1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,434
 <i>( harmonica wails )</i>

2
00:00:05,434 --> 00:00:09,534
 <i>( theme music playing )</i>

3
00:00:43,334 --> 00:00:45,334
( laughing )

4
00:00:52,834 --> 00:00:54,734
YEAH, I KNOW
NOBODY'S BEEN WORKING.

5
00:00:54,734 --> 00:00:56,767
THIS SOUNDS REAL GOOD.

6
00:00:56,767 --> 00:00:58,834
- BOING.
- WELL, N--

7
00:00:58,834 --> 00:01:02,734
THANKS, YEAH.
NO, I'M HERE ALL DAY.

8
00:01:02,734 --> 00:01:05,400
GIVE ME A CALL AS SOON AS YOU
FIND OUT SOMETHING FOR SURE.

9
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,968
OKAY, MAN, THANKS A LOT.
BYE-BYE. WHOO!

10
00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:10,334
ALL RIGHT, YOUR OLD MAN'S
GOING BACK TO WORK.

11
00:01:10,334 --> 00:01:12,801
- DID DWIGHT GET A JOB FOR YOU?
- MAYBE.

12
00:01:12,801 --> 00:01:15,534
HE'S PRETTY SURE
HE'S GOT SOMETHING LINED UP
FOR THE STANFORD BUIL'.

13
00:01:15,534 --> 00:01:18,300
SOME GUY WANTS
HIS KITCHEN REMODELED.
BE A COUPLE WEEKS WORK.

14
00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:20,634
HE'S GOING TO CALL ME BACK
AS SOON AS IT'S DEFINITE.

15
00:01:20,634 --> 00:01:24,934
GREAT, MAYBE I CAN FINALLY
GET YOU OUT OF THIS HOUSE.

16
00:01:24,934 --> 00:01:29,534
* YOU'RE GOING TO MISS ME
ADEE, ADEE, ADEE *

17
00:01:29,534 --> 00:01:31,100
SO'S THAT SOFA.

18
00:01:31,100 --> 00:01:33,834
THE ONLY THING YOU'VE BEEN
DOING FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS

19
00:01:33,834 --> 00:01:36,033
IS JUST LAYIN' THERE,
WATCHING TV

20
00:01:36,033 --> 00:01:37,634
AND BUFFIN' OUT YOUR NAILS.

21
00:01:38,634 --> 00:01:40,634
HOW DO THEY LOOK?

22
00:01:46,434 --> 00:01:48,801
( giggling )

23
00:01:48,801 --> 00:01:50,801
GET OFF!

24
00:01:50,801 --> 00:01:54,033
QUIT BOTHERING ME!

25
00:01:54,033 --> 00:01:57,200
GET BACK IN THERE AND FIX
YOUR FOUR-STAR CHILI.

26
00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,767
YOU ONLY MARRIED ME
FOR MY COOKING.

27
00:01:59,767 --> 00:02:01,567
HUH-UH.

28
00:02:01,567 --> 00:02:04,367
I MARRIED YOU 'CAUSE YOU
NEEDED A DATE FOR YOUR WEDDING.

29
00:02:08,234 --> 00:02:11,234
 <i>SO WHEN IS THIS CHILI</i>
 <i>MASTERPIECE GONNA BE DONE?</i>

30
00:02:11,234 --> 00:02:13,734
HEY, YOU DON'T RUSH GREAT ART.

31
00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:16,167
MAKE SURE YOU
MAKE ENOUGH FOR JACKIE.

32
00:02:18,567 --> 00:02:20,734
SHE'S COMING OVER?

33
00:02:20,734 --> 00:02:23,868
HONEY, DOESN'T SHE COME OVER
EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY?

34
00:02:23,868 --> 00:02:26,701
I WAS JUST THINKING
MAYBE SHE'D MISS A DAY.

35
00:02:26,701 --> 00:02:30,133
YOU KNEW WHEN YOU MARRIED ME
THAT I HAD A SISTER.

36
00:02:30,133 --> 00:02:31,634
I DIDN'T THINK SHE'D
BE HERE EVERY WEEKEND.

37
00:02:31,634 --> 00:02:35,434
HELL, I DIDN'T THINK
I'D BE HERE EVERY WEEKEND.

38
00:02:36,934 --> 00:02:40,100
IF SHE HAD A LIFE OF HER OWN,
SHE WOULDN'T HAVE TO RUIN MINE.

39
00:02:40,100 --> 00:02:41,501
 <i>I'M TELLING YOU, HONEY,</i>

40
00:02:41,501 --> 00:02:44,968
TWO MINUTES AFTER
SHE WALKS IN--
PUT THOSE DOWN.

41
00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:48,000
 <i>PUT THOSE DOWN.</i>

42
00:02:51,033 --> 00:02:53,167
( shouting )

43
00:02:55,968 --> 00:02:57,400
( shouting )

44
00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,267
- DROP 'EM.
- OKAY.

45
00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:02,767
OKAY, ANYWAY,
WHERE WAS I?

46
00:03:02,767 --> 00:03:05,501
A FEW MINUTES AFTER
SHE WALKS THROUGH THAT DOOR,

47
00:03:05,501 --> 00:03:07,667
SHE'S GONNA SAY, "DAN,
YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?"

48
00:03:07,667 --> 00:03:09,567
"DAN, YOU KNOW WHAT
YOUR PROBLEM IS?"

49
00:03:09,567 --> 00:03:12,234
- OH, DON'T START.
- I HEAR THAT ONE MORE TIME,

50
00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:16,033
I'LL TIE HER TO THAT CHAIR
AND MAKE HER WATCH
15 YEARS OF OUR HOME MOVIES.

