The headlines tonight - fist-headed man destroys church...
car drives past window in town...
and Leicester man wins right to eat sister.
Now fact me till I fartl
Coming up as stories in the programme...
...peace talks collapse as Serbs strap 400 monkeys to the back of Owen's Volvo...
That does make it harder to reverse.
...and, "Leave us alone," say men from Saturn.
We want to go about our daily routines as far as is at all possible.
Buckingham Palace has announced that over 40 members of royal staff
have been destroyed to save money.
The 43 workers learned of their fate after church on Sunday.
They met the Queen and were told they would be slaughtered with scythes.
That evening, they were herded into a Sandringham attic and culled in less than 10 minutes
It's not known who conducted the killings, but Princess Margaret is believed to have been involved.
She was overheard yesterday saying...
Conditions on board the train stuck on the line for two days in Hampshire have deteriorated dramatically.
There are fears now for the lives and sanity of those on board.
Ted Maul has that story reporting.
At first the concern was for the commuters
stuck on a train because a signal got jammed by a dead bird.
But when farmer Peter Yates took them sandwiches this afternoon,
the situation changed dramatically.
Two commuters jumped him like raptors and threw him aboard.
20 minutes later, he managed to get off the train and tried to escape
but was lassoed by a man with a rope and pulped
Just over an hour after that, a naked Mr Yates appeared briefly for the last time,
trying to haul himself out of a window, but it was a naff effort.
Most ominously, this evening, the commuters were seen struggling with a sack
containing an object that was obviously as heavy as a human body
and then throwing some kind of weird ritual.
Many here fear the worst, that Mr Yates has been killed and sacrificed
by a group of ordinary men and women who less than two days ago
were content to sit opposite each other in silence,
yet today beat their chests and yell like savages.
Moments ago, we intercepted the sound of the guard trying to radio for help.
Get these people... I There's a woman... I (BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM)
Time now for sport with Alan Partridge. Alan, I've got to say that that soccer commentary was brilliant last night.
- Thank you. - It really was.
I mean, I'm not very interested in soccer but I was totally absorbed and entertained by the whole thing. Great!
Take a bit of extra time if you want. Do as much as you like on this, I'll be enjoying this too.
Tonight, we're going to look at self-defence...
Brilliant!
Now, self defence is no longer the preserve of hard men like Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin
More and more these days we all need to know how to get a bit handy.
Anyone who's been on public transport late at night will know that there are a lot of disturbed individuals out there.
One minute they could be babbling incoherently, the next they could be going for your person
What do you do? Well, this week is national self defence week,
so who better to tell us than one of Britain's best-loved judo fighting people,
Commonwealth silver medallist Adam Neils.
- Adam. - Hi.
Now, self defence is not about simply punching someone repeatedly in the face until they're unconscious, is it?
No, it's exactly what it says - defending yourself.
Self-defence with the minimum of force.
- Weaponry? - No, just your body. That's all...
- Snooker ball in a sock? - No, no.
- We teach people how to deal with that, but... - What do you call those things, the two sticks with the chain between them?
- Nunchuka. - Yeah, I like those.
Now, can we actually see some of the basics? Can you talk me through
Right. OK, Tanya? Right, well, we teach people to deal with anything
from a sort of general invasion of body space through to a specific attack...
So, if I was to go like this... Hey! No! Ooh!
- (CHOKING) Tell her to s... I can't breathe! - She's now taken control away from you...
- I cannot breathe! - Sorry.
She's wrested control away from you and has overcome you. The aggression has been turned against you.
- (CROAKS) What happened if someone attacked you from behind? - Right...if you were to attack me from behind-
- No! - Right. I throw you, I could throw you,
I could use an elbow block against you or I could shock you, immobilise you by just twisting the skin-
Get off! Chris!
The American car company General Motors
have today announced a cut in their workforce at their plant in Detroit.
Our economics correspondent, Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan, is there at the moment.
- Peter, what's going on? - Chris, it's a mass redundancy measure
it's the biggest layoff in American industrial history
35,000 jobs in one fell swoop. Gone!
- 35,000? - Yes.
Peter, there's only 25,000 people at the plant!
That's right, Chris. Mass redundancy on an unprecedented scale.
