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I have the impression that I have forgotten something.
The same thing always happens to you.
I'm anguish.
That's why I recommend you not to leave home..
...to avoid that unpleasant sensation.
You're very good.
I'm only looking for the best for you.
I'm nervous.
Sure it's nothing important.
Not if it's not for that, it's because...
I'm not sure this is a good idea.
Of course it is. It's a great idea. A wonderful gift.
I'm scared.
Of what? Nothing's going to happen.
You will be staying with her all night. What if you like her more?
Don't be silly, Eva.
You're my true love.
Its just a game... a fun story.
Yeah.
Today is our 15th anniversary.
And in an unparalleled display of maturity..
...you have decided to freshen up our marriage with a partner exchange.
That's all. It's fun.
Not necessary.
It'll make our marriage stronger.
Relax and enjoy.
Don't let prejudice win. We're not going to do anything strange.
It's not dirty, is it?
Of course not. It's sex. Sex is beautiful.
It's not ugly. It's a game. That's all.
I'm afraid of losing you.
But as I love you so much, and I want you to be happy, I'll take the risk.
Listen, Eva. I'm scared too. You'll be with another man.
But I trust your love.
- It's different. - Â¿different?
Yes. Your partner is a young Brazilian.
With beautiful eyes and hair, and long legs.
It was the first option I saw on the web page you showed me.
Pure chance.
What do I care?
So she's a 19 year old mulato. You think I care?
Integration with other cultures is enriching. We have to lend a hand to the third world.
My partner's not very good looking.
Don't start with that again, Eva. Please.
He's got a hamster face.
You loved that hamster I got for you.
Yeah, but it was a hamster.
Well? So what? It's a one time experience.
Good looks! Good looks! That's not important. Not at all.
Did you choose the color of your eyes? Your height? The size of your breasts?
Yes. 100.
I mean. Everyone is who they are.
It's not his fault if he's not great looking.
Can't he enjoy himself too?
Oh. You're so right. Sorry.
Don't worry.
He has a micro-penis.
- And? - How long is a micro penis?
I don't know. Not big.
How big is not big? I can't imagine, because I've only seen yours.
Totally different.
- Smaller? - Hell yes! Obviously smaller.
Terrible!
That's not a defect, eh!
Large penises are ugly.
Have you ever seen a large penis on a Greek sculpture?
Never.
Everything big is gross. A big sandwich.
A big sandwich is not pretty. A canapé is elegant.
Aah. My breasts are gross then.
No! Not at all. That's different.
Hyper-developed breasts represent fertility.
Even if they're fake?
A plastic flower is just as beautiful as a real one.
And what does premature enaculator, mean?
- Premature ejaculator. - That.
Well, it means to reach orgasm quickly.
Like you?
No. Not like me.
If I'm quick sometimes it's because I have a lot to do.
We're not going to spend our lives having sex. We're not primates.
A premature ejaculator lasts seconds. At the minimum stimulus, Boom!
Taking off your coat might be enough.
We won't be there long, will we?
Darling, these things can't be hurried.
There's a ritual. We'll get to the house.
We'll get to know each other, dinner, a drink, chit-chat. Ti-hi, ha-ha, we get relaxed.
- We're not even there and you already want to go. - It's just that all this is new for me.
Yes, yes. I know.
We won't sleep with them will we? I can't sleep in a strange bed.
I know.
If I can't control the situation. We'll leave, right?
- Yes. - Good.
But that's not going to happen.
Yes, but if it did you wouldn't be angry?
No...
but I'd be disappointed.
It would hurt me to know that my wife wasn't able to handle herself,
and so we'd look like retrograde outcasts,
to a couple who have decided to break the repressive barriers of society,
and enjoy sex with complete normality.
I won't let you down.
I know.
Good evening.
Is this 3 C?
Yes. You're Eva and Jaime.
Yes. I'm Eva.
Delighted. Domina.
Delighted.
- Hello Jaime. - How are you?
Come in and make yourselves comfortable.
I'll be right with you.
Maximo is in the shower.
Look.
What did she say her name was?
Domina.
How strange!
She must be the maid.
And she gives us two kisses?
She works for a liberal couple and doesn't observe traditional protocol.
Got it.
She must be from Central America. They have strange names.
You're so smart!
I've been around.
What will you be drinking?
Please, not so formal.
Fantastic. What would you like?
I don't know. I don't drink.
You must drink something.
Water. When I'm thirsty.
And are you thirsty now?
A little.
With ice and lemon?
However you normally drink it.
And you Jaime, do you want water too?
No, I'll have something stronger.
Whisky?
Something in between.
Little by little. Beer if you have it.
Of course, Pilsen? Toasted? Fruity?
A beer.
They put ice and lemon in the water!
Typical in Central America.
Good evening. I am Maximo.
Welcome to my humble apartment.
Good evening. Eva.
Delighted, Eva.
- I'm Jaime. A pleasure to meet you. - The pleasure is mine Jaime.
What was the name of hamster face?
Maximo.
Aha!
Ah! Maximo is here.
I suppose you've met.
Yes. Can I get you something?
Please.
How are you?
Fine.
Domina is your wife?
Here, nobody belongs to anyone, Jaime.
We are free and independent.
How beautiful!
Yes. Lovely.
Let me rephrase that.
Is Domina the woman with whom you currently share your freedom?
That's right. Domina is my other half.
My circumstantial, fashion piece.
Domina is my life-journey companion.
The reason I get up in the morning.
I glad she's so many things,
but she's not the girl from the contacts site.
No.
My husband is very observant. I mean, my excursion companion.
You mean Linda.
Ah! The Brazilian.
Yes. Green eyes, long hair...
Yes, A wonderful girl. Precious.
Lovely, toasted skin, bouncy ass.
Exactly.
She died.
My God!
Of natural causes?
Yes actually. There is nothing more natural than making love.
You mean she died while...
The poor thing couldn't stand so much pleasure.
Rest in peace.
On the bright side, she left this world in happiness.
And her peaceful passing made it possible for Domina to cross my path.
Everyone happy.
Jaime, for me, life is like a giant puzzle,
we get pieces one by one and have to figure out where to put them.
But we must never force them.
They have to be the right fit.
Otherwise it's better to wait patiently for the right piece.
Yes, sure. But why didn't you change the photo on the web page?
It didn't seem important. I suppose that unconsciously,
her photo is a way of feeling her presence in my life.
How romantic!
Yes, but you could have kept the photo in an album..
...and updated the web page to avoid confusions.
I also have her photo in an album.
On that bookshelf.
He has photos of all his girls.
He likes to remember. He has 7 albums.
An album for each girl?
No. A photo for each girl.
One photo per page?
No. Four per page.
I only keep photos of the girls that mean something.
Casual lovers are not in there.
How old are you?
Forty-two.
You don't look it.
Thank you. Neither do the two of you.
We haven't told you our ages.
Are you hungry?
I am if Jaime is.
Don't you decide for yourself?
Yes, of course she does. Don't you?
Yes, right?
Are you hungry, Eva?
Forgive her. She's a little nervous, she's not used to these kinds of situation.
What kind of situations?
You know, these kinds of situations.
Conversations?
Yes. She's not used to conversations.
Do you have communication problems?
Quite the opposite. We have very good communication.
We've been together for so many years that we don't even need to talk.
We know what the other is thinking at a glance. Right?
Yes.
Marvelous!
Could you tell me what Jaime's thinking. Just by looking at him?
Yes.
Go ahead.
Well, I don't think it's the moment to demonstrate our mental connection.
Please. We'd love to see it.
Eva, what's he thinking?
He's hungry.
Are you hungry?
Very.
Amazing.
Let's eat.
Just a moment. I'd like to finish the conversation.
What were we talking about?
We can talk as we eat.
We were talking about why the hell you didn't change the photo on the web site.
The photo of the sculptured Brazilian for your current partner.
Don't get angry, darling.
I'm not angry, sweetheart.
I though I explained it. Wasn't I clear?
What's the matter? Don't you find Domina attractive?
-Ummmmmm -Physical appearance means nothing to him.
He only cares for the beauty of the heart.
Then we speak the same language.
Eva. Jaime. So lucky to find you.
You too!
Usually the couples that come to our home are insensitive and only think of the image.
That is why I stopped using my photo and describing my attributes
and replaced them with a more mundane profile.
I was tired of fornicating with spectacular women who don't really need an orgasm.
Many men wish to lie with them.
I realized that there were many women, physically less graced,
sexually unsatisfied who passed us by considering me unattainable.
These are the ones I wish to pleasure.
Those who have no alternative.
I don't want to give a bicycle to someone who already has three.
Maximo is a philanthropist.
Do you also collect stamps?
Are you saying you fornicate to help the world?
Yes, Jaime.
I believe that God gives everyone abilities to help others.
Most people never recognize their gifts, or decide not to use them.
I have been lucky enough to recognize my gift.
Nature has given me a grand capacity for love.
The least I can do is help others.
So you're like an NGO of sex.
No. I fuck because I like it.
I put my own pleasure before that of my partner.
Not Maximo. He is only happy when he makes others happy.
Do you like lamb?
No.
Wonderful. Because we don't have lamb.
I like fish.
We like meat.
Dear Jaime, you are very lucky that Domina is my partner now and not the Brazilian.
I've always been very lucky.
Clearly. That Eva is in your life, confirms it.
I'm not talking about her.
What a joker!
Your partner has an extraordinary sense of humor.
When he's in the mood he tells great jokes.
Ah! Tell us one.
No.
Come on. Tell the one about the parrot. You tell it so well.
I don't want to tell the one about the parrot.
Why not?
Because I'm not in the mood.
Easily fixed. I'll get you a beer.
Why do you say I'm lucky that Domina is your partner and not the Brazilian?
Because she was very conventional in bed. Unlike Domina.
What do you mean conventional?
She didn't do anal?
Yes. She did it. In fact she loved it. She did the best anal,
present company excluded.
How about that!
I'm referring to sophisticated practices.
That not just anyone can appreciate. You understand me, don't you?
Perfectly.
He's very intelligent.
So are you.
I'm not a man.
You're both brilliant!
And the chairs?
Chairs? What for?
Silly me.
Since when are chairs necessary to sit at the table.
This is the ideal position for digestion.
It opens the chakras.
Please.
We haven't had time to prepare a meal fit for the Buda,
it's been a busy day.
Maximo was trying to stop the felling of some trees,
I was with a client.
And the felling?
Bad.
They didn't fell any?
They did. So, bad.
And your client?
All correct.
Excellent.
What do you sell?
Not sell. Rent.
Rent what?
My body, I'm a prostitute.
Oh, how nice! So you fuck full time.
Yes.
Must be hard work.
No, not in my case. No one forces me.
I do it because I enjoy it.
How lucky to do what you enjoy.
Domina is very professional.
I have no doubt.
Tell them your slogan.
No client unsatisfied,
no client without pain.
Oh, I love it!
Really?
No client without pain?
Of course Jaime. You know very well that the greatest pleasure begins with pain.
Domina is an expert in the field.
Shall we eat?
I don't have a fork.
Metal is lethal.
You don't have a wooden fork?
Wood splinters.
It splinters.
We don't use cutlery. It gets between the food and the organism.
Of course.
I need to wash my hands.
I'll come with you. I need to urinate.
You go first then.
We can go together.
Together?
I'm not going to piss in the basin.
Are you going to wash your hands in the toilet?
Ha-ha-ha. No.
Compatible activities then. Let's go.
The ham is very tasty.
They're anchovies.
How did you cut them so thin?
We didn't. They're like that.
Nature is so fanciful sometimes.
Look Jaime. They have anchovies that look like ham.
Ah! Yes.
What's the matter?
I don't feel well.
Are you dizzy?
A little.
He's not used to drinking.
That's not it.
Jaime, get on your knees. Domina, get a glass of ice please.
What's the matter dear?
Get out! Get out of here now!
Jaime, look at me. Look at me Jaime. Can you see me?
Perfectly. That's the problem. Don't touch my tie.
It must have been dinner.
I haven't eaten, Eva.
That's it, you haven't eaten. Oh God, you're going to die!
Relax Eva. Maximo is a doctor.
Oh, good! Doctor, is he going to die?
Eva, death is inexorable.
- Yes, but is he going to die? - Not today.
Oh. Thank you, thank you. Oh God. Don't worry dear, the doctor says you're not...
Eva, I heard the doctor perfectly. That's enough!
Jaime, put this ice in your mouth and suck on it slowly.
Stethoscope.
- Please don't leave me. - Relax, Jaime. Relax.
Don't leave me alone!
Let's see. Cardiac rhythm, normal.
Pupils, normal.
He's not making sense. Is that normal?
If he has ice in his mouth, yes.
I said, what I have is not general medicine. It's psychological. Call an ambulance.
- Right away... - Maximo has also studied psychology.
There's no need for an ambulance.
Yes, I studied as a hobby. I never intended to practice.
90% of people who study psychology do it to solve their own problems.
I did it to understand the human essence.
Do you have any hobbies, Jaime?
Pardon?
- Domino. - Aah!
He's great at domino. He always beats me.
I'm sure he's a great domino player. Paper bag.
Jaime, look at me. You're having a panic attack.
- Is it serious? - Not at all. It's completely normal.
Put the bag on your mouth and inhale. You'll feel better.
- Yes, but we'd better go home, right? - Yes, please.
That's not a good idea.
Inhale. Don't stop inhaling.
If you leave now you won't solve the problem.
If fact, you'll make it worse.
If you run now, the brain will understand that running is the solution.
But running won't work. The problem will keep returning.
To get rid of it, you must face it.
- What should he do? - Don't give it importance.
Accept it as a natural reaction of the nervous system.
Relativize the problem. If you relativize the problem it will be diluted.
We must continue the evening as if nothing has happened.
Little by little, he'll feel better. I promise.
Oh!
Don't worry, Jaime. Everything's fine. Do you want a beer?
Yes, please.
You have a lovely apartment.
Thank you. It's all thanks to Maximo.
He decorated it with things from his travels.
Mostly indigenous pieces that the tribes gifted to him..
...in appreciation for the help he gave.
Ah, he copulates with the indigenous peoples and they give him gifts.
No. Every year, I visit villages in the third world that have no access to medicine.
I spend a few days giving vaccines and they are very grateful.
People who have practically nothing.
There's nothing more generous than giving what little you have.
Poor people.
They are happier than us.
Are you feeling better, Jaime?
Yes.
You see. I told you.
You just have to relativize the problem.
Have some meat, it's very good.
What meat is it?
Secret.
Iberian secret?
No,
Secret.
Try it.
Do you like it?
It's very good.
That's the main thing. Who cares where it comes from?
Jaime loves to cook.
Ah! What's your specialty?
Tomato macaroni.
How do you make it?
Well, it's a simple recipe,
I don't have much time for cooking.
Work keeps me very busy.
I understand. But I'm curious.
Well, it's very simple.
Tell me more.
I cook the macaroni and I put tomato on it.
It's exquisite.
Do you remove the seeds?
Well, I use tomato sauce, from a bottle. You might have seen it.
Well, it's a quick option. Although canned tomato sauce is high in dextrose.
Yeah, yeah. But we like dextrose.
It tastes good, but it causes testicular cancer.
I have a splendid trick to cook pasta.
An original idea of my great grandfather, head chef on the Titanic.
Was he in the movie?
Eva, you're adorable.
Yes. Not too smart, but a good person.
In our scale of values, intelligence is far below nobility.
In ours too.
What's the great, great grandfather's trick?
He boiled the pasta in sea water.
But there's poo in the sea.
Eva, dear, we're eating.
What's that?
Jaime doesn't swim because there's poo in the sea.
That's not exactly true.
What poo?
Human poo. My husband is poo intolerant.
He's so sensitive that he passed out.
Well, it wasn't only that.
The temperature of the water was a factor, and my neoprene suit was in the dry cleaner.
Sounds like hypothermia.
Exactly.
Have you tried the salt.
Yes, Jaime uses it a lot. He says that an egg without salt is not an egg.
This is pink salt, from the Himalayas.
A different concept.
How is it?
Very salty. Very good salt.
No, thank you. I'll have salt for desert.
Sometimes Maximo goes to Tibet to meditate and he brings me salt.
Very thoughtful.
And why do you go so far to meditate?
The place is crucial.
You are 5000 meters above sea level. Far from civilization.
Surrounded by monks in absolute silence eating only boiled rice.
What a great plan!
I assure you that in 15 days you are transformed.
No doubt.
Do you practice much?
Meditation?
No. Sex.
Yes.
How often?
- On Saturdays. - Every day.
Every day that's a Saturday.
The best ten minutes of the week.
Well, Eva. Not always 10 minutes.
I know, I know. I mean the days when we take longer.
Eva has a strange concept of time. She doesn't calculate it well.
Yes, I do.
No, no you don't, dear. I should know. I live with you.
Let's see, Eva.
Don't look at the clock.
You arrived at 10:15. What time is it now?
12 past 11.
13 past 11 by our watches.
Mine's a minute late.
Eva, doesn't calculate time well, but she's very lucky.
That's why I'm with you, my love.
I'm not so lucky, however.
I'm sure they are 10 wonderful minutes.
Yes, they are.
You might not believe it, but once I had an orgasm.
That's very rare in a woman...
...isn't it, darling? That's what you told me.
Eva, let the nice people talk.
Oh, sorry! Yes.
Have you ever had an orgasm?
Constantly.
Eva, let them talk. We're hogging the conversation.
That's why I'm asking.
No, let them talk among themselves. Don't be indiscreet.
Not indiscreet at all, Jaime.
Every night when Maximo makes love to me,
I have orgasms until I pass out. I don't sleep,
I lose consciousness.
Panic attacks often have flashbacks. It's normal.
I come with my clients too. But it's not the same.
Does it bother you?
Me? What?
That she sleeps with other men.
It would bother me if they hurt her. But as they give her pleasure, her pleasure is mine.
Well. Are we going to fuck?
Noooo!
Why not?
No. Let's have a digestive. A shot of liquor.
Do you want a salty, fruit shot?
No, I've had enough salt today.
Whisky?
Perfect. Now's the time for whisky.
Oh. It's finished.
Well, something else.
We don't have any more alcohol. We had beer and you've drunk it all.
Are you sure? There must be a little. There's always a little left.
No.
Didn't your father give you a bottle of Chinese liquor?
True, now that you mention it. But it has a horrible lizard in it.
It's repugnant.
I love it. Chinese lizard, liquor is just the thing.
You're afraid of reptiles.
If they're alive, Eva.
You're not having some?
No, very kind.
No? And you Maximo?
I don't drink. It saps the sexual strength.
Yeah.
I only drink pineapple juice and mineral water.
Very healthy.
Not just for the health. It also makes the semen taste better.
Interesting.
And as he ejaculates so much, the taste is important.
Of course.
The first hit is the hardest. Then you get used to it.
What do you do Jaime?
I'm a persianist.
A pensioner?
No, persianist. I install and fix Persian blinds.
A beautiful job.
Yes, yes it is. And it's more complicated than it seems.
My father fixed blinds. My grandfather fixed blinds.
And your great grandfather, fixed blinds?
No, not him. Because blinds didn't exist.
You're wrong. The Persians invented Persian blinds, that's where the name comes from.
You're wrong. I knew that. It was a joke.
Jaime's very famous. Have you heard of Garcia's Blinds?
If your blinds are broken. Call Garcia. Ring a bell?
No.
An excellent slogan.
He made it up.
Congratulations.
It's commercial. Catchy. A rap!
A rap.
Well, let's...
Dance. Let's have a dance. No?
What's with you tonight? You don't like dancing.
I'm in the mood. I do like it. It's just never the moment.
It's late for music, Jaime.
Come on Maximo. Don't be a party-pooper.
One song. To get us in the mood.
Alright.
Fantastic.
Any preference?
Something upbeat.
They say that if a man dances well, he's good in bed.
Don't you dance Maximo?
From time to time.
Come on man! Get up! Come on. Don't be shy.
It's all good. Just try it. That's it! Loosen up!
Will you accompany me, my queen?
Where?
To the bedroom.
- I'm a little nervous. - I'll relax you.
The man you just met is a prodigy of elegance and sensitivity
but once he enters the bedroom he becomes an insatiable beast.
An insaciable beast.
Eva, I love you!
