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-=TLF字幕組=- 翻譯：旺旺的考拉熊 校對：旺旺的考拉熊
糟糕
操
別，別，別
糟糕
嗨，我是約翰尼·諾克斯維爾 歡迎參觀蠢蛋秀
《蠢蛋搞怪秀2》
好啦，男生女生們 木偶戲時間到了
《木偶戲》
從前，有條飢餓的大蛇
還有只孤獨的想找朋友的田鼠
你好啊，大蛇先生
我是老鼠先生，我想當你的朋友
一定要把我整隻鳥都伸出去 我希望看起來酷
我來給尾巴撓個癢如何，就這裡
這不好玩
我們家裡可不是這麼玩的
這可不好玩
小子
他只有一寸遠了
來嘛，來輕輕親一下
輕微親一下
哦，天啊
天啊，真疼
那牙都插到他鳥上出不來了
我想木偶戲結束了吧
哦，天啊
「嗨，蠢蛋們」
《情人節》 「我聽說你們在這個旅館裡」
- 這他媽是什麼玩意 - 嘿，看那個
好像，好像
看，是什麼？我讀不出來
大聲讀出來
「嗨，蠢蛋們」 「我聽說你們在這個旅館裡」
「我叫斯黛芬妮 我和我的朋友們愛你們」
「你們有人其實四年前 和我姐姐搞過」
「我不在乎」
哦，你個混蛋
哦，天啊
我還奇怪那為什麼那麼小呢
你看到這個了嗎？
是粉絲寫的，說她們多想被我們操
還有...近點讀，他媽的有意思極了
- 在拍呢，大聲讀 - 好
「你們有人其實四年前 和我姐姐搞過」
可能是你吧
「我不在乎」
「我和我的朋友會讓你們爽翻天」
「我想被你們所有人操」
這是我見過的最蠢的事了
粉絲直接寫... 讀那段小字
把維曼那小傢伙找來 但要裝作走廊沒人
- 好像，他特別受歡迎一樣 - 這有椅子嗎？
維曼，有女孩想讓你爽翻天
夥計，你得讀讀這個 粉絲寫的
站這上面，夥計
在拍呢，大聲讀 這用來當「幕後花絮」再好不過了
「嗨，蠢蛋們」 「我聽說你們在這個旅館裡」
「我叫斯黛芬妮 我和我的朋友們愛你們」
「你們有人其實四年前 和我姐姐搞過」
「我不在乎」
「我和我朋友們...」
哦，天，這棒極了
他真的站在椅子上
這走道上怎麼會有椅子嘛
我是戴夫·英格蘭 這是騎水管表演
操他媽夠勁
他媽的
哦，糟糕
- 真棒 - 你看到他怎麼撞上的嗎
我屁股真他媽疼
- 嘿，流血了？ - 是的
老兄，你流血了
- 我屁股流血了？ - 直腸出血
蠢蛋秀的又一個第一次啊
回來，小混蛋，回來
現在是兩百年紀念自行車越野
- 好啦 - 空中接力
聽見你說的了
這絕對不怎麼樣
為啥有人要騎這破玩意
什麼原因嘛
為啥他們就不能把兩個輪子造一樣大呢？
哦，操
- 你還好吧？ - 嗯
你沒著好陸
幸虧是頭，沒讓身體那麼疼
哦，操
看，我們樹了一桿秤 本來是要打我的蛋
但我比較喜歡用人造陰莖而不是秤砣
此外，打的是我的屁股而不是蛋 那將正好命中
就是這麼玩的
誰來狠操一把？
《強人》 今天的辯題是「強壯是否有錯」
你們是評委
剛剛，一個金色人造陰莖 以高速擊中了本了屁股
就是這麼回事
我叫格蘿莉亞，90歲了
我是個蕩婦
我去給大家佔個桌子，好嗎？
- 再見，媽媽，謝謝你 - 再見
去吧，我沒事
對不起，先生，我能用下你的手機嗎？
號碼是什麼？
我不知道什麼號碼，就是那個司機
- 對，你能幫我撥嗎？ - 可以
號碼是什麼？
我不知道他號碼是什麼，不知道
每回我去吃上午餐都這樣
- 這樣可以嗎？ - 好的，謝謝
我是丹澤·埃爾文，這是托爾 來弄個小翻滾車
他都騎不穩
操
好啦，讓托爾試試
衝啊
我頭撞的很厲害
不過還好我戴了頭盔，安全第一
我喜歡這自信
我不是同性戀，但我有點想操他
- 來啊，丹澤，再來 - 車怎麼樣？
車不錯
他征服了翻滾車
等電影上映了，你絕對不是處男了
- 你差點就射了 - 男人不算，克裡斯
這是某個牧場
我們上演「烙印」
這絕對不會舒服
- 脫了 - 祝好運
天啊
- 你屁股上沒毛 - 很漂亮
- 準備好啦？ - 沒有
- 你最好快點準備好 - 這有個小鳥等著你呢
最好不要動，你不會想要來印兩個的
哦，天啊，到剛才之前 我對你都沒什麼惡感
好啦
我不加熱，馬上就會涼的
我必須得保持溫度 直到我們準備開拍
操
好啦，20秒之前你就說加熱10秒的
給他消毒
- 準備好啦？ - 沒
別動
- 上，上，上 - 別動
按用力點，蠢貨
操，很好啦
不，不行，你得讓它在上面待會
哦，操，真他媽的疼
你要不是亂跳，第一次就搞定了
- 你得按下去，混蛋 - 我按了，但是你來這個
操，媽的，真疼
轉過去
我不會再燙你了，都來三回了
- 三個 - 來了個小鳥全息圖
看有三個清楚的小鳥印子 這有一個不太清楚
這還印了一堆蛋蛋
- 蛋不錯啊 - 酷
我寧可把我鳥切下來扔河裡
也不來這個了
媽的
我們在猿人和菲爾的家
（三天後） 我會給他們看看我屁股上的小鳥像
不對，小鳥群像
- 我給了他個禮物 - 什麼禮物
他愛死了
- 什麼？ - 還疼著呢
- 什麼？這是什麼？ - 他給我屁股上築了個鳥窩
哦，天啊，這是什麼
- 我給他屁股烙的印 - 本來應該是個小鳥
但他干了六次，結果我屁股變成鳥窩了
- 這不會褪的嗎？ - 是的，看
- 這是什麼，刺青？ - 是烙印，本來是用在奶牛身上的
本，這都感染了
這看起來不好，天啊 他一輩子都要留著這個了
- 你一輩子都要留著這個了 - 少來
你要是玩那個 起碼要弄個大點的像點的
- 那小東西簡直讓人尷尬 - 猿人，我屁股已經徹底完蛋了
你本來屁股美的一塌糊塗 現在你把它徹底毀了
- 不，鳥窩先生毀的 - 沒錯，你幹嘛毀他啊
我本來想弄個漂亮的，但他亂跳 我怕了，我在燙我的朋友
你幹嘛不第一次就燙好？
- 因為這很有趣 - 有個屁趣
先生們女士們，準備開開心啦
約翰尼·諾克斯維爾馬上要跳湖了
他真棒啊
怎麼回事呢？本來是時速一英里的
但，突然間，變成了時速60英里
我還以為你會抓住呢
那個玩意根本抓不住
哦，天啊
女士們先生們，馬克·祖潘要跳湖了
馬克，給我們的觀眾們打個招呼
我以為他們忘記點火了 但它突然間就飛出去了
- 我不知道發生了什麼 - 我也不知道
- 我只知道他差點就成功了 - 他真是英雄
我們現在在英國現場由麥特·霍夫曼表演
他將跳過英吉利海峽飛到德國
祝好運，麥特
這簡直他媽棒極了
有什麼棒的，他又沒有飛到德國
哦，天啊
這天氣在墨西哥灣游泳可是愜意的很啊
我是斯蒂沃，這是魚鉤
哦，天，要穿過去了，我幫你
- 哦，夥計 - 搞定了？不錯吧？
真不想對你做這事
好，看起來很不錯
- 哦，天啊 - 好啦，媽的把我扔出去吧
現在來表演人餌釣魚
- 雙髻鯊在那 - 哦，天啊
謝天謝地我們讓曼尼出演 確保了鯊魚的出現
他來追你了，斯蒂沃 裝作生病或受傷的動物
看那鰭，就在他後面
這片子不應該是喜劇片嗎？
我真難以相信我在釣鯊魚 用斯蒂沃做餌
真是夢想成真啊
哦，天啊
- 來了條灰鯖鯊 - 哦，糟糕，斯蒂沃
哦，天啊，他緊追你不放啊，斯蒂沃
- 我他媽的要離開這 - 不，你情況還不錯，夥計
就待那吧
鯊魚直衝你來了
哦，糟糕
- 加油，待在那 - 你們他媽的不是拍完了嘛
我想聽曼尼的號叫
我他媽的正踢中那傢伙的頭
上來
斯蒂沃，你知道你有多幸運嗎？
灰鯖鯊差點把你腳啃掉
我今天真是幸運
操
你真幸運
操，那真疼，媽的 真謝謝你了，上帝
你個混蛋
這是擲撲克牌冠軍吉姆·卡羅爾
他來扔撲克牌到維曼的屁股上
但維曼不知道的是他將坐在電椅上
天，我真不喜歡欺負維曼
- 維曼，上來吧 - 跳到椅子上
好，我數三聲，然後扔過去
你可能會有點感覺，沒問題吧？
- 數三聲，準備好啦？ - 別擔心
一
二
操，這...
