♫ Ruthless People
♫ Greedy forever and ever
♫ Success
♫ Greedy and ever so clever
♫ A mess
♫ Given their right on to creep into paradise
♫ They'll even blackmail St. Peter
♫ Then pay the price !
♫ Hey
♫ Stand up
♫ Come and see
♫ Ruthless People
♫ Greed and evil Oh yes
♫ You can have it if you want it
♫ It might take the rest of your life
♫ If you want it you can have it
♫ Do a balancing act on a knife
♫ You can have it if you want it
♫ If you think it's cheap at the price
♫ If you want it you can have it
♫ But sweat your sweet soul out of lives !
♫ Ruthless People
♫ Ruthless People ♫
Carol, did I ever tell you why I married her?
- Yes, Sam, you told me many, many--
Her father was very, very rich...
and very, very sick.
The doctors assured me he'd be dead any minute.
There wasn't a second to lose.
I rushed right out and married the boss's daughter.
He was so sick!
It was like the angel of death was sittin' in the room with him,
watchin' the clock.
They pulled the plug on him.
He wheezed and shook for about an hour.
And then...
he stabilized.
That son of a bitch just got older and sicker.
And older and sicker!
- More coffee, sir? No!
I couldn't wait around any longer. I went out and made my own fortune.
The old fart hung in there for 15 years!
Finally died of natural causes.
I want the rest of that money!
His money, her money, it's my money!
I had to live with that squealing, corpulent little toad all these years!
God, I hate that woman! I-I-I--
I hate the way she licks stamps.
I hate her furniture.
And I hate that little sound she makes when she sleeps.
[ Snorting, Baa-ing ] Ohhh!
And that filthy, little shitbag dog of hers... Muffy!
Aren't you scared? - Scared?
Hell, no. I'm lookin' forward to it.
My only regret, Carol,
is that the plan isn't more violent.
Don't you consider throwing a body off a cliff in the dead of night 'violent'?
Nah! She'll be unconscious, knocked out from the chloroform.
I'm talkin' about hands-on involvement.
Hands-on?
Ohh. Ohh!
Oh-ho! [ Snort ]
[ Whispering ] I'm goin' now. I can't wait.
Good luck.
Barbara, dear, I have something for you.
Barbara?
Where are you, dearest?
I have something for you.
Honey?
Barbara?
Dumpling?
Barbara?
No notes, no messages.
This is not like you, you meticulous bitch!
It's just like that woman to screw this up.
Damn it!
What are you doin' here? Mining the carpet with little poodle bombs?
Here! Take a whiff of this, you little fruitcake.
I'll kill you!
[ Yipping ] I'll wring your neck!
You hairy rat!
[ Phone Ringing ]
Hello. [ Man ] Mr. Stone?
Listen very carefully. We have kidnapped your wife.
We have no qualms about killing and will do so at the slightest provocation.
Do you understand? 88.5
Who the hell is this? Is this some kind of a joke?
I have no patience for stupid questions, Mr. Stone, and I don't like repeating myself.
Do you understand?
All right, I'm sorry. Please continue.
You are to obtain a new, black American Tourister briefcase,
model number 8104. Do you understand? - Yes.
In it you will place $500,000 in unmarked,
nonsequentially numbered $100 bills.
Do you understand? - Sure.
Monday morning at 11:00 a.m., you will proceed with case in hand,
to Hope Street Plaza and wait for a phone to ring.
You will receive further instructions then.
Do you understand? - Yes, I do.
You'll be watched at all phases of execution.
If anyone is with you or if any action is not carried out to our complete satisfaction,
it will be considered an infraction of the rules, and your wife will be killed.
Do you understand? - I believe so.
If you notify the police, your wife will be killed.
If you notify the media, she will be killed.
If you deviate from our instructions in any way whatsoever, she will be killed.
Do you understand? - Perfectly.
[ Sirens ]
[ Reporter ] Just 45 minutes ago, Mr. Stone received a call...
from a man demanding a ransom for his wife, Barbara.
[ Muffled Cries ]
[ Groan ] - Kenny!
[ Barbara Struggling ]
[ Grunting ] Grab her legs.
[ Muffled Cries Continue ]
Aah!
Do you think she's dead?
[ Muffled Cries ]
Aah!
[ Grunting ]
[ Muffled Cries Continue ]
[ Muffled Cries ]
You fucked with the wrong person!
My husband does business with the Mafia.
When they track you down, you, your entire family, everyone you ever knew...
will all get chain saw enemas, and that's not all!
Oh, my God! I've been abducted by Huey and Duey.
An-- [ Sniffing ]
Jesus Christ! It smells like a toilet in here!
It's just the ammonia. 131.5
We scrubbed down here for hours on our hands and knees,
- For God's sake.
My husband worships the ground I walk on! Wait till he hears about this!
He will explo-o-ode!
Bye-bye, Barbara. [ Snickering ]
In local news, a kidnapping today in Bel Air.
Police tell us this woman, Barbara Stone,
the wife of clothing tycoon, Sam Stone,
was abducted earlier today from the couple's estate on Bellagio Drive.
Preliminary sources indicated that Mr. Stone was contacted late this afternoon...
and that a ransom demand has been made. Police officials--
[ Newscaster #2 ] ...kill Mrs. Stone if demands were not met within 48 hours.
It's on every goddamn channel!
Millionaire heiress, Barbara Stone, has been kidnapped...
from her Bel Air mansion.
What'd he do, hire a publicist?
I feel terrible. Do you feel as guilty as I do?
Guilty? Are you kidding?
He takes our money, steals your idea,
goes out and makes a million dollars, and you feel guilty?
I can't believe it!
- How many times have we been over this? Oh, honey, not again.
- Let me remind you of something.
You are the spandex miniskirt king.
Not him. He is the spandex miniskirt thief.
He's the one who should feel guilty.
Look at this. Do you remember this?
You cried for a week when you saw this. Look at the smile on that asshole.
I know he stole it, but she really didn't do anything.
She was his partner! Oh, damn it, Sandy.
Do you enjoy getting stepped on? Do you?
'Cause I don't, and I don't feel guilty.
I take it back. I do feel guilty.
I feel very guilty. I trusted a sleazeball like Sam Stone...
with our life savings on a handshake deal,
and then sat there and watched him take it all away from us.
But that's over. We know better now.
From now on, we trust no one.
To hell with everybody else. We've got to be ruthless.
Think ruthless. - What if I can't think ruthless?
You've got to. It's good for you. It makes you strong.
What the hell's the sense of being a decent person when nobody else is?
Let's be assholes and get rich!
[ Squealing, Moaning ] [ Whirring Noises ]
Oh, oh! I'm crazy about you, you big galoot!
Ooh, you were somethin' today!
Yeah, it just doesn't get any better than this.
I'm gonna take a quick shower.
Can you be ready by the time I get out? - Ready?
You're getting ready for Sam.
The video equipment, remember?
- Tonight's the night. Oh yeah, I knew that.
Now, do you remember where I told you to go? - Yeah.
The old deserted bridge near the Hollywood sign. - That's right.
You wait for him there. He'll be in some rented car.
He's afraid of getting blood on his sports car.
Get in as close as you can.
It's important you get a good shot of his face.
If we can't recognize him, we can't blackmail him.
You get that videotape of Sam finishing off his wife,
and that man will give us anything we want...
for the rest of his life.
Yeah, then we're off to Haiti.
Not Haiti, Tahiti!
I knew that.
The passports came today.
Cool.
[ Indistinct Chatter ]
Frank, glad you're here. - What have we got?
We found a chloroform-soaked handkerchief stuffed way down in the garbage,
and a tire print on the lawn, a good one. I'm having the lab check it out.
And we found a few drops of blood in the kitchen.
Where's Mr. Stone? - He's upstairs.
He seems pretty upset.
[ Rock Music Playing ]
[ Knocking ] Yes?
[ Policeman ] Mr. Stone, Lieutenant Bender and Walters are here.
- They'd like to start as soon as possible.
I'll be right there.
Ow! Oh, oh!
[ Groaning ]
[ Feigned Sobbing ]
[ Mumbling ] Hee-hee-hee.
I like to hear a woman make a lot of sound. - Uh-huh.
I'll scream my head off if you want to, honey. It's your money.
My wife just lays there like a gunnysack.
[ Moaning ]
Oh, my God. She isn't dead yet.
[ Groaning ] He's gonna kill her right here!
[ Moaning, Yelling ]
[ Woman Screaming ]
Oh, oh. [ Whining ]
[ Woman Moaning ]
[ Woman Screaming ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Moaning, Horn Honking ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Retching ]
I have no enemies, at least none that I know of.
I-- I'm a businessman.
I manufacture women's sportswear.
[ Policeman ] I think I've heard of you.
Don't they call you the "spandex king"?
The "spandex miniskirt king." You probably read one of the articles.
Yeah, it was all his idea... spandex miniskirts.
Was there anybody here today when you came home? Servants?
Maids? [ Sam ] It was the maid's day off.
Did you notice anything out of the ordinary when you came home?
No, not that I can remember.
What time did you come home? - It's the dog!
She isn't properly house-trained.
No, it's sweet.
The dog's a little diabetic.
I think it's wine...
- Or-- Oh, I know what that must be.
I-- I closed a very important business deal...
this morning and when I came home...
I opened a bottle of champagne and--and as I was...
walking through the house, celebrating,
I called to Barbara to come and share the moment with me.
She never came.
Those monsters! [ Sobbing ]
[ Sam Sobbing ]
Earl!
It was horrible.
She wasn't drugged or anything. - What happened?
She screamed and screamed.
God, it took forever. It must have lasted... two minutes.
He kept stopping and starting. She'd be at the brink of death and he'd stop,
let her catch her breath then start into her again!
She'd scream louder and louder and then,
when she finally died,
he looked so satisfied I thought he was gonna light up a cigarette afterwards.
Son of a bitch enjoyed it!
Sam's just been on TV claiming she was kidnapped.
She wasn't kidnapped. He killed her. I saw it.
Honey, I know. It's just an alibi.
He just said that to throw the police off his trail.
You gonna watch that right now?
I think I should. - Baby, you don't wanna see it.
It'll make you sick. - I think I can take it.
Oh, no!
[ Woman On Video Screaming ] [ Retching ]
[ Screaming ] Ooh! I can't watch this.
[ Doorbell ]
He actually went through with it.
[ Gasping ]
Stay in here. Don't come out. - What?
Sam's here!
Ta-da!
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Zip-a-dee-ay
My, oh, my what a wonderful day
I've just been watching you on TV.
You saw it, huh? - Good performance, Sam.
What a story! Barbara Stone kidnapped!
I couldn't have made up anything better. It's brilliant!
And the press loves it.
Well, that's very clever, Sam. - It's inspired!
Imagine, someone demanding money from me to keep Barbara alive.
Unbelievable! Idiots!
Come on, let's have a drink.
I can't stay long.
I've gotta get back and look sad.
Are you sure the police believed you? - They ate it up!
I fed 'em a banquet of bullshit.
I threw 'em off by miles. All I have to do now...
is just sit back and do nothing,
except, of course, I have to show up at the fictitious ransom drop.
You made up your own ransom drop? - Naturally!
I got news for you, Carol.
That woman ain't comin' back.
I know. [ Chuckling ]
Did you have any trouble?
No, I'm tellin' you I enjoyed it.
I'm havin' fun! [ Cork Pops ]
We'll clean the rug, honey.
[ Chuckling ]
For you, my cupcake.
To the kidnappers.
To the future Mrs. Sam Stone.
Whoops! I gotta run. I'm sorry, honey.
I was hopin' we'd have time for little... poke in the whiskers.
What a shame. - I'll take a rain check,
and a few of these bonbons.
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah
Zip-a-dee-ay
[ Announcer #1 ] Rock always winds up his opponent, too.
[ Announcer #2 ] Yes, always and I think Murdo's gonna get a taste of it tonight.
Ooh my, look at all that hair,
or, uh, fur, if you would.
[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Announcer #1 ] He doesn't need a coat in wintertime.
He'll just walk around like that and have plenty of heat.
You okay?
[ Sighs ]
She's out! - Help, police!
Get the chloroform! [ Sandy ] Come back, honey.
Police! Somebody help me!
[ Groaning ] Get me the police. I've been kidnapped.
How the hell do I know where I am?
- Good.
Now, be quiet and don't move.
Nice faces... Nice easily-identifiable faces.
Boo! - I can't do this anymore!
Ow! God, that hurts!
[ Groaning ]
Aaah! - Aaah!
[ Whirring ]
[ High-Speed Whirring ]
Whee-aaah!
Oh! Ahh! [ Muffled Scream ]
Aaah!
[ Screaming ]
[ Groaning ]
This is Sergeant Blake at the lab.
I'd like a purchase search on Uniroyal model NXP.
That's right, for all of LA County.
[ TV Announcer ] This is Action News Break.
Police are now at the scene of a brutal murder in Inglewood...
they believe may be the result of another attack by the "bedroom killer."
Police investigators are asking anyone who may have seen this man 351.5
to contact them at 555-3421.
Police have also issued a warning that this man is extremely dangerous,
and citizens should not attempt to apprehend him.
This is Action News Break. I'm Rick DeReyes.
Away it goes! Trying to beat--
Money, better times, girls.
Six. Keep going. Steady, nice and tall.
Come on, and knees up, feet straight. Get those heels down.
And pull those abdominals in. Pull 'em in, suck 'em up.
If you're still on that couch eating that doughnut,
put it down and get up!
Three, four, standing nice and tall.
Heels down and front. Come on, reach.
Shh, shh, shh.
Come on, get those pepperoni thighs nice and high.
And reach! Do it a little higher. Squeeze those buns.
Remember, if you don't, no one else will.
[ Panting ]
And don't forget to breathe. [ Gasping, Panting ]
What if he doesn't show?
Well, then you get to keep her.
Everything's gonna work.
I'll call you.
Sandy, he's gonna show!
It's his wife.
[ Phone Ringing ]
Where are you, Sam?
[ Ringing ]
You son of a bitch!
I'm gonna turn your transmitter on.
He can't see the microphone? - No, it looks fine.
Mr. Stone, telephone.
Hello? [ Kenny ] Mr. Stone, we had a meeting.
Hang on, will ya, Harry? I have some friends here.
Call me on my office line, 555-7583. Right?
Business associate.
555-7583. 555-7583.
[ Ringing ]
Hello?
Mr. Stone, why have you failed to appear at the designated destination?
Ahem. I just couldn't make it.
The cops are there, aren't they?
That's right, the cops are here, reporters too.
All right, Mr. Stone. I'm a reasonable man.
I'm gonna give you one more chance.
We will reschedule our rendezvous for Wednesday.
Do you understand? - You're rescheduling?
Yes, I am.
So, she's still alive? She's in perfect health.
Uh, in our previous discussion,
you mentioned that you would, uh...
kill my wife if procedure wasn't followed accurately.
That's correct. And that still goes?
Definitely! 404.5
Uh, what method would you use?
How would you kill her?
A bullet through the head at close range.
That would do it, no question.
Um, well, you've got me convinced.
Until Wednesday. 409.5
Until Wednesday, then.
Muffy,
you've taken your last piss on my rug.
Tell Mr. Stone it's time to leave for the ransom drop.
I hope he's not-- [ Gunshots ]
Oh, my God! [ Gunshots ]
[ Yelping ]
It just-- It just went off.
[ "Dance Champion" Performed By Kool And The Gang ]
[ Car Honking ]
♫ Coast to coast via satellite
♫ The greatest show in town
♫ Tonight we crown the champion, yeah
♫ So spread the word around
♫ Who's the best passed the test
♫ Who's got that look in their eyes ♫
Better give him a call.
[ Phone Ringing ]
Hello? This is Bender.
It's been over an hour and he hasn't shown up.
If they haven't come by now, I don't think they're gonna show.
Why don't you go on home? We'll send an unmarked car to follow you.
All right. All right.
Give me all your money, Jack! Come on, before I kill you.
Come on! Come on!
Here you go. - Give me your wallet.
Come on, before I stick this right through your back.
All right, here you go. My wallet. - Give me all your jewelry,
your watch, rings, everything. - Jewelry, watch.
You want my underwear too, you piece of shit? Here.
You know, this town has got some Neighborhood Watch!
I brought you some more magazines.
More magazines? How long do you plan on keeping me down here?
Well, as soon as Mr. Stone pays the ransom.
It should be Monday. 443.5
Good. I'd hate to miss my doctor's appointment.
Doctor's appointment? Why, do you need medication?
I get a urine injection.
You get urine injected?
- Why? It promotes weight loss.
Does it work? - Yeah, it works!
"Lancome throat and firming massage cream. 449.5
Sperm whale oil.
Royal queen bee jelly." 450.5
I can't get you these things. We can't afford it.
That's not my problem, it's yours.
Supply these things and I will tell the jury you acted humanely.
It might make the difference between life...
and the chair!
[ Groaning ]
Or the gas chamber. Ssss.
[ Gasping, Choking ]
Sometimes, if it's a firing squad,
they miss all the major arteries.
Bang! And you don't die right away.
You kinda just... hang on, bleeding.
Bleeding.
[ Gasping ] Bleeding...
[ Screaming ]
Endlessly. [ Screaming, Crashing ]
Now, I want you to mail this from across town.
I don't want him seeing a postmark from my neighborhood.
Right. You're good at this.
We can't be too careful with Sam. He's a very suspicious man.
I've got to see him one more time. - You do?
If I don't see him on his birthday, he'll be very, very suspicious.
He'll be expecting his usual present.
[ Sandy ] It's been horrible.
No matter what I do or as nice as I can be,
she just tears into me.
She hates me. - Sandy, you're her kidnapper.
She's supposed to hate you.
I'll take it.
Okay. - Just ignore her.
Heyaah!
No dinner for you, then. - Ah, gee whiz!
That really hurts. I'm a real aficionado of death-camp cuisine.
- Look,
as long as you're here, why don't you just pretend...
to be a guest.
[ Wolf Whistle ] Nice butt.
- That's what they'll say. I beg your pardon?
Nice butt. That's what they'll say on your first day...
in the men's club.
Men's club? - Mmm.
The San Quentin country club.
With a cute little rear end like that, you'll be the belle of the ball.
Your dance card'll be filled every day.
You'll be so popular,
making all kinds of new, close friends.
Big, ugly hairy friends!
Not that you'll ever see what they look like,
'cause you'll be facing the other way.
You're very good at this.
You should write children's books.
[ Yelping ]
[ Growling ] Get outta here, you crotch wet.
Go on, get! Goddamn you, dog!
Yes, your attack dogs,
do they just attack people, or can you get them to attack little dogs?
Oh. Well, what if you starve them for awhile?
Oh. All right, thank you.
[ Beeping ] Yeah?
[ Secretary ] Miss Farnsworth to see you. Send her in.
Happy birthday, Sam.
I brought you your present.
Oh yeah? Where is it?
Here it is, Sam. Does it meet with your satisfaction?
Mmm. - Is there anything else you desire?
How 'bout a big dog?
Can you get one? - A big dog?
Yeah, like a Great Dane or a mastiff. How big does a shepherd get?
Sam, as sexually provocative as I like to think I am--
I'm not askin' you to screw the dog, Carol.
It's for me.
[ Rock ]
See, that's what I've got, the Dominator X-1.
It's the best speaker they carry. - It's really pretty.
May I help you? - Yeah, uh--
Hi. - Hi.
Candy's here to get a stereo, and I'm here to see she doesn't get ripped off.
Don't worry, I'm not like the others.
How much did you want to spend?
$800. - $500.
Okay, I think I have an idea what to show you.
Let's start with speakers. - Okay.
Over here, we have a great speaker, Sentry EV-1.
Consumer Stereo has just rated this a best buy.
I have a pair myself. - Yeah, uh, what do you think of this one?
The Dominator X-1?
The Dominator's a good marketing idea,
but it's really not a good speaker.
We give it a 500% markup, so we sell it at 50% off,
give the customer the illusion he's getting a deal,
and we still make a bundle.
But it's so big and impressive! - Size means very little.
Bigger is not necessarily better.
I sound like Dr.Ruth.
You mean the Dominator's like a, uh-- - Well,
the Dominators are very popular with men who like to have bigger...
uh--
Equipment? - Exactly!
All right, let's try this one.
Knees bent down, hips tucked under.
We're gonna work on the waist. We're gonna loosen it up. Take the arms left and right.
Out, and reach as far as you can.
Keep going. Okay, left.
This time hold it over to the left. Reach as far as you can.
Reach the right arm up to it and take it out.
Very slowly twist through the rib cage.
Slowly lengthen, lift that right leg up and hold it.
Aaah!
Keep holding it. Great! Doesn't that feel good?
Muffy?
Oh, Muffy? [ Kissing Sounds ] [ Growling ]
[ Yipping ]
Muffy, meet Adolph.
Adolph, eat Muffy!
[ Barking ]
Bon appetit, Adolph.
[ Muffy Yipping ]
Junk, garbage, garbage, junk.
What do we got here?
[ Woman Moaning ]
- Oh-ho-ho. [ Moaning ]
[ Screaming ]
"I thought you might find this interesting.
An Anonymous Friend."
[ Moaning ] More!
[ Chuckling ]
[ Hand Vacuum Whirring ] [ Laughing ]
[ Phone Ringing ]
Hello. [ Sam ] Carol, I got your tape.
[ Gasp ] What are you talking about?
The tape... the videotape.
What makes you think it was me?
Who else would send me something like this?
[ Moaning ]
It's Sam. He's onto us.
How in the hell did you get this, Carol?
A friend of mine took it.
It's terrific. I know why you sent me this tape, honey.
And you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna do the same damn thing with you.
And you, too, could scream your brains out because no one's gonna hear.
You are gonna be beggin' me for mercy,
whimpering. [ Chuckle ]
Oh, here she goes again. Listen to this.
This is my favorite part.
[ Screaming, Moaning ]
[ Panting ]
He's gonna kill me. He's gonna torture me and kill me.
I can't stay here. I'm gonna have to stay...
at your place.
[ Truck Horn Blasts ]
[ Rockabilly, Indistinct ]
Don't worry, honey. Stay here as long as you want.
Oh, shoot!
Crockett and Tubbs, they're floatin'.
[ Carol ] I can't just sit here and wait for him...
to track me down and kill me.
We've got to get Sam put in jail.
I want you to make another copy of that tape,
and this one's for the police.
[ Ringing ]
[ Footsteps ]
So, I guess it's just a matter of time before you're caught,
right, honeybun?
Barbara, I want to ask you a personal question.
You and Mr. Stone,
did you get along?
[ Footsteps ]
So, what did she say?
She just insulted me.
I don't think he loves her.
Let's face it, she's not Mother Teresa. Gandhi would have strangled her.
What are we gonna do, Kenny?
I'm tired of being scared all the time every day.
I can't take this anymore.
I know he's bluffing.
I just know it.
I've got to be really tough with him.
Never let the seller know you're hot to trot.
Tell him you haven't got the money.
[ Phone Ringing ]
Hello. Debbie?
Yeah, Debbie's here. Who's this?
Well, Ralph, Debbie can't talk right now. My dick's in her mouth.
How 'bout if I have her call you back when I'm done.
I love wrong numbers.
Anyway, tell 'em you don't have the money,
that "it's all tied up in investments" or some crap.
[ Ringing ]
Hang on! A bad salesman will automatically drop his price.
Bad salesmen make me sick. Hello.
Mr. Stone, do you love your wife?
Hang on. Would you excuse me for a moment, please?
Oh, sure, Mr. Stone.
[ Door Closing ] Go ahead.
Mr. Stone, you love your wife, don't you?
Sure, I love my wife.
Mr. Stone, we demand a satisfactory explanation...
why you haven't shown with the money.
Look, pal, you're asking a lot of cash. 650.5
I haven't got that kind of money laying around the house.
It's all tied up in investments, so, I'm sorry.
Sorry? What do you mean, sorry?
No can do. What?
No deal. You have to take your business elsewhere.
What? 655.5
No "cash-ola."
Uh, wh-wh-what about, uh... less?
You make me sick. Make me an offer.
Uh, bring--
Bring... 50,000 in unmarked bills...
to the same phone at noon on Thursday.
Thursday. Tomorrow's Thursday. You mean, tomorrow?
Yes, tomorrow! Bring 50,000 tomorrow!
And if I don't?
Then the next time you see your wife, pal, will be in the morgue.
Mr. Stone, I have bad news.
We think we've found your wife.
We'll need you to come with us to identify the body.
That's not her.
[ Walters ] There must be some mistake.
We want the woman who was brought in this morning.
Oh, Jane Doe 56? She's in the next room.
It looks like her, a lot like her.
But it's not her.
My Barbara! She's alive!
[ "Modern Woman" Performed By Billy Joel ]
♫ You see her sittin' with her coffee and her paper
♫ With her high-top sneakers of Italian design
♫ With her long, cool stare she aggravates attention
♫ Makes up her face while she makes up her mind
♫ Now you're in trouble maybe she's an intellectual
♫ What if she figures out you're not very smart
♫ Or maybe she's the quiet type who's into heavy metal
♫ You've got to get it settled 'cause she's breakin' your heart
♫ Don't try to put on an act
♫ You can't do that to a modern woman
♫ And you're an old-fashioned man
♫ She understands the things you're doin'
♫ She's a modern woman
♫ She's a modern woman ♫
[ Woman Moaning ]
[ Moaning ] More!
[ Beeping ]
Yes?
Sir, there's someone on the phone. They say they sent you that tape.
Put 'em through, please.
Hello.
Hello. Is this Chief Benton?
Uh, y-yes.
I'm the one who sent you the tape.
Have you had a look at it yet?
Yes, I just saw it.
So, what do you think? - Well, obviously...
it's very upsetting.
This whole thing's making me ill. - I agree.
That poor woman, she had to go through a living hell.
I'd rather die a quick death. - All right! All right!
What do you want from me?
Well, arresting Sam Stone would be a good start.
You want me to arrest Sam Stone?
Any special reason why I should arrest him?
For murdering his wife! - Murder?
Well, uh, all right, okay.
You know, it's not gonna be easy. I'll need evidence.
That tape isn't enough to convince you? Jesus!
Think of the publicity you'll get.
All right, all right. I'm convinced.
I'll have Sam Stone arrested. - Thank you.
Sam Stone?
Chief Benton. 720.5
- The investigation has taken a new direction.
We've reason to believe Stone may have murdered his wife.
Mr. Stone? Oh, no. - You heard me.
I want this placed combed until something is found. Got it? 723.5
Yes, sir.
[ Yipping ]
Muffy, there you are.
Ahh.
Where have you been, huh? Good girl.
Ah, yeah, the big dog won't hurt you, huh?
He's just a big--
[ Policeman ] Chief Benton!
What is it? - I found this in the backyard.
Chloroform. And Officer Williams found snapshots...
of Mr. Stone and another woman.
Really?
Jackpot!
Mr.Kessler? Ken Kessler?
Yes? - We're police officers.
I'm Lt. Bender. This is Lt. Walters.
May we have a word with you, please?
Oh, sure. Uh--
Come upstairs. We can talk in the salesmen's office.
[ Kenny ] Have a seat. - Thank you.
Mr.Kessler, over a week ago...
a lady named Barbara Stone was kidnapped from her Bel Air home.
Are you familiar with the case? - Yeah, I read about it.
We believe the vehicle the kidnappers used left a tire print in her driveway.
We took a mold of that print, had our lab analyze it, 747.5
and the results were rather interesting.
[ Walters ] These are the prints of the kidnapper's car,
and these are the prints of your car.
[ Beeper ]
Is there a phone I can use?
Uh, sure, it's right over there on the desk.
Amazing similarity!
Would you excuse me for a second?
I've got to go to the bathroom. I've got a touch of the stomach flu.
Sure, go right ahead.
Chloroform? What about fingerprints?
Bingo! We have a winner.
You won't believe this. They found evidence implicating Stone.
Stone? You're kidding? - Chloroform and fingerprints.
I'll be damned. Let's get out of here.
Where's Kessler? - In the john.
[ Grunting ] [ Glass Breaking ]
[ Grunting ]
Stomach flu.
Mr.Kessler?
I'll b-be right out.
Don't bother, sir. Thank you for your help.
We'll just show ourselves out.
[ Loud Groaning ]
Hello. All right, Mr. Stone.
We came very close to killing your wife,
but she begged us repeatedly for just one more chance.
So in the spirit of compassion and mercy,
we decided not to kill her just yet.
Compassion and mercy?
What the hell's going on over there? I thought you people were ruthless!
We are, Mr. Stone. Then what's this phone call about?
We called to make you an offer,
an offer even you can't refuse. Oh?
Yeah. 10,000.
Fat chance!
Mr. Stone, this is no joke! We're desperate people.
