(wind whistling)
- [Stalker] Richie.
Richie.
- [Richie] Help!
(anxious piano music)
Somebody, help me, please!
- [Stalker] Richie! I'm comin' for you! (cackles)
- [Richie] No!
Please!
(Richie screams)
(intense music)
(thunder cracks)
(siren wailing)
- Hey, Shapiro!
Wait'll you get a load of this mess.
Sweetly ralphed when he saw it.
- Hatchetfield's finest, huh?
Fuckin' hell.
What do we got?
- Janitor found the body this morning.
Victim's been identified as Richard Lipschitz.
Age 18.
- I leave Chicago 'cause of the blood and guts,
and what do you know?
They got 'em here too.
- Coroner puts the time of death
around 8:00 p.m. Friday night.
Multiple lacerations to the head and chest.
- They twisted his nipples off! (laughs)
(audience laughing)
- Then finished the job by drowning him in the toilet.
- Richie here got purple-nurpled and swirlied to death.
- Face down in the fucking John.
What a way to go.
- That's not all.
The killer left a little love note for us.
Penned in the victim's blood.
- "Nerdy prudes must die."
- First the Jagerman boy. Now this.
Hey, do you think they're connected?
- I don't know, Bailey.
Do Nighthawks shit in the woods?
- They shit on my car sometimes. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
Hey, Shapiro! What do you want me to do here?
We're small-town cops!
We're a little out of our depth!
(moody piano music)
Jesus.
How the hell did this happen?
♪ I'm dead ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ The blood is all but draining from my head ♪
♪ The nightmare started there but now has spread ♪
♪ My pulse is certainly dropping ♪
♪ And my life is hanging on by ♪
♪ A thread ♪ ♪ I'm scared ♪
♪ Someone comes for me I'm unprepared ♪
♪ The wait has got me sweating ♪
♪ I can't cut through all the tension ♪
♪ It's a hell on earth you know ♪
♪ I'm tweetin' all about it ♪
♪ I take it blow-by-blow ♪
♪ But I'd never scream or shout it ♪
(school bell rings)
- Passing period's over. Find your seats!
♪ High school is killing me ♪
♪ It's got me all out of rhythm and my melody ♪
♪ It's not cool it's a fallacy ♪
♪ It's a cruel and unusual brutality ♪
♪ And I can survive it ♪
♪ For only so long ♪
♪ High school is killing me ♪
♪ I'm so fucking dead ♪
All right, class. Pop quiz!
I hope you've been hitting the books.
Ms. Lauter.
- Shit.
♪ I was up all late last night ♪
♪ And I couldn't fucking study ♪
♪ Didn't want to anyway ♪
♪ I was deep in a Twitter fight ♪
♪ About a problematic puppy ♪
♪ Problematic pooch ♪
♪ I had heart palpitations ♪
♪ Trying to convert crypto to lunch money ♪
♪ There's nowhere to turn ♪
♪ For the class of 2021 ♪
♪ High school is killing me ♪
♪ It's got me all out of rhythm and my melody ♪
♪ My melody ♪ ♪ My melody ♪
♪ A cesspool faux democracy ♪
♪ It's one hell of a normal abnormality ♪
(students grunting and groaning)
♪ And I can survive it for only so long ♪
♪ For only so long ♪
♪ High school is killing me ♪
♪ I'm so fucking ♪
Hey. Hey, geek.
- Me?
- Your name's Peter, right?
- Yeah.
- Hi, Pete.
We've been in classes together for a long time, haven't we?
♪ I'm so fucking dead ♪
- Since the first grade.
- Yeah, and I'm just realizing I've never introduced myself.
I'm Stephanie.
♪ I'm so fucking dead. ♪
- Lauter, the mayor's daughter. Yeah, I know.
- But my friends call me Steph.
We're friends, aren't we, Pete?
♪ I'm so fucking dead ♪
- I don't know. Are we?
- Well, I wouldn't advertise it
to the whole school or anything.
♪ High school ♪
But there's an unspoken bond between us.
We're classmates. We're comrades.
We're Nighthawks!
And we don't leave anyone behind.
- I got left behind this morning.
Bus driver's a fucking asshole.
- Yeah, we succeed together, or we fail together.
Now I won't mince words.
I'm gonna fail this test, Peter.
Unless you help me cheat.
- Cheat?
♪ I'm so fucking dead ♪
♪ Eight o'clock bell ring ♪
♪ Place my head my desk ♪
- Come on, just finish your exam, pass it to me,
and I'll put my name on it.
♪ 12 o'clock girl scout ♪
♪ Can I just get my rest ♪
- I'll give you mine,
you get to take the test all over again.
Doesn't that sound fun?
♪ Three o'clock countdown ♪
♪ Everyday lockdown ♪
♪ Classroom arrest ♪
♪ Is god the one giving the test ♪
- Well, yeah. But won't we get in trouble?
- Please, Pete. Don't you wanna help me out?
- Oh, all right.
- Cheaters!
- Oh god. Butt out, Chastity!
♪ High school is killing me ♪
♪ It's got me out of my rhythm and my melody ♪
♪ My melody ♪ ♪ My melody ♪
♪ It's not cool it's a tragedy ♪
♪ I've been thrown to the wolves of the community ♪
(students howling and growling)
♪ And I can survive it ♪
♪ For only so long ♪ ♪ For only so long ♪
♪ And I'll still despise it ♪
♪ When I am gone ♪ ♪ When I'm gone ♪
♪ High school is killing me ♪
- Grace, just be cool!
♪ Fuck you biology ♪
- Never.
♪ High School will murder me ♪
Miss Mulberry, they're cheating!
♪ I'm so fucking dead ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
(audience cheering and applauding)
- Peter, Stephanie, principal's office, now!
- Grace Chasity! That little snitch!
Man, I hate that nerdy prude!
- Oh, god, I am dead. I am so dead.
- What's the matter?
This your first academic misconduct?
Don't sweat it. It's two hours detention tops.
- I'm not worried about the principal.
I'm worried about what the popular kids are gonna do
when they find out I was talking to you.
I don't need this kind of attention.
(audience laughing)
- Okay.
So you don't want to be bullied?
- No!
I want to be invisible.
- Then why do you come to a public school
dressed in suspenders and a fucking bow tie?
(audience laughing)
- Because bow ties are high-class.
Do you remember Travis Coulson?
- Oh yeah. That really poor kid.
Didn't he and his family starve to death?
- No. And they weren't poor.
He wore a dirty shirt once, and he got bullied so bad
that his parents had to transfer him to Sycamore.
- Sycamore? I'd rather starve to death.
- And these suspenders are to hold my pants up.
One time Brad Callahan pantsed me in sixth grade,
right in front of Sara Zimmerman.
Then she started this rumor-
- Oh my god!
You're Micro-Peter!
- Oh, god.
(audience laughing)
You're, like, famous!
Can I ask about it?
- It's not actually a micro-penis!
(audience laughing)
I was a kid. It's grown since then.
- Well, there goes your claim to fame.
- This outfit is a tapestry of my trauma.
It is designed to provoke as little teasing as possible.
- Anyone ever do this?
(suspender snaps)
- Every damn day.
(audience laughing)
My titties are tenderized.
(audience laughing)
But it's better than getting saddled
with another humiliating nickname.
I have a real name.
Peter Spankoffski.
(audience laughing)
It's Polish.
- I didn't know you were funny.
- Neither did I.
(audience laughing)
- I like funny guys.
(school bell rings)
- Oh shit.
Shit, shit, shit!
I can't let him see me talking to you!
He's creamed nerds for less!
- What? Who has?
Spankoffski! Who are you running from?
♪ Huh ♪
(intense music)
♪ He's got the hallway on lock ♪
♪ His fists are always half-cocked ♪
♪ He's got me hiding in my locker ♪
♪ He's got the face of a saint ♪
♪ That post-pubescent strength ♪
♪ The hottest girl yeah he knocked her ♪
♪ You have a girl he'll seduce her ♪
♪ You're not him you're a loser ♪
♪ It's best to drop and play dead ♪
♪ Place your hands on your neck ♪
♪ Call the feds lock the thread ♪
♪ He's straight ahead ♪
♪ You better leave your hopes behind ♪
♪ No one's gonna stop him ♪
♪ You better hope you're out of sight ♪
♪ Or you're doomed to be his victim ♪
♪ You won't defeat it's kind ♪
♪ Never look in the eye ♪
♪ He's a literal monster ♪
♪ He is juiced he is jacked ♪
♪ He's hormones on the attack ♪
♪ He's the horror in every rumor ♪
♪ I swear to god he has fangs ♪
♪ Everyone knows how he bangs ♪
♪ No one to blame if there's no accuser ♪
♪ I once was his tutor ♪
♪ Then I regarded my future ♪
♪ You better ♪
♪ Like a nighthawk he preys ♪
♪ Like a jock he cliches ♪
♪ And we pray and we pray ♪
♪ You better leave your hopes behind ♪
♪ You better you better ♪
♪ No one's gonna stop him ♪
♪ You better you better ♪
♪ You better hope you're out of sight ♪
♪ You better ♪
♪ Or you're doomed to be a victim ♪
♪ He roars ♪ ♪ He roars ♪
♪ And we cry ♪ ♪ And we cry ♪
♪ He's the reason ♪ ♪ He's the reason ♪
♪ With no why ♪
♪ He's a literal monster ♪
♪ A damn literal monster ♪
- Hey!
Shit-Lips!
- It's Lipschitz. Richard Lipsch...
(Richard stammers)
Max Jagerman.
- It's third period, Shit-Lips.
I've gotta get to remedial algebra.
(audience laughing)
Meaning I've gotta walk through this hallway,
and I don't need you stinkin' it up.
- Sorry, Max. My mistake.
I never intended to walk through your hallway.
- Oh, well, there's a difference between intent and impact.
(audience laughing)
I learned that at the anti-bulling assembly
last month, fuck-nugget!
(audience laughing)
What do you think, guys?
Should I let him off with a warning?
- Ha-ha. Yeah!
(audience laughing)
- No. Dumb-ass!
I think for this hallway infraction,
I'm gonna have to issue a Flick-It Ticket.
- No, Max! Please!
Can't you just fart on me or something?
- Oh, sorry.
I'm fresh outta your favorite food.
I think I'm just gonna have to flick it!
(Richard groans)
- My balls!
- Now move along, bitch!
- Aw, that was cool!
(both grunt)
- Hey-ho! Heck no!
Co-ed dances gotta go!
- [Kyle] Hey, Maxie!
Lookie what we have here.
- [Jason] Oh, shit! It's Chastity-belt!
She's such a nerd!
- She's such a prude!
- Yeah, she's so gross!
- Really, Kyle?
That's a hot take.
How gross is she?
- Super gross!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
She's, like, a total two-bagger!
- Oh! A two-bagger?
What's a two-bagger?
- Uh, it means that she's so ugly
that she's gotta wear two bags on her head
in case one falls off.
- Oh! That's sick, bro!
That's so fuckin' funny!
(Max grunts)
- Jesus, Max.
- Get him up! Get this fucker up!
(Kyle groaning)
Now you listen to me, you stuttering prick.
Nobody, and I mean nobody, talks that way
about Grace Chasity.
- Sorry, Max.
- Now deposit this trash into the nearest receptacle.
- Oh, please! We're trying to get the dance canceled!
Tell your teammates!
- Hey, Grace.
What're you doing?
- Getting the dance canceled.
Homecoming's just an excuse for kids to dry hump in the gym.
I run laps in that gym,
and I don't wanna slip on any wayward spunk.
(audience laughing)
- Ha ha! Ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Spunk!
(audience laughing)
You're funny.
Can I carry your books for you?
- Carry my books?
I don't think either of us are ready for that.
I mean, we're only 18.
(audience laughing)
- Chasity, come on. You're breaking my balls.
(audience laughing)
Just one little date.
- You don't know me very well, do you?
- I know that, behind closed doors,
repressed chicks are the biggest freaks.
Nuns, librarians. Watch some porn.
(audience laughing)
You'll see.
Tell me I'm wrong, dirty girl.
(audience laughing)
- Don't call me that.
- But that's what you are, isn't it?
My little dirty girl.
- I am only one man's girl, Max,
and his name is Jesus Christ!
(audience laughing and applauding)
I suggest getting acquainted with him
before you end up roasting on a spit in Hell.
Now if you'll excuse me.
Hey-ho! Heck no!
Co-ed dances gotta go!
- Oh, man! She is such a prude. (laughs)
- Yeah. Isn't she great?
- You could have any babe in school, Max.
Why her?
- Forbidden fruit, dick-hole!
It's always the sweetest.
(intense music)
And I will not rest
until I taste Grace Chasity's little peach.
♪ I roar ♪ ♪ Huh-huh ♪
♪ And you cry ♪ ♪ Huh-huh ♪
♪ I'm the reason ♪ ♪ Huh-huh ♪
♪ You run and hide ♪
♪ I'm a literal ♪
♪ Don't need no one to tell me ♪
♪ High school will be my peak ♪
♪ So I'm willing to take advantage ♪
♪ There's only one outta reach ♪
♪ Her name is Chastity ♪
♪ It's a wound I can help her bandage ♪
♪ You all look disappointed ♪
♪ B-b-but ♪
♪ You couldn't do it if you wanted ♪
♪ You better ♪
♪ So keeping on judging me ♪
♪ That comes with infamy ♪
♪ You can leave but you won't ♪
♪ Stay in your seat ♪
♪ You better leave your hopes behind ♪
♪ You better leave your hopes behind! ♪
♪ No one's gonna stop him ♪
♪ No one's gonna stop me ♪
♪ You better hope you're out of sight ♪
♪ Outta sight ♪
♪ Or you're doomed to be a victim ♪
♪ You won't defeat his kind ♪
♪ Never look in the eye ♪ ♪ Huh-huh ♪
♪ A predator of my size ♪
♪ He's a literal monster ♪
♪ Cross your heart hope to die ♪ ♪ Huh-huh ♪
♪ You can watch as I rise ♪
♪ He's a literal monster ♪
♪ I will claim what is mine ♪
♪ I'm a literal monster ♪
(audience cheering and applauding)
- I'm home!
- Ugh, Stephanie!
I've had three staffers trying to get ahold of you all day.
Why weren't you answering?
- I was at school.
- This is politics, Stephanie.
Learn to multi-task.
(audience laughing)
Have you even seen the new polls?
Your father is down.
We're within the margin of error,
and you're doing everything you can to fuck things up!
It's like you don't care about this campaign at all.
- Wow, Ms. Tessburger. It is like that, isn't it?
- Well, well.
If it's not my October surprise.
Stephanie, next time you're going to cheat,
do it like a Lauter and don't get caught.
- I wouldn't have gotten caught
if it weren't for that nerdy, little-
- Stephanie, please,
I'd like to have an intelligent conversation with you.
- In other words, shut up.
- Yeah, shut up.
- You. Out.
Stephanie, do you have any idea
what's coming up in a mere matter of weeks?
- The election.
I had to personally call your principal this afternoon.
Do you know they wanted to suspend you?
Imagine how that would've reflected on me.
The mayor's daughter, a deviant, a flunky.
We came to an arrangement.
They're not going to punish you, but I am.
You will raise your grades, or else.
- "Or else"?
How ominous.
What are you gonna do, ground me?
Like I won't just sneak out.
Face it, old man, there's nothing you can threaten me with.
- Oh really?
Miss Tessburger.
(audience laughing)
Hey, that looks like my phone.
- It is.
- Be careful with that, Dad.
Please, Daddy?
(audience laughing)
- I'll be careful with it.
I'll carefully smash it with this hammer.
- You wouldn't.
Not even you would do something that evil!
You know all my pictures are on there!
- I've found a weak-spot, haven't I?
Your whole generation's in thrall to these fucking boxes.
Little app-junkies.
I'm going to free you of it, Stephanie.
- No!
(audience laughing)
- Did you just throw your hand
between the hammer and the phone?
(audience laughing)
- Yeah.
- Smart phones are for smart girls, not little dumb-dumbs.
You can have this back once you've raised your grades.
I don't care if you have to lie, cheat, steal,
or, shock-of-all-shocks,
read a book for once in your life.
- How am I supposed to study without listening to Spotify?
Do you even know what you're doing?
You're killing me with what you're doing!
(audience laughing)
- If only, Stephanie.
If only.
(light music)
- Hey, fellas.
Ready to make like Newton
and get this physics project in motion?
(audience laughing)
- What?
Ya know, like Newton's law of motion, like physics.
- This project's on thermo-dynamics.
What the fuck are you talking about?
- Okay.
(audience laughing)
It's just a little joke.
I got it on good authority that I'm actually pretty funny.
- Funny looking, maybe. (laughs)
And not even that right now. Where's your bow tie?
- People are gonna start thinking you're poor, Pete.
- I'm trying out a new look, okay?
- At the library?
Who are you trying to impress? Ruth?
- Yeah, you don't even need to try with me, Pete.
(audience laughing)
I just want someone to touch me.
(audience laughing)
Anyone! Please!
- Jesus. Calm down, Ruth.
- I know what this is about.
Somebody walks to the office with Stephanie Lauter
and suddenly he's Stefan Urquelle.
Well, don't get your hopes up, Pete.
She was just using you to cheat on a test.
- What was it like when she touched your arm?
Did you cum?
- Ruth! Quit it!
- I need to know!
- We just had a nice talk. She's cool.
- We know she's cool, Peter. You're not.
You and Steph? It's a fantasy.
Like a boy and his anime love pillows.
(audience laughing)
It's a beautiful dream,
but I'll never hold the real Rei or Asuka in my arms.
(audience laughing)
(cellphone ringing)
- Pete!
Silence your cellphone in the library!
- Sorry!
- Who do you think it is?
- Probably a telemarketer.
- Lucky!
I'm such a loser, telemarketers hang up on me.
(audience laughing)
- Hello?
- Hey, is this Peter Spankoffski?
- Yeah.
- Hi, Pete. It's Steph, from class.
- Oh, uh, yeah.
Stephanie Lauter. I know.
(audience laughing)
- Pete's talking to Stephanie Lauter!
- Nani!
(audience laughing)
- Pete, you're never gonna believe this.
I'm actually calling you on a pay phone
outside of that Italian restaurant on First.
You know Pasqualli's?
- Oh, yeah. I love that place.
- [Steph] Yeah. Their breadsticks are really good.
- What is she saying?
What the fuck is she saying?
(audience laughing)
- Listen, I know this might seem presumptuous,
seeing as how I just got you in trouble,
but, uh, my dad took my phone away,
and I'm never gonna get it back unless I pick up my grades,
and I was wondering if you could
meet me here and help me study?
- You want me to meet you at Pasqualli's?
- Oh my god! Oh my god!
- Could you hold on?
Could you hold on for a second, Steph?
What's the matter with you guys?
You just told me not to get my hopes up!
- That was before Pasqualli's.
That's where all the cool kids go before Homecoming.
(imitates alarm wailing)
This is not a drill, Pete!
This is a date! A date!
- I'd ask one of my friends,
but I'm actually the smart one in the group,
if you can believe that.
- Oh, she needs you, Pete.
Like Princess Leia.
You're her only hope.
- Really, Ruth? A Star Wars analogy?
Need I go into why Attack On Titan
is superior in every possible way?
(audience laughing)
- Shut the fuck up!
- Excuse me?
- Uh, not you.
Just these two fucking nerds that won't leave me alone.
- Well, could you ditch those nerds and help me out?
- Uh.
- What're you waiting for, Pete?
A naughty school girl wants you to help her study?
They don't call it a cram-session for nothing!
Watch some porn. You'll see!
- Oh!
Stop being gross, both of you!
I had a good day today, okay?
A cool, popular girl told me I was funny.
Can't we just leave it on a high note?
You're telling me I gotta be funny again?
I didn't do it on purpose the first time!
- Pete, you've been given a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Someone's willing to tolerate your presence
for a whole evening.
This may never happen again!
Destiny knocks but once, and yours is Stephanie Lauter.
You lucky son of a bitch!
(audience laughing)
- Steph? I'll be there in 20 minutes.
(upbeat music)
♪ I bet you'd call this luck ♪
♪ Well that's your perspective ♪
♪ I bet this song'll suck ♪
♪ It doesn't take a detective ♪
♪ It's as cool as I think I am ♪
♪ Oh whoa whoa oh ♪
♪ Princess Leia told me ♪
♪ I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie ♪
♪ I'm straight to DVD ♪
♪ More like a bootleg copy ♪
♪ I'm as cool as she thinks I am ♪
♪ I'm as cool as I think I am ♪
♪ Oh whoa whoa oh ♪
♪ What if all my thoughts were stronger ♪
♪ What if my beliefs were taller ♪
♪ What if I were king of the hill ♪
♪ Captain of the team ♪
♪ Way cooler than I think I am ♪
♪ Oh whoa whoa oh ♪
♪ Why did she pick me ♪
♪ I hope I don't know the answer ♪
♪ Cheating's a two-way street ♪
♪ But every crime needs a partner ♪
♪ I'm as cool as she thinks I am ♪
♪ Cool as she thinks ♪
♪ I'm as cool as she thinks I am ♪
♪ Cool as she really thinks I am ♪
♪ Oh whoa whoa oh ♪
♪ Then again I'm deranged ♪ ♪ Then again I'm deranged ♪
♪ Puberty's got me fueled ♪ ♪ Puberty's got me fueled ♪
♪ She's the brawn I'm the brains ♪
♪ Can that really be true? ♪
♪ Smarter than she thinks she is ♪
♪ Smarter than she thinks ♪
♪ She's smarter than she thinks she is ♪
♪ Cooler than I really think I am ♪
♪ Oh whoa whoa oh ♪
♪ But what if I were wrong ♪
♪ What if I were wrong ♪
♪ It's only in my head ♪
♪ Only in my head ♪
♪ What if people see me as someone ♪
♪ Other than who I ♪
♪ Am ♪
♪ Cooler than I think I am ♪
♪ Am I cooler than I think I am ♪
♪ Oh whoa whoa ♪
♪ If I can finally be cool ♪
♪ I will know that I'm not a loser ♪
♪ And if I finally break the rules ♪
♪ I will know of my world I'm the ruler ♪
♪ But is that who I think I am ♪
♪ Is that who I think I am ♪
♪ Oh whoa whoa oh ♪
♪ Who do I think I am ♪
♪ Oh whoa whoa ♪
- Oh!
(crowd cheering)
Shut up!
(audience laughing)
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Micro-Peter Spankoffski.
What's your button-chode doing on my turf?
- Max!
I didn't realize that the parking lot
of Pasqualli's belonged to you.
- So where's your bow tie, rich boy?
You think you're better than me 'cause you come from money?
- Oh, no.
I think the bow tie gave you the wrong idea.
I'm not rich.
- Ugh!
So you're a poor piece of shit then?
(audience laughing)
Had to sell your bow tie to feed your fucking family?
(audience laughing)
- Look, I know what you want me to do, okay?
You want me to grovel.
Run, so you can you can chase.
We've been doing this song and dance
since the fourth grade, Max.
Well, I'm sick of your (stammers) shit.
(audience laughing)
I just hyped myself up
to come hang out with Stephanie Lauter.
And after that, you don't seem so scary.
- Wait. Steph?
- Yeah, she invited me.
- Well, shit.
If she's cool with kid, then maybe I'm cool with him too.
- Shut the fuck up, Jason!
(audience laughing)
Did I hear you correctly, Spankoffski?
I don't seem scary to you?
- You're just a bully.
And when you stand up to a bully, they lose their power.
(Max grunts) (Peter groans)
- Woo!
How's that feel, Spankoffski?
Does it feel like I lost my power?
I don't know what gave you the idea
you could break bread with Stephanie Lauter.
- She said-
- I don't give a fuck what she said!
I did not consent to this rendez-voos!
(audience laughing)
I decide who's cool and who's not.
I decide if Kyle can date Brenda.
The answer's still no by the way!
(audience laughing)
You're not a nerd 'cause of your glasses
or your pimple-dick.
(Peter whimpers)
You're a nerd 'cause I said so.
I willed it into existence.
I bring order to Hatchetfield High.
Light to darkness.
I'm your God.
Now on your knees, bitch.
It's time to say your fuckin' prayers!
- [Richard] No, no!
(dramatic music)
- [Group] Amen!
(audience laughing)
- All right, Chastitys. Dig in.
- This looks great, Mom!
- Well, nothing says yummy
like a mouthful of Mother's meatloaf.
- Oh, Mark.
(parents chuckling)
Oh, how was the open house? Any bites?
- I'm afraid I'm going to have to cast a longer rod, Mother.
- Oh Mark, why?
I cannot believe no one wants to buy
that beautiful, old house.
- What house, Dad?
- The old Waylon place down on Hickory.
- Mm. That house.
- What's wrong with it?
- It's haunted. Everyone says so.
(Mark laughs)
- And that's why that house'll never sell, Mother.
Ghost stories.
- You don't believe 'em, Dad?
- I only believe in one ghost, Grace.
A Holy Spirit that resides in all of our hearts.
(audience laughs)
- You're right, Dad.
- And how was your day, Sweetie?
Did you get the dance canceled?
- I'm working on it.
- Give her time, Mother.
- You will not believe what that Max Jagerman
said to me today.
- Jagerman? The football star?
- Big game's coming up.
That boy's got some arm on him.
- He came up to me in the hallway
and he asked if he could carry my books.
- Oh, Mark.
I didn't know that sort of thing happened
at Hatchetfield High.
(audience laughs)
Do you think you should call the boy's father?
- Oh, I don't know, Mother.
I wasn't much older than him
when I started carrying your books, Ms. Chasity.
- Dad! Gross!
(audience laughs)
I told him no, obviously.
I don't think about that sort of thing.
Me and Max, in carnal embrace? That's ridiculous.
Mom, will you pass the butt-stuff?
(audience laughing)
The Butter. Butter.
Will you pass the Butter? (chuckles nervously)
I just want some head and butter. Bread!
Bread! (audience laughing)
Bread and butt-sex to go with this big shaft of meat
I'm gonna choke down.
Oh boy. (audience laughs)
Oh criminy!
- Are you feeling all right, Pumpkin?
- You do look flush.
- I'm okay.
I've just got some butterflies in my tummy,
and they're flying real low today.
(audience laughs)
- Why don't I draw you a bath?
- Come on, Grace.
You gotta stop fantasizing
about some big, dumb football star.
Some big,
dumb,
sexy,
sweaty,
hot
football star!
Ugh!
(water splashing)
- [Max] Grace.
Grace.
- Hello?
(eerie music)
- What's cooking, dirty girl?
- Max Jagerman?
What are you doing in my bathroom of all places!?
- I couldn't stay away. I'm hungry.
And here you are,
brewing up a big ol' pot of dirty-girl soup.
(sniffs deeply)
Ah!
(audience laughs)
My favorite.
(audience laughs)
- You call my bath water dirty-girl soup?
This is wrong! This is so wrong.
(audience laughs)
- I know.
(audience screams)
Mind if I join you?
- You are... (stammers)
- Ah.
- Max.
What's that around your neck?
Is that a crucifix?
(audience laughs)
- Everyone's got their secrets, and this one's mine.
I love
Jesus.
(audience laughs)
- Me too!
- But there's only one thing I love more.
- What's that?
I love
to fuck!
(audience laughs)
(sultry music)
♪ Hey Boo ♪
♪ Daddy needs a little of that dirty soup ♪
♪ Slice me off a piece of that saucy you ♪
♪ I'd say you got me hypnotized ♪
♪ You're looking all filthy-like ♪
♪ You know its wrong I know its right ♪
♪ Chaste Grace ♪
♪ I'll never ever tell ya to behave ♪
♪ I am expecting you to be-betray me ♪
♪ I'm only in if you're over it ♪
♪ A one-way ticket power trip ♪
♪ With no room for censorship ♪
♪ Babe I'ma love you all night long ♪
♪ But you gotta do wrong ♪
♪ Yeah you gotta do wrong ♪
♪ Oh dirty dirty girl won't you sing for me ♪
♪ Won't you love me like you don't care ♪
♪ Dirty dirty girl will you pray for me ♪
♪ While I push and pull on your hair ♪
♪ Hey brute ♪
♪ You talk to me like you're in a locker room ♪
♪ It's clear you've never stepped in a classroom ♪
♪ You think I'm leaving room for you ♪
♪ The trinity is more than two ♪
♪ You want me can't be skipping school ♪
♪ For shame ♪
♪ I am expecting you to be-behave ♪
♪ You think your thirsty cravings are brave ♪
♪ Take a sip and soap your soiled mouth ♪
♪ You want a tour of the house ♪
♪ You better straighten out your crooked ways ♪
♪ I'm singing a sacred psalm ♪
♪ On your knees pray along ♪
♪ If you wanna last until dawn ♪
♪ Oh dirty dirty girl ♪
♪ Won't you sing for me ♪
♪ Won't you love me like you don't care ♪
♪ I don't care about your ♪
♪ Dirty dirty girl ♪
♪ Will you pray for me ♪
♪ While I push and pull on your hair ♪
♪ I think I'm loving you more than I should ♪
♪ You got my judgment all muddy and cloudy ♪
(both scream)
♪ But my dirty girl soup ♪ ♪ But your dirty girl soup ♪
♪ Got me you hungry for more than that ♪
♪ Our loving is foul but it's good ♪
♪ You're breaking hearts for the fun and it's bloody ♪
(both scream)
♪ But your dirty girl soup got me hungry for more than that ♪
♪ Got me hungry for more ♪
♪ Hungry for more ♪
♪ I'm a I'm a I'm a good girl ♪
♪ Hungry for more ♪
♪ I'm a I'm a I'm a good girl ♪
♪ Hungry for more ♪
♪ I'm a I'm a I'm a good girl ♪
♪ Hungry for more ♪
♪ I'm a I'm a I'm a good girl ♪
♪ Who on occasion gets dirty ♪
♪ Dirty dirty girl won't you sing for me ♪
♪ Won't you love me like you don't care ♪
♪ I won't care about your ♪
♪ Dirty dirty girl will you pray for me ♪
♪ While our lovin' poisons the air ♪
♪ Hey boo daddy needs a little of that dirty soup ♪
(audience cheering and applauding)
(knocking on door)
- Grace?
(quirky music)
- What have I done?
(audience laughing)
Damn these wandering hands!
Damn these sinful loins!
- Are you all right in there, darling?
I thought I heard moaning.
And you know as well as I do, young lady,
this is a no-moan household!
- Um, um.
It wasn't a moan! It was a groan!
Yeah! I'm doing a number two in here, a real big one!
- I'll get the plunger.
(audience laughing)
- Come on, Grace!
This isn't you!
You can't be having impure thoughts.
You're not even married!
This is his fault.
Max Jagerman.
He's gotta go.
(dramatic music)
(audience cheering and applauding)
(school bell rings)
- He said he'd be there in 20 minutes,
and he never showed.
I was waiting there all night.
I ended up studying out of sheer boredom.
- Ew.
Well, maybe scared him off, Steph.
Pasqualli's?
You save that place for, like, the fifth date.
- That's where you go before the first blowie.
Everybody knows that!
- And he still stood you up? Girl!
That must be so embarrassing for you.
- It wasn't a date, Brenda.
- Sure, Steph. Keep telling yourself that.
Who is this guy anyway?
Standing up the mayor's daughter
like he's got no fucks to give?
Not gonna lie. That's really sexy.
(audience laughing)
- He's not sexy. It's Peter.
Spankoffski?
- Oh my god! The fucking bow tie kid?
(audience laughing)
- Steph, I know he's rich, but...
(audience laughing)
money isn't everything.
Looks are.
- And, like, if you're on the football team.
- Oh my god! I can't wait for the big game!
(both shriek)
You have to see the new cheer. So fab!
- Not right now, Stace.
Hey, dweeb!
- Yeah? - Yeah?
- Either of you seen Pete around?
- Why?
Looking to kick him while he's down?
- Yeah, you got all our hope up, temptress.
(audience laughing)
- I don't know what you're taking about.
- Come on!
You lured him right into the lion's den.
We thought you were waifu material, but you're just a bully.
- Yeah.
And we're gonna find new objects of our sexual desires,
and then you'll be sorry!
(audience laughing)
- This is why nobody talks to guys.
What the hell happened to Pete last night?
- Oh, she's touching me!
- Lucky!
(audience laughing)
- Pete? Are you in here?
- Steph, this is the boys' bathroom!
- Grow up.
- Wow.
These toilets aren't even in stalls.
(audience laughing)
You all just watch each other pee?
Oh, it's better than I ever imagined!
(audience laughing)
- Oh my god.
Pete, what did he do to you?
- What? This?
You should see the other guy.
I think he bruised his knuckles on my face.
(audience laughing)
- Come on. You can't stay in the bathroom all day.
- I'm not!
Just during lunch, passing periods,
and any times I might run into Max Jagerman.
- That's such bullshit.
I'm not gonna let him get away with this.
- Steph, the more you get involved,
the worse things are gonna be for me.
It's like I said.
I'm not allowed to talk to you.
- Who does Max think he is? My dad?
What a fucking psycho!
No. I'm sorry, Pete.
I'm going to the principal with this.
- Ha!
This is Max Jagerman,
the quarterback of the Hatchetfield Nighthawks.
If you think the principal cares more about us
than the outcome of the big game,
then you are willfully naive.
- That's some cool-kid privilege right there.
(audience laughing)
- Well we have to do something.
- And what, pray tell, may that be, Stephanie?
- I don't know. We...
We...
- Destroy him!
- Grace! - Oh my god.
Butt out, Chastity.
This is none of your business.
- Oh, it very much is my business.
And not just because I'm a hall monitor
and there are two girls in the boy's bathroom.
Detention for both of you.
- What?
- God, you suck, Grace.
- Max Jagerman has made all our lives a living heck.
(audience laughing)
He's more than a boy. He's an idea.
One that strikes fear in the hearts of the meek.
(audience laughing)
And lust in the souls of the innocent.
We must strip him of his power
and leave him helpless at our feet!
- How?
With a little faith in the Father, Son,
and some holy ghosts.
(eerie music)
(wind whistling)
(audience applauding)
(thunder booms)
There it is. The old Waylon place.
- Isn't this, like, breaking and entering?
- I'm not breaking anything. My dad's the realtor.
(keys jangle)
(eerie music)
(door creaking)
The house was built in 1910 by Mathias and Agatha Waylon.
Wealthy. Eccentric.
They went on to build the city's most important landmarks,
like The Starlight Theater, The Gazette,
even the schoolhouse
that would one day become Hatchetfield High.
They took a backwater logging town
and turned it into their own personal paradise
where they were free to indulge in their eclectic interests.
- What kinda interests?
- Oh, you know. A little satanism!
- Ah, baloney.
- It's true!
Human sacrifices! Demonic rituals!
Sex magic!
(audience laughing)
Eventually, the people of Hatchetfield
got fed up with this cult.
An angry mob burst through those doors
and found the Waylons and their followers
and hacked 'em to bloody bits!
But as they say, nothing really dies in the Waylon place.
Their angry spirits still haunt these halls
to this very day.
And when Max Jagerman comes in contact with these ghosts,
we're gonna film the whole thing.
We're gonna post a video of him crying for his mommy,
wetting himself with fear.
And then he will cease to be the most terrifying,
hottest bully in Hatchetfield.
He will forever be known as #PottyPants.
(audience laughing)
- PottyPants?
How about PissyPants?
- I'm not comfortable with the plan
if it involves that kind of language.
(audience laughing)
- I'm not comfortable with this place.
It's not structurally sound.
(beam creaks)
- [Steph] Yeah, and something reeks.
- [All] Sorry, that's me.
- I'm allergic to deodorant.
- I have over-active sweat glands.
- Bathing isn't safe for me right now.
(audience laughing)
- God, you guys are nerds.
- Um, excuse me!
If I wear antiperspirant, I break out in hives.
And I scratch 'em, and they bleed, and pus comes out.
I get pus in my pits!
- Yeah, we're moving on from that.
- Don't bully me!
Who invited her anyway?
- Steph's the most important part of the plan!
You're the bait for our trap.
You're gonna tell Max Jagerman
something super fun is going on in the Waylon place,
something he wouldn't wanna miss, like a bible study.
- Or a party.
(upbeat music)
- Come on, guys! We can do this.
(Grace snapping fingers)
(audience laughing)
♪ We're gonna bully the bully ♪
♪ We're gonna film him loosing his cooly ♪
♪ We're gonna make it spooky ♪
♪ It's goofy ♪
♪ Got a better plan ♪
♪ We'll make him shit his pants ♪
♪ The Jager-man ♪
♪ We're gonna invoke his fury ♪
♪ By making him freak prematurely ♪
♪ And then have him judged by a jury ♪
♪ In the public eye ♪
♪ He's just a nerd in disguise ♪
- Okay, why do you keep doing that?
(audience laughing)
♪ Petey got the blanket ♪
♪ Ruthie you're in charge of techy ♪
♪ And Richie tapes ♪
- What's our budget?
♪ Stephie gonna lure him in with her charm ♪
- I am?
♪ And once we get him walking ♪
♪ In the haunted and ancient old Waylon place ♪
- [All] Yeah?
♪ Petey gonna jump on out ♪
♪ Jager gonna jager-out ♪
♪ We're gonna bully the bully ♪
♪ We're taking back the schooly the schooly ♪
♪ We're gonna make a dirty movie ♪
♪ Where the losers win ♪
♪ And the joke is on him ♪
♪ We got our fealty a duty ♪
♪ To standing for the nerdy the prudy ♪
♪ Overturning and dethroning the viking ♪
♪ Gonna wreck his ship ♪
♪ We're gonna cut off his nips ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ We'll spill his guts we'll steal his lunch ♪
♪ We'll beat him up ♪
- No!
♪ We're gonna be real cool ♪
- [All] Oh!
♪ To beat a Jager-man ♪
♪ You can't beat him where he's most equipped ♪
♪ Can't beat him where he's most equipped ♪
♪ He's twice our size he's maximized ♪
♪ But we know how to strategize ♪
♪ And use our tools ♪
♪ Oh-oh ♪
♪ So we're not gonna kick his ass ♪
♪ Do you want to conserve your mass ♪
♪ We're gonna kick pop splat ♪
♪ Be cool ♪
♪ We're gonna smash flam spank ♪
♪ Stay cool. ♪
♪ We're gonna voom tank swarm ♪
♪ No we're gonna be cool beans ♪
- [All] Oh.
♪ We're gonna keep the beans cool ♪
♪ We're gonna gonna keep the beans ♪
♪ Beans the cool keep the beans the cool ♪
♪ Keep the beans beans school ♪
Bean school? Excellent!
♪ We're gonna bully the bully ♪
♪ We're gonna gonna rule the unruly ♪
♪ He's gonna gonna dooky his booty ♪
♪ And our problem's solved ♪ ♪ And our problem's solved ♪
♪ And the school can evolve ♪ ♪ And the school can evolve ♪
♪ We're gonna get the jock pleading ♪
♪ Watch the incumbent conceding ♪
♪ We're gonna make the nerdy the new thing ♪
♪ Pull the pin ♪
- Steph, get in position!
- Time to thicken our skin.
- One helluva mission.
♪ We'll fight sin with sin ♪
(all snapping fingers)
♪ Let the games begin ♪
(audience cheering and applauding)
- [All] Break!
- Oh yeah.
We're shootin' this prank in 4K.
It's gonna look beast!
Uh, you think I could get any more light in here?
- Richie, the whole point is that it's in the dark!
- Well then I'm gonna have to shoot the whole thing
in a wide, and it's gonna look like shit!
(audience laughing)
- Wait! Wait!
No, don't take me off your call list!
(audience laughing)
No, I'm not gonna switch my internet provider,
but I still wanna talk.
(audience laughing)
Hello?
(audience laughing)
Hello?
- Who was that? - My boyfriend.
(audience laughing)
- Sounded like a telemarketer.
- Okay. My ex-boyfriend.
(audience laughing)
- Well, Jagerman's on his way.
You ready?
- I don't know. I'm nervous.
- No, no. Don't be.
You got this.
(audience laughing)
- You're, like, super nice to me.
- Not really.
(audience laughing)
I'm just doing the bare minimum here.
(audience laughing)
- You're the best friend I've ever had.
- Oh, that's sad.
- I think I'm in love with you.
(audience laughing)
- Okay. (chuckles uncomfortably)
- Okay, Richie, be honest.
Am I reading as ghost or Lin Manual Miranda?
(audience laughing and clapping)
- You kinda look like that Homeless Guy from downtown.
(audience hollers)
But that could still work.
He gets pretty scary sometimes.
- Maybe I should lose the glasses. Yeah.
- Hey, Pete. Check it out.
She came all the way out here, just to help you.
She's waiting for you, buddy.
- Really?
You think Steph actually likes me?
- No!
I'm talking about Ruth!
(audience laughing)
She's so fucking thirsty. Ugh.
I mean you could just hit it and quit it, bro.
- Yeah.
I don't want to though.
(audience laughing)
- You're fuckin' useless, Pete!
- What?
- All right, everyone! Get to your posts!
Max Jagerman's coming up the walkway!
Operation PottyPants is about to commence!
(Max clears throat)
- I gotta piss.
(audience laughing)
(Max singing)
Whoa.
Hey, Steph! It's the Jagermeister!
Ha-ha!
I brought the brews!
- [Grace] Ruth, cue the sound effects.
(eerie music) (crow cawing)
- Oh shit.
(audience laughing)
Where's that creepy music coming from?
What kind of a party is this?
Steph?
Kyle?
Brenda, if you're gonna surprise me,
do it al-fuckin'-ready, I gotta take a piss!
- [Pete] Max.
- Who's there?
- [Pate] Max Jagerman.
- What?
- You have disturbed the spirits of Waylon Hall.
Now your soul shall be ours.
- Oh shit!
Oh fuck, it's a fucking ghost!
- This is awesome, Grace. It's working!
- I always knew you fuckers were real!
I've been scared of you my whole life.
But it's time to stop running.
(audience laughs)
(beer can crunches) (Max grunts)
Float over here, ghost!
I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!
- Uh, Grace, we got a problem.
- [Grace] What? Is he not buying it?
- No, he thinks the ghost is real.
He's just really fuckin' brave!
(audience laughing)
- Uh, you can't fight me.
I'm an ethereal being, so.
- We'll see about that.
I'm gonna make you say boo-hoo, bitch!
(Max yells) (Pete screams)
Yes!
I make the dead run in fear!
I am Jagerman!
I am a god!
Go Nighthawks!
- The ghost ran! Send in the skeleton!
(Ruth shrieking)
(audience laughing)
- Oh shit!
Oh fuck!
I didn't think there'd be a skeleton here!
I'm so fucking scared of skeletons!
(audience laughing)
Maybe I should just run.
Where, Max?
Back home so Dad can call you a little cuck?
Can't even fight off one, lousy skeleton?
No.
I got no choice.
Hey, skeleton!
I got a bone to pick with you, bitch!
(audience laughing)
Come here!
(Max growls) (Ruth shrieks)
- Grace, we gotta abort the plan! It's not working!
- It's working for me. He's so violent!
(Max grunting)
- Max, stop!
(Ruth yelps)
(audience laughing)
- Steph, we can't have a party here.
This place is hella haunted!
Get behind me. I'll protect you.
- No. No!
It's not real, stupid!
It's not a ghost.
It's Peter Spankoffski.
This was all a prank,
s trick to scare the shit out of you,
'cause you deserve it.
- What?
You're telling me you nerds
put this whole thing together just for me?
Wow.
I thought you guys hated me.
(audience laughing)
But thanks.
(audience laughing)
This was really great.
(audience laughing)
- You're not pissed?
- Oh! Are you kidding?
No no, no, this is like the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
(audience aahs)
When the ghost came out and my heart was like...
(mimics heart pounding)
Oh! And the skeleton.
Oh.
That was really special.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering and clapping)
Ya know, maybe I had you guys figured all wrong.
Ya know?
I thought you were a bunch of nerds,
but you guys throw one hell of a party!
(wood snaps) (Max screams)
(Max grunting) (body tumbling)
(all groan)
- Max?
Oh my god!
Max!
I told you this place wasn't structurally sound!
He just fell like three stories!
- Come on!
- Oh heck. Oh heck, no!
(dramatic music) (Max whimpering)
(Max groaning)
- Look what you fuckin' nerds made me do!
I pissed my fucking pants!
(audience laughing)
- Mission accomplished?
- Max, don't move, okay? We're gonna-
- Shut up, Steph!
You're just like these fuckin' losers!
I'm gonna kill you all!
Nerdy prudes must pay!
(Max gasping)
Nerdy!
Prudes!
Must!
(Max wheezes)
Die!
(Max choking)
- Max?
Max?
- [Peter] Holy shit. We killed him!
- [Richard] Oh my god! Oh my god!
- My pits!
- No, no, no, this was an accident.
The video will show!
Yeah!
The video will show this was clearly an accident!
- Uh, I actually didn't get the fall.
But I did get a lot of incriminating footage
of us luring him here with malicious intent!
- Oh, that's gonna make us look even more guilty!
- My god! We're going to jail!
And with my luck,
no one will even bother making me their bitch!
(audience laughing)
- No. No, we're not going to jail!
- Really, Steph?
Because we murdered a football star
right before the big game!
- This wasn't murder!
And it wasn't an accident.
It was an act of God.
(audience laughing)
Max Jagerman was a perv,
and now he's rotting in hell for it.
- Oh yeah, like that's gonna fly in court.
He was smote!
- We're not going to court.
- Grace, I don't know what you're talking about,
but we have to tell the police about this.
- Why?
Max Jagerman was a menace, and now he's gone.
No more teasing. No more bullying.
No more tickle in our mommy spots.
(audience laughing)
Don't you see?
We're free.
- But won't people notice he's gone?
- This is Hatchetfield.
People go missing everyday.
(audience laughing)
(race snapping fingers) (upbeat music)
- Oh no. She's snapping again!
♪ We're gonna bury the body ♪
♪ Right here in the lobby ♪
♪ Underneath the wooden flooring ♪
♪ Where his corpse will rot ♪
- This is a lot.
♪ We're gonna hack all his limbs off ♪
- Did you say hack all his limbs off?
♪ Yeah we're gonna hack all his limbs off ♪
Can you stop saying it?
♪ How else he gonna fit ♪
♪ Petey grab the hatchet ♪
♪ Ruthie you can grab the acid ♪
♪ And Stephie tapes ♪
You want me to film this?
♪ We're gonna tape him up in plastic ♪
♪ After dousing him with the bleach ♪
♪ Tape him up after dousin' with bleach ♪
- I think I'm gonna throw up.
♪ No this is when you grow up ♪
♪ And accept your fate ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ You wanna get the fullest ride ♪
♪ Then start cutting right above the thigh ♪
♪ We're gonna bury the bully ♪
♪ We're gonna go to juvie surely ♪
♪ I hear prison is cushy ♪
♪ Oh my asthma is back ♪
♪ He'll never be found ♪
♪ It's not like we're selling crack ♪
♪ I'm gonna strip him down ♪
- Why?
♪ We're gonna bury the bully ♪
♪ We gotta gotta line up our stories ♪
♪ It's gonna gonna never haunt me ♪
♪ 'Cause he's already dead ♪
♪ No one's gonna snitch ♪
♪ Hide him from the Feds ♪
♪ Can't we say he slipped ♪
(overlapping clamoring)
♪ I just cut off his nips ♪
(audience laughing and clapping)
(television static crackling)
(television beeping)
- [Reporter] This is Hatchetfield Action News
with Dan and Donna!
- [Donna] It's been two weeks since the disappearance
of local football star Maxwell Jagerman,
and the teen's whereabouts still remain a mystery.
- [Dan] Earlier today at city hall,
Mayor Solomon Lauter issued this statement.
- The disappearance of young Mr. Jagerman
has rocked this community to its very core.
But you can rest assured
I have made every possible resource available
to the coach of the Hatchetfield Nighthawks.
I will not let the absence of one boy
affect our team's performance in the big game.
The Nighthawks will be take the field tonight,
and they will win.
Go Nighthawks!
(crowd cheering)
- [Donna] Inspiring words in this time of need.
We can only hope they bring some comfort
to Max's classmates,
who have already endured two weeks of heartache.
(students kissing)
(Kyle laughs)
This has been the best two weeks of my life!
Who'da thunk the absence of one negative influence
could make us all so much happier?
(audience laughing)
- I know, right?
I can't wait to watch you play tonight, Kyle.
- And I can't wait to watch you cheer.
Ya know, cheering takes just as much skill
as football does.
Sometimes I think you're the main event,
and we're just there to support you gals.
(audience aahing)
- You're so hot when you're sweet.
- Thank god Max is gone.
- Wasn't he your friend?
- Yeah, but he forbade me from dating,
and he wrecked my dad's Ski-Doo.
Fuck that guy!
- Good for you, babe.
- Hey Pete, wait up!
Good news.
- You passed the test?
- With flying colors.
- Oh-ho! A...
C+. Steph, that's amazing!
- My dad couldn't believe it.
Got my phone back and everything.
- And I couldn't have done it without you.
Helping me study these past two weeks.
Ya know this is really your C+.
- Oh, Steph. You can keep it.
(audience laughing)
It'd really bring down my GPA.
(Steph laughs)
- You're such a nerd, Spankoffski.
(soft music)
- Wow.
That's the first time anyone's called me a nerd
since that night.
Steph, I'm trying to feel bad about what we did,
but it is really hard to do that
when everything is objectively better.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, it's weird.
But maybe it's for the best?
So, you going to the big game tonight?
- Oh, no.
Jagerman doesn't let nerds go to football...
Huh.
You know, maybe I will.
I've never been to a football game before.
- Ugh, they're really boring.
And both teams kinda suck.
But we could go sarcastically.
You know, get some popcorn.
Might be cool.
- You mean like go together?
- If you want.
- Okay.
Cool.
I'll see you there.
- Yeah, yeah! I'll see you there.
(audience laughing)
Wow!
Things really are different around here.
The trees are greener!
The sun's brighter!
And I'm going to the big game!
Fuck yeah!
Go Nighthawks!
(upbeat music) (audience cheering)
♪ It's like the first day of school yeah ♪
♪ The hallway's shiny and full of life ♪
- Hey Ruth! - Hey Ruth!
♪ So full of life ♪
- Hey Ruth, your headgear is fire today!
- Thanks!
♪ It's like the start of a new year ♪
♪ Got a resolution to social climb ♪
- Wanna join the swim team?
♪ And go to class on time ♪
- You're early today, Mr. Lipschitz.
♪ I never thought I could open up my locker ♪
♪ Without the fear running through me ♪
♪ And now I don't eat all by myself ♪
♪ Go go Nighthawks ♪
♪ We'll take the fight ♪
♪ Unto the victors go the spoils ♪
♪ Go go Nighthawks ♪
♪ We're taking flight ♪
♪ We are the leaders and the royals ♪
(all squawk)
♪ Who knew football's a team game ♪
(football players grunt)
♪ Who needs a star quarterback to air it out ♪
♪ Or whip you with a saturated towel ♪
♪ No more bully ball ♪
♪ We're all givin' the butt slaps ♪
♪ With consent of course 'cause we care ♪
♪ There's a trust in the locker room air ♪
♪ We're taking back the halls ♪
♪ I never thought I could walk into a bathroom ♪
♪ Without the fear of a swirly ♪
♪ And now I can pee all by myself ♪
♪ Go go Nighthawks ♪
♪ We'll take the fight ♪
♪ Unto the victors go the spoils ♪
♪ Fly with us ♪
♪ Go go Nighthawks we're taking flight ♪
♪ We are the leaders and the royals ♪
♪ I never thought I could open ♪
♪ up my locker ♪ ♪ I never thought I could keep ♪
♪ My lunch money ♪
♪ In Hatchetfield High School ♪
♪ And now I know that from now I'll be free! ♪
♪ N ♪
♪ I-G ♪
♪ H-T ♪
(cheerleaders squawk)
♪ Ks ♪
♪ N ♪
♪ I-G ♪
♪ H-T ♪
(all squawk)
♪ Ks ♪
♪ N ♪ - Nighthawks!
♪ I-G ♪ Nighthawks!
♪ H-T ♪ Nighthawks!
(all squawk)
♪ Ks ♪ Fly!
♪ N ♪ - Nighthawks!
♪ I-G ♪ Nighthawks!
♪ H-T ♪ Nighthawks!
(all squawk)
♪ Ks ♪ Fly!
♪ N ♪ - Nighthawks!
♪ I-G ♪ Nighthawks!
♪ H-T ♪ Nighthawks!
(all squawk)
Fight!
- [Announcer] And now welcome onto the field
tonight's opponent, the Clivesdale Chemists!
(energetic music)
♪ Fuck you Clivesdale go get fucked ♪
♪ You're fucking losers and we'll kill you ♪
♪ Kill your ass ♪
♪ Fly fly Nighthawks into the night ♪
♪ We're flying higher ♪
♪ High above you! ♪ ♪ Go get fucked ♪
♪ Watch us fly! ♪ - Nighthawks!
Nighthawks!
♪ Nighthawks fly ♪
(all squawk)
(audience cheering and clapping)
- Yeah! - Woo!
(football players hollering)
- Yeah, all right, Nighthawks!
Huddle up! Woo!
This is it, gang. The big game.
Who's ready to cream some Chemists?
- Let's go! (cheerleaders cheering)
Fuck Clivesdale!
- I can't express how proud I am of this team.
Over the past two weeks, we've come together
in a way I couldn't have imagined.
But I'd especially like to acknowledge
one vital member of the team
who's gone neglected for far too long.
Zeek the Fightin' Nighthawk!
(all cheering)
- Right there, right there, right there!
- Richie, get over here!
(crowd clapping)
- Really?
You want me in the huddle?
- We don't want you here.
We need you here.
(audience aahing)
- Wow.
(sentimental music)
- Whenever I feel like throwing in the towel,
I just look over at the sidelines.
And there you are, dancing,
falling all over the yourself.
(audience laughing)
Reminds me why I love this game.
Richie, we're sorry for bullying you for all those years.
- Yeah! Sorry.
- And we'd like to apologize in advance
for if Max ever comes back,
'cause we'll probably go right back to doing it.
(audience laughing)
- I don't think we'll have to worry about Max ever again.
- Now what I'm about to say next might sound like bullying,
but I promise you it's not.
We appreciate you warming up the crowd and everything,
but now we'd love for you to take a shower
and air out that suit,
'cause you smell like an open asshole right now.
(audience laughing)
No offense.
- None taken.
I have overactive sweat glands.
- We understand. We support and love you.
But you fucking reek, man.
Hit the showers, Shit-lips.
- You got it, Jace!
- Let's go!
- See you at half-time!
- Go get 'em!
Go get 'em, Nighthawks!
Fuck Clivesdale!
Fuck 'em straight to hell!
Assholes!
(audience cheering and clapping)
Man, I love those guys.
They're my bros for life.
(audience aahing)
You know, for the first time...
(audience laughing)
I feel like I belong.
(audience laughing)
I love this school.
I love being alive!
(audience cheers)
- [Max] Richie.
(audience gasps)
Richie.
(eerie music)
- Hello?
Guys?
- [Max] Richie.
- Jace?
Kyle?
Quit fooling.
You promised you wouldn't gonna bully anymore.
Remember what you said?
- Oh, I remember what I said.
Do you?
(thunder cracks) You fuckin' nerd?
- No!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This can't be. You're dead!
- I'm free.
And you know what that means, bitch?
No more Mr. Nice Guy.
(intense music)
- No! (Max cackles)
No, no, no!
♪ Did you miss me while I was gone ♪
♪ Did you really think you'd get away ♪
♪ The hallway's safe ♪
♪ That I won't break you ♪
♪ You can see I'm much improved ♪
♪ That ain't good new for you you bitch ♪
♪ 'Cause I gotta list and you're on it ♪
♪ Whoa whoa ♪
♪ Does the Math Club comfort you ♪
♪ Should've joined the Smoke Club you nerdy prude ♪
♪ Nerdy prudes must die ♪
♪ Everybody cool watch those nerds run for their lives ♪
♪ Jagerman will rise ♪
♪ Blood will be my prize ♪
♪ Nerdy nerdy prudes watch me shock ♪
♪ And cock you blocks ♪
♪ The jock you demonized ♪
♪ You think I seek revenge ♪
(thunder cracks)
♪ I could give two shits that you buried and left me ♪
♪ Defiled my body ♪
♪ You pushed me off the edge ♪
♪ I'm on a new crusade ♪
♪ The world is just too well behaved ♪
♪ It needs to be saved ♪
♪ And you're too weak to be enslaved ♪
♪ Nerdy prudes must die ♪
♪ Everybody cool watch those nerds meet their demise ♪
♪ The cleansing of your kind ♪
♪ Expose the bloody lie ♪
♪ Nerdy nerdy prudes watch me spawn ♪
♪ And prey upon ♪
♪ You anti-socialites ♪
- I want you to repeat after me.
- Okay.
♪ Who will pray for me ♪ ♪ Who will pray for me ♪
♪ When I'm gone ♪ ♪ When I'm gone ♪
♪ Or until another Richie comes along ♪
- Can you repeat that one?
♪ Who will pray for me ♪
♪ When I'm gone ♪
♪ Or is this the eternal dark without a dawn ♪
♪ Who will pray for you ♪ ♪ Who will pray for me ♪
♪ When your body's gone ♪ ♪ When my body's gone ♪
♪ This is the consequence for what you've done ♪
♪ I'm not a loser ♪
- What did you say?
- Don't kill me.
I'm not a nerdy prude.
I'm not a loser.
- Of course not, Richie.
But you have lost.
Everything.
(dramatic music)
- No! (Max cackling)
No, please!
(Max cackling)
No, no, no, no.
(Max cackling)
No!
(Max cackling)
(melancholy music)
(thunder cracks) (Grace screams)
- Grace, what's wrong?
- I had a nightmare! A horrible nightmare.
Max Jagerman, he was dead, and he was angry.
He was so angry, and he wasn't sexy at all.
Mama, I'm cured!
(audience laughing)
- That's nice, dear.
But you better hurry or you won't be early for school.
- It's 6:30 already! Shoot and Shinola!
(bouncy music)
- Oh, Mark, I'm worried about Grace.
Sleeping in like this, it's not like her.
- Well, she's 18, Mother.
Remember how wild we were at her age?
On the phone til 8:00 p.m. (chuckles)
(audience laughing)
Sneaking out to watch PG films.
(mother gasps)
- I never did that.
- Morning, Daddy!
- Good morning, sunshine!
- Do you have everything you need for school?
- Yes, just missing a kiss from my mommy!
- Oh, Gracie.
(cellphone ringing)
(father gasps)
- Hang on, gang.
This is important. Aha!
Ahem. Hello?
Really?
They did?
It sold!
- Oh, Mark! That's wonderful!
- Congratulations, Dad!
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- You see?
I told you your father would sell
that old Waylon Place one of these days.
- What?
Uh, what house sold?
- The old Waylon place on Hickory?
- So the home inspectors got there this morning?
What did they find?
You don't say.
You don't say!
Well, I'll be down there in jiffy.
- What'd they find, Dad?
- They didn't say.
(audience laughing)
Only that I should come have a look for myself.
Gosh, I hope it's not termites.
Have a great day at school, sweetheart.
- Oh, heck. I'm so heckin' fudged.
(audience laughing)
- That was some game this weekend.
- Man, fuck Clivesdale!
Fucking Chemists!
- We'll get 'em next year, Pete.
- You know, I can't believe I'm saying this,
but it would've been nice to have Max back,
just for the big game.
- All right, I'm gonna need you three
to shut the fudge up about Max Jagerman!
- Why? What's wrong?
- Nothing. (chuckles nervously)
'Cause we cleaned the entire house.
With bleach!
We covered all our tracks.
Except I can't find my WWJD bracelet.
I took it off when we were dismembering the body.
But I put it back on, right?
You saw me with it, right!? Right?
Right?
- Grace.
Is there something that we need to be worried about?
(sirens wailing)
No, um...
- Holy shit! Are those cop cars?
- Grace, why are the police at our school?
- All right, I'm gonna need the three of you
to stop freaking out, okay?
Okay, just shut up and keep your beans cool!
If you think about it,
it's a good thing my dad sold the Waylon place,
because he's gonna get a huge commission on it,
and he's gonna build a pool in our backyard.
So there!
Grace, you said that house would be abandoned forever.
We trusted you!
Then trust me that they can't trace anything back to us.
- [Announcer] Attention Hatchetfield High students.
Would Ruth Fleming...
- Ugh.
- [Announcer] Grace Chasity...
- Ugh.
- [Announcer] Stephanie Lauter.
- Ugh.
- [Announcer] And Peter Spankoffski...
- Oh no.
- [Announcer] Please report to the principal's office.
The police would like to ask you a few questions.
(all groaning)
- Hi, kids. Come on in.
Have a seat.
I'm Detective Shapiro. This here is Officer Bailey.
- Don't look at me!
(audience laughing)
Get your hands outta your pockets.
- Sorry, sir.
- Don't mind him.
He hasn't had his coffee this morning.
You kids want some coffee?
Can I get you anything? Anything at all?
How 'bout that game this weekend?
Fucking Chemists, right?
We'll get 'em next time though. Go Nighthawks!
- [All] Yeah. Go Nighthawks.
- Too bad our boys weren't playing with a full deck, though.
You ask me, they were missing
the most important member of the team.
You know who I'm talking about, right?
- [All] Yeah.
- Yeah.
Without him, the Nighthawks went out there
and they just shat the bed, didn't they?
Real shame what happened to him.
- Damn shame!
- You see, kids, he was murdered.
- How do you know it was murder?
- Uh, yeah, it coulda been an accident.
- Yeah, maybe he fell.
That's what happened! He fell!
- Shut the fuck up, Ruth!
- Ha!
Nah, nah. Fell?
Yeah, I don't think so.
- Tell me a little bit
about your relationship with the deceased.
Word around school is that you four were his friends.
- Friends?
Barely.
- No, we hardly knew the guy.
- Yeah, I knew him. I just hated his guts.
- Not enough to kill him, though.
- Uh, yeah!
Just maybe enough to scare him or teach him a lesson.
- Not even that!
- Yeah.
- When was the last time you saw him?
- Uh, about two weeks ago.
- Bullshit!
You wanna think a little harder?
You sure you didn't see him
in your AP Calculus class last week?
- Wha...
What?
- That's it!
Listen here, you little fucks!
Zeek the Fightin' Nighthawk
was murdered the night of the big game!
We lost to Clivesdale!
Fuckin' Clivesdale!
(audience laughing)
So you four are gonna spill everything that you know
about Richard Lipschitz!
Sorry.
(audience laughing)
- Wait, someone killed Richie?
- Oh, well, we don't know anything about that one.
- Or any one!
We don't know anything.
- You four were his friends. Think.
Is there anyone in Richie's life
who might have had it out for him,
someone who maybe had a grudge against nerdy prudes?
(mysterious music)
- What?
- Killer left a message,
written on the wall in your friend's blood.
"Nerdy prudes must die."
Now, does that mean anything to you?
- [All] No.
- Bailey, Shapiro, we got a problem at the old Waylon place.
We found another one. The Jagerman boy.
- [Bailey] Shit!
Let's go.
- Thanks for your help, kids.
- Yeah. Thanks for nothing!
- Oh, man!
Oh no!
- Well, we're fucked.
They found Max.
- Yes, Ruth. We are fucked!
For several reasons!
Nerdy prudes must die?
Those were Jagerman's last words exactly!
- Yeah, well, maybe it's a coincidence.
People tell me to die every day.
(audience laughing)
- I don't think so, Ruth!
I think somebody knows what we did,
and now they're after us!
- How could anyone know?
- Because someone spilled the beans!
All our cool beans!
I don't know about you guys, but I smell a heckin' rat.
Been talking to any telemarketers lately, Ruth?
- I wish!
- You're so desperate for attention,
maybe you thought you could get it
by dishing up a big old plate of juicy gossip!
- Okay, I admit it, it crossed my mind!
But, no, then my social anxiety kicked in,
and my mouth went all dry, and...
Don't bully me!
- Leave Ruth alone!
- Was it you, Steph?
Or maybe it was you, Spankoffski.
Someone told!
- Or there was someone else in the house that night.
- Don't be ridiculous.
Wait. (mysterious music)
(audience laughing)
Someone else in the house?
That could work.
- Grace, what are you thinking?
- Relax, ye of little faith.
I'm gonna get those pigs off our backs!
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering) (television beeping)
- [Announcer] This is Hatchetfield Action News
with Dan and Donna!
- [Dan] Shock.
Despair.
Tragedy.
All of Hatchetfield is reeling after an unspeakable loss,
a loss to the Clivesdale Chemists.
(audience laughing)
But chin up, Nighthawks. We'll get 'em next year.
- [Donna] In other news, two Hatchetfield High students
have been brutally murdered:
Richard Lipschitz and Maxwell Jagerman.
We're taking you live to City Hall
for an emergency press conference with Mayor Solomon Lauter.
- People of Hatchetfield, our town is no longer safe.
Two teenage boys are dead.
And until the murderer is brought to justice,
I am locking this city down.
We'll be implementing a strict curfew.
No one aged 18 or under will be out past sundown.
They'll be safe at home, or at school,
where I'll be posting police at every entrance.
- [Reporters] Mayor Lauter!
- Is there any truth to the rumor
that your daughter has been questioned by the police?
Is she a suspect?
- My daughter is cooperating fully with the investigation.
She has nothing to hide.
What about you, eh?
The killer could be any one of you.
So don't point your fingers at me.
Point them at your neighbors.
Your co-workers.
Watch your backs, Hatchetfield.
There is a serial killer in our midst.
♪ I've never known darker times ♪
♪ And I covered the protests live ♪
♪ At the Hatchetfield kennel ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ I am Dan Reynolds ♪
♪ With Action News weekdays at 10:00 p.m. ♪
♪ I hate to relay the news ♪
♪ But the football team might be screwed ♪
♪ Stay inside watch your children ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ 'Cause a losing streak's comin' ♪
♪ A losin' streak's comin' ♪
♪ There's a man on the loose and he's got a gun ♪
♪ Better put out the APB ♪
♪ The psycho's killed two ♪
♪ If he gets me next make it three ♪
♪ If he gets me next I could be three ♪
♪ We're chasing wild goose and we don't know how ♪
♪ Watch the blame go around ♪
♪ Man down down down down ♪
♪ Who's swinging the hatchet now in Hatchet Town ♪
♪ Someone's got their hands on the hatchet handle ♪
♪ Swinging on the youth it's a hatchet scandal ♪
♪ Careful or your folks will end up a cannibal's plate ♪
♪ It ain't great ♪
♪ You're better on the run than you are hiding ♪
♪ Suddenly this quiet town's exciting ♪
♪ I heard that their brains were soup ♪
♪ Their intestines were cut in two ♪
♪ So it's gotta be Donna ♪
- What?
♪ Yeah it's gotta be Donna ♪
Dan!
♪ Ziggy was in the school ♪
♪ We all know they're the local mule ♪
♪ Selling drugs to our children ♪
- So? Is that a crime?
♪ We know they love killing ♪
I certainly don't love killing.
♪ Barry's on the loose and he's got a gun ♪
♪ And he's got a motive to kill ♪
- I'm in a hurry!
♪ The case is closed ♪
♪ His description matches the bill ♪
♪ Fits the bill he fits the bill ♪
♪ The killer's gotta go for what he's done ♪
♪ If you don't take him in I will ♪
Get your hands off me!
♪ Man down down down down ♪
♪ Who's swinging the hatchet now in Hatchet Town ♪
♪ Lauter's got his hands on the hatchet handle ♪
- [Mayor Lauter] What, what, what?
♪ Swinging on the youth from his high mantle ♪
I am the mayor!
♪ Careful or your kids will end up on Charlie's plate ♪
- Excuse me?
♪ He just ate ♪ How dare you!
♪ You're better on the run than you are hiding ♪
♪ Suddenly this quiet town's divided ♪
♪ Singing all these songs gives him greater windows to kill ♪
♪ But we're singing still ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I remember before the lockdown ♪
♪ The sun was shining on our town ♪
♪ And our kids could walk the streets ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I remember the candy and rainbows ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ No hatred only halos ♪
♪ And I knew what a life could mean ♪
♪ Until Gerald ♪
♪ Went on his murder spree ♪
- I knew it was Gerald!
- Linda, call my lawyer.
- Let's kill him!
♪ Someone's got their hands on the hatchet handle ♪
♪ Swinging on the youth it's a hatchet scandal ♪
♪ Careful or your kids will encounter a terrible fate ♪
♪ We're at hell's gate ♪
♪ You're better on the run from this bloody-letting ♪
♪ Suddenly this show is real upsetting ♪
♪ It's looking like the Hatchet sun is setting on us ♪
♪ Who can we trust ♪
♪ Who's swinging the hatchet now ♪
♪ Can I shit or will I drown ♪
♪ Man down down down down ♪
♪ Who stepped on our hallowed ground ♪
♪ In Hatchet Town ♪
(audience cheering and applauding)
(anxious music)
- Hey, hey, hey!
School us on lockdown!
Where do you think you're going?
- Rehearsal.
I'm running the light board
for the school production of "The Barbecue Monologues".
- Oh, "Barbecue Monologues", eh?
I saw that in New York.
- Really? How was it?
- Fuckin' transcendent.
(audience laughing)
All right, move along.
- Okay.
(gentle music)
(Pete sighs)
(bird tweeting)
(audience laughing)
- Here's the thing about a barbecue.
(audience laughing)
It brings folks together.
From all walks of life.
There's a story behind every burger.
Every kah-bob.
(audience laughing)
I hope these stories tonight
are a lot like these patties here.
(meat sizzling)
Well done.
(audience laughing)
You hear that?
That's the sound of love.
- Family.
(audience laughing)
- Passion.
(audience laughing)
- Betrayal.
- I just wanna make him happy.
- I want my neighbor to finally notice me.
- I wanna remember who I am.
- This is the story of my barbecue.
- My barbecue. - My barbecue.
- My barbecue!
(audience laughing)
- These are our...
- [All] Barbecue monologues.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering and clapping)
- Hold!
That was great, guys.
Oh!
Okay, Caitlyn, can you give me a little more heart
when you say "my barbecue."
- Mm-hm. Yeah.
- Uh, Ruth, I think we missed a light cue.
- [Ruth] Well, someone got the cue-line wrong.
It's supposed "I wanna remember who I used to be," Trevor!
I lose my place when they don't stick to the script!
- All right, everyone, let's take 10,
then places for the top of the show.
- [All] 10!
- Ruth, we need to refocus that light center stage.
You think you can handle it?
- I guess.
(audience laughing)
God! I gotta do everything around here.
(Ruth muttering)
(audience laughing)
(gentle music)
Whoa.
So this is what it's like, huh?
To be in the spotlight instead of the booth.
Betcha I could do it.
Betcha I could.
At least as well as Caitlyn!
I could act.
If it wasn't for my anxiety.
And my greasy skin.
And my rainforest pits! Ugh!
In my dreams, I'm the star of the show.
In my dreams, it's my barbecue.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
(meat sizzling)
No, I haven't seen your grill brush, Maury!
Uh, yes, I used it to brush my hair this morning.
Can't you tell?
Oh, don't leave me out here with the meat, Maury!
Medium wha?
How can something be medium and well, Maury?
Ugh, Maury.
I turned 40 today.
(audience laughing)
(bouncy music)
(liquid pouring)
To me.
♪ Saturday we installed a new bay window ♪
♪ And it was something right out of a dream I never had ♪
(Ruth sighs)
♪ Saturdays belong to soccer practice ♪
♪ I pack their little cakes for after the games ♪
♪ They never win ♪
♪ And life is full of all of the trappings ♪
♪ Of the well-to-do ♪
♪ And life goes on ♪
♪ As I shop for shutters to obstruct the view ♪
♪ And life is fine ♪
♪ If only it were mine ♪
♪ But just for once I'd be the center of attention ♪
♪ Just for once remember what a life can be ♪
♪ Just for once I'll feel the light ♪
♪ Inside the burning of a candle ♪
♪ Living just for once ♪
♪ Living just for ♪
♪ 39 I lose my hair under careful chemo treatment ♪
♪ And I was not unhappy ♪
♪ About the attention I ensnared ♪
Judge me!
♪ It fucking worked I'm fucking here ♪
♪ He's fucking her I'm disappointed ♪
♪ There's still carpet in the bathroom ♪
♪ And of the two who's the worse for wear ♪
Me!
♪ We love our dogs especially Captain ♪
♪ He's a bull-shit mix ♪
♪ The pool is out the neighbors come rushing ♪
♪ Maury prefers their kids ♪
♪ And the world's a stage ♪
♪ When you're middle of age ♪
♪ But just for once my life could be just what I wanted ♪
♪ Just for once I'd feel the spark that I once knew ♪
♪ Just for once I'd feel the fight ♪
♪ Inside the burning of a candle ♪
♪ Something more than I can handle ♪
♪ Just for once ♪
♪ Should I flip the burgers now ♪
♪ Should I double check it's well done on the outside ♪
♪ But not within ♪
(Ruth shouts)
♪ Should I let the coals burn out ♪
♪ Should I let the years cook my body down in front of him ♪
♪ Oh oh just for once ♪
♪ Just for once ♪
♪ The other day the Johnson's borrowed my tap shoes ♪
♪ Their eldest daughter is beginning tap ♪
♪ It was no bother I never ever use them ♪
♪ I used to dance ♪
(Ruth sighs)
I found your grill brush, Maury.
(audience laughing)
It was right here all along.
(audience cheering and applauding)
- [Max] Boo!
Boo! Boo!
- Huh?
(eerie music)
Who's watching me?
- [Max] You fucking suck, Flem-wad!
- Oh no, my anxiety! (groans)
I'm gonna hurl!
No. No, no, please.
- [Max] What's the matter, Ruth?
Having a little stagefright?
(thunder cracks)
(Ruth screams)
- Max Jagerman? (stammers)
- I believe your next line is (mimics creaming).
(thunder cracks)
- [Ruth] I can't see! Somebody, help!
- Find your light, nerd!
(thunder cracks)
(Max cackles) (Ruth screams)
Oh, where you going, Ruth?
I wanna cast you as my leading lady.
She's got quite a death scene!
Let's raise the curtain, shall we?
- No!
- Project, Ruth!
They can't hear you in the back row!
(Ruth screams)
- Ow, my butt!
You're splitting me in two!
- Show's called "Big Fucking Wedgie"!
We're still in previews,
but critics say it's quite a killer!
(thunder cracks) (Ruth screams)
(Max growls)
- Max, please!
(audience laughing)
- What a stirring performance!
Take a bow, bitch.
(grim music)
- All right, everyone, we're back.
Places for the opening number.
- Ruth, did you get that...
(delicate music)
Oh my god.
Ruth.
No! (screams melodramatically)
(audience cheering and applauding)
- Afternoon, Miss Chasity,
Officer Bailey tells me you've come downtown
to share some information
regarding the ongoing murder investigation.
- Yes, I think I know who might be responsible.
- Really?
You seemed so tight-lipped the other day,
but I'm glad you're coming forward, Grace.
You want some coffee?
- I'm not allowed to have caffeine.
When my mom and dad drink coffee,
they let me have a cup of hot water
so I don't feel left out.
Can I have one of those?
- Oh, that can be arranged.
Plenty of hot water for you, Grace.
Bailey?
So, the night Max Jagerman died, you went for a bike ride?
- That's right.
I was passing the old Waylon house, on Hickory,
when I saw Max Jagerman hopping the fence.
"Strange," I thought.
"Why would anyone wanna go into that old, spooky house?"
I never would.
Then I saw a van pull up,
and a group of teenagers got out and followed Max inside.
I didn't think anything of it at the time,
but then, when I heard Richie got killed,
suddenly I remembered one crucial detail
that made everything make sense.
The van those kids were driving that night
had a bumper sticker on it that read "Chemists",
the mascot of Hatchetfield's sworn enemy, Clivesdale.
- Oh shit. Not Clivesdale.
(audience laughing)
- Think about it.
Who stands to gain from these murders?
Max Jagerman, our star quarterback,
and Richie, our beloved mascot?
With them on the field,
the Nighthawks would've trounced the Chemists.
They had to go.
Their murders were part of an insidious plot
to rig the big game.
We don't know how deep this goes,
but as far as I'm concerned, every citizen of Clivesdale
is guilty until proven innocent.
(audience laughing)
- Whew. Okay, Grace.
You want me to open an investigation
on the entire population of Clivesdale?
I could spend years on what might be a wild goose chase.
- Whatever it takes for justice to prevail.
- Well, thank you, Grace.
This is some incredible detective work.
- You're welcome.
- Don't know how to repay you.
(Grace chuckles)
Oh, wait!
Did you happen to lose a WWJD bracelet?
I found one in your principal's office.
I think you might've dropped it
when we brought you in for questioning.
Oh, that's where it went!
I've been looking for this thing everywhere!
- Don't mention it.
Oh! Silly me.
I didn't find that at your school.
I found it at the old Waylon place.
(tense music)
Underneath the floorboards, if you can believe it.
Right next to the body of Maxwell Jagerman.
Grace, Grace.
You're not half as smart as you think you are.
You say this group of mystery kids
followed Max into the Waylon house.
How'd they get in?
No broken windows. No sign of forced entry.
It's almost like they had a key.
Like maybe one of their dads was a realtor.
Isn't your dad a realtor, Grace?
- Uh, I don't think I should answer any questions
until I have a lawyer present.
(Shapiro chuckles)
- You're 18, Grace, and we can try you as an adult,
and I will personally make sure
they throw the fuckin' book at you
if you don't start playin' ball.
Your little story here accounts for Max and Richie,
but it doesn't mention the death of Ruth Fleming.
- Ruth's dead?
- So I don't know who's masterminding this murder spree,
but I know you're involved, and I want answers.
- I don't know anything!
- Bailey, place Miss Chasity under arrest.
- You have the right to remain silent!
Anything you say can and will be used against you
in the court of law!
- No, no, no, no!
You can't do this to me, okay?
This isn't my fault! This isn't my plan!
- [Shapiro] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's plan was it, Grace?
- It was God's plan!
(audience laughing)
And now he is leaving me out to dry!
Do something, you son of a bitch!
- All right. All right.
Put your hands behind you back!
Hey! Oh shit!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
Grace, Grace, put down the gun.
You don't want to do anything stupid.
I don't intend to.
I'm gonna go to the nearest church and claim sanctuary!
- That's not a thing, Grace!
- Don't follow me!
(dramatic music)
- Calling all units.
Putting out an ABP on one Grace Chasity.
She's an 18-year-old, Caucasian female.
She will be riding a pink Schwinn.
I repeat, a pink bicycle with a basket and ooga horn.
Don't let that fool you.
She is armed and extremely dangerous.
(audience cheering) (dramatic music)
(sirens wailing)
- Wow.
Look at all those cop cars.
I bet they're after a perp.
- A perp? Seriously?
- It's short for perpetrator.
I'm in the neighborhood watch now.
- Really?
Well, it sounds like the streets are safe again.
Thank god.
- Uh, well, if you see anything suspicious,
you can give me a call.
- And he gives me his number.
Very smooth.
You know, I see you in here all the time.
What's your name again?
- It's Paul.
- Excuse me!
(audience screams)
I have been waiting for what feels like five fucking years,
and I still have not received my goddamn hot chocolate!
(audience cheering and applauding)
- Sorry, sir.
(barista spits)
(audience laughing)
Here you go.
- Thank you.
(audience laughing)
- Jesus, Pete. Keep it together.
- Keep it together!?
There's a murderer on the loose, who knows what we did,
and we can't go to the police
without confessing to manslaughter!
- Yeah, well having a public meltdown
in the middle of a coffee shop
isn't gonna divert suspicion, is it?
- Oh, this is easy for you.
You're dad's the mayor.
He can get you outta all kinds of trouble.
My dad sells women's shoes!
(audience laughing)
I shoulda just kept to myself.
I never shoulda gotten mixed up with you.
- Me?
Oh, so you're saying this is my fault?
- It's simple causality.
This whole thing started
because you asked me to cheat on that test.
- Yeah, well you didn't have to say yes,
so, really, it's your fault!
- Don't spin this back on me.
- Ugh, you could've ignored me,
and I coulda copied off some other nerd.
But we both know you can't ignore me
because you're crazy about me.
- What?
(audience laughing)
- It's obvious.
You can't stay away from me.
- Oh, oh, really?
Because you're the one who invited me to Pasqualli's.
On the first date, Steph?
Have some respect for yourself.
- That was not a date!
I only go on dates guys who have the guts to ask me out,
which you've never done, by the way.
That dork at the Beanie's counter has more balls than you!
- Who says I wanna go on a date with you anyways?
- Oh, come on!
Like Micro-Peter wouldn't kill to go out with me?
- You know what, Steph?
I'm done.
(energetic music)
♪ I never wanted you anyway ♪
♪ I always knew my place and knew my lane ♪
♪ But you had to go and seduce and play your game ♪
♪ But I'm off that train ♪
♪ Wait a minute you're not off the hook ♪
♪ Who's the victim when you shoot me looks ♪
♪ I'd never go for a geek who'd spend the prom in the stall ♪
♪ If I loved you you would know it ♪
♪ If I loved you I would show it ♪
♪ If I loved you like you should be loved ♪
♪ If I loved you like I'm capable of ♪
♪ If you were the one I'm thinking of ♪
♪ Whoa oh ♪
♪ Oh babe I'd let you know ♪
♪ I mean we're graduating anyway ♪
♪ How's this gonna work when you are out of state ♪
♪ Ooh I guess we better save the date ♪
♪ You homecoming queen ♪
♪ The football team will meet your needs ♪
♪ You bet they can oh babe you bet they can ♪
♪ Don't need a lover boy need a lover man ♪
♪ Sure I'm a sapiosexual and you're intellectual ♪
♪ But I'll cut my lover losses when I can ♪
♪ If I loved you you would know it ♪
♪ If I loved you I would show it ♪
♪ If I loved you like you should be loved ♪
♪ If I loved you like I'm capable of ♪
♪ If you were the one I'm thinking of ♪
♪ Whoa oh ♪
♪ Oh babe I'd let you know ♪
♪ It's only now that I can see what you're hiding ♪
♪ You're using me just to move up ♪
♪ Wake me up when you turn 18 ♪
♪ Looks like you've got to grow up ♪
♪ Show me how I'm the user ♪
♪ When you're using your power ♪
♪ To slyly get all that you want ♪
♪ Wake me up when the mean girl is more than mean ♪
♪ If I ♪ ♪ If I ♪
♪ If I loved you you would know it ♪
♪ If I loved you I would show it ♪
♪ If I loved you like you should be loved ♪
♪ If I loved you like I'm capable of ♪
♪ If you were the one I'm thinking of ♪
♪ Whoa oh ♪
♪ Oh babe I'd let you know ♪
♪ I think you'd better go ♪
- [Both] You first!
(audience cheering)
- Leave room for Jesus!
(audience laughing)
- [Peter] Grace?
- How'd it go with the cops? Did they buy it?
- Did they buy it? Ha!
- Dag nammit! I need a dog-gone drink!
Gimme a cup of hot water, and make it strong!
(audience laughing)
- Grace, you're kinds freakin' me out here.
- Yeah. Are we in trouble?
Do we need to get ahold of Ruth?
- Good luck getting ahold of her.
Does your phone plan cover calls to hell?
- Hell?
- She's bisexual and dead! Where else would she be?
(audience laughing)
- Wait.
Wait. Ruth's dead?
- Apparently.
The three of us may need to get out of town.
- Grace, what did you do?
- The cops know everything, but don't worry.
I have a plan.
- No! No more of your plans!
- Just cool your beans, Steph!
Just cool 'em right the heck down.
- Oh my god! Is that a gun?
- Shut the front door, Spankoffski!
Get in here!
(suspenseful music)
Move over! - Sorry!
- This is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go down to the docks.
We're gonna commandeer a boat
and we're gonna sail it to Canada.
Okay, we may have to give up some of our liberties,
but at least we'll stay out of prison!
- Grace, this is crazy.
I'm not helping you flee the country!
- You better!
'Cause if I'm going down, you hosers comin' with me, eh.
Hear that?
I'm gonna blend right in.
- Excuse me, everybody! I'm a cop!
I'm looking for an 18-year-old, Caucasian female.
- Oh crud!
- Excuse me, officer.
I'm with the neighborhood watch.
I mighta had eyes on your perp.
- Sir, do not approach me!
Get your hands outta your pockets!
- Okay!
- Put your hands down! - I'm sorry!
- He's going for a gun!
- [Peter] Holy shit!
- Quick! Into the alley!
(pair grunting)
- Stop resisting! Stop resisting!
(barista shrieks)
(audience applauding)
(sirens wailing)
- Okay, okay, okay.
Cops are swarming the streets.
So, you know what?
We're gonna scale this wall
and we'll jump from rooftop to rooftop.
It'll work, 'cause we'll have the higher ground!
- Gimme that!
You have no idea what the hell you're doing.
Okay?
Every plan you've made over the past three weeks
has been a fucking disaster!
You ruined our lives, Grace!
- I know. (sobs)
I just haven't been thinking clearly lately.
All I wanted was to be a regular girl
with no sexual desire until she was safely married.
I never asked for this tickle in my mommy spot.
I've done so many terrible things,
like touching myself, and lying to the police.
(audience laughing)
- And dismembering a body.
- Well, we all did that, so.
But I called God a son of a B-word.
Who am I? (sobs)
- It's all right, Grace.
- Don't comfort her. She's fuckin' weird.
(audience laughing)
- You two go.
I'll turn myself in.
- No, Grace.
Unfortunately. we're in this mess together.
- A sentiment I understand all too well, Stephanie.
- [Peter] Whoa. Mayor Lauter!
- Dad, how'd you know I was here?
- Stephanie, please.
I've been bugging your phone since you were 12.
And for good reason.
The one week I take it away,
the one week I'm not watching you,
and you go off a do something cosmically stupid.
- Dad, we never meant to hurt anybody.
- I don't give a shit who you kill.
But you just had to go and do it in that house, didn't you?
You three are coming with me.
- Are you turning us in?
- To who? The police?
They can't stop him.
Nothing on Earth can stop him.
- Stop who?
- Get in the car.
(intense music)
(audience cheering and applauding)
(car zooms by)
It's a tough job to be the mayor of this town,
to stand sentinel at the gates of Hell.
With the office comes knowledge of certain
uncomfortable truths.
- What are you talking about?
- The Church of the Starry Children.
That's what they called themselves,
the Waylons and their little social club.
It's true, all of it,
the stories, the cult, the rituals.
- Told ya!
- But it wasn't delusion or madness.
They did have power.
For 150 years, the Waylons ruled this town.
It took an army of ax-wielding maniacs
to finally lay them low,
and even then they lived on, in a way.
For nothing that dies in Waylon Hall ever truly dies.
The Church saw to that.
It was a spell they cast on the house
to ensure their survival beyond the grave,
a spell that you three idiots unwittingly triggered.
And now someone else is back,
and he is making good on his promise.
- Nerdy prudes must die.
- Are you saying that Max Jagerman. is a fucking ghost?
- Ghost, demon, call it want you want,
but he can go where he pleases, do as he pleases.
You can't hurt him. You can't touch him.
But he can touch you.
You've created a literal monster, Stephanie.
- This is crazy.
It's not scientifically possible!
- Tell that to Max when you see him.
Maybe he'll just fly away.
(car rumbling)
- We're here, sir.
- Thank you, Miss Tessburger.
Well, out.
(suspenseful music)
(insects chirring)
- [Steph] What are we doing in the woods?
- I'm not doing anything.
You three are going to dig.
There.
The Waylons had a weapon. The source of their power.
When they were killed, it was lost.
I don't know how many hands it went through,
but 15 years ago, it came to me.
(eerie music)
- A book?
- The Black Book.
(thunder cracks)
The abominable tome.
Spells, incantations.
The keys to unlimited power.
But it all has a price, a terrible price.
And you three are going to pay it.
Because this isn't just about your worthless little lives.
Max won't stop with you.
Once you're dead, he'll kill all of the nerds, everywhere.
And he won't stop at killing, because that's all he is now.
- Okay.
Assuming this isn't all just one big mind-fuck,
how do we stop him?
With a spell, from your spell book?
- No spell can unmake what he's become.
to summon the things beyond the book,
those that give the book its power,
the dark gods the Waylons worshiped.
- You mean Satan?
- Oh, no. (chuckles)
They're much worse.
To survive this night,
you'll have to strike a bargain with the Lords in Black.
(thunder cracks)
- [Max] It's like I always say,
you gotta come to the woods to do some nerd-watching.
K-yuck, k-yuck, k-fuck!
- Who was that?
- [Mayor Lauter] Who do you think?
- Max?
- [Max] Surprise, Steph!
I've got one hell of a party planned for ya.
The last one you threw for me was such a killer,
I thought I'd return the favor, bitch!
- Max, what happened that night, it was an accident!
You know it was an accident!
- Stop trying to reason with it.
I gave you the book. Perform the ritual!
- We don't know how! You do it!
- No!
I'm not touching that book ever again!
You started this, Stephanie! You finish it!
- [Max] These woods always were a bitchin' make-out spot.
In fact, I just put the moves on this total smoke-show.
She gave me head in her car.
Check it out!
(head thuds)
(all screaming)
- Damn you, Miss Tessburger.
You were worthless.
(audience laughing)
(thunder cracks)
- Hiya, Mr. Mayor.
Ready for your recall?
- No, no, no. Max, remember.
Nerdy prudes must die.
That's not me. I'm an elected official.
I'm the most powerful man in Hatchetfield.
- I beg to differ, bitch.
- Of course, you are the most powerful.
But I can help you.
I have connections. I have friends.
I can buy you beer.
(audience laughing)
How does that sound, son?
- I hate politics.
It's for nerds!
- No, Max, don't do this.
- Watch out, Mr. Mayor.
Here comes the swing vote!
- No! No!
(Max growling) (Mayor screaming)
(shovel stabs)
- [Steph] Dad!
- Steph, we gotta keep moving!
- OMG! This book is crazy!
- Did you find that ritual?
- I think so.
But we can't perform it out here.
It needs to be performed at a black altar?
- What?
- One of five special places in Hatchetfield.
See? Look.
They're spread around town. There's a map.
- Okay.
- That's downtown, meaning that...
I don't know!
- It's the Starlight Theater.
And that's the Waylon place. And the old mill.
- It's Lakeside Mall now.
- All places the Waylons built.
- That would make one of 'em Hatchetfield High.
Right, Grace?
- Oh, shit! Someone's coming!
- Pete, get behind me! I've got a gun!
(audience laughing)
- Steph, it's a ghost.
I don't think that's gonna do any good.
- [Shapiro] On the ground, bitch! I'm a cop!
- Huh? - Huh?
- Heck! Heck no!
- Well, well. Grace Chasity, and her accomplices, huh?
Hands above your heads!
- Detective Shapiro, you have no idea what's going on.
If you just listen to me-
- Shut up, Chasity!
The only thing I'm gonna do is take you three in.
Back of the squad car, now!
(siren wailing)
- Officer, please. You have to listen to us.
We know who's killing everybody!
- So do I.
You three!
I don't know if this is some kind of sick club,
an online trend you found on Reddit.
I don't get you kids.
Poppin' Tide Pods like they're fuckin' candy!
(audience laughing)
- Detective Shapiro, are you a woman of faith?
- Catholic.
- I'll take that as a no.
(audience laughing)
Imagine you're a good Christian.
Sometimes you have to listen to people
and believe what they say, even if it sounds crazy,
against everything you know,
in spite of all your common sense.
- Grace, you are the least fucking persuasive person!
- I'm telling you Max Jagerman is the killer!
He's back from the dead,
and we're the only ones who can stop him.
(brakes screech)
- Are you outta your goddamn mind?
I examined the corpse of the Jagerman boy myself.
He was in pieces, just how you three left him!
He was gray. He was rotting.
He was- - There!
(thunder cracks)
- [Grace] He's right there!
- What the fuck?
(Max snarls)
- Drive, drive, drive, drive!
- Drive!
(tires squealing)
(suspenseful music)
- What was that?
- Now do you believe us?
- There's something not right here.
There's something deeply wrong with this whole town!
I always thought so!
I never shoulda left Chicago, damn it!
(electricity crackles)
- Ya miss the Windy City?
(thunder cracks)
Well, let me throw you through the windshield, bitch!
(windshield shatters)
(car crashes)
(dramatic music)
(Peter groaning)
- Steph! Are you okay?
- I'll live.
- Not for long.
Max is toying with us.
He could end this at any time!
- So then let's end him first.
Pete, is she okay? Can you feel a pulse?
- I have no idea what I'm doing.
(audience laughing)
But the school is quarter mile that way
if we cut through Pinebrook.
Come on.
(somber music)
- What do you think?
In here?
- Well, the gym's as good a place as any.
- Okay, here's the ritual.
"Holding Court with the Void."
- Steph, are you sure about this?
I mean, who knows what kind of door we're gonna open?
- We have to, Pete.
For Ruth, and Richie, and everyone.
Grace, summon these bastards.
(dramatic music)
- Okay.
We invoke the names.
♪ Pokotho ♪
♪ Bliklotep ♪
(eerie whispering)
♪ T'noy Keraxis ♪
♪ Nibblelinephym ♪
♪ Wiggog Y'rath ♪
♪ Ah-oh ah-oh oh ♪
♪ Oh-Oh ♪ ♪ Wiggog Y'rath ♪
(wind whistling)
- [Peter] Did it work?
- Hello, fwendy-wends.
(all screaming)
(thunder cracks) (dramatic music)
(Lords in Black cackling)
♪ Out of the depths of Hell and back ♪
♪ Us spawn of the Black and White ♪
♪ Cover our souls with robes of black ♪
♪ And take up the arms of night ♪
♪ Nibbleline wants his sacrifice ♪
♪ And Wiggly wants his wrath ♪
♪ We dance around the pentagram ♪
♪ And take all our kingdoms back ♪
♪ Babble the spell that gets it done ♪
♪ Babble it on command ♪
♪ Won't stop until all the blood is drawn ♪
♪ The lords and black demand ♪
♪ You summon us once you summon us twice, ♪
♪ You gamble it on a roll of the dice ♪
♪ La la la la la la ♪
♪ The devil has won it can't be undone ♪
♪ The book has all but closed on your life ♪
♪ The Lords in Black ♪
(gentle piano music)
- We've been watching you, Gracie.
Someone's been a little naughty!
- Oh boy, a Spankoffski!
I'm gonna have the whole set in my toy box!
- Stephanie! Yum yum!
- Are you the Lords in Black?
♪ Out of the depths of Hell and back ♪
♪ We travel very far ♪
♪ Cover our souls with robes of black ♪
♪ The Lords in Black we are ♪
- Don't be so formal, Stephie.
We're all paly-wals here.
I mean, look at us.
We even hold court in your own tongue and form.
Go Nighthawks!
(Lords in Black laughing)
- Our true forms would melt your minds.
- Don't frighten them, Pokey, you nasty boy.
- We need to stop Max Jagerman.
We heard you could help us.
♪ The Lords in Black will help you yes ♪
♪ You stupid silly girl ♪
♪ Why help you with the Jagerman ♪
♪ When we can help the world! ♪
- Hm, we could.
We could take hold of little Maxie
and pull him right down to Drowsy Town.
- Swallow his soul! I wanna lick it!
- But why?
Maxie-poo's about to get you.
Tear you all to bloody bits.
- I wanna see that.
(Lord in Black snickers)
- What about a bargain?
We'll give you whatever you want.
Just get rid of Jagerman!
- Whatever we want??
♪ Whatever we want we want we want ♪
♪ Whatever we want we get ♪
♪ Whatever you want you want you want ♪
♪ Forever in our debt ♪
Hm, what could you give to me?
Let me check my Christmas list.
Ah! There is something.
- What? What do you want from us?
- Something fun!
- Something tasty!
- Oh, you'll hardly miss it.
We just want what you cherish most.
That's all.
♪ The Lords in Black the Lords in Black call us ♪
(Lord in Black giggling)
- What we cherish most?
What do you mean?
- What do you want, Steph?
- One of you must give up the thing
you treasure above all else.
- Do it, or die!
- Treasure above all else?
I know what it is.
My phone!
(audience laughing)
My whole life's on this thing!
My contacts, my pictures!
♪ We don't give a shit about your phone ♪
(audience laughing)
We want what you really want.
You can't lie to us, Steph.
You can lie to yourself, but not to me.
Think about it.
Ah, there he is!
- Steph?
No.
- No!
- What's in your pocket, Stephanie?
♪ Stephanie has got a gun ♪
♪ Tra-La-La-la how fun ♪
♪ Stephanie has got a gun ♪
♪ She knows what must be done ♪
Put a bullet in his brain,
and we'll take Maxwell off your plate.
- I...
I can't!
- Pay the price, or fuck off!
♪ The Lords in Black the Lords in Black call us ♪
♪ Out of the depths of hell and back ♪
♪ Us spawn of the black and white ♪
♪ Cover our souls with robes of black ♪
♪ And take up the arms of night ♪
♪ You summon us once you summon us twice ♪
♪ You gamble it on a roll of the dice ♪
♪ La la la la la la la la la la ♪
♪ The devil has won it can't be undone ♪
♪ The book has all but closed on your life ♪
♪ The Lords in Black ♪
(thunder cracks)
(The Lords in Black cackling)
(audience cheering)
(melancholy music)
- Steph?
What did those things mean?
Who do they want you to kill?
- Pete, I think we need to talk.
- Hey, nerds!
Welcome to gym class.
Today, we're gonna play' kickball.
My foot, your balls, bitch!
- [Grace] We gotta get outta here!
(dramatic music)
- Run, nerds. Run.
(audience cheering and applauding)
- Come on, Pete!
We'll hop the fence, and we'll cross the football field,
and we'll keep running!
We'll hide!
- It doesn't matter where we go!
He'll find us!
There's only one way to end this.
Steph, I know what those things want you to do.
(melancholy music)
- No.
- All my life I just wanted a girl to like me.
But I guess it's not all roses, huh?
(Steph yells)
- This is all your fault, Spankoffski.
I just wanted to cheat off of a geek!
I didn't wanna like you. You made me.
Well, I refuse!
You give up what you want.
Your Pokemon cards or your comic collection,
or whatever it is you're into.
- It's you, Steph.
I'm into you.
No matter what, one of us has to die.
And not just to save the other. To save everyone.
Let me do it.
♪ You can call this luck ♪
♪ That's my perspective ♪
♪ One of us is in love ♪
♪ It doesn't take a detective ♪
- Pete, I can't...
I can't shoot you!
♪ Let me be cool this time ♪
♪ Let me take the bullet ♪
♪ Is it really a crime ♪
♪ If you get to live your life to the fullest ♪
♪ What do you think you're doing ♪
♪ What do you think I'm doing ♪
♪ What if you are wrong ♪
♪ What if I am wrong ♪
♪ What if I should go ♪
♪ You get to live on ♪
♪ If I really really really did love you ♪
♪ You'd have to say ♪
♪ I know. ♪
♪ You're not as cool as you think you are ♪
♪ But you're as smart as I know you are ♪
♪ If I loved you ♪
♪ If I can finally be cool ♪
♪ If I loved you ♪
♪ I would show it ♪
♪ If I ♪
♪ And if I finally break the rules ♪
♪ I would know that ♪
♪ You have to do it ♪
♪ If I loved you ♪
♪ You would know it ♪
♪ If I loved you ♪
♪ I couldn't show it ♪
♪ If I loved you like you should be loved ♪
♪ Loved you more than the stars above ♪
♪ Loved you like I could've ♪
♪ Whoa oh ♪
♪ I'd I have to let you go ♪
♪ I'd have to let you go ♪
♪ I'd have to let you ♪
- Hey, Steph?
If things were different,
would you wanna go to Homecoming with me?
- I'd like that, Pete.
I'd really like that.
- Cool.
I'm ready.
♪ I never wanted you anyway ♪
Please, Steph.
Just do it.
Please.
(gun fires)
(Max beat boxing)
(audience laughing)
(Max hollering)
- Whoa!
Careful with that thing, Steph!
(bullet clinks)
You might hurt someone, and that's my fuckin' job!
- Stay away from her!
- Hey, I just took a bullet for you, bro!
(audience laughing)
Gimme a break!
(Max grunts) (Pete screams)
- [Steph] Pete!
- I wanna thank you, Steph.
I used to worry my life would be over after high school.
Now I see, the afterlife's not so bad.
It's just poundin' nerds!
Once I'm done with you butt-nuggets,
I'll take care of the losers over at Sycamore.
Then the whole damn town of Clivesdale!
All the nerdy prudes must pay!
But I'm gonna start with you, Steph.
You lured me to that house.
You betrayed me!
You fuckin' Judas!
- So you do know the Bible!
(audience laughing and clapping)
- Grace?
- Grace, get outta here!
- I always something about your wrath that was so
Old Testament!
(audience yells)
- Huh?
- I used to have a crush on another guy
who rose from the grave.
But Jesus never threw a football like you, Max.
(audience laughing)
- Grace, what are you doing?
- Shut your fuckin' fart-hole, Spankoffski!
I wanna hear this.
As you were saying, Grace?
(audience laughing)
- You were right about me, Max.
I tried to hide it, pray it away, but you were right.
I'm a dirty girl.
- Fuck yeah!
(audience laughing)
- And I've been in my bathtub every night,
brewing up a big, old pot of dirty-girl soup just for you.
- What?
(audience laughing)
Uh, it's what you call my bathwater in my sexual fantasies.
(Max gasps)
- That's nasty!
I like it!
(audience laughing)
- Oh yeah? You dirty dude!
- What the fuck is happening right now?
- Take me, Max, right here on the 50 yard line!
- But, Grace, I gotta kill these nerds.
- Are you really gonna pass this up?
Are you gonna come under the bleachers with me,
or am I gonna need to find another stud to use?
(Max stammers and growls)
- I'll be right back!
(audience laughing)
(Max and Grace shouting)
- What're we watching?
(audience laughing)
- Are they...
Holy cow, they're doing it!
Grace is having sex with a fucking ghost!
(overlapping shouting and groaning)
- [Max] I am Jagerman!
I am god!
(thunder booms)
(Max and Grace groaning)
(audience cheering)
- Wow. I needed that.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, uh, Grace, where are you going?
Don't you wanna cuddle a little bit?
- Max, I just gave you a gift.
A very special gift.
In fact, I just gave you what I cherish most.
My chastity.
(thunder cracks) (Lords in Black cackling)
You know what that means, right?
It means you're going to hell now.
- What?
- I paid the price. Now fuck off!
(Lords in Black cackling)
(Max screaming)
- No! Let go of me!
What's happening??
(thunder cracks)
What's happening?
- [Lord In Black] Hello, Maxie.
- What are you?
- [Lord In Black] Oh, what wonders
await you down here in the black.
You're in my world now, bitch.
No!
No, no, no, no! (Lords in Black cackling)
No, no, no, no!
Whatever!
It was fucking worth it!
(Max growling)
Go Nighthawks!
(thunder cracks)
(audience cheering)
- Hello, everyone!
Eyes on me.
Brooke, up here!
Students of Hatchetfield High,
it's been a rough couple of weeks, hasn't it?
You've lost more than your fair share.
Your classmates. Your mayor.
The big game.
(audience laughing)
Don't worry. We'll get 'em next year.
But the point is, you got through it, together.
Tonight is your Homecoming.
Enjoy it, Nighthawks.
Caw caw!
(audience cheering)
- All right, come on in.
Let's go. Let's go!
Okay! All right.
Geez.
Hey! Empty your pockets!
- Whoa, whoa! What's this?
- I dunno.
I should give you an M.I.P.
Get in there!
Don't let me see you the rest of the night.
Well, well, Stephanie Lauter and Peter Spankoffski.
You think you two can stay outta trouble for one night?
- I'm not making any promises.
- What the fuck you just say to me?
- Yes!
(audience laughing)
Yes, ma'am. Yeah.
- Get in there.
- So you really think those kids
had nothing to do with the murders?
- Don't know. Don't care.
- And you're just gonna let Grace Chasity walk?
- I am gonna get some fucking coffee.
- Come on, Shapiro, hot-shit, city detective.
Hey! How do you explain the mayor's disappearance, huh?
- It's Hatchetfield. People go missing everyday.
- Wow. Homecoming.
You know, for a minute there,
I didn't think we'd see it.
- Well, I had a change of heart
and decided not to get the dance canceled.
- Thanks, Grace.
- Well, gotta go. My date's waiting.
Did you guys know Jason goes to my church?
Only for Christmas and Easter, but we're working on it!
(audience laughing)
Jason!
- Well, shall we?
- Uh, you should know I'm a terrible dancer.
- Oh, just let me take the lead.
I took four years of tap.
Mom said it'll help me make friends.
Boy, was she wrong.
(audience laughing)
- You're such a nerd.
But the bow tie's growing on me.
(energetic music)
♪ I never wanted to love you ♪
♪ Like I do ♪
♪ I never wanted to hold you ♪
♪ Like I do ♪
♪ I wanted I needed ♪
♪ The kind of love from someone else ♪
♪ We hurted we bonded ♪
♪ Like glue pulled off the shelf ♪
♪ Oh then the night falls on the town ♪
♪ Oh just as we start lying down ♪
♪ I'm the best of you ♪
♪ And you're the best of me ♪
♪ And together we are free to run around ♪
♪ 'Cause I believe in you ♪
♪ And you believe in me ♪
♪ And together we are never gonna fall ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ I am the best of I am the best of you ♪
♪ You are the best of you are the best of ♪
♪ It's like you knew me before you knew me ♪
♪ It's like you saw me before you saw me ♪
♪ It's like you threw me it's like you fooled me ♪
♪ It's like you test me but not to best me ♪
♪ I needed I wanted ♪
♪ The kind of love from someone else ♪
♪ We hurted we bonded ♪
♪ Absconded beloved ♪
♪ Lights up on the town ♪
♪ Oh just as we start lying down ♪
♪ Forever ♪
♪ I'm the best of you and you're the best of me ♪
♪ And together we are free to run around ♪
♪ We're gonna run around tonight ♪
♪ 'Cause I believe in you and you believe in me ♪
♪ And together we are never gonna fall ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ I never wanted to love you ♪
♪ Like I do ♪
♪ I never wanted to hold you ♪
♪ Like I do ♪
♪ I never wanted to love you ♪
♪ Like I do ♪
♪ I never wanted to hold you ♪
♪ Like I do ♪
(audience cheering and applauding)
(soft music)
- I had a really nice time tonight, Grace.
- Me too, Jason.
- I can't believe we ever used called you a two-bagger.
I think the reason I always used to put you down
was because I always thought you were pretty.
- Well, you can make it up to me if you like.
- How?
- Kiss me?
- Oh!
Okay!
(audience laughing)
- That was absolutely disgusting!
- What?
- Really, Jason? Kissing on the first date?
You think we're grown up enough for that?
- Grace, we're 18.
- Exactly! We're only 18.
You're a dirty dude, aren't you, Jason?
Well, someone needs to rid this town
of horny pervs like you!
- Grace, what are you doing?
- Invoking the names. (cackles)
(intense music)
You see, this spell lets me devour your soul.
The souls of the pervs make me strong!
(Grace cackles)
- Grace, you're freaking me out!
♪ You think I'd stop with him ♪
Who?
♪ You think the time that I was chaste ♪
♪ Was being waste on a holy mission? ♪
Grace, what are you talking about?
♪ I'm the girl you thought you knew ♪
♪ Just keep your hand there on my thigh ♪
♪ Like all the guys who came before you ♪
♪ Are you hard because you're stressed ♪
What?
♪ Or is there some power I now possess ♪
♪ Dirty dudes must die ♪
♪ Everybody cool watch us nerds destroy your kind ♪
♪ Chasity will rise ♪
♪ Your soul will be my prize ♪
♪ Everybody cool watch me score rewrite the lore ♪
♪ Of the nerds you minimized ♪
I'm getting outta here!
- Run, you little bitch!
♪ Who will pray for you ♪
♪ When your body's gone ♪
♪ This is the consequence for what you've done ♪
♪ The darkness will spare my soul ♪
- Run, dudes.
Run!
♪ High school is killing me ♪
♪ It's got me all out of rhythm and my melody ♪
♪ My melody my melody ♪
♪ It's not cool it's a tragedy ♪
♪ I've been thrown to the wolves of the community ♪
(students howling and growling)
♪ And I can survive it ♪
♪ For only so long ♪ ♪ For only so long ♪
♪ And I'll still despise it ♪
♪ When I am gone ♪ ♪ When I'm gone ♪
♪ High school is killing me ♪
♪ I'm so fucking dead ♪
♪ I've never known darker time ♪
♪ And I covered the protests live ♪
♪ At the Hatchetfield kennel ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ I am Dan Reynolds ♪
♪ With Action News weekdays at 10:00 p.m. ♪
♪ I hate to relay the news ♪
♪ But the football team might be screwed ♪
♪ Stay inside watch your children ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ 'Cause a losing streak's comin' ♪
♪ A losin' streak's comin' ♪
♪ There's a man on the loose and he's got a gun ♪
♪ Better put out the APB ♪
♪ The psycho's killed two ♪
♪ If he gets me next make it three ