[upbeat music]
[Eddie] Christmas, huh, the chicken wing of holidays.
Yeah, I said it.
A lot of work and definitely overrated.
Don't get me wrong, I like a day off just like the next guy.
But give me Juneteenth or the Fourth of July.
Heck, I even get down with Arbor Day.
At least then you plant a tree instead of chopping one down.
And before you go calling me a hater, you gotta know I have another big reason
for not messing with Christmas.
On this day, everybody's expecting many gifts
but not me, all I needed was one thing.
So, I went all the way to the top, to the one guy
that I knew could help with this one request.
[Santa] Oh!
What do you want for Christmas, pally?
I already sent you a letter to the North Pole.
I'm a little behind on my letter-reading, so, what'll it be?
I want my parents to not fight. Can you do that, Santa?
I don't know. Maybe.
My dad wants a collapsible fishing rod.
He loves to fish.
So, if you could bring him the rod and he thinks it's from my mom,
well, that'll solve everything.
Is that your mom?
[Eddie] Yeah, that's her.
She look a little sad because my dad's been gone for a few days.
So, Santa, can you do that?
Where do you live?
I thought it was a little weird that Santa asked where I lived,
but look, the guy has so much to worry about on Christmas.
Things were going exactly the way I wanted them to.
My dad had come off his business trip
and made it home just in time for Christmas.
What's all this?
Eddie asked if we could have a proper Christmas.
It's beautiful.
My family was finally together for Christmas.
First time in forever.
[exhales deeply] Yeah, it's been a long time.
So we can make it all nice for Santa.
Right, Dad?
Yeah, because we wanna make it nice for Santa, son.
Little old me had high hopes for that night.
I mean, if you can't count on Santa Claus, who can you really count on?
[upbeat music]
So, I bet on old Saint Nick.
And for a moment, I thought I rolled sevens.
Hey, you stealing our stuff?
But instead, I crapped out.
[intense music]
[grunting]
[Eddie] No, Dad, no!
But nope.
He's come to help!
It wasn't Santa at all.
It was just that mall dude in a rented suit
there to take instead of give.
While my pops was deckin' Santa's halls.
Because of him, that was the last Christmas
we ever spent together as a family.
Stop!
That's when I learned not to count on Christmas.
Oh, yeah, and by the way, if he ever asks,
don't give Santa your home address.
["Jingle Bell Rock" playing]
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock ♪
♪ Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring ♪
♪ Snowin' and blowin' up bushels of fun ♪
♪ Now the jingle hop has begun ♪
[song continues over radio]
- ["Dashing through the Snow" playing] - Yuck.
- [rap version of "'Tis the Season"] - You kidding me, every station.
["Santa Got Stuck up the Chimney" playing]
[phone rings]
Well, hello, Baby Girl, how are you today?
So good, because it's Christmas Eve.
Oh, yeah, that.
It's so dumb how you don't like Christmas.
Now, come on, you know I like it just fine.
I just don't like the music, decorations, ornaments,
the lights or the trees or the cookies,
and the excessive shopping.
You're a dodo. Are you gonna come by later?
Of course I'm gonna come by later.
- [beeps] - I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Hey, Baby Girl, I got another call.
Okay, then I'll see you later.
- Bye, Grumpus. - Bye.
[phone rings]
- Moke, what up? - Hey, Merry Christmas from Atlanta PD.
We need our favorite crisis counselor.
- Can you get down to the arts center now? - Yep, I got you. I'm on the way.
[sirens]
[dramatic music]
[indistinct chatter]
Moke, talk to me, what's going on?
Check it out.
Do I even wanna know what he's doing up there?
- Did you get a name? - Nope.
You can take the ladder up.
Nah, I got this.
I'll tell you when to send it up for us, alright?
Hey, good day to you.
That's a nice beard, man.
I've been trying to grow mine out
and it just doesn't work for some reason.
- How you doing? You got a name? - I'm Luther.
Luther, I'm Eddie. And it's a pleasure to meet you.
- You police, Eddie? - No, no, no, I'm a clinician.
Social worker. I work with the police.
I help people that might be in some trouble
but not the police-needing kind of trouble.
So tell me, Luther, what are you doing up here?
I just wanna be up here on my own.
Okay, I get that, but let me tell you something, Luther.
My job, okay, the most important part of my job
is to never let someone who feels sad and alone
keep on feeling sad and alone.
Yeah, well, I do feel sad and alone today.
Yeah, Christmas can be tough.
That's right.
Did you have good Christmases growing up?
They were... they were the best.
- Did your mom do the cooking? - Yeah.
My mom made the biggest darn roast that you ever seen.
Yeah, mine did too, man.
- Did the meat fall off the bone? - Straight off.
- What about the baby carrots. - And molasses.
- Of course, yeah. - [Luther laughing]
- And red potatoes. - Red potatoes, I love red potatoes.
- Skin on or skin off? - Skin on.
What do you take me as, a savage, Luther? Come on, man.
You got a sense of humor, my man.
What do you say we head on down, huh?
I'll get you a bed at Moonlight Mission, okay?
Maybe Christmas doesn't have to be so tricky.
You believe that?
I believe in baby carrots and red potatoes.
With the skin on.
[emotive music]
[applause] [indistinct]
Hey, everybody, this is Luther.
He's thinking about heading to the Moonlight Mission.
Let's send Doc Frawley by to take a look at him.
Call our girl Naomi over there at Finnegan's Chop House too,
tell them we'll need a few slices of their finest roast.
With all the fixings, right?
My man.
I'll be by tomorrow to check on him, okay?
- Okay. - Alright.
You have a very Merry Christmas, Eddie.
I don't know what that is but it sounds awful.
[♪ DMX "Up in Here" playing ♪]
♪ Y'all gon' make me lose my mind ♪
- ♪ Up in here, up in here ♪ - Whoo!
Yeah, that's more like it.
♪ Up in here, up in here ♪
[reporter] With Christmas Eve just hours away,
Congressman Conrad Harf attends the lighting of the tree
here in Lakewood, just outside the Atlanta Moonlight Mission
which provides transitional housing and direct care
to homeless men and women.
Hey, Luther, my man.
Go on, get you that roast.
A Christmas tree is like a pair of warm open hands
welcoming all to the season of love and sharing.
For me, the true wonder of Christmas Eve
is how it makes each of us, no matter our age
feel like little children.
We are all one big family of man
and the very best gift we can give
is to help those who have the least.
I mean that.
[emotive music]
[indistinct]
[Conrad] Always remember to be there for your family, Atlanta.
[reporter] That was Congressman Conrad Harf
giving that inspiring and thoughtful speech.
[door knocks]
Hey...
Hi. You look so shocked.
What do you see, ghosts from your past, present and future?
[laughing sarcastically]
Very funny. Hey, Baby Girl.
Hi, Dad! We brought you Christmas dinner.
Wow. You are dressed up in red and green.
In case you bring me somewhere special.
I have to look the part.
Take this for me. Thank you.
Hold it up. Okay.
What's this about?
This is about me having a high degree of confidence
that you were not gonna come by tonight.
I didn't want you to disappoint our child on Christmas Eve.
Okay, so let me ask you, what's the point of us doing therapy
if you're not gonna let me try and prove to you that it's working.
Oh, Eddie, I was just giving you a head start.
The ham is the kind you like.
- With the pineapple loops in it? - And that brown sugar glaze.
You know what? Forget about the therapy.
Why don't we just go dancing tonight?
Hmm.
As tempting as that sounds, hmm, no.
I have some last-minute shopping to do, but please have my child home by 8:30.
Wait, wait. You're leaving?
Uh, yeah. I mean, it's the first time in what, almost a decade
that Daddy is not working on Christmas.
Sounds like some daddy-daughter fun time to me.
- Daddy-daughter fun time? - Your child loves Christmas.
- Yeah? - I know, I know...
- Just have fun. - I got it.
- You know me. - Okay.
- I'm Mr. Fun. - Alright.
Bye, baby, I'll see you later!
- Bye, Mom! - [Allison] Have a good time.
Put that food in the fridge, your daddy'll leave it out on the counter.
Oh, hold up.
I still don't understand why we have to wear these dopey things.
[Conrad] It's called blending in.
It's Christmas Eve, which is the genius of the plan
and also its inherent flaw.
You can't just show up at people's homes.
This way, you look like a bunch of happy carolers,
but you're actually collecting money for me.
Yeah, call it Christmas camouflage.
- That's a good one. - [Conrad] No, no, it's...
I was just about to say that, so...
Thank you.
Here's a list of the people you'll be collecting money from.
Protect that iPad with your lives.
Think of it as a bribery menu.
[giggling]
[Eddie] Hey, so...
Does your mother have any new friends I should know about?
- Really? - You know, the type of friends
that might take her for meals
and put their arms around her while watching Black-ish.
Oh, you mean like Roger?
- Um, do you have a green... - No, no, no.
Did you say Roger? Who's Roger?
He wears a fur coat and has tiny eyes,
but still looks like Bruno Mars.
Yeah, well, Roger sounds like a real jerk.
Roger's my hamster, Dad.
[Charlotte giggling]
You messing with me of all people?
You doing the dishes tonight, you know that, right?
[carol singers singing]
♪ Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree ♪
Dad, come look at this!
Isn't that nice?
They sound like a bunch of wounded ducks.
Baby, I gotta go next door and feed the Mannings' cat.
They're in Cancun.
- You wanna come? - I would but Gabriel and Taniya
are doing a routine.
Okay, well, I'll be right back.
- Don't go anywhere. - Be nice to Pudding Foots.
Or she won't come out of her hiding place.
[Eddie] Her name's Pudding Foots, I'm a grown man,
- I'mma call her cat. - [Charlotte] That's a cute name!
[man] I can't believe you let him steal the iPad.
Are we sure it's even in there?
Of course it's in there. We tracked it here.
- Alright, let's go in there and get it. - Wait, who is that?
I dunno, kinda looks like John Legend.
[exhales deeply]
[alarm beeping]
Pudding Foots.
Oh, Pudding Foots.
Here, kitty, kitty. [kissing noises]
Cat! Where you at?
If my name was Pudding Foots, I'd hide too.
Where you at?
[alarm stops beeping]
[meowing]
[man] I knew I should've started CrossFit after Thanksgiving.
[tense music]
[grunting]
Mm-hmm, I got those hippo hips.
Got the baboon butt. Now, look at me, I'm stuck.
[gasps]
Excuse me, do you mind telling me what you're doing in my neighbor's chimney?
- Can you see me? - Yeah, I can see you.
What am I doing here, uh...
I'm just... I'm just hanging out, you know?
Doing an impersonation of a bat.
If the bat was Prince. You know, the singer.
- So we call him Prince bat. - I have no idea what you're talking about.
But you gotta go, you in a lot of trouble but I'mma get you out.
- That'll be blissful. - You ready? One, two...
- [grunts] - Three!
[chuckles] Wow, I was really stuck in there.
It's not because I gained weight, you know?
Anywho, can we forget all about this?
Can we not tell nobody about me trapped in the chimney?
Plus, I got a long night ahead.
I got things to do, as you can see. Excuse me.
Excuse... Hey, do you hear me talking to you?
Hey, that's not your fridge.
I mean, seriously?
Simple dictums, tainted, traditional, time-honored customs.
What?
Capers?
So they got capers but no bagels, no lox.
- No green onion shmears? - What are you doing?
I'm looking for cookies and milk.
And they don't have either.
They don't have neither... either.
I've never been clear on the difference between neither and either, are you?
Neither matters right now because it seems
as if you've broken into my neighbor's home.
Now, you seem a little confused.
Are you confused?
[inquisitive music]
- Now, do you mind if I frisk you? - Whoa, whoa, Hands McGee, okay?
- Are you the police? - No.
But I work with the police.
If I can be honest with you, you don't really look like you work for the cops.
You look like you sell copy machines to people who don't want copy machines.
- [chuckles] - Bang.
Official. You see that?
- Atlanta Police. - I can barely see that.
Thought I left my glasses in the sleigh.
Oh, they're right here.
- In the sleigh? - Yep, I have a sleigh.
That's not obvious?
- Sleigh? - Okay, maybe this will jog your memory.
"He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
"and away they all flew like the down of a thistle."
S... Stop! Stop talking.
What are you doing in my neighbor's house?
I am here to drop off gifts to the Mannings.
You know the Mannings?
Of course, they're on vacation right now in Cancun, right?
They're about to come back with these embarrassing cornrows
which is really weird to see, but it is what it is.
Look, I've had a long night, I had a mishap at another client's house
and I'm over here having another mishap with another client.
Just a little fun fact about me, I call them clients.
Excuse me. I got stuff to do, gifts to give.
Hey.
My man, you gotta stop.
Alright, I'm gonna frisk you just to be safe.
You know something? Have at it, frisk away.
[chuckles] Now, watch out, though, I'm ticklish.
- Turn around. - Alright.
You know, going around the globe, giving out gifts,
no creatures stirring, not even a...
What is this?
Those are carrots.
Those are apparently my snacks.
The missus said I need to eat healthier so she decided to give me carrots.
She thinks this will wean me off the cookies.
Hasn't worked so far. [chuckles]
This is sad.
- What's your name? - My name is Nicholas Sinter-Claus.
Nicholas Sinter-Claus?
I'll slow it down for you.
Sinter...
Claus.
[speaking very slowly] Sinter-Claus.
Oh, like Santa Claus.
- Yes! - That's cute.
Wow, that was like pulling teeth. [chuckles]
- And what's that for? - This is my naughty and nice list.
An iPad?
That's right, we've modernized it by still keeping it traditional.
If I can get this thing unlocked.
Wait...
[Nick] I can't unlock it.
Somebody else must've did the face recognition.
Try your face. Okay, your face don't work.
Well...
Looks like I'm gonna have to freestyle.
[Nick] Oh, man, am I behind.
If I don't make it back for sunrise yoga, Mrs. Claus is gonna be mad.
- She loves my flexibility. - [Eddie] So, we'll get you looked at
and then we'll talk about things from there.
- Oh no, I gotta call the boss. - No, I will call the boss.
[Eddie sighs]
Dad, is everything okay?
Everything is fine, I just need to take this nice man here to the doctor.
I'm gonna call your mom and tell her to come get you.
What? Now?
I know, it's just that this man really needs help, okay?
Umm, hey, how you doing?
Your name is Charlotte, right?
- How do you know her name? - Yes, who are you?
Come on, when you see all this, you can't tell who I am?
- What about the white beard? - Yeah.
Don't you think if you gonna claim to be Santa,
that you should include his signature attribute?
Okay, look, the whole white beard thing is a myth.
Started by the Scandinavians.
As soon as they said I had a big white beard and a little curly mustache,
everybody believed it.
Okay, fine, I dyed it, alright? I'm going through a midlife crisis.
I am 1,462 years old.
If I wanna look younger for at least three years, I deserve that.
So, you're Santa, huh? When were you born?
A lot of questions, little Oprah.
- I was born in 200 AD. - And where?
- Alright, uh, Anatolia. - What's Anatolia?
And you're Gayle, too.
Anatolia is what Turkey is now.
You speak pretty good English for a guy who was born in Turkey.
I'm very diverse.
I speak 172 languages and dialects.
Baby, I'mma take you home first, alright?
And then I'll deal with Mr. Sinter...
Nick.
You know something, I do need help.
Luring my reindeer.
The reindeer.
How do you do that?
Now, Prancer has separation anxiety,
and Dancer hasn't been eating well.
Yeah, he's got somebody with him.
So, what do you want us to do?
Dr. Galoshes said it could be a stomach flu, I don't know.
- Dr. Galoshes? - Yeah, Dr. Galoshes.
Dr. Galoshes is the best penguin doctor in the North Pole.
And see, it's not because he treats penguins,
it's because he's a penguin that's actually a doctor.
[both chuckling]
Now, check this out.
This little clicker is powered by Christmas spirit.
Look at the sky right now.
What you're about to witness is a sleigh being pulled
by eight bold and beautiful reindeer.
[magical music builds]
[car alarm beeps]
Must have mis-paired the Bluetooth.
Baby, as you can see, this guy definitely needs some help, okay?
He's trying to call reindeer out of the sky.
I'm gonna drop you off first and take this man where he needs to go.
You know something, I definitely need to be checked out.
I'll check on these reindeer later, you know?
Yeah, we should do that.
Like I've been saying.
[inquisitive music]
What?
[Nick] Santa fun fact number two,
- I sweat glitter. - [Charlotte chuckling]
[Charlotte] That is so cool!
Here we are...
Comet, Vixen...
Bro, you doing way too much.
- You know my friend, David Banks? - Yeah?
His dad said that Santa is Black.
They just changed all the history books.
First of all, I love little Davie Banks.
He is having an amazing year,
that's one kid who won't be getting cauliflower this year.
- Cauliflower? - Yeah, we phased out coal a few years ago
'cause of the whole ecological, you know, stuff going on.
Burning coal, there's a lot of it.
So, if you're naughty, you get a lump of cauliflower in your stocking.
Dad, he is really Santa!
My real name is Nicholas Sinter-Claus.
Hyphenated, Santo.
You know, I took Mrs. Claus' last name.
We're progressive up there, you gotta move with the times.
But I also got a few nicknames, we got K Cringe, we got S Clau,
we got Ro-ho-ho.
Oh, my favorite, Gifty McPresents.
The Third.
Okay, so, if you're really Santa Claus,
then tell me what Charlotte wants for Christmas.
First of all, she wants a Rise Up, Sing Out t-shirt, right?
Number two, she wants the Anna and Elsa dolls,
'cause she loves Frozen.
She wants a pretend make-up kit
and lastly, she wants a pink scooter.
He's right! Oh my gosh, see Dad?
I've never met an eight-year-old girl that did not want a pretend make-up set.
Eddie, would you happen to have some cookies
or other affiliated baked goods?
I'd take a Girl Scout cookie, a vanilla wafer,
I'd do oatmeal raisin, I just need a cookie.
Oh and look, I got a doctor's note right here
that says I can have the snacks.
[Eddie] Let me guess, from a penguin?
[Nick] No, from my other doctor, Dr. Buttons.
Look, I'm sorry for the penmanship. Dr. Buttons is a cat that paints.
- W... Where did you get this? - My secret Santa pocket.
I checked all your pockets.
Yeah, that's why it's called a secret pocket.
I keep all types of things in there.
I got reindeer food in there, uh, I keep yak repellent.
Oh, I got tinsel, like, removers,
a little brush, you knock the tinsel right off, comes off easily.
Also, do you understand that I'm missing work right now?
This is the first time in thousands of years.
I've never missed a night.
Sorry, Nick, my dad sort of hates Christmas.
That's okay, Charlotte, he has his reasons.
Hey, what are you talking about, I have my reasons?
What does that mean?
Eddie, I know everything.
[Nick] I know everything, that's not just like a slogan.
- No, it is a fact. - I'm sorry, wait, wait.
What's that smell? Do y'all smell that?
- [Eddie] What is that? - What smell?
I don't know, it kinda smells like... Like cinnamon.
That would be me. [chuckles]
- What would be you? - Santa fun fact, it's number three.
Santa farts smell like cinnamon.
- [Charlotte giggles] - I'm sorry, what?
Oh, there he is.
[tires screeching]
[horn pumping]
[intense music]
[tires screeching]
- [horn honking] - Pull over.
- What? - [woman] Pull over!
No.
[Eddie] What are they, nuts?
Oh no!
- Man, who are they? - It looks like a snowman and an elf...
And a nutcracker, AKA every Tuesday at my house.
Are you kidding me? Go!
[dramatic music]
[tires screeching]
[intense music]
- Oh... Oh no! - [indistinct]
I think we lost them.
- Are you okay, baby? - Yeah.
What was that?
Man, you know people get crazy on Christmas Eve.
- This stuff happens all the time. - Come on, come on.
No, no, don't do this to me now.
[suspenseful music]
Unbelievable.
[phone ringing]
- [Conrad] Hello? - We lost him.
How is that possible?
I don't know, it's been a long night, sir.
- You know what else is long, Mary? - What's that?
- Prison sentences. - Oh, Congressman...
But let's not torture ourselves thinking about what can happen to us
if that thing falls into the wrong hands.
My house is a wreck!
- I know, I'm sorry, sir. - Bologna soup.
Fish patties. Turkey-fried turkey.
These are some of the things they serve in prison.
Which is where we will end up if you don't find that iPad.
Hold on a moment.
[Conrad] A few of my constituents are here.
♪ Glory to God ♪
- [Mary] We'll get them, sir. - Shut up.
♪ O come let us adore Him ♪
♪ Christ the Lord ♪
Find him, find him, find him, you have the capability.
Bring me that Santa Claus!
[Eddie grunts]
Hold on, okay? I'm gonna call a cab.
Just gimme a second, we'll be okay.
[dial tone]
[sound of interference]
["Dashing through the Snow" playing]
♪ O'er the fields we go ♪
[music abruptly stops]
You have a phone? Mine's picking up some weird signal.
I don't need a cell phone. If I need to message somebody,
all I gotta do is call my flock of puffins.
Check this out.
Puffins!
Ka-ka-ka-ka!
P... Puffins?
You know something, I forgot.
I gave them the holidays off.
This is what I'm gonna go, I'mma take you down to Atlanta PD.
See, I got a friend named Bobby Carlotta.
I went to high school with him, now he's a detective
and he can get you to the hospital, get you the help that you need.
[Eddie] Simple as that.
Then you and I, Baby Girl, we can go to your mom's and wait.
I can't believe she's still out shopping.
Oh, she loves last-minute shopping.
Which is fine by me. Shop, mamma, shop!
Ooh, I love that. Shop, mamma, shop.
- Shop, mamma, shop! - Shop, mamma, shop!
- Please don't stop. - Please don't stop.
- Go to all the stores. - By them gifts galore.
Shop, mamma, shop!
- Wow, that was fun. - Y'all make such a great little team.
- She's amazing. - [Eddie] I love it. Um...
When I bring you in, I'mma do you a little solid, okay?
When I talk to Bobby, I won't mention the breaking and entering.
Okay? I'm just gonna let him know that you might be an individual
that is going through a bit of a crisis.
- And needs an evaluation. - Mm-hmm.
You get where I'm coming from?
- Oh, I got you. - Okay.
But you know who you need to help?
Bobby Carlotta, your classmate.
Loves Union Pacific train sets, that's right.
I've given him one every Christmas.
But he doesn't want nobody in the precinct to know
that he loves to sit at home and play with train sets.
Got me?
Yeah, got you.
Just like you're a grown man acting like Santa.
Kinda like that?
[tense music]
- Anything? - No, we lost him.
Oh, wait, there he is. We got him.
- [man] Where? - Up here, make a left at the light.
[phone ringing]
Hey, how's it going?
- I'm just checking on y'all. - Listen, she is having a ball.
Oh, really? Well, that is amazing.
Well, I was hoping that maybe once you drop her off,
we could have a drink, 'cause I found this really cute recipe
for peppermintinis where you coat the glass
with crushed candy cane and...
Wow, that definitely sounds great.
- We might be just a little late. - Wait, why?
Um...
Daddy-daughter fun times, just like you said.
Daddy-daughter fun time. [chuckles]
Okay, well, I'm finishing up this last-minute shopping
and I'll see you soon for peppermintinis.
Yeah, can't wait.
Okay, bye.
We really need to get home.
Mom and Dad are separated, they see a therapist.
- Charlotte. - It's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Therapy's a good thing. Me and Mrs. Claus see a therapist too.
Let me guess, another penguin?
No, our therapist is not a penguin, Eddie.
[chuckles] He's a walrus.
That's right, Arturio Tuskanini.
- Tuskanini? - Mm-hmm. Dr. Arturio Tuskanini.
Look, Eddie, me and the missus have rough patches too.
We've been married for centuries.
- Every couple has problems. - Centuries...
So, what's triggering you?
Hey, that's really none of your business.
I would like to know too.
Why don't you and Mom get along?
Hey, hey, we get along just fine.
It's just sometimes, people, they... they stop fitting together.
Alright?
[tense music]
[Eddie] I will admit, I...
I don't like when she gets sad either.
[dramatic music]
I think that there's some things about tonight we can just leave out.
I mean, like us being downtown.
- [Nick] Gotta dash. - Nick!
[Eddie] Nick!
We got you!
- Come on, Charlotte. - What about his bag?
Don't worry about it, this man needs our help.
[indistinct chattering and party music]
Let's go.
[Eddie] Okay, listen baby, whatever you do, do not let go of my hand.
[Charlotte] Don't worry, I'll protect you.
There's too many of them.
Oh, sorry.
Hey-hey!
Where is your outfit?
My bad, my bad.
[band performing jazz rendition of "Deck the Halls"]
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
This place is great!
[Eddie] This is definitely a recurring nightmare I've had.
Let's hurry up and find him so we can get out of here.
♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪
Let's go.
♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪
♪ Strike the harp and join the chorus ♪
♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪
♪ Follow me in merry measure ♪
♪ Fa la la, la la la, la la la ♪
♪ While I tell of Yuletide treasure ♪
♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪
[audience cheering]
Alright, everybody, let's keep things going.
We got a special guest for you, he's got an oldie but goodie
he wants to sing, I know you gonna like it.
- Do you see him? - I see lots of him.
[Charlotte] I can't tell them apart.
[band playing "Run Rudolph Run"]
♪ Out of all the reindeer, you are the mastermind ♪
♪ The mastermind ♪
♪ Run, run, Rudolph, Randolph ain't too far behind ♪
♪ So run, run, Rudolph ♪
♪ Santa's gotta make it to town ♪
♪ Make it to town Make it to town ♪
[man] Excuse me.
♪ Santa make him hurry, tell him he can take the freeway down ♪
[grunting]
[man] No!
♪ I'm reeling like a merry-go-round ♪
♪ Said Santa to a boy, Child, what have you been longing for? ♪
Come on, Dad. [grunts]
♪ All I want for Christmas is a rock-n-roll electric guitar ♪
♪ And away went Rudolph Whizzing like a shooting star ♪
[Eddie] Coming through.
Out the way, out the way.
Hey Nick. Hey, hey, Nick!
Hey, Nick, it's Charlotte!
Oh, hey, Charlotte, come on up here. She's good.
- Hey, hey, man, what are you doing? - What you got? Show me what you got.
That's my daughter, bro. What you doing?
[music continues]
Okay, okay, that's impressive.
But let me show you what we do at the North Pole.
Check this out, this here's called the North Pole shimmy.
- [Nick] That's right. - Ooh! Yeah!
- [Eddie] Baby, hey! - Dad, come on up.
Yeah, yeah, he's good.
- Baby, what're you doing? - Just do what I do.
Have a little fun! The North Pole shimmy.
Oh, come on.
Good job!
Hey, Eddie and Charlotte, why don't we get up out of here?
[Nick] Yeah!
[Nick chuckles]
[Charlotte] Wow!
Dad, watch this!
- No... - I'm literally flying!
[indistinct]... go, man.
Yeah!
[crowd cheering]
[crowd gasps]
How come none of y'all caught me?
[music continues]
♪ Make it to town, make it to town ♪
[crowd cheering]
Go, go!
When is this night gonna be over?
He couldn't have gone too far.
Can't we just let him go?
Baby, I want to let him go and get you home to your mom,
- but I just can't, okay? - Why?
Because the most important part of Daddy's job
is to never let someone who feels sad and alone
keep on feeling sad and alone, okay?
I don't think he feels sad and alone.
I actually think he's one of the jolliest people I've ever met.
And that's because you're too young to understand.
No I am not!
You just don't like him because he's Santa Claus
and you hate Christmas.
He's not Santa Claus because there's no such thing...
Let's get you home.
Something we should've done a long time ago.
Look, Dad!
[Charlotte] Remember, he sweats glitter.
["Nutcracker" theme playing]
Nick, that was so cool, you were incredible!
Oh, thank you!
I would say I missed you, but it's only been, like 10 minutes.
Hello, Edward.
You mind telling me what that was back there?
You mean that amazing performance? I had so much fun.
I never pass up an open mic.
I can do any genre, too. I can do R&B, I can do jazz...
Yeah, I'm not talking about the little performance,
I'm talking about you jumping out of a moving cab.
- Who were you running from? - Oh, that. [chuckles]
That was nothing. Charlotte, check this out.
They really got it right.
- So, is this how the North Pole really is? - It is.
[gasps] They even depicted the candy cane department.
That looks amazing but...
Hmm, the only thing missing is Ms. Paloma Sharp.
Who's she?
She invented the candy cane.
[Nick] So, her dad was really old, really elderly, right?
And he broke his ankles, so she created crutches out of caramel
but they really wasn't sturdy, so...
So instead of crutches, she gave him a cane.
- That's right, they called it the... - [both] Candy cane!
[both chuckling]
Can I have a word with you for a second, please?
You can have a whole paragraph if you want to.
Okay, listen, I'm trying to be as compassionate as I can be.
I wanna help you, but you gotta stop messing with my kid's head.
She's a sweet girl who's just overly trusting
with this wild imagination.
Let me get this straight,
you don't think that's great characteristics for a person to have?
Not if it's gonna set her up for disappointment.
Life is hard and as her father, I have to protect her.
You understand?
Yeah.
I understand that you need a puppy for Christmas.
- That's right. - A puppy?
- Mm-hmm. - I don't want a puppy for Christmas.
Oh, yes, you do 'cause puppies are loving
and soft and when you're mad, they just knock down the walls with love.
Love is like a bulldozer...
[gasps]
Bulldozer is a perfect name for a puppy!
Yeah!
[Eddie] I don't want a puppy named Bulldozer for Christmas!
- I want you to have a puppy, Dad. - Char, please...
- Nick! - Come on.
- Nick!
Wait. Nick. Nick!
Listen, I know in your world you don't like to give straight answers,
but who is that following us?
I don't know, I really don't.
But what I do know is there's two billion children all over the world
expecting me to deliver Christmas gifts tonight.
Whatever, fine, but we need to call an Uber, okay?
Maybe my phone is working again...
[Nick] I bedazzled it. You're welcome.
- [giggling] - When did you do this?
I did it in the cab while we were being chased by those bad guys.
Don't bling anything else of mine, or else.
- Do you hear me? - [horn honks to tune of "Jingle Bells"]
Saint Nick! Hello!
- Nick, where you going? - Our ride is here.
Dad, our ride is here!
What ride, what're y'all...
Hey, hey!
Hey! Hey!
What are you doing?
These people 'bout to take us to safety and there's room for us all.
- Charlotte, come on. - Hey, hey.
We are not getting in a van with strangers.
Oh, Eddie, they're not strangers.
I know exactly who they are.
- See, he knows who they are. - [man] There!
Come on, Eddie, time's a-wastin', we gotta get out of here.
- Come on, get in. Yes! - [distant shouting]
[dramatic music]
[horn honks to tune of "Jingle Bells"]
- It is really you? - Yep, it's me in the flesh.
This is a dream come true. It's incredible.
- [girl] And he's in our van. - Where'd you get those boots?
This is unbelievable!
- Santa. - I know!
I'm sorry, can you take us to the Atlanta Police Department?
- 1045 Young Boulevard. - Absolutely not. [chuckles]
We're the Truckles. I'm Sonia, that's Kayleigh,
and Diego and up here at the wheel is Martin.
Holly jolly, Señor Claus.
Holly jolly it is.
Let me tell you, I am so happy to meet y'all.
What? I thought you knew them.
I do know who they are. They are my fans.
- The biggest fans. - [Martin] Number one.
- Ever. - Super fans!
I love it!
- Truckle gang, give me an H. - [all] H!
- Give me an O. - [all] O!
That's the flow, now run that back for me three times, what do ya get?
[all] Ho-ho-ho!
[all] We do Christmas!
- [brakes screech] - Oh my God, okay.
- Honey, please. Keep us safe. - Holly jolly.
- We are not gonna crash tonight. - Not with our precious cargo.
And the kids.
Yeah, okay, you do Christmas, but what's your job?
What do you do for a living?
- We're the Santa Seekers. - The Santa Seekers?
- We seek Santa. - Whoa, whoa...
So I'm looking at all this equipment here.
- This is how you found me? - Yeah.
- I made all this. - Our Kayleigh is a whizz
with the computer stuff.
Every Christmas, Kayleigh hacks
into NORAD systems so we can track on our own.
We discovered Santa was just a few blocks away from where we were.
At Tommy Tom-Tom's All Night Greek eating our traditional Christmas Spanakopeeta.
Spanakopita, honey.
Tommy Tom-Tom's!
On Elm Street, that's right, Tommy wanted
a kebab slicer for Christmas and a vertical broiler
because his old one's pretty much broken.
- Those get really hot, too. - That's the Santa Signature.
- See how it moves as we move? - [Charlotte] That's so neat!
Sorry, does anybody have a phone? I need to call the police.
- And mine is, uh... - What happened to it?
He happened to it.
Guilty as charged.
- It's beautiful. - [all] Amazing.
Please do not encourage him.
Oh, this is the perfect time
for my "Songs for when I finally find Santa" Spotify playlist.
- No, you don't have to do that for us. - Yes, hit it, Kayleigh!
No, no, don't do that. There's no need.
Tell us something about the reindeer that no one knows.
Well, check this out, here's a little known Santa fun fact number four.
- Come on. - We know reindeer love to fly.
But they have other skillsets like they're good at giftwrapping,
they can make pasta from scratch.
Matter of fact, they make a mean pot roast.
The meat comes off the bone!
But, what they're most skilled at is protecting Santa Claus.
That's right, they all got a bunch of special skills.
So if you mess with Santa, you messing with the reindeer.
- [Diego] Really? Wow. - [Nick] Oh, and another one.
They do not like Christmas music.
No way.
Matter of fact, their favorite song is the theme from Rocky.
- [Martin] Who doesn't? - That's ludicrous.
It's true. Well, this is my stop.
[intense music]
[panicked shouting]
[Eddie] Not again. What's up with this guy?
[Martin] The turtle dove has flown the coop, honey.
[Sonia] The partridge left the pear tree.
Hey, listen, did we offend Saint Nicholas with all of our questions?
Char, come on.
Listen, I already told you, he's not Saint Nicholas, okay?
- Of course he is. - Of course he is.
Buddy, 1045 Young Boulevard, I'll take you there.
- We're good, just keep doing Christmas... - [Sonia] Don't slam the door.
You just made the naughty list.
I can't believe he just jumped out of the van.
Dad, aren't we going to find Nick?
Nah, I think maybe you were right. Maybe we just let him go.
I mean, if he wants to keep playing Santa all night, let him play.
It's not like he's hurting anybody.
What about you saying the most important part of your job
was to never let someone who was feeling sad and alone
keep on feeling sad and alone?
What about you saying he was the jolliest person ever?
- Remember that, huh? - I just think he might need our help, Dad.
Whether he's Santa or not.
[magical music]
[giggles] Come on, Dad!
[buzzer sounds]
Nick.
- What is going on? - Look, I recognized the neighborhood.
And I was like, wait a minute, I got some associates here.
So I figured we go in, you call your police
and I get some supplies.
Who is it?
- It's me, Boss Tinsel. - Oh my God, Nick?
Come on, Dad, can't we just go inside
and use the phone to get him the help he needs?
These associates of yours, they better not make any trouble.
Oh, come on, my associates don't make trouble.
- My associates make toys. - Dad, come on!
He said they make toys.
Okay, look Eddie, I get it, right? You don't believe I am who I am.
Fine.
But let me show you something that'll completely change your mind.
Come with me.
[R&B version of "The 12 Days of Christmas"]
♪ On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me ♪
[cheering]
[man] Yo, Nick!
St. Nick's here!
♪ Ten lords a-leaping ♪
♪ Nine ladies dancing ♪
♪ Eight maids a-milking ♪
♪ Seven swans a-swimming ♪
♪ Six geese a-laying ♪
What up? It is Christmas.
I mean, the most magical time of the year, Eddie.
I get it, you're a doubter, you don't believe in anything.
But I ran into my fair share of doubters in my time.
But once I show them this wonderful workshop full of toys,
everybody's converted, check this out.
I mean, when you see all these toys, your mind is gonna be blown.
[suspenseful music builds]
Um, Nick, where are all the toys?
Yeah, Nick, where are all the toys?
Yes, the toys.
You know what, the elves, the elves took it on the road
because it's already Christmas morning in Australia.
Or maybe Christmas afternoon.
Maybe Christmas evening. I'm not really good at time zones.
You would think I would be, but I'm terrible.
You know, Gerald and Lucille will explain everything.
Let's go inside and meet the crew.
There he is, my man.
Sorry skip, we finished the work early so we started the party.
[Nick] Of course you did, that explains why there's no toys.
Hello, Nick. [gasps] And who is this cuteness?
This little pepper right here is Charlotte and that's her father, Eddie.
[Nick] Eddie's a non-believer.
Really? Oh, Claustrophobic.
- I'm sorry, what? - Claustrophobic, fear of Santa Claus.
I'm just gonna ask one more time.
- What is this place? - Look here, Eddie.
There are two billion families in over 160 countries
that celebrate Christmas.
Yeah, so?
At an average of 1.8 children per household,
Nick here delivers gifts to a bazillion kids.
- A bazillion? - It's crazy, right?
Yeah, that is. It's not the only thing crazy.
Look, I can't produce all those toys at the No' Po' like that.
- So, I outsource. - That's right.
With satellite operations in every city.
- Did you say No' Po'? - [Nick] Yes, the North Pole.
[chuckles] Oh, Lucille, please tell me you have some cookies.
I got a test for the quest and found out that my blood sugar was pretty low.
So, I need some cookies.
Do I have some cookies? Of course!
- Yes! - To the kitchen, for some cookies.
Dad, cookies!
Gerald and Lucille, y'all outdid yourselves this Christmas.
Look at these Christmas cookies!
All this deliciousness. [chuckles]
Now, I'm only supposed to have two cookies, but I might cheat today.
But if I cheat, I gotta call my weight coach, Dr. Parnis
and Dr. Parnis is a lemming so if he hears the bad news...
- He might jump off a cliff? - Exactly.
[both chuckling]
Oh, Charlotte, look how beautiful these cookies are.
Hey, would you like to cookie up?
- Dad, can I cookie up? - No.
- What even is that? - I'm glad you asked.
See, what you do is you grab one of these freshly baked cookies
and you put it towards your mouth like this and then you...
Cookie up, y'all.
[all] Mmm.
It's just eating cookies, I don't see...
Listen, do you have a phone that I could use, please?
Mm-hmm. It's right over there.
Bet you've never seen one of these before.
[phone rings]
- Hello? - Alli, it's me.
Hi. Where are you guys?
Where are we?
You were supposed to have her home by 8:30.
Listen, we'll be home soon, we just got a little sidetracked.
Sidetracked?
- No, no, we're gonna be home soon. - Where are you guys?
Um... we're downtown.
At this time of night? What are you doing downtown?
Where is Charlotte?
She's right here by me. It's a work thing.
Oh my gosh, you actually found a way to go to work tonight.
- No, no, it's not like that. - It was one night, Eddie.
I can understand you maybe disappointing me.
- But to disappoint Charlotte? - Disappoint?
She is having the time of her life. Hold on, lemme let you talk to her.
Tell your mom that you're good and safe and not disappointed.
- Tell her. - Hi, Mom.
- Baby, hi. Are you okay? - We're with Santa Claus...
And he has a penguin doctor and he sweats glitter.
And there's these people, Lucille and Gerald
and they aren't actually elves...
Oh, okay.
Okay, put your father back on the phone, please.
- Everything's fine, I told you. - Bring my child home.
- I will. - And you know what?
- You can forget about the peppermintinis. - Alright, I got you.
[scoffs]
Problem here is that you've got some brandy fruitcake crumbs
in the transmitter circuit.
But technically, I don't see anything wrong.
So, how'd you end up hanging out with this dude?
Look, the night... The night started pretty normal.
You know, I was getting all my out-of-towners out the way,
visiting all the homes of the folks who are away, right?
The Harf family was supposed to be in Florida, West Palm.
Or so I thought.
Here's a list of the people you'll be collecting money from.
What I didn't realize was I was about to interrupt a crooked congressman
who was being bribed to shut down the Moonlight Mission.
Password is 4273.
It's my name, Harf.
Oh, one of the stops is the homeless shelter
that you did the candle-lighting ceremony at this morning.
That's right, the Moonlight Mission.
Mr. Marty Plaseck is going to pay me to get his hands on that land.
Yeah, but, what's he want with a homeless shelter?
He's gonna tear it down to build a tire store.
[Conrad] What can I say? I'm a bad guy.
[Nick] Yeah, this guy was a real carbuncle.
[Quad City DJ's' "What You Want For Christmas" playing]
♪ What you gonna get her for Christmas? ♪
[Nick] Anyway, I put on my jams like I always do for the out-of-townies.
[music coming from another room]
♪ Look here Santa Claus here's the deal ♪
♪ I'mma go to the club on Christmas Eve ♪
♪ And when I come home I wanna see This underneath my Christmas tree ♪
♪ Wit dat big booty girl you left for me Stockings on da fireplace ♪
♪ Some of that egg nog alizzae ♪
Hello?
Excuse me?
You can see me?
Yes.
Um...
- [music stops] - What are you doing here?
What am I doing... this is my house.
This is your house?
Oh, you know something?
I'm with the gas company.
Dressed as Santa?
B... Because we are... We're rebranding.
We're trying to be more family-friendly.
We've decided to dress according to the season, so, you know,
on Easter, I am an Easter bunny.
Halloween, I'm Dracula, the old-school version
with the v-neck hairstyle and the fangs.
It's all about the children growing up 'cause they're the future bill payers.
And because of that, the children are the future!
[grunts]
[grunting and shouting]
[Mary] Ow!
[Nick] Ah!
[dramatic upbeat music]
[screams]
[grunting]
[Conrad] Alright, that's it! Ah!
Yes.
Hope you and your friends like cauliflower.
[Conrad] Get him!
[Nick] And ever since, these goons have been chasing me.
Wow, you gotta be kidding me.
You put me and my daughter through this terrible night
all for some bungled burglary?
Eddie, look, it wasn't some bungling burglary.
All this time, I thought you really needed help.
I thought you had real issues.
Come to find out you're just a common crook!
Okay, whoa, take it easy, fella.
- He doesn't mean that. - Of course I mean it.
So, that's who they were, huh? The people that tried to run us over.
The ones that's been chasing us all night.
- Is that who you tried to rob? - He didn't rob anybody.
[shushes] Zip it, Willy Wonka.
Hey, hey, hey, bring it down. That's the total opposite of me, okay?
I'm a leaver, not a taker.
All the charades this whole night, all of the games.
Over! The whole night. Let's go, baby.
[Charlotte] You are not gonna take away everything.
[Eddie] Everything. Even the cookies.
- [Charlotte] No! - [Eddie] Yes.
[fax machine beeps]
Yes!
Yes! Exactly what I was looking for.
- The night is not over yet. - It's all fixed.
Thank you.
Bobby, this whole night is just out of control.
It's been a complete nightmare!
Yeah, you need the address?
- Don't do this, Dad. - Charlotte, please.
- No. - 259 Perry Street.
Atlanta, Georgia, 30316.
Alright, everybody, this has been real.
But I'm shutting the circus down.
I'mma get everybody the help that they need.
That means you, ladies, stop dancing. Moulin Rouge is over.
Would you like some Christmas caroler caramel confection?
- Where's Nick? - On the roof retrieving the reindeer.
Gerald is seeing him out because Nick has to deliver the gifts tonight.
Oh, he asked me to give you this.
Gerald, thanks for everything, especially the cookies.
I'll be out your hair in a minute, okay?
Anything for you, Nick, you know that.
- Hopefully this thing works. - It should work.
You know something, Gerald, I know exactly why it's not working.
It's not working 'cause Eddie doesn't believe.
Nick!
The fun is over. That's it.
You got to stop with this ridiculous show.
- Wow, you really are a non-believer. - Enough. Please don't start with that.
- And you're an old-fashioned thinker. - Bro, you own a fax machine.
And a rotary payphone.
Okay, everyone, let's be nice and cooperative.
You know, a whole bunch of people are gonna wake up tomorrow
to discover Christmas is canceled.
- That's on you. - I'll have to own that.
You know why? 'Cause I actually prefer Thanksgiving a lot better.
[officer] Let's go, sir.
- [man] What do we do now? - We improvise.
[Bobby] We'll put out an All Units on that SUV
but without a license number, it's gonna be tricky.
If you could just hold him until Atlanta PD can bring full charges
so I can get Charlotte home to her mother I would greatly appreciate it.
I don't think you're gonna have to wait.
We got a call about 10 minutes after yours.
Eddie, this is detectives Jack Finer and Zachary Strome.
- Nice to meet you. - With the DeKalb County warrants division.
Turns out your perp's wanted in connection with a whole spate of B&E's up there.
It's time for Ron to face the music.
- Ron? - Ron Campbell.
AKA the chimney thief.
- He have any personal items? - Just this.
What's that?
That's the reindeer clicker.
