我之所以选择学习脑科 I grew up to study the brain
是因为我的一个弟弟被诊断大脑功能紊乱， because I have a brother who has been diagnosed
用专业点的说法就是精神分裂症。作为姐姐， with a brain disorder, schizophrenia.
到后来是作为科学家，我十分想了解为什么我们会做梦， And as a sister and later, as a scientist,
而且能够将做的梦和现实联系起来， I wanted to understand, why is it that I can take my dreams,
更有可能会梦想成真。 I can connect them to my reality,
我弟弟的大脑到底是怎么了？ and I can make my dreams come true?
他得的精神分裂症就是他不能将他做的梦 What is it about my brother's brain and his schizophrenia
和普通的现实结合起来，所以相反的， that he cannot connect his dreams to a common and shared reality,
就形成了幻觉。 so they instead become delusion?
因此我致力于研究这些严重的精神疾病。 So I dedicated my career to research into the severe mental illnesses.
而且我也从印第安纳州搬到波士顿， And I moved from my home state of Indiana to Boston,
在那里，我可以在哈佛精神病学， where I was working in the lab of Dr. Francine Benes,
在实验过程中，我们会一直询问： in the Harvard Department of Psychiatry.
“从生物学的角度来说，个体与个体的究竟在哪里？ And in the lab, we were asking the question,
那些被诊断为精神分裂症，精神压抑的混乱症状或者 "What are the biological differences
大脑功能极端紊乱的病人相比， between the brains of individuals who would be diagnosed as normal control,
他们和那些大脑控制功能正常的人有什么区别？” as compared with the brains of individuals
所以我们首先画出了大脑的微线性图： diagnosed with schizophrenia, schizoaffective or bipolar disorder?"
哪些细胞是和哪些细胞是有联系的？ So we were essentially mapping the microcircuitry of the brain:
通过何种化学物质联系？ which cells are communicating with which cells,
这些化学物质有多少？ with which chemicals,
因此我的生活充满意义，因为在白天， and then in what quantities of those chemicals?
我一直在从事这种研究。 So there was a lot of meaning in my life
但是晚上和周末， because I was performing this type of research during the day,
我则作为精神疾病联盟一员从事一些宣传工作。 but then in the evenings and on the weekends,
但是1996年12月10号的早上， I traveled as an advocate for NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness.
当我起来时却发现自己大脑有点紊乱。 But on the morning of December 10, 1996,
我的大脑左半球的血管充血爆裂。 I woke up to discover that I had a brain disorder of my own.
在4个小时的时间里， A blood vessel exploded in the left half of my brain.
我的大脑完全失去了它传达信息的功能。 And in the course of four hours,
早上的脑充血， I watched my brain completely deteriorate
使我不能走路、交谈、读、写和唤醒其他身体机能。 in its ability to process all information.
尽管我是个成年的女性，但身体行动却完全如同婴儿一般。 On the morning of the hemorrhage,
不知道各位是否见过人类的大脑， I could not walk, talk, read, write or recall any of my life.
很明显，它是由两个独立的半球组成。 I essentially became an infant in a woman's body.
今天我给大家带来了一个真实的人脑。 If you've ever seen a human brain,
看，这就是一个真实的人脑， it's obvious that the two hemispheres are completely separate from one another.
这是大脑的前面， And I have brought for you a real human brain.
这是后面，大家还可以看到延伸的脊髓， (Groaning, laughter)
它就是这样存在于我们的脑袋里的。 So this is a real human brain.
当我们再看这个大脑的时候， This is the front of the brain,
我们可以轻易的发现这两个半球的大脑皮质是完全分开的。 the back of brain with the spinal cord hanging down,
各位都知道电脑的工作原理， and this is how it would be positioned inside of my head.
我们的右半脑的功能就像一个并行处理机， And when you look at the brain,
我们的左脑半球就像一个串行处理机。 it's obvious that the two cerebral cortices
这两个半球，由胼胝体连接在一起， are completely separate from one another.
使两个半球的神经传导得以互通。 For those of you who understand computers,
胼胝体是由三亿轴体光纤组成的。 our right hemisphere functions like a parallel processor,
但是除了那些联系， while our left hemisphere functions like a serial processor.
这两个半球则是完全独立的。 The two hemispheres do communicate with one another
因为它们传达的信息不同， through the corpus callosum,
我们每个脑半球的思考的东西也不一样， which is made up of some 300 million axonal fibers.
它们掌管的区域不一样，我敢说， But other than that,
它们有不同的特性。 the two hemispheres are completely separate.
打扰以下，谢谢你。很有意思吧。 Because they process information differently,
我们的右脑半球负责我们现在的事情。 each of our hemispheres think about different things,
它的内容就是：“此时，此刻。” they care about different things, and, dare I say,
而且我们的右脑半球，它是形象思维， they have very different personalities.
它通过我们身体的运动来感知。 Excuse me. Thank you. It's been a joy.
信息，以能量的形式， Assistant: It has been.
通过我们的感官系统同时注入大脑， (Laughter)
然后再分解成无数的抽象的拼图 Our right human hemisphere is all about this present moment.
继而呈现我们现在看起来是什么样， It's all about "right here, right now."
此刻有什么气味和味道， Our right hemisphere, it thinks in pictures
此刻的感觉是什么？听到了什么声音？ and it learns kinesthetically through the movement of our bodies.
通过大脑右半球的感觉， Information, in the form of energy, streams in simultaneously
使得自身的能量和周围的能量相结合。 through all of our sensory systems
通过我们右半脑的感觉， and then it explodes into this enormous collage
我们都是一个个互相联系的能量体，如同一个家庭。 of what this present moment looks like,
此时， what this present moment smells like and tastes like,
此刻，我们都是同一个星球上的兄弟姐妹， what it feels like and what it sounds like.
我们的目标是让这个世界更加的美好。 I am an energy-being connected to the energy all around me
而且此时此刻，我们和谐的生活在一起，我们是一个和谐的整体。 through the consciousness of my right hemisphere.
我的左脑半球，我们的左脑半球，则是一个完全不同的地方。 We are energy-beings connected to one another
我们左脑半球的思考是线性的，系统的。 through the consciousness of our right hemispheres
我们的左脑半球的内容 as one human family.
是关于过去和将来。 And right here, right now, we are brothers and sisters on this planet,
我们左脑半球的形成， here to make the world a better place.
是为了将此刻的大量抽象拼图， And in this moment we are perfect, we are whole and we are beautiful.
提取，然后分解成细节，很多的不同的细节。 My left hemisphere, our left hemisphere, is a very different place.
然后再综合， Our left hemisphere thinks linearly and methodically.
组织这些信息， Our left hemisphere is all about the past and it's all about the future.
和我们过去所学的一切联系起来， Our left hemisphere is designed to take
映射到我们的将来。 that enormous collage of the present moment
我们的左脑半球是逻辑思维模式。 and start picking out details, and more details about those details.
大脑不断运动联系了我， It then categorizes and organizes all that information,
我内在的世界，以及我的外在的世界。 associates it with everything in the past we've ever learned,
就是那些轻微的声音提醒我说，， and projects into the future all of our possibilities.
“嘿，记得在回家的路上带点香蕉回来。 And our left hemisphere thinks in language.
我早上想吃香蕉。” It's that ongoing brain chatter that connects me and my internal world
是那些智能程序提醒我， to my external world.
我得洗衣服了。但最重要的可能是， It's that little voice that says to me,
那些细小的声音在提醒我， "Hey, you've got to remember to pick up bananas on your way home.
“我就是我，我就是我。”然后我得左脑半球会提醒说“我就是我，” I need them in the morning."
因此我成为了一个独立的个体。 It's that calculating intelligence
我是一个独立的立体的个人， that reminds me when I have to do my laundry.
和周围其它的能量分离，也和你分离。 But perhaps most important, it's that little voice that says to me,
这就是早上中风的时候， "I am. I am."
我的大脑所丢失的部分。 And as soon as my left hemisphere says to me "I am,"
早上中风后， I become separate.
醒来时，感觉我得左眼很疼。 I become a single solid individual,
是一种钻心的疼。如同你咬了一口冰淇淋。 separate from the energy flow around me
先是紧紧地揪住我， and separate from you.
然后再释放。然后再揪住我， And this was the portion of my brain that I lost on the morning of my stroke.
再释放。它不同于我以往 On the morning of the stroke,
所经历的任何形式的疼痛。 I woke up to a pounding pain behind my left eye.
因此，我想着，我应该开始我的常规生活了。 And it was the kind of caustic pain that you get when you bite into ice cream.
我起床，然后跳到我的健身器材上， And it just gripped me --
它是一个活动全身部位的机器。 and then it released me.
正当我在运动的时候。 And then it just gripped me --
突然意识到我的手就像原始的爪子一样 and then it released me.
抓着扶手。我想，“这真的很奇特。” And it was very unusual for me to ever experience any kind of pain,
我观察了身体的状况，联想到，“哇， so I thought, "OK, I'll just start my normal routine."
“我看起来真是个奇怪的东西。”好像 So I got up and I jumped onto my cardio glider,
我的意识已经被搬离了我正常的 which is a full-body, full-exercise machine.
对于真实世界的感觉，就是我，是那个在器械上 And I'm jamming away on this thing,
保持运动的人，更深奥的说 and I'm realizing that my hands look like primitive claws
就是我亲眼目睹我自己经历这一切。 grasping onto the bar.
这非常特别，我头更疼了。 And I thought, "That's very peculiar."
我走下了器械， And I looked down at my body
走过起居室的时候， and I thought, "Whoa, I'm a weird-looking thing."
我意识到我体内的所有东西 And it was as though my consciousness had shifted away
都缓慢了下来。每一步都非常的僵硬而且非常谨慎。 from my normal perception of reality,
我的步伐没有灵活性， where I'm the person on the machine having the experience,
在我的感觉范围内，有了这种约束， to some esoteric space
于是我注意到了我体内的系统。 where I'm witnessing myself having this experience.
我站在淋浴间准备冲个澡 And it was all very peculiar, and my headache was just getting worse.
我能十分确定的听到 So I get off the machine,
我体内的对话。我听见一个小声音说到 and I'm walking across my living room floor,
“好了，肌肉，现在你们必须运动。 and I realize that everything inside of my body has slowed way down.
肌肉，你休息！” And every step is very rigid and very deliberate.
接着我失去了平衡，我倚靠着墙站立着。 There's no fluidity to my pace,
我低头看看我的胳膊， and there's this constriction in my area of perception,
发现我已经无法感觉我身体的界限了。 so I'm just focused on internal systems.
我也不知道我从哪里开始的将从哪里结束， And I'm standing in my bathroom
因为我胳膊上所有的原子和分子 getting ready to step into the shower,
都与墙上的原子分子融合在一起了。 and I could actually hear the dialogue inside of my body.
我能分辨出来的只有这种能量——这种能量。 I heard a little voice saying, "OK. You muscles, you've got to contract.
我对自己说，“我究竟是怎么了？ You muscles, you relax."
“发生了什么事？”而就在那个时候，我的脑子开始咔哒作响了—— And then I lost my balance, and I'm propped up against the wall.
我的左脑嗡嗡的响——突然一片寂静。 And I look down at my arm
就像有人拿起了一个远程遥控器 and I realize that I can no longer define the boundaries of my body.
按下了静音键。彻底的寂静。 I can't define where I begin and where I end,
起初我发现身处寂静之中， because the atoms and the molecules of my arm
非常吃惊，但马上我就 blended with the atoms and molecules of the wall.
被周围那种宏大的能量所迷惑了。 And all I could detect was this energy -- energy.
因为我已经不能感觉到 And I'm asking myself, "What is wrong with me?
身体的界限。我觉得自己非常巨大而且非常膨胀。 What is going on?"
通过这些能量我马上感觉到 And in that moment, my left hemisphere brain chatter went totally silent.
--很美妙。 Just like someone took a remote control and pushed the mute button.
接着突然我左脑回来了， Total silence.
它对我说：“嘿，我们遇到麻烦了！ And at first I was shocked to find myself inside of a silent mind.
我们遇到麻烦了！我们需要帮助！” But then I was immediately captivated
接着我反应过来，“阿，我遇到麻烦了！ by the magnificence of the energy around me.
我遇到麻烦了，”于是就像，“好吧，好吧，我遇到麻烦了！” And because I could no longer identify the boundaries of my body,
但然后我突然漂了回来 I felt enormous and expansive.
恢复了意识——我亲切的称 I felt at one with all the energy that was,
这种空间叫做“拉拉大地”。 and it was beautiful there.
那儿非常美。 Then all of a sudden my left hemisphere comes back online
想象你和你的大脑完全失去了联系 and it says to me, "Hey! We've got a problem!
而大脑本应该把你与外部世界联系起来的。 We've got to get some help."
因而我就在这种空间，而我的工作—— And I'm going, "Ahh! I've got a problem!"
以及所有与我工作相关的压力——都没了。 (Laughter)
我觉得身体很轻，想象： So it's like, "OK, I've got a problem."
外部世界的所有关系和 But then I immediately drifted right back out into the consciousness --
所有与那些关系相关的刺激——一切都没了。 and I affectionately refer to this space as La La Land.
我感觉很平静。 But it was beautiful there.
想象一下，一下子丢掉了37年情感重担，是什么样的感觉！ Imagine what it would be like to be totally disconnected
噢，我觉得非常快乐。 from your brain chatter that connects you to the external world.
非常快乐。非常美丽。 So here I am in this space,
接着，我的左脑又恢复了，它说 and my job, and any stress related to my job -- it was gone.
“嘿，你得注意 And I felt lighter in my body.
我们需要帮助！”接着我就想，“我需要帮助！” And imagine all of the relationships in the external world
我需要集中精神。 and any stressors related to any of those -- they were gone.
于是我走出淋浴间， And I felt this sense of peacefulness.
机械的穿上衣服，然后在我的屋子里走来走去。 And imagine what it would feel like to lose
我在想，“我必须去工作，我必须去工作 37 years of emotional baggage!
“我能开车吗？我能开车吗？” (Laughter) Oh! I felt euphoria --
那一刻，我的右手完全瘫痪了， euphoria.
我意识到 It was beautiful.
“噢天哪！我中风了！我中风了！” And again, my left hemisphere comes online and it says,
接着我的脑子对我说：“哇噢！ "Hey! You've got to pay attention.
“很酷嘛！这简直太酷了！” We've got to get help."
“有多少脑科专家能有机会 And I'm thinking, "I've got to get help. I've got to focus."
在他们自己的脑子上进行学术研究啊！” So I get out of the shower and I mechanically dress
（笑声） and I'm walking around my apartment,
接着我的脑子里回响，“但我是个非常忙的人！” and I'm thinking, "I've got to get to work. Can I drive?"
“我可没时间中风！ And in that moment,
接着我就像是，“那好吧，我没有办法阻止中风的发生， my right arm went totally paralyzed by my side.
那么我就这样过一两个礼拜， Then I realized, "Oh my gosh! I'm having a stroke!"
然后就回到自己本来的生活，嗯！ And the next thing my brain says to me is,
我需要帮助，我得给单位打个电话！” Wow! This is so cool!
但我记不起单位的电话号码了， (Laughter)
接着我想起在我的办公室我有一张名片 This is so cool!
上面有我的号码，于是我回到了我的屋里， How many brain scientists have the opportunity
我找出了一叠儿三英寸大小的名片。 to study their own brain from the inside out?"
我盯着名片的正面， (Laughter)
虽然我能看得很清楚我的名片长什么样儿， And then it crosses my mind, "But I'm a very busy woman!"
但是我却没有办法分辨出这张卡是不是我的， (Laughter)
或许是因为我能看到的只是像素一样的东西。 "I don't have time for a stroke!"
而且是名片的上的单词混合起来的像素。 So I'm like, "OK, I can't stop the stroke from happening,
就像是与背景和那些标点符号混合起来的， so I'll do this for a week or two, and then I'll get back to my routine. OK.
而我就是无法辨认。 So I've got to call help. I've got to call work."
之后我就等着，等着我希望的那种清楚地感觉出现。 I couldn't remember the number at work,
那个时候，我就能够 so I remembered, in my office I had a business card with my number.
重新与现实结合起来， So I go into my business room, I pull out a three-inch stack of business cards.
然后我也发现那不是我要的名片……那不是我要的名片……那不是我要的名片 And I'm looking at the card on top
我整整花了45分钟从那一叠儿名片中 and even though I could see clearly in my mind's eye
一张一张的找我的名片。 what my business card looked like,
同时经过这45分钟， I couldn't tell if this was my card or not,
我左脑里的积血越来越多了。 because all I could see were pixels.
我看不懂数字，我没办法打电话 And the pixels of the words blended with the pixels of the background
但是我也只能这样做了。 and the pixels of the symbols, and I just couldn't tell.
于是我把电话簿拿起来放在那儿，我拿起了名片 And then I would wait for what I call a wave of clarity.
也把它放在那儿， And in that moment, I would be able to reattach to normal reality
我把名片上那些乱七八糟的文字， and I could tell that's not the card... that's not the card.
和电话簿上那些乱七八糟的文字一一对比。 It took me 45 minutes to get one inch down inside of that stack of cards.
接着我又飘到了我的“拉拉大地”去了， In the meantime, for 45 minutes,
也不记得当我回到现实的时候， the hemorrhage is getting bigger in my left hemisphere.
我到底有没有拨通了那些号码。 I do not understand numbers, I do not understand the telephone,
我不得不把我那瘫掉的胳膊像举树桩一样举起 but it's the only plan I have.
移到那些号码上然后摁下 So I take the phone pad and I put it right here.
那样我就能够回到正常的现实里面 I take the business card, I put it right here,
告诉自己 ，“对，我已经拨通了那个号码！” and I'm matching the shape of the squiggles on the card
最终，整个号码被拨通了 to the shape of the squiggles on the phone pad.
我拿着听筒， But then I would drift back out into La La Land,
我的同事接听了电话，并对我说 and not remember when I came back if I'd already dialed those numbers.
“汪汪汪汪，”（笑声）我不禁想 So I had to wield my paralyzed arm like a stump
“天哪，他听起来就像一只金毛猎狗！” and cover the numbers as I went along and pushed them,
我就对他说，我记得很清楚，我对他说： so that as I would come back to normal reality,
“我是吉尔，我需要帮助！” I'd be able to tell, "Yes, I've already dialed that number."
但是我发出的声音却是，“汪汪汪汪汪！” Eventually, the whole number gets dialed and I'm listening to the phone,
我想，“天哪，我听起来也像一只金毛猎狗。” and my colleague picks up the phone and he says to me,
但我没法知道，我也不知道 "Woo woo woo woo." (Laughter)
直到我尝试了半天才明白我已经不能说或者听懂语言了。 (Laughter)
但他马上意识到我需要帮助，接着他帮助了我。 And I think to myself,
一会儿， "Oh my gosh, he sounds like a Golden Retriever!"
我就已经躺在从波士顿开往麻省综合医院的救护车里了。 (Laughter)
我蜷缩起来，把自己像婴儿那样卷成一个球。 And so I say to him -- clear in my mind, I say to him:
就像只剩最后一点点空气的气球， "This is Jill! I need help!"
就在那个气球外面， And what comes out of my voice is, "Woo woo woo woo woo."
我觉得我的能量流失了——我觉得我的精神投降了。 I'm thinking, "Oh my gosh, I sound like a Golden Retriever."
那个时候，我明白我已经 So I couldn't know -- I didn't know
不再是主宰自己生命的指导了。 that I couldn't speak or understand language until I tried.
医生拯救了我的身体， So he recognizes that I need help and he gets me help.
给了我第二次生存的机会， And a little while later, I am riding in an ambulance
这也许是我转折的那一刻。 from one hospital across Boston to [Massachusetts] General Hospital.
那天下午我醒来的时候，我非常惊讶地 And I curl up into a little fetal ball.
发现我仍然活着。当我发现我精神投降的时候， And just like a balloon with the last bit of air,
我已经对我的生命说了再见。 just right out of the balloon,
我的精神在两个完全相反的 I just felt my energy lift and just I felt my spirit surrender.
真实星球漂浮着。我感官系统带来的 And in that moment, I knew that I was no longer the choreographer of my life.
刺激就像纯粹的痛。 And either the doctors rescue my body and give me a second chance at life,
我的脑子就像野火一样燃烧， or this was perhaps my moment of transition.
声音非常吵杂和混乱，以至于我没有办法 When I woke later that afternoon,
从那些噪音中区别出任何一种声音， I was shocked to discover that I was still alive.
我只是想逃离。因为我无法辨别 When I felt my spirit surrender, I said goodbye to my life.
我身体所处的位置，我还是感觉巨大而且膨胀， And my mind was now suspended
就像是从瓶中获得解放的小鬼。 between two very opposite planes of reality.
我的灵魂自由的翱翔，就像一条大鲸鱼 Stimulation coming in through my sensory systems
在安静而快乐的海洋里面翻腾。 felt like pure pain.
天堂，我看到了天堂，我记得我想 Light burned my brain like wildfire,
我可能没有办法把我自己 and sounds were so loud and chaotic
重新积压到这个小小的躯体里。 that I could not pick a voice out from the background noise,
但我意识到，“我还活着，我还活着！ and I just wanted to escape.
而且我找到了天堂，如果我 Because I could not identify the position of my body in space,
找到了天堂而且我还活着，那么活着的每一个人 I felt enormous and expansive,
都能找到天堂。”我描绘了一个世界 like a genie just liberated from her bottle.
充满了美丽、宁逸、怜悯 And my spirit soared free,
友爱的人们，他们知道 like a great whale gliding through the sea of silent euphoria.
他们随时能够到这个空间。他们能够 Nirvana.
有目的的选择控制他们的左脑 I found Nirvana.
让他们找到和平。接着， And I remember thinking,
我意识到这是多么重大的一份礼物和经历阿！ there's no way I would ever be able to squeeze the enormousness of myself
对于我们如何生活，这是多么富有远见的一次中风阿！ back inside this tiny little body.
这成为了我恢复的动力。 But then I realized, "But I'm still alive!
出血两个半星期之后， I'm still alive, and I have found Nirvana.
外科医生帮我取出了一个高尔夫球般大小的血块 And if I have found Nirvana and I'm still alive,
它一直挤压着我的语言中枢。 then everyone who is alive can find Nirvana."
现在我和我妈妈在一起， And I pictured a world
她真的是我生命中的一位天使。我完全恢复整整用了八年。 filled with beautiful, peaceful, compassionate, loving people
我们是谁？我们是宇宙中生命的驱动力， who knew that they could come to this space at any time.
拥有灵巧的手工技艺以及两页富有认知的头脑。 And that they could purposely choose
我们有选择的力量，时时刻刻， to step to the right of their left hemispheres --
成为这个世界上我们希望成为的人。 and find this peace.
此时此刻，我能够迈入 And then I realized
我右脑所反应的意识领域，也就是我们所在的地方。 what a tremendous gift this experience could be,
我是宇宙的生命原动力。 what a stroke of insight this could be to how we live our lives.
我是组成我整体的五百亿 And it motivated me to recover.
美丽的、由分子组成的天才的原动力。 Two and a half weeks after the hemorrhage, the surgeons went in,
或者，我能够迈入我左脑 and they removed a blood clot the size of a golf ball
所反应的意识领域，我成为了一个个体， that was pushing on my language centers.
一个纯粹的个体。从流动中分离出来， Here I am with my mama,
从你们中分离出来，我是吉尔波尔特泰勒博士， who is a true angel in my life.
一位有知识的神经解剖学家。这就是我体内的那个“我们”。 It took me eight years to completely recover.
你愿意选择什么？你选择什么？什么时候？ So who are we?
我相信，我们花费更多的时间 We are the life-force power of the universe,
来选择运行我们右脑中埋藏深深的和平系统， with manual dexterity and two cognitive minds.
我们就会对这个世界产生更多的和谐， And we have the power to choose, moment by moment,
我们的星球也会变得更加安宁。 who and how we want to be in the world.
我认为这是一个值得去推广的主意。 Right here, right now,