[MUSIC]
I am bored. Bored,
bored, bored.
What to do today?
What to do, what to do.
[MUSIC]
Hey not bad. Nice fit.
Here's looking at you Sam.
Play it again. What the?
San Francisco's a beautifulcity.
Cable cars, fog rolling off thebay,
Chinatown, the Golden GateBridge, the Wharf.
Gee, I wish I lived there.
The dust had to be an inch deepon my desk.
A thick layer of papers wasforming
around the base of the trashcan.
An empty bottle of milk lay onthe floor next to
the couch where I had a businessengagement the night before.
>> Coffee, Sam? >> Yeah.
Kitty wasn't much on keeping anoffice clean,
but she could make a great cupof coffee.
I still remember the day shecame in looking for work.
She wanted to be a secretary.
She had all the requirements.She made a great cup of coffee.
I gave her a job. That was yesterday.
Being a private dick isn't easywith a name like Sam Spayed.
But I got all the requirements.I like
babes and bullets.
And I look kinda neat in atrench coat.
>> More coffee, Sam? >> Nah.
It was a slow day.
The hours seemed to drag by like
a New York Giants versusBrooklyn Dodgers double-header.
I decided to get a phone.
As I was leaving the office, Ifound
myself face to face with one ofthe most
beautiful creatures I'd everseen.
>> Are you Spayed?
>> I never know how to answerthat question.
So, what brings you here, andwhy me?
There are a hundred privateinvestigators
in town with better offices thanmine.
Who are you?>> My husband was murdered.
Your Chief, Tanya O'Tabby, willyou take the case?
>> I had to think for a min,sure.
Judging from the way she was dressed, she was obviously
tapping some big bucks.
Of course, it all makes sensenow.
She marries an old geezer, bumpshim
off, inherits all the money,hires a second
rate investigator to find thekiller who
she double crosses, and ends upscott free.
So how old was your husband,Mrs O'Tabby?
>> 23.
>> Of course, it all makes sense now.
Her husband was obviously aladies man.
Tanya finds out
he's unfaithful and has him snuffed.
She hires a second rate detective to find the
killer, who she double crossesand ends up scott free.
It's one of the oldest shams inthe book.
So what did your husband do fora living, Mrs. O'Tabby?
>> He was at St. Moore's University, Mr. Spayed.
He was head of the historydepartment.
>> Something wasn't righthere.
Sounds like a pretty tameprofession, doll.
Not actually the kind of jobwhere enemies can be made.
>> We all have enemies,
don't we Mr. Spayed? >> Call me Sam, please.
What makes you think yourhusband was murdered.
>> He drove off old mountainroad Sam please.
That's 40 miles away, he had noreason to be there.
Besides, he was an excellentdriver.
The police say, he probably fellasleep at the wheel.
But, I just can't believe that.
>> Her lips started to tremble.
I took her hands in mine. Go home, kid, I got work
to do, I'll call you when I gotsomething.
>> My life's full of babesand bullets
No time to lay back and cool it.
I've got clues and claws,
right here in my paws.
Nothing to do, but do it.
Claws and clues are
my meat. I paid my
dues on the street.
A life full of babes and
bullets. It's a
living, that's why I do it.
>> Why someone would murder a
23-year-old college professor was beyond me.
Maybe he delivered one too manylectures on the Boxer rebellion.
Stranger things have happened inthis town.
My first stop was the citymorgue.
It was 11 a.m.
Walking up the steps to themorgue, I saw my old adversary.
It was Lieutenant Washington.
>> Spayed, what brings you down here?
Trying to find a client?
>> Sure, Lieutenant.
He's the one your blue boy shotin the back for jaywalking.
>> Watch it, Spayed, I
still have your license under investigation.
>> Oh, yeah? Well, at least Iknow it's safe for a while.
>> Spayed, don't push me.
>> Wouldn't dream of it, Lieutenant.
Have a nice day.
The lieutenant was still sayinggoodbyes
as I walked into the morgue.
I spotted the coroner, BurtFleabish.
>> Spayed,what brings you down here?
>> Hey, Burt, I need to see abody.
>> Who doesn't, eh, Sam?
What's the name? >> Professor O'Tabby.
>> Oh yeah, tough break.
Nice fellow. >> You knew him?
>> No, not really.
My kid attendedSt. Morris and had his class.
Really liked him, too, exceptfor
his lectures about the Boxerrebellion
>> I could tell Burt sortaliked
the guy by the way he pulled outthe drawer with the stiff.
O'Tabby looked like he'd beenworked
over by the mallers of themidway.
It didn't surprise me.
When's the autopsy scheduled,Burt?
>> Autopsy?
What autopsy?
>> His wife thinks it was murder, Burt.