51
00:03:16,033 --> 00:03:20,000
WELL, NOW, THAT IS
THE CRUELEST THING YOU'VE
EVER SAID, YOU BEAST.

52
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,934
- ( sinister laughter )
- (door closes)

53
00:03:21,934 --> 00:03:25,067
- Jackie: <i>ANYBODY HOME?</i>
- WHEW! NO, WE MOVED.

54
00:03:25,067 --> 00:03:26,968
Kids:
 <i>HI, JACKIE!</i>

55
00:03:26,968 --> 00:03:29,601
DAN, WHAT'S WRONG?

56
00:03:29,601 --> 00:03:31,434
MY SISTER-IN-LAW'S HERE.

57
00:03:31,434 --> 00:03:32,701
( crying noises )

58
00:03:34,234 --> 00:03:37,100
THE WORLD-FAMOUS CHEF
IS DICING ONIONS

59
00:03:37,100 --> 00:03:40,834
- FOR HIS FOUR-STAR CHILI.
- I LOVE CHILI.

60
00:03:40,834 --> 00:03:43,367
- LET ME HAVE A TASTE.
- I CAN GIVE YOU SOME TO GO.

61
00:03:43,367 --> 00:03:44,934
MMM.

62
00:03:44,934 --> 00:03:49,033
WELL, I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL
MY APPETITE FOR DINNER.

63
00:03:51,467 --> 00:03:53,901
YOU INVITED HER TO DINNER?

64
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:57,534
NOT YET. JACKIE, HONEY,
WHY DON'T YOU STAY FOR DINNER?

65
00:03:57,534 --> 00:04:01,667
THAT'LL BE CONVENIENT
SINCE I'M SPENDING THE NIGHT.

66
00:04:04,701 --> 00:04:06,267
SPENDING THE NIGHT?

67
00:04:06,267 --> 00:04:09,200
YEAH, THE PIPES IN
MY APARTMENT FROZE AGAIN.

68
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:10,334
I DON'T HAVE ANY WATER.

69
00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:13,801
I CAN GET YOU
SOME WATER TO GO.

70
00:04:13,801 --> 00:04:17,000
DAN, YOU KNOW
WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

71
00:04:18,234 --> 00:04:21,567
YOU WANT ME TO SET UP
THE PROJECTOR NOW?

72
00:04:22,934 --> 00:04:26,000
YOU DON'T PUT ENOUGH PEPPER
IN THE CHILI.

73
00:04:28,501 --> 00:04:32,133
I HAPPEN TO PUT THE PERFECT
AMOUNT OF PEPPERS IN MY CHILI.

74
00:04:32,133 --> 00:04:34,067
IT'S TOO BLAND.

75
00:04:34,067 --> 00:04:35,767
ROSIE, IS MY CHILI TOO BLAND?

76
00:04:35,767 --> 00:04:37,167
ABSOLUTELY NOT!

77
00:04:37,167 --> 00:04:40,801
YOUR CHILI IS JUST LIKE YOU,
HOT AND SPICY.

78
00:04:42,968 --> 00:04:44,367
HEY, AUNT JACKIE.

79
00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:46,567
HI, SWEETHEART.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

80
00:04:46,567 --> 00:04:48,834
- "TEENAGE LIFE."
- OH, MY GOD, ROSEANNE.

81
00:04:48,834 --> 00:04:50,501
- YOU REMEMBER THAT?
- OH, YEAH.

82
00:04:50,501 --> 00:04:52,200
WE USED TO READ
ALL THOSE ARTICLES

83
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,334
ABOUT HOW TO BE
THE PERFECT WOMAN.

84
00:04:54,334 --> 00:04:55,634
YEAH, THOSE WERE GREAT.

85
00:04:55,634 --> 00:04:58,601
MY FAVORITE ONE WAS
"50 WAYS TO SAY I LOVE YOU

86
00:04:58,601 --> 00:05:01,801
USING ONLY YOUR EYES."

87
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,400
THERE'S THIS GREAT ARTICLE
IN HERE

88
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,834
ABOUT HOW TO READ YOUR
BOYFRIEND'S BODY LANGUAGE.

89
00:05:05,834 --> 00:05:08,000
IF YOUR BOYFRIEND'S BODY
STARTS TALKING

90
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,601
I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT.

91
00:05:09,601 --> 00:05:12,567
I HAPPEN TO KNOW QUITE A BIT
ABOUT BODY LANGUAGE.

92
00:05:12,567 --> 00:05:15,100
YEAH? TELL YOUR BODY
TO GO HOME?

93
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:18,467
( laughing )

94
00:05:18,467 --> 00:05:22,968
REBECCA, YOUR FATHER'S WORDS
ARE SAYING "GO HOME."

95
00:05:22,968 --> 00:05:25,501
BUT HIS BODY IS SAYING

96
00:05:25,501 --> 00:05:29,501
THAT HE LOVES AND ADORES
HIS SISTER-IN-LAW.

97
00:05:29,501 --> 00:05:32,334
HEY, JACKIE, READ THIS.

98
00:05:38,801 --> 00:05:41,000
Dan: <i>ALL RIGHT...</i>

99
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,334
I HAD A SODIE ON THE COUNTER.
WHO TOOK IT?

100
00:05:43,334 --> 00:05:45,300
- D.J.: NOT ME.
- SODA PHANTOM.

101
00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:46,667
YOU MEAN THIS?

102
00:05:46,667 --> 00:05:48,567
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

103
00:05:48,567 --> 00:05:50,901
- I WAS DRINKING THAT.
- I'M SORRY. HERE.

