>> ERIC!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING AWAKE? IT'S PAST YOUR BED TIME.
>> I'M SCARED. I THINK THERE'S A BOOGIEMAN IN MY CLOSET.
>> ERIC, THERE'S NO BOOGIEMAN IN YOUR CLOSET.
HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING THE NEWS AGAIN? >> YEAH.
>> YOU CAN'T WATCH THAT STUFF, BUD. IT'S TOO GROWN-UP.
>> THEY SAID THEY'RE GOING TO INDICT YOU.
>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, PAL,
BUT HEY, I'M IMPRESSED YOU KNOW WHAT INDT MEANS!
>> YEAH, INDICT, THERE'S NO SUGAR IN DIET COKE.
>> ALMOST, BUT YOU'LL GET IT.
HEY, HOW ABOUT A BEDTIME STORY? >> OKAY.
>> OH, HERE WE GO, 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS." THIS IS A CLASSIC.
REMEMBER, IF THERE'S EVER A WORD YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, BUD, JUST SAY STOP.
>> OKAY. >> OKAY.
>> 'TWAS A --
>> 'TWAS,HAT'S THE WORDS IT AND WAS PUT TOGETHER, BUDDY.
IT'S A CONTRACTION. >> STOP. >> OKAY.
CONTRACTION IS -- YOU KNOW WHAT, LES JUST KEEP READING, OKAY?
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE,
NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING, NOT EVEN A MOUSE.
>> YOU HEAR THAT, DAD? THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY CLOSET.
>> BUT THAT'S JUST THE CHEAP STEEL DAD USES TO BUILD HIS TOWERS.
AND IT'S BLOWING IN THE WIND.
LOOK, BUDDY, NOTHING IN THE CLOSET.
SEE, NO ONE'S IN YOUR CLOSET.
>> ROBERT MUELLER'S IN THERE!
>> ERIC, NOBODY LIKES A FIBBER.
OOPS, OKAY, I'M SORRY, BUD. THIS IS MY LAWYER, I NEED TO TAKE THIS.
LOOK, ERIC, EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE FINE, OKAY? LOVE YOU, BUDDY.
>> LOVE YOU. >> ALL RIGHT.
HEY, HOW BAD IS IT?
UH-HUH, OH, GOD! UH-HUH.
BUT CAN I FLIP ON HIM? OKAY.
>> NIGHT, DON.
>> HI, ERIC.
DON'T BE SCARED.
IT'S JUST ME, ROBERT MUELLER, YOUR DAD'S FRIEND FROM WORK.
>> I'M NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO YOU. >> THAT'S FINE, ERIC.
IT WAS PRETTY CLEAR EARLY ON THAT YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. >> NOPE.
>> I WISH I COULD SAY THE ME FOR SOME OF YOUR BAD'S FRIENDS.
>> MR. FAN-A-FART. >> MANAFORT.
>> MR. POP -- >> POPOLOPODUS.
>> MR. COHEN? >> YOU MIGHT WANT TO START CALLING HIM
FEDERAL INMATE 10358.
GET IT, ERIC? >> NOPE.
>> WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE LAUGHING BUT THIS IS SERIOUS.
THAT DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO VISIT YOUR FAMILY.
>> OH, NO. THAT'S -- THAT'S NOT GOOD.
BUT, HEY, NO ONE KNOWS THE FULL STORY YET.
YOU S WHAT I PUT ON. IT'S ALL BEEN HEAVILY REDACTED.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT REDACTED IS? >> UH-HUH.
LIKE WHEN MY DAD CALLED JEFF SESSIONS MENTALLY REDACTED.
>> YEAH, YEAH, THAT WAS FUN.
BUT, ERIC, I JUST CAME HERE TO LET YOU KNOW, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,
NO MATTER WHAT HAPNS AMERICA IS GOING TO BE JUST FINE.
THIS IS A COUNTRY FULL OF GOOD PEOPLE.
>> YEAH. GOOD PEOPLE LIKE MY DAD.
>> LET'S PUT A PIN IN THAT.
>> MR. MUELLER, PEOPLE SAY YOU'RE THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO MY DA
>> NO, ERIC, GETTING ELECTED WAS THE WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOUR DAD.
AND -- >> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
MUSICAL GUEST -- MUMFORD & SONS.
AND YOUR HT JASON MOMOA.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- JASON MOMOA.
>> ALOHA!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'M SO MUSCULAR TO BE HOSTING SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, HUGE!
IT'S SUCH AN HONOR TO BE ON THIS STAGE.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW, I HAVE BEEN AN "SNL" SUPER NERD
MY ENTIRE LIFE.
AND THERE WAS A TIME WHEN I ACTUALLY WANTED TO QUICK ACTING,
I WANTED TO MOVE TO NEW YORK AND TRY TO GET CAST ON "SNL."
UNFORTUNATELY, I GOT SIDETRACKED BY A MASSIVELY SUCCESSFUL CAREER,
AND I'M PLAYING AQUAMAN.
BUT NOW I'M HERE! AND I'M HOSTING.
I MEAN, THIS IS PROBABLY ONE OF THE GREATEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE,
RIGHT AFTER HAVING BEAUTIFUL KIDS
AND MARRYING MY RED HOT SMOKING WIFE, MISS BONET.
COME ON, JASE, PULL IT TOGETHER.
IF YOU CRY, IT WILL RAIN IN HAWAII.
YOU KNOW WHAT, IF IT'S OKAY, I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE A SECOND, SAVOR THIS MOMENT.
ELI, IF YOU CAN PLAY THAT SONG I WROTE.
♪ THIS IS MY MOMENT I'M TAKING IT
THIS IS MY MOMENT ♪
♪ I'M THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD ♪
OKAY, GREAT.
THANKS, BUD.
THIS WEEKEND HAS BEEN AMAZING.
I WAS SO NERVO TO MEET THE CAST.
AND FOR SOME REASON, THEY'VE BEEN ASKING ME TO DO ALL THESE WEIRD LITTLE FAVORS.
>> HI, JASON!
>> HI, AIDY.
>> WOULD YOU MIND OPENING THIS JAR WHILE LOOKING AT ME DIRECTLY IN THE EYES?
>> SURE.
>> OH, THAT'S GOING TO BE I THINK I LOVE YOU, BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. THANK YOU.
>> BYE-BYE, AIDY.
>> OH, YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY. IS THIS FOR A SKETCH?
>> I'LL GET TO THAT. LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING,
DOES AQUAMAN HAVE A THEMESONG?
>> NOT REALLY. THERE'S MUSIC IN THE MOVIE BUT IT'S NOT REALLY A THEME.
>> COOL, COOL.
>> WE HAD AN IDEA. YOU EVER HEARD OF "AQUA BOOGIE" BY PARLIAMENT?
>> NOT REALLY.
>> YOU KNOW, LIKE GEORGE CLINTON? P-FUNK? >> NOPE.
>> FROM THE 1978 ALBUM "MOTOR BOOTY AFFAIR."
>> SORRY, I NEVER HEARD OF IT.
>> Together: WHAT?
>> IT'S PERFECT FOR "AQUAMAN." CHECK THIS OUT.
♪ AQUA BOOGIE BABY
NEVER LEARNED TO SWIM
UNDERWATER BOOGIE BABY ♪
Can't catch the rhythm of the stroke
♪ AQUA BOOGIE BABY
WHY SHOULD I HOLD MY BREATH
♪ AQUA BOOGIE BABY
FEELING THAT MIGHT CHOKE ♪
>> HOLD ON, HOLD ON. >> WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THAT, MAN?
>> WELL, I MEAN IT'S A COOL SONG. DID YOU JUST SAY THAT NEVER LEARN HOW TO SWIM?
>> YEP, I SURE DID. >> YEAH, THAT'S HOW THE SONG GOES. YOU CAN CHECK OUT THE LYRICS IF YOU NEED TO.
>> I MEAN SO IT'S A SONG ABOUT SOMEONE WHO CAN'T SWIM?
>> ABSOLUTELY. >> NO DOUBT. NO DOUBT. >> ABSOLUTELY.
>> WELL, I'M AQUAMAN. AND THE WHOLE THING IS HE CAN SWIM REALLY WELL.
BUT IT'S ABOUT THE FEELING, MAN! YOU GOT TO GIVE IT A TRY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? JUST READ WHAT'S ON THE CUE CARD!
COME ON, MAN. >> PUT THAT GLASS IN, DOG.
Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadooloop
The motion picture's underwater, starring most of you-loops
AQUA BOOGIE BABY
NEVER LEARNED TO SWIM ♪
♪ UNDERWATER BOOGIE BABY
CAN'T GET THE RHYTHM OF THE STROKE ♪
♪ AQUA BOOGIE BABY
WHY SHOULD I HOLD MY BREATH
UNDERWATER BOOGIE BABY ♪
♪ FEELING THAT I MIGHT CHOKE ♪
Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadooloops
>> WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! MUMFORD & SONS IS HERE.
STICK AROUND, MAN, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> DURING THE CHRISTMAS SEASON, SANTA SENDS AN ELF TO EVERY CHILD'S HOME
TO SEE IF THEY'RE BEING NAUGHTY OR NICE.
ALL DAY THEY WATCH THEIR CHILD, NEVER BLINKING AND NEVER MOVING,
AND EACH NIGHT THEY RETURN TO THE NORTH POLE TO REPORT BACK TO SANTA.
WELCOME BACK ELVES ON SHELVES!
I HOPE YOU'VE BEEN GOOD AT KEEPING AN EYE ON YOUR CHILDREN.
>> YES, SANTA!
>> WONDERFUL. DOTTIE, HOW HAS LITTLE ELIZABETH BEEN THIS YEAR?
>> SHE'S BEEN A VERY GOOD GIRL, SANTA.
SHE'S LISTENING TO HER PARENTS AND DOING HER ORES
>> SPLENDID!
AND HOW IS LITTLE MATTHEW, DEEDLE BEEP?
>> WELL, HE DIDN'T WANT TO EAT HIS VEGETABLES AT DINNER. >> OH, NO.
>> BUT THEN HE DID AND HE LIKED THEM! >> HOORAY!
WHAT ABOUT YOUNG MARSHALL, SCRABBY?
>> I WANT A NEW KID, SANTA.
>> BUT WHY? YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING MARSHALL FOR 13 YEARS.
>> THINGS HAVE CHANGED THIS YEAR.
HE FIGURED OUT HE COULD DO A CERTAIN THING WITH HIS BODY.
NOW HE WON'T STOP DOING IT.
>> I HOPE HE'S NOT FIGHTING WITH HIS LITTLE BROTHER. THAT WOULD BE VERY NAUGHTY INDEED
>> NO. IT'S DEFINITELY A SOLO ACTIVITY.
AND CONSIDERING I CAN'T CLOSE MY EYES, I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO SIT DOWN ANDATCHIM DO IT.
AND HE DOES IT A LOT.
>> HMM. WELL, IS WHAT HE'S DOING NAUGHTY OR IS IT NICE?
>> IT'S NOT REALLY EITHER, SANTA.
>> THAT'S SILLY, SCRABBY. ALL ELVES KNOW THAT EVERYTHING HUMANS DO IS EITHER NAUGHTY OR NICE.
>> IT ISN'T SO BLACK AND WHITE, DEEDLE BEE.
IT'S JUST A THING HUMANS DO, YOU KNOW, THEY GO INSANE FOR A WHILE AND THEY DO ITONST.
PLEASE, SANTA, COULD I HAVE ANOTHER KID?
>> BUT MARSHALL LOVES YOU, SCRABBY. >> I KNOW.
BUT SOMETIMES HE LOOKS AT ME WHEN HE'S DOING IT, AND I THINK HE'S MAKING ME A PART OF IT.
>> LUCKY YOU, SCRABBY.
NOW WHAT DOES EACH OF YOUR CHILDREN WANT FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?
>> A TRAIN SET. >> A NEW SOCCER BALL.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
>> OH, SCRABBY, CERTAINLY MARSHALL WANTS SOMETHING FROM SANTA.
LET'S SEE WHAT'S ON MY LIST.
OH, SCRABBY, YOU SPELLED FLASHLIGHT WRONG!
>> I WISH THAT WERE THE CASE, SANTA.
>> WELL, IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE HE WANTS?
>> I MEAN, I GUESS SOME SOFT SOCKS?
THEN HE SHALL HAVE THE SOFTEST SOCKS IN THE LAND.
>> WELL, THEY'RE NOT GOING TO STAY THAT WAY, SANTA.
>> SCRABBY, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU DON'LIKE MARSHALL ANYMORE?
>> NO, I DO. 13 IS JUST A -- IT'S A CONFUSING AGE.
>> WHATEVER DO YOU MEAN?
>> I DON'T KNOW, HE LIKE, LOOKS AT HIS BODY
AND HE HAS LIKE, LITTLE BOBBIES AND HE SQUEEZES REAL HARD
BECAUSE HE HATES THEM AND HE'S MAD AT THEM AND HE'S LIKE, OH, GO AWAY.
>> OH, MY, THAT'S ODD. YEAH, YEAH.
PLEASE, LISTEN, CAN I PLEASE HAVE ANOTHER KID?
>> OH, I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING. YOU'RE UPSET HE'S GROWING UP.
>> HE GREW UP, SANTA. THAT'S DONE.
>> DON'T BE SAD, SCRABBY. EVERY KID STOPS BELIEVING IN US SOME DAY.
BUT THEN THEY HAVE KIDS OF THEIR OWN AND THE MAGIC STARTS AGAIN!
>> I DON'T KNOW IF MARSHALL'S GOING TO HAVE ANYTHING LEFT IN HIS TANK BY THEN.
>> WELL, I CAN'T WAIT TO VISIT ALL YOUR CHILDREN AND BRING THEM CHRISTMAS CHEER.
>> YEAH, WELL, JUST MAKE A LOT OF NOISE WHEN YOU GET TO MARSHALL'S HOUSE.
HE'LL STOP FOR A FEW SECONDS IF HE HEARS SOMETHING COMING.
>> OH, SCRABBY, YOU'RE A SILLY ELF.
NOW BACK TO YOUR CHILDREN.
HONEY, HOW DO YOU KEEP THE HOUSE SO CLEAN?
>> A LADY NEVER TELLS.
>> A WOMAN'S WORK IS DONE BETTER WITH GE HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.
>> TIMES CHANGE.
AND THESE DAYS, WOMEN ARE THE PRIMARY BREADWINNERS IN 50% OF AMERICAN HOMES
AND THAT MEANS HOUSE WORK IS A MAN'S JOB.
SO GIVE HIM THE TOOLS TO GET THE JOB DONE RIGHT WITH GE'S NEW BIG BOY HOME APPLIANCES.
LIKE THE BIG BOY DISHWASHER,
FEATURING A 70-POUND STEEL DOOR.
>> I'D LIKE TO SEE A WOMAN DO THAT.
>> AND HEY, SHE MAY HAVE CLIMBED THE CORPORATE LADDER.
BUT SHE'LL NEED AN ACTUAL LADDER TO USE THE BIG BOY WASHING MACHINE
BECAUSE THAT SUCKER IS SIX FEET TALL.
DIRTY FLOORS DON'T STAND A CHANCE AGAINST THE BIG BOY RIDE-ON VACUUM CLEANER.
THAT'S 240 HORSEPOWER. PURE CHORE TORQUE.
WITH THE DETACHABLE SPOT REMOVER THAT ABSOLUTELY ANNIHILATED AINS.
ALL GE BIG BOY APPLIANCES HAVE AN ENERGY STAR RATING OF F-MINUS.
BECAUSE THEY RUN ON GAS.
SO MAN UP THIS HOLIDAY SEASON AND ASK YOUR WIFE TO BUY YOU
GE BIG BOY HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.
>> WOW, HOW DID YOU GET IT SO CLEAN IN HERE?
>> OH, SORRY, BABE, A GUY NEVER TELLS.
>> GE BIG BOY APPLIANCES.
dothraku
ghost dojo
welcome to ghost dojo
TO SOME OF THE HUNDREDS OF "GAME OF THRONES" CHARACTERS WHO HAVE BEEN KILLED OFF THE SHOW.
I AM ZERBO, BLOODWRITER TO THE GREAT CARL HIMSELF.
CARL, HOW ARE YOU FEELING TONIGHT?
>> ALL RIGHT. SO, CARL IS NOT THE BIGGEST TALKER
BUT HE'S A COOL DUDE WHEN YOU GET TO KNOW HIM.
DO YOU GOT ANY FUN PLANS FOR THE WEEKEND, KARL?
iron
stone houses
>> COOL. CO, CO, CO, CO, COOL.
VERY STILL. VERY COOL.
YOU MIND CLOSING YOUR LEGS A LITTLE BIT THERE, KARL?
EVER HEARD OF THE TERM MAN SPREADING?
YOU NEVER KNOW HOW FAST THEY'LL KILL OFF A CHARACTER!
AND I'M BACK.
REVIVED BY A WITCH.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S START THE SHOW AND MEET OUR FIRST GHOST.
FIRST GHOST.
HE SACRIFICED HIS LIFE TO SAVE BRANDON MIRA.
PLEASE WELCOME, HODOR!
>> HODOR.
WHAT'D YOU DO? HODOR.
WHY?
WHAT'D YOU DO? HODOR.
>> OKAY, THAT WAS GREAT. THANKS FOR STOPPING BY, HODOR.
REALLY GLAD THAT WE GOT YOU TWO TOGETHER.
HEY, WOULD YOU MIND HOLDING THE DOOR FOR OUR NEXT GUEST?
>> HOLD THE DOOR? HOLD THE DOOR! HOLD THE DOOR!
HODOR! >> THANKS, HODOR.
>> YEAH, PLEASE, NO TROLE A ALL. NO TROUBLE.
>> ALL RIGHT. OUR NEXT GUEST WAS A RELIGIOUS ZEALOT
WHO LED THE FACE OF THE SEPTON UNTIL HE GOT EXPLODED.
PLEASE WELCOME THE HIGH SPARROW.
>> SHAME, AME.
I'M GLAD.
whenever
many
>> AND WE ENDED UP IN THE SAME HEAVEN!
IT ALMOST MAKES YOU QUESTION RELIGION.
>> WELL, HEY, YOU RAN THAT WHOLE TEAM.
>> YOU NO LIKE TEAM?
don't
>> YOU RUINED MY POTATO SACK!
>> WOW. OKAY.
I ACTUALLY NEED TO SAVE A LITTLE BIT OF THAT MOLTEN GOLD TO MAKE A FRIENDSHIP BRACELET,
BUT NO WORRIES, I GUESS.
>> THERE IS DANGER. WHERE ARE THE STARK CHILDREN?
ARYA, SAA, T CRIPPLE IN THE SLED.
>> WAIT, BRIENNE OF TARTH? ARE YOU EVEN DEAD?
I MEAN, THE SHOW'S BEEN OUT FOR SO LONG, I'M HONESTLY ASKING.
>> I HAVE SWORN A BLOOD OATH TO FIND AND PROTECT THE STAR CHILDREN WHEREVER THEY MAY BE.
MAN
>> MAN, WOW, YOU HAVE A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT IDENTITY POLITICS.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT. KHAL NEEDS TO LEARN FROM KHAL'S MISTAKES OR KHAL NEVER WINS OSCAR.
KHAL NEVER HOLDS OSCAR.
>> WOW, WHAT A TEACHABLE MOMENT, YEAH.
NOW A QUICK WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS.
>> KHAL DROGO'S GHOST DOJO IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY LITTLE BEARD TWISTIES.
WANT TO KEEP YOUR BEARD NEAT BUT STILL LOOSE D CRAZY?
LITTLE BEARD TWISTIES.
AND REMEMBER THE RED WEDDING?
WELL, THAT VENUE IS NOW OPEN FOR YOUR WEDDING.
WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF IT HAPPENING TWICE?
WE'VE CLEANED UP ALMOST ALL OF THE BLOOD AND HIRED A NEW WEDDING PLANNER.
DOTHRAKI WARDROBE PROVIDED BY DEAD HORSES.
WHEN A HORSE DIES, YOU WIN.
AND IF YOU LIKE ELF ON A SHELF, GET READY FOR KHAL ON THE WALL.
HE KNOWS WHEN YOU'VE BEEN NAUGHTY AND HE'LL KILL YOU.
>> OKAY, WE ARE BACK.
KHAL IS JUST EATING RIBS, WHICH MEAN TIME FOR OUR FINAL GUEST.
HE'S THE WORST AND EVERYONE'S GLAD HE'S DEAD.
PLEASE WELCOME, KING JOFFREY!
>> GO AHEAD AND BOO ME. I LOVE IT.
YOU'RE ALL JUST MAD YOU'RE NOT ME.
BUT CATCH ME OUTSIDE! I SAID CATCH ME OUTSIDE!
>> MANYOU E JUST DESPISED.
>> THEY THINK THEY CANNOT HANDLE ALL OF THIS. - thank you
I FEED OFF THE HATERS.
>> ALL RIGHT, NOW, JOFFREY, YOU WERE POISONED TO DEATH, CORRECT?
>> HUH, WHATEVER.
>> WELL, WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT THE WOMAN WHO POISONED YOU IS HERE TONIGHT?
OLENNA TYRELL, GET OUT HERE!
>> OH, I KNOW YOU!
>> I'M ABOUT TO KILL YOU AGAIN
>> LET'S BREAK IT UP! LET'S BREAK IT UP.
>> LET'S TAKE A BREAK. WHEN WE COME BACK, WE WILL SEE THE RESULTS OF OUR BIG MAKEOVER.
HERE'S WHAT OBERYN MARTELL LOOKED LIKE AFTER THE MOUNTAIN GOUGED OUT HIS EYES AND CRUSHED HIS SKULL.
AND HERE'S WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE NOW.
THAT'S RIGHT. RIGHT HERE ON KHAL DROGO'S GHOST DOJO!
>> AND, HEY, STAY TUNED AFTER THE SHOW FOR "TALKING DOJO,"
WHERE WE DISSECT EVERYTHING THAT JUST HAPPENED IN THE GHOST DOJO.
>> NO MORE AFTER SHOWS!
>> BEST TIP EVER!
MR. PRESIDENT, THE PROSECUTION'S CLOSING IN.
I'M AFRAID IT MIGHT BE OVER.
>> OH, IT'S NOT OVER. NOT BY A LONG SHOT.
WE'LL BEAT THIS.
OR MY NA ISN'T DIUS TRUMP.
>> FROM THE PRODUCERS OF -- EMPIRE,
IT'S "THEM TRUMPS."
THE FIRST SHOW TO ASK THE QUESTION, WHAT IF DONALD TRUMP WAS BLACK?
DARIUS TRUMP, HIS WIFE MALIKA,
DARIUS JR., AND LAVANKA.
TOGETHER THEY ARE "THEM TRUMPS."
>> SIR, THEY KNOW EVERYTHING. THEY KW ABT RUSSIA.
THEY KNOW YOU USED CAMPAIGN MONEY TO COVER UP AN AFFAIR WITH MAGIC CITY STRIPPER CINNAMON MERCEDES.
AND THEY KNOW ABOUT THE PYRAMID SCHEME YOU HAVE BEEN RUNNING THROUGH YOUR CPANY,
DARIUS TRUMP COUNTRY HAMS.
>> DAD, THE MEDIA HAS BEEN OUT FOR YOU SINCE DAY ONE AND YOU PROVED THEM ALL WRONG.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, NOBODY EVER THOUGHT YOU WOULD GET THIS FAR.
THE BANKRUPTCIES, YOUR BABY MAMA.
BUT HERE YOU ARE ON TOP.
>> YEAH. MAYBE I DONE SOME DIRTY THINGS.
I'M MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.
AND WHAT THESE FEDS DON'T REALIZE IS THAT I'M THE PRESIDENT!
THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE MOST RESPECTED OFFICE IN THE WORLD.
THEY CAN'T LIKE ME. AND EVEN THOUGH I MAY BE BLACK --
>> FREEZE, TRUMP, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! >> YEAH, THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
>> ON THE NEXT "THEM TRUMPS."
>> ALL HAIL THE CHIEF.
>> DAD, YOU'RE BACK.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. THERE'S ONLY ONE ROOM IN AMERICA.
YOU CAN'T PROSECUTE A SITTING PRESIDENT.
IT'S CALLED CHECKS AND BALANCES BABY,
AND EVEN THOUGH I'M BLACK --
>> YOU'VE BEEN IMPEACHED. >> YEAH, I WAS WAITING ON THAT.
ladies
Guiding Light
all day PERMANENT RED
THE GLAZE ON MY EYES
♪HEN HEARD YOUR VOICE
THE DISTANCE CAUGHT ME BY SURPRISE AGAIN ♪
♪ AND I KNOW YOU CLAIM
THAT YOU'RE ALRIGHT ♪
♪ BUT FIX YOUR EYES ON ME
I GUESS I'M ALL YOU HAVE
AND I SWEAR WE'LL SEE THE DAWN AGAIN ♪
♪ CAUSE I KNOW I HAD IT ALL ON THE LINE
BUT DON'T JUST SIT WITH FOLDED HANDS ♪ ♪ AND BECOME BLIND
CAUSE EVEN WHEN THERE NO AR IN SIGHT ♪
♪ YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY ONLY GUIDING LIGHT ♪
♪ RELATE TO MY YOUTH
I'M STILL IN AWE OF YOU
DISCOVER SOME NEW TRUTH ♪
♪ THAT WAS ALWAYS WRAPPED AROUND YOU ♪
♪ DON'T JUST SLIP AWAY
IN THE NIGHT
DON'T JUST HURL
YOUR WORDS FROM ON HIGH ♪
♪ CAUSE I KNOW I HAD IT ALL ON THE LINE
BUT DON'T JUST SIT WITH FOLDED HANDS ♪ ♪ ANDECOMBLIND
CAUSE EVEN WHEN THERE IS NO STAR IN SIGHT ♪
♪ YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY ONLY GUIDING LIGHT ♪
♪ IF WE COME BACK AND WE'RE BROKEN
UNWORTHY AND ASHAMED ♪
♪ GIVE US SOMETHING TO BIEVE IN
AND YOU KNOW WE'LL GO YOUR WAY ♪
♪ CAUSE I KNOW I HAD IT ALL ON THE LINE
BUT DON'T JUST SIT WITH FOLDED HANDS ♪ ♪ AND BECOME BLIND
CAUSE EVEN WHEN THERE IS NO STAR IN SIGHT ♪
♪ YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY ONLY GUIDING LIGHT ♪
♪ AND I KNOW I HAD IT ALL ON THE LINE
BUT DON'T JUST SIT WITH FOLDED HANDS ♪ ♪ AND BECOME BLIND
CAUSE EVEN WHEN THERE IS NO STAR IN SIGHT ♪
♪ YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY ONLY GUIDING LIGHT ♪
>> Announcer: IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
>>> THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'MOLIN JOST.
>>> THIS WEEK ROBERT MUELLER RELEASED THE TEASER TRAILER TRUMP: END GAME.
FEDERAL PROSECUTORS SAID FRIDAY THAT MICHAEL COHEN COMMITTED TWO ELECTION-RELATED CRIMES
AT THE DIRECTION OF PERSON IDENTIFIED AS "INDIVIDUAL-1."
NOW, WE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE WHO INDIVIDUAL-1 IS.
BUT LET'S JUST SAY THINGS ARE PRETTY TENSE RIGHT NOW OVER AT INDIVIDUAL-1 TOWER.
>>> EARLIER TODAY, TRUMP CALLED THE MUELLER REPORT "COLLUSION ILLUSION,"
WHICH IS ALSO MY FAVORITE GUNS 'N' ROSES ALBUM.
AND YESTERDAY TRUMP TWEETED -- WITH ZERO CONTEXT OR EXPLANATION --
"TOTALLY CLEARS THE PRESIDENT, THANK YOU."
SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE'S BEEN READING "THE SECRET."
NOW, I DON'T BLAME TRUMP FOR THINKING THAT HIS TWEETS ARE POWERFUL ENOUGH TO MAKE THINGS GO AWAY.
I MEAN, JUST THIS WEEK HIS TWEETS ABOUT CNA WERE ABLE TO TANK THE ENTIRE STOCK MARKET.
I MEAN IF SOMETHING YOU DOES GET EVERYBODY INDICTED, YOU WOULD THINK YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.
elf
not tweet
>>> TRUMP IS NOW CALLING FOR AN END TO THE MUELLER PROBE.
WHICH I MEAN, YOU GOT TO ADMIT, IS WORTH A SHOT.
I MEAN, YOU DON'T WANT TO GO ALL THE WAY TO PRISON AND THEN FIND OUT YOU COULD HAVE JUST CALLED IT OFF THE WHOLE TIME.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S THE FUN THING ABOUT WATCHING TRUMP BE PRESIDENT?
IT'S THAT HE TRIES THE THINGS THAT WOULD I TRY.
counter report
YOU BETTER HURRY UP. YOU ONLY GET ONE DAY ON THAT COMPUTER.
AND NOTHING MAKES YOU SEEM GUILTY THAN FILING A COUNTER REPORT BEFORE THE REPORT IS OUT.
bad
IT'S LIKE WATCHING "COPS" AND AS SOON AS THEY PULL OFF TO THE HOUSE
SAYING, FIRST OF ALL, SHE'S LYING.
>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID THAT JOHN KELLY WILL BE RETIRING TEND OF THE YEAR
BECAUSE HE REQUIRES EXTENSIVE SURGERY FROM THEALM TO HIS FACE.
THAT'S HOW DANGEROUS IT IS TO WORK IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
JOHN KELLY SPENT 40 YEARS IN THE MARINES,
HE DITHRETOURS IN IRAQ
AND HE COULDN'T FINISH ONE TOUR WITH DONALD TRUMP.
HE ALSO SAID HE'S DOING A REWITH WILLIAM BARR,
WHO SERVED AS ATTORNEY GENERAL FROM '91 TO '93.
A REBOOT OF SOMEONE WITH THE LAST NAME BARR WHO WAS BIG IN THE EARLY '90s?
WHAT COULD GO WRONG!
BARR WOULD REPLACE ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL MATTHEW WHITAKER,
WHO PREVIOUSLY SERVED AS THE BODY SUIT FOR KRANG.
>>> MEMORIAL SERVICES R PRESIDENT GEORGE H.W. BUSH WERE HELD THIS WEEK
AND MANY OBSERVERS SAID THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP LOOKED BORED.
BUT I THINK THAT TRUMP WAS JUST GETTING AN IDEA.
HE'S WAS THINKING, "WAIT, MAYBE BEFORE THE WHOLE MUELLER REPORT COMES OUT,
I SHOULD JU FAKE MY OWN DEATH AND ESCAPE TO THE LAST PLACE ANYONE WOULD EVER LOOK FOR ME --
MEXICO."
AND YOU KNOW THAT TRUMP WILL BE THE FIRST GUY TO EVER FAKE HIS OWN DEATH VIA TWEET.
sad
>>> WELL, IT'S ONE OF THE BUSIEST TRAVEL TIMES OF THE YEAR.
SO HERE WITH HER HOLIDAY TRAVEL TIPS IS SEVENTH GRADE TRAVEL EXPER TARRIKRUM.
>> HI, CARRIE. SO HOW ARE YOU LIKING YOUR TRIP TO NEW YORK?
>> OH, I LOVE IT.
I SAW SPIDER-MAN AND HE GAVE ME THE FINGER.
>> COOL.
SO CARRIE WHAT KIND OF DESTINATIONS CAN YOU RECOMMEND FOR VACATIONERS?
>> WELL, ONE OF THE BEST GLOBAL DESTINATIONS HAS GOT TO BE COLUMBUS, OHIO.
OH, YEAH, YOU GOT COUSINS, YOU GOT AUNTS.
AND DID YOU KNOW THAT UNCLES CAN HAVE PONYTAILS TOO?
BUT THE BEST PART OF COLUMBUS IS,
MICHAEL, MICHAEL -- >> WHAT?
>> MY COUSIN'S NEIGHBORS ARE BOYS.
>> OKAY, CARRIE, THAT SOUNDS PRETTY SPECIFIC TO YOUR FAMILY TRIPS.
LIKE WHERE CAN OTHER PEOPLE TRAVEL?
>> TRY THE TWIN FREAKING CITIES!
YEAH, WHERE YOU'LL GO TO A FARM AND SEE A REALLY BIG PIG
AND YOUR BROTHER WILL TELL YOU THAT'S WHERE HAM COMES FROM.
AND THEN YOU'LL SOB BECAUSE YOU LOVE TO EAT HAM.
>> AGAIN, THAT FEELS LIKE WHAT YOU DID IN THE TWIN CITIES.
BUT WHAT CAN EVERYBODY DO?
MIGHT I RECOMMEND STAYING AT MY AUNT NANCY'S HOUSE?
BECAUSE MICHAEL, MICHAEL -- >> YES?
>> SHE'S BRALESS ON THE COUCH!
SO, YEAH, OVERALL PRETTY GREAT TRIP.
EXCEPT FOR WHEN I GOT SPANKED.
>> OH, I'M SORRY. >> OH, DON'T BE, MICHAEL.