>> Murder?
Sam, the man died in a disastrous car accident.
>> Looking down at O'Tabby Inoticed
some yellowish brown colorationon his chest and stomach hairs.
Hey Burt, you have any explanation for this?
>> Any kind of fluid in thecar can make a stain like that.
>> Do you have his clothes,and any
items he had on him when he wasdiscovered?
>> Uh, sure, Sam, right here.
>> I searched through theclothing
looking for anything that might suggest murder.
Right now it looked as thoughpoor O'Tabby
had just had a bad break on themountain.
His shirt was about the only
item of clothing that was still recognizable.
I noticed the yellowish-brownstains were in the same
location on the shirt that theywere on the body.
I'd seen stains like thisbefore, but where?
Maybe something would come to melater.
There was a curious littlestone in the front pocket.
It was a very colorful stone onone
side uh, almost as though itwere painted.
>> I'll ah, be right back, Sam.
>> Sure, that's what my ex-wife said.
As Burt went to answer thephone,
I put the colorful stone in mypocket.
I don't know why, really.
Maybe I just like stones.
>> Is there anything else youneed, Sam?
>> A clue.
A motive. And a murderer.
Good night, Burt.
>> Uh, Sam? >> Yeah, Burt?
>> It's noon.
>> It took me an hour to
drive to the scene of the accident.
I didn't know what I was gonnafind
there, but what the heck, I'd atleast
get a breath of fresh air and I
could put the car in the expense account.
It looked like I wasn'tthe only one who had that idea.
Taking a nature walk, Tanya? >> Oh, Sam you startled me.
>> I was trying to keep mymind on
business, but I couldn't helpbut notice the lovely view.
One word of advice, sweetheart.
It's not smart to return to thescene of the crime.
>> I was hoping to find areason
for my husband being here last Friday night.
>> Like what kind of reasons?
>> I don't know, a clue ofsome kind.
>> I'd understand, if youwere
here to cover up your tracks.
>> Are you saying, I murdered my husband?
>> Nothing personal. >> Oh,
Sam.>> I hate when they do that.
I stood there, Tanya's mascaradripping on my wingtips
and me an hour from the nearestpot of coffee.
Come on, Tanya, let's find adiner.
>> So, why do you suspect mein murdering my husband?
>> I suspect everybody, baby.
Here's a list of suspects I'veput together so far.
>> Sam, your name's on thislist.
>> I dont remember where Iwas last Friday night, Tanya.
Therefor, I don't have an alibi.
I've been tailing myself for thepast three days.
>> That's sad.
>> Wha'ts sad?
>> You must be a very lonely man, Sam Spayed.
>> You could fix that, Tanya.
>> What are you trying totell me, Sam?
>> Do I have to spell it out?>> Give it a shot.
>> Y-O-U...
C-O-U...
>> There's a lot about me you don't know, Sam.
>> I know you're great lookinand you dress nice.
>> But, what if I did murdermy husband?
What would you think of me,then?
>> I'd wait for you to getout of prison, baby.
It's not like my socialcalendar's exactly packed.
How long could a murder sentencebe, 30 maybe 40 years?
I'll get it.
The classiest dame I ever met,just walked out of my heart.
But, not out of my case.
Next on the list was O'Tabby'soffice at the University.
I was still a couple of blocksfrom the campus when I brushed
by a big goon on the sidewalk,he had fists the size of babies.
He drug me into a darkened alleyand pounded me into next year.
As I lay there in a crumpledheap, I smiled to myself.
I must be on the trail ofsomething
hot to raid a beating from thisneanderthal.
I put my jaw back in place
and pointed an accusing paw atmy assailant.
So, I suppose you have a message for me.
>> Yeah, I'm your landlord.
You're two months late with therent.
>> Right.
I was still trying to figure
out my landlord's involvement with in this caper as I walked up
the marble steps to the Historybuilding.
Are you in charge around here?
>> Yes, I'm Professor O'Felix.
How may I help you?
>> I'm Sam Spayed, PI. >> Oh, nice wallet, Mr. PI.
>> Yeah, I'd like to ask
you a few questions about Professor O'Tabby.
>> Oh, yes, yes, yes, what ashame.
Poor fellow must have fallenasleep at the wheel.
Such a waste.
I really don't know how I canhelp you,
but I'll be glad to answer anyquestions you have.
>> Nice cut.
He led me to his office and poured us a cup of coffee.
I would have preferred my owncup.
>> Now, what would you like to know, Mr PI?
>> Call me Sam.
Sam Spayed.
Was O'Tabby in any kind of trouble
that you know of? >> No, no trouble.
Professor O'Tabby was a solidcitizen.
He was well respected by thefaculty and his students.
Besides, I, I don't know muchabout his personal life.
Perhaps you should talk to hiswife.
>> His wife, yeah, I've talked to her.
According to the time of death,you must have been
one of the last people to seeProfessor O'Tabby alive.
Any idea what he was doing up onOld Mountain road last
Friday night>> Yes, that much I do know.
He was going to visit MaudyO'Purr, a St. Morris alum.
>> Why was he going there?
>> Maudy's a big contributor to
the university, especially to the history department.
Professor O'Tabby called on herevery Friday night
to help her in any way he could.
You see, she's a widow.
It was Maudy's wish that no oneknow of his visits.
She was a, she was a bit eccentric
in that regard.
>> Of course, it all made sense
now, O'Tabby under the guides ofvisiting a
benefactress to the universitywas in fact
having a clandestine affair witha wealthy widow.
How old is Maudy O'Purr? >> 93.
>> Rats.
>> Mr. Spayed, I didn't mean
to insinuate anything by my statement.
It's just that...
Well, on more than one occasion, Professor
O'Tabby had to put a woman'sfeelings in perspective.
You see, he was a handsome man
and, uh, heh, quite popular withthe ladies.
>> So, you don't think heever gave in to temptation?
>> Oh, no, his only weaknesswas coffee.
I rarely saw him without a cupof it in his hand.
>> Well, I think we all depend on
a cup of joe every now and then.
Thanks for the information andno offense
intended, but this is reallylousy coffee.
>> Yes, I admit my coffeeneeds work, Sam.
The lady that normally made ourcoffee left us recently.
She made excellent coffee.
She's going to be hard toreplace.
In fact, I've had to pick up herchores in addition to me own
duties. >> Work on that coffee.
By the time I arrived back atthe office, the
men from the phone company hadjust installed my phone.
Kitty was in the other room.>> No calls yet, Sam.
How about a cup of coffee?
>> You read my mind, sweetheart.
Hey Kitty, do we have Tanya'sphone number?
>> Klondike 51234, Sam.
>> Thanks.
Girl might not be a good office
cleaner, but she has a great memory.
Oh, why didn't I remember thatnumber?
Sure is an easy one to remember.Hello, Tanya, Sam Spayed.
>> Mr. Spayed,
what did you find out?
>> I stopped by your husband's office
today and found out a few interesting things.
>> Oh, really?
Uh, who did you talk with? >> A professor O'Felix.
Do you know him?
>> Professor O'Felix was my husband's assistant.
>> Kinda old to be an assistant, isn't he?
>> Oh, we never reallythought of him as an assistant.
He worked as hard as my husbandwith the students.
He's been with the universityall his life.
In fact, he was my husband'sinstructor.
It was Professor O'Felix whoinspired my
husband to go into the teachingprofession.
>> Yeah, well, that's nice.
Anyway, Tanya,he mentioned your husband may
have been tangled up with somewoman.
Gosh, that's hot. >> Sam?
Hello, Sam? Are you okay?
>> Uh, look, Tanya, I'll callyou back,
I've got a bit of a mess, rightnow.
>> Sam, I'm sorry.
I don't know what I was thinkingabout.
>> It's okay, Kitty, run andtell maintenance we need a
mop and a bucket, I'll pick upthe pieces and the mug.
That hot coffee in the lap wasenough
to give a literal meaning to mylast name.
I went to the sink to clean up.
As I took off my jacket, I
saw a huge coffee stain coveringmy shirt.
Wait a minute. Coffee stains,that's what they were.
O'Tabby had coffee stains on hisshirts.
Why would a man that was dressedas impeccably as O'Tabby
wear a coffee stained shirt?Where did the coffee come from?
And, why am I talking to myself?
I searched my pockets for thepretty
painted stone I took from O'Tabby's shirt pocket.
I looked at it carefully.
It was painted alright, a painted piece of ceramic.
A piece of ceramic from a coffeecup.
O'Tabby must have been drinkingcoffee
which in turn caused the accident.
It wasn't much to go on.How was I supposed to solve
a murder when my only clue is acup of java?
What was keeping Kitty?
I figured I'd better call Tanyato apologize
for the interruption and getback to the case.
Where did I put Tanya's phonenumber?
Wait a minute, Tanya never gaveme a phone number.
So, how did Kitty know thenumber?
Easy, Spayed, don't go off thedeep end.
But, the pieces were
starting to fit together.
Kitty would know the number, if
Tanya's husband gave it to toher.
Could she be a lady
who was infatuated with Professor O'Tabby?
Nah. Think Spayed, think.
Of course!
She spilled the coffee when I mentioned
talking to Professor O'Felixabout O'Tabby's woman troubles.
Kitty makes a great cup ofcoffee.
