片名：冰刀雙人組
我要他
吉米麥克羅伊 當他完美演出旋轉動作後
觀眾為他神迷 觀眾愛他，他也愛觀眾
世界冬季運動會
來囉
他辦到了！
這是他最好的一次
現在注意他的手
你知道我的意思
對，奔馳的孔雀 看看他揮舞得多用力
完美的範本
花式滑冰女選手中
很少有人能表現出這種美
吉米，加油，你辦得到！
結束動作展現他的柔軟度
真是太棒了！
他已到達巔峰
一生一次的精采演出 吉米麥克羅伊！
機械式的精準技巧中帶有優雅
來囉
記住 鴿子從頭到尾都藏在他身上
吉米以講求個人衛生聞名
但那樣的表演，他等著拿金牌了
當評審決定吉米的命運時…
我們來看看這位 非凡的年輕滑冰選手
他是個特別的小孩
典型的滑冰選手 要具備優雅、精準…
還要忍受巨大的痛苦
他四歲時在孤兒院時…
被一個塑造冠軍的億萬富翁 戴倫麥克羅伊看上
他培育過最成功的賽馬…
之後把焦點放在
培育有運動長才的孤兒
《錢》—給我看孤兒
他最大的收穫 就是發現滑冰神童吉米
我的童年相當平凡
有些人質疑
他父親創新的訓練方法…
這個神童被塑造成終極滑冰選手
很快吉米就席捲金牌
就像他的招牌「吉米捲髮」 席捲全國一樣
各個年齡層的小孩 都跟隨他們的偶像
帥哥吉米，冠軍，偶像，有愛心
吉米麥克羅伊，小孤兒滑冰，讚
—教練，怎麼樣？ —吉米，你太棒了
太精采了 每個動作都如同我的示範
我非常以你為榮
謝謝，爸，你覺得呢？
我們能擅自決定 炫耀你的轉體三圈？
我之前那一次跳得很好 我想可以有一點感…
感覺？我們現在談感覺？ 你怎麼教他的？
吉米！吉米！
我寄給你一杯我的血！ 你收到沒？吉米！
不要鼓勵他，來吧
走開！
他們看起來天真又可愛
但卻是細菌的溫床
—記得那些幻燈片？ —很美
你有冠軍的味道！ 你要有美國的味道！
評審的分數是…
５.９，５.９，６.０…
５.９，６.０，５.８
不錯，不錯 只要那個５.８不要拖垮我們
手給我
水果軟糖
嘿，麥克羅伊 那是你的表演嗎？
還是太陽馬戲團？
還有你太遲了
女子組獎牌已經頒過了
閉嘴，麥可斯
那個表演可以當範本了 同樣的表演
我在奧斯陸打敗你 不記得奧斯陸的事
但我記得波士頓
那種勝利的滋味…
就跟波士頓派一樣甜
靠邊站，小鬼 城裡來了新的警長
卻斯！
他來了，滑冰界的野馬 卻斯麥可麥可斯
這個牛仔的馬鞭 揮得觀眾如痴如狂！
那樣的表演要怎麼形容？
他自由發揮，他的動作，音樂
漂亮的艾克索三圈！
他得意得不得了
他知道自己在冰上有多性感
各位女士們，典型的麥可斯 贏還不夠
他要跟觀眾做愛
所以那些座位的票價才那麼值錢
他們就是要 卻斯麥可麥可斯那樣做
我要你
麥可斯剛剛公開 告訴麥克羅伊一個訊息
先生，你被點名了
歡迎到斯德哥爾摩
非常不真實，一瞬間的傑作
當你認為自己什麼場面都見過…
卻斯麥可麥可斯 卻帶來限制級的表演
居劣勢卻不會被打敗 滑冰界秘密情人…
卻斯麥可麥可斯擄獲觀眾的心…
就像典型的歐洲色情明星
趁評審評分的空檔…
我們多了解一些 這個滑冰界的放蕩小子
冰上的性感旋風卻斯麥可麥可斯
出生在底特律
問題小孩？
如果９歲小男孩 交上３５歲女友是問題
１２歲時，卻斯為了不想 一輩子走私香菸和非法煙火…
成為底特律下水道滑冰明星
唯一贏得四次全國冠軍 以及成人電影獎的選手…
冰人的高潮
但具野性魅力的他 也有溫柔的一面
他出版詩集 叫「讓我把詩灌注給你」
讓我把詩灌注給你
比賽之前我喜歡打造皮製品
美國原住民一向說
與獸皮相處能解放靈魂
這是我幫費絲希爾做的尿片包
兩個男人，只有一個優勝者
是卻斯麥可麥可斯嗎？
個人哲學：穿不穿衣服都好
希望你帶了銀器拋光水 因為那是金牌演出
真噁心
年輕人，那個演出 火辣到可以搞出小寶寶
—別站在我前面 —我要站在你裡面
麥可斯先生
帶著你的教練、家人、朋友…
到座位上等待報分數
交通警察，弄清楚 我沒有教練，也不需要
至於朋友和家人 卻斯麥可麥可斯就一個人
所以他們叫我孤獨的狼 就在背後
５.９，５.９，６.０…
我就知道
５.９，６.０…
又一個６.０！
５.８
斯德哥爾摩你們滿意嗎？
我很滿意，抽根菸吧
麥克羅伊，認輸吧
我的分數也一樣，我們平手
—你茫了 —我們平手
來自美國的…
吉米麥克羅伊和卻斯麥可麥可斯
你被開除了
我幫你拿到金牌
一半的金牌
如果我要他跟別人分 我幫他買個弟弟就好了
男子單人滑冰的兩位型男
戴上金牌他們就加入 美國另外兩位金牌選手…
雙人滑冰的 史坦茲和菲兒凡華丁堡
史坦茲和菲兒
史坦茲和菲兒凡華丁堡…
美國兄妹搭檔…
雙人花式滑冰的金牌標準
他們是瑞士滑冰金牌選手…
奧圖與艾拉的小孩
活力充沛的史坦茲和菲兒 生下來就會滑冰
他們的妹妹凱蒂在一旁加油
他們原本過著幸福的生活 直到１９８７年３月１４日…
他們的父母死於車禍
金牌選手喪生
凱蒂倖存
史坦茲和菲兒從此一蹶不振…
無法平復傷痛嗎？
意志堅定的他們…
葬禮結束幾個小時後 就重新展開訓練
今晚，觀眾為他們喜愛的 凡華丁堡兄妹歡呼
史坦茲和菲兒
金牌有多重？
史考特，金牌也許很有份量 但對我們輕如空氣…
因為夢想不會難以負荷
對，夢想在睡夢中
麥可斯和麥克羅伊呢？
兩面金牌？
對，很棒
男子單人滑冰的優勝者…
現在正在頒獎台上
這對麥可斯和麥克羅伊來說 一定是光榮的一刻
唯一比贏得金牌更棒的…
就是與自己的同胞分享
我要吐了
你有刮鬍水 和墨西哥捲餅肉的味道
對，現在站過去
不要碰我，沒有人可以碰我
—站過去就對了 —不要
台上有點推擠
卻斯麥可斯被擠下去
麥克羅伊依然對觀眾揮手
麥克羅伊也摔倒了
我不曾在國際舞台上
見過這麼低級的事
我太震驚，說不出話，吉姆
把那隻鳥拿開 不然我扭斷你的脖子
好一記頭槌！
幸運物著火了！
哦，我的天！
我們即將報導麥可斯和麥克羅伊…
全國滑冰聯盟
…在斯德哥爾摩 為自己辯護的情況
吉米，我們愛你
嘿，南西柯林根
嘿 妳真的在這裡上班？
因為妳真的讓我堅挺無比
我有性癮，我要忍受的罪
真有這種病，有醫生還有處方
我們開始吧
在委員會做出決定前…
如果你們想發表聲明…
現在就說吧
粉絲、朋友、可敬的委員們
我不知道能說什麼
但我禱告你們能原諒我
不只這樣 我禱告小朋友能原諒我
哦，我的天
—我把未來交給他們 —真是白痴
上帝保佑大家，謝謝
吉米，上帝保佑你 上帝保佑你的心
格言雜誌
最近一期
卻斯麥可麥可斯代表花式滑冰
好，知道了
根據滑冰聯盟的規定…
吉米麥克羅伊和卻斯麥可麥可斯…
聯盟取消你們的金牌…
而且終生禁止參加花式滑冰比賽
老傢伙，聽我說！
真爛
看看你對我前妻做的好事！
我要賞你後腦勺一槍
終生禁賽，那很久耶
吉米… 會有辦法的
該是重新開始的時候
—對，重新開始 —好，吉米…
—我不再領養你 —什麼？
這樣說不對
於法，你不是我的了
但結果是一樣的
我當你兒子２６年了
２２年，沒有人能怪我沒努力 我們有過美好時光
我們一刀兩斷，別拖泥帶水 對彼此都最好
吉米，如果你現在離開 我會好過點
等等！
就像膠帶，撕掉就好了 我們都會好過點
科羅拉多爭取金牌
三年半後
快來買第二場表演的票
冰上小精靈
第二場表演開始售票了
哦，老天
我恨你
我恨我的生活
哦，不！邪惡的巫師來了！
卻斯麥可麥可斯
我在評審面前表演過
我不需要了
當小朋友們看到我 戴著巫師的大頭套出場…
露出的驚奇眼神…
比什麼都讓人滿足
好，真好
嘿，小珊，不是妳想的那樣
小珊，拜託，寶貝
妳知道這就是我的風格
不，我認識你時 你是很棒的花式滑冰選手
現在你跟木林仙女們吸大麻
我不知道你到底是誰
妳活在過去，我跟木林仙女們…
我們活在此時此地
我們感覺好自由
來嘛，加入我們
寶貝，拜託，寶貝
嘿，麥可斯，來，準備了
青蛙機已經裝好了 第二場表演幾乎客滿
—你喝醉了嗎？ —沒有
但再喝這個就會
如果你在冰上不是那麼棒
我早就開除你了
—你有尿騷味 —很重？
把頭套戴好
運動用品店
感覺不對
因為我還沒綁好
想想鞋帶有三個不同的角色 會有幫助
第一是基礎
太緊了，爸！
他壓得好緊
綁好要花點時間，但值得
嘿，你在幹嘛？她說太緊了
但她是錯的
你要相信誰？ 一個小女孩還是吉米麥克羅伊？
—誰是吉米麥克羅伊？ —有什麼問題嗎？
對 這個小鬼正在蹂躪我女兒的腳
對不起，先生，吉米
滑冰區不需要你現在就去倉庫
嘿，吉米
赫克特？
你在這裡做什麼？
我有你的禁制令
那玩意兒？
吉米，你看起來好帥 你的頭髮太猛了
謝謝
你太帥了，哦，老天
你有沒有看看自己的樣子？
我好想剝下你的皮 穿它過生日，就快到了
好，聽著，很高興見到你 赫克特，我現在真的很忙
好，對不起，我說重點
—吉米，你得再滑冰 —什麼？
跟蹤過氣的選手很丟臉
我幾乎放棄你了
我跟蹤過 長得很像貓王的烏克蘭選手
我搬到烏克蘭，那裡好冷…
大家都有槍 而且有湯的味道
赫克特 我同情你，但我沒有辦法
我終生禁賽
沒那麼絕對
第１４條，第七節
「終生禁賽無法撤銷…
「滑冰選手永遠不能參加…
「聯盟 批准該選手所屬的比賽項目」
看到沒？你只是不能參加 男子單人滑冰！
你可以參加雙人滑冰
雙人
怎麼可能？
我找過很多律師上訴過很多次
因為沒有人像我這麼沉迷
吉米，祝你好運
我有一天還是會殺了你
不！是邪惡的巫師！
嘿，森林小精靈
你們這些渾蛋別想逞英雄 聽到沒？
嘿，卻斯，拜託
我是蓋瑞，你在幹嘛？
嘿，大夥兒！他是松鼠蓋瑞
聽好了，蓋瑞是我多年的朋友
兩年半來我們一起滑冰
我記得有一次在圖桑的巴士站…
蓋瑞說：「我有第三個睪丸」
該死，我吐在裡面
現實就是這樣，傳奇需要加味
我不過是洋蔥人 其實我們都是，哦，又來了
各位女士先生，進一步通知前 「冰上小精靈」將暫停演出
無法退費
來啊！丟我啊
有法律漏洞，我不能參加 男子單人賽，但可參加雙人賽
我可以參加冬季運動會
我就知道 經過三年，你還是不放棄
拜託，吉米，我展開新生活 你也應該
我是滑冰選手 我無法展開新生活…
除非再度贏得並擁有金牌
你知道找個搭檔有多難？
就算找到，還要通過全國選拔賽
只剩一個月的時間
報名再過兩天就截止
沒有那麼難
吉米，放棄吧，花式滑冰 就像無情的後母
她用巧克力和鮮花引誘你…
然後像隻死浣熊 一腳把你踢到路邊
算了，我要走了
很高興再度見面
等等，教練！
冰上小精靈試鏡 女子滑冰選手
滑冰選手試鏡
吉米麥克羅伊？
又一個優秀滑冰選手 來到小精靈的殿堂