正中目標嗎？
- 夥計，絕對正中 - 對不起，我扔的太用力了
再來一次，沒插進去 要插進去
數三聲，一
二
三
我不喜歡那樣，絕對不喜歡
真他媽的疼
對鏡頭說到底發生了什麼
好，每次這傢伙朝我屁股扔張牌
我就覺得好像被電了，所以我跳下來
我再他媽的不坐那了
- 我來拍最後一幕 - 不干
最後一幕就是你把牌塞屁股縫裡
- 就插在裡面，讓它伸出來 - 好
- 好，開始 - 一，二，三
它還在那
- 再跳上去 - 要我把你拎上去嗎？
- 等等 - 媽的，混蛋
不對，是有他媽的機器在做這個
你們這群混蛋
他媽的扔牌機在哪
告訴他在哪，告訴他哪有趣
哦，媽的椅子上做了手腳
哦，天啊
那有台扔牌機呢，夥計
維曼，我絕對不會用扔牌機對付你
不可能更棒了
我不知道諾克斯維爾還會後空翻呢
那好像是前空翻
- 犛牛是哪的？ - 西伯利亞
怪不得愛斯基摩人不玩牛仔表演呢
沒錯
告訴我一開始的設計圖是啥樣的
我想到這個主意時，沒寫下來
我只是畫了幅圖，發傳真到洛杉磯
我畫了幅圖，一個胖子
和一個矮子用橡皮筋連著
傑森，你覺得這和你們搞的運動比起來如何
你們絕對要比我們更運動的多
也瘋狂的多
夥計，看他有多緊張
我們現在在邁阿密海灘和傑森·泰勒一起
現在表演的是橡筋跳崖
- 準備好了嗎，普萊斯頓 - 跳，跳
三，二，一
好啊
好啊，好啊，好啊
哦，天啊
- 普萊斯頓 - 這真是絕妙
- 我把你拉下來了？ - 哦，媽的，當然
我跳下去，頭朝下，看到普萊斯頓下來了
他越過我之後，又把我拉下去了
- 好像我拍到水面上去的 - 你在水面上？
是的，我感受到皮筋的全部拉力了
很緊，真的很緊，呃，也不是真的很緊
但確實很緊
- 你叫什麼來著？ - 啥？厄爾文
- 厄爾文，對 - 厄爾文·澤斯曼
《壞爺爺》
給我們來點薯條吧
今天某時
給你，來點嘗嘗
這能提高你的性能力，孩子
你有火嗎？
媽的
嘿，小傢伙，那是真煙嗎？
- 滾 - 是嗎？
他說了，滾
天
給你，爺爺
謝謝
別都吃了，小混蛋
給我
- 這是洛杉磯 - 啥？
- 這是洛杉磯 - 怎麼了？
- 別做什麼？ - 我們不在公眾場合喝酒
- 你們不在公眾場合喝酒 - 不
- 那，可能你們該開始了 - 是嗎，你們哪來的
- 從你媽那來 - 嗯？
- 管好你自己吧，混蛋 - 啥
我說，管好你自己吧，混蛋
- 你小子最好閉嘴 - 你想幹嘛
- 到外面來？ - 我們已經在外面了，傻瓜
他還問我想不想到外面來
- 小子，你從洛杉磯來的是吧 - 你想在這區轉轉嗎？
沒錯，我們要轉轉
我們在這區轉轉，找你媽媽
真是廢話，我們周圍一群笨蛋
好啦，爺爺要做按摩了
你的按摩效果都不錯嗎
沒錯
- 和嬉皮士說再見 - 再見，嬉皮士
- 別出去挨了揍 - 出去挨揍？
在洛杉磯我才不擔心這個 就憑你們這些骨瘦如柴的傢伙
成了，老河頭，注意你的嘴巴
我聽見人不停岌岌歪歪
你那狗嘴裡也吐不出象牙來
看他，看他有多吊
你讓你九歲的孩子喝酒？
- 是我孫子 - 我才不管呢
哦，你現在在他面前罵人啦 這算什麼榜樣啊？
從這滾出去，回你的密西西比去
跨過這條線啊，跨過來
- 哦，你過線了 - 我沒有
你過線了
長頭髮也擋不住你的紅脖子 （指鄉下人）
滾吧
- 我們走 - 爬回你媽屁股裡吧
這他媽是啥 這他媽是啥
我們在滑雪橇
- 本，你他媽在幹嘛？ - 我們在滑雪橇
- 給我個滿分 - 我的地板怎麼辦？
- 你肚子感覺如何 - 就是要拉稀的感覺
- 像小孩嗎？有沒有一踢一踢的感覺 - 很像
- 在踢嗎？ - 別，別來
真的，我沒開玩笑，說真的
你要拉稀嗎？那樣是不是好受點？
我們車裡一衣櫥的衣服
我不要新衣櫥，我只是不想拉褲襠裡
這些男生以為他們乘著豪華汽車來拍照片
但他們不知道
我們要把一堆蜜蜂，從天窗放進去
我們還在鎖上做了手腳 他們出不來
等他們出來了，還有石彈等著他們
這就是蜂巢豪華車
上次拍片，你拉到小貨車裡 這次還要拉到豪華車裡
要出來了，要出來了.
這可不怎樣
關上那天窗
操，我們被鎖裡面了
哦，天啊，糟糕
他們媽的在叮我的腿
別碰我，蠢貨，你把它們帶過來了
你們真他媽混蛋，操
他們在我腳上
可憐的司機到處亂跑，要瘋了
真他媽的棒
對不起了，兄弟
我都尿褲子了
還有一隻正在叮我 看就我們說話這時候
操
- 真他媽的有趣，混蛋 - 真有什麼照片要拍嗎？
我們這是三六黑幫（說唱組合） 現在表演跳耙子
開始啊
真是蠢蛋
我要付這傢伙200塊
不是假鈔，是真的，條件是他吃馬糞
但這還毛茸茸的
- 吃，吃，吃 - 快，快，快
真吃了，嚼，嚼，嚼
吞了
- 把草帽掀起來 - 拿著200塊
- 加油，士兵 - 別想不吞
太干了
別想不吞
- 吞下去 - 別想不吞
別想不吞
- 不軟 - 吞啊，吞啊，黑鬼
給他點啤酒，給他
要真吃
- 我盯著你呢 - 幹得好，先生
這，給
你呼氣臭的像屎
我們旁邊這位是丹尼爾·阿瓦雷茲 來自ALS科技公司
你給我們講講這是什麼 還有我們接下來幹什麼吧
這是斯丁莫460型地雷
裡面有差不多700個點45口徑的橡膠球
他們會以每秒500英尺（約151米） 的速度飛出去
他們在大使館外面使用這種爆炸物
以防人們攻破大門
- 好像不怎麼好受 - 的確，我保證
爆炸開始
- 操啊 - 上帝啊
真棒
這就好像是突如其來的焦慮一樣
我幹不了這個，太危險了
夥計，諾克斯維爾...
要是諾克斯維爾進去表演的話
我會給他個法式濕吻
- 你瘋了嗎？ - 沒有，你要做的只是站在那裡
是啊，被幹掉，看看那東西 那東西爆炸可很厲害
只是很響而已，會受嚴重的傷 但只是很響而已
你瘋了
- 別這樣，沒啥，只是拍電影 - 你瘋了
《平暴演習》
婊子養的，我操
媽的
你們都是他媽的混蛋
- 你還好吧，本？ - 還好嗎？
天
- 你在哭嗎？ - 我覺得他受傷了
能給本來點水嗎？
還是給他來個秀蘭·鄧波兒吧
我在哭，我他媽的是滑滑板的 結果被射的很慘
都射到我肚子上了
我腿上更慘
那些，有沒有打到我的臉？
你肚子可挨的不輕啊
- 很好 - 沒錯
- 謝了，夥計們 - 嗯，非常感謝
嘿，這沒事吧？
那就沒事
你喜歡給模特畫像嗎？
是，但這種樣子的我不需要模特
好
- 看起來很女性 - 是嗎，謝謝
- 也很性感 - 謝謝
- 是的，謝謝你，很漂亮 - 謝謝
現在要用這些醫用球來玩個遊戲
他們可重的很
開始
- 這是醫用躲避球遊戲 - 在黑暗中進行
伸手不見五指
- 你覺得怎麼樣？ - 很有趣，我們再也別玩這個了
永遠
三，二，一
操
誰想幹那個？你不能幹這個
- 誰先來？ - 給丹來個什麼節奏？
趣味
- 準備好啦，水手？ - 沒有
- 這真蠢 - 真蠢
哦，天啊
把我拉出來
你真是他媽的混蛋
真差勁
他需要幫助
太差勁了
你是混蛋
那絕對不是我，與我無關
你拉下來的
我沒有
哦，天啊，我屁股，我簡直像生了孩子一樣
嗨，我是約翰·沃特斯，現在表演魔術
我們要把維曼變沒
他去哪了？
很好
真棒
你是最好的魔術師，約翰
多謝，謝謝你
嗨，我是約翰尼·諾克斯維爾
我身邊的是麥特·霍夫曼和托尼·霍克
這是木人巷
我給他來了記胸前傳球
打開窗戶
這是四向平衡木
我和龐提亞斯對丹和本
最後一個待在平衡木上的就是勝利者
絕對是浴血奮戰啊
哦，好啊
我做什麼了
丹，待那別動
我幹嘛要聽
萊恩，跑啊，快跑
天啊
操
本，你去哪？
我不幹這個
操
還剩兩人
我後背被狠撞了一下
嘿，諾克斯維爾，哦，糟糕
他媽的，糟糕，操
- 你沒事吧 - 還行，等等
你什麼意思，「等等」，那牛可不會等
哦，我的腿，天，這些公牛真壯
哦，天啊
我沒出局
哦，天啊
我還沒出局
好啦，到此為止，到此為止
哦，天啊
上帝滾出加利福尼亞
告訴查理·丹尼爾斯為這寫首歌
上帝滾出去，他可以擁有剩餘48個州
或是49個，隨便吧
天啊，我用頭直接著陸的，真疼
我徹底暈了
我是斯蒂沃，對不起，爸爸
但世上沒人會錯過這個的
現在表演屁股喝酒
哦，不
- 我來撐住這個 - 進去了
- 塞進去 - 真的進去了
- 張開點 - 哦，天啊.
都喝進去
放鬆點，放鬆，對，一點點的...
