##[Dr. Detroit by Devo playing]
[Laughing]
# Don't you stop #
# Don't you wonder why #
# life itself pops in #
# and takes you by surprise #
# Don't you try to run #
# It gets you from behind #
# Like a common cold #
# it takes you for a ride #
# Don't you stop to think #
# Don't you even try #
# Call me doctor #
Five eight-minute miles,
less corrections for construction zone
plus traffic and liquids...
Adjusted ETA downtown
is now three minutes plus 10 coming down.
# Call me doctor #
[all chattering]
Bye!
# Don't you stop #
# Don't you wonder why #
# life itself pops in #
# and takes you by surprise #
# Don't you try to run #
Hey, hey, look.
He's some kind of nut. Look at him.
Loves his exercise.
Mmm-hmm.
Hey, man. Nice legs.
Fuck you!
# Now is the time to call me doctor #
# This is a serious case #
# There's not much time, now call me doctor #
# They love to watch him operate #
Ow, sweet thing! How you doing, baby?
Good morning, baby, how are you?
Good morning, Miss Blittstein.
Fix your shirt. You're so sloppy.
(Smooth) Come on, girls. Let's go to work.
# It comes and goes so call me doctor #
# They need a special technique #
# It grows and grows, now call me doctor #
# Calling Doctor, Doctor Detroit ##
(Diavolo) Hey, Boss, check out the geek!
Yeah, I want you to see this guy.
Slow down, Diavolo.
It's the same guy. He's cute.
He's got nice legs for a geek.
You're right.
Forget it, we're late. Let's go, Diavolo.
[Tires screeching]
Marvelous.
(Smooth) Well, anchors away, sweetheart.
Don't forget to take the Dramamine.
Oh, come on, Jasmine, baby.
What can he do that I can't do?
Never mind.
Good afternoon, ma'am.
Hi, Stretch. Are you getting taller or did I break a heel?
Not to mention
checks aren't supposed to bounce, are they?
(Durant) Here comes young Skridlow.
Good afternoon, Skridlow. Right on time.
Finish classes. Six miles into town to the Faculty Club as usual
and now I'm indulging myself.
Dinner out and a movie.
Bye.
Look, I paid $50 for this tie
and I think it looks great, okay?
(Diavolo) I would have bought the other one.
I didn't hire you to be a fashion consultant, I hired you to drive.
So, please, just drive. Hmm?
Well, one day I'm gonna have my own driver
because I'm gonna be an actor.
Look, Diavolo, just cut the Sidney Poitier impressions, okay?
They'll call me Mr. Diavolo!
Fine.
[Tires screeching]
Hey, wait a second, man.
What the fuck's going on here?
Who is it?
It says "Mom's." That's one of Mom's cars.
(Diavolo) Hey, man, where the fuck you get your driver's license?
[Horn honking]
Hey, Smooth!
Yeah, here's the Yul Brynner clones.
Hey, Smooth Walker!
Me?
Yeah, you, you son of a bitch!
Mom wants to see you!
Silly me, I thought we were in the middle of a motorcade here.
Aren't you boys on your way to the Cue-ball Convention?
Yeah, you...
Hey, man. Watch it, asshole.
Just be cool and drive, okay?
Keep your eyes on the road.
Say, I just had this motherfucker washed and waxed?
Be cool.
Say, Boss, you want me to lose these assholes?
[Tires screeching]
Come on, get out.
Let's go, Kingfish. Mom's waiting.
Take it easy on the suit. You want the Asshole of the Year Award?
You got my vote, okay? Take it easy, Johnny.
Okay, guys, listen, I can walk by myself, okay?
What are you guys, training wheels?
Hi, Mom. Pleasure to see you, as always.
You owe me $80,000.
Uh, $60,000. I'm a couple of months behind.
$80,000.
$20,000 extra is a late-payments penalty.
There are lots of other penalties, you know?
Look, Mom, I'm doing my best. I mean, I got overhead...
Shut up!
The only reason you're walking around with both knees
is 'cause you got a class act.
I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
You give me your money, the girls,
everything else you've got. We'll call it even.
What about me?
I'll let you live.
Quiet.
Mom, I mean, you know how things work in this town.
If it was up to me alone, I'd be thrilled
to settle this thing with you,
but, well, l... I got a new partner.
Another partner?
This guy, this dude from Detroit.
Uh, he just moved in on me.
Detroit? Are you kidding? I know people in Detroit.
Not this guy.
I mean, he's too big. He's too bad.
He's as bad as you are. Maybe even badder.
(Smooth) I'm scared, Mom,
and that's why l... I go along with the Doctor.
The Doctor?
Yeah, Doctor. Doctor...
Detroit.
I don't know if he's really from Detroit,
maybe that's just a handle he uses.
You mean you let this jerk-off muscle in on Mom?
Just let him in without... Just let him in?
I'm scared, Mom.
He's a scary guy.
I gotta meet this Doctor.
I'll... I'll see if I can arrange a meeting,
but do me a favor, Mom.
Just leave me out of it. I've suffered enough.
Okay, boys, turn him loose.
If he gets out of line, you can have him for lunch.
Get the fuck out of here!
Diavolo.
Where to, Boss?
Australia, South Pole, China, okay?
I gotta stop and get gas, you know that.
Just drive, okay. Please?
[Horn honking]
[Siren wailing]
[Tires screeching]
Hey, man, I hate to say this again
but you got your little fuzzy white ass in a crack.
And you know there isn't any Doctor Detroit.
You just pissed away the money.
Please, I know what I did.
I am trying to figure a way out!
Yeah, okay, okay, well, you just remember that you
didn't spend any of that money on me.
It doesn't matter, bro. You are in this with me.
I'm not going down alone.
Wait a second, man, what are you talking about?
It's not my fault that you spent all that money on those clothes, shoes,
this big gas-guzzling tank, and that penthouse of yours.
Diavolo, I didn't say it was your fault, I said it was your problem.
Now we have to find ourselves a patsy, okay?
Well, what kind of patsy you talking about?
I don't know.
Somebody who could be Doctor Detroit,
whatever the hell that is.
A yo-yo.
Where are you gonna find a geek like that?
(man #1) Yep, yep, how was it?
(man #2) Terrible.
"Mulligatawny soup,
lamb vindaloo, alu parathas, saag"...
All on the special. Perfect.
Excuse me, please.
Pardon me, sir.
Guptar!
Mr. Skridlow, welcome.
Namaste. Namaste.
Please, this way.
Mr. Skridlow,
the lamb vindaloo is very, very good this evening.
That's just what I was thinking.
What a coincidence.
I will bring the waiter over right away.
(both) Thank you.
(Jasmine) So he wears this little sailor suit
[women laughing]
And I do my best "Flower of the Orient" number.
Like it's 1931 and we're in Long Bar in Shanghai.
That sounds like fun.
Till we play "find the gunboat."
Hey!
Isn't that the funny-looking guy with the great legs?
(Karen) Ooh, yeah.
Great legs, nice tushie, I think he's cute.
Hi, honey.
Ah, he didn't hear me.
[Women chattering]
Hiya, girls. I'm sorry I'm late.
Hey, you made it.
Just barely.
Ah, Bourbon, no ice, double.
What's the matter, Smoothie, you had a rough day, honey?
Been talking business all day long.
Just money, money. Blah, blah...
And?
And, everything is fine.
Girls, girls, look,
it takes a lot of time and energy
just to cover our investments every day, okay?
I don't wanna talk about it during dinner.
Okay. Okay.
Fine.
Hey, Smooth. Look, your old friend.
Son of a bitch.
Here we are, sir.
Yeah, listen. You see the guy over here?
The four-eyed gentleman with his nose buried in the book?
Sir?
The guy with the seat-cover sport jacket.
Yes, sir.
I wanna buy him a drink.
Yes, sir.
No, uh, I wanna buy him dinner.
Very good, sir.
Chop, chop.
(Monica) Mmm, generous!
Excuse me, sir, but the gentleman
at the table opposite you with the young ladies
would like you to join him for dinner.
Really? I can't believe it.
Sell it, girls.
(Clifford) I wonder what the man could want.
Homosexual come-on, maybe.
No, he couldn't be gay,
not with all those beautiful women.
And even if he is, maybe they're not.
What harm in accepting the man's hospitality?
But, no free lunch in this world, say I.
I can thank him though.
Yes.
Yes, I'll thank him.
That's the decent thing to do.
Uh, this is most unexpected.
Do I know you?
Perhaps you were in my Comp-Lit 101 class at Monroe?
I don't believe so.
[Chinese accent] Excuse me, I'm Jasmine...
And I'm totally thoughtless.
Allow me to introduce everyone.
This is Karen, and I'm Smooth Walker.
This is Monica, Hello.
Jasmine, of course, and this is Thelma.
You are...
Uh, Clifford Skridlow.
My friends call me Cliff.
Clifford, oh, how cute.
Well, join us, Cliff.
Uh, well, I-I've... I've already ordered...
Why don't I have Mr. Skridlow's dinner brought to this table?
Why don't you? Great.
Here comes that chair, Cliff.
Just slip right in.
We'll have another fresh drink for our new friend Cliff.
How very gracious of you.
Can you tell us anything at all about this
tandoori thing?
Oh, you've ordered the tandoori?
Well, uh, you're going to enjoy it.
It's... lt's really a marvelous technique.
It's a miniature clay oven, completely enclosed, a marinade,
and the heat of the oven and the enclosure on top
that keeps the juices in,
uh, and, uh, thus causes
the, uh, meat to come out pink.
Ooh, I love it.
[Women laughing]
Thank you for coming.
Thank you, my good man.
I got it, honey.
Come on. Come on.
[Sighing]
Fresh air gives one a decided lift, doesn't it?
Well, I'm off to the Cinema Obscura. It's the last night
of the Satyajit Ray Pather Panchali trilogy. I'd like to catch it.
Don't worry about it.
I got the whole thing on videocassette.
Pather Panchali, the whole trilogy,
Deep Throat, E. T., you name it.
Hey... Thank you, Diavolo, the door.
Wait, Boss, this is the geek...
Yes, this is Professor Clifford Skridlow.
He's an expert on chivalry, honor,
literature, Indian cuisine...
Don't forget power walking, systems analysis, rock climbing...
And what about erotic adventure?
I never said that.
So, think about it.
[Smooth laughing]
Shall we be going then?
Come on.
(Karen) Come on. We'll have a wonderful time...
(Thelma) Yeah.
And you look like you could use a little company, right?
(Karen) Yeah. Get in.
Would you get your ass in the car?
##[Super Freak by Rick James playing]
# She's a very kinky girl #
# The kind you don't take home to mother #
# She will never let your spirits down #
# Once you get her off the street #
[people whooping]
# She likes the boys in the band #
# She says that I'm her all-time favorite #
Catchy tune. Yeah.
Do you dance?
Not much.
Oh, go on, you got that rhythm. Go on.
Show them what you're made of.
Come on, I know you wanna do it.
It'll be so much fun. You look so handsome in this jacket.
Well, I might as well work off supper.
There you go.
Gangway, hop to, coming through.
Oh, that's cute.
Hey, Smooth,
what are we being so nice to this guy for?
Well, I'm, uh, thinking about taking in a new partner.
Let's go mix it up.
# She's a super freak #
# Super freak #
# She's super-freaky ##
[all whooping]
Like Lord Wittgenstein and monks
drinking wine and the flagons were full.
Watch the water.
[Horn honking]
Beautiful, wait! Traffic, stop, stop.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I'm gonna fire up a fun log. Mmm?
(all) Yeah.
It really doesn't do anything to me, and I've tried.
Oh, yeah! You're just Mr. Natural, aren't you?
Let's get high on life?
The body is a temple, huh?
Well, you could say that actually, sure.
She just did. Go on, try some.
That's not gonna do it.
# Love, love #
All the way to the right?
[Muffled cries]
[Coughing]
Oh, boy!
Oh...
[sighing]
[All hooting]
Thank you.
(Smooth) Get in there, file in. Wait till you see this next place.
Come on. Come to Mama.
(Smooth) Okay, here we go. Wake up, Diavolo.
Drive, my man.
Let's go, go, go!
What a great car.
[Crashing]
Forward, Diavolo, forward.
[Gagging]
[Grunting]
He was a real nut. I read that.
I know.
He was mad. Really?
Come on, don't make him blush.
It'll make you feel so good.
Ooh!
Hold it. Hold it.
# Hold him #
We're on a roll here.
Watch it, watch it.
# Hold him #
# Show him #
# Show him that it's real #
# Show him that it feels good #
I can feel my hair growing.
Hey, baby, it's good dope.
No, it's not the dope.
It doesn't affect me. Explain that.
[All giggling]
(Smooth) Drink up, Cliff.
A new way of looking at things, huh?
I guess so.
You're a marvelous... You're a marvelous group.
Are we?
Very perceptive.
Thank you.
Welcome home.
Wow, look at this place!
It's positively vulgar!
You must be so incredibly rich!
Look, your art collection, it's on the...
Oh, I... You purposely... Because... Chicago!
Your kind of town.
Yes!
Where am I?
You're right here.
Where's here?
Well, here is where it's at.
Now, come on, don't give me any of that
freshman philosophy crap.
I'm talking existential being.
Well, of course you are, gorgeous.
You're very pretty, like a bright little bug.
A dragon!
Say, Boss, check it out.
You got my man over here tripping.
Dude is tripping. What'd you give...
Stay down at the front, with the car.
Say what?
I thought you said I could take the rest of the night off, man.
Sure, but in the car.
Oh!
[Yells]
[Chuckling]
Look, what utterly tasteless furnishings.
Cliff.
[Woman moaning]
[Clifford grunting]
[Coughing]
So, you're in the entertainment business.
Well, you could call us public servants.
Don't we look it?
You know, I think Cliffie is a little tense.
Uh, perhaps a hot bath?
(women) Oh, yeah.
[Laughs] No, no, I don't think it's tension,
l... I think it's more fatigue.
L... I really should be going. It's... lt's far past my usual
bedtime.
And let's just say I'm... I'm not tense.
Yes, you are. I can feel it, Cliff, right up in there.
[Groaning]
My lattisimus dorsi, you're so right.
It's only natural on a night
that could change your life.
Ah, nothing's gonna change my life.
My life is set. What could possibly happen?
How'd you like to come into this business?
The entertainment business?
Exactly.
All I wanna do is share my good fortune,
my... my involvement with other people,
my world.
Oh, I...
I don't know.
See, I have a business,
I teach comparative literature at Monroe College.
I'm a full assistant professor now.
My father is chancellor of the college.
L... l... I'm committed.
Think about it, Cliffie. Just think about it.
Your own business.
Your piece of the American dream.
[Hookah bubbling] A nice company pad,
the best employee roster this side of heaven.
Thelma, Karen, Monica, Jasmine.
Now, that's entertainment.
And they'd all be working for you.
All for you.
[Stammers]
It's all very sudden...
I have responsibilities... l... l... I...
Well...
[clicking]
Soak!
Think about it.
Relax.
Enjoy.
Oh, yeah!
Yeah!
Oh!
ETA to splashdown: Two seconds!
[Screams]
[All giggling]
[All screaming]
[Sputtering]
You dark, burnished thing, you!
[Laughing]
Oh, you beauties!
Ooh! Your legs are so muscular for a teacher.
Do you exercise?
Yeah, as a teacher, I stand a lot.
Listen, sweetheart, do you think we can use
battery-operated devices under water?
Yes! Use them.
[All laughing]
I'm gonna show you how to play
"find the gunboat."
[Gasping]
[Women squealing]
This is the best time I've ever had
in my entire life!
Do you hear me, world?
