OK, everybody, here we go. Lights? Go. Sound. Go. Floor. Go!
Good luck, everybody. Run titles.
This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys Live.
# She's Mrs Brown Agnes
# That's Mrs Brown Agnes
# Oh, Mrs Brown. #
W-O-O-M-B.
No. No. W-O-O-O-O-M-B.
Mammy, it's just W-O-M-B.
Cathy, have you ever even heard an elephant fart?
Here, I'm heading down the shops. Do you need anything?
Sweets or fruit for the trick or treaters?
No. I'm ready for them.
Good.
So how did your night out go with Sharon last night?
It was great. Just a few drinks and Sharon was full of gossip.
Was she? Tell me.
Right. Well, Peter Lightburn is retiring.
Again? That's once a year at least.
I know. But did you know about Heather McAnally's husband?
Campbell? The one-legged fella?
Not any more. He's lost the other one too.
Oh, no. Heather wants to watch it. He's leaving her bit by bit.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, what are you wearing tonight for the Halloween ball in Foley's?
You'll have to wait and see.
You should go as Hannibal Lecter.
That way you won't need a costume or a mask.
Ah-ha-ha! Very funny.
Heh-heh-heh!
I wasn't joking.
Hello there, and welcome to Mrs Browns Boys "live"!
It's going out live in the UK, Ireland
and the United States of America
and I think a little bit of wee just came out.
It's our Halloween special. The last one we did...
Oh, some years ago, it was 19...
2016... had 11... over 11 million viewers.
I don't think we'll have that many this time.
So I'd like to welcome Both of you.
It's a Halloween Special and the only instructions
the producers have given me is to steer clear of...
..doubley entantays.
I don't know what the feck they are.
But it's Halloween so I hope you're having a good time in your mask,
with your mouth full of nuts.
KLAXON HOOTS
What?
No!
Well, it's too late now.
I love Halloween.
The kids knocking at the door, all dressed up, all excited.
And as you can see...
In here!
As you can see, I do the whole house up for it. Isn't it nice?
WHOOPING
Grandad, you want a cup of tea?
APPLAUSE AND WOLF-WHISTLE
Look at him!
He loves Halloween, don't you?
Betty, you're making a much bigger deal out of this than you need to.
No, I'm not, Maria. It's just Mark being...Mark.
Just us, Mrs Brown.
Hello, you two.
What's up?
What's wrong?
It's your son.
He means well, Betty.
He doesn't care what Bono does.
Of course he cares.
Look, don't do this in front of Mrs Brown.
Oh, the favourite son!
Now, now, Betty. Calm down.
Look, there's a cup of tea. Thanks.
Tell me about it, and I promise I won't take sides.
Now, what's the problem?
Your son's an asshole.
And you're a bitch, so what's...
What? Mrs Brown!
I'm just saying sometimes, sometimes, that's all I'm saying.
So, what is it, the...?
..you know, that made the conflict?
Bono doesn't want to dress up and play trick or treat
and Mark says that's all right.
OK.
Not OK. It's Halloween.
Dressing up and playing trick or treat is what kids do at Halloween.
Yeah, but kids.
Yes. Kids.
Betty, Bono is 15.
That's what I said.
He's still a child, Mrs Brown.
What age were your kids when they stopped?
12 or so. I can't remember.
They just grow out of it.
Hello there!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And then again, some of them never do.
Hello, son.
MANIACAL CACKLING
SMASHING
Buster has diarrhoea again.
I'll put a spell on you.
And I will shove that broom up your...
Mrs Brown!
Would you have a word with Bono, would you?
He'll listen to his granny.
I... OK, I'll tell him to come over after school. Thanks very much.
I'll see youse later. I don't really want to get involved.
I'll try and talk to her. Thanks, Maria. Thank you.
What was all that about? Oh, just...
Betty doesn't want Bono to grow up.
Would you like a drink, son?
I think I have some O negative in the fridge.
Ha-ha-ha!
Nah, we're promoting that haunted house thing
down at the community centre. Oh, lovely.
I'm Count Dracula, the Prince of Darkness.
So you just take random people and suck them dry?
Yeah.
I had a sister who used... Anyway, it doesn't...
I don't want to talk about it. So...
Oh, who are you, Buster?
I'm a witch.
You're a warlock.
No. I'm a witch.
A witch is a woman, a man is a warlock.
Well, I'm a witch.
Buster, do you know the difference between woman and man?
I do. "W" and "O".
Einstein will never be dead while Buster's around.
Einstein's dead?
Who's managing Chelsea now?
Here, I'm going to go as Popeye. Heh-heh!
Come on, we'd better get to work.
Are you right, Buster? Here, you drive. I'll race you on me broom.
Buster, you realise you're not a real witch? Yeah.
Or am I?
Abracadabra puff!
That's a magician.
Mizuno!
That's a sports company.
Oh. Eh...
Alakazam! Another magician.
Eh... Oh, just go.
I'm going. Whee!
I think I'm going to have a job getting that costume off him.
I tell you, dressed like that, he looks like his mother.
EERIE WHISTLING
Who was that?
What? Somebody just walked across and out the door.
The door's closed, Ma.
I'm sure I saw somebody.
TENSE MUSIC
BUSTER SCREAMS
I'll get you, Dorothy, and your little dog!
Come on, Buster, before she kills you.
DOOR CLOSES
He nearly gave me a heart attack.
Tea's ready, Grandad.
There you go, Grandad. Now...
Hello, Agnes.
Nothing to say to your husband?
Redser Brown?
HE LAUGHS
Left, left.
Your other left, Father.
Looks good, Sharon.
I know.
I think my bit is good too, eh, Trevor?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Looking good, Sharon!
Thanks, Cathy.
A lot of it was my idea.
Right, well... Well done, Father Damien, too.
I'm surprised to see you involved, Father,
Halloween being a pagan thing and all that.
Actually, Cathy, it's a holy day too.
Really? Yes. All Souls' Day.
Yes. It's All Souls' Day.
In ancient times it was believed that the dead who are troubled
would rise from grave just for one day. But today we just take time
to remember those who have passed, and pray for them.
Aw! So is that where all the ghost stories come from?
Yes. The Halloween we have now actually started in Ireland.
It goes back to the mid-17th century...
Sharon bored now.
Come on, Damien. We'll go down to Mammy's and have a cuppa.
Girls, is there any souls you'd like me to pray for?
Oh, yes. Terry Green.
Has he passed? No, not yet,
but he's asked me on a date and I can't see him surviving it.
Come on, Damien.
You're awful.
So, what are you dressing up as for tonight?
A fairy! Ooh!
What about you?
An Olympic sprinter, green hair and all in Lycra.
Really?
No! A pussy cat. Meow!
Well, I bet your date Terry Green is coming as a mouse.
THEY LAUGH
But you're dead?
And yet here I am.
What are you doing here? Were you thrown out of...
..heaven?
Do you remember my last words?
Yes. "Oh, fuck, it's a bus."
No. My last words to you.
I said that I would haunt you. Well, here I am.
Huh! Typical you.
Took you 25 years to get around to it, you lazy bastard.
You've put on weight.
That's because I'm happy.
Why don't you go back where you came from?
It's Halloween, Agnes.
After 25 years they let you pop back and visit your loved ones.
Well, big mistake.
You are not loved here.
Why not? What did I do?
Not you, Winnie. Him! Redser.
Redser?
Yes, Redser. I bet you're surprised to see him.
Well, I would be if I could see him.
Very surprised.
Winnie, he's just there, sitting right there.
She can't see me.
Hello, Redser!
You're looking well. No, no, Winnie. No, he's not there.
That's what I said, Agnes.
No, he's over there.
He's on one knee, tying his shoelace.
He's wearing shoes? Of course he is!
Hello there, Redser...
No, no, Winnie...
You're talking to his willie now.
Oh, Redser, will you stand in one place?
Has he gone? Yes, he's gone.
The cheek of him, popping in like that without any warning.
Exactly.
He's put on weight.
And he looks taller than I remember.
What did you think of his haircut?
I didn't like it.
And the shirt? It was too blue.
Yeah. He's put on a bit of weight around the shoulders, hasn't he?
Yeah. Yeah.
You couldn't see him, Winnie, could you? No. No.
I was only humouring you, Agnes.
Well, I'm telling you, he was here, right there. At least his ghost was.
Agnes, you always get like this near his anniversary.
Winnie, this is October. His anniversary was in May.
Is it that you miss him?
No, I don't miss him.
You miss the sex? No!
You're right. Sex is a pain in the arse.
Look, look...
Winnie, the line was, "Sex is a waste of time."
Cos if you say, "Sex is a pain in the arse" I'm going to have to say you're doing it wrong.
Do you want a cup of tea? Yes, please. Just a quick one.
Very quick!
Here, Cathy was saying that Peter Lightburn has retired again.
Well, I might do that.
Do what? Retire and live off me money.
Heh-heh-heh.
And what will you do the second week?
Here, what are wearing tonight at Foley's for the Halloween party?
My God, I forgot all about that!
Here, scratch the tea. I got to hire myself a costume.
I suppose she could always go as a...
Let me think.
A ghost?
Oh, you're back.
HE LAUGHS
Well, I can tell you now, you've been no help to this family.
All you've ever brought to this family was disappointment.
Disappointment.
You never helped with anything around the house.
Ha! You say that but did you ever do it? No!
Answer me. Did you?
Answer the question. No. No. I dare you.
Answer it.
What's going on?
I don't know. Oh, dear. Is she losing it?
I'm not sure she had it to begin with.
Aha! Aha!
Now. Say it again.
Go on. Say it again. You never gave any of them a chance.
Go on. Say it.
They can't see me.
Can you see him?
It's OK, Mammy. You've been under a lot of pressure.
Oh, for Christ... I'm calling Dr Flynn.
Mrs Brown, have you been taking medication?
What?
Anything that would make you high?
Not as high as you, father.
Certainly not.
Hiya, Dr Flynn. It's Trevor.
Trevor Brown.
Mammy's hallucinating or something.
Yes. Get her, would you, please?
And hurry. Trevor.
Is there anything I can do?
Yes. Round up everybody.
We need a family meeting on this.
Come on.
Come in here and show yourself. I dare you. Come on.
Leave me alone.
Not you, pumpkin head.
Him!
I met Father Damien outside.
He said Mammy's on drugs or something.
What's going on?
I don't know.
I left Cathy in Foley's.
Watch Mammy, will you? Yeah, sure.
If you see Buster, tell him I'm here.
What's happening, Mammy?
Now...
Now... You have the whole family thinking I've lost my mind.
I hope you're happy now.
You lost your mind long ago.
Oh, I have to slap somebody.
Come on, Mammy. Relax.
Mammy. Mammy! Mammy!
Oh! Mammy!
Mammy! Breathe!
Deep breaths, Mammy. Deep breaths.
MRS BROWN EXHALES
That's it. Now how do you feel?
Better. Much better.
He's gone.
What's funny?
I was just thinking about you there, standing there.
Going, "Breathe, breathe."
That was your father the night you were born.
Just standing there. "Breathe, breathe."
When I came home, he was eating his dinner,
I'd go, "Swallow, swallow."
Hard to believe that was 36 years ago.
My God.
Only seems like yesterday.
Really?
Do you remember being pregnant with me? Oh, God, yes.
My arse was as wide as the airport.
What were you hoping I'd be?
About four pounds lighter than you were.
Really?
No, no.
I remember that birth.
Most beautiful time of my life.
My birth was?
No, no, no. It was Mark's birth. It was Mark's.
Of course it was.
No, I forgot your birth because I didn't want you.
What? No, not that I didn't want you. I didn't want a baby.
Not then.
But then you came along
and I was bowled over.
What did you think the first time you saw me?
The doctor handed you to me...
"He only has one eye."
I sent for the doctor
because you had a red ring around the back of your neck.
And I asked the doctor, I said, "Is he all right?"
And the doctor said, "He's just fat."
Ah, Mammy. No, no, no.
You were... You were...fine.
All right, there?
Hello, there. Hello, Mrs Brown.
I believe you're going mental.
Well, I brought Blister over.
He's never seen a lunatic before.
There you are now, son.
Buster, she's just stressed.
I'm not "stressed".
Hello, Blister. You look great.
Look at you all dressed up for Halloween.
You look great.
So what are you going to say to people when you knock at the door?
"Give me some sweets or I'll burn your house down."
I taught him that bit.
I got here as quick as I could.
Oh, you're too late.
We don't... For God's sake.
We don't need a doctor.
He's already dead.
Grandad's dead?
What's wrong?
Grandad's dead.
Grandad is dead?
Where's me teeth?
You said he was dead.
Your mother said he was dead.
No.
Not Grandad, your father's already dead.
We don't need a doctor.
Mammy, what's wrong?
She's mad, isn't she, Blister? Bonkers!
Buster, will you stop
and keep little Al Capone there quiet?
I'll burn your house down.
Not here. Don't do it here.
Sit yourselves down.
They're all here, Dermot. Bring Mammy into the sitting room.
Family meeting. God's sake, Family meeting.
We didn't even have a family meeting over the worst of things,
never mind the best of things. Family meeting.
Ah, Bono. You dressed up. Good boy.
Yeah, Granny. Thanks, Mrs Brown.
No problem.
I didn't do anything.
Look, you're all very good for coming over, but... Wait a minute.
Who are you?
Trick or treat.
Johnny, Jasper, you're not even one of us.
Get out of here.
Hey. Sweets, baby.
Hey, you two. Out now.
Nothing like "out now" to move people.
Look, you're all very good for coming over but,
look, it's All Souls' Day.
I haven't lost my mind.
Your father came back to haunt me.
It's as simple as that.
Stop.
Look, why don't you believe me?
Why would I lie?
Because it's not possible.
Now, just wait one minute, father.
There are millions of records all over the world
of people meeting poltergeists.
But the dead don't just appear.
Really?
What about Our Lady of Lourdes?
He's right.
And Our Lady of Knock.
He's doing science in school.
He gets an A every time.
I bet he does.
Is he here now, Granny?
No.
Wait.
He's just there.
The best thing to fight fire with is fire.
Funny, the Fire Brigade prefer water.
Shut up, Buster.
Hey, I'll burn your house.
Jesus, weird kid, Buster.
I know, he gets a C in every exam.
What you need, Agnes, is to have an exorcism.
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Winnie.
I don't even have a vibrator.
No. An exorcism!
Father Damien, you know what I mean.
I do.
The instructions are in here.
But wait a minute.
Is this wise?
I've never done one before,
but I'm sure it's straightforward enough. This should be fun.
He'll never get rid of me.
OK.
Who should be in attendance?
The exorcist.
That's me. Get on with it.
No virgins.
You better go, Sharon.
Good luck. See yous later.
Nobody who has not been to confession for two weeks.
That's us. Let's go.
Nobody who has taken part in a satanic ritual.
Oh, I better go. Winnie!
What are you talking about?
Agnes, it's a long story.
I needed the money, and they said I could keep the chicken at the end.
And the exorcist should be the only clergy that can attend.
Oops. Sorry, Trevor.
LAUGHS
I told you he'd never get rid of me.
OK, father. That's it.
Do it. Do it now.
Be gone, demon.
Be gone!
LIGHTNING CRACKS
Go on. Keep going. Keep going.
That seems to be it.
Ah, you're fucking useless.
I really thought it would be a bit more dramatic than that,
but that's it.
Well, thanks for trying.
But did it work?
LAUGHS
Yes, father, it did.
You were fantastic.
I knew I could do it.
Right, I better get to Foley's.
I'm judging the costume event.
I'll walk you to the door.
And I'll be right here when you get back.
No, you won't.
You can see me?
Grandad, you can see him?
Yes, I can.
I can see you, son.
But they said only my loved ones...
I am your loved one.
I'm probably the only one that ever loved you.
You were an average child.
You were a terrible father.
SCOFFS
And a horrible husband.
Well, you should have told him that years ago.
Yes, maybe.
But this is something I should have done years ago.
And don't come back.
He'll be back.
No, he won't.
It's midnight.
His time is up.
Grandad, my hero.
Thank you, Agnes.
But will you feel like that tomorrow?
Of course not.
Oh!
But tonight, the drinks are on me.
Come on, let's get to Foley's.
Yes!
Thank you, Sharon.
Well, father, you're the judge.
Have you decided yet?
I've got it down to two, but maybe I'll let the audience decide.
As the saying goes, "Help me if you can."
Oh, who said that?
Either John or Paul.
Ah, the apostles?
No, the Beatles.
Oh, yes, of course.
Here, let me help.
QUIET!
Father Damien has it down to two, so yous can all decide.
So let's hear your votes for
Dr Flynn's Scottish widow.
FAUX SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Show some pity on the poor wee widow."
MUTTERS, BOOS
What about Bono Brown's zombie rugby player?
CHEERING
Bono Brown's the name and rugby's the game!
CHEERING
Sharon. Sharon, come down here.
Now, Sharon, give this man whatever he wants to drink, all night, on me.
OK, Mrs B. What'll it be, Grandad?
Your finest brandy.
Single or double?
Bottle, please.
Oh, my God.
It's him.
Be gone, demon.
Be gone.
Mammy, stop it, please.
No, no. It's...
Can you see him? Can you not see him?
Yes. It's Mark.
He's going to sing.
Mark?
Well, who did you think it was?
Nobody.
Nobody you'd know.
# I was working in the lab late one night
# When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
# For my monster from his slab, began to rise
# And suddenly to my surprise
# He did the mash
# He did the monster mash
# The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
# He did the mash
# It caught on in a flash
# He did the mash
# He did the monster mash
# From my laboratory in the castle east
# To the master bedroom where the vampires feast
# The ghouls all came from their humble abodes
# To get a jolt from my electrodes
# They did the mash
They did the monster mash
# The monster mash
# It was a graveyard smash
# They did the mash
# It caught on in a flash
# They did the mash
# They did the monster mash
# They did the mash The monster mash. #
LAUGHS
Goodnight. Happy Halloween!
Happy Halloween! Goodnight.