THAT'S WHAT TRAVELING IS ALL ABOUT, YOU KNOW, TESTING BOUNDARIES.
LIKE IN DUBUQUE, IOWA, WHERE MY AND THEY WERE LAUGHING,
AND I S DON'T GET IT. BUT WHEN ADULTS ARE LAUGHING,
I'M LAUGHING RIGHT ALONG WITH THEM.
>> WELL, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A VERY FUN VACATION.
>> OH, YEAH. OH, DUBUQUE IS -- A CAN'T MISS.
WHEN I WAS THERE, MY COUSIN MITCHELL FORGOT HIS BATHING SUIT,
AND THEN HE GOT TO WEAR HIS UNDERWEAR IN THE HOT TUB.
AND MICHAEL -- MICHAEL? >> WHAT?
>> YOU CAN KIND OF SEE HIS BUTT.
>> ALL RIGHT. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ANYWHERE MORE EXOTIC?
>> OH, YEAH. OH, DUH,
ONCE ON A CONNECTING FLIGHT FROM PHOENIX TO DENVER,
I GOT TO GO TO THE ATLANTA AIRPORT.
ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU WANT TO TALK EXOTIC, OKAY?
I SAW TWO INDOOR PIGEONS WORK TOGETHER TO CARRY A BAGEL.
THAT'S A BONJOUR VACATION.
>> IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAD A LOT OF AWESOME VACATIONS.
WERE THERE ANY PLACES YOU DIDN'T LIKE? >> YEAH.
MONTANA. >> MONTANA. WHY?
>> BECAUSE WHEN I WENT TO MONTANA, I FELL ON A BUNCH OF ROCKS ON MY BACK.
>> WHERE? >> ON MY BACK.
>> I MEANT WHERE IN MONTANA? >> ON A ROCK!
AND IT REALLY HURT, SO DON'T GO THERE.
BECAUSE THE ROCKS ARE TOO HARD AND MY BACK IS TOO SOFT.
>> OKAY. I WON'T GO THERE.
MICHAEL, CAN WE STOP, BECAUSE I GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
>> CAN'T YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL THE END?
>> NO. BECAUSE MUMFORD & SONS GAVE ME A BUNCH OF SIERRA MIST.
>> ALL RIGHT, IF YOU HAVE TO GO, THEN GO. >> OKAY.
THANK YOU, MICHAEL. I LOVE YOU, MICHAEL.
>> CARRIE KRUM, EVERYBODY! >> I LOVE MY COUSINS
>>> IN SPACE NEWS, SPACEX LAUNCHED A ROCKET INTO ORBIT CARRYING THE CREMATED REMAINS OF A HUNDRED PEOPLE.
UNFORTUNATELY, THEY WEREN' CREMATED WHEN IT LAUNCHED.
>>> TWO NEW STUDIES ABOUT ACCELERATED GREENHOUSE EMISSIONS
FIND THAT THE EARTH WILL BE IMPACTED BY GLOBAL WARMING SOONER THAN WE THOUG.
I MEAN, GOD BLESS THESE SCIENTISTS AND RESEARCHERS
THAT ARE STILL STUDYING THIS THING THAT WE JUST REFUSE TO LISTEN TO.
WE'RE LIKE A STUBBORN OLD MAN AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE AND THEY'RE PLEADING WITH US,
"SIR, YOU GOTTA QUIT SMOKING."
KISS MY ASS, I LIKE CIGARS.
WELL, THAT WAS SHORT.
>>> KEVIN HART HAD TO STEP DOWN AS HOST OF THE UPCOMING AWARDS
BECAUSE OF HOMOPHOBIC TWEETS IN 2011.
DIDN'T THE ACADEMY NOMINATE MEL GIBSON FOR AN AWARD JUST LAST YEAR?
ALSO, IF KEVIN -- THANK YOU.
I LOVE WHEN THERE'S A BLACK LADY IN THE AUDIENC
ALSO, IF KEVIN HART ISN'T CLEAN ENOUGH TO HOST THE OSCARS, THEN NO BLACK COMIC IS.
THE ONLY BLACK COMIC I KNOW THAT'S CLEANER THAN KEVIN HART IS BOOKED FOR THE NEXT THREE TO TEN YEARS.
>>> AN ACAPELLA GROUP AT INCETON UNIVERSITY HAS STOPPED PERFORMING THE SONG "KISS THE GIRL" FROM "LITTLE MERMAID"
AFTER THE STUDENT NEWSPAPER SAID THE LYRICS PROMOTE TOXIC MASCULINITY.
ALSO, IT JUST SUCKS TO HEAR A BUNCH OF WHITE GUYS SING LIKE A JAMAICAN CRAB.
>>> A NEW VERSION OF BULL FIGHTING HAS STARTED IN CHINA,
IN WHICH PARTICIPANTS USE THEIR HANDS INSTEAD OF SWORDS.
THAT'S HOW MANY EXA PELE THEY HAVE.
>>> A BRITISH VERSION OF RuPAUL'S DRAG RACE WILL BEGIN AIRING NEXT YEAR ON THE BBC.
AND BECAUSE IT'S ENGLAND, THEIR PENISES WILL BE TUCKED TO THE RIGHT SIDE.
>>> A MAN IN FLORIDA WHO WAS ARRESTED FOR SELLING MARIJUANA
CLAIMED THAT HE WAS ONLY DOING IT TO BUY BETTER CHRISTMAS GIFTS FOR HIS CHILDREN.
REPLIED HIS CHILDREN, "JUST GIVE US THE WEED, DAD."
>>> A UTAH MAN WAS ARRESTED AFTER HE GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT AND HAMMERED AN ICE PICK THROUGH THE OTHER MAN'S PENIS.
HEY, IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, NEVER BRING A PENIS TO AN ICE PICK FIGHT.
>>> NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY OFFICIALS HAVE REJECTED AN AD FROM THE COMPANY TUSHY, WHICH SELLS MODERN BIDETS,
SAYING THE ADS DIDN'T MEET THE STANDARDS OF DECENCY.
FOR MORE ON THIS IS -- WAIT A -- MICHAEL CHE?
>> WHAT'S UP, COLIN?
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
AN UPDATE FEATURE.
WOW. SO THIS IS "SNL."
>> WAIT, I TOLD YOU THIS WAS A BAD IDEA.
>> THANKS, COLIN.
SO I THINK THESE SUBWAY ADS ARE GREAT.
PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BIDETS.
I JUST GOT ONE AND IT CHANGED MY LIFE.
IT'S GLORIOUS. I MEAN, FOOD TASTES BETTER. I CAN JUMP HIGHER.
I WANT CHILDREN NOW. I'M A BETTER PERSON.
YOU KNOW, THE FIRST TIME I USED THE BIDET, I CRIED.
AND NOT EVEN BECAUSE I WAS EMOTIONAL,
BECAUSE THE WATER WENT SO FAR UP, IT CAME OUT MY EYES.
>> OH, GOD. DUDE -- >> I KN, I MUST HAVE SET THE PRESSURE TOO HIGH, MAN.
THAT THING SPRAYED ME LIKE IT WAS TRYING TO REMOVE GRAFFITI.
>> ALL RIGHT, YEAH. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THIS.
>> SHUT UP, COLIN, YOU WHITE GUY!
IT LOOKS EASY WHEN LESLIE DOES IT.
LOOK, THIS BIDET IS A GAME-CHANGER.
I MEAN GONE ARE THE DAYS OF ME PENGUIN WALKING TO THE SINK
WITH MY PANTS AROUND MY ANKLES TRYING TO WET SOME TISSUES. LIKE A FOOL!
>> YOU KNOW THEY MAKE WIPES. >> BABY WIPES?
FIRST OF ALL, THAT'S TERRIBLE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.
>> NOT TO MENTION BABY WIPES DON'T WORK AS WELL.
BABY WIPES ARE LIKE EATING A CHICKEN WING WITH A FORK AND A KNIFE.
BUT A BIDET, THAT'S PUTTING A WHOLE DRUMSTICK IN YOUR MOUTH AND PULLING OUT A CLEAN BONE.
I'M WHISTLING.
>> THAT'S WAY TOO DESCRIPTIVE.
CAN YOU PLEASE, DO YOU THINK THESE ADS FROM BIDETS SHOULD BE ALLOWED ON THE SUBWAY?
>> I THINK THEY SHOULD ONLY BE ALLOWED ON THE SUBWAY!
YOU KNOW HOW MISERABLE THE SUBWAY IS?
I MEAN, THAT'S WHERE PEOPLE NEED A LITTLE SLASH OF HOPE THE MOST.
BESIDES WHAT BETTER METAPHOR FOR A BIDET THAN A WHOOSHING TRAIN ZIPPING THROUGH A DIRTY TUNNEL?
>> DID YOU NEED AN ENTIRE FEATURE FOR THIS? >> MAYBE.
>> ARE YOU DONE? >> NO.
SOMETIMES I PUT ON A PROPELLER HAT AND THEN TURN ON THE BIDET AND TRY TO MAKE IT SPIN ON THE TOP.
MICEL CHE, EVERYONE.
FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M COLIN
>>> AND SO MR. SCROOGE WAS SHOWN THE ERRORS OF HIS WAYS
BY THREE SPIRITS, THE GHOSTS OF CHRISTMAS PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE.
THE FOLLOWING MORNING HE WAS A CHANGED MAN.
>> TELL ME WHAT DAY IT IS, MRS. DILBER?
>> WHY, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, SIR. >> WHY THEN I HAVEN'T MISSED IT.
>> ARE YOU QUITE YOURSELF, SIR? >> I HOPE NOT!
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!
>> CHRISTMAS TIDINGS, SCROOGE.
>> WHO ARE YOU? >> WHY, I'M A SPIRIT, EBENEZER.
>> BUT MARLEY TOLD ME THERE WERE TO BE ONLY THREE SPIRITS.
ARE YOU SOME SORT OF EXTRA SPIRIT?
>> OOH, EXACTLY. AND I'M SO MUCH EXTRA!
>> WELL, I HAVE SEEN MY PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE. WHAT IS LEFT FOR YO SHOW ME?
>> MAYBE THIS. WATCH.
>> OKAY.
THE OTHER GHOSTS HELPED ME TRANSFORM FROM A STINGY MISER FROM A GIVING, LOVING MAN.
WHAT LESSON DID I GAIN FROM THAT?
SERIOUSLY, YOU SHOULD BE LIKE, BOY, WHAT ARE YOU SO EXTRA?
>> I MEAN, I HAD A LONG NIGHT SO SO MAYBE THAT'S WHY I'M NOT GETTING IT?
>> OH, IT'S FINE. I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED.
>> SO?
>> ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT ADDRESS?
>> OH, COME ON! I'M BEING VERY EXTRA FOR YOU AND YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT.
>> YOU TOOK OFF A CAPE AND HAD ANOTHER CAPE ON UNDERNEATH. WHAT'S TO GET?
>> IT'S CALLED A REVEAL, YOU FAT HEAD.
>> MR. SCROOGE, THE CRUTCHETTE FAMILY ARE HERE.
>> DON'T WORRY. THEY WON'T SEE ME. I'M A GHOST.
>> OH, MY GOOD FELLA, COME IN, HAPPY CHRISTMAS.
>> HAPPY CHRISTMAS. WHAT'S EQUIPMENT GOTTEN INTO MR. SCROOGE?
>> BOB, I WANT TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING. THIS IS YOUR CHRISTMAS BONUS.
>> BONUS? HOW INCREDIBLY KIND OF YOU.
>> THANK MR. SCROOGE, TINY.
thank
IF I'M NOT SO BOLD TO ASK, WHO IS THIS GHOST WHO'S BEEN SO EXTR
>> THANK YOU! SEE, TINY TIM GETS IT.
>> SO THEY CAN SEE YOU? >> YEAH, I GUESS SO.
>> WITH E IT'S CHRISTMAS HIMSELF, TINSEL AND GOOSE DINNER?
>> LET ME GIVE IT ONE LAST TRY
BECAUSE I THINK SCROOGE MIGHT ALMOST BE THERE.
>> TINY, YOU CAN WALK!
>> NOW, GIVE ME THAT BONUS MONEY!
THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO DO!
>> TWERK WITH ME, TINY TIM! TWERK WITH MY SCROOGEI!
>> OH, YES, I SEE IT NOW. YES!
tbs
AND NOW BACK TO THE 1985 CAMPUS COMEDY "DAY OF THE DORKS."
>> I HAD IT WITH THESE DORKS!
FIRST THEY RUIN OUR HOMECOMING PARTY CONSIDER THEIR DUMB PRANKS.
AND NOW THEY'RE BEATING US AT GREEK WEEK OLYMPIAD!
WE'RE SIGMA THETA. ALL RIGHT? WE CAN'T LOSE TO A BUNCH OF -- OF DORKS!
>> IDORKS.
>> YEAH, WE ALL DO, BEEF. THAT'S WHY WE NEED TO GET RID OF THESE DORKS ONCE AND FOR ALL.
>> NO ONE MAKES FOOLS OF SIGMA THETA, ESPECIALLY NOT A BUNCH OF DORKS.
>> DORKS.
IF THEY WIN ONE MORE EVENT AT GREEK WEEK, THEY'LL MOVE IN TO OUR FRAT HOUSE.
>> MAN, THIS HOUSE BELONGS TO US. NOT THOSE DANG DORKS!
>> DORKS.
yeah
ALSO, TAKE IT EASY ON OUR FURNITURE, BEEF.
WE HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT STUFF, MAN.
GOOD NEWS, GENTLEMEN, IS THAT I HAVE A WAY TO STOP THESE DORKS.
>> KILL THE DORKS. >> NOT THAT, BEEF.
BUT I THINK I HAVE A WAY TO KILL THEIR PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A FRAT.
>> WHO HAS A KNIFE?
>> ALL RIGHT. STOP WITH THAT STUFF, PLEASE, BEEF. YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
AND WHAT DOES THE DEAN HATE MOST? >> THE DEAN!
>> NO, BEEF. IT'S A -- CHEATING.
SO WHAT HAPPENS TO A FRAT THAT'S CAUGHT CHEATING DURING GREEK WEEK?
>> THEY DIE!
>> BEEF, PLEASE LISTEN. TRIP IS HATCHING A PLAN.
>> TRIP, THE DORKS WON'T CHEAT, MAN.
NOT ONLY ARE DORKS FAIR, THEY'RE CLEVER. AND THEY KNOW IT.
>> JUST THINKING OF THE SMUG FACES ON THOSE DORKS. OH, GOD!
>> DORKS!
>> BEEF, BEEF, MAN!
WHY DID YOU DO THAT? THAT WAS A GIFT FROM THE ALUMNI!
>> BECAUSE BEEF HATES DORKS! >> YEAH, WE KNOW, MAN.
BUT WE ALL REALLY LIKED AND USE THAT FOOSBALL TABLE A LOT.
>> BEEF, WE LOVE HOW MUCH YOU HATE DORKS. AND WE ALL ADMIRE YOUR PASSION
BUT WRECKING STUFF WE USE DOESN'T HELP.
>> YEAH, BEEF. MAYBE GRAB A PEN AND JOT DOWN NOTES ON HOW WE'RE GOING TO GET THESE DORKS.
THAT WOULD HELP A LOT. >> BEEF CAN'T WRITE.
>> OH, BEEF, REALLY? YOU HAVEEEN IN COLLEGE FOR EIGHT YEARS, MAN.
HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO WRITE? >> BECAUSE OF DORKS.
>> I DON'T KNOW, BEEF. I FEEL LIKE THAT'S ON YOU, MAN.
>> ALL RIGHT, MAKE THEM DRINK FROM THE HOSE.
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THE PLAN AFTER.
I LOVE BEEF, BUT WHAT'S HIS DEAL? HAVE ANY OF YOU EVER MET HIS PARENTS?
HOW IS HE PAYING FOR AN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL? >> I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT MATTERS NOW IS GETTING RID OF THE DORKS.
AS YOU ALL KNOW, MY FATHER HAS A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY.
AND EVERY DORK HAS HIS PRICE.
GUYS, MEET FINNEGAN.
MYORK THE INSIDE.
>> GENTLEMEN, AS A DORK MYSELF, I CAN TELL YOU --
I'M SORRY, IS HE OKAY?
dork
>> YEAH, HE'S FINE, HE'S FINE.
FINNEGAN, PLEASE CONTINUE.
>> OKAY. WELL, IF THERE'S ONE THING WE S LOVE MORE THAN COMPUTERS, IT'S GIRLS.
IF YOU JOCKS CAN HELP ME GET A GIRLFRIEND --
>> DORKS!
