[cartoon noises]
Hey, D.J., haven't seen you since I got home.
Shut up.
Oh, nice to see you too.
School's going really well.
Shut up.
Yeah, the bus ride home was nice, but, uh,
unfortunately, I was sitting next to this guy who kept singing...
♪ La la la la la la la la la ♪
I'm gonna kill you, Darlene!
Not if I kill you first.
Oh, you kids, if I had a corpse for every time
one of you said that...
She won't shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Shut! Up!
How ironic; Grandma's strapped to a bed in a loony bin,
and yet D.J. walks free.
What are you talkin' about?
Well, thank you for your sensitivity, Darlene.
I was gonna tell you about Grandma Connor, you know.
Last night your dad had to put her into a home.
What kind of home?
A home... not unlike our own.
She's in a mental institution.
Is it because Grandma's crazy?
No, it's because she's... tired.
Yeah, tired of being sane.
Well, "crazy" is a mean word to use, D.J.
Your grandmother is just emotionally, um--
Well, she's had some emotional, uh--
She's a tad nutty.
How long has she been like this?
I don't know.
Only in our family can someone be a nut case for 20 years
without anyone noticing.
We notice, Darlene; we're just ignoring you.
Did Grandma do crazy things?
Well, there was that one tip-off.
Remember when she was in Florida,
she sent us that postcard that said,
"Having a great time. Wish I was here."
I don't think you should be making fun of Grandma.
We're not making fun, D.J.
This is just our way of coping, you know?
Instead of crying and saying my grandmother's
in a mental institution, we say, uh, well,
at least Grandma is with other people
who share her interests in hand-washing.
[laughing]
Mornin'.
Oh, man.
Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.
Listen, I need to talk about this.
Why? It didn't happen to your mom.
Yeah, I know; if it would've happened to my mom,
at least it would make sense.
Talk.
Well, I just have some questions is all.
Um, you know, when your parents got divorced, when was that?
Uh, let's see...
I was wearing a size 8, so that's about
10 years ago, right?
Right.
And remember when your mom got hospitalized
for exhaustion then?
Um, was that a mental hospital?
Yes, it was a mental hospital.
Her husband of 32 years had just walked out on her,
so she got a little depressed.
Go figure.
Were there other times?
Once.
Really?
My dad used to go away on business trips
when I was a kid and one time,
he took off without even telling my mom.
Two weeks, no phone calls, no nothin'.
She didn't know where he was.
He really did that?
Yeah, he really did that. Wow.
And it wrecked her so bad that she had to go away
for a little while.
Yeah.
Well, I just had no idea.
Well, I told you that my dad
treated my mom like crap.
Well, yeah, I know that, but, I mean,
I didn't know he was that bad
and I didn't know that it affected her so much.
Well, of course it affected her; he was horrible to her.
It's amazing that she held up as well as she did.
Well, so...
so it must've been really hard on you, huh, Dan?
No, it wasn't hard on me. It's was hard on her.
She made it okay for me. She was a great mother.
She didn't teach her kids to make jokes about things
that aren't funny.
Hey, the kids are just tryi'' to handle this, okay?
We all feel really bad about what happened to your mother.
Really? Well, you could never tell.
Of course, you could never tell
anybody gives a damn about anything around here.
All we do is yell at each other and make jokes.
Well, Dan, I'm really upset that you've forgotten
the occasional fist fight.
That's perfect, Roseanne.
I'm just tryin' every way I know how.
Try somethin' else. [door closes]
Hey, Mom, you know, he probably just doesn't
feel comfortable talkin' to you
because your mother never went insane.
Don't worry, I'll talk to him.
[laughing]
Alright, sweetie, you go to bed now.
I hope you're planning to sing him a proper lullaby
and not that rock 'n roll you sang last time.
It was Puff the Magic Dragon.
Square old bat.
[door bell]
I'm not so square that I don't know
that song's about reefer.
Let's see what Roseanne thinks.
You think it's a good idea to encourage infants
to do drugs?
Jackie, what is the matter with you?
I told you you have to wait till he's at least three
before you go and buy him one of those Fisher-Price bongs.
Make your little jokes now, but you'll wish
you listened to me when that boy is 16
and he's wearing an earring and dungarees.
So is Dan doing any better?
No, he isn't and it just sucks.
I mean, you know, he's sleeping right next to me,
but there's just nothing I can do about it.
And he's gettin' really nasty too.
I mean, you know, he called me a bad mother.
I think.
I couldn't really hear him 'cause D.J.
was running by with scissors.
You're not a bad mother, Roseanne.
A bad mother thinks one blanket is enough
in the dead of winter.
Where do you keep them, Jackie?
In the basement...
with the asbestos.
Grandma to the rescue again.
Breathe deep, old woman.
It's just so weird, you know, all that stuff he told me.
I don't know, it's like his family's
way more screwed up than he ever let on before.
Well, maybe he was ashamed.
Ashamed? He's been married to me for 21 years.
You'd think he'd be numb to shame by now.
I don't know, Roseanne. It is kinda bad.
I mean, think about it.
His mom beat our mom to the loony bin.
And I can't even get him to talk about Audrey, you know?
He's so defensive.
It's like he has to believe she was, like,
the world's greatest mother.
Egad, imagine a child loving his mother.
I hope you didn't snap him out of it, Roseanne.
This is not about Dan loving his mother, okay?
You can still love your mother even though you know
that she is a crazy old shrew.
Don't think that I can't read
between those lines, Roseanne.
You know, Dan's mother was lucky she had sons.
Sons always treat their mothers with respect.
Ugh, look at the stains!
I assumed because it was folded it was clean.
You know, you're right, Mom.
Dan's mother was lucky and we don't treat you
with enough respect.
Shoulda had sons.
Hey, Darlene?
I was reading how if your grandmother's insane,
there's a one-out-of-three chance
that you will be too, so...
there's a test here to look for the early warning signs.
Oh, man, not another one of those ink blots
that looks like the devil stabbing me.
Hey, guys, what are you doin'?
Oh, nothin', just takin' a test.
Man, I hate tests.
Oh, this one's different.
When you're done with this one,
you don't hand the nurse a plastic cup.
Okay, question number one:
"When you put your shoes on, do put them on
one at a time or both at once?"
Both at once.
Okay, that was an easy one.
Question number two:
"What color is the sound of a dog barking?"
Bright green.
Green or bright green. Both are acceptable.
Question number three: "Pick one: triangle, hat, or boat."
Triangle?
Boat.
That's right.
Question number four:
"Do you ever relive the same moment twice?"
No. Very good.
Question number four: "Do you ever relive the same moment twice?"
No. Very good.
[Becky] Hey, guys, what are you doin'?
Oh, nothin', just takin' a test.
Man, I hate tests.
Oh, this one's different.
When you're done with this one,
you don't hand the nurse a plastic cup.
Dan, Dan, now you're gonna wake the babies.
Now, why don't you just calm down
and Roseanne will be here any minute to take you home.
[drunken slur] No, Crystal, I told you
I'd come here to talk to my father.
I'm not leaving until I do.
I told you he's not here. He's on a business trip.
What a surprise. Prepare yourself, Crystal.
You may not hear from him for two weeks.
Dan, I think you should leave.
Well, I don't think I should leave.
You know who I think should leave?
I think you should leave.
I think you should get away from him.
Pack up the stuff, grab the kids.
I'll give you a hand.
Hey, Lonnie, get that chair!
Dan, Dan, put that down.
Lonnie, why don't you go get Dan some nice, hot coffee?
Now, now listen.
I'm married to your father and I'm not leavin'.
Oh, come on, Crystal, don't let him do to you what he did to her.
You haven't heard your father's side.
He's a good man.
Damn it, he is not!
[yelps] Dan, you're scarin' me!
Look, Crystal, he doesn't love you.
He doesn't love the kids.
He just goes away all the time
and he leaves you alone by yourself,
then he comes back and he says, look, honey,
I got you a lamp.
Lonnie, Lonnie, come here.
Now, you gotta talk to your mom,
you gotta tell her to get out
because he's wrecki'' your family.
No-- no he's not.
Dan, I forbid you to talk to my son that way.
Now-- now why don't you have a little coffee.
You're not listening to me.
Come on, you need it.
This is not way for you to act in your father's house!
I am not drinki'' his damn coffee!
Well, that's always the first sign
that he's had too much caffeine.
Rosie, you got nothin' to do here.
Just get out.
No, Dan, that would be rude.
Crystal would be very insulted
if I didn't throw a cup at the wall too.
Well, I'm not leavin'.
Not till I talk to the son of a bitch.
Get out of our house.
Um, that was pretty cute, Lonnie, but, you know,
his ankle is as big as your chest.
Dan, if you're waitin' around to see your dad,
um, you're waiti'' in the wrong place
'cause he's over at our house.
What are you talkin' about?
Yeah, isn't that right, Crystal?
Oh, right, that's where he is.
Yesiree.
Well, why the hell didn't somebody tell me?
Oh, 'cause we wanted it to be a big surprise, you know.
Let's go.
Hey, Crystal...
you know I'm only doin' this to help you.
And you did, Dan, but now you're gonna go home and rest,
so tomorrow you'll be able to help others.
Oh, I'm really sorry, Crystal.
You know he loves ya, but right now he's just
a big, stupid drunk guy that's just in a lot of pain.
It's okay, Roseanne. He just broke a few things.
[rustling]
Oh, and now a shrub. Oh...
Get up, Dan!
Morning, Otis.
Boy, Dad, now that I'm in college,
let me tell you, I know exactly how you feel.
I find that if you just start drinking
right when you wake up, the hangover's gone.
And, you know, you can go about your day with full energy,
whether it's goin' to classes or, you know, raising a family.
You're done, Darlene.
Oh, Dad...
I'm really sorry about Grandma.
I know.
Alright, Darlene, time to leave the house.
You're just a painful reminder
of another bender your dad went on.
Where's the rest of the free-loaders?
Well, I told 'em to get lost, you know,
um, 'cause I thought that we would talk.
Well, they didn't have to leave the house.
Well, I thought we'd maybe talk loud.
So what were you thinking goin' over there all drunk?
Did you think you were gonna go over there and beat him up?
Maybe.
Or at least barf on him.
Well, Crystal called me last night, you know,
and she had some things to say about your mom and dad.
Listen to me, Dan, a person doesn't become mentally ill
because their spouse goes away on business trips.
How in the hell can you say that to me?
Well, think about it, Dan. It can't all be his fault.
Well, what are you sayin'?
Oh, I see, you're tellin' me that if I forgive him,
I'll feel better.
Well, why didn't you say so?
[snaps] Done!
Where's my tap shoes?
This isn't just the third time
your mother's been hospitalized, Dan.
It used to happen a lot when you were a kid
and they told you that she was visiting some relative?
Well, she wasn't.
Where the hell did you hear that?
Crystal.
Oh, that's bull.
My mother was in a bad marriage.
No, Dan.
Crystal told me that your mom was in and out
of a lot of hospitals before your parents even met.
Crystal's protecting him.
Do you wanna call those hospitals--
Stop defending him. Stop!
He let you blame him for everything, Dan.
He took all your crap, all of his life,
just so he could keep your mom lookin' good for you.
No way, no way. I'm not gonna let you do this.
You are not gonna twist this around.
He did a good thing, Dan.
It didn't happen that way.
What you're saying does not make any sense.
It makes perfect sense, Dan.
Why? Huh? Why?
Why wouldn't he tell me about it?
Because maybe he knew he was gonna be gone all the time.
Maybe he figured it would be easier
for a kid to have a bastard for a father
than a crazy person for a mother.
He made her that way.
This was his fault.
No, it wasn't his fault, Dan.
And it wasn't her fault.
And it's not your fault either.
[crying] I can't take this.
Yeah, I know.
I'm gonna take it with you.
[TV, man talking]
[knocking]
[TV shuts off]
Oh, it's my son, the tough guy.
Is there some stuff that you forgot
to break last night?
I just came to help you clean up.
Can I come in?
[sighs]
You know, when you were younger,
at least you had the courage to take your shots at me.
Well, last night you weren't here.
Yeah, well, my family was.
Yeah, look, I'm sorry about the things that I said to Crystal.
At least Crystal, thankfully, is smart enough not to listen
to some drunk who's tearing up her house.
Whoa, who broke the toaster?
Man, I don't even remember being
in the kitchen last night.
Come on, Danny, what are we doin' here?
I can help you fix that. Stop it.
I just wanna talk to you, Dad.
I think we're way past it.
Way past talk.
Now, I got an idea.
Why don't we just call it quits,
go our separate ways?
You're my father, I'm your son. We can't do that.
Why the hell not?
We're both grown men.
We don't need each other anymore.
Let's just say it's done.
Come on, Dad.
You know it was different when I was on my own, okay?
But now, I can't have you comin' over here
and just scarin' the hell out of my family.
I can't leave until we talk about Mom.
That's the difference between you and me.
You can't stop livin' in the past.
It's just--
I ruined your mother's life.
Okay, see, I admit that.
I can't keep apologizing.
Crystal told Roseanne about Mom.
You know, her history.
Well, she shouldn't have done that.
Maybe she shouldn't have, but...
I wish you had.
Some things are private, Dan.
I'm her son. Exactly.
And I didn't you to go around thinkin' bad things
about your mother, because she was a good woman.
Still is.
Yeah, and I know I've said some bad things about you
for a long time.
I just want you to know that I really appreciate--
There you go. There you go.
I mean, you're just gonna drag the past up again, aren't ya?
Don't. Don't.
Look, you don't understand what I'm tryin' to tell ya.
I just wanna tell ya that I really appreciate--
Don't!
Dan... just leave it alone.
If that's the way you want it.
Hey, that toaster is not gonna fix itself.
Okay.
I'll see you later.
Hey, I thought you were gonna fix this thing.
You want me to?
Hey, I didn't break it.
There's a ballgame on. You mind if I watch?
[TV, man speaking]
Sure.
We can make it more interesting, put 20 bucks on it.
I'll take the Bulls.
Huh, my house, I'll take the Bulls.
[laughing] I mean, this is wild.
I don't even remember being in the kitchen last night.
You weren't.
Thing's been broken for months.
Hey, D.J.
I know you guys are just trying to trick me
with this stupid test.
Oops, figured it out.
[door closes]
Hey, D.J.
How'd you do that?
Oops, figured it out.
[door closes]
Hey, D.J. You're not scaring me!
Oops, figured it out.
[door closes] Hey, D.J.
Stop it! Oops, figured it out.
Hey, D.J. Mom!
What's the matter with him?
The kid's losin' it.
Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA