Subtitles by BeKh4t
...didn't stop Holliday fillin' him full of holes!
Where'd we all meet up with Seth?
The Last Chance Saloon.
What for do we need Seth Harper?
Oh! Pa's paying him, and Pa wants us to work along with him.
Come on!
On your way then you Cowboys,
the time will be soon,
when there's blood upon the sawdust
in the Last Chance Saloon!
Oh what's the matter Doctor?
Oh, I've got the most ghastly toothache, it's paralysing pain!
Ah, it serves you right for eating that sweet!
Well aren't there any painkillers on the TARDIS?
If there's anything I can get you?
Oh my dear thank you, no I shall have to have it out. We've got to find a dentist.
Well where are we?
Ah it must be in the past sometime.
Yes, you're very observant dear boy, but where?
How would I know? -I know
Oh where?
Well use your eyes dear boy! Good heavens!
Tombstone! The O.K... Well that sounds like...
The wild-West!
Well it can't be can it?
Oh why not?
Fat chance I've got of finding a dentist in the middle West part of...
Oh please, must you?!
Look, I've always wanted to be a Cowboy, see what life was like in the wild-West!
Hey, they had Cowgirls too didn't they?
Yes
What about MY TOOTH?!
It's your last chance of cussing
at a gunfighter's doom,
it's your last chance of nothin'
at the Last Chance Saloon!
You took your sweet time gettin' here Clanton. Well, Doc Holliday got here before noon!
Rode out as soon as ever I got your wire, anyways Holliday'll keep for a drink or three I'd say.
Sure enough Will! Barman! A bottle and three more Glasses.
fast!
You boys know this guy?
Yeah, snake-eyes Harper.
I don't like being called snake-eyes, last fellow called me that got himself an extra hole in the head!
Sure Seth, sure. we're friends ain't we? Ain't we in this together?
Well I'm in it. You're all together on the outside lookin' in.
Now that ain't so! We're backing you! You make your play and we gun 'im down
easy as skinnin' summer fries!
Yeah, that's it!
How do we look?
Oh good gracious! It's absolutely absurd!
Why you have to dress yourselves up like Tom-Micks I can't imagine! You're asking for trouble.
Why can't you wear inconspicuous clothes like I do?
Oh what about me? don't you like it?
Oh that hat is certainly wrong with it.
Oh it's not supposed to be... That's for you!
Oh... For me my dear child? Oh, that's very thoughtful of you, thank you.
Yes, at least it'll keep the rain off. Oh yes it's most suitable...
Buffalo Bill to the line.
What was that?
Nothin' pardner!
I was just a-practising mah quick-draw!
Oh! Oh do be careful dear boy! And remember that belongs to my favourite collection!
Naah see here stranger, I reckon you don't know who I is! Deadeye Steve.
The fastest, meanest gun in the West!
I think you're smashing!
Oh what on Earth are you..?!
And who might you be sir?
You wanna find out, try movin' fast! Now get over!
I... don't know who you are or what right you have...
Marshall of Tombstone's my right and Wyatt Earp's my name.
Oh Wyatt Earp!
Oh, something wrong ma'am?!
Oh no, it's just that... Well I always wanted to meet you and here we are face to face!
Well, the Lord sure do move in mysterious ways ma'am.
Now maybe you'll all just come along to Sheriff's office?!
What on Earth for?
So as that you can identify yourself in decent law abiding manner!
Aha no, you see I'm... I'm not really a gunman, I was just...
You did kinda make that look obvious didn't ya, boy?!
That's why I'm doin' you a favour taking you on in.
Why?
Kinda, the Clantons're in town.
And boy, that's mighty unhealthy for a stranger that calls himself the fastest gun in town!
Now pick up yer...pea shooter and let's get movin'!
It just ain't possible, against the four of us? He won't know what hit 'im. Eh Billy? Billy!
Yeah, yeah it'd be a real shame, I'd like for him to know. I'd like him to know us for Reuben's brothers
Look, you don't know Holliday.
You want him ta come lookin' for us, And you ain't even seen 'im? You're crazy!
Well where's he at now?
Well how should I know where he's at? I just know he pulled in here this mornin'.
Well let's get this straight, you mean you don't know where Holliday... You... never met Holliday either?
Look, I don't have to meet 'im, I've seen pictures I've had him described to me!
Dapper little fellow with a black buck's back coat...gambler's fancy vest.
So fine, so we'll know him when we find him!
So how do we find 'im?
We don't have to find him. Ain't you heard o' Holliday's gamblin' n'drinkin'?
Now where's the one place in town he's liable to get both?
Right here!
So we just sit here and wait for him 'n that's all we gotta do!
Hey Charlie! I'll be right back.
Why, you goin'?
I just thought me of an errand I forgot.
Well y� you better be right back, if you aim to keep on workin' here!
Why of course Charlie!
With rings on their fingers
and bells on their toes
the girls come to Tombstone
in their high silk-hoes.
They'll dance on the tables
or sing you a tune,
for whatever's in your wallet
at the Last Chance Saloon!
Now you move that real easy, real easy. That's my operatin' chair.
You treat her like she was your Monday bride!
Why Miss Kate, how are ya?
Doc Holliday I gotta talk to you!
I thought you'd told me that you'd given up gunplay like you'd promised?
Why so I have Kate; and so I'd been meaning to.
I got myself a dentist's shop regular and permanent here on Main Street and I am movin' in!
Well you better just move right out again!
'Cause four men are waitin' for you at the Last Chance this very moment.
I'm plum worn out worryin' about you Doc! All I want is to live peaceful.
Hey...so do I Kate. Who are these men anyway?
Well there's a guy called Seth Harper.
There's three brothers by the name of Clanton.
Clanton?! ...Ya kill a guy out of sheer professional ethics,
and then you've got three of his brothers chasin' after you to leave at once. That makes me real angry!
You're through with being angry Doc, all you're gonna do is get outta town!
Oh that don't appeal Kate, that don't come at all natural!
But Doc, it ain't safe for ya here in Tombstone!
The day I can't walk down Main Street o' any city in the West on account...
it ain't safe then I'll be dead! I'll be dead!
Doc...Doc Holliday!
Kate Fisher, are you gonna be my lady wife?
Of course I am Doc!
Holliday!
Why good afternoon Mr Masterson! Good afternoon Sheriff!
I reckon you must be come ta meet the stage crew.
Nevermind what I'm doing Holliday.
Just you stay out of trouble that's all, I won't be givin' you no second warnin'!
Why it's like I was sayin' to ya Sheriff, I aim to be a respectable citizen now!
And you know I always run a clean game!
Here on in, you ain't runnin' no game at all.
Stay out of saloons Holliday and stay away from the poker table.
Then I bid you good afternoon Sheriff;
and I hope I shall be having the pleasure of attending you shortly in my dental saloon!
Are you accompanying me Miss Kathleen?
So you finally got back then!
Howdy Bat, everythin' quiet in town?
Everythin' 'cept that rattlesnake friend of yours Holliday blew in this mornin'. Who're your friends Wyatt?
Well I...
Oh ah-ah...quite, quite so.
Allow me sir to introduce Miss Dodo Dupont wizard of the ivory keys, and ah Steven Regret, tenor.
And lastly sir, your humble servant Doctor... Calligari.
Doctor who?
Yes, quite right.
I've just been satisfying the Sheriff here that we are a humble troupe of travelling players.
Unfortunately sir, at the moment between engagements.
Well if I was you I'd keep a-travellin'. There ain't no theatre in Tombstone.
Oh, is that so? Oh well, that's no matter, no.
You see my prime purpose for visiting your city sir, was to avail myself the services of a dentist.
A dentist?
Yeah...
Well then, Doc Holliday's yer man!
Where is the Doc back?
Opened hisself a surgery right along the Street.
Walk thatta way friend, You can't miss it.
Oh I'm vastly obliged to you Sheriff! Come, fellow thespians!
No doubt I shall be very glad to see you, meet you later on Mr Werp.
I'll bet with the Clantons and Holliday in town you'n me's headed for a load of trouble boy!
I reckon so!
On your way then you lawmen,
the time will be soon,
when there's blood upon the sawdust
in the Last Chance Saloon!
Look I don't know why you wanted to say it in the first place!
Steven Regret? I mean, what kind of a name is that for a singer anyway?!
