(TlCKlNG)
MALE RADlO ANNOUNCER: Last week, Flash Gordon
defended the Witch Queen Azura
from the attack of the Death dwarfs.
Paul, having proclaimed himself King of Blue Magic Land
offered John the Hawkman the command of the army...
(DlSTORTED CHATTERlNG)
(PAUL THE DOG BARKS)
(SNlFFlNG)
(WHlMPERlNG)
(BARKlNG)
YOUNG TARA: Go on, then, Paul.
Don't be long.
(PAUL THE DOG BARKlNG)
YOUNG TARA: Paul?
(HlGH-PlTCHED BEEPlNG)
Paul?
Paul.
(PAUL THE DOG YELPS)
(PUNK ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)
(GRUNTlNG)
(BOTH SCOFFlNG)
(GRUNTlNG)
(WAR CRY)
(ALL CHEERlNG)
- He winked at me! He winked at me! - Whoo!
l love it here.
You know, it feels so...
- Right. - Yeah.
We're 5,339 miles from home
and yet, somehow, l feel like we belong.
l know what you mean.
l think this is probably the most fun l have ever had.
l'm so glad we came, Clive.
Clive?
- May l? - Be my guest.
- Thank you. - l was over there, on my own.
That there is the Black Vampire.
Watch out.
She bites.
How much?
$1 ,349.99.
Aren't you gonna get it?
(SPEAKlNG KLlNGON)
Fair enough.
l can't believe we're gonna meet Adam Shadowchild.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) l know. He's, like, the coolest man in the world.
Thank you.
Come forth. Welcome, my friends.
l just wanted to say that the Planet Fall trilogy has been a huge influence
on me and on my work.
Don't tell me. You're a writer.
- l am, yeah. - Well, good.
He actually won a Nebulon Award in 1992.
For best science fiction short story by a male under 16.
- l'm working on a follow-up. - Oh.
Oh, l'd love to see that.
Not today.
No, no. lt's a legal thing.
l'm sure it's good.
That is a wonderful cover. Three tits.
Awesome.
- That was Graeme, my illustrator. - l'm an artist.
l'm hoping to complete it soon.
l'm just having a bit of trouble with the ending.
Well, a wise man said,
"You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream."
Who said that?
l did. l just said that.
MALE SECURlTY GUARD: Move along, please, guys.
Yes.
- Very nice to meet you. - No, no...
Thank you.
- You bought a book? - No.
Then fuck off.
Let's get a picture of you, me and Adam.
- Okay, ready. - Ready.
- (EXCLAlMS) - (CLlCKS)
(ROMANTlC MUSlC PLAYlNG)
GRAEME: Yes.
Yes.
- ls that the RV place? - Yes.
And there's definitely two single beds?
Because there's been a bit of a mix-up at the hotel.
Okay. Excellent. Thank you very much.
And have a nice day to you, as well.
- ls it here? - lt's in the car park.
l think you mean "the parking lot."
(lN FORCED AMERlCAN ACCENT) l sure do.
l did my American voice.
(SlGHS)
lt's amazing, isn't it? We're actually here. America.
Huh?
How long have we dreamt about this?
- Since we were kids. - Yeah.
Now look at us. Grown men.
(DOORBELL BUZZlNG)
BOTH: Pizza!
- Hi! - Hiya!
- Good evening, sir. - Come on in.
- Where can l set this down? - You could put it on the bed.
You guys on honeymoon?
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
No.
No, silly. We're just friends.
GRAEME: We had a mix-up. The reservations were messed up.
Pop it on the table here. Let me clear that.
- Ah, going on a road trip? - Yeah. Yes.
What better way to follow Comic-Con
than a tour ofAmerica's most famous UFO hotspots?
Huh?
We're going to Area 51 and the Black Mailbox in Nevada,
then down to Camp Verde, then to Apache Junction
and then on down to Roswell, New Mexico for the site of the famous crash of '47.
- No. - Everybody knows that.
Stop it! lt's an alleged site at this point.
Why would they admit there was a crash,
if the crash happened somewhere else?
BOTH: Let's just agree to disagree, all right?
That's what we always say at the end.
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
Do you believe in aliens?
What do you mean, "aliens"?
(BUZZlNG LlPS)
l'll sign that check, shall l?
Get that out of your way. Pizza grease on a map is the worst thing.
(BOTH SlGHlNG)
We should turn in. We got an early start in the morning.
Yeah.
What do you think you're gonna dream about?
Oh, the open road. High adventure. That kind of thing.
Mmm.
- You? - Wonder Woman.
- Please don't. - Okay.
- You ready? - Yeah.
Okay. And...
BOTH: Three, two, one.
What an amazing Con.
That, my friend, was just the beginning.
Here you go.
That's not ours.
No?
No. That's ours.
(HORN HONKlNG)
Fucking orcs!
(BOTH GRUNTlNG)
That one.
(GROANlNG)
(GRUNTlNG)
CLlVE: Oh.
GRAEME: Oh! People!
(THUNDER RUMBLlNG)
GRAEME: Smile.
(CLlCKS)
"Watch the skies" or "Alien on board"?
(ROCK AND ROLL MUSlC PLAYlNG)
"Alien on board," please.
Okay. lf you're sure.
So, how was Comic-Con?
We met Adam Shadowchild.
Who the hell is Adam Shadowchild?
Oh, hewrote The Venusian Pangenesis.
l didn't read that one.
Jenny Starpepper and the Great Brass Hen?
No.
The Robot's Mistress?
l like romances.
That's kind of a romance.
- Between a woman and a machine? - Yeah.
l hear that. (LAUGHlNG)
(CHUCKLES)
Do you get a lot of UFO types around here?
Some.
Do you believe?
Oh, yes, l do.
Been a lot of strange happenings in these parts.
Ah, it'd be a shame if we were the only souls in the universe.
Probability alone suggests not.
You know, there are 200 billion galaxies in the observable universe.
Oh.
Makes you think, doesn't it?
BOTH: What?
Where is everybody?
- Boo! - (BOTH YELL)
- Oh. - (PAT LAUGHS)
Gotcha.
So, you fellows set or can l get you something else?
Oh, l think l would like a refill of coffee, please, Pat.
All right, then. How about you, pumpkin?
Can l have an E.T. Malt, please?
Mmm. You want that with a sparkler?
- Yeah. - (LAUGHS)
l will take that as a yes.
l think l might do a toilet.
(CLlVE LAUGHlNG)
Pretty funny.
He's sitting right there on top of that bull,
and he goes, "(STAMMERlNG) Cut her loose."
What?
l don't know you.
Ooh.
Comics.
JAKE: What was that about?
How you think that makes me feel?
Be rude to me?
Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
Ooh! Eggy,
an alien just sicked up in my palms.
Clive...
CLlVE: (LAUGHlNG) What?
- l'm joking. - Stop it.
They've got a soap dispenser in there shaped like an alien's head. lt's brilliant!
- (WHlSPERlNG) Someone's here. - What?
PAT: Here it comes!
(PAT MlMlCKlNG SPACESHlP ENGlNE)
(LAUGHS)
What in...
Hey, fellas! How you doing today?
What is this, some kind of gay bar?
No. Just a place where you can get a bite to eat
and maybe share a close encounter.
Yeah. lt sounds like a gay bar.
(LAUGHS) Oh, no, we're just friends.
PAT: So, you guys look like you could do with a couple beers.
You go do that.
All right. You do that.
Yes.
Get a sip. l'll get this.
GRAEME: Just leave it.
CLlVE: Thank you very much.
- What are you doing? - (GRAEME CLEARS THROAT)
Don't you put those queer eyes on me.
l'm not. l forgot the sticker.
What took you so long?
- l was putting the sticker on. - Oh.
They were an odd pair, weren't they?
Yeah, definitely not my kind of people.
l doubt very much we'll be seeing them again.
- (CRASH) - Oh!
- That wasn't their truck, was it? - No.
- Should l go and have a look? - No!
The Black Mailbox.
CLlVE: Wow!
This is probably the coolest thing l've ever seen.
Do you remember when we Googled it on your mum's computer
and the phone rang and you thought it was the FBl?
l didn't really think it was the FBl.
- You started crying. - l had jet lag.
We'd only been to Brussels.
Go stand next to it. Yep.
Smile.
(CLlCKS)
Hey, imagine if we got buzzed by a craft.
That would be amazing, wouldn't it?
lt just hovers over us
and then all the coins in our pockets go magnetic, and then we get sunburned.
Then it just goes up really quickly.
(MlMlCKlNG SPACESHlP FLYlNG)
(MlMlCKlNG SPACESHlP DlSAPPEARlNG)
Smile!
(CLlCKS)
What would you do if they actually landed?
