1
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[piano playing]
2
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[vocalizing]
3
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[cell phone ringing]
4
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-Hello?
-Lord Boltron.
5
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Adam Scott, my best friend.
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Hey, I've got two words for you, bro:
Vegas, baby!
7
00:00:36,078 --> 00:00:37,538
Las Vegas.
8
00:00:37,621 --> 00:00:41,381
Strippers, shots,
Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.
9
00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:43,208
Sorry, Adam, no can do tonight.
10
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All righty, then... Reno, baby!
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Cheaper strippers, cheaper shots,
two Bubba Gumps.
12
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Not gonna happen, kemosabe.
13
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Okay, well, Bakersfield, baby?
Santa Fe? Cincinnati?
14
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-What's going on, bro?
-It's Valentine's Day.
15
00:00:57,975 --> 00:00:59,975
Man, what is it with you
and Valentine's Day?
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Why do you care so much
about this stupid holiday?
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"Why," you ask?
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[music playing]
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♪ There's something quite miraculous
About this time of year ♪
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♪ Playful lights in window shops
A special kind of cheer ♪
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♪ The neighbors have that certain glow
For everyone to see ♪
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♪ Just ten months till Christmas ♪
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♪ That's what Valentine's Day
Means to me ♪
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You down there!
What are you singing about?
25
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-Christmas, of course!
-Why? It's February!
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-Ha ha ha!
-Ah!
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♪ As winter slowly goes away
And out comes Mr. Sun ♪
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♪ It's such a nice reminder
To get our shopping done ♪
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♪ People say it's early
But I must disagree ♪
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♪ Just ten months till Christmas ♪
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♪ That's what Valentine's Day
Means to me ♪
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-Ho ho ho!
-Santa!
33
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Come here, you big bowl of jelly.
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Good to see you, my boy.
Michael, I need your help.
35
00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:06,962
Something got into the elves this year,
and they made way too many toys.
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-So, you want me to kill the elves.
-[man] He's got a gun!
37
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What? No! There's too many toys,
so we need more babies to give them to.
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Seventy-five thousand, to be exact.
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Well, what do you want me to do,
put out another sexy single?
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I fear that may not be enough.
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I need you to make
a Valentine's Day special,
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a production so sexy
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that people around the world
will be compelled to make love.
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And ten months from now,
there'll be 75,000 new babies,
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and Christmas will be saved!
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Thy will be done, Kris.
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[slapping]
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♪ So, I know what I must do
To make them copulate ♪
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♪ Just like 2,000 years ago
When Mary found her mate ♪
50
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♪ That special February night ♪
51
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♪ When they made lil' J.C. ♪
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♪ It was just ten months
Till Christmas ♪
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♪ That's what Valentine's Day ♪
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♪ Means to me ♪
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[woman] It's Michael Bolton's
Big, Sexy Valentine's Day Special.
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00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,867
With special guests:
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00:03:18,949 --> 00:03:20,869
Maya Rudolph,
58
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Kenny G,
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Misty & Blair,
60
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Casey Wilson,
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chocolatier Peter Salanz,
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Michael Fulton,
63
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celebrity chef Chef Roy,
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Baby Archer,
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virtual reality expert Dr. Vince Harbert
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and Santa Claus.
67
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And now here's your host,
Michael Bolton.
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♪ Cupid, draw back your bow ♪
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♪ And let your arrow go ♪
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♪ Straight to my lover's heart for me ♪
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♪ Me ♪
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Hey, there. I'm Michael Bolton.
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00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,866
I've sold more than 75 million records
74
00:04:06,955 --> 00:04:09,415
and topped the charts
with nine number-one singles.
75
00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:10,629
But more importantly,
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I'm the undisputed king
of Valentine's Day.
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♪ Nobody but me ♪
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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Thank you. Now let me show you
where tonight's magic is gonna happen.
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It's a little area of the set I like
to call the "Love Nest."
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00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:32,975
Ah, yes. This is to my liking.
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Designed by clinically insane
Swedish architects
83
00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:38,243
to encourage optimal lovemaking.
84
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:42,030
Slipper satin couch which comfortably
seats up to four participants.
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♪ Snuggle ♪
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A well-stoked fire,
87
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the lights of which will illuminate
the sweat upon our writhing bodies.
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♪ Oh, sweaty, sweaty me ♪
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A carcass of a dead animal,
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as a sober reminder of the fact
we're still alive.
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♪ Hell yeah ♪
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Let's take it somewhere
a touch more private, if you don't mind.
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Ah, the boudoir.
I love art, especially the naked stuff.
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It makes me think of... sex.
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I did that one myself at age nine.
It still turns me on.
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I hope you'll feel comfortable here.
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Remember:
Nothing's off limits in the Love Nest.
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Except that room. That's the man cave.
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That's for me and the boys to bro out.
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It's got a mini-fridge
and a kick-ass poster of a Lamborghini.
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It's really cool.
But like I said, off limits!
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We'll be keeping track of how many babies
are conceived tonight on our board.
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We need your help to meet our goal
of 75,000 new babies
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by the end of the show,
105
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or Christmas will be ruined.
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Our operators are standing by
to take your calls.
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Tell them about
your lovemaking experiences
108
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or just ask them for tips.
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If you want to have a guaranteed baby,
tell the guy you're on the pill.
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I'm glad to hear you just made love.
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[ding]
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You did it! Congratulations! Yes!
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[Michael Bolton] Meanwhile, all night,
our special guests
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will be bringing down the house
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with performances guaranteed
to get you in the mood.
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Oh, you're a polygamist? Oh...
We can count on you for three?
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Ha ha!
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We've got three!
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And now, to kick things off,
a lovely song from a happy couple--
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legendary duo Misty & Blair.
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Thank you, Michael.
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You know, Misty and I are so happy
to be here to celebrate love
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and to celebrate
our 20th wedding anniversary.
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How do we do it?
I think you lovers out there can attest--
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sometimes it takes a little compromise.
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[music playing]
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-♪ I say it's red ♪
-♪ I'm seeing blue ♪
128
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♪ Call it purple
That's just what we'll do ♪
129
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♪ Guess that's what makes us
The happy couple ♪
130
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-♪ Get in a fight ♪
-♪ We both think we're right ♪
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♪ Let's say we're both wrong
And go out for a bite ♪
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♪ Guess that's what makes us
The happy couple ♪
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-♪ I like to choke ♪
-♪ I like to gag ♪
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♪ Old missionary just ain't our bag ♪
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♪ Guess that's what makes us
The happy couple ♪
136
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-♪ I'll shave your pubes ♪
-♪ And I'll shave your pubes ♪
137
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:24,277
♪ Lay down on our pubes
And have a rough screw ♪
138
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♪ Guess that's what makes us
The happy couple ♪
139
00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:32,828
-♪ I like Michael's hair ♪
-♪ I like his bum ♪
140
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♪ Take a big bite
Of that nice, juicy plum ♪
141
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♪ Guess that's what makes us
The happy couple ♪
142
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:43,087
-Leave me out of this.
-♪ You're a Jewish ♪
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00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,011
♪ You're a Korean ♪
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♪ Open your butt
'Cause I'd like to see in ♪
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♪ Guess that's what makes us
The happy couple ♪
146
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-♪ I'll smoke a doob ♪
-♪ And I'll grab your boob ♪
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00:07:56,768 --> 00:08:00,108
♪ Then I'll sniff like a dog
Through your meadow of pubes ♪
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♪ Guess that's what makes us
The happy couple ♪
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00:08:03,942 --> 00:08:05,612
You've sung about pubes twice!
150
00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:08,914
♪ This is the locket
Where I keep his pubes ♪
151
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,319
♪ And this pocket where-- ♪
152
00:08:10,407 --> 00:08:12,617
Hey! Hey! Stop it!
You started out so sweet,
153
00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:14,951
and now you're downright perverse.
154
00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:16,746
Excuse me? I beg to differ.
155
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,960
No, we were perverse
from the very beginning.
156
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,420
Yeah, that "red or blue" thing
was actually a debate
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00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,841
about the color of our privates
by the end of the night.
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00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,510
And the "little fight
before going out for a bite,"
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00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:28,679
that was about whether
to buy a bigger butt plug.
160
00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:30,088
And I still think we need it.
161
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Oh, you would just love that,
wouldn't you?
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00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:36,807
-All right, get out of here!
-My asshole is lonely.
163
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:43,364
[Michael]
Now let's check in with our board.
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You're having trouble conceiving?
Oh, I see.
165
00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:51,605
You're having trouble conceiving
the premise of this telethon.
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00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:56,789
I hope you're having a sexy time
snuggled up with your special someone.
167
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,830
Go ahead,
give them a little kiss right now.
168
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:00,083
I'll wait.
169
00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:01,665
That's nice.
170
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:04,840
Now what you want to do
is take your fingers and just put--
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[saxophone playing]
172
00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:08,922
What is that sound?