My entire life!
[Clifford laughing]
[Birds chirping]
You gonna make it, man?
Yeah, yeah, thank you, I think so.
Thank you, thank you.
Take care, my brother.
[Shoes squishing]
Hello, Son.
Hello, Father.
That's a late night.
[Sighs] I guess, a little.
Good morning, Clifford.
Breakfast anyone?
(Arthur) No, none for me.
Oh, of course not.
You're probably gonna starve yourself to death.
[Both chuckling]
What makes you think that I'd take my own life?
Oh, I was speaking figuratively, dear.
But these financial statements...
Clifford, cash your paycheck quickly.
Margaret! Mar... Mar... Would you please excuse me?
That is private business between the trustees and me.
Forget it, everything's peachy...
Harmon Rousehorn, I'm gonna call him
and tell him to cancel his visit.
We don't need his endowment check.
[Margaret laughing] Don't you dare.
My God!
Oh! Honestly, some people just can't take a joke.
I'm gonna water my begonias.
##[Margaret humming]
Well, I would prefer for you to hear it from me.
But without the Rousehorn endowment check
this college can't even meet its current payroll.
But we are getting the check.
I mean, Rousehorn's coming in to present it himself.
It's a major endowment. It's in the press.
Look, son, without that check, Monday next
the banks are gonna close this college down.
Close it down.
One hundred years of scholarship
and public service shot to shit.
I've gotta go up and get some winks
before my 11:00 lecture.
You've got a 9:00.
Is today Wednesday?
(Arthur) Yes, Wednesday.
I thought it was Thursday.
[Bell tolling]
[Students chattering]
Excuse me, please. Thank you.
Morning.
(Clifford) Ah-ah-ah. Places, please.
Let's begin. Sorry I'm late.
[Students groan]
We were discussing the hero's role in chivalry
as exemplified by the character of Lancelot,
based on Thomas Malory's Le Morte d'Arthur.
Entranced by Arthur's Queen Guinevere,
Lancelot, a knight of impeccable virtue,
faces a crisis
as his idée fixe confronts his libido.
Any comments?
Mr. Frankman,
what do you think of Lancelot's crisis?
Well, I think Lancelot was an idiot.
Mr. Frankman, how long have you been
in the first-year program?
Four years.
[Students chuckling]
Uh, duty, selfless honor, chastity, humility,
uh, purity, a devotion to a greater good.
I mean, by now, don't any of these things
mean anything to you?
[Clifford sighs]
All together now:
What is the chivalric ideal?
(students) The chivalric ideal is one of duty to a higher cause
in which purity and chastity are virtues
and manly strength and honor
are devoted to their preservation.
And justice for all.
[Police car siren wailing]
Just let it out! They'll get to your real feelings.
How does it feel?
Hey, man, I feel lousy... Lousy.
I feel shitty... Hmm.
I feel pissed off...
Violent, hostile? Yeah, a little.
Great! Hit me.
Hey, man, I can't do that.
Look, you can. You want to.
You... You... You have to. I need it.
Hey, man. What's wrong with you?
You getting a little kinky?
'Cause if you are, it's gonna cost you extra.
I learned that from the girls.
They learned that from me
and that has nothing to do with this!
Now, look, Diavolo, for once, do what I tell you to do
and try to do it right!
Now, hit me!
Say, man, what's wrong with you? You going crazy?
I can't hit you. You want me to call a doctor?
I ain't hitting you, man.
Okay. I'll make it real easy for you.
I got everything, you got nothing, right?
I'm the boss, you ain't jack shit!
I am white. I don't even know what you are!
Say, man, I'm black!
All right, then try to remember
that my grandfather owned your grandfather!
Your mama!
[Groans]
That's good, Diavolo. That's good!
Oh, my back! Oh, your ass!
Take it easy. Take it easy.
Not the teeth.
You don't tell me what to do.
You want me to kick your ass?
Then I'm gonna kick your white motherfucking ass!
(Smooth) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Hmm.
[Man chattering on TV]
Oh, nice.
Black eye, lacerations, multiple contusions...
Hey, what'd you do, try to roll a sailor?
[All laughing]
Doctor Detroit.
He's bad, Mom. Really bad.
Mom, I gotta get out of town.
Now, your heavies can settle this shit.
Just leave old Smooth out of it.
(Mom) You mean that's it?
Couple of broken ribs, you're ready to cave in?
Gee. With a partner like you, who needs enemies?
Adi... Adios, Mom.
Believe me,
you deserve to get every bit of your cash back.
It's just that I don't have it.
See Doctor Detroit, he's...
[groans]
He's your man. Oh, my God.
Give me that shit.
Are you kidding?
He's for real.
I gotta find out more about this Doctor.
Hey, what's that black chick who works for Smooth?
Um, Thelma.
Get her busted.
I wanna see just how good this Doctor
takes care of his people.
She's busted. Let's do it.
Look out, asshole.
Thank you, man, thank you.
[Chuckling]
Oh, yes.
##[Music playing]
Okay, Mr. Finkelman.
Uh, we have you one-way first class,
Air Togo to the Cook Islands,
then local service to Rarotonga.
Are you sure you want this just one-way?
Right, sweetheart, one-way, no return.
(man #1) In the financial briefing, you'll see
that each person has their own report
as well as what is theirs...
(man #2) Now, Arthur, if we just...
Now, may I have your attention, please,
to ltem 6 on the agenda which is the alumni dinner?
As customary, we will be at the Excelsior Hotel
in the Orchid Room.
Cliff will introduce Harmon Rousehorn.
[Clifford snorts] Cliff?
Cliff, may we have your attention, please?
Oh, ahem...
I'm sorry, uh, go ahead, sir.
Uh, the president emeritus
will present the honorary degree.
Uh, Mr. Rousehorn will make a few brief remarks
and then present the college with the endowment check
for the Harold Robbins Chair.
Are there any questions?
Will there be a fruit cup? Yes.
Will there be a choice of vegetables?
No.
Last year there wasn't any fruit cup
[telephone ringing] And the shrimp were off.
This year there will be a fruit cup.
Uh, this is Chancellor Skridlow.
(Jasmine) Hello? Criff? Criff?
Uh, Cliff, I believe this is for you.
Would you please make it snappy, son?
Uh, this is Criff, uh, Cliff.
Cliff, good morning.
I'm still tingling from last night.
Oh, but something terrible has happened.
You have to help me.
Um, uh um, M-M-Miss Wu, I'm... I'm... I'm in a meeting,
uh, per... perhaps we can discuss this in... in class.
(Monica) Cliff...
(Karen) Class, my ass. Give me that.
Excuse me, please.
Uh...
Uh, what is it?
Thelma's in jail and Smooth's gone
so you gotta help us...
Give me that phone.
Hi, Cliff, it's me, Karen.
First things first, You're gonna have to
get over here as fast as you can
and help us out. This is an emergency...
I've no time. Thanks.
I'm so sorry.
[Men mumbling] Where were we?
Uh, now obviously there is no need
to stress the importance
of the Rousehorn endowment...
[telephone ringing]
Hello?
(Karen) Hey, Cliff, what's the big idea, anyway?
You know, after last night, a person would think, well...
What, were you using us?
Uh, uh, listen, I'm in a very important meeting right now
with the faculty of my college
including, uh, my father, the Chancellor...
(Monica) Cliff...
He's talking about his father. Shut up.
This is Monica, birthmark...
Oh. Excuse me.
[Men muttering]
[Clears throat]
Okay, now listen, I sent Diavolo with the car...
Uh, yo, is Cliff Skridlow here?
Cliff, what's happening?
Hey, man, I'm double-parked outside.
Well, you'll just have to wait.
What the hell is going on here, anyway?
Uh, he just got here.
Uh, I'm so... I'm so sorry about these interruptions.
Are we still in session or is this a coffee break?
No, we are still in session. We gotta go, bro.
I'm coming. L... I'm coming.
I'll be there, don't worry about a thing.
I'm... I'm on my way.
Vietnamese girl. Distraught, distressed...
Uh, urgent, needs immediate faculty counseling.
Uh, I'll be back.
[Police sirens wailing]
[Police radio chattering]
[Horns honking]
[People chattering]
"301."
"Robert. E. Lee Davis-Jackson."
I don't wanna hear any more about it!
Every time I turn around, you're up here
in front of me on a traffic violation!
And if it happens one more time,
you're gonna be spending your declining years in the slammer!
Now, get out of here! Next case.
[Sighs] A southern tyrant.
Uh, pardon me, are you looking for a lawyer?
Uh, no.
Well, uh, would you like to discuss it over a drink?
I know a wonderful cozy little bar across the street.
No, thank you, I have business with the court.
Thanks anyway. Hmm.
[Crunching]
[Paper rustling]
Well, excuse me.
Sir, I have a business proposition for you.
Mmm-hmm.
Would you be willing to, uh, part with certain
elements of your unique wardrobe
for a cash retainer?
[Chuckles]
Does that mean sell my clothes?
Nah.
Lf, uh, look, i-if there were thoughts in that direction,
I mean, what sort of offer are we kind of talking about?
Well, I wouldn't want to insult you...
You can't insult me. You see, I'm a lawyer.
Talk best price.
(judge) I have repeatedly warned counsel
not to provoke the court with all this...
Is this Department 20 and one?
[Shushing]
Step aside, lackey, or you'll be eating my boot!
[All murmuring]
What is going on?
Exactly, your honor, what is going on?
When a flower of the South,
a decent girl with a beautiful good family
is arrested
on her way home from her niece's confirmation
and booked and incarcerated
like a common woman of the streets.
I'm talking about Thelma Cleland!
Of the Cleland Parish Clelands
of Bay St. Luc, Louisiana. Excuse me!
Where our father Colonel Judge Bryant Cleland
presides over the Cleland County
Fifth Circuit bench.
I demand that you release this girl right now
or you'll all taste the business end of a buggy whip!
Bailiff... Yes, sir.
Get your ass over here!
You got a case number?
Yes, I do.
Two, zero, five, six, nine,
"A," Alpha. "R," Ranger.
(bailiff) I'll get it!
Now, just exactly
what is your relationship to the arrestee?
Uh, well, sir, the young woman is my sister!
I know you can believe that the family honor
is at stake here.
You strike me as a gentleman, sir.
Surely you must understand.
Why, of course, I understand.
My people were related to Jefferson Davis,
on my mother's side.
I knew it!
I knew it, indeed, I knew it! A son of the South.
Son of what?
O-Of the South, sir. The confederacy!
(bailiff) Uh, your honor. What?
Loitering with intent to commit prostitution,
lewd behavior, soliciting for an unlawful act.
Bail at $350, your honor.
I can't believe my ears! This is an outrage!
Let me see that thing!
This is outrageous, ridiculous! Let me see that.
Why, I demand satisfaction!
Get the arresting officer in here!
I will tar and feather the scalawag!
Now hold on, Mr. Cleland! Hold on!
I can release your sister on her own recognizance
and dismiss this case in the interests of justice.
Well, thank you. It would serve my family well.
Sir, we'd be very grateful.
Do you like shrimp? Indeed, I do.
You can come down to Bay St. Luc,
we'll cook you up a whole mess of shrimp.
We got some shrimp in that family.
How about Tampa?
Thelma!
Bud!
Come on, honey, we are going home.
And not a moment too soon.
(judge) Case dismissed.
I can't tell you the indignities I suffered here.
Thank you, my father thanks you.
You're entirely welcome.
That girl is colored!
[All gasping]
Nobody colored me, I was born this way!
Come here, baby. That's all right.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye. See you later.
Diavolo could have told me you were the black person.
Bailiff, I want that man charged
with impersonating a cracker! Yes, sir.
That was just incredible!
I can't believe you did that!
How did this happen to you?
I was busted. It was an occupational...
I mean, an occasional hazard.
Come on, Cliff, I mean...
Impossible. It was never agreed,
never mentioned, never discussed!
Smooth was very clear about the whole thing.
He said, "I will be gone two or three days
and Cliff's in charge."
Have you ever even heard of Doctor Detroit?
You see, Skridlow, this guy's got to be a big man.
He's got to be cool.
He's a partner, like Mom, but only worse, brother!
Mom? A-A-Are you saying
someone's mother is involved in all this?
Yes!
[All chuckling]
Oh, boy. Hey, check upstairs.
Okay, Mom.
This is nice. This is real nice.
A gal could be real comfy in here.
Uh...
l... I don't... don't believe that you're welcome here.
L... I think that you'd better leave.
Quiet!
Who is this twerp, huh? Doctor Detroit?
Well, I wouldn't even venture...
Don't bother.
Oh, my little stable is top drawer, high quality.
Am I gonna enjoy running these bitches.
Hey, we don't work for you.
We never have and we never will!
Oh, you just sit down!
[All clamoring]
Now listen, Smooth's gone,
which means your ass is mine, girlie.
Uh, uh, uh, p-pardon me for just... just a second.
L... I just... just wanna clarify things here.
[Stammering] Are you actually saying
that these girls are...
They're hookers
and whores.
[Both laughing]
Hey. Hey, I like this. Take it. Get this thing here.
Uh, forget that.
Oh. Hey, I like that.
Ooh, ain't that a beauty?
Ooh, I like this. Here.
[All screaming]
Hey! Okay, now, I want you to stop this! Right this instant!
Let's see what else I can find.
I mean that.
[Girls squealing]
You'll stop!
You'll take your dirty mitts off the fixtures!
Those are Doctor's orders!
Doctor Detroit.
The bad man from Michigan, himself.
I am his executive assistant. You touch any of us
and his measure of revenge will be most swift and horrible,
I can assure you of that!
Damn, Skridlow, talk some shit!
[Chuckling] I'm shivering.
Now, come on, boys, finish things up
and then you can bust junior up, here, for laughs.
I warn you!
I am extensively read in White Crane Kung Fu and Hapkido!
[Snarling]
Right, all right, get down, Skridlow.
Okay, okay, don't get your balls in an uproar.
We can always talk.
Well, then talk!
Well, not to you.
To the boss. Me and Doctor Detroit.
Face to face.
Uh, you and Doctor Detroit.
Okay, fine. I'll set up a meeting...
All right.
...between you and Doctor Detroit.
Uh, tomorrow night, at the 126th St. Graveyard. At midnight.
[Chuckling] Midnight? The graveyard?
That's kinda dramatic, ain't it?
Well, that's my offer. Take it or leave it,
Bigfoot!
[Snarling]
Come on now, cool it! Cool it!
Get down, Skridlow, with your Hapkido self.
All right! Yeah, brother, show 'em what you can do.
Well, that's it! That's my offer.
Tomorrow night, 126th St. Graveyard, midnight.
No excuses. No substitutions!
I don't talk to flunkies!
Now, I'll meet with your Doctor,
and we'll settle this shit together!
Well then, fine. If our business here is concluded, I'll kindly ask you to leave.
Leave!
Okay, come on. Get out!
Tomorrow! Get out of here, all of you.
Come on, boys.
[Clifford yelling]
Out! Scat! Be gone! Raus!
And don't let the door hit you and your collective asses on the way out!
All right, Skridlow!
[All clamoring] That Hapkido shit came in handy, brother!
You were wonderful. You were a hero.
(Jasmine) Our knight in shining armor.
So macho.
Umm. You really think so?
(all) Oh, yeah.
Look, but, w-w-w-what were they saying earlier about... about you girls?
I mean, c-c-could it possibly be...
Oh, come on, Cliff. You're a big boy.
It's a job. We're working girls.
And believe me, honey, we are the best.
[All agreeing]
You are professionals.
And Smooth was your
[stammering] Pi-pi-pi...
Does that change anything, Cliff?
