THEME MUSIC PLAYS
This programme contains strong language
THEME MUSIC CONTINUES
INAUDIBLE SPEECH
HISSING
Oh, what's that?
Oh, Jesus, summat's blown. Summat... Pull in here.
Pull in here. I cannot believe this.
ENGINE SPUTTERS
Nothing!
Gasket's gone. She's pissing oil here.
Hey, as luck would have it...
Need a bit of help, boys?
Do we! MAN SPITS
Mick Bustin's the name.
And so to the night Colin, my sister Sharon's boyfriend,
was coming round to our place for the first time.
I think I'll meet Colin at the top of the street, Mam.
Don't be so silly.
You're building it up too much.
And I've told your dad not to embarrass you.
And he won't be wearing them plimsolls, will he?
I don't know, I told him not to!
DOORBELL DOG BARKS
I'll get that. Fred.
All right, all right, I'm not a crackpot.
Hello, Mr Baker, I'm Colin.
Well you can fuck off for a start.
Fred! What?
I've, er... I've come to pick Sharon up.
No, no, no, mate. The only thing you'll be picking up
dressed like that is your nose off the pavement
if you don't shift, son. Leave him alone!
Hello, boy, don't mind him, he don't mean it. Don't I?
If you think I'm letting a daughter of mine walk out
with some soapy fucker in plimsolls, you've got another think coming.
I'll meet you by the bus stop. Oi, oi, oi!
I'll be up there myself in a couple of minutes
and if you're still there,
you're going straight under the next double-decker, all right?
DOOR SLAMS DOG BARKS
For God's sake, Dad.
What do you have to go and talk to him like that for? Well...
Then you get the bill. Can I have the ,bill please? Love that.
The international sign of the bill.
A little signature in mid-air -
works in any country in the world, that.
HE MOUTHS
LAUGHTER
Or the little pad.
HE MOUTHS
They know what you want.
But be careful - if you're going to get the bill, watch out,
because basically you're accepting responsibility for adding up.
I've been on lovely nights out, it all goes tits up when t'bill comes. No-one knows who's paying.
If you're on a works do or something like that and there's, like, 12 of you,
are you going to split it 12 ways? What are you going to do?
There's always some gobby cow who takes charge
cos she's got a calculator on her thigh phone.
"I'll work it out here.
"Leave me alone, wait here, it's long divisions. 20, 28...
"That's 28.23 each. 28.23 each.
"That's including tip, Janice.
"I've got �60 going in, �60 going in.
"Seven, eight, your ones, your twos, your fives, your change.
"There's �2 back to you. �3.54 change."
"Can we pay part card, part cash?"
"I've got a system here, dickhead, do you mind?
"You're disrupting at all. �5 back."
There'll be some really nice girl on her own, give you 30 quid.
"That can stay there cos I'm not taking it.
"�30 can stay there."
"You didn't have any wine.
"You didn't have a starter. You didn't have a main meal!
"You only had a bread stick then you were in t'toilets an hour.
"And it's your birthday."
"That can stay there, I'm not taking it."
"I didn't have dough balls."
"Fuck off with your dough balls, will you? �2 there.
"Someone's not paid. I'm still short here."
"I've not... I'm...
"They've what? They've gone?"
Oh! There's always some couple who sneaks off early, tight arses.
They've got a baby-sitter.
You've got to watch that, that'll fester.
They'll still be talking about that in 12 months.
Next Christmas, out again, a few wines.
"Are you going to pay this year
"or are you going to fucking slope off like you did last year?"
I don't care whose it is, I don't care what it is,
it's floating.
Well... GHOSTBUSTER-ESQUE MUSIC PLAYS
..there's shit in your carburettor.
Who's done that? Is the gasket pissing oil?
Yep. What did I tell you?
She's been screwed, I'll tell you that for free.
Well, can you fix it?
We're busy. But leave it with me.
I'll get stuck up her this afternoon.
Trust me, Brian, trust me,
they'll all want one when they've seen yours.
Where've I heard that before? Indoor golf? Foxy boxing?
I've just got shot of your six foot Kerplunk.
HE STUTTERS
Have a ride!
THEY ALL LAUGH
Hallelujah, praise the Lord!
Praise Brian Potter. It was me that got it.
I'll get the champagne.
You'll get no such thing. ..special. 13 quid a bottle. What?
Special.
I don't give two BLEEP.
Action. I thought...
LAUGHTER
That was you, sorry. Go on, go on, go on.
OK, here we go.
And...
PETER GIGGLES I'm not ready yet, sorry.
Hang on.
Action.
One sec. One, two, three.
I thought Den Perry... I can't. His...
OK, cut it there.
So the next thing, I woke up, I turned round,
who was in bed next to me?
Bonnie Langford!
Look at that lot, like pigs on heat.
Nearly broke her back.
PETER GIGGLES
I don't think I'll be getting my end way tonight.
You know you're addicted to sex. I am.
It's an illness, Michael Douglas had it.
Sorry.
You know you're addicted to sex. I am.
It's an illness, Michael Douglas had it.
PETER GIGGLES
I can't, I'm sorry.
It's just them going past.
It's too much. LAUGHTER
Where are your water beds? You what?
Water beds.
Beds with water in.
Water beds.
Yeah, it's his stag night.
Is it money you want? Cos I've got money, Mick.
Oi, Tattoo! Get off that fag machine!
Who are you calling Tattoo, you long streak of piss?
SHOUTING
Paddy! I'm in!
Come here, you little bastard!
Come on, then!
Come here, you little bastard!
Cut!
Straight down there, it's the door on your right.
Um, do you take NUS? What?
Do you take NUS?
I don't take nothing. I don't take any of that shit, love.
PADDY LAUGHS
LAUGHTER
Do you take NUS?
I don't take any of that shit, love, and neither will you...
Can we go from the top? Balls to it.
I'm going to get a BLEEP migraine here!
He just whacked me on the side of the face, for Christ's sake!
Turn it off! There's too much smoke!
LAUGHTER
Freddy. Fred?
Floating.
Freddy? DOG BARKS QUIETLY
Can you help Lil out? Why, what's the matter?
Radio Rental say they're coming round to take our telly back.
Where's Walt? Oh, he's gone out.
God, he'll have the right hump about it.
The Avengers is on tonight. He likes that.
Right.
Yes? I'm from Radio Rentals.
I'm sorry, but I've come to take the set back.
God. Um...
Suppose you'd better come in, then.
DOOR CLOSES
Who's this? It's Radio Rentals.
This is my husband, Walter.
The man's come to... I've come to repossess the set.
You what?! Stand aside please, sir, it's our property. I'm sorry, Wally.
Well, how long has she been missing the payments?
About eight weeks now. Oh! I'm really sorry! Honestly, I am.
I'm sure you are...now.
Look, I've been giving her the money, mate.
She's been spending it. Well, it was only on food, Wally.
Bollocks to food. She's been at the bingo with it!
Here, go on, take the thing, take it!
Sorry about this, mate. Can't apologise enough.
HE GRUNTS AND STRAINS
As soon as you're out that door, mate, I'll knock it out of her.
Please, Wally, I didn't mean to. No, and I won't mean to neither.
Not in front of the man, Wally. He won't save you.
Now, now, wait a minute, Mr Shaw. I don't want this to get nasty.
You clear off. I'll sort this myself.
No, no, please! Please! I don't want to cause any ructions.
I can't leave it like this.
How about I go back and have a word about extending your credit?
Oh, could you?
Oh, that would be marvellous, mister.
What if I were to do that, sir?
Well, you can pay for it out of your housekeeping,
cos I'm not paying twice!
Yes, Wally. Straight, I will.
Go on, then, put it back.
HE GROANS JOINTS CRACK
Actually, could I try it over there? I always wanted to move it.
Actually, I did like it better where it was.
What did I tell you? They're crafty, these farmers.
I know, but we've got him by the valls here.
THEY LAUGH
We've got him by the valls here.
You're saying "valls". I know, it's funny.
I know, but we've got him by the valls here.
PETER GIGGLES Valls.
We've got him by the valls here.
BLEEP valls!
What did I tell you? They're crafty, these farmers.
No, we've got him by the valls here.
I'll just say balls. Yeah, please do.
Valls is funnier. I'll always look back... It's funny as BLEEP.
Well, let me say valls, then.
What did I tell you? They're crafty, these farmers.
No, we've got him by the valls here. PETER LAUGHS
That's you. I were all right then.
What did I tell you? They're crafty, these farmers.
No, we've got him by the valls here.
THEY LAUGH BLEEP few quid.
We'll be BLEEP quids in. Yes!
Another meeting. Just hang on.
This is it this time and I BLEEP mean it now. All right.
What did I tell you? They're crafty, these farmers. Ha!
What did I tell you? They're crafty, these farmers.
No, we got him by the valls here.
I've got it now. I've not.
What did I tell you? They're crafty, these farmers.
No, I've got him by the valls here.
Everybody... He just couldn't do his line. ..cold and tired and...
PHONE RINGS
OVER PHONE: Hiya. Oh, hi.
How you doing?
Yeah, I'm all right. THUD
What was that? I don't know. Hang on.
All right, can I help you, buddy?
Just having a breather.
Yeah, did you just bang on my roof?
Put my drink down.
Are you all right? Are you having some kind of funny turn? What's up?
No, I'm just having a drink. What's your problem?
Who is it, John? What's my problem?
It's a car, not a coaster, so get it off!
All right! Someone got out of bed the wrong side this morning.
John, who is it? Someone should have stayed in bed,
by the looks of things, you're clearly knackered. You what?
Get it off my roof! You want to have a ride down Halfords,
get yourself some stabilisers. Eh?
Get your bottle off my roof! John?
John, who is it?
Just some chancer.
Chancer? Piss off!
Come again? You heard!
THUD Hey!
Watch the paintwork, all right?
I've told you, I'm just having a minute.
Oh, my God, what's happening? A minute!
Hell, on your bike! I am on my bike.
Are you winding me up? I told you, I'm just having a breather.
A breather? You'll not be able to breathe when I open this door
and knock you on your head.
Are you threatening me? What do you reckon?
Why are you being so aggressive?
Why...why...why am I being aggressive?
Are you deliberately thick?
What's all this about, eh? Aggressive?
I'll show you aggressive when I undo this belt.
Oh, will you now? Yeah, I will, yeah. Yeah. You started it.
Yeah, and I'll fucking finish it.
CYCLIST CHUCKLES Yeah? I will.
Get your bottle off my roof. Yeah. Just go, go. Yeah?
Go! Yeah. Yeah. BOTH: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
CAR HORN HONKS Just go and take a running jump!
HORNS HONK Yeah? Hey, hey! Ah!
That's it, drive off, arsehole!
You're the arsehole, dickhead.
You're the dickhead, you dickhead!
HIGH-PITCHED: Hey-hey! Hey? You what?
Ooh, ooh, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha... Oh!
So funny, you'll laugh your head off.
Peter Kay's The Sound Of Laughter,
out now in paperback.
Tom the tortoise.
Dad adored Tom,
even though they seemed to be constantly arguing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Nah!
I won't tell you again,
stop fucking eating my chrysanths.
Listen to me, that's your side of the garden, and that's mine.
Stay away from my side, do you understand?
Dad, he's a tortoise, he can't understand, can he?
Oh! Ha-ha! He understands all right.
And another thing, stay out of the front room, got it?
This is how Dad spoke to everything, from bluebottles...
BUZZING Go on...
..land on my leg, see what you fucking get.
..to my brother's disappointing lizard.
Oi, liven your ideas up!
Don't you look at me like that.
But Tom in particular just wouldn't be told,
which led to the great teapot disaster of 1973.
TV: Balliol, Williamson. Marie Lloyd.
No... He's thick!
My mum's absolute pride and joy was her collection of novelty teapots.
She's not got one right yet.
Fred...
This is all set-up before it's even started, this.
What?
My teapots just moved.
Moved? What do you mean, moved?
Have a look! They're moving. Bollocks.
TEAPOTS CLATTER GENTLY
Is it the trains doing it?
They did, they just moved.
Danny, go and have a look.
Four-eyes, look at four-eyes here!
Go on, Bamber!
Oh, yeah, yeah, it's Tom, he's stuck underneath.
What, the tortoise? Yeah.
Well, get him out before the whole thing...
SHE SCREAMS No!
Oh, my God! Naughty bastard!
Look at my teapots!
What am I going to do? Sellotape them?
Yeah, I'd run away and all if I was you.
We had to hide Tom away for two weeks
after Dad swore he was going to turn his shell into a jelly mould.
THEY LAUGH PHONES VIBRATE AND DING
Did you go off as well then? Yeah.
Oh, it's Cath Hilton.
She's text you? Yeah, has she text you? What?
It's a link on YouTube. What's this?
Oh, let me see, I can't do it on mine. Ey up.
Oh, it's you!
Hell, on your bike! I am on my bike.
What the...? VIDEO: Are you winding me up?
I told you, I'm just having a breather.
A breather? You'll not be able to breathe
when I open this door and knock you on your head.
That's this morning! Are you threatening me?
That's that cyclist, he must've been filming it!
Oh, that's not fair.
Are you deliberately thick?
What's all this about, eh? Aggressive?
I'll show you aggressive when I undo this belt.
Oh, will you now? Yeah, I will, yeah.
You started it. Yeah, and I'll fucking finish it.
Yeah? I will!
I can't believe this.
Just go, go! Yeah. Go! Yeah? Yeah! BOTH: Yeah.
Yeah. Just go and take a running jump.
Yeah. Hey, hey! Ah!
That's it, drive off, arsehole!
You're the arsehole, dickhead!
I can't believe that! That's out of order.
Let me watch it again.
Don't be watching it again.
Filming for the video was almost complete
but it would take an appearance from Sir Michael Parkinson
and a disappearance from Ronnie Corbett
before Amarillo would be catapulted
into the hearts of the British public.
Thank you very much for doing this.
Thank you very much for doing it. Not at all.
I really appreciate it. Not at all.
Well, we were just told that we were going to sort of muck around
with a silly song
and it seemed to be a wonderful way of being stupid,
with a great friend of mine, Ronnie Corbett, who, again,
for all the sort of pompous... HE MUMBLES POSHLY
..is a very stupid man, basically, he loves being stupid,
so the idea appealed to us,
and we both, of course, liked Peter,
so we thought, yeah, let's give it a go.
What we were not ready for were the three running tracks there.
It looked fairly dangerous,
and the thing I did say before we stood on there
and did our first tentative run through was
we do need a handrail or something like that
because it was dangerous and is dangerous.
Uh, you never do that in a gym.
The other thing about these treadmills were,
because they were so old,
they ran at different speeds as well.
Some were slow and one of them was fast so we had to...
There was no, like, gears on them,
we just had to keep, through trial and error,
try and get them roughly at the same speed.
I mean, Ronnie comes in, he's 75,
we get on the treadmills,
we're marching along, singing a song...
# Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
# Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la... #
What you noticed was, as soon as we got a feel of it,
we started enjoying it - little Ronnie was chirping away.
Chirping, he was, like a little wren.
I've not seen him like that
since the last time he was at the Palladium.
# Just beyond the highway
# There's an open plain... #
He's proper going for it, Ronnie.
I mean, if you watch him, he starts doing all this kind of...
Ooh! Oh! Ugh! Ooh! Ah!
What's all that about?
I couldn't see that cos I'm slightly on an angle in front of them both
# Dreamin' dreams of Amarillo
# And sweet Marie who waits for me... #
It's exactly like watching a bloke approaching a banana skin.
You see the banana skin, you see the bloke
and you just know what's going to happen.
And he put his foot down
and he put it on the non-revolving bit,
that's what happened,
and the next thing I saw was he flew past me horizontally like that.
HE LAUGHS
# Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la... #
I thought, "Where's he going?"
And Peter started laughing and I started laughing.
It was nothing to laugh at at all.
# And Marie who waits for me. #
Jesus Christ.
And all the whole crew, as soon as he fell,
they all went like that.
They all turned and walked to the back of the room,
like, stifling their laughs.
And I then went rushing in to pick him up.
What I'd forgotten was, in the excitement,
that I'd broken my shoulder and it wasn't really connected there
and I had no strength in it at all.
He's going, "Pick me up, pick me up."
He's going, "I can't, I can't."
Oh, I see. You what?
Are you all right? Are you sure?
Yes, I'm fine.
Me and Parky are still marching
cos no-one's turned it off
because they're either laughing or they just haven't twigged,
no-one shouted cut.
No, I know!
So we went over to the monitors and we watched it back
and everyone's kind of...
They don't... They kind of don't want to laugh
cos it might be disrespectful to him and...but you can't help it,
and you can see us roaring laughing at it when we watch it back.
It's going, here we go!
# Is this the way to Amarillo?
# Every night I've been hugging my pillow
# Dreamin' dreams of Amarillo
# And sweet Marie who waits for me. #
Oh, look!
Play that in slow motion.
Play the pratfall in slow motion, see what happens.
LAUGHTER
Ronnie watched it back and I think he were a bit made up then,
cos he hadn't hurt himself -
I think he'd hurt his elbow or something,
but he wasn't, like, taken away to A&E -
and we all had a laugh about it.
He didn't do it again,
I mean, we'd got what we needed - and we had as well!
Peter knew he'd got gold in the can, basically, that was it,
and we all knew that actually,
we all knew it would be one of those things that would be played
again and again and again because it's just funny.
That was the funniest thing that has ever happened to me.
I laughed... I laughed... I'll tell you how I laughed -
about four o'clock in the morning,
I sat up in bed laughing hysterically
cos I just couldn't laugh enough.
I can't get over that.
He's made me look like a right bellend
and he was the one who caused it.
RADIO: The big, big drive home.
This is Forever FM. PHONE BLEEPS
Oh. Christ, now what?
Who else has seen it?
Oh, it's Pamela from non-foods.
It's another link. Where's your phone? Quick.
Jesus Christ.
Look on yours.
MUSIC: Jump (For My Love) by The Pointer Sisters
# For my love On yer bike
# Jump! Jump in!
# And feel my touch On yer bike
# Jump! # What's all that?
VIDEO: Put you on yer he-e-ead.
How's he done that?
# Why ma being deliberately thick?
# Jump! Jump in
# Why ma being a-a-a dickhead? #
Oh, no. # Jump!
# Why ma being a fucking Arsehole! #
It is very clever.
Clever? That's outrageous!
And look at that! 8,000 views now!
I've gone bloody viral.
GHOSTBUSTER-ESQUE MUSIC PLAYS
Is she ready?
She is.
It wasn't easy,
we've sweated like a couple of pregnant nuns on that thing.
What, changing a gasket?
A gasket?
That was the tip of the iceberg, that, duck.
It was like opening Pandora's box, opening that bonnet.
How much?
500.
500 pound or pence?
Let me have a look at her. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I ain't finished yet.
Oh, you've finished! Give us the keys.
I wish I could, me old duck,
but it ain't quite as simple as that.
Look, buddy,
I'm tired,
I've not changed my underpants,
give me the keys,
or I'll be doing a bit of busting, Mick Bustin.
And I'll do your dentist a favour and knock them bastards out.
Capeesh?
Les! Dennis!
TOOLS CLATTER
Like I said, 500 or she's going nowhere.
Oh, so that's the way you want to play it, is it?
Prison rules, OK.
Well, don't worry, we'll be back.
We'll be back.
We're open till six.
Whenever my nan went on holiday, it was my job to go round
and feed her goldfish and her budgie.
In the process, I worked out
that me and my newly acquired girlfriend, Yvonne,
would have the flat to ourselves for a few hours.
Um, yeah, um, are you going to take your trousers off? No way.
BIRD SQUAWKS
KEYS JANGLE
What was that? It's all right, it's all right.
I've got the only key.
VOICEOVER: What I should have added there were the words "I think".
KEYS JANGLE
DOOR OPENS
BIRD SQUEAKS
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
DOOR KNOB RATTLES
WHISPERS: We should go.
My God.
Oh, my good God!
Oh...
Oh, I've gone blind!
Oh! In my mother's bedroom!
Argh! Right!
You get home now, you dirty little bastard.
SHE BANGS ON DOOR I am telling your father right now,
and yours, Yvonne.
Fred, he's in now. Right, leave him to me. Oh, don't hurt him.
I know exactly what to do here. Are you all right now?
Well, I am, but I shall never get over what I saw.
HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
Where are you?
LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS
Your mother's been downstairs crying all day long
cos of what she's seen round Nan's.
She said it was like a fucking knocking shop round there.
You had your trousers round your ankles showing all you ain't got.
Who the fuck do you think you are,
Joey Hendricks or whatever he's called? Have you gone batchy?
I've never heard anything like it in all my life!
Take no notice, son, it's just for her, this.
I was the same at your age.
And you can go to bed hungry tonight, bollocks to your tea!
And bollocks to going out the rest of the week and all.
Getting on all right, was you, before she turned up?
Have you got that? You're a disgrace, you are.
Don't forget it!
DOOR SLAMS
It's locked. You don't say. Round the back.
'THE A-TEAM' THEME MUSIC PLAYS
Come on!
The window. Mate, give us a peg up.
Hey, this could be a job for Magnet and Steel, this.
Just come on.
One, two, three.
Oh... Oh, God.
Oh!
Oi!
THEY CHAT AND LAUGH
A few pints tonight, I'll be glad to...
Who's left the workshop lights on?
It's one of you two pillocks.
Oh, yes.
Quick, try these.
Just get a move on, they're coming!
Quick, get in, get in! Hang on a minute!
It's them two bastards!
BOTH: Ayyy!
That's 500 quid down the dip there.
TYRES SCREECH
Get the keys, get the keys!
Oh, fuck!
THEY CHEER
I love it when a plan comes together, Patrick.
Oh, yes!