Oh my dear young man, can't you sing a little?
Oh yes a little, but why say it at all?
Well I had to find some sort of suitable cover;
after all, you can't walk into the middle of a Western town and say that you've come from outer space!
Good gracious me...we'd all be arrested on a vagrancy charge!
And what about our little wizard of the keys?
Miss Dupont, can you play?
I'll have a bash!
There will be no necessity to have a bash,
because tomorrow morning we're going to leave Tomb-Tombstone;
and we should be back in the TARDIS in for lunch!
You know, I don't think that that is a very subtle form of advertising, d'you?
...Yes, come to think of it my dear
you know I think my... my toothache's better! Yes, I do think it's going to be alright!
Straight into the surgery!
Come on Doctor...
I'll go to the hotel and book the rooms.
Please Doctor you'll feel so much better afterwards!
Oh, I only wish I shared your confidence my dear!
However, I suppose I'll... I'll meet you both back in the hotel lounge.
Oh! There it goes again!
The hotel lounge? Where does he think we are?
What's so funny?
I was just thinking, I hope he's not expecting an injection!
I Gotta get me that...
I forgive me sir, I� I should have knocked!
What's your business?
Yes well the fact is that I... I have a... Toothache.
Well glory be!
What d'ya know?!
D'you know you're our very first customer?
Oh, I see, we - Tch...ah, well under the circumstances I think perhaps... yes, excuse me...
Now-now... stranger! Just you sit right down in that chair!
Right along here, honey!
Yeah well, as a matter of fact my dear sir..!
Yeah, as a matter of fact it don't do to delay dental treatment!
Down you go, that's the philosophy of toothache! Now you go in the back room Kate.
Oh! Can't I watch?
Now you know you can't stand the sight of blood!
Oh okay. But I'll be thinkin' of
She's a kind of a sensitive girl. Well now, what seems to be your trouble sir?
Well, I think it's at the back here somewhere.
Yeah, let me look.
Oh yeah, I see. Well now, if you'll just hold real still, I'll ...
Oh, just a minute please, haven't you any,anaesthetic?
What?
Well something to sort of...dull the pain, man!
Well I could give you a rap on the cranium with this� six millimetre...
Good gracious, certainly not!
You're welcome to a slug o' rattlesnake oil!
Oh my dear man, I never touch the alcohol!
Well I do.
Well I must say, this is most unprofessional! I do hope you know what you're doing!
I never tolerated any complaints yet, in my whole life. Now then... You just Open wide!
It's your last chance of boozing,
where there's no-one to mind.
It's your last chance of losing
and the first place you'll find.
Sorry it's kinda quiet in here tonight gentlemen.
We do reckon to have a singer only she's just stepped out a while down the...
Maybe it's too quiet for you barman? Like us to liven it up a little for ya? How about a little fancy shootin'?
Nah I don't want any trouble!
No trouble at all, friend.
You gone clean out of your mind, boy?!
That ain't no way to behave! Siddown!
Oh, we got company.
Well lookie here, if it isn't Calamity Jane and Sam Bass!
What'll it be, stranger?
Ah... Oh nothing to drink thanks. We� we just want to book three rooms.
Three? For the two of ye?
A-a..oh, no, we got a friend joinin' us later.
Oh, well I'll have to ask you to sign the book here.
Sure.
Just your names and occupations.
Say, are you really a piano player lady?
You're darn tootin' I am!
And a singer too, well I'll be...
Why, what's the matter?
Well nothin' in the wide world, friend, I might just be able to offer you a job is all.
I-I-I got no pianist on account he was shot last week;
and I do have a singer, but she's always out someplace...understand?
I...think so.
Yeah, well i-it's very kind of you, but we gotta leave town in the mornin'.
Ah well let me know if you change your mind. First floor. Three, six and seven.
Why thanks. Come on Dodo.
Ah, but Steven...
It's no good Dodo! The Doctor would never forgive me if anything happened to you.
You all hear what I heard?
Ah well... Hey, what about his key?
Oh that's a point' yes. Leave it downstairs for him, okay?
Give this to our friend the Doctor with my compliments.
Sure ma'am.
So Holliday ain't travelling alone this time.
-Gimme that book! -Now see here!
