[SMASH MOUTH'S "WALKIN' ON THE SUN" PLAYING]
# It ain't no joke I'd like to... #
[IMITATING BILL CLINTON] Hello.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
# Teach the world to sing In perfect harmony #
# And teach the world To snuff #
# The fires and the liars #
# Hey I know it's just a song #
# But it's spice For the recipe #
# This is a love attack #
Oh, yeah, nice to see you.
# It retracts before impact #
Hey,
that dress needs dry-cleaning.
Here you go. Thank you kindly, Monica.
[SNIFFS]
Monica? Monica?
Oh, shit, Hillary.
[GROANS]
[LAUGHS]
Okay.
Hi, Bill.
Oh, hey, Snow White.
[SNIFFS]
Where is 11-B?
Bingo.
Where did she say that thing was?
[KEYS JINGLING]
Guess it's time for a little action.
[WHISPERING] Monica.
It's Bill.
I got some dictation for you, Monica.
I got a big secret for you, baby.
How did you get up here so soon?
[CHUCKLES]
Monica. Monica. - Hm?
[BOTH SCREAM]
[NORMAL VOICE] Oh, wait, Monica!
Oh, I can't see!
My eyes! My eyes! I can't see!
WOMAN: Who let you in?
[PANTING] Ah!
What happened? Where's Monica? What happened to Monica?
How did you get in here?
She told me where the key was. I can't see.
Did she say it was okay to dry hump her roommate?
She said you'd be in the library because you're a geek.
I am not a geek. Gosh.
Ah!
Oh, my God. What was that, Mace?
Oh...
[BREATHING HEAVILY] Eternity by Calvin Klein.
[GROANS]
Oh, I'm gonna be so careful who I get in bed with from now on.
That'd be a big adjustment for you, wouldn't it?
Ow. God.
Ow!
I do that every time.
I've invented a solution for that. Seriously.
It's something that goes around the coffee cup
so you don't burn your hand.
I'm gonna call it the coffee collar. Brilliant idea.
I know all about you. I know your whole rap.
You do? Yeah. You're a senior...
Uh-huh. ...who preys on freshmen.
You slept with half my floor.
Well, half your floor was female.
Whatever.
And you once met Bono,
which I suspect is total bullshit.
No, it's true. He signed my CD.
It's upstairs in my room
with my coffee collar if you wanna see it.
Are you hitting on me?
No. I'm going off your look.
My look. - Yeah.
Your "doggy bowl" look.
Are you calling me a dog?
No, it's a theory I have.
Oh, Casanova has a theory.
Yeah, when a girl's attracted to a guy, she has a look.
It's her tell, like poker. It's the same look a dog gets
right before you put down the bowl.
You're offensive. And you're crazy.
No, I'm honest. I believe honesty is the best policy.
All right. You want me to be honest with you?
Sure.
I'm majoring in Fine Art.
Right.
I'm studying the golden proportions
of the human face.
And your nose is bent, and it droops down at the bottom
a feature that's accentuated by the thinness of your upper lip.
And your eyes are too far apart,
but they'd have to be to accommodate that bent nose.
And I feel sorry for you, that you have to validate yourself
through insatiable, meaningless, ego sport-sex
with insecure girls like my roommate.
I would never have sex with someone
like you.
Wow.
Hey, come here.
That was amazing.
What was? - The honesty.
That was almost better than sex without the, uh,
without the crying.
Actually, it did feel pretty good.
No one's been that honest with me before.
It's called a friend. I'm Tom, by the way.
Hannah. Hannah. That's a palindrome.
Oh.
Good night. - Uh...
good night.
Mwah.
Your hand's clammy. - Oh.
I can see through your nightgown.
[GROANS]
Oh.
[SLURRING] Tom, is that you?
Can I see your Bono autograph?
[BURPS, RETCHES]
She's all yours, friend.
Hm.
[TOM SIGHS]
Monica, get some sleep.
[SARA BAREILLES' "LOVE SONG" PLAYING]
# Head under water #
# And they tell me To breathe easy for a while #
# The breathing gets harder #
# Even I know that #
# Blank stares at blank pages #
# No easy way to say this #
# You mean well #
# But you make this Hard on me #
# I'm not gonna write you A love song #
# 'Cause you ask for it #
# 'Cause you need one #
# You see, I'm not gonna Write you a love song #
# 'Cause you tell me It's make or break in this #
# If you're on your way #
# I'm not gonna Write you to stay #
# If all you have is leaving #
# I'm gonna need A better reason #
# To write you a love song #
# Today #
# Yeah # # Today #
[CLATTERING OUTSIDE]
[MOANS]
Who is this?
Oh, I'm late.
[SIGHS]
What are you doing tonight?
I don't do back-to-backs.
Isn't that what we were doing last night?
No, that was something different.
[GIGGLES]
Back-to-backs are seeing each other
two nights in a row, and you know I don't do that.
Couldn't you just break one of your stupid rules?
No. - For me?
I'm sorry. I don't break the rules.
I have a rule about that.
Mwah.
[EXHALES] [DOOR OPENS]
See you next week. [DOOR CLOSES]
[LENNY KRAVITZ'S "LOVE REVOLUTION" PLAYING]
# This is the time This is the vibe #
# Don't you want To get on the ride? #
# Come on inside From the outside #
# The truth will set you free And you will find #
# That there is a love # # Love #
# That won't let you down #
# And it always holds ground #
# Wear your crown #
# This love will never Leave you #
# This love will never Let you go #
# It is time #
# For a love revolution #
# It is time #
Thank you.
Oh, excuse me. - Oh. Sorry.
Can I get a grande drip,
and a decaf, triple grande,
nonfat, extra-hot, stirred, no-foam Caramel Macchiato,
with whipped cream, extra caramel?
And fill that 70 percent of the way.
Thank you.
Ooh, oh, here. Let me put a coffee collar on that for you.
WOMAN: Oh, thank you. I hear
the guy that invented that gets a dime for each one used.
You're kidding. - I am not.
That could add up.
Oh, I think I picked up yours by accident.
Sorry about that. - Oh, that's all right. Thank you.
Anytime.
Bye-bye.
[#]
"Gloria."
[CAR STARTS]
[PAINTBRUSH RUNNING ALONG CANVAS]
Morning.
Good morning, Hannah. Coffee the way you like it.
Mm. Perfect timing.
I just finished working on his balls.
That's a-- Yeah. Good.
Um, so I made a reservation.
HANNAH: So, uh, which rule is this?
TOM: No back-to-backs.
HANNAH: Oh, isn't it the same
as the no-more-than- once-a-week rule?
No, the once-a-week rule works Monday to Friday--
Oh, so you could have a date on Sunday and then Monday
without breaking it.
Exactly, you got it. - Of course.
Ah, here we go. Uh, hey, good morning.
Can I get the, uh, steamed buns,
uh, the scalloped steamed dumplings,
and the vegetarian and shrimp steamed dumplings?
Thank you. - For what?
You know how much I love the fried stuff.
HANNAH: You're looking after me.
Excellent. So, what did she say?
Well, she was hurt, but at least I was--
But you were honest, weren't you?
What? I was. I am. Always.
I know you are, but it's just shocking
how you use it as a shield.
Maybe I should lie. Be more like Dennis Phillips.
Say whatever it takes to get a woman in bed.
Do not be like Dennis Phillips. He's so gross.
He only hit on you once.
At my father's funeral.
Okay, so he's not known for his sensitivity.
[LAUGHING] Oh, God.
Anyways...
What?
Hm, nothing.
Oh. I know that "nothing." It's not nothing.
It's something. Anyway...?
Anyway, we both know you don't need to lie
to get a woman into bed.
Gloria. I don't wanna lose that. - Mm-hm.
Can I keep it? Thank you.
See, here's another rule too: 24-hour rule.
I can't call her for another 24 hours.
Because then it appears I'm too desperate.
[CHUCKLING] Yeah, right.
You know, Dan sent me another letter.
Asking you to move to Canada and marry him again?
A slice of apple-crumb pie.
TOM: No. Got that last time.
I thought you guys broke up a year ago.
HANNAH: Nineteen months.
You're counting? - No, he is.
It was in the letter. - Uh-huh.
Lemon, butter-cream cup.
Mm. Not feeling the cream cup today.
Cranberry-orange muffin?
Oh, Hannah, come on. You're losing it.
I know, I know. Okay, okay. - They don't have it.
Forget about it. Come on.
You're disappointing me. Ooh. I got it. I got it.
Okay, I so have it, I so have it.
Cream cheese-swirl brownie. - Ooh.
You're so good.
[BOTH LAUGH]
What do you think of this?
I think we should bring them this.
Tom, I am not going to another one of your father's weddings.
Thank you. Hannah? Please.
Take one of the girls you've been rubbing against.
No weddings or family events.
Oh, that's right. I forgot that rule.
Leaves the wrong impression. - It does.
TOM: Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
Is this made with real alligator?
Yes, baby alligator.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Oh. Look at you.
Hello, there. Hello, there. Aren't you beautiful?
Oh, I love you. Yes, I do. I love you.
You're so pretty. Yes, you are. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful. You're so beautiful. Look at that face.
Love you, love you, love you, love you.
You should try saying that to a human sometime.
What?
A human? You don't say that to a human.
Mwah.
You're sweet. Love you.
Hannah, please. - Come to the wedding.
[LAUGHS] No. - He gets married and I go.
I go because he's my father and I care deeply for the man.
And everybody knows he doesn't love them.
They don't love him. It's pathetic.
Breaks my heart. I don't know what to say to him.
You know, if someone's making a mistake
and it's not your place to interfere, you say:
"I'm happy you're happy."
- Yeah.
Okay. I'll do that.
I promise you, this is the last time I'll ask you to come.
And then I'll find somebody else to come for the next few.
Hannah, please.
That's cute.
Last time.
Thank you. Thank you.
[#]
Look, she gets the apartment in the city
and 30 grand a month.
Right. Okay, okay. You get the house in the Hamptons.
She's asking for the apartment and 30 grand a month.
Thirty? But--
Are you still negotiating the prenup?
Now the party starts. My son is here.
You're getting married in 10 minutes.
Dad, Dad, please. I can't breathe. Dad. Please, Dad.
Did you bring the lovely Hannah? - Yes, I did.
You know, you don't act on that, you know what I'm gonna do?
No. - I'm gonna make her
my number six.
It's seven. This is number six.
Yeah. - My God, you are pretty.
Oh, Dad-- Oh-- - Mwah, mwah.
I used to be that pretty once.
Dennis, look how pretty my boy is.
Yeah, he's beautiful. - They won't accept
a minimum of five times a week.
She promised five, I want five.
What did she promise five times?
[GROANS]
Four times? - Two.
Two-- No, no, no.
We're not done yet. We're not done yet.
Agree to three with a bimonthly BJ.
Oh, this is disturbing.
Four, and make it weekly.
Wait, wait, wait. Don't-- Driver, go around the block.
We are not even close.
Hi. - Hi.
What was that?
Christie, wait. Christie.
Come on. - Okay. Okay.
Come on, tell me.
[SIGHS] Say what you gotta.
Well, I'm happy if you're happy.
Oh."You're too old for her, Dad.
"She doesn't love you. This is embarrassing.
You're gonna rack up your fifth divorce."
Sixth. DENNIS: Sixth.
Come on, I'm happy if you're happy.
Bullshit.
They'll go for four if you exercise more.
She says you can't gain any more weight.
Take it. Deal. - Deal.
I told her I weighed 10 pounds more than I do.
[LAUGHS] Ain't love grand?
Sign them both. - What's he signing now?
Current prenup and his last divorce papers.
Oh, that's just great.
WOMAN: You look great, don't fix it.
Come on. You're good. Move.
I'm so excited. - Yeah.
Thank you. - I'm so excited.
[KANYE WEST'S "GOLD DIGGER" PLAYING]
# Now, I ain't saying She a gold digger #
# But she ain't messing With no broke niggas #
# Now, I ain't saying She a gold digger #
# But she ain't messing With no broke niggas #
# Get down, girl Go ahead, get down #
# Get down, girl Go ahead #
# Cutie the bomb Met her at a beauty salon #
# With a baby Louis Vuitton Under her underarm #
# She said "I can tell you rock #
# I can tell by your charm" #
# Far as girls You got a flock #
# I can tell by your charm And your arm #
# But I'm looking for the one Have you seen her? #
# My psychic told me she has An ass like Serena #
Cheers. - Cheers.
Did you tell your dad you loved him?
Ah, I told him I cared for him.
You can't even tell your father. Mm, I don't get that.
It's a guy thing. - No, it's a Tom thing.
Oh, well, you're an "I love you" slut.
[LAUGHS] Are you kidding me?
You say it all the time to everybody.
HANNAH: Oh, this looks so good. - There you go.
That looks good. What is that?
TOM: Ooh, lemon. Ooh, I should've ordered this. This looks good.
You always order better than I do.
BOTH: Mm.
It's lemon, right? - Mm.
It's good. I'm ordering that from now on.
No, you won't. - Why?
I need you to order the chocolate cake
so I can have some.
There's my son.
Here we go. [LAUGHS]
Hi. Christie. How are you?
Oh, if you're a bad boy, I'm gonna spank you.
Oh, yeah. You know what I would like to say to you?
Is that-- Ow.
CHRISTIE: I want you to listen to me,
Tom. - Yes.
If you need any monies...
Mm.
...or you need any advice... - Right.
...or you got girl problems. I don't think--
Uh-huh. - I need you
to think of me how you would a real mother.
TOM: Yeah, that's exactly what I--
Look at this beauty. - Oh, there he is.
Hello, sweetie. - Hi.
Drunk as the night I first met her.
[LAUGHING]
HANNAH: So romantic. - Oh, please. By all means.
You are a bad influence on her. - Me?
Last shot, okay?
Mm-mm. I'm stealing you away.
The last one? [LAUGHS]
He does know that he can just date, right?
Um,
no, I don't think he does.
[SNICKERS]
To mothers. - To mothers. Cheers.
Ah, careful.
[SNIFFS]
Oh, nice.
# Misty blue #
# Oh, honey #
[INAUDIBLE]
Oh, God.
[WHISPERING] Hide me. - What?
It's my dad's patient coordinator.
Yeah, don't look, don't look, don't look. Don't look.
No, no. She's obsessed with me.
Yeah, she's created a website called AllThingsTom.org.
The psycho blogger? - Yes.
[SNICKERS]
Okay, come on. Dance with me. Watch yourself.
I think she's kind of cute. - Oh, stop it.
I'm serious. - Just keep going.
TOM: Here, just--
Hide me. Up. Neck, neck, neck. Up. Back. Side, side. Go. Over.
Her last blog was a two-page description of my face.
You see, she doesn't think my nose is too bent
or my lips are too thin.
Who said that? - You did. When we met.
Well, I lied.
What?
I thought you were hot.
Ooh.
Well, you told me I looked like a dog.
That's because I was just trying to sleep with you.
Why haven't you since?
Well, I like having you in my life.
[LAUGHING] Funny.
Hi, Tom. - Oh, hi.
Did you see the new blog? - Uh, no, we haven't.
Who's this? - This?
Well, this is my-- My girlfriend.
Why didn't you tell me you were seeing someone?
Because I don't know you. - But we have a really,
really open relationship. - Really?
I wanted to talk to you about that, princess.
Princess? - I--
I don't wanna be with anybody but you.
I don't know if I'm really quite ready to make that commitment.
Oh. - You know my rules.
[CHUCKLES] Oh...
We're a bit of an emotional retard.
Yeah.
I think I need to start a new blog now.
[GRUNTS]
That is so scary. [SIGHS]- She's psychotic
on top of being-- - Oh, this is not good.
# Glad we're through #
# Deep in my heart #
# I know I've lied #
# I've lied #
Get out of my way.
Hey!
Okay, good, she's gone.
Perfect. Let's go.
Oh, good, come on. What?
HANNAH: Do you remember
that ancestral home in Scotland
with those paintings I told you about?
Mm, it's all I think about.
Stop it, Tom.
I finally got the board to sign off
on making them additions to our permanent collection.
Really? - Mm-hm.
But they want me to go to Scotland
for an acquisitions trip.
When do you go?
Couple of days.
Couple of days? For how long?
Six weeks. - Oh.
That's a long time. - Mm-hm.
That's great.
You think?
Yes, it's a great opportunity for you.
You're like the museum maven of the Met.
[SCOFFS]
It's got a good ring to it.
Hm...
Thank you.
Congratulations.
Six Sundays. Hm.
That is six Sundays.
What am I gonna do without you?
Oh, well, I can just imagine.
Yeah. - What are you doing?
I'm gonna jump! - No. God. Jesus.
Six Sundays. How can I live without you?
Can you not take anything seriously?
Yeah, I can. - Get down.
Let's get you another drink.
I think I've had too many already.
Oh, thanks for coming to the wedding.
Oh, it was a ball. I can't wait for number seven.
TOM: It's coming up soon.
I have a feeling. [HANNAH LAUGHS]
WOMAN [OVER SPEAKER]: We also ask at this time
that you turn off all your electronic devices.
Please leave your cell phones turned off
for the full duration of the flight.
[SIGHS]
Ah, I'm not gonna be able to play today, man.
My back. - Oh. If we don't have a fourth,
we're gonna end up with Tiny Shorts Guy.
What's up? Need another? - Hey, how's it going?
No, our friend Paul, with longer shorts, is coming.
No, Ginny signed him up
for some art-walk thing. - Art walk? Are you serious?
Tell me, what do you think Ginny did with his balls?
Oh, come on, guys. Marriage isn't that bad.
I agree. Without marriage, there'd be no divorce,
and without divorce, I wouldn't have my condo in Aspen.
There you go.
[LAUGHS] Good one.
What is he? What is he? - I'm serious, man.
You're missing out on the best parts of life.
The most important part of life.
This from the guy whose wife won't let him own porn.
He's got to wank off to the underwear section
of the Sears catalogue.
Hey, I thought we weren't
gonna talk about that, huh?
Whoa, whoa. - What's the matter with you?
You are single and you've been single ever since--
What was her name, in sophomore year?
Uh... - Plim--
Pimkin. Pimkin, that's it.
Pimkin dumped you for him sophomore year.
You've never been the same. You haven't been able to sleep.
Scarred. FELIX:- Yeah.
You have no idea how nice it is
to have someone who's gonna be there for you,
no matter what, forever.
Snaps to that.
You don't know how nice it is to sleep with a different girl
every night. - That's true.
Nice rebuttal.
You know, you got the best of both worlds, Tom.
No, it's true. I can sleep with whoever I want
but I still get to hang with Hannah. It's a perfect setup.
Well, maybe not for Hannah. - What's that mean?
Come on, Tom. She's a woman.
Yeah, I got that.
You sure? - Yeah.
Dude, she's pushing 30.
You think her idea of happily ever after
is coming home to you
and hanging out after you got laid?
Makes you think, right?
Yeah.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Hey. HANNAH: Hi.
How's the weather in England?
It's great. Only I'm in Scotland.
Oh, right. Right.
So it's sunny.
[SIGHS] It's 3 in the morning.
Oh, right. Sorry. So it's dark.
Yeah.
Hey, have you seen the Loch Ness monster yet?
[LAUGHS]
I know, terrible joke. Anyway...
Is there something important?
Yeah, you'll never guess what happened.
What? They filled in the pothole.
The pothole?
On 83rd.
Terrific. Hey, Tom?
Yeah? - I'm gonna go back to sleep now.
Oh, okay. Sure.
Love you.
Have a good night.
Call me tomorrow.
[SIGHS]
This stuff's all old.
Yeah. That's the point.
Let's go to Fendi.
Fendi? No. No, no. - Yes.
We're here. Let's just stay here.
I'm not into old stuff.
Why are you talking like a 6-year-old?
I'm not.
This line is too long.
Can't we just go somewhere else?
No. This is the best bakery in the world.
That's why it's worth waiting in line.
Come on, we'll play a game. Wanna play a game?
Yeah, we can play a game.
Okay, good.
Tell me what to order. - Why?
You'll see. It'll be fun. Make a suggestion.
A cookie.
No, no, you have to be specific.
Like, what type of cookie?
A really big cookie.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Tom, your phone's ringing.
[SIGHS]
Hello?
Nope.
What's wrong?
Missed an important call.
That's because you're an important person.
No. Oh-- Oh, wait. - Hey, c-c-come to mama.
Uh, we will have, um, two fried dumplings
two of the wontons and six of the, um, fried porky thingies.
Yeah, but that's fried.
Oh, come on. - It's not healthy.
Have some of the fried. It won't hurt you.
Thank you.
[HONKING HORN] Move, please.
[CELL PHONE RINGS] Oh, gosh.
This is unbelievable.
Hello?
Hey. Hello? HANNAH: Hello?
Hannah?
[OVER PHONE STATIC] Hello? - Hey.
Tom? Tom, is that you?
Tom? - Hello?
[CHOPPY SIGNAL] Ugh-- Hello?
You're cutting out. I can't hear anything you've said.
Tom? I'm stuck in a thunderstorm.
I'm surrounded with a herd of cows.
I'll call when I get to the hotel.
Hannah, I can't hear you. Tom?
[STATIC]
[SIGHS]
[RINGS]
[TOM MOANS]
Hello?
[SIGHS]
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
[SIGHS]
[DIALS]
[BUSY SIGNAL BEEPS]
Oh, I hate Scotland.
# You want to stay With me in the morning #
# You only hold me When I sleep #
# I was meant To tread the water #
# But now I've gotten In too deep #
# For every piece of me... #
WOMAN: We're having a hard time.
MAN: We're having a hard time.
Oh, yeah? Want a hand?
Can you give us a little...?
Yeah. - We'd love it.
All right. I think you'd better sit down, sir.
I might fall in. - Sit down there, sir.
Sit, sit, sit. - Here we go.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, don't come in.
Hang on. - Thank you, thank you.
Have a good afternoon. WOMAN:- Have a wonderful day.
# Give it a try #
# Please, give me something #
# 'Cause someday I might #
# Know my heart #
FELIX: Give it up. DENNIS: What do you got?
Here we go.
Come on, scrub. - Watch out.
Let's go.
What do you got, Gare?
What do you got?
FELIX: Come on, Tom. What do you got?
Easy.
Tom, foul. That's a foul, Tom.
What's the matter with you today?
I don't know. I think I might have feelings for Hannah.
[SIGHS]
Oh, come on, come on. - Let's just play.
It's just...
without her, something's off, and it's got me thinking
that maybe there's more to life than just sleeping around.
I don't understand.
I-- I'm not following.
Come on, let's just play.
Come on. I'll take it out.
I know exactly what you mean, Tom.
[SIGHS]
Thanks. Here you go.
I'm gonna tell Hannah.
When she gets home I'm gonna tell her I want to be with her.
Nothing about marriage, just together.
Yeah, that's romantic.
[EL PRESIDENTE'S "WITHOUT YOU" PLAYING]
ANSWERING MACHINE: You have one unheard message.
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
HANNAH [OVER MACHINE]: Hey, Tom, I'm back.
God, I cannot wait to see you.
I don't care what you're doing tonight, cancel it.
We're going to dinner.
Meet me at that new trendy place
next to the small Greek place we hated that used to be
the Thai-fusion place we loved.
Meet me there, 8:00.
I have so much to tell you.
EL PRESIDENTE: # If I only had a heart #
# To say I want you #
# But it's so bad And almost sad #
# But it's so hard to give #
# Oh, without you #
# I don't want anybody #
# Oh, without you #
All right.
# I don't need anybody #
# Oh, without you #
Okay. # What you want me to do? #
Have a good night.
# There ain't no way That I could possibly live #
# Oh, without you #
# Without you #
# Would you ever reconsider #
# What we started #
# If I had the ways And means to work #
# This whole thing out? #
# And I know that I Have left you broken-hearted #
# I guess I feel That I ain't proud #
# Of what I've done to you #
# Oh, without you #
# I don't want anybody #
# Oh, without you #
Ah!
[BOTH SCREAM]
Tom. You okay?
I'm all right. Are you all right?
I think I broke a rib.
His rib. I'm fine. I'm okay. WOMAN: Sorry about your flowers.
Are you okay? - I'm so sorry. What?
WOMAN: Sorry. Here are your flowers.
Oh, but-- But--
Flowers? No, they're not my flowers.
Your flowers. Those are yours. - I didn't have flowers.
Hi. It's good to see you.
I missed you. - It's great.
Come here. There's someone I want you to meet.
Oh, good.
HANNAH: It started pouring,
and suddenly it was just me in a field of cows.
And of course, we're in Europe, so there are no street signs
and it's getting dark.
I think she thought she was in some bad werewolf movie.
Stay off the moors, lassie. [GIGGLES]
So anyway, all of a sudden out of nowhere,
Colin comes riding up on horseback--
- Oh. Can you believe it? A horse.
--and asks me if I need any help.
Wow. You were a lady in distress.
What was I gonna do?
It was right out of a Bronte novel.
So anyway, he shows me to this charming little inn
where he proceeds to buy me the most awful dinner
I have ever had. [LAUGHS]
Right. Okay. Aye.
It was pretty bad, even by Scottish standards.
Then we just spent the next month
traveling around the country getting to know each other,
visiting museums. It was--
BOTH: It was perfect.
[SIGHS]
[LOUD KISSING]
So when it was time for Hannah to leave, I just--
I don't know, I just-- I couldn't let her go.
So I got down on one knee--
And he proposed, and I accepted.
Wow, that's just-- It's huge, it's--
So the wedding's coming together quickly.
Oh, it sounds like it. - We're gonna get married
at Colin's parents' summer home.
It's gonna be small affair.
We can't expect too many people
to make the trip overseas in just a fortnight.
A fortnight? Aye.
That's two weeks. It's crazy, isn't it?
You ever been to Scotland, Tom? - You know, I haven't.
You should see where we're exchanging vows.
It's the same church that Colin's parents were married in.
It's pretty spectacular. It's across the loch
from our distillery. - Distillery?
Yeah. Colin's family owns
the largest whiskey distillery in Scotland.
Oh.
Tom, look,
if you were getting married, I'd expect to be your best man.
Tom, will you be my maid of honor?
[LAUGHS]
Your maid of honor?
[SCREAMS] Oh!
[GLASS SHATTERS] [PEOPLE GASP]
TOM: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Forgive me, I--
What is it with you? - What? I didn't--
What are you--? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Did you see that?
[LAUGHING]
Maid of honor.
That's funny stuff. But you're a guy.
Go ahead, just get it out.
Oh, my--
So-- So, what did you say?
Did you say yes? - No.
No? I didn't know what to say.
I told her I'd think about it.
Think about whether that dress
is gonna make your ass look big.
Give me a break. Come on.
Okay. All right, let me think.
[SIGHS] She really into this guy?
Oh, you should have seen her.
Staring at him all moony, like he shits unicorns.
Oh, that's not good, man. You're gonna have to do this.
You're gonna have to be the maid of honor.
What? - Yeah. I'm serious.
Think. This would give you an excuse
to be around Hannah all the time.
Helping her out, being the man behind the curtain. Huh?
You'd be her confidant.
And then you could use that time
to point out to Hannah that this is really crazy
and that she doesn't even know this guy at all.
No, I'm not gonna do that. No way.
What? Look. - No.
I don't know what your other options are.
You've got a better chance of stopping this wedding
from inside than from another continent.
And they say that you can shorten this
and wear it again if you like.
[LAUGHS]
Come on, if you're serious and you really want Hannah back
from this guy, you're gonna have to do whatever it takes.
Whatever.
[#]
Your dress is beautiful.
Thank you.
I am so happy you're gonna do this.
Pleasure. For this wedding,
I am willing to do whatever it takes.
Oh, I'm so excited. - Yeah, me too.
All right, so let me tell you who the bridesmaids are.
Okay. - Stephanie.
Great. I like Stephanie. - And she loves you.
Oh, good. - And my friend Hilary.
I don't know Hilary. Okay. - She's the best.
And Melissa.
Oh, no. - I had to, Tom.
She's my cousin. - She hates me.
Well, you broke her heart.
She broke my nose.
That was an accident. - She hit me with her fist.
I was completely honest with her.
I said, "Look, nothing serious," and she agreed.
So sometimes our hearts don't match our mouths.
Oh, that's good. Put that in the vows.
She's wanted to be my maid of honor since we were 5 years old,
so now she's really gonna hate you.
There they are now.
Okay, well, as your maid of honor,
I promise to keep the peace. - Good.
[#]
Oh, hi.
[ALL WHOOPING AND LAUGHING]
Hello, good to see you. - Yes.
Oh, the bride-to-be. - Hello. I'm Tom.
I'm Hilary. - Very nice to meet you.
Hi. - Stephanie, how are you doing?
Good to see you. - It's so good to see you too.
Are you kidding me?
And look at you, Melissa. - How have you been?
That went great. - This isn't awkward.
It's gonna be fine. Don't worry. I'm gonna be fine.
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
WOMAN: Oh!
STEPHANIE: So, Tom, have you met Colin yet?
TOM: Yes.
Oh, isn't he dreamy?
Absolutely.
[GIGGLES]
Could someone please pass me the Splenda?
Could someone who's not a misogynist
pass the Splenda?
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Thank you, Stephanie.
It's Colin, you guys.
ALL: Aw!
Hi, babe. One sec.
Hi.
They're so cute. - Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT]
We have nine days before we leave. We have to act quickly.
Exactly. I've been a MOH six times,
so I'll organize everything that needs to be done.
Even though I'm not officially the MOH here.
What is a MOH?
M-O-H.
Oh, maid of honor.
Oh, that's clever. Yeah. - That's you.
No, it's going great.
Very smoothly.
So we've got the bridal shower, the bachelorette
dress fittings, the kilt-- I'll do the kilts.
STEPHANIE: Perfect. - Oh, good.
Shopping for Hannah's trousseau.
STEPHANIE: That's great.
Trousseau? - What is a trousseau?
It's lingerie.
Oh. - For her wedding night.
How do you expect to be a good MOH
if you don't know that?
She's talking to me.
No, I didn't.
You just did.
Oh, I'm sorry, Tom.
Did I break a rule?
Oh, um-- How about we focus on the wedding part?
Good idea. Let's do that. Just for now.
Okay. I need dress sizes.
I'm a 4.
Okay. - Eight.
[COUGHS]
I'm sorry.
You know, Hilary, uh,
do you think that maybe you'd
just be more comfortable in, like, a 12?
No, it'll be fine. I'm doing the Dr. Riverbed fast.
Oh, yeah. What is that?
Uh, water, peach resin, apple pectin
shark extract, Lawry's seasoning salt.
What about food?
Look, I am going to look amazing in that dress,
I am going to meet a Scottish man
and I'm gonna be happy.
[LAUGHS]
Write down an 8.
Got it.
What's your dress size, maid of honor?
I don't know. What's your jock size, Melissa?
Okay, guys. That's enough. - It's enough.
Sorry. But will you guys look at Hannah, please?
Okay, she's happy, finally.
So could you please, for Hannah,
let's all just get along, hook a smile on our faces
and pretend like everything is perfect.
Okay, fine. Okay.
[ALL LAUGH]
Oh, you're back. That's great. What did he say?
How's he doing? - Oh, he's so sweet.
ALL: Aw!
Oh, isn't that great.
How's it going?
HILARY: Great. - Good. Really good.
Oh, wow. - Fantastic, so fantastic.
I mean, it is pretty much done.
Perfect. - Really?
Tom? - Yes.
Here. - What is this?
Uh, she does bridal shower entertainment.
I hired her for Stephanie's sister's shower
and Hannah loved it.
She reads tarot cards and stuff.
Oh, that's great. Thank you.
I'm not doing it for you,
I'm doing it for Hannah.
Okay. Thank you.
For Hannah. [SCOFFS]
It should've been me.
I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye, Tom.
Goodbye. - Bye, Hilary.
See you. Nice meeting you.
HILARY: You too. Bye.
I just had a very nice bonding moment with Melissa.
Can I ask you a favor? - Sure.
My mother and grandmother are coming into town tomorrow
and I have so much to plan.
I was wondering if you and your boys
could entertain Colin for the day.
Entertain him? - Get to know him and stuff.
Sure.
Cool. - Yeah.
So are you more proud
of Scotch tape or McDonald's?
I think they're both American.
So wait, you invited this guy to play ball with us?
Yeah. He's the competition.
I need to get to know his strengths and weaknesses.
DENNIS: I like his green shirt.
Is that, like, a poly-blend kind of thing?
TOM: It's my shirt. DENNIS: It's yours?
Yeah. Looks good on him, huh?
Yeah. Looks real good. - Why don't you play with him.
[FELIX LAUGHS] Thanks.
Hey, Colin, you ever play basketball before?
We would call this netball.
Um, back in Scotland it's more of a woman's game.
So no, I don't have much experience.
I do. You need one more?
We're good. - All right.
All right, girls. You ready? FELIX: Yeah. I am.
Good. Gotta use your hands there.
GARY: You all right there?
DENNIS: I'm open, I'm open.
There we go.
FELIX: Gotta hold on to the ball, man.
Gotta hold on to the ball.
Almost. Almost.
[WHISTLES]
You should get some Scottish girls out here.
No, you want to start again because you didn't get that.
There you go.
There you go. That was good. Here you go.
FELIX: What do you got?
Shoot that. Nice.
[ALL CHEER]
TOM: I like it like that. Sorry, guys.
DENNIS: Get on him.
TOM: Lay-up. Hey, get in there, ball.
[GRUNTS]
You okay?
DENNIS: Okay, back to you. Put it in the basket.
Jeez.
[LAUGHS] You know what I'm learning?
The guy's a chump. [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
[GRUNTS] TOM: There it is.
FELIX: Arms up, baby. That's good.
That's it, that's it. We got it now.
Hey, I look good, don't I?
Here we go. Here we go.
DENNIS: Yo.
Just put it in the basket.
Go ahead. Put it in the basket.
FELIX: Hey, take a shot.
[FELIX CHUCKLES]
[GRUNTS]
COLIN: Sorry, guys. DENNIS: You see that?
Probably not allowed to stuff it in.
He dunks the ball. - Sorry, sorry.
He dunks the ball.
[LAUGHS]
That was awesome. You can dunk.
He can dunk. That is awesome.
Wait, if that's allowed, why don't you guys all do it?
Yeah, if we could, we would. Right?
Nice.
# I've got the power #
Yeah!
Oh!
# I've got the power #
[CHUCKLES]
[GRUNTING]
Score.
Oh! Ooh!
[CHUCKLES] DENNIS: Yes!
Good game, yeah. Good game.
MAN: Ow, my brother.
Looks like he's gonna be more competition than you thought.
I know, I know.
GARY: I love this guy.
[SHOWERS RUNNING]
[SIGHS]
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
Hey.
Uh...
Hm...
Whoa. - Oh, shit.
Whoa.
You all right? FELIX: Yeah.
Hey.
Holy... That boy's got mad-cow disease.
We gotta get dirt on him. I got a guy I use
when a spouse suspects infidelity.
Everybody's got skeletons in their closet.
Nobody is squeaky clean, and my guy is the best.
I don't know. It just seems so cheap.
It won't be. I'll charge double because you're rich.
I mean, it's a cheap thing to do.
He plays cheap. You gotta match that.
How does Colin play cheap?
That whole thing with Hannah, being Scottish,
making her fall in love with him in Scotland.
That monster thing of his.
Fine. Get the dirt.
That's cool.
WOMAN [OVER P.A.]: The white zone
is for immediate loading
and unloading of passengers only.
No parking.
[#]
What's he gonna do, eat her?
Come on, come on, come on.
Okay, take a breath, take a breath, take a--
Thanks, Tom.
Yeah, have a great flight.
Bye. Thanks, mate.
Oh, come on. Jesus.
[SIGHS]
I love you, Colin. Bye.
Bye. Ooh!
Yeah. Mm.
[SIGHS] Oh, God.
Need some ChapStick? - Yeah.
So, what church are we going to?
HANNAH: Grace Church.
[#]
Thank you so much for coming with me to meet the reverend.
Oh, it's no problem. - He is the sweetest man.
Yeah? - Yeah.
He married my parents and insisted
on coming to Scotland to do my wedding.
Why didn't Colin stay and do this with you?
Well, it was more important for him to go back to Scotland
to petition the Grand Council
so Colin and I could get married.
I don't-- What's a Gran--? What's that mean?
I'm not Scottish, and his family is kind of like, you know...
What?
...royalty.
Royalty? - Mm-hm.
Royalty? What is he, like a king?
No, no. He's a duke.
Oh.
A duke!
[GROANS]
[SIGHS]
Ah, Hannah, darling.
Reverend Foote.
[CHUCKLES]
And this must be the lucky young man
who's marrying our beautiful Hannah.
Oh, no. - No.
I'm not marrying him. - No.
This is Tom,
my maid of honor. - Mm-hm.
Maid of honor? - Yes.
Well, how about that?
We have many gay and lesbian members of the congregation.
Welcome.
Thank you. - Thank you, Reverend.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
So let's talk about the wedding.
Okay. I need to get some details
about you and, uh...
Colin. ...Colin. Colin, yes, uh,
I want to work it into the ceremony.
Okay. Well, it was such a whirlwind, really.
Yes, well, enlighten me. Tell me about it.
Hannah, darling.
Hannah, I think it's important to dig deep here for the vows
and tell Reverend Foote all you know about Colin.
All that you love about him.
Okay. And not just the obvious stuff,
but those unique characteristics that are Colin.
Those things that make you laugh and say:
[CHUCKLES]
"That's so Colin."
Right.
And then, you know, maybe you could, uh,
get some information from Colin
and emphasize their unique bond.
Their shared history.
Of course.
We could talk about love at first sight.
Well, that's always a crowd pleaser, but, uh--
Hannah, elaborate. Tell me more about him.
How you feel about him.
[SIGHS]
[LAUGHS]
FOOTE: Where did you meet?
HANNAH: In Scotland-- Modigliani.
Your first summer in New York
you were dating a guy who worked on Wall Street
and he asked you to move in, and you weren't sure.
That was right around the time you discovered Modigliani.
You became obsessed with his painting
of this woman who had a blue scarf on, holding a baby.
And Hannah said, "That painting captured
the essence of that woman better than any photograph."
I can't believe you can remember that.
I also remember that she freaked because she said she felt
more passionate about that painting
than she did about Mr. Wall Street
and she wondered if she could ever meet somebody
that could make her feel as passionate as that work of art.
FOOTE: That's good.
Modigliani.
Now I know why you picked him to be maid of honor. Yes.
Well...
[KNOCKING] Come on.
Who's ready to lose some money tonight?
Because I'm feeling lucky.
You guys are late. How you doing?
FELIX: How you holding up? TOM: Stressed.
What the hell is this?
Hannah's shower's in the morning.
Well, where we gonna play?
We're not gonna play until these baskets
and everything else gets done.
What about this party mix? - Mm-hm.
That's potpourri.
Oh, this is perfect.
[GARY GROANS] Felix, take it off.
Deb has one of these.
It's funny, you can't see a thing.
GARY: She'd have to, with you. - Take this.
You could be, like, blinded.
I'm not playing with baskets. It's poker night.
# Oh, yes It's ladies night #
# And the feeling's right #
TOM: You put bayberry with serenity.
You no like? - No, it's interesting.
Thought it was obvious bayberry worked best with harmony.
Really? I've been putting bayberry with Tahitian sunrise.
Ooh.
That, I like. That's Zen.
Yeah. You know what I like?
I like how you put the bath ball in the center.
I like that so much, I'm gonna see your ball
and raise you another ball.
Good idea. You should have two balls.
FELIX: Get you another ball. Hey, Dennis,
come and curl some ribbon.
I can feel my sperm dying inside of me one at a time.
Shut up and grab a basket. Come on, it's fun.
I'm going to a strip club to eat some meat.
Then I'm gonna get into a fight.
Call me when you find your balls, Tom.
All right, tough guy.
Or maybe they're in the basket next to the Tahitian sunrise.
Someone's afraid of his feminine side.
TOM: Look at that-- Oh, nice job
with the fluffing.
Look at that, huh? - You tjuzsed it,
and it's been tjuzsed, and--
Look at us. - Come on.
Nice work, huh? - You can't lose.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] [INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
TOM [SIGHS]: Oh, shit.
Oh, hello, ladies. You look lovely today.
HILARY: Tom. Ah, Hilary, how are you?
Good. Everything looks wonderful.
This is the best shower I've ever been to.
Really, you think so? You know what, Hilary?
You should really eat something.
No. Tom, I'm fine.
[SCOFFS]
I'm fine. I'm okay.
Oh, what you ladies go through to fit into a dress.
Hey, this pretty much blows your rule out of the water
about no women allowed at your place, huh?
What good's a rule if you don't break it?
I'm very, very impressed. [TURNS ON SCOTTISH DANCE MUSIC]
Huh? Listen to that.
Gay Gordons party remix, just for you.
[SCATS]
Hear the horn? Hear the horn?
[HORN PLAYS] It's good, isn't it?
No-- - Here, let me turn it up for you.
[VOLUME HEIGHTENS] There.
It's a little loud. - What?
It's a little loud. - Right. I'll turn it down.
[MUSIC SHUTS OFF] There. Look, try this.
Haggis pink. It's pepper, cheese,
chopped-up baby lamb lung and cow pituitary gland.
It's a Scottish delicacy.
Colin recommended it.
Hm.
Ladies. Ladies. Look what just came for Hannah.
[WOMEN COOING]
It's from Colin, everyone.
Oh.
STEPHANIE: Wait, there's a card. There's a card. There's a card.
It says "Hannah." [CLEARS THROAT]
"Hannah, my love, this is the extremely rare
Scottish floral bud thistle."
Thistle?
"They only bloom for four hours before they die."
He must have timed this out perfectly.
HANNAH: Oh, my gosh. When we first met,
Colin joked that he would roam the countryside
to find me one, and he did.
ALL: Aw!
Sweetheart, that's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
Thanks, Mom.
Joan, good to see you. It's been too long.
I think, uh, Easter, wasn't it?
Yes. You slept with our maid.
She told you?
I didn't know she spoke English.
Yes, huh? - This is Grandma Pearl.
You remember Tom. - Of course.
How are you? - Oh, yes.
Uh, the fornicator.
[CHUCKLES]
That's right.
Okay. - Tom, this is awesome.
It's great. - Good, thank you.
This is even better than my sister's shower.
Really? [CLEARS THROAT]
It appears to be going well. Yes?
Sharon would like to know where to set up.
Who? - Uh, the entertainment.
Ah, yes. Thank God-- I mean, good.
Uh, she-- Uh, she should set up over there.
Hello, everybody.
Hi, I'm Sharon. Good to see you all.
Yeah, come on, right down in front.
TOM: This was my idea, you know.
Oh, I know you loved her
from Stephanie's sister's shower--
SHARON: I'd like for us all to take in a deep breath.
She wasn't at the shower.
She wasn't? - No.
And now exhale slowly. - Really?
SHARON: Good job. Good job. [WOMEN EXHALE]
It's very important to reset our third eye, right?
And connect to the primal...
[GROWLS]
Ooh. ...inside of ourselves
before I present the pleasure aids.
Pleasure aids?
Now... [BOX BUZZING]
...these pleasure aids are best used
when in a tantric, meditative state.
And today, I'm going to show you ladies
how to reach your optimal, sacral chakra.
All of these aids are for sale, ladies.
And-- Oh, look what we have here.
We have edible panties.
[SPARSE CHUCKLES] You look hungry.
Here, snack on these.
There you go.
[LAUGHS]
Now, ladies, what pleasure party
would be complete without glow-in-the-dark thunder beads?
[WOMEN GASP]
These are terrific. And for you ladies today,
two for one.
Okay? There you go.
You wanna try those out, princess?
W-where do these go?
[WOMEN MURMURING]
SHARON: From casual
right into evening wear.
Gorgeous.
You know what, why don't you keep those.
[SHARON CHUCKLES]
Oh, and they match your earrings.
[SIGHS]
Hannah, you okay?
You know that I dreamt of my wedding shower
ever since I was 10 years old?
No.
Strangely enough, the image of my Grandma Pearl
draped in glow-in-the-dark thunder beads,
wasn't a part of it.
[CHUCKLES] It's not funny, Tom.
Uh--
Do you have any idea how important this is to me?
And the Gay Gordons, pink haggis,
dildo saleswoman?
W-- Just understand something, that Melissa set me up.
Oh, please. There's always an excuse with you.
I never even should've asked you to do this in the first place.
You don't even believe in marriage.
You know, I might.
I gotta get back.
[SIGHS]
Whoa, Melissa's pretty good.
TOM [ON PHONE]: Look, the whole goal here
was to convince Hannah that I'd grown up,
that she doesn't know anything about Colin.
That I'm the right man for her.
That did not happen.
Oh, Stella. No.
No, baby, don't eat buttons, okay?
Yeah, but you're still the maid of honor, right, Tom?
[SIGHS] I think she might have fired me.
How does somebody get fired from being maid of honor?
Tell me about it.
You know what? I got an idea.
Okay.
To prove you're the only man for her,
we have to make you the best maid of honor ever.
Right.
DENNIS: I'm at a loss, completely stunned.
My guy couldn't find any dirt on Colin.
This has never happened.
This guy's clean. I'm glad it happened to me.
You know he's got three Guinness records?
Cool. For what?
He's actually got a Medal of Honor.
Hey, that's pretty funny,
because we got the maid of honor right here.
ALL [LAUGHING]: Hey! Oh!
Hey. All right, let's stay focused.
The point is, we're not gonna get her off this guy.
Yeah, so we need to not make this about Colin.
We need to make it about you. Good.
Show her that you're growing up, that you're changing.
I am changing. I'm growing up.
Good. Then this should be easy for you.
Okay, great.
These are bridal magazines
from 18 different countries,
each with a feature article on being a maid of honor.
Perfect. Uber Bride. - That's not bad.
GARY: Now, I got guys in Bangalore
that we outsource to.
They translated them overnight for you.
Nice appetizer there, Gary. Here's the main course.
TOM: What you got? Bring it.
My wife, Deb, is an A-type personality.
She has to do everything perfect.
Sure. - Love her. Hate that about her.
Right. - Anyway, she rented this
when she was gonna be the maid of honor
for her yoga teacher. This is the goods.
TOM: Let's look. FELIX: You'll be wowed.
[TRIUMPHANT INTRO MUSIC PLAYS]
Hi, I'm Elisabeth Hasselbeck
and I'm just so thrilled you purchased this program.
And I'm proud of you because it shows that you're not happy
being just an ordinary friend and loved one.
No, you and I are going to work together
to make you the perfect maid of honor.
When we're through, you'll know everything there is to know
about dresses, crockery, nuptial etiquette,
and pleasing your bride.
Okay, what's the length of the bridesmaid's dress?
Can't be longer than bride's.
What if someone won't be able to attend?
You gotta send an invitation anyway.
Receiving line?
If there's a receiving line, that means I've failed,
because Hannah's married.
DENNIS: Right. It was a trick question.
Who was the runner-up MVP, 1974?
No, hey-- These questions all have to do
with Tom being the best maid of honor he can be.
All right, uh...
I thought we were just asking, like, questions.
Go sit down.
Basic duties of the maid of honor?
Manage the bridesmaids, hold the ring,
support the bride.
Basic duties as you as the maid of honor?
Show that I've matured,
that I can take care of my responsibilities fully
and that I need to destroy the wedding from within.
What happens if you fail at that task?
Colin gets her.
What are we gonna do? Steal the bride.
ALL: Steal the bride.
And remember, whether it's helping with the seating chart
or giving an opinion on the cake,
the perfect made of honor is with her bride
every step of the way.
You know, you didn't have to clear your day to do all this.
Are you kidding? Of course I did.
The perfect maid of honor
is with his bride every step of the way.
A changed man.
[CHUCKLES] I am, indeed.
Wow, I don't even know where to begin.
Now, when choosing your china patterns,
you need to think about what entertaining you wanna do,
what sort of foods you wanna cook.
Ah, here, look.
Now, don't be afraid to mix and match.
It's important, even with different styles and textures.
What you wanna do is stir up the table.
Make it come alive with color and finesse.
That is the goal.
Also, at the end of the day,
you will find...
connections.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
Ah, thank you very much.
Let's go.
If you think I'm good with plates,
wait till linens. Lingerie, perfect.
What about the linens?
Help pick something for the wedding night.
No. - Are you crazy?
You're the perfect person for this job.
Who's taken off more lingerie than you?
Let's put your whoring to good use.
Good point.
[SIGHS]
So how did it go with the Scottish Grand Council?
HANNAH: Oh, great.
Colin got them to approve everything.
Great.
So I gotta tell you,
I know this is gonna sound funny
but, um, I have to thank you.
For what?
Well, for asking me to be your maid of honor.
Yeah. I-- I know this is gonna sound crazy,
but you've really opened my eyes
to the whole idea of marriage.
[LAUGHS] Right.
No, seriously.
Have you met someone, Tom?
No.
Well, then how can you be serious?
[SIGHS]
I don't know. I just...
[#]
I don't know.
Hm.
[SIGHS]
[#]
[WHIP CRACKS]
What do you think?
You think Colin will like it?
No. No.
It's just-- - What?
[SIGHS]
It's cute.
Ah! - Cute?
I do not wanna look cute on my wedding night.
Just put this on. Cover yourself up.
Oh, hey. That's my coat.
Thank you. Yeah. Thank you.
[SIGHS]
TOM: Here, let me get you in a cab.
Watch--
I can't believe this is my last day in New York.
What are you talking about?
I've been meaning to tell you, Tom.
When I leave tomorrow, I'm not coming back.
I've decided to move to Scotland
to be with Colin.
You're leaving New York? - I am.
It's exciting, you know, and it makes sense.
He's next in line to take over the family business and...
It's a whole new chapter.
Hm.
You were amazing today, you know that?
Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I had no idea you could juggle like that.
Yeah, well-- I mean, women, yes, china, no.
Yeah, I know.
You're always amazing.
[GIGGLING] Come.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[#]
I'll see you in Scotland soon, okay?
Yeah, I'll see you over there.
I'll miss you.
Mwah.
Scotland.
WOMAN: Come, baby.
[DOGS PANTING]
Oh, hi there. - Hi.
Hey.
Nice dogs.
This is Hamish and this is Callum.
Callum? - Yeah.
Callum.
What kind of dog is that? - He's a Scottie.
A Scottie.
[CHORTLES]
Ah. That's perfect.
Fucking Scottie.
I've never felt like this before.
So hopeless.
So tell me again why you agreed to be the maid of honor.
Uh, to be with her. Make her happy.
Figure out some way to get her off of him.
Maybe that was all wrong.
Maybe he's better for her than me.
He's Scottish, he can dunk, he's perfect.
Nobody's perfect.
Although I tell you, this whiskey comes damn close.
It was a gift from Colin. He made it.
Swell.
I can't go.
I can't watch Hannah marry this guy.
She's moving to Scotland, I've lost her already.
Crap.
If you love something, set it free.
Said by a pussy and used by pussies ever since.
Casablanca. Bogie puts her on the plane.
Pussy. - Bogie's a pussy?
Big pussy.
You know, I've only truly been in love once.
The most amazing woman in the world.
She was my best friend.
But I was young, stupid,
and I messed it up.
My great list of mistakes, that was the greatest.
Who was this?
Your mother.
And when I finally realized how stupid I was,
I decided to fight for it,
but I was too late.
She wouldn't take me back.
And she was right.
And then it really was too late.
By the way, uh,
I'm getting another divorce.
[SCOFFS]
Oh, Pop.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey. Go and get her, you pussy.
[LAUGHS]
TOM: What about the dresses?
UPS is delivering them tomorrow morning.
I gave you the tracking number. I got it, I got it, I got it.
Okay, so Colin and Hannah
are gonna meet everyone at the house.
Okay, great.
Thomas. - Yeah.
Go get 'em, maid of honor.
Yeah.
Make this the perfect wedding.
Then steal the bride.
Thanks, guys. Thanks. Thanks for everything, man.
Thank you so much, all right? All right, baby.
All right. All right, all right, all right.
Get out of here. I'll see you later.
[#]
STEPHANIE: Wow. This is like a fairy tale.
Hannah is so lucky. - This is a fairy tale.
I know. - I wish I was her.
STEPHANIE: How she ever found such a great guy...
HILARY: We'll come visit her. STEPHANIE: All the time.
[DOG BARKS]
Hey. Hey.
What's your name? Huh?
You're a pretty dog. Oh, I love you.
TOM: That's his house?
No. Is this the summer house?
The McMurrays have homes for each season.
This summer home is the smallest. - Oh.
They also have an autumn home, winter home, spring--
I know the seasons, buddy.
Somebody's richer than you, Tom.
I guess you gotta go invent something even stupider.
[ALL SNICKER]
[DOGS BARKING]
[GASPS]
[BOTH SQUEAL]
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
The entire castle was actually built in 1220
in the 13th century.
This is incredible, isn't it? - Yes.
But around the 7th-- - Hi.
Hi.
Grandma Pearl, Joan, this is my mother, Dierdre,
and my father, Mungo.
How do you do? - How do you do?
Nice to meet you, Joan. Nice to meet you. Welcome.
COLIN: Everyone, I want you to meet someone
who is so special to my Hannah
and has been a lifelong friend,
and now her maid of honor: Tom.
Hi. Yes.
Did he just say he's the maid of honor?
He's a bloke.
How do you do? Very good, thank you.
Mungo. - Mungo, pleasure. Thank you.
Definitely gay.
COLIN: Oh, and the, uh--
These are the bridesmaids:
Hilary, Stephanie and Melissa.
How do you do? - Oh, hello.
Hi. Nice that you could come.
How do you do?
So, what do you think?
I think they think I'm gay. [BOTH LAUGH]
What? - Listen, can we get together?
Talk, catch up?
Tom, Tom, do you wanna see your chamber?
Oh, I'd love to. Thank you.
Follow me. - Thank you.
[SIGHS]
[COUGHS]
Thank you.
Uh, thank you.
Now, then.
I think just a few more sprigs of gypsophila
at the front there.
Ah. Lovely.
What do you guys think?
Oh, it is gorgeous. - You look amazing.
It is so pretty. It's gonna be-- With the veil...
It's so shiny. - It's you.
Tom. - Hi.
What do you think?
Of?
The hair.
Yeah, it, um...
This sash will go on the dress.
Really? - Mm. Tradition.
[WHISPERS] What's up with the hair?
Well, I'm not entirely sure that--
Oh, no, no, no. No, you see,
it's attached up here with a lovely big...
You're the maid of honor. It's good to just be supportive--
I'm supportive. - I don't think you are.
I think I am. - No, listen to me.
No, you're doing great, you're doing great.
Hannah.
Actually, you know, your hair looks amazing.
Really?
Yes.
The games will be starting soon. Here are your costumes.
Games? - Oh!
Costumes. - Our costumes?
What--? What do you mean "games"?
Oh, the Highland Games.
Uh-huh. It's a tradition in honor of the wedding.
It goes right back to the time when the groom had to prove
that he was man enough to deserve the bride.
If he didn't win, he didn't get the bride.
No problem for my Colin, ha!
[#]
MUNGO [OVER P.A.]: Welcome, one and all,
to the Highland Games.
Men have traveled from all four corners of this great country
to compete in feats of strength and agility.
But only one warrior will be man enough to claim the bride.
[BAGPIPES PLAYING "SCOTLAND THE BRAVE"]
One competitor who needs no introduction
is our very own Colin McMurray.
Doesn't my Colin look handsome? And coming up the rear,
all the way from America,
Hannah's maid of honor, Tom...
[CROWD WHISTLING]
...who I think you'll all agree
is wearing a rather fetching wee minikilt.
[LAUGHTER]
Who was in charge of that?
Uh, I have no idea.
WOMAN: Yeah, you're sexy!
[LAUGHTER]
[FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD'S "TWO TRIBES" PLAYING]
# When two tribes go to war #
# A point is all That you can score #
[GRUNTS]
MUNGO [OVER P.A.]: Everybody giving their all.
And we're running neck and neck.
A Scotsman against a Yank.
[GRUNTING]
Ladies and gentlemen, the result of today's Highland Games
rests upon the caber toss.
The competition is down to two competitors.
A tree. We're tossing a tree?
Yeah.
[GRUNTS]
What a toss! [CROWD CHEERS]
What a toss.
Way to go, Colin. He's strong.
Now, then, Tom. Let's see what you're made of.
The whole competition rests on this throw.
MAN: Look alive, lassie.
Come on, Tom. Oh, gosh.
[GRUNTS]
Okay, I can do this.
I can do this. Okay, here we go.
[GRUNTS]
Okay. Okay, okay. I got it. Whoa, whoa.
TOM: Okay. Okay. Here we go.
Here we go. Oh. Oh, oh, oh.
Watch your step. Watch your step. Watch your step. Oh.
[TOM GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS]
[GASPS]
Oh, dear. That's gonna cost the Yank the girl.
What an ass.
And the winner of the Highland Games is our very own
Colin McMurray!
[ALL CHEER] [BAGPIPES PLAY]
Ah, that's great.
COLIN: # O, my love is like a melody #
# That's sweetly played In tune #
# As fair art thou My bonnie lass #
# So deep in love am I #
# And I will love thee still My dear #
# Till all the seas gang dry #
# And I will love thee still #
# My dear #
# Though t'were 10,000 miles #
[APPLAUSE]
MUNGO: Well done, my boy. Well done.
That is so cute.
Well done, my boy.
[SPEAKING IN SCOT'S GAELIC]
Robert Burns, who wrote that song,
is Scotland's most famous poet.
Oh.
No, no, Auntie, we-- We haven't had any bairns yet,
so we haven't got any names. Bairns means children.
I'm so sorry, I'm having a hard time understanding your accent.
Athol. - Excuse me?
It's a name for the children.
Athol. - Athol.
Little Athol.
Yeah, no, we won't be naming our child Athol.
Maybe when he's a teenager.
My mother's third cousin was the Duke of Athol.
We're a long line of Athols.
Well, maybe-- Maybe we'll keep it in the mix, eh?
Maybe as a middle name? - Mm.
Mm-hm.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
So, Hannah, do you like the venison?
Mm, it's delicious.
Colin shot it.
He's a wonderful shot.
COLIN: Oh, stop, Mom, you'll make me blush.
And this is the moment, I've just remembered.
What moment's that?
When Colin killed the deer. I filmed it.
Hm. Oh.
Right between the eyes.
[GUNSHOT ON CAMERA] [GASPS]
In fact, everything we are eating this evening,
Colin has killed.
[ALL MURMURING CHEERS]
MAN: Colin. HILARY: To Colin.
In your honor, Hannah.
That is so thoughtful.
I'm so sorry I didn't kill anything for you.
Oh, gosh. Mm. What did you get?
Um, I think-- Oh, I love chocolate.
Uh...
Don't-- Don't do that.
Um, if you want some...
Here. Give you some.
Okay?
[LAUGHTER AND CHATTERING]
Excuse me. Hi.
Reverend.
Excuse me. Sorry to--
There you go.
A wonderful dinner. Delighted, Tom.
And your wife is looking for you.
Oh, thank you very much. Mm-hm.
Nice one. - Cheers.
Mm. A little birdie tells me
Colin personally slayed each one of these reindeer heads.
Tom. - You're right.
When I say a little birdie told me,
he would've told me, but Colin shot it.
Listen, seriously.
Can we go somewhere private and talk?
It's important.
Yeah.
Shall we go?
[BAGPIPES PLAYING "YE BANKS AND BRAES O' BONNIE DOON"]
Oh. Bagpipes.
Oh, my God.
Do you know, he's been playing the bagpipes
ever since he was 3 years old. Practices every night.
Every night?
Oh, never misses. - Hm.
What kind of necklace is that?
They're glow-in-the-dark thunder beads.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Oh, hi, Mom.
I have something for you.
Some evening, huh?
Yes.
This is so you can have a little piece of home with you.
Thank you.
JOAN: Oh, look at you.
There's you and Melissa.
You were about 5 there.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, do you remember this?
It was taken at the lake when your father broke his arm
because of that silly motorcycle of his.
I miss Dad so much.
Me too, sweetheart.
I just wish he could've been here.
He was always so worried I was never gonna meet anyone.
JOAN: Oh, no, he wasn't.
HANNAH: Oh, that's Paris.
He could be so off-base sometimes.
What?
Well, it's just he was always convinced
that you were gonna marry Tom.
Really?
Hm.
I'll see you in the morning.
Good night, my angel.
FELIX [ON PHONE]: It's pulling off a Band-Aid.
You just have to close your eyes and do it.
I just-- I just haven't found the right time.
What are you talking about, "right time"?
Any time is the right time to say "I love you. Marry me."
[SIGHS] Right.
Come on, what are you there for, man?
Take the shot, win the game and bring her home.
And stop running up my long-distance phone bill
with these crazy calls.
Right. Right, right, okay. Thanks, Felix.
Okay, come on. You can do this, Tom.
You can do this, you can do this.
What's wrong with me? You can do this. You can do this.
[#]
Hey. - Hey.
Hey, I thought we could go for a walk and, uh,
work on the vows.
Good idea. I could use some help. - Yeah.
Good, okay.
HANNAH: What do you think? TOM: I think a lot of things.
HANNAH: I've been working on them, I think they're getting worse.
At first I went for the emotion, then I thought,
what if Colin doesn't? TOM: Yeah.
Then I tried to be funny. Well, I don't know if Scots
have the same sense of humor as Americans.
So now I'm back to something basic.
I veered off into something boring.
I'm crazy about you. I think about you all the time.
And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Really?
Really.
That's so generic.
Generic? Generic? - Yeah.
It totally is. - How can that be generic?
It sounds like something somebody's supposed to say
as opposed to what you're really feeling.
All right, how about, uh...
[#]
Nobody in the world makes me laugh the way you do.
You're my best friend.
I just want to be with you.
[GIRLS SHOUTING] [METAL CLANKING]
STEPHANIE: Look out, look out, look out!
There she is! Hannah, let's go!
What is this?
This is her "taking out." - Her what?
Oh, no. - We dress her up
and then we parade around one of the pubs.
That's weird. - It's tradition.
Then we fill a toilet with salt
and we sell your kisses for change.
They sell your kisses?
Yup.
STEPHANIE: Come on, it's like a Scottish bachelorette party.
[THE FRATELLIS' "HENRIETTA" PLAYING]
# Henrietta We got no flowers for you #
STEPHANIE: Okay, come on.
# We know you love us And you probably do #
# Although your husband... #
[ALL CHEERING]
All right, let's sell some kisses!
It's her taking out.
She's got the breath of an angel.
[ALL CHEERING]
Whew.
[CLAPPING]
Hey! - Hey.
Whoo-hoo!
All right, all right...
[LAUGHING]
Oh! Another.
Another.
Thank you!
Mwah.
This is it. This is all I have.
[CHANGE CLINKS]
[GULPS, COUGHS]
MELISSA: Oh, my gosh, you guys!
HILARY: Don't drop the pot.
We have to get more kisses!
Kisses!
[ALL CHEERING]
STEPHANIE: Kisses! Whoo!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Whoa! I can't take it anymore.
What are you doing? - Let's do it again.
No. - For old times' sake.
Don't-- Don't take that off.
No, Tom, I need to make this up to you.
Don't take this-- [MOANS]
[DRUNKENLY] No, I'm really unhappy.
That's fine-- No. - Tom--
That's okay. I'm not happy at all.
What? Stop it. Ow!
And I am in a really,
really confusing place
in my life right now. - No, no, no, no, no.
[MOANS]
Confusing?
Listen, I have had some whiskey.
I can tell.
And I need you to service me.
Service you? Service you?
Service me, bitch! [GRUNTS]
Service me!
TOM [WHISPERING]: Be quiet. Be quiet.
MELISSA: You be quiet. TOM: Get off of me. Get down.
MELISSA: Shh! TOM: Get down.
MELISSA: You get down. TOM: Just be quiet.
[WHISPERING] Quiet. [LOUDLY] You be quiet!
[YELPS] No!
Get off!
[SCREAMS, LAUGHS]
Wait!
Wait...
Hannah--
Bring me more whiskeys.
[WHISPERING] Hannah.
It's Tom, let me in.
Let me in.
Go away, Tom.
No, no, no, let me explain. It's not what you think.
It doesn't matter now.
Yes, it does. Why did you come--?
Just go. - I'll go.
Just tell me, why did you come to my room?
Hannah?
Why did you come to the room?
To talk about that kiss.
[SIGHS]
Oh, Hannah.
Please don't--
Don't marry him.
All these years, Tom. - Don't marry him.
All this time.
You're doing this now?
I know.
How can you do this?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just let me in.
No, I can't.
Let me in.
You're only doing this now
because you're afraid of losing me.
I need someone who's gonna be there for me
no matter what happens.
Someone who truly loves me.
Someone I can trust.
I'm marrying Colin tomorrow.
Tom.
[OASIS' "STOP CRYING YOUR HEART OUT" PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
# Hold on #
# Don't be scared #
I can't be your maid of honor.
I can't give you away.
# May your smile #
COLIN: I'm sorry, Hannah.
# Shine on #
I'm sorry you and Tom had a fight.
I'm his best friend.
He's just afraid of losing me.
[CAR STARTS]
He'll get over it.
Aye.
# 'Cause all of the stars #
# Have faded away #
# Just try not to worry #
# You'll see them someday #
# Take what you need #
# And be on your way #
# And stop crying Your heart out #
STEPHANIE: Just suck it. Suck it.
HILARY: Okay, okay. I am.
STEPHANIE: Suck it in. Breathe in. More.
HILARY: Hold it. Give me a hand.
Oh!
I'll hold, you zip.
Okay, okay. Come on.
ALL: One, two, three!
It didn't-- Oh! - Oh.
Oh, my God, it fits. - It fits!
Oh, it fits! [ALL CHEERING]
Up top.
Oh--! Oh--! Oh--!
# 'Cause all of the stars #
# Have faded away #
# Just try not to worry #
# You'll see them someday #
# Just take what you need #
# And be on your way #
# And stop crying Your heart out #
[BLEATING] # We're all of the stars #
TOM: Why are we stopping?
Unruly flock.
What?
# Just try not to worry #
# You'll see us someday #
# Just take what you need #
# And be on your way #
# And stop crying Your heart out #
Hi, sweetie.
# Stop crying your heart out #
[DOG BARKS]
[SHEEP BLEATING]
I remember you.
Hey.
[WHIMPERS]
I love you too.
Thank you.
Turn around.
I have to go back.
[#]
Oh, no.
Shit. Shit! Shit!
Hey! I need another ferry boat.
We've only got the one ferry. - What?
It's waiting over there for the ceremony to finish.
[BREATHING HEAVILY] Oh!
Is there another way to get there?
You can drive.
Drive. How long?
It'd take about an hour and a half.
That's too long. You can swim.
Or you can go on foot around the shore.
But that would take a wee while.
Shore. Foot.
[HORSE WHINNYING]
A horse.
Hey, I need your horse.
My horse? - Yes.
Hey, come down from there, you.
I need to get to the church.
What do you think you're planning?
You'll hurt yourself.
I'll give you 3 cents for every coffee collar used.
You have any idea how much money that is?
Ah, good luck to you. Her name's Nancy.
Thanks! Nancy. Go! I'll see you there.
TOM: Come on! Giddyup.
[WHINNYING]
TOM: Hyah! Hyah!
Stick to the shoreline!
Past the monument. The church is on the left!
What in the name of the wee man
is a coffee collar?
Ho, easy. Ho!
Whoa-- Whoa-- Oh!
Oh!
Let's just pin these nice pressed pleats.
And it goes across the dress. It looks really beautiful.
It's our tartan.
Hyah, hyah!
TOM: Hyah! Hyah! [WHINNYING]
That's it.
Please be seated.
[CLOTH RIPPING]
FOOTE: We are gathered here together
in the sight of God...
[WHISPERING] Boys, give me your pins.
FOOTE:...to join together this man and this--
Hyah, hyah.
This is a celebration of love.
For Colin, it's through the memories
of seeing his parents' love as a child.
It's very nice.
FOOTE: And for Hannah,
it's through the paintings of Modigliani.
Therefore, if any man can show just cause...
Ho, whoa, ho!
[WHINNIES]
...let him now speak,
or forever hold his peace.
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS]
Tom?
Tom? Tom?
Tom.
[GROANS]
Tom! - Ow!
Are you okay?
Yeah, I think so.
Tom, what are you doing here?
Oh,
I have to tell you something.
Yeah.
Hannah...
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
...your hair looks awful.
It does?
Yeah. - What?
The sash,
it sucks.
Oh, no.
TOM: But that hair.
It's like a co-op for parakeets.
What?
Look, Hannah.
You know, I pride myself on being honest with everybody.
But there's somebody I've been lying to
for a very long time:
myself.
Because the truth is--
Is scary.
And 10 years ago,
I got in bed with the wrong girl.
She turned out to be the right one.
I love you, Hannah.
I always have.
And I always will.
Thomas Bailey,
you are the worst maid of honor of all time.
[ALL GASP]
Oh, no.
I'm...
so...
very truly sorry.
I don't expect you to ever forgive me.
[SIGHS]
Just so you know,
you are the perfect guy.
Just not the perfect guy for me.
Goodbye, Hannah.
Colin.
[SPEAKING GAELIC]
What'd she say?
She said I should deck you.
Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
[EVERYONE GASPS]
Asshole.
[ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
[#]
HANNAH: I do.
FOOTE: And, Tom, do you take Hannah
to be your lawfully wedded wife?
TOM: I do.
FOOTE: Now, this is the moment.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
At last, you may kiss your bride.
[ALL CHEER]
[LAUGHS]
Oh!
[SQUEALS]
Oh, my gosh.
Number six? - Seven.
You're absolutely glowing tonight, Grandma Pearl.
Thank you.
It's very nice of you to say so.
# We watch the season #
# Pull up it's own stage #
# And catch The last weekend... #
[TOM GROANS]
HANNAH: What are you doing?
I'm just making sure I got the right girl this time.
You do. Definitely.
Oh, Monica.
Oh, Bill.
# And from the ballroom floor #
# We are in celebration #
# One good stretch Before our hibernation #
# Our dreams assured #
# And we all Will sleep well #
# Sleep well #
# You have stolen #
# You have stolen my #
# Heart #
# Watch you spin around In your highest heels #
# You are the best one Of the best ones #
# And we all look like #
# We feel #
# You have stolen my #
# Heart #
[#]