104
00:05:50,901 --> 00:05:53,167
I AIN'T GONNA DRINK IT
IF YOU SLOBBERED ALL OVER IT.

105
00:05:53,167 --> 00:05:55,033
CAREFUL, DAD.
YOU'LL GET COOTIES.

106
00:05:55,033 --> 00:05:57,100
HEY,
I DON'T HAVE COOTIES.

107
00:05:57,100 --> 00:05:59,234
OH, YEAH?
WHAT'S THIS?

108
00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:00,767
( shrieking )

109
00:06:00,767 --> 00:06:03,801
CUT IT OUT! DAN!

110
00:06:03,801 --> 00:06:06,267
IT'S GETTING BIGGER!
IT'S GETTING BIGGER!

111
00:06:06,267 --> 00:06:07,934
 <i>CUT IT OUT.</i>

112
00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:11,367
GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN
AND SPICE UP THAT BLAND
CHILI OF YOURS.

113
00:06:11,367 --> 00:06:15,000
HEY, YOU CAN INSULT MY WIFE
AND YOU CAN INSULT MY CHILDREN

114
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,667
BUT DON'T BADMOUTH MY CHILI.

115
00:06:17,667 --> 00:06:18,534
( shrieking )

116
00:06:18,534 --> 00:06:21,534
CAN YOU HAND ME THE GLUE?

117
00:06:22,834 --> 00:06:24,767
YOU GUYS
ARE DOING REALLY GOOD.

118
00:06:24,767 --> 00:06:27,100
I KNOW, I'M IN CHARGE
OF THE GLUE.

119
00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:29,267
- YOU KNOW
 WHAT YOU NEED THOUGH?
- Darlene: HUH?

120
00:06:29,267 --> 00:06:32,367
LOOK IN THE PICTURE.
YOU NEED A DRAWBRIDGE.

121
00:06:32,367 --> 00:06:35,834
YEAH, THAT'S COOL.

122
00:06:35,834 --> 00:06:39,000
GO OUT IN THE GARAGE AND GET ME
A PIECE OF WOOD THAT BIG.

123
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:43,367
DON'T MOVE YOUR FINGERS.
IT'S GOTTA BE EXACTLY THAT SIZE.

124
00:06:46,133 --> 00:06:48,367
GREETINGS, ALIEN.

125
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:51,033
NOT NOW, MOM.

126
00:06:51,033 --> 00:06:53,400
HEY, JACKIE,
THE WASHING MACHINE'S FREE.

127
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,901
OKAY, THANKS.

128
00:06:55,901 --> 00:06:59,167
BOY, YOU'RE REALLY PUTTING IN
SOME TIME ON THIS.

129
00:06:59,167 --> 00:07:01,767
- YEAH, I KNOW.
- IT MUST BE IMPORTANT.

130
00:07:01,767 --> 00:07:04,767
NO, NOT REALLY.

131
00:07:04,767 --> 00:07:06,200
IT'S JUST FOR FUN.

132
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:09,734
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
A STORY JUST FOR FUN.

133
00:07:09,734 --> 00:07:12,200
NO, NOT A STORY!

134
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:14,701
ONCE UPON A TIME,
THERE WAS A...

135
00:07:14,701 --> 00:07:16,801
ONCE UPON A TIME,
THERE WAS THIS LITTLE GIRL

136
00:07:16,801 --> 00:07:21,200
WHO RAN AWAY FROM HOME
'CAUSE HER MOTHER TOLD HER
LONG, BORING STORIES.

137
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,033
SHUT UP, YOU.

138
00:07:23,033 --> 00:07:26,000
ONCE UPON A TIME,
THERE WAS A BEAUTIFUL QUEEN

139
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,801
AND SHE LIVED IN
A BEAUTIFUL PALACE.

140
00:07:28,801 --> 00:07:32,467
AND SHE HAD A BEAUTIFUL
AND LOVELY LITTLE DAUGHTER.

141
00:07:32,467 --> 00:07:35,000
- HER NAME WAS--
- LET ME GUESS, MOM.

142
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,567
DARLENE.

143
00:07:36,567 --> 00:07:39,434
NO, SMARTMOUTH,
IT WAS DARLENA.

144
00:07:41,767 --> 00:07:44,200
ANYWAY, THE BEAUTIFUL QUEEN
WAS PUZZLED,

145
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:50,000
AND SHE ASKED DARLENA
"WHY ART THOU
BUILDING THIS THING?"

146
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:53,000
AND DARLENA REPLIED,

147
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,767
"DON'T TRY AND FIGURE IT OUT.
JUST LIVE WITH IT."

148
00:07:57,300 --> 00:07:59,334
WHAT IS THIS
ALL ABOUT, DARLENE?

149
00:07:59,334 --> 00:08:00,801
WHAT?

150
00:08:00,801 --> 00:08:03,200
LEVEL WITH ME.

151
00:08:07,133 --> 00:08:09,601
MOM...

152
00:08:09,601 --> 00:08:10,901
I'M FLUNKING HISTORY.

153
00:08:10,901 --> 00:08:13,467
UH-HUH...

154
00:08:13,467 --> 00:08:17,968
WELL, CRANE SAID IF I DID
THIS CASTLE FOR EXTRA CREDIT

155
00:08:17,968 --> 00:08:20,267
AND DID OKAY
ON THE NEXT TEST,

156
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,267
I MIGHT PASS.

157
00:08:22,267 --> 00:08:24,000
UH-HUH.

158
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,601
SO THAT'S WHY I GOTTA
GET THIS IN BY MONDAY.