[Sighing] All right, don't tell me any more.
I will be your protector, but I won't be your manager, your agent,
[stammering] Nor your pi-pi-pi...
I can't even say it. Anyway, it won't be me.
It will be Doctor Detroit.
Now, for now, we just maintain, we go on as before
until Smooth returns.
The Doctor will take care of everything.
But above all, don't tell anybody about Doctor Detroit,
nor what I am doing. Nobody.
[All chattering] I will try.
Absolutely.
This Doctor Detroit is bad. B-A-D, man.
He's badder than Larry Holmes.
He's badder than Joe Frazier.
Badder than Ken Norton.
(all) Oh. Badder than Jerry Quarry.
He's even badder than Mr. Clean!
Mom, Mom, it's all over the streets.
What?
Doctor Detroit's movin' in.
They say we are movin' out.
Oh, the hell, you say! I haven't even met the Doctor.
[Slurping]
But when I do,
[glass breaking]
He's dog meat.
Yeah.
I must do the decent thing.
[Crickets chirping]
It's such an indecent profession.
You enjoyed it, though, didn't you?
Yes, but I didn't have to pay.
What about this Doctor Detroit?
What about him?
Somebody has to do the work.
Better him than you.
You? Me?
[Sighs]
Sleep on it.
Yeah.
Okay, sleep on it.
[Owl hooting]
[Whispering] Cliff?
Oh, oh! Shh!
Be quiet.
[Clattering]
Jasmine?
What... What... What are you doing here? This is my room.
Uh, Jasmine, where are you taking me?
I'm still half-asleep.
Quick, quick.
Are... Are you listening to me? Are you listening to me?
Ooh, Ulysses S. Motherfucking Grant.
Welcome to the neighborhood, brother.
Ooh, Cliff, check out this money, man.
Cash, money.
L... I know, but... but where did all this money come from?
The old-fashioned way. We earned it!
But...
Cliffie, there are other fringe benefits.
Uh, uh... Like samples.
Oriental baths. I don't...
Swedish massages. French lessons.
I know how to speak...
Exotic, erotic, juicy adventures.
It's ridiculous!
I mean, what would men of real virtue do if they were in my position?
I'll tell you one thing, they wouldn't sit around wearin' those pajamas.
(all) Ooh. Hey!
Here's your hat, Daddy, I picked it out especially for you.
I'm dreaming.
[Men chanting] The wages of sin. The wages of sin.
Give us the money and let us come in.
The wages of sin. The wages of sin.
Give us the money and let us come in.
Judge not, Sonny, lest ye be judged.
Mark well the wages of sin!
[All clamoring]
Come home.
Father, I want... I want you and your... your parental guidance.
I need moral support.
Father, can't you do anything to stop this?
Yay! Ooh, ooh, ah, ah, ah.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ooh, ah, ooh, ah, ooh, ah.
Ah, um, mmm, mmm, um.
Clifford, I heard you had some money.
Give it to the college.
No more bucks from Uncle Sam.
It's gotta come from someplace.
It's filthy money! It's money from depraved sources!
See what money pleasure brings?
See what pleasure money brings?
Thanks, my man.
I can see where you're coming from.
She's all yours.
This is fun!
My mother's not for sale!
It's all for sale! All for sale! All for sale!
Not my mother! Not for the college!
Not for any money! Not for anybody!
Not for anything! Not my mother!
Mother, stop, please!
[All chanting] All for sale! All for sale!
Don't go, Mother! Stop!
Listen, Mother, stop!
[Screaming]
No! No, I will not sell my own mother!
Of course you wouldn't, dear.
But it's a sweet thought.
[Birds chirping]
Huh.
[Sighing] Anybody care to comment on the concept
of, uh, death before dishonor?
[Whispering]
Comments, anyone?
No? Good!
[Bell ringing]
(girl) Come on, let's go.
[All chattering]
Oh, get some sleep...
Edison used to nap in his lab for two hours,
Napoleon fought a war on four.
Greater men than me have had less sleep.
Oh.
(Arthur) Son.
Oh.
Oh, son, I'm glad you stopped by before leaving.
Leaving?
You're... You're going into the city.
Harmon Rousehorn's train is arriving at 11:00.
And you have to arrange for the caterers
for the welcome dinner here tomorrow night,
and you have to pick him up at the station.
Here. Uh, take the Buick
and, uh, get yourself together. You're a sight.
[Sighing]
[Birds chirping]
Rousehorn. Train.
Edison. Nap. Two hours.
Hey, Skridlow, what's happening, man?
Uh, uh...
L-L-L-Look, where you goin'?
Talk. Khyber's. Union Station. The train.
Rousehorn. Sleep.
What you talkin' about, man? Wait, you got a meeting
with Mom tonight at some graveyard.
Remember? You made the date, so you got to keep it.
Where's Doctor Detroit, man?
Where's Doctor Detroit?
Doc-Doctor Detroit? Yeah.
Doctor Detroit!
I'll make this phone call. I'll take care of everything.
(female operator) Information. What city, please?
Yes, for the city of Chicago.
Number of Mom's Limousine Service.
Thank you.
[Clattering]
Yes, I'd like to speak to Mom.
(Mom) Hello, yeah, yeah, this is Mom.
[Nasal voice] Oh, uh...
Uh, hey, hello, Mom.
Yeah.
Uh, this is the Doctor.
Doctor? Doctor Detroit.
Yeah. I-I-I'm sorry about the static.
I-I'm... I'm on the mobile phone in my car right now.
And, uh, I'm on my way down l-94.
Yeah, uh, yes, I came all the way down from Detroit.
I'm not very happy about it.
Now, look, Mom, about our little meeting tonight at midnight, I...
Um, i-it's not midnight. It's not midnight?
No.
Uh, I know he said that, but I can't make it at midnight!
Of course, it's short notice.
Now, you look! I mean, uh, uh,
look here, i-i-i-it's your little pink plump rump in the ringer, not mine,
so you make it 9:00, or not!
Bite it, buster!
Yeah, well, you bite it yourself, Mom!
Bye.
Say, man,
how you gonna get away with this playin'
on that uh, uh, uh, uh, shit, huh?
Fear not, Sancho. Say no more!
We must ask ourselves what would El Zorro do in a situation like this.
Or The Man of La Mancha?
Strategy. Purity. Bravery. I am many.
I am one.
Yeah, you're one crazy individual human being, man.
Come on!
(Clifford) Oh, oh, lift me up! That! I want that!
(Diavolo) What do you want that thing for?
[Sighing] Right.
This is the graveyard we agreed upon.
Um, everybody, just, uh, stay in the car.
[Crickets chirping]
[Creaking]
[Sighing]
From inside the jouster's tents,
the sound of the armorers accomplishing the knights.
Busy hammers closing rivets up, give dreadful note
of preparation.
Damn, he won't show!
Sure he will.
I'll give that son of a bitch just another five minutes.
And then what, Mom?
Well, I'll wait some more.
I got all night to kill his ass!
[Grunting]
[Clifford nasally] Uh, all right, now.
Which one of you is Mom?
[Coughing]
Punctuality is a virtue, my good madam.
Let's chew the fat.
Just what is that supposed to mean?
Oh, nothing personal, Love Chunks, but can we get to it?
You know, I hate to come down from Wayne County.
I have businesses in Lansing. I have muffler shops, chicken chains.
I got slums to collect the rent from.
I have a chiropractic practice.
I make adjustments
to the human spine!
And this little trip has cut far too much into my professional time!
I figured that since you're hustlin' my turf, we should talk.
I run this town.
[Metallic clanking]
Ah, ah, lurking in the dark. Nasty things. Come out!
Okay, fellas. Come on.
Come out.
[Clifford mumbling]
Come on out here. Yeah, that's right.
Out here where... where the Doctor can see you.
Lighten up, lighten up, come on, Skridlow.
Be cool, man. Be cool. Don't blow it, man.
(Mom) You wanna move in on me without permission,
without consideration? You gotta pay!
The Doctor doesn't pay.
That's it?
The Doctor doesn't pay and he doesn't worry.
Now, Mom, if you want trouble,
I am talking about scorched earth,
no survival, wholesale destruction.
Calm down. Please help me. I wanna live.
Oh, my God!
Body bags and fire. Trouble.
Then you just keep comin' on!
You don't know what trouble is, jerk-off!
Mom, I am going to rip off your head
and shit down your neck.
Kill him!
[Yelling]
[Bullets ricocheting]
Get after him! You go there!
[Girls screaming]
[Guns cocking]
Don't shoot! We were on our way to Leon's for some ribs
and he was hitchhiking. We don't even know this cat, man, he's crazy.
[Moaning]
Get out of here! Go on!
Hey, guys, hey, stop!
I, uh...
[yelling] Uh, I'm Clifford Skridlow! L... I teach school!
L... I don't even know these girls!
I met them at a restaurant! I have nothing against you personally!
Jesus, they're serious! They're serious!
Oh, God!
[Yelling]
Oh, God.
Whoa!
[Laughing] Yeah.
Nothing can destroy the Doctor!
Hey, come on, get him, get him, get him.
Out of the way, knave.
[Grunting]
The battle rages on! Run for your lives! Run!
Mom, you'll never catch me! Never!
Run away! Run away!
Stop him! Come on!
Oh, God, what have I done to deserve this?
[Engine revving]
[Crickets chirping]
[Clanking]
What the hell? What's this? Hey! What the hell you doin'?
What the hell...
I've got you now, Mom!
What the hell?
Here we go, Love Chunks!
Oh, yes, this one's on the Doctor.
[Snickering]
Where we going?
Come on, this isn't funny.
I don't wanna hear you anymore.
(Mom) We can make a deal! Let's make a deal.
Come on, now. (Carson) Mom!
Let me down!
(Clifford) Good night, Mom!
Oh, this man is...
[clicking]
[Mom screaming]
[Clanking]
(all) Yeah, come on, Clifford.
Drive! Drive! Nothing can stop us!
(Johnny) This will stop them!
Charge!
[Women screaming]
Onward to Union Station!
[Yelling]
[All cheering]
(man over PA system) Arriving on Track 14 from St. Louis.
Well, he's got to be there, Harmon.
He left here hours ago.
What's the matter, dear?
Clifford's late and Rousehorn's pissed!
You, uh, you're missed, uh, Harmon.
I said that we miss you very much!
Arthur, take it easy. I'll be there.
Mister, you want a taxi?
Are you a taxi?
No, jerk-off, I'm a person, but I do drive a taxi. It's right outside.
Can you take me to Monroe College?
Sure thing. Hey, Dietrich, I got a customer!
(Dietrich) I'm coming.
[Women chattering]
Mr. Rousehorn!
(all) Mr. Rousehorn!
Okay, let's try again now.
For the 200th time
you got to the train station and...
And he wasn't there, I looked everywhere.
Then where is he?
And where is the endowment check for the college?
Father, I haven't the foggiest idea. I really don't know.
Boys, you've been through this all morning. Now, have some breakfast.
No, no, no. Not until I know that Rousehorn is safe
and that check is safe with him.
Margaret, I feel that you don't understand.
We have no cash flow.
Without that check, we are over, through, finished, forget it!
Eighty-sixed, no more, history, color it gone!
Don't help. Oh, don't... don't you help.
Oh, my God, now, what is it?
Well, it's the police. See, he's dead.
Oh, I hope they found the check.
Oh, it's all right, darling. Everything's going to be fine.
Come on, now.
[Police radio chattering]
Harmon, my heavens, what happened?
Well, thank god you're safe.
He said he was on his way here.
So this is where we brought him.
Oh, you need some hot tea.
I kept the case.
[Sighing] The check is safe.
I need a shower.
Uh, I'm sorry, sir, but I've got to have that blanket back.
That's a city blanket, I signed for it.
Well, listen, there's no need, uh,
to linger out here.
Uh, welcome to Monroe.
You are in the guest room.
(Rousehorn) All I know is I need a shower.
Well, you are certainly dressed for one.
Now, tell me all about it.
How did they get your pants off?
One leg at a time.
Of course.
Did they molest you? Did you struggle?
I want all the details!
Only a benevolent deity could have prevented him
from losing that check.
Now, after dinner, he is gonna feel so much better.
What time are the caterers coming here?
Caterer?
The caterers for the welcome dinner.
Here, tonight. Rousehorn, half the faculty.
Indian food. The Khyber Restaurant. Don't you dare tell me!
Did you neglect... No! No, no, no! No, no!
It's totally under control, Dad. Everything is totally and absolutely under control.
The catering, uh, the chapatis, pappadums, raita...
Ah, ha.
Got the curry, not to worry.
Bye.
[Moaning]
Look out, gentlemen, please.
Excuse me. Coming through here!
[People chattering] Gangway!
Coming through, coming through, please look out!
(Monica) Cliff, what is it?
Catering!
Khyber Restaurant. I forgot to do it!
I had to do it, and I didn't do it!
I had seconds, minutes, hours. It's not done!
Look. Just relax, okay?
Now, what is the problem?
I lost Rousehorn, I've got these term papers to correct.
The college is on the verge of bankruptcy,
my eyes can't focus,
my tongue tastes like a skid mark,
I need some sleep.
Okay.
All right. So you sleep, okay.
Edison survived on two hours of sleep a night.
He took catnaps in his lab.
Right.
All right.
Uh, catnaps, Edison, two hours, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna sleep.
This is good. Sleep.
What do you think I should do about these papers?
Give them all a "B."
That's all they deserve anyway.
(Karen) Hello?
Hello, Karen?
Hi, Monica, what's up?
What? He needs catering? Arrangements?
Honey, "catering" is my middle name.
Karen Catering Blittstein.
Sure.
I put two sisters through gorgeous... gorgeous weddings
and I'm not talking no cocktail franks
and miniature knishes, neither.
Karen, shush!
Will you just take care of it?
I'll get there as soon as I can.
Okay, bye. I love you.
Shit. What?
I don't have time to cook.
I'm gonna have to improvise something.
This is refreshing medication.
[Laughs]
Now, then, that Harold Robbins Chair.
It's... lt's quite an endowment, huh?
More than a penny
and less than the national debt.
[Laughs] Now, then, uh, like, what amount are we talking?
I mean, I don't mean for you to be specific...
I mean, just, generally, in round numbers
what amount are we talking about?
Just about?
For that, Arthur, you'll have to wait until tomorrow.
I wanna treasure the look on everyone's face
when our corporate generosity is made public.
Absolutely. I couldn't agree more.
[Telephone ringing]
(Clifford) Oh, help, help. Oh, I'm buried alive.
[Clifford grunts]
Let me out.
[Telephone ringing]
Hello?
(woman) Cliff, where are you? It's 7:30.
What time is it?
7:30.
It is? Yes.
I'm coming. I'll be right there. I'm gone.
Hurry up.
(woman) I had no idea...
(Arthur) Son. Uh... Uh, son, before you change your clothes...
Skridlow.
Hello, Fulsom. How are you?
That boy just work, work, work.
Harmon, you don't know my son, Clifford, do you?
He's one of the bright stars of our English Department.
We've met. Not on time, but we've met.
This morning, Father, remember?
I-I'm so sorry about last night, Harmon,
um, Mr. Rousehorn, for missing your train...
It's in the past.
It is totally forgotten and forgiven.
Let's just say it's in the past.
Oh, I just know this is gonna be a lively evening.
Oh, Clifford, those girls are wonderful.
You certainly have everything under control.
Girls?
(Thelma) I think I'll take the red caviar
and put it in the round plate.
You think they'll like that, honey?
W-What's going on here? What's this?
Do you have any idea how college faculty members
[telephone rings] Eat on what we get paid?
A free meal is like honey to a bear to these people.
They'll wanna eat enough to hibernate on.
They're animals. L... I mean, where'll we get
enough Indian food to feed all of them?
Swami Diavolo's finger-lickin'
Hindu fried chicken, my friend Skridlow.
The rest, as my people say, is up to karma.
Don't worry, Cliffie.
Jesus Christ, Karen, you said this was curry.
This is not curry.
Thelma, it will be. Will you calm down?
Cliff, go upstairs and shower and change
and put something on that's nice.
Look a little GQ, would you?
Monica, go outside and schmooze with the people. Right, sarge.
Okay. Thelma, come here. I'm gonna show you.
Take the o-olive and the pimento,
make happy faces, okay?
I like that. Good. Okay, here we go.
Of course, that was in the Herbert Hoover Administration
which in some ways is similar to what we have today.
Oh, Margaret, I fail to see any similarity at all.
She's just kidding, Henry. She's a real kidder.
(Rousehorn) And I was reduced to my underwear.
It's been downhill ever since.
Oh, my goodness.
You know, you look very tired, Mr. Rousehorn.
You know, wealth and power have a way of robbing
a man of his energies, don't they?
That's very perceptive of you, Monica.
Very perceptive.
I hear we're having Indian food.
I certainly hope so.
Chapatis, huh?
Well, l... I guess they've got a few of those laid in.
Hello. Won't you excuse us, please.
You happy, gorgeous flower?
We're having a nice affair here.
Hi, how are you? Nice to see you.
It's fine, but I'm... I'm worried about the meal.
Wait till you see the entertainment.
What?
Jasmine, enter.
##[Music playing]
[Laughs] Cheers!
[People exclaiming]
Hi, Cliff.
Oh, my!
Oh.
[Laughs]
Uh, she's... she's... she's...
She's terrific. Come on.
Oh, you're ready.
I'm ready.
Okay, you set?
Set.
All right. Fire!
[All scream] Be careful now. Hold on.
There's a fire! Fire! Don't panic!
What are you doing? Stop it.
Clifford, what are you doing, man?
Stop it, please. Cliff.
Leave the arrangements to me, would you?
This shit is so unique, they're gonna love it.
They're gonna love this shit.
I panicked, I'm sorry. I panicked.
It's okay, it's okay. Just none of us eat it, all right.
[All applauding]
##[Playing]
Your dinner is now served.
Come on, everybody.
[All chattering]
Hmm. Not bad.
Beats fruit cup.
Isn't it marvelous having so many educated talents
all in one place?
Is she Indian?
I think so.
Mahatma Gandhi never had it so good.
Truly. Of course,
he wasn't that big an eater anyway.
[Both laughing]
That's funny.
Oh, sahib, follow me, brother.
[Chattering]
This is great. This is tremendous.
They're buying it.
You pulled it off. I can't thank you enough.
Hey, no problem, Skridlow. Thank me in the car, okay?
What do you mean in the car?
We have to go in to town.
What? Not me. I'm not going anywhere.
I haven't slept in days, Diavolo.
Listen, Cliff, we don't have much time, okay.
The word is on the street.
You have to make an appearance,
because the Doctor goes public in about one hour.
Are you crazy?
No, man, you're crazy.
You invented the dude, not me.
So, I guess I'll catch you in the car, brother.
Oh, come on, everyone's talking about
how you stopped Mom.
Doctor Detroit has to be on the scene, right?
(Diavolo) He has to. That's the end of it.
Uh, say, man, put this shit on.
Props are in the bag.
Oh, terrific. Bag.
I must say, though, ladies, you have given me
the most extraordinary week of my life.
Oh, sweet.
Really.
Oh, man, you know, you're gonna do good out here
in this city with that wig and metal hand.
Lime-green pants.
Duty. Honor.
And responsibility.
Hey, be the Doctor, baby.
##[Music playing]
Doctor, my man, give me five, man.
I'll give you $20 and then you can keep the change.
[All clamoring]
See you at the Players Ball, my man, huh?
All right. All right.
That was great.
What's the Players Ball?
Nothing, nothing. Be cool, be cool.
I heard you wiped Mom out.
How did you do it?
You might say I rearranged her front end.
[Women clamoring]
You know, you'll be king of the Players Ball?
Ain't no doubt about it.
You're beautiful. Terrific.
All right. What is the Players Ball
they keep talkin' about?
It's tomorrow night, honey. That's okay, I'll protect you.
Tomorrow night? I have a prior engagement.
I can't go. I can't go.
Oh, no. Where is it?
Somebody picks the place and we all show up there.
It's a subcultural event, sweetheart.
It's our responsibility to be there.
Oh, I can't be there. I can't.
Yes, you can.
[Women scream] Grab him.
What is...
Dinner.
Come on, wake him up. Give him air.
Tomorrow... Tomorrow night
is... is the college alumni dinner.
Where?
At the Excelsior Hotel, I have to be there.
I don't know where or what your Players Ball is,
but I simply cannot be in two places at once.
Yes, you can. Yes, you can. We'll take care of everything.
Now, how are we gonna do that?
Shh.
(Karen) Loosen his belt.
(Thelma) Karen, get your mind out of the gutter.
Oh, Jesus Christ, do you think this is gonna work?
Sure, it'll work. Sure.
This is Ed here. Your dime, go ahead.
Yo, Eddie. Yeah.
What's happenin'? This is Diavolo.
Oh, go ahead, Diavolo.
Listen, Eddie, if the Doctor is king, he chooses the place
where he wants to be crowned.
Well, it's gonna go down? This is it, right?
Uh-huh. Don't jive me man?
I'll tell you what it's going to be.
Uh, the Excelsior Hotel.
Excelsior Hotel.
That's downtown.
Is that right?
You're familiar with the area.
Well, I'll ask around, man.
Yeah.
Later on. The Doctor will be there.
Better be.
Later.
All right.
The Doctor's "A" Team.
First class. Top of the line.
Come on, let's get ready.
##[Bustin' Loose by Chuck Brown and Soul Searchers playing]
# I feel like bustin' loose #
# bustin' loose #
# Get, get, get, get, get, get, get on down #
Oh, it looks like a fun crowd this year.
(man) You scratched my car, motherfucker.
Insurance, my ass!
(chorus) # Get, get, get, get, get, get, get on down #
What the hell is going on?
Mother?
Oh, there's Swami Diavolo! The caterer.
Mother, that's not him, that's someone else entirely.
I have never before...
They never have a mob here.
Really?
Well, when you got a woman mayor, you...
[all chattering]
[Crowd chanting] Doctor, ooh-ooh,
Doctor Detroit.
Doctor, ooh-ooh,
Doctor Detroit.
Doctor, ooh-ooh,
Doctor Detroit.
Doctor...
What's going on in here?
...Detroit. Doctor, ooh-ooh...
Uh, not-nothing for us, Mother.
(crowd) Doctor, ooh-ooh...
What on earth is this?
What's going on?
(crowd) Doctor Detroit.
Pardon me.
Uh, uh, excuse me.
Skridlow! Hey, man, I gotta talk to you. We gotta...
Excuse me. Clifford, I see that your friend is here.
Does that mean you'll be leaving us again?
No, absolutely not.
My duty is to my home, my family,
the college, my job, and to you, sir.
He is upsetting the guests.
Will you get him out of here?
Oh! Sue and Lloyd Miller.
Can you believe this noise? You can't even think.
You have to get out of here.
You're going to ruin everything.
I have to talk to you.
Hey, man, watch out, man. You been drinkin'?
Do you hear those people over there?
They wanna see the Doctor.
[Sighs]
I can't do it. I can't leave.
I've got to introduce Rousehorn.
He's going to give money to the college.
You've got to, man.
There are four beautiful women depending on you.
The Doctor has got to be there.
Look, there is no Doctor.
There is if you believe in him, brother.
[Exhales]
All right, quick, before I change my mind.
(Diavolo) Straight through the kitchen door.
But hurry it up, man.
(Diavolo) Cliff, put the hair on. To the right.
If my parents ever see me, they'll disown me.
Check out the lining in this jacket.
You can wear it inside out.
Do the pants match?
No, they won't work. The lining's purple.
Looks just fine. Come on, move it.
Move it, man. Come on.
This is so insane.
I don't know how you made me do this.
Those underwear look nice, man.
How about these tuxedo pants?
They were Grandpa Skridlow's.
He had sensitive legs. He had to have satin near his skin at all times.
Yeah, let's move, move.
The glasses? The glasses?
You got 'em. Right here.
(man) Hey, you boys, get out of the kitchen!
(all) Doctor Detroit!
Doctor, ooh-ooh,
Doctor Detroit!
Doctor, ooh-ooh...
Say, J.B., the Doctor has arrived.
[Crowd chanting] Doctor Detroit.
##[Band playing]
Ladies and gentlemen, players and ladies,
high-lifes and low-lifes,
all you trash-with-cash,
allow me to announce the Doctor is in.
[Crowd applauding]
# Get up offa that thing #
# Dance till you feel better #
# Get up offa that thing #
# Try and release that pressure #
# Get up offa that thing #
# Dance till you feel better #
# Say it #
# Get up offa that thing #
# Try and release that pressure #
# Get up offa that thing #
# Dance till you feel better #
# Get up offa that thing #
# Try and release that pressure #
# Get up offa that thing #
# Dance till you feel better #
# Get up offa that thing #
# Try and release that pressure #
# Doctor #
# Detroit #
# Doctor #
# Detroit #
# Doctor #
# Detroit #
# Hit me #
[crowd clamoring]
# Whoo-hoo! Hit it now #
# Move it to the Doctor #
# Detroit #
# Doctor Detroit! #
# Doctor #
# Detroit #
# Get up offa that thing #
# Dance till you feel better #
# Get up offa that thing #
# Dance till you feel better #
# Get up offa that thing #
# Try and release that pressure #
# Detroit #
# Doctor Detroit #
# Come on now! #
# Doctor Detroit ##
[all clamoring]
[All applauding]
Thank you. Thank you.
I'm... I'm... I'm so, so very touched
and pleased to be honored in this way.
But, unfortunately, I have business
in... in another part of the hotel,
a prior commitment, actually a small chiropractic service
I was supposed to perform.
But, if anybody is akin here tonight
it is this man,
Mr. "Try Me." Mr. "Please, Please, Please."
Mr. "This is a Man's World."
I give you the hardest-working man in show business,
ladies and gentlemen, James Brown.
[Audience applauding]
Thank you. Thank you.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Thank you. Excuse me.
[Crowd chanting] Doctor, ooh-ooh,
Doctor Detroit.
Excuse me.
[People chattering]
Hi, Mom.
##[Humming]
I just saw someone we know. Boys.
[Exhales]
How are the hors d'oeuvres?
[Speaking Italian]
I'm so glad you could join us, Cliff.
Thanks, I'm so glad I could make it.
Hey, fruit cup.
I'll have one. Thank you.
No, I mean you, fruit cup.
Mom wants to see you right now.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen?
[Glasses tinkling]
Please, your attention. Your attention, please.
Faculty and alumni of Monroe College, and guests.
Tonight is a very special night for the college.
He's introducing him before the entrée.
And, uh, to explain why,
I'll introduce our distinguished guest of honor,
himself an alumnus of Monroe,
a philanthropist, Doctor of Humane Letters
and Chief Executive Officer and Chairman of
Rousehorn Consolidated Industries,
Mr. Harmon Rousehorn.
[Audience applauding]
You introduced him before the entrée.
Excuse me.
And, dear friends, our college...
Look out, watch it.
[People exclaiming]
##[Music playing]
# Yeah #
(Diavolo) Hey, Doctor, what's happening, baby?
What's movin' out there?
I'm proud of you.
It's imperative that we leave these premises immediately.
Why? The party's just getting started.
Say, man, what's the matter?
Why do we have to leave?
(all) Oh, mom?
That's why.
Well, who do you think?
No one starts this party without me.
Get the son of a bitch.
(girl) Hey, what's going on?
[All shouting]
Look out! Doctor on call.
Emergency house call.
Emergency! Doctor on call!
Look out!
Out of the way! Move!
I'm gonna kick your ass!
I warn you, I'm a chiropractor.
I will use my skills negatively.
There are radioactive isotopes in this bag.
Stay away!
You're dead!
You're mine, Detroit. You're mine.
[All screaming]
En garde, madame!
I have you now at a supreme disadvantage.
[Laughs]
Like hell, you have.
You're crazy.
[Grunts]
Are you nuts?
And now, in closing, I'd like to present to you
on behalf of Rousehorn Consolidated Industries,
this meager endowment.
[All applauding]
I'm so nervous. Clifford should be here.
Well, this is a, uh,
this is a great, great day for...
[both screaming]
I defy you, woman.
[Screams]
Excuse me. Excuse me, this is a private party.
(man) Who... Who are these people?
$500 on the Doctor, huh?
Excuse me, excuse me, this is a private...
[all clamoring]
[All exclaim]
It's Clifford.
Oh, my God. No.
Yes, Mother. It's me.
[All clamoring]
Okay, finish me.
I'm not afraid to die. Go ahead.
And I am fortunate in battle and merciful in victory.
Madam, I'll let the room decide.
My good people, what'll it be?
(all) No.
So be it.
You're finished in this town, Mom.
Through, banished, exiled in your community.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Doctor is a compassionate man!
Throw this trash bag out,
and never let her darken Cook County again.
[All booing]
Shut up.
My arm! My arm!
[All booing]
I'll be back.
My good people, l... I pray,
a moment of your attention here, please.
$1 million.
And I thought you were cheap.
I didn't mean cheap.
(Margaret) Clifford, you've made us so proud.
L... I thank you, sir,
and... and the college thanks you,
and my parents thank you.
And the Doctor thanks you.
But the Doctor is no more.
[Clicks]
He existed only to banish an evil presence.
Let it be known to all here that the damsels
whom Mom would've held captive are free.
My ladies, Karen, Thelma, Monica, Jasmine,
you are beholden to none.
Diavolo, my trusted comrade,
perhaps we may ride again.
For whenever intimidation and injustice
vie with decency and honor,
let the Doctors arise, and arise they must.
For within every one of us there is a Doctor.
A dormant Doctor, a supreme arbitrator
who can be summoned to intervene when crises threaten
the stabilities and well-being of our heartlands.
[All clapping]
Now, let's party.
##[Get It On And Have A Party by Pattie Brooks playing]
I have endowed a madman.
Why couldn't...
Why couldn't I have gone to Yale?
Or Syracuse even?
Why don't you tell me about it?
What's wrong, huh?
# There's gonna be a big affair tonight #
# We made it through and everything's all right #
# When times are rough and everyone feels down #
# Don't you give up, just turn the thing around #
# Hey #
[laughing]
# Just sit back and set your mind at ease #
# Call your friends and grab your own mates please #
# Get it on and have a party #
# tonight #
# Yeah #
# Get it on and have a party #
# tonight #
[people clapping]
# Don't lose your head when everyone's uptight #
# If you stay cool, you'll always win the fight #
# Just when you think there's nothin' left to do, no #
# You'll find a cure right there inside of you #
# Tonight's the night for us to twist and shout #
# Let down your hair and let it all hang out #
# Get it on and have a party #
# Hey #
# Tonight #
# Yeah #
# Get it on and have a party #
# tonight #
# Get on and party #
# Yeah #
# Get it on #
# Have a party tonight #
# Yeah #
# Oh, yeah #
# Get it on tonight #
# Yeah #
# Get it on #
# Have a party tonight #
# Tonight's the night for us to twist and shout #
# Let down your hair and let it all hang out #
# Hey, yeah #
# Tonight #
# Get it on and have a party #
# Tonight ##