This programme contains strong language and adult humour from the outset.
CHEERING
Hello and welcome to the Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2015.
The Big Fat Quiz captures the true meaning of Christmas,
by forcing six people to sit together playing a game
and pretending to like each other.
LAUGHTER
If you haven't seen The Big Fat Quiz before,
let me put it into the Star Wars universe for you,
essentially an alliance of panellists
are pitted against an evil Sith Lord, that's me,
and at some point,
someone accidentally gets off with their sister.
This is the quiz that looks back at the biggest stories of the last year,
realises they are a bit terroristy
and picks some nicer ones to quiz about.
Not talking about any of that, let's move on.
Well, let's meet the teams.
First up - two of the youngest, coolest,
hippest comedians in the country couldn't make it this evening,
so instead we have got Rob Brydon and Jo Brand.
APPLAUSE
He is the swat of the class who's finally realised his dream
of hanging out with the teacher, it's Richard Ayoade and Greg Davies.
CHEERING
And finally, she is beautiful, charming and a joy to be around,
and he's...
around.
It is Claudia Winkleman and David Mitchell.
CHEERING
So, Rob Brydon, you performed this year with Sir Tom Jones.
They say never meet your heroes, how did Tom cope?
He took it in his stride, Jimmy, he is a professional.
He was a little bit nervous, but, you know...
that's not unusual.
Rob Brydon, everyone.
Jo, who has your year been?
Shit.
LAUGHTER
OK.
I have been on tour, I've got a divorce, I've killed a tortoise.
You know, lots of things.
One of those isn't true, I didn't get a divorce.
You killed a tortoise?
Well, not personally.
Do you mean a tortoise died during the year and you blame yourself?
LAUGHTER
When I was teaching, there was a kid in my class
who was inconsolable one day, cos his pet tortoise had died
and he couldn't stop crying. He had to be sent home in the end.
The next day he came in, and he was absolutely fine.
And I went, "Are you all right, today?"
He goes, "Yeah, yeah, I'm all right today."
I went, "Oh, good, I'm glad to hear that. Did you bury him?"
He goes, "No, no, no,
"my dad hollowed him out, we use him as an ashtray."
LAUGHTER
Stripped him out with a spoon.
So, Greg, you used to be a teacher.
- So surely you're going to win the quiz, aren't you? - Oh, gosh, no.
I was a drama teacher, anyway. How hard is that?
Make up a play, see you in an hour.
Richard, you have been travelling the world,
for Travel Man.
Oh, right, yeah, prior to that I have been Peckham-based.
- So, Peckham and then the world? - Yeah.
A lot of places that are a short-haul.
- One with Greg - to Moscow. - You two went to Moscow? - Yes.
Have the other teams gone away together? Have you?
- I went away with Richard as well. - Yeah.
- What? - I am starting a cult.
You will receive a call, in the night...
and you come away with the.
And you come back with new ideas.
So, Claudia, you are used
to the glamour and glitz of Strictly, obviously.
Talk me through David's outfit this evening.
It is perfect, it would be very good for a tango.
If we were filming it in black and white, I'd agree.
- What's wrong with it? - He looks perfect.
Just saying it is not as glitzy.
I'm used to seeing Claudia surrounded by people in, you know, sparkles.
Tiny little things. Fluorescent. Feathers.
It would be totally inappropriate if I turned up...
If I'd turned up, as you suggest you wanted,
in feathers and a little fluorescent bikini,
you would have taken the piss, even more than you have
out of my grey shirt. So, I can't win.
LAUGHTER
Shall we get on the quiz?
Let's remind ourselves of this year's headlines.
2015 was the hottest year on record.
People were warned to avoid any physical exertion.
Which explains the performances of the England rugby team,
Chelsea FC, and my girlfriend.
Ukip leader Nigel Farage failed to win a parliamentary seat.
Farage is often described as a man of the people.
And those people are bigoted arseholes.
Oscar Pistorius was found guilty of murder,
a few weeks after being released from prison and put under house arrest.
He is in a house, that is where he is most dangerous.
OK, it wouldn't be a quiz without questions, eyes down.
For our first question it is over to the legend that is Quentin Tarantino.
Hi, Jimmy, this year the British press became obsessed
with something that could have come straight out of one of my movies,
and the names Mr Ginger, Mr Strong, the tall man, the old man,
the gent, and Mr Montana, were everywhere.
But can your teams tell me what they had done?
- Oh! Very well done. - Thank you.
Claudia, can we play poker at some stage? Because...
- it feels like you're not holding anything back there. - I was excited.
Next question.
This year, Dr Walter Palmer from Minnesota,
did something that led him to become the most hated man in the world.
What did he do?
Oh, of course! You are a genius.
Right! Write it down.
He knows everything, I know nothing.
I know, I'm just saying I'm not receiving the same level of support at this table.
That's because I've answered both of the questions so far.
Greg, I am not flourishing in this relationship.
I am not flourishing, I don't feel valued.
You want me to answer questions and then praise you.
Yes, please.
- OK. - That is how my marriage works.
Yes, I would like that.
- Well done for answering those two questions. - Thank you. - Internally.
- Thank you. - Our next question.
The children of Mitchell Brook Primary School
have once again put on one of their spectacular school plays.
But what news story are they acting out?
- And action. - This car is really fast. - This car is really slow.
- I like cars! - That's a wrap.
I'm hungry, get me some food.
- Could I have some hot food, please? - Sorry, but we are closed.
Uh-oh!
There is no hot food.
HE SHRIEKS
You have been very naughty!
- No more cars for you. - Oh, no. - Yes!
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
I love those kids. I love those kids. That's why I am here.
To watch them.
It is a properly good school play.
That is what the decent drama teacher does, Greg.
- CHEERING Are they there? - Are they here?
Are you the drama teachers from Mitchell Brook?
- You are not the drama teachers? Proper teachers? - Yes.
What do you teach?
Primary? That's not teaching, it's colouring-in, mate.
LAUGHTER
I want to know what news story they were acting out there? I mean...
- This is major. You can't fit it all in. - I can't.
Sorry, David and Claudia are also voicing an adult film.
- While they are doing the quiz. - "My fax machine is broken!"
I haven't seen any of that.
- There we go. - Well done.
I have answered at tedious length.
Tedious Length is my porn name.
In September, there was a very small story,
I am not sure if you heard about it, but the Prime Minister, allegedly,
put his gentleman junk into the mouth of a dead pig.
My question is this -
why on Earth did he allegedly do it?
I am not as familiar with these practices as some in
the London set, but, um...
You always get left out of the pig-fucking parties, don't you?
- I suppose sheep is more your thing, is it? - Yeah.
What?
Don't start making sheep references...
I'm just saying, when I asked you how many sexual partners you'd had
you started to count and you fell asleep.
That is all I'm saying.
You've done this before, you started making baa-ing noises.
Don't do that.
Don't do that. It's very hard for me to concentrate with an erection.
OK.
Take a look at this clip of Ed Miliband's resignation speech
after this year's General Election.
Thank you for the selfies.
Thank you for the support.
- And thank you for the most unlikely cult of the 21st century. - Yes.
That is cult, C-U-L-T.
What I want to know is,
what was the most unlikely cult of the 21st century?
Most unlikely cult. Have you all got something?
- We have knocked this out of the park. - Have you?
Are you ready for answers? OK, let's go to the answers, OK.
So Quentin Tarantino asked you what Mr Ginger, Mr Strong,
the tall man, the old man, the gent and Mr Montana had done.
What did you all think?
The answer is the Hatton Garden heist.
Men of advanced years, managed to break in through thick,
thick, thick wall and they got stole a lot of stuff from
safety deposit boxes and it had all the hallmarks of a Hollywood film.
I don't think it had quite all the hallmarks, did it?
Cos they used their bus passes to get there on the bus.
How old was the getaway driver?
Because normally the getaway driver...
You imagine someone skidding off at high speed.
I think there were skid marks...
You all got this right. They were all suspects in the Hatton Garden heist.
OK, next up I asked you how
Dr Water Palmer became the most heated man in the world,
what did you put?
Well, he shot a lion called Cecil.
And the guy said in his defence, he said,
"Oh, do you know what?
"I didn't know he was a beloved lion."
So you are going to shoot them based on their personality
and how popular they are amongst their peer group.
Awful, and he was a dentist.
It just gets worse.
Are your existing teeth behind those, or do they take them out?
I have no idea, all I know is I have to dip these when I drive at night.
What do you dip them in?
- Like jam? - Yeah, why not?
Cecil was already depressed before he was shot by dentist,
because he was called Cecil.
He found that out with his last breath, "I'm called what?"
He thought he was called Barabbas King of the Plain.
Claudia and David, did you get this?
We read it out as well, do we?
He shot a lion called Cecil.
Full stop.
I put a full stop in.
It's important.
It wasn't required with the Hatton Garden heist,
cos that is not a sentence.
"But he shot", that is a sentence, it has got a verb.
OK, points all round.
Marvellous.
APPLAUSE
Next up, the children of Mitchell Brook Primary School
acting out a news story, what did you think it was?
I have written a short essay.
The events surrounding the non-renewal
of Jeremy Clarkson's contract.
But he doesn't really touch on what those events were,
which to my mind, calls into question
the validity of the answer as an answer.
He is very much sketching around the issue.
If you think that's not a complete answer,
wait until you hear Richard and Greg's.
What have you gone with?
Clarkson, and really just a kind of an oblong, I guess.
I am all for this anarchic sense of fun,
I love that the audience are laughing at it,
but please don't go giving points for this kind of nonsense, OK?
Take a look at this, "Clarkson Punch."
Says it all, beautifully written.
No, no.
The punch was evident in the dramatisation.
A lot of people think he was sacked for it, he wasn't.
- They just didn't renew his contract. - Yes, I am aware of that.
But I was looking for brevity and levity in my answer.
Well, at the risk of upsetting you, Rob, Joe, points all round.
Points all round.
Right, next I asked you why on Earth David Cameron allegedly
put his penis in a pig's mouth.
- What did you think? - The answer is peer pressure.
It's worrying in a Prime Minister.
It shouldn't have been a story, really.
It is about owning your own gossip, I think.
I, for example,
very early on in my career went on record to say that I,
as a pubescent man, I enjoyed relations
with a large blue teddy bear at my house.
I put that on record, and therefore it is not a story any more.
I mean, it didn't even look like a bear, it was so badly made.
I didn't really know what I was having sex with, if I'm honest.
He should have said in the beginning of his career.
When was first elected
as leader of the Conservative Party, in his opening speech.
"Thanks very much, everyone. Just one thing you need to know about me.
"You'll never guess what I once did."
I think it would be better if it was a thing he did regularly,
rather than at a one-off, peer-pressure event.
If he just went, "This is my jam.
"I like doing this, it relaxes me..."
"It makes me a better Prime Minister."
"And I'm going to keep doing this.
"I am going to keep doing this into a third term."
OK, Claudia, David, what did you put?
We put an initiation ritual at Oxford, for a posh dining society.
- Well, that is the right answer, you had the name of the society...? - Yeah.
Allegedly, an initiation ceremony for an Oxford dining society,
the Piers Gaveston.
OK, final answer in this round.
I asked you what Ed Miliband described as the most unlikely cult
- of the 21st century. What did you all think? - These are Milifans.
He said there was a new type of follower.
Wanted to meet him have their photo...
They were in love with him, they suddenly fancied him.
- It was a sexy thing. - Yeah.
- It is a sexy thing. - Really? - Wanted to rub themselves against him.
- So, you got this? - Yes, we put Milifandom.
We put Milifandom, as well.
I've got some footage of the Milifans.
Take a look at the attention he was getting...
CHEERING
THEY CHANT: SELFIE!
That's me and Tess.
OK, points all round.
You're marking us down for peer pressure as the answer.
- Well, marking you down, you mean, not giving you the... - Why?
Why, because it makes it easier, the ticks and the crosses.
I'm with them, that is the right answer.
Thank you, thank you.
In fact, theirs is the most intelligent we've had all night.
Because they have got to the nub of the matter.
It was peer pressure.
You make a very interesting point,
but you're not actually in charge, so...
Isn't it fascinating that Richard and Greg, two of the finest minds
in this studio, certainly, perhaps not beyond, but in this studio,
have taken the level of this show somewhere else,
they have not been content to settle for glibness,
they have not gone for laughs, that's been very clear.
They are going for something deeper.
- I say, you refuse that point at your peril. - I agree.
Happy to take you all on.
- Are you going to give us the point? - No. - Why?
Because it is just about humanity.
It is about the integrity of the entire quiz, Jimmy.
Britain is a democracy.
There are six people here all saying to you, give them the point.
Let's just say, in a future question,
- we will both deliberately answer wrong. - Yes.
- You can answer correctly and... - Yes, we will. We will do that.
I'm sorry, there's not a Malaysian betting syndicate
involved in this, is there?
And neither is it a totalitarian state presided over by you.
- You've lost our trust. - This quiz absolutely is that.
No, not any more. Not any more.
Democracy.
CHEERING
We're doing a quiz and there is going to be a winner
and there's going to be a loser and we will rig it if we need to.
It's not a democracy, and no-one is here to have fun,
this is Christmas, it's a quiz.
What what do you win? Just to be clear.
Pig's head.
OK, so at the end of that round the scores are...
Plenty more quiz to come, see you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz Of The Year.
The next round is all about the music of 2015.
Naked images of Justin Bieber hit the internet.
Not the first time I've seen a photo of Justin Bieber and thought,
"What a dick."
LAUGHTER
On Adele's first single for three years, she sings,
"I must have called a thousand times."
I assume the next line is, "Have you been mis-sold PPI?"
LAUGHTER
To celebrate his three sell-out Wembley shows,
Ed Sheeran had a huge lion tattooed on his chest.
It seemed like a good idea at the time,
until he was gunned down by a dentist.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Right, time for some more questions. It's the music round, David.
- I'm worried about that. - It being the music round? - Yeah.
You're with David Mitchell, you haven't got a problem.
LAUGHTER
OK, for our first question I want you to take a look at this clip
of some people who are a bit down in the dumps. My question is simple.
Why are they so upset? Take a look.
I can't handle this.
I need to stop crying.
SHE SOBS
It's not funny.
I want to press the button so hard and rewind
back, like, three years ago.
DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHING
..piece of shit.
LAUGHTER
Why were they filming that?
Because they were very sad.
No, it's because they're towering narcissists.
LAUGHTER
Everybody films everything now.
If it's not filmed, it's not happening. I don't like it.
Can I just say,
I'm slightly perturbed by seeing my husband at the end of it.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
- I had no idea. - OK. So have you got something there? All right.
For our next question it's over to the one and only Jon Snow.
He's reporting on one of the biggest songs of the year. But what is it?
Over to you, Jon.
In an unprecedented legal case,
a 29-year-old Canadian man has sued his ex-partner
for emotional distress,
after she ceased contacting him on his cellphone.
The man told the court that she had previously placed regular
nightly calls to him, calls that could only mean one thing.
But since he'd left the city, all communication had been terminated.
The prosecution alleged that the lack of calls had left the man,
"Down," and, "Stressed out."
And all he does these days is wonder if his former girlfriend is
"Bendin' over backwards" or, indeed,
"Rolling up a Backwoods for someone else."
Taking the stand, the plaintiff summed up his case, explaining,
"You used to call me on my...
"You used to. You used to. Yeah."
Back to you, Jimmy.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- I've no idea. - No, I've no idea either. - It's a song.
Why don't we get this answer...
- Yes, yeah. - ..incorrect?
We don't know this, so let's both deliberately get it wrong,
and then take the power away from the man, and get everything back.
- Give them the point. - OK, thanks. Great.
That assumes we know the answer to this.
- LAUGHTER - Do you not know the answer?
- It's borderline. - LAUGHTER
I think there's going to be quibble over this.
- Quibble? - Quibble. - There'll be no quibble.
I mean, if you got it right, you got it right.
Well, that's happened before.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
All right.
So next up, Kanye West headlined the Pyramid Stage at Glastonbury
with a rather divisive performance.
What I want to know is what did he describe himself as during his set?
So he described himself on stage.
Hmm.
Biggest rock star in the world?
For our next question it's over to X Factor Judge Rita Ora.
- Rita Ora, David. - Wow!
LAUGHTER
Hiya, Jimmy. How are you? Now, life as a pop star can be tough,
and my mate, Enrique Iglesias, ended up in hospital recently
by having a bizarre accident on stage.
But what happened?
He had an acc... I know this!
That is very much how this works.
- And finally, in March, Jay-Z and a host of celebrity pals... - Oh, yes.
LAUGHTER
Jay-Z, yes.
I always assume his celebrity pals, Jay-Z's pals, the other letters.
F and X.
LAUGHTER
I'd say J-Zed, myself, but, you know.
Not to his face.
LAUGHTER
- Do you spend a lot of time with him? - No.
I don't know, actually, because I don't know who he is.
LAUGHTER
That's ironic.
When I saw David in make-up earlier, I said, "How are you?"
and he said, "I'm photo shoot fresh, looking like wealth.
"I'm about to call the paparazzi on myself"
Which is a Jay-Z lyric.
LAUGHTER
I did say that.
APPLAUSE
Finally, in March, Jay-Z and a host of celebrity pals launched
a music streaming service this year that promised to be,
"A moment that will forever change the course of music history."
Can you remember what it was called?
Well, I've got... Oh, you do. Good.
When Richard and I were in Russia together,
Richard did an incredible impression of
Roland Orzabal from Tears For Fears.
Yeah.
He genuinely did.
I suspect the chance of him replicating it now are minimal,
but I just thought I'd say I saw it. It was incredible.
All right. Richard, please.
I'll pick a moment later on,
and if it's as good as Greg says,
we'll all know what's happened.
LAUGHTER
See though how I resisted peer pressure.
APPLAUSE
Let's have some answers.
First of all, I showed you be a collection of grief-stricken fans.
What did you think they were upset about?
They were very upset about the One Direction news.
- They were upset about changes to the status quo of One Direction. - No.
- Yeah, but... Come on. - You've got to plump for one or the other.
I don't think you do. This is the...
Now, you see, we're back into it, aren't we?
You cannot say that this is not true.
They are upset about changes to the status quo of One Direction.