I believe this is a joke, pal, and you're it.
The last time we spoke, you said my wife would be...
in the morgue if I didn't pay.
Well, I didn't pay and today I was at the morgue.
She wasn't there. You lied to me.
You know what I think of you? - No.
You got no nuts! What do I have to do?
Put a gun in your hand, aim, and pull your finger down, you spineless wimp?
I dare you to kill her!
Now that oughta do it.
Hey, you? Wanna sell me a stereo?
Yeah, I'll sell you a stereo. - All right.
I'm lookin' for something real hot. I don't wanna get ripped off, you know?
Okay.
You're looking for some real hot speakers, right?
I'm not talking about something you just listen to.
I'm talking about the kind of sound you can feel. 800.5
Yeah!
You know what I mean. - Yeah!
When it comes to great stereo, you can't beat big speakers.
I'm talking about big speakers with big woofers like this.
You can get this. It has a nice little eight-inch woofer, or this ten-incher.
Over here we have a nice big 12-inch.
But I can tell by the look on your face, man, you want something even bigger.
Fuck, yeah! - "Fuck, yeah" is right.
We gotta go to the big room for this!
The big room! Check it out, my man.
The flagship of the entire Dominator line. The MX-10.
I have a pair of these myself.
30 inches of thigh-slappin', blood-pumpin' nuclear brain damage!
Bitchin'! Hey, what's the fucking cost?
That's the bitchin' part about it. It don't matter.
If you can't afford it, fuckin' finance it!
[ Loud Hard Rock ]
Yeah! Whoo!
So what if it's as big as a Subaru and costs as much!
You'll never have to trade this in.
This is gonna be with you for the rest of your life.
And when you die, they can bury you in it!
I want it!
This guy is okay. First guy I feel I can really trust.
Wait a minute. Why don't I show you something else?
They're not very big, but Consumer Stereo rates them a best buy.
The Sentry EV-1s. And they're not gonna break you.
Pick 'em up. That's it.
Kick it out. Two more.
That's it! Whew, I'm pooped.
Let's take a break. 830.5
Take a break? Come on, you little wimp!
Let's go!
Here's your lunch.
It's fruit salad. You seem to like that the most,
although you still don't eat as much as you should.
My body's become a more efficient machine. I go farther with less food.
You must be in pretty good shape by now.
You certainly look good.
You've lost a lot of weight.
Huh? What?
Oh, yeah, you've lost a lot of weight, at least 20 pounds.
What?
Tw--
Do you have a scale?
I don't know how to thank you! - Thank me?
I've been to... ten different fat farms in,
God, I don't know how many years.
And I lost a total, a total of six pounds.
I have lost 20 pounds!
I wasn't sure, but...
it felt thin.
You wouldn't have a-- never mind.
A-- A what? - No, no, no.
It's very silly.
No, what? Please tell me.
All my life I wanted to have a slinky little figure...
so I could wear some Bill Blass or Valentino,
some exotic evening gown like Christian Dior, Jerry Galanos.
Are you kidding me? You're kidding me, aren't you?
I'm sorry. I know it's ridiculous to think that somebody of your,
- well, moderate means-- 860.5
I'll be right back. Just don't go anywhere.
- Sam Stone? Yeah?
- Mr. Stone, you're under arrest.
For mixing cotton with silk?
This is absolutely beautiful!
Whose design is this? Is this Bill Blass? Albert Nipon?
Nah, too conventional. - Halston?
I know who did it. Oscar de la Renta.
I designed it.
Get outta here! Really? Wow!
You're a professional.
Nah. 871.5
- You are! Honey, this is sensational. Do you have any more?
Wait!
♫ I won't do you no harm, no
♫ You've got to be all mine all mine
♫ Ooh, foxy lady ♫
[ Giggling ]
♫ Foxy ♫
So, Sam told you I was his partner?
No way! He was just passing the buck.
Oh, God.
So, when do I get out of here?
As soon as Mr. Stone pays the ransom.
What's the problem? What is the ransom?
It, it was $500,000.
That shouldn't be a problem.
He complained.
He complained?
And then we dropped our price to $50,000.
Yeah? - He didn't pay.
He didn't pay?
So now what?
So now...
we're dropping our price again to $10,000.
Do I understand this correctly?
I'm being marked down?
What is this? The bargain basement?
I've been kidnapped by Kmart!
Don't cry, Barbara.
Hey, check it out.
You sure got a pretty mouth.
- All right, Stone, let's go.
- Hey, was it something I said? Yeah.
Although this is a capital crime,
the accused is an upstanding member of the community,
a responsible and successful businessman...
and has never before posed a threat to society.
Bail will be granted and set at...
- $700,000. You want to try for a reduction?
No, pay the ticket and let's get the hell out of here.
That filthy slug! That screeching little witch!
That pasty-faced troll! - The judge?
My wife! I gotta get her back!
Sandy? - Kenny?
It's over. Sam isn't going to pay the ransom.
He couldn't care less. I'm no criminal.
I can't even sell retail... and that's legal.
We gotta get packing and get outta here. - Oh, Kenny!
I've got some very interesting news for you.
I am the new rising star...
in high fashion! - Let's get a grip on ourselves.
Try to be calm. We're going down to Mexico for a couple of years.
We can camp on the beach. - Does that mean we let Barbara go?
We're not going to take her with us. - Good.
'Cause I've already let her go. - What? You let her go?
[ Kenny ] Oh, my God!
You didn't let her just run right out of here? - Yeah!
Oh, my God! - Why not?
She knows where we live. She'll turn us in. The police will be here.
You don't understand. She really likes us now.
I showed her my gowns. She loves them.
We're all going into business together.
We're gonna open our fall line in Paris. - She told you this?
Yes. She really, truly loves me.
She can be trusted. She's changed!
Changed? What'd you do? Perform an exorcism?
Ken, she lost nearly 20 pounds.
Well, you just had to be there. It was a very special moment.
[ Knocking ]
I'm surprised they knocked.
Good afternoon. We're wondering if you've seen this man.
He was sighted in the area a few weeks ago and then again this morning.
He's psychotic, extremely dangerous and violent.
He's killed half a dozen people. - I gotta get outta here.
My wife, she's late for work.
Doesn't look familiar.
Keep this and give us a call at this number in case you do see him.
Under no circumstances should you try to subdue him yourself. He's extremely violent.
He looks it. Thank you very much, Officer.
Sandy?
It's okay. It's okay!
They're looking for somebody else.
I'll get the other suitcase from the basement.
Hello?
Anybody home?
Oh, hello. Are you a friend of Ken and Sandy's?
You... look like my mother.
I hate my mother.
No. [ Whimpering ]
[ Gasp ]
You-- You look just like my father.
I hate my father!
[ Scream ]
Jesus.
[ Barbara ] What the hell was that?
[ Sandy ] Honey, don't touch him.
Oh, my God. It's the bedroom killer.
He told me I look like his mother.
He hates his mother.
He's dead.
[ Barbara ] So, if I look like his mother...
and you look like his father,
this is what our son would look like.
Pretty strong argument for birth control. - What do we do now?
Barbara, what are you doing here?
[ Barbara ] I got it! I tell you, I've got it.
Listen to this. All right.
Sam arrives on a motorcycle wearing shorts, no shoes, no shirt, nothing.
Maybe we'll just put him in a jockstrap.
We send him all over town in the middle of a hot, sunny day.
Sam burns real easily. He'll be bright red.
I can't believe this is happening.
[ Barbara ] Then he's got to cover himself with honey and go to a bee farm.
We make him dance so the bees go absolutely nuts! - I don't think she really--
Then we all watch while they sting him to death!
Yeah!
Don't we want a punishment that'll keep stinging him the rest of his life?
My God, he must've been seeing this woman for years.
Castrate him! I want to castrate him.
Wouldn't it be better if we struck at the core of Sam's being,
- his reason for living? What would that be?
His testicles!
Would you know in complete detail what Sam's total net worth would be,
not just the big stuff, the little stuff too, down to the last penny?
Yeah... I think so.
Good. I want you to write it down in as much detail as you can.
Fire up the stove. Get the tofu burgers from the freezer.
We're calling Sam.
My tux, my silk tux.
Et tu, Adolph? Et tu?
[ Whimpering ]
[ Phone Ringing ]
Hello? [ Kenny ] Hi, Sam.
Oh, thank God it's you! I've been thinking about your last offer.
I think you're right. I cannot refuse.
$10,000 is fair and totally acceptable.
She's in bad shape, Sam. We've been torturing her.
[ Sizzling ] Aaah!
[ Sizzling ]
Aaah! - Don't kill her!
We found out your wife is worth quite a bit more than $10,000.
What do you mean? We changed our minds.
We've upped the ransom.
To what? We're up to $2 million.
$2 million?
You outta your fucking mind? Where'd you get an incredible figure like that?
Oh, you'd be surprised at the quality and quantity...
of information a lit cigarette can provide.
[ Barbara Screaming ]
[ Kenny ] What else? - Shh!
Gems! He's got rare gems in the safe. Oh, Sam, forgive me.
What kind of gems? How many? - I don't know.
Aaah! [ Sizzling ]
Aaah!
Four flawless one-karat diamonds!
The bitch blabbed.
Apparently, you got a million-two built up in equity on Sam's Sportswear,
another 350,000 in your pension plan.
General Dynamics closed at 75 and 3/4 today,
which brings another 175,000 to the party.
45,000 for the Excalibur and now there's the four one-karat diamonds in the safe.
You inhuman slime!
[ Dial Tone ]
[ TV Announcer ] After his release yesterday,
Mr. Stone continued to deny the charges...
despite what the district attorney's office insists is overwhelming evidence.
Overwhelming evidence is right! What more do they want?
How could they let him go?
Hello? - Hello. It's me again.
I see Sam Stone's been released.
It's not easy keeping a man in jail with these liberal courts.
A man is innocent until proven guilty.
Well, how do you think these courts would feel...
if I gave that tape to the media? - Oh, my... God.
Yeah! They'd go crazy for it.
They love to show sick stuff like that.
It'd probably be on national TV 24 hours a day for weeks!
I bet that'd get a hell of a reaction.
Please, please don't do that.
Where's your sense of compassion?
Why do you have to be so vicious?
Vicious? Have you seen that tape?
Come on! What's the big deal?
It's just a lonely man who wanted a little excitement.
That kind of thing happens every day. Everybody does it!
I don't believe this.
I don't believe you said that!
Men get the urge.
We're only human. - You're sick.
Hello? No, don't hang up on me!
So, what'd he say? - Something strange is happening here.
Either the chief is a complete moron,
and complete morons are rare,
or he's playing games with me.
We better find someplace where we can look at that tape.
This is perfect. - It is?
Give me the tape.
Okay.
[ Moaning ] [ Man ] Ho, ho-ho!
You idiot! This isn't Sam. - And he isn't killing her.
[ Woman ] That's my husband!
Barbara really was kidnapped.
She really was kidnapped! I didn't kill her.
Please believe me. You gotta be there.
They're coming this time for sure.
I think the deli's using a different mustard. The last time it was tangier.
Jesus Christ! I'm pleading for my life...
and you're discussing the inconsistency of lunch meat condiments!
Haven't you heard a word I've said?
[ Phone Ringing ]
God!
I'm sorry, Mr. Stone, but since the house is in your wife's name,
as well as her other 15 million in assets,
you're not legally entitled to it as long as your wife is alive.
However, you've got a million-two built up in equity in your business,
another 350,000 in your pension plan.
You'd have no problem using that as collateral.
All right. Let's do it!
[ Phone Ringing ]
Hello? [ Carol ] Sam?
Carol! Where the hell have you been? I've called you 100 times.
Sam, I miss you. How have you been?
I'm going crazy over this kidnapping thing.
And the cops won't do a damn thing to help me. - Why?
They don't believe me. They think I made up the kidnapping.
They won't even show up at the ransom drop to see if I'm telling the truth!
You're gonna be all by yourself? That's terrible.
How much money is it?
$2.2 million. - Cash?
Of course it's cash.
Have you ever heard of a kidnapper taking a check?
Where are you going to give them the money?
I mean, I, I hope it isn't dangerous.
I've gotta go to a phone booth...
on Hope Street Plaza.
[ Ringing ]
Hello? [ Barbara ] Sam!
It's so nice to hear your voice. How's Muffy?
Listen, Sam, we don't have much time.
There's a gun pointed at my head.
They're making me give the ransom instructions in case the police are listening.
You must make sure there are no police, otherwise they'll kill me.
Nope. No cops.
Now, have you got all the money?
$2.2 million in unmarked, nonsequential bills?
You miserable scum-sucking pig!
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. 1117.5
They made me say that.
Yeah, I got all the money. It's all there in the briefcase?
You scumbag! You lowlife motherfucker!
Oh dear. They made me say that too.
It's in the case, yeah. The Rolex too? The gold Rolex?
Who said anything about the Rolex? They never mentioned the Rolex.
They want the Rolex and your pinkie ring!
Honey, they tortured me with cigars. I had to tell them everything.
All right. What else?
That's it! Just wait there.
Bag, please.
Come on, give me the bag!
Freeze!
Put the bag down and put your hands on your head.
Bender!
They're from the government. They're here to help you.
I said no police. Do you know what this means?
[ Kenny ] Stay back.
They touch me and I give the order to kill! Got it?
Leave me alone or she's a dead woman.
- You want her blood on your hands? What do you think?
Let's just follow him home. - Okay, let him go.
What?
What are you doing? - Gimme it!
Let go. Tell him to let go.
If he doesn't let go I give the order. - Go ahead, give the order.
Let go! She's a dead woman if he doesn't!
All right,
drop it.
Punk.
[ Ringing ]
Hello?
This is Lt. Bender. What are you doing?
I'm taking my money. You got your man. The rest is your problem.
Mr. Stone, you may be guilty of obstructing justice, aiding and abetting a felon,
accomplice to kidnapping and possibly murder.
My advice to you is to drop the gun, give back the bag.
We have 150 officers, 75 cars 1155.5
and two helicopters. He won't get away.
That's better. - Here!
What are you doing here?
Tell them to get out of here! If they don't go, she's dead!
All right, gentlemen, clear the street, please.
You too, Mr. Stone. Back away.
That's better.
[ Walters ] You can go now.
Don't follow me. Understand?
[ Walters ] We understand.
Don't move! - Who the hell are you?
What the hell is going on?
I'm robbing you!
Stop him! [ Gunshot ]
Did you shoot at me? - No, you moron. There's police all over.
Hundreds of 'em!
Do I look that stupid?
Yes, you do!
If you shot at me, where's your gun?
Well, you're too sharp for me! You got me figured out.
I don't have one.
[ Gunshot ]
That was a brand new tire.
Give me your keys.
I don't believe this! [ Bender ] Give the bag to Bozo,
drop the gun and put your hands in the air.
Who said that?
This could very well be the stupidest person on the face of the earth.
Perhaps we should shoot him.
[ Bender ] It's the police department.
Really?
No! We're the National Rifle Association!
Christ!
I'm leaving now. They said they wouldn't follow me.
♫ Hey
♫ Stand up
♫ Ruthless People
♫ Watch yourself
♫ Hey
♫ Stand up
♫ Ruthless People
♫ You can have it if you want it
♫ It might take the rest of your life
♫ If you want it you can have it
♫ Ruthless People ♫ They're still following me.
- I should have known. I knew this wouldn't work.
You can't trust the police!
Oh, God. Oh... boy.
He's cornered and he knows it. - I hope he doesn't hurt anybody.
I'm not going to jail! I'm not going to jail!
Oh, my God!
[ Honking ] Hey, look out!
[ Honking ]
Watch it!
[ Woman ] Somebody help! He'll drown!
The water's way too cold. - There's riptides.
I've seen sharks. - Somebody call an ambulance.
Look there!
That's money!
My money!
Let's get the coast guard and fish him out.
You can't do that!
That's not your money!
That's my money! Stop 'em!
Aaah!
The bedroom killer!
[ Sam ] What about the money?
They recovered a few thousand dollars. The rest must have washed away.
He said if anything went wrong,
they'd kill Barbara.
Things couldn't have gone more wrong than this, could they?
That means she's dead.
[ Sobbing ]
[ Laughing ]
Mrs. Stone! - I'll be damned!
Mrs. Stone? - Yes.
I'm Lt. Walters. We're glad to see you're okay.
I'm sorry to have to ask you to do this right now,
but I'm afraid we need you to identify the body.
Yes! That's him!
Oh, I could never forget that face.
What hell he put me through.
You're sure he worked alone? - Oh, positive.
He mentioned having a partner. 1239.5
He was schizophrenic. He thought he had partners.
Where's Sam?
He's over there, Mrs. Stone.
Would you excuse me for a moment?
I'd just like to be alone with my husband.
Certainly. - Thank you.
Hello, Sam.
Barbara!
You look terrific!
You think so?
I mean,
you're so thin. - Really?
Does it show?
I mean, you're beautiful!
Oh, Sam! - Oh, Barbara!
I hope my marriage is as strong as theirs after 15 years.
I can't believe we doubted Stone's affection for his wife.
We almost blew it. Thank God she's alive. - [ Grunting ]
Ol' buddy, you work, you put in long hours. It's a tough beat.
But it all seems worth it when you get a moment like this.
[ Walters ] Yeah, I love a happy ending.
[ Grunting ] Barbara!
[ Splash ]
SUBS = PS