So did the girl who recentlyleft the university.
The same girl I hired onlyyesterday.
A girl who was infatuated by aman she could never have.
So what does she do?
Of course!
She spills coffee in his lap and pushes him over a cliff.
Wait a minute, something's notquite right here.
>> Here's maintenance, Sam.
>> I know you murderedProfessor O'Tabby, Kitty.
>> What are you talking
about, Sam?
>> You loved him, he didn'tlove you, so you snuffed him!
>> Yes!
Yes, I loved him, he didn't loveme.
I couldn't have him! So, I...
>> So, you what? >> So, I left!
>> You left?
>> Yes!
The thought of working at the university so
close to him and not being ableto
have him was too much to bear,so I left.
But, I didn't murder him!
>> The tears were streamingdown her face
and falling like rain off a pinetree.
But, the coffee stains, thepainted piece of ceramic cup.
>> He always drank from his favorite mug, Sam.
This looks like a piece fromthat mug.
I don't know how it got broke.
>> I just ran out of suspects.
Kitty, did you have any duties
in the office other than makingcoffee?
>> Mm-hm, I was ProfessorO'Tabby's girl Friday.
I sorted his mail, answered thephone, kept
his appointment calander, filled
his prescription, sharpened hispencil.
>> Wait a minute, filled hisprescriptions?
>> Yes, Professer O'Tabby wasan insomniac.
The coffe kept him awake.
He needed very potent sleepingpills
to help him doze off at night.
I remember him bragging, one ofthose pills could knock out
a bull elephant.
He took two of them to put himto sleep, and that took an hour.
>> Kitty, stay here and helpmaintenance clean up this mess.
>> Where are you going, Sam?
>> To pick up a murderer,baby.
Nice touch!
I found Professor O' Felix inthe university chapel.
Asking for forgiveness, professor?
>> For what it's worth,Mr. Spayed, I just didn't haveanything to lose.
>> Let's go.
By the time the paperwork wasdone, it was 8 p.m.
Lieutenant Washington was hisusual charming
self as O'Felix was beingbooked.
It had been a long day.
I thought I better check in on Kitty,
she was pretty shaken up when Ileft.
I entered my office and found Tanya O'Tabby sitting
on the couch.
She stood up sobbing andgently put her arms around me.
She didn't say anything.
She didn't have to, I understood.
I don't understand, I saw youfollowing me today.
>> I wanted to make sure youwere on the right track, Sam.
>> Well, thanks for the hint.
>> I knew a sharp guy like you would figure it out.
Look, you big lug, why don't youcut the
tough guy act and give me asmile for once.
>> How's this? >> That's better.
>> Now, let's talk about youand me, baby.
>> Wouldn't work, Sam, we'redifferent.
>> That's the part I like.
>> Face it, Sam, in any othertime, in any
other place, we might have hadsomething, you and me.
>> Yeah, I guess you're right, Tanya.
You're a sophisticated lady andI'm just a working stiff.
>> You like hot dogs and Ilike caviar.
>> Yeah. >> I'm refined and you're a slob.
>> I'm first class and you'recoach.
>> I get the point, Tanya.
>> But, you're still all man,Sam.
I really wish it could haveworked out.
>> I'll never forget you,Tanya.
>> Goodbye, Sam.
>> She called after you'dleft.
I told her you were going to nabthe murderer.
She came right over.
>> I didn't answer.
My thoughts were still in thearms of a classy babe.
There had better be a check inthat envelope.
>> Sam!
How did you know Felix killed Professor O'Tabby?
>> Elementary, Kitty.
O'Tabby had to have left directly
from the campus to call on MaudyO'Purr that night because
he was still drinking from his
favorite mug when the crash occurred.
Professor O'Felix, the substitute girl-Friday,
fixed that cup of coffee.
O'Felix had filled O'Tabby's sleeping pill prescription
and popped a couple into hiscoffee, knowing
it would take O'Tabby an hour to
get to Old Mountain Road, 40miles away.
Like clockwork, the pills took
effect, and O'Tabby drove offthe
road to his death. The police were right.
O'Tabby did fall asleep at thewheel,
thanks to some help from hisassistant.
The motive is obvious. >> Which was?
>> It was the old power
struggle in the university routine, Kitty.
Old man gets passed over byyounger
man, young man gets power,respect, glory.
Old man gets older, bitter.
Finally, in desperation, the oldman gets rid of the one
thing in his way, the young man.
With O'Tabby gone, O'Felixbecomes department head and
gets what has eluded him all hislife.
>> Sam, you're simply toomuch.
>> What's the milk for, Kitty?
>> You ask too many questions, Sam.
>> Garfield? What are you doing in there?
>> Getting ready to roll the credits, pal.
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