Point, please.
LAUGHTER
No. We're putting ourselves on the line and saying
they're specifically upset that Zayn Malik left the band.
- As was I. - I've deliberately got the next question wrong to help you out!
LAUGHTER
- I can't believe this! - I've bitten the hand that feeds me, haven't I?
- LAUGHTER - Yes!
All right, well, I'll say it now -
it was Zayn. It's because Zayn was leaving.
- David? - Yes, it's because Zayn is leaving One Direction.
Who was Zayn?
Zayn Malik.
And what instrument did Zayn play?
The harpsichord.
LAUGHTER
We've covered One Direction now, OK.
- Points all round, there. - Points all round.
APPLAUSE
Next up, you heard Jon Snow reporting on one of the biggest
songs of the year. What did you think it was?
Over to David Mitchell for the answer.
We deliberately didn't give the answer in order to make
the previous round retrospectively fair on Richard and Greg.
- I heart Jon Snow. What did you go for? - Went for Adele.
We knew it was wrong, we didn't care.
What you going to do about it, Jimmy? Make me write it again?
I don't think so.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
There's a new boss on this show.
Too late for a comeback, let's move on.
LAUGHTER
Deal. OK, Richard, Greg, what did you put?
The Drake song where he dances in various unfurnished white rooms.
LAUGHTER
- That is the right answer. - Oh, good! - They got a point.
- APPLAUSE - We're back!
Isn't this a lovely metaphor for a dystopian society
that's got its act together? As a society, we said,
- "Hang on a minute. This isn't right." - Yeah.
Did we complain about it? Well, we did. But then...
But then, we put you, the Government in this instance,
out of the equation. We said, "Let's fix it between us."
Rob, you didn't know the song.
Wouldn't it be lovely if Britain...
Sorry, you were going to write down Drake Hotline Bling, were you?
You were about to write that down?
I was going to write Direct Line 24-hour insurance,
- is what I was going to write. - LAUGHTER
Let's take a look at Jon Snow.
# I know when that hotline bling
LAUGHTER
# That can only mean one thing
# I know when that hotline bling
# That can only mean one thing
♪ Ever since I left the city, you, you, you... ♪
LAUGHTER
♪ You and me we just don't get along... ♪
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It is, of course, Drake's Hotline Bling.
I asked you what title Kanye West gave himself
while on stage at Glastonbury this year.
I can tell you the title I gave him.
LAUGHTER
No, I won't. Cos I'm not allowed to say it on the telly.
He said he was the biggest rock and roll star in the world.
What did you put for this one, David and Claudia?
Greatest pop star in the world.
We also know that the BBC had to put up subtitles
for the very rude words, and there was a lot of "motherducker,"
which we liked.
What did you go for, Richard and Greg?
Well, to get the point,
we said he was the biggest rock star in the world.
But Richard also suggested that he was vulnerable,
- vibrant, at times... - HE LAUGHS
Vulnerable, vibrant, and at times hostile when stressed.
LAUGHTER
I think everyone got that right, pretty much.
Let's take a look at his staggering claim at Glastonbury.
Here he is performing under a massive lighting rig.
I'mma say it tonight.
You are now watching
the greatest living rock star on the planet!
LAUGHTER
If you really make it big in music,
I imagine you can get someone to do your own intro for you.
You know, get someone offstage to go,
"Now the greatest rock star in the world."
But he's obviously a bit short of money, so he's going,
"Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest rock star in the world -
- "hello, it's me!" - Guess who?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So our next answer -
Rita Ora asked you how Enrique Iglesias
ended up in hospital. What did you think?
Well, we knew this.
There was a drone,
one of these drone cameras.
He reached up, and of course
the blade sliced
quite literally through the skin of his hands,
and it was bedlam.
He reached down to his white T-shirt,
cos he looks great in white T-shirts, rubbed his hand with it,
"Oh, hell,"
and he ran off into the wings.
And that is a point.
- That was a white T-shirt. - That was white before the accident, yes.
LAUGHTER
We said he played with a drone and his finger...
Chopped.
Chopped! Well, not chopped off. That's when we slightly exaggerated,
cos I think it was just slightly ow-y.
A bit ow-y is actually the technical medical term.
He rendered his hand ow-y.
What did you guys think?
We thought he grabbed a drone as well. In this day and age,
how lovely to see a drone hitting entirely the correct target.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes, that is exactly what happened.
He reached up to grab a drone with a camera on it, and hurt his hand.
- And then he drew a heart with the blood on his T-shirt. - Really?
- Yeah, there he is. Like a maniac. - Oh, my word.
That looks like Sylvester Stallone there. Look at him.
LAUGHTER
Well, you got that. Points all round.
APPLAUSE
Finally, I asked you what Jay-Z's music streaming service
that was going to revolutionise music was called. What did you think?
Tidal. They wanted to make one which wasn't free,
because they don't have collectively enough money.
LAUGHTER
Richard, Greg, what did you think?
We thought it was called Tidal.
- And Rob, Jo? - Tidal Tunes.
LAUGHTER
Tidal Tunes?
If you don't give us a point
just because we tried to add to the entertainment of the evening,
then more fool you, Jimmy.
- More fool you. - Points all round. Tidal it is.
APPLAUSE
OK, let's see what that's done to the scores.
Rob and Jo have nine, Richard and Greg have nine,
Claudia and David have nine. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Time to take a break. See you in a bit.
CHEERING
Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz Of The Year,
The next round is all about the last 12 months in television.
Jeremy Clarkson was sacked by the BBC...
DAVID: No, they didn't renew his contract.
LAUGHTER
Jeremy Clarkson failed to have his contract renewed by the BBC.
Thank you.
His new show is gonna be on Amazon Prime.
The only problem is, if you're not in when it comes on,
you have to watch it at the post office
or round the neighbour's house.
Katie Hopkins had a new TV show called
If Katie Hopkins Ruled The World,
but the only way I want to see Katie Hopkins on TV
is if she is part of a People We Lost This Year montage.
Well, let's remind ourselves of some this year's TV highlights.
Now, we're about to see a first jump from Joey Essex
MUSIC: Come And Get It by John Newman
Fire!
You think you are the king and I am the blacksmith's boy!
Please don't punch me, I wish you both well.
Am I tough enough? Tough enough?
Hell, yes, I'm tough enough.
Exterminate.
You certainly are a madman!
That's ingenious.
I'm gonna glove-up.
HE BREAKS WIND
Try and aim away from the dead man's face.
HE DEFECATES
AUDIENCE GROANS
A nice bit of product placement for Next there.
First up, you saw Nigella Lawson
and her new series, Simply Nigella.
But what did she cook, and I use that term very loosely,
in the first episode, that left viewers rather underwhelmed?
- I love that woman. - You love that woman?
- She's my favourite. - She's incredible.
- Next question, you all ready? - Yes.
It is over to one of our finest British exports, Simon Pegg.
Hello, Jimmy.
As you know I am big fan of horror movies,
but what memorable television moment was described this year as
"an unseemly spectacle", "a scene from The Exorcist",
or "like a posh version of Alien"?
- Simon Pegg, there. - Do you? - I do know.
How do you know that?
Of course David knows that, he was born to know that.
I am definitely getting a point for this?
- We're getting 19 points. - So exciting. - Deal with it.
Right, next question.
This year, Britain's Got Talent sparked outrage
when it was it was revealed winning dog Matisse
had a stunt double for his most impressive trick.
What I want to know is,
- what was the excuse given for the using a doggy double? - Double dog.
- A double dog. - Which was Richard's rap name in the '90s. - Yeah. It was.
And still is today.
- Do Roland Orzabal. - It's...
- The time's not right. - OK.
If I did the build-in... The lead-in, the...
# In violent times...
♪ You didn't have to sell your soul! ♪
LAUGHTER
I think the time was right.
- Did he just do it? - Yes. - I was looking down and writing.
Was that it? Do it again.
# You didn't have to sell your soul!
# You didn't have to shout!
♪ Shout! ♪
GREG SINGS OUT OF TUNE
- Then he goes low. - Yeah.
I will admit, it doesn't sound as close to him as I remember.
You've got to... You are...
You are destroying my confidence.
I am sorry.
Just build me up a little bit.
You're the greatest rock star in the world.
# These... I can do without...
♪ These are the things I can do... ♪
I can do without these things!
- Come on. - Please, come on. I'm talking to you. - Yeah.
Come on!
I love their stuff.
- # I didn't have to shout... # - LAUGHTER
Richard, Greg, you need to write something on why did
they use a doggy double. Why? Sorry, Greg, what did you just say?
On this particular question, what I said, proudly, was,
I don't give a fuck, Jimmy.
Oh, oh, really?
- Why not? - You've got a performing animal,
you flip it for another performing animal,
as long as they are performing, I don't give a fuck, Jimmy.
Also, I have got to say at this stage,
for this answer I have just written down two dogs.
I am so confused that I've just written down...
I think something you told me.
Yes, there were two dogs, why was the second dog used?
Oh, I don't know that bit.
Another TV question, This Morning with Phillip Schofield
and Christine Bleakley landed itself in hot water
with a rather racy segment at 10:30 in the morning.
It received 120 complaints,
what was the segment about?
- Yeah. - What were they talking about that got 120 complaints?
Do you know everything?
No, I know some things.
OK, and finally in this round, 21-year-old student Kaamil Shah
caused uproar among fans after his appearance on University Challenge.
What did he do to delight and appal viewers in equal measure?
- What did he do that caused outrage, right? - Yeah. - That's the question.
You really are nailing the questions. OK, we'll get some answers.
So, I asked you what Nigella cooked
that left viewers distinctly underwhelmed.
- What did you put? - It was avocado on toast.
- Did you get this, Richard and Greg? - Yes, we did.
Richard added, "in swan tears", just for a bit of colour...
Swan tears belong to the Queen, don't they?
That's why there were so many complaints.
The avocado and toast, there was more to it than that,
because there was chilli in there,
there was lemon, there was all sorts.
Avocado and toast is just the title of the dish.
It's just the title, you know, Hamlet is a short title.
But there's a lot going on in the play.
- OK, you all get points. - Thank you.
OK, Simon Pegg, asked you which TV moment was described
as "an unseemly spectacle," "a scene from the Exorcist,"
and "like a posh version of Alien." What did you think?
Grantham, Lord, not Leslie, ulcer burst.
Well, I can't fault you on that. Everything is there.
And what about you, Claudia and David?
We said, the Earl of Grantham's ulcer bursting at dinner.
What did you put, Richard and Greg?
Downton character, blood spray, dinner party in brackets.
I think that is enough, I think they've got it.
Thank you, Rob.
Well, I'll just check in with Rob if that is the right answer.
I feel safe with Rob, I have got to say, at this stage,
- I think Rob's built trust. - I'm a safe pair of hands.
Hosting a show, hosting something like this,
because I give the benefit of the doubt.
- I look for the good in a person. - Exactly. - Are you trying...
You are trying a coup, aren't you?
You're going to end hosting,
you're trying to get access to the scores.
Yes. Yes, I am.
- Shall we have a look? It is pretty... - It is great.
- It's spectacular. - It would really ruin the dinner.
HE GROANS
I'm so sorry, I...
THEY GASP
THEY SHRIEK
- Thomas, on his left-side. - Give me napkins.
- I'll call the ambulance. - Keep him warm, take my coat.
- What is it? - His ulcer has burst.
What?! Will he be all right?
We must get him to hospital as quickly as we can.
I'm here, darling. Don't worry, I'm here.
If this is it...
just know I have loved you very, very much.
It was a typical bit of Downton Abbey plotting,
there was so much build-up of his illness,
"Oh, I don't feel good..."
Like, for weeks and weeks and weeks, then that happened,
then next week he's fine.
All right, yes, you all got points there.
Ready for another answer.
I asked you what excuse was given for using
a different dog in the Britain's Got Talent final. What did you put?
We put the first dog was ill or frightened, dead,
or punched a producer.
Jimmy, you can't allow that.
Oh, no, I can't allow that.
What?!
Richard and Greg, what did you have?
Rob?!
You're on... I mean...
Jimmy, please... What did you get, guys?
Thanks, Rob, and thanks for having us on.
This is some bullshit now.
Well, Rob, we went, we said two dogs,
the first one had a substance issue
and was passive-aggressive.
It's a really funny answer,
but I can't give you a point for it.
Jo and Rob, what did you have?
We had that dog was scared of heights.
Just check with Jimmy, was that the right answer?
Yeah, it was, but you don't get any points, cos fuck you, dude!
LAUGHTER
Wait, that can't be the right answer.
The dog did it the first time,
what, is suddenly scared of heights?
No, they used two dogs in the performance.
So, one dog did 90% of the performance and then the last trick
which was walking on the high wire, they used the stunt dog,
because the original dog was scared of heights.
I haven't been able to concentrate since you did
that whole "fuck you, dude" thing.
You genuinely turned me on, Jimmy.
You are always such a genial host normally,
but to see you get all street and to slam Brydon down like that,
- God... - He was, in fairness...
It made me question everything, it did.
"Fuck you, dude!"
OK, was scared of heights is the right answer,
- you get a point there. - Thank you.
On to our next answer, I asked you what controversial topic
This Morning covered to land themselves in hot water?
What did you think?
It was a bondage thing, it was prompted by the success
of Fifty Shades Of Grey, the film adaptation of the book.
Excellent answer. Richard, Greg, did you get this?
We did, yeah, I saw it, it was repulsive.
Claudia, David, did you get this?
- Yes. - David knew it. - Yes.
- Bondage, not James Bond-age, nice joke. - Nice humour.
An exclamation mark to make it clear
that it's meant in jest.
Let's have a look at Phillip and Christine struggling
with the ins and outs of bondage.
Oh!
We have two bejewelled nipple clamps.
Ah, that's what they were!
I'm just trying to feel how much grip there was on those.
Cos, for reasons of decency, obviously, we don't have a...
We don't have a VT for this...
LAUGHTER
We do have your ears, which is fantastic.
Oh, my God!
There's a proper grip on those!
- I'll try it later! - You can get these...
LAUGHTER
What's interesting though, is that the woman that had clearly brought
in all this bondage gear, seemed the most scandalised...
Using a nipple clamp for the purpose for which it was manufactured.
I tried bondage once.
Have you tried it?
ALL: No.
When I was at university I tied this bloke
to his bed then I went home for the weekend...
It was lovely.
OK, and finally, 21-year-old history student Kaamil Shah
caused uproar among fans of University Challenge, why?
He was wearing a leather vest.
Greg, Richard...?
A life jacket on top of double denim.
Was our first guess.
And then...
Teamed it with a leather vest.
- OK, and you've gone for...? - Yeah, it was...
- He wore a leather vest and nothing else on his top. - Let's take a look.
There he is...on University Challenge in a leather vest.
LAUGHTER
It's kind of not brilliant until you see him next to the guy...
Look at that.
You don't know what Smith's wearing on the bottom half.
LAUGHTER
OK, points all round.
- Did you get points? - Yes, they got leather vest.
- After the double denim? - Yeah. - Fair enough.
I can't see, that's the problem.
Why they would seat the host here is a mystery.
Let's carry on.
You got it right, OK.
Now it's time for a special bonus round about films.
I'm gonna show you pictures from three
of the biggest movies this year. They've all been subtly improved.
All I want you to do is tell me what the films are.
Here is your first one...
LAUGHTER
Let's have a look at the next one...
There you go.
I'm not sure why David would be doing that to me, but...
I'm telling him, "No."
- Is it...? - I've no idea.
OK, and then the next one...
Oh, that's me, good lord.
That's quite upsetting, isn't it?
Yes, you're right.
Let's get some answers, what did you put? First one?
- The Martian. - OK, what did you put?
The Martian. We also put - Cod Liver Oil Capsule - The Movie,
cos we thought you looked like one.
- What did you put? - The Martian. - And then you put Trainwreck.
- Trainwreck. - Trainwreck. - Trainwreck.
And then, Claudia, David...
We didn't know this one, so I sort of guessed -
Hunger Games Thing.
But now I can see their answer and I think they're right
- and we're wrong. - What did you go for?
Mad Max: Fury Road.
Mad Max: Fury Road, Jimmy!
It's like an address, isn't it? Mad Max, Fury Road, Hastings.
Well, let's have a look and see, shall we?
The Martian, there.
Trainwreck.
And of course, Mad Max: Fury Road.
OK, Rob and Jo get points,
Richard and Greg get points...
Hmm, Claudia and David get less points.
- Fewer points. - Fewer points, yes.
- LAUGHTER - Fewer points.
Hey, Jimmy, this hosting thing, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?
OK, let's take a look at the scores...
Rob and Jo have...
Oh, fuck!
See you after the break for more Big Fat Quiz!
Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz Of The Year.
Now, this round is all about what was happening online this year.
I was gone two minutes!
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I wasn't sure you were coming back. I just...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
APPLAUSE Really?
Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz.
This round is all about what happened this year online.
On October 21st, the online world celebrated the day
Marty McFly and Doc Brown travelled Back To The Future.
It's a great film if you're a fan of movies
where mothers try to have sex with their sons.
Are you ready for some big, fat questions? Of course you are.
OK. For our first question, it's over Hollywood royalty
Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg.
BOTH: Hi, Jimmy.
- Now, as you know, we are huge sex symbols. - Huge.
This year, a new phrase became popularised,
replacing the old faithful,
"Do you want to come back to mine for coffee?"
No, thank you.
But what was the phrase?
We've answered all the questions...now.
We thought we'd do an experiment
to see if we can answer all the questions before we hear them.
You're not Derren Brown. What are you...?
Well, let's see.
HE IMITATES EXPLOSION
I'm pretty sure you're not, but, OK, let's see.
Next up, why was #LeftShark trending after this year's Super Bowl?
Oh!
That...that didn't match up.
I'm not sure that that's clear.
No, I'm not sure it is, either.
You know what I mean.
Yeah, I know what you mean, but we've discussed it.
For our next question, it's over to musical maestro Josh Groban.
Hey, Jimmy. I love coming to the UK.
I have some incredible memories of some very weird things here.
You and I are both, I think, obsessed with very strange things.
This year there was an unbelievable picture of a weasel
that was taken by an amateur photographer in Essex.
What was the weasel doing?
Yeah, that's hard.
Oh, I don't. Let's not get into specifics.
All right, OK.
Next up, Shabani - an 18-year-old gorilla from Japan -
became an internet sensation this year.
What I want to know is what was so special about him.
- How do you spell the name? - S-H-A-B-A-N-I.
Oh, I was thinking of another one.
Our mystical guesses are just proving to be hit after hit.
It's incredible.
I only did it as a cheap joke, but it seems like we've got it.
- You've got magic. - Yeah.
All right, final question.
Kylie Jenner inspired an online beauty craze this year
that involved bottles, shot glasses and these things...
These.
What?
Is there any food in it?
No.
Is it like that ping pong ball thing they do in Thailand?
- It's not. But I saw that in Thailand. - Were you entertained?
Well, I beat her.
She had a hell of a serve, but really no backhand.
All right, so time for some answers.
First up - Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg asked you
what phrase is now used to mean "Come over to mine for sexy times"?
James Joyce.
That was your...
I thought the question would be - who wrote Finnegans Wake?
- Well, you would have been right. - Yeah.
I mean, I feel like an idiot.
What's your other answer?
Get involved structurally.
So you would say to a lady in a bar...
Let's get involved structurally.
Can I just say - that would totally work for me.
I can't now even look at them.
Did you get this, Rob, Jo?
We put Netflix and Chill.
OK. Claudia and David?
That is also what we have written down.
- Is that correct? - Yes, that is the right answer.
- Yeah. - You would say, "What are we going to do tonight?"
"You know, Netflix and chill."
Within the last seven days, my friend of 20 years, Gavin,
has invited me round to watch Netflix.
He's a father of three and I'm godfather to one of his daughters,
but he was saying,
"Do you want to come round to my house and I'll fuck you?"
Did he say "chill"?
No, he didn't mention chill.
Presumably it's not even going to be a relaxing fuck.
I think Netflix on its own is just House Of Cards. It's fine.
It's the "and chill" that turns it...
That removes the televisual aspect
and introduces sexual intercourse.
- But "chill"? That's not how... Well, it's not how - I - do it.
"Chill" means, "Let's have some noodles."
Yeah, after I've been pounded by a friend of 20 years.
I liked it in the old days
when people used euphemisms that were a bit gentler.
Like, they said...
I met this guy once, he said, "Do you want to stay for breakfast?"
You know?
I went, "Oh, fuck it. Let's have it now." That was wrong, apparently.
And we're back to James Joyce, who was always playing with language.
- No points for Richard and Greg. - Thank you. - No points for you.
Points for you two for Netflix and chill.
OK, next I asked you why #LeftShark was trending this year
after the Super Bowl.
Did you get it?
- Yeah. - There was an act,
I think it was Katy Perry and maybe a rapper.
They had dancers dressed as sharks.
One of them danced badly.
We've got a little fin.
Katy Perry, backing dancers, shark, out of time, with a fin.
Very complete answer.
Richard, Greg, what did you put in in your Derren Brown column?
In the mystical column, we put - produced a long sword from his anus.
I take it we won't be getting the point.
Not for that. What did you put on the other side?
Katy Perry dropped a ton of offal on stage.
- "Dropped a ton of offal", is that like a...? - No, that is literally...
That's what it means. Stop looking for a euphemism.
Maybe not a ton. Maybe...
Do you want to come round to my flat later and drop a ton of offal on me?
Let's take a look at a grown man dressed as a shark dancing
out of time in front of 118 million people.
# Get your heart racing
# In my skin-tight jeans
# Be your teenage dream tonight
# Let you put your hands on me
# In my skin-tight jeans
# Be your teenage dream
♪ Tonight... ♪
How do we know that it's not the right one that's getting it wrong?
The right one might have been adding lots of extra showy moves.
There are only two sharks, as far as I'm aware.
Let me just ask - David, how did you get the job?
So points for Rob and Jo, and Claudia and David.
No points for Richard and Greg.
Josh asked you what the weasel was doing
in the extraordinary photograph taken in Essex.
What did you think?
Flying on woodpecker.
OK, what did you go for, Claudia and David?
We put - riding a bird.
- OK. - Like a piggy back.
- Piggy back. - Those are the right answers, but what did you go for?
Saying, "You fat shit."
And your other answer is?
- Riding a woodpecker. - Well, you all definitely get a point.
You may get two points,
because it looks as if he might actually be saying that. Take a look.
He's definitely whispering something in his ear.
Perhaps the weasel has misunderstood an offer
to come round for Netflix and chill.
Points all round, there.
OK. Next up I asked you what was special about Shabani,
the gorilla from Japan?
This is a gorilla in Japan, in a zoo.
People noticed it was quite attractive.
They started taking photos of it and it became,
what they call an internet sensation.
It went voral.
Richard, Greg, what did you put?
Well, again, interesting at how the mystical column
can throw up results.
That sounds filthy.
Our answer was the gift of compassion.
OK...and what was your other answer?
Ian Brown impersonator.
Claudia, David?
Handsome. Full stop. Very. Full stop.
Well, let's take a look at the old fellow, shall we?
There he is. I mean...That is a handsome monkey.
Let's take another shot.
Sure, why not?
And then this one...
Devastating!
He really is, isn't he?
He really is genuinely very good-looking.
Yeah, it's a great-looking ape.
He became an internet sensation in Japan
with everyone calling him Hot Guy.
- He just looks like any other ape. - No, but I don't think he does, Jo.
There's something about him.
I don't think it's what he looks like, I think it's the confidence.
You know what I mean?
- It's the way... - Compassion.
- You think it's compassion? - I think it's arrogance.
It's a touch of arrogance with a fuzzy back, which I love.
Finally, I asked you what online craze was inspired
by Kylie Jenner that involved bottles, shot glasses and these?
Lip plumping.
What did you put, Greg, Richard?
- We, um... - What did you write, sorry?
We put "bad dong".
Why did you write "bad dong"?
In which column did you put "bad dong"?
It was in the mystical column.
I haven't used the word "dong" since I was 13.
I'm so delighted to use it again on national television.
Then we put - giant red face.
- Giant red face? Well, you're pretty close. Claudia, David? - Full mouth.
- As in, you know... - Why are you frowning?
As in plump lips rather than you've got loads of pie in your mouth.
Full mouth - that can often be caused by a bad dong.
OK, so these things were indeed used for lip plumping.
No point to Richard and Greg. Points to Claudia and David and Jo and Rob.
How do I do it? Do you want to have a go?
As far as I know, I think your top lip goes in that one.
I'm not really sure. I think you do that...
- Then what? - CLAUDIA GROANS
You stick it on your face and then you can kind of pump it up.
Then you've got to leave it on there for 30 seconds, apparently.
Mm!
You're certainly... Your mouth does look different.
Immediately.
You look like that gorilla.
Bad dong.
Oh, God. Ow!
- Did it hurt? - Yeah, it sort of bit me.
Can I ask you - how's the grip?
Well, it's not great.
I wonder whether my beard -
this must be a problem a lot of women have -
that my beard is preventing the suction from forming.
I'm sorry to hear that.
It's really on.
- How's that? - Yeah, gorgeous.
Really attractive.
So some people tried it with shot glasses, which is very dangerous,
don't do that at home. Take a look.
SCREAMING
Oh, my God!
That's some bad dong right there.
OK, now it's time for the part of the show
where I introduce a mystery guest.
All you have to do is guess who they are
and how they made the news this year.
Ladies and gentlemen, our mystery guest!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- Hello. - Hello. - How are you? - I'm fine, thank you.
- Very nice to see you. - Hello.
OK, they're only going to ask yes-or-no questions.
- Are you tonight's mystery guest? - Yes.
- Very well answered. - Do you work in entertainment? - No.
- Politics? - No.
- Fashion? - Not work in it, but it's connected to. - Yes.
- We could give a yes for that. - Connected to fashion. - Yeah.
Did you invent a new item of clothing?
No.
Do you like kung fu movies?
Yes.
Greg, this is not an internet date.
- Did you invent a craze? - A craze happened because of you.
I mean, I think you did invent a craze.
- Were you personally involved with the KRAYS? - Yes.
Ronnie AND Reggie?
- Is the craze to do with an item of clothing? - Yes.
- Right, let's find out what it is. - Is it women's clothing? - Yes. - Dress.
- Yes. - Tena Lady. - Yes! I've got it. Dress!
OK, you've got to write it down. Write down what you think it is.
We don't know yet, we've just established it's a dress.
You just said you'd got it.
Let's just establish what we know.
There was a dress and this year it became very famous.
- THE most famous dress... - OH!!!
LAUGHTER
You've blown it, Jimmy.
You've just given the answer away like cheap rice.
A dress that became famous.
Write down what you think it is.
No more questions. I don't know.
DAVID: Oh. That!
That's you, you clever creature.
OK.
Let's go to Rob and Jo first. What did you get?
We've got - insert correct answer.
Can we just look at your faces
as Richard and Greg tell you what the answer is?
A blue, black-y gold dress optical illusion thing.
Is it one or...?
JO: Oh, that.
Do you want to tell them who you are and what happened?
Hello, my name is Cecilia Bleasdale.
I took the picture of that blue and black dress.
We've got the dress here, but if you look at it on the screen...
Are you looking on the screen?
Look at the screen, what colour do you see?
ROB: On the screen, it's gold and white, or taupe and white.
OK, so Rob Brydon is wrong.
- On the screen? - CLAUDIA: On the screen.
So who's seeing... Rob, are you seeing...?
I'm looking at another photograph of it on the screen,
not you holding it there.
- It's gold and white. - CLAUDIA: White and gold.
- Does that look white and gold to you? - Yes.
- That looks blue and black to me. - What?!
I mean, to be honest, this is the whole thing about this.
Host, are we all seeing the same thing on the screen?
- Did you just call me Host? - Yes.
APPLAUSE
With a sense of incredulity as well.
- Are we seeing the same picture on our screens? - Yes, you are.
Can I come and have a look at David...?
Their screen? You don't believe the screen is real?
No, I don't. I think they're looking at different ones.
This is some kind of bullshit.
Literally looking at the same screen and she says...
- That is white and gold! - You say that's blue and black?!
That can't be blue and black.
- Are you serious?! - Yes, honestly.
Good God.
I'll tell you what, Rob - pop in my brain and have a look.
- This is serious? - Yep.
Honestly, that looks blue and black.
This is incredible.
Well, my respect for you has gone out of the window.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Everyone sees that as white and gold apart from me.
This is a light blue with a kind of darkish gold.
JO: Can I have one of your sweets?
Jo, you can't just come over and nick sweets.
- Why not? - Shall I tell you...? - CLAUDIA: Go on.
What happened was I went out to look for this outfit.
I went into a store.
I took three photographs, sent them to my daughter in Scotland.
I said, "What do you think, I like the third one."
She said, "Oh, the white and gold one?"
I said, "No, it's blue and black."
She said, "Mum, that photograph you've sent me is white and gold."
From there, she shared with her friends on Facebook.
What's the science behind it?
- Have we worked out why it is that we're seeing it differently? - Yes.
Yes, it's written on the card.
Meh... It goes on a bit. Let's leave it.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Well, thanks so much for coming in.
Let's see what that's done to the scores.
Richard and Greg have 18 points.
Claudia and David have 21.
But in the lead, Rob and Jo with 22 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. See you in a bit.
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz Of The Year.
The next round is all about the sporting highlights of 2015.
Wayne Rooney broke Bobby Charlton's record to become England's
all-time top goal-scorer with an incredible 50 goals.
Wayne will be delighted, just as soon
as someone can explain to him how many 50 is.
LAUGHTER
There were arrests after allegations of corruption at Fifa.
Suspicions were raised when Fifa awarded the World Cup to Qatar,
a country so unsuited to hosting a football tournament,
it's like holding Miss World in Islamic State.
SHOCKED SOUNDS AND LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
I think I should point out that it's not Qa-TAR. It's QA-tar.
Cat-ARRH is a build-up of mucus and phlegm.
And nobody would want a World Cup there.
QA-tar. "QA-tar Airways."
- QA-tar. - LAUGHTER
- All right, I'll do the gag again. - No, don't do it again! - Why not? Why wouldn't I do it again?
Because then I won't have my joke about the pronunciation.
LAUGHTER
OK. First up, Usain Bolt had another brilliant year,
winning three golds at the World Athletics Championships in Beijing.
But whilst he was celebrating winning the 200 metres,
what unfortunate incident occurred?
THEY WHISPER
Next question. Controversial boxer Tyson Fury beat
Wladimir Klitschko in order to become heavyweight champion of the world.
What did he sing to his wife straight after the fight
in front of 50,000 people?
Was it, "I'm getting married to Katie Hopkins?"
- LAUGHTER Oh, if only. - I'd love that to happen.
Can you repeat the question, please?
And go on to say the answer.
LAUGHTER
Next up, seven-year-old baseball fan Ethan Hall -
there he is -
made the news this year after his rendition of the Australian
national anthem didn't go entirely according to plan.
What disrupted his performance?
So he was singing the Australian national anthem.
It didn't go brilliantly, I've got to be honest with you.
Next up, it's over to pop sensation Olly Murs.
Hello, Jimmy. As you know, I'm a huge football fan,
as is David Cameron, apparently.
But what did he get wrong during a speech in Croydon
that left football fans rather confused?
I think he's super cute. Edible.
Olly Murs or David Cameron?
- Olly Murs. - We're all edible.
- Aren't we? I mean, we're basically meat. - Yup.
LAUGHTER
You know, if it really came to it in this studio -
it may do in about half an hour - we turn on each other,
I think you'll find we're all edible.
Can I vote we kill Greg and eat him?
- Cos there'd be plenty to go around. - Yeah, I second that.
- Heeeey. - It's not a nice meat. It's a fatty meat.
What's this? What meat are we talking about, sorry?
We're discussing who we'd eat first.
LAUGHTER
I mean, is the ultimate submission, isn't it?
There was that guy on the internet wanted to eat someone,
- the other guy on the internet wanted to be eaten. - Perfect match. - Yeah.
They never made a romantic film out of it, though. I don't know why.
And finally, it's time for some "say what you see" action.
I'm going to show you a series of pictures that spell out
a sporting story from the year. What is it?
THEY MURMUR
This is enormous fun, by the way.
I could do 50 of these.
- Yeah, I think the whole quiz should be this. - It's so fun. - I love these.
Right, let's get some answers.
I asked you what happened to Usain Bolt while celebrating
the 200m win at the World Championships. What did you all put?
He collided with a photographer, or cameraman,
who was on one of those things that go around and you have to...
- A hover board. - Segway. - A hover board type thing. He was on one of those.
What did you put, Claudia, David?
Knocked over by a cameraman on a Segway.
OK, Richard, Greg, you got this?
He produced a sword from his anus...
LAUGHTER
- You're convinced that's going to come, aren't you? - I'm hoping.
And then was hit by James Joyce
- on a Segway. - On a Segway.
LAUGHTER
Hit by James Joyce on a Segway. I mean, I'm tempted to...
Should we take a look? Let's take a look at that moment.
- He's a true pro. He checked his camera first. - Did he? - Yeah.
- Let's see it again. Let's see if he checks his camera first. - I think he does.
OK. OK, there... Whoa!
Yes, checks the camera!
But he may have been checking that the camera hadn't fallen
on a small child.
Which would show him in a very different light, wouldn't it?
He's thinking of public safety first.
Well, he's not thinking very hard of public safety, is he?
LAUGHTER
OK, so points all round there.
I asked you what song Tyson Fury sang to his wife
straight after winning the title fight.
Shout, Tears For Fears.
- OK, Richard, Greg, what answer have you given? - Interesting.
- Shout, Tears For Fears. - Shout, Tears For Fears.
LAUGHTER
Rob, Jo?
Great track from the '90s from Aerosmith,
and it's Don't Want To Miss A Thing. Traffic and travel next.
LAUGHTER
The correct answer.
- Ah. - Can I say, we also corrected ourselves
and put that as the answer. Don't Want To Miss A Thing.
- Oh, you only bloody did, didn't you? - Did you?
You had a little bit of fun with Tears For Fears, and then you went straight for the Aerosmith.
We have the fun, we play the game. We have some fun, then we play the game.
LAUGHTER
- THEY SING HESITANTLY: # In violent times - I didn't want to...
# ..sell my soul
# You didn't have to
♪ Shout. ♪
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK. I asked you what disrupted seven-year-old Ethan Hall's
- rendition of the Australian national anthem. Did you get this? - Yes.
He was attacked by Enrique Iglesias's drone.
- Rogue drone. - Rogue drone, sorry.
I can tell you that is not correct. Claudia, David?
We put hiccups, with both of the potential spellings.
We had a bit of a quandary as well as to how to spell it.
I went with Jo's advice and went for "hiccups",
but look what I did with the S, which was quite sweet.
To represent a "hiccup-S".
LAUGHTER
- Adorable. - Yeah, P to the power of S.
Come and have a look, Richard. What do you think?
Oh, that's a lot of fun.
LAUGHTER
Let's take a look.
# Australians all let us rejoice
HE HICCUPS
# For we are young and free
# We've go...
- HE HICCUPS - # ..lden soil
- # And wealth for toil - HE HICCUPS
# Our home is girt
- HE HICCUPS - # ..by sea
- # Of beauty... - HE HICCUPS
- # ..rich and rare - HE HICCUPS
# In history's page
- # Let ev.. - HE HICCUPS
# ..ery stage
♪ Advance Australia fair. ♪
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So cute.
If he'd have been in my tutor group,
he wouldn't have had a break time free for a year.
LAUGHTER
Come and wreck my song, mate. Outrageous.
LAUGHTER
Olly Murs wanted to know what David Cameron got wrong
during a speech that left football fans confused. What did you all put?
David Cameron has always professed
- to support... - Aston Villa. - Aston Villa. - Yes.
And the confusion was the kit,
cos they have similar kits, and he said West Ham by mistake.
Loves a bit of ham, doesn't he?
LAUGHTER
- Claudia, David, did you get this? - Yes. - Yes. It was which team...
He forgot which team he supported.
He said West Ham, it's Aston Villa.
It's quite sweet, really, isn't it?,
They're the same colour kit, aren't they? Quite sweet.
It shows how his mind works,
clearly sort of on colours rather than words.
Bit of a...
Bit of a fucking worry, really, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
- Richard, Greg, did you get this? - Yep.
What have you actually written?
He said West Ham, not Aston Villa, or bad dong.
LAUGHTER
That is the last time that I...
I can't speak for you, but I won't be saying bad dong again on this show.
You're right, you cannot speak for me.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I can't promise.
Points all round.
Finally, I asked you to say what you saw. What did you see?
This was tricky. Great Britain
church snooker spoon...
- IMITATING HIS PRONUNCIATION: "Snooker?" - Snooker.
What are you trying to say?
IN A WELSH ACCENT: Have you got a problem with that?
Welsh people say "snooker". It's well known.
We say "tuth" instead of "tooth", we say "snooker"...
Sorry, Rob, a lot of my relatives are Welsh,
and they don't say "snooker".
They don't talk to you, Greg, so you wouldn't know.
LAUGHTER
But no, the actual thing is, Great Britain earns...
- Er, what did we say for that? - Davis.
Davis Cup Vic-tree.
Did you get this, Claudia and David?
- Yeah. - Great Britain earns Davis Cup victory.
Although what is that, the second one?
That's a Brit award.
- Oh, Brit-urn. - Brit-urns!
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
Oh, so it's... Oh, well, we got it wrong, then.
Great Brit-urn's Davis cup victory.
So Richard and Greg got it absolutely right,
Great Britain's Davis Cup victory.
Now is the time to show leadership, Jimmy.
- LAUGHTER - Now is the time.
- Points all round. - Oooh.
APPLAUSE
No.
- No, because... No. No. - I thought you would be making a good decision,
but you've made a bad dong, unfortunately.
LAUGHTER
Let's see how you're all doing.
So I can tell you that Richard and Greg have 22.
Claudia and David have 25.
- In the lead, Jo and Rob with 27. - Yay.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We'll be back soon with some more quizzing action. See you then.
Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz Of The Year.
This round is all about the famous faces that made the news in 2015.
Kim and Kanye had another baby.
People mocked them for naming it Saint West.
But to be fair, Rose and Fred would have been weirder choices.
LAUGHTER
Donald Trump is running for president.
This year Trump insulted Muslims, Londoners,
Mexicans, women and the disabled.
The only way he could have caused more offence
is if he'd fisted the corpse of Cecil the lion.
LAUGHTER
Some questions about people, everyone.
For our first question, it's over to Katie Price.
Hi, Jimmy. Now, I've been in the tabloids
wearing some proper risque outfits in my time,
but this year, disgraced peer Lord Sewel
beat me at my own game.
He appeared on the front pages of the tabloids
after he was secretly filmed getting up to no good.
But what unusual outfit was he pictured wearing?
Hmm.
So Lord Sewel was pictured wearing something
on the front of the tabloids. What was it?
THEY WHISPER There he is, there.
It wasn't that.
That's not the photo they went with for the cover of the tabloids.
Which is a shame, because he looks rather lovely there.
LAUGHTER
OK, next question.
Shia LaBeouf has had another incredible year.
Here he is motivating the masses.
DO IT!
Just DO IT!
Don't let your dreams be dreams.
What are you waiting for?!
DO IT!
Just...
DO IT!
Yes, you can!
Just do it!
Stop giving up.
LAUGHTER
HALF-HEARTEDLY: Do it! Don't give in!
Do it.
Maybe it's difficult and you can't be bothered.
- Fuck it! - LAUGHTER
I could see you doing a nice English version of that.
Would you mind? Would you mind doing it?
Have a pop.
Please do.
Accept failure gracefully.
LAUGHTER
The question is, Shia filmed himself doing something
for three days straight without going to bed.
What was it?
THEY WHISPER
Next up, what did The Edge, Madonna and Dave Grohl
all have in common this year?
Ah!
That's The Edge, that's Madonna, that's Dave Grohl.
They all did something this year - what was it?
I think David Mitchell will get this without your help, thank you very much, Claudia.
He really knows what's going on. LAUGHTER
Next up, we're over to one of the world's finest thespians,
Charles Dance, who's reading an extract from a novel of 2015
penned by a much-loved star.
What I want to know is, who is the mystery author? Over to you, Charles.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball
of full-figured copulation,
screaming and shouting as they playfully bit
and pulled at each other in a dangerous
and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation,
with Eliza's breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra's howling mouth
and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation
extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way
into every muscle of Eliza's body
except for the otherwise central zone.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
THEY WHISPER
Are you all ready for some answers? Have you all got something?
- Yeah, we're all good to go. - Fabulous. OK?
Katie Price asked you what disgraced peer Lord Sewel was pictured wearing on the front of the tabloids.
What did you all put? Let's go with you, Claudia, David - what did you say?
- Stocking suspenders, we thought. - Bra.
- Not normal clothes. - Not the regular.
Not a suit.
Rob and Jo, you've gone for...?
- We said pink bra. - Pink bra, we went for.
Some people thought it was blue and black.
LAUGHTER OK, let's go to Greg and Richard.
We're going for big points in this round. Let's go with the facts.
Orange bra, leather jacket, double denim, miniature ankle bracelets.
LAUGHTER
Well, I can tell you, Richard and Greg have got it absolutely right.
It's an orange bra and leather jacket. Here he is.
CLAUDIA: Wow!
What a tool.
LAUGHTER
So points for Richard and Greg, then.
APPLAUSE
Very well played.
Next answer, I asked you what Shia LaBeouf did
for three days straight. What was it?
He watched all his movies back-to-back and filmed him
watching them, I think on a live stream.
- What did you get, Richard, Greg? - Yeah, watching his own films.
- Watching all his films. - You're absolutely right. Points all round.
Here he is watching Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull.
Here he is watching Transformers 1.
And here's Transformers 2.
LAUGHTER
All right, next I asked you what Madonna,
The Edge and Dave Grohl had in common this year.
Did a quite nice job here with the answer.
Look what I did - stage, to signify the falling,
the letters go down, and two arrows.
Nice.
Yeah, that's nice.
LAUGHTER
- Is it good? - Yeah, it's nice. It's fun.
Richard, Greg, what have you got?
We gave two answers. They fell off stage,
or they were involved in the Hatton Garden heist.
LAUGHTER
That's nice. That reminds me of what you said earlier -
- you're playing the game, and you're having some fun. - Having some fun. - LAUGHTER
You all got that right. Why don't we treat ourselves to a little look
at Madonna at the Brits,
suffering a dramatic wardrobe malfunction.
# You empowered me You made me strong
# Built me up and I could do no wrong
♪ I let down my guard... ♪
LAUGHTER
- I mean, fair play, she gets up again like a trooper. - Yeah.
What she needs is Velcro.
The poor woman's got to undo a double knot one-handed.
LAUGHTER
I think they've all had so much work done
that we don't know how old they really are.
She's not old. I mean, she's 57,
but she's got the body of a man half that age.
LAUGHTER
Charles Dance was reading a beautiful passage from a novel
that came out of this year. Who was the author?
- Morrissey. - Morrissey. - Morrissey.
What was the name of the book, Richard?
Bad Dong.
LAUGHTER
By Morrissey and Olly Murs.
LAUGHTER
Let's go back to Charles to find the answer.
That was an extract taken from List Of The Lost by Morrissey.
Eliza's breasts barrel-rolled
across Ezra's howling mouth.
Mm.
Barrel-rolled?
LAUGHTER
If they barrel-rolled, it does suggest they detached.
Which would be terrifying, wouldn't it?
No matter how much you were in the moment.
Ahhh!
LAUGHTER
Why didn't he just put, "They had sex."
That's what you need for the story.
I think the word count came into play.
Well, you just put in another murder, I don't know.
- "They had sex and then there was another murder." - "They had sex, and then there was another murder.
"Who did that? They didn't know yet."
"'Let's go and look for some clues,' they said, putting their pants on."
LAUGHTER
David Mitchell - not the writer. The other one.
OK, points all round there for Morrissey.
APPLAUSE
Well, now it's time for a very special guest -
this year's winner of the Great British Bake Off.
It's Nadiya Hussain.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- I love you! - Hi.
- Mince pies. Did you...? - No. - You didn't bake them?
I'm so busy these days.
I just employed Mr Hollywood to make them for me.
- Mr Hollywood? - Yeah. - Looks more like Mr Kipling, if I'm absolutely honest.
- Do you want some mince pies? - Shall we have some mince pies? Yeah, let's give everyone a mince pie. Why not?
- I can't believe our luck. - I didn't make them,
so if you have horrible things to say, I don't care.
Thank you very much.
- You're my favourite ever winner. - Thank you. - Can I touch you?
- Is that weird? - LAUGHTER
- Are you OK? - Yeah.
We're very excited that you're here, the winner of Bake Off.
I mean, come on.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Are you baking now? What are you up to now?
Busy. Really busy.
- I'm writing a book, and... - Ooh. - Yeah.
- David could help you with that. If you get stuck... - Yeah.
Books need short sex scenes and long murders.
- That's just me. - That's...
Yeah, that a whole new genre of cookbook.
LAUGHTER
Nobody's ever tried a whodunnit recipe book.
LAUGHTER
So there's a book. What's the book going to be called?
I don't actually have a name yet.
Throw The Ingredients Together, Cook The Fucker.
LAUGHTER
That's what we're having.
- OK, you've got a question for us. What's the question? - I have.
So my favourite pastime is, of course, baking.
This year it was revealed the new Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn
has a rather unusual hobby. But can you tell me what it is?
OK, write down your answers. What is Jeremy Corbyn's unusual hobby?
It's pretty outlandish.
I'm going to have another of these for sugar.
- OK, so have we all got something down for this? - Yeah. - Yeah.
What did you all put?
His interest is manhole covers,
and specifically, he likes to photograph them if he sees them.
OK. Richard, Greg, did you get this?
- Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. Same thing.
Sorry, the mince pies really seem to have distracted you.
I put years of work into ruining this body.
Pie, anyone?
Claudia, David, did you get anything? What did you get?
- Yeah. - Yeah, taking photographs of manhole covers.
- Is that the right answer? - It is.
Jeremy Corbyn's hobby is taking photos of manhole covers.
APPLAUSE
It's very close to my hobby, which is taking pictures of manholes.
LAUGHTER
Men's anuses?
- Just such a weird hobby. - Do you get their permission?
LAUGHTER
OK, let's have a quick look and see what that's done to the scores.
So Richard and Greg have 27.
Claudia and David have 29.
Rob and Jo are in the lead with 31
as we go into the final part of The Big Fat Quiz Of The Year.
Once again, please give it up for Nadiya, the winner of Bake Off.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the final part of The Big Fat Quiz. This round
is all about the talking points and water cooler moments
that defined 2015. The Sun newspaper finally dropped page 3.
Women on page 3 are now covered up
and do the photoshoot in their bra and pants.
It looks like every day they're reporting a story about someone
forgetting their PE kit.
In October it was reported eating processed meats
was as bad as smoking.
Which is touch on me, as I've had to switch to salami patches
and vaping on an e-sausage.
Right, let's have some questions.
Take a look at these photos of Hollywood heart-throbs
Leonardo DiCaprio, Vin Diesel and Chris Pratt.
All of them are sporting 2015's must-have male physique.
What was it called?
Oh... Oh, yes!
Should be easy. Just look down, Greg.
LAUGHTER
By any chance, Richard and Greg, have you written "bad dong"?
I just said to Richard in the last break, "I actually think
"I've gone through it now and I don't find bad dong funny any more."
But I do, I still do find it funny.
Take a look at this picture of Australian politician Barnaby Joyce.
The question is simple - what on Earth is he talking about?
Movie stars, even though they've been the Sexiest Man Alive twice,
to come into our nation then why don't we just break the laws
for everybody? So it's time that Pistol and Boo buggered off
back to the United States.
OK, that was Barnaby Joyce,
still clearly upset about missing out on the Sexiest Man Alive title twice.
What on Earth was he talking about?
We know!
Yes!
For our next question it's over to the culinary wizard
- Heston Blumenthal. - Hello, Jimmy.
Now, as you know, I'm not the world's greatest shopper, so when
I do go shopping I'm always on the lookout for unusual ingredients.
But what new law described by the media as being potentially chaotic
could be avoided by purchasing a live fish,
an axe or a handful of loose seeds?
Tax could be avoided by purchasing what?
There was a tax and you could avoid it if you purchased a live fish,
an axe or a handful of loose seeds...
- Yes, yes, yes! - Yes, yeah, you've got it. - Move on. - Fine, fine.
And finally, a law passed in 1835 that banned wilfully leading
or driving any horse, ass...
..led to banning what popular fad this year?
Banning fads.
There's a grown man with a mortgage there...bad dong.
Literally, a grown man.
- Yeah, it's over. - I've not said a word. I've not said bad dong...
HE LAUGHS
This joke has got legs like you would not believe.
This is like a millipede, this joke.
I genuinely feel like I'm gonna go insane.
JIMMY LAUGHS
- OK. - All right, so I showed you these pictures of Hollywood heart-throbs...
LAUGHTER ..Leonardo DiCaprio, Vin Diesel
and Chris Pratt sporting the physique of the year.
What was it called? I'm going to go to you, Greg Davies.
What did you write, Greg?
We... We... It's "dad bod"
but we did an anagram of it first.
LAUGHTER
Bad dong!
- They've all got bad dongs. - They've got dad bods,
but they've probably got bad dongs.
- What did you put, Jo, Rob? - Yeah, dad bod. - Dad bod. - OK.
- Claudia, David? - Dad bod. - Dad bod.
I can tell you the answer was bad dong.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Points all round, dad bod.
Next, I showed you some footage of an Australian MP.
What on Earth was he talking about?
LAUGHTER
Johnny Depp's puppies.
Johnny Depp's dogs.
Let's go over to Greg Davies who's gonna tell us what he wrote.
Well, I wrote the second half of this. I wrote Johnny Depp's dogs.
That's not your handwriting.
LAUGHTER
What was he talking about, then?
Jeremy Clarkson's bad dong.
Johnny Depp's dogs is our answer.
OK, let's find out.
The next issue, which is
a gentleman by the name of John Christopher Depp,
51 years old, AKA Jack Sparrow,
he's decided to bring into our nation two dogs without actually
getting the proper certification and the proper permits required.
LAUGHTER
So the answer was Johnny Depp's dogs, Pistol and Boo,
who'd been smuggled into Australia illegally.
For our next question, Heston wanted to know what tax could be avoided
by buying a live fish, an axe or a handful of loose seeds?
We go straight to Richard Ayoade and Greg.
LAUGHTER
Greg?
It was the 5p bag charge.
Otherwise known as the "bad dong tax."
Bad dong tax. It's the bag charge, Jimmy. Five pence.
But if you buy seeds or an axe or fresh fish, you get a bag.
You get a bag for free. Rob, Jo?
- Same. - Carrier bag tax. - Carrier bag tax.
You're all absolutely right, it was the 5p charge for carrier bags.
OK, next I asked you what popular fad was banned in this year
after a law from 1835 was invoked? What did you think it was?
It was the Swegway. Segway or Swegway.
You're not allowed to ride them in public places.
The "Swegway" is absolutely right.
- Segway/hoverboard, we put. - And, Richard and Greg, did you get it?
No, we got Netflix and chill, bad donging.
LAUGHTER
So sorry to everybody involved in the last part of this show.
I regret nothing.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK, so points there for Rob and Jo, Claudia and David,
and no points for the Netflix and chill, bad donging.
Let's take a look at the scores.
I can tell you that Richard Ayoade and Greg Davies have 30 points,
Claudia Winkleman and David Mitchell have 33,
Rob and Jo have 35.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Final thing we have - the Big Fat Question.
I'm looking for three things. There's a point for each
- and if you get all three, I'll give you a bonus 5 points. - No!
So we're still in the game, despite being so profoundly shit
all the way through?
What I wanna know is the highest grossing film in the UK this year -
and because Star Wars has only just come out and is clearly gonna be massive -
- we're not counting Star Wars. - OK. - So not Star Wars.
- Biggest film in the UK this year. - Got it. - OK. Write it down.
The biggest selling album of the year - couldn't be easier, it's huge.
Biggest selling album of the year.
Even David Mitchell would get this.
- Already? - I don't know.
(I don't know, I think it's...)
And, finally, the most-watched TV show this year.
- Most-watched TV show. - Oh...!
I'm going with Richard's suggestion, bang!
I'm so nervous, I could be sick!
First off, the highest-grossing film of the year.
Rob, Jo, what did you put?
- Is it Spectre? - What did you go for, Richard, Greg? - Spectre.
- What did you go for, Claudia, David? - Same. - Spectre.
I can tell you you're all right.
That's the highest-grossing movie of the year.
APPLAUSE
The biggest album of the year - by some margin, I would add -
Rob and Jo?
25 by Adele.
Richard, Greg?
I wanted to say 25 by Adele
but unfortunately we had a little bit of bad dong
and we've gone for XX by Ed Sheeran.
Because I feel the Adele album came out quite recently.
What did you go for?
Taylor Swift, 1989.
We actually crossed out Adele, 25.
Adele, 25, was the best-selling album. Most-watched TV show
of the year. What did you go for, Richard and Greg?
- Downton Abbey. - Rob, Jo, what did you put?
The Great British Bake Off.
- Claudia, David? - Bake Off. - Bake Off.
I can tell you The Great British Bake Off was the most-watched TV show
this year, 14 million viewers.
So you get 2 points, Claudia and David.
Richard and Greg, you get 1 point.
Rob and Jo, you get 3 points
plus 5 cos you got them all right!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That is your lot. Time to add up your scores.
Here's how they did. Richard and Greg are in third place with 31,
Claudia and David have 35,
Rob and Jo are the winners with 43 points!
Rob and Jo, you are the winners of The Big Fat Quiz Of The Year 2015!
Big thank you to our amazing panel, all of our special guests,
and thanks for watching at home.
Don't forget to tune in to the all-new
Big Fat Quiz Of Everything on the 5th of January,
where Richard and I will be joined by Noel Fielding, Jack Whitehall,
Mel Giedroyc, Chelsea Peretti and Jonathan Ross.
This has been The Big Fat Quiz Of The Year, goodnight.
Subtitles By Ericsson