173
00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:10,927
[saxophone continues]
174
00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:12,469
It couldn't be.
175
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:14,513
Bolton.
176
00:09:15,472 --> 00:09:16,472
Kenny G.
177
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Surprised to see me?
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00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:19,635
[plays notes]
179
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:21,976
Not as surprised as I am
to see you still haven't cut your hair.
180
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,942
And I, in turn,
am surprised that you have.
181
00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:28,943
For in our locks lies the strength
of Samson.
182
00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:32,237
You were once a brave warrior
in the tribe of Long Locksmen,
183
00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:34,072
which is a thing!
184
00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:36,367
[plays notes]
185
00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:39,001
That was a long time ago.
I have forsaken that life.
186
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,869
I'm a Short-hair now.
187
00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:44,785
You and so many others. Meat Loaf.
188
00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:45,876
[plays single note]
189
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,000
Billy Ray Cyrus.
190
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,087
[plays single note]
191
00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:49,921
All four dudes in Metallica.
192
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:51,756
[plays four notes]
193
00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:55,101
Yanni hanging on by a fucking thread!
194
00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:56,848
[plays three notes]
195
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,890
I'm doing a toot
for each one of the dudes.
196
00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:00,233
Yeah, I got that.
197
00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:01,808
You betrayed your true nature,
198
00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:05,903
and for that, I shall destroy you.
199
00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:07,690
Fine. Let's do this.
200
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:11,534
Whoa! Chill! I meant with music, man.
What is with you and the guns?
201
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:12,611
What gun?
202
00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:14,565
-[gunshot]
-[cat yowls]
203
00:10:14,656 --> 00:10:16,946
I'm sorry. Can we stop?
You just killed a cat.
204
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,543
I don't think so.
205
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,448
No, you threw your gun,
then we heard a bang,
206
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,707
-and then a cat screamed.
-No, you're mistaken.
207
00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:25,039
I can see cat blood all over the wall!
208
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,415
That was there before.
209
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:29,671
The wall covered
in cat blood was there before?
210
00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:31,344
Can I help you with something, Kenny?
211
00:10:31,422 --> 00:10:34,342
Prepare yourself for the Duel of Kings.
212
00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:39,885
May all mortals rejoice as we regale them
with the music of the gods.
213
00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,183
[inhales deeply]
214
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:45,476
[playing "Dueling Banjos"]
215
00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:49,322
[vocalizing "Dueling Banjos"]
216
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:52,855
[continues playing]
217
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:56,485
Not bad for a horn man.
218
00:10:56,573 --> 00:11:00,703
[continues vocalizing]
219
00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:02,195
[grunts]
220
00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:04,867
[continues playing]
221
00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:09,496
[continues vocalizing]
222
00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:11,206
[inhales deeply]
223
00:11:11,296 --> 00:11:14,716
[both continue playing and vocalizing]
224
00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:37,280
Well, isn't that funny?
225
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:41,413
What started as a duel ended
in a chill jam sesh.
226
00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:42,622
They always do.
227
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:44,122
I'll take my leave of you.
228
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:47,753
But remember always the word
of the Locksmen Prophecy:
229
00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:52,592
"Only in your darkest hour
shall your locks spring forth."
230
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,800
Cool. Well, see you later, Kenny.
231
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:55,881
Okay!
232
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,014
Assholes.
233
00:12:03,097 --> 00:12:04,387
[cheering and applauding]
234
00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:15,822
If you're looking for the perfect gift
for your true love,
235
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:18,862
look no further than Custom Chocolatiers.
236
00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:22,947
I paid a visit to their workshop
in Solvang for a sneak-peek.
237
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,293
[Peter Salanz]
Custom Chocolatiers is a special place.
238
00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:27,961
People like things personalized,
239
00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:30,879
tailored to their own specific tastes.
We can do that.
240
00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:33,039
We do do that.
241
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:34,667
Why don't you tell me
a little bit about your girlfriend,
242
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:38,264
and I'll use that information
to design the perfect assortment?
243
00:12:38,341 --> 00:12:43,101
Well, let's see. She's a bold woman.
She's very strong, very passionate.
244
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,809
She's refined. She sort of enjoys
the finer things in life.
245
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:46,890
Oh.
246
00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:49,805
But she's not afraid to have a little fun.
She's worldly.
247
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:55,114
Worldly? Does your lady like nougat?
248
00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:56,731
Hmm. I'm not sure.
249
00:12:57,944 --> 00:12:58,994
All right.
250
00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:01,490
We've got these candies.
You've seen these before.
251
00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,872
You can inscribe whatever you want.
We custom-make these.
252
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:07,080
You can do:
"Hey, sweetie, I love your style,"
253
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:09,661
"Ooh, mama, you're really
turning me on over here,"
254
00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:13,077
"Yo, hit me up online,
I'll shoot you an email sometime, honey."
255
00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:18,087
Every example I've given is too big to fit
on a little candy like this,
256
00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:19,672
so maybe just use what we have already.
257
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:22,177
[man] I think sometimes she puts on
a tough exterior,
258
00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:25,470
but I know that inside
she's got a soft center.
259
00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:28,765
-Does she like toffee?
-I don't think so.
260
00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:33,060
She's sweet, but she's kind of got
a dark sense of humor, dry.
261
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,686
You've got to give me something
to work with.
262
00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:37,482
I'm looking at my kit.
I've got walnut, coconut cream.
263
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,237
I've got some cherry cordials.
264
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:40,529
Well, she's very cordial.
265
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,490
You know, why don't we do this?
Let's just do 12 plains.
266
00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:46,284
Oh, okay.
267
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:49,037
When you present this to her,
there's different ways you can do it.
268
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:53,710
Okay? You could do sort of 1920s,
like, sort of little boy, like...
269
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,037
[high-pitched gibberish]
270
00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:58,127
You know,
just make it seem bigger than you.
271
00:13:58,212 --> 00:13:59,632
[high-pitched] Here you go.
272
00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:01,474
You could a tough-guy version.
273
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:03,589
Eat that! There's chocolate in there!
274
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,640
There's also magic, which is, like--
275
00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:08,511
It's floating like this,
276
00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:11,268
and in CGI, you can just take--
this can all come out.
277
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:14,980
First, get this as a still,
and then it floats.
278
00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:18,363
So, you're just kind of, like,
"Hey, sweetie. Happy Valentine's Day."
279
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:22,857
-Okay.
-Another service we have here is,
280
00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:25,155
if you got a box of chocolates
from someplace else
281
00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:27,329
and it's all jumbled up,
you don't know what's inside,
282
00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:29,448
we have an ultrasound machine.
283
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:31,655
So, bring it in,
284
00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:35,666
and I will be able to identify it for you.
285
00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:37,710
And this one is...
286
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:40,460
plain.
287
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:42,844
All right, that's everything.
288
00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:45,554
I'd like to offer you a complimentary
chocolate water.
289
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:47,845
-Oh.
-And we're all set here.
290
00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:50,389
So, that is 12 plains.
291
00:14:51,349 --> 00:14:53,809
-Oh, it's all melted.
-Oh.
292
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,523
[Peter] Many people don't realize
that this customization
293
00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:58,984
makes it a lot harder
on the manufacturer.
294
00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:01,025
So, even though
it's Custom Chocolatiers,
295
00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:04,529
we strongly suggest that you choose one
of our standard options.
296
00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:06,452
It makes it much better
for the both of us.
297
00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:10,366
[Michael] And that's the story
of Custom Chocolatiers.
298
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,245
Why did I go all the way to Solvang?
299
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,920
They didn't even cut to me once
during the entire video.
300
00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:18,579
[cheering and applauding]
301
00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:23,127
Isn't tonight fantastic?
302
00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:26,344
Looks like a lot of you are making babies
out there, which is great.
303
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:27,926
But don't stop now.
304
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,390
-You know, I was just thinking how--
-Hey, Bolton!
305
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,064
This show fucking blows, man!
306
00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:37,941
Hmm. It seems as though a group
of punks have infiltrated our studio.
307
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:41,320
-So, you don't like my show, huh?
-Yeah. It sucks ass!
308
00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:43,989
-I guess you think it's kind of hokey.
-No duh!
309
00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:46,278
-Perhaps even a little uncool?
-Shit yeah!
310
00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:48,912
Well, I think I have something
a bit more up your alley.
311
00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:50,070
Hit it!
312
00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:52,368
[rock music playing]
313
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:55,712
♪ Just take those old records
Off the shelf ♪
314
00:15:56,414 --> 00:15:59,504
♪ I'll sit and listen to them
By myself ♪
315
00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:03,711
♪ Today's music ain't got
The same soul ♪
316
00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:07,256
♪ I like that old time rock and roll ♪
317
00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:10,969
♪ Don't try and take me to a disco ♪
318
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,811
♪ You'll never even get me out
On the floor ♪
319
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:19,231
♪ In ten minutes
I'll be late for the door ♪
320
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:23,189
♪ I like that old time rock and roll ♪
321
00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:27,364
♪ Still like that old time
Rock and roll ♪
322
00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:29,355
♪ That kind of music
Just soothes the soul ♪
323
00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:30,777
He's not even gonna drink it!
324
00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:34,445
♪ I reminisce about the days of old ♪
325
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:38,495
♪ With that old time rock and roll ♪
326
00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:40,878
[vocalizing]
327
00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:43,088
[electric guitar solo]
328
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:47,880
[playing saxophone solo]
329
00:16:51,969 --> 00:16:54,969
-No, you've got to hit that spin, Michael.
-I'm trying.
330
00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:57,726
You're not trying hard enough.
Do it again from the top.
331
00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:59,098
Five, six, seven, eight...
332
00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:00,845
[classical music playing]
333
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:03,517
You've got to hit that!
Don't fucking mess with me!
334
00:17:03,606 --> 00:17:07,186
You get this spin
like your life depends on it!
335
00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:08,486
Five, six, seven, eight...
336
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:11,409
No. You lean in, then you point.
337
00:17:11,489 --> 00:17:14,739
-Point, then lean in?
-No! Lean, then point.
338
00:17:14,825 --> 00:17:16,735
Think of those fucking punks out there
339
00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:19,327
and make them scared
of real rock and roll!
340
00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:22,633
Don't touch the piano!
What are you, fucking crazy?!
341
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:25,628
You tease it. You tease it.
You don't press the keys.
342
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:29,631
Make those punks fear you!
Give it to me! Give it to me!
343
00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:32,885
And when they come for you--
and believe me, they will come for you--
344
00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:38,849
this performance will be the only thing
to prove that Michael Bolton is cool!
345
00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:41,893
How do you actually know
the punks will show up?
346
00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:45,058
Oh, they'll show up.
They always show up.
347
00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:49,897
Pick up the milkshake, take two steps,
put down the milkshake. Do not drink it.
348
00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:53,156
Stop! You've only got four weeks, people!
349
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:54,569
[chair clatters]
350
00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:57,907
And then we step across and we see
there's a second guitar photo.
351
00:17:57,994 --> 00:18:00,754
-Why?
-To fuck with their heads.
352
00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:06,000
After much consideration, I have decided
that the dancing musical note
353
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,835
will be played by...
354
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,258
Alan.
355
00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:13,049
Oh!
356
00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:14,434
[cheering and applauding]
357
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:17,100
It just seems like there's
such a small chance of punks barging in.
358
00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:18,929
There's still a chance!
359
00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:21,135
You have one more time,
one more go at this.
360
00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:23,135
Five, six, seven, eight...
361
00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:27,441
♪ Still like that old time
Rock and roll ♪
362
00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:31,066
♪ That kind of music
Just soothes my soul ♪
363
00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:35,449
♪ I reminisce about the days of old ♪
364
00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:39,292
♪ With that old time rock and roll ♪
365
00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:43,540
[vocalizing]
366
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:44,623
[song ends]
367
00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:46,787
So, what do you punks have to say now?
368
00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:50,496
That... was... badass!
369
00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:51,918
That's what I thought.
370
00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:53,796
[song resumes]
371
00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:57,013
[playing saxophone solo]
372
00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:02,725
[song ends, applause]
373
00:19:07,271 --> 00:19:10,731
Oh, Romeo, my man, I like your style.
374
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:14,491
And now, here to tell us
about the future of romance,
375
00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:18,280
virtual reality expert Dr. Vince Harbert.
376
00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:19,446
Thank you, Michael.
377
00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:23,453
Yes, my team and I design
virtual erotic simulations,
378
00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:25,287
and I brought one
for you to try right now.
379
00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:27,423
-Jack me in, Doc.
-All right.
380
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:28,830
Let's get this on you.
381
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:31,916
All right.
382
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,054
[beeping and whirring]
383
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:34,970
[Michael]
Wow. This is incredible.
384
00:19:35,049 --> 00:19:37,219
[Vince Harbert]
And it only gets better. Watch.
385
00:19:38,844 --> 00:19:42,064
[Michael]
Oh, mama. What have we here?
386
00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:45,638
-Hello.
-I've been waiting for you.
387
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:48,056
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
388
00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:51,018
-Wait, what?
-Don't forget your pill.
389
00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:53,977
-My pill?
-She means your Cialis.
390
00:19:54,068 --> 00:19:56,148
I have to take Cialis in virtual reality?
391
00:19:56,237 --> 00:20:00,367
Yes. We found it was beneficial to add
some real-world obstacles into the VR.
392
00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:03,789
It makes the simulation more immersive
and, well, sexy.
393
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:06,709
Okay. Hmm. Where are they?
394
00:20:07,456 --> 00:20:08,996
Maybe I'll try these drawers.
395
00:20:10,126 --> 00:20:11,456
Let's find those pills.
396
00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:14,963
Hurry, baby. I want you so badly.
397
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,797
[Michael] I am hurrying. Come on.
398
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:20,928
Oh, got 'em.
399
00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:25,063
All right, there they are.
400
00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:30,267
-What? Empty?
-You need to get a refill at the pharmacy.
401
00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:33,274
-I have to refill the prescription?
-Yep. And...
402
00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:34,357
[beeping and whirring]
403
00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:39,072
-[Vince] Here we are.
-Okay, it looks pretty normal. Oh, wow.
404
00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:40,945
Why, hello, Mr. Bolton.
405
00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:44,241
-Well, this is an interesting turn.
-It certainly is.
406
00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:45,746
I'll get your prescription.
407
00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:51,711
Okay.
408
00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:55,126
Thank you very much.
409
00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:57,092
-What?
-$22.50.
410
00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:59,763
All right, now you have to pay.
Get out your wallet
411
00:20:59,842 --> 00:21:01,552
and swipe your debit card.
412
00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:05,182
[Michael]
Are you kidding me? Declined?
413
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:06,774
Give me a break.
414
00:21:06,849 --> 00:21:09,639
-Well, maybe try a different card.
-I only have the one.
415
00:21:09,727 --> 00:21:11,687
Okay, why don't you just pay cash?
416
00:21:13,689 --> 00:21:15,729
[Vince] Great! You've got your Cialis.
417
00:21:15,816 --> 00:21:17,856
Let's head out into the parking lot.
Get in your car.
418
00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:20,323
Start the engine. Back out slowly.
419
00:21:20,404 --> 00:21:23,034
-Oops! You spilled coffee on you!
-Oh, God!
420
00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:26,155
Pull out of the parking lot,
and we're gonna get on the expressway.
421
00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:28,663
And now you're home.
422
00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:32,208
[Michael]
Finally. Let's get this party started.
423
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:36,171
I missed you.
Come here and give it to me, big boy.
424
00:21:37,087 --> 00:21:39,547
Your wish is my command.
425
00:21:40,216 --> 00:21:41,216
[moans]
426
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,800
Hey! Hands off my wife,
you son of a bitch!
427
00:21:43,886 --> 00:21:46,256
[Michael] What the-- ow! Ow!
428
00:21:48,224 --> 00:21:49,854
What the hell are you doing?
429
00:21:49,934 --> 00:21:52,774
I'm sorry, Michael, but that's my wife
that I put into the simulation,
430
00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:54,483
and I'm not just gonna sit here
431
00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:56,903
and let myself get cucked
by the likes of you!
432
00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:58,112
[grunting]
433
00:21:58,859 --> 00:21:59,859
Get him!
434
00:21:59,944 --> 00:22:01,284
Ow!
435
00:22:01,362 --> 00:22:03,282
Oh! Yes!
436
00:22:03,364 --> 00:22:04,494
Ow!
437
00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:08,913
Oh, baby, it is so hot watching you
beat up Michael Bolton.
438
00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:15,286
All right.
439
00:22:15,376 --> 00:22:17,126
[moaning]
440
00:22:17,211 --> 00:22:18,211
Yeah.
441
00:22:18,295 --> 00:22:20,295
I'm just gonna leave you to it.
442
00:22:20,381 --> 00:22:22,221
[moaning continues]
443
00:22:26,428 --> 00:22:28,138
Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby!
444
00:22:28,222 --> 00:22:29,352
[groans]
445
00:22:29,431 --> 00:22:31,101
[cheering and applauding]
446
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:35,403
Have you tried saying things to each other
that are not trite and mundane?
447
00:22:35,479 --> 00:22:37,979
You know,
perhaps thinking outside the bun.
448
00:22:38,065 --> 00:22:39,815
No, I made that payment last week.
449
00:22:40,526 --> 00:22:42,396
No, I gave-- how'd you find me?
450
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:44,320
Ladies and gentlemen...
451
00:22:44,405 --> 00:22:47,155
♪ Maya Rudolph ♪
452
00:22:47,241 --> 00:22:49,411
Music is the language of love, y'all,
453
00:22:49,493 --> 00:22:51,833
and sometimes the right tune
is all you need
454
00:22:51,912 --> 00:22:54,462
to get you dancing and romancing.
455
00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:59,924
♪ The night is a bore
There's no love on the floor ♪
456
00:23:00,004 --> 00:23:04,434
♪ Even booze can't do the trick
You need to give the song a kick ♪
457
00:23:04,508 --> 00:23:08,298
♪ And so ♪
458
00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:09,427
[key changes]
459
00:23:09,513 --> 00:23:12,683
♪ You're gonna want to do
A key change, baby ♪
460
00:23:12,766 --> 00:23:17,056
♪ Shit is getting steamy now
'Cause the key change, baby ♪
461
00:23:17,146 --> 00:23:22,226
♪ Motherfuckers getting creamy
'Cause of the key change, baby ♪
462
00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:24,448
But why stop there? Yeah.
463
00:23:24,528 --> 00:23:25,528
[key changing]
464
00:23:25,613 --> 00:23:28,573
♪ Let's give it a key change, baby ♪
465
00:23:28,657 --> 00:23:32,997
♪ So hot now I'm about to pop
With the key change, baby ♪
466
00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:37,628
♪ Skeet, skeet, skeet, Scooby-Dooby-Doo
With the key change, baby ♪
467
00:23:37,708 --> 00:23:42,208
♪ If your house got robbed, you really
Should get a key change, baby ♪
468
00:23:42,296 --> 00:23:46,756
♪ When Michael Jordan puts on new shoes
That's a Nike change, baby ♪
469
00:23:46,842 --> 00:23:51,222
♪ Going from green to chamomile
That's a tea change, baby ♪
470
00:23:51,305 --> 00:23:53,925
♪ I said "tea," not "key"
I tricked you, suckers ♪
471
00:23:54,016 --> 00:23:57,936
♪ Key change, baby ♪
472
00:23:58,437 --> 00:23:59,517
♪ Key change, baby ♪
473
00:23:59,605 --> 00:24:00,605
[key changing higher]
474
00:24:00,689 --> 00:24:02,819
♪ Key change, baby ♪
475
00:24:02,900 --> 00:24:06,240
♪ Key change, key change, key change ♪
476
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,820
♪ Key change, key change, key change ♪
477
00:24:09,907 --> 00:24:12,407
♪ Key change, key change ♪
478
00:24:12,493 --> 00:24:14,663
[holding high note]
479
00:24:16,789 --> 00:24:18,749
♪ Key change, baby ♪
480
00:24:18,832 --> 00:24:20,922
♪ You can also go to a lower key ♪
481
00:24:21,001 --> 00:24:23,921
♪ It's a key change, baby ♪
482
00:24:24,004 --> 00:24:28,764
♪ And that's the story
Of the key change, baby ♪
483
00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:32,182
[vocalizing in descending keys]
484
00:24:34,473 --> 00:24:36,233
[vocalizing in very low register]
485
00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:41,150
[cheering and applauding]
486
00:24:42,356 --> 00:24:45,146
[Michael]
♪ Don't get caught in the fire ♪
487
00:24:46,652 --> 00:24:48,862
I, for one, have worked up an appetite.
488
00:24:48,946 --> 00:24:52,026
Please welcome celebrity chef
Chef Roy.
489
00:24:52,116 --> 00:24:55,156
-What have you got for us?
-Well, Mike, I'll give you a hint,
490
00:24:55,244 --> 00:24:56,704
and it rhymes with "bake."
491
00:24:56,787 --> 00:24:59,367
I'm talking cake.
492
00:24:59,456 --> 00:25:03,536
I have a brand-new line
of Chef Roy's Bakery Delights
493
00:25:03,627 --> 00:25:04,957
available at your local grocer,
494
00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:11,085
including this limited-edition
Valentine's Day pink champagne cake.
495
00:25:11,176 --> 00:25:14,756
Well, we've got a few lucky volunteers
to help us give this thing a taste.
496
00:25:14,847 --> 00:25:18,427
Come on out, guys.
Dianne, Ben, Susan, Darryl.
497
00:25:18,517 --> 00:25:19,727
Let's dig in, gang.
498
00:25:19,810 --> 00:25:22,230
-Get in there.
-All right.
499
00:25:22,312 --> 00:25:24,652
Wow, Roy,
you have really outdone yourself.
500
00:25:24,732 --> 00:25:25,982
Mmm. That's good.
501
00:25:26,066 --> 00:25:32,156
Ah, look at Susan. She's going,
"Um, can every day be Valentine's Day?"
502
00:25:32,239 --> 00:25:34,369
[laughing]
503
00:25:34,450 --> 00:25:36,540
-I am like that. I am.
-And look at Ben.
504
00:25:36,618 --> 00:25:40,828
Ben's going, "Cake?
Uh, yeah, I don't mind if I do."
505
00:25:40,914 --> 00:25:42,294
I've been nailed.
506
00:25:43,167 --> 00:25:47,587
Oh! Look at Dianne. She's all, like,
"I guess today's my cheat day."
507
00:25:48,630 --> 00:25:49,760
Good one.
508
00:25:50,507 --> 00:25:55,927
Oh, look at Darryl. He's going, "Cake?
I think I just busted a nut in my pants!"
509
00:25:56,013 --> 00:25:57,013
[laughing]
510
00:25:57,097 --> 00:25:58,517
Yeah.
511
00:25:58,599 --> 00:25:59,889
What?
512
00:25:59,975 --> 00:26:02,635
Even Michael's going,
"Hey, if there's gonna be cake,
513
00:26:02,728 --> 00:26:04,648
I'm gonna do more holiday specials."
514
00:26:04,730 --> 00:26:05,900
That's true.
515
00:26:06,690 --> 00:26:08,610
Dianne. Look at her. Look at Dianne.
516
00:26:08,692 --> 00:26:11,322
She's going,
"Well, I guess I'm off my diet today."
517
00:26:11,403 --> 00:26:13,283
I guess so.
518
00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:17,833
Look at Darryl. He's going,
"And I pretty much just shot in my pants.
519
00:26:17,910 --> 00:26:18,950
Not joking."
520
00:26:19,745 --> 00:26:21,205
No, I'm not like that.
521
00:26:21,288 --> 00:26:25,498
Ben! Ben's all, "Me Tarzan. You cake."
522
00:26:25,584 --> 00:26:26,964
[laughing]
523
00:26:27,044 --> 00:26:28,844
Look at Darryl. He's going,
"Cake's good and all,
524
00:26:28,921 --> 00:26:31,011
but I'd rather be jacking it!"
525
00:26:31,089 --> 00:26:33,259
Darryl, please, that's not appropriate.
526
00:26:33,342 --> 00:26:36,012
-I didn't say that.
-You were thinking it.
527
00:26:36,094 --> 00:26:38,764
Susan's going,
"Okay, that just got weird!"
528
00:26:38,847 --> 00:26:42,727
Michael's going,
"Hey, I didn't sign on for this!"
529
00:26:42,810 --> 00:26:43,850
I really didn't.
530
00:26:43,936 --> 00:26:46,856
And look at Darryl.
He's going, "Cake's good and all,
531
00:26:46,939 --> 00:26:48,899
but I'd rather eat Dianne's butt!"
532
00:26:48,982 --> 00:26:51,282
-Darryl!
-What the hell, man?
533
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:52,740
Everybody, please, please.
534
00:26:52,820 --> 00:26:55,410
I'm sorry we only have cake, Darryl,
and you can't just eat my butt.
535
00:26:55,489 --> 00:26:57,569
Darryl, what do you have to say
for yourself?
536
00:26:57,658 --> 00:26:59,078
I'll tell you what I have to say...
537
00:27:00,118 --> 00:27:01,948
It's all true, okay?
538
00:27:02,037 --> 00:27:07,377
Yeah, I thought it all!
Chef Roy, he got every dirty detail:
539
00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:10,459
Busting in my pants,
wishing I was jacking it,
540
00:27:10,546 --> 00:27:12,706
wanting to eat Susan's butt!
541
00:27:12,798 --> 00:27:15,508
Wait, he said you wanted to eat
Dianne's butt, not Susan's.
542
00:27:15,592 --> 00:27:18,892
Newsflash: It's both, baby.
543
00:27:18,971 --> 00:27:20,181
[screaming]
544
00:27:20,264 --> 00:27:21,394
Piece of shit!
545
00:27:21,473 --> 00:27:24,853
Ohh! Such a piece of shit!
546
00:27:24,935 --> 00:27:29,435
Well, I want to thank Chef Roy for sharing
his delicious pink champagne cake with us.
547
00:27:29,523 --> 00:27:34,073
Happy Valentine's Day from me--
celebrity chef Chef Roy.
548
00:27:34,152 --> 00:27:35,492
[cheering and applauding]
549
00:27:36,488 --> 00:27:39,578
[Michael] ♪ Oh, baby ♪
550
00:27:39,658 --> 00:27:43,118
Okay, those baby-making numbers
are coming along nicely,
551
00:27:43,203 --> 00:27:46,503
but we need 75,000,
so keep at it, everybody.
552
00:27:46,582 --> 00:27:48,382
Do you want to disappoint Santa?
553
00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:53,844
Okay, then get out there,
find a woman and impregnate her.
554
00:27:54,756 --> 00:27:57,376
Okay, love you, too, Dad. Okay, bye.
555
00:27:59,469 --> 00:28:03,519
♪ When the night has come ♪
556
00:28:04,850 --> 00:28:07,140
♪ And the land is dark ♪
557
00:28:07,686 --> 00:28:13,566
♪ And the moon
Is the only light we'll see ♪
558
00:28:14,526 --> 00:28:17,026
"Stand by Me." What a tune.
559
00:28:17,112 --> 00:28:20,322
Always makes me think
of the important people in my life,
560
00:28:20,407 --> 00:28:22,367
the ones I can depend on.
561
00:28:22,451 --> 00:28:27,161
And nobody exemplifies that more
than my own twin brother Michael Fulton.
562
00:28:27,247 --> 00:28:29,367
-Hey.
-Hey, bro.
563
00:28:30,334 --> 00:28:33,384
Oh, man.
I'm Michael's identical twin brother,
564
00:28:33,462 --> 00:28:35,462
and we are exactly alike in every way.
565
00:28:35,547 --> 00:28:36,917
Ain't that the truth.
566
00:28:37,007 --> 00:28:41,347
And the thing about twin brothers
is we've always got each other's... backs.
567
00:28:41,428 --> 00:28:42,468
In other words...
568
00:28:42,554 --> 00:28:45,894
[singing badly]
♪ No, I won't be afraid ♪
569
00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:50,234
♪ Oh, I won't be afraid ♪
570
00:28:50,312 --> 00:28:52,362
♪ As long ♪
571
00:28:52,439 --> 00:28:54,069
♪ As you stand ♪
572
00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:57,359
♪ Stand by me ♪
573
00:28:57,444 --> 00:28:58,454
♪ Hey ♪
574
00:28:58,528 --> 00:29:00,858
-Nice job, bro.
-Thanks, Michael.
575
00:29:00,948 --> 00:29:03,158
As you may have noticed,
I'm not the best singer.
576
00:29:03,242 --> 00:29:04,912
That happens with twins sometimes.
577
00:29:04,993 --> 00:29:08,213
Certain talents go to one brother,
and other talents go to the other brother.
578
00:29:08,288 --> 00:29:11,828
And I guess you could say
that Michael got the voice.
579
00:29:11,917 --> 00:29:15,167
He also got the looks.
He also got the physique.
580
00:29:15,254 --> 00:29:17,264
And he also got the charisma.
581
00:29:17,339 --> 00:29:19,469
He also got the normal amount
of testicles.
582
00:29:19,549 --> 00:29:21,129
Two, three, four...
583
00:29:21,218 --> 00:29:23,008
♪ So, darling, darling ♪
584
00:29:23,095 --> 00:29:26,385
♪ Stand by me ♪
585
00:29:26,473 --> 00:29:30,393
♪ Oh, stand by me ♪
586
00:29:30,477 --> 00:29:33,107
♪ Oh, stand, now ♪
587
00:29:34,273 --> 00:29:36,323
♪ Stand by me ♪
588
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:38,940
-Uh, Mike?
-Yeah, bro.
589
00:29:39,736 --> 00:29:42,906
Uh... what do I have going for me?
590
00:29:44,324 --> 00:29:47,914
I mean, I've just been racking my brain,
and it just keeps coming up blank.
591
00:29:47,995 --> 00:29:49,955
I mean, am I just a fuck-up?
592
00:29:50,038 --> 00:29:53,918
Of course not. You're--
You're a great driver.
593
00:29:54,001 --> 00:29:56,301
Oh, my God, you're right.
I am a good driver.
594
00:29:56,378 --> 00:29:59,128
I forgot. I'm not, like,
a professional or anything.
595
00:29:59,214 --> 00:30:03,054
I'm no racecar driver, but I'm pretty good
when I'm driving my Scion.
596
00:30:03,135 --> 00:30:05,255
Sure you are.
You always keep your hands on the wheel.
597
00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:08,885
I know. Ten and two,
just like our parents taught us.
598
00:30:08,974 --> 00:30:10,434
Yeah, rest in peace, both.
599
00:30:11,310 --> 00:30:12,520
Two, three, four...
600
00:30:12,602 --> 00:30:15,112
♪ So, darling, darling ♪
601
00:30:15,188 --> 00:30:17,688
♪ Stand by me ♪
602
00:30:17,774 --> 00:30:22,364
-♪ Oh, stand by me ♪
-♪ Oh, stand right beside me, hey ♪
603
00:30:22,446 --> 00:30:25,236
-♪ Oh, stand, now ♪
-♪ Oh, stand, oh ♪
604
00:30:25,324 --> 00:30:28,204
-♪ Stand bisexual me ♪
-♪ Stand by me ♪
605
00:30:28,285 --> 00:30:30,535
I'd love to stick around
and sing several more songs,
606
00:30:30,620 --> 00:30:32,660
but I've got to go see a doctor
about my strep throat.
607
00:30:32,748 --> 00:30:35,248
It took me forever to find a guy
that I actually like.
608
00:30:35,334 --> 00:30:37,594
The rest were all foreigners and, like--
609
00:30:37,669 --> 00:30:40,669
-Okay, off you go.
-Can I borrow some money for a cab?
610
00:30:40,756 --> 00:30:43,876
I wrecked my Scion. Yeah. Drunk driving.
611
00:30:43,967 --> 00:30:45,177
-There you go.
-Thank you.
612
00:30:45,260 --> 00:30:47,050
♪ Bye, yeah ♪
613
00:30:47,137 --> 00:30:49,257
My twin brother, everybody.
614
00:30:49,348 --> 00:30:50,428
[cheering and applauding]
615
00:30:50,515 --> 00:30:54,895
-[Michael] ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
-[bird screeches]
616
00:30:54,978 --> 00:30:58,898
Our next guest feels at home
in the classiest place to meet a lady:
617
00:30:58,982 --> 00:31:00,482
a dance club.
618
00:31:00,567 --> 00:31:03,357
Ladies and gentlemen, Baby Archer.
619
00:31:04,237 --> 00:31:06,407
Aw, yeah! Thanks, MB.
620
00:31:06,490 --> 00:31:09,450
Dancing is a great way to meet people,
am I right?
621
00:31:09,534 --> 00:31:13,584
But so often, I hear:
"Baby Archer, I'm too dumb to dance."
622
00:31:13,663 --> 00:31:15,713
You dumb motherfucker,
anybody can dance,
623
00:31:15,791 --> 00:31:16,881
even if you're dumb as shit!
624
00:31:16,958 --> 00:31:20,418
[Auto-Tuned]
♪ Hey, you all, I got a new dance ♪
625
00:31:20,504 --> 00:31:24,054
♪ It's called the Kupid Shufle
Just give it a chance ♪
626
00:31:24,132 --> 00:31:27,512
♪ Step, step, front, front
Step, step, back, back ♪
627
00:31:27,594 --> 00:31:32,564
♪ That's the first part
Of the Kupid Shufle, Jack ♪
628
00:31:32,641 --> 00:31:34,641
You know, a lot of people said
there's already a Cupid Shuffle.
629
00:31:34,726 --> 00:31:37,476
But guess what?
I wrote this song in international waters.
630
00:31:37,562 --> 00:31:39,902
I hopped on a goddamn boat
631
00:31:39,981 --> 00:31:43,241
and evaded the IRS
like I'm L. Ron Hubbard, okay?
632
00:31:44,611 --> 00:31:46,031
And five, six, seven, eight...
633
00:31:46,113 --> 00:31:49,623
♪ Okay, you all, we're almost there ♪
634
00:31:49,699 --> 00:31:52,539
♪ Shufle part two
Do it if you dare ♪
635
00:31:52,619 --> 00:31:56,369
♪ Left, left, left, left
Left, left, left, left ♪
636
00:31:56,456 --> 00:31:59,746
♪ Left, left, left, left
Left, left, left, left ♪
637
00:31:59,835 --> 00:32:03,125
♪ Left, left, left, left
Left, left, left, left ♪
638
00:32:03,213 --> 00:32:06,633
♪ Left, left, left, left
Left, left, left, left ♪
639
00:32:06,716 --> 00:32:10,006
♪ Left, left, left, left
Left, left, left, left ♪
640
00:32:10,095 --> 00:32:14,135
♪ Left, left, left, left
Left, left, left, left, left, left... ♪
641
00:32:14,224 --> 00:32:15,314
Is he all right?
642
00:32:15,392 --> 00:32:17,772
♪ Left, left, left, left
Left, left ♪
643
00:32:17,853 --> 00:32:20,733
♪ Left, left, left, left
Left, left, left, left ♪
644
00:32:20,814 --> 00:32:21,984
♪ And stand ♪
645
00:32:22,065 --> 00:32:23,525
[music continues]
646
00:32:34,244 --> 00:32:37,964
♪ And that's the second part
Of the Kupid Shufle, man ♪
647
00:32:38,665 --> 00:32:40,495
Whoever booked this guy is fired.
648
00:32:40,584 --> 00:32:42,344
Bolton, get up here! Try it with me!
649
00:32:46,381 --> 00:32:48,971
Get your beautiful black ass up here.
650
00:32:49,050 --> 00:32:51,180
You handsome silver fox.
651
00:32:51,261 --> 00:32:54,311
Mmm! You're like
a heterosexual Anderson Cooper.
652
00:32:54,389 --> 00:32:58,519
God damn. Now let me show you
a cool-ass dance you can do.
653
00:32:58,602 --> 00:33:01,862
♪ Feel your balls slap back and forth
Michael Bolton ♪
654
00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:05,228
♪ Feel your balls slap back and forth
Michael Bolton ♪
655
00:33:05,317 --> 00:33:08,647
♪ Feel your balls slap back and forth
Michael Bolton ♪
656
00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:11,987
♪ I smell your pheromones
Coming out your pee-pee hole ♪
657
00:33:12,073 --> 00:33:16,453
♪ I know you're excited
Let's get the crowd ignited ♪
658
00:33:16,536 --> 00:33:18,366
[Auto-Tuned vocalizing]
659
00:33:19,873 --> 00:33:24,003
None of that was the Kupid Shufle.
Get off my stage! Now! Leave!
660
00:33:26,630 --> 00:33:28,800
Thanks, Michael.
I want to thank everyone in Hollywood.
661
00:33:28,882 --> 00:33:31,722
I want to thank show business in general.
It's just great.
662
00:33:31,801 --> 00:33:33,971
I love you. Have a good night.
Happy Valentine's Day.
663
00:33:34,054 --> 00:33:35,814
[makes fart noise]
664
00:33:37,849 --> 00:33:41,059
Blow in her ear. That's good, yes.
665
00:33:41,144 --> 00:33:43,024
Oh, I like that, too.
666
00:33:43,104 --> 00:33:45,364
No, I'm sorry, ma'am,
but for our purposes,
667
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:47,690
it really doesn't count
if you do it in the butt.
668
00:33:48,610 --> 00:33:51,740
I believe in two things: one, ghosts.
669
00:33:51,821 --> 00:33:55,331
And two, that there's somebody out there
for everyone.
670
00:33:55,408 --> 00:33:57,698
For me, it's my Carmela.
671
00:33:57,786 --> 00:33:58,906
[bird screeches]
672
00:33:58,995 --> 00:34:00,365
[whispers] Carmela.
673
00:34:00,455 --> 00:34:02,415
I'll never forget how we met,
waiting in line
674
00:34:02,499 --> 00:34:05,499
for the Pirates of the Caribbean
attraction at Disneyland.
675
00:34:05,585 --> 00:34:07,875
What started
as a swashbuckling flume ride
676
00:34:07,963 --> 00:34:11,423
designed to make even the most jaded
thrill-seekers say, "Ahoy,"
677
00:34:11,508 --> 00:34:14,008
became the starting point of our love.
678
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:16,639
And it's not just her body I adore.
679
00:34:16,721 --> 00:34:20,061
I would be incredibly attracted to her
even if she was just a mind,
680
00:34:20,141 --> 00:34:22,851
a mind that didn't have arms
or legs or skin
681
00:34:22,936 --> 00:34:27,516
and just somehow floated around in a jar
and communicated with me telepathically.
682
00:34:27,607 --> 00:34:32,447
This is all just a fancy way of saying
I'm gonna ask Carmela to marry me.
683
00:34:32,529 --> 00:34:36,279
The love of my life will soon be
my beloved wife.
684
00:34:36,366 --> 00:34:38,906
♪ Marriage ♪
685
00:34:39,911 --> 00:34:42,041
[cheering and applauding]
686
00:34:45,083 --> 00:34:47,543
[vocalizing]
687
00:34:52,841 --> 00:34:58,681
♪ This is the tale
Of Captain Jack Sparrow ♪
688
00:34:58,763 --> 00:35:04,733
♪ Pirate so brave
On the seven seas ♪
689
00:35:04,811 --> 00:35:10,611
♪ A mystical quest
To the Isle of Tortuga ♪
690
00:35:10,692 --> 00:35:16,702
♪ Raven locks sway
On the ocean's breeze ♪
691
00:35:18,491 --> 00:35:20,791
[vocalizing]
692
00:35:22,621 --> 00:35:28,341
♪ From the day he was born
He yearned for adventure ♪
693
00:35:29,044 --> 00:35:34,474
♪ Old Captain Jack
Giving them what for ♪
694
00:35:34,549 --> 00:35:40,469
♪ He's the pauper of the surf
The jester of Tortuga ♪
695
00:35:40,555 --> 00:35:46,435
♪ But is Davy Jones' Locker
What lies in store? ♪
696
00:35:47,062 --> 00:35:52,652
♪ This is the tale
Of the Disney Marauder ♪
697
00:35:52,734 --> 00:35:58,704
♪ The true pirate lord
The crustacean king ♪
698
00:35:58,782 --> 00:36:04,702
♪ Dismissed as a fool
And then hailed as a hero ♪
699
00:36:04,788 --> 00:36:10,788
♪ Sir Captain Jack
Lives on inside you and me ♪
700
00:36:11,544 --> 00:36:13,964
♪ Literally ♪
701
00:36:18,134 --> 00:36:19,644
[cheering and applauding]
702
00:36:27,727 --> 00:36:29,937
[Michael]
Okay, let's take a look at our board.
703
00:36:30,021 --> 00:36:32,941
Wow! We just reached the 50,000 mark.
704
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:35,244
We do need 75,000, though.
705
00:36:35,318 --> 00:36:38,408
We're so close. We need to keep going.
If you need tips...
706
00:36:38,488 --> 00:36:41,368
Hello? Wally's Mattress.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
707
00:36:41,449 --> 00:36:43,909
-[telephone rings]
-Hang on. Hello? Wally's Mattress.
708
00:36:43,993 --> 00:36:47,043
You want to return your mattress?
Because of the lifetime guarantee?
709
00:36:47,122 --> 00:36:48,462
[telephone ringing]
710
00:36:48,540 --> 00:36:50,540
You ruined it during lovemaking?
711
00:36:50,625 --> 00:36:52,875
Wait, hang on one second. Hello?
712
00:36:52,961 --> 00:36:55,381
Of course you'll get a refund.
It's a lifetime guarantee.
713
00:36:55,463 --> 00:36:57,513
Hang on one second. Sorry, sir.
Wally's Mattress.
714
00:36:57,590 --> 00:37:00,390
You poked a hole in it?
How is that even possible?
715
00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:02,758
Wait, one second. Sorry.
Wally's Mattress.
716
00:37:02,846 --> 00:37:04,176
Ma'am, I'm sorry.
I just want to know,
717
00:37:04,264 --> 00:37:07,524
how is everyone breaking their mattresses
having sex?
718
00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:09,600
It doesn't make any sense.
719
00:37:09,686 --> 00:37:11,766
I urge you all to take your lover to bed
720
00:37:11,855 --> 00:37:14,185
and pound that mattress
until there's nothing left.
721
00:37:15,442 --> 00:37:17,402
Oh, my God. He's going to destroy us.
722
00:37:17,485 --> 00:37:19,355
Pound that mattress.
723
00:37:19,446 --> 00:37:20,696
I've got to stop him.
724
00:37:32,250 --> 00:37:34,340
[Michael]
Okay, let's get back to our show.
725
00:37:34,419 --> 00:37:36,879
When it comes to singers
with two first names,
726
00:37:36,963 --> 00:37:39,513
you just can't beat Ray Charles.
727
00:37:39,591 --> 00:37:41,891
I want to sing one
of my favorite songs of his,
728
00:37:41,968 --> 00:37:45,138
and while doing it,
you know who I'll be thinking about.
729
00:37:45,221 --> 00:37:47,971
Carmela, this one's for you, baby.
730
00:37:49,017 --> 00:37:53,097
♪ I got a woman way over town ♪
731
00:37:53,188 --> 00:37:55,358
♪ That's good to me ♪
732
00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:57,650
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
733
00:37:57,734 --> 00:38:02,574
♪ Yeah, I got a woman
Way over town ♪
734
00:38:02,655 --> 00:38:04,615
♪ She's good to me ♪
735
00:38:05,408 --> 00:38:06,908
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
736
00:38:06,993 --> 00:38:11,413
♪ She gives me money
When I'm in need ♪
737
00:38:11,498 --> 00:38:16,038
♪ Oh, she's a kind of friend indeed ♪
738
00:38:16,127 --> 00:38:20,757
♪ Yeah, I got a woman
Way over town ♪
739
00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:23,470
♪ She's good to me ♪
740
00:38:23,551 --> 00:38:24,681
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
741
00:38:24,761 --> 00:38:25,721
[cell phone beeps]
742
00:38:27,472 --> 00:38:30,642
Well, speak of the angel. It's Carmela.
743
00:38:31,643 --> 00:38:34,853
"Michael, I'm sorry to do this
over text...
744
00:38:34,938 --> 00:38:38,068
but there's someone new in my life.
745
00:38:38,983 --> 00:38:41,573
It's a man, and he's changed everything.
746
00:38:42,570 --> 00:38:47,080
In fact, he's inside me
right this very second.
747
00:38:47,867 --> 00:38:49,867
I hope you understand.
748
00:38:49,953 --> 00:38:51,253
Goodbye."
749
00:38:53,832 --> 00:38:54,922
What?
750
00:38:57,210 --> 00:38:58,500
[echoing thud]
751
00:38:59,462 --> 00:39:00,462
What--
752
00:39:02,257 --> 00:39:03,797
What is this?
753
00:39:04,634 --> 00:39:06,514
Why would she tell me this?
754
00:39:08,179 --> 00:39:10,719
There's someone inside her right now?
755
00:39:10,807 --> 00:39:13,057
No!
756
00:39:13,142 --> 00:39:15,352
[somber music playing]
757
00:39:15,436 --> 00:39:19,766
♪ No ♪
758
00:39:21,568 --> 00:39:23,028
[groaning]
759
00:39:24,195 --> 00:39:25,775
I've got to get my shit together.
760
00:39:26,489 --> 00:39:29,159
Coming to the show right now
is my good friend Casey Wilson.
761
00:39:29,242 --> 00:39:31,912
Hello, Michael. Great to see you.
762
00:39:31,995 --> 00:39:33,155
Welcome to the show.
763
00:39:33,246 --> 00:39:36,416
Well, it's Valentine's Day,
my favorite day of the year.
764
00:39:36,499 --> 00:39:40,249
What other day of the year do I get
to read so many cards from admirers?
765
00:39:40,336 --> 00:39:41,626
You know what I'm saying, Michael?
766
00:39:42,672 --> 00:39:44,052
[somber music playing]
767
00:39:50,305 --> 00:39:51,425
Oh.
768
00:39:52,348 --> 00:39:53,518
Okay.
769
00:39:54,183 --> 00:39:57,693
Anyway, let's take a look at this one
from Molly.
770
00:39:57,770 --> 00:39:58,900
She says, "Happy Valentine--"
771
00:39:58,980 --> 00:40:01,320
♪ I could hardly believe it ♪
772
00:40:01,399 --> 00:40:05,489
-♪ When I heard the news today ♪
-Michael?
773
00:40:05,570 --> 00:40:10,120
♪ I had to come and get it straight
From you ♪
774
00:40:10,199 --> 00:40:11,739
Mike, you want to read some cards?
775
00:40:11,826 --> 00:40:13,446
Mike?
776
00:40:13,536 --> 00:40:16,116
♪ They said you were leaving ♪
777
00:40:16,205 --> 00:40:18,875
♪ Someone swept your heart away ♪
778
00:40:18,958 --> 00:40:20,078
Everything okay, buddy?
779
00:40:20,168 --> 00:40:23,088
-♪ From the look upon your face ♪
-Mikey baby?
780
00:40:23,171 --> 00:40:26,421
-♪ I see it's true ♪
-Michael B.?
781
00:40:27,842 --> 00:40:29,842
♪ So, tell me all about it ♪
782
00:40:29,928 --> 00:40:33,008
♪ Tell me about the plans
You're making ♪
783
00:40:33,097 --> 00:40:34,347
What is out that window?
784
00:40:34,432 --> 00:40:39,402
♪ Oh, and tell me one thing more
Before I go ♪
785
00:40:39,479 --> 00:40:40,519
Mikey!
786
00:40:42,357 --> 00:40:47,107
♪ Tell me, how am I supposed
To live without you ♪
787
00:40:47,195 --> 00:40:49,565
He's coming towards me.
I think I'm gonna go.
788
00:40:50,865 --> 00:40:56,995
♪ Now that I've been loving you
So long ♪
789
00:40:58,498 --> 00:41:04,088
♪ How am I supposed to live
Without you? ♪
790
00:41:05,463 --> 00:41:10,183
♪ And how am I supposed to carry on ♪
791
00:41:10,259 --> 00:41:12,969
-[horses neigh]
-[bird screeches]
792
00:41:13,054 --> 00:41:17,274
♪ When all that I've been living for ♪
793
00:41:17,976 --> 00:41:20,056
♪ Is gone? ♪
794
00:41:24,524 --> 00:41:26,284
[sobbing]
795
00:41:29,404 --> 00:41:31,824
I need more pictures of horses!
796
00:41:33,116 --> 00:41:35,026
[sobbing]
797
00:41:36,244 --> 00:41:37,704
What are you doing tomorrow?
798
00:41:38,997 --> 00:41:40,117
Uh...
799
00:41:40,206 --> 00:41:43,956
well, I might go shopping
for an avocado tree.
800
00:41:44,043 --> 00:41:46,053
-For a tree?
-An avocado tree.
801
00:41:46,129 --> 00:41:48,669
Why not just buy, like, five avocados?
802
00:41:48,756 --> 00:41:53,136
Well, because if you have tree,
I'll have 10,000 avocados.
803
00:41:53,219 --> 00:41:55,679
If you had to estimate,
how many avocados would you actually eat?
804
00:41:55,763 --> 00:41:58,523
-I didn't go to school for math.
-What did you go to school for?
805
00:41:58,599 --> 00:41:59,729
Advertising.
806
00:41:59,809 --> 00:42:01,099
[dramatic music playing]
807
00:42:05,982 --> 00:42:07,942
[laughing, chattering]
808
00:42:13,614 --> 00:42:15,994
Looks like I just found my way in.
809
00:42:16,075 --> 00:42:18,945
-I have a forked tongue, like a snake.
-Hey!
810
00:42:20,288 --> 00:42:21,788
[muffled shouts]
811
00:42:21,873 --> 00:42:25,043
-Son of a...
-No! No! No!
812
00:42:30,423 --> 00:42:31,843
[chuckling]
813
00:42:31,924 --> 00:42:33,054
Yes.
814
00:42:33,134 --> 00:42:35,054
Oh, I love you, too.
815
00:42:35,136 --> 00:42:36,346
Love is a lie!
816
00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:40,136
-[smack]
-[gasping]
817
00:42:40,224 --> 00:42:42,734
Pull yourself together.
I know you're hurt.
818
00:42:42,810 --> 00:42:45,230
But those numbers have stopped cold,
819
00:42:45,313 --> 00:42:48,233
and the only way to bring them up is
for you to go out there
820
00:42:48,316 --> 00:42:51,146
and sing the most romantic song
of all time.
821
00:42:53,488 --> 00:42:55,028
"Nessun dorma."
822
00:42:56,115 --> 00:43:01,075
"Nessun dorma," Puccini's most powerful,
beautiful aria about love.
823
00:43:01,162 --> 00:43:04,502
But it's too dangerous. Every time someone
performs it on TV or in the movies,
824
00:43:04,582 --> 00:43:06,042
someone's assassinated.
825
00:43:06,125 --> 00:43:08,335
You know,
like Mission: Impossible, Rogue Nation,
826
00:43:08,419 --> 00:43:10,379
-The Sum of all Fears.
-Those are just movies!
827
00:43:10,463 --> 00:43:13,973
This is real life. So, do it!
828
00:43:15,051 --> 00:43:16,011
You're right!
829
00:43:16,928 --> 00:43:18,468
[cheering and applauding]
830
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:27,810
♪ Nessun dorma ♪
831
00:43:28,523 --> 00:43:34,033
♪ Nessun dorma ♪
832
00:43:37,073 --> 00:43:42,753
♪ Tu pure, o Principessa ♪
833
00:43:42,829 --> 00:43:48,709
♪ Nella tua fredda stanza ♪
834
00:43:48,793 --> 00:43:54,303
♪ Guardi le stelle ♪
835
00:43:54,382 --> 00:44:00,682
♪ Che tremano d'amore ♪
836
00:44:01,514 --> 00:44:07,564
♪ E di speranza ♪
837
00:44:24,579 --> 00:44:30,039
♪ Dilegua, o notte ♪
838
00:44:30,126 --> 00:44:36,756
♪ Tramontate, stelle ♪
839
00:44:36,841 --> 00:44:38,221
[inhales and exhales deeply]
840
00:44:38,301 --> 00:44:42,431
♪ Tramontate, stelle ♪
841
00:44:42,513 --> 00:44:49,273
♪ All'alba vincerò ♪
842
00:44:53,065 --> 00:44:57,275
♪ Vincerò ♪
843
00:44:58,154 --> 00:45:02,994
♪ Vincerò ♪
844
00:45:03,075 --> 00:45:05,405
[music crescendoes]
845
00:45:13,252 --> 00:45:14,752
[aria ends]
846
00:45:17,256 --> 00:45:18,466
Santa!
847
00:45:18,549 --> 00:45:20,339
[men and women screaming]
848
00:45:22,511 --> 00:45:23,641
[gasps]
849
00:45:23,721 --> 00:45:24,811
[grunting]
850
00:45:24,889 --> 00:45:26,719
Curse that damn song.
851
00:45:29,268 --> 00:45:31,058
Don't you dare die on me, Santa.
852
00:45:31,145 --> 00:45:34,565
Hey, Michael, you mustn't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
853
00:45:34,649 --> 00:45:37,029
Just caught one in the old bowl of jelly.
854
00:45:37,109 --> 00:45:38,529
[grunting laughter]
855
00:45:38,611 --> 00:45:40,611
Michael, you were...
856
00:45:41,447 --> 00:45:46,287
always my favorite son.
857
00:45:47,245 --> 00:45:48,495
I'm your son?!
858
00:45:53,542 --> 00:45:55,542
What the fuck is going on?!
859
00:45:55,628 --> 00:45:57,548
[heart monitor flatlines]
860
00:45:57,630 --> 00:46:00,300
Michael, we have to do something!
We're flatlining!
861
00:46:05,554 --> 00:46:07,604
Oh, Michael, we lost one.
862
00:46:09,308 --> 00:46:14,898
Only in your darkest hour
shall your locks spring forth.
863
00:46:14,981 --> 00:46:16,151
[gasps]
864
00:46:16,941 --> 00:46:18,571
[Michael] I know what I must do.
865
00:46:19,235 --> 00:46:20,355
Boltron...
866
00:46:20,444 --> 00:46:22,204
♪ Grow ♪
867
00:46:22,279 --> 00:46:23,279
[thunder crashing]
868
00:46:23,364 --> 00:46:26,244
-[blowing horn]
-[dramatic music playing]
869
00:46:41,799 --> 00:46:44,549
[roars]
870
00:46:46,762 --> 00:46:48,602
-[gasps]
-Holy shit.
871
00:46:48,681 --> 00:46:50,141
Peak '90s Bolton.
872
00:46:50,224 --> 00:46:52,894
[whispers]
The prophecy-- it has come to pass.
873
00:46:52,977 --> 00:46:57,727
♪ When a man loves a woman ♪
874
00:46:57,815 --> 00:46:59,065
[cheering and applauding]
875
00:46:59,150 --> 00:47:03,450
♪ He can't keep his mind
On nothing else ♪
876
00:47:03,529 --> 00:47:07,279
♪ He'd trade the world
For the good thing he's found ♪
877
00:47:07,366 --> 00:47:08,366
[telephones ringing]
878
00:47:08,451 --> 00:47:09,451
Uh-huh?
879
00:47:09,535 --> 00:47:10,575
Oh, my God.
880
00:47:10,661 --> 00:47:14,751
♪ If she's bad, he can't see it ♪
881
00:47:14,832 --> 00:47:16,042
Listen to this.
882
00:47:16,792 --> 00:47:21,012
♪ She can do no wrong ♪
883
00:47:21,088 --> 00:47:26,338
♪ Turn his back on his best friend
If he puts her down ♪
884
00:47:27,553 --> 00:47:32,983
♪ Yes, when a man loves a woman ♪
885
00:47:33,976 --> 00:47:37,936
♪ I know exactly how it feels ♪
886
00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:42,230
♪ 'Cause, baby ♪
887
00:47:43,360 --> 00:47:46,280
♪ Ba... ♪
888
00:47:46,363 --> 00:47:48,743
[holding note]
889
00:47:48,824 --> 00:47:50,794
He's doing it!
890
00:47:50,868 --> 00:47:53,038
[rumbling, wind whistling]
891
00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:55,210
[man] It's so close.
I think we're gonna make it.
892
00:48:03,881 --> 00:48:05,011
[coughs weakly]
893
00:48:07,343 --> 00:48:08,343
[rumbling stops]
894
00:48:09,178 --> 00:48:10,968
Did we make it?
895
00:48:11,055 --> 00:48:13,095
Michael, you did all you could.
896
00:48:13,182 --> 00:48:15,232
We just ran out of fertile women.
897
00:48:16,310 --> 00:48:17,650
[whispers] I'm sorry, Michael.
898
00:48:20,564 --> 00:48:22,114
[woman]
I think you're forgetting someone.
899
00:48:23,818 --> 00:48:27,818
Carmela. But what are you doing here?
I thought you'd left me.
900
00:48:27,905 --> 00:48:29,155
No!
901
00:48:29,240 --> 00:48:34,410
Why would I leave the father
of our new baby boy?
902
00:48:35,454 --> 00:48:37,294
That's what your text meant?
903
00:48:37,373 --> 00:48:40,133
There's a new man in your life
and he's inside you?
904
00:48:40,209 --> 00:48:44,299
Yes! I can think of no better way
to phrase that.
905
00:48:45,923 --> 00:48:46,923
[Carmela] Mwah!
906
00:48:47,007 --> 00:48:48,967
[alarm ringing]
907
00:48:49,051 --> 00:48:51,471
Holy shit, Michael! We did it!
908
00:48:51,554 --> 00:48:53,684
[all cheering]
909
00:48:53,764 --> 00:48:55,984
Whatever this is, we saved it!
910
00:48:56,559 --> 00:48:58,099
Unbelievable!
911
00:48:58,936 --> 00:49:02,896
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to kill Santa Claus.
912
00:49:02,982 --> 00:49:05,482
I meant to kill you-- Michael Bolton.
913
00:49:06,277 --> 00:49:07,697
[rumbling]
914
00:49:09,989 --> 00:49:10,989
[grunts]
915
00:49:11,073 --> 00:49:13,953
Ho ho... whoa!
916
00:49:14,034 --> 00:49:16,124
Of course. The Santa Clause!
917
00:49:16,203 --> 00:49:18,213
-What?
-I don't understand any of this.
918
00:49:18,289 --> 00:49:20,709
Tim Allen. Disney. 1994.
919
00:49:20,791 --> 00:49:23,671
Wally killed Santa. Now he is Santa.
920
00:49:23,752 --> 00:49:26,302
That's right.
And, Michael, you've done it.
921
00:49:26,380 --> 00:49:27,920
You've saved Christmas.
922
00:49:28,007 --> 00:49:29,967
I'm so happy this happened.
923
00:49:30,050 --> 00:49:31,300
[all cheering]
924
00:49:31,385 --> 00:49:32,385
Rock on, Bolton.
925
00:49:32,469 --> 00:49:34,139
[laughing]
926
00:49:34,221 --> 00:49:38,391
All hail Lord Boltron,
the king of Valentine's Day.
927
00:49:38,476 --> 00:49:40,596
[cheering and applauding]
928
00:49:41,604 --> 00:49:42,694
[laughing]
929
00:49:42,771 --> 00:49:43,981
You're free to go.
930
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:01,460
[music playing]
931
00:52:44,036 --> 00:52:47,956
Oh, hello. You just caught me looking
at my little black book.
932
00:52:48,040 --> 00:52:50,580
A lot of names and memories in this.
933
00:52:51,543 --> 00:52:53,673
Yes. Carrie.
934
00:52:53,754 --> 00:52:56,224
Oh. Rebecca.
935
00:52:56,298 --> 00:53:00,048
Amelie. You're so sweet and innocent.
936
00:53:00,135 --> 00:53:02,005
Princess Mononoke.
937
00:53:02,679 --> 00:53:04,259
Unforgettable.
938
00:53:04,973 --> 00:53:07,183
And, of course, The French Connection.
939
00:53:07,267 --> 00:53:09,187
What a car chase.
940
00:53:09,269 --> 00:53:12,059
Yes, this is my little black book
of movies.
941
00:53:12,147 --> 00:53:13,187
[clown horn blows]
942
00:53:13,273 --> 00:53:16,153
Oh, boy!
That sound can only mean one thing:
943
00:53:16,235 --> 00:53:18,065
The Dancing Cupids!
944
00:53:18,153 --> 00:53:19,453
[jazz music playing]
945
00:53:28,914 --> 00:53:30,584
So fucking good.
946
00:53:36,505 --> 00:53:38,335
This is my favorite part. Watch this part.
947
00:53:44,179 --> 00:53:46,309
I actually had to talk to the execs
about keeping them.
948
00:53:46,390 --> 00:53:47,810
They were thinking of cutting them.
949
00:53:48,475 --> 00:53:50,805
I said, "You cut them, you cut me,
'cause I'm gone."
950
00:53:58,193 --> 00:53:59,653
[song ends]
951
00:53:59,736 --> 00:54:01,106
[shoes squeaking]