歡迎到我的小節目
如果你要感謝我開除麥可斯 那是我的榮幸
卻斯之前在這裡？
對，很不幸，不過… 你來試鏡真是太棒了
對，不用問，我會考慮你
我不是來找工作
我是來找女子滑冰選手 跟我一起參加全國選拔賽
—你想偷滑冰選手？ —不
你想破壞我的家庭？
快滾，不然我把你丟出去
嘿，妳要去哪裡？
麥可斯
麥克羅伊
你變胖了
你看起來還像１５歲小女孩 只是一點都不辣
你毀了我的夢想
我好多年都沒有夢想了
卻斯，不要說了 不然我就賞你的醜臉一拳
今晚做個了結吧
現在是大白天，人渣
—來吧！ —你好肥！
本地滑冰粉絲賺到了…
兩位前滑冰冠軍選手大打出手…
打斷了一個兒童滑冰秀
吉米麥克羅伊和卻斯麥可麥可斯…
兩位曾經是世界頂尖滑冰選手…
今天繼續三年前沒打完的架…
粉絲們記得金牌選手
麥可斯以及麥克羅伊…
被判終生禁賽
我曾訪問過麥可斯
他是個複雜的男人
我有性癮，我喜歡女人
兩個男人一起滑冰？ 太扯了，會成為大笑柄
我不覺得有什麼好笑
如果你跟我一樣醉醺醺 就會覺得好笑
我說過要參加雙人滑冰 但兩個男的？
就算我們願意他們也不會准
沒有法規禁止你們配對
那不是我的風格 卻斯麥可麥可斯獨來獨往
也就是沒有教練和搭檔
更別說是個男的
更別說 是個被寵壞的有錢人家小孩
你不知道自己在說什麼
我知道的比你認為的多
我知道的比你知道的多
你的技巧永遠不及我
所以我在９９年和０２年 才會打敗你
技巧無法帶給你１８面金牌…
和山口終身成就獎
—我代表花式滑冰 —不要說了！
三年來 我試著忘掉你們搞出來的惡夢
看來我永遠忘不掉
也許胡言亂語中 我們能發掘美好的東西
教練，我不知道
我真的很想拿金牌，但是…
但是什麼？小子 你的搭檔找得如何？
愛耍酷，有什麼好笑的？
你很滿意 跟那些開價１５塊的妓女搞？
我從來沒滿意過，這是詛咒
還有１２小時 全國選拔賽就要結束登記
現在我問你們一個問題
你們想不想創造歷史？
不行，這個男的托不住我的胯下
我可以，試試看
—也許我會 —你應該試試
你挑戰我？
我不是邀請你參加 滑冰聯盟聖誕節派對
—來啊！ —好啊！
我們有共識了
什麼？
歡迎回到競爭激烈的滑冰比賽
我明天早上來接你們
幫幫忙
全國花式滑冰協會
來吧，好戲上場了
史坦茲，菲兒 我是ESPN的梅麗莎凱莉
請問 你們對這次比賽有什麼看法？
一面新的金牌代表什麼？
比不上贏得美國人的心
你們有三年沒出賽了
都在做什麼？
滑冰
你們要把這次的演出
獻給全世界的小孩
對不起
—卻斯，把這個填好 —不要
要
吉米，我去拿你的
那個女的是誰？
你是說凱蒂凡華丁堡？
史坦茲和菲兒的妹妹？
菲兒和史坦茲的跑腿
很困腦對不對？
—你剛說「很困腦」？ —對，很困腦
當事情太瘋狂
腦袋就像被困住
好，來吧，大聲又驕傲
你們兩個在這裡幹嘛？
你們很清楚 我不會同意，他們被禁賽
我不是幫麥可斯或麥克羅伊報名
我是幫他們兩個報名 雙人滑冰項目
謝謝
這是各位的頭條新聞
吉米，跟粉絲揮揮手好嗎？
吉米和卻斯在一起卻沒打架？
被遺忘的對手參加雙人滑冰
兩個男的參加我們的競賽項目
史坦茲，為什麼？
為什麼這個全世界…
都知道的超級苦難 上帝不讓我們承受？
妹，我不知道 他們不過是兩個怪胎
對，媒體喜歡怪胎
害我血脈噴張
我們熱愛這項運動 他們要毀掉它的尊嚴
我不主張暴力…
但我要把他們壓倒在地 用冰刀劃開他們的喉嚨
如果你們把焦點放在滑冰上…
大家就會忘記這些宣傳花招
專注在單純的運動…
以及公平競爭的運動精神
你們又要耍詐了？
—好主意 —感覺好多了
凱蒂，這個錄影機拿去？
我不知道怎麼開機，謝謝
不，我不會再當你們的間諜
只要小心拍下他們練習的情況
去找別人
媽，妳說什麼？
妳跟爸很難過…
多年前為了載凱蒂上滑冰課 卻因車禍喪生？
我也是
記得他們活生生的樣子？
爸？
爸，我聽不到，你怎麼啦？ 你在哭？
還在？在天堂？還沒投胎？
—好，我去 —對嘛
現在妳是凡華丁堡隊的人
好，這段時間你們要住在這裡
一起滑冰，一起生活
如果要自保…
最好把鞋子脫掉 免得在巴巴里留下鞋印
我們怎麼會踩在嬰兒食物上？
—他說的是地毯？ —你是什麼東西？地毯博士？
—也許我是 —我是地毯大師
—那是什麼東西？ —閉嘴脫鞋
—上下舖？ —我要自己一個房間
我什麼都要自己的 晚上是我的黑暗時光
白痴，對每個人都是
對阿拉斯加人或戴夜光鏡的人 就不是
別再吵了
從現在起，你們是一組，懂嗎？
你們吃喝拉撒睡都要在一起
你們要一起報稅
從現在起就練習，不要再說了
我才剛放好
我也需要洗手檯的空間
鬃毛與尾巴，這是用來洗馬的？ —對
你用這個洗頭髮？
「展現光澤」真的有效嗎？
那還用說
讓我的頭髮在冰上 像獵戶座的腰帶閃閃發光
然後我用這把梳子梳一百下頭髮
好酷的梳子
不只是梳子，是維特可利
義大利手工製造 是非法鯨魚骨做的
一年只生產１１把
這把要一萬兩千塊或三千萬里拉
完美平衡，拉力輕，扭矩最小
多小？
我打賭你想知道
鬃毛與尾巴洗髮精可以隨你用…
但別想用我的維特可利
因為我會扁你
不誇張…
我愛這把梳子勝過小寶寶
我要睡上舖
—我心裡先訂了 —你不能那樣，那樣不算
算，吉米，習慣吧
你在卻斯的世界
發號施令的永遠是我
不能每次都是你發號施令
這是什麼地方？有魚的味道
太棒了
這裡的冰沒有處理過
—暖身室呢？ —這裡沒有
這裡是冷凍倉儲…
一個朋友讓我在地上噴水
教練，算你厲害
結果還不錯
舞姿抬舉、平壓抬舉、旋轉抬舉…
併肩跳，拋跳
這些都是雙人滑冰選手的武器
運用適當可以痛宰對手
運用不當會摔斷搭檔每根骨頭
好，華爾滋姿勢
你的手在上面
不，女生的手才在上面
對，你就是
我不是女的，我比較有力
我比較有力，而且沒有陰道
才怪，看你的肥屁股
肥屁股？
這真的不重要，只是華爾滋姿勢
一個人把手…
看到沒？完美的胸肌 二頭肌和三頭肌
下來
等一下要用到手的力量，快
好
好，我也能耍酷
你自以為很厲害？ 我不肥，我可以這樣
—卻斯，把冰鞋穿上 —太遲了，已經脫掉了
—看，我像閃電 —把鞋穿上
你在幹嘛？
—對，老天，好燙 —是嗎？
把衣服穿上
—該死！吉米！ —看我的火辣超級冰上滑步
—滑啊 —我會
無所謂，因為你胸前平坦
你當女的
—什麼？ —麥克羅伊，我的漂亮小姐
—等等，為什麼？ —因為你叫聲很像！
還有誰也舉不起你的肥屁股 現在起你要節食
—什麼？ —來吧！快！
因為我的大腿肌肉強壯嗎？
給我一個小餐包好嗎？
你還有五英哩 然後就可以吃堅果棒
拜託
教練，我在想用什麼音樂
我們選黑眼豆豆的 〝小姐努力幹〞
你要拿那些垃圾怎麼辦 我後車箱的垃圾
我要把你灌醉 把你灌醉，讓小姐努力幹
我努力，我努力 我可愛的小姐努力幹
我不要用〝小姐努力幹〞的音樂
我連什麼意思都不懂
沒有人懂 但很有挑逗性
—不，沒有，很噁心 —觀眾會很興奮
夠了！你們怎麼老是吵個不停？
你什麼也沒看見！
—教練！ —閉嘴！
丟些雞肉給我！
兩個男的一起
你要這樣做？
為什麼不行？
我要你幫忙，怎麼樣？
我是編舞，我知道什麼？
明天帶他們到舞蹈教室
—太棒了！ —我不是魔術師，我不能保證
我盡力就是了
你們的問題是自我設限 不要再這樣
在這裡你看不出
肢體在哪裡結束，從哪裡開始
如果無法跟男的共舞 就不能跟男的滑冰
來吧，開始
吉米
對
我就知道
吉米，來吧
放開來，讓我看看你的本事
好，是個開始
臉部繃緊，如果一直這樣…
只會更難過，只要…
倒帶，我要再看一次 他一頭栽進去的畫面
不，不好好跳 就離開我的舞蹈教室
美麗的蝴蝶變成祈禱者，很好
讓他們發洩
卻斯，換吉米拉 放鬆，看到沒？放鬆
—對 —不，不
你辦到了！
對，看到沒？無暇的力量 你卻什麼也沒做
如果你旋轉時放手…
我就不用靠著地幫你挽回面子
那是即興表演 連你的肯尼吉都知道
至少他們做到了
對，但他們在五個裁判 三千萬名觀眾面前做得到嗎？
全國花式滑冰選拔賽
科羅拉多丹佛市
蒙特婁冬季運動會的前一站…
經過多年不停的訓練 最優秀的滑冰選手…
要爭取登上世界舞台的機會
那些故事都不及…
本世紀的花絮
男子雙人滑冰組合… 吉米麥克羅伊和卻斯麥可麥可斯
看得出他們今天早晨抵達時 非常焦慮…
因為滑冰團體不斷譴責
他們兩個 要把這項運動變成怪胎秀
好像花式滑冰還不夠同性戀
我告訴你，這樣看起來對嗎？
裡面沒提到男子雙人滑冰
那個金髮的是男的？哦，老天
一起看看凡華丁堡兄妹…
他們的表演即將結束…
以街頭語言 傳達備受爭議的都會文化
看看他們！他們跳得很開心
這組滑冰選手讓觀眾為之瘋狂
來吧！來吧！
哇！一如往常般完美
這兩個街舞機器…
即將靠扭腰擺臀進軍蒙特婁
搖擺年代
似乎感染了整個會場
怎麼樣！
換你們了
觀眾一直期待這一刻
他們要怎麼表演？
風格迥異的滑冰選手 之前以彼此敵對聞名…
成為滑冰史上 第一組男子雙人滑冰
如果不是麥克羅伊 嚴謹的技巧風格…
槓上麥可斯的即興演出…
就是他們共同創造偉大的音樂
以他們的形象改造這項運動
他們在笑我們
阿姆斯壯要登陸月球時 他們也笑他
現在他在上面笑他們
他們的舞曲叫火與冰
參加單人滑冰競賽時 他們一直水火不容…
現在卻配成一對？
太好了
目前為止還好
他們的第一個動作非常難 演出艾克索旋轉三周
第一次拋
跌倒了
一開始就這樣真是太糟糕了！
我比賽沒有摔倒過
來吧，手給我，我們辦得到
他們站起來了
丹佛，看著吧！
來吧！
觀眾第一次表現對他們的支持
併肩艾克索兩周！漂亮！
男子雙人組合
他們做出 其他雙人組合不敢做的動作
不可思議！
很多動作我聽都沒聽過
耶！
無法置信的結尾 不可思議的演出！
他們贏得觀眾的心！
耶！
這樣的演出 可能讓他們進軍蒙特婁…
成為這項運動 第一組男子雙人組合
他們在創造歷史
耶！
丹佛，我們愛你！
海灣的城市！約翰丹佛！
—那個火真有必要嗎？ —問問他們
—我說吧！ —很好
同性戀？
你們表現得太好了
謝謝，我是吉米
我知道，凱蒂
我知道
我喜歡妳的鈕釦
吉米，來吧，要報分數了
—祝你好運 —妳也是
他們蠻厲害的
對，真厲害，太棒了
那些動作妳都沒拍到
不要受他們影響
受他們影響？ 我們羞辱了馬基馬克
讓方基邦基失望
５.９，５.８，６.０！
我們要進軍蒙特婁！
這個激情的選手台現在充滿歡笑
大家都在說你們兩個 感覺如何？
有這個機會再度上場比賽…
我們充滿感激
麥可斯和麥克羅伊 是地獄來的載貨火車