Eddie, what's going on?
What's going on is you're not Santa Claus.
You're Ron Campbell.
A burglar from Atlanta.
- But you knew that, right? - I have a bunch of aliases,
and that's not one of them.
Sometimes I go by Victor Van Vitch, you got Freddy Cougar.
Mellencamp, that's a good one, or my new favorite,
Lil Baby Claus.
All the rappers got Lil and Baby in their names,
so I thought I'd try it too.
Please don't make this more difficult than it has to be.
Eddie, listen to me.
These men are not who they say they are.
[Eddie] That's it, Nick.
Next time, come up with a better story
'cause there's no such thing as penguin doctors
and reindeer who like to fight to movie themes.
There's only honest people and dishonest people.
And you know which one you are, right?
You really don't believe.
[inaudible]
Nick, where are you going?
Honestly, I don't even know.
Take care of your dad, okay, Charlotte?
[Nick] So long.
- Little Bobby Carlotta. - [Bobby] Mm-hmm.
No train set for you this Christmas.
I've given you 35 of them.
Play with the old ones.
No choo-choo for you!
No idea what he's talking about.
Dad, don't let them take Nick.
Charlotte, he was being untruthful.
Lying to us the whole night.
Okay? He's not Santa Claus.
I could actually use a snack, I'm a little hungry.
Can we stop so I can get some cookies or something?
Where is it?
- The tablet. - I knew it!
I knew y'all were bad guys.
I had a feeling, right?
I'm supposed to know, it's part of my job.
- To know who's naughty or nice... - Shut up!
Where is the tablet?
Well, I usually keep the tablet in my secret Santa pocket,
but guess what, it's not in there. [chuckles]
Right, right.
[menacing laugh]
You're welcome for us doing your job.
- Did you get it? - No.
It's gonna take come persuading. Harf is at the mayor's Christmas party.
See you there.
[Bobby] Yo, Eddie.
Found this in your guy's cell.
He didn't have it when he was being processed.
Yeah, he has this thing where he makes stuff disappear somehow.
I can't figure out how he does it.
- Think you could get me an Uber? - Yeah, I got you.
- I owe you. - Yeah, you do.
[tense music]
Harf.
H-A-R-F.
Oh, I can't believe it was that easy.
Oh, wow.
What?
Can you believe this is how they've been tracking us?
- The iPad? - Yes, these are very bad people, Char.
Doing very bad things.
[jazz rendition of "Jingle Bells"]
[dramatic music]
Anyone smell cinnamon?
[sniffing]
You know, feelers out there, and if...
[indistinct whispering]
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Oh my God, he's even trying to shut down the Moonlight Mission.
[Conrad] A Christmas tree is like a pair...
[Eddie] Can you believe that?
He stands out there popping off about all the good things
he's gonna do to that place.
Dad, look, those are the guys who took Nick.
We need to help him.
He may be different than who we thought he was, Dad,
but he's not a bad person.
Okay.
I'll call my guy, Bobby, at the station and let him know, okay?
I gotta un-bedazzle this phone somehow.
- What's that? - Remember, Lucille gave it to me.
Said it was from Nick. Let me see.
[young Eddie's voice] Dear Santa, instead of toys this year,
I would like my parents to not fight so much
and to not get a divorce.
They are Theo and Brenda Garrick.
I have an idea for you.
My dad wants a collapsible fishing rod.
He loves to fish.
He catches bass and trout and shad,
so if you could bring him the rod and he thinks it's from my mom,
everyone would be happy.
Thanks and safe travels this Christmas Eve.
Your friend, Eddie Garrick.
We do have to help him.
- We do? - Yes, we do.
- But we don't know how to find him. - Look!
- Gimme an H, gimme an O... - You're the smartest girl I know.
Alright, if you don't want a bad rating, change of plan.
New address.
Whoa.
Hey, bud, you haven't touched your chicken.
Oh, honey, don't be disappointed.
I get it, Santa jumped out the back of our van
but at least we got to meet him.
[Sonia] And he knew who we were.
[Martin] He knew who we were, he knew who you were.
We need your help.
- [Sonia] Oh, hey. - What's going on?
- Oh, you. - What do you need our help for?
- To find Nick. - Alright.
[Tommy] Damn this thing!
Tony, how many times I tell you, huh? How many times?
We need to get a new machine.
I can't work like this.
Where is he now?
He's right here!
- Right where? - Uptown.
- Uptown where? - Looks like the mayor's mansion.
- Then that's where we have to go. - What for?
To save Santa Claus!
[gasps]
[excited chatter]
Somebody wants to do Christmas.
No, no, no...
[indistinct chatter]
[Eddie] Okay, let's just go.
- What do we do? - [all] We do Christmas!
[Run DMC: "Christmas in Hollis"]
♪ It's Christmas time and we got the spirit ♪
♪ Jack Frost chillin', the hawk is out And that's what Christmas is all about ♪
Wow, is that snow?
We haven't had snow on Christmas Eve in maybe 30 years.
Not maybe. It's been exactly 30 years.
♪ We wanna say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year ♪
[jazz rendition of "Jingle Bells"]
[dramatic music]
- Where's he at now? - Just outside the mansion.
- Are you okay, honey? - Two months worth of CrossFit, honey.
- [Sonia] Alright. - [Martin grunts]
- Be careful. - I got this.
[loud thud]
Dad, I wanna go with you.
Not a chance, you stay here. You guys keep an eye on her, okay?
Eddie, don't forget this.
Hey, Eddie!
- Huh? - [both] Do Christmas.
Yeah.
Here's what I'm thinking, I'm thinking you brought me here
to get the naughty and nice list, of course,
but it's not the naughty and nice list 'cause you already have that.
So, when you're done with the list, just give it back to me
so I can finish my deliveries for the night.
- [phone ringing] - Hello.
[Conrad] Let me see him.
Where's my tablet?
Like I told your associates, I don't know what you're talking about.
You were in my house looking for it.
- Who do you work for? - That's been a debate for generations.
You know? Some people think I work for Mother Nature,
or Father Time,
and recently everybody thinks I work for Beyoncé.
But no, every married man would understand this.
I work for Mrs. Claus.
Mrs. Claus is running everything, whatever she tells me to do,
that is what I do.
As soon as I get out of this event,
you and I are going to have a little discussion
and I'm not going to lie, it will be painful for you.
- Mary? - Yes, sir.
I'll meet you at the place next to the thing
and we will get this information out of him.
Copy that, boss.
- Let's get this over with. - [phone ringing]
It's probably the boss to clear up where the place by the thing is.
- Good, 'cause I had no idea. - Yeah, boss?
[loud interference and "Jingle Bells"]
♪ Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh ♪
♪ Jingle Bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way ♪
Where'd he go, where'd he go?
Nick!
[Mary, distant] Go get him!
Hey, Eddie, how you doing?
- [groaning] - [music continues]
[Eddie] What is going on in there?
Guess they heard one too many Christmas songs.
[all groaning and moaning]
Looks like it's wearing off now, let's get out of here.
[man] Claus! Right there.
[Mary] Get him!
[inaudible]
Madam Mayor.
What a lovely party.
Thank you so much, Conrad, that's so nice of you.
Now, what do you want?
[Nick] What're you doing here?
- I came here for you. - What do you mean you...
- Did the Truckles track me here? - Yeah, they did.
You know what? I love that family.
Look, there's one more thing I gotta tell you, but...
Let's just get out of here. I'll tell you later.
They can't guard him
and I'm the loud soccer mom.
I'm sorry, excuse me, Madam Mayor, just a moment.
They got away.
You know, those bad guys are after my naughty and nice list.
- Oh, macaroons. - Yes, I know.
Harf is a congressman on the House of Appropriations Committee.
He's been accepting bribes and he's basically using it
like his own private piggy bank.
Those are a lot of words.
[suspenseful music]
Come on, come on, man.
So, the tablet that you took
contains a list of all the pay-offs he intends to collect tonight.
You believe that, Eddie?
[suspenseful music]
[Conrad] Stop!
- You okay, boss? You look tired. - [Conrad coughing]
Where's my tablet?
Like I said, I don't know.
Look, Santa, I have no problem destroying this...
for every kid in America.
Oh, sorry.
He thinks I'm just local, no, I'm...
I'm global. [chuckles]
Okay.
- What about you? - What about me?
What's your involvement in all of this?
I'm just Santa's helper, that's it.
Eddie, did you just say...
- Did you just say that out loud? - Don't do that.
That you're Santa's helper.
- You've come such a long way, Eddie. - Don't...
Y'all heard that!
He said he's Santa's helper! [chuckles]
- Alright. - That is partnership!
Okay, okay, alright, alright.
Okay, don't go too far.
- [Eddie] Calm down. - What is happening here?
How can these two rob us,
outfox us, outrun us?
These two!
Man, you are not Santa Claus.
And you, you're not whoever it is you think you are.
Why you messin' with me? I didn't do anything.
Take them to the spot and use everything we learned
on Google on how to extract information
from those who don't want information extracted from them.
Yes, Conrad Harf!
When you were nine years old, you wanted the Action Arthur ninja doll.
With the kung fu grip... Yes you did, yes you did.
- Yes you did. - I don't know what you're talking...
about.
It had the little button in the back and the foot and the arm would come up.
The right foot and the left hand and it would do a karate thing.
But you wanted it. It was tricky, we couldn't get it
because the gingerbread men decided to go on a strike.
I know you really wanted that action doll and I'm sorry I couldn't get it for you.
But it all makes sense now
which is why you probably got this weird origin villain story right now.
Shut up!
You guys take care of this.
I got it.
Give me this.
[taps on iPad]
[Conrad chuckles] Very good.
- [Conrad] Now... - Eddie, you gotta believe.
- Believe and magic happens. - What shall we do about these two?
- What is that? - Little known Santa fact number four.
Reindeer can do more than just fly.
They're great at gift wrapping, making pasta from scratch,
and protecting Santa against anybody that messes with him.
[magical music and jingles]
[jingles fade]
[Nick] Eddie, open your eyes.
[magical music builds]
[distant jingles]
[Rocky theme tune plays]
[whooshing]
[all screaming]
Man, where have they been all night?
They've just been circling the sky waiting on you.
Just waiting on you to have faith.
[bells jingling]
[tense music]
[LL Cool J: "Mama Said Knock You Out" playing]
[grunting and screaming]
♪ Don't call it a comeback I been here for years ♪
♪ I'm rocking my peers Putting suckas in fear ♪
♪ Making the tears Rain down like a monsoon ♪
♪ Listen to the bass go boom ♪
[grunts]
[screams]
Turn those lights off!
[screaming] Please, no!
[screaming]
♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪
♪ Mama said knock you out ♪
♪ Don't you never ever pull my lever ♪
[Nick whistling]
♪ 'Cause I explode ♪
[music pauses]
Aww.
♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪
[screaming]
♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪
- [music stops] - [reindeer braying]
- How long will I be up here? - It's what you get.
[Conrad] Mommy!
[upbeat, magical music]
- You see the reindeer? - Yeah!
- You wanna go pet them? - Mm-hmm.
Hi!
You're so fluffy.
[Nick] Good job.
I missed you so much, great job tonight, ladies.
[muttering] Alright, let's get out of here.
[Eddie] Hey, Nick.
- You're forgetting something. - [Nick chuckles]
Can't forget this. [chuckles]
Thank you.
Hey.
[emotive music]
You know, this whole time you've been trying to get me to believe in you.
I want you to know that
I wouldn't have got there if you didn't believe in me first.
Look, Eddie, I would love to take the credit for this, but...
It wasn't about me believing in you.
You know who truly believed in you to make all this happen?
That amazing little girl right over there.
Can you smile for me?
[Charlotte] Hi!
So, are these your brothers or your sisters, or... ?
Look, Eddie,
all I wanna do is have you start believing again.
Like you once did, you know?
When eight-year-old Eddie
thought that a fishing rod would solve all of his problems.
[Eddie] You know, things aren't so bad, Nick.
Things aren't so bad at all.
[chuckles]
Oh, before I forget.
Could you give this to Harf for me?
- Got it. - Tell him it's from Santa. [chuckles]
[reins crack]
[magical music and jingles]
Bye, Nick!
You really pulled out all the stops this year, Madam Mayor.
[Nick chuckling]
[signal beeping]
[Kayleigh] He's on the move!
So, my dad pressed the reindeer clicker, right?
And that called the reindeer.
Are you getting this? Should I start over?
Everything you need to know about the crooked congressman
and his three stooges is on there, alright?
Harf, before you go...
- He wanted you to have this. - What is it?
- Guess you gotta open it and see. - [scoffs]
No... No...
Action Arthur! Action Arthur!
I'm a good boy now!
- Hi-yah! Hi-yah! - Yeah, okay...
- Get him in. - Action Arthur, officer!
[Conrad chuckling] Action Arthur.
Maybe he really was Santa.
I told you the entire time.
[all chattering] [Conrad] He's magic!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Aren't you guys a little old to be believing in Santa Claus?
I'm 42.
[phone ringing]
Hello? Nick! You okay?
You got it, brother.
We are back, people! We are back! [cheering]
[triumphant music]
[indistinct]
Merry Christmas!
[all] One, two, three... We saved Christmas!
Alright, let's roll.
Time to keep on trucking.
[emotive music]
It's okay, Dad, you'll do great.
Are you okay? Oh!
- I'm fine, we had the best night. - Where were you?
I know you're not gonna believe me, but we were with Santa Claus.
Okay, you know what, Eddie? Now is not the time to mess with me.
No, no, baby, we were. We were with Santa Claus.
I promise. Charlotte, you gonna leave me out to dry?
- Back me up. - Mom, Dad's telling the truth.
We were!
Now you've enlisted our 8-year-old daughter
to go along with your shenanigans?
No, I would never do that, I'm telling you.
Just listen for a second.
[loud thud]
What was that?
[suspenseful music]
What are y'all looking at?
[chuckling]
What are you doing here?
See, I knew your story wouldn't fly, so, I decided to help you out a bit.
Yeah, it crashed right into the ocean.
- Hi. - Hi.
You're the Santa Claus...
Yes, I am The Santa Claus.
[Allison] Okay, well...
What's up with the hombre beard?
He dyed it because of his midlife crisis.
You, you... This is all quite unbelievable.
You know what's unbelievable?
The look on your seven-year-old face
when you got your Mr. and Mrs. Seahorse family playset.
You were so excited to have that.
You didn't think you'd get a gift that year because...
My dad had lost his job.
I don't remember telling you about that.
You didn't, that's what I'm saying.
This is what I've been dealing with all night.
Okay, goodnight.
[Nick] Wait, don't leave just yet.
Eddie here has something he wants to tell you.
- I do? - [singing] He knows what you are thinking.
I know what you're thinking, so you gonna say it.
You gonna say it.
- Yes, I do, I do. - He does.
- There you go, go ahead, do your thing. - I... I'm going.
Okay, gimme some space.
Okay.
- Allison... - Allison...
You know something?
I'll be over here.
Allison, I think I've always been afraid.
Ever since I was eight years old, I've been terrified
because on Christmas, my parents split up.
So, when Charlotte turned eight, it just all came flooding back.
