COMEDY CENTRAL
>> LIVE FROM COMEDY CENTRAL'S
WORLD NEWS HEADQUARTERS IN
NEW YORK, "THE DAILY SHOW" WITH
TREVOR NOAH PRESENTS THE
SOUTH CAROLINA DEMOCRATIC
PRIMARY DEBATE.
FINALLY, A STATE WITH BLACK
VOTERS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪
>> Trevor: WELCOME, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TUNING IN!
WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW"!
I'M TREVOR NOAH!
THIS IS "THE DAILY SHOW"!
WE'RE COMING TO YOU LIVE!
100% LIVE!
TAKE A SEAT, LET'S DO THIS
THING!
WE'RE COMPLETELY LIVE PEOPLE, I
CAN PROVE THAT WE'RE LIVE.
THINK OF A NUMBER.
I'M THINKING TO HAVE THE SAME
ONE.
( LAUGHTER )
ALL RIGHT, THE SOUTH CAROLINA
DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
HAS JUST WRAPPED UP AND, GUYS,
IT WAS A LITTLE CRAZY.
>> TOM, I THINK SHE WAS TALKING
ABOUT MY PLAN, NOT YOURS.
>> I THINK WE WERE TALKING ABOUT
MATH AND IT DOESN'T TAKE TWO
HOURS TO DO THE MATH.
>> LET'S TALK ABOUT MATH.
YOU WROTE THE CRIME BILL.
WHERE WE COME FROM THAT'S
CALLED JOHNNY COME LATELY.
>> YOU DIDN'T WRITE THAT BILL.
I WROTE THE BILL.
OKAY, YOU DID.
TOOK OUT TO HAVE THE HANDS
OF --
>> LOOK AT A FACT CHECK.
ET'S LOOK AT THE FACT CHECK.
( TALKING AT THE SAME TIME )
>> SENATOR SANDERS, A QUICK
RESPONSE.
>> I'M NOT OUT OF TIME!
HE SPOKE OVERTIME AND I'M GOING
TO TALK!
>> Trevor: DAMN!
IT WAS WILD TONIGHT.
I HAVEN'T SEEN WHITE PEOPLE GO
AT EACH OTHER THAT HARD SINCE
KHAKIS WERE ON SALE AT BANANA
REPUBLIC.
IT'S NOT SURPRISING THE DEBATE
GOT THAT HOT BECAUSE THE STAKES
COULD NOT BE HIGHER, PEOPLE.
THIS DEBATE IS THE LAST ONE
BEFORE THE SOUTH CAROLINA
PRIMARY THIS WEEKEND AND,
REMEMBER, A FEW DAYS AFTER THAT
IS SUPER TUESDAY.
THAT'S WHEN 15 STATES ALL HOLD
THEIR PRIMARIES AT THE SAME
TIME.
AND THEY DO IT AT THE SAME TIME
BECAUSE THEY GOT A DEAL ON
GROUPON.
( LAUGHTER )
SO EVERY CANDIDATE TONIGHT
NEEDED TO DO WELL.
BUT THERE WAS ONE CANDIDATE WHO
NEEDED IT MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE.
FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR AND THE
ONLY CANDIDATE NOT ALLOWED TO
RIDE A ROLLERCOASTER MICHAEL
BLOOMBERG.
>> THE DEBATE WAS A DISASTER FOR
BLOOMBERG.
>> MICHAEL BLOOMBERG, WHO HAD A
PRETTY HORRIBLE FIRST DEBATE, I
THINK THAT'S A FAIR STATEMENT,
RIGHT?
>> BLOOMBERG WAS AWFUL.
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG FELL FLAT
ON HIS DEBATE.
>> IF YOU'RE MICHAEL BLOOMBERG,
YOU WERE SO BAD AT THAT FIRST
DEBATE, IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW
MUCH MONEY YOU'RE SPENDING.
