1 00:00:04,955 --> 00:00:07,520 [cartoon noises] 2 00:00:07,522 --> 00:00:09,924 Hey, D.J., haven't seen you since I got home. 3 00:00:09,926 --> 00:00:12,794 Shut up. 4 00:00:12,796 --> 00:00:15,528 Oh, nice to see you too. 5 00:00:15,530 --> 00:00:16,998 School's going really well. 6 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,634 Shut up. 7 00:00:19,636 --> 00:00:22,336 Yeah, the bus ride home was nice, but, uh, 8 00:00:22,338 --> 00:00:24,371 unfortunately, I was sitting next to this guy who kept singing... 9 00:00:24,373 --> 00:00:26,373 ♪ La la la la la la la la la ♪ 10 00:00:26,375 --> 00:00:27,609 I'm gonna kill you, Darlene! 11 00:00:27,611 --> 00:00:29,311 Not if I kill you first. 12 00:00:29,313 --> 00:00:31,980 Oh, you kids, if I had a corpse for every time 13 00:00:31,982 --> 00:00:34,115 one of you said that... 14 00:00:34,117 --> 00:00:36,284 She won't shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up! 15 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,553 Shut! Up! 16 00:00:38,555 --> 00:00:41,657 How ironic; Grandma's strapped to a bed in a loony bin, 17 00:00:41,659 --> 00:00:44,392 and yet D.J. walks free. 18 00:00:44,394 --> 00:00:45,661 What are you talkin' about? 19 00:00:45,663 --> 00:00:48,096 Well, thank you for your sensitivity, Darlene. 20 00:00:48,098 --> 00:00:52,000 I was gonna tell you about Grandma Connor, you know. 21 00:00:52,002 --> 00:00:54,870 Last night your dad had to put her into a home. 22 00:00:54,872 --> 00:00:56,205 What kind of home? 23 00:00:56,207 --> 00:01:02,044 A home... not unlike our own. 24 00:01:04,049 --> 00:01:06,115 She's in a mental institution. 25 00:01:06,117 --> 00:01:08,385 Is it because Grandma's crazy? 26 00:01:08,387 --> 00:01:12,422 No, it's because she's... tired. 27 00:01:12,424 --> 00:01:16,125 Yeah, tired of being sane. 28 00:01:17,695 --> 00:01:20,797 Well, "crazy" is a mean word to use, D.J. 29 00:01:20,799 --> 00:01:25,402 Your grandmother is just emotionally, um-- 30 00:01:25,404 --> 00:01:30,775 Well, she's had some emotional, uh-- 31 00:01:30,777 --> 00:01:33,110 She's a tad nutty. 32 00:01:33,112 --> 00:01:35,379 How long has she been like this? 33 00:01:35,381 --> 00:01:36,947 I don't know. 34 00:01:36,949 --> 00:01:40,084 Only in our family can someone be a nut case for 20 years 35 00:01:40,086 --> 00:01:41,919 without anyone noticing. 36 00:01:41,921 --> 00:01:46,056 We notice, Darlene; we're just ignoring you. 37 00:01:46,058 --> 00:01:48,826 Did Grandma do crazy things? 38 00:01:48,828 --> 00:01:50,495 Well, there was that one tip-off. 39 00:01:50,497 --> 00:01:51,729 Remember when she was in Florida, 40 00:01:51,731 --> 00:01:53,465 she sent us that postcard that said, 41 00:01:53,467 --> 00:01:58,070 "Having a great time. Wish I was here." 42 00:01:58,072 --> 00:02:00,973 I don't think you should be making fun of Grandma. 43 00:02:00,975 --> 00:02:02,674 We're not making fun, D.J. 44 00:02:02,676 --> 00:02:05,343 This is just our way of coping, you know? 45 00:02:05,345 --> 00:02:07,746 Instead of crying and saying my grandmother's 46 00:02:07,748 --> 00:02:10,782 in a mental institution, we say, uh, well, 47 00:02:10,784 --> 00:02:12,218 at least Grandma is with other people 48 00:02:12,220 --> 00:02:16,455 who share her interests in hand-washing. 49 00:02:16,457 --> 00:02:18,857 [laughing] 50 00:02:18,859 --> 00:02:22,295 Mornin'. 51 00:02:22,297 --> 00:02:24,529 Oh, man. 52 00:02:28,236 --> 00:02:32,305 Oh, I'm sorry, Dan. 53 00:02:32,307 --> 00:02:36,142 Listen, I need to talk about this. 54 00:02:36,144 --> 00:02:38,444 Why? It didn't happen to your mom. 55 00:02:38,446 --> 00:02:40,280 Yeah, I know; if it would've happened to my mom, 56 00:02:40,282 --> 00:02:43,383 at least it would make sense. 