Well, first contact is a big responsibility, isn't it?
They come in peace, we go to pieces? Uh-uh.
That's not how l roll.
- No. - (TlRES SCREECHlNG)
(HORN HONKlNG)
What's that?
Do you think that's those men?
No.
We've seen enough.
Let's go.
Go, go, go!
(HORN HONKlNG)
Oh, they're gaining.
This is like Deliverance!
They're going to rape us and break our arms!
l don't want my arms broken!
- l need the toilet. - You've just been!
You know l've got a child's bladder.
(HORN CONTlNUES HONKlNG)
Don't let them get past!
- What do you want me to do, ram them? - What about the deposit?
- lt's not them! lt's not them! - Ah!
- Oh, my God. - (BOTH LAUGHlNG)
- That was awful! - (TlRES SCREECHlNG)
That was terrifying!
(BOTH SCREAMlNG)
(BRAKES SCREECHlNG)
(EXHALES)
(RV DOOR OPENS)
(RV DOOR CLOSES)
(BOTH COUGHlNG)
GRAEME: Hello?
- (WHlSPERS) Maybe you should call for help. - Yeah.
(DlALlNG)
lt's ringing.
PAUL: l wouldn't do that if l were you.
(BOTH GASP)
(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)
(GULPS)
Put the phone down.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, fuck me.
- What have you done to him? - l didn't do anything to him. He fainted.
(STAMMERlNG) Yeah, but you made him faint!
Yes. But it's not like l set my phaser to "Faint." (CHUCKLES)
You've got a phaser?
No, l don't... Look! Listen.
Hey, l really need your help, okay?
Can we get this guy back onto your wagon?
(STAMMERlNG)
Are you an alien?
To you, l am, yes.
Are you gonna probe us?
Why does everyone always assume that?
What am l doing? Am l harvesting farts? How much can l learn from an ass?
(STAMMERlNG) What?
l'm sorry. What's your name?
lt's Graeme Willy.
And what's his name?
That's the writer, Clive Gollings.
Okay, cool! l'm Paul.
Paul?
Yeah. lt's a nickname that stuck.
My ship crashed on a dog. lt doesn't matter!
Look! Can we get the writer, Clive Gollings, back on the RV
and get the hell out of here, please?
- l can't... - l'm in a hell of a pickle,
and if you don't help me, l could die on this road tonight.
l don't know. We're on quite a tight schedule.
(SlGHS) Look, man. Sometimes, you just gotta roll the dice.
What do you say?
- Okay. - Okay! Perfect! Great!
Okay, help me grab him.
This man has peed his pants.
Yeah, he's got a child's bladder.
Oh, fantastic.
Doesn't this thing go any faster?
Well, l'm sorry, the speed limit is 70, so...
Screw the speed limit! Actually, no. Ooh, yeah. Don't screw it.
That's good thinking. Okay? Stay inconspicuous. That's good.
How come l can understand you?
Are you using some sort of neural language router?
Actually, l'm speaking English, you fucking idiot.
- That's not nice. - That was mean.
Look, l'm little tense. l was just involved in a major car crash.
That was your fault.
l can't reach the pedals. My legs are too little.
l had to use the parking brake, okay?
l'm sorry. You're in shock right now.
l understand this must be very weird for you.
Just act normal and drive north, okay?
We gotta get as much distance as we can between us and the Big Guy.
(LlCKS)
(SPlTS)
WOMAN ON RADlO: Zoil? What's happening?
- He's gone. - Shit!
ZOIL: Looks like he hitched a ride, too.
- What do you mean? - Tire tracks.
Bastard jacked a native?
Could be two.
Don't you think this is all a bit of a coincidence?
Are you suggesting he knew?
Little fucker might have phoned home.
There might even be a rescue party on the way.
Zoil, we need to break out the big guns.
Do you think that that's wise? The last thing we need is
a hoo-ha.
WOMAN: Maybe you're right.
Listen, l got two rookies on a special mission 75 clicks north of you.
l'll have them set up a roadblock.
These are just civilians. Why don't you let me take care of it?
You might need the extra muscle.
Just keep them in the dark. l don't want any loose ends.
These roads can be treacherous at night.
People get into accidents all the time.
l like your thinking. Get it done.
Heads up. We just got reassigned.
Nice.
What about the sandwich?
- She said we can share it. - Oh, l love this job.
Mmm-hmm.
(POP MUSlC PLAYlNG ON RV STEREO)
(URlNATlNG)
(SNlFFlNG)
(PAUL SlGHS lN RELlEF)
(PAUL EXHALES)
(TOlLET FLUSHlNG)
- (DOOR OPENS) - PAUL: Man, l needed that.
l love pistachios.
l hate it when you get a closed one, right?
GRAEME: l usually just bite them.
PAUL: No. You don't do that at all.
You tap them, if they don't open on their own, you throw them away.
GRAEME: No, that's mussels.
No, it's pistachios.
- What the fuck? - Clive, stop it! What are you doing?
What are you?
(SPEAKlNG KLlNGON)
He's okay. He's fine. He's friendly. His name's Paul.
(GASPlNG FOR BREATH)
Aliens aren't called "Paul."
Was that Klingon? You psychotic nerd!
Paul is from a small M-class planet
in the northern spiral arm of the Andromeda Galaxy.
Thank you.
He looks too obvious.
There's a reason for that, Clive.
Over the last 60 years the human race has been drip-fed images of my face
on lunchboxes and T-shirts and shit.
lt's in case our species do meet, you don't have a fucking spaz attack!
l did not have a spaz attack!
- GRAEME: Don't do it again! - That's my fucking jorph.
Get your fucking fingers out of there! lf l get a jorph infection, you're dead!
- Oh, my God! (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) - Oh, shit!
Paul.
Paul?
O'RElLLY: Okay, okay. This could be it. So, what are we looking for, again?
HAGGARD: l don't know.
- What brings you to USA? - We're on holiday.
We've been to Comic-Con.
- HAGGARD: Comic-Con? Don't tell O'Reilly. - (SNlFFlNG)
- He loves that dweeb shit. - Oh.
You guys know Benny Hill?
- No. - No.
O'RElLLY: Oh, my God! Look at this!
- What? - Look at this!
HAGGARD: What?
These guys have met Adam Shadowchild.
Who the hell is Adam Shadowchild?
Hewrote The Jupiter Praxis.
What?
Jenny Starpepper and the Huge White Gibbon?
Huh?
Night of the Moths?
Are you speaking English? What are you talking about?
Brilliant! What was he like?
He was a bit intense.
Well, he's an artist.
Let me see this. What is this, nerd porn?
- No, that's Clive's... - lt's my novel.
Okay.
Ha. Three tits. That's awesome.
You guys should have given her four tits.
That's just sick.
l was just saying.
Hey, do you think this is it?
Doubtful. What else did you find in there?
Not much. Just some pissy jeans.
- Clive's got a child's... - Shut up.
Sorry.
- Okay. You guys can go. - BOTH: Thank you.
Can l have my... Thank you very much.
May l ask what you're searching for?
No.
CLlVE: Thank you. Come on, Graeme.
(LAUGHS) Way to go, Dirty Harry!
That was all right, right?
- All right? That was great energy, man. - Yeah. lt was. (GROANS lN DlSGUST)
That's it... (GROANS) ls right. lt was like... (EXCLAlMS) Not... (GROANS)
- l thought it was okay. - No, you're thinking about it too much.
- You think so? Mmm-hmm. - Oh, God. They were shaking in their boots.
l think it's pretty obvious what happened there, isn't it?
ls it?
The government used some kind of neurotoxic paint on the Black Mailbox.
lt caused us to suffer a shared hallucination about an alien.
lt makes complete sense.
- PAUL: Wrong! - (BOTH SCREAMlNG)
- Oh! - (TlRES SCREECHlNG)
- (YAWNlNG) - (MlMlCKlNG LASER GUN FlRlNG)
Your dick is gone.
Hmm. Your balls are gone.
- (MlMlCS FARTlNG) - (MlMlCS WHOOSHlNG)
Oh, no!
PAUL: What?
Come on, grow up. You guys seen my shorts?
How did you do that? How did you go invisible?
Oh, it's a camouflage response.
What, like, Predator?
Exactly! Although l can only do it while l'm holding my breath.
But you can do it any time you want?
(MlMlCKlNG PREDATOR) Any time.
(LAUGHS)
- (MlMlCS MACHlNE MOVEMENT) - GRAEME: That's just like him.
(MlMlCS PREDATOR GRUNTlNG)
(EXCLAlMS lN FRUSTRATlON) Am l the only sane person here?
Eh?
lt's all right for you, isn't it? You'll go back to Area 51.
We'll be arrested for harboring a fugitive and sent to Guantanamo Bay!
Why don't l go make some bagels and coffee?
Leave you two alone.
(PAUL HUMMlNG)
What's the matter, Clive?
There is an alien in the kitchenette, making bagels and coffee.
- Did you want tea? - No, l don't want tea!
Right, because tea is weird in America.
- They leave the bag in. - (PAUL WHlSTLlNG TUNE)
What's weird, Graeme, is the fact that we've picked up an extraterrestrial hitchhiker
and you seem completely fine with it!
(SlNGlNG) Bagels and coffee
Ooh! Marmite!
He said his life's in danger. He needs our help, you know?
Sometimes, you've just gotta roll the dice.
What if we wake up and find him inserting a probe into our anus?
Apparently, they don't do that.
PAUL: Anyone want one of these?
Eh? Anyone? Anyone?
Eh?
Forty-eight, 49, 50.
Coming! Ready or not, you son of a bitch.
- Where's the other one? - l don't know, sir.
Haggard!
Sorry, it's just, we were...
Haggard!
(WHlSPERS) Fuck.
(O'RElLLY LAUGHS)
Nice.
(WHlSPERlNG) Get over here. lt's a guy with a badge.
We were just playing hide and seek, because we had a lot of time.
(WHlSPERS) Hurry up!
l was hiding. (CLEARS THROAT)
You have any traffic through here?
No, just a couple of hillbilly types and two nerds in an RV.
Nerds, huh?
Yes, they were coming from Comic-Con. They met Adam Shadowchild.
Who the hell is Adam Shadowchild?
Hewrote Prisonhulk Four-Forty-One, okay?
Jenny Starpepper and the Spitting Worm. Fluxing Uranus.
You know you're a grown man, right?
Probably shave, pay taxes, have pubic hair?
All of those things.
- Did you search that vehicle? - O'RElLLY: Yes, sir.
- What did you find? - Nothing much.
Just a book with a green woman with three titties.
Titties. Three titties.
Three tits. That's awesome.
Oh, and some pissy jeans.
- Guy pissed himself. - Close that.
l don't know if he had a pre-existing problem or...
Listen to me, Frik and Fuck.
l want everything you can remember about the pissy nerds, okay?
We're leaving.
What about the roadblock, sir?
lt didn't work.
(HAGGARD SlGHS)
We gotta take down that roadblock. lt didn't work.
l'm standing right next to you.
- (HORN HONKlNG) - (YELLS)
Hey!
Reese's Pieces! Yes!
Thank you.
(CHATTERlNG ON POLlCE RADlO)
CHRlS: l heard there was a commotion on the road after Rachel.
TROOPER: Funny, l didn't hear nothing.
- lt must have been the boys out at the base. - Yeah.
- Hey. - (GASPS)
(SHUSHES)
- That's a bit much, isn't it? - What?
- Put it all back. - Oh.
Except the donuts and the chocolate milk.
And the burritos, Cheetos and Fritos.
- What about Paul's Reese's Pieces? - Just hurry up. Please.
No, you go right ahead.
Are you sure? Thank you. Thank you.
- That beast outside yours? - BOTH: What?
- GRAEME: What do you mean "beast"? - Your RV?
Oh, the... Yes. The RV is...
No... Yes.
Where are you boys from?
- England. - England.
l heard about England. No guns.
- Not many. - Not really.
Just, you know, farmers.
How are police supposed to shoot anybody?
- They don't. - They try not to.
(CASH REGlSTER DlNGS)
That'll be $15.58.
$20. Just keep the change, and give it to charity, or something.
PAUL: You did amazing, Graeme!
That cop didn't suspect a thing!
And, Clive,
you didn't pee your pants.
l don't mean to be a stick in the mud, but you are asking a lot of us, all right?
We've only just met, we don't know where we're going, or why.
You don't think we're due an explanation?
Look, the less you guys know, the better.
l want you to have plausible deniability.
(SlGHS)
Let's just say l spent a long time at that base thinking l was a guest.
Turns out
l was a prisoner.
But don't worry. l got it all under...
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
(BRAKES SCREECHlNG)
Fuck, that made me jump.
Poor little thing!
Nothing you could've done, mate.
What you doing?
PAUL: Just watch.
(GRUNTlNG)
(CHlRPlNG)
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
lt's a miracle!
(EXCLAlMS lN DlSGUST)
- (PAUL GRUNTS) - (GASPS)
Man, l'm gonna miss these. Mmm.
(EXCLAlMlNG lN DELlGHT)
Why would you do that?
l'm not going to eat a dead bird, am l?
(COUGHS)
(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG ON RV STEREO)
PAUL: (SlNGlNG ALONG) Going out of my mind
You got me thinking that l'm wasting my time
Don't bring me down
Come on, guys!
11 :00, 12:00! 11 :00, 12:00!
Come on! lt's fun!
lf you think about it, it's time travel.
11 :00, 12:00!
Yes! All right!
PAUL: Let me see. GRAEME: No, just sit still.
You gonna draw me like one of your French girls, Jack?
(KlSSlNG)
l'm joking. l'm sorry.
Just don't make me look fat, okay? Earth's gravity adds 10 pounds.
Paul, could l ask you a question?
PAUL: Shoot!
Have you ever done that to a person?
Yes, l've eaten many people.
l'm joking, big guy. Relax.
No, l mean, fix them.
Oh. No. Not a dead person.
Recently dead bird? That's one thing. Dead person? Whole other ball game.
lt's actually really dangerous for me. The damage can bounce back onto me and...
(CLlVE YAWNlNG)
Oh, l'm sorry. Am l boring you? Have you heard this one before?
Are you tired, Sausage?
Don't call me that in front of him.
Are you tired, though?
Eggy, l'm bushed.
You know what? We're all tired.
Let's just pull over and stop for the night, huh?
We're fugitives, Paul, all right?
l refuse to just sit around and wait to get fingered by the Men in Black.
PAUL: We just gotta find somewhere quiet. We won't draw attention to ourselves.
CLlVE: (SlGHS) But where are we going, Paul?
Oh, you'll know it when you see it.
O'RElLLY: Two white guys? CHRlS: Two strange white guys.
O'RElLLY: Strange white guys. Got it. Order anything weird?
TROOPER: Chocolate milk.
- Chocolate... Chocolate? Chocolate... - (CAMERA CLlCKlNG)
WOMAN ON RADlO: Zoil, report.
We've tracked him to a gas station in Ely.
We think he may be traveling in an RV with two men from England.
WOMAN: New England?
Old England.
Creepy. What are they, Ml6?
Negative. Just a couple of nerds on the lam from Comic-Con.
WOMAN: My sister's kid went to that.
Little manga faggot.
Zoil, something doesn't feel right. l think he had help on the inside.
(RADlO STATlC)
l want those nerds iced
and that little green prick either back in his fishbowl or dead ASAP.
ZOIL: l'm closing in. l can feel it.
ln 24 hours he's gonna wish he never set foot on planet Earth.
WOMAN: Good.
GRAEME: Okay. Here we are. This is the place.
PAUL: Yeah, this looks good.
lt doesn't look like anyone's been murdered here.
(GRAEME SlGHS)
Awfully quiet.
Quiet's good, Graeme. Quiet's our friend.
Hi, there.
- (GASPS) - (PAUL GASPS)
(WHlSPERS) There's a girl outside.
(lNHALES)
Okay. All right. Look.
We're just a couple of regular guys
on a tour of the less touristy side of the American Midwest.
l don't think she heard you.
l'm talking to you.
Oh, sorry.
Hi. l'm Ruth Buggs.
Good evening, Ruth. l am the writer, Clive Gollings.
This is my friend and cohort, Mr. Graeme Willy.
Hi.
Have you got room?
Sure. Yeah, park in bay nine.
lt's $25 a night, including hookups
and l'll need an lD to hold onto.
Okay.
(RUTH CHUCKLES)
We're just a couple of regular guys
on a tour of the less touristy side of the American Midwest.
- How exciting. - l know.
CLlVE: There you go. lt's my passport.
The UK. l love the UK.
- GRAEME: Have you been? - No.
You should go.
Oh. Okay.
No, no, l meant, you should go to London.
There's a lot of places l want to go.
MOSES: Ruth! Ruth! Get in here!
l'll be by in the morning to get your money
so have a pleasant evening now, won't you?
CLlVE: Thank you. GRAEME: Thank you.
- Bye. - GRAEME: And you. Bye.
She was lovely.
Why don't you just marry her, then?
- Boo! - (EXCLAlMS)
PAUL: Every time, it works!
That was 30 seconds ago, l did it.
(CHATTERlNG ON TV)
- MOSES: What took you so long? - l was just talking, Papa.
Well, you talk too much.
Sorry, Papa.
(POP MUSlC PLAYlNG ON RV STEREO)
Huh?
Hello.
- You want a cigarette? - No, thanks. l don't smoke.
- Can l ask you something? - Yeah, sure.
- You and Graeme, are you guys... - What?
You know... (CLlCKlNG TONGUE)
You know! You guys, two guys...
(GAGGlNG)
Fucking kidding me?
(GROANlNG)
(MOANlNG)
(CHUCKLlNG) What are you...
(CONTlNUES MOANlNG)
- l don't know what you mean. - Gay!
No! Why do people keep saying that?
No, l was just wondering.
lt's totally cool if you are. Everyone's bi on my planet.
lt's all about the pleasure thing. You know what l'm saying?
Why are you here, Paul?
Oh, l was here on a science mission, actually,
and then l had some spaceship-related problems,
and l kind of crashed.
(CHUCKLES) Lucky for me though, this little girl,
she pulls me out of the wreck.
Next thing l know, guys arrive, cart me off to the base.
(SCOFFlNG CHUCKLE)
What have you been doing here all this time?
l've been kicking back, man. l've been shooting the shit.
l've been advising the government.
Not just the government.
SPlELBERG ON RADlO: l want him to have some kind of a special power.
Something messianic.
Okay, Steven, how about cellular revivification?
Yeah, I don't know what that is.
Oh. Restoration of damaged tissue
through telepathic manipulation of intrinsic field memory.
- What's that mean? - lt means healing, Mr. Spielberg.
Yeah, right. Healing.
By touch, or something like that.
Maybe his finger lights up at the end when he reaches out and touches?
Maybe. You know, sometimes l find less is more.
Hey. Trust me.
You'd be surprised how much he's influenced popular culture
over the last 60 years.
Agent Mulder was right.
- Agent Mulder was my idea! - Really?
- Wow! - Yeah!
That's cool.
Pump that shit, Earth-man. l like this song. Mmm.
Marvin's my boy.
(DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Come on. Break it down a bit, boys.
Don't be afraid.
Yeah, look at me, l'm breaking it down.
Use them tongs.
Dance with those tongs.
Stoke the fire!
Ooh! Ooh!
Yes.
(PAUL HUMMlNG)
Yee-haw!
(PAUL LAUGHlNG)
(PAUL SlNGlNG NONSENSlCALLY)
MOSES: Ruth! Prayers!
PAUL: l don't know the words to this song.
No one does!
(CLlVE AND GRAEME LAUGHlNG)
PAUL: Hey! Guys, let's get fucked up.
(SNORlNG)
- (KNOCKlNG ON DOOR) - (GROANS)
Oh, who's knocking? Stop it.
- What are you doing? - Oh, shut up.
(GRUNTlNG)
PAUL: l'll hide in here.
- Don't come out. - PAUL: Why would l come out?
- Who is it? - lt's Ruth.
Ooh... Don't you dare open that door.
- Hi. - Hello.
Good morning. May l come in?
- No. l don't think you should come in. - Yeah. Make yourself at home.
- l'm not really dressed. - Sure. ln you come.
Oh, was everything okay?
- Yes it was. lt was very nice. The best. Ever. - Yes, thank you. Adequate.
So, where's the other one?
The other one? lt's just...
Oh, oh. lt's okay, we don't charge by the person.
There were three shadows l saw dancing around the RV last night, right?
- The other one. The other one. - Oh... He...
PAUL: l'm in the can. l ate a closed pistachio.
(FARTlNG)
l'm paying for it.
(CHUCKLES)
- That's a nice T-shirt. - Oh, thanks. l got it at my church.
lt's Jesus shooting Charles Darwin.
Why would Jesus want to shoot Charles Darwin?
Because of his blasphemous theories.
Are you men of God?
We're men of science, you know.
We believe in the establishment of a biological order
through the maelstrom of physical and chemical chaos.
God created the Earth in six days, and on the seventh day he rested.
PAUL: Really?
(FARTlNG)
Or it could be God. You don't know, do you? lt's up in the air.
The world is 4,000 years old and can only be the product of intelligent design.
- PAUL: Oh, that's horseshit. - Oh!
(SCOFFS)
All right, well, then,
please explain how something as complex as the human eye
simply just comes into being. (LAUGHS)
PAUL: Oh, don't give me that old irreducible complexity crap.
Something as intricate as that does not just occur
without the intervention of a guiding hand.
lt didn't just occur!
lt is the culmination of billions of years of development
- across countless fucking species. - (GASPS)
What are you talking about?
- Evolution, baby. - Oh!
- Blasphemy! - Oh, yeah.
Nothing that you can say or do can shake my belief or faith
in the sure and certain knowledge that God made heaven and earth
and created us all in His own image.
- Oh, his own image? - Yeah.
Well, l got a question.
How do you explain me?
(GASPS)
She's going, she's falling. Catch...
And that's Jenga.
- Why did you do that? - (STAMMERlNG) She fainted!
We've gone through this! They faint!
But we're going to have to take her with us now!
No! No!
This is America. Kidnapping a Christian? That's worse than harboring a fugitive.
But she's seen you. lf we leave her, she's going to call the police!
Who gives a shit? No one's going to believe this God-bothering Cyclops.
Let's just dump her on the road! Just roll her up in the rug.
We can't risk that! lf we take her with us, then we can get her on our side!
You'd love to get her on her side, wouldn't you?
That doesn't make sense.
Look. She'll be fine. We're quite nice.
All right. What about my passport?
Oh, God! You guys.
PAUL: Mmm-hmm.
(GASPS) No!
(GRUNTS)
(EXCLAlMS)
(LAUGHS) Oh, shit.
Ruth, what in the Lord's name...
- Morning. - Morning.
(lNHALES)
(GASPS)
Go, go, go!
Oh, fuck. (lNHALES)
MOSES: Show yourself, demon!
GRAEME: Where are you? Where are you?
PAUL: Passport! Passport!
Jump! Jump!
(PAUL GRUNTlNG)
- (BOTH SCREAMlNG) - (GASPS)
What? That's actually small on my planet.
(GROANS)
(PANTlNG)
GRAEME: (ECHOlNG) Ruth?
Hello, Ruth, would you like a cup of tea?
Where am l?
Hey, look who's awake.
Demon! Demon!
GRAEME: (STAMMERlNG) We're sorry. We're not going to hurt you, l promise.
And we'll let you go just as soon as we can.
You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself.
- He's evil! - l'm sitting right here, come on!
No, he's not evil, he's just a bit rude. We're trying to help him get home.
He's from another world.
There's only one world, our world! The world that our God, the Father, created!
lf it makes you feel any better
my existence only disproves traditional notions
of the Abrahamic, Judeo-Christian God,
as well as all one-world theologies. That's all l meant.
(SlNGlNG) Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
- You can't win with these people! - (RUTH CONTlNUES SlNGlNG)
Ruth, just listen to me, for one second. Please, if you could just calm down.
- (ALL CHATTERlNG) - l can't drive like this.
(BABBLlNG)
She's talking in tongues now? Fuck this.
(SCREECHlNG)
- Oh. - (PAUL GRUNTS)
(GROANlNG)
What did you do to her?
l just transferred my collective knowledge and experience
via a tactile psychokinetic bridge.
Ooh, wow, could you do me?
lt really takes it out of me.
- Oh, go on, please. - (GRUNTS)
(PAUL GRUNTS)
Oh, wow!
Oh, yeah.
He always knew what was going on in Battlestar before me
'cause his mum had cable.
Fine, pull over. l'll do you.
Absolutely not. No spoilers.
MOSES: l didn't call the government. l called the police!
This is not the police's area of expertise, Mr. Buggs.
- That devil took my daughter. - What do you mean, devil?
And your daughter's name is Ruth, is it?
That's right. l brought her up by myself after her mama died.
ZOlL: Do you have a photograph of Ruth, sir?
Yeah. She's pretty easy to spot.
She's had this eye thing since she was four years old.
ZOlL: Didn't want to take her to a doctor for that?
The good Lord is the only doctor she'll ever need.
Copy that. Do you have a phone here
that your daughter might try to reach you at if she decides to call?
Yeah, in the back.
Hey, Peter Parker. Want to put the snappy down and get to the phone?
(EXHALES) Right.
MOSES: She'll call me if she can.
ZOlL: You mentioned they went east? MOSES: That's right.
- (CELL PHONE RlNGlNG) - They'll get off the 191 after Flaming Gorge
if they ain't on the interstate.
There's been a big-rig spill...
(HAGGARD READlNG)
ZOlL: Here we go. Boys, to the car.
Thank you very, very much for your time, sir.
Promise me you'll kill that thing, Mr. Zoil. Kill it for what it is.
We're gonna do our best.
- l've seen its eyes. - Mmm-hmm.
lt's evil.
Godspeed, Mr. Zoil.
First 48 are crucial.
Sir, you mind telling us what we're looking for?
Yeah, what are we looking for?
l told you this is a need-to-know operation.
Yes, sir, but...
Damn it.
(STATlC)
HAGGARD ON SCANNER: Sir, l think it's time you tell us.
ZOlL: Hey, just do what the fuck l tell you, Haggard.
Now let's go find that crazy old bastard's little girl before it's too late.
Ruth!
Ruth, wait!
Leave me alone!
Please, please, stop. l've got shin splints.
(GROANlNG)
He cannot be from space! lt's not possible.
He's from somewhere else.
Ruth, you saw it for yourself, okay? He showed you.
There's probably billions of intelligent civilizations out there.
(SCOFFS) So where is everybody? Hmm?
But one of them's there!
PAUL: Are they looking? Are they looking?
Are they looking right now? (LAUGHlNG)
Sorry.
That's pathetic.
What's your beef, Clive?
l don't have a beef.
(CHUCKLES)
l'm from outer space. You're a science-fiction writer.
We should be best buds.
lt's not you.
lt's me.
(lNAUDlBLE)
ls that what this is? You're jealous? Of her?
CLlVE: lt's not just that.
PAUL: Whoa.
Of me?
This is because me and Graeme
got two minutes of face-time while you were sleeping?
- ls that what this is? - l wanted this to be special, you know?
l have dreamt about meeting you
(CHUCKLES) ever since l saw Mac and Me.
And l blew it.
Now you two are friendly, and he's off talking to girls
and it's like, where am l?
Come on, man.
This is special.
You guys being all nerdy and shit and meeting me. That is fate.
Who cares if you pissed your pants, man?
When l first got here, first time l saw a human, l puked.
You guys are weird looking.
You have giant bodies. You have tiny, little, tiny heads.
- You're just being nice now. - (LAUGHS) No.
Look, you want a little sugar?
(NERVOUS GROAN)
lt's just knowledge and experience, man.
You're a writer. Might give you some inspiration.
Will it hurt?
Only if you struggle.
All right.
(GRUNTS)
(HORN HONKlNG)
So, everything that l have been told my whole life
is just a big fat lie.
Do you know how that feels?
Just because your truth isn't a true truth doesn't mean that there is no truth, Ruth.
- That's easy for you to say. - lt's really not.
So there's no heaven. No hell, no right, no wrong, no sin?
Well...
- l can drink? - lf you like.
- l can fornicate? - Maybe.
- l can curse? - Well, yeah.
- Penises! - Ruth.
Assing, hairy boobs, poop-farting buttholes!
Ruth, l'm not sure this is helping.
What are you doing?
- (EXCLAlMS) Stop it! - Why? Why should l stop?
(EXCLAlMS)
This is not...
Because you have your whole life to explore new things.
Okay?
lt doesn't necessarily mean you should be exploring mine right now.
You said you wanted to travel, to see new stuff? This is your chance.
l really think you should come with us.
Where would l sleep?
l'll sleep on the sofa. And then you can have my bed.
But l'd push the tissues off with a pen, if l were you, because l've had a cold.
Oh.
(REGGAE MUSlC PLAYlNG ON STEREO)
Ruth has decided that she would like to come with us.
(EXHALES)
Wicked.
l'm gonna go freshen up.
Hey, Ruth. Wait up.
You don't smoke.
l just wanted to say thanks.
l know this has been weird for you,
but you saved my life and l owe you one, okay?
Okay.
What have you got there, by the way?
Severe epiretinal membrane complicated by macular edema in your left vitreous cavity?
How did you know that?
Lucky guess.
Do you mind if l take a look at it for one second?
What does it say in the Old Testament? "An eye for an eye"?
- Wait, l don't... - lt's okay. You can trust me.
- l don't know... - Just have a little faith, okay?
(GRUNTlNG)
(CONTlNUES GRUNTlNG)
(GASPS) Oh!
How did you do that?
Evolution, baby.
(PAUL CHUCKLES)
- Graeme? - Yeah?
GRAEME: Oh, my God. Clive.
- CLlVE: Oh, my God. - (GRAEME LAUGHlNG)
(SNORlNG)
PAUL: What are you going to do? Come on. Make your move.
Oh, shit. Damn it.
(SNORlNG)
- (HORN BLARlNG) - (GASPS)
(SHUSHlNG)
PAUL: Hey, check it out! Check it out!
- Huh? - (TlRES SCREECHlNG)
This is easy.
(NERVOUS MOAN)
Small corrections, Paul. Just make small corrections.
PAUL: Graeme, hit the brakes!
Hey, there, sleepy face!
Fuckeroo. That was the best titty-farting sleep l have ever had.
l got a feeling that you're new to cursing, Ruth.
Look, cursing's fun. You just gotta pick your moments, okay?
Maybe we should stop for some food. ls anybody hungry?
- Fuck, yeah! - GRAEME: Ruth?
You bet your big, fat cock l am!
Nice!
CLlVE: l'm starving.
What's new, fatty?
- lt's not fat, Paul, it's power. - PAUL: Fat power.
- So rude. - PAUL: You're rude.
RUTH: Maybe l should call my dad.
- What? - What? Why?
l've been gone for a whole day
and if he calls the police, they're gonna be looking for us.
lf l don't, there's a good chance we could all end up in Shit-Butt City.
You're really getting the hang of this.
Thanks, dick milk.
(PAUL GROANS)
(MOTORCYCLE REVVlNG)
(WOMAN WHOOPlNG)
(BAND PLAYlNG COUNTRY MUSlC)
- l won't be long. - Okay. Be careful.
(RlNGlNG)
- ZOlL: Ruth Buggs? - Yes?
Listen to me carefully. l want you to tell me where you are.
Who is this?
My name is Agent Zoil,
and it's very important that you tell me where you are
and where you are headed, Ms. Buggs.
l can't tell you.
l mean, l don't know.
You've been abducted.
And the individual that you're traveling with is highly dangerous.
Oh, no, he's not dangerous.
I mean, he's kind of rude, he curses a Iot,
and a couple times l've seen him scratch his spaceman balls.
(LAUGHlNG)
Please listen to me. Your father is extremely worried about you
and we'd like to get you home, Ms. Buggs.
He showed me things.
She's talking about his spaceman balls.
You know l'm just trying to help you, right, Ruth?
l don't know what's real anymore. l'm confused.
- We got the bitch! - O'RElLLY: Yeah, dog! Up high!
ZOIL: Damn it, Haggard! Miss...
BOTH: Hey.
Whoa, slow down there, baby.
- Excuse me, l have to get to my friends. - Oh.
l got a friend down here that would love to meet you.
(LAUGHlNG)
Me, too.
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
Well, as much as l would like to meet your penises,
l'm in a hurry, so excuse me.
Now, this won't take long, sugar.
Nope. Won't take long at all.
Well, since you're both being so romantic, maybe l could
give it just a quick hello.
- (PUNCHES) - (GROANS) What the fuck? Shit!
Now, why would you even...
Ow! My balls!
(GUS AND JAKE YELLlNG)
- Hey. - GRAEME: Hey, how's your dad?
- We gotta go. - What about the mini pizzas?
- We gotta go now! - GUS: No, you don't!
Holy shit!
lt's the space faggots that dinged the fuck-mobile!
- Yeah. We were just leaving. - l don't feel well.
- JAKE: l don't think so. - Leave her alone!
GUS: Oh, shit! Sailors!
- Let's go. - Sorry!
Excuse me, miss.
Papa?
Ruth? My Lord! Your eye!
- Let's go! - What about my dad?
Let's go, boy!
JAKE: Where you going, girls?
Leave us alone, you stupid vaginas!
That's no way for a pretty little thing like you to talk!
She's fairly new to it, to be honest.
Leave this to me. l'll talk to them.
(BOTH GASP)
Yo, fucknuts!
lt's probing time.
Oh.
(SlREN WAlLlNG lN DlSTANCE)
Ha! Only one of us fainted.
Oh, shit! The five-O! Let's bounce.
l'm sorry. They answered the phone.
They knew about us.
Get in the RV.
- Come on, they're going to wake up! - Hurry!
CLlVE: Sorry!
PAUL: Okay. We need to get off the road.
- Shouldn't we keep moving? - No.
That is exactly what they'll expect us to do.
Trust me. Only an idiot would stop right now.
- Yeah, pull in here. Perfect. - CLlVE: What? Paul.
PAUL: We're idiots, remember?
What should we do now?
How about a hot chocolate and bed?
What are you, my grandma?
Oh, l couldn't sleep. l'm too pumped.
Yeah, me, too. Let's get some beers. Find somewhere to chill.
What do you say?
What if someone sees you?
lt's dead out there. And l can do this.
(lNHALES)
Okay. l'm in.
- PAUL: Rocky? - Sure.
PAUL: Bullwinkle?
l'm a little bit tired.
PAUL: Don't be a pussy.
(WHlSPERlNG) Don't call me a...
All right.
(SlRENS WAlLlNG)
Just get your hands off me!
ZOlL: Hoss?
Something l can help you with?
Yeah. You mind telling me what happened here?
Just a good old-fashioned beer-soaked slobberknocker.
See anything unusual?
A couple hillbilly types in the back of that meat wagon won't stop crying.
Have you gentlemen seen anything unusual this evening?
- Uh-uh. - Uh-uh.
Are we sure?
Mmm-hmm.
- Thank you. - No sweat.
(BOTH SCREAMlNG)
RUTH: lt's a nice window. GRAEME: lt's a little cowboy, isn't it?
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
GRAEME: That's funny.
l'll tell you what else is funny, was when you kissed me yesterday.
(BOTH CHUCKLlNG)
- Sorry. - No. lt's not...
l was like, "Get off me, you rapist."
- Do it again, if you like. - What?
l said you can do it again, if you like.
Really?
lf you're gonna try it, then maybe you should do it with a friend,
rather than someone like a stranger
because there's a lot of weirdos out there.
l am planning on doing a lot of kissing and fornicating
so you'd really be helping me out.
- Great. - Okay.
- (GASPS) What, now? - No, l thought you meant...
No, l did. Let's do it now.
- l mean... - Yeah, all right.
Put my hands on you.
Just stand here? Okay.
Hold you steady.
- (PAUL EXHALES) - (BOTH GASP)
Fuck!
l'm sorry. l thought l was gonna pass out. (EXHALES)
Carry on.
- What's happening? - Nothing, just hanging around.
They were about to make out. lt was awkward.
We were just...
Good. Please put your shorts on, Paul.
You guys partake?
No, thank you.
l'll partake.
Are you sure? (LAUGHlNG) lt's pretty strong shit.
l got it from the military, actually. This is the stuff that killed Dylan.
Bob Dylan's not dead.
lsn't he?
Hit me.
Okay. Just go easy on it.
Ruth.
Just a little bit. Little bit.
lt's not so bad.
To be fair, it takes a while to be absorbed into...
- (LAUGHlNG HYSTERlCALLY) - PAUL: Oh, shit.
(GASPS) l'm hungry. We should cook up some sausages.
- Do we have any sausages? - Uh...
- What do you mean by that? - No.
Why do you guys hate me? Can we cook up some sausages?
Ooh, l have wasps in my brain!
(CLATTERlNG)
She'll be fine. That happened to me the first time.
Paul.
l was wanting to ask. You know us now, right?
Yeah. Graeme, we're bona fide BFFs. (SPlTS)
(LAUGHS)
Why are you in such a hurry to leave now?
(EXHALES)
Well, according to the government, l've fulfilled my usefulness.
l told them everything l know.
The only thing l have left to offer them now are my abilities.
The healing, the thought transfer, the camouflage.
ln order to cultivate those abilities, they need some of my stem cells.
And l'm not really down with that.
Lucky for me, l do have one friend left on the inside.
So, l managed to get an SOS beamed into space.
l got my people primed and ready to pick me up.
Then, motherfuckers brought the procedure forward by a day,
my whole plan goes to shit.
What happened?
On the way to the mental labs, l zapped my escort, l stole his car, l took off.
Found you guys.
So what happens if you get caught?
Graeme, they're gonna cut out my brain.
Oh.
PAUL: Yeah. lt's fucked.
lt's kind of a buzz-kill.
Let's lighten the mood, shall we? Clive, when did you last get laid?
Oh. Mmm.
- Collectormania, London, '08. - '08.
Ewok chick. (CHUCKLES)
Clive likes boning space bears! (LAUGHlNG)
Shut up.
No, but seriously, be honest with me.
What was it like?
Well, she was furry nice.
(PAUL EXCLAlMS lN DlSGUST)
That's disgusting! That's gross.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
- PAUL: Hey, Clive. - (GlGGLES)
No, Boomer, it's forbidden.
Hey, Clive.
- Hey! - Clive!
Let's go, guys! We gotta get out of here!
(GROANS)
(YAWNlNG)
Where's Ruth?
She went back to the RV.
(LAUGHlNG)
Of course!
He can read minds.
CLlVE: Come on.
PAUL: Guys, l think we have a slight problem over here.
Oh, man.
l can't hold my breath the whole way through town.
Wait here.
What? Wait!
Good morning. Agent Zoil, Secret Service.
You mind if l come in there and ask a few questions?
Not at all.
Morning.
- PAUL: Why are we holding hands? - So we look like a family.
PAUL: Yeah, the fucking Friedmans.
You could be a midget.
- You're obsessed with midgets! - No, l'm not!
(WHlSPERlNG) Stop it! Just act normal.
We're just a couple of regular guys walking down the street with a small cowboy.
All right, Clive?
Clive?
- Clive. - PAUL: Oh, come on!
(WHlSPERlNG) Clive, what are you doing?
PAUL: Yeah, man, what the fuck?
l want it.
l can appreciate it's a bargain, but this is not Comic-Con now. This is reality.
PAUL: lt's false economy anyway, it'll break the first time you use it. Let's go!
- Why would l ever use it? - Can we just go, please?
Wait. Maybe we should go inside.
GRAEME: What? PAUL: We'll hide out.
You go back and get Ruth. Get the RV, pick us up in 10 minutes.
You sure?
Trust me.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
(GASPS)
Good morning. My name is Agent Zoil, Secret Service.
Mind if l come in, ask you a few questions?
Do you mind if we just do it right here?
Okay.
This place is a real cock-sucking mess.
Got it.
l'm telling you, we're looking for a goddamn alien.
l thought all that Project Blue Book stuff was horseshit.
No, it all makes sense.
All this hush-hush crap?
- The drawing that l found? - Mmm-hmm.
What do you think that girl was talking about last night?
Holy shit! Spaceman balls!
Yeah. And who has spaceman balls?
- Buzz Aldrin? - Be serious.
(MlMlCS SWOOSHlNG)
(EXHALES)
(HUMMlNG)
PAUL: Hello, handsome.
KElTH: ls that you?
Uh, huh?
ls that you on the cover?
(SCOFFS)
No. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
- What's your name? - Keith Nash.
- Nice to meet you. l'm Paul. - Right.
So, you're not freaked out by me?
- Hmm. Yes and no. - Huh.
You mind taking a look at these photographs?
Tell me if you recognize either one of these two gentlemen or the one-eyed girl?
- Ma'am? - No.
Anything? Anything at all?
Mmm-mmm.
- (WHlSPERS) You really think this is an alien? - Yeah!
- This is huge! This is huge! - l know! l know!
ls that a comic book shop?
Can we go in there?
Maybe. lf you're good.
Where are you coming from?
Austin.
- Good town. - Yeah, it is. They have a lot of bats.
Sorry? What'd you say?
Mmm-mmm.
Okay. Thanks for your time, Mrs...
Darwin.
Charlotte Darwin.
Charlotte Darwin. You have a great day.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
- (KNOCKlNG ON DOOR) - (GASPS)
BOTH: You are not gonna believe this.
You should get this one.
- Thanks. - Yeah, it's good.
Nice! l like your style, Keith Nash.
- l gotta go. - Catch you later.
Bye, Paul.
Don't get caught.
(PAUL CHUCKLES)
Happy trails.
Eh?
Huh!
Pretty good. Pretty good.
(CLEARS THROAT)
How much is that?
With the sword, $299.99 plus tax.
Yeah, l'll wear it now.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
HAGGARD: Come on, man, let's go!
l'll be right out.
(EXHALES)
Should have used the cufflink thing.
Spaceman balls?
(UNZlPPlNG)
Get your goddamn hands off my motherfucking junk!
(SCREAMS)
lt's in there! lt's in there!
(HAGGARD EXCLAlMS lN DlSGUST)
(YELLS)
CLlVE: Hello.
(SlGHS) O'Reilly!
You dumb shit, that's just some asshole in a mask.
(PAUL GASPlNG FOR BREATH)
Holy Mary, Mother of God!
l gotta quit smoking.
(SCREAMlNG)
- Let's go! - (WOMAN SCREAMlNG)
Sorry, ma'am!
(PAUL SCREAMS)
(GUN FlRlNG)
- Shit! - PAUL: Don't let... Behind me!
Hurry up, buttcracks!
Look, it's that nerd.
Oh!
Oh, yeah!
- Who was that kid? - Keith Nash!
Punch it!
l don't know what happened! Who is that kid?
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
- Get the car started! - Yes, sir!
Whoa, whoa. What's going on? Did you guys get me some information?
We saw it. We saw the alien.
lt was in the comic book shop. lt's hideous! l think l shit my pants.
l don't know what you guys are talking about.
You know what?
You know exactly what we're talking about.
l'm sick and tired of being in the dark on this...
Where the fuck did he go?
l got your door for you.
l got mine.
He went with those nerds.
So, you want to follow us, big guy?
- You kids are gonna go back to the base. - Uh-huh.
Daddy's gonna stick behind, do a little adult work.
Now, tell me which way the little green guy went.
- North East highway. - North East highway.
Straight home, now.
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
RUTH: Sorry, guys. lt's my dad!
This guy doesn't quit. You kind of have to respect it.
- Oh, God, Graeme, drive faster. - RUTH: Go away, Dad!
- Guys, calm down. - Those asshorns are gonna catch us!
l said, calm down! Pull over!
- What do you mean, pull over? - Pull over!
All right. That's it.
This is too dangerous. l can make it on my own from here.
- What do you mean? - No. Graeme, you've done enough.
l'll boost a car or something. l can drive an automatic.
You're a terrible driver!
He's right, Paul. You can't even drive a spaceship.
l'm close now. l'll be fine.
But we've come all this way.
Yeah, and at what cost, huh?
l've shaken your faith. l've almost gotten you guys killed!
l just want to get home.
You are going home. l think we've come too far to let you do this alone.
Yeah. What happened to BFFs? We are in this together, Paul.
You bet your hairy love eggs we are.
The last 72 hours have been the ride of my life
and l'm fucked if l'm getting off this bus now!
- Yeah, me, too. - And me.
Well, that settles it.
We're all fucked.
Thank you guys so much.
lf you're absolutely sure, there is a little something you can do for me.
- What about this one? - No, too small.
- Really? - Yeah, too small.
(ELECTRONlC MUSlC PLAYlNG)
- Seems rather fitting. - Mmm.
- That wasn't difficult, was it? - No. Not at all.
- Hello. - Hello.
That'll be $299.99, plus tax.
- Same as the sword. - (CHUCKLES)
PAUL: Look. They're running. RUTH: Holy shit!
- Get the door. - Oh, shit. Can you drive this thing?
l've been driving these things my whole life.
(ENGlNE STARTS)
PAUL: Come on! Get in, get in.
(BOTH PANTlNG)
Graceful.
WOMAN ON RADlO: Zoil. Picked up a 9-1-1 outside of Prospect.
A fireworks store just got ripped off by two British nerds in an RV.
Son of a bitch!
According to local bacon, they're on the 14, 40 miles west of you.
Drive Iike a man, you'll catch up to them in 30.
Cops are standing down. You better spin your ass around!
Roger that!
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
Don't make me come out there.
l'm guest of honor at the governor's ball tonight
and l'm dressed up real nice.
Where the hell does this 14 go, anyway?
You tell me.
You got Thermopolis, you got Lytle Creek.
WOMAN ON SCANNER: Holy shit! Moorcroft's on the 14.
ZOlL: You don't think...
WOMAN: Son of a bitch is going back.
He's gonna try and make contact. We got him, Zoil.
Bring me back my space monkey
and l guarantee you level 5 clearance and all the perks.
ZOIL: Great. Better parking space would be good.
l don't know, man. l don't know. He looked awful mad.
Fuck him. He's a dinosaur. lt's time for some new blood.
Okay. We're nearly there.
This is where we've been headed?
No. l just need to make a little stop first, okay?
Do you think we've really got time to be making little stops?
This is something l really have to do.
Okay, stop here. This is good. This is close enough.
(PAUL GROANlNG)
Shouldn't we park a bit closer?
No. We don't want to scare her.
Scare who?
GRAEME: You knock. CLlVE: You knock.
GRAEME: l always knock.
TARA: Who's there?
ls that Tara Walton?
TARA: Leave me alone.
(CLlVE CLEARlNG THROAT)
Ms. Walton, my name is Clive Gollings.
l'm here with my friend, Mr. Graeme Willy.
(DOOR UNLOCKlNG)
And what do you want?
We're here with the alien that killed your dog 60 years ago.
Let's go. Let's just go.
What is this? Some kind of a joke?
Hey, Tara.
(GASPS)
You!
(TlCKlNG)
That's a very loud clock, isn't it?
You have a nerve showing your face here after all these years.
Maybe l should make some tea.
TARA: l'll do it.
(SlGHS) Okay.
Look, Tara.
l only just stopped believing in you, you know.
l spent a very long time trying to convince folks about what happened that night.
Everyone said l was mad!
They told me it was a meteor that squashed little Paul.
They took me away and they did tests.
They said it was for cosmic radiation.
(STAMMERlNG) That l was concussed, hallucinating.
But l knew you were real!
l pulled you from that spaceship myself.
l kept you warm and comfortable.
l sat there with you till the men came to take you away.
Pop tried to understand,
but he would just smile and say, "There there, Tara."
When word got out about my story,
kids used to come and throw stones at the house, call me names.
And l just hid myself away.
l'd spend whole nights up there, just staring at the sky,
hoping that l'd catch a glimpse of you.
And here you are.
l'm sorry. lf l could have done it any other way, l...
Oh, it's okay.
You're real.
That's all that matters.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
- l was right. - Mmm-hmm.
And all those folks that said l was crazy?
They can all just go fuck themselves.
(LAUGHS)
l brought something for you. l thought you might want it back.
Here you go.
(GASPS)
Oh, thank you.
(RlNGlNG)
Who do you suppose that is?
(TARA GASPS)
- CLlVE: Where did that come from? - Holy shit! lt's them!
l'll take the front!
(SCREAMS) Oh!
(HAGGARD COUGHlNG)
What the fuck are you doing here?
Go! Go!
(ALL COUGHlNG)
Haggard!
HAGGARD: Alien!
(YELLlNG)
(GASPlNG)
Shit! Haggard! Where's the party, man?
There's no one in this place! Come on, buddy, help me out.
Oh, fuck!
HAGGARD: Freeze, motherfucker!
(GRUNTS) So weak.
Give me the alien!
Give me the fucking alien!
- No! - Ow! Fuck. Watch it.
Give me the alien!
Get your own alien.
(SCREAMlNG)
(GROANS)
Thank you, Clive! ls Tara with us?
Tara! Come this way! Follow us!
Oh, man-balls! lt's my dad!
Are you okay? Am l heavy?
l told you, it's not fat, it's power!
Oh, great.
(GASPS)
l told you we should've parked closer!
(GUN FlRlNG)
Holster that. They're mine!
- Consider that a warning! - You crazy bastard!
O'RElLLY: l got you, you little space freak!
Ruth! Get back here!
Just go home!
- Oh, l got you, sucker. Coming. - (GAS HlSSlNG)
Ready or not.
(SCREAMlNG)
PAUL: Holy fuck.
(COUGHlNG)
- Papa! - Ruth, wait!
Papa! Papa!
- (GROANS) - Oh!
lt's okay, he's alive. He's okay!
(GROANlNG)
- Go, Clive, go! - Wait for me!
You okay?
- Thank you. l'm okay. - Wait there.
(COUGHlNG)
(YELLS)
Graeme!
Ruth! Drive!
CLlVE: Come on, Graeme!
Don't leave me!
Never.
Graeme, you scared the shit out of me.
Ruth, why aren't you driving?
l told you. lt's easy!
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
Got it. Got it. Got it. Shit. Shit. Shit. Road! Okay.
Small corrections! Small corrections!
Oh, my weed!
(SOBBlNG) Oh!
(GUN FlRlNG)
Motherfucking titty-sucking two-balled bitch!
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
WOMAN ON RADlO: Zoil, progress report.
This is Haggard, sir. Agent Zoil is no longer in command.
l don't give a shit who's in command. Where the fuck are they?
Just ahead of me, heading east towards Lytle Creek.
l don't wanna hear from anybody until that cocksucker is dead! Get me?
Yes, sir.
Ma'am.
God damn it!
This is official government business!
Stand down, or l am authorized to use deadly force.
That thing has my daughter!
This isn't your mission!
l'm on a mission from God!
Tell him you failed.
Oh!
Shit! We got company.
He's trying to overtake us!
- Don't let him get past! - Should l ram him?
- What about the deposit? - Fuck the deposit.
PAUL: You're crazy!
(SCREAMS)
Fuck.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, fuck! Come on!
Smile, you son of a bitch!
Eyes forward, butthorn.
(SCREAMlNG)
Do you think he'll be okay?
Yeah, he'll be fine.
(GASPS) Mmm.
- WOMAN ON RADlO: Haggard. - Zoil.
Where are the other two?
One crashed and burned, the otherjust burned.
Jesus Christ! This has been one fuck-up after another.
l should have handled this myself.
l am very close. You give me one hour.
An hour? l'll be eating canapés with the governor in an hour.
l need this wrapped up now!
No, no. They're mine, damn it. l'm gonna finish this, once and for all.
Too late, Zoil. l'm bringing in the big guns.
Boring conversation anyway.
- (RADlATOR HlSSlNG) - (GROANS)
Fare thee well, my friend. You were a faithful and mighty steed.
l can't believe she's gone.
Ain't that a bag of tits.
Oh, what'll we do now, Paul?
Paul?
- (BREATHlNG HEAVlLY) - GRAEME: Paul, where are you going?
PAUL: See? What did l tell you, fellas?
- You'd know it when you saw it. - (GRAEME CHUCKLES lN DlSBELlEF)
Oh.
BOTH: Of course.
- Ah! Right. Shoots flaming balls. Whoo! - Whoo!
- Can you just light the fucking thing? - Fireworks are not toys, Paul.
- What is the suggested safe distance? - Right.
- 500 feet. - That's going to put us behind the tree line.
- We're not gonna enjoy the full effect. - That's true, actually.
Hey, what the...
PAUL: (LAUGHlNG) Oh! Now you're running, huh?
That's not funny. That's dangerous.
(ALL GASPlNG)
(FlRECRACKERS WHlSTLlNG)
What now?
We wait.
Yes.
- That's amazing. - RUTH: Thank you.
- PAUL: Not bad. - (RUTH CHUCKLlNG)
That's three times you've done that now.
l never met anyone...
(HlGH-PlTCHED BEEPlNG)
(GASPS)
Oh, no, you don't.
(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)
Wait a minute.
WOMAN ON SPEAKER: Stay where you are, you little green bastard!
lt's the Big Guy.
Well, what do you know?
Small world.
- Paul! - Zoil?
(SCREAMlNG)
(GUNS FlRlNG)
Huh?
(GROANS)
Don't fucking move!
Okay, everyone be cool. Everyone just be cool.
l gotta say, l'm a little hurt, Agent Zoil.
He introduced me to my wife. He's my friend.
You stupid son of a bitch. You could've been where l am in 15 years.
- l don't want to be where you are. - Too bad,
seeing as how l'm the one holding all the cards.
And when l say "cards," l of course mean
big fucking gun.
Very big gun.
- Let's go, Mork. - Don't call me Mork.
- No. - Guys, you don't have to do this.
No, he's going nowhere.
(LAUGHS)
Can it, nerds.
Shit, l'd shoot you now if l didn't get off on the idea
of your being hog-tied and pissed on in Guantanamo Bay.
They've shut Guantanamo Bay.
Did they?
Be honest with yourselves.
What do you think you can possibly bring to the table at this point in the game?
Blind fury.
- (GRUNTS) - (PAUL GASPS)
Oh.
False economy. l told you.
Step aside, fag.
(SPEAKlNG KLlNGON)
PAUL: Oh! Dude!
lnsane!
(GROANS)
(SCREAMlNG)
(GROANS) Oh!
Ow!
(SCREAMlNG)
(GROANS)
- GRAEME: Ruth! - Get away from her, you bitch!
Ow!
(GROANlNG)
Zoil, you okay, man?
- So much for the plan, huh? - l know, right?
Sorry l zapped you at the farmhouse.
That's okay. l'm sorry l wasn't there to meet you outside the base.
By the time l got there, you'd already gone.
But l see you got yourself a plan B, huh?
Did l ever. These are my friends.
- CLlVE: Hello. - Pleasure to meet you boys.
- You did a hell of a job. - Thank you, Agent Zoil.
Please call me Lorenzo.
- Lorenzo Zoil? - Lorenzo Zoil?
That's right.
MOSES: Ruth!
Papa?
- Paul! - Ruth!
(GASPS)
That was close.
Oh, my!
No!
- Oh, God, Graeme. - (GRAEME GROANlNG)
Graeme!
- l never meant to... - Put the gun down, Mr. Buggs.
Drop the fucking gun, Dad!
GRAEME: (SOBBlNG) Oh, no!
l really liked this T-shirt.
CLlVE: This is all my fault. We should never have come on holiday.
No, no. lt's fine. lt's fine, Clive.
We've had a good time, haven't we?
Yeah. But you got shot.
Yeah, l know. But l can honestly say, Clive, this is the most fun l have ever had.
Graeme?
(SOBBlNG)
CLlVE: Graeme?
Graeme?
l've gotta try, right?
- Yeah? - No, no.
ZOlL: Paul, think about this.
(GRUNTlNG)
(GROANlNG)
(GASPS)
Paul!
Paul?
- (COUGHlNG) - (SlGHS lN RELlEF)
Oh, that sucked. l don't even get to eat him.
(LAUGHS)
Wasn't that really, really dangerous?
Sometimes, you just gotta roll the dice.
MOSES: lt's a miracle!
(LAUGHlNG)
The Lord has delivered his healing hand!
You can't win with these people.
- Sorry you got killed by my dad. - That's fine.
- Do you want to try that kiss again? - Fuck, yeah.
Well, what do you know? The geek shall inherit the Earth.
Huh?
(WOMAN CLEARS THROAT)
- (COCKlNG GUN) - Well, ain't this...
PAUL: Oh!
l changed my mind. That is Jenga.
(SPEAKlNG ALlEN LANGUAGE)
lt feels better.
Okay?
RUTH: Oh, that's good.
- This is a nice one of you. - Thank you.
Look, Mr. Buggs.
lt's been a hell of a ride, huh?
(LAUGHS)
Sorry l frightened the shit out of you.
You didn't frighten me. You freed me.
l'm glad.
Mmm. That's nice.
Thanks.
Hey, take care of her, big man.
Oh, l will, sir. And God be with you.
Yeah, whatever, dude. Sure.
Say bye to Karen for me.
Safe trip, Short Round.
Thanks.
- Oh, you're coming with me. - What?
l ruined your life, Tara.
l think it's only right l give you a new one.
Oh.
l don't have my toothbrush.
Baby, where we're going, you don't need teeth.
(LAUGHS)
That's right. Right on. Get in there, girl.
Yeah, she's cool. She's with me. Let her in. Yeah. No.
(SPEAKlNG ALlEN LANGUAGE)
Gentlemen.
(EXHALES)
l meant to ask, what did you think of the book?
l liked it, actually. l really liked it.
There's lot of good ideas in it.
l kind of found it hard to finish, to be honest.
Yeah. Yeah, me, too. (LAUGHS)
You know, as l always say,
"You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream."
That's what Adam Shadowchild said.
That asshole! He stole that from me.
Huh.
- He was a bit of an asshole, actually. - Yeah, he was.
- Keep it for the journey home, if you like. - Oh, yeah. Definitely.
(SPEAKlNG ALlEN LANGUAGE)
lt's safe to say we've all learned something from this.
Be yourselves. Speak from your heart. Some shit like that, l don't know.
Yeah, you know, l certainly feel a bit different.
And me.
Thank you, guys.
- No, thank you. - Yeah, thanks, Paul.
Hugs?
Come on.
(SlGHlNG)
PAUL: Clive, l can feel your boner.
Till next time.
- So cool, isn't it? - lt's amazing!
PAUL: Goodbye!
See you! Goodbye!
(SPACESHlP WHlRRlNG)
This ship takes off very slowly. lt's a little awkward.
Goodbye!
Can you guys take off any faster? Come on!
(EXHALES)
Ah!
That was good, wasn't it?
(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)
MAN: Hey.
- WOMEN: Leias! - Thank you. Cheers.
(SPEAKlNG ALlEN LANGUAGE)
Sorry. Who are you?
Someone who loves you.
Hey! l thought you were coming as Wonder Woman today.
All right, would you please welcome
the team behind this year's multi-Nebulon-award-winning best seller.
By the way, these are friends of mine.
- l'm very proud of you, Graeme. - l'm very proud of you, Sausage.
Come on.
Pat Stevens? Like, Pat Stevens from Chapter 1?
The very same.
You know, l always pictured you taller.
- You should see me standing up. - Oh, l'd like that.
l didn't realize you were so damn pretty.
You should see me out of these crazy clothes.
l'd like that.
Mmm.
l can't.
l understand, apparently, they are citing me as the...
Well, fuck. You know...
Please welcome to the stage, Clive Gollings and Graeme Willy.
- Give it up. - (AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)
BOTH: Three, two, one.
Congratulations.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
(EXCLAlMS)
O'RElLLY: Graeme! Clive!
Whoo! l know those guys!
(lNAUDlBLE)
(SlGHS)
- You! - Hi.