Would you mind telling me how the plant can function on minus 10,000 workers?
- I don't know. You tell me. - I'll tell you what, Peter.
You mean 35 hundred workers have been sacked.
No, 35 thousand. It's all here.
Let me see what you've got down there.
- It's 35 hundred. You're right. I made a mistake. - Peter, I want to see it. I don't want to hear anything more out of your mouth, I don't believe it.
- Now show me your notes. - No.
- Yes! - It's 35 hundred.
Show me, I don't believe what you're saying. I just want to see the numbers. Now hold them up.
Hold them up and keep them up!
And rotate them 180 degrees in my favour!
Do it!
- Peter, What's that? - I don't have a monitor, Chris. I can't see what you are doing
You know what I'm talking about. It's just above your right eye.
Yes.
A cobweb.
And how's a cobweb going to dig you out of your numerical mess?
I don't know.
Peter, You're lying in a news grave. Do you know what's written on your headstone?
News.
Peter, thank you. Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan live in Detroit.
What... is a gay?
Now back to the stuck train. One of the commuters, now no more than a bunch of wild savages, has given himself up.
Here's Ted Maul.
All afternoon, aggressive volleys of rubbish thwarted attempts to get the train moving again.
Barricaded into his engine, the driver has constantly to defend himself with tools.
Then, in a rare lull - perhaps the commuters were sleeping or praying to some new god -
one of them left the train.
Gerard Hawt, a civil aviation engineer, had broken free from the train of hell,
but it had left its mark.
The man was in no state to give an interview, but it was possible to extract the following information
The commuters are split into two factions,
one led by a woman believed to be an insurance broker from Staines
they wear blue ink on their heads - and a smaller group who worship fire.
They rallied round a grease-monkey from Acton.
With the signal here still jammed by the dead bird, there's only one hope now -
that a police marksman can shoot it out, giving the driver a slim chance
of making it to Liverpool Street before he's torn to pieces.
Time for travel now from Valerie Sinatra in the travel pod a mile above the centre of Great Britain.
Valerie, tell me about everything!
- I don't know about everything Chris - I could teach you.
I do know that it's best to avoid this evening the A1(M) south of Newcastle.
There's a crash that's been going on for several weeks and so far it's involved 9000 vehicles
so that's really deathsville.
Good news, however, for travellers on the M25.
Workers have finished cobbling that, so that's great.
The M6, however, in Liverpool is still at a standstill. That's due to the mad cow hanging from a bridge.
The M50 is clogged again- that's not my fault -
and the M11 is slow between junctions 5 and 6 due to some police escorting some birds to the coast
- That's about it, really. - I don't know, It's like a Robertson's factory down there.
- Sorry? - All the jam.
That's right! Golly!
Gay desk now, from Colin Poppshed.
Thanks, Chris. Quick roundup of today's gayness, now starting with the roads.
The M70 the A3, the B664 and the A48(M), they're all gay as from midnight tonight.
The gay elements are potassium,
zinc, hydrogen, copper and argon.
Quick look at the world's walls, the Wailing Wall is gay, Hadrian's Wall is very gay,
the Great Wall of China's not gay and the Old London Wall's also stopped being gay.
Gay cars next, they're the same as last night
All Volkswagens registered between 1982 and 1985 they stay gay for another fortnight.
And finally, the gay seas are the Caspian and the Mediterranean, so see you there.
- Chris. - Thanks, Colin.
He's not gay, by the way. We wouldn't employ a homosexual.
Offices. We all know what they're like. "Can I borrow a stapler, please?"
But many are undergoing radical restructuring through the work of Lester Beck of Events International.
His latest project was on the offices and people of Clubrox Pharmaceuticals in Windsor.
Yeah, we can ... as much as you want, Harry...
(REPORTER) Anthony Ponn is Clubrox's office manager.
He and his sale staff are about to become part of a unique experiment in management training.
An experiment they shall never forget,
and from which one of them will never physically recover.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) So what we must do is construct a raft,
and onto the raft we will put ourselves...
Lester Beck is the author of a radical management system known as "disassemblage".
The disassemblage procedure relies on dismantling
each employee's emotional make-up,
and then reassembling it in a different order.
What are we? Are we human?
Are we fully human or are we not human?
What does it mean to be not human?
We need to be human.
Hmm?
So, let's get it into the present, huh?
Let's kick some ass into life!
The team convene at 6am of the first day and are immediately disassembled.
You know that you often say "er" instead of speaking? Did you know that?
- No. - Has everyone else noticed this about Anthony?
- (ALL) Yes. - Every time you say "er",
we're going to remind you that you are saying "er" by going "er" as well. OK?
Don't take it personally.
- Er, I... - (ALL) Er!
- I'm the, er... - Er!
- I'm the office manager, er... - Er!
- I'm responsible for the, er... - Er!
The... I'm the office manager. I'm re... Er...
- Er! - All right! Stop it!
Stop it!
(LESTER) Good.
I want you to give Christine a gift,
and the gift you're gonna give Christine is the gift of the truth of who she is to you.
John.
You dress like an old lady and you've got a stupid face.
Good. Hit Christine.
- Christine, say thank you. - Thank you.
Good. Lisa.
You're hairy and you're lonely and you...
- Just two will do Lisa. - You're hairy and you're lonely.
Hit Christine. Good. Anthony.
You've got no sense of humour and you're always there.
Christine, hit Anthony.
- Ow! - Good.
Beck takes the team out into the field to test purchasing techniques.
OK, what we're going to do we're going to buy a newspaper,
OK, and this is where we're going to get what we want.
John.
Hello, my name's John. I'd like a "Today" newspaper, please.
25? Got the right change. Thank you very much.
Good, John! Anthony!
- Can I just ask? - Buy a paper, Anthony!
- One thing, though... - Buy a paper!
I don't know, because I've already bought one, you see, and I don't know if I should buy the same one or, er-
- That's not important for the exercise! - (ALL) Er!
- Can I have, er? - Er!
- Please stop it! - Er!
Buy a paper! Buy some candy! I don't care!
I don't know! I've got the "Mirror"!
I've got it! I've got the "Mirror"!
Coming up - Clinton welcomed home after machine-gunning 400 buffalo...
and the seige on the stuck train has ended.
A police marksman shot the dead bird out of the signal at 7 o'clock this evening
and the train, which had been stuck on the line for 57 hours, full of commuters going berzerk,
pulled off in a cloud of burnt diesel.
By the time they arrived in London,
most of the commuters had put their clothes back on and wiped off the blood.
More cuts in the NHS have been announced today.
Here with a resumé of its 30-year decline, Pheeona Haahlahm.
Few people would deny that were it one of its own patients, the NHS would be on the critical list.
What was once the healthy bouncing boy-child of Ernest Bevin
is now barely more than a disease-wracked breathless corpse, but why?
In 1979, funding for the NHS stood at over 10 billion pounds.
But by the late '80s, government cuts left the service with 37% less cash.
So that's only 3% in real terms.
So what, in the end, will happen...
...to this?
- Chris. - Thank you, Pheeona.
I'm joined by the Junior Minister of Health, in our one- to-one discussion area, Matthew Krean.
Now, Mr Krean, you've taken the money out of the NHS, you're the man responsible here, what do you say?
I want, I want to say... I want to discuss this report.
- Well, let's not discuss this report, let's discuss the figures - No, we have to discuss the report, because this report is a tissue of lies!
- It is... - Hang on a second, let's just stick to the figures, shall we?
- You're destroying the lives of patients, what do you say about that? - No, I want to stick to this report!
- This report is a tissue of lies, it's completely jaundiced- - What are you saying? Lies?
Absolute lies! It's nonsense from beginning to end! Lies.
- How dare you say this! - I want it to ... I think this report is a perfect example of tabloid television-
I'm not prepared to listen to this. I'm not having anymore of this I didn't come here for this.
I don't want to come back again.
(CHRIS CONTINUES MUTTERING)
(CHRIS) I'm off. And I'm never coming back.
"The Day Today" - bagpiping fact into newsl
"Enviromation", from me, Rosy May.
The war raging between two nations of crabs in the Bay of Biscay has claimed more human lives.
Last night, a Portuguese trawler was dragged underwater
by the turbulence of a massive battle between over 400 million crabs
fighting for territory on the ocean floor.
Blinking. In England, over 700 million hours a year are spent blinking.
That's why a Leeds firm has built a special light which switches itself off for the duration of each blink
The device is also triggered by other activities which don't require light
such as sleeping and grieving.
I'm Rosy May and the world is at my teat.
Staying now with the world, but it's the human world this time
which is around... the animal world and sometimes on top of it,
making politics and events, rather than environment stuff,
with "The Day Today" international news round-up.
Moscow.
Hello, Chris. Here in Moscow, it's Russia's chronic nuclear waste problem
that's dominating the news live this hour.
The latest plan is to hand out small parcels of plutonium waste to schoolchildren.
Nuclear experts visit schools and the children are taught songs
celebrating the efficiency of atomic power.
(SINGS)
At the end od the day, the children queue up for their plutonium,
which comes in a bag, bearing the instruction "Take this home and deal with it".
(CHRIS) Tokyol
Thanking you, live from Tokyo, where it's 3:30 in the morning.
That's minus 7 in new Japanese time.
In just seven hours, the first of 30 full-size duplicate Japans will be switched on,
and all clocks will be reset to 00000.
The new Japans have been three years in construction,
involving perfect replication of cities and people and children.
The raft of new countries, which extends over 5,000 miles into the Pacific,
has been hidden until now, but was spotted yesterday from an aeroplane.
Japan has so far refused to comment.
(CHRIS) Romel
Live, thanks, from Rome, where the two French boys who hacked into the Vatican computers
and changed Catholic doctrine are still being held by cardinals in Assisi.
In a sensational development today, a video showing Stefan and Jed Mandrot,
bruised but alive, was broadcast on Italian television with Vatican approval.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
The boys were snatched from the street two days ago and held in a turret
after admitting they had tapped into the new Vatican theology bank,
a computer which contains the full doctrine and law of the Catholic church
The Vatican realised the computer had been tampered with
when they discovered Jesus had died of food poisoning in aged 19
and Lou Reed had been canonised as a saint.
And that's the way the world is today from Rome.
- From Tokyo. - And from Moscow.
(ALL) Goodbye. Chris.
Wrong, all of you! Because Collately Sisters is doing the business, not me.
Thanks, Chris. And there was a big whoop of dismay in the city today, Chris,
when Troublefinch Duskyholdings chopped off an eighth at 2.44
after a disappointing gutter surge tomorrow.
Chris. The Central Numerical Council issued the new seven today.
It'll be three kilos heavier than the old seven, and made of glass.
Chris. Collately Sisters.
Spackhandy Choptubes up 2.4,
but let's see how the pound did today with a quick look at the Currency Susan.
And as you can see it started off today quite healthily as a medium Susan,
while the yen surged to a quite attractive, popular Susan, by close of trading
with the mark resting on a plain, dumpy Susan with bad ears.
Chris. Summary. Business. Chris.
Your complaints.
This is my complaint, right.
TV is the most unkinnin', unhappenin', unsucceeded piece o' sheet in the 'hood now.
You gotta get it, totally discount ya.
More in the area, see? I'm talkin' more ragga, more boggle,
more death metal and Belgian house.
You hear me? Let's get TV bangin', mud the far cuss.
When I drive my car, I am not driving,
I am participating in a conspiracy called traffic. I will walk.
Time now for the weather with Sylvester Stuart on the weather pinball.
Starting tonight in the southwest, where it should rain in drops the size of a wrestler.
But fortunately, most of the rain there not quite reaching the ground.
On now to Scotland and the north of England quite warm, about the temperature of a cow.
However, a very stupid area of low pressure, moving from the Midlands, will bring some heavy breezes later on,
a bit like the first rush of euphoria induced by a large dose of heroin
On to the north-east, there'll be some heavy thunder there, about as loud as a woman.
The summary, then... Cool-showers-wet, cool-showers-wet, cool-showers-wet...
- Time now for Alan Partridge - got some sport for us? - Certainly have.
Great.
And just some late-night soccer results. Here they are f... for division two.
Goodnight.
Your complaints.
This...this is my complaint, right?
TV is the most unkinking, unhappening
unsussed piece o' sheet in the 'hood right now.
- Look at the lens. - Oh, sorry.
You gotta get it. Totally discount ya.
More in the area, see? I'm talking more ragga, more boogle,
- more death... mental and... - Death metal.
...death metal and Belgian house.
You hear me? Let's get TV banging, mud far... mud the far cuss.
- And look at the camera again and nod your head as you say that. - Mud the far cuss.
And say that again once more into the camera for the last bit
- Mud the far cuss. - Thank you sir
Back now to The Day Today documentary on the efforts of Lester Beck
to revamp the people and offices of Clubrox Chemicals in Windsor.
OK. Let's make...
Day three, and Lester Beck places a powerful new variable in the office environment.
If we released a live pig into the office, how would you be able to cope? Lisa?
What? The pig that's... our anger?
No pig, a real pig. What would happen? Would you be able to cope? Let's see.
OK. Please release the pig!
- Release the pig, please! - (LISA) Oh, no! Is a pig!
OK, this is Snorkle. Say hello to Snorkle the pig.
- Get involved with the pig! - Who allowed this?!
It's standard practice at Events International to intertextualise...
(ANTHONY) This is my office!
- Get a knife! - Shh!
- Get a knife! Let's kill it! - (ANTHONY) Stop it!
- Get a knife or something... - This is my office!
Shh! Anthony, wi? And you.
- Stop shouting! - It might have a baby!
- It will if you keep shouting. - Listen to Christine, she's speaking sense here-
And you stop shouting. ple... and Please
Can we just? Just let's put some paper down and keep it happy.
Come on! Come on, pig!
(PHONE RINGS)
See, the pig doesn't care about you, but you care about the pig. This is your problem.
Hello? Um... Um... We're a bit... tied up at the moment. C-Can it wait?
- (LESTER) Tell them about the pig. - Well, we've got, er... We've got, er...
- (ALL) Er! - I'm sorry. We've got a pig in the office.
A pig. Yes, it is a real one.
Please continue that conversation...
Meanwhile, in training sessions,
one employee, John Histons, questions Beck's techniques.
Let me ask you a question, when you go to the toilet,
do you have an Armitage Shanks interface defecation scenario, or do you just have a shit?
Mommy's gone, and you want to cry like a baby.
You...
That's good, John. Help him on to the carpet.
- Down you come. - And John? John?
I want you to Imagine that the carpet is your mother. Beat up on your mom who left you!
Go on! Get it out, John. Go on!
- Go on! Hit it! Hit it John! - Don't cheat on yourself.
- Imagine it's your mother! Go on! - It's your mother
- (JOHN) Why did you go? - Kick it! Go on! Kick it!
She left you John. She didn't understand that you were suffering.
and it's taken you 25 years to get over it but you're doing it now, John.
- That's good. Beat up on the carpet! - (LISA) Go on, John. Don't give up!
- She's taken all the best years of my life... - Christine, Christine, don't get too excited.
OK, let's look at next week, please...
Three months later, the office at Clubrox has been rationalised.
...tell him to ring back in five, please..
- em.. and the Egham account.... - I'll do it on the same day.
Lisa, now. the dry-calling in the Windsor area was very weak last week.
If you could really push it next week, that would be excellent.
- Yes, I can. - Brilliant. That's all.
For John Histons, the training course was his last memory of the company.
He left shortly after it to follow a new direction.
Well, a lot people very surprised when ended up in a butcher's,
but... the office, well, it wasn't really me, you know?
But here I know... exactly what to do.
I like meat. I like working with meat. I'm happy with it.
In a way, I respect it more than people.
(INTERVIEWER) If you saw Lester Beck, how would you react?
Er...
I'd probably stab him with this knife.
"The Day Today" - news feltch!
And just time for a quick look at tomorrow's, er...
"The Independent" - " Bank of England recovers from swollen chairman unusualness."
The "Telegraph" go with, "Simon Rattle lost in cress."
The " Daily Mail" pretty keen on " Lassoed bat wins Booker." they devote four pages to that.
The "Daily Mirror" rather upset, "Fleetwood Mac buried in dog avalanche."
And "Today" ride with "Old woman killed by little glass planet."
that's a story there by Andrew Penman Due to a printing error tomorrow's "Guardian" is full of water.
That's it. That's "The Day Today" on the day the world learned that Cliff Richard is pregnant.
Goodnight.