57 00:02:45,586 --> 00:02:47,087 Talk. 58 00:02:50,524 --> 00:02:53,927 Well, I just have some questions is all. 59 00:02:53,929 --> 00:02:57,397 Um, you know, when your parents got divorced, when was that? 60 00:02:57,399 --> 00:02:59,666 Uh, let's see... 61 00:02:59,668 --> 00:03:02,270 I was wearing a size 8, so that's about 62 00:03:02,272 --> 00:03:03,503 10 years ago, right? 63 00:03:03,505 --> 00:03:04,671 Right. 64 00:03:04,673 --> 00:03:07,741 And remember when your mom got hospitalized 65 00:03:07,743 --> 00:03:09,376 for exhaustion then? 66 00:03:09,378 --> 00:03:12,147 Um, was that a mental hospital? 67 00:03:12,149 --> 00:03:14,615 Yes, it was a mental hospital. 68 00:03:14,617 --> 00:03:17,284 Her husband of 32 years had just walked out on her, 69 00:03:17,286 --> 00:03:18,687 so she got a little depressed. 70 00:03:18,689 --> 00:03:20,121 Go figure. 71 00:03:20,123 --> 00:03:21,890 Were there other times? 72 00:03:24,462 --> 00:03:26,362 Once. 73 00:03:26,364 --> 00:03:28,129 Really? 74 00:03:28,131 --> 00:03:30,865 My dad used to go away on business trips 75 00:03:30,867 --> 00:03:34,336 when I was a kid and one time, 76 00:03:34,338 --> 00:03:36,305 he took off without even telling my mom. 77 00:03:36,307 --> 00:03:38,772 Two weeks, no phone calls, no nothin'. 78 00:03:38,774 --> 00:03:40,042 She didn't know where he was. 79 00:03:40,044 --> 00:03:41,844 He really did that? 80 00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:45,213 Yeah, he really did that. Wow. 81 00:03:45,215 --> 00:03:49,518 And it wrecked her so bad that she had to go away 82 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:50,653 for a little while. 83 00:03:50,655 --> 00:03:51,854 Yeah. 84 00:03:51,856 --> 00:03:53,422 Well, I just had no idea. 85 00:03:53,424 --> 00:03:57,994 Well, I told you that my dad 86 00:03:57,996 --> 00:03:59,695 treated my mom like crap. 87 00:03:59,697 --> 00:04:01,930 Well, yeah, I know that, but, I mean, 88 00:04:01,932 --> 00:04:03,367 I didn't know he was that bad 89 00:04:03,369 --> 00:04:05,835 and I didn't know that it affected her so much. 90 00:04:05,837 --> 00:04:09,006 Well, of course it affected her; he was horrible to her. 91 00:04:09,008 --> 00:04:11,307 It's amazing that she held up as well as she did. 92 00:04:13,078 --> 00:04:14,644 Well, so... 93 00:04:14,646 --> 00:04:18,848 so it must've been really hard on you, huh, Dan? 94 00:04:18,850 --> 00:04:21,884 No, it wasn't hard on me. It's was hard on her. 95 00:04:21,886 --> 00:04:26,324 She made it okay for me. She was a great mother. 96 00:04:26,326 --> 00:04:28,493 She didn't teach her kids to make jokes about things 97 00:04:28,495 --> 00:04:29,860 that aren't funny. 98 00:04:29,862 --> 00:04:33,263 Hey, the kids are just tryi'' to handle this, okay? 99 00:04:33,265 --> 00:04:35,533 We all feel really bad about what happened to your mother. 100 00:04:35,535 --> 00:04:37,568 Really? Well, you could never tell. 101 00:04:37,570 --> 00:04:38,703 Of course, you could never tell 102 00:04:38,705 --> 00:04:40,170 anybody gives a damn about anything around here. 103 00:04:40,172 --> 00:04:42,574 All we do is yell at each other and make jokes. 104 00:04:42,576 --> 00:04:45,042 Well, Dan, I'm really upset that you've forgotten 105 00:04:45,044 --> 00:04:47,211 the occasional fist fight. 106 00:04:49,182 --> 00:04:51,014 That's perfect, Roseanne. 107 00:04:54,354 --> 00:04:57,856 I'm just tryin' every way I know how. 108 00:04:57,858 --> 00:05:00,859 Try somethin' else. [door closes] 109 00:05:03,129 --> 00:05:05,764 Hey, Mom, you know, he probably just doesn't 110 00:05:05,766 --> 00:05:06,998 feel comfortable talkin' to you 111 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:09,067 because your mother never went insane. 112 00:05:11,906 --> 00:05:13,838 Don't worry, I'll talk to him. 113 00:05:59,889 --> 00:06:01,489 [laughing] 114 00:06:09,031 --> 00:06:12,833 Alright, sweetie, you go to bed now. 115 00:06:12,835 --> 00:06:15,602 I hope you're planning to sing him a proper lullaby 116 00:06:15,604 --> 00:06:19,107 and not that rock 'n roll you sang last time. 117 00:06:19,109 --> 00:06:23,245 It was Puff the Magic Dragon. 