159
00:08:27,601 --> 00:08:31,901
OH. THEN I'M GONNA
LET YOU GET BACK TO WORK.

160
00:08:31,901 --> 00:08:34,133
- WAIT, AREN'T YOU
 GONNA YELL AT ME?
- NO.

161
00:08:34,133 --> 00:08:36,968
AREN'T YOU GONNA TELL ME
HOW BRIGHT I AM,

162
00:08:36,968 --> 00:08:39,868
BUT I NEVER APPLY MYSELF
AND ALWAYS WAIT TILL
THE LAST MINUTE?

163
00:08:39,868 --> 00:08:42,300
YOU DON'T NEED TO HEAR
THAT AGAIN, DO YOU?

164
00:08:51,267 --> 00:08:53,601
YEAH, I WENT OUT
WITH HIM ON FRIDAY.

165
00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:55,567
I HADN'T TOLD YOU THAT.
RIGHT.

166
00:08:55,567 --> 00:08:57,634
SO, I WAS GONNA GO OUT
WITH HIM AGAIN ON SATURDAY

167
00:08:57,634 --> 00:08:59,167
AND THEN I FOUND OUT
HE WENT TO CHICAGO.

168
00:08:59,167 --> 00:09:01,033
I FOUND OUT FROM BILLY.

169
00:09:01,033 --> 00:09:03,367
RIGHT. I HAVE NO WAY
TO GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM.

170
00:09:03,367 --> 00:09:05,834
I CALL HIS APARTMENT AND
LEAVE A MESSAGE ON THE MACHINE.

171
00:09:05,834 --> 00:09:08,801
I HAD NOTHING TO SAY,
I'M LIKE "HI, HOW ARE YOU?"

172
00:09:08,801 --> 00:09:11,367
- JACKIE, YOU GOING TO STAY
 ON THAT PHONE ALL DAY?
- HOLD ON, JUST A SECOND.

173
00:09:11,367 --> 00:09:13,033
I'M GONNA BE OFF
IN JUST A SECOND.

174
00:09:13,033 --> 00:09:15,434
SO I LEAVE THE MESSAGE,
YOU KNOW, AND THEN,

175
00:09:15,434 --> 00:09:17,234
HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM?

176
00:09:17,234 --> 00:09:20,667
WOULD YOU PLEASE HURRY UP?
I'M EXPECTING A VERY
IMPORTANT PHONE CALL.

177
00:09:20,667 --> 00:09:24,033
YOU KNOW WHAT
YOUR PROBLEM IS, DAN?

178
00:09:24,033 --> 00:09:26,801
YOU DON'T HAVE CALL WAITING.

179
00:09:26,801 --> 00:09:28,667
YOU KNOW WHAT
YOUR PROBLEM IS, JACKIE?

180
00:09:28,667 --> 00:09:30,601
YOU DON'T PAY MY PHONE BILL.

181
00:09:30,601 --> 00:09:34,100
I'LL CALL YOU LATER. OKAY.
PHONE'S ALL YOURS.

182
00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:36,434
THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME
TO USE MY TELEPHONE.

183
00:09:36,434 --> 00:09:38,167
 <i>YOU'RE WELCOME.</i>

184
00:09:38,167 --> 00:09:40,100
( muttering )

185
00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:43,200
- I DON'T WANT TO COMPLAIN...
- BUT YOU'RE GONNA.

186
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:45,234
WHEN YOU WERE GROWING UP,
HOW DID YOU LIVE WITH HER?

187
00:09:45,234 --> 00:09:46,834
WE JUST LOCKED HER UP
IN THE CLOSET,

188
00:09:46,834 --> 00:09:50,734
AND STUFFED SOME DOG FOOD
UNDER THE DOOR.

189
00:09:50,734 --> 00:09:53,667
SHE IS A MAJOR-LEAGUE
PAIN IN THE BUTT.

190
00:09:53,667 --> 00:09:55,434
YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW
YOU'RE REALLY SPOILED

191
00:09:55,434 --> 00:09:58,534
BECAUSE YOU LIVE WITH ME,
YOU'RE USED TO PERFECTION.

192
00:09:58,534 --> 00:09:59,734
 <i>( phone ringing )</i>

193
00:09:59,734 --> 00:10:01,901
HERE IT IS.
COME ON, DWIGHT.

194
00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:04,601
HELLO? HEY, DWIGHT,
WHAT'S THE WORD?

195
00:10:05,534 --> 00:10:06,667
YEAH.

196
00:10:06,667 --> 00:10:09,901
 <i>THANKS ANYWAY.</i>
 <i>YEAH, MAYBE NEXT WEEK.</i>

197
00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:12,200
RIGHT, BYE BYE.

198
00:10:15,367 --> 00:10:17,934
DAMN.

199
00:10:17,934 --> 00:10:20,400
YOU ARE GOING TO GET
THE VERY NEXT JOB THAT COMES.

200
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,033
I HOPE SO.
I'M GOING NUTS,

201
00:10:22,033 --> 00:10:24,033
SITTING AROUND HERE
FOR TWO WEEKS.

202
00:10:24,033 --> 00:10:26,767
YEAH, BUT I KIND OF LIKE
HAVING YOU AROUND.

203
00:10:26,767 --> 00:10:28,334
I KIND OF LIKE BEING AROUND,

204
00:10:28,334 --> 00:10:31,000
BUT I FEEL TERRIBLE
WHEN I AIN'T WORKING.

205
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,901
WELL, YOU WANT WORK?
'CAUSE OVER AT
THE BLUE FLAMINGO

206
00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:36,400
THEY'RE HIRING
TOPLESS DANCERS.

207
00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:40,667
NAH, I COULDN'T DO THAT,
MY BAD KNEE.

208
00:10:42,133 --> 00:10:45,000
WELL, I'D PUT A DOLLAR
IN YOUR G-STRING.

209
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:48,100
GO GET YOUR PURSE.

210
00:10:52,601 --> 00:10:54,667
MOM, DAD, COME ON.
YOU GOTTA TRY THIS.

211
00:10:54,667 --> 00:10:57,567
THERE'S A TEST IN THE BACK
OF THIS "TEENAGE LIFE."

212
00:10:57,567 --> 00:11:01,133
AND YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BE
OUR LOVEBIRD GUINEA PIGS.

213
00:11:01,133 --> 00:11:03,067
I DON'T FEEL LIKE
PLAYING NO GAME.

214
00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:05,601
- COME ON, DAD. PLEASE?
- DO I GOTTA DO ANYTHING WEIRD?

215
00:11:05,601 --> 00:11:06,868
YOU WISH.

216
00:11:06,868 --> 00:11:08,100
JUST DO IT, ALL RIGHT?

217
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:09,968
- COME ON, COME ON...
- ALL RIGHT.

218
00:11:09,968 --> 00:11:12,934
- SIT. YOU SIT, YOU SIT.
- ( Dan grumbling )

219
00:11:12,934 --> 00:11:15,667
- NOW...
- LAY THIS GAME ON US.

220
00:11:15,667 --> 00:11:19,634
"EXERCISE ONE:
TANTALIZING WITH TOUCH."

221
00:11:19,634 --> 00:11:21,467
OOH, I THINK I'M GOING
TO LIKE THIS.

222
00:11:21,467 --> 00:11:23,634
"THE OBJECT OF THIS EXERCISE

223
00:11:23,634 --> 00:11:25,901
IS TO TRANSMIT
A DEEPLY FELT EMOTION

224
00:11:25,901 --> 00:11:27,601
WITH YOUR HANDS."

225
00:11:27,601 --> 00:11:31,200
- JACKIE, THIS IS CORNY.
- ROSEANNE.

226
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:34,200
OH, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, I CAN DO IT.

227
00:11:37,701 --> 00:11:39,434
COME ON, YOU GUYS.

228
00:11:39,434 --> 00:11:42,200
THIS REALLY COULD HELP
YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

229
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,534
- BE SERIOUS.
- OKAY, I'M SERIOUS.

230
00:11:44,534 --> 00:11:46,901
- ARE YOU SERIOUS?
- I'M SERIOUS.

231
00:11:46,901 --> 00:11:48,868
OKAY, WE'RE SERIOUS.

232
00:11:48,868 --> 00:11:51,267
ALL RIGHT, FACE...
LET'S SEE.

233
00:11:51,267 --> 00:11:54,133
FACE YOUR BOYFRIEND
AND TOUCH HANDS.

234
00:11:54,133 --> 00:11:55,968
YEAH, BUT MY BOYFRIEND'S
NOT HERE.

235
00:11:55,968 --> 00:11:57,601
WILL MY HUSBAND DO?

236
00:11:57,601 --> 00:11:58,934
 <i>HE'LL HAVE TO DO.</i>

237
00:11:58,934 --> 00:12:01,200
"TRY TO COMMUNICATE
AN EMOTION

238
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:04,334
WITHOUT SPEAKING."

239
00:12:04,334 --> 00:12:08,167
OKAY, HE'LL BE WRONG.
I JUST KNOW IT.

240
00:12:08,167 --> 00:12:11,501
OKAY, DAD.
WHAT'S MOM THINKING?

241
00:12:13,334 --> 00:12:15,834
SHE'S THINKING
I'LL BE WRONG.

242
00:12:15,834 --> 00:12:17,033
THIS IS GREAT.

243
00:12:17,033 --> 00:12:20,901
DAN, WE NEVER HAVE TO
TALK TO EACH OTHER AGAIN.

244
00:12:20,901 --> 00:12:24,234
- Both: YAY!
- Becky: <i>COME ON, YOU TWO!</i>

245
00:12:24,234 --> 00:12:26,834
COME ON, TRY IT AGAIN.

246
00:12:26,834 --> 00:12:30,434
OKAY. OKAY.
OKAY, I GOT IT, OKAY.

247
00:12:30,434 --> 00:12:33,834
I'M TRANSMITTING
A VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE.

248
00:12:33,834 --> 00:12:35,934
TUNE IN, LOVERBOY.

249
00:12:35,934 --> 00:12:38,467
OH, I'M PICKING SOMETHING UP.

250
00:12:38,467 --> 00:12:40,634
ALL RIGHT, DAN.
WHAT'S SHE TRYING TO TELL YOU?

251
00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:45,067
SHE'S TELLING ME SOMETHING
I'VE WANTED TO HEAR
FOR A REAL LONG TIME.

252
00:12:45,067 --> 00:12:47,467
MY SISTER-IN-LAW'S
MOVING TO NORTH DAKOTA.

253
00:12:50,868 --> 00:12:52,267
DAD!

254
00:12:52,267 --> 00:12:53,567
SORRY, JACKIE,
THAT WAS A JOKE.

255
00:12:53,567 --> 00:12:56,033
SOUTH DAKOTA.

256
00:12:57,234 --> 00:13:00,400
SOMETIMES THERE'S A LOT
OF TRUTH IN KIDDING.

257
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:03,334
HELL, DON'T PSYCHO-ANALYZE
EVERYTHING I SAY.

258
00:13:03,334 --> 00:13:05,467
BELIEVE ME,
IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

259
00:13:05,467 --> 00:13:07,934
NO, DAN, I WANT TO KNOW.
DO I IRRITATE YOU?

260
00:13:07,934 --> 00:13:09,734
I DON'T WANT TO
GET INTO THIS.

261
00:13:09,734 --> 00:13:12,501
- NO, REALLY.
- WHERE DO I BEGIN?

262
00:13:12,501 --> 00:13:14,200
YOU DON'T.

263
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,567
- AT THE BEGINNING.
- OKAY.

264
00:13:16,567 --> 00:13:18,200
ONE THING,
YOU PICK ALL OF THE NUTS

265
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,033
OUT OF THE ROCKY ROAD
ICE CREAM.

266
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:23,167
WELL, PUT ME IN FRONT
OF A FIRING SQUAD.

267
00:13:23,167 --> 00:13:25,734
I'M GONNA PUT YOU BOTH
IN FRONT OF A FIRING SQUAD.

268
00:13:25,734 --> 00:13:27,601
YOU COULD KNOCK WHEN YOU
WALK IN THE DOOR.

269
00:13:27,601 --> 00:13:29,968
YOU WANT ME TO KNOCK
WHEN I COME OVER?
I CAN KNOCK.

270
00:13:29,968 --> 00:13:32,067
I'D LOVE FOR YOU
TO KNOCK WHEN YOU WALK
IN THE DOOR. PLEASE.

271
00:13:32,067 --> 00:13:34,067
- FINE, FINE.
- ( banging )

272
00:13:34,067 --> 00:13:36,767
( shouting )
CHILI'S READY.

273
00:13:36,767 --> 00:13:38,934
DAN, SPIT IT OUT.
WHAT'S REALLY BOTHERING YOU?

274
00:13:38,934 --> 00:13:42,534
WHAT'S BOTHERING ME IS THAT
YOU'RE OVER HERE ALL THE TIME.

275
00:13:42,534 --> 00:13:46,200
IF YOU HAD A JOB YOU WOULDN'T
EVEN NOTICE SO MUCH.

276
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,968
( door slams )

277
00:14:03,501 --> 00:14:08,968
GOSH, YOU SIMPLY MUST
COME OVER MORE OFTEN, SIS!

278
00:14:18,234 --> 00:14:20,167
WELL, DAN REALLY
WENT OFF THE DEEP END.

279
00:14:20,167 --> 00:14:21,767
 <i>OH, YOU THINK SO?</i>

280
00:14:21,767 --> 00:14:25,534
HE JUST LOST A JOB.
THAT WAS THE PHONE CALL
HE WAS WAITING FOR.

281
00:14:25,534 --> 00:14:27,801
 - OH.
- I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT.

282
00:14:27,801 --> 00:14:31,400
YOU ALWAYS MANAGE TO SAY THE
MOST PERFECTLY WRONGEST THING,

283
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:34,067
AT THE MOST
PERFECTLY WRONGEST TIME.

284
00:14:34,067 --> 00:14:35,434
JUST LIKE MOM.

285
00:14:35,434 --> 00:14:38,133
WELL, OKAY,
TAKE HIS SIDE.

286
00:14:38,133 --> 00:14:40,400
OH...
THERE YOU GO, THAT'S TWO.

287
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,367
THAT'S THE MOST
PERFECTLY WRONGEST THING

288
00:14:42,367 --> 00:14:44,033
YOU COULD HAVE SAID TO ME.

289
00:14:44,033 --> 00:14:46,367
WHY DON'T YOU THINK
BEFORE YOU TALK?

290
00:14:46,367 --> 00:14:48,200
YOU EXPECT ME TO
APOLOGIZE TO HIM?

291
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,067
NO, I DON'T EXPECT YOU
TO DO NOTHING.

292
00:14:50,067 --> 00:14:52,934
- THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.
- I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU
 WHAT TO DO.

293
00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:54,968
WHY NOT? YOU'RE GONNA
TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYWAY,

294
00:14:54,968 --> 00:14:58,100
- JUST LIKE MOM.
- THAT'S THREE!

295
00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:01,767
HE HAS BEEN ON MY CASE EVER
SINCE I CAME IN THE DOOR.

296
00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:05,467
I'M NOT APOLOGIZING TO HIM
UNTIL HE APOLOGIZES TO ME.

297
00:15:12,234 --> 00:15:14,200
- MOM?
- WHAT?

298
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:17,400
ARE DAD AND AUNT JACKIE
REALLY MAD AT EACH OTHER?

299
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:18,868
NO...

300
00:15:18,868 --> 00:15:21,534
THEY JUST FIGHT
FOR THE SAME REASON
YOU FIGHT WITH DARLENE.

301
00:15:21,534 --> 00:15:23,868
TO TORTURE ME.

302
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:30,234
Darlene:
 <i>D.J., LOOK WHAT YOU DID.  MOM!</i>

303
00:15:30,234 --> 00:15:32,534
LOOK WHAT YOU DID.
YOU RUINED IT!

304
00:15:32,534 --> 00:15:33,968
I DIDN'T MEAN TO!

305
00:15:33,968 --> 00:15:35,534
YOU'RE SO STUPID!

306
00:15:38,367 --> 00:15:40,000
WHAT HAPPENED?

307
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,501
D.J. FELL ON MY CASTLE
AND CRUSHED IT.

308
00:15:42,501 --> 00:15:45,033
- WE CAN FIX IT.
- NO, WE CAN'T.

309
00:15:45,033 --> 00:15:47,901
I'M GONNA FLUNK HISTORY
AND IT'S ALL D.J.'S FAULT.