She can't hear you. The bedrooms are sound proof.
So as not to disturb the neighbors.
Some women scream a lot.
Does Eva scream a lot?
When she gets angry.
And in bed?
When she gets angry in bed.
Are you alright?
Yes, why wouldn't I be?
Shall we go to my room?
Already? I still have some lizard liquor.
I can't wait anymore. I'm on fire.
Maybe you have a fever. Do you have a thermometer?
Yes, I have fever. Give me the thermometer.
Is there a heater?
You won't need one.
Don't be so sure. I catch cold easily.
Stop with the hands, I'm ticklish. Your hands are frozen.
Your total unattractiveness makes me so hot.
I'm not sure how to interpret that.
Forget interpretations. Mount me like a dog.
Your predisposition is excellent.
Come on, son of a bitch.
Hey! That's not necessary.
Destroy me!
Just like that?
I don't know. I thought you were a more sophisticated lover.
What do you want?
Do you have a costume?
What kind?
What do you have?
Nun?
I'm an atheist.
For God's sake.
Airline stewardess?
No. I'm afraid of flying. Where's the damn pill?
Want to switch roles?
No, no thanks.
Why not?
Don't you know that the male g-spot is centimeters from the rectum?
Yeah, but I don't want to enjoy myself that much.
Legionary?
Yes!
You like it?
Yes, yes, yes.
You like the hard line.
I love your choice. Not only that, this costume has a partner.
What do you mean, partner?
The legionary and the ram.
Powerful, eh? Put it on!
Do you think it's my size?
The ram costumes are one size for all. Haven't you used one?
Yes. A few times.
How was it?
Very warm.
Sargent Domina is very hot..
...and needs the beast to calm her.
Why do ram costumes never have the eyes where you need them?
Come my ram. Come to me.
Jaime, you've lost the Viagra but that doesn't matter.
You should have a little erection but you don't.
That doesn't matter. Don't worry. Worrying makes it worse.
Keep touching her tits and the hard-on will come.
She's got a hair on her nipple. That's not bad.
Touch her ass, Jaime. Touch her ass.
You can't get hard. You can't get hard.
Look in the overcoat pocket. It might be in the overcoat.
Hey! There's a lady spying on us.
That's Rosario. My neighbor. She's not spying, she's watching.
Does she always do that?
Since her husband died. She likes to watch me make love.
It must bring back good memories. Don't speak. Roar!
Pardon?
Roar at me! Roar at me!
She's eating popcorn!
Bon apetit. Roar at me!
She's signaling at me. She's trying to tell me something.
Shut up!
Can we close the blind?
It's broken.
Shall I fix it?
No, no, no. I like it like that. Broken. Shut up and fuck me!
I have to go to the bathroom.
What for? You're a beast. Do it on me.
That's too much.
What do you mean?
It's not pee.
Oh! I love that it's not pee. Defecate on me.
No, no. I have difficulty. I have to be alone. I have my manias. I do it in a toilet.
The overcoat, the overcoat is the key. The Viagra has to be in the overcoat.
Shit, a hole! Damn it!
You're not Maximo.
And who are you?
Pedro FernÃ¡ndez.
I don't mean your name.
You mean my profession?
Yes. What are you doing here?
I'm the doorman. Also a professional lawn bowler.
And why are you here?
To see the game.
Don't you have a TV?
Yes. A nice one.
But my wife's watching her favorite program. Pig hands.
I don't know it.
A competition in which dying, old people make food with their feet..
...and their caregivers have to guess who made each dish.
Lovely.
But whenever the show coincides with the game I have to find an alternative.
I mentioned it to Mr. Maximo,
and he was kind enough to give me a copy of the key..
...and told me I could watch the game here, as they don't watch much TV.
And why don't you watch it in a bar.
I'm not big on bars.
And besides, they don't have hot water in the lavatories.
And why do you need hot water?
To wash my hands.
Every professional lawn-bowler has clean hands.
They're the tools of my trade, man. Don't you understand?
Fine, fine. And you haven't thought of buying another TV?
What for?
If there's one that no-one's using.
Hey, I'm not bothering you, am I?
No, not at all. Forgive me.
I like your pijamas.
They're not pijamas but thank you.
Wanna watch the game?
No, thank you very much.
And would you like to make love?
Don't waste your time. I like the ladies.
Of course, of course. That's what I'm talking about.
I'm not talking about with me.
Look. In that room, there's a woman,
thirsty for sex that you can make happy.
Maximo's girlfriend?
The very same.
And why don't you make her happy?
I don't like her.
Are you homosexual?
No.
How strange!
What?
That you're not gay and you don't like a woman.
There are women who don't do it for me.
First time I've seen it.
Do you want to copulate or not?
You're not gay?
Who cares if I'm gay or not.
I'm offering you a chance to get laid.
And the game?
Who cares about the game? There are many games.
And what do I tell my wife?
That you were watching the game.
No. My wife's very clever. She is not a man.
She won't suspect a thing.
And the smell?
Have a shower when you get home.
That's very suspicious. I never shower when I get home.
In fact I never shower. I just wash my hands.
There's an old trick. You spill a beer on your belly and it hides all the smells.
Sure, sure. But I didn't come here to fornicate.
Sure, sure. I understand. I understand perfectly,
but sometimes life surprises you.
My body isn't prepared for sex right now.
Of course it is! It's good to go! You have a magnificent body.
Splendid. Take off the robe and put my pyjamas on. Put them on.
Put the pyjamas on and fornicate like there's no tomorrow! Put them on.
There you go. Come on. I'll help you.
Will it fit me?
Of course. Don't you know that all ram costumes are one size for all?
Get your arm in.
First I've heard.
Ha ha ha. Everyday we learn something. That's it. There you go. The arm.
Hey..
Yes.
Should I say you sent me?
No. No, no, no, no, no. Don't say anything. Just roar.
Roar a lot.
What?
Roar, roar. Like a ram in heat. And the mask, the mask is very important.
Let me hear you roar.
Perfect. Very beautiful. Go and roar. Go.
But I...
Go. Go and Roar.
But I...
Go! This door, right here.
Very good. Now while the nice doorman entertains the beast,
I have to find a way to get my wife out of here.
Think Jaime. Help me God. Send me a sign.
Good evening.
Good evening of The Lord.
Yes.
Dear brother, would you be interested in buying a magnificent bible?
You're selling bibles at this time of night?
At this hour future believers are often drunk.
The word of god enters better with booze.
Not interested. Thanks.
Why not?
I'm not drunk enough.
I'm sorry for you.
Sorry for me?
That you're not drunk enough.
Goodbye.
I think I made a mistake.
Just a minute, Jaime. Maybe she's right.
Heed the signs.
I need help!
How many bibles do you want. Special offer, two for one today.
Why would I want two bibles?
Bibles deteriorate with use. You need a spare.
The word of God is indelible.
But the paper has a use by date.
I don't need your bibles, I need you.
We, on the other hand don't need you. We need your money.
That true. "Don't waste the time of he who has no other way to make a profit"
Epistle of James to the Ephesians.
- Word of God! - Praise the Lord!
I'm asking in God's name.
God doesn't exist.
Alright. How much for a bible?
Fifty euros.
Fifty euros! Is it signed by the author?
Good night.
Please, you're good people. You have to help me.
We are not good people. We sell bibles.
Alright. I'll buy a bible.
Did I hear two?
No, you heard one bible.
Two! Two, is much better. You're right, two bibles are useful.
Perfect. Remember we have an offer of three bibles for the price of two.
And the two for one offer?
But you want two.
Alright! Give me three bibles.
Perfect. Do you want to buy three? We have a wonderful offer of...
No, no, no! I'll take you up on the offer of three bibles for the price of two.
You're a very intelligent believer.
100 euros.
Here you are. Come in. Quickly!
What do we have to do?
Come in here. Sit down over here. There you are.
Listen. My wife is in that room..
...with a very attractive man with a huge penis who is making non-stop love to her.
Poor woman.
Yes. I have to get her out of there. You can help me.
Excuse me for interrupting.
Interrupt away.
How did this come about?
It's her anniversary gift to me.
What a great gift!
The idea was to enjoy a novel sexual experience..
...that would revitalize our relationship.
But the situation has gotten out of hand and I need to get her out of there right away.
And why don't you just say you want to go? That you're uncomfortable.
If she loves you she'll understand.
No. That would be to accept defeat.
I would lose status in her eyes.
Our relationship would never be the same.
I need an external factor that will necessitate our leaving.
Us.
Exactly.
What do we do?
I don't know.
Play along and we'll make it up as we go along.
No problem. I'm an actress. It's my calling.
I've always loved dressing up.
Who would have known?
Every day I play a different character.
Â¡Ah. So you don't sell bibles.
Yes. It's the closest I could find to my calling.
Almost all bible sellers are actors.
Ah! And you too?
No. I'm her husband.
And that is incompatible with the world of acting?
What?
Nothing.
What shall we improvise upon?
I don't know. That's what improvisation is.
No, no. I'm not good at improvising.
I'll help you but with a structured plan.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be ideal.
But this is unexpected. We have to be adaptable.
I can't. I'll mess it up.
Don't say that!
Yes. He'll mess it up. I know him. We've been married for 20 years.
No, man.
Yes, man!
He'll say the wrong thing.
She's right.
He has a gift for saying the wrong thing.
He hasn't so far.
Because I've hardly spoken. Because I'm so sad.
Why are you sad?
It doesn't seem fair that a man like you, unlucky enough to be born so unattractive
should have his wife pounded by a stallion.
Told you.
You won't talk.
And if they talk to me?
No. Not a word.
That's very rude.
You'll be a deaf-mute.
Really. Why? Have you noticed something?
No, no, nothing! Why did you marry this man?
Not a day goes by that I don't ask myself.
Buddy. Over here.
You'll be a deaf-mute in our plan.
It'll be like theatre.
Ok. Got it? Good.
Hello sir. My name is Teresa Orlowsky.
My father is Polish from the village of Wroclaw.
I grew up there. Maybe you notice the accent.
That's not necessary.
Silence. Do not interrupt me.
Time has not improved your poor manners.
This man.
I know exactly who this man is.
And so do my lawyers.
This is not the man who is pleasuring my wife.
Someone's pleasuring your wife?
- And who is this? - Who is this?
The doorman.
The doorman is pleasuring your wife?
No. I'm the doorman.
It's Maximo.
Who's Maximo?
The man who's pleasuring my wife.
Oooh! Bad. He killed his last girlfriend.
I know.
He killed her? How?
No way!
Yep.
Let's not get dramatic.
That's not necessarily going to happen to my wife.
The girl must have had a heart condition.
She looked very healthy.
Why don't you keep fornicating?
No, no, no. Thank you very much. I'm not in the mood.
That woman makes a lot of noise. And I'm more used to the indifference of my wife.
Is she satisfied?
Domina? Not a bit.
She was looking for an enema and I escaped.
An enema for what?
The Lord moves in mysterious ways.
I don't know but I'm not staying to find out. Good night.
You don't want to watch the football?
It's no fun if I miss the start.
Wait! Your robe.
I don't want to pry, but if he wasn't with your wife,
who was he having sex with?
With Domina, Maximo's wife. It was a partner swap.
My wife with Maximo and me with his wife.
And why arenât you with her?
Because I donât like her.
Are you homosexual?
No! Damn! What the hell!
Jaime, I found it. The enema.
Hello. I am Teresa Orlowsky,
the Polish cousin of him.
And he is my Polish deaf-mute husband.
What a surprise!
And what are they doing here?
My dear polish cousins have suffered a surprise eviction.
Poland isn't what it was.
They arrived at my house, and since I wasn't there they called me for help.
And when did they call?
When I was in the toilet.
You didn't say anything?
I didn't want to spoil the climax.
I told them to come here because they were cold in the street.
If they're Polish they should be used to the cold.
Yes, but it's a different cold.
There you cover up and you're fine. Here the humidity gets into your bones.
You know the climate of MÃ¡laga well.
My cousin tells me things.
You don't look alike.
We're distant cousins.
- As we live in Poland. - Yeah.
The situation is terrible.
Just imagine. What a downer.
I would have loved to enjoy the enema, but we're going to have to go.
And my wife too. They miss their cousin.
And why don't they go to a hotel?
They have no money.
Can't you loan them some?
Sure, but a hotel is so impersonal. They're already feeling uprooted.
They're family. I can't put them in a hotel. They need a home.
No luggage?
Nothing. Just three bibles.
All we have to hold onto is the word of God.
And this basket?
More bibles.
When things are this bad, three bibles are not enough.
I'm so sorry. They can sleep here if they want.
No, no, no... no.
We have a spare room with an enormous double bed.
They can't sleep together.
No? Why not?
He snores.
Deaf-mutes snore?
Horribly. All the noise they don't make in the day, they make at night.
We have a spare bed. He can sleep here in the living room.
No, really, really. Don't bother yourself Domina.
No bother at all. Stay here. That way we can finish our night together.
Impossible.
Why?
She's pregnant and could give birth at any moment.
You don't say? Pregnant? Congratulations!
Thank you!
How far along?
Nine months.
You're not showing at all.
My metabolism. Even when I'm pregnant I don't gain weight.
In any case, Polish children are born very small. Then they grow fast and get huge.
You must be tired and hungry.
It's a long way from Poland.
Well, they didn't walk here. They're OK.
I'm going to prepare some food.
No, really, Domina. Don't bother yourself. We have to go.
I could use a drink.
You're about to break waters.
Exactly. As an anesthetic.
In Poland we don't have epidurals. Bottle of Vodka and baby out.
We've only got Chinese, Lizard Liquor.
Good is.
Want a drink?
We're not drinking. They may have killed my wife.
It's no big deal.
I mean it.
The rooms are soundproof.
The internet ad with false identities.
The meat they gave us for dinner, from god knows where.
The Brazilian.
The albums with photos of the victims.
All serial killers keep records.
They haven't killed you.
Not yet. But what about the enema? The old poison enema trick.
A clean death.
Not that clean.
Practically undetectable in an autopsy.
Like a praying mantis. They copulate and then devour their lover.
Bastards. They had it all planned. How did I not see it?
Someone so good must be evil.
Don't eat anything they give you. It could be poisoned.
You can do it. Speak, now damn it.
It's very late. Let's go.
You can't leave me like this.
It's not worth dying for what you're paying us.
We're three against two. We can take them.
Mi husband can't open a jar of pickles.
Some jars are very tricky.
Good night. I hope your wife lives.
Good evening.
Evening.
And my wife?
In the bedroom.
Alive?
Yes, and Domina?
Also alive.
I imagined so. And these people?
My Polish cousins. Gretel and Hansel.
Like the fairy tale.
No. In the fairy tale it's Hansel and Gretel.
Delighted. I'm Maximo.
Delighted.
To what do we owe the honor?
We have fled our beloved Poland.
My cousin Hansel is a deaf-mute.
I worked as a volunteer with deaf-mutes one summer.
My partner and I are honored with your visit.
Your settlement in Poland, is it due to political issues or is it a different matter?
My cousin doesn't know Spanish sign language. He's always lived in Warsaw.
In Wroclaw.
No, in Warsaw.
No.
Not even a weekend to see the city?
- No. - I thought that...
No. We've never been to Warsaw. There is much rivalry.
The government has some measures...
Whatever. Anyway, he doesn't know Spanish sign language.
It's strange because she speaks perfect Spanish.
Yes, because she studied linguistic and he studied science.
Ah! What's his specialty?
What is the specialty of cousin Gretel?
Hansel.
Right, Hansel. It's been a while.
Occult sciences.
Interesting. Do you know Polish sign language, Jaime?
A little.
What's the difference exactly?
Aaaaah!
What's the matter?
I'm pregnant.
Can I see my wife?
Congratulations. How's life in Poland.
Poland isn't what it was.
I imagine. After the blockade.
Yes, After the blockade.
Was he born deaf?
- Yes. - No.
Ah, no? I thought he was.
No, not much less.
He's always been shy, but he's been deaf since he went deaf.
What happened?
He became deaf-mute after a blow to the head.
We had a palm tree pruning company and he fell.
Are there many palm trees in Poland?
No, that's why the business failed.
If you fall off a horse you have to get right back on.
Yes. Right back on.
We were evicted and my cousin is our only living relative.
As children we played endless games of chess in the shed.
Yes. I remember. Can I see my wife?
My parents had a shed.
I lost my virginity there with a Ukrainian girl who looked after the cattle.
She had experience.
Experience?
Milking.
Very quick your cousin. Not only beautiful but funny too.
Oh yes. She's always been funny. We've seen each other little but laughed a lot!
Could I see my wife?
A sense of humor is a sign of intelligence.
Nothing excites me more than intelligence.
Right, right.
How old were you?
When?
When you lost your virginity in the shed.
Seven.
How late!
I was always a mature child.
How was it?
When we finished, she told me it was the most gratifying sexual experience of her life.
Typical Ukrainian exaggeration. Can I see my wife?
It's no big deal. She wasn't a woman of experience.
She had only been with 100 or so men. All of them farmers.
Enthusiastic but lacking technique.
Rough men seeking their own pleasure. I focused on her.
That's the secret.
Marvelous. Can see if my wife's alive?
Yes, but I don't think you want to see her now.
Why not?
She's tied up. With the Shibari technique.
Tied up? Why?
She asked me too. She had that fantasy.
Fantasy? But Eva has no imagination.
She gets blocked if you ask her for a number from one to ten.
Well, she seems happy. Have a look if you like.
No. I don't want that image in my head. Cousin. Take a look.
Cousin, cousin. Check on your cousin.
Yes, yes, of course.
First door on the right.
Hello cousin.
She didn't answer.
I don't think she recognized me. She knows me with glasses.
She has a rope in her mouth. She can't talk.
And another on the nipples. Squeezing them.
- Yes, yes. - Oh!
Sorry. She's fine. More beautiful.
Completely naked. I thought she was a natural blonde but now I see...
If you like, you can sleep here.
There's room for one more,
and your partner can sleep on the sofa.
I'd love to.
No, cousin, no, no...
Why not?
We have to give my cousin his medicine.
What's wrong with him?
What do you care?
I want to help.
Stop helping man! No more helping. That's enough helping.
Why don't you go and get the medicine and I'll wait here for my cousin.
Ehhh!
We're leaving.
When he needs his medicine it gets so bad he sometimes speaks. Random words...
We'll speak at home.
Without meaning...
My mother was right. Don't marry an actress. Don't marry an actress.
Good night!
Cousin, cousin!
They're not your cousins.
No. Gretel and Hansel don't exist.
They're bible sellers who appeared at the door and I grabbed hold of them.
What for?
To help me get my wife out of your bedroom.
So we could carry on with our wonderful routine.
Why didn't you say so before?
You're an extraordinary man Jaime.
If this situation torments you, it's because you love Eva.
And that's magnificent.
It's not easy to do a partner swap. You have to be sure before you do it.
Doubts are normal.
Don't worry. Eva loves you above all else.
I appreciate it.
But I know I can't please Eva in any way.
We aren't loved for our virtues but for our defects.
There's nothing more noble and generous than to admit them.
I'm going to untie her.
No. Leave her. If she's enjoying it, let her enjoy it.
I only want...
Since I met her, she's only lived to please me.
She deserves to feel pleasure for a while.
It's fine, don't worry about me.
If you're not happy. She won't be either.
I'll untie her and you can go.
Sandwiches! And your cousins?
They went back to Poland.
At this hour?
It's never too late to go to Poland.
Why?
Couldn't stand the climate.
Are you alright?
Yes.
Do you want some lizard liquor?
No. It's undrinkable.
I told you.
You're so lucky.
I imagine you're referring to Maximo.
Does he have any faults?
Yes. He's terrible at ironing.
Eva is also wonderful.
Yes, She is.
But this night I have discovered that I am not in love with her.
Jaime. We speak the same language.
I detest the perfection of Maximo.
Sometimes I feel, I don't exist.
I need to reaffirm my identity with someone normal like you.
I have money and time. Let's run away Jaime.
Let's run away together.
Have you finished?
I love you, I love you, I love you.
I love you more than anything in this world.
Let's go home.
Yes, please. To our home.
Did you enjoy yourself.
He didn't touch me. He only wanted to tie me up.
Jaime, your clothes.
I'll get them another day.