Steven Regret. Now any of you boys ever see a singer carry six guns afore?
So Holliday has got hisself a partner!
Harper! Are you sure Holliday doesn' know we're lookin' for him?
Oh how could he, I ain't spread it about!
I dunno, but when he comes to collect his key ...
I'll sure have me an itchy feelin' in mah back thinkin' of his friend Regret comin' down those stairs behind me.
Phin, go up and fetch him down!
What'll I say?
Anything, only keep it friendly.
You're the boss!
An' Harper, You take a walk down main street an see if you can find Holliday.
I'm gettin' tired of just sittin' here waitin'!
My-my, what a fine piece of ivory! You know, I think I'll give that to Kate for a souvenir!
I don't care what you do with it my good man, only get it out of my sight!
What do I owe you?
Oh you don't owe me nothing Mister, you're my first customer you have this one on the house!
Oh! Good thing I didn't have to have my tonsils out! Oh!
...When there's blood upon the sawdust
at the Last Chance Saloon!
Doc!
Oh yes-yes, what? What is it?
Holliday?
Holiday? Yes, I suppose so. Yes, you call it that.
My name's Harper, Seth Harper.
Oh, well I'm very glad to know you Mr Harper! Yes, I suppose you've brought a message from my friends...
Well, kinda a message, Doc. The boys are waitin' for you at the saloon. They'd sure like to buy you a drink!
Oh well, that's very sociable of them, but unfortunately I don't touch alcohol.
That's not what I heard Doc! But we'll play it your way.
Look, we'll give you five minutes, and if you aren't there we're gonna come looking for ya! Okay?
Now Doc!
Oh that's a very charming man that, Mr Harper. Did you hear what he said?
Yeah, that's just fair Western hospitality ya know.
But if you'll forgive my saying so, you ain't dressed right for a party!
Oh my dear man, I fail to see that my clothes have...
Ah now, it ain't exactly your clothes...
Well what is it then?
You ain't wearin' a gun.
Well I should hope not! I certainly disapprove of violence!
Ha! Now you can borrow mine!
Nono�, I...no!
Now come along, here you just stand up. Now you put the holster on him.
Now my gun here has my name printed on it from way down Alabama,
my-where my father was a Colonel in the army.
So you can return that to me when you leave Tombstone which no doubt you will! Now there you are sir!
You put that in the holster. ...Fetch the gentleman's hat, Kate!
Here we are!
There now, ain't he smart? Ain't 'e though!
Swell, cute!
Let's just come along to your party, you come along to your party.
Thank you, thank you. I don't know how I shall ever repay you.
You'll find a way to repay me. Goodbye... And good luck!
What?
Goodbye and good luck.
Oh. yes indeed, yes thank you. And the same to you and many of them. Goodbye for the moment. Oh!
It sure seems a pity he bothered to have that tooth out!
Okay Clanton I found Holliday. He'll be here in about five minutes.
Great!
Now then Mr Regret, you and the little lady step right down to the piano and give us a song!
Ah...yeah well ah, the thing is we're ah, kinda a little bit out of practice! Y'know...it's...
So here's your chance to warm up a little!
Hey, couldn't we rehearse on our own first?
How about that they wanna be on their own!You'll sing here, now and fast!
Oh well why?
On account of we're all music lovers!
When there's blood upon the sawdust
in the Last Chance Saloon!
You don't need guns to sing Mr Regret, I'll hold 'em for you!
Hey, now come on will ya!
Shuddup! And sing, friend!
You wait 'til I see the Doctor, he got us into this!
-What's the trouble? -Nothin', we just choosin' a song!
Oh here's one.
Let's hope that the piano knows it!
The Ballad of the Last Chance Saloon.
Play maestro!
Hold it!
Boys, watch the door, and when Holliday comes through it, blast 'im!
Okay!
With rings on their fingers and bells on their toes
the girls come to Tombstone in their high silk-hoes.
They'll dance on the tables or give you a tune,
for whatever's in your wallet at the Last Chance Saloon!
It's your last chance of givin', it's your last chance of rye,
it's your last chance at livin' and your last chance to die!
It's your last chance of boozing, where there's no-one to mind.
It's your last chance of losing and the first place you'll find...