310
00:15:47,901 --> 00:15:51,200
- OH, IT'S D.J.'S FAULT.
- YES, LOOK WHAT HE DID.

311
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,133
OH, YEAH,
IT'S DEFINITELY HIS FAULT

312
00:15:53,133 --> 00:15:55,767
THAT YOU DIDN'T STUDY
ALL SEMESTER.

313
00:15:55,767 --> 00:15:57,734
BUT MOM,
HE WAS JUST HERE--

314
00:15:57,734 --> 00:16:00,701
AND IT'S HIS FAULT THAT YOU
PUT THIS OFF TO THE LAST MINUTE.

315
00:16:00,701 --> 00:16:03,400
- YOU ALWAYS TAKE HIS SIDE.
- I'M NOT TAKING HIS SIDE.

316
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,801
YES, YOU ARE.
YOU'RE STRICT
WITH ME AND BECKY,

317
00:16:05,801 --> 00:16:08,000
BUT YOU LET D.J.
GET AWAY WITH MURDER.

318
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,901
DARLENE, WHO ARE YOU
REALLY MAD AT?

319
00:16:09,901 --> 00:16:11,434
D.J.

320
00:16:11,434 --> 00:16:13,334
YEAH, WELL THAT
MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.

321
00:16:13,334 --> 00:16:16,467
IF I'D SCREWED AROUND
ALL SEMESTER AND WAS
FLUNKING HISTORY,

322
00:16:16,467 --> 00:16:19,601
I'D BE LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY
ELSE TO BLAME IT ON TOO.

323
00:16:19,601 --> 00:16:21,133
THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M DOING.

324
00:16:21,133 --> 00:16:23,567
THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT YOU'RE DOING, DARLENE.

325
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:26,133
IT'S NOT FAIR!

326
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:34,734
( calling )
D.J.

327
00:16:34,734 --> 00:16:38,200
- COME ON DOWN HERE, HONEY.
- D.J.: <i>IS DARLENE THERE?</i>

328
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,100
NO, SHE'S GONE. IT'S SAFE.
COME ON DOWN.

329
00:16:44,567 --> 00:16:48,100
LOOKS LIKE YOU REALLY
RE-DECORATED DARLENE'S CASTLE.

330
00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:49,934
I DIDN'T MEAN TO.

331
00:16:49,934 --> 00:16:52,567
I KNOW, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

332
00:16:52,567 --> 00:16:54,367
DARLENE HATES ME.

333
00:16:54,367 --> 00:16:56,868
SHE DOESN'T HATE YOU, HONEY,
SHE HATES HISTORY.

334
00:16:56,868 --> 00:16:59,267
SHE SAID I WAS STUPID.

335
00:16:59,267 --> 00:17:02,767
YOU'RE NOT STUPID, YOU'RE JUST
CLUMSY LIKE YOUR DADDY.

336
00:17:02,767 --> 00:17:05,200
YEAH, RIGHT.

337
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,200
DO YOU WANT
TO GO IN THE KITCHEN

338
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,133
AND BE MY OFFICIAL
CHILI TASTER?

339
00:17:09,133 --> 00:17:10,901
NO.

340
00:17:10,901 --> 00:17:14,467
YOU'RE JUST GONNA
SIT HERE ON THE STEPS
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?

341
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,701
- YEP.
- <i>AND LET PEOPLE WALK ON YOU</i>

342
00:17:16,701 --> 00:17:18,934
 <i>AND PILE BOOKS ON YOU</i>
 <i>AND JUNK?</i>

343
00:17:18,934 --> 00:17:20,100
YEP.

344
00:17:20,100 --> 00:17:22,801
WELL, THAT AIN'T MUCH
OF A LIFE.

345
00:17:22,801 --> 00:17:25,000
BUT I'LL HELP YOU
GET STARTED.

346
00:17:26,834 --> 00:17:28,934
COME HERE.

347
00:17:32,667 --> 00:17:35,100
I'LL GIVE YOU A HAT.

348
00:17:35,801 --> 00:17:38,067
( giggling )

349
00:17:42,734 --> 00:17:45,701
MOM, SHOULD I PUT THIS
OTHER LOAD IN THE DRYER?

350
00:17:45,701 --> 00:17:47,400
Roseanne:
 <i>NO, I'LL DO IT IN A MINUTE.</i>

351
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,067
GIDDYUP, GIDDYUP, GIDDYUP...

352
00:17:51,767 --> 00:17:54,467
OKAY, HORSY.
GET UP HERE.

353
00:17:54,467 --> 00:17:58,267
WHOO! AHH!

354
00:17:58,267 --> 00:18:00,567
MOM, I FINISHED
FOLDING THE LAUNDRY.

355
00:18:00,567 --> 00:18:04,434
THANK YOU, HONEY.
YOU'RE ONE OF MY
THREE FAVORITE KIDS.

356
00:18:04,434 --> 00:18:05,801
WHAT ABOUT ME?

357
00:18:05,801 --> 00:18:07,634
NO.

358
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:17,300
ARE YOU READY FOR
SOME DELICIOUS CHILI?

359
00:18:17,300 --> 00:18:18,334
YEP.

360
00:18:18,334 --> 00:18:21,334
OKAY, YOU READY
FOR THE GREATEST CHILI

361
00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:23,200
- IN THE ENTIRE WORLD?
- YEP.

362
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:24,834
ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO.

363
00:18:24,834 --> 00:18:27,501
( crunching )

364
00:18:31,267 --> 00:18:34,667
JUST A LITTLE BIT BLAND.

365
00:18:41,968 --> 00:18:46,100
MAN, THIS GARAGE IS A MESS.
I GOTTA GET ORGANIZED.

366
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,100
DAD, CAN I USE THIS?

367
00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:51,767
NO, I NEED THAT,
ME, MYSELF AND I,

368
00:18:51,767 --> 00:18:53,801
MANNY M. MAN.

369
00:18:58,100 --> 00:19:01,367
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- CUTTING SOME MORE WOOD.

370
00:19:01,367 --> 00:19:03,434
SO YOU'RE GOING TO
FIX THAT CASTLE?

371
00:19:03,434 --> 00:19:05,534
YEAH, BUT IT'S STILL
D.J.'S FAULT.

372
00:19:07,634 --> 00:19:11,667
GOSH, DARLENE'S
SO DOGGONE STUBBORN.

373
00:19:11,667 --> 00:19:14,801
I WONDER WHERE
SHE GETS IT FROM.

374
00:19:14,801 --> 00:19:16,634
NOT FROM ME.

375
00:19:16,634 --> 00:19:19,400
NO, IT COULDN'T BE
FROM YOU.

376
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,033
ROSEANNE, I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

377
00:19:22,033 --> 00:19:24,300
THERE'S NO WAY
I'M GONNA GO IN THERE

378
00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:25,934
 <i>AND APOLOGIZE</i>
 <i>TO YOUR SISTER.</i>

379
00:19:25,934 --> 00:19:27,868
I JUST THOUGHT
I'D LET YOU KNOW

380
00:19:27,868 --> 00:19:29,868
THAT I'M GONNA GO
CHECK INTO A MOTEL.

381
00:19:29,868 --> 00:19:33,100
ANYBODY WE KNOW?

382
00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:36,033
I THINK IT'D BE BETTER
IF I STAYED SOMEWHERE ELSE.

383
00:19:36,033 --> 00:19:38,000
HOW ABOUT THE PHILLIPINES?

384
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,100
- YOU KNOW WHAT
 YOUR PROBLEM IS, DAN?
- YEAH, YOU.

385
00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:42,167
SEE I COME IN HERE
AND TRY TO MAKE THINGS EASY,

386
00:19:42,167 --> 00:19:44,100
AND HE'S ACTING LIKE
A BIG BABY.

387
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:47,100
WOULD YOU TELL YOUR SISTER
IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE.

388
00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:49,000
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU
GET ALONG WITH THIS GUY.

389
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,100
TELL YOUR SISTER
TO HIT THE BRICKS.

390
00:19:51,100 --> 00:19:53,167
I KNOW THIS GAME.
I REALLY KNOW THIS GAME.

391
00:19:53,167 --> 00:19:55,501
IT'S CALLED
"LET'S TEAR ROSEANNE APART."

392
00:19:55,501 --> 00:19:57,501
YOU TAKE THIS ARM,
AND YOU TAKE THIS ARM,

393
00:19:57,501 --> 00:20:02,634
AND THEN
YOU JUST BOTH PULL UNTIL
I SPLATTER INTO A PUDDLE.

394
00:20:02,634 --> 00:20:04,300
( sighs )

395
00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:07,267
SHE'S OVER HERE ALL THE TIME
BECAUSE SHE'S MY SISTER.

396
00:20:07,267 --> 00:20:11,367
HE DON'T MEAN NOTHING,
HE'S JUST BLOWING OFF STEAM.

397
00:20:11,367 --> 00:20:14,767
YOU TWO ARE WORSE THAN ALL THREE
OF THE KIDS PUT TOGETHER.

398
00:20:14,767 --> 00:20:16,601
YOU'RE DRIVING ME NUTS.

399
00:20:16,601 --> 00:20:18,734
YOU'VE GOT
TO GET IT TOGETHER.

400
00:20:21,334 --> 00:20:23,601
 <i>( door slams )</i>

401
00:20:29,667 --> 00:20:31,200
WELL...

402
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,834
YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAY
IN NO MOTEL. THAT'S SILLY.

403
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:37,200
YOU CAN SLEEP OUT HERE.

404
00:20:42,467 --> 00:20:44,901
SHE'S REALLY SOMETHING.

405
00:20:44,901 --> 00:20:46,634
SHE DOES GET
CARRIED AWAY SOMETIMES.

406
00:20:46,634 --> 00:20:49,367
SHE LOVES TO TELL EVERYBODY
EXACTLY HOW TO LEAD THEIR LIVES.

407
00:20:49,367 --> 00:20:51,234
THAT'S 'CAUSE SHE THINKS
SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

408
00:20:51,234 --> 00:20:53,534
Roseanne: WELL, I DO!

409
00:20:53,534 --> 00:20:56,567
( laughs )

410
00:20:57,834 --> 00:21:00,400
 <i>( instrumental music on TV )</i>

411
00:21:05,534 --> 00:21:07,634
DAN...

412
00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:09,100
ISN'T THAT MOVIE OVER YET?

413
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:10,567
NO.

414
00:21:12,234 --> 00:21:13,801
I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP.

415
00:21:13,801 --> 00:21:16,901
PLEASE. THIS IS
THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE.

416
00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:18,534
COME ON, YOU'RE ON MY BED.

417
00:21:18,534 --> 00:21:21,400
JACKIE, YOUR BED IS MY SOFA.

418
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,100
HERE YOU GO, SIS.

419
00:21:23,100 --> 00:21:26,601
- DAN WON'T GET OFF THE COUCH.
- HONEY, GET OFF THE COUCH.

420
00:21:26,601 --> 00:21:28,200
SHHH!

421
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:30,367
GETTING READY
FOR THE SHOWDOWN.

422
00:21:38,467 --> 00:21:40,634
( garbled noises )