118 00:06:23,247 --> 00:06:26,581 Square old bat. 119 00:06:26,583 --> 00:06:27,849 [door bell] 120 00:06:27,851 --> 00:06:29,351 I'm not so square that I don't know 121 00:06:29,353 --> 00:06:31,853 that song's about reefer. 122 00:06:38,429 --> 00:06:40,562 Let's see what Roseanne thinks. 123 00:06:40,564 --> 00:06:43,132 You think it's a good idea to encourage infants 124 00:06:43,134 --> 00:06:45,467 to do drugs? 125 00:06:45,469 --> 00:06:48,170 Jackie, what is the matter with you? 126 00:06:48,172 --> 00:06:50,406 I told you you have to wait till he's at least three 127 00:06:50,408 --> 00:06:54,410 before you go and buy him one of those Fisher-Price bongs. 128 00:06:55,747 --> 00:06:57,880 Make your little jokes now, but you'll wish 129 00:06:57,882 --> 00:07:00,316 you listened to me when that boy is 16 130 00:07:00,318 --> 00:07:04,020 and he's wearing an earring and dungarees. 131 00:07:04,022 --> 00:07:05,688 So is Dan doing any better? 132 00:07:05,690 --> 00:07:08,091 No, he isn't and it just sucks. 133 00:07:09,394 --> 00:07:11,228 I mean, you know, he's sleeping right next to me, 134 00:07:11,230 --> 00:07:13,698 but there's just nothing I can do about it. 135 00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:15,965 And he's gettin' really nasty too. 136 00:07:15,967 --> 00:07:18,468 I mean, you know, he called me a bad mother. 137 00:07:18,470 --> 00:07:20,002 I think. 138 00:07:20,004 --> 00:07:21,706 I couldn't really hear him 'cause D.J. 139 00:07:21,708 --> 00:07:25,710 was running by with scissors. 140 00:07:25,712 --> 00:07:28,613 You're not a bad mother, Roseanne. 141 00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:31,449 A bad mother thinks one blanket is enough 142 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:32,983 in the dead of winter. 143 00:07:32,985 --> 00:07:34,817 Where do you keep them, Jackie? 144 00:07:34,819 --> 00:07:36,854 In the basement... 145 00:07:36,856 --> 00:07:38,789 with the asbestos. 146 00:07:41,327 --> 00:07:44,962 Grandma to the rescue again. 147 00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:48,165 Breathe deep, old woman. 148 00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:56,441 It's just so weird, you know, all that stuff he told me. 149 00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:57,742 I don't know, it's like his family's 150 00:07:57,744 --> 00:08:00,345 way more screwed up than he ever let on before. 151 00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:03,282 Well, maybe he was ashamed. 152 00:08:03,284 --> 00:08:06,184 Ashamed? He's been married to me for 21 years. 153 00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:08,888 You'd think he'd be numb to shame by now. 154 00:08:08,890 --> 00:08:11,056 I don't know, Roseanne. It is kinda bad. 155 00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:12,424 I mean, think about it. 156 00:08:12,426 --> 00:08:17,229 His mom beat our mom to the loony bin. 157 00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:21,600 And I can't even get him to talk about Audrey, you know? 158 00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:23,402 He's so defensive. 159 00:08:23,404 --> 00:08:25,071 It's like he has to believe she was, like, 160 00:08:25,073 --> 00:08:26,772 the world's greatest mother. 161 00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:30,076 Egad, imagine a child loving his mother. 162 00:08:30,078 --> 00:08:33,746 I hope you didn't snap him out of it, Roseanne. 163 00:08:33,748 --> 00:08:38,017 This is not about Dan loving his mother, okay? 164 00:08:38,019 --> 00:08:40,153 You can still love your mother even though you know 165 00:08:40,155 --> 00:08:43,623 that she is a crazy old shrew. 166 00:08:43,625 --> 00:08:46,393 Don't think that I can't read 167 00:08:46,395 --> 00:08:50,564 between those lines, Roseanne. 168 00:08:50,566 --> 00:08:54,968 You know, Dan's mother was lucky she had sons. 169 00:08:54,970 --> 00:08:58,906 Sons always treat their mothers with respect. 170 00:08:58,908 --> 00:09:01,075 Ugh, look at the stains! 171 00:09:01,077 --> 00:09:05,846 I assumed because it was folded it was clean. 172 00:09:05,848 --> 00:09:07,247 You know, you're right, Mom. 173 00:09:07,249 --> 00:09:10,050 Dan's mother was lucky and we don't treat you 174 00:09:10,052 --> 00:09:12,086 with enough respect. 175 00:09:15,658 --> 00:09:18,559 Shoulda had sons. 176 00:09:23,933 --> 00:09:25,433 Hey, Darlene? 177 00:09:25,435 --> 00:09:27,435 I was reading how if your grandmother's insane, 178 00:09:27,437 --> 00:09:28,571 there's a one-out-of-three chance 179 00:09:28,573 --> 00:09:32,307 that you will be too, so... 180 00:09:32,309 --> 00:09:34,876 there's a test here to look for the early warning signs. 181 00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:37,946 Oh, man, not another one of those ink blots 182 00:09:37,948 --> 00:09:41,116 that looks like the devil stabbing me. 183 00:09:41,118 --> 00:09:43,352 Hey, guys, what are you doin'? 184 00:09:43,354 --> 00:09:45,454 Oh, nothin', just takin' a test. 185 00:09:45,456 --> 00:09:46,856 Man, I hate tests. 186 00:09:46,858 --> 00:09:48,024 Oh, this one's different. 187 00:09:48,026 --> 00:09:49,158 When you're done with this one, 188 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:52,161 you don't hand the nurse a plastic cup. 189 00:09:54,531 --> 00:09:57,366 Okay, question number one: 190 00:09:57,368 --> 00:09:59,569 "When you put your shoes on, do put them on 191 00:09:59,571 --> 00:10:01,638 one at a time or both at once?" 192 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:02,639 Both at once. 193 00:10:02,641 --> 00:10:04,507 Okay, that was an easy one. 194 00:10:06,811 --> 00:10:08,578 Question number two: 195 00:10:08,580 --> 00:10:11,914 "What color is the sound of a dog barking?" 196 00:10:11,916 --> 00:10:13,650 Bright green. 197 00:10:13,652 --> 00:10:16,553 Green or bright green. Both are acceptable. 198 00:10:18,825 --> 00:10:23,293 Question number three: "Pick one: triangle, hat, or boat." 199 00:10:23,295 --> 00:10:24,695 Triangle? 200 00:10:24,697 --> 00:10:26,831 Boat. 201 00:10:28,534 --> 00:10:31,936 That's right. 202 00:10:31,938 --> 00:10:34,238 Question number four: 203 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:37,575 "Do you ever relive the same moment twice?" 204 00:10:37,577 --> 00:10:40,244 No. Very good. 205 00:10:40,246 --> 00:10:45,450 Question number four: "Do you ever relive the same moment twice?" 206 00:10:45,452 --> 00:10:47,018 No. Very good. 207 00:10:47,020 --> 00:10:48,887 [Becky] Hey, guys, what are you doin'? 208 00:10:48,889 --> 00:10:52,256 Oh, nothin', just takin' a test. 209 00:10:52,258 --> 00:10:56,595 Man, I hate tests. 210 00:10:56,597 --> 00:10:57,630 Oh, this one's different. 211 00:10:57,632 --> 00:10:58,798 When you're done with this one, 212 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,867 you don't hand the nurse a plastic cup. 213 00:11:10,478 --> 00:11:12,377 Dan, Dan, now you're gonna wake the babies. 214 00:11:12,379 --> 00:11:13,847 Now, why don't you just calm down 215 00:11:13,849 --> 00:11:15,916 and Roseanne will be here any minute to take you home. 216 00:11:15,918 --> 00:11:17,316 [drunken slur] No, Crystal, I told you 217 00:11:17,318 --> 00:11:18,785 I'd come here to talk to my father. 218 00:11:18,787 --> 00:11:20,252 I'm not leaving until I do. 219 00:11:20,254 --> 00:11:22,923 I told you he's not here. He's on a business trip. 220 00:11:22,925 --> 00:11:25,859 What a surprise. Prepare yourself, Crystal. 221 00:11:25,861 --> 00:11:27,560 You may not hear from him for two weeks. 222 00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:30,497 Dan, I think you should leave. 223 00:11:30,499 --> 00:11:33,000 Well, I don't think I should leave. 224 00:11:33,002 --> 00:11:34,267 You know who I think should leave? 225 00:11:34,269 --> 00:11:35,770 I think you should leave. 226 00:11:35,772 --> 00:11:37,236 I think you should get away from him. 227 00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:38,806 Pack up the stuff, grab the kids. 228 00:11:38,808 --> 00:11:41,474 I'll give you a hand. 229 00:11:41,476 --> 00:11:43,142 Hey, Lonnie, get that chair! 230 00:11:43,144 --> 00:11:44,645 Dan, Dan, put that down. 231 00:11:44,647 --> 00:11:47,582 Lonnie, why don't you go get Dan some nice, hot coffee? 232 00:11:47,584 --> 00:11:49,349 Now, now listen. 233 00:11:49,351 --> 00:11:51,951 I'm married to your father and I'm not leavin'. 234 00:11:51,953 --> 00:11:54,788 Oh, come on, Crystal, don't let him do to you what he did to her. 235 00:11:54,790 --> 00:11:57,191 You haven't heard your father's side. 236 00:11:57,193 --> 00:11:58,526 He's a good man. 237 00:11:58,528 --> 00:11:59,928 Damn it, he is not! 238 00:11:59,930 --> 00:12:01,729 [yelps] Dan, you're scarin' me! 239 00:12:01,731 --> 00:12:03,799 Look, Crystal, he doesn't love you. 240 00:12:03,801 --> 00:12:06,467 He doesn't love the kids. 241 00:12:06,469 --> 00:12:08,202 He just goes away all the time 242 00:12:08,204 --> 00:12:09,838 and he leaves you alone by yourself, 243 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:11,940 then he comes back and he says, look, honey, 244 00:12:11,942 --> 00:12:13,809 I got you a lamp. 245 00:12:15,979 --> 00:12:17,913 Lonnie, Lonnie, come here. 246 00:12:17,915 --> 00:12:19,180 Now, you gotta talk to your mom, 247 00:12:19,182 --> 00:12:20,349 you gotta tell her to get out 248 00:12:20,351 --> 00:12:21,949 because he's wrecki'' your family. 249 00:12:21,951 --> 00:12:23,184 No-- no he's not. 250 00:12:23,186 --> 00:12:25,921 Dan, I forbid you to talk to my son that way. 251 00:12:25,923 --> 00:12:27,923 Now-- now why don't you have a little coffee. 252 00:12:27,925 --> 00:12:28,924 You're not listening to me. 253 00:12:28,926 --> 00:12:30,225 Come on, you need it. 254 00:12:30,227 --> 00:12:32,695 This is not way for you to act in your father's house! 255 00:12:32,697 --> 00:12:35,197 I am not drinki'' his damn coffee! 256 00:12:37,201 --> 00:12:38,801 Well, that's always the first sign 257 00:12:38,803 --> 00:12:41,970 that he's had too much caffeine. 258 00:12:43,140 --> 00:12:44,974 Rosie, you got nothin' to do here. 259 00:12:44,976 --> 00:12:46,242 Just get out. 260 00:12:46,244 --> 00:12:48,044 No, Dan, that would be rude. 261 00:12:48,046 --> 00:12:49,645 Crystal would be very insulted 262 00:12:49,647 --> 00:12:51,814 if I didn't throw a cup at the wall too. 263 00:12:51,816 --> 00:12:54,083 Well, I'm not leavin'. 264 00:12:54,085 --> 00:12:57,654 Not till I talk to the son of a bitch. 265 00:12:57,656 --> 00:12:59,857 Get out of our house. 266 00:13:05,263 --> 00:13:08,465 Um, that was pretty cute, Lonnie, but, you know, 267 00:13:08,467 --> 00:13:12,035 his ankle is as big as your chest. 268 00:13:12,037 --> 00:13:14,138 Dan, if you're waitin' around to see your dad, 269 00:13:14,140 --> 00:13:15,505 um, you're waiti'' in the wrong place 270 00:13:15,507 --> 00:13:17,274 'cause he's over at our house. 271 00:13:17,276 --> 00:13:18,309 What are you talkin' about? 272 00:13:18,311 --> 00:13:19,944 Yeah, isn't that right, Crystal? 273 00:13:19,946 --> 00:13:21,578 Oh, right, that's where he is. 274 00:13:21,580 --> 00:13:22,781 Yesiree. 275 00:13:22,783 --> 00:13:25,416 Well, why the hell didn't somebody tell me? 276 00:13:25,418 --> 00:13:28,218 Oh, 'cause we wanted it to be a big surprise, you know. 277 00:13:28,220 --> 00:13:31,288 Let's go. 278 00:13:31,290 --> 00:13:34,125 Hey, Crystal... 279 00:13:34,127 --> 00:13:36,661 you know I'm only doin' this to help you. 280 00:13:36,663 --> 00:13:39,029 And you did, Dan, but now you're gonna go home and rest, 281 00:13:39,031 --> 00:13:41,599 so tomorrow you'll be able to help others. 282 00:13:47,207 --> 00:13:49,742 Oh, I'm really sorry, Crystal. 283 00:13:49,744 --> 00:13:52,110 You know he loves ya, but right now he's just 284 00:13:52,112 --> 00:13:55,614 a big, stupid drunk guy that's just in a lot of pain. 285 00:13:55,616 --> 00:13:58,884 It's okay, Roseanne. He just broke a few things. 286 00:13:58,886 --> 00:13:59,951 [rustling] 287 00:13:59,953 --> 00:14:02,855 Oh, and now a shrub. Oh... 288 00:14:02,857 --> 00:14:04,856 Get up, Dan! 289 00:14:17,673 --> 00:14:20,073 Morning, Otis. 290 00:14:25,947 --> 00:14:28,147 Boy, Dad, now that I'm in college, 291 00:14:28,149 --> 00:14:31,718 let me tell you, I know exactly how you feel. 292 00:14:33,689 --> 00:14:35,655 I find that if you just start drinking 293 00:14:35,657 --> 00:14:38,025 right when you wake up, the hangover's gone. 294 00:14:38,027 --> 00:14:40,594 And, you know, you can go about your day with full energy, 295 00:14:40,596 --> 00:14:45,733 whether it's goin' to classes or, you know, raising a family. 296 00:14:45,735 --> 00:14:48,401 You're done, Darlene. 297 00:14:50,406 --> 00:14:52,873 Oh, Dad... 298 00:14:52,875 --> 00:14:54,309 I'm really sorry about Grandma. 299 00:14:54,311 --> 00:14:56,177 I know. 300 00:14:56,179 --> 00:14:59,347 Alright, Darlene, time to leave the house. 301 00:14:59,349 --> 00:15:00,814 You're just a painful reminder 302 00:15:00,816 --> 00:15:02,283 of another bender your dad went on. 303 00:15:09,092 --> 00:15:11,459 Where's the rest of the free-loaders? 304 00:15:11,461 --> 00:15:13,762 Well, I told 'em to get lost, you know, 305 00:15:13,764 --> 00:15:16,264 um, 'cause I thought that we would talk. 306 00:15:16,266 --> 00:15:18,567 Well, they didn't have to leave the house. 307 00:15:18,569 --> 00:15:22,571 Well, I thought we'd maybe talk loud. 308 00:15:22,573 --> 00:15:25,507 So what were you thinking goin' over there all drunk? 309 00:15:25,509 --> 00:15:28,044 Did you think you were gonna go over there and beat him up? 310 00:15:28,046 --> 00:15:30,646 Maybe. 311 00:15:30,648 --> 00:15:33,016 Or at least barf on him. 312 00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:37,552 Well, Crystal called me last night, you know, 313 00:15:37,554 --> 00:15:40,789 and she had some things to say about your mom and dad. 314 00:15:43,762 --> 00:15:49,266 Listen to me, Dan, a person doesn't become mentally ill 315 00:15:49,268 --> 00:15:52,835 because their spouse goes away on business trips. 316 00:15:57,642 --> 00:16:01,211 How in the hell can you say that to me? 317 00:16:04,616 --> 00:16:08,752 Well, think about it, Dan. It can't all be his fault. 318 00:16:08,754 --> 00:16:10,921 Well, what are you sayin'? 319 00:16:10,923 --> 00:16:13,824 Oh, I see, you're tellin' me that if I forgive him, 320 00:16:13,826 --> 00:16:14,958 I'll feel better. 321 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:16,194 Well, why didn't you say so? 322 00:16:16,196 --> 00:16:17,262 [snaps] Done! 323 00:16:17,264 --> 00:16:18,928 Where's my tap shoes? 324 00:16:23,769 --> 00:16:25,236 This isn't just the third time 325 00:16:25,238 --> 00:16:27,371 your mother's been hospitalized, Dan. 326 00:16:27,373 --> 00:16:29,807 It used to happen a lot when you were a kid 327 00:16:29,809 --> 00:16:32,343 and they told you that she was visiting some relative? 328 00:16:34,281 --> 00:16:36,514 Well, she wasn't. 329 00:16:38,118 --> 00:16:39,452 Where the hell did you hear that? 330 00:16:39,454 --> 00:16:40,751 Crystal. 331 00:16:40,753 --> 00:16:42,187 Oh, that's bull. 332 00:16:42,189 --> 00:16:45,256 My mother was in a bad marriage. 333 00:16:45,258 --> 00:16:47,692 No, Dan. 334 00:16:47,694 --> 00:16:50,294 Crystal told me that your mom was in and out 335 00:16:50,296 --> 00:16:52,463 of a lot of hospitals before your parents even met. 336 00:16:52,465 --> 00:16:54,332 Crystal's protecting him. 337 00:16:54,334 --> 00:16:55,901 Do you wanna call those hospitals-- 338 00:16:55,903 --> 00:16:59,004 Stop defending him. Stop! 339 00:16:59,006 --> 00:17:01,674 He let you blame him for everything, Dan. 340 00:17:01,676 --> 00:17:04,209 He took all your crap, all of his life, 341 00:17:04,211 --> 00:17:06,779 just so he could keep your mom lookin' good for you. 342 00:17:06,781 --> 00:17:09,014 No way, no way. I'm not gonna let you do this. 343 00:17:09,016 --> 00:17:12,019 You are not gonna twist this around. 344 00:17:12,021 --> 00:17:14,487 He did a good thing, Dan. 345 00:17:14,489 --> 00:17:16,655 It didn't happen that way. 346 00:17:16,657 --> 00:17:18,492 What you're saying does not make any sense. 347 00:17:18,494 --> 00:17:19,826 It makes perfect sense, Dan. 348 00:17:19,828 --> 00:17:22,695 Why? Huh? Why? 349 00:17:22,697 --> 00:17:25,398 Why wouldn't he tell me about it? 350 00:17:27,002 --> 00:17:29,169 Because maybe he knew he was gonna be gone all the time. 351 00:17:29,171 --> 00:17:30,904 Maybe he figured it would be easier 352 00:17:30,906 --> 00:17:33,173 for a kid to have a bastard for a father 353 00:17:33,175 --> 00:17:36,576 than a crazy person for a mother. 354 00:17:36,578 --> 00:17:38,446 He made her that way. 355 00:17:38,448 --> 00:17:41,949 This was his fault. 356 00:17:41,951 --> 00:17:44,985 No, it wasn't his fault, Dan. 357 00:17:44,987 --> 00:17:47,922 And it wasn't her fault. 358 00:17:47,924 --> 00:17:53,495 And it's not your fault either. 359 00:17:53,497 --> 00:17:58,032 [crying] I can't take this. 360 00:17:58,034 --> 00:17:59,435 Yeah, I know. 361 00:17:59,437 --> 00:18:02,404 I'm gonna take it with you. 362 00:18:14,918 --> 00:18:15,984 [TV, man talking] 363 00:18:15,986 --> 00:18:18,687 [knocking] 364 00:18:18,689 --> 00:18:20,355 [TV shuts off] 365 00:18:27,498 --> 00:18:31,834 Oh, it's my son, the tough guy. 366 00:18:31,836 --> 00:18:33,937 Is there some stuff that you forgot 367 00:18:33,939 --> 00:18:35,104 to break last night? 368 00:18:35,106 --> 00:18:36,772 I just came to help you clean up. 369 00:18:36,774 --> 00:18:37,773 Can I come in? 370 00:18:39,845 --> 00:18:41,410 [sighs] 371 00:18:43,015 --> 00:18:44,547 You know, when you were younger, 372 00:18:44,549 --> 00:18:47,316 at least you had the courage to take your shots at me. 373 00:18:47,318 --> 00:18:48,951 Well, last night you weren't here. 374 00:18:48,953 --> 00:18:50,520 Yeah, well, my family was. 375 00:18:50,522 --> 00:18:53,190 Yeah, look, I'm sorry about the things that I said to Crystal. 376 00:18:53,192 --> 00:18:56,226 At least Crystal, thankfully, is smart enough not to listen 377 00:18:56,228 --> 00:18:59,662 to some drunk who's tearing up her house. 378 00:18:59,664 --> 00:19:02,265 Whoa, who broke the toaster? 379 00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:03,666 Man, I don't even remember being 380 00:19:03,668 --> 00:19:04,768 in the kitchen last night. 381 00:19:04,770 --> 00:19:06,269 Come on, Danny, what are we doin' here? 382 00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:07,872 I can help you fix that. Stop it. 383 00:19:07,874 --> 00:19:09,806 I just wanna talk to you, Dad. 384 00:19:09,808 --> 00:19:13,510 I think we're way past it. 385 00:19:13,512 --> 00:19:15,178 Way past talk. 386 00:19:15,180 --> 00:19:17,113 Now, I got an idea. 387 00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:19,550 Why don't we just call it quits, 388 00:19:19,552 --> 00:19:20,985 go our separate ways? 389 00:19:20,987 --> 00:19:24,155 You're my father, I'm your son. We can't do that. 390 00:19:24,157 --> 00:19:25,991 Why the hell not? 391 00:19:25,993 --> 00:19:27,059 We're both grown men. 392 00:19:27,061 --> 00:19:28,326 We don't need each other anymore. 393 00:19:28,328 --> 00:19:29,628 Let's just say it's done. 394 00:19:29,630 --> 00:19:31,762 Come on, Dad. 395 00:19:31,764 --> 00:19:34,765 You know it was different when I was on my own, okay? 396 00:19:34,767 --> 00:19:38,003 But now, I can't have you comin' over here 397 00:19:38,005 --> 00:19:39,771 and just scarin' the hell out of my family. 398 00:19:41,808 --> 00:19:44,443 I can't leave until we talk about Mom. 399 00:19:45,745 --> 00:19:49,148 That's the difference between you and me. 400 00:19:49,150 --> 00:19:52,118 You can't stop livin' in the past. 401 00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:54,786 It's just-- 402 00:19:54,788 --> 00:19:56,856 I ruined your mother's life. 403 00:19:56,858 --> 00:20:02,027 Okay, see, I admit that. 404 00:20:02,029 --> 00:20:04,697 I can't keep apologizing. 405 00:20:13,642 --> 00:20:15,808 Crystal told Roseanne about Mom. 406 00:20:17,445 --> 00:20:19,913 You know, her history. 407 00:20:19,915 --> 00:20:21,314 Well, she shouldn't have done that. 408 00:20:21,316 --> 00:20:25,651 Maybe she shouldn't have, but... 409 00:20:25,654 --> 00:20:27,054 I wish you had. 410 00:20:30,793 --> 00:20:32,926 Some things are private, Dan. 411 00:20:32,928 --> 00:20:35,329 I'm her son. Exactly. 412 00:20:35,331 --> 00:20:37,531 And I didn't you to go around thinkin' bad things 413 00:20:37,533 --> 00:20:40,934 about your mother, because she was a good woman. 414 00:20:40,936 --> 00:20:43,304 Still is. 415 00:20:47,877 --> 00:20:51,713 Yeah, and I know I've said some bad things about you 416 00:20:51,715 --> 00:20:52,914 for a long time. 417 00:20:52,916 --> 00:20:54,749 I just want you to know that I really appreciate-- 418 00:20:54,751 --> 00:20:56,584 There you go. There you go. 419 00:20:56,586 --> 00:20:58,286 I mean, you're just gonna drag the past up again, aren't ya? 420 00:20:58,288 --> 00:20:59,654 Don't. Don't. 421 00:20:59,656 --> 00:21:01,556 Look, you don't understand what I'm tryin' to tell ya. 422 00:21:01,558 --> 00:21:03,057 I just wanna tell ya that I really appreciate-- 423 00:21:03,059 --> 00:21:04,626 Don't! 424 00:21:04,628 --> 00:21:09,863 Dan... just leave it alone. 425 00:21:12,937 --> 00:21:15,403 If that's the way you want it. 426 00:21:18,809 --> 00:21:23,945 Hey, that toaster is not gonna fix itself. 427 00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:30,686 Okay. 428 00:21:30,688 --> 00:21:31,821 I'll see you later. 429 00:21:31,823 --> 00:21:33,689 Hey, I thought you were gonna fix this thing. 430 00:21:36,394 --> 00:21:37,360 You want me to? 431 00:21:37,362 --> 00:21:40,130 Hey, I didn't break it. 432 00:21:46,105 --> 00:21:48,171 There's a ballgame on. You mind if I watch? 433 00:21:48,173 --> 00:21:50,608 [TV, man speaking] 434 00:21:50,610 --> 00:21:53,143 Sure. 435 00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:56,513 We can make it more interesting, put 20 bucks on it. 436 00:21:56,515 --> 00:21:57,780 I'll take the Bulls. 437 00:21:57,782 --> 00:22:01,485 Huh, my house, I'll take the Bulls. 438 00:22:03,255 --> 00:22:06,123 [laughing] I mean, this is wild. 439 00:22:06,125 --> 00:22:10,027 I don't even remember being in the kitchen last night. 440 00:22:10,029 --> 00:22:12,362 You weren't. 441 00:22:12,364 --> 00:22:15,866 Thing's been broken for months. 442 00:22:26,147 --> 00:22:28,180 Hey, D.J. 443 00:22:28,182 --> 00:22:30,248 I know you guys are just trying to trick me 444 00:22:30,250 --> 00:22:31,815 with this stupid test. 445 00:22:31,817 --> 00:22:34,986 Oops, figured it out. 446 00:22:38,092 --> 00:22:39,157 [door closes] 447 00:22:39,159 --> 00:22:40,659 Hey, D.J. 448 00:22:40,661 --> 00:22:41,660 How'd you do that? 449 00:22:41,662 --> 00:22:44,229 Oops, figured it out. 450 00:22:46,199 --> 00:22:47,399 [door closes] 451 00:22:47,401 --> 00:22:49,502 Hey, D.J. You're not scaring me! 452 00:22:49,504 --> 00:22:51,504 Oops, figured it out. 453 00:22:52,773 --> 00:22:53,772 [door closes] Hey, D.J. 454 00:22:53,774 --> 00:22:56,675 Stop it! Oops, figured it out. 455 00:22:57,844 --> 00:23:00,913 Hey, D.J. Mom! 456 00:23:04,019 --> 00:23:06,152 What's the matter with him? 457 00:23:06,154 --> 00:23:08,688 The kid's losin' it. 458 00:23:22,604 --> 00:23:25,572 Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA