♫ Ground floor perfumery, stationary and leather goods,
♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food going up,
♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits,
♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes going up,
- There must be something in there. Keep on trying.
If I'd known my body was going to last this long,
I'd have treated it better.
- I'll get my other machine.
- Now, Mr. Grace, Mr. Grace, can I send down a stop
for another pair of tights? Well, I mean, I've just
caught these on my desk and I've leaded them. Look.
[Balloon Pops]
[Laughing]
- Well, that's incredible.
I've never seen that happen before.
- No, but it's encouraging.
[Laughing]
- Yes, it is, Mr. Grace.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Rumbold.
- Excuse me, Mr. Grace.
Here are the final figures for the month.
I'm afraid they are much worse than I feared.
But, I would point out that they are commensurate
with the general trend in the trade.
I put it down to uneasiness in the Middle East,
the weakening dollar, plus the fact that
Carter has not come up to expectations.
- Yes, is Carter in bedding?
- No, sir, Jimmy Carter. He's running the USA.
- Oh, yes, you mean the underbuyer for sportswear
and accessories. Well, if he doesn't come up to scratch,
you'll have to tell him he's got to go.
These figures are very bad, aren't they?
- Yes, sir but I'm sure there's some very good reason.
- Yes, when I was in the fish trade,
we always used to say that when a fish was bad,
the head went wrong first.
Who's in charge of this department?
- Who's in charge? I am, sir.
- Oh, you had any headaches lately?
[Laughing]
- So, anyway, this time I promise my mother faithfully
I'd give it up altogether.
- It's not an easy decision to make, Mr. Humphries.
- Oh, torture, Mr. Lucas! Anyway, "Ben Hur"
was on the television, so I thought,
well, that'll take my mind off it for a four or five hours.
It had just gone 12 o'clock. I couldn't contain myself
any longer, so I took my boxing gloves off.
- You'd lost the battle then, hadn't you?
- Precisely, my hand fitted straight into the sweet jar.
Do you know within five minutes, I've scarfed the lot.
- [Betty] Thank you so much, madam.
Anyway, I was so upset that Mrs. Axelby came with me
to the police station. Well, I couldn't have got a word out.
- Do you know, it must've been awful for you.
- Oh, it was. Well, Mrs. Axelby could
see the state I was in, so she went straight
up to the sergeant at the desk, and she said,
"Have any of your constables
reported having seen this lady's pussy?"
- And had they?
- No, but he took my name and found out where I lived
and they all promised they'd keep an eye out.
[Singing]
- [Mr. Harmon] There we are, bullock.
Shove it down about there. That's lovely. Okay, yep.
- Mr. Harman, I'm getting rather tired of telling you
not to appear on the floor when the store is open.
- In that case, why don't you give up?
- Is that for me, Mr. Harman?
- Yes, Mrs. Slocombe. It's a new point of sail model
for iron-clad hosiery. It is rip-proof, stab-proof
and run-proof. Guaranteed against a rugger, hockey,
or scramble in the bramble. The only tights
that will stand up against the ultimate test,
a good going over with steel wool.
[Scratching]
- Well, I've never seen anything so
daft in all my born days.
- Take it away, Mr. Harman.
- Mr. Godfrey, do you expect me to raise hell about this?
- If Mrs. Slocombe does not like a display,
she is entitled as head of her department to refuse it,
and I must say that I deplore the sight of female
figures without knickers.
- Oh, you've changed your tune since the Christmas party.
- I don't recall anything under ward
happening at the Christmas party.
- Oh, you mean you've forgotten about the lift girl
doing the belly dancing on the tabletop?
- I... I didn't see that.
- That's because you were doing an impersonation
of the man in the iron mask
with a waste paper basket over your head.
- Oh, take it away.
- Oh, by the way, it's worked by a random timing mechanism.
- Oh, take it away.
- I'll send my senior assistant back for the other bit.
Come on girl, you come with me.
- Oh well, Mrs. Slocombe, I wonder if you'd mind
staying behind after we close.
- Oh, certainly, Captain Peacock.
- We want to discuss falling figures. You, too, Miss Brahms.
- Why me? My figure hasn't fallen.
- Captain Peacock is referring to the trade we are doing.
- Or more specifically, the trade we are not doing.
- Captain Peacock, are you free?
- At the moment, Mr. Humphries.
- Shall I come over to you for you to sign my sheet,
or will you come over here?
- You have my permission to come over here.
- I've just done six pairs of wife routes on account.
Would you mind authenticating them?
- Oh, certainly. It's good to see, Mr. Humphries,
that you haven't lost your sales technique.
- Not when it comes to wife routes.
- I was going to say to Mr. Rumbold this morning
that that smile of yours should take you a long way in life.
- Coming from you, Captain Peacock,
that is indeed a compliment. You always look so stern
and forbidding, I thought you didn't like me.
- Well, I'm sorry if I give that impression.
It's very hard to be close to people during working hours.
By the way, can you stay behind tonight.
- No, Captain Peacock, my mother's, um,
my mother's rug machine has gone faulty
and I promised I'd...
She wants to have it finished for...
Well, it's a very big rug, I don't suppose a day
would make any difference.
Haven't you got penetrating eyes.
[Cash Register Ringing]
You won't be long on that phone,
Mr. Humphries, will you?
- No, Captian Peacock. No, I'm sorry mother.
I'm going to be late.
Well, due to circumstances beyond my control.
No, love, choir practice is Thursday night.
I'm at work. Well, you don't have to do your rug tonight.
Why don't you get on with your
Battle of Hastings tapestry for the church?
Oh, and while your at it, the vicar thought
that King Harold's chainmail skirt
ought to be lowered about four inches.
[Laughing]
Well, he studies those sort of things.
No, that's not where he got the arrow, no.
No, love, it was in his eye.
Oh, well if you put it there, leave it.
It'll just look silly, that's all.
- Five coffees and three teas.
- Which is which?
- The teas is the one with the froth on top.
That's on account of the fact that Elsie cleans out
the tea on a Wednesday,
and she's a bit lavish with the detergent.
- Why isn't the coffee frothy?
- Well, Miss Vedonga does that, and she uses vim.
- Oh, by the way, there's three water biscuits each.
- They're all soggy!
- That's right because they're made with real water.
- Did you know that the Americans won't buy our biscuits?
- No I didn't know that, Mr. Tebbs. Why is that?
- They say that they have more than
the acceptable number of mouse hairs in them.
[Spitting]
- They look at them through a microscope, you know.
Very finicky people.
- He's not serious, is he?
- No, there's all sorts of rubbish and bacteria
in all the food we eat. Fortunately, we can't see it.
- Yes, you want to look at a piece of
Gorgonzola cheese through a microscope.
All that green stuff is full of
big bugs with long wavy arms.
- Don't! I've got some in the pantry.
My mother's alone in the house.
- I bet if a visitor from outer space came here
and ate our food, they'd probably die.
- Well, if they saw that tea with that froth on it,
they wouldn't stop here anyway, would they?
- And you know they had an artist's impression
of an extraterrestrial being. Oh, it was horrible.
Great big pink thing it was with no hair,
big googly eyes and sticky-out ears.
- Sorry to keep you waiting.
- It's quite all right, Mr. Rumbold, sir.
We've saved all the water biscuits for you.
- Oh, my favorite. Thank you.
- I've got a favorite biscuit.
I can't remember the name of it.
I know it's got something to do with Friday.
- Yes, well after that astounding piece of information,
can we get on?
- Yes, I'm ready.
- Well, it's common knowledge that sales are seriously down,
and drastic measures have to be taken.
Mr. Rumbold has had a meeting with young Mr. Grace,
and he will now inform us of the result.
- Yes, well I'm afraid it's more serious than we thought.
Every economy has been carefully considered.
Many of them will be put into effect,
but I'm afraid we can't avoid the one we all fear the most:
staff reductions. This department cannot escape,
and I'm afraid somebody will have to go.
But, I deeply regret this. It's no exaggeration to say
this is the saddest day of my life.
- May I be the first to say goodbye to you, sir.
On behalf of all of us. May I thank you
on behalf of all of us for all the little kindnesses
you've shown us, and I know that I speak for every one
of us when we wish you every best of luck
in finding yourself a new job, which of course
at your age will be no easy task.
[Clapping]
- Mr. Lucas, have you gone mad?
Redundancies don't apply to executives at my level.
- In that case, may I say how sorry I am.
- So it's one of us what's going to get the tin tank.
- And may I also say that it does not
apply to middle management at my level.
- Well, there has been a further meeting about that
and as a result, I must say that it definitely does
apply to middle management at your level.
- May I be the first to say goodbye to you, sir,
and on behalf of all of us...
- Sit down!
- Well, who is going to go? We might as well know the worst.
- [Mr. Rumbold] Well, for some time, young Mr. Grace
has wanted to introduce worker participation
into all major decisions.
He would, therefore, like you, the workers, to decide
which on of you is going to go.
- Bath Oliver.
- Oh, where does he work?
- No, that's my favorite biscuit.
I've been sitting here racking my brains
to remember what it was. I knew it had
something to do with Friday. Friday night is my bath night.
- Haven't you been listening? We've got to cut down.
- Well, we had to do more, you know.
We were only allowed five inches.
I used to share mine with Mrs. Tebbs.
- You haven't been listening, have you?
- I haven't.
- The department is running at a loss
and one of us is going to get the sack.
- Oh, who is it?
- Last in, first out, I say.
- Well, I was last in.
- And may I be the first to say goodbye,
and to say thank you for all your little kindness
which I'm sure you intended to do
and would've done if you ever got around to doing them.
- You're full of old world charm today, aren't you?
What have I ever done to you?
- Nothing because the only time I let you take me out,
that usher had to put a new battery in her torch.
- I don't see why we'd need a ladies department at all.
- Well, I am of the opinion that those
who are nearest to retirement should leave now
and not drag it out.
- Don't forget your handbag, Mrs. Slocombe.
- Right, fairy cake.
- Oh, so it's all coming out now is it?
- Ladies and gentlemen, please, please.
Sit down, Mrs. Slocombe, let us preserve the niceties.
- [Captain Peacock] You know, I am put in mind
of the year 1912, when that gallant explorer,
the late Captain Scott, was trapped in the frozen
wastes of the Antarctic in a tent
with a handful of companions.
The blizzard was blowing fiercely outside,
the temperature was 45 degrees below,
and the dwindling food supplies were
obviously insufficient to allow them all to survive.
No one knew the situation better
than the brave Captain Oats. One night,
he got up from his sleeping bag and said very casually,
"I'm just going outside for a while.
He never came back. He had made the decision
to sacrifice himself in order to save his companions.
- If that had happened today,
they'd have all eaten Captain Scott.
- Oh, just look at that.
[Clapping]
- What are you all applauding for?
- We're applauding for you, Mr. Tebbs,
sacrificing yourself for our jobs.
- Don't be silly. I'm going to spend a penny.
Though, on second thought, no.
It puts me in mind of the story of Long John Silver,
who left the room for a while,
and when he came back, they handed him the black spot.
- Well, what did that mean?
- That was a pirate's way of telling you
you've had your chips.
- Well, how are we going to decide?
- I couldn't help overhearing your conversation
due to the fact that I've been listening to every word,
and if I may say so, as a fully paid up union man,
I am very experienced at such matters,
and when we wish to make a momentous decision,
like getting rid of the government,
we hold a secret ballot.
- Very good idea. Let's all write down
who we think should go.
- Here, use my bill pad.
- And I think you should also write down
the reasons for your choice. That will help me
when I explain to young Mr. Grace.
- Excuse me brother. When you've cast your votes,
put your votes in here and I'll be the stakeholder.
- And suppose we want to vote you out.
- Well, you can't because I'm the stakeholder, aren't I?
May I have your votes, please?
- Well, it's a very difficult decision for me to make,
for I have such a warm personal regard
for every one of you.
- [Mr. Lucas] It's a pretty day here isn't it, you know,
to give us a state of the parties
like they do at the election.
- Oh, yes. Last time, when he said he thought
that Billy Ricky was going the other way
I nearly cut myself shaving.
- Well now, let's see what we've got.
You keep the score, Howard.
- Oh, yes, sorry.
- Now, the first name suggested for redundancy
is Mr. Lucas. Reason: He was the last in,
so he should be the first out.
- I wonder who wrote that.
- [Mr. Harman] One against Mr. Lucas.
- Mrs. Slocombe. Reason: Because she is a crabby old cow.
- Who dared write that?
- It's written in blue pencil.
- One against Mrs. Slocombe and five to go.
- Miss Brahms. Reason: Noncooperation
at the Christmas party.
- Mr. Tebbs. Reason: Past it.
- Past it! Would you say I was past it, Mr. Humphries?
- Certainly not, Mr. Tebbs. There is minutes left in you.
- Four down, two to go.
- Well, let's press on, shall we?
- Oh, Captain Peacock. Reason:
He is disrespectful to Mr. Rumbold behind his back.
For instance, he holds a plate to each side of his head
saying the words, "Guess who?"
Signed your devoted servant, Dick Lucas.
Is this true?
- It's a figment of Mr. Lucas' diseased imagination.
- All right then, saucers.
- Well, one more to go. Oh, this one just says,
"Don't know. Signed, Mr. Humphries"
- Still sitting on the fence, then, Mr Humphries?
- That way you can see what's growing in both gardens.
- Well, by my calculations, it's a draw,
and Mr. Humphries failed to score.
- Which is unusual for you, Mr. Humphries.
- Well, it's been a most interesting experiment
in worker participation.
- Although, totally inconclusive.
- Oh, not at all, no. My report to young Mr. Grace
will simply say that we reached a unanimous "don't know."
Of course, one thing has emerged from this day,
clearly the most popular person in the department
is Mr. Humphries. Nobody wanted to see the back of him.
- That's unusual for me isn't it?
- Yes, it is, Mr. Humphries.
[Cash Register Ringing]
- [Mrs. Slocombe] Oh, talk about economy cuts.
This is ridiculous. Fancy cutting our stocking allowance.
- Well, my legs don't look too bad now.
It was a good idea of yours staining them like this.
- They'll look better when I put the seems in.
- What are you talking about?
- We used to do it during the war.
You draw a line up the back with an eyebrow pencil.
Stand on that chair. And for heaven's sake, keep still.
I can't bare crooked seems.
- [Miss Brahms] Oh, that tickles.
- [ Mrs. Slocombe] Oh, you moved!
- What are you up to?
- I'm just putting the finishing touch
on Miss Brahms with an eyebrow pencil.
- Blimey, she must have long eyebrows.
- She's the cat's mother.
- All right then, the cat's mother must have long eyebrows.
- They've cut our clothing allowance
and we're not wearing our own gear.
- That's stuffing. They've got such lowlifes
in the accounting department, they can't seem to
eat their jump outies.
- Where's everybody gone in menswear?
- They're having an orgy party in Rumbold's office.
- They always got their shirts issued free.
I never thought it was fair.
- Oh, I see you've managed to hold on to your shirts, then.
- Not entirely.
[Laughing]
- While I'm here, it's pencil day.
- Hang about. There's two of us, you know.
- Oh, sorry.
[Snap]
That's part of Mr. Grace's economy drive.
[Snap]
I'm surprised you didn't cut it into four.
Well, we tried to, but we couldn't
get it in the pencil sharpener.
- Oh, Captain Peacock, I see you've
managed to hold onto your staff shirt.
- Yes, but I suffered defeat in some other directions.
For instance, I've had to submit to a Japanese handkerchief.
- Oh, it looks quite nice.
- Well, only superficially. There's no body or stiffness
in the material. It can't stand up to the least vibration.
[Clears Throat]
Has anyone seen Mr. Tebbs?
- Not since he heard that Mr. Pengelly from
garden furniture has got the sack
becasue his hair has gone gray.
[Laughing]
- Oh, marvelous.
- It makes the years drop away.
- They assured me it was quite undetectable.
- It would be if you took the price tag off. Come here!
- Any news from upstairs?
- Yes, I left Mr. Rumbold on the phone with young Mr. Grace.
We should be hearing something quite soon.
- May I have your attention everybody?
I have a very important announcement to make. Who are you?
- I'm young Mr. Tebbs.
- Good heavens. Well, it's as I feared.
Young Mr. Grace feels that this department
could well be run with one less counter assistant.
- Well, that can't apply to the ladies.
There's only two of us to start with.
- Well, it is felt that the ladies department
could well be run by one person or the gentlemen's by two.
- Well, then who is going to get the chop?
- Well, young Mr. Grace is most anxious that
everyone should have a fair chance,
and should be allowed to sate his case.
To that end, on Saturday afternoon, he will join us,
and he will look into every aspect of everyone's talent,
and capabilities, and on that basis, he will decide.
So, until Saturday afternoon.
- When the ax will fall.
- You shave your mustache,
you could get a job as Harry Secombe.
[Cash Register Ringing]
- What have you got there, Mr. Harman?
- They're making a book down in packing,
and there's heavy bets on who's going and who's staying.
Well you can scratch me off the list
because it's been decided after all
that management at my level are staying.
- That's messed up the odds because
I've got you down as 50 to one on the go.
Captain Peacock, non-runner.
- What odds are the others then?
- Slocombe, experienced mare despite weight...
Could stay the field. Even money favorite.
Brahms, filly, last time out was at the Christmas party.
Preferred brandy, five to one.
Tebbs, long in the tooth, broken wind.
Age and weight goes against this runner, 50 to one.
Lucas, young stallion, enjoys his oats,
but never passes a filly, and always a good finisher.
Ask Nancy, the lift girl, 10 to one.
- What about me?
- I've got you down as a good each way bet.
- I always have been.
- Hello, we're going to start those orders.
- [Mr. Grace] Good afternoon everybody.
- Good afternoon, Mr. Grace.
- Now, the first question which we have to decide
is whether Miss Brahms or Mrs. Slocombe should go.
- Slocombe versus Brahms!
- I'd like to say a few words on behalf of Miss Brahms.
- Carry on, Mr. Lucas.
- Thank you, well, well then...
- Excuse me, stand up when you address Mr. Grace.
- I'm sorry, your honor. May it please your lordship.
When I go into a ladies' shop,
I think it's very nice to see
a nice pretty girl behind the counter,
especially if she's got long, sexy legs and big...
- [Mrs. Slocombe] Objection!
How can you see her legs if she's behind the counter?
- You can stand on tip-toe.
[Laughing]
Objection overruled.
- Thank you very much, your lordship.
And now, I suggest that Miss Brahms
and Mrs. Slocombe show us their legs
in all that we can assess their merits.
- Slocombe 101 to get the sack!
- I'd like to say a word for Mrs. Slocombe.
I cannot have her subject to this unseemly exhibition.
- My legs are not unseemly!
- Shut up, I'm on your side!
If I go into a ladies' shop to buy a pair of tights,
I'm not interested in looking at girls' legs.
I like to see a nice motherly figure
with an understanding smile.
- And what, may I ask, are you doing
going into a lades' shop buying tights?
- I don't know, but if I did, that's what I'd like to see,
a motherly figure with an understanding smile.
- The question we have to decide, Mr. Grace, is this:
Do we prefer someone with a lot of experience
and a little older, or someone with long, sexy legs?
- Well, I prefer somebody with a lot of experience,
and long, sexy legs.
- I don't know about that, but my legs
are sexier than Mrs. Slocombes.
- [Captain Peacock] Stop influencing Mr. Grace.
- Too late, I've been influenced.
- Before you decide, sir, we should examine the men.
- I don't want to see their legs.
- Sir, if I might just read
an extract from Mr. Tebbs record.
Would that be upstanding, Mr. Tebbs?
Mr. Tebbs has been with us for over 40 years.
He was twelve years with buyers in fittings,
received 76 citations for selling complete
marbleized bathroom suites. 1968 received long service
pen and pencil set.
- That was a memorable day. Mrs. Tebbs got drunk.
- Captain of the Grace Brothers bowls team,
secretary of Grace Brothers dance club,
tireless worker for Grace Brothers benevolent fund
for distressed salespersons. 1976, after 40 years
devoted service, was honored by yourself, sir,
at the tea party in the boardroom.
- He's had a bloody boring life, hasn't he?
- Enough! I've heard enough.
- It has been a long glittering career.
From now on, it could be nothing more than an anticlimax.
I realize I must step aside, make room for a younger man
to climb to the dizzy heights which I have occupied
for so long. How stupid of me to try to look younger.
It was only because I'd hoped to save up
to take Mrs. Tebbs for a last holiday to her birthplace
in Wales. For old time's sake, to bang her.
But, I realize now I probably shan't be able to afford it.
So, farewell my friends, my counter and my life.
- Oh, I can't bare it. Stop him! Oh, bring him back!
I'll go! I resign!
- No, no! I'm the youngest! I'll go!
- You won't, either of you, go because I'm going,
and I'm having any argument. One of these days,
I'll be his age. Mr. Grace, I resign,
and I am unanimous in that.
- Well, you're all going to be so noble,
I'm going to resign.
[Yelling]
[Banging]
- [Mr. Rumbold] Order!
- Break!
- Come back, Mr. Tebbs. Now, let's get one thing
absolutely clear, no one is allowed to resign.
I shall decide who is going to go.
- Oh, in that case may we help you.
Mr. Humphries, are you free?
- I am free.
- [Mrs. Slocombe] Follow me.
[Laughing]
- You're fired, both of you.
- No they're not. I've always wanted to do that.
Have a cake.
I enjoyed that. So, I'll see you on Monday.
- No, sir, sir, what about the economy cuts?
- Oh, they've been canceled.
I'm introducing a three-day week.
- What, for the store?
- Oh no, no, no, for me. It's very boring in my office.
- Supposing something comes up while you're in the country?
- Well, we'll send him someone with long sexy legs
and lots of experience.
- I think you'd do much better with a understanding smile.
[Clapping]
♫ Ground floor perfumery, stationary and leather goods,
♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food going up,
♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits,
♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes going up,
♫ Second floor carpets, travel goods and bedding,
♫ Material, soft furnishings, restaurant and teas,
♫ going down.
♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits,
♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes going up.