1
00:00:19,626 --> 00:00:20,835
No.
2
00:00:22,212 --> 00:00:23,839
Yeah!
3
00:00:30,429 --> 00:00:31,638
No, he's not.
4
00:00:48,572 --> 00:00:50,031
Whoo!
5
00:01:03,253 --> 00:01:05,172
No, it's okay. It's okay. Let it out.
6
00:01:21,145 --> 00:01:24,357
As my great-grandfather
said back in 1947
7
00:01:24,441 --> 00:01:26,360
when we first opened,
8
00:01:26,443 --> 00:01:29,321
Camp Firewood is more
than just a summer camp.
9
00:01:30,405 --> 00:01:32,908
Camp Firewood is an idea.
10
00:01:32,991 --> 00:01:35,494
A promise.
11
00:01:35,577 --> 00:01:37,579
A way of life.
12
00:01:37,662 --> 00:01:40,749
"A promise, a way of
life..." I covered that.
13
00:01:41,666 --> 00:01:44,043
All right, I just wanted to have a
quick meeting with the junior staff
14
00:01:44,127 --> 00:01:45,212
before the buses get here.
15
00:01:45,295 --> 00:01:48,423
All right, some of you were
campers here last year.
16
00:01:48,507 --> 00:01:51,635
But now, you're all 16 or 17 years old.
17
00:01:51,718 --> 00:01:54,596
So do not think that being a counselor
18
00:01:54,679 --> 00:01:58,016
means that you are campers
with drinking privileges.
19
00:01:58,099 --> 00:02:00,227
Mitch!
20
00:02:00,310 --> 00:02:03,021
These are some things that will
not happen here this summer,
21
00:02:03,104 --> 00:02:05,106
especially if you all
want to last eight weeks
22
00:02:05,189 --> 00:02:07,526
- and see Alan Shemper...
- Oh, my God.
23
00:02:07,609 --> 00:02:09,444
Host the talent show on the last night.
24
00:02:09,528 --> 00:02:11,571
My brother went to Camp Cayuga.
He said Alan Shemper was amazing.
25
00:02:11,655 --> 00:02:13,114
First and foremost, there will be
26
00:02:13,197 --> 00:02:15,825
no relations between
campers and counselors.
27
00:02:15,909 --> 00:02:20,580
This includes dry humping,
necking, wet humping,
28
00:02:20,664 --> 00:02:23,375
finger banging, wheel barrowing,
29
00:02:23,458 --> 00:02:26,420
the old one-two, the old one-two-three,
30
00:02:26,503 --> 00:02:27,921
the old one-two-three-four,
31
00:02:28,004 --> 00:02:30,924
the Bavarian pretzel, Denver omelets,
32
00:02:31,007 --> 00:02:32,884
the double-double, the double down,
33
00:02:32,967 --> 00:02:36,220
the triple-double, the double
dip, the daily double.
34
00:02:36,305 --> 00:02:38,014
Saltwater taffying...
35
00:02:38,097 --> 00:02:41,268
Basically, any skin-to-skin
contact is a no-no.
36
00:02:42,311 --> 00:02:44,854
- Beth!
- Beth.
37
00:02:44,938 --> 00:02:47,899
She's so funny. She's, like,
Marla Gibbs-level funny.
38
00:02:47,982 --> 00:02:50,610
Shh! Listen up, listen up.
Hand goes up, mouth goes shut.
39
00:02:50,694 --> 00:02:52,946
Toffler! Toffifay.
40
00:02:53,572 --> 00:02:55,657
And toffee crunch.
41
00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:58,785
Now, I just wanna say, I know that camp
is definitely all about having fun,
42
00:02:58,868 --> 00:03:00,912
and I can whoop it up as
much as the next guy.
43
00:03:00,995 --> 00:03:04,207
But this year, I'm Boys' Head Counselor,
44
00:03:04,290 --> 00:03:06,668
which means that if I see some
unsanctioned camp activity,
45
00:03:06,751 --> 00:03:08,837
I'm gonna have to report you.
46
00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:10,839
But if I don't see it, then
as far as I'm concerned,
47
00:03:10,922 --> 00:03:12,716
it didn't happen, if you're
picking up what I'm putting...
48
00:03:14,008 --> 00:03:15,594
Sorry, Greg. Time's up.
49
00:03:15,677 --> 00:03:17,721
Again, this time with the air horn.
50
00:03:17,804 --> 00:03:20,139
She's hilariously funny.
51
00:03:20,223 --> 00:03:21,391
It's very... She's very witty.
52
00:03:21,475 --> 00:03:23,643
- It's a dry wit.
- It's a very dry wit, but it's very funny.
53
00:03:23,727 --> 00:03:26,312
- Where was she even keeping the air horn?
- Yeah. I don't... I don't know.
54
00:03:26,396 --> 00:03:27,981
- Did you hear that?
- Who is that?
55
00:03:28,064 --> 00:03:29,441
Is that...
56
00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:34,112
- Cool!
- I'm late.
57
00:03:34,195 --> 00:03:36,781
Andy, so nice of you to grace
us with your presence.
58
00:03:36,865 --> 00:03:38,700
You were supposed to be here a week ago!
59
00:03:38,783 --> 00:03:40,785
Whatever. Smells weird. Who beefed?
60
00:03:40,869 --> 00:03:42,704
Andy fuckin' Fleckner!
61
00:03:42,787 --> 00:03:44,581
J. fuckin' J.
62
00:03:44,664 --> 00:03:46,416
Ha! Nice lady-shorts, McKinley.
63
00:03:46,500 --> 00:03:48,460
Yeah, I got 'em from your mom's dresser.
64
00:03:48,543 --> 00:03:49,586
Oh!
65
00:03:49,669 --> 00:03:51,212
Good one.
66
00:03:51,295 --> 00:03:53,256
Hey, man. Don't make fun of
the guy who dresses my mom.
67
00:03:53,340 --> 00:03:55,800
Oh, I'm sorry, man, I didn't realize you...
68
00:03:55,884 --> 00:03:57,719
I thought your mom was
still dressing herself.
69
00:03:58,970 --> 00:04:00,054
Hey.
70
00:04:00,138 --> 00:04:03,433
All right, next thing. Poison ivy is real.
71
00:04:03,517 --> 00:04:06,645
Mea culpa. Apparently there was a
piece in The Times about it...
72
00:04:06,728 --> 00:04:07,771
Hey.
73
00:04:07,854 --> 00:04:09,272
...and it seems that it is real.
74
00:04:09,356 --> 00:04:10,357
Hey.
75
00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:12,401
Hey, J.J., um, have you seen Donna Berman?
76
00:04:12,484 --> 00:04:15,654
- No, I don't think she's here yet.
- Oh, okay. Ah, doesn't matter.
77
00:04:15,737 --> 00:04:18,490
It's not a big deal at all. I was
just asking because we're dating.
78
00:04:18,573 --> 00:04:21,200
So, I was just kind of
wondering where she was.
79
00:04:21,284 --> 00:04:25,372
'Cause of... 'cause we're dating, so...
But it's not a big deal, so...
80
00:04:25,455 --> 00:04:27,457
Hey, Mitch, I got an announcement to make.
81
00:04:27,541 --> 00:04:28,958
Victor!
82
00:04:29,042 --> 00:04:31,961
Settle down! Settle down, you scumbags!
83
00:04:33,046 --> 00:04:34,464
"Scumbags"! Classic!
84
00:04:34,548 --> 00:04:36,383
That's the stuff, Vic! That's
the stuff right there, Vic.
85
00:04:36,466 --> 00:04:40,845
All right, okay. Tonight after lights
out, staff party at the Roundhouse.
86
00:04:42,764 --> 00:04:44,974
And, you guys, hey, you guys. My
high school sweetheart, Shari,
87
00:04:45,058 --> 00:04:47,226
is coming to the party tonight,
so just be cool, okay?
88
00:04:47,310 --> 00:04:49,353
Yeah, everybody be cool. It's his
high school sweetheart, Shari.
89
00:04:49,438 --> 00:04:52,106
Hey, would it be cool if I just stuck
my ding dong in Shari's ear like this?
90
00:04:52,190 --> 00:04:53,191
Bonk, bonk, bonk!
91
00:04:53,274 --> 00:04:55,444
Like, it was like, "Hey, my ding
dong's in your ear, Shari."
92
00:04:55,527 --> 00:04:57,236
Come on, take
that in your ear, Shari.
93
00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:00,323
Take my ding dong in your ear. Take
my ding dong in your ear, Shari.
94
00:05:00,407 --> 00:05:02,867
Shari, take my ding dong in your ear.
95
00:05:02,951 --> 00:05:04,243
- Take my ding dong, Shari.
- Come on.
96
00:05:04,327 --> 00:05:05,662
- Leave him alone.
- Take my ding dong...
97
00:05:05,745 --> 00:05:06,788
- Vic, come on!
- Okay!
98
00:05:07,371 --> 00:05:09,290
- I was just joking around.
- You all right?
99
00:05:09,373 --> 00:05:12,085
- What's his problem?
- You okay?
100
00:05:12,168 --> 00:05:13,795
Anyways, staff party
tonight at the Roundhouse.
101
00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:15,296
Oh, damn it!
102
00:05:15,379 --> 00:05:17,799
I'm supposed to go to the Camp
Tigerclaw summer formal tonight
103
00:05:17,882 --> 00:05:19,175
with my boyfriend Blake.
104
00:05:19,258 --> 00:05:22,929
Camp Tigerclaw? Don't
you mean Camp Tiger Dick?
105
00:05:23,012 --> 00:05:25,389
Those guys are prep school turkeys.
Skin it.
106
00:05:28,226 --> 00:05:31,980
Katie, my Katie,
my beautiful Katie.
107
00:05:34,315 --> 00:05:38,277
Why do you insist on slumming it
with those Camp Firewood stooges?
108
00:05:38,361 --> 00:05:40,363
Stooges.
109
00:05:40,446 --> 00:05:41,781
Good one, Blake.
110
00:05:41,865 --> 00:05:43,407
Everyone at Camp Firewood
is definitely a stooge.
111
00:05:43,492 --> 00:05:46,911
Why does she go to camp over there?
She's rich, like us.
112
00:05:46,995 --> 00:05:49,330
She should go to camp on
the rich side of the lake.
113
00:05:49,413 --> 00:05:51,290
We have Jet Skis! We
have veal scaloppini...
114
00:05:51,374 --> 00:05:52,751
You watch your mouth, Graham.
115
00:05:52,834 --> 00:05:54,628
That's my girlfriend you're talking about.
116
00:05:55,879 --> 00:05:58,715
You're right. I'm... I'm sorry, chum.
117
00:05:58,798 --> 00:06:02,426
I would like to offer a sincere
apology for what I said.
118
00:06:03,553 --> 00:06:05,179
Apology accepted.
119
00:06:06,723 --> 00:06:08,099
Thank you.
120
00:06:09,017 --> 00:06:11,102
The buses! The buses!
121
00:06:11,185 --> 00:06:13,688
"The buses! The buses!" Who
are you, Mitch, Tattoo?
122
00:06:14,523 --> 00:06:15,524
That's Hervé Villechaize.
123
00:06:15,607 --> 00:06:17,483
Have you seen that show?
All right, but let's go.
124
00:06:17,567 --> 00:06:18,777
Campers are here.
125
00:06:31,623 --> 00:06:34,751
Come on, come on! Let's go, let's go!
126
00:06:34,834 --> 00:06:36,460
Come on. Good, there you go.
127
00:06:36,545 --> 00:06:38,838
Come on, let's go!
128
00:06:38,922 --> 00:06:40,632
Ugh, can you please help me?
129
00:06:40,715 --> 00:06:43,217
You're gorgeous. I'm gonna miss you.
Oh, God.
130
00:06:43,301 --> 00:06:44,928
Come here. I'm gonna miss this face.
131
00:06:45,011 --> 00:06:48,181
Whoa! That is cool. Hey!
Are you excited?
132
00:06:48,264 --> 00:06:51,267
Mmm, I wanna... I love you. The
eyeballs, let me kiss the eyeballs.
133
00:06:51,350 --> 00:06:54,813
You're Bunk Three, and you're
with the Webelos in Camp Four.
134
00:06:54,896 --> 00:06:58,066
So just go down there, past the canteen.
You'll see it.
135
00:06:58,149 --> 00:07:00,318
I left some
condoms in the left pocket...
136
00:07:00,401 --> 00:07:02,111
Excuse me, my good man.
137
00:07:02,195 --> 00:07:04,864
Can you point me in the direction
of the camp radio station?
138
00:07:04,948 --> 00:07:07,325
Uh, sorry, kid. We don't
have a camp radio station.
139
00:07:07,408 --> 00:07:08,868
But it says here,
140
00:07:08,952 --> 00:07:12,747
"Camp Firewood offers a state-of-the-art
ten-watt FM radio broadcasting facility."
141
00:07:14,332 --> 00:07:17,669
Hey, J.J., do we have a
state-of-the-art broadcasting facility?
142
00:07:17,752 --> 00:07:21,005
My dick is a state-of-the-art
broadcast facility.
143
00:07:21,923 --> 00:07:23,800
Man, when did Katie Finnerty get hot?
144
00:07:23,883 --> 00:07:27,554
Yeah, those mosquito bites have
turned into juicy tarantula bites.
145
00:07:27,637 --> 00:07:29,973
And plus, someone gave her the
memo about losing the braces.
146
00:07:30,056 --> 00:07:34,561
Yeah, well, send her a new memo.
To Katie, from Andy.
147
00:07:34,644 --> 00:07:36,730
Re: Me being your boyfriend.
148
00:07:36,813 --> 00:07:38,397
Hunker down for doinkage.
149
00:07:38,481 --> 00:07:39,691
Nah, don't bother.
150
00:07:39,774 --> 00:07:43,111
She's dating that douchebag from
Camp Tigerclaw across the lake.
151
00:07:43,194 --> 00:07:44,988
Doesn't scare me. Check this out.
152
00:07:45,071 --> 00:07:47,824
Katie! You gonna be around later?
153
00:07:47,907 --> 00:07:49,659
- Um, yeah.
- Cool.
154
00:07:49,743 --> 00:07:51,578
So am I.
155
00:07:53,162 --> 00:07:55,081
That was weird.
156
00:08:11,097 --> 00:08:12,849
She wants me.
157
00:08:14,851 --> 00:08:16,728
Hey, Shannon! Adam!
158
00:08:17,646 --> 00:08:20,148
Hey, buddy. What's your name?
159
00:08:20,231 --> 00:08:23,401
- Kevin Appleblatt.
- Kevin Appleblatt.
160
00:08:23,484 --> 00:08:26,112
Ah! You are in my bunk, Kevin Appleblatt.
161
00:08:28,740 --> 00:08:30,659
What's wrong?
162
00:08:31,660 --> 00:08:34,996
I don't know anybody. I
don't want to be here.
163
00:08:35,079 --> 00:08:38,457
But look, no one really knows
anybody their first time at camp.
164
00:08:38,541 --> 00:08:41,294
My first time here, I didn't
really want to be here, either.
165
00:08:41,377 --> 00:08:42,378
But you know what?
166
00:08:42,461 --> 00:08:45,715
By the end of the first day,
I made a ton of friends.
167
00:08:45,799 --> 00:08:47,884
And I can honestly say,
eight summers later,
168
00:08:47,967 --> 00:08:49,803
my camp friends are my best friends.
169
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,639
Look, you've already
made one friend, Kevin.
170
00:08:52,722 --> 00:08:54,057
- Who?
- "Who?"
171
00:08:54,140 --> 00:08:55,516
What are you, a barn owl?
172
00:08:55,599 --> 00:08:57,644
Who? Hoo-hoo!
173
00:08:57,727 --> 00:08:59,145
Me, that's who!
174
00:09:02,816 --> 00:09:05,652
Hey, listen, why don't you put
your bag over in the bag pile?
175
00:09:05,735 --> 00:09:07,737
- I'll see you in a bit.
- All right.
176
00:09:08,738 --> 00:09:10,865
- Hey, Billy! What's up, man?
- Have fun, sweetie.
177
00:09:11,825 --> 00:09:14,202
Bye, Dad. Bye, Amanda.
178
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,581
Hey, Cliff. Your
bunk is next to mine.
179
00:09:18,665 --> 00:09:20,541
- Oh, sorry.
- It's okay.
180
00:09:21,710 --> 00:09:23,419
- Hi.
- Hi!
181
00:09:25,379 --> 00:09:27,674
- Um, do you want to put your bag there?
- It's... It's okay.
182
00:09:27,757 --> 00:09:29,467
- You can put your bag there.
- Are you sure?
183
00:09:29,550 --> 00:09:31,219
You know, I'm just gonna keep it.
184
00:09:31,302 --> 00:09:33,262
Oh, okay.
185
00:09:33,346 --> 00:09:34,973
Just keep it.
186
00:09:35,056 --> 00:09:36,515
See ya.
187
00:09:36,599 --> 00:09:38,893
Okay, Amy, you ready to
meet your other campers?
188
00:09:38,977 --> 00:09:40,812
- Yeah, sure.
- It's so fun!
189
00:09:40,895 --> 00:09:43,314
- Hello.
- Girls, how are you?
190
00:09:43,397 --> 00:09:46,275
Baby, I am telling you, you
were a rocket pop last night.
191
00:09:46,359 --> 00:09:49,487
I could have kept on slurping you.
192
00:09:50,029 --> 00:09:51,280
Ew!
193
00:09:51,364 --> 00:09:52,741
You weren't ew-ing me last night
194
00:09:52,824 --> 00:09:55,076
when I was fondling those
big, fat knockers of yours.
195
00:09:55,159 --> 00:09:56,535
Honk! Honk!
196
00:09:56,619 --> 00:09:58,747
- Hey!
- There's campers!
197
00:09:58,830 --> 00:09:59,956
Hey, Beth.
198
00:10:01,415 --> 00:10:02,416
What?
199
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:05,169
I saw you and Mitch doing
a little Tune in Tokyo.
200
00:10:05,253 --> 00:10:08,172
Yes, I spilled a little bit of
Tang on my shirt, so he was...
201
00:10:08,256 --> 00:10:10,299
Beth, come on.
202
00:10:10,383 --> 00:10:12,844
Are you gonna keep playing this game?
We all know about you and Mitch.
203
00:10:13,970 --> 00:10:15,554
Are you serious? I thought
we were being so careful.
204
00:10:15,638 --> 00:10:18,474
No! You can't keep secrets like
that at camp. It's like...
205
00:10:18,557 --> 00:10:21,352
I would compare it to how, like,
everyone knows that, like,
206
00:10:21,435 --> 00:10:23,730
me and Donna Berman are
boyfriend and girlfriend.
207
00:10:24,731 --> 00:10:26,190
- You and Donna?
- Yeah.
208
00:10:26,274 --> 00:10:29,110
Fun, popular, lovely...
209
00:10:30,278 --> 00:10:31,821
- Yeah.
- Donna Berman?
210
00:10:31,905 --> 00:10:33,740
- What?
- Statuesque.
211
00:10:33,823 --> 00:10:35,241
Yes, Beth!
212
00:10:35,324 --> 00:10:36,826
- Golden-toned...
- Yes.
213
00:10:36,910 --> 00:10:38,953
Seemingly poreless skin Donna?
214
00:10:39,037 --> 00:10:40,371
Yeah. What?
215
00:10:40,454 --> 00:10:41,790
Nothing. That's wonderful.
216
00:10:41,873 --> 00:10:43,291
- I believe you.
- Yeah, well...
217
00:10:43,374 --> 00:10:44,542
I definitely believe you.
218
00:10:44,625 --> 00:10:46,002
We hooked up at the end of last summer.
219
00:10:46,085 --> 00:10:47,711
I've tried getting in touch
with her since then,
220
00:10:47,796 --> 00:10:50,298
but it's been a little difficult,
just 'cause I think she's, like,
221
00:10:50,381 --> 00:10:53,843
busy with babysitting and field
hockey and all that jazz.
222
00:10:53,927 --> 00:10:56,095
But we're definitely a couple.
I can confirm that.
223
00:10:56,179 --> 00:11:00,016
Well, just, you know, take it slow.
'Cause, you never know, you know?
224
00:11:00,099 --> 00:11:02,977
You are hilarious, Beth.
225
00:11:03,061 --> 00:11:05,271
- Is there gonna be lunch?
- Hey, you!
226
00:11:08,732 --> 00:11:12,153
♪ We are the floppy twins! The
flippy, flappy, floppy twins! ♪
227
00:11:12,236 --> 00:11:14,613
- ♪ I'm floppy Milly ♪
- ♪ I'm flippy Willy ♪
228
00:11:14,697 --> 00:11:16,991
- ♪ We look so cute ♪ -
♪ And we act so silly ♪
229
00:11:17,075 --> 00:11:21,704
♪ We are the floppy twins! ♪
230
00:11:30,796 --> 00:11:32,673
- Welcome one...
- Welcome all...
231
00:11:32,756 --> 00:11:35,301
To the Camp Firewood
Summer Theater program!
232
00:11:37,887 --> 00:11:40,598
We are all so happy you are here.
But if you do want to stay here,
233
00:11:40,681 --> 00:11:42,266
you're gonna have to use
a little bit of this.
234
00:11:42,976 --> 00:11:45,436
A little bit of this. And
a whole lot of this.
235
00:11:46,354 --> 00:11:47,688
That's right, that's your diaphragm.
236
00:11:47,771 --> 00:11:51,734
And that's gonna allow you to
project your voice in the theater!
237
00:11:54,153 --> 00:11:56,865
For those of you that don't know
us, I'm Susie and this is Ben.
238
00:11:56,948 --> 00:11:57,949
Hi.
239
00:11:58,032 --> 00:11:59,367
- I wear many hats.
- Mmm.
240
00:11:59,450 --> 00:12:01,619
I'm the director slash
choreographer of the company.
241
00:12:01,702 --> 00:12:04,330
And I am the executive producer
slash part-time producer
242
00:12:04,413 --> 00:12:07,166
slash part-time costume designer
slash full-time fan of...
243
00:12:07,250 --> 00:12:09,168
The American theater!
244
00:12:11,004 --> 00:12:12,838
Now, I hear the rumor mill is abuzz.
245
00:12:12,922 --> 00:12:14,340
There are a lot of people asking
246
00:12:14,423 --> 00:12:16,175
whether or not Ben and
I are still a couple.
247
00:12:16,259 --> 00:12:19,637
"Tell us, tell us! Are you still dating?
We all want to know. People are dying."
248
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:21,973
And the answer is...
249
00:12:23,141 --> 00:12:24,767
Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!
250
00:12:24,850 --> 00:12:27,270
A resounding a-yes.
251
00:12:30,148 --> 00:12:31,357
Aw!
252
00:12:33,067 --> 00:12:34,986
Ain't she something?
253
00:12:35,069 --> 00:12:36,487
Oh, what did I just do there?
254
00:12:36,570 --> 00:12:39,282
Oh, I guess I just turned
into a southern gentleman.
255
00:12:39,365 --> 00:12:42,535
Oh,
Milly, where's my mint julep?
256
00:12:44,245 --> 00:12:45,746
Every year, on the first day of camp,
257
00:12:45,829 --> 00:12:48,749
the counselors perform a Broadway musicale.
258
00:12:48,832 --> 00:12:53,337
And this year, we're presenting the
explosive Broadway hit, Electro-City!
259
00:12:56,090 --> 00:12:59,593
Electro-City is the story of a young man
who moves from the country to the city
260
00:12:59,677 --> 00:13:00,929
to become a Broadway star
261
00:13:01,012 --> 00:13:02,888
and is immediately sent
to the electric chair
262
00:13:02,972 --> 00:13:04,557
for a crime he did not commit.
263
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:05,808
Or did he?
264
00:13:05,891 --> 00:13:07,685
- Oh.
- And one more thing!
265
00:13:07,768 --> 00:13:11,897
To add a taste of authenticity,
we have been rehearsing all week
266
00:13:11,981 --> 00:13:14,943
with a special guest director, Mr.
Claude Dumet.
267
00:13:15,026 --> 00:13:19,322
Mr. Dumet played town crier slash
Uncle Pete slash background cop
268
00:13:19,405 --> 00:13:21,740
in the first original touring
company of Electro-City,
269
00:13:21,824 --> 00:13:22,908
so he knows all the choreography
270
00:13:22,992 --> 00:13:25,494
because he either did it on
or backstage every night.
271
00:13:25,578 --> 00:13:26,829
This is
a big deal, you guys.
272
00:13:26,912 --> 00:13:28,039
Huh.
273
00:13:28,122 --> 00:13:30,249
He is a card-carrying member...
274
00:13:30,333 --> 00:13:31,625
of Actors' Equity.
275
00:13:31,709 --> 00:13:35,964
Ladies and gentle-actors, I am so honored
to introduce you to the one, the only,
276
00:13:36,047 --> 00:13:40,176
the incomparable Monsieur Claude Dumet.
277
00:13:55,608 --> 00:13:57,610
Son of a bitch!
278
00:13:58,652 --> 00:13:59,945
Are you okay?
279
00:14:02,031 --> 00:14:03,032
What?
280
00:14:04,950 --> 00:14:06,660
Genius.
281
00:14:14,752 --> 00:14:18,047
The name is Claude Dumet.
282
00:14:19,215 --> 00:14:21,175
And that may have seemed like
just light entertainment,
283
00:14:21,259 --> 00:14:25,346
but in the business we call show,
that is what's known as mask work.
284
00:14:29,517 --> 00:14:32,061
Oh, my God, that was so amazing!
285
00:14:32,145 --> 00:14:33,771
That was awesome.
286
00:14:33,854 --> 00:14:34,855
Next!
287
00:14:34,938 --> 00:14:38,276
Oshy Oceanman, Bunk Two.
288
00:14:38,359 --> 00:14:40,694
Hey, Neil, let's make a bet.
First one to get laid wins.
289
00:14:40,778 --> 00:14:42,363
You're joking, right?
290
00:14:42,446 --> 00:14:44,323
- What do you mean?
- I mean, you've already...
291
00:14:44,407 --> 00:14:47,118
You've already made love,
like, 10,000 times, right?
292
00:14:47,910 --> 00:14:49,203
'Course I have, Neil.
293
00:14:49,287 --> 00:14:50,997
Hey, Tony Balogna, Bunk Seven. Okay.
294
00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:52,790
Okay? I'm a fuck machine.
295
00:14:52,873 --> 00:14:54,083
What are you looking at?
296
00:14:54,167 --> 00:14:56,294
Listen, Neil, it'd be too clunky if I said,
297
00:14:56,377 --> 00:14:59,047
"A bet to see who got laid
for the millionth time, me,
298
00:14:59,130 --> 00:15:02,591
and/or who loses their virginity
for the first time, you."
299
00:15:02,675 --> 00:15:06,429
Okay? I'm just trying to be
economical with my word choice, man.
300
00:15:06,512 --> 00:15:07,888
You want to make a bet or not?
301
00:15:07,971 --> 00:15:10,141
- Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm in. I'm in.
- Nine.
302
00:15:10,224 --> 00:15:13,061
Shari's coming tonight, so I
mean, I think I have a shot.
303
00:15:13,144 --> 00:15:15,396
Oh, Bunk Three. It's a good one.
Toilets work.
304
00:15:15,479 --> 00:15:18,649
Who loses their virginity first, or
gets laid for the millionth time.
305
00:15:18,732 --> 00:15:19,817
Okay.
306
00:15:20,818 --> 00:15:22,820
- Are you ready? Let's do this!
- Let's do this!
307
00:15:22,903 --> 00:15:24,113
Drumroll, please.
308
00:15:25,489 --> 00:15:27,325
Ready? Here we go.
309
00:15:29,327 --> 00:15:30,578
- Nice!
- High five!
310
00:15:30,661 --> 00:15:31,912
Yes, man!
311
00:15:31,995 --> 00:15:34,623
- New kid, wanna give it a shot?
- Oh, uh...
312
00:15:35,541 --> 00:15:36,709
I don't know.
313
00:15:36,792 --> 00:15:39,712
What? Speak up, Mumble Princess. You
sound like you were in a car accident.
314
00:15:39,795 --> 00:15:41,004
I don't know how to play.
315
00:15:41,089 --> 00:15:42,506
You don't...
316
00:15:42,590 --> 00:15:44,800
Only dicksqueezes don't know how to play!
317
00:15:44,883 --> 00:15:46,969
He called you dicksqueeze.
318
00:15:47,053 --> 00:15:49,430
You see this little fuzzy thing?
319
00:15:49,513 --> 00:15:51,849
You pick it up and you throw it.
320
00:15:51,932 --> 00:15:53,309
Got it?
321
00:15:53,392 --> 00:15:54,977
What's the objective?
322
00:15:55,061 --> 00:15:58,064
The objective is to shut your
pie-hole and do it, penis face, okay?
323
00:15:58,147 --> 00:15:59,982
Penis face.
324
00:16:05,863 --> 00:16:08,199
You throw like a girl snake.
325
00:16:08,282 --> 00:16:12,745
Which is a double suck, because it's
a girl and it doesn't have arms!
326
00:16:12,828 --> 00:16:14,622
And it smells with its tongue.
327
00:16:14,705 --> 00:16:15,748
Shut up, Kyle!
328
00:16:17,916 --> 00:16:19,335
You're a pussy, Appleblatt.
329
00:16:20,086 --> 00:16:21,795
You gonna cry? I think he's gonna cry.
330
00:16:21,879 --> 00:16:25,216
- He's gonna cry!
- Where's your diaper, you little asshole?
331
00:16:25,299 --> 00:16:27,801
- I fucking hate you!
- Yeah! Run, loser!
332
00:16:27,885 --> 00:16:29,470
- Run!
- Pussy!
333
00:16:29,553 --> 00:16:32,723
- Loser! Run!
- Piece of shnit!
334
00:16:33,891 --> 00:16:34,975
What's wrong with Kevin?
335
00:16:35,058 --> 00:16:37,728
He ran in the woods 'cause
he's a piece of shnit.
336
00:16:37,811 --> 00:16:39,021
- Drew!
- What?
337
00:16:39,105 --> 00:16:41,107
- Why do you have to...
- Because I want to!
338
00:16:41,774 --> 00:16:44,193
What? I like
doing stuff like that!
339
00:16:44,277 --> 00:16:46,570
Kevin. Kevin.
340
00:16:46,654 --> 00:16:49,198
Come on. Come on, man.
341
00:16:49,282 --> 00:16:51,367
Jesus. Kevin!
342
00:16:54,620 --> 00:16:57,331
Kevin. Stop running, Kevin!
343
00:17:03,379 --> 00:17:04,713
Kevin.
344
00:17:15,349 --> 00:17:19,187
Kevin, stop! Just stop!
What are you running from?
345
00:17:19,270 --> 00:17:20,604
I don't want to be here!
346
00:17:21,272 --> 00:17:23,357
So that's what this is about.
347
00:17:24,150 --> 00:17:25,901
Let me tell you a little story, Kevin.
348
00:17:28,654 --> 00:17:32,783
Eight years ago today was my
first summer here at camp.
349
00:17:32,866 --> 00:17:33,951
And guess what?
350
00:17:34,034 --> 00:17:36,370
You also had a bully in your bunk?
351
00:17:36,454 --> 00:17:38,080
Exactly. And guess what?
352
00:17:38,164 --> 00:17:40,416
You had to beat him in a
fight to earn his respect?
353
00:17:40,499 --> 00:17:42,251
Exactly. So you know what I did?
354
00:17:42,335 --> 00:17:43,711
You challenged him to a fight?
355
00:17:43,794 --> 00:17:45,671
Exactly. But not just any fight.
356
00:17:45,754 --> 00:17:47,506
- A burp fight?
- Exactly.
357
00:17:47,590 --> 00:17:48,757
So, can I give you a piece of advice?
358
00:17:48,841 --> 00:17:52,886
I should challenge Drew to a burp
fight and if I win he'll respect me?
359
00:17:52,970 --> 00:17:55,431
Exactly. Now, go on!
360
00:17:55,514 --> 00:17:57,933
Go! Go!
361
00:17:58,016 --> 00:18:00,060
Go on, boy.
362
00:18:08,694 --> 00:18:11,239
Well, if ever there was
a camp radio station,
363
00:18:11,322 --> 00:18:12,448
this was it.
364
00:18:12,531 --> 00:18:14,533
It's a little threadbare, but it'll do.
365
00:18:14,617 --> 00:18:17,203
Obviously, I'll handle
the morning show myself.
366
00:18:17,286 --> 00:18:19,663
We'll walk that fine line between
cutting-edge irreverence
367
00:18:19,747 --> 00:18:22,666
and trouble with the Federal
Communications Commission.
368
00:18:22,750 --> 00:18:25,836
Yeah, I'm not particularly
worried about the FCC.
369
00:18:25,919 --> 00:18:29,673
All right. Lunch is at noon.
Don't get electrocuted.
370
00:18:32,301 --> 00:18:36,347
Arty Solomon here, alias the Beekeeper.
371
00:18:36,430 --> 00:18:39,182
- Hey, Donna!
- Hi, Donna!
372
00:18:40,768 --> 00:18:44,355
Oh, my God. Donna! You made it!
373
00:18:45,022 --> 00:18:46,274
Yeah.
374
00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:50,653
- God, you're here.
- Yeah.
375
00:18:50,736 --> 00:18:53,196
I was, you know, worrying that
maybe you weren't gonna make it.
376
00:18:53,281 --> 00:18:55,198
- Yeah, no, I made it.
- It's so great.
377
00:18:55,283 --> 00:18:59,370
To just, like, see you, and
you know, like, face to face.
378
00:18:59,453 --> 00:19:01,622
And hear you, you know, like,
379
00:19:01,705 --> 00:19:02,790
smell your smell.
380
00:19:02,873 --> 00:19:05,042
Oh, you're so sweet.
381
00:19:05,125 --> 00:19:06,835
I notice your hair looks different.
382
00:19:06,919 --> 00:19:09,255
- It's... it's wavy.
- Oh, I know, um...
383
00:19:09,338 --> 00:19:11,882
I was just, like, you know,
why try to fight it? Right?
384
00:19:11,965 --> 00:19:13,759
But I like it. I mean, it's really pretty.
385
00:19:13,842 --> 00:19:16,053
- Oh, okay, cool. Thanks.
- Yeah.
386
00:19:21,141 --> 00:19:22,935
- It's like, blah.
- Yeah.
387
00:19:25,103 --> 00:19:27,315
- Your hair could look good, too.
- Could?
388
00:19:27,398 --> 00:19:31,652
Yeah, you know, if you...
if you just... kinda...
389
00:19:33,779 --> 00:19:36,282
- Yeah, that looks rad.
- Yeah? Oh, cool.
390
00:19:36,365 --> 00:19:38,534
- Oh, and this would look good, too.
- Oh, okay.
391
00:19:38,617 --> 00:19:39,910
- It's a puka shell necklace.
- Yeah?
392
00:19:39,993 --> 00:19:42,913
- Do you like it?
- Yeah, I mean, I'd want to...
393
00:19:42,996 --> 00:19:44,998
would want to look at it in
the mirror, but I think so.
394
00:19:45,082 --> 00:19:46,334
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
395
00:19:46,417 --> 00:19:48,794
- It looks really bangin' on your chest.
- Oh, awesome.
396
00:19:48,877 --> 00:19:51,297
You're bangin', too. Just like, in general.
397
00:19:51,380 --> 00:19:52,673
Aw.
398
00:19:54,467 --> 00:19:56,469
Listen, um, Donna...
399
00:19:56,552 --> 00:19:58,304
there's something I've been
meaning to tell you...
400
00:19:58,387 --> 00:19:59,680
Oh, Coop, you know what?
It's just all so much.
401
00:19:59,763 --> 00:20:02,140
And, could you hold that thought?
I just need time to decompress.
402
00:20:02,224 --> 00:20:04,643
Yeah, sure. I'll hold it.
403
00:20:05,561 --> 00:20:07,020
I'll hug it.
404
00:20:07,104 --> 00:20:08,356
And kiss it.
405
00:20:10,858 --> 00:20:15,195
It's just so good to, like,
see you again, you know?
406
00:20:16,905 --> 00:20:19,492
♪ After all this time ♪
407
00:20:19,575 --> 00:20:21,284
Oh. Ew.
408
00:20:22,077 --> 00:20:23,329
So...
409
00:20:23,412 --> 00:20:25,456
- All right, well.
- Yeah. Anyway.
410
00:20:25,539 --> 00:20:28,376
- All right, I'll see you.
- Good to see you. You're my girlfriend.
411
00:20:28,459 --> 00:20:29,793
Hey, Donna! Donna's here!
412
00:20:29,877 --> 00:20:31,712
- We thought you weren't coming.
- We miss you.
413
00:20:33,005 --> 00:20:34,798
- Oh, dude.
- You suck!
414
00:20:35,591 --> 00:20:37,843
- Hey, Drew!
- Yeah?
415
00:20:37,926 --> 00:20:39,803
I challenge you to a burp contest.
416
00:20:39,887 --> 00:20:43,557
You realize I'm the fuckin'
burp king of Westchester?
417
00:20:43,641 --> 00:20:45,308
Pick your soda.
418
00:20:45,393 --> 00:20:48,562
- Rafi, call it out.
- Burpsmen, prepare your weapons.
419
00:20:48,646 --> 00:20:50,063
Three rounds.
420
00:20:57,279 --> 00:20:59,156
That's right! Bitchin'!
421
00:20:59,239 --> 00:21:01,367
Appleblatt, burp when ready.
422
00:21:05,287 --> 00:21:07,790
A big win for Drew that round. Round two.
423
00:21:07,873 --> 00:21:10,668
I can smell it.
424
00:21:10,751 --> 00:21:12,920
- Appleblatt?
- He's gonna win big time.
425
00:21:15,964 --> 00:21:17,633
- Final round.
- He could do better.
426
00:21:27,267 --> 00:21:29,437
Last chance, Kevin. Whatcha got?
427
00:21:30,438 --> 00:21:31,522
Come on, Kevin!
428
00:21:31,605 --> 00:21:32,898
You stink.
429
00:21:32,981 --> 00:21:34,149
Give up now.
430
00:21:44,827 --> 00:21:46,704
You're a glutton for punishment, Appledick.
431
00:21:46,787 --> 00:21:48,246
Yeah!
432
00:21:48,330 --> 00:21:49,915
I gotta hand it to you.
433
00:21:49,998 --> 00:21:52,125
You're pretty brave to stand
up to Drew like that.
434
00:21:52,209 --> 00:21:53,251
Thanks.
435
00:21:53,335 --> 00:21:56,964
Sleep with your eyes open,
'cause I'm coming for you!
436
00:21:57,047 --> 00:21:59,049
I'm the burp king of Westchester.
437
00:22:07,475 --> 00:22:09,101
Yeah, this side's good.
438
00:22:11,353 --> 00:22:13,897
Hey, check out this smooth move.
439
00:22:15,315 --> 00:22:16,942
Hey, Katie.
440
00:22:18,401 --> 00:22:19,778
Can you do this?
441
00:22:25,242 --> 00:22:26,744
How crass.
442
00:22:26,827 --> 00:22:29,788
That guttersnipe is doing
push-ups in front of Katie.
443
00:22:29,872 --> 00:22:34,543
How does he keep his body so horizontal
when he's doing the push-up?
444
00:22:34,627 --> 00:22:38,631
It's very easy. Any
novice crewsman can do it.
445
00:22:40,924 --> 00:22:43,802
Clench the butt, keep the gut pulled in.
446
00:22:43,886 --> 00:22:45,596
Perpendicularity is your friend.
447
00:22:46,889 --> 00:22:49,224
I could muster a few of these myself.
448
00:22:49,307 --> 00:22:53,395
Get off the deck, you halfwits,
before I put you there permanently!
449
00:22:53,478 --> 00:22:55,689
Of course, Blake.
450
00:23:04,907 --> 00:23:10,370
Oh. Hey, heard you went the distance
with Drew at the burp contest.
451
00:23:10,453 --> 00:23:11,914
Yeah.
452
00:23:11,997 --> 00:23:15,250
I lost pretty bad, but I'm
glad I stood up for myself.
453
00:23:15,333 --> 00:23:18,378
So, you think you're gonna stick
around a little bit longer?
454
00:23:18,461 --> 00:23:20,548
- Yeah.
- Cool.
455
00:23:21,590 --> 00:23:23,091
Why does your hair look like that?
456
00:23:23,175 --> 00:23:25,427
Oh, it's something my girlfriend did.
457
00:23:25,510 --> 00:23:27,763
I think it's kind of
weird, but she likes it.
458
00:23:27,846 --> 00:23:30,724
You know how it is. Woman's gotta have it.
459
00:23:30,808 --> 00:23:32,392
Don't get carried away, Coop.
460
00:23:32,475 --> 00:23:33,977
I think I know what I'm doing.
461
00:23:34,061 --> 00:23:37,648
I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing.
But, uh... you're funny.
462
00:23:37,731 --> 00:23:39,066
All right.
463
00:23:44,529 --> 00:23:47,032
No, no. You listen to me.
We need more money!
464
00:23:48,533 --> 00:23:49,993
Well, something has to change!
465
00:23:50,077 --> 00:23:52,746
Do you know how much it
costs to run this camp?
466
00:23:54,623 --> 00:23:56,499
No, no, no, sir. It's okay, no.
467
00:23:56,584 --> 00:23:58,335
I... I wasn't threatening you.
468
00:23:58,418 --> 00:24:00,545
I was just trying to explain that...
Don't...
469
00:24:00,629 --> 00:24:02,965
No, no, no, don't hang up!
Don't hang up, please...
470
00:24:03,048 --> 00:24:04,675
Hello? Hello?
471
00:24:04,758 --> 00:24:07,094
Argh! God damn it!
472
00:24:13,183 --> 00:24:16,228
Hey! Greg. I didn't see you there.
473
00:24:16,311 --> 00:24:18,480
- Mitch, hi.
- What's up?
474
00:24:18,563 --> 00:24:21,066
I was just eavesdropping. What's going on?
Everything all right?
475
00:24:21,149 --> 00:24:23,026
Oh, yeah, I was just having a snack.
You know?
476
00:24:23,110 --> 00:24:27,197
And I was on the phone, uh, with the, um...
477
00:24:28,323 --> 00:24:31,076
the volleyball salesman.
478
00:24:31,869 --> 00:24:34,121
You know, it's volleyball
season, and, uh...
479
00:24:34,204 --> 00:24:36,498
I was trying to order
the nets and the balls
480
00:24:36,581 --> 00:24:39,292
and he's jacking up the prices,
481
00:24:39,376 --> 00:24:41,586
'cause, like I said,
it's volleyball season,
482
00:24:41,670 --> 00:24:45,758
so that's the time when they
can do that, and, uh...
483
00:24:45,841 --> 00:24:50,971
that's why I was a little bit angry and
I threw the lamp and then you came in.
484
00:24:51,054 --> 00:24:54,057
So it was all mainly about
the volleyball nets.
485
00:24:54,141 --> 00:24:55,600
How you doing?
486
00:24:55,684 --> 00:24:57,185
- I'm good.
- Good.
487
00:24:57,269 --> 00:24:58,771
- I'm great.
- Good.
488
00:24:58,854 --> 00:25:01,899
- If there's anything I can do...
- You know what you can do, my man?
489
00:25:01,982 --> 00:25:05,610
Go out there and make this
the best summer ever. Right?
490
00:25:05,694 --> 00:25:08,781
Camp Firewood's an idea,
and all that I said.
491
00:25:08,864 --> 00:25:10,198
Right? All the stuff.
492
00:25:10,282 --> 00:25:12,409
- All right, Mitch.
- Good, good, good. Go have fun.
493
00:25:12,492 --> 00:25:14,703
- All right.
- Okay, good to see you.
494
00:25:14,787 --> 00:25:16,705
- All right.
- I'm going to eat some more.
495
00:25:16,789 --> 00:25:18,623
- Okay.
- Yup.
496
00:25:48,361 --> 00:25:49,947
Oh, God.
497
00:25:50,030 --> 00:25:51,489
What have I done?
498
00:26:05,838 --> 00:26:09,174
- That's the last barrel.
- Now let's get out of here.
499
00:26:09,176 --> 00:26:11,176
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