Are you fucking deaf?
I said, are you fucking deaf?
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Is this for real?
What's up, Steven?
Well, there's swearing in this advert.
All kinds of effin' and jeffin'.
Are you really allowed to broadcast this on the radio? I mean,
even Channel 4 doesn't have swearing in their adverts.
Anything goes these days. It's the 21st century, my friend.
Oh, God, yeah. No taboos left anywhere any more.
OK, let's crack on.
Actually, I've gotta go, so I'll see you next week, Steven, yeah?
KISSING
QUIETLY: What the blazes is this ritual?
IMITATES GUNSHOT
Where's that clown off to? To see his therapist.
His therapist?! Ha, that doesn't surprise me.
Danny's considering a sex-change operation.
A sex-change operation? Yeah, it's mostly because he thinks
his clothes'll suit him better if he's a woman.
Just something he's been mulling over for a while.
SNORTS Talking to a therapist about it.
Well, I've heard everything.
Sex-change operations, swearing in adverts -
these really are the last days of Sodom.
Try that line again there, Steven?
Yeah.
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How the fuck was that?
Nuts. Do you remember?
That musical you did about the... the horrors of mental illness.
Ugh, probably the worst production I've ever been in.
Yes, you've been in more than your fair share of bad productions.
Yeah, Ray Purchase was in that.
Played an out-of-control schizophrenic called Magpie
and used that as an excuse to pinch everyone's fags.
And I swore I'd never work with him again.
Yes, do you remember you opened the trapdoor on stage
and he fell right through?
LAUGHS Yes, he did!
I will make my nest. I will be happy.
TRAPDOOR OPENS
AUDIENCE GASPS Argh!
People told me he'd broken his back but he hadn't.
Just his arm and his collarbone.
Yes.
Anyway, while I'm here, any news on my Dickie Davies biopic audition?
Dickie Davies audition...
That was a no.
A no?! How can it be a no, Jane?
I look exactly like him. Ooh, now, this is really big news!
The Royal Variety Performance people have been on.
They'd like you to take part this year, in the newly
reopened Regency Theatre.
The Regency Theatre? Isn't that now a Chicken Paradise?
Yes, it was in a dreadful state, but then a lot of showbiz folk
got together to buy it back and refurbish it.
I'm not doing the Royal Variety Performance, Jane.
All charity work is a complete waste of time and money,
and usually does more harm than good.
Remember Live Aid?
They'd like you to perform the Amazing Egyptian Sand Dance,
made famous in the 1930s.
The bloody Sand Dance? I've not done that for years.
LAUGHS
Hold on a second, you need two performers for that routine.
Yes, so I suggested, erm...
What, Ray bloody Purchase?
I told you two seconds ago, I never wanted to work with him again.
Did you? Well, maybe not two seconds,
but certainly in the very recent past.
OK, OK, I shall demand they don't ask Ray Purchase
to perform with you. That'll be an absolute nonstarter.
Ah, I'm not doing any charity work, Jane, for anyone, ever.
Oh, here's a thing...
Kevin Spacey'll be there.
Who? Kevin Spacey?
Major actor, director and big player in Hollywood.
He's become very immersed in the whole London scene.
Rumour has it, he's looking for someone to play
the British attache in the new series of the House Of Cards.
I'll do it.
This charity event, count me in.
You've changed your tune, Toast.
All a waste of time and money a second ago.
Obviously I know who Kevin Spacey is.
I just said "who" to give me some time to think about the offer.
British attache? Hmm!
Yes, yes, House of Cards, I'll be splendid in that.
Ever seen it? No.
Anyway, who's presenting at this Royal Variety Performance?
Bob Monkhouse!
Isn't he dead?
No! Why does everybody say that? Bob is very much alive.
He's just got remarried, in fact.
Apparently his new wife's a complete zombie.
Anyway, I'll tell them you're on board.
India, Royal Variety - patch me through.
I hate the Royal Variety Performance
but if Kevin Spacey sees me in it, he's bound to cast me
as the British attache in the new series of House Of Cards.
Sorry, Toast, I was just reading a review of the revival
of The Government Inspector at the Lyric.
It's not very good.
I was saying, I mean, I hate the Royal Variety Performance,
but if Kevin Spacey sees me in it,
he's bound to cast me as the British attache.
Sorry, Toast, I was just reading a review of the revival of Abigail's Party
at the Young Vic.
Not very good.
I was saying, I hate the Royal Variety Performance, but if... Oh!
Hang on, old chap, I was reading that!
DOOR CREAKS
Who the hell is that?
That'll be for me.
Here's your magazines, Ed.
What is it, Ed?
It's some copies of Woman's Realm.
Woman's Realm? I didn't think that was still going.
It isn't. These are vintage copies. It's very hard to find.
I'm a bit of a collector.
Well, isn't it just knitting patterns for old ladies?
Oh, yes.
Oh, God! Who delivered them?
John Nettles? No, he does Titbits.
This is a chap called Larry Muggins.
Anything you want, he can find. Probably at a discount price.
Really? Oh, yes.
Yes, anything from a rare edition of a Ken Follett novel
to a sex-change operation.
Sex-change operation?!
Oh, yes.
Well, that idiot Danny Bear at Scramble Studios
was talking about getting a sex-change operation.
Reckoned it would suit his clothes.
Oh, this chap Muggins can probably organise it for him.
And there's likely to be a queue for the op at the NHS.
I can put in a word, if you like?
Well, you know, why not? It's no odds to me.
So, who's hosting the Royal Variety Performance this year?
Bob Monkhouse.
Bob Monkhouse?!
Thanks for coming, old chap.
With a name like Toast, I thought you'd pop up.
OTHERS LAUGH Glad you decided to become involved.
Jane said you don't usually do any charity work.
Not true at all. You're thinking of Dickie Davies.
Weather's been very warm, hasn't it? Especially at nights.
These days, I love to sleep in the nude.
Not a bad thing, except of course on those really long flights.
OTHERS LAUGH What?
Anyway, meet the organising committee before we go down to the theatre.
Hello, Dennis Fog. Dense Fog?
No, Dennis Fog.
Sorry, nice to meet you.
Hello, Derek Bildings.
Derelict Buildings?
No, Derek Bildings.
Sorry, nice to meet you.
Hello, er, Shane Fulorgy.
Shameful Orgy?
Shane Fulorgy.
Sorry, nice to meet you.
I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job
as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there!
OTHERS LAUGH
Anyway, I just wanna say, er, how it warms my heart
that so many top turns are willing to give their time to charity.
Ray bloody Purchase.
Well, well, well, if it isn't Steven Toast.
Tell us more about your substantial charity work, Toast.
I'd love to hear about it.
I specifically told Jane I never wanted to work with you again.
Well, tough tit, Toast.
Steven Toast, everyone. He'll buy you a pint with one hand
and sleep with your wife with the other.
Why don't you shut up and sit down?
Here's a thing I've noticed.
People seem to think I come from Kent.
I hear them mutter the word as I walk past!
What? I'm really looking forward to this.
You know Kevin Spacey's gonna be there?
I didn't know that.
Yes, you did.
I know for a fact that Jane Plough told you about it.
She texted me, she e-mailed me, she wrote me a postcard, she told me
to my face that she definitely, definitely told you about it.
Did she? Well, I must have forgotten.
And we've just heard this morning that Prince Charles
and his delightful wife, Camilla Parker Bowles,
are also coming along.
Now, I think it would be a terrific idea to present them
with a souvenir of the occasion.
Who wants to look after that?
I think Toast should be in charge of securing
the gift for the royal couple.
Really? Yes, great idea.
Talking of royals,
do you know what happened during Kate Middleton's wedding night?
No. She was held against her Will.
What? Gosh, is that the time?
We need to get down to the stage to rehearse.
Right, chaps, we'll take the lift, there's too many stairs.
Come along, darling.
SNARLS
EXHALES NERVOUSLY
GRUNTS
Sorry, Mrs P, I can't get
Bob Monkhouse's zombie wife's face out of my head.
I thought Bob Monkhouse was dead?
No, he's very much alive. As is his wife.
Well, technically she's dead.
Living dead, surely?
Anyway, Monkhouse did a very strange thing.
He kept telling these stories that were unconnected to anything
and then everyone would laugh.
Well, they're probably jokes.
Jokes?!
Yes, Monkhouse is famous for telling jokes all the time.
SCOFFS WHOOSHING ON SCREEN
What are you doing, Mrs P?
Mm, it's my new job.
You've got a job? BEEPING
What the hell is it?
Operating drones for the US military.
Really? Yes.
You know, it's perfect for me, actually,
because I can work from home.
Do you know, depending on how many missiles I launch,
I can earn up to 30 quid a day.
Drones for the US military? Mm-hm.
DOORBELL RINGS Oh, I'd better get that.
Do you want a go? It's very easy.
You just move this cursor,
then when you select your target, you press this key here.
Right.
Oh, and only blow up the houses on the left-hand side of the road,
not the houses on the right.
Gotcha. BEEPING
WHOOSHING
Direct hit!
WHOOSHING And another.
I'm very good at this, if I don't mind saying.
Oh, hope there was nobody home!
Having fun?
Yes, it's quite addictive, isn't it? Mmm.
WHOOSHING Oh.
What?
Did I say blow up the houses on the left-hand side?
Yes.
I meant the houses on the right.
Well, I've blown a hell of a lot up on the left.
Oh, well, it'll probably be fine.
I imagine no-one'll notice. No.
Oh! Oh, ho-ho-ho!
Which one of you lads is looking for a sex change?
You, is it?
No, it's me, actually.
What's your budget?
How much do you wanna spend on it?
Well, it's quite serious, a sex-change operation. I mean,
it's not really the type of thing you can cut corners on.
So what are you looking at?
Well, I got a quote from an established, specialist surgeon, £4,000.
Jesus, £4,000 for a sex change?
Sure, I do more or less the same thing for 50 quid.
50 quid? All I need's a level surface
and a bucket for drainage.
And I'll throw in for free, disposal of body parts.
Right, well, as I say, it's quite a big operation,
so I'm gonna need to know everything's all above board.
There's a full guarantee going with it. Oh.
And 50 quid, no hidden charges.
Honestly, you'd be mad to spend £4,000 on a sex change.
All those twisters in Harley Street, ripping off naive transgenders.
For that amount of cash, we could change you into a llama.
Are you serious, a full sex-change operation for 50 quid?
Yeah. Unless you want to pay the VAT on top of it!
All right.
OK, yes!
Hope I don't live to regret this!
Can we start now?
How are you feeling, Danny?
Well, I'm a bit nervous, to be honest.
You never had a sex-change operation before, huh?
Er, no.
Ah, you've nothing to worry about.
So what's in this plastic bag? A pair of tits.
Ah, yes...very interesting.
What are you doing here? I'm the intermediary, Larry.
Instrumental in bringing both parties together.
You don't mind if I stay and watch, do you?
It'll cost you a tenner.
OK.
Look, I'm really not sure about all this.
Having cold feet, are you, Danny? Well, you should have said
something before now, instead of leaving
it to Muggins here to sort out! D'you know what?
I think I'm gonna give it a miss. What?
The operation. I think I'm gonna give it a miss.
Is it because you don't want to lose the moustache?
We could probably keep that.
That Eurovision winner looked great. She had a full beard.
Look, sorry, do you know what? I've changed my mind.
I went for a budget option
and I really should have gone through a more traditional medical route,
like with a proper surgeon and, you know, hospital.
Well, it's no skin off my nose,
but I'm gonna have to keep the 50 squid.
Yep. OK, fine. You can keep the pair of tits.
Well, I don't think I'm gonna need them now.
Er, can I have them?
SCOFFS
Ah!
Enjoying yourself, Ed?
Yes.
Yes. So the Royal Variety Performance, huh?
I'm looking forward to it and I'll tune in. Are you nervous?
Nah, who cares? It's a charity event.
All I know is that when Kevin Spacey sees my Sand Dance,
he'll be so impressed, he's bound to offer me the House Of Cards attache.
Well, best of luck with that. Downside is,
I have to share the stage with Ray bloody Purchase again.
Well, I hope he doesn't fall through the trapdoor this time.
LAUGHS
Did you manage to look at those plastic tits?
Yes, yes, I did.
You see, I don't know how Muggins would have grafted these
onto your friend without a severe risk of blood poisoning.
Paul Gascoigne used to wear these the whole time.
It's very disappointing.
Well, what the hell were you expecting?
Oh, I dunno. Something a bit less tacky.
Something a bit more, you know, va-va-voom.
SCOFFS
You are very peculiar, Ed. You can have them if you want.
I don't want them. Unless...
Unless what?
Well, Tom Jones has just been added to the bill
at the Royal Variety Performance.
A pair of plastic tits may be just the kind of thing he'd like.
Yes, good thinking! Tom Jones would love a pair of comedy plastic tits.
I think he would. Right, I'm off.
If I were you, I'd find another lodger, as I say goodbye, Ed,
hello, House Of Cards.
# You're so deluded, Toast It makes me sad
♪ You'll never get the break that you want so bad. ♪
What?!
# How dare you, my friend?
# Pity me when I know
# I'm a joke
# I'll suffer scorn
# And I'll wear this crown of thorns
# It is clear that I'll die
# Having lived inside a lie
♪ It's true. ♪
Look, Toast, you need to bring your A game to the table.
We're not doing the conga or the Agadoo, this is the Sand Dance!
There's 100 years of musical history
and I'm not gonna let you piss about with it!
Who cares?
Who cares? I care!
Monkhouse cares!
Well, I think your Sand Dance is gonna be sensational, chaps.
The old ones really are the best.
Talking of old ones, fellas, do you know I still enjoy sex at 74?
I live at 76, it's no distance.
LAUGHS
What?
APPLAUSE, JAUNTY MUSIC
APPLAUSE
That's marvellous! The terrific Ray Purchase, there, and Steven Toast.
Now, we're very lucky to welcome some very special guests here tonight -
His Royal Highness, the Prince of Wales
and the Duchess of Cornwall.
APPLAUSE
What did you get Charles and Camilla?
What?
What did you get Charles and Camilla?
You were supposed to give them a gift, remember?
Oh, shit.
Oh, you forgot, didn't you? You bloody idiot!
Well done, Toast. Terrific work, very moving.
I got a real sense of Egypt.
Did you see Spacey?
Yes, he was in the middle of the front row.
I was sitting right behind him, he was clapping all the way through.
LAUGHS
Hollywood, here I come! Aah...
Ah, Toast. The royal couple are almost here.
Did you get them a present? I hope you didn't forget.
He did forget, because he's a complete cunt!
Mind the language, Purchase. Sorry, Bob.
This is bloody serious, Toast! Sometimes the joking has to stop!
Ah, your Royal Highnesses, this is Steven Toast.
Ah, Toast. He has a gift for you,
which he'd like to present
on behalf of the Friends of the Regency Theatre.
Oh.
RUSTLING
GASPS A pair of tits!
A pair of tits.
A pair of tits?
They're not real tits, though.
They're just plastic ones, like Paul Gascoigne used to wear.
COUGHING
Er, a man went to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor says, "I have some very bad news, you're going to die."
God.
The man says, "How long am I gonna live?"
The doctor said, "Ten." The man said, "What, months, weeks?"
The doctor said, "No... Nine, eight, seven..."
Aagh! Monkhouse!
Toast!
Ha!
Oh, whose are these? Bloody hilarious, man!
What do you think, Charlie?
LAUGHS
Really unwise of you, Toast, to open that trapdoor.
Bob is dead, rather like his zombie wife.
So is Bob Monkhouse now a zombie?
This is no time to discuss
whether Bob Monkhouse is now a zombie like his wife.
You can kiss goodbye to any ideas of an MBE or CBE after your name.
DOA, more likely, and as for a knighthood, huh!
But Kevin Spacey. What about him? I mean, he loved my performance.
Any word?
Kevin Spacey, Jane!
Oh, I may have made a slight error on that one, Toast.
Oh, God. What?!
Well, you know I said I was sitting behind him in the theatre?
Yes, you were sat behind him, while he was adoring my performance, and...?
Well, I presumed it was Kevin Spacey,
but I subsequently discovered it was actually the comedian Bob Mortimer.
Who?
Bob Mortimer? He does look very like Spacey, especially from behind.
GROWLS
LULLABY
Better?
So what the shit happened with Spacey?
Well, apparently he went to Afghanistan on a humanitarian mission.
Unlike you, he does a lot of work for charity.
So he was visiting some good Afghans
who live on the left-hand side of the road...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
As opposed to Afghans that live on the right-hand side of the road?
Oh, the bad Afghans live on the right-hand side of the road.
I see. Anyway,
nobody's heard from him in days.
I do hope he turns up again.
DOOR CLOSES
Toast...