史考特，我們會讓大家好看
我不想歡呼，但是哇！
他們靠百分之９７的腎上腺素 和百分之３的鬼扯
想拿金牌，他們要有驚人的演出
我知道你在想什麼
同樣的錯你要犯幾次？
直到我做對為止，傑西，相信我
我不要一輩子 都活在恐懼的牢籠中
早上的開始，太美了
不要這樣好嗎？我正在吃早餐
我以為你想看看滑冰選手的體格
來吧，盡量看，不要害羞
看免費，但摸就要錢
看我的刺青？
有人叫我紋身人
每個刺青都有不同的故事 就像我生命的章節
真的？那個是什麼？
那個代表龍女 你可能聽過，就是關穎珊
那是關穎珊？美國史上 動作最美的花式滑冰選手？
—你上過她？ —對
但追求完美會逼瘋一個女人
她當時準備要放棄了，高掛冰鞋…
安頓下來生幾個小孩
我不能讓她這麼做 那不是我的作風
那個騎馬的呢？
我的烏克蘭魔女
不會是奧克桑娜吧？
１６歲奪得金牌，轉戰職業賽…
１９９４年 當選芭芭拉華特最欣賞的人
對，但別被她騙了
她冷若冰霜，就像乾冰 等等，她比乾冰還冷
—什麼比乾冰冷？ —我不知道
我告訴你，奧克桑娜
肩膀上那個呢？
那個？那個沒什麼
你呢？有刺青嗎？
有一年 在藍莓嘉年華會上彩繪臉部
蠻像你的
我可以弄個刺青 我有一個很猛的
我喜歡對手凱蒂凡華丁堡
好
禁忌的愛，怎麼樣？
我不知道，但我想弄清楚
—你要幹嘛？ —我要打電話給她，不，是你
不！我辦不到，太瘋狂了
我要說什麼？
—不，我辦不到 —通了，來吧
—對不起 —也許是耐吉
凡華丁堡公司
說啊，放輕鬆
嗨，我是吉米麥克羅伊 凱蒂在嗎？
麥克羅伊要找她
什麼？找我？為什麼？
—我辦不到 —我會教你
喂？
「嗨，是我麥猛男，妳好」
嗨，是我麥克猛男，妳好
好，說：「哦，老天 我剛洗完澡出來」
—捧捧自己 —安靜好嗎？
你知道 我剛洗完澡出來
—她剛洗完澡 —我喜歡
—我等一下再打 —不！你瘋了嗎？
繼續講，說：「洗澡」？
「我也該洗個澡 因為我剛從健身房…
練完弓箭跨步回來」
我要…對，洗澡，我要洗個澡…
因為 我剛從健身房練完弓箭跨步回來
弓箭跨步一定很難，非常難
弓箭跨步很難
—〝非常難〞 —非常難
對，很難 但大腿酸痛的感覺很值得
「你知道要怎麼舒緩酸痛嗎？
「敷上甜奶油」
你知道要怎麼舒緩酸痛嗎？
敷上甜奶油
哦，我的天，你找到一頭野貓
說：「聽起來妳的奶油 需要好好攪拌」然後…
不知道妳想不想找個時間 去吃冰？
好，我喜歡
我兩年沒吃了
要性感一點
說妳要冰柱
好，今晚八點，好
「讓我有時間除胸毛」
好，今晚見
怎麼啦？她說什麼？
今晚八點，我們辦到了！
哦，我的天！
舉得好
好，聽著，你們在全國選拔賽 勉強過關
我們要怎麼贏過…
訓練多年的團體？
只有一個方法
好 你們有什麼是別的隊伍沒有的？
—兩根棒子 —沒錯
我們要做出 兩個男的才做得到的動作
之前沒有人看過
傑西，放帶子
傑西，快，放帶子
謝謝
吉米，我沒跟你說過 我以前是雙人滑冰教練
我就要獲得 訓練奧運代表隊的機會
我好想要這個機會 所以我發明了一個動作
一個全世界沒看過的動作
一個具革命性又危險的動作…
能將雙人組合送上冠軍寶座
就像許多革命性的想法…
這個動作把大家嚇壞了
所以我辭職
我把這個動作帶到一個 瘋狂到願意嘗試的地方
北韓
當然
就在竹幕後面，他們叫它…
「鐵蓮花」
看看動作多美多優雅
他們幾乎辦到了，但是…
哦，我的天
好，怎麼樣，要不要試試看？
—你瘋了嗎？ —什麼？這太瘋狂了
你們在說什麼？
經過這麼多年，我知道錯在哪裡
力學不對
他們是一男一女，所以辦不到
你們是兩個男的，應該可以
警告你們，要尊敬鐵蓮花
卻斯，你不能再當孤獨的狼
吉米，你要能即興演出
你們是最後兩塊拼圖
來吧！拼起來！
加速
加速！
吉米！腿不要彎！
快，卻斯，專注！專注！
我的卵蛋！
小心，我跟你不一樣 這兩顆有用的
是嗎？那…好…
你說得對，我下次會小心點
對不起
我無意討論你的卵蛋
沒有必要這樣說 我沒事，我反應過度了
好，兩位，起來繼續練習
來吧
從小到大我最喜歡這裡
哦，妳很漂亮
真的？我喜歡你的發光牙齒項鍊
謝謝
弗伊，再給我一個藍色的好嗎？
全國選拔賽你們表現得真好 把我哥和我姐嚇壞了
—他們要我監視你們 —真的？
所以妳才同意跟我約會？
不！
真的
我不在乎他們的輸贏 我不在乎滑冰
滑冰有什麼好？
不過就是滑來滑去表演兩個跳躍…
試著不要摔倒
還有緊身衣、亮片，自大狂
冰有什麼好
對不起
但重點不是冰 是能在冰上做什麼
在冰上我覺得要做什麼都可以
只有在冰上我的人生才有意義
妳沒滑過冰？
小時候滑過一點點
我哥和我姐不喜歡 別人偷走他們的焦點
我的一生只有焦點
妳知道我十歲的生日禮物 是什麼嗎？
六瓶蛋白雪克飲料 和男士健康雜誌
我沒過十歲生日
我姐跟我朋友說 我持槍搶劫被關起來
九歲時我爸堅持要我割包皮…
好降低風阻
我爸媽載我去上滑冰課時 出車禍死了
我哥和我姐把錯推給我…
逼我做他們的奴隸
哇
我從來沒想過那個故事很浪漫
你的約會如何？ 你的燻腸有沒有機會破冰？
好，女士們，派對結束了
離蒙特婁大賽還有兩天 我要看到鐵蓮花
好，再試一次
你會殺了他！小心冰刀！
拜託！
再試一次！
再來一次，我很接近了
歡迎收看奧比茲世界冬季運動會…
就在美麗的加拿大蒙特婁
第二十屆世界冬季運動會
現在全世界的焦點 都在這個冰上神殿…
因為全世界最優秀的選手 都來此角逐…
並展現運動光采
現在我們很榮幸帶給大家…
驚異、壯麗、繽紛的
第二十屆世界冬季運動會
你是不是曾經說過，引述…
「冰上的吉米麥克羅伊 就像沒有生命的機器人？」
—他絕對不會… —對，我說過
但我指的是機器人的準確之美
如果他們刊登全文…
他們刊登了，你還說…
「我褲頭的線頭…
「都比這個爸爸的小孩 還有個性」
好，聰明的記者先生，愛現
你知道怎麼用搜尋引擎
給你一段新的引言
卻斯麥可斯和吉米麥克羅伊 就代表花式滑冰
雙人組合讓你們更受歡迎嗎？
當然，我有全世界最好的粉絲
我是說我們有全世界最好的粉絲
不，妳走錯房間了
問得好，我們會全力以赴
太棒了！媒體喜歡他們 現在贊助商也是
凱蒂，看來妳那天晚上的約會 進行得很順利
什麼？我想是吧，幹嘛？
沒什麼 只想知道進行得順利嗎？
—對，我們一起吃冰 —太棒了，然後我們…
妳要把焦點放在卻斯身上
什麼？
麥克羅伊的心 就像妳手上漂亮的蘋果
現在妳要咬一口
—要破壞雙人組合沒什麼比… —皰疹
忌妒更有用
不，我不要讓卻斯愛上我
愛？妳要和卻斯上床
什麼？不！我不要和卻斯上床
拜託，凱蒂，做點讓人尊敬的事
掉頭就走才會讓人尊敬 我現在就要走
史坦茲，讓她走，沒關係 她下定決心了
我們就進行第二個計劃
—是什麼？ —對不起，別擔心
妳表明立場 很好，我們尊重妳的決定
如果妳男友的腳出了什麼差錯…
我不知道，膝蓋以下或腳踝以上…
至少妳做了讓人尊敬的事
—你要去哪裡？ —性癮會議
—「把弱點化為力量」 —很好
謝啦，兄弟，有個愉快的一晚
再見！
這一定是給你的
吉米，午夜到我房間，凱蒂留
很高興大家都在這裡
性癮祈禱文
我們開始吧
卻斯，你先開始好嗎？
我當時只想找到一點平靜
一個避難所 一個我覺得安全的地方
然後呢？
她是我的瑜珈老師
我知道她很柔軟
但是卻斯，你知道 這樣會讓你前功盡棄…
而且阻礙你的進展…
讓你無法控制自己的性慾 對嗎？
對，謝謝，泰勒
一點都沒錯
直到她朋友 一個按摩治療師走進來一絲不掛
卻斯，放輕鬆
拿了一大罐玉米油…
還有一隻受過訓練 會拍錄影帶的猴子
她讓我神魂顛倒
大夥兒！
卻斯，我之前要你離開過 我不想再那樣
泰勒，拜託
我們繼續吧，誰要談談性病？
梅毒、淋病之類的，我們…
嗨，對不起，我遲到了 我剛在…
性交，很忙
歡迎，歡迎
自我介紹好嗎？
我認識她
我是凱蒂
然後？
我有性癮
嗨，凱蒂
嘿，凱蒂
妳也有性癮
性，性，性，要怎麼說？
對，妳一語道破 真是好大的負擔
大家不了解我們每天經歷的掙扎
今晚到我房間 我們可以互相安慰
１１點５５分
拜託，大夥兒，分開！
上帝請賜我平靜… 別讓我跟我朋友的女友上床…
賜我勇氣，今晚回家 不要跟她上床…
賜我智慧 了解有時候手淫…
是最明智的解決方式
對，好
哦，老天
你真準時，進來
要不要香檳？
不，不行，我…
我有話要告訴妳
幹嘛？
妳有沒有浴袍或風衣 可以先屁上…披上…
對不起，我很熱
坐在床上說…
會不會舒服一點？
可能不會
這有「療背效果」
既然這樣，對我的背好
我就試試看
好，我要說了
我知道性癮是種病
哦，老天，感覺真好
哦，老天，這樣不對
吉米是我朋友，我不能這樣
這是你的真心話嗎？
對，我想是吧，不
對，沒錯 我不能這樣做
感謝上帝
—哦，上帝，真是解脫 —對
他有黃金般的心腸
你這個性變態！性惡魔！
不，你誤會了
淫穢！淫穢！
—吉米，等等！ —兄弟！
我們沒有怎麼樣！
等等！吉米！
—走開！ —吉米！不！該死
拜託，接電話
兄弟，接電話
嘿，我是吉米，有夢想就辦得到
吉米，是我卻斯
聽著，剛剛發生的事 沒什麼大不了
就當成是 我跟你女友的咪咪握手
聽著，這樣說不對 我會解釋，請回電
是我卻斯
我堅持我們的友誼
我哪裡也不會去
如果你以為我要去哪裡 那你就錯了，你知道為什麼
因為我不會讓步，永遠不會！
我贏過很多電台比賽 因為我拒絕掛電話！
如果我們參加萬聖節派對 扮成蝙蝠俠和羅賓…
我當羅賓就好 你對我就是那麼重要
這樣說真蠢，不
我不覺得那有什麼蠢 我很高興自己那樣說
嘿，臭小子
我把你所有泰迪熊…
塞在我的褲子裡
嘿，哎喲，對不起
一個月來 我的尿有棉花糖的味道
不想閉上眼睛
不想睡著 因為我想你，吉米
我不要錯過什麼
立刻回電給我！
我是吉米，有夢想就辦得到
嘿，又是我，吉米，拜託 回我電話，讓我解釋
哇，幹得好，看來有人很忙
犯罪現場
告訴你們，我沒有跟卻斯上床
好，「做愛」
我沒有跟卻斯睡覺
—什麼？ —但是恭喜你們！
—我覺得就像跟他上過床 —妳要去哪裡？
把事情講清楚！吉米要知道真相
妳不顧自己的家人？
少來罪惡感那一套
不顧我們為妳的付出？ 看看妳把爸媽怎麼啦？
爸媽沒繫安全帶…
他們不當左轉
拜託，凱蒂，不要走，我們愛妳
聽著，要靠自己了好嗎？
我們不能讓麥可斯 和麥克羅伊參加比賽…
不管代價是什麼，可能得使壞
歡迎來到第三天的 奧比茲世界冬季運動會
最優秀的中國 和蘇俄雙人組合紛紛落敗…
所以金牌的終極之爭…
只剩下兩支美國隊伍 兩隊都迫切想獲得冠軍
就看今天晚上他們在冰上的表現
最引人注目的是
雙人花式滑冰
男子雙人組合麥可斯和麥克羅伊
同性別帶來的轟動…
贏得千萬名粉絲的心
他們橫掃這項運動
渾蛋，吉米已經來了
他盯著一包口香糖看了九個小時 你對他做了什麼？
我馬上到
計程車！
世界冬季運動會 對，我是卻斯麥可麥可斯
—嘿，史坦茲 —嗨
滑冰手，請清理場地 準備進行雙人滑冰比賽
哦，我的天，妳…
對不起，卻斯，這不是個人恩怨
其實剛好相反
你在鎂光燈下的日子已經結束了
你這個瘋狂的渾蛋！
該死
妳在幹什麼？
妳這個惡魔！超級惡魔
你們一家都是！
妳哥，尤其是妳妹
我們可不一樣
如果她有我一半的女人味 她就會聽我的話…
跟你的搭檔上床
—她沒有？ —沒有
她辦不到，因為你
我不懂
噁心，讓我離開這裡！誰來救我
不管繩子是誰發明的，他是渾蛋
對不起，妹，我延誤了 我的頭髮就是弄不好
哦，該死
好
卻斯，現在誰能救你？
小麥克羅伊會來跟你碰面嗎？
太好了
嘿！你在幹什麼？
不，等等，沒關係，不
陌生人危險！
不，拜託！
卻斯，來吧！
好，史坦茲，看看我卻斯的厲害
漂亮
我來了，卻斯
拉我一把
—我不會傷害你 —卻斯，我來了！
該死，史坦茲
有沒有看見吉米？我找不到他
他剛剛還在這裡
叫他給我過來
我真的很感激
那個傢伙想殺我，謝謝
你扮演誰？羅德史林？
約翰甘迺迪
—到時候就知道 —不，不，很好，對
真遜
看你過得來嗎！
不要逼我殺了她
雪花！
來自美國的…
雙人組合史坦茲和菲兒凡華丁堡
大家最喜歡的史坦茲 和菲兒現在來到冰上
化身瑪麗蓮夢露和約翰甘迺迪
他們要將一段禁忌的愛戲劇化
我很榮幸 自己是土生土長的柏林人
美國雙人組合麥可斯和麥克羅伊…
請到冰上準備
這樣詮釋美國歷史很有趣
沒錯，我想應該提一下
這一對雙人組合在細節上的表現
道具的使用與編舞 配合得完美無缺…
兩位在肢體與美感的表現 都讓人印象深刻
滑冰史上少見的芭蕾舞演出
史坦茲與菲兒 6.0,5.9,6.0,5.9,6.0,6.0
那樣的分數 讓這兩位選手暫居領先…
接下來是麥可斯和麥克羅伊
教練！教練！ 我趕上了嗎？卻斯呢？
你到哪裡去了？
你的搭檔如果３０秒內沒到 你們就失去參賽資格
我知道，我們完了，就這樣
結束了，該死，就這樣
教練，他會來的
選手請到冰上
再２０秒就失去參賽資格
吉米麥克羅伊一個人站在冰上…
讓人忍不住想出了什麼事
這就像蒙大拿沒有米
阿里沒有弗雷澤 韓索羅沒有秋巴卡
吉米！
嘿，吉米！吉米！
卻斯！
嘿，我沒有跟凱蒂上床！
—我知道！ —我們連二壘都沒上
也許我上了
我褲子裡有很奇怪的感覺 很丟臉
我們等一下再說！
你要馬上下來…
不然我們就失去參賽資格！
凱蒂不是蕩婦！
好，我知道！不要再說了！
好！好！
選手請到冰上
再過十秒就失去參賽資格
耶！
卻斯麥可麥可斯戲劇化進場
我沒事！
我很好！
我沒事…
這是麥可斯另一個獨特的技巧
如果有必要很快就能換好衣服
女子滑冰冠軍莎夏柯恩
拿到他的護檔帶
卻斯，我愛你！
蒙特婁，世界冬季大賽
—我趕到了 —我知道你會
讓我們捕捉夢想吧
捕捉…我喜歡，你怎麼想到的？
—我不知道 —酷
—來吧 —好
史考特，他們今晚的主題 似乎與科幻小說有關
很切合，想想他們兩個 可能代表這項運動的未來
就像兩個男人從外太空發光…
徹底顛覆這個運動
燈亮了，觀眾也歡呼起來
選用冥河合唱團的歌曲
漂亮的互撞動作！
他們的每個動作都充滿戲劇性
冰刀擦出火花
更多火花！看看這裡的運動精神
沒有任何雙人組合做得到！
在蒙特婁放煙火
太驚人了
你在幹嘛？
我們自由表演 你是牛排，我是嘶嘶作響的聲音
我們沒有練習那一段
為了凱蒂 用你的熱火在冰上燃燒
麥可斯和麥克羅伊為比賽加溫
他們讓比賽大有看頭
完了
所有的贊助，全都完了
我找不到真正的工作，我毀了
老天，這個家什麼都要靠我
一個嚴重的失足 破壞原本完美的動作
只有完美演出他們才能打敗 史坦茲和菲兒
—我的腳踝骨折了 —什麼？
我用力看看
這種形意舞蹈動作
無法贏得評審的青睞
—他們在幹嘛？ —出問題了
腳踝骨折我無法表演鐵蓮花
老天，我只是個平凡人
我們交換位置
我對天發誓 如果你把我的頭切掉…
他們要表演鐵蓮花，但互換位置
老天，悲劇又要重演
他們加快速度 準備接下來的精采演出
他們可能嘗試
我從沒見過的動作
傳說中的鐵蓮花
不！不要那樣！那樣不對！ 那是自殺行為！
他們辦到了！不可思議的演出！
觀眾為之瘋狂！他們都站起來了
我沒想過會親眼看見 傳說中的鐵蓮花！
歷史的一刻就在蒙特婁
麥可斯和麥克羅伊 為傳奇注入生命
史考特，我好像尿褲子了
卻斯，我們辦到了！
—我們贏了嗎？ —我不知道
我想我看到聖母瑪莉
不，那個不是她
麥可斯先生，我們來了
—我不想死 —不會有事的
吸氣，來
我要剪開你的褲子
好，但從靠近胯下的地方開始 那裡比較容易下手
你太棒了
真的？我覺得著地很糟糕
你有練習
卻斯教我一些東西
史坦茲凡華丁堡
你因褻瀆國際商標被捕
雪花
—都是她，她害他腳踝骨折！ —什麼？
你這個白痴！
我恨妳
來吧，我們走
所以我才有性癮
因為沒有人愛過我
但我今天學到了
不該冰凍自己的心
應該敞開心胸
在冰上敞開心胸
我沒有爸爸好嗎？
但我不在乎！
因為現在我有弟弟
他就是我弟弟！
這是我弟弟新交的女友
她不是蕩婦
我好痛，好想吐
卻斯，他們要送你到醫院，來吧
不，錯過金牌的味道？
除非我死了
吉米，你辦到了！ 金牌，寶貝，你辦到了！
我要裸體掛金牌
謝謝
我有東西要給你，我上週末刺的
那是你 跟孤獨的狼一起奔跑的狼…
所以孤獨的狼就不再孤獨了
你對我就是那麼重要
你當時喝醉了
對，醉得一蹋糊塗
—歡迎加入 —謝謝
我們走吧
—現在？ —對
美國！
吉米和卻斯獲得金牌…
多虧赫克特！
赫克特，我們辦到了！
沒錯
赫克特，謝謝，多虧他
赫克特呢？
我在這裡，我們辦到了，擊掌
酷，恭喜，金牌
你們最棒了，嘿，吉米？
赫克特，怎麼樣？
讓我跟卻斯獨處好嗎？
當然，你在哭嗎？
沒有，我很好
好，我要到這裡，夾心餅
嘿，卻斯？
幹嘛？
我只想說，你們現在是搭擋了
我跟他是老朋友
你好好照顧他
我會
他喜歡吃
他喜歡做夢還有說悄悄話…
他最喜歡的電影是《霹靂五號》…
還有《油炸綠蕃茄》
看著他好嗎？
我會，相信我，擊掌
上帝保佑你
吉米甜心，你可以回來
你們在說什麼？
隨便聊聊
嘿，你們好棒
我只想說，要讓夢想繼續…
因為可以有很多夢想
美國
I'll take him.
Jimmy MacElroy. The crowd swooning as he comes out of that spin flawlessly.
They are giving him the love and he is giving it right back.
Here it comes.
And he nails it!
It's the best he's been.
Now there's the arm.
And you know what that means.
Yes. The galloping peacock. And look at him getting air on that.
Flawless. Just textbook perfection.
There are very few women in the history of this sport
that skate with this kind of beauty.
Come on, Jimmy. Nail it!
Ending the programme showing his flexibility.
What a great effort!
He couldn't skate any better than that.
The performance of a lifetime, Jimmy MacElroy!
Elegant with machine-like technical precision.
And there it is.
So important to remember that that dove was in his suit the whole time.
Jimmy's renowned for his personal hygiene, Scott.
But after that performance, he's starting to reek of gold.
While the judges decide Jimmy's fate,
Iet's take a look at this exceptional young skater.
He is a child of privilege.
A classic skater defined by elegance, precision
and an ability to endure great pain.
He was plucked from an orphanage at age four
by billionaire champion-maker, Darren MacElroy.
Once a breeder of some of the most successful racehorses in the world,
Darren had turned his attention
to nurturing athletically advanced human orphans.
His ultimate find came in the form of skating wunderkind, Jimmy.
I guess I had a pretty normal childhood.
With his father's state of the art,
some say questionable, training methods,
this child prodigy was forged into an uber skater.
Soon, Jimmy was sweeping the gold
while his trademark Jimmy curl was sweeping the nation,
with kids of all ages fashion drafting right behind their idol.
A champion, an icon, a giver.
Jimmy MacElroy, skating's Little Orphan Awesome.
-Well, Coach? -You nailed it, Jimmy. You nailed it.
You nailed it shut. Every move exactly like I showed you.
I am so proud of you.
Thanks. Dad, what'd you think?
Decided on our own to do a little flourish off the triple, did we?
Look, I knew I had it. I just felt like it needed a little...
Feeling? We're feeling now? What are you teaching this boy?
Jimmy!
I sent you a cup of my blood! Did you get my blood? Jimmy!
Please don't encourage them. Come on.
Move!
They may look cute and innocent but they're nothing
but a beehive for germs and bacteria.
-Remember the slides I showed you? -But they're beautiful.
You smell like a winner! You want to smell like...
-Ladies and gentlemen... -Jimmy!
-I'll call you! -...the judges' scores are:.
5.9, 5.9, 6.0,
5.9, 6.0, 5.8.
All right, not bad, not bad. As long as that 5.8 doesn't kill us.
Hands.
Skittles.
Hey, MacElroy. Was that your routine?
Or a performance of Cirque du So-lame?
Besides, you're too late.
They already handed out the girls' medals this morning.
Shut up, Michaels.
That was textbook execution. Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.
I was on Quaaludes. I don't even remember Oslo.
But I remember Boston,
and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie
for which the town was named.
Step aside, home school. There's a new sheriff in town.
Chazz!
There he is. Skating's outlaw, Chazz Michael Michaels.
This cowboy is cracking his whip on the haunch of this crowd, and they love it!
How do you describe something like that?
He just uses everything at his disposal. The movement, the music.
And he just nails the triple Axel!
Surfing a tsunami of swagger right now.
Well, you know he is sex on ice.
Hello, ladies. Typical of Michaels, it's not enough just to win.
He wants to make love to the crowd.
That's why those seats are so valuable.
That's what they want from Chazz Michael Michaels.
Michaels just slipped MacElroy a very public note.
You have been called out, sir.
You're welcome, Stockholm.
Unreal. An instant classic.
Just when you think you've seen it all,
Chazz Michael Michaels walks in with the unrated version.
The undefeatable underdog, ice skating's backdoor lover,
Chazz Michael Michaels has come in here and captivated this arena
Iike a stack of classic Euro porn.
And so while his scores are being tabulated,
Iet's learn a little bit more about skating's Leather-clad Lothario.
Chazz Michael Michaels, an ice-devouring sex tornado.
Spawned in the hell-fires of Motown.
Troubled childhood?
If you call being a nine-year-old kid with a 35-year-old girlfriend troubled.
At age 12, Chazz escaped a life of running cigarettes and illegal fireworks
by becoming a star in Detroit's underground sewer skating scene.
The only skater to win four national championships and an adult film award,
which is not to say this rough-hewn heartthrob doesn't have a softer side.
He recently published a book of poetry, Let Me Put My Poems in You.
Before a big competition, I like to work with leather.
The Native Americans always said
that working with hides and pelts releases the soul.
These are a couple of diaper bags I made for Faith Hill.
Two men, only one winner.
Will it be Chazz Michael Michaels?
Personal philosophy:. clothing optional.
Hope you brought your silver polish, MacElroy, 'cause that was gold.
That was disgusting.
That, young man, is how babies are made.
-Get out of my face. -I'll get inside your face.
Mr Michael Michaels,
please gather your coach, family, and friends
and move to the bench to await your scores.
Hey, traffic cop. Get this straight. I don't have a coach. I don't need one.
And as for friends and family, Chazz Michael Michaels walks alone.
That's why they call me the Lone Wolf, on my back there.
5.9, 5.9, 6.0...
That's what I'm talking about.
5.9, 6.0...
Another 6.0.
...5.8.
Was it good for you, Stockholm?
'Cause it was good for me. Let's have a smoke.
Eat that, MacElroy.
Those were the same scores I got, Einstein. We're tied.
-Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie. -You're high.
From the United States, Jimmy MacElroy
and Chazz Michael Michaels.
You're fired.
What? I brought you a gold medal.
No, you brought me half a gold medal.
If I wanted him to share, I'd have bought him a brother.
It's raining men in the men's singles. Men wearing gold, that is.
And they join Team USA's other gold medallists,
the pairs team of Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg.
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg,
America's brother and sister darlings,
the gold standard of pairs figure skating.
Children of beloved Swiss skiing gold medallists,
Otto and Ella Van Waldenberg,
the twin dynamos Stranz and Fairchild burst out of the womb and onto the ice
while their sister, Katie, cheered from the sidelines.
Theirs seemed to be a charmed life until March 1 4th, 1 987
when their parents died tragically in a car crash.
Katie would survive.
The world wondered, had Stranz and Fairchild gone into a layback spin
from which they could never recover?
But the siblings' commitment was such
that they were back in the training rink within hours of the funeral.
So tonight, the crowd cheers on their beloved Van Waldenbergs.
Well, Stranz and Fairchild,
how heavy is that gold around your necks?
Scott, this may be solid gold but to us it's lighter than air
because dreams never weigh you down.
No. Dreams are in your sleep.
What about the amazing Michaels and MacElroy?
Two gold medals?
Yeah. That's great.
Well, speaking of gold medals,
the winners of the men's singles
are taking their place at the podium right now.
This has to be a proud moment for Michaels and MacElroy.
You have to think, the only thing sweeter than winning a gold medal
is sharing it with your fellow countryman.
Gosh, I'm getting sick.
You smell like aftershave and taco meat.
Yes, I do. Now scoot over.
Don't touch me. Nobody touches me.
-Just scoot over, man. -Don't.
-Just scoot over. -You scoot over.
Now there's some jostling atop the podium
and down goes Chazz Michael Michaels.
MacElroy still waving to the crowd.
Look, MacElroy's also down now.
I have never in all my years seen anything
this disgraceful on the world stage.
I am stunned silent, absolutely silent, Jim.
You get that damned bird out of my face before I break its neck.
A perfect head butt! Down goes MacElroy!
And Spaetzle's aflame!
Spaetzle! Oh, my God!
As we prepare to hear testimony, Michaels and MacElroy
will be given a chance to defend their actions at Stockholm...
We love you, Jimmy.
Hey. Nancy Kerrigan.
You an official here?
'Cause you have officially given me a boner.
I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear.
It's a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything.
Let's get started, shall we?
If either one of you would like to make a statement
before the commission passes judgement,
you may do so at this time.
Fans, friends, esteemed members of the committee,
I don't know what I can say,
but I pray you can all forgive me.
More than that, I pray the children can forgive me.
Oh, my God.
-I place my future in their tiny hands. -That is retarded.
God bless you. God bless everyone. Thank you.
God bless you, Jimmy. God bless your heart.
Maxim.
Last issue.
"Chazz Michael Michaels is figure skating."
Boom!
All right, duly noted.
In accordance with the rules of the lnternational Skating Federation,
James MacElroy and Charles Michael Michaels,
you are to be stripped of your medals...
What?
...and banned from men's figure skating for the remainder of your lives!
Hey, you listen to me, old man!
Oh, that sucks.
Look what you did to my ex-wife!
I'm gonna pop you in the back of the head.
Banned for life. That's a long time.
Jimmy, it'll all work out.
It's time for a fresh start.
-Yeah, a fresh start. Exactly. -Good. Jimmy,
-I'm un-adopting you. -What?
I don't think un-adopting is the right word.
Legally, I'm disowning you.
But it amounts to the same thing, so...
But I've been your son for 26 years.
Twenty-two, so nobody can say I didn't try. We've had a good run.
Now, I think it would be best for all of us if we didn't drag this out. Clean break.
It would make it easier for me, Jimmy, if you left now.
Wait!
It's like a Band-Aid. Just rip it off. We'll both feel better.
Hey, everybody, get your tickets for the second show.
Second show tickets now available.
Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la We sing a grublet song
We love to roam our woodsy home Of greenery and scenery and song
Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la A grublet sings along
Oh, God.
I hate you.
I hate my life.
Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!
Boo!
I mean, I had it with skating for the judges, you know?
Just like, I don't need that.
I mean, for me, it's so much more satisfying to see the...
The eyes of a small child, seeing that wonder as they...
They see you skate out there with a big wizard head on, you know?
Nice. Really nice.
Hey, Sammy, it's not what it looks like.
Sam. Sammy, come on, baby.
You knew this was how I rolled when you met me.
No. When I met you, you were a great figure skater.
Now you're getting stoned with the Woodland Fairies.
I don't even know who you are any more.
You're living in the past, Sammy.
Come on, me and the Woodland Fairies,
we're living in the here and now.
And we're feeling so free. Come on, join us.
Baby. Come on, babe.
Hey, Michaels, let's go. Lace up. The fog machines are primed.
Second show's almost three-quarters full.
-You drunk? -No.
But this ought to do it.
I would fire you
if you weren't so goddamn beautiful out there.
-You smell like urine. -A lot?
Get your head on.
They don't feel right.
That's because I'm not finished.
You see, it helps to think of the laces as belonging to three distinct groups.
First, the foundation.
They're too tight.
Daddy! He's crushing me.
Doing it right takes a little bit longer, but it's worth it.
Hey, what are you doing? She said it's too tight.
Well, but she's wrong.
I mean, who are you gonna trust, a little girl or Jimmy MacElroy?
-Who the hell is Jimmy MacElroy? -ls there a problem here, sir?
Yeah, this kid is torturing my daughter's foot.
I'm so sorry, sir.
You know what, Jimmy? Off the skates, you're on stockroom duty, now. Let's go.
Hey, Jimmy.
Hector?
What are you doing here?
You know I have a restraining order against you.
Oh, that thing?
You look great, Jimmy. You look amazing. Your hair rocks.
Thanks.
You look so good. Oh, my gosh.
Do you look at yourself?
I totally wanna cut off your skin and wear it to my birthday. It's coming up.
Yeah, listen, it's great to see you, Hector, but I'm really busy right now.
Okay, all right, I'm sorry. I'll cut to the chase.
-You gotta start skating again, Jimmy. -What?
It's embarrassing stalking a has-been, you know what I mean?
Look, I almost gave up on you.
I started working with that Ukrainian skater,
you know the one that looks like Elvis?
And I moved to the Ukraine
and it was cold and everyone had guns and smelled like soup.
I sympathise with you, Hector. I really do, but there's nothing I can do.
I'm banned for life.
Don't be so sure.
Section 14, paragraph G,
"A lifetime ban is irrevocable and the banned skater can never again
"compete in any Federation-sanctioned tournament
"that exists in such a skater's division."
You see? You're only banned from your division, men's singles!
You can still compete in pairs skating.
Pairs.
How is this possible?
I had so many lawyers work on so many appeals.
Because nobody can obsess like I can.
Good luck, Jimmy.
And I'm still gonna kill you someday.
Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!
Hey, little forest creatures.
None of you sons-of-bitches try to be heroes. You hear me?
Hey, Chazz. Come on.
It's Gary. What are you doing?
Hey, everyone! This is Gary, the squirrel.
Now listen up. Gary's been a long-time friend.
We've been skating for two and a half years.
I remember when we were hanging out at the bus stop in Tucson,
and Gary said, "I've got a third ball. "
Damn it. I just threw up in here, people.
That's the reality. Another layer to the legend.
I am nothing but a human onion. In fact, we all are. Oh, encore.
Ladies and gentlemen, Grublets on lce will be cancelled until further notice.
No refunds will be given.
Bring it on! Let it rain down on me.
There's a loophole. I was banned from men's singles but not pairs.
I can skate in the Wintersport Games again.
I knew it. I knew after three years, you just weren't checking in.
I mean, come on, I moved on, Jimmy. You gotta move on, too.
But I'm a skater. There's nothing to move on to,
except for winning the gold again and keeping it this time.
You know how hard it is to find a partner?
Even if you did, you gotta qualify for Nationals.
That's a month away.
I mean, sign-up is in two days.
It can't be that hard. I mean...
Figure skating. Give it up, Jimmy. It's like a cruel bitch mother.
She'll seduce you with chocolates and roses
and then kick you to the side of the road like a dead raccoon.
Forget it. I gotta go.
It's good to see you.
Wait, Coach!
Jimmy MacElroy?
Another great walking through the halls of the Grublets.
Welcome to my little production.
If you're here to thank me for firing Chazz Michaels, it was my pleasure.
Chazz was here?
Yeah, unfortunately, but it's fantastic that you're here.
And yes, no need to ask, I'll consider you for a position.
I'm not looking for a job.
I'm actually looking for a female skater to compete with me at Nationals.
-Are you trying to skater poach? -No.
You trying to break up my family?
Why don't you get out of here before I throw down?
Hey, where you going?
Michaels.
MacElroy.
I see you got fat.
I see you still look like a 1 5-year-old girl but not hot.
You crushed my dreams.
Dreams? Shit. I haven't had one of those in years.
Zip it, Chazz. Zip it or I will punch you in your crap lousy face.
This ends tonight.
It's daytime, you douche.
-Now it's on! -You're so fat!
Local figure skating fans got more than they bargained for today
when a children's ice show was interrupted by a street fight
between two former champions.
Jimmy MacElroy and Chazz Michael Michaels,
once at the top of the skating world,
picked up today where they left off more than three years...
Fans remember Michaels and MacElroy as gold medallists who,
in a bizarre turn of events,
became banned from competition for life.
I had a chance to sit down with Michaels
and let's just say, he's a complex man.
I'm a sex addict and I'm attracted to women.
Two men skating together? That's a riot. That's a laugh riot.
-I don't see what's so funny. -lf you were as drunk as me, you would.
Look, Coach, I know I said I wanted to skate pairs, but two men?
Even if we wanted to, they'd never allow it.
But there's nothing in the rule book that says you can't.
That's not my style. Chazz Michael Michaels goes it alone.
Okay? That means no coach and no partner.
Especially not a dude.
Especially not the precious and pampered Richie Rich.
Would you just shut up? You don't know what you're talking about.
I know more than you think I know.
Hell, I know more than you know you know.
No, you don't. You could never keep up with my flawless technique.
That's why I floored you in '02 and the spring of '99.
Technique doesn't get you 18 medals
and a Kristi Yamaguchi Lifetime Achievement Award.
-I am figure skating. -Stop it!
For three years I've been trying to get over the nightmare you two created.
I wasn't sure I'd ever forget it.
Now maybe underneath all your bullshit, we can still find something beautiful.
I don't know, Coach.
I mean, I'm really desperate to win that gold, but...
But what? How's the partner search coming, kid?
What's so funny, Cool Whip?
You getting a lot of satisfaction from those $1 5 hookers?
I am never satisfied. It's a curse.
The registration for the National Finals closes in exactly 1 2 hours.
Now let me ask you boys a question.
Do you wanna make history?
No way. This guy could not hold my jock sweat.
I could hold it all day long. Try me.
-Maybe I will. -Maybe you should.
You challenging me, Princess?
I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's Annual Christmas Party.
-Then bring it on! -lt is on!
Good. We're in agreement then.
-What? -What?
Welcome back to competitive skating, gentlemen.
I'll pick you up in the morning.
Little help.
Here we go. Show time.
Stranz. Fairchild. Melissa Kelly, ESPN2.
So, let me ask you, any thoughts on the competition?
And what does a new gold medal mean for you?
It doesn't mean as much as winning America's hearts.
That's very important to us.
Now we haven't seen you in about three and a half years.
What have you been up to?
Skating.
Now apparently you're dedicating this performance
to the children of the world.
Sorry.
-Chazz, fill this out. -No.
Yes.
I'll get yours, Jimmy.
Who is that girl?
You mean Katie Van Waldenberg?
She's Stranz and Fairchild's sister?
Fairchild's legs and Stranz's ass.
Mind bottling, isn't it?
-Did you just say "mind bottling?" -Yeah, mind bottling.
You know, when things are so crazy,
it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle.
All right, boys. Let's go do this. Loud and proud.
What are you two doing here?
You know damn well I'm not letting either of you sign up. They're banned.
I'm not here to sign up Michaels or MacElroy.
I'm here to sign up the pairs team of Michaels and MacElroy.
Thank you.
Now there's your front page headline.
Jimmy, can you wave to the fans?
So Jimmy and Chazz together and no fighting, huh?
Two men skating together and in our division, no less.
Why, Stranz?
Why is God singling us out
for the greatest suffering the world has ever known?
I don't know, sis. Those two are nothing but a couple of freaks.
Yeah, and the media loves freaks.
Makes my blood boil.
And all they're doing is just leeching the dignity out of our beloved sport.
You know, I'm not a violent person,
but I would like to hold them down and skate over their throats.
Guys, maybe, maybe if you concentrate on the skating
people will forget all the hype
and they'll focus on the purity of the sport
and the spirit of honest competition.
You guys just want to cheat again, don't you?
-That's a good idea. -Much better.
Katie, please, will you just take this camcorder, okay?
I don't know how to turn it on. Thank you.
No, I'm not spying for you again.
We're just asking you to discreetly tape their practice routines.
Find someone else.
-What's that, Mother? -Don't.
You and Father are sad that you were killed
driving Katie to her ice skating lesson all those years ago?
Yeah. Me, too.
Remember how they used to be alive?
Papa?
I can't hear you, Papa. What are you... You're crying?
Still? In heaven? You're still dead?
-Fine, I'll do it. -Yes.
Now you're playing for team Van Waldenberg.
All right. You'll be staying here for the duration.
You're gonna skate as a pair. You'll live as a pair.
And if you're at all interested in self-preservation,
you take off your shoes before you set foot on the Berber.
Why would we step in baby food?
-He's talking about the carpet. Berber? -What are you? The Rug Doctor?
-Maybe I am. -I'm the rug master.
-What does that even mean? -Shut up and take off your damn shoes.
-Bunk beds? -I don't share rooms.
I don't share shit. The night is a very dark time for me.
It's dark for everyone, moron.
Not for Alaskans or dudes with night vision goggles.
All right, this is gonna stop right now.
From here on out, you guys are a team. Do you understand?
You are going to eat together, sleep together.
You are going to pee together.
You're gonna file a joint income tax return.
Practice starts now. End of discussion.
I just put those into order.
I need some counter space, too.
-Mane n' Tail. Is this horse shampoo? -Yes, it is.
-Do you use this stuff on your hair? -Uh-huh.
"For a lustrous coat." Does this actually work?
You bet your ass it does.
It makes my hair shine like Orion's belt out on the ice.
And then I brush my hair 100 times with this.
Cool brush.
Not just a brush but a Verticoli.
Handmade in ltaly. They carve it out of illegal whalebone.
They only make 1 1 of them a year.
This one cost me $12,000 or 30 million lira.
Perfectly balanced, low drag, minimal torque.
How minimal?
I bet you'd like to know.
Help yourself to the Mane n' Tail all you want,
but don't even look at the Verticoli.
'Cause I will knock your block off.
No exaggeration,
I could not love a human baby as much as I love this brush.
I call top.
-Sorry, I already called it in my head. -You can't do that. That doesn't count.
Yes, it does. Get used to it, Jimmy.
You're in Chazz's world now.
You know what? I permanently called shotgun.
You do not get shotgun every time.
What is this place? It smells like fish.
Sweet.
This ice has not been properly Zambonied.
-And where's the warm-down room? -We don't have any of that.
What we got is a cold storage unit
that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose.
Nice choice, Coach.
Turned out well.
The dance lift, the press lift, the twist lift,
the side by side jump, the throw jump.
All of these are weapons in the pairs skaters' arsenal.
And used properly, they can slay your opponent.
Used improperly, you can break every bone in your body.
All right, gentlemen, waltz position.
You know what, dude, your hand has to be on top.
No way. The girl's goes on top.
Yeah. Ergo. Chick.
I'm not the girl. I'm stronger.
No, I'm stronger and don't have a vagina.
You are not stronger. Watch this, fat ass.
Fat ass?
It doesn't really matter, it's waltz position.
One guy, you put your, just...
See that? It's pure pec, bicep, and tricep.
Jimmy, get off your hands.
You're gonna need those later. Now, come on.
All right.
Okay, you know what? I can do something cool, too.
Chazz. Chazz.
You think you're so tough. Huh? I'm not fat. I can do this.
-Chazz, put your skates back on. -No, it's too late. They're off.
-Look, I'm like lightning. -Put your skates back on.
What are you doing?
-Yeah. God, that burns. -Oh, yeah?
Jimmy, you put your clothes on. Jimmy!
-Damn it! -Watch my lcy Hot Super Slide.
-Do it. -I will.
It's not gonna matter 'cause you're flat in front like Ken.
You're the girl.
-What? -You're my pretty lady, MacElroy.
-Wait. Why? -Because you whine like one!
And no one can lift your fat ass. You're on a diet, starting now.
-What are you talking about? -Let's go! Come on!
Is this about my muscular, thick thighs?
Could one of you all pass me a biscuit?
You got another five miles, then you get a LUNA bar.
Come on.
So, Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine.
-Really? -We're gonna skate to one song,
one song only. Lady Hump by the Black Eyed Peas.
What you gonna do with all that junk All that junk inside my trunk
I'm gonna get you, get you drunk Get you drunk off my lady hump
My hump, my hump My lovely lady hump
I'm not skating to anything with references to lady humps.
I don't even know what that means.
No one knows what it means, but it's provocative.
-No, it's not. It's gross. -lt gets the people going.
That's enough! Why do you guys keep doing that?
You didn't see shit!
-Coach! -Shut up!
Throw me some chicken!
Two men.
Together. You're really gonna go through with this, huh?
Oh, yeah, of course. Why not?
I mean, I need your help. What do you say?
Look, I'm just a choreographer. What do I know?
Bring them by the dance studio tomorrow.
-Great! -I'm not a magician.
I ain't making no promises.
I'm just saying that I'm'a do what I can do.
Your problem is your boundaries. That ends today.
Out on my dance floor you won't know
where one man's body ends and another begins.
Because if you can't dance with a man, you damn sure can't skate with a man.
All right? So come on, let's go.
Jimmy.
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
That a boy, Jimmy. Come on.
Okay. Break it down. Show me what you got.
Okay. That's a start. That is a start.
You're tensing your face. If you tense your face,
you're gonna make it harder for yourselves.
Just enable...
Rewind it. I wanna see his head bang down again.
No. No, no. You act right or you leave my studio.
Beautiful butterfly into a prayer. Nice into...
Let them get it out. Let them get it out.
Chazz, release to Jimmy. Easy, see? Release...
-Yes. -No. No.
You nailed it!
Yes, I did. See that? Pure power. You could use a nickel's worth, junior.
Maybe if you released me at that quarter-turn,
I wouldn't have to save your ass with my landing.
It's called improvisation. Even your precious Kenny G does it.
Well, at least they're getting the moves down.
Yeah, but can they do it in front of five judges and 30 million people?
Denver, Colorado, last stop on the road
to the World Wintersport Games in Montreal.
The finest skaters from all over the country have trained tirelessly,
for years for their chance to make it onto the world stage.
But all those stories have been eclipsed now
by what many dub the Sideshow of the Century.
The male-male pair of Jimmy MacElroy and Chazz Michael Michaels.
The anxiety was palpable when they arrived this morning
as the skating community continued to voice its outrage.
Those two are turning this sport into a freak show.
As if figure skating wasn't gay enough already.
Let me show you something. Does that look right to you?
Nothing in here about two men skating.
That blonde chick's a dude? Oh, man.
Now let's join Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg
as they wind up their routine,
an edgy look at urban culture told in the language of the streets.
And boy, look at them! They are really having fun with this.
The bling is king. This pair is willing the crowd into a frenzy.
Come on! Come on!
Wow! Flawless, as always.
These two blue-eyed funk machines are going to find themselves
popping and locking their way to the championship in Montreal.
And those good vibrations seem
to have spread all the way through this arena.
What, what!
You guys are up.
And now the moment this crowd has been waiting for.
And how is this going to work?
Completely different skaters, known to be enemies of one another,
combining to be the first male-male pair team in the history of the sport.
Either the locked-in technical style of MacElroy
will not mesh with Michaels' improvisations
or they create great music together
and reinvent the sport in their own image.
They're laughing at us.
They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon.
Now he's up there laughing at them.
Well, they titled this routine "Fire and Ice. "
They've always been that way as competitors, as individuals
and now as a pair team?
So appropriate.
So far, so good.
Their first move's so difficult. Throw triple Axel.
First throw.
Man down.
What an unbelievably disastrous beginning to this routine!
I've never fallen once in competition.
Come on. T ake my hand.
We can do this.
And they're up.
Come on, Denver, get off your asses!
Let's go!
And the crowd responds.
It's the first time they've shown them any level of support.
Side by side double Axels! Beautifully delivered!
And again, a male-male pair team.
They're doing things that no other pair would dare to do.
Incredible!
So many moves in this programme I've never heard of before.
Y es!
Unbelievable finish to an incredible routine!
And they've won this crowd over!
Y es!
This might be enough to send them to Montreal
as the first male-male representatives this sport has ever seen.
History in the making.
Yeah!
We love you, Denver!
City by the bay! John Denver!
-Was the fire really necessary? -Ask them.
-That's what I'm talking about! -I'm so proud of you. Good job.
What up, homes?
You guys were great out there.
Thanks. I'm Jimmy.
I know. Katie.
I know.
I like your buttons.
Jimmy, come on. The scores are up.
-Good luck. -You, too.
Did you see that? They were actually pretty good.
Yeah, they were really good. Way to go.
None of what they did was on your video.
That's all right. Let's not let them get into our heads.
Into our head? Not only did we embarrass Marky Mark,
we let down the Funky Bunch.
...5.9, 5.9, 5.8, 6.0!
-Yes! Yes! -Oh, my gosh!
We're going to Montreal, bitch!
Well, it's all smiles here in the Crest kiss and cry area.
You're the guys everybody's talking about. How does it feel?
You know, we're just so grateful for this wonderful opportunity
to be out here on the ice again...
Michaels and MacElroy are a freight train from hell, okay?
We're going straight up the ass of the competition, Scott.
I'm not gonna say wow, but wow!
They got by on 97 percent adrenaline and three percent bullshit.
If they wanna take home the gold, they gotta do something spectacular.
Robert, I know where this is going.
How many times do you have to make the same mistake?
Till I get it right. You gotta trust me, Jesse.
I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life in a cage of fear.
Top of the morning. And it is a beaut.
Do you mind? I'm trying to eat here.
Just thought you'd like to see what a skater's body really looks like.
Go ahead, drink it in. Don't be shy.
Looking's for free. Touching's gonna cost you something.
Checking out my ink?
Some people refer to me as the lllustrated Man.
Each tattoo tells a different tale. They're like chapters of my life.
Really? So, what's that one about?
That one represents the dragon lady. You might know her as Michelle Kwan.
That's Michelle Kwan, most decorated figure skater in US history?
-You tapped that? -Sure did.
But perfection can drive a woman mad.
She was ready to quit, hang up her skates
settle down and pop out a few little Chazzlings.
I couldn't let her do it, not the way I roll.
So, what's that one with the horse?
My blonde Ukrainian she-devil.
Not Oksana Baiul?
At 16, she won the gold, turned pro,
and was named one of Barbara Walters' most fascinating persons of 1 994.
Yeah. But don't let her fool you. She's as cold as the ice she skates on.
She's like dry ice. Wait. She's colder than that.
-What's colder than dry ice? -I don't know.
I'll tell you what is. Oksana.
What about that one on your shoulder? Who's that?
That one? It's nothing.
What about you? You got any tats?
I had my face painted at the Blueberry Festival one year.
Seems about right.
Well, I could have one. I could have a killer one.
I have a crush on the enemy, Katie Van Waldenberg.
Good choice, my man.
Yeah. How's that for forbidden love?
I have no idea, but I'd like to find out.
-Wait. What are you doing? -I'm calling her. Or rather, you are.
-I can't do that. It's crazy. -It's not crazy.
What am I supposed to say?
-No, you can't. I can't. -It's ringing. Go.
-Sorry. -Maybe it's Nike.
Van Waldenberg Companies.
Talk. Relax.
Hi. It's Jimmy MacElroy. Is Katie there?
It's MacElroy, for her.
What? For me? Why?
-I can't do it. -I'll coach you. Get on the phone.
Stranz?
Hello?
Okay. "Yo. It's the Mac attack. What up?"
Yo. Hi. It's the Mac attack. What up?
Okay. Say, "Oh, my, you're just catching me getting out of the shower."
-Sell yourself. -Will you be quiet?
You know, you just caught me getting out of the shower.
-She just got out of the shower. -Oh, me likey.
-I have to call her back. This is so rude. -No! Are you insane?
-She's gonna hear you. -Get back on the phone. Say, "Shower?
"l gotta get me one of those 'cause I just got back from the gym
"doing my squat thrusts."
I gotta... Yeah, shower. I need one of those
'cause I just got back from the gym doing my squat thrusts.
"Squat thrusts must be hard, real hard."
Squat thrusts are hard.
-"Real hard." -Real hard.
"They're hard, all right. But it's worth it to get a sweet burn deep in your thigh."
It's worth it to get a deep burn in my sweet thighs.
"You know how you can soothe a nasty burn?
"Pour some sweet cream on it."
Do you know what you can do for a burn?
Pour sweet cream on it.
Oh, my God, you've bagged a wild lynx.
Okay, say, "Sounds to me like your cream needs to be whipped",
and then go...
I was wondering if you wanted to get a snow cone sometime?
What?
Yeah. I would like to get a snow cone.
I haven't had a snow cone in a couple of years, actually.
No, you have to be sexy.
Say you want a snow boner. Snow boner.
8:.00 tonight. That sounds great.
It will "get me time to get my jugs waxed."
Okay. Well, I'll see you.
What happened? What's the word?
8:.00 tonight. We did it!
Oh, my God!
Nice lift.
All right, listen up. You guys barely squeaked by at Nationals.
How are we gonna compete against teams
that have been doing this for years?
There's only one way.
Okay. What do you guys have that none of the other teams have?
-Twin dongs? -Exactly.
We have to do something that only two men can do together.
Something never seen before.
Jesse, put in the tape.
Come on. Put in the tape, Jesse.
Thank you.
Jimmy, I never told you this before, but I used to coach pairs.
I was on track to head up the Olympic squad.
I wanted it badly, so I developed a move.
A move the likes of which the world had never seen before.
A move so revolutionary, so dangerous
that it would have catapulted the team that stuck it straight to the top.
And like many revolutionary ideas,
it just scared the shit out of the establishment.
So I quit.
And I took it to the one place on earth batshit crazy enough to give it a try.
North Korea.
Of course.
Behind the Bamboo Curtain, they call it
"The lron Lotus."
Look at the grace, the beauty.
They almost have it, until...
Oh, my gosh.
Okay. What do you say, let's give it a try?
-Are you nuts? -What? That's crazy.
Come on, what are you talking about?
See, after all these years, I know what went wrong.
The physics were off.
It was a man and a woman, that's why it didn't work.
You're two men. You should be fine.
Be warned. The lron Lotus demands your respect.
She has no time for lone wolves, Chazz.
Jimmy, you've gotta be willing to improvise.
You two are the last pieces of the puzzle.
Go on! Fit them together!
Keep your speed up.
Keep it up!
Jimmy! Don't let your legs buckle!
Come on, Chazz, focus! Focus!
My nut-sack!
You gotta be careful, man. Unlike you, I actually use these things.
Oh, yeah? Well...
Well, well, yeah, you're right. I'll try to be more careful next time.
Sorry.
Look, I didn't mean to drag your balls into the discussion.
That was uncalled for. They're fine, I overreacted.
All right, gentlemen, let's get up and try it again.
Let's do this.
This was my favourite place growing up.
By the way, you look really nice.
Oh, really? I like your glitter-tooth necklace thing.
Oh, thanks.
Foy, can I have another blue one?
You guys were so good at Nationals, it scared my brother and sister.
-They wanted me to spy on you. -Really?
Is that why you're going out with me right now?
No!
Really.
I don't care if they win. I don't care about skating at all.
I mean, really, what's so great about skating, anyway?
It's basically just gliding, trying not to fall,
with a couple of jumps thrown in, right?
And Spandex and glitter. Egos.
Ice blows.
Sorry.
But it's not the ice. It's what the ice lets you do.
Out there, I feel like I can do anything.
It's the only place where life makes sense.
You've never skated?
When I was a kid, a little.
But my brother and sister don't like anyone to steal their focus.
My life was nothing but focus.
You know what I got for my tenth birthday?
A six-pack of protein shakes and a subscription to Men's Health.
I didn't have a tenth birthday.
My sister told all my friends I was in jail for armed robbery.
When I was nine, my dad insisted on having me circumcised
to minimise wind resistance.
While driving me to skating practice, my parents were in a fatal accident.
My brother and sister blame me for their death
and they force me to work for them like a slave.
Wow.
I never really thought of that as a romantic story before.
So, how'd it go with your lady? Carve up any ice with your wiener?
All right, ladies, tea party's over.
We got two days till Montreal. I wanna see an lron Lotus.
Okay, try it again.
You're gonna kill him! Watch the blade!
Come on!
Try it again!
One more. I'm really close.
Hello, and welcome, everyone, to the Orbitz World Wintersport Games
here in beautiful Montreal, Canada.
The world turns its eyes now to this frozen sanctuary
as the globe's finest athletes arrive to compete
and to revel in the glory that is sport.
And so, now we are honoured to bring you the wonder, pageantry,
and spectacle of these, the 20th World Wintersport Games.
Didn't you once say, and I quote,
"Jimmy MacElroy is a lifeless robot on the ice"?
-He would never say such a... -Yes, I did.
But I was referring to the precision and beauty of robots.
If they'd published the rest of the quote...
They did publish the rest of your quote. You go on to say,
"I've had lint at the top of my ass crack
"with more personality than that Daddy's boy." End quote.
All right, Mr Smart Reporter, showing off.
You figured out how to work the Google on the lnternet machine.
Well, here's a new quote for you, all right?
Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy are figure skating. Boom!
Boom!
Jimmy! Has pairs skating helped your popularity?
Absolutely. I have the best fans in the world.
I mean, we have the best fans in the world.
No, that's in the other room.
Boom.
Nice.
Great! Press loves them, and now so do the sponsors.
Stranz!
So, Katie, it looks like your date went really well the other night, huh?
What? I guess so. Why?
No reason. I was just wondering how it went. Did it go well?
-Yeah, we had snow cones... -Oh, that's so great.
We want you to turn your attention to Chazz now.
What?
MacElroy's heart is like a beautiful apple that's in your hand
and now you need to bite it.
-Nothing breaks up a team faster than... -Herpes.
Jealousy.
No. I'm not gonna make Chazz Michael Michaels
fall in love with me.
Who's talking about love? We just want you to have sex with him.
What? No! I am not gonna have sex with Chazz.
Come on, Katie. Do the honourable thing here.
The honourable thing is to walk away and that is exactly what I'm doing.
Okay. Stranz, let her go. It's okay. She's made up her mind.
We'll just move on to Plan B.
-What's Plan B? -I'm sorry, don't worry about that.
You stood your ground. Good for you. We respect that.
But if something should happen to your new boyfriend's leg,
I don't know, under his knee, or above his ankle?
At least you did the honourable thing.
-Where're you going? -Sex addicts meeting.
-"Turn weakness into strength." -Good for you.
Thanks, brother man. Have a good night.
See ya!
This must be for you.
So glad you're all here.
Okay, let's get started.
Chazz, would you like to start the day off by sharing?
I was just trying to find some peace.
A haven, a place where I could feel safe.
And then what happened?
Well, she was my yoga instructor.
So I knew she was limber.
But, Chazz, you realise this would just set you back
and further hurt your progress
in maintaining control over your libido, correct?
Yes. Thank you, Taylor.
Definitely.
Until her friend, a massage therapist, walked in the door naked.
Easy, Chazz.
With a big bottle of canola oil
and a monkey who was trained to work on a video camera.
And she rocked my world.
Guys!
Chazz, I have asked you to leave before and I don't wanna do it again.
Taylor, come on, man.
Let's just move on. Who'd like to talk about Chlamydia?
Syphilis, gonorrhoea, et cetera. Should we...
Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. I was
having sex. A lot.
Welcome. Welcome.
Why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself?
I know her.
I'm Katie.
And?
Oh, and I'm a sex addict.
Hi, Katie.
Hey, Katie.
Wow, so, you're a sex addict, too.
Sex, sex, sex. What can I say?
Right. Right. I mean, you said it all. It's such a burden.
I mean, people don't realise what we go through on a day-to-day basis.
Why don't you come to my room tonight and we can comfort each other?
1 1 :55 sharp.
Come on, people, break it up!
God grant me the serenity not to have sex with my friend's girlfriend
the courage to go home tonight without having sex with my friend's girlfriend
and the wisdom to know that masturbation
is sometimes the most sensible solution.
Yeah. Okay.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
You're right on time. Come in.
Would you like some champagne?
No, I can't, l...
Actually I just came by 'cause I had something I had to say to you.
What?
Do you have a bathrobe or a parka you could...
Sorry. I'm hot.
Wouldn't you feel more comfortable
saying what you need to say from the bed?
Probably not.
It's a Posturepedic.
Well, then, in that case, it's good for my back,
so might as well try it.
Okay, here it goes.
I know that sex, I know that sex addiction is a disease.
Oh, God, they feel so good.
Oh, God, this is so wrong.
Jimmy's my friend. I'm not gonna do this.
Wait. Do you really mean that?
Yes, I think so. No.
Yes, I do. I do. I can't go through with this.
Thank God.
-Oh, God, what a relief. -Yeah.
He's got a heart of gold.
You sex demon! You, you sex fiend!
No, you got it all wrong.
Impure! Impure!
-Jimmy, wait! -Hey, wait! Brother man!
-Nothing happened! -Jimmy!
Wait! Jimmy!
-Get away! -Jimmy! No!
Damn it.
Come on, pick up. Come on, buddy.
Hey, it's Jimmy. If you can dream it, you can do it.
Jimmy, it's me, Chazz.
Look, what happened back there, so not a big deal.
Just think of it as like a boob handshake between me and your lady's...
Look, that's not coming out right. I'll explain it. Call me back, please.
It's me, Chazz.
I'm committed to this thing called friendship.
And I ain't going nowhere.
And if you think I'm going anywhere, you're wrong. You know why?
Because I will not back down, ever!
I've won a lot of radio contests, because I refused to get off the line!
If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin.
That's how much you mean to me.
That was stupid that I said that. You know what? No.
I don't think that's stupid. I'm glad that I said that.
Hey, turd-face, guess what?
I've taken every single one of your teddy bears,
and I've stuffed them down my pants.
Hey, yikes. Sorry.
For about a month, my urine smelled like marshmallows.
Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep 'Cause I miss you Jimmy
And I don't wanna miss a thing
So call me back now!
It's Jimmy. If you can dream it, you can do it.
Hey, it's me again. Jimmy, please, call me back, so I can explain.
Wow! Nice work. Somebody got busy in a big way.
Scene of the crime.
For your information, I didn't have sex with Chazz.
Fine. "Make love." Whatever.
I didn't sleep with Chazz.
-What? -But congratulations!
-I feel as slimy as if I had. -Where do you think you're going?
To make this right! Jimmy needs to know the truth!
You would do that to your own family?
Don't give me that guilt trip.
After all we've done for you? After all you did to Mom and Dad?
Mom and Dad were not wearing their seatbelts
and they made an improper left-hand turn.
Come on, Katie, don't go. We love you and stuff.
Look, it's up to us, okay?
We are forced to take Michaels and MacElroy out of play, no matter what.
That might require some bad behaviour.
Hello, and welcome to day three of the Orbitz World Wintersport Games.
The best Chinese and Russian pairs have fallen away,
setting up the ultimate gold medal showdown.
Just two pairs remain. Both American. Both hell-bent on reaching the top.
And it's come down to this. Tonight, they leave it all on the ice.
The big story here is
the men's pairs figure skating team of Michaels and MacElroy.
These same-gendered sensations have taken
centre ice in the hearts of millions of skating fans everywhere.
They've literally taken this sport by storm.
Jimmy.
Jimmy's here at the arena, you ass.
He's been staring at a pack of gum for nine hours. What'd you do to him?
I'm on my way.
Taxi!
World Wintersport Games. And yes, I am Chazz Michael Michaels.
-Hey, Stranz. -Hi.
Skaters, please clear the ice in preparation for the pairs competition.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my gosh. Can you...
Sorry, Chazz. Nothing personal.
Actually, it's quite the opposite.
See, your days of stealing the spotlight are over.
You crazy bastard!
Damn it.
What are you doing?
You are evil. Pure evil!
Your whole family's evil! Your brother.
And most of all, your sister.
Don't even think about putting us in the same league.
If she was half the woman I was, she would have done her job
and slept with your partner like I told her to.
-She didn't? -No.
She couldn't, because of you.
I don't get it.
Gross. Get me out of here! Somebody help me!
Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole.
I'm late, sis. My hair is just not cooperating.
Oh, crap.
Okay.
Who's gonna save you now, Chazz?
Is Little Lord MacElroy gonna come and meet you down here?
Oh, great.
Hey, there!
What are you doing there? No. Wait, wait. It's okay. No.
Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
No, please!
Let's do it, Chazz!
All right, Stranz. Time for a little Chazzle Dazzle.
Beautiful.
I'm coming, Chazz.
Give me your hand.
-I won't hurt you. -I'm coming for you, Chazz!
Damn it, Stranz.
Have you seen Jimmy? I can't find him anywhere.
Oh, yeah. He was here a minute ago.
And if you find him, would you tell him to get his ass down here?
I really appreciate this.
That man who's chasing us is trying to kill me. So, thanks.
Who are you supposed to be anyway? Rod Serling?
JFK.
-It's gonna make sense. -No, no, no. It'll be fine. Yeah.
That's lame.
Try to get through that!
Don't make me kill her.
Snowflake!
From the United States,
the pairs team of Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg.
So, the favourites, Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg
now taking the ice.
As Marilyn Monroe and JFK,
they'll be dramatising a forbidden romance, Jim.
I take pride in the words, "lch bin ein Berliner!"
Calling for preparation on ice of the United States team
of Michaels and MacElroy.
Well, that was an interesting take on American history.
Indeed. I think it's worth noting,
the fantastic attention to detail this pair has demonstrated.
An absolutely seamless use of props integrated into choreography,
that is both physically impressive and artistically moving.
A rare ballet of ice and history.
And those scores keep Stranz and Fairchild in first place,
but Michaels and MacElroy are up next.
Coach! Coach! Did I make it in time? Where's Chazz?
Where the hell you been?
Your partner's not here in 30 seconds, I have to disqualify you.
I know, I know.
We're finished. Done. That's it. It's over. Damn it. Just like that.
Coach, he'll be here.
Skaters to the ice.
Twenty seconds to disqualification.
Jimmy MacElroy stands alone at centre ice.
And you have to wonder what is going on.
Well, this is Rice without Montana.
Ali without Frazier. Han Solo without Chewbacca.
Jimmy!
Hey, Jimmy! Jimmy!
Chazz!
Hey, I didn't sleep with Katie!
-I know! -We didn't even get to second base.
Well, maybe I did.
What I felt in my pants was weird and shameful.
Okay, we can discuss that later!
You kind of have to be down here right now
or we're gonna be disqualified!
Katie is not a whore!
Okay, I get it! Just stop talking!
Okay! Okay!
-Skaters to the ice. -Hold on!
Ten seconds to disqualification.
Wow.
Yeah!
Wow! A dramatic entrance for Chazz Michael Michaels.
I'm okay!
I'm all right!
I'm okay.
And there's another unique Michaels skill.
Out of his clothes in a hurry when he has to.
And women's skating champion
Sasha Cohen catches Michaels'jock strap.
I love you, Chazz!
-I made it. -I knew you would.
Let's capture the dream.
Capture the... I love it. Where'd you come up with that?
-I have no idea where I came up with it. -Cool.
-Let's kick some ice. -Okay.
Well, Scott, the boys seem to be using a science fiction theme tonight.
Fitting, considering these two men may very well be the future of the sport.
Well, I'll tell you something, Jim.
It's like these two men did beam in from outer space,
to flip this sport inside out.
The lights are on and so is this crowd.
A Mr Roboto to start the routine.
And they hit it beautifully!
Everything they do is drenched in drama.
Side-by-side skate clashes.
And more sparks! Look at the athleticism here!
No other pair in the world could do this!
Fireworks display in Montreal.
Incredible.
What are you doing?
We're freestyling. You're the steak, I'm the sizzle.
We didn't practise that.
Do it for Katie. Burn up the ice with your red hot love.
Michaels and MacElroy turn up the thermostat.
These guys put the "bone" in Zamboni.
It's over.
All the endorsements, everything gone.
Oh, my God, I can't get a real job. It'll kill me.
God, I have to do everything in this family.
A serious stumble in an otherwise perfect routine.
Perfection's what they need if they want to beat Stranz and Fairchild.
-I think I broke my ankle. -What?
I'm gonna put some weight on it to see.
I don't know, Scott. I'm not sure, interpretive dance moves
are gonna win these judges over.
-What the hell are they doing? -Something's wrong.
I can't do the Lotus with a shattered ankle.
I'm just a man, for God's sake.
We'll switch places.
I swear to God, if you cut my head off.
They're going for the lron Lotus, in reverse.
My God. This is happening all over again.
They're picking up speed for something spectacular.
Looks like they might be trying something
I have never seen done.
It is the fabled Iron Lotus.
No! Don't do it! I was wrong! It's suicide!
And they nail it! Unbelievable performance!
This crowd is going wild! They're on their feet!
I never thought I'd see it with my own eyes, the fabled Iron Lotus!
A historic event here in Montreal.
Michaels and MacElroy have brought the legend to life.
Scott, I seem to have wet my pants.
Chazz, Chazz. We did it!
-Did we win? -I don't know.
I think I see the Virgin Mary.
No. That's not her.
We got you, Mr Michaels. Let's go.
-Oh, I don't wanna die. -You'll be okay.
-I don't wanna die. -Take a huff of that. Here we go.
I'm gonna have to cut your pants off.
Okay, but start up near the crotch. That's a better access point.
You were incredible.
Really? I thought my landing was all bad...
You've been practising.
Chazz taught me some stuff.
Stranz Van Waldenberg.
You're under arrest for the desecration of an international icon.
Snowflake.
-lt was her idea. She broke his ankle! -What?
You idiot!
I hate you.
Come on now. Let's get out of here.
And that's why I was a sex addict.
Because no one ever loved me.
But I learned something here today.
That ice doesn't belong here.
It belongs out there.
Out on the ice in an ice rink.
I never had a father, okay?
But I don't care!
Because now I've got a brother.
This is my brother!
And this is my brother's new girlfriend.
And she is not a whore.
I'm in a lot of pain. I feel like I'm gonna barf.
Chazz, they got to get you to a hospital. Come on.
No. And miss the smell of sweet gold?
Not on your life.
Thank you.
Jimmy, you did it! The gold medal, baby! You did it!
I wanna wear the gold medal, naked.
Thank you.
I've got something I wanna show you. I had it done last weekend.
That's you, the wolf that runs with the Lone Wolf.
So that the Lone Wolf never has to be alone again.
That's how much you mean to me, bro.
You were drunk when you got it, weren't you?
Yes. Absolutely hammered.
-Welcome to the pack. -Thanks.
Let's get outta here.
-Now? -Yeah.
USA!
The gold medal has been won by Jimmy and Chazz,
thanks to Hector's idea!
We did it, Hector!
Boom! We sure did.
Thank you, Hector. He did it for us.
Where is Hector?
Here I am, guys. We did it. High-fives.
Cool. Way to go, guys. Gold medal.
You guys are the best. Hey, Jimmy?
Yeah, Hector?
Can you give me a time-out here with Chazz?
Yeah, sure. Are you crying?
No. I'm fine.
Okay. I'll go over here. Sandwich.
Hey. Chazz?
What is it? Boom.
I just wanna say you guys are partners now.
I've been friends with him forever,
and you take good care of him.
I will. Boom.
He just, he loves food.
And he likes dreams and whispers
and his favourite movie is Short Circuit
and Fried Green Tomatoes.
And just watch over him. All right?
I will. Boom. You have my word. High-five.
God bless you.
Sweet. Jimmy, you can come back.
What you guys were talking about?
Just stuff, you know.
Hey, guys, you're amazing.
I just wanna say keep dreaming
because there's a lot of dreams to be had.
USA.