已經流到曼因街了，看起來一點也不好
你開始享受了吧
- 哦，糟糕 - 進去了，進去了
- 繼續 - 進去了
全喝掉
- 全喝掉 - 好啊
- 全喝掉 - 我覺得你屁股吞食能力真強
進去了，進去了
全喝掉，全喝掉
快全進去了，繼續
加油，差不多了
還有兩滴
- 哦，天啊. - 給我來個素描，斯蒂夫
他像女孩一樣撒尿
斯蒂沃，要是你的屁眼看不到鏡頭
鏡頭就拍不到你的屁眼
- 鏡頭就在這裡 - 就在這，就在這
看看蘭斯，笑得停不下來了
他撒尿時不知道怎麼對準鏡頭
哦，天啊
- 我覺得蘭斯已經不行了 - 我知道
我覺得屁股裡還有啤酒，但是我弄不出來了
用瓶子，把瓶子塞到屁股上
- 用拔子 - 對，拔他的屁眼
你最好快拉
好啦，我們去酒吧吧
好極了
操
我是萊恩·丹，這個是火箭推車
5，4，3，2，1
再見
- 我覺得我尾骨斷了 - 真的，砸到水面弄的？
嗨，我是約翰尼· 諾克斯維爾 這是大蟒蛇球坑
操
我套了個杯子，但還是很痛
大蟒蛇很會偽裝，他們是潛伏型的獵人
- 你什麼意思？ - 他們會讓你大吃一驚
我不知道會不會那麼吃驚
你們得抓住它們，它們可是想幹掉 詹妮弗·洛佩茲和冰方呢（指影片狂蟒之災）
行了，知道，知道
- 有什麼不對嗎，邁克 - 別他媽的推我
我是你這邊的
抓住了
把另一台攝像機也調過來
抓住他
操
哦，天
- 他流了不少血啊 - 是啊
他開始聞到你們了
你們幹得真不錯
非常好，你們找到方法了
抓住他，抓住了
哦不，丹被纏住了，糟糕
把你的破手拿開
你們幹得不錯
- 他頭躲哪去了 - 埋進去了
- 抓住了 - 好啊
- 我抓住蛇了 - 好啊
他他媽的纏著我胳膊
把他弄到曼尼那，曼尼那
嘿，曼尼，來一下
抓住了
哦，天啊，你被釘透了
我啥都沒做，都是他幹的
好啦，我們抓住蛇了
跑啊，萊恩，快跑
糟糕，忘記另外一條了
這是冰馬
看你的蛋會不會粘到馬上
- 來吧 - 你想讓我來？
為了兄弟們
為了兄弟們，來吧
- 不會粘上的 - 會的，會粘上的
只是需要一點水
誰帶水來了嗎？
- 好極了 - 謝謝
別考慮，直接干
你個混蛋
天，你腿真白
給，你得真的把水澆到蛋蛋上面
哦，看起來真恐怖
它拉著我的毛
你夠了嗎？
- 這屁股真棒 - 哦，天啊!
把我皮都撕下來了
看這水泡
看他跑的這個快
嘿，看，屎，毛，還有更多的屎
我是維曼，表演的是沼澤傘兵
天，夥計，你還好吧
什麼，我聽不清，有點
「我聽不清，有點」
你就像一塊石頭一樣飛過河
你時速起碼80邁
哦，天啊.
你穿上這身衣服，奇跡就會發生
現在，我們在卡門德阿里哥
這位是我們的朋友瑟吉 他會給我們演示一下
怎麼給馬擠「奶」
我們的方案是
他們會帶過來一匹種馬 真正的「靈馬神驅」
而這有匹母馬
等種馬一上母馬
我們就會抓住它的陽具
塞到這個偽裝的母馬陰道裡
老一套的交換把戲了
真差勁啊
- 開始 - 種馬出場
它眼神真是瘋狂透頂啊
我也見過你的這種眼神，龐蒂亞斯
開始了
哦，小傢伙，上了，上了
哦，小傢伙
好，我們把陽具塞到偽陰道裡了
我覺得我感覺到它的龜頭了
誰把蛋蛋給穩住
它可比你堅持的久啊，斯蒂沃
成功
- 哦，天啊 - 它剛剛取悅了一匹馬
這能喝嗎？
可以
沒問題
要是我喝了，感覺不好
將來要換的
沒問題，沒問題
- 好啦，開始拍攝 - 好
真不少
我不知道，我應該拍...
你能試試嗎？
是精子
我從來沒有吐過 但剛才我差點吐了
我真感覺羞恥
真的
我感覺極其羞恥
- 準備好了？ - 恩，好啦，你呢？
反之你也不可能打穿
龐蒂亞斯，你覺得你能對付兩層板嗎
可以
李小龍是怎麼玩的，呼氣
我好像懂了
哦，天啊
我完全沒準備好這招
我們在寡婦製造者這裡
來玩這個大輪胎競賽
- 我進不去 - 你可以的
我保證你可以的
哦，媽的
- 聽你發令 - 操
準備，開始
- 你完蛋了 - 哦，操
我陷在裡面了
夥計
我們幫你
我不喜歡這個，完全不喜歡
太差勁了
- 為啥不喜歡 - 我的頭震來震去的
- 就這樣，厄爾文 - 就這樣，厄爾文
- 耶穌基督啊，你屁股真肥 - 幫忙啊
哦，操
我們現在在印度，找到了一位水蛭醫生
這些小伙子們需要點治療
- 醫生，你能幫忙嗎？ - 當然，幹嘛不呢？
有人生病的時候
我們就用水蛭療法
給他們的血液排毒，就用水蛭
很好，我們放一條到戴夫的蛋蛋上吧
我不建議對睪丸施行水蛭療法
要是你一定要干，你可以自己做
別給我啊
好啦，先生們
這是我見過的最大的水蛭
哦，操，操啊
- 哦，天啊 - 天啊
不要
如果是純的話，水蛭從身體的那個部分是吸不到血的
進去了，進去了
操，媽的
救命
你得讓它待一會
操啊
你得讓它待一會
你得讓它...
操
求你，拿開吧
- 求你了，可以拿開嗎？ - 好啦，我拿開它
求你了
- 別擔心 - 拿開
- 趕快拿走 - 這真有趣
趕快拿走
等等，讓我看看你怎麼樣了
操
現在是謝幕高潮，水蛭眼鏡
謝謝，醫生
- 耶穌基督啊 - 看這，看這
好，這是嘴
就這樣
把它放上去
加油啊，水蛭
它正在盯著你呢
我覺得我們應該
它在我眼球上了
不，等等
起來，一直睜著眼睛
一直睜著眼睛 一直睜著眼睛，斯蒂沃
斯蒂沃，一直睜著眼睛
睜開，睜開，看...不
看
放鬆，放鬆
看起來酷嗎？
不錯，正好在那
有條水蛭咬過我的眼球
真棒
繼續
這些今天賣嗎
是的，5塊
哦，真是不錯的襯衫
顏色很漂亮
這件真的不錯
- 你覺得... - 哦，媽的
我想買，可能，買一件
嘿，你的奶頭出來了
- 什麼？ - 他說你襯衫開了
穿上這件襯衫？
不，你的襯衫
你那東西懸在襯衫外面了，夫人 你在幹嘛？
把你襯衫穿好
你覺得我應該挑哪件？
別惹我
本對蛇怕的要死
所以我們帶來了這位戴維·維澤斯來給他點驚喜
眼鏡王蛇
耶穌...
哦，天啊
很酷的，已經沒毒了
我是本·馬吉拉，這是風洞表演
哦，天啊，幹嘛？
本，膽子大點
不，不，不行
媽的眼鏡蛇啊，夥計
嘿，我不喜歡它這麼盯著我
你們真是一群混蛋
- 你哭了？ - 是的
好耶
它盯上你了
我不幹了
哦，天，天
戴夫，戴夫
我很久沒見過這麼酷的事了
白小伙不喜歡蛇
呃？
你跑那上去想幹嘛
我的想法是待車頂上 因為我不相信任何人
我真應該再仔細想想 但我在喝啤酒
我意思是「路易斯安哪怎麼會有那群玩蛇的呢」
然後我做好我這部分的事，但是突然
冒出來一條眼鏡王蛇
我簡直...我反正就待這上面
你們真他媽的混蛋，我誰都不信了
我的酒也讓你們給浪費了
- 操 - 操
我是斯蒂沃，這是屁面具
我吃了他媽的屎
有屎
我一屁股屎，得擦擦
真是超級好屎
我是戴夫·英格蘭，這是我的大綠球
我要你把嬰兒爽身粉
撒到我屁股溝裡
你要我把...
- 多放點 - 對，對，太好了
是誰？
聽到「噗」的一聲了嗎？
真的有？
「老人蛋蛋」
對不起
你們有11號的嗎
讓我看看
真不錯
- 先生 - 別煩我
進來
去那邊，我不在乎
警察
他真是個小壞蛋
真對不起
哦，天啊，讓我想起我的前妻
現在是半夜
我們會叫醒菲爾讓他和普萊斯頓換換
猿人一定會瘋掉的
這就是交換把戲
好啦
活潑點沒關係
我馬上就幹掉你
菲爾，別這樣
別這樣
哦，天啊，你在幹嘛
你還好嗎？耶穌基督，你
你
菲爾
你在幹嘛 你在幹嘛
- 怎麼了 - 怎麼了
哦，天啊！哦，天啊
哦，天啊
那是誰？是誰？
那是誰？
那不是你爸爸，那是誰？ 那是誰？燈在哪？
- 你感覺如何，夫人？ - 什麼，誰？
我去喝點水，怎麼了？
哦，天啊
天，我覺得我簡直在侵犯她
菲爾，他碰我了
僥倖沒事
你和其他男人一起過嗎？
他是不是更肥？
你可以回答，我不會生氣
我剛剛侵犯你了，你說什麼都可以
不，你感覺更矮
- 你可以隨便說什麼 - 你碰到那個部分了？
到此為止，我要上床了
哦，耶穌啊
哦，媽的
那是什麼玩意，進我眼睛裡了
那他媽是啥
哦，天
我真他媽不懂
你們他媽的對我幹什麼了
那他媽是啥
我徹底完蛋了
我們進去吧
- 你還好吧 - 操
我們進去吧，裡面有醫生
這個時刻你就知道約翰尼·諾克斯維爾 有多麼冒險
我真高興我不是這片子的明星
諾克斯維爾要看看月球是什麼樣的
他絕對會飛到60英尺的空中
他會完蛋的，但我不想告訴他
你會平安無事的
嗨，我是約翰尼·諾克斯維爾 這是我的大紅火箭
5，4，3，2，1
起飛
那是怎麼回事
媽的
哦，天啊，他差點死掉，居然還在跳舞
一般來說，據說火箭多少會失敗
但這火箭也太差了點
要是那是在這炸開
這就是老諾克斯維爾的遺像了
我們再來一次，火箭發射，第二次試驗
我看著都怕
- 我想要蘭斯的頭盔 - 我興奮極了
即使火箭這次不炸
最後也不會有啥好結果
- 這不是最佳構思嗎？ - 是的
我是約翰尼·諾克斯維爾 我要去月球了
5，4，3，2，1
再會
你沒事吧？
給我樹起拇指看看
在幹嘛，普萊斯頓，我們今天幹嘛？
我們用丹澤·厄爾文開個玩笑
我們把他裝扮成恐怖分子
我們有全套行頭
他和迪米特裡會叫輛出租
這主意是耍那出租司機的
裝作他們要去機場
幹什麼恐怖襲擊一樣
- 厄爾文，你去哪？ - 對，你去哪？
我要去布班克機場
同時，我們將用傑·昌德雷薩克來扮司機
他將給厄爾文臉上狠狠來兩拳 可能還會掏把槍頂住他
如果他說我們是拍電影
就說「別對我廢話」
然後這麼煽他耳光 你可以煽他很多下
我不知道他怎麼處理這個 這個壓力很大啊
我不覺得他能很好的應付壓力
好啦，我現在
要給厄爾文的新鬍子做點貢獻
我希望他知道我一周半沒洗澡了
只希望把這弄得更噁心點
對不起了，厄爾文
看他的鬃毛
有人得把這從牙齒上弄下去
我要是厄爾文一定要恨死了
你，喜歡放爽身粉在那？
對，我早上放了點
撓癢癢
人類已知的最毒混合物
疾病之巢啊
這是我的，你不需要太多
好比一丁點響尾蛇的毒就足以把你放倒
這就是全部了？
等等，邁克，那是陰虱嗎？
- 那白東西是什麼？ - 是什麼？
是陰虱
邁克有陰虱
嘿，夥計們，邁克有陰虱
那是什麼？
這個，膠
這用來粘住鬍子的
台詞怎麼辦，我是說 我從來沒幹過這個
- 這是個遊戲，懂嗎？ - 先問候一下他，然後就開始辱罵
- 這真他媽差 - 別演砸了
好啦，厄爾文，最主要的
你不能告訴他你是從哪個國家來的
這是非常好的主意 雖然壓抑了點，但棒極了
閉上你的嘴，放鬆
我們要把你裝扮成
我們覺得這傢伙心目中恐怖分子的樣子
你沒有取笑任何人 我們只是嚇嚇這個出租司機
我差不多已經知道了
神父，你好，神父
閉嘴，我讓你早點來的
- 對不起，神父 - 你來晚了，不能接受你
我讓你失望了
你去哪了，小混蛋
- 我去尿尿了 - 哦
厄爾文，你最棒
謝謝
你笑什麼，你們笑什麼
本·馬吉拉的事情
看這鬍子多好，傑夫
你好
- 你好，很高興見到你 - 我也很高興見到你
我看起來很嚇人啊 我要是生來就這樣就好了
你說的好像滑稽演員一樣 別把這個弄成搞笑影片
不，非常好，我現在知道怎麼演了
不，我覺得應該有點...
我們有兩部攝像機跟著
對不起
你好
我想說，雖然以前沒幹過化妝
但我真的覺得，我好像完成了什麼一樣
我覺得我在吃陰毛一樣
這破玩意弄得我滿嘴都是
- 角上有嗎？ - 是的，好像我在嚼這個似的
- 這是真的毛嗎？ - 不是，像而已
我把它從你嘴裡取出來
好啦，感覺好點嗎？
我舌頭後面還有 on the back of my tongue.
這裡，出來了？
嗯，非常好
- 非常專業 - 謝謝
你好，我叫厄爾文·邁克格雷 這是恐怖出租
現在應該叫出租了
女士們先生們，歡迎觀看影片的高潮
出租來了，開拍，開拍，開始吧
- 他一無所知 - 我不想讓化妝散了
- 我們要全程監聽？We get to listen the whole time? - 我真高興我進了這輛車
哦，天啊
他演的太投入了，一無所知
從這裡開始
請開到布班克機場
好的
- 你們從哪來的 - 這不關你事，對不起
你有什麼行李或者...
沒有，我們不帶行李
我不怎麼喜歡這個國家
但我喜歡鄉村，鄉村不錯
還有乳房
好，我結婚了
你太太乳房多少號的
我們可以不談我太太嗎？
很好，很好
比D大嗎？
我喜歡D號的
你想讓我他媽的停車嗎？這他媽的
不，對不起，我不說話了
那有架飛機
我們馬上就到了
轟，非常近了
你什麼意思，「轟」
「轟」就好像「轟」「轟隆」這樣的
機場在後面，你往哪開
你去哪？你往哪開？
別去小道，太嚇人了，停車，操
操，操，你這個瘋子，去死
操，混蛋
吃屎，混蛋
錢，我給你錢，很多錢
轟，轟，我要把我們一起炸死
就現在，我炸死你
這他媽怎麼回事
到底怎麼回事，他有槍
我有炸彈
操，我有他媽的炸彈
別碰我
別碰我，別碰我
我們在拍戲
別碰我
- 你要讓我幹嘛 - 趴地上
- 你要讓我幹嘛 - 趴到他媽的地上去
快趴地上
趴下
全亂了
趴下，臉朝下
幹嘛啊，夥計，別這樣嘛
我他媽的就知道，他有槍，真是亂搞
照他說的辦，照他說的辦
待那裡，我他媽的要叫警察
這傢伙他媽的有槍
快啊，出來啊
別動
別用槍對著我，你個混蛋
那就趴下
- 操 - 就放鬆點吧
操，是槍啊
操
- 你他媽的想讓我們幹嘛 - 起來
起來，厄爾文，快起來
為啥，我幹嘛要起來 你讓我他媽的趴下的
厄爾文，他他媽的有槍
快他媽起來，我們得離開這
- 進去 - 不幹，你去死
- 照他的話做吧 - 進他媽後背箱裡去
他拿槍他媽的指著我啊 混蛋，混球
- 進他媽後背箱裡去 - 夥計，進去吧
你要是整我，我他媽的一定找到你 不管用什麼招
- 快進去 - 我說真的
我怎麼會進他媽的出租的他媽的後背箱的
- 他有槍 - 小子，進去，你退後
夥計把槍放下吧
你他媽的閉嘴
- 哦，操 - 媽的
- 怎麼回事 - 趴地上
我他媽的認真的
我流血了
別，別，夥計，我們在拍電影
- 你去死，滾開 - 別，我們在拍電影
這位是本·馬吉拉，很有名的
看，這有攝像機，這還有錄音師
我們他媽的在拍電影
這傢伙穿著炸彈衣
嘿，把槍放下
怎麼回事？
他開槍打了我
普萊斯頓，你個蠢貨 把我他媽的弄出去
- 操 - 求你了，先生
- 求你了 - 求你了，先生
怎麼回事？
把我弄出去
媽的
哦，天，不
哦，操，我要他媽的死了
我怎麼會他媽的同意做這個的 這他媽的都不是我的主意
操啊
哦，天啊
我真沒法相信
怎麼回事，你是演員還是幹嘛的
- 來吧 - 真他媽的
我差點拉褲子上，我不是開玩笑的
夥計，真是棒極了
哦，天，我現在真的很高興，真的
哦，天啊，我那時真擔心
操
我懂了，這是計中計
他他媽的掏出把槍對著我
看你的鬍子從哪來的
看，看我給你看看
看我這
看，都是我們的陰毛
你該把他媽弄下來
哦，天啊，真噁心
這他媽的越來越糟了
你們沒用強力膠水吧
沒有
真噁心，我告訴讓你們別那樣的
厄爾文，別這樣，幹嘛對我生氣
我他媽的滿臉都是你的吊毛
真噁心，給我什麼東西把這些弄下來
這些都到我嘴裡了
你怎麼解釋臉上的陰虱啊
這玩意弄得我滿嘴都是
這不是從我吊上弄的 有些是屁股上的
哦，天啊，真差勁
看看這個，德裡克的
「好啦，誰把陰虱弄來的，操我吧」
有人有陰虱
說真的，陰毛有必要嗎？
當然了
這才是最搞笑的吧
哈哈，陰毛粘在他臉上
- 癢嗎？ - 都到我嘴裡了
你幹嘛要弄嘴裡
我是約翰尼·諾克斯維爾 這是熊夾子
最佳時刻來了
夏日過後還有啥，除了凋謝的玫瑰
最佳時刻到來了
至於明天，誰知道，誰知道，誰知道
弄下來
弄下來，弄下來
最佳時刻到來了
夏日過後還有啥，除了凋謝的玫瑰
最佳時刻到來了
至於明天，誰知道，誰知道，誰知道
趕快抓住此時吧
好好去活去愛吧
讓此時永久留存吧
因為最佳時刻到來了
就是現在，現在
操
現在
不是被忘記的昨天
不是久遠的明天
趕快抓住此時吧
好好去活去愛吧
讓此時永久留存吧
因為最佳時刻到來了 就是現在，現在
趕快抓住此時吧
好好去活去愛吧
讓此時永久留存吧
因為最佳時刻到來了 就是現在，現在
就是現在
我要讓你蠢蛋到家 幫我個忙
你在猜我幹嘛要喝酒？ 是為了讓我神經堅強
我非常堅強，強的上周都動不了
我喝伏特加和黑棗汁 這叫做打樁機
我會沒事的
求你了，上帝，不要再來蠢蛋搞怪秀3了
我連第二集都不想拍
你好，我是約翰尼·諾克斯維爾
歡迎來到印度
可以把他的吊離我遠點嗎
加油
我一點不喜歡這個
對不起，兄弟，沒看見你
我去找製片
你又把我牙弄掉了
看瑞克
他他媽的吞了
馬精子
我上鏡又沒拿錢，你個混蛋
真不錯
是啊
嗯，你有什麼
開拍
別掉了你的東西
裝的疼點，好嗎
哇，過後覺得精神充沛
哦，天啊，看，對著攝像師
吐水池裡
- 吐水池裡 - 吐水池裡
- 準備好了嗎？ - 好啦
嘿，他們準備好啦 你們想拍嗎？
你還好吧，兄弟
我很好
水性潤滑劑，朋友還是敵人
你自己做主
我呼吸不了了
你能弄開嗎，求你
- 這是你的水果嗎？ - 不是
真漂亮，又圓又香
- 橙子多少錢 - 6塊
好的
我不小心割到自己了 我需要醫生
醫生
- 我們要抓這些？ - 是的
你他媽的開玩笑吧
哦，天啊
別玩這個
蛇會被熱源吸引
對，我們得讓老鼠夠熱，蛇才會想要
但不能太熱
- 看他的臉 - 大紅斑
一堆
媽的
媽的發生什麼了
- 醫生 - 醫生
有人說停
怎麼了，本
我真不喜歡我得他媽的
和鱷魚眼鏡蛇一起
給我屁股燙小鳥
所有事都他媽的噁心
好像每個人今天都在操我
襪子也不合適
這根本不好笑
我想回家
謝謝觀賞！ TLF中文字幕站 http://tlfsubs.eastgame.net
Holy shit!
Oh, fuck!
No, no, no!
Oh, shit!
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to Jackass!
All right, boys and girls. It's time for a puppet show.
Once upon a time, there was a hungry serpent
and a lonely field mouse who needed a friend.
Hello, Mr. Serpent.
My name is Mr. Mousey. I wanna be your friend.
Yeah, just make sure my whole weiner's out. I wanna look good.
How about if I tickle him on the tail? Hey, over here.
That's not nice.
That's not the way we play back home.
That was not nice.
Dude.
He's like an inch away.
Here we go. Give me a little kissy.
A little kiss.
Oh, God!
Oh, God, that hurts!
It's got its tooth stuck in his dick!
I guess the puppet show's over then.
Oh, my God.
"Hi, Jackass guys.
"I heard you were staying at this hotel."
- What the fuck is that? - Dude, look at that.
It's like... Someone like...
Look at it. What is this? I can't even read it, dude.
Read it out loud.
"Hi, Jackass guys. I heard you were staying at this hotel.
"My name is Stephanie and me and my friends love you.
"Some of you actually hooked up with my sister four years ago.
"I don't care about that."
Oh! You fucking dick.
Oh, my God.
I was wondering why it was so fucking small.
Did you see this?
Fucking fans just wrote this, like, saying how much they want to fuck us.
And it says... Read it up close. It's fucking hilarious.
- Read it out loud for the camera. - Okay.
"Some of you actually hooked up with my sister four years ago."
It was probably you.
"And I don't care about that.
"Me and my friends will totally rock your world.
"I wanna fuck you all."
It's the fucking stupidest thing I've ever seen.
Fans actually put that... Read the little part, dude.
Get Wee Mars little ass up here but only if... No one be in the hall.
- Just, like, Bam. He's selling it so good. - Is there a chair out here?
Wee Man, dude, some girl wants to rock your world.
Dude, you got to read this. These fans put up this...
Dude, stand on this.
Read it out loud for the camera. It's perfect "behind the scenes", dude.
"Hi, Jackass guys. I heard you were staying at this hotel.
"My name is Stephanie and me and my friends love you.
"Some of you actually hooked up with my sister four years ago.
"I don't care about that.
"Me and my friends..."
Oh, my God, that was amazing.
He actually stood on the chair.
Why would there ever be a chair in the hallway?
I'm Dave England, and this is the Firehose Rodeo.
Fucking hell!
God damn it!
Oh, shit!
- Bravo, homo. - Did you see how he slammed?
My ass hurts so fucking bad!
- Hey, is it bleeding? - Yeah.
Man, you are bleeding.
- My ass is bleeding? - We have rectal bleeding.
Another first for Jackass.
Get back here, you little bastard! Get back here!
Now it's time for a little Bicentennial BMXing.
- All right. - Alley-oop.
Hear ye, hear ye.
This is really going to suck.
Why would anybody ride this shit?
It's like, what's the reasoning?
Why wouldn't they just make two of the same-size wheel?
Oh, fuck.
- You all right? - Yeah.
You didn't land it.
My head stopped my body from getting really hurt on that one.
Oh, fuck.
See, we have a weight going up and it's supposed to hit me in the nuts,
but I'd prefer to have, like, a dildo instead of the weight
and then, instead of the nuts, it'll be my ass. It'll go right in.
That's the way to do it.
Could somebody make a dick run? Please?
Today's debate. Is it wrong to be strong?
You be the judge.
Now, Bam just took a golden dildo up his ass at high speed.
That's what happened.
My name is Gloria and I'm 90 years old.
And I'm a slut.
Okay, I'm going to go get us a table now, okay?
- Bye, Mama. Thank you. - Goodbye.
Go ahead. I'm fine.
Excuse me, sir. Could I use your cellular telephone?
What's the number?
I don't know what number. It's the driver.
- Oh, yes. Could you dial it for me? - Yes, yes.
What is the number?
I don't know. What is his number? I don't know.
This happens every time I go to brunch.
- Is this okay for now? - Yes, thank you.
I'm Danger Ehren, here with Thor, and this is the Mini-Loop.
He can barely ride it.
Fuck.
Fuck!
All right, let Thor try it.
Come on.
I hit my head pretty hard.
Good thing I'm wearing that helmet. Safety first.
I love that confidence.
I'm not gay but I... I kind of want to fuck him.
- Come on, Danger, get on it. - How's the bike?
Bike's good.
He's mocking the loop.
After this movie comes out, you're totally going to lose your virginity.
- You almost pulled it off. - I don't think dudes count, Chris.
Here we are at some random-ass ranch,
and this is the Brand.
And it's gonna suck.
- Drop them. - Good luck.
Christ!
- You have no hair on your ass. - It is pretty.
- You ready? - No.
- You better get ready quick. - That is a mini hard dick right there.
Try not to move around. You don't want to have two of those things on you.
Oh, dear God. I wasrt bummed for you, till right now.
Okay.
If I take it off, it's gonna go cold in a second.
I have to keep it on until we're ready to film.
Fuck.
All right. You said 10 seconds 20 seconds ago.
Clean him off.
- All right, you ready? - No.
Don't move.
- Go, go, go! - Don't move.
Press it hard, you idiot!
Fuck! It's good.
No, it's not, dude. You got to hold it to it.
Oh, fuck! Dude, that hurts so fucking bad!
Well, if you didn't jump out of the way, I would've had it done the first time.
- You should've pressed, you asshole! - I did press! You went like that!
Fuck! Oh, God damn, that hurt so bad.
Turn around.
I'm not going to burn you again. I already got you three times.
- Three of them. - You gave me a hologram dick.
There's three solid dicks, there's one half-assed one right here
and then you gave me a set of balls.
- But a sweet set of balls. - Rad.
I'd rather rip my dick off and throw it in the river
than to do that again.
God damn.
We're at Ape and Phil's house
and I'm gonna present them the branded dick on my butt.
Let me rephrase that. Dicks.
- Well, I gave him a present. - What present?
He loved it.
- What? - It still hurts.
- What? What am I looking at? - He gave me a dick farm on my ass.
Oh, my God! What is that? What is that?
- I branded his ass. - It's supposed to be a dick
but he did it six times, so now I have a dick farm on my ass.
- Is that permanent? - Yes! Look!
- What is that, a tattoo? - It's a brand. A hot iron for cows.
Bam, that is so infected!
That does not look good. Oh, my God, he's going to have that for life!
- You're going to have that for life. - No shit.
If you have one on there, you should've made it bigger and more realistic.
- That puny thing's embarrassing. - Ape, I got a muffed-up-ass butt.
I know, and you had the cutest butt ever and now you've ruined it.
- No, Dick Farm Dunn ruined it. - Yeah, why'd you ruin it?
I tried to do it good. He jumped around. I was scared. I'm burning my own friend.
Why would you burn him in the first place, Dunn?
- Because it was funny. - It's not funny.
Get ready to be happy, ladies and gentlemen.
Johnny Knoxville is going to jump the entire lake.
He's amazing.
What happened? You were going about one mile per hour,
then, all of a sudden, 60.
I thought you were gonna hang on.
There is no holding on to that motherfucker.
Oh, my God.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Zupan is going to jump the entire lake.
Mark, give our regards to the folks on the other side.
I thought they forgot to set it off and then it just took off.
- I don't know what happened. - I don't either.
- All I know is he almost made it. - He's a hero.
We're here in England with Mat Hoffman
and he's about to jump the English Channel into Germany.
Good luck, Mat.
That was fucking great.
What was so great about that? He didn't even go to Germany.
Oh, my God.
It's a lovely day for a swim in the Gulf of Mexico.
I'm Steve-O, and this is the Fish Hook.
Oh, man, that's gone through. I got you.
- Oh, dude. - We got it? We're good?
That hurt to do that to you.
Yeah, it looks great.
- Oh, my God. - All right, cast me out, God damn it.
Now it's time for some man-fishing.
- The hammerhead's right there. - Oh, my God.
Thank God we brought Manny to make sure sharks would show up.
He's coming to get you, Steve-O. Act like a sick or wounded animal.
Look at that fin right behind him.
Dude, isn't this movie supposed to be a comedy?
I can't believe I'm fishing for sharks with Steve-O as my bait.
It's like a dream come true.
Oh, my God.
- Here comes a mako! - Oh, shit! Steve-O!
Oh, my God. He's right behind you, Steve-O.
- I am the fuck out of here. - No, you're good, man.
Stay in there.
The shark's coming right at you!
Oh, shit.
- Come on, stay out there, O! - You already got the fucking shot!
I want to hear Manny scream.
Dude, I fucking kicked the thing in the fucking head!
Get up here.
Steve-O, do you know how lucky you are?
A mako almost bit your foot off.
I've been so lucky today.
Fuck!
You are lucky.
Fuck, that hurts. Damn it. Thank you so much, God.
You bastard.
This is champion card-thrower Jim Karol.
He's come to throw cards into Wee Mars ass.
What Wee Man doesn't realize is that he'll be sitting on the Electric Stool.
God, I hate picking on Wee Man.
- Wee Man, I'd say you're up. - Jump up on the stool.
All right, on three I'm gonna whip it at you.
You might feel it a little bit, all right?
- On three. Ready? - Don't worry about it.
One,
two...
Fuck! That fucking...
Did it hit a nerve?
- Dude, it hit, like, right in there. - Oh, I'm sorry. I threw it too hard.
Try one more. It didn't stick. He's going to get it to stick.
On three. One,
two,
three.
I don't fucking like that, dude. No, I don't fucking like that, dude.
That fucking hurts, dude.
Tell the camera exactly what's happening.
All right, every time this dude throws a fucking card in my ass,
it fucking jolts me, so I jump off.
I'm not going to fucking sit there.
- Let me do a pickup shot. - No.
The pickup shot is, you pinch the card in your butt.
- Just stick it in there so it's sticking out. - All right.
- Okay, go. - One, two, three.
It's still in there.
- Jump back up. - Do you want me to lift you on there?
- Wait... - Okay, fuckers!
No, there's a machine in here fucking doing it,
you fucking fuckers.
Where's the fucking card-throwing machine?
Where's the fucking card-throwing machine, dude?
Show him what it is. Show him what's funny.
Oh, the fucking chair's rigged!
Oh, my God.
There's a card-throwing machine in here, dude.
Dude, Wee Man, I would never use a card-throwing machine on you.
That couldn't have gone any better.
I didn't know that Knoxville could do back flips.
It was, like, a front flip.
- Where do yaks come from? - That's from Siberia.
So that's why Eskimos don't have rodeos.
Yeah.
Tell me about your original drawing for this.
See, when I come up with my ideas, I don't write them down.
I just draw a picture and fax it to Los Angeles.
I just drew a picture of a fat-ass
and a little guy with a bungee cord connected.
Jason, how do you compare this kind of athleticism to what you guys do?
You guys are a hell of a lot more athletic than us
and a lot crazier, too.
Dude, look how nervous he is.
We're here in Miami Beach with Jason Taylor
and this is the Bungee Jump.
- Are you ready, Preston? - Just go! Just go!
Three, two, one...
Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Oh, my God.
- Preston. - That worked perfect.
- Did I yank you? - Oh, fuck, yeah.
Okay, I went down, I'm upside-down, I see Preston coming.
Once he was past me, he pulled me down more.
- So, like, I slammed the water. - Oh, you were above the water?
Yeah, I felt the full pressure of the bungee.
That was intense. Really intense. Well, not really intense,
but pretty intense.
- What's your name again? - What? Irving.
- Irving, yeah. - Irving Zisman.
Hey, can we get some fries, please?
Some time today.
There you go. Take a sip.
That'll put lead in your pencil, kid.
You got a light?
Shit.
Hey, little guy, is that a real cigarette?
- Piss off, man. - Is it?
He said, "Piss off!"
Jesus.
Here, Gramps.
Thank you.
Don't hog it all, you little prick.
Give me that.
- This is LA. - What?
- This is LA. - Yeah?
- Don't do what? - We don't drink out in public.
- You don't drink out in public? - No.
- Well, maybe you should start, bub. - Yeah. Where are you guys from?
- We're from your face. - Yeah?
- Mind your own business, asshole. - What?
I said, "Mind your own business, asshole."
- Okay, you'd better be quiet, buddy. - What are you gonna do?
- You wanna step outside? - We're already outside, numbnuts.
He asked me if I wanted to step outside.
- You are from LA, ain't you, boy? - Do you want to go around the block?
Yeah, we'll go around the block.
We'll go around the block and see your mother.
This is bullshit. We're surrounded by cocksuckers.
All right, kid. It's time for Grandpa's massage.
You get massages with happy endings?
That's right.
- Say goodbye to the hippies. - Bye, hippies.
- Don't get beat up out here. - "Beat up out here"?
I don't have to worry about that in LA. Not with you skinny sons of bitches.
Okay, Old Man River. Watch your mouth.
I hear a lot of talking.
You're letting that bulldog mouth overload that puppy-dog ass.
Look at him. Look how tough he is.
You allow your nine-year-old son to drink?
- It's my grandson. - I don't give a fuck.
Wow, now you swear in front of him? What kind of role model are you?
Get the fuck out of here and go back to Mississippi.
Step over this line. Just step over that line.
- Oh! You stepped over the line! - I didn't step over a line.
You stepped over the line.
That long hair don't cover that red neck, boy.
Piss off!
- Let's go. - Go crawl back in your mama's ass!
What the fuck is that? What the hell is that?
We're sledding.
- Bam, what the hell are you doing? - We're sledding.
- Give me a ten! - What about my floor?
- How's your belly feeling, dude? - I'm just a diarrhea machine.
- Is it like a baby? Is it kicking? - It's very similar to a baby.
- Is it kicking? - No, come on! No.
Seriously, I'm not joking. Seriously.
Are you gonna shit? Wouldrt you feel better?
We have a whole wardrobe van.
I don't want a new wardrobe. I just wanna not shit my pants.
So, the boys think they're arriving in a limo for a photo shoot,
but little do they know,
we have a shitload of bees we're going to put through the sun roof.
And we rigged the locks so they can't get out.
And when they do get out, we got a couple of marbles for them.
This is the Beehive Limo.
Last movie, you shit in a damn van and now you get to shit in a limo.
Yeah, you're stepping it up. You're stepping it up, dude.
Oh, this isn't good.
Dude, close that fucking sun roof, dude!
Fuck! Fuck! We're locked in!
Oh, my God, that sucks!
They're fucking stinging my legs!
Get the fuck off of me, dude! You're getting them over here.
You guys are fucking dicks, man. Fuck.
They're on my feet!
The poor driver's running around, freaking out.
That's so good.
Sorry, bros.
I pissed myself.
One just got me, right now, as we speak. Look at that.
Fuck.
- That was real funny, fuckers. - Is there even a photo shoot?
We're here with the Three 6 Mafia, and it's time for the Rake Jump.
Do it!
What an idiot.
I'm going to pay this motherfucker right here 200 smackeroos,
it's not counterfeit, it's real, to eat horse shit.
But it's all furry, though.
- Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! - Go! Go! Go! Go!
Really eat it, though. Chew, chew, chew!
Swallow it!
- Put your shades up! - Hold the 200.
- Come on, soldier! - Don't even think about not swallowing.
It's so dry!
Don't even think about it!
- Swallow it! - Don't you even think about it.
Don't you even think about it.
- He ain't soft! - Swallow it! Swallow it, nigga!
Give him a beer, give him a beer. Give it to him, give it to him!
Really eat it, though.
- I'm watching you. - Yes, sir.
Here, man.
Dude, your breath smells like shit!
We're here with Daniel Alvarez from ALS Technologies and...
Why don't you explain what this is and what we're gonna be doing?
Well, this is the 460 Stingmore Mine.
It has approximately 700 .45-caliber rubber balls in it.
They'll fly out of there at about 500 feet per second.
They use these charges on the outside of embassies
to protect the gates from people trying to break in.
- Looks like it's gonna suck. - It is. I promise.
Fire in the hole.
- Fuck that, dude. - Fucking Christ!
That is great!
I'm about to, like, have an anxiety attack.
I just can't do this one. It's just too gnarly.
Dude, Knoxville is...
If Knoxville goes in there, dude,
I'll French kiss him.
- Are you insane? - No. All you got to do is stand there.
Yeah, and get killed. Look at that thing. That thing blew the hell up.
It's just loud. It's loud. It's going to hurt really bad, but it's just loud.
You're nuts.
- No, no, no. Come on. It's footage. - You're nuts.
Son of a... Fuck you.
Holy shit!
All you guys are fucking assholes.
- You all right, Bam? - You all right?
My God.
- Are you crying? - I think he's hurt.
Can we give Bam some water?
Maybe a Shirley Temple.
I'm crying. I'm a fucking skateboarder and I'm getting shot.
They all went for my stomach.
I got hit in the legs worse.
Those... Did any get me in the face?
You got hit in the stomach pretty good.
- That was great. - That was.
- Thanks, fellows. - Yeah. Appreciate it.
Hey, is this okay?
Then we're good.
Do you like painting models?
Yeah, but I don't need models for this type of work.
Okay.
- It looks very vaginal and feminine. - Well, thank you.
- And sexual. - Thank you.
- Yes, thank you. It's beautiful. - Thank you.
It's time to play a game with a bunch of these medicine balls.
And they're heavy as shit.
It's on!
- This is Medicine Ball Dodgeball. - In the dark.
Can't see anything.
- What did you think? - That was fun. Let's never do that again.
Ever!
Three, two, one!
Holy...
Who'd want to do that? You're not doing that.
- Who's going first? - What rhymes with Dunn?
Fun.
- Ready, sailor? - No.
- This is dumb. - This is going to be dope.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my God. Oh, jeez.
Get me out of this!
You're a fucking dick.
That was mean.
He needs help.
That was so mean.
You are an asshole.
That was totally not me. I had nothing to do with it.
You pulled it down!
I didn't!
Oh, my God, my hip. I think I gave birth.
Hi, I'm John Waters, and this is the Magic Trick.
We're gonna make Wee Man disappear.
Where'd he go?
Very nice.
That's great.
You're the best magician ever, John.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville
and I'm here with Mat Hoffman and Tony Hawk
and this is the Gauntlet.
I just gave him a chest pass!
Open the windows!
This is the Toro Totter.
It's me and Pontius vs. Dunn and Bam
and the last man on the teeter-totter is the winner.
It's gonna be a bloodbath.
Oh, yes!
What did I do?
Dunn, stay there!
So why did I agree to do this one?
Ryan, run! Ryan, run!
My God.
Shit.
Bam, where are you going?
I am not doing that.
Fuck that.
Down to two!
I got hit in the back good.
Hey, Knoxville. Oh, shit!
God damn it. Fucking shit. Fuck.
- You all right? - Yeah. Hold on.
What do you mean, "Hold on"? The bull's not going to hold on.
Oh, my fucking leg! God damn, these bulls are strong.
Oh, God.
I'm not out!
Oh, my God.
I'm still not out!
All right, that's it. That's it.
Oh, my God.
Keep God out of California!
Tell Charlie Daniels to write a song about this!
God is out! He can have the other 48.
Or 49, whatever.
God, I landed straight on my head. Oh, man, that hurt.
Dude, I'm fucked.
I'm Steve-O and sorry, Dad,
but nobody's going to miss this for the world.
This is the Butt Chug.
Oh, no.
- I'll hold this while you bulldog it. - Get it in there.
- Ram it in there. - It's really got to get in there.
- Open wide! - Oh, my God.
Take it.
Just relax. Relax. Yeah, do your little...
I'm staring right down Main Street. It's not looking any good at all.
You're starting to enjoy that, aren't you?
- Oh, shit. - There it goes! There it goes!
- Keep it going. - There we go.
Chug, chug it!
- Take it all! - Oh, yeah!
- Take it. - I think your asshole's prehensile.
You got it! You got it!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
You got this! Keep on going!
Come on, you've almost got it!
Two more sips left.
- Oh, my God. - Give me a profile, Steve.
He's peeing like a girl!
Steve-O, if your asshole can't see the camera,
then the camera can't see your asshole.
- The camera's over here! - Right there, right there, right there.
Look at Lance! Lance can't stop laughing.
He's doesn't know how to face the cameras when he's peeing.
Oh, my God.
- I think we broke Lance. - I know.
I think I still have beer in my ass, but I can't get it out.
Use the bottle. Put the bottle up your ass.
- Use the plunger! - Yeah, plunge his asshole.
You'd better shit piss, asswipe!
All right, let's go to the bar.
Perfect.
Fuck.
I'm Ryan Dunn, and this is the Rocket Can't.
Five, four, three, two, one...
Bye-bye.
- I think I broke my tailbone. - Really? On the water?
Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is the Anaconda Ball Pit.
Oh, fuck!
I have on a cup and that still hurts.
Anacondas are expert at camouflage. They're ambush hunters.
- So, what does that mean? - They surprise you.
I don't know if I'm gonna be that surprised.
You guys got to catch these guys, man. They tried to kill J-Lo and Ice Cube.
Yeah, I know. I know.
- Something in your mike? - Don't fucking push me.
I'm on your team.
You got him.
Get the other camera.
Grab him.
Fuck!
Oh, man.
- Dude, he is bleeding a lot. - Yeah.
He's starting to smell you guys.
Dude, you guys are doing excellent.
Real good. You guys got it.
Get him. You got him.
Got him! You guys got him.
Oh, no, Dunrs getting coiled. Oh, shit.
Get your fucking hands off me!
You guys have been doing good.
- Where'd his head go? - He's buried.
- You got him! - Yeah!
- I have seized the snake. - Yeah.
It's fucking wrapped around my arm.
Just take him to Manny. Take him to Manny.
Hey, Manny, come here a minute.
I got him.
Oh, my God, you got nailed.
I didn't do anything. He did all the work.
All right. We seized the snake.
Run, Ryan, run.
Oh, shit. We forgot about the other snake.
This is the Ice Horse.
See if your balls will stick to the horse.
- Come on! - You want me to do it?
For the bros.
It's for the bros. Come on.
- It's not gonna stick. - Yeah, it can stick.
You just need a little water.
Anybody got some water?
- Great. - Thanks!
Don't think about it. Just do it.
You are assholes.
God, your legs are white.
Here. You've got to really get the water on the balls.
Oh, that's horrible-looking!
It's yanking my hair!
Are you done?
- What an ass! - Oh, my God!
It ripped my skin off.
Look at the blister.
Look at him gallop.
Hey! There's poop, hair and more poop!
I'm Wee Man, and this is the Swamp Chute.
Holy shit, dude. You all right?
What? I can't hear, kind of.
"I can't hear, kind of"!
You skipped across the water like a rock.
Dude, you were at least an 80-mile-an-hour fastball.
Oh, my God.
When you step into this suit, magic happens.
Today, we're in Carmen de Arrico
with our friend Serg, and he is going to show us
how to milk a horse.
The way we're gonna do that is,
they're gonna bring over a stallion who's gonna be hot to trot.
And they're gonna have the mare here.
And as soon as the stallion mounts the mare,
we're going to grab the stalliors penis
and put it into this fake horse vagina.
The old switcheroo.
What a mean trick.
- Here we go. - Here comes the stallion.
He's got the craziest look in his eye.
I've seen that same look in your eye, Pontius.
It's game on, guys.
Oh, boy. Here we go. Here we go.
Oh, boy.
Okay. We got the penis into the fake horsy vagina.
I think I feel the tip of it.
Somebody cradle the balls.
He lasts longer than you, Steve-O.
Success!
- Oh, my God. - He just pleasured a horse.
Is it okay to drink?
Yeah.
No problem.
If I do this, this gives me an out for something bad
I'm going to do in the future.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
- All right. It's on video. - Okay.
That is such a huge load.
I don't know, man. I could have pictured...
Can you test that out?
That's semen, all right.
I never puke, ever, and I really almost puked then.
I'm ashamed of myself.
I really am.
I'm completely ashamed of myself.
- Ready? - Yeah, I'm ready. Are you ready?
You're not going to break through, anyway.
Pontius, you think you can do two boards?
Yeah.
What's Bruce Lee do? That power-breathing.
I think I got it.
Oh, my God!
I was so not ready for that!
We're at the Widowmaker
and this is the Big Tire Race.
- I can't get in this thing. - Yes, you can.
I guarantee you're getting in it.
Oh, crap.
- On your mark! - Fuck!
Get set! Go!
- You are fucked. - Oh, shit!
I'm stuck in here!
Dude.
We got you, buddy.
I hate that. I hate it so bad!
Fucking sucky.
- Why do you hate it? - I'm bouncing in my fucking head.
- You got it, Ehren. - Here, Ehren.
- Jesus Christ, you got a fat fucking ass. - You got to help!
Oh, fuck!
We're here in India and we found a leech healer
and these boys need a little healing.
- Doc, can you help us? - Yeah, why not?
That sounds good. Let's put one on Dave's nut.
Well, don't hand it to me.
All right, gentlemen.
That's the biggest leech I ever saw.
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
- Oh, my God. - My God.
No!
He's on. He's on.
Fuck! Shit!
Help.
You got to leave it on for a while.
Fuck this.
You got to leave it on.
You got to let...
Fucking shit.
Please, take it off me.
- Please, will you take it off me? - All right, I'm gonna take it off!
Please.
- Don't worry about a thing. - Take it off.
- Just get it off me. - This is gonna be so funny.
Just get it the fuck off me.
Wait, let's see what you got.
Fuck you!
Fuck!
And now for the grand finale, the leech monocle.
Thanks, Doc.
- Jesus Christ. - Look over here. Look over here.
Okay, this is the mouth.
Here we go.
Get him on there.
Come on, leech.
Oh, he's eyeballing you.
I think we'd...
He's on my eyeball!
No, wait, wait!
Okay, stand up and keep your eye open.
Keep your eye open. Keep your eye open, Steve-O!
Steve-O, keep your eye open! Open!
Open! Open, toward... No!
Look!
Relax. Relax.
Does it look cool?
Yeah. It got you about right there.
I just had a leech chomp my eyeball.
Yes!
Way to go.
Are these all for sale today?
Yeah. $5.
Oh, why, they're beautiful shirts.
They're beautiful colors.
This one's really nice.
- Do you think that... - Oh, shit.
I'd like to buy, maybe, the one...
Hey, your titty out.
- What's that? - He said your shirt is open.
Put this shirt on?
No, your shirt...
Your thing is hanging out of your shirt, ma'am. What are you doing?
Put your shirt back on.
Which one was the one you thought I should get?
Leave me alone!
Bam is absolutely terrified of snakes,
so we brought David Weathers here to surprise him during the next bit.
King cobra.
Jesus...
Oh, my God.
It's cool. It's been de-venomized.
I'm Bam Margera and this is the Wind Tunnel.
Oh, my God. What?
Bam, cock out. Cock out.
No, no, no! No, no!
A fucking cobra, dude?
Yo, yo, yo, I don't like him staring like that.
Oh, dude, you guys are fucking such total dickheads.
- Are you crying? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah!
He's on to you.
I'm done.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Dave, Dave!
Yo, that is coolest shit I've seen in long time.
White boy don't like snakes.
Eh?
What's your strategy up there?
My strategy is staying up on the fucking van because I don't trust anybody.
I should have thought about it more, but I was sipping on beer.
I was like, "Why the fuck is snake dude in Louisiana?"
Then I do my bit and then all of a sudden
a king cobra comes into the fucking thing.
I'm like... Dude, I'm staying up here.
You fuckers are asses. I don't trust anybody.
And you made me waste my beer.
- Fucking hell. - Fuck this.
I'm Steve-O, and this is the Fart Mask.
I took a fucking shit in it!
There's shit in there.
I got a shitty ass. I got to go wipe it out.
That's like, the perfect poop.
I'm Dave England and this is my big, green ball.
I need you to put baby powder
in my butt hole.
You need me to put...
- Put a lot in there. - Yeah, yeah. That's great.
Who was that?
Did it go "poof"?
It did?
Sorry.
Oh, sorry.
Do you have these in size 11?
Let me just see.
These are good.
- Sir! - Leave me alone!
You come on in here.
You go that way. I don't care, dude.
Police!
He's a frisky little bugger!
I am so sorry!
Oh, my God! It reminded me of my ex-wife!
It's the middle of the night.
We're gonna wake up Phil and swap him with Preston,
and Ape's gonna lose her mind.
This is the Switcheroo.
It's all right.
Don't be afraid to get frisky.
I'm gonna kill you in a minute.
Phil, back up.
Back up!
Back up.
Oh, my God. What are you doing?
Are you all right? Jesus Christ. Are you...
Phil?
What are you doing? What are you doing?
- What? - What?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Who is that? Who is that?
Who is that?
That's not your dad. Who is that? Who is that? Where's the light?
- How you doing, ma'am? - What? Who?
I went to get a drink. What's going on?
Oh, my God!
Man, I just felt like I was committing assault.
Phil, he copped a feel.
He got away with it, then.
Have you ever been with another man before?
Did he feel fatter?
You can answer. I won't be mad.
I just assaulted you! You can say whatever you want!
No, you felt shorter.
- No, you can say anything you want. - You felt that part?
That's it. I'm going to bed now.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, shit.
What was that shit? It's fucking in my eyes.
What the fuck was that?
Oh, my...
I fucking don't understand.
What the fuck did you do to me?
What the fuck was that?
That fucked me up, man.
Let's go inside, man.
- Are you okay? - Oh, fuck, dude.
Let's get inside. We got a medic inside.
It's moments like these when you know Johnny Knoxville is one gnarly dude.
I'm so glad I'm not the star of this movie.
Knoxville's gonna see what the moors gonna look like.
He is gonna go definitely 60 feet up in the air.
He's gonna get annihilated. But I don't wanna tell him that.
You're gonna be just fine!
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is my Big Red Rocket.
Five, four, three, two, one...
Go.
What the fuck was that?
Holy shit!
Oh, my God, he almost died and he's dancing.
Usually, rockets fail backwards and forwards, I was told,
but there was a rocket that came out the side.
If it had been, like, right here,
that would have been a picture wrap on old Knoxville.
And now we're trying it again. It's rocket launch, take two.
I'm scared just watching.
- I want a Lance helmet. - I have full, like, adrenaline.
Even if the rocket doesn't blow up on me this time,
there's really not a lot of great ways for it to end, anyway.
- This isn't the best idea ever. - Yes, it is.
I'm Johnny Knoxville, and I'm going to the moon!
Five, four, three, two, one...
Later!
Are you okay?
Give us a thumbs-up!
So what's going on, Preston? What are we doing today?
We're playing a prank on Danger Ehren.
I think that we're gonna decorate him up like a terrorist,
with full makeup and wardrobe,
and him and Dimitry are gonna call a cab,
the idea being to play a prank on the taxi driver,
that they wanna go to the airport,
I guess to commit some sort of terrorist act.
- So, Ehren, where are you going? - Yeah, where are you going?
I'm going to Burbank Airport.
And, meanwhile, we've substituted the taxi driver with Jay Chandrasekhar...
And he is going to punch Ehren in the face and possibly pull a gun on him.
If he tries to say we're filming,
just go, "Don't talk to me anymore!"
And slap him like this. You can slap him a lot, too.
I don't know how he'll handle this. It's pretty high-pressure.
And I don't think he does well under pressure.
All right, so here I am
trying to contribute to Ehren McGhehey's new beard.
And I hope he knows that I skipped showering for about a week and a half
just to make this a little bit more gross.
Sorry, Ehren.
Look at the mane on him!
Someone's got to pick that out of their teeth.
I'd be so bummed if I was Ehren right now.
You, like, put powder in there?
Yeah, I put a little Gold Bond on this morning.
Tickles!
One of the most toxic concoctions known to man.
It's a disease nest.
Mine, you don't need a lot of.
It's like just a little bit of rattlesnake venom will get you.
Is that the whole patch?
Wait, I'm just wondering. Mike, is that a crab?
- What's that white speck on top? - What is that?
That's a crab.
Mike's got crabs.
Hey, guys! Guys! Mike's got crabs!
What's that?
This? Spirit gum. It's like, the adhesive
that's gonna keep the beard on.
How's the dialog? I mean, I've never, like, done this before.
- It's a game, you know. - Compliment him, followed by an insult.
- This is fucked, dude. - Just don't break the character.
All right, Ehren, the main thing,
you cannot tell him you're from any country in particular.
This is such a good bit. It's muffed up, but it's great.
Close your mouth. Relax.
We're making you look like
what we think this guy expects a terrorist to look like.
You're not making fun of anybody. We're just trying to scare the cab driver.
I kind of already know that.
Father. Hello, Father.
You shut up. I told you to come here earlier.
- I'm sorry, Father. - You are late. You cannot be accepted.
I have disgraced you.
Where have you been, you little bastard?
- I have been making a number two. - Oh.
Ehren, you are king.
Thank you very much.
What are you laughing at? You people, you.
Bam Margera and shit.
Look how sweet the beard is, Jeff.
Hello.
- Hello. Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too.
I look creepy, man. I wish that I was born this way.
You sound like schtick now. Don't turn it into a comedy routine.
No, very good. I know what to do now.
No, I think there's gonna be some...
So, we have two cameras following...
Excuse me.
Hello?
I'd like to say, for not ever having done makeup before your disguise,
I feel pretty... Like I've achieved something.
I feel like I'm eating pubes right now.
I got this shit all in my mouth.
- Is it on the corner? - Yes, it's like I'm chewing on this shit.
- Is this real hair? - No. Go like this.
I'm going to get it out of your mouth.
Okay. Does that feel better?
Well, I still got it on the back of my tongue.
There. Out?
Yeah, very good.
- Very expert. - Thank you.
Hello, my name is Ehren McGhehey and this is Terror Taxi.
Now I shall call to taxi.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the best skit of this movie.
The cab's here. We're on. We're on. Let's do it.
- He has no clue. - I don't want the makeup to bleed.
- We get to listen the whole time? - I'm so glad I hopped in this van.
Oh, my God.
He's feeling the part so hard and he has no clue.
It's all downill from here.
To the Burbank Airport, please.
Okay.
- Where are you guys from? - It's none of your business, I'm sorry.
You got any luggage or...
No, no luggage where we going.
I do not like this country very much, though.
I like the countryside, though. The countryside is good.
And the breasts.
Yeah, I'm married.
What size is your wife's breasts?
Yeah, well, let's just leave my wife out of it, okay?
Very good, very good.
Are they bigger than a D?
I love Ds.
Do you want me to fucking pull over? I mean, is that the fuck...
No. I'm very sorry. I will not talk.
There's an airplane, there!
We are very, very close.
Boom! We are very, very close.
What does that mean, "Boom"?
Boom! Like, "Boom! Kaboom!" And all that.
There is the airport back there. Which way are you going?
Where you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?
Where are you going, man? Where are you going?
Do not go down the alleyway. Very scary. Stop it! Fuck you!
Fuck you! Fuck you! You are a crazy man. Fuck you up!
Fuck you! Asshole!
Shit fucker! Shit fucker! Asshole!
Fucking money, I give you money, lots of money!
Boom! Boom! Boom! I'll blow us up right now!
Right now! Right now I'll blow you up!
What the fuck is up, man?
What the fuck is going on? He's got a fucking gun, man.
I got a bomb, dude!
Fuck you! I got a fucking bomb, dude!
Dude, get the fuck off of me!
Get the fuck off me! Get the fuck off of me!
We're just filming a skit!
Get the fuck off of me!
- What do you want me to do? - Get on the floor.
- What do you want me to do? - Get on the fucking floor.
Just get on the floor, dude.
Lay down.
This is fucked.
Lay down on your face.
What the fuck, dude? I mean, come on!
I fucking knew it, dude. He fucking carries a gun. This is bullshit.
Just do what he says. Just do what the fuck he says, dude.
Stay there. I'm gonna fucking call the cops.
This guy's got a fucking gun, dumbshits!
Come on! Get the fuck out here!
Don't fucking move!
Don't point the gun at me anymore, you piece of shit!
Then lay down!
- Fuck! - Just fucking relax, dude.
Fuck, it's a gun, dude.
Fuck!
- What the fuck do you want from us? - Get up!
Get up, Ehren. Get the fuck up.
Why? Why should I get up? You have me on the fucking ground.
Ehren, he has a fucking gun.
Just get the fuck up, dude. We gotta get the fuck out of here.
- Get in there. - No, fuck you.
- Just do what he says, dude. - Get the fuck in the trunk.
He's got a fucking gun pointed at me, fuckface, asshole, cocksucker!
- Get in the fucking trunk! - Dude, get in the trunk.
If you fuck me up, I will fucking find you, somehow, or something.
- Just get in. - Seriously.
Why am I getting in the fucking back of this fucking cab, dude?
- He's got a fucking gun! - Get the fuck back here!
Dude, just fucking put the gun down!
You shut the fuck up!
- Oh fuck, dude! - Holy shit!
- What the fuck, dude? - Get the fuck on the ground!
I'm fucking serious!
I'm bleeding.
No, no! Dude, we're filming.
- Fuck you! Get the fuck out of here! - No, we're fucking filming!
That's Bam Margera, dumbshit! He's famous!
Look, there's cameras, there's a sound guy.
We're filming a fucking movie, dude.
This guy's got a dynamite vest on!
Hey, put the gun down, dude!
What the fuck?
He shot me!
Preston, you fucking idiot! Get me the fuck out of here!
- Fuck this! - Please, sir! Please, sir!
- Fuck! Fuck! - Sir, please!
- Please! Stop! - Sir, please!
What the fuck?
Dude, get me out of here!
Oh, shit!
Oh, God, no!
Oh, fuck. I'm going to fucking die.
Why the fuck did I agree to do this shit? Dude, it wasrt even my fucking idea.
Fucking fuck.
Oh, my God, dude.
I can't believe that shit, dude.
What the fuck, are you an actor or some bullshit?
- Come on. - Fucking crap, dude!
I almost shit my pants. I'm not even kidding.
Dude, that was so awesome.
Oh, God, dude, I'm so happy right now. Seriously.
Oh, my God. I was so worried.
Fuck.
I get it. It's a prank on a prank, yeah.
He fucking pulled out a gun on me, dude.
Look where your beard came from.
Look, look! I'll show you!
Look at my patch!
Look! That's all our pubes.
You should try and get that off.
Oh, my God, dude, that sucks.
Every time it gets fucking worse and worse.
You guys didn't fucking superglue that, did you?
No!
That sucks! I told you not to do that!
Ehren, come on! Why are you getting mad at me?
I got your dick hair all over my fucking face!
This sucks, dude! Give me something to get this shit off.
This shit was in my mouth!
How are you going to explain crabs on your face?
This shit was all over my fucking mouth!
It wasrt from my dick. Some of it was from my ass.
Oh, God, this is so bad.
Look at this. This is from Derek.
"Okay, who brought crabs to the party? Fuck me."
One of the guys had crabs!
Seriously, like, was the dick hair necessary?
Absolutely.
Like, was that the big payoff?
Like, "Ha, ha, dick hairs glued on his face"?
- Is it itching? - It's in my mouth.
Why'd you put it in your mouth?
I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is the Bear Trap.
The best of times is now
What's left of summer but a faded rose?
The best of times is now
As for tomorrow, well who knows, who knows, who knows
Get it off!
Get it off! Get it off!
The best of times is now
What's left of summer but a faded rose?
The best of times is now
As for tomorrow, well who knows, who knows, who knows
So hold this moment fast
And live and love as hard as you know how
And make this moment last
Because the best of times is now
Is now, is now
Fuck!
Now
Not some forgotten yesterday
Now, tomorrow is too far away
So hold this moment fast
And live and love as hard as you know how
And make this moment last
Because the best of times is now is now, is now
So hold this moment fast
And live and love as hard as you know how
And make this moment last
Because the best of times is now is now, is now
Is now
I'll Jackass Two your ass. Do me a favor.
And you wonder why I drink? I drink to steady my nerves.
I was so steady, I couldn't move last week!
I had vodka and prune juice. It's called a piledriver.
I'll be okay.
Please, God, don't let there be a Jackass Three.
Please, please, God, don't let there be a Jackass Three.
I don't even like doing Two.
Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.
Welcome to India!
Can I get off his dick...
Way to go.
I don't like this at all!
Sorry, bro. I didn't see you there.
I was headed over to Produce.
You knocked out my tooth again!
Look at Rick!
He fucking swallowed it?
Horse cum!
I'm not getting paid to be on camera, you fucking dick.
That was great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, what have you got?
Marker.
Don't drop your shit.
Just act like it hurts, okay?
Wow. I actually feel energized after that.
Oh my God, look! Point it at the cameraman!
Into the sink!
In the sink!
- In the sink! - In the sink!
- Are you lubed up? - Yeah!
Hey, they're ready to go. Do you want to shoot it?
You all right, buddy?
I'm all right, man.
Water-based lubricants. Friend or foe?
You be the judge.
Okay, I can't breathe.
Can you take it off, please?
- Oh, is this your fruit? - No.
Oh, these are beautiful! They're so round and lush.
- How much is the oranges? - $6.
Okay.
I accidentally cut myself. I need a doctor, dude.
Doctor!
- We're supposed to catch these? - Yeah!
You are fucking kidding!
Oh, my God!
Don't do that.
The snake is attracted to the heat.
Yeah, we got to get the mousey warm for the snake.
But not too warm!
- Look at his face. - He has a big raspberry.
A couple of them.
Shit!
What the fuck happened?
- Medic! - Medic!
Someone said cut.
What's up, Bam?
I hate the fact that I had to fucking
hang out with alligators and fucking cobras.
I have dicks branded on my ass...
Everything fucking sucks.
Like, everybody's just f-ing with me today.
And my Misfits sock.
It's not even funny anymore.
I want to go home.