[piano playing]
[vocalizing]
[cell phone ringing]
-Hello? -Lord Boltron.
Adam Scott, my best friend.
Hey, I've got two words for you, bro: Vegas, baby!
Las Vegas.
Strippers, shots, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.
Sorry, Adam, no can do tonight.
All righty, then... Reno, baby!
Cheaper strippers, cheaper shots, two Bubba Gumps.
Not gonna happen, kemosabe.
Okay, well, Bakersfield, baby? Santa Fe? Cincinnati?
-What's going on, bro? -It's Valentine's Day.
Man, what is it with you and Valentine's Day?
Why do you care so much about this stupid holiday?
"Why," you ask?
[music playing]
♪ There's something quite miraculous About this time of year ♪
♪ Playful lights in window shops A special kind of cheer ♪
♪ The neighbors have that certain glow For everyone to see ♪
♪ Just ten months till Christmas ♪
♪ That's what Valentine's Day Means to me ♪
You down there! What are you singing about?
-Christmas, of course! -Why? It's February!
-Ha ha ha! -Ah!
♪ As winter slowly goes away And out comes Mr. Sun ♪
♪ It's such a nice reminder To get our shopping done ♪
♪ People say it's early But I must disagree ♪
♪ Just ten months till Christmas ♪
♪ That's what Valentine's Day Means to me ♪
-Ho ho ho! -Santa!
Come here, you big bowl of jelly.
Good to see you, my boy. Michael, I need your help.
Something got into the elves this year, and they made way too many toys.
-So, you want me to kill the elves. -[man] He's got a gun!
What? No! There's too many toys, so we need more babies to give them to.
Seventy-five thousand, to be exact.
Well, what do you want me to do, put out another sexy single?
I fear that may not be enough.
I need you to make a Valentine's Day special,
a production so sexy
that people around the world will be compelled to make love.
And ten months from now, there'll be 75,000 new babies,
and Christmas will be saved!
Thy will be done, Kris.
[slapping]
♪ So, I know what I must do To make them copulate ♪
♪ Just like 2,000 years ago When Mary found her mate ♪
♪ That special February night ♪
♪ When they made lil' J.C. ♪
♪ It was just ten months Till Christmas ♪
♪ That's what Valentine's Day ♪
♪ Means to me ♪
[woman] It's Michael Bolton's Big, Sexy Valentine's Day Special.
With special guests:
Maya Rudolph,
Kenny G,
Misty & Blair,
Casey Wilson,
chocolatier Peter Salanz,
Michael Fulton,
celebrity chef Chef Roy,
Baby Archer,
virtual reality expert Dr. Vince Harbert
and Santa Claus.
And now here's your host, Michael Bolton.
♪ Cupid, draw back your bow ♪
♪ And let your arrow go ♪
♪ Straight to my lover's heart for me ♪
♪ Me ♪
Hey, there. I'm Michael Bolton.
I've sold more than 75 million records
and topped the charts with nine number-one singles.
But more importantly,
I'm the undisputed king of Valentine's Day.
♪ Nobody but me ♪
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you. Now let me show you where tonight's magic is gonna happen.
It's a little area of the set I like to call the "Love Nest."
Ah, yes. This is to my liking.
Designed by clinically insane Swedish architects
to encourage optimal lovemaking.
Slipper satin couch which comfortably seats up to four participants.
♪ Snuggle ♪
A well-stoked fire,
the lights of which will illuminate the sweat upon our writhing bodies.
♪ Oh, sweaty, sweaty me ♪
A carcass of a dead animal,
as a sober reminder of the fact we're still alive.
♪ Hell yeah ♪
Let's take it somewhere a touch more private, if you don't mind.
Ah, the boudoir. I love art, especially the naked stuff.
It makes me think of... sex.
I did that one myself at age nine. It still turns me on.
I hope you'll feel comfortable here.
Remember: Nothing's off limits in the Love Nest.
Except that room. That's the man cave.
That's for me and the boys to bro out.
It's got a mini-fridge and a kick-ass poster of a Lamborghini.
It's really cool. But like I said, off limits!
We'll be keeping track of how many babies are conceived tonight on our board.
We need your help to meet our goal of 75,000 new babies
by the end of the show,
or Christmas will be ruined.
Our operators are standing by to take your calls.
Tell them about your lovemaking experiences
or just ask them for tips.
If you want to have a guaranteed baby, tell the guy you're on the pill.
I'm glad to hear you just made love.
[ding]
You did it! Congratulations! Yes!
[Michael Bolton] Meanwhile, all night, our special guests
will be bringing down the house
with performances guaranteed to get you in the mood.
Oh, you're a polygamist? Oh... We can count on you for three?
Ha ha!
We've got three!
And now, to kick things off, a lovely song from a happy couple--
legendary duo Misty & Blair.
Thank you, Michael.
You know, Misty and I are so happy to be here to celebrate love
and to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary.
How do we do it? I think you lovers out there can attest--
sometimes it takes a little compromise.
[music playing]
-♪ I say it's red ♪ -♪ I'm seeing blue ♪
♪ Call it purple That's just what we'll do ♪
♪ Guess that's what makes us The happy couple ♪
-♪ Get in a fight ♪ -♪ We both think we're right ♪
♪ Let's say we're both wrong And go out for a bite ♪
♪ Guess that's what makes us The happy couple ♪
-♪ I like to choke ♪ -♪ I like to gag ♪
♪ Old missionary just ain't our bag ♪
♪ Guess that's what makes us The happy couple ♪
-♪ I'll shave your pubes ♪ -♪ And I'll shave your pubes ♪
♪ Lay down on our pubes And have a rough screw ♪
♪ Guess that's what makes us The happy couple ♪
-♪ I like Michael's hair ♪ -♪ I like his bum ♪
♪ Take a big bite Of that nice, juicy plum ♪
♪ Guess that's what makes us The happy couple ♪
-Leave me out of this. -♪ You're a Jewish ♪
♪ You're a Korean ♪
♪ Open your butt 'Cause I'd like to see in ♪
♪ Guess that's what makes us The happy couple ♪
-♪ I'll smoke a doob ♪ -♪ And I'll grab your boob ♪
♪ Then I'll sniff like a dog Through your meadow of pubes ♪
♪ Guess that's what makes us The happy couple ♪
You've sung about pubes twice!
♪ This is the locket Where I keep his pubes ♪
♪ And this pocket where-- ♪
Hey! Hey! Stop it! You started out so sweet,
and now you're downright perverse.
Excuse me? I beg to differ.
No, we were perverse from the very beginning.
Yeah, that "red or blue" thing was actually a debate
about the color of our privates by the end of the night.
And the "little fight before going out for a bite,"
that was about whether to buy a bigger butt plug.
And I still think we need it.
Oh, you would just love that, wouldn't you?
-All right, get out of here! -My asshole is lonely.
[Michael] Now let's check in with our board.
You're having trouble conceiving? Oh, I see.
You're having trouble conceiving the premise of this telethon.
I hope you're having a sexy time snuggled up with your special someone.
Go ahead, give them a little kiss right now.
I'll wait.
That's nice.
Now what you want to do is take your fingers and just put--
[saxophone playing]
What is that sound?
[saxophone continues]
It couldn't be.
Bolton.
Kenny G.
Surprised to see me?
[plays notes]
Not as surprised as I am to see you still haven't cut your hair.
And I, in turn, am surprised that you have.
For in our locks lies the strength of Samson.
You were once a brave warrior in the tribe of Long Locksmen,
which is a thing!
[plays notes]
That was a long time ago. I have forsaken that life.
I'm a Short-hair now.
You and so many others. Meat Loaf.
[plays single note]
Billy Ray Cyrus.
[plays single note]
All four dudes in Metallica.
[plays four notes]
Yanni hanging on by a fucking thread!
[plays three notes]
I'm doing a toot for each one of the dudes.
Yeah, I got that.
You betrayed your true nature,
and for that, I shall destroy you.
Fine. Let's do this.
Whoa! Chill! I meant with music, man. What is with you and the guns?
What gun?
-[gunshot] -[cat yowls]
I'm sorry. Can we stop? You just killed a cat.
I don't think so.
No, you threw your gun, then we heard a bang,
-and then a cat screamed. -No, you're mistaken.
I can see cat blood all over the wall!
That was there before.
The wall covered in cat blood was there before?
Can I help you with something, Kenny?
Prepare yourself for the Duel of Kings.
May all mortals rejoice as we regale them with the music of the gods.
[inhales deeply]
[playing "Dueling Banjos"]
[vocalizing "Dueling Banjos"]
[continues playing]
Not bad for a horn man.
[continues vocalizing]
[grunts]
[continues playing]
[continues vocalizing]
[inhales deeply]
[both continue playing and vocalizing]
Well, isn't that funny?
What started as a duel ended in a chill jam sesh.
They always do.
I'll take my leave of you.
But remember always the word of the Locksmen Prophecy:
"Only in your darkest hour shall your locks spring forth."
Cool. Well, see you later, Kenny.
Okay!
Assholes.
[cheering and applauding]
If you're looking for the perfect gift for your true love,
look no further than Custom Chocolatiers.
I paid a visit to their workshop in Solvang for a sneak-peek.
[Peter Salanz] Custom Chocolatiers is a special place.
People like things personalized,
tailored to their own specific tastes. We can do that.
We do do that.
Why don't you tell me a little bit about your girlfriend,
and I'll use that information to design the perfect assortment?
Well, let's see. She's a bold woman. She's very strong, very passionate.
She's refined. She sort of enjoys the finer things in life.
Oh.
But she's not afraid to have a little fun. She's worldly.
Worldly? Does your lady like nougat?
Hmm. I'm not sure.
All right.
We've got these candies. You've seen these before.
You can inscribe whatever you want. We custom-make these.
You can do: "Hey, sweetie, I love your style,"
"Ooh, mama, you're really turning me on over here,"
"Yo, hit me up online, I'll shoot you an email sometime, honey."
Every example I've given is too big to fit on a little candy like this,
so maybe just use what we have already.
[man] I think sometimes she puts on a tough exterior,
but I know that inside she's got a soft center.
-Does she like toffee? -I don't think so.
She's sweet, but she's kind of got a dark sense of humor, dry.
You've got to give me something to work with.
I'm looking at my kit. I've got walnut, coconut cream.
I've got some cherry cordials.
Well, she's very cordial.
You know, why don't we do this? Let's just do 12 plains.
Oh, okay.
When you present this to her, there's different ways you can do it.
Okay? You could do sort of 1920s, like, sort of little boy, like...
[high-pitched gibberish]
You know, just make it seem bigger than you.
[high-pitched] Here you go.
You could a tough-guy version.
Eat that! There's chocolate in there!
There's also magic, which is, like--
It's floating like this,
and in CGI, you can just take-- this can all come out.
First, get this as a still, and then it floats.
So, you're just kind of, like, "Hey, sweetie. Happy Valentine's Day."
-Okay. -Another service we have here is,
if you got a box of chocolates from someplace else
and it's all jumbled up, you don't know what's inside,
we have an ultrasound machine.
So, bring it in,
and I will be able to identify it for you.
And this one is...
plain.
All right, that's everything.
I'd like to offer you a complimentary chocolate water.
-Oh. -And we're all set here.
So, that is 12 plains.
-Oh, it's all melted. -Oh.
[Peter] Many people don't realize that this customization
makes it a lot harder on the manufacturer.
So, even though it's Custom Chocolatiers,
we strongly suggest that you choose one of our standard options.
It makes it much better for the both of us.
[Michael] And that's the story of Custom Chocolatiers.
Why did I go all the way to Solvang?
They didn't even cut to me once during the entire video.
[cheering and applauding]
Isn't tonight fantastic?
Looks like a lot of you are making babies out there, which is great.
But don't stop now.
-You know, I was just thinking how-- -Hey, Bolton!
This show fucking blows, man!
Hmm. It seems as though a group of punks have infiltrated our studio.
-So, you don't like my show, huh? -Yeah. It sucks ass!
-I guess you think it's kind of hokey. -No duh!
-Perhaps even a little uncool? -Shit yeah!
Well, I think I have something a bit more up your alley.
Hit it!
[rock music playing]
♪ Just take those old records Off the shelf ♪
♪ I'll sit and listen to them By myself ♪
♪ Today's music ain't got The same soul ♪
♪ I like that old time rock and roll ♪
♪ Don't try and take me to a disco ♪
♪ You'll never even get me out On the floor ♪
♪ In ten minutes I'll be late for the door ♪
♪ I like that old time rock and roll ♪
♪ Still like that old time Rock and roll ♪
♪ That kind of music Just soothes the soul ♪
He's not even gonna drink it!
♪ I reminisce about the days of old ♪
♪ With that old time rock and roll ♪
[vocalizing]
[electric guitar solo]
[playing saxophone solo]
-No, you've got to hit that spin, Michael. -I'm trying.
You're not trying hard enough. Do it again from the top.
Five, six, seven, eight...
[classical music playing]
You've got to hit that! Don't fucking mess with me!
You get this spin like your life depends on it!
Five, six, seven, eight...
No. You lean in, then you point.
-Point, then lean in? -No! Lean, then point.
Think of those fucking punks out there
and make them scared of real rock and roll!
Don't touch the piano! What are you, fucking crazy?!
You tease it. You tease it. You don't press the keys.
Make those punks fear you! Give it to me! Give it to me!
And when they come for you-- and believe me, they will come for you--
this performance will be the only thing to prove that Michael Bolton is cool!
How do you actually know the punks will show up?
Oh, they'll show up. They always show up.
Pick up the milkshake, take two steps, put down the milkshake. Do not drink it.
Stop! You've only got four weeks, people!
[chair clatters]
And then we step across and we see there's a second guitar photo.
-Why? -To fuck with their heads.
After much consideration, I have decided that the dancing musical note
will be played by...
Alan.
Oh!
[cheering and applauding]
It just seems like there's such a small chance of punks barging in.
There's still a chance!
You have one more time, one more go at this.
Five, six, seven, eight...
♪ Still like that old time Rock and roll ♪
♪ That kind of music Just soothes my soul ♪
♪ I reminisce about the days of old ♪
♪ With that old time rock and roll ♪
[vocalizing]
[song ends]
So, what do you punks have to say now?
That... was... badass!
That's what I thought.
[song resumes]
[playing saxophone solo]
[song ends, applause]
Oh, Romeo, my man, I like your style.
And now, here to tell us about the future of romance,
virtual reality expert Dr. Vince Harbert.
Thank you, Michael.
Yes, my team and I design virtual erotic simulations,
and I brought one for you to try right now.
-Jack me in, Doc. -All right.
Let's get this on you.
All right.
[beeping and whirring]
[Michael] Wow. This is incredible.
[Vince Harbert] And it only gets better. Watch.
[Michael] Oh, mama. What have we here?
-Hello. -I've been waiting for you.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
-Wait, what? -Don't forget your pill.
-My pill? -She means your Cialis.
I have to take Cialis in virtual reality?
Yes. We found it was beneficial to add some real-world obstacles into the VR.
It makes the simulation more immersive and, well, sexy.
Okay. Hmm. Where are they?
Maybe I'll try these drawers.
Let's find those pills.
Hurry, baby. I want you so badly.
[Michael] I am hurrying. Come on.
Oh, got 'em.
All right, there they are.
-What? Empty? -You need to get a refill at the pharmacy.
-I have to refill the prescription? -Yep. And...
[beeping and whirring]
-[Vince] Here we are. -Okay, it looks pretty normal. Oh, wow.
Why, hello, Mr. Bolton.
-Well, this is an interesting turn. -It certainly is.
I'll get your prescription.
Okay.
Thank you very much.
-What? -$22.50.
All right, now you have to pay. Get out your wallet
and swipe your debit card.
[Michael] Are you kidding me? Declined?
Give me a break.
-Well, maybe try a different card. -I only have the one.
Okay, why don't you just pay cash?
[Vince] Great! You've got your Cialis.
Let's head out into the parking lot. Get in your car.
Start the engine. Back out slowly.
-Oops! You spilled coffee on you! -Oh, God!
Pull out of the parking lot, and we're gonna get on the expressway.
And now you're home.
[Michael] Finally. Let's get this party started.
I missed you. Come here and give it to me, big boy.
Your wish is my command.
[moans]
Hey! Hands off my wife, you son of a bitch!
[Michael] What the-- ow! Ow!
What the hell are you doing?
I'm sorry, Michael, but that's my wife that I put into the simulation,
and I'm not just gonna sit here
and let myself get cucked by the likes of you!
[grunting]
Get him!
Ow!
Oh! Yes!
Ow!
Oh, baby, it is so hot watching you beat up Michael Bolton.
All right.
[moaning]
Yeah.
I'm just gonna leave you to it.
[moaning continues]
Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby!
[groans]
[cheering and applauding]
Have you tried saying things to each other that are not trite and mundane?
You know, perhaps thinking outside the bun.
No, I made that payment last week.
No, I gave-- how'd you find me?
Ladies and gentlemen...
♪ Maya Rudolph ♪
Music is the language of love, y'all,
and sometimes the right tune is all you need
to get you dancing and romancing.
♪ The night is a bore There's no love on the floor ♪
♪ Even booze can't do the trick You need to give the song a kick ♪
♪ And so ♪
[key changes]
♪ You're gonna want to do A key change, baby ♪
♪ Shit is getting steamy now 'Cause the key change, baby ♪
♪ Motherfuckers getting creamy 'Cause of the key change, baby ♪
But why stop there? Yeah.
[key changing]
♪ Let's give it a key change, baby ♪
♪ So hot now I'm about to pop With the key change, baby ♪
♪ Skeet, skeet, skeet, Scooby-Dooby-Doo With the key change, baby ♪
♪ If your house got robbed, you really Should get a key change, baby ♪
♪ When Michael Jordan puts on new shoes That's a Nike change, baby ♪
♪ Going from green to chamomile That's a tea change, baby ♪
♪ I said "tea," not "key" I tricked you, suckers ♪
♪ Key change, baby ♪
[key changing higher]
♪ Key change, baby ♪
♪ Key change, key change, key change ♪
♪ Key change, key change ♪
[holding high note]
♪ Key change, baby ♪
♪ You can also go to a lower key ♪
♪ It's a key change, baby ♪
♪ And that's the story Of the key change, baby ♪
[vocalizing in descending keys]
[vocalizing in very low register]
[cheering and applauding]
[Michael] ♪ Don't get caught in the fire ♪
I, for one, have worked up an appetite.
Please welcome celebrity chef Chef Roy.
-What have you got for us? -Well, Mike, I'll give you a hint,
and it rhymes with "bake."
I'm talking cake.
I have a brand-new line of Chef Roy's Bakery Delights
available at your local grocer,
including this limited-edition Valentine's Day pink champagne cake.
Well, we've got a few lucky volunteers to help us give this thing a taste.
Come on out, guys. Dianne, Ben, Susan, Darryl.
Let's dig in, gang.
-Get in there. -All right.
Wow, Roy, you have really outdone yourself.
Mmm. That's good.
Ah, look at Susan. She's going, "Um, can every day be Valentine's Day?"
[laughing]
-I am like that. I am. -And look at Ben.
Ben's going, "Cake? Uh, yeah, I don't mind if I do."
I've been nailed.
Oh! Look at Dianne. She's all, like, "I guess today's my cheat day."
Good one.
Oh, look at Darryl. He's going, "Cake? I think I just busted a nut in my pants!"
[laughing]
Yeah.
What?
Even Michael's going, "Hey, if there's gonna be cake,
I'm gonna do more holiday specials."
That's true.
Dianne. Look at her. Look at Dianne.
She's going, "Well, I guess I'm off my diet today."
I guess so.
Look at Darryl. He's going, "And I pretty much just shot in my pants.
Not joking."
No, I'm not like that.
Ben! Ben's all, "Me Tarzan. You cake."
[laughing]
Look at Darryl. He's going, "Cake's good and all,
but I'd rather be jacking it!"
Darryl, please, that's not appropriate.
-I didn't say that. -You were thinking it.
Susan's going, "Okay, that just got weird!"
Michael's going, "Hey, I didn't sign on for this!"
I really didn't.
And look at Darryl. He's going, "Cake's good and all,
but I'd rather eat Dianne's butt!"
-Darryl! -What the hell, man?
Everybody, please, please.
I'm sorry we only have cake, Darryl, and you can't just eat my butt.
Darryl, what do you have to say for yourself?
I'll tell you what I have to say...
It's all true, okay?
Yeah, I thought it all! Chef Roy, he got every dirty detail:
Busting in my pants, wishing I was jacking it,
wanting to eat Susan's butt!
Wait, he said you wanted to eat Dianne's butt, not Susan's.
Newsflash: It's both, baby.
[screaming]
Piece of shit!
Ohh! Such a piece of shit!
Well, I want to thank Chef Roy for sharing his delicious pink champagne cake with us.
Happy Valentine's Day from me-- celebrity chef Chef Roy.
[cheering and applauding]
[Michael] ♪ Oh, baby ♪
Okay, those baby-making numbers are coming along nicely,
but we need 75,000, so keep at it, everybody.
Do you want to disappoint Santa?
Okay, then get out there, find a woman and impregnate her.
Okay, love you, too, Dad. Okay, bye.
♪ When the night has come ♪
♪ And the land is dark ♪
♪ And the moon Is the only light we'll see ♪
"Stand by Me." What a tune.
Always makes me think of the important people in my life,
the ones I can depend on.
And nobody exemplifies that more than my own twin brother Michael Fulton.
-Hey. -Hey, bro.
Oh, man. I'm Michael's identical twin brother,
and we are exactly alike in every way.
Ain't that the truth.
And the thing about twin brothers is we've always got each other's... backs.
In other words...
[singing badly] ♪ No, I won't be afraid ♪
♪ Oh, I won't be afraid ♪
♪ As long ♪
♪ As you stand ♪
♪ Stand by me ♪
♪ Hey ♪
-Nice job, bro. -Thanks, Michael.
As you may have noticed, I'm not the best singer.
That happens with twins sometimes.
Certain talents go to one brother, and other talents go to the other brother.
And I guess you could say that Michael got the voice.
He also got the looks. He also got the physique.
And he also got the charisma.
He also got the normal amount of testicles.
Two, three, four...
♪ So, darling, darling ♪
♪ Stand by me ♪
♪ Oh, stand by me ♪
♪ Oh, stand, now ♪
♪ Stand by me ♪
-Uh, Mike? -Yeah, bro.
Uh... what do I have going for me?
I mean, I've just been racking my brain, and it just keeps coming up blank.
I mean, am I just a fuck-up?
Of course not. You're-- You're a great driver.
Oh, my God, you're right. I am a good driver.
I forgot. I'm not, like, a professional or anything.
I'm no racecar driver, but I'm pretty good when I'm driving my Scion.
Sure you are. You always keep your hands on the wheel.
I know. Ten and two, just like our parents taught us.
Yeah, rest in peace, both.
Two, three, four...
♪ So, darling, darling ♪
♪ Stand by me ♪
-♪ Oh, stand by me ♪ -♪ Oh, stand right beside me, hey ♪
-♪ Oh, stand, now ♪ -♪ Oh, stand, oh ♪
-♪ Stand bisexual me ♪ -♪ Stand by me ♪
I'd love to stick around and sing several more songs,
but I've got to go see a doctor about my strep throat.
It took me forever to find a guy that I actually like.
The rest were all foreigners and, like--
-Okay, off you go. -Can I borrow some money for a cab?
I wrecked my Scion. Yeah. Drunk driving.
-There you go. -Thank you.
♪ Bye, yeah ♪
My twin brother, everybody.
[cheering and applauding]
-[Michael] ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ -[bird screeches]
Our next guest feels at home in the classiest place to meet a lady:
a dance club.
Ladies and gentlemen, Baby Archer.
Aw, yeah! Thanks, MB.
Dancing is a great way to meet people, am I right?
But so often, I hear: "Baby Archer, I'm too dumb to dance."
You dumb motherfucker, anybody can dance,
even if you're dumb as shit!
[Auto-Tuned] ♪ Hey, you all, I got a new dance ♪
♪ It's called the Kupid Shufle Just give it a chance ♪
♪ Step, step, front, front Step, step, back, back ♪
♪ That's the first part Of the Kupid Shufle, Jack ♪
You know, a lot of people said there's already a Cupid Shuffle.
But guess what? I wrote this song in international waters.
I hopped on a goddamn boat
and evaded the IRS like I'm L. Ron Hubbard, okay?
And five, six, seven, eight...
♪ Okay, you all, we're almost there ♪
♪ Shufle part two Do it if you dare ♪
♪ Left, left, left, left Left, left, left, left ♪
♪ Left, left, left, left Left, left, left, left, left, left... ♪
Is he all right?
♪ Left, left, left, left Left, left ♪
♪ Left, left, left, left Left, left, left, left ♪
♪ And stand ♪
[music continues]
♪ And that's the second part Of the Kupid Shufle, man ♪
Whoever booked this guy is fired.
Bolton, get up here! Try it with me!
Get your beautiful black ass up here.
You handsome silver fox.
Mmm! You're like a heterosexual Anderson Cooper.
God damn. Now let me show you a cool-ass dance you can do.
♪ Feel your balls slap back and forth Michael Bolton ♪
♪ I smell your pheromones Coming out your pee-pee hole ♪
♪ I know you're excited Let's get the crowd ignited ♪
[Auto-Tuned vocalizing]
None of that was the Kupid Shufle. Get off my stage! Now! Leave!
Thanks, Michael. I want to thank everyone in Hollywood.
I want to thank show business in general. It's just great.
I love you. Have a good night. Happy Valentine's Day.
[makes fart noise]
Blow in her ear. That's good, yes.
Oh, I like that, too.
No, I'm sorry, ma'am, but for our purposes,
it really doesn't count if you do it in the butt.
I believe in two things: one, ghosts.
And two, that there's somebody out there for everyone.
For me, it's my Carmela.
[bird screeches]
[whispers] Carmela.
I'll never forget how we met, waiting in line
for the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction at Disneyland.
What started as a swashbuckling flume ride
designed to make even the most jaded thrill-seekers say, "Ahoy,"
became the starting point of our love.
And it's not just her body I adore.
I would be incredibly attracted to her even if she was just a mind,
a mind that didn't have arms or legs or skin
and just somehow floated around in a jar and communicated with me telepathically.
This is all just a fancy way of saying I'm gonna ask Carmela to marry me.
The love of my life will soon be my beloved wife.
♪ Marriage ♪
[cheering and applauding]
[vocalizing]
♪ This is the tale Of Captain Jack Sparrow ♪
♪ Pirate so brave On the seven seas ♪
♪ A mystical quest To the Isle of Tortuga ♪
♪ Raven locks sway On the ocean's breeze ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ From the day he was born He yearned for adventure ♪
♪ Old Captain Jack Giving them what for ♪
♪ He's the pauper of the surf The jester of Tortuga ♪
♪ But is Davy Jones' Locker What lies in store? ♪
♪ This is the tale Of the Disney Marauder ♪
♪ The true pirate lord The crustacean king ♪
♪ Dismissed as a fool And then hailed as a hero ♪
♪ Sir Captain Jack Lives on inside you and me ♪
♪ Literally ♪
[cheering and applauding]
[Michael] Okay, let's take a look at our board.
Wow! We just reached the 50,000 mark.
We do need 75,000, though.
We're so close. We need to keep going. If you need tips...
Hello? Wally's Mattress. Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
-[telephone rings] -Hang on. Hello? Wally's Mattress.
You want to return your mattress? Because of the lifetime guarantee?
[telephone ringing]
You ruined it during lovemaking?
Wait, hang on one second. Hello?
Of course you'll get a refund. It's a lifetime guarantee.
Hang on one second. Sorry, sir. Wally's Mattress.
You poked a hole in it? How is that even possible?
Wait, one second. Sorry. Wally's Mattress.
Ma'am, I'm sorry. I just want to know,
how is everyone breaking their mattresses having sex?
It doesn't make any sense.
I urge you all to take your lover to bed
and pound that mattress until there's nothing left.
Oh, my God. He's going to destroy us.
Pound that mattress.
I've got to stop him.
[Michael] Okay, let's get back to our show.
When it comes to singers with two first names,
you just can't beat Ray Charles.
I want to sing one of my favorite songs of his,
and while doing it, you know who I'll be thinking about.
Carmela, this one's for you, baby.
♪ I got a woman way over town ♪
♪ That's good to me ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, I got a woman Way over town ♪
♪ She's good to me ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ She gives me money When I'm in need ♪
♪ Oh, she's a kind of friend indeed ♪
♪ Yeah, I got a woman Way over town ♪
♪ She's good to me ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
[cell phone beeps]
Well, speak of the angel. It's Carmela.
"Michael, I'm sorry to do this over text...
but there's someone new in my life.
It's a man, and he's changed everything.
In fact, he's inside me right this very second.
I hope you understand.
Goodbye."
What?
[echoing thud]
What--
What is this?
Why would she tell me this?
There's someone inside her right now?
No!
[somber music playing]
♪ No ♪
[groaning]
I've got to get my shit together.
Coming to the show right now is my good friend Casey Wilson.
Hello, Michael. Great to see you.
Welcome to the show.
Well, it's Valentine's Day, my favorite day of the year.
What other day of the year do I get to read so many cards from admirers?
You know what I'm saying, Michael?
[somber music playing]
Oh.
Okay.
Anyway, let's take a look at this one from Molly.
She says, "Happy Valentine--"
♪ I could hardly believe it ♪
-♪ When I heard the news today ♪ -Michael?
♪ I had to come and get it straight From you ♪
Mike, you want to read some cards?
Mike?
♪ They said you were leaving ♪
♪ Someone swept your heart away ♪
Everything okay, buddy?
-♪ From the look upon your face ♪ -Mikey baby?
-♪ I see it's true ♪ -Michael B.?
♪ So, tell me all about it ♪
♪ Tell me about the plans You're making ♪
What is out that window?
♪ Oh, and tell me one thing more Before I go ♪
Mikey!
♪ Tell me, how am I supposed To live without you ♪
He's coming towards me. I think I'm gonna go.
♪ Now that I've been loving you So long ♪
♪ How am I supposed to live Without you? ♪
♪ And how am I supposed to carry on ♪
-[horses neigh] -[bird screeches]
♪ When all that I've been living for ♪
♪ Is gone? ♪
[sobbing]
I need more pictures of horses!
[sobbing]
What are you doing tomorrow?
Uh...
well, I might go shopping for an avocado tree.
-For a tree? -An avocado tree.
Why not just buy, like, five avocados?
Well, because if you have tree, I'll have 10,000 avocados.
If you had to estimate, how many avocados would you actually eat?
-I didn't go to school for math. -What did you go to school for?
Advertising.