DORKS!
again
delta
♪ DO NOT LIE TO US
DON'T HIDE YOUR EYES FROM US
I WILL TAKE THIS SOFTENED CUP
I WILL SIT UPON YOUR FLOOR ♪
♪ TELL YOUR STORI ♪ TELL ALL OF YOUR PAIN
THAT'S WHAT I CAME HERE FOR
AND YOUR CHILDREN COME AND GO AS YOU EAT ♪
♪ WHAT HAVE I FOUND IN OUR LOVE
I AM A WASTE
MY WORDS ARE EMPTY VESSELS
IF I DO NOTHING IN THIS PLACE ♪
♪ WE CAN SCREAM INTO THE SHADOWS
AND IT'S GOOD THAT WE CAN ♪
♪ WALK WITH ME I THINK WE'LL FIND A WAY
WALK WITH ME I THINK WE'LL FIND A WAY ♪
♪ I LL MEET YOU AT THE DELTA
WHERE THE RIVERS RUN INTO THE SEA ♪
♪ I LL MEET YOU AT THE DELTA
WHAT'S BEHIND I CAN CLEARLY SEE ♪
♪ THAT BEYOND THAT'S BEYOND ME ♪
When it feels like nothing else matters
WILL YOU PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND ME? ♪
♪ WHEN IT FEELS LIKE NOTHING ELSE MATTERS
WILL YOU PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND ME ♪
♪ DOES YOUR LOVE
PREFER THE OTHERS
♪ DOES YOUR LOVE
JUST MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD ♪
♪ DOES MY LOVE
PREFER THE OTHERS
DOES MY LOVE
JUST MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ♪
When it's all just dust to dust
AND THAT'S HOW IT WILL BE ♪
♪ WHEN IT'S ALL JUST NOTHING ELSE
THAT MEANS NOTHING TO ME ♪
♪ WHEN IT'S ALL JUST DUST TO DUST
AND THAT S HOW IT WILL BE ♪
♪ WHEN IT'S ALL JUST NOTHING ELSE
THAT MEANS NOTHING TO ME ♪
♪ CAUSE DOES MY LOVE
PREFER THE OTHERS
OR DOES MY LOVE
JUST MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ♪
♪ DOES YOUR LOVE
PREFER THE OTHERS
OR DOES YOUR LOVE
JUST MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ♪
free winter sleigh rides
>> THIS IS SO ROMANTIC.
WHAT A GREAT IDEA, GENE. A WINTER SLEIGH RIDE.
IT WOULD BE A GREAT PLACE TO PROSE TO SOMEBODY.
>> OH, WELL YOU'RE HILARIOUS. THAT'S WHY I'M REALLY STARTING TO LIKE YOU.
>> WELL, I LOVE YOU, AND I'M READY.
>> OH, HONEY, LOOK, THIS SLEIGH HAS A ROOF. >> AFTER YOU, MY LADY, PLEASE.
>> OH, MY GOD! GENE,
ARYOU JERKING ME OFF RIGHT NOW? IS THAT YOU?
>> WHO IS THAT, GENE? >> I HAVE NO IDEA.
>> BABY, BABY, LOOK THAT'S GENE. MAN, I'M BLOWN SEEING YOU!
GET OUT OF HERE! >> NO, SIR, WE WAITED AN HOUR IN LINE.
>> YOU'RE A JERK, SIR!
>> WOW, I WISH THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME THAT HAPPENED.
>> HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND ALL THAT.
>> HEY, DON'T TALK LIKE THAT WHERE I'M WALKING. MY JEANS AOO TIGHT FOR THAT ACCENT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, GENE?
>> LET'S GO!
>> I'M SORRY, WHO ARE YOU? >> I'M GEMMA, I'M BRITISH.
I GOT A BRAND NEW VAGINA TODAY.
>> WHAT? YOU GOT A NEW VAGINA TODAY?
>> WELL, WE DID IT IN THAILAND FLEW IN THIS MORNING.
WHATEVER THE TIME DIFFERENCE IS. I GUESS I GOT IT TOMORROW.
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME, TODAY OR TOMORROW. RIGHT, GENE!
WE'RE G ROCK! THANK YOU, THAILAND.
>> DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH. IT WILL COME LOOSE.
>> I'M SORRY, I'M GOING TO SAY IT AGAIN, HOW IN THE WORLD DO I KNOW YOU?
>> DUDE, IT'S YOUR BOY.
YOU KNOW, I CARRIED YOU DOWN FROM THAT ZIP LINE AFTER YOU GOT TOO SCARED TO GO.
>> WELL, I WASN'T SCARED.
>> WELL, YOU WERE CRYING AND HANGING ON MY BACK LIKE A LITTLE KOALA.
>> AW, THAT SOUNDS SO CUTE, GENE. I'D CARRY YOU LIKE A KOALA IF YOU WANTED.
THAT'S NICE.
>> IT'S NICE TO ACTUALLY LOVE YOUR BROTHER.
>> WHAT? YOU TH'S MY BROTHER?
>> ISN'T IT SWEET, BABE?
>> OH, MY GOD. THAT ACCENT, THAT LITTLE TINY HAND ON MY SHOULDER.
I'M GOING TO TAKE THAT BLANKET OF YOURS BECAUSE I'M BUILDIN CHRISTMAS TREE OVER HERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?
>> I'M NOT HIS SISTER. I'M HIS FIANCEE.
>> NO.
>> WELL, PRACTICALLY SPEAKING. >> LET'S TAKE IT DAY BY DAY.
>> YOU BETTER NOT BE WASTING MY TIME.
>> HEY, YOU GOT TO THINK ABOUT YOURSELF FIRST, YOU KNOW.
HE DON'T OWN YOU. JUST REMEMBER THAT. GIRL POWER.
>> SPEAKING OF GIRL POWER, MY GIRLES ME THAT KIND OF POWER
WHEN THE SLEIGH STARTS AROCKING, DON'T YOU COME AKNOCKING!
AM I RIGHT, GENE?
>> SIR, PLEASE STOP ROCKING SLEIGH,
IT'S NOT SAFE AND YOU'RE SPOOKING THE HORSES, SIR!
>> LET ME GET MY GIRL. DON'T YOU LOOK AT MY GIRL.
>> I'M ACTUALLY ASEXUAL. NOT THAT ANYONE CARES OR ASKS.
>> HEY, ENOUGH OF YOUR ANGER.
>> OH, I ALMOST FORGOT THE BEST PART. MY GIRL'S A SINGER.
>> WHAT? >> HE SAID I'M A SINGER!
>> GENE, YOU AND YOUR SISTER'S EARS ARE ABOUT TO CLIMAX TOGETHER.
HER NEW CHRISTMAS ALBUM. IT IS DOPE, AND FILLED WITH DOPE.
HIT IT, BABY?
AND NOW WE'RE SUCKING IN THE CORNER ♪
rock
horse
>> HEY, THIS IS LIKE REAL, WHAT DO REINDEER DO, RIGHT?
THEY GOT THEIR HOOVES UP IN THE AIR, DON'T THEY?
>> ALL RIGHT, I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE! SHOULD WE JUMP?
>> YEAH, LET'S DO IT. ALL RIGHT, COME ON, GENE, LET'S DO THIS!
LET'S DO THIS. ONE, TWO, 60.
>> OH, HE'S SUCH A LUG.
CAN YOU SING ME A SONG? >> OF COURSE!
♪ WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
>> OH, I KNOW THIS ONE.
♪ AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR ♪
first
>> HEY! >> YEAH.
DOES IT LOOK OKAY? >> YOU LOOK GREAT, SWEETIE.
>> ALL RIGHT. BECAUSE I'M REALLY NERVOUS TO MEET YOUR PARENTS, YOU KNOW? I DON'T WANT TO LOOK STUPID.
>> OH, THEY'RE GOING TO LOVE YOU. >> OKAY. ALL RIGHT, I JUST REALLY WANT TO IMPRESS THEM.
them
>> HEY! >> HEY, SWEETIE! >> HI, MOM.
>> COME HERE. >> HI.
MOM, DAD, THIS IS MICHAEL.
THAT'S WEIRD. HE WAS HERE JUST A SECOND AGO.
>> WELL, WE CAN'T WAIT TO MEET HIM.
>> MICHAEL! HONEY?
>> I BET YOU CAN'T FD ME
>> WHAT?
WAS THAT HIM? >> WHAT DID HE SAY?
>> TRY AND FIND ME!
>> MICHAEL, STOP IT! OKAY, COME OUT HERE AND MEET MY PARENTS.
>> HEE-HEE-HEE, WHERE AM I?
>> HONEY, WHAT'S GOING ON? >> I THINK HE'S JUST NERVOUS. HE REALLY WANTS TO IMPRESS YOU.
>> WHY WOULD THAT IMPRESS US?
>> DOES HE HIDE A LOT? >> NO, HE'S NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.
>> I BET YOU CAN'T FIND ME! >> OH, I BET I CAN!
>> DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? >> I'M GOING TO FIND THIS GUY.
>> YOU'RE VERY COLD. >> MAKE IT FAIR, GIVE US A CLUE.
>> DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT I LOOK LIKE?
son
I GOT TO FIND THIS GUY IF I WANT TO SEE WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.
>> FOLLOW THE LITTLE GAY ELF.
COME AND FIND ME!
>> HE'S IN THE CLOSET!
WHERE IS THIS TURD? >> DAD!
>> HA HA, YOU'RE GETTING WARMER. >> OH, HE'S UNDER THE BED!
I GOT YOU NOW!
DAMN IT. >> NOT THERE.
>> COMING FROM THE WALLS. >> HE'S NOT IN THE WALLS!
DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? >> I'M TRYING TO FIND THE DAMN GUY!
GOTCHA!
>> I GUESS YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE WHAT I LOOK LIKE!
>> YOU KNOW I DO! >> THEN FOLLOW MY VOICE.
HZ
>> OH, I GOT YOU NOW.
FOOLED AGAIN!
>> SOUND LIKE SOMEONE'S GOT PIE IN THE FACE. >> NO, THEY DON'T.
>> HONEY, THIS IS INSANE.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT, THIS IS TOO HARD. GIVE US ANOTHER CLUE.
>> HEE-HEE-HEE, YOU SEE, I MIGHT BE WHERE YOU WATCH TV.
>> IN THE TV! >> OH, CRAP, I GAVE IT AWAY!
>> I GOT HIM!
>> HELP ME! HELP! I'M STUCK!
WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG? HELP ME, I'M STUCK!
>> MICHAEL, WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES? >> I COULDN'T FIT BACK HERE WITH THAT NEW SHIRT ON!
>> DID YOU GREASE YOUR BODY? >> JUST MY FACE AND MY CHEST.
I COULDN'T FIT BACK THERE. THIS WHOLE PLAN IS NOT WORKING AT ALL.
>> WHAT WAS YOUR PLAN? >> TO LOOK COOL IN FRONT OF YOUR PARENTS.
LOOK AT WHAT LOVE MADE ME DO, BABE.
PLEASE TO MEET YOU, MR. CHARLES.
MRS. CHARLES.
I HOPE MY HIDING THING WASN'T TOO STUPID.
AND I'M SORRY IF I RUINED YOUR CLOTHES WITH MY PIE TRAP.
>> YOU DIDN'T. >> CRAP.
LOOK, YOU JUST TOLD ME HOW GREAT THEY WERE AND I JUST REALLY WANTED TO IMPRESS THEM.
I DIDN'T WANT TO BE A LOSER.
I DIDN'T WANT TO BE "THAT GUY."
>> "THAT GUY." I LOVE THAT.
I SAY THAT TOO.
I LIKE YOU FOR MY DAUGHTER. A LOT.
>> I DO TOO, SIR. YES,HANK YOU, SIR. VERY GOOD, SIR.
>> LET ME SEE HOW HANDSOME YOU ARE.
THAT'S VERY NICE. GOOD.
THERE.
VERY HANDSOME. VERY GOOD.
HE LOOKS GOOD.
VERY, VERY GOOD.
VERY HANDSOME. VERY NICE.
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE.
FLY!
WHO'S WITH ME?
>> HEY, WHY IS RUDOLPH CHEERING?
>> WELL, I GUESS I THOUGHT THERE WAS A CHANCE I'D BE ON THE TEAM THIS YEAR.
>> YEAH, KEEP DREAMING NEON NOSE!
>> YEAH, THE LAST THING WE NEED UP THERE IS A STOPLIGHT!
>> OR A MARASCHINO CHERRY.
HUDDLE UP. I GOT A LITTLE WEATHER REPORT,
AND I'M SORRY BUT IT'S TOO OVERCAST TO FLY.
CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED.
>> OH, NO! NO!
>> WAIT! RUDOLPH -- YOUR NOSE.
YOU CAN GUIDE US WITH YOUR WONDERFUL LIGHT! W ABOUT IT, RUDOLPH?
>> YOU MEAN IT, SANTA? >> YOU BET I DO. I'M APPOINTING YOU LEAD REINDEER!
CHRISTMAS IS SAVED! LET'S HEAR IT FOR RUDOLPH!
>> HIP, HIP, HOORAY!
>> THANKS, SANTA. I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.
>> WELL, WELL, WELL --
CONGRATS. OH, YOU CAN PUT THAT AWAY, DONNER,
OR WHATEVER YOUR STUPID [ BLEEP ] NAME IS.
>> RUDOLPH >> OH, IT'S RUDOLPH NOW!
I THOUGHT IT WAS NEON NOSE. >> CLASSIC!
>> WHAT'S UP, BLITZEN?
WHAT DID YOU CALL MY NOSE? A STOPLIGHT.
I LIKE THAT. MAKING FUN OF SOMEONE'S LOOKS AND YOU'RE MARRIED TO A MOOSE.
>> SHE'S AN ELK. >> SHE'S A STRAIGHT UP MOOSE. YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT.
>> WHAT'S UP, DAD?
hate
RUDOLPH, WE UNDERSTAND YOU'RE SORE AT US BUT IT WAS JUST SOME RIBBING.
>> YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, CUPID. YOU WANT HEALTHY RIBBING!
YOUR WIFE DROPPED THAT DONK ON MY LAST NIGHT! >> YOU'RE MAKING THAT UP.
>> NOPE, WE DID IT IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR. SHE'S ONE OF THOSE!
>> HEY, I'LL KNOCK THAT NOSE RIGHT OFF UR FE!
>> COME ON, RUDOLPH MAN, WE'RE SORRY.
>> I KNOW YOU'RE SORRY NOW BECAUSE I'LL BE FLYING OUT IN FRONT TONIGHT
ANI'M TING A LOT OF BROCCOLI.
>> HEY!
>> I'M GONNA TELL SANTA HOW YOU'RE BEHAVING.
>> OH, LET'S GET HIM IN THERE THEN!
>> OH, WHY WOULD YOU HIT ME? I'M SMALLER THAN YOU!
>> CUPID! ARE YOU STILL BULLYING ON RUDOLPH?
>> NO, SIR, I DIDN'T TOUCH HIM!
>> I'M THE NEW GUY. I DESERVE IT.
>> RUDOLPH, YOU'RE THE STRONGEST REINDEER I'VE EVER SEEN.
CUPID, YOU'RE ON THIN ICE.
>> YO, YOU'RE CRAZY, MAN!
ANYONE ELSE WANT TO BULLY RUDOLPH? >> NO, MAN, WE'RE SO SORRY.
>> OH, WELL IF IT ISN'T MR. MARASCHINO CHERRY JOKE. >> I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE, MAN.
>> YOU KNOW, I HEARD A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT MY NE. THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.
YOU LIKE MARASCHINO CHERRIES, BRO?
>> YOU LIKE THE WAY THEY TASTE, BRO? >> YEAH.
>> WHY DON'T YOU SUCK ON ONE? >> EXCUSE ME?
>> YEAH, SUCK ON IT, HOMEY. CK ON THE CHERRY RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE!
>> RUDOLPH, PLEASE!
>> OH, MY GOODNESS!
HE BIT ME. I THINK HE'S RABID.
>> OH, I ALWAYS KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME.
I SWEAR HE'S LYING! HE TOLD ME TO SUCK IT.
>> COME WITH ME, COMET.
>> SIR, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. HE'S EVIL.
ARE NONE OF YOU GOING TO SAY ANYTHING?
>> YEAH, ISN'T SOMEONE GOING TO SAY SOMETHING?
>> I'M SORRY, PAL.
>>RUDOLPH, YOU'RE A MASTER.
>> REALLY, THOSE WERE SOME FUNNY JOKES. HILARIOUS.
>> ALL RIGHT, SHOW'S OVER.
IT'S CHRISTMAS, FOLKS.
♪ RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDafR ♪
sing
>>> THANKS TO MUMFORD & SONS, ROBERT DE NIRO,
ALL OF THE CAST AND CREW, I LOVE YOU!
TO MY MOTHER, MY GRANDMOTHER, MY
family
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