We're gonna use a fan brush here.
And I want you to take some Hunter Green.
And we'll put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner.
And that'll just be our little secret.
And if you tell anyone that that bush is there...
...I will come to your house and I will cut you!
PETER: Mine doesn't look anything like his.
The hell with it!
[Theme from Family Ties playing]
LOIS: [Singing] "It seems today that all you see
"is violence in movies and sex on TV
"But where are those good, old-fashioned values
"on which we used to rely?
"Lucky there's a family guy
"Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you
"all the things that make us
"laugh 'n' cry
"He's a family guy"
Ha! Boy, you throw like a fishwife!
Come on, you hairy lubbin' friggin' rod!
Chris, are you gonna take that from a fisherman?
No way!
[Startled scream]
For the love of Pete!
[Laughing]
CHRIS: I'm good!
How fun.
And it's for a good cause.
All the money goes to the families of fishermen who've been eaten by sharks.
EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor of Quahog, Adam West!
[Applause]
Thank you, thank you, thank you very much.
ADAM WEST: Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
It was 360 years ago that Quahog founder...
...Miles "Chatterbox" Musket set sail...
...for the new colony of Rhode Island.
MILES: You know what I'm gonna do when we get to shore? First...
...I'm gonna have me a snack. No! Shower!
Shower first, snack second. But I hope I see Indians.
You think they'll have American cheese?
WEST: Ever the free thinker...
...Miles was thrown overboard for speaking his mind.
He was as good as dead. But as legend has it...
...he was saved by a magic clam who brought him to shore...
...and shared the vision of a new colony...
...which would be called Quahog.
CLAM: There are fields for tilling, woods for timber and the bounty of the sea.
MILES: Look at all this sand!
Did you know there are beaches with black sand? Did I pack my towel?
CLAM: Are you listening? I'm trying to help you.
ADAM WEST: And help he did. Thanks to the clam's leadership...
...Quahog became a great and prosperous settlement.
But relations between Miles and the clam soon soured.
MILES: I know he's an Indian. But what kind of name is Squanto?
"Leslie" or something like that would be nice.
Shut up! God, keep it to yourself once in a while!
Here. Look what I'm doing. Watch this.
Look, see that? Yeah!
Now try it with me. Okay?
[Sniffing]
[Sighing]
ADAM WEST: Things only got worse.
Before long, Miles began to contemplate killing the clam.
[Sinister instrumental music]
CLAM: I was awake last night, Miles. I saw you.
I think it's time for me to go.
I'll send for my things.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
MILES: Wait! Don't go! I'm sorry!
[Loud crying]
ADAM WEST: Miles never spoke again. But every year until his death...
...from a combination of tuberculosis and a tomahawk to the head...
...he went to the shore on this day...
...in hopes that the magic clam would return.
Today, we citizens of Quahog continue this tradition.
What's that?
Something out at sea?
Clam-ho!
CLEVELAND: They're giving your cue.
Who the hell's idea was it to make this suit out of foam rubber?
It's such an honor to play the magic clam.
LOIS: Aren't you proud of your dad? MEG: Are you kidding?
God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father.
LISA: Bye, Dad! Don't wait up!
Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here.
-You're not going with that make-up. -But Dad!
Upstairs!
You're a McDonald, not a whore!
[Panting]
I think I got a wave here!
[Crowd gasping]
So that's what Peter's penis looks like.
MEG: How could you embarrass me like that?
Nobody better pull this at my slumber party tonight!
Don't worry, honey.
You and your friends will have a great time.
Yes. How delightful it will be.
A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys...
...and music and jellybeans and stickers.
CHRIS: We better stop by the hospital so I can get my cooties shot.
[Laughing]
LOIS: Shut up!
Just leave me and my friends alone tonight, okay?
Will you relax?
None of us will do anything to embarrass you, all right?
I gotta get gas.
Hey, any of you guys want a soda? I'm gonna go inside and get a soda.
MEG: Mom!
Meg, you know your father loves you very much.
Mr. Griffin?
Oh, my God!
Hey, look! It's Kevin from next door.
I didn't know you worked here. Hey, Kevin. Come here!
Say hi to Meg. She's right in there.
Right there.
GIRL: Okay. I'd put Brad Pitt's face...
...on Brendan Fraser's body...
...with Ben Affleck's butt!
[Squeeling]
LOIS: My turn! I'd take James Brolin's face...
...Mark Spitz's body, and Milton Berle's legendary genitals.
What are you doing?
I love slumber parties! Okay, truth or dare?
Who here has gone all the way?
You know, at my sleepovers, we used to practice French kissing.
LOIS: Now everybody pair up! CHRIS: All right, Mom!
Chris, get out of here right now!
CHRIS: I can't. LOIS: Okay. Finish up and then come out.
Have you seen my fake beard? Crap! I'm stuck in the stairs.
God, kill me now.
[Phone ringing]
Hello?
Karen!
All right, I'm gonna need you to boil some water.
And girls, I'm gonna need towels, lots of them! Okay, let's go!
PETER: I'm sorry, Meg's friends. Look, I'll make it up to you.
I'll get you Davy Jones for your school dance.
Jeez, Lois! What is that? Acid?
You guys are ruining my life!
I'm sorry, honey. I know how you must feel.
If you care about me, you won't show your faces downstairs...
...for the rest of the night.
Then it's a good thing I have this.
PETER: "I am not a crook!"
[Laughing]
MEG: Look, I mean it! All of you. Oh, God! Where's Stewie?
Beth, what do you think? Does Mark find you attractive?
I don't know.
Have you asked him?
Not exactly.
All right, look. Let's try some role-playing.
I'll be Mark.
And you ask me out to the box social or whatever you children do these days.
LOIS: Peter, don't! God, your hands are like ice!
Just here. Give it to me.
That'll warm it up a little.
That's nice.
[Peter moaning]
LOIS: Peter, wait till.... PETER: Shazam!
LOIS: Peter.
[Screaming]
Hey, what happened to your friends?
My family scared them away.
I just wish there was some way they could understand how embarrassing they are.
DIANE: Welcome back to Diane!
Erica, it's time for Mario's little confession.
Erica, you know I love you. But I gotta come clean.
I'm not really a man.
I'm a woman.
[Cheering]
My God! You're a woman?
Actually, I'm not really a woman.
I'm a horse!
[Cheering]
My God! You're a horse?
Actually, I'm not really a horse.
I'm a broom.
[Cheering]
DIANE: Okay. So how do you feel?
To be honest with you, Diane, I'm surprised.
PETER: Man, this is a great show.
They drag these idiots up on stage and then blindside them.
Like this one guy didn't know he was actually two midgets.
Those poor, unsuspecting people.
Well, maybe some of them deserved it.
DIANE: Hello. And welcome to Diane!
Today's guest is tired of being embarrassed by her family.
Meg, how did you get these tickets again?
Let's bring them up right now.
Whatever problems we have can be settled in the privacy--
DIANE: The Griffin family!
Suckers.
[Cheering]
Uh-oh.
And we're back.
Griffins, do you have anything to say to your daughter?
I can't believe you'd do this to us.
Maybe now I won't give you the antidote.
To what?
To the poison you just drank.
[Laughing]
MEG: See what I mean? This is not normal!
STEWIE: You there, Bingo.
It seems the naughty baby has made a messy-poo in his....
I say, what's this?
Volume!
Look, what's the big deal?
I mean, we're just a regular American family.
We have family dinners, and we go to church together--
And you even manage to humiliate me there.
[Organ playing religious music]
-Is that really the blood of Christ? -Yes.
Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day.
We have a caller on the line. Go ahead.
STEWIE: Yes. I say, do you have Prince Albert in a can?
[Laughing]
Quiet. Shut up.
You'd better let him out!
[Laughing]
BRIAN: That's hilarious.
Meg, you have two parents who love you and....
What does that say under me?
Oh, go...yourself, Diane!
[Gasping]
She said a swear!
Peter, do you think there might be any validity to what Meg is feeling?
Who are you calling Uncle Tom?
DIANE: What?
CHRIS: Okay, time out.
CHRIS: This kind of acrimony isn't gonna resolve our differences.
Just shut up and throw a chair.
Okay!
[Cheering wildly]
PETER: Fire! City Hall is burning.
Don't worry. I'll put it out.
[Imitates fire engine siren]
[Laughs]
Great show out there.
If you want an autograph now...
...you either gotta give me a pen or get me some snow.
I look at you and see a series. We want to put cameras...
...in your house and follow the drama that is your family.
Kind of like The Real World.
All right! Then everyone would see me and my wacky antics.
[Screams]
[Laughs]
-So do we have a deal? -Let's shake on it.
[Zipping]
Mom, are we on TV right now?
Yes, Chris. Your father signed a contract.
And now we're gonna be on TV for the next six months.
How could you do this?
You've turned my life into the 24-Hour Loser Channel!
STEWIE: You, cameraman!
Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter!
If it makes her look human, it should take six months off my face.
I find the toothpaste with the pump...
...is a little easier to get on the brush.
You might've noticed my underwear has a hole in it.
You know, I don't see any reason to throw it out.
The waist is still fine.
You know, see? It's still real stretchy.
MEG: Mom, you have to do something!
Dad's on TV parading around in his underwear like some gross European guy!
LOIS: Now, sweetie, your father's just a free spirit.
Here.
A good breakfast is the foundation of a good day.
BRIAN: And a bad breakfast is the foundation of indigestion.
[Hollering]
Hi, I'm Brian.
STEWIE: What the hell is this?
I said egg whites only!
Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack?
Make it again!
The breakfast thing. Yes.
It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks.
I have no problem....
There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me.
And it's not so much that I want to "kill" her.
It's just I want her not to be alive anymore.
I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult.
And then I think to myself, "My God...
"...wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
One time my dad pooped in the neighbor's yard and then lied about it.
I knew it!
Well, I'm glad I used his shovel to clean it up!
Joe, this sort of makes you like Larry from Three's Company.
You know, I always thought he was sexy.
I am all about Larry over here!
On Sundays we generally catch the early-bird special...
...here at The Lobster Shanty.
Fresh seafood, good prices.
Plus it's a shanty.
And you get to pick your own lobster.
Yes. That one looks like he's got some fight in him.
Take off the rubber bands! I'm going in!
My God! It is them!
I can't believe the Griffins eat here like everyday people!
We're, like, trying to eat here.
Meg, put your bib on.
I don't want to wear a bib.
Meg, honey, it's very cold in here.
Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.
She means your nipples are sticking out!
Mom!
[Laughs]
Nipples!
That's it! I want those cameras off!
Fourth wall! You're breaking the fourth wall!
You're the one that got us on TV in the first place.
Now I'm getting us off TV. I quit!
This isn't necessarily a bad thing.
-We can't do the show without Meg. -Why not?
Our research shows she's the least popular character on the show.
But everyone loves the rest of you.
Lois, women 25 to 49, they see you as a role model.
-Really? -Absolutely.
-What about me? -You!
Look, the bottom line is you folks are all still under contract. Okay?
But I've come up with a solution I think will make everyone happy.
TEACHER: Jason Gallagher. JASON: Present.
Meg Griffin.
-Sorry I'm late, Mr.-- -Here.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Hello?
PETER: Over here.
Thank you for meeting us here. Can I offer you a cigarette?
Sorry. We have to keep this brief.
MEG: Why are we here? PETER: No cameras!
The TV executives don't want viewers to think you're Meg Griffin.
You're gonna let them recast me?
It could've been worse. They could've gone with Plan B.
Brian, put a mask on.
I have an announcement.
"Meg Griffin's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan.
"It spun in.
"There were no survivors."
Who do I see about a Section Eight?
Fine! Do your stupid show without me! I'll be over at Cleveland's house!
I don't even want to be a part of this family anymore!
PETER: She'll be okay. Come on. We gotta get back.
The cameramen think we're taking Chris to soccer practice.
We're gonna be late!
Why won't you talk to me?
Meg, honey.
Our home is your home for as long as you like.
We could offer you the guest room provided it doesn't bother you...
...that my Great Uncle Chet died in there.
Oh. I guess not.
When did he die?
We think sometime between The Tonight Show...
...and The Today Show.
[Carefree laughter]
You know, some people think that dandelions are weeds.
But you know, I always think...
...who the hell decided tulips were so great?
PETER: Hey, I'm over here.
Hi, Chris.
You know my name?
Of course I do, silly. I'm your sister, Meg.
Oh.
I don't know if Mom and Dad told you, but we usually have breakfast naked.
And I'm allowed to videotape it.
My skin's getting so slippery. Hope I don't pop out of my top!
Camera guy. Check this out.
"Peter Griffin and Madam."
Madam, you're a lusty old gal, aren't you?
"You're the one with your hand up my backside, darling."
Oh! She got me.
Hey, come back here.
She's gonna sing Rainbow Connection.
MEG: Mr. Quagmire, can I use your toothpaste?
-My God. Excuse me. -Hey, no problem.
You probably bought me another three minutes!
The funniest thing happened at work today. There was this--
FAKE MEG: Hi. PETER: Hey!
I had the worst day.
First I didn't make cheerleader because I'm so plain.
And I still don't have a date for Friday night, as usual.
I'm going to write in my journal...
...about how I'll never grow big, full breasts like these!
It's not fair, Lois.
If I don't get any airtime, how will I get my own spin-off...
...where I'm a retired baseball umpire who opens a bar...
...at the center of the earth?
[Peppy instrumental music]
You know, we don't get many of you molten-rock men in here.
At these prices, I'm not surprised!
That's it, pal!
You are outta here!
[Cheering]
To hell with the cameras!
How could we ever let them replace our little girl?
-I miss her, Peter. -Me, too.
She's like that dorky Baldwin brother who isn't as good-looking or successful...
...and never answers my letters, but he's still a Baldwin!
And so is Meg! Let's go get her back!
PRODUCER: What can I do for you?
I'll tell you what you can do.
Fire that sexy, interesting version of our daughter...
...and make us a family again, or we walk!
Fire her? She's the highest testing character on the show.
Besides, you can't quit. You have a contract.
Oh, yeah? Here's what I think of your contract!
I think it's awful, and I don't much care for it at all, my good sir.
Let's go. We're outta here.
You put me in a very awkward position, Peter.
But I guess I have no choice.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
MEG: Mom? Dad?
I'm home!
Who are you?
We're the Griffins.
MEG: No, you're not. You're Tom Arnold. And you're Fran Drescher.
And you're that fat guy from Boogie Nights.
And you're the Olsen twins?
Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!
Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?
FRAN: Oh, Peter, you promised me...
...you wouldn't drink at the stag party.
[High-pitched nasal laugh]
I do not sound like that! This is terrible.
We're the laughing stock of the town! And we've lost our daughter!
[Knocking at door]
-Meg! -Mom.
Look, I don't care if you guys embarrass me. I want to come home.
Sweetie. It's good to have you back.
PETER: Hey, honey. I'm sorry we missed your ball game.
What?
Here's an ice cream. We love you, Meg.
I love you, too.
[Tender instrumental music]
Hey, Lois. There's a Bible in here.
Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian!
I'm reading the Bible!
[Tender instrumental music]
[Sinister instrumental music]
[Theme music]