[dramatic music playing]
[laughing, chattering]
Looks like I just found my way in.
-I have a forked tongue, like a snake. -Hey!
[muffled shouts]
-Son of a... -No! No! No!
[chuckling]
Yes.
Oh, I love you, too.
Love is a lie!
-[smack] -[gasping]
Pull yourself together. I know you're hurt.
But those numbers have stopped cold,
and the only way to bring them up is for you to go out there
and sing the most romantic song of all time.
"Nessun dorma."
"Nessun dorma," Puccini's most powerful, beautiful aria about love.
But it's too dangerous. Every time someone performs it on TV or in the movies,
someone's assassinated.
You know, like Mission: Impossible, Rogue Nation,
-The Sum of all Fears. -Those are just movies!
This is real life. So, do it!
You're right!
[cheering and applauding]
♪ Nessun dorma ♪
♪ Tu pure, o Principessa ♪
♪ Nella tua fredda stanza ♪
♪ Guardi le stelle ♪
♪ Che tremano d'amore ♪
♪ E di speranza ♪
♪ Dilegua, o notte ♪
♪ Tramontate, stelle ♪
[inhales and exhales deeply]
♪ Tramontate, stelle ♪
♪ All'alba vincerò ♪
♪ Vincerò ♪
[music crescendoes]
[aria ends]
Santa!
[men and women screaming]
[gasps]
[grunting]
Curse that damn song.
Don't you dare die on me, Santa.
Hey, Michael, you mustn't worry about me. I'll be fine.
Just caught one in the old bowl of jelly.
[grunting laughter]
Michael, you were...
always my favorite son.
I'm your son?!
What the fuck is going on?!
[heart monitor flatlines]
Michael, we have to do something! We're flatlining!
Oh, Michael, we lost one.
Only in your darkest hour shall your locks spring forth.
[gasps]
[Michael] I know what I must do.
Boltron...
♪ Grow ♪
[thunder crashing]
-[blowing horn] -[dramatic music playing]
[roars]
-[gasps] -Holy shit.
Peak '90s Bolton.
[whispers] The prophecy-- it has come to pass.
♪ When a man loves a woman ♪
[cheering and applauding]
♪ He can't keep his mind On nothing else ♪
♪ He'd trade the world For the good thing he's found ♪
[telephones ringing]
Uh-huh?
Oh, my God.
♪ If she's bad, he can't see it ♪
Listen to this.
♪ She can do no wrong ♪
♪ Turn his back on his best friend If he puts her down ♪
♪ Yes, when a man loves a woman ♪
♪ I know exactly how it feels ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby ♪
♪ Ba... ♪
[holding note]
He's doing it!
[rumbling, wind whistling]
[man] It's so close. I think we're gonna make it.
[coughs weakly]
[rumbling stops]
Did we make it?
Michael, you did all you could.
We just ran out of fertile women.
[whispers] I'm sorry, Michael.
[woman] I think you're forgetting someone.
Carmela. But what are you doing here? I thought you'd left me.
No!
Why would I leave the father of our new baby boy?
That's what your text meant?
There's a new man in your life and he's inside you?
Yes! I can think of no better way to phrase that.
[Carmela] Mwah!
[alarm ringing]
Holy shit, Michael! We did it!
[all cheering]
Whatever this is, we saved it!
Unbelievable!
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to kill Santa Claus.
I meant to kill you-- Michael Bolton.
[rumbling]
[grunts]
Ho ho... whoa!
Of course. The Santa Clause!
-What? -I don't understand any of this.
Tim Allen. Disney. 1994.
Wally killed Santa. Now he is Santa.
That's right. And, Michael, you've done it.
You've saved Christmas.
I'm so happy this happened.
[all cheering]
Rock on, Bolton.
[laughing]
All hail Lord Boltron, the king of Valentine's Day.
[cheering and applauding]
[laughing]
You're free to go.
[music playing]
Oh, hello. You just caught me looking at my little black book.
A lot of names and memories in this.
Yes. Carrie.
Oh. Rebecca.
Amelie. You're so sweet and innocent.
Princess Mononoke.
Unforgettable.
And, of course, The French Connection.
What a car chase.
Yes, this is my little black book of movies.
[clown horn blows]
Oh, boy! That sound can only mean one thing:
The Dancing Cupids!
[jazz music playing]
So fucking good.
This is my favorite part. Watch this part.
I actually had to talk to the execs about keeping them.
They were thinking of cutting them.
I said, "You cut them, you cut me, 'cause I'm gone."
[song ends]
[shoes squeaking]