>> HE GOT HAMMERED IN FRONT OF
20 MILLION VIEWERS.
>> Trevor: YES, MICHAEL
BLOOMBERG WAS SO BAD AT THE
FIRST DEBATE HE GOT SLAMMED BY
EVERYONE.
CNN, NBC, FOX, EVEN "THE
BACHELOR."
LAST NIGHT, PETE TOLD MAD WHERE-
TOLD MADDY I KNOW I MESSED UP
BUT NOT AS MUCH AS MICHAEL
BLOOMBERG AT THE THE LAST
DEBATE.
SO BLOOMBERG WAS PRAYING FOR AN
EASIER DEBATE BUT DOESN'T SEEM
LIKE IT WORKED.
RIGHT FROM THE START HE WAS ON
THE BACK FOOT.
>> SENATOR SASHEDZ, WE HAVEN'T
HAD A NATIONAL UNEMPLOYMENT RATE
THIS LOW FOR THIS LONG IN 50
YEARS.
HERE IN SOUTH CAROLINA, THE
UNEMPLOYMENT RATE IS EVEN LOWER.
HOW WILL YOU CONVINCE VOTERS
THAT A DEMOCRATIC SOCIALIST CAN
DO BETTER THAN PRESIDENT TRUMP
WITH THE ECONOMY?
>> WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, THE
ECONOMY IS DOING REALLY GREAT
FOR PEOPLE LIKE MR. BLOOMBERG
AND OTHER BILLIONAIRES.
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Trevor: OH!
I FEEL BAD FOR BLOOMBERG.
THE QUESTION WASN'T EVEN ABOUT
HIM.
( LAUGHTER )
HE'S JUST MINDING HIS BUSINESS
OVER THERE, AND OUT OF NOWHERE,
LIKE HE MUST BE THE FIRST
BILLIONAIRE IN HISTORY TO GET
HIT IN A DRIVE BY.
THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED.
( LAUGHTER )
AND BERNIE DIDN'T GIVE HIM A
CHANCE.
RIGHT, HE DOESN'T MESS AROUND.
IF BERNIE WAS A BOXER, HE WOULD
HIT YOU IN THE LOCKER ROOM
BEFORE THE FIGHT.
COME IN, IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
EITHER WAY, I'LL SEE YOU OUT
THERE!
BOOM!
COME ON!
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, IF BERNIE SANDERS WAS THE
ASS-WHOOPING APPETIZER,
ELIZABETH WARREN BROUGHT THE
MAIN COURSE.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO BE
INTERESTING LATER THIS WEEK IS
DONALD TRUMP.
HE'S GOING TO BE HERE TO RAISE
MONEY FOR HIS BUDDIES SENATOR
LINDSEY GRAHAM.
WHO FUNDED LINDSEY GRAHAM'S
CAMPAIGN FOR REELECTION LAST
TIME?
IT WAS MAYOR BLOOMBERG.
HE DUMPED $12 MILLION INTO THE
PENNSYLVANIA SENATE RACE TO HELP
REELECT AN ANTI-CHOICE RIGHT
WING REPUBLICAN SENATOR IN 2012,
HE SCOOPED IN TO TRY TO DEFEND
ANOTHER REPUBLICAN SENATOR
AGAINST A WOMAN CHALLENGER, THAT
WAS ME.
IT DIDN'T WORK, BUT HE TRIED
HARD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Trevor: OH!
OH, GODDAM IT, I CAN'T WATCH,
BUT I GOTTA WATCH!
( LAUGHTER )
MAN, WHEN IT COMES TO BLOOMBERG,
ELIZABETH WARREN IS RELENTLESS,
SHE DESTROYED HIM IN THE FIRST
DEBATE, SHE CAME AFTER HIM
TONIGHT.
I BET WHEN HE GOT IN HIS CAR SHE
POPPED UP IN THE BACK SEAT LIKE,
OH, AND ANOTHER THING --
( LAUGHTER )
SO BERNIE KICKED OFF THE DEBATE
BY ATTACKING BLOOMBERG AND HIS
FELLOW BIG NARES.
THEN SENATOR WARREN SLAMMED
BLOOMBERG FOR BANKROLLING
REPUBLICANS.
AND IF BLOOMBERG WAS WORRIED HE
WAS COMING ACROSS AS A CORRUPT
BILLIONAIRE, IT REALLY DIDN'T
HELP HIM WHEN HE MADE A REALLY
BAD SLIP OF THE TONGUE.
>> LET'S JUST GO ON THE RECORD.
THEY TALK ABOUT 40 DEMOCRATS, 21
OF THOSE WITH PEOPLE THAT I
SPENT $100 MILLION TO HELP
ELECT.
ALL OF THE NEW DEMOCRATS THAT
CAME IN, PUT NANCY PELOSI IN
CHARGE AND GAVE THE CONGRESS THE
ABILITY TO CONTROL THIS
PRESIDENT, I GOT THEM.
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Trevor: THAT'S
EMBARRASSING.
IT'S NOT A GOOD LOOK.
THERE ARE A TON OF DEMOCRATIC
CANDIDATES I BOUGHT, I OWN, I
MEAN, I BRIBED -- THAT'S POOR
PEOPLE'S WORDS -- THAT I
SUPPORTED, THAT I SUPPORTED.
( APPLAUSE )
SO BLOOMBERG DIDN'T DO LIMBSELF
ANY FAVORS WITH THAT ANSWER AND,
FOR TWO REASONS, ONE, MONEY AND
POLITICS IS ONE OF THE THINGS
THAT MOST PEOPLE ARE ANGRY ABOUT
IN THIS COUNTRY AND, SECONDLY,
YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BRAG
ABOUT BUYING PEOPLE IN
SOUTH CAROLINA.
SO IT LOOKS LIKE BLOOMBERG IS
GOING TO KEEP REMINDING US EVERY
SING DEL BAIT HOW MUCH MONEY
HE'S ABLE TO SPEND, AND I GUESS
PETE BUTTIGIEG'S STRATEGY IS TO
KEEP REMINDING US THAT HE WOULD
LIKE SOME MONEY TO SPEND.
>> GRASSROOTS CONTRIBUTIONS ARE
THE LIFEBLOOD OF MY CAMPAIGN.
IN FACT, I SHOULDN'T MISS THE
OPPORTUNITY.
IF YOU'RE WATCHING NOW AND YOU
SUPPORT MY CAMPAIGN, GO TO PETE
FOR AMERICA.com AND CHIP IN,
AND IF YOU'RE WATCHING RIGHT NOW
AND YOU'RE A BILLIONAIRE, I WILL
RAISE YOUR TAXES.
BUT, IF YOU'D LIKE TO DEFEAT
DONALD TRUMP, PLEASE GO TO PETE
FOR AMERICA.com AND DONATE THE
LEGAL MAXIMUM OF $2,800.
>> Trevor: YOU SEE, FOLKS,
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET
A TEENAGER JOIN THE DEBATE.
THEY STOP TALKING ABOUT POLICY
AND THEY ASK YOU TO RAISE THEIR
ALLOWANCE.
AND THEN AFTER THAT, HE ASKED
GAYLE KING TO DROP HIM AT HOME
AFTER THE DEBATE.
PLEASE, MY DAD CANCELED MY UBER
ACCOUNT!
NOW AS WEIRD AS THAT MOMENT MAY
HAVE BEEN, ONE TO HAVE THE
STRANGLES MOMENTS TO HAVE THE
NIGHT EASILY BELONGED TO AMY
KLOBUCHAR.
YOU SEE, IN THE DISCUSSION IN
AND AROUND GUN CONTROL, EVERYONE
WAS TRYING TO POSITION
THEMSELVES AS THE PERSON WHO
COULD GET GUN CONTROL PASSED.
SHE WAS TRYING TO POSITION
HERSELF AS THE ONE DEMOCRAT WHO
WAS FOR LIMITING GUNS BUT
UNDERSTANDS GUN CULTURE THANKS
TO A REALLY SPECIAL FAMILY
MEMBER.
>> WE'VE GOT A WIN IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE COUNTRY.
HAVING SOMEONE THAT CAN LEAD THE
TICKET THAT CAN BRING PEOPLE
WITH HER IS THE WAY YOU GET GUN
SAFETY LEGISLATION.
I LOOK AT THESE --
>> SENATOR KLOBUCHAR.
I SAY DO THEY HURT MY UNCLE
DICK IN THE DEER STAND?
THEY DO NOT.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Trevor: UNCLE DICK IN THE
DEER STAND?
AND WHERE IS AUNT VAGINA?
IN THE BEAVER HUT?
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
I FEEL LIKE EVEN UNCLE DICK WAS
SITTING AT HOME SAYING, I THINK
AT A DEBATE YOU CAN CALL ME
RICHARD.
IT'S A VERY SERIOUS MOMENT.
( LAUGHTER )
I WANT TO SAY, SENATOR
KLOBUCHAR, THAT IS A GREAT
CAMPAIGN SLOGAN, LEAVE THAT DICK
ALONE!
THAT'S 10% OF THE VOTE RIGHT
THERE.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER, THIS
DEBATE WAS IN SOUTH CAROLINA,
RIGHT.
THE FIRST STATE WHERE BLACK
VOTERS HOLD SWAY.
SO ALL THE CANDIDATES MADE SURE
TO SHOW EVERYONE THAT THEY WERE
DOWN WITH THE BROWN.
>> EVERY SINGLE POLICY AREA IN
THE UNITED STATES HAS A GIGANTIC
SUBTEXT OF RACE.
>> WE HAVE A CRIMINAL JUSTICE
SYSTEM TODAY THAT IS NOT ONLY
BROKEN, IT IS RACIST.
>> WE CAN NO LONGER PRETEND THAT
EVERYTHING IS RACE NEW CENTRAL.
>> THERE'S SEVEN WHITE PEOPLE ON
THIS STAGE TALKING ABOUT RACIAL
JUSTICE.
>> I KNOW IF I WERE BLACK MY
SUCCESS WOULD HAVE BEEN A LOT
HARDER TO ACHIEVE.
>> Trevor: YES, THAT'S RIGHT,
THAT'S RIGHT.
IF I WAS BLACK, I WOULDN'T HAVE
GOTTEN THIS FAR BECAUSE MY
POLICE WOULD HAVE SLAMMED ME
AGAINST THE WALL AND FRISKED ME
AND THEN I WOULD HAVE SAID,
WAIT!
IT'S ME!
AND THEY WOULD HAVE SAID, SHUT
UP, BLACKY!
AND THEN THEY'D SEARCH MY
POCKETS AND GO, WHOSE
$60 BILLION IS THIS?
I WOULD BE, LIKE, IT'S MINE FROM
WHEN I WAS WHITE!
WE'VE LADDER THAT BEFORE!
( LAUGHTER )
I'M NOT GOING TO LIE, MAN.
THE DEMOCRATS DID HAVE SOME
INTERESTING IDEAS AROUND RACE.
IT WAS REALLY INTERESTING TO
HEAR THEM TALK ABOUT.
I WISH THEY'D TALK ABOUT IT
MORE.
TOM STEYER TALKED ABOUT FUNDING
BLACK BUSINESS OWNERS WHO HAD
BEEN DISENFRANCHISED.
AMY KLOBUCHAR TALKED ABOUT FAIR
HOUSING, PETE BUTTIGIEG TALKED
ABOUT THE STRUGGLES BLACK PEOPLE
HAVE.
ONCE THE PowerPoint WAS
DONE, THE MAIN EVENT, GOING
AFTER BERNIE SANDERS.
>> CAN AMERICANS TRUST THAT A
D. J. SOCIALIST PRESIDENT WILL
NOT GIVE AUTHORITARIANS A FREE
PASS?
>> I HAVE OPPOSED
AUTHORITARIANISM ALL OVER THE
WORLD.
WHAT I SAID IS WHAT BARACK OBAMA
SAID IN TERMS OF CUBA, THAT CUBA
MADE PROGRESS ON EDUCATION.
>> BARACK OBAMA WAS ABROAD IN A
TOWN MEETING.
HE DID NOT IN ANY WAY SUGGEST
THERE WAS ANYTHING POSITIVE
ABOUT THE CUBEN GOVERNMENT.
>> AUTHORITARIANISM OF ANY
STRIPE IS BAD, BUT THAT IS
DIFFERENT THAN SAYING THAT
GOVERNMENTS OCCASIONALLY DO
THINGS THAT ARE GOOD. AND WHEN
DICTATORSHIPS WHETHER THE
CHINESE OR THE CUBENS DO
SOMETHING GOOD, YOU ACKNOWLEDGE
THAT.
>> Trevor: OKAY, NOW, TO BE
FAIR, I THINK PEOPLE HAVE BEEN A
LITTLE TOO HARD ON BERNIE ON
THIS, RIGHT.
THE FIDEL CASTRO THING,
ESPECIALLY BECAUSE ALL HE'S
SAYING IS SOMETHING BARACK OBAMA
ALLUDED TO, THAT FIDEL CASTRO,
AS BAD AS HE WAS DID SOME GOOD
THINGS, LIKE EDUCATION.
THAT'S IT.
THINK OF IT LIKE THE COUNT FROM
"SESAME STREET," JUST BECAUSE
YOU EXPHEND HIM FOR TEACHING
KIDS MATH DOESN'T MEAN YOU
CONDONE HE SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF
PEOPLE.
ONE, TWO, THREE, THEY'RE
DRIFTERS!
HA, HA, HA!
BUT AT THE SAME TIME, BERNIE,
YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, WHEN PEOPLE
ASK YOU ABOUT CASTRO, THAT'S NOT
THE BEST TIME TO MENTION HIS
RECORD ON EDUCATION.
IT'S BAD TIMING, RIGHT?
IF YOUR WIFE IS YELLING AT YOU
SAYING I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
CHEATED ON ME WITH ALL THOSE
UGLY WOMEN, THAT'S NOT THE TIME
TO SAY SOME OF THEM WERE REALLY
BEAUTIFUL!
THAT'S NOT THE TIME!
( LAUGHTER )
AND I I WAS THAT WASN'T THE ONLY
ATTACK BERNIE HAD TO FACE
BECAUSE, YOU SEE, NOW THAT HE'S
THE FRONTRUNNER, HE HAS EVERYONE
ELSE GUNNING FOR HIM.
>> VLADIMIR PUTIN THINKS THAT
DONALD TRUMP SHOULD BE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES AND THAT'S
WHY RUSSIA IS HELPING YOU GET
ELECTED SO YOU WILL LOSE TO HIM.
>> I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO A
SCENARIO WHERE IT COMES DOWN TO
DONALD TRUMP WITH HIS NOSTALGIA
FOR THE SOCIAL ORDER OF THE
1950s AND BERNIE SANDERS WITH
A NOSTALGIA FOR THE
REVOLUTIONARY POLITICS OF THE
1960s.
>> BERNIE, IN FACT, HASN'T
PASSED MUCH OF ANYTHING.
>> I DO NOT THINK THAT THIS IS
THE BEST PERSON TO LEAD THE
TICKET.
>> I THINK I WOULD MAKE A BETTER
PRESIDENT THAN BERNIE.
>> I'M HEARING MY NAME MENTIONED
A LITTLE BIT TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Trevor: BERNIE'S A LEGEND
MAN, BECAUSE YOUR NAME WASN'T
BEING MENTIONED, PEOPLE WERE
SCREAMINGT IT AT YOU.
FOR HIM, SHOUTING IS SO NORMAL
THAT WHEN PEOPLE SHOUT AT HIM,
HE'S LIKE, WHAT A PLEASANT
CONVERSATION FOR A CHANGE!