And I figured it's safer to, as you say, detach.
But that's not being safe, I know.
That's just being afraid.
Now I realize none of that makes any sense.
Not when you have something that you really believe in.
And for me, that's you.
And my beautiful daughter, Charlotte.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that
you two are my Christmas.
Every day of the year.
And I love you.
It took your buddy, Santa, to help you figure out all of this?
He did a little bit, yes. I'll give him a little credit.
Man, you gonna make me cry.
So, what did you think?
About what I said?
I think...
- It was alright. - [Eddie] What?
I think I like it.
Santa, why is your bag moving?
I'm glad you asked. I got a surprise for you.
Say hello to Bulldozer.
[chuckles]
No.
No, no, no.
[Charlotte] Hello, Bulldozer.
No, no, we do not need a dog, okay?
Yes we do.
We need a dog.
[Nick] If I'd known 30 years ago, we could've saved your dad...
I'm so glad you agree, baby.
[emotive music]
Charlotte, look.
Christmas magic.
You're the man, Santa.
[Nick chuckling]
Look at this big boy.
My work here is done.
[indistinct]
[mouths] Thank you.
Alright, Garricks.
[Christmas fanfare music]
Have a Merry Christmas.
- Whoa. - Whoa.
[horn honking to "Jingle Bells"]
Are we expecting someone else?
Hey, guys, you wanna come in and meet Bulldozer?
- [Sonia] Absolutely. - [Martin] Absolutely.
[Sonia] Look, oh my...
Alright, ladies, we got a long night to go.
[chuckles] And a lot of catching up to do.
[emotive music swells]
[bells jingling]
Santa!
Bye, Santa!
[emotive music continues]
[upbeat music]
♪ Your beard's as white as snow ♪
♪ Your gifts can warm the cold ♪
♪ You know everything I need You're alright, you're alright with me ♪
♪ Santa, you're alright You're alright with me ♪
♪ Santa, you're alright ♪
♪ Making sure your list is right Flying through the freezing night ♪
♪ Before the smiles come morning time ♪
♪ Santa, you're alright You're alright with me ♪
♪ Santa, you're alright, you're alright with me ♪
♪ You made me believe again ♪
♪ I feel like a kid again ♪
♪ Yeah, you made me believe again ♪
♪ Oh, I feel like a kid again ♪
♪ Your beard's as white as snow Your gifts can warm the cold ♪
♪ You know everything I need You're alright, you're alright with me ♪
♪ Alright with me ♪
♪ Santa, you're alright, you're alright with me ♪
♪ Making sure your list is right Flying through the freezing night ♪
♪ Before the smiles come morning time ♪
♪ Ooh, you're alright You're alright with me ♪
♪ You're alright with me ♪
♪ Santa, you're alright You're alright with me ♪
♪ You made me believe again ♪
♪ I feel like a kid again ♪
♪ You made me believe again ♪
♪ I feel like a kid again Oh, Santa, you're alright ♪
♪ You're alright with me ♪
♪ Whoo, Santa, you're alright You're alright with me ♪
♪ Santa, you're alright ♪
♪ Santa, you're alright with me ♪
♪ Oh, Santa, you're alright ♪
♪ You're alright with me, ow! ♪
(喬治亞州,亞特蘭大)
聖誕節,哼,最沒意思的節日
沒錯,就是這樣 費工夫又沒人家說的那麼好
別誤會,我跟別人一樣喜歡放假
但是六月節或獨立紀念日都比聖誕節好
我甚至還更喜歡植樹節
那天至少是在種樹而不是砍樹
(卅年前)
在你說我是黑特之前 你要知道我還有另一個
不過聖誕節的重要原因
在這一天,大家都想收到很多禮物
但我才不想,我衹需要一樣東西
於是我一路走去找這個
能幫我達成一個簡單要求的人
小朋友,你想要什麼聖誕禮物?
我已經有寄信去你北極的家了
我讀信的進度有點落後 你要的是什麼?
我要我爸媽別再吵架 可以幫我嗎,聖誕老人?
我不知道,也許吧
我爸想要一支折疊釣竿
他很喜歡釣魚
如果你送他釣竿 讓他以為是我媽送的
那就能解決所有的問題
那是你媽媽嗎?
沒錯
她看起來有點難過 因為我爸出門好幾天了
聖誕老人,可以幫我嗎?
你家住哪?
我覺得聖誕老人問我住哪有點奇怪
但是他在聖誕節有很多事要忙
一切如我所願順利進行
我爸出差完
及時趕在聖誕節回家了
怎麼這麼大費周章?
艾迪想要好好過一次聖誕節
很漂亮
我們一家人終於在聖誕節團聚了
好久以來第一次
對,很久沒這樣了
這樣就能為聖誕老人做好準備
對吧,爸?
對,兒子 因為我們要為聖誕老人做好準備
年幼的我對那天晚上寄予了厚望
假如不能依靠聖誕老人的幫忙 那還能依靠誰呢?
於是我把賭注押在聖誕老人身上
有那麼一瞬間,我以為我贏大錢了
喂,你在偷我們的東西嗎?
結果反而輸慘了
不,爸,住手!
沒有
他是來幫忙的!
來的根本不是聖誕老人
衹是購物中心的那個傢伙 穿著租來的服裝
他趁我老爸為聖誕老人佈置客廳時
來偷東西,而不是送禮物
因為他的關係,那變成我們一家人
度過的最後一次聖誕節
住手!
我就是在那時候 學會不對聖誕節有任何指望
對了,順便一提,假如聖誕老人
跟你要地址,千萬別給他
《狂奔向聖誕》
噁心
不會吧,每臺都是,拜託一下
(寶貝女兒來電)
喂?寶貝女兒,妳今天好嗎?
超好的,因為今天是聖誕節前夕
那個啊
你不喜歡聖誕節真是太奇怪了
別這麼說,妳知道我很喜歡
我衹是不喜歡 聖誕音樂、裝飾品、擺飾
燈飾、聖誕樹、餅乾
還有過度購物,就這樣
你真是個怪人,你晚點會過來嗎?
我晚點當然會過去
我無論如何都不會錯過
不過,寶貝女兒 我有另一通電話要接
好,那待會見
- 抱怨鬼再見 - 再見
(墨克來電)
- 墨克,怎麼樣? - 亞特蘭大警察局祝你聖誕快樂
我們需要我們最喜歡的危機顧問幫忙
你可以馬上來藝術中心一趟嗎?
好,沒問題,我這就過去
說明一下吧,怎麼回事?
你看
我想知道他在那上面做什麼嗎?
- 有問到名字嗎? - 沒有
你可以爬梯子上去
不用,我直接爬
需要梯子的時候我會告訴你們 好嗎?
你好啊
你的鬍子很帥
我一直想留那樣的鬍子
但不知為何就沒辦法,你好嗎?
- 你有名字嗎? - 我是路德
路德你好,我是艾迪
很高興認識你
- 艾迪,你是警察嗎? - 不是,我是臨床醫生
我是和警察共事的社工
我專門幫助遇到了一點麻煩的人
但不是需要警察介入的那種麻煩
路德,告訴我,你在這上面做什麼?
我衹是想一個人待在這裡
好的,我明白 但我要告訴你一件事,路德
我的工作,我工作中最重要的職責
就是絕不讓任何感到悲傷又孤獨的人
繼續感到悲傷又孤獨
我今天確實感到悲傷又孤獨
聖誕節有時很難熬
沒錯
你小時候聖誕節過得愉快嗎?
再愉快不過了
- 你媽媽負責烹飪嗎? - 對
我媽會做巨無霸烤肉餐
我媽也是耶
- 肉有跟骨頭分家嗎? - 馬上分家
- 迷你紅蘿蔔呢? - 還有糖蜜
當然要
- 還有紅皮馬鈴薯 - 紅皮馬鈴薯,我超喜歡的
- 帶皮吃還是去皮吃? - 帶皮吃,你以為我是什麼
野蠻人嗎?別鬧了
兄弟,你很有幽默感
我們從這裡下去如何?
我幫你去月光慈善機構找一個床位
好嗎?也許聖誕節不必這麼難過
你這麼相信嗎?
我相信迷你紅蘿蔔和紅皮馬鈴薯
帶皮的
大家好,這位是路德
他想去月光慈善機構
我們派克勞利醫師過去看看他吧
這樣吧,打電話 給芬尼根牛排館的娜奧米
跟他們訂幾片特級烤肉
要搭配所有的配料
我的兄弟
我明天會過去看他,可以嗎?
- 沒問題 - 好的
艾迪,祝你有非常美好的聖誕節
不知道那是什麼意思 不過聽起來很可怕
對,這才像話
再過幾小時就是聖誕節前夕
眾議院議員康拉德哈夫來到萊克伍德
參加聖誕樹點燭光儀式, 地點就在月光慈善機構外
該機構為街友們提供臨時住所 與直接照護
路德,我的兄弟
烤肉馬上送去給你
聖誕樹就像一雙溫暖、張開的手
歡迎所有人共度愛與分享的時節
對我來說,聖誕節前夕 真正的奇妙之處
就是它讓我們每一個人,不分年齡
都覺得自己是小孩子
我們都屬於同一個大家庭
我們能給的最佳禮物
就是幫助最困苦的人們
我是認真的
(哈夫議員為月光慈善機構奮鬥)
亞特蘭大市民們 永遠要記得陪在家人身邊
剛才是康拉德哈夫議員
發表激勵人心又體貼的演講
妳們好...
你好,你看起來一臉震驚
你看到什麼,過去、現在 和未來不好的記憶嗎?
真「好笑」,妳好,寶貝女兒
爸,我們帶了聖誕晚餐給你
妳穿著紅配綠的漂亮衣服耶
萬一待會你帶我去特別的地方
我必須穿著得體
幫我拿這個,謝謝,要拿好,好
這麼做是為什麼?
是因為我相當肯定
你今晚不會過來
我不希望你在聖誕節前夕 讓我們的孩子失望
好,我問妳,如果妳不讓我試著證明
治療有效 那我們去治療有什麼意義?
艾迪,我衹是給你點起步的優勢
火腿是你喜歡的那種
- 裡面有鳳梨圈的那種? - 還淋了紅糖漿
這樣吧,別管什麼治療了
我們今晚去跳舞如何?
雖然聽起來很誘人,還是不了
我還要去進行一些最後購物
但麻煩在八點半前送我的孩子回家
等等...妳要走了?
對啊,這是快十年來頭一次
爸爸聖誕節不用工作
我覺得應該來點父女歡樂時光
- 父女歡樂時光? - 你的孩子很喜歡聖誕節
- 對不對? - 我知道,我衹是...
- 好好去玩吧 - 沒問題
- 妳懂我 - 好
- 我是歡樂先生 - 好的
寶貝再見,晚點見!
- 媽媽再見! - 祝你們玩得愉快
幫我把食物放進冰箱
妳爸爸會把它丟在流理臺一整晚
這...等一下
我還是不懂 我們為什麼要穿這些蠢衣服
這樣才能融入
今天是聖誕節前夕,這是計畫的精髓
也是固有的缺點
你們不能直接出現在別人家
你們這樣看起來像一群歡唱頌歌的人
但其實是在替我收錢
這叫做聖誕迷彩
- 取得很好 - 不,等一下,不是
是...我正要那麼說...
謝謝
這是你們收錢對像的名單
要用生命保護那臺iPad
把它當作收賄說明書
對了,妳媽媽有交什麼 我應該知道的新朋友嗎?
- 現在問這個? - 就是那種
可能會帶她出去吃飯
看《黑人當道》時摟著她的朋友
你是說羅傑嗎?
- 你有沒有綠色的... - 不...
妳剛才說羅傑嗎?誰是羅傑?
他穿著毛皮大衣,眼睛超小
但還是很像火星人布魯諾
感覺羅傑是個討厭鬼
爸,羅傑是我養的倉鼠啦
妳就是要耍我是吧?
妳今晚要洗碗,知道吧?
爸,快來看!
很棒吧?
他們聽起來像一群被打傷的鴨子
寶貝,我得去隔壁餵曼寧斯家的貓
他們去坎昆玩了
- 要一起來嗎? - 我想,可是加百列和坦奈雅
正在表演
好,聽我說,我馬上回來,好嗎?
- 哪裡都別去 - 對布丁貓好一點
否則牠不會離開藏身處
牠叫布丁貓?我是大人
- 我叫牠貓就好 - 那個名字很可愛!
真不敢相信你讓他偷了iPad
東西確定在裡面嗎?
當然在裡面,我們追蹤到了這裡
- 好,我們進去拿 - 等等,那是誰?
不知道,長得有點像約翰傳奇
布丁貓,布丁貓
小貓咪,過來
貓!你在哪?
假如我叫布丁貓,我也會躲起來 你在哪?
早知道就在感恩節後開始混合健身
大屁股進去
屁股出來,看看我,我卡住了
不好意思,可以告訴我 你在我鄰居家的煙囪裡做什麼嗎?
- 你看得到我嗎? - 對,我看到你了
我在這裡做什麼...
我衹是...來晃晃,模仿蝙蝠
假如蝙蝠是王子的話,就是那個歌手
- 這叫做「王子蝙蝠」 - 我聽不懂你在講什麼
但你必須離開 你麻煩大了,但我會把你拉出來
- 那就太好了 - 準備好了嗎?
一、二
三!
天啊,我剛才整個卡在裡面
並不是因為我胖了
總之,我們可以忘了這一切嗎?
可以別告訴任何人 我被困在煙囪裡的事嗎?
而且我還要徹夜工作呢
如你所見,我有事要忙,失陪了
「失陪」...有聽到我對你說話嗎?
這又不是你家冰箱
有沒有搞錯?簡單的格言
歷史悠久的傳統習俗都有講
什麼?
酸豆?他們有酸豆 卻沒貝果、沒燻鮭魚
- 沒青蔥抹醬? - 你在做什麼?
我在找餅乾和牛奶
他們任何一樣都沒有
他們兩樣都沒有...任何一樣都沒有
我從來都搞不清楚「兩個都沒有」
和「任何一個都沒有」的差別 你搞得清楚嗎?
現在兩個都不重要
因為你似乎闖入了我鄰居家中
你似乎有點混亂
你困惑嗎?
介意我搜你的身嗎?
等等,別動手,好嗎?
- 你是警察嗎? - 不是
但我和警方共事
因為老實說,你看起來
不太像替警方做事的人
你看起來是專門在賣影印機 給不想買影印機的人
砰!
「官員」,看到沒?
- 看到沒?「亞特蘭大警察」 - 幾乎看不到
我好像把眼鏡忘在雪橇裡 找到了,在這裡
-「雪橇裡」? - 是的,我有雪橇
還不夠明顯...
- 雪橇? - 好,也許這能喚起你的記憶
「他跳上雪橇,向他的隊伍吹一聲哨
他們全都像薊花的絨毛那樣飛走」
停!住嘴
你在我鄰居家裡做什麼?
我來送禮物
- 給曼寧斯一家人 - 你認識曼寧斯一家人?
當然認識,他們現在 在坎昆度假,對不對?
說真的,他們回來時 還會頂著丟人的玉米壟髮型
看起來真的很怪異 不過反正就這樣了
聽著,我今晚工作得很累 我在一個客戶家出了小意外
現在又在這裡和另一 個客戶發生了意外
告訴你一點關於我的趣味知識 我稱他們為客戶
失陪了,我有事要忙、有禮物要送
喂
兄弟,請你停下來
為了安全起見,我要來搜你的身
這樣吧,儘管來,搜吧
不過要小心,我怕癢
- 轉過去 - 好
全世界到處去送禮物
沒有任何生物的動靜 連一隻老鼠都沒有
這是什麼?
紅蘿蔔
這是我的零食
我太太說我應該吃健康一點 所以決定給我一些紅蘿蔔
她認為這可以讓我漸漸戒掉餅乾
目前為止還沒有用
真可悲
- 你叫什麼名字? - 聖塔尼古拉
- 聖塔尼古拉? - 我唸慢一點給你聽
聖塔尼古拉
就是聖誕老人
- 對! - 真可愛
天啊,好不容易
- 那是做什麼用的? - 這是我的頑皮寶寶和乖寶寶名單
- 用iPad? - 是的,我們在不失傳統的同時
把它現代化了
這個要怎麼解鎖?
好,可是...
我解鎖不了
肯定有人改了臉部辨識設定
用你的臉試試看,好吧,沒用
看來我得自由發揮了
天啊,我的進度落後好多
假如日出前沒回家 聖誕老婆婆會氣炸
她最喜歡我的可變通性
好,我們帶你去檢查一下
然後我們再談
糟糕,我得打給老大
不用,我來打
爸,沒事吧?
沒事,寶貝,我衹是需要帶這位先生
去看醫生
我得打給妳媽媽 請她來接妳,好嗎?
什麼?現在?
我知道時間還早,衹是這個人 真的很需要幫忙,好嗎?
妳好嗎?妳叫做夏洛特,對不對?
- 你怎麼知道她的名字? - 對啊,你是誰?
拜託,你們看到我這一身裝扮 卻認不得我是誰?
- 那你的白鬍子呢? - 對啊
你不覺得自稱聖誕老人
應該要有他的招牌特徵嗎?
聽我說,白鬍子這個特徵 是錯誤的傳說
從北歐人開始的
他們一開始說他有白色的大鬍子 和捲翹的八字鬍
所有人就相信了
好啦,這是我染的,可以嗎?
我正在經歷中年危機
我一千四百六十二歲了
如果我想看起來至少年輕個三歲 這麼做也不為過
你是聖誕老人,是吧? 你什麼時候出生的?
小歐普拉,妳的問題真多
- 西元皕年 - 地點呢?
- 安納托力亞 - 安納托力亞是什麼?
妳也是小蓋爾金
安納托力亞是現在的土耳其
以在土耳其出生的人來說 你的英語講得挺好的
我非常多樣化
我會說172種語言和方言
寶貝,我先送妳回家 然後我再來處理聖塔...
尼克的事
跟你們說,我確實需要幫忙 我深入了解了我的馴鹿
馴鹿,要怎麼了解牠們?
跳躍有分離焦慮症
跳舞家最近都吃不好
對,有人跟他在一起
你要我們怎麼做?
格拉希醫師說可能是腸胃炎 我也不清楚
- 格拉希醫師? - 是的,格拉希醫師
格拉希醫師是北極最優秀的企鵝醫生
並不是因為牠專門替企鵝看病
而是因為牠是一隻職業是醫生的企鵝
看好了,這個小按鈕由聖誕精神供電
看看現在的天空
你們即將親眼目睹
由八隻色彩艶麗的馴鹿拉著的雪橇
一定是藍芽配對失敗了
寶貝,如妳所見 這個人確實需要幫忙,好嗎?
他想從天空呼叫馴鹿
我先送妳回家 再帶這個人去他需要去的地方
這樣吧,我確實需要做個檢查
我待會再去看馴鹿
對,應該要這麼做
如我剛才所說
怎麼回事?
聖誕老人趣味知識二,我的汗會發光
好酷喔!
- 彗星、雌狐... - 老兄
你也太費工夫了
你知道我朋友大衛班克斯嗎?
他爸爸說聖誕老人是黑人
衹是歷史書籍都被改了
首先,我愛小大衛班克斯
他今年表現得非常棒,事實上
他是今年不會收到花椰菜的孩子之一
- 花椰菜? - 對,我們幾年前逐漸淘汰了煤炭
因為有生態平衡的問題
燒煤炭等等,很多問題
所以頑皮的孩子就會在襪子裡 收到一團花椰菜
爸,他真的是聖誕老人!
我的真名是聖塔尼古拉
「聖」跟「塔」寫在一起...
我用了聖誕老婆婆的姓
我們北極很進步,要懂得跟上時代
但我也有一些綽號
有尷尬老古、聖爪
樂呵呵
我最喜歡的是禮物大方送先生
三世
好,假如你真的是聖誕老人
告訴我夏洛特想要什麼聖誕禮物
首先,她想要一件卡通T恤 對不對?
再來,她想要安娜和艾莎娃娃
因為她超喜歡《冰雪奇緣》
她還想要玩具彩妝套組
最後,她想要一臺粉紅色滑板車
他說的沒錯!我的天啊,爸,看吧?
我沒遇過不想要玩具 彩妝套組的八歲女孩
艾迪,你這裡可能有餅乾...
或其他烘焙食品嗎?
女童軍餅乾、香草威化餅乾
燕麥葡萄乾餅乾我都吃 我衹是需要吃餅乾
你看,我這裡有醫生處方
- 我可以吃零食 - 我猜看看,是企鵝寫的
不是,是另一位巴頓斯醫師
抱歉,牠的字跡潦草
巴頓斯醫師是一隻會繪畫的貓
- 你從哪裡拿出來的? - 我的隱藏式聖誕老人口袋
我明明檢查過你所有的口袋
所以才叫做「隱藏式」口袋啊
我把各種東西都收在那個口袋裡
這裡面有馴鹿飼料、驅犛牛劑
有金屬箔清除劑
稍微刷一下,金屬箔就掉了 很容易就馬上清除
還有,你知道我現在缺勤中嗎?
這是好幾千年來的第一次 我從來沒缺勤過
抱歉,尼克,我爸有點討厭聖誕節
沒關係,夏洛特,他有他的理由
你在說些什麼? 什麼叫「我有我的理由」?
艾迪,我什麼都知道
我什麼都知道,這不衹是個口號
- 不,這是事實 - 抱歉,等一下
那是什麼味道?你們有聞到嗎?
- 那是什麼? - 什麼味道?
不知道,聞起來有點像...肉桂
是我啦
- 你做了什麼? - 聖誕老人趣味知識三
聖誕老人放屁有肉桂味
你說什麼?
他在那
停車
- 什麼? - 停車!
不要
他們瘋了嗎?
- 他們是誰? - 看起來是雪人和小精靈
還有胡桃鉗 又名「每週二來我家的傢伙」
有沒有搞錯?快追!
(單行道)
- 我們得轉彎! - 不!
應該甩掉他們了
- 寶貝,沒事吧? - 沒事
剛才是怎麼回事?
很多人在聖誕節前夕變得很瘋狂
- 這種事老是發生 - 拜託
不,現在別這樣
不可置信
- 喂? - 我們跟丟他了
怎麼可能?
我也不知道,長官 這真是個漫長的夜晚
- 妳知道還有什麼很漫長嗎,瑪莉? - 還有什麼?
- 徒刑 - 議員...
但我們別折磨自己 別去想會發生什麼事
假如那個東西落入敵人手裡 我就完蛋了!
- 我知道,長官,很抱歉 - 燻腸湯
魚餅、火雞炸火雞
這些是監獄裡的一些伙食
假如你們沒找到iPad 我們最後就會去那裡
等一下
我的幾位選民來了
榮耀歸於
- 我們會逮到他的 - 閉嘴
至高的神
齊來敬拜祂
齊來敬拜
我主基督
去找到他,去找到他,你們有能力
把聖誕老人給我抓來!
等一下,我叫個計程車
等我一下,沒事的
(錢德勒計程車隊)
不好意思,你有手機嗎? 因為我的收到一些怪訊號
我不需要手機,如果需要傳訊息
我衹需呼叫我的善知鳥團隊即可 你們看
善知鳥!
善知鳥...
跟你們說,我忘了 我讓牠們放假去了
我接下來要帶你去亞特蘭大警察局
我在那裡有個叫鮑比卡拉塔的朋友
他是我高中同學,他現在是警探
他可以帶你去醫院 尋求你需要的幫助
就這麼簡單
然後寶貝女兒,妳和我 可以去妳媽媽家等
真不敢相信她還在購物
她超喜歡最後購物
我沒意見,買吧,老媽,買吧!
我喜歡這句,買吧,老媽,買!
- 買吧,老媽,買! - 買吧,老媽,買!
- 不要停下來 - 不要停下來
- 每間店都逛 - 買很多禮物
買吧,老媽,買!
- 真好玩 - 你們真是最佳搭檔
- 她很厲害 - 太棒了
帶你去警察局的時候 我會幫你一點忙,好嗎?
和鮑比談的時候
我不會提及闖入民宅的事
好嗎?
我衹會讓他知道你可能是個
正在經歷某種危機的人
需要做個評估
你懂我的用意嗎?
- 我懂 - 好
但你知道你該幫誰的忙嗎?
你同學,鮑比卡拉塔
他超喜歡太平洋鐵路玩具火車,沒錯
我每年聖誕節都送他一盒
但他不希望警區的任何人知道
他喜歡坐在家裡玩玩具火車
- 懂我意思嗎? - 懂了
就好像你已經是大人了 還假裝是聖誕老人
像是那樣嗎?
- 有什麼蛛絲馬跡嗎? - 沒有,我們跟丟了
等等,他在那,找到了
- 哪裡? - 這裡,紅綠燈左轉
怎麼樣啊?
- 衹是看你們好不好 - 聽我說,她玩得可開心了
真的嗎?那真是太棒了
我在想也許在你送她回家後
我們可以去喝一杯 因為我發現一種很棒的
薄荷馬丁尼調配法,把壓碎的拐杖糖
- 黏在酒杯杯緣,然後... - 聽起來
聽起來超可口的
- 我們可能會晚一點到 - 等等,為什麼?
就像妳說的 我們在共度父女歡樂時光
父女歡樂時光
好的,最後購物快結束了
待會一起喝薄荷馬丁尼吧
好,我等不及了
好,再見
我們真的該回家了
我爸媽分居,他們會去找治療師
- 夏洛特! - 艾迪,這沒什麼丟臉的
治療是好事 我和聖誕老婆婆也會去找治療師
我猜看看,又是企鵝嗎?
不是,艾迪,我們的治療師不是企鵝
牠是一隻海象,沒錯
- 牠叫亞圖里歐土斯卡尼尼 - 土斯卡尼尼?
亞圖里歐土斯卡尼尼醫師
艾迪,我和我太太也會有艱難時期
我們結婚好幾百年了 每對夫妻都會遇到困難
- 好幾百年... - 什麼事讓你不高興?
這就真的不關你的事了
我也想知道
你和媽為什麼處不來?
哪有,我們相處融洽
衹是有時候 人跟人就沒辦法繼續在一起了
懂嗎?
我承認,我...
我也不喜歡看她難過的樣子
我覺得今晚有些事可以不提
比如我們來市中心的事
- 我該走了 - 尼克!
尼克!
找到你了!
- 走吧,夏洛特 - 他的袋子怎麼辦?
別管了,這個人需要我們的幫忙
我們走
寶貝,聽好了 不論如何都不要放開我的手
別擔心,我會保護你
太多聖誕老人了
抱歉
你好啊!你的聖誕老人裝呢?
抱歉
這個地方超棒的!
這絕對是我經常做的噩夢
我們趕快找到他,才能離開這裡
我們走!
各位,我們繼續炒熱氣氛吧
現場有一位特別來賓 他想為我們演唱
一首經典老歌,你們一定會喜歡
- 有看到他嗎? - 我看到很多個他
我無法區分誰是誰
不好意思
爸,來嘛
借過一下
讓開,讓開
尼克,尼克!
尼克,我是夏洛特!
夏洛特,快上臺來,她沒問題
喂,老兄,你在做什麼?
- 妳會什麼?我看看妳會什麼 - 老兄,那是我女兒
你幹嘛?
很好,很厲害
不過我要讓妳看看我們在北極怎麼跳
妳看,這叫做北極西迷舞
就是這樣
耶!
- 寶貝! - 爸,快上來
可以,他沒問題
- 寶貝,妳在做什麼? - 跟我一起跳就對了
來歡樂一下嘛!跳個北極西迷舞
不要吧
跳得好!
艾迪、夏洛特
我們離開這裡吧?
耶!
天啊!
爸,你看!
- 不... - 我在飛!
太棒了!
為什麼沒人接住我?
快走!
今晚什麼時候才會結束?
他不可能走太遠
我們不能就放他走嗎?
寶貝,我想放他走再送妳回媽媽家
- 但我就是沒辦法,好嗎? - 為什麼?
因為爸爸工作中最重要的職責
就是不讓任何感到悲傷又孤獨的人
繼續感到悲傷又孤獨,知道嗎?
我不覺得他悲傷又孤獨
我覺得他是我遇過最快樂的人之一
那是因為妳年紀還太小,無法理解
才不是!
你衹是因為他是聖誕老人 你又討厭聖誕節
所以不喜歡他
他不是聖誕老人 因為聖誕老人不存...
我們送妳回家吧 這是我們早該做的事
爸,你看!
還記得嗎?他流的汗會發光
尼克,剛才好酷,你真是不可思議!
謝謝妳!
我想告訴妳我想妳 但是才過了十分鐘而已
你好,艾德華
可以告訴我剛才是怎麼回事嗎?
你是說那場精彩的表演嗎? 我玩得好開心
我從來不放過即興表演的機會
而且我什麼音樂類型都會 我會節奏藍調、爵士...
我指的不是表演
而是你從移動中的計程車 跳出去這件事
- 你在躲誰? - 那個啊
那沒什麼,夏洛特,妳看
模型都做對了
- 北極那裡真的是這樣嗎? - 是的
他們甚至還做了拐杖糖部門
做得非常細緻,不過唯一缺少的
- 就是帕洛瑪夏普小姐 - 她是誰?
她是發明拐杖糖的人
她爸爸年紀很大,很老了
他摔斷了腳踝 於是她就用焦糖製作腋下拐
可是並不是很牢固,所以...
她沒有給他腋下拐 而是給了他一根拐杖
- 沒錯,那就叫做... - 拐杖糖!
我可以跟你說句話嗎?
你要說一整段話也可以
好,聽著,我盡力對你表示同情
我想幫助你 但你不能再愚弄我的小孩了
她是個過於相信這種
瘋狂幻想的善良女孩
讓我把事情搞清楚
你不認為一個人有這樣的特質 是很棒的事嗎?
如果會害她將來失望就不是好事
人生不容易 身為她父親,我必須保護她
你懂嗎?
懂
我知道你聖誕節需要收到一隻小狗
- 沒錯 - 小狗?
我聖誕節不想收到小狗
你很想,因為小狗很有愛心
又柔軟,生氣的時候 牠們會用愛推倒憤怒之牆
愛就像是推土機...
「推土機」這個名字超適合小狗的!
- 對啊! - 我聖誕節不想收到
叫做推土機的小狗!
- 爸,我希望你養一隻小狗 - 小夏,拜託,我不...
- 尼克! - 快來
- 尼克!
等一下,尼克,尼克!
聽著,我知道在你的世界 你不喜歡直話直說
但是跟蹤我們的是誰?
我不知道,真的不知道
但我知道全世界有20億個小孩
今晚在等我去送聖誕禮物
好吧,隨便,但我們需要叫一臺優步
好嗎?也許我的手機又能用...
我把它裝飾了一下,不客氣
什麼時候弄的?
我在我們被壞人追的時候 在計程車上變的
不許再把我的任何東西 弄得金光閃閃,否則你等著瞧
聽到了嗎?
聖尼克!你好!
- 尼克,你要去哪? - 我們的車來了
爸,我們的車來了!
什麼車,你們在...
等一下!
你們在做什麼?
這些人要帶我們去安全的地方 我們所有人都坐得下
- 夏洛特,來吧 - 等一下
我們沒有要搭陌生人的小貨車
艾迪,他們不是陌生人
我很清楚他們是誰
看吧,爸,他知道他們是誰
來吧,艾迪,沒有時間了
我們得快點離開
來吧,快上車
別跑
真的是你嗎?
是的,活生生的我
- 美夢成真了 - 真是不可思議
- 而且他在我們的小貨車上 - 那雙靴子是哪裡買的?
- 真是難以置信! - 聖誕老人
- 就是說啊! - 不好意思
可以載我們去亞特蘭大警察局嗎?
- 青年大道一零四五號 - 絕對不行
我們是特拉可一家 我是桑妮亞,她是凱莉
他是狄亞哥,開車的是馬汀
聖誕大快樂,聖誕老先生
的確是大快樂,我告訴你們
我很高興認識你們
什麼?我以為你認識他們
我知道他們是誰,他們是我的粉絲
- 最忠實的粉絲 - 頭號粉絲
- 最最忠實的 - 超級粉絲!
太棒了!
- 特拉可家族,說「口」 - 口!
- 說「可」 - 可!
就是這個律動感 拼起來重複說三次,變成什麼?
- 呵呵呵! - 呵呵呵!
- 我們慶祝聖誕! - 我們慶祝聖誕!
我的天啊,好的
- 親愛的,拜託 - 聖誕大快樂
- 請保護我們的安全 - 我們今晚不會撞車的
載著貴重貨物可不能撞車
還有孩子們
好的,你們慶祝聖誕 但你們做什麼工作?
你們靠什麼謀生?
- 我們是聖誕老人搜尋者 - 聖誕老人搜尋者?
- 我們專門搜尋聖誕老人 - 等等
你們這裡有好多設備
- 你們就是這樣找到我的嗎? - 對
- 這些都是我做的 - 我們家凱莉
是電腦奇才
凱莉每年聖誕節 都會駭進北美防空司令部
這樣我們就能自己追蹤
我們發現聖誕老人剛才離我們所在處
衹有幾個街區
我們剛才在湯米湯湯通宵希臘餐廳
- 吃傳統聖誕菠菜煎派 - 是菠菜鹹派,親愛的
湯米湯湯!
在榆樹街上,沒錯,湯米在聖誕節
想要收到烤肉切片機和垂直烤肉架
因為舊的差不多壞了
- 還會變得很燙 - 那是聖誕老人標誌
- 看到它跟我們一起移動了嗎? - 好酷喔!
不好意思,有人有手機嗎? 拜託,我需要打給警方
- 我的手機... - 它發生了什麼事?
他對它做了好事
是我做的
- 好美 - 真令人驚奇
請不要鼓舞他
現在是播放終於找到
聖誕老人時的歌曲的最佳時機 Spotify播放清單!
- 太棒了! - 不,沒有那個必要
- 你們不需要為我們這麼做 - 開始播吧!
不,別那麼做,沒有必要
告訴我們一些沒人知道的馴鹿趣事吧
聽好了,這是鮮為人知的 聖誕老人趣味知識四
- 拜託一下 - 我們都知道馴鹿喜歡飛翔
但牠們也有其他技能 例如牠們很會包裝禮物
牠們會從頭開始做義大利麵
事實上,牠們超會做燉牛肉
肉跟骨頭直接分家!
不過我要告訴你們 牠們最擅長的是什麼
那就是保護聖誕老人
沒錯
牠們都有超多的特殊技能
如果招惹聖誕老人 就等於招惹了馴鹿
- 真的嗎?好酷 - 還有一點
牠們不喜歡聖誕音樂
- 怎麼可能 - 事實上
牠們最喜歡的歌曲是《洛基》主題曲
- 誰不喜歡呢? - 太荒謬了
是真的,我的站到了
不會又來了吧,這個人是怎麼回事?
斑鳩飛出籠子了
鷓鴣離開梨樹了
我問一下,我們問的那些問題
- 冒犯到聖尼古拉了嗎? - 小夏,走吧
聽著,我已經說過了 他不是聖尼古拉,好嗎?
- 他當然是 - 他當然是
- 兄弟,我載你去青年大道一零四五號 - 不用
- 沒關係,繼續慶祝聖誕吧 - 別用力關門
你被列到頑皮名單上了
真不敢相信他就這樣跳下車
爸,我們不去找尼克嗎?
不了,也許妳說的對
也許我們就放他走吧
如果他想徹夜扮演聖誕老人 那就隨他去吧
他又沒傷害到任何人
那你說你工作「最重要的職責
就是絕對不讓感到悲傷又孤獨的人
繼續感到悲傷又孤獨」 這句話算什麼?
那妳說他是「最快樂的人」 這句話又算什麼?
- 記得嗎? - 我衹是覺得不論他是不是聖誕老人
他可能需要我們的幫忙
爸,來吧!
尼克
- 發生什麼事了? - 我認出了這個住宅區
我心想,「等一下 我在這裡有一些夥伴」
所以我想我們就進去,你打給警方
- 我去拿點補給品 - 是誰啊?
- 是我,金屬箔老大 - 天啊,是尼克嗎?
爸,走嘛,我們不能就進去
打電話尋求他需要的幫助嗎?
你的這些夥伴最好別製造麻煩
拜託,我的夥伴不會製造麻煩
- 他們是製造玩具的 - 爸,走嘛!
他說他們是做玩具的
好,艾迪,聽著,我懂 你不相信我就是聖誕老人
無所謂
但我要給你看看 會讓你徹底改變想法的東西
跟我來
(一八二五年成立於世界各地)
嘿,尼克!
聖尼克到了
怎麼樣啊?現在是聖誕節
一年當中最神奇的時刻,艾迪
我懂,你抱持懷疑態度 你什麼都不相信
但我一生中遇過許多抱懷疑態度的人
我一讓他們參觀這充滿玩具的工廠
他們就都相信了,你來看
當你看到那些玩具,你會大為驚奇
尼克,那些玩具呢?
對啊,尼克,那些玩具呢?
對,玩具
我跟你們說 應該是小精靈,他們把玩具運走了
因為澳洲現在已經是聖誕節早晨了
或者是聖誕節下午
也許是聖誕節傍晚,我不太會算時區
你們會覺得我應該要會 但我超不會算
這樣吧,傑洛德和露西兒會說明一切
我們去裡面見見工作人員吧
他來了,我的兄弟
抱歉,隊長,我們提早完工了 所以開始狂歡
果然是這樣,難怪沒看到玩具
尼克,你好,這位小可愛是誰呀?
這位小朋友是夏洛特 這位是她父親艾迪
艾迪不相信聖誕老人
是喔?真恐聖
- 你說什麼? - 恐聖,對聖誕老人的恐懼
我再問一遍
- 這裡是什麼地方? - 聽好了,艾迪
在超過160個國家中有20億個家庭
慶祝聖誕節
所以呢?
在每一戶人家 平均有1.8個小孩的情況下
尼克要送禮物給多到數不清的小孩
- 多到數不清? - 很瘋狂吧?
的確,瘋狂的不衹這件事
我沒辦法在北北製造那麼多玩具
- 所以要外包給別人 - 沒錯
每個城市都有衛星操作中心
- 抱歉,你剛才說「北北」嗎? - 對,就是北極
露西兒,拜託告訴我妳這裡有餅乾
我剛才測量...發現我的血糖很低
所以我需要餅乾
我這裡有沒有餅乾?當然有!
- 太好了! - 請到廚房享用餅乾
爸,餅乾耶!
傑洛德、露西兒 你們今年聖誕節又更上一層樓了
看看這些聖誕餅乾!
滿桌的美味
我應該衹能吃兩塊餅乾 但我今天可能會偷偷多吃
如果偷偷多吃了 就得打給體重管理教練帕努斯醫師
牠是一隻旅鼠,假如聽到壞消息...
- 牠可能會跳下懸崖? - 沒錯
夏洛特,妳看這些餅乾多美
想不想大啖餅乾?
- 爸,我可以大啖餅乾嗎? - 不行
- 那又是什麼意思? - 就在等你問
就是先拿一塊剛出爐的餅乾
再像這樣把它放到嘴邊,然後...
大啖餅乾
不過就是吃餅乾,我不懂...
我問一下,這裡有沒有電話 可以借我用?
就在那邊
妳大概沒看過這種電話
(不明號碼來電)
- 喂? - 愛麗,是我
你好,你們在哪?
我們在哪?
你應該在八點半前送她回家的
聽我說,我們很快就回 家了衹是有點拖延
拖延?
沒有...我們很快就回家了
- 你們在哪? - 市中心
在這個時間?你們去市中心做什麼? 夏洛特呢?
她就在我身邊,是工作的事
天啊,你今天晚上還去找工作來做
- 不,不是那樣的 - 艾迪,不過就一晚
我可以理解你可能會讓我失望
- 但讓夏洛特失望就不對了 - 讓她失望?
她正在享受人生中最快樂的時光 等一下,我讓妳跟她說話
跟妳媽媽說妳很好、很安全也不失望
- 跟她說 - 喂?媽
- 寶貝,妳好嗎? - 我們跟聖誕老人在一起
他有一個企鵝醫生 他流的汗還會發光
還有其他人,露西兒和傑洛德
- 他們不是小精靈... - 好的
好,請妳爸爸回來聽電話
- 我就說一切都很好 - 快帶我的孩子回家
- 我會的 - 還有
薄荷馬丁尼的事就算了
好,我知道了
問題在於發報機的電路裡 有一些白蘭地水果蛋糕屑
不過嚴格說來,我沒看到什麼問題
對了,你怎麼會跟這傢伙廝混?
今晚...今晚一開始就像平常一樣
我正要去送禮物給所有外出者
去所有不在家的人家裡
哈夫一家應該要在佛州的西棕櫚灘
我是那麼以為
這是你們收錢對像的名單
我並不知道我即將打斷 一個狡詐的議員
有人賄賂他,要他關閉月光慈善機構
密碼是4273
是我的姓,哈夫
其中一站是你今早
去主持點燭光儀式的遊民收容所
沒錯,月光慈善機構
馬提普列薩先生會付錢給我 讓他得到那塊地
可是他要遊民收容所做什麼?
他會把它拆掉,再蓋一間輪胎行
我能說什麼?我是壞人
對,這個人是個大壞蛋
總之,我一如往常 在外出者家裡放我的音樂
你好?
不好意思?
你看得到我?
對
你在這裡做什麼?
我在這裡做...這是我家
這是你家?
我跟你們說
我是汽油公司的人
打扮成聖誕老人?
因為我們在...重塑品牌
我們想要更友善家庭
我們決定按照季節打扮
復活節的時候,我就是復活節兔
萬聖節的時候,我就是古典的德古拉
有美人尖和尖牙的那個
重點全在於成長中的兒童 因為他們是未來要付賬的人
因為如此,孩子們就是未來!
好了,夠了
太好了
- 希望你和你朋友喜歡花椰菜 - 抓住他!
從那之後,那些傻子就一直在追我
天啊,實在太扯了
你讓我和我女兒度過這糟糕的夜晚
衹因為你盜竊失敗了?
艾迪,聽著,那並不是盜竊失敗
我這一整晚一直以為你真的需要幫忙
我以為你真的有問題
原來你衹是一般的騙子!
好的,別激動,老兄
- 他不是那個意思 - 我當然是那個意思
就是那些人,對吧? 想把我們輾過去的那些人
整晚追著我們的那些人
- 那些是你想搶劫的對像嗎? - 他沒搶劫任何人
閉嘴,威利旺卡
別這樣...冷靜點
聽著,那完全不是我的作風,好嗎?
我是付出者,不是收受者
這一整晚的所有把戲、所有的花招
都結束了!寶貝,我們走
你該不會要把一切都帶走吧?
一切都要帶走,連餅乾也要
- 不要! - 要
太好了!
太好了!這正是我需要的
- 今晚還沒結束 - 都修好了
謝謝你
鮑比,這一整晚真是瘋了
這根本是一場噩夢!
對,好,要地址嗎?
- 爸,別這麼做 - 夏洛特,拜託妳
- 不要 - 30316喬治亞州
亞特蘭大佩里街259號
好了,各位,剛才玩得很開心
但是我要關閉馬戲團了
我會替大家尋得需要的幫助
這表示女士們,別再跳舞了 紅磨坊關門了
要不要來點聖誕頌歌焦糖甜點?
- 尼克呢? - 他們在屋頂上找馴鹿
傑洛德正要送尼克出去 因為他今晚必須去送禮物
他請我把這個拿給你
傑洛德,謝謝你所做的一切 尤其是餅乾
我很快就不打擾你了,好嗎?
尼克,我樂意為你做任何事 你知道的
- 希望這個東西能用 - 應該沒問題
傑洛德,我跟你說 我知道它為什麼不能用了
因為艾迪不相信
尼克!
歡樂時光結束了,沒了
你必須終止這場荒唐的表演
- 你真的不相信聖誕老人 - 夠了,拜託別再說這些
- 你還是個思想守舊的人 - 老兄,你有傳真機
- 還有轉盤式公用電話 - 好,各位
我們友善配合一下
有一堆人明天醒來會發現
聖誕節被取消了
- 那就是你造成的 - 那就這樣吧
知道為什麼嗎? 因為我其實更喜歡感恩節
先生,我們走
- 我們現在該怎麼辦? - 臨時發揮
我請所有單位搜尋那臺休旅車了
但是沒有車牌號碼會很難找
如果你能把他拘留到 亞特蘭大警察局正式起訴他
讓我能送夏洛特回她媽媽家 我會非常感激
我想你應該不用等
在你打來約十分鐘後 我們接到一通電話
艾迪,這兩位是菲納警探和史壯警探
- 幸會 - 他們來自迪卡爾布郡分局
結果你的犯人 和許多私闖民宅的案件有關
該是羅恩接受懲罰的時候了
- 羅恩? - 羅恩坎貝爾
又名煙囪小偷
- 他有什麼個人物品嗎? - 衹有這個
那是什麼?
馴鹿按鈕
- 艾迪,怎麼回事? - 是這一回事
你不是聖誕老人
你是羅恩坎貝爾
來自亞特蘭大的竊賊
- 但你本來就知道吧? - 我有一大堆別名
但是不包含這一個
有時候我以維多梵維奇為名 還有弗萊迪考格爾
麥倫坎普,很貼切 或是我最近最喜歡的
聖誕小寶貝
你看,所有的饒舌歌手 藝名裡都有「小」和「寶貝」
我也想試看看
請不要把事情搞得更複雜
艾迪,聽我說
這些人並不是警探
夠了,尼克
下一次編個好一點的故事吧
因為企鵝醫生
和喜歡聽電影主題曲打鬥的馴鹿 是不存在的
衹有誠實和不誠實的人
你知道你是哪一種吧?
你真的不相信
尼克,你要去哪?
老實說,我完全不知道
好好照顧妳爸爸,好嗎,夏洛特?
再會
小鮑比卡拉塔
今年聖誕節不給你玩具火車了
我已經給了你35盒
去玩舊的吧
你沒得玩「噗噗」了!
不知道他在說些什麼
爸,別讓他們把尼克帶走
夏洛特,他不誠實
一整晚都在騙我們
知道嗎?他不是聖誕老人
我想吃個零食,我有點餓
我們可以停下來嗎? 這樣我就能買個餅乾什麼的
在哪裡?
- 那臺平板 - 我就知道!
我就知道你們是壞人
我感覺得到
告訴你們,我應該要知道的 這是我工作的一部份
- 要知道誰頑皮、誰乖... - 閉嘴!
平板在哪裡?
我通常會把平板收在我的隱藏式口袋
不過你猜怎麼著,它不在裡面
我們替你們做工作,不客氣
- 拿到了嗎? - 沒有
需要「說服」他一下 哈夫在市長的聖誕派對上
那裡見
艾迪
我在你犯人的牢房裡找到這個
他被問話的時候身上沒有這個
他把東西不知道怎樣變不見的時候 會拿著這個東西
我搞不懂他是怎麼變的
- 可以幫我叫一臺優步嗎? - 好,沒問題
- 我欠你一次 - 對
(哈夫州議員祝你們聖誕快樂)
哈夫,H、A、R、F
沒想到這麼容易
天啊
怎麼了?
妳能相信他們就是靠這個 追蹤我們的嗎?
- 靠這臺iPad? - 對,小夏,他們是很壞的人
做了很壞的事
有沒有人聞到肉桂味?
去試探一下,如果...
失陪了,各位
我的天啊,他還想關閉月光慈善機構
聖誕樹就像一雙
- 溫暖、張開的手 - 妳能相信嗎?
他站在機構外慷慨激昂地說著
要對那個地方做的善事
爸,你看 那兩個就是把尼克帶走的人
我們必須幫他
爸,他也許不是我們想像中的那個人
- 但他不是壞人 - 好
我會打給我在警察局的朋友鮑比 讓他知道,好嗎?
我得想辦法讓這支手機恢復原樣
- 那是什麼? - 還記得吧?露西兒拿給我的
她說是尼克要給我的,我看看
「親愛的聖誕老人 我今年不想要玩具
我希望我爸媽不要常常吵架
也不要離婚
他們叫做提奥和布蘭妲蓋瑞克
我有一個點子
我爸想要一支折疊釣竿
他很喜歡釣魚
他會抓鱸魚、鱒魚和鰣魚
如果你能送他釣竿 讓他以為是我媽送的
那就皆大歡喜了
謝啦,聖誕節前夕旅途平安
- 你的朋友... - 你的朋友艾迪蓋瑞克敬上
艾迪蓋瑞克敬上」
我們確實必須幫他
- 真的嗎? - 真的
- 可是我們不知道怎麼找到他 - 你看!
(湯米湯湯通宵希臘餐廳)
- 說「口」,說「可」... - 妳是我認識最聰明的女生
來,如果妳不想得到負評的話 計畫改變了
這是新地址
(湯米湯湯通宵希臘餐廳)
老弟,你的雞肉都還沒動過
寶貝,別失望
我懂,聖誕老人 從我們的車子後方跳下去
不過至少我們見到他了
他也知道我們是誰
- 他知道你是誰 - 要記住這一點
- 我們是搖滾明星 - 我們需要你們的幫忙
- 你們好啊 - 發生什麼事了?
- 是你啊 - 你們要我們幫什麼忙?
- 找尼克 - 好的
這東西真討厭!
我跟你說幾遍了?說幾遍了?
我們需要一臺新的機器
我這樣沒辦法工作
他現在在哪?
他就在這!
- 就在哪? - 住宅區
- 住宅區的哪? - 看起來像是市長官邸
- 那就是我們必須去的地方 - 去做什麼?
去救聖誕老人!
我就知道
有人想慶祝聖誕
不是...
好,我們快走吧
- 我們是做什麼的? - 我們慶祝聖誕!
哇,那是雪嗎?
這裡已經大概卅年 沒在聖誕節前夕下雪了
不是大概,是剛好卅年
- 他現在在哪? - 就在官邸外
- 親愛的,你還好嗎? - 我可是做了兩個月的混合健身
好的
- 小心 - 我可以的
爸,我想跟你一起去
絕對不行,妳留在這 你們看好她,好嗎?
艾迪,別忘了這個
好
艾迪!
- 慶祝聖誕 - 慶祝聖誕
好
我在想,你們帶我來這裡
是為了取得頑皮寶寶 和乖寶寶名單,當然
你們要的不是那個 因為你們已經有了
名單用完後,請還給我
這樣我才能完成今晚的禮物發送
喂?
讓我看看他
我的平板呢?
我跟你的夥伴說過了 我不知道你指的是什麼
你剛才在我家裡找它
- 你替誰做事? - 這個問題已經討論好幾世代了
有些人認為我替大自然之母做事
或替時間老人做事
最近大家都認為我替碧昂絲做事
但並不是,每個已婚男子都懂
我替聖誕老婆婆做事
聖誕老婆婆掌管一切,她叫我做什麼
我就做什麼
我一離開這場活動
你和我就得來好好談談
不騙你,那對你來說會很痛苦
- 瑪莉? - 是,長官
我們在那個東西旁邊的地方見
我們會從他嘴裡問出情報
收到,老大
我們把事情完成吧
老大應該說清楚 「那個東西旁邊的地方」是什麼
- 對,因為我不知道那是哪裡 - 老大,什麼事?
他去哪裡了?他去哪裡了?
尼克!
艾迪,你好嗎?
那裡面發生什麼事了?
我想他們聽太多聖誕歌曲了
好像越來越沒效了,我們快離開
聖誕老人
抓住他!
市長女士
多麼美好的派對啊!
非常謝謝你的光臨,你真好心
- 你想說什麼? - 你來這裡做什麼?
- 我來找你 -「你來找我」是什麼意思?
- 特拉可一家追蹤我到這裡的嗎? - 對,沒錯
我跟你說,我好喜歡那家人
我還有一件事要告訴你,但是...
我們離開這裡吧,我待會再告訴你
他們沒辦法防守他
我又是吵鬧的足球媽媽
對不起,市長女士,失陪一下
他們逃走了
那些壞人想要我的 頑皮寶寶和乖寶寶名單
- 馬卡龍耶 - 對,我知道
哈夫是眾議院撥款委員會的議員
他一直以來都在收賄,基本上
他把那當成他自己的私人撲滿
你說了很多個字
來,來
你拿走的那臺平板
裡面有他今晚 所有打算收錢的對像名單
你能相信嗎?
站住!
老大,你看起來很累
我的平板呢?
我說過了,我不知道
聽著,聖誕老人 毀了美國所有小孩的聖誕節
- 我是不會有罪惡感的 - 不好意思
他以為我衹負責當地事務,不...
我負責的是全球事務
好
- 那你呢? - 我怎麼了?
你跟這些事有什麼關聯?
我衹不過是聖誕老人的幫手而已
艾迪,你剛才...
- 你剛才大聲說了嗎? - 別這樣
你是「聖誕老人的幫手」
- 艾迪,真的是好不容易 - 別這樣
你們都聽到了!
他說他是聖誕老人的幫手
- 好了 - 這就是合作關係
好,好了
好,別太誇張
- 冷靜 - 這是怎麼一回事?
這兩個人怎麼有可能搶劫我們
智勝我們、跑得比我們快?
這兩個人!
老兄,你才不是聖誕老人
還有你,你才不是你自以為的那個人
幹嘛嗆我?我又沒做什麼
把他們帶去那個地方,並使用我們
在Google上學來的所有手段
把那些咬死不說的人嘴巴撬開
沒錯,康拉德哈夫
你九歲的時候想要一隻亞瑟忍者玩偶
擺著功夫握姿勢的那種...沒錯,沒錯
- 沒錯 - 我不知道你在說些...
- 什麼 - 玩偶背上有小按鈕
這樣按下去 它的腳和手臂就會舉起來
右腳和左手會一起動 就像在打空手道
但你想要那個玩偶 那一年有困難,我們沒辦法給你
因為薑餅人決定要罷工
我知道你非常想要那隻玩偶 很抱歉沒能給你
但這一切都說得通了 這也許是你現在主導這個
奇怪的原創反派故事的原因
閉嘴!
你們給我好好處理
在我這裡
拿來
非常好
- 好了 - 艾迪,你必須相信
- 衹要相信,神奇的事就會發生 - 我們該拿這兩個人
怎麼辦?
- 那是什麼? - 鮮為人知的聖誕老人趣味知識四
馴鹿的技能不衹有飛翔
牠們很會包裝禮物 從頭開始做義大利麵
還有保護聖誕老人 不受任何招惹他的人傷害
艾迪,張開眼睛
真是的,牠們今晚都去哪了?
牠們一直在天上盤旋,等著你
等你相信
把燈關掉!
拜託不要!
- 我要在這上面吊多久? - 你活該
媽咪!
- 有看到馴鹿嗎? - 有!
想不想去摸摸牠們?
你好!
你真是毛茸茸的
做得好
我好想念妳們,做得好,女士們
好
尼克
你忘了帶這個
可不能忘了它,謝謝
對了
你一直在想辦法讓我相信你
我要你知道
要不是你先相信我,我也不會相信你
艾迪,我很想說這是我的功勞 但是...
重點不在於我是否相信你
你知道是誰真心相信 你能做到這一切嗎?
那邊那位了不起的小女孩
可以笑一個給我看嗎?
你好!
牠們是你兄弟姊妹嗎?還是...
艾迪,聽我說,我衹想要幫助你 重新開始相信
像你從前那樣
當八歲的艾迪
認為釣竿能解決他所有問題的那時候
尼克,事情並沒有那麼糟
事情真的沒有那麼糟
免得我忘記
可以代我把這個拿給哈夫嗎?
- 沒問題 - 跟他說是聖誕老人送的
尼克再見!
市長女士,妳今年真的 使出了渾身解數
他在移動中!
我爸按下了馴鹿按鈕
就把馴鹿叫來了
妳記下來了嗎?我該從頭講嗎?
所有和狡詐的議員以及他的三個走狗
有關的資料都在這裡面
哈夫,在你離開之前...
- 他要送你這個 - 這是什麼?
你得打開看才知道
不會吧...
不會吧,亞瑟忍者,亞瑟忍者!
我現在是乖寶寶了!
好...
- 把他帶上車 - 警官,是亞瑟忍者耶!
亞瑟忍者
也許他真的是聖誕老人
我一直這樣告訴你們
他的魔法,還有他如何⋯
冷靜一下!
你們現在才相信聖誕老人 是不是有點太老了?
我才卌二歲
(囚犯運送車,勿近)
喂?尼克!還好嗎?
沒問題,兄弟
恢復正常了,各位,恢復了!
聖誕快樂!
一、二、三...
我們拯救了聖誕節!
好,我們上路吧
該繼續追蹤了
沒事的,爸,你的表現會很棒的
妳還好嗎?
- 我很好,我們度過了超美好的夜晚 - 你們去哪了?
我知道妳不會相信我 但我們和聖誕老人在一起
艾迪,我跟你說 現在不是惹我生氣的時候
不,寶貝,是真的 我們剛才和聖誕老人在一起
我保證,夏洛特,妳不幫我嗎?
- 幫我作證一下 - 媽,爸說的是實話
- 是真的! - 好,所以你拉攏了
我們八歲的女兒來配合你的鬼把戲
沒有,我絕對不會做那種事
- 我說真的 - 你們和聖誕老人...
聽我說一下
那是什麼聲音?
你們在看什麼?
你在這裡做什麼?
我知道你的故事一定沒有說服力
所以我決定來幫你
對,徹底失敗了
- 你好 - 妳好
你是那個聖誕老人...
對,我就是聖誕老人
好的...
你那琥珀色的鬍子是怎麼回事?
因為中年危機,他把鬍子染色了
你...這一切都令人難以相信
妳知道什麼事令人難以相信嗎?
妳七歲的時候
收到海馬夫婦家庭玩具套組時 臉上的表情
妳收到的時候好興奮
妳竟然以為妳那年不會收到禮物 因為...
我爸失業了
我不記得有告訴過你這件事
妳沒有,我就是這個意思
我一整晚面對的就是這種事
好的,晚安
等一下,先別走開
艾迪有話想對妳說
- 有嗎? - 他知道你在想什麼
我知道你在想什麼,所以你要說出來
- 好 - 說出來
- 對,我有話要說 - 對,沒錯
來,說吧
- 照你的方法說 - 我要說了...
好,給我一點空間
好...
- 愛麗森 - 愛麗森
這樣吧
我去那邊
愛麗森,我想我一直以來都很害怕
從我八歲以來,我一直非常害怕
因為我父母在聖誕節分開了
所以,在夏洛特滿八歲的時候 那些回憶又湧上心頭
我認為,如妳所說,分離會比較保險
但那不是為了保險,我知道
那衹是因為害怕
我現在明白,那些想法完全不合理
尤其是當你有真正相信的人
對我來說,那個人就是妳
還有我美麗的女兒夏洛特
我想我要說的是
妳們兩個就是我的聖誕節
每一天都是
我愛妳們
有你朋友聖誕老人的幫忙 你才想清楚這些事?
他是幫了一點忙,對
我分一點功勞給他
老兄,你要害我落淚了
妳覺得如何?
我剛才說的話?
我覺得...
- 還可以 - 什麼?
我覺得很棒
聖誕老人,你的袋子怎麼在動?
就等妳問,我要給你們一個驚喜
跟推土機打聲招呼吧
不...
你好,推土機
不,我們不需要狗,好嗎?
- 我們需要 - 我們需要一隻狗
假如我卅年前知道情況 我們就能救你爸...
- 你好可愛 - 寶貝,真高興妳同意養狗
夏洛特,妳看
聖誕節魔法
你最厲害了,聖誕老人
你們看這個大個子
我的工作完成了
謝謝你
好了,蓋瑞克一家
祝你們聖誕快樂
- 天啊! - 天啊!
我們有別的客人嗎?
你們好,要不要進來見見推土機?
- 當然好 - 當然好
你看,天啊...
來,女士們 我們今晚還有很多事要忙
還要趕很多進度
聖誕老人再見！