I'M SO SICK OF EVERYONE
WHISPERING!
PEOPLE'S NORMAL VOICES ARE LIKE
ASMR TO HIM.
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S NOT SURPRISING THAT THIS
HAPPENED.
ETH NOT SURPRISING ALL THE
MODERATES WENT OFF BERNIE
SANDERS TONIGHT BECAUSE WHAT'S
CLEAR IN THIS CAMPAIGN IS THAT
AS LONG AS SO MANY MODERATES
STAY IN THE RACE, NONE OF THEM
ARE GOING TO OVERTAKE BERNIE
SANDERS, SO THEY'RE GOING AFTER
THEM, BUT THEY'RE SPLITTING THE
VOTE AMONGST THEMSELVES.
THE ONLY WAY ONE OF THEM IS
GOING TO BE ABLE TO BEAT BERNIE
IS IF ALL THE OTHER ONES DROP
OUT.
THE PROBLEM IS NONE OF THEM CAN
SEEM TO AGREE ON WHO THAT PERSON
SHOULD BE.
>> SOME OF THESE CANDIDATES ARE
GOING TO HAVE TO START DROPPING
OW.
PEOPLE LIKE AMY KLOBUCHAR,
PEOPLE LIKE TOM STEYER.
>> THE BUTTIGIEG CAMPAIGN IS
CALLING ON MICHAEL BLOOMBERG TO
DROP OFF A RACE AFTER BLOOMBERG
CAMPAIGN MEMO SUGGEST BIDEN,
BUTTIGIEG AND KLOBUCHAR DROPPED
OUT.
>> I THINK IT WOULD BE
BENEFICIAL IF EVERYBODY ELSE
WOULD DEVELOP OUT AND SUPPORT MY
CAMPAIGN.
>> HOW DO YOU CONVINCE KLOBUCHAR
AND BUTTIGIEG TO GET OUT.
>> IT'S TIME FOR KLOBUCHAR TO
GET OUT OF THE RATES.
>> I HAVE THE THIRD BIGGEST
NUMBER.
WHY WOULD I GET OUT?
>> Trevor: SOMEONE NEEDS TO
LEAVE BUT NO ONE WANTS TO DO IT.
THE HIGH STAKES VERSION OF THE
FIRST TO HANG UP.
YOU DROP OUT FIRST.
NO, YOU DROP OUT FIRST.
LOOK, I SPENT HALF A BILLIONON
IN CAMPAIGN, YOU DROP OUT FIRST!
( LAUGHTER )
AS LONG AS ALL THE MODERATES
DECIDE TO STAY IN THE BRACE,
BERNIE WILL HAVE A PRETTY CLEAR
PATH TO WIN THE NOMINATION AND
SEEMS LIKE BERNIE REALIZES IT
BASED ON HIS NEW CAMPAIGN ADS.
>> I'M BENDERS.
I KNOW THE PUNDITS ARE SAYING
THERE ARE TOO MANY MODERATES IN
THE RAISSMENTS YOU ALL ARE DOING
A GREAT JOB.
AMY KLOBUCHAR, WHY YOU DROP OUT?
YOU CAME IN THIRD.
THAT'S MOMENTUM.
MAYOR PETE, IF ANYONE SEAS YOU
SHOULD DROP OUT, YOU TELL THEM
TO GO TO HELL IN ONE OF THE
SEVEN LANGUAGES YOU SORT OF
SPEAK.
( SPEAKING A FOREIGN LANGUAGE
TERRIBLY )
>> MAYOR BLOOMBERG, SPEND YOUR
MONEY ON ALL THE ADS.
IF TWO THINGS AMERICA LOVES,
IT'S YOU AND WATCHING
COMMERCIALS.
TOM STIRKS QUIT AND STOP CALLING
ME.
IT'S GETTING CREEPY!
I'M BERNIE SANDERS AND I ENDORSE
EVERYONE STAYING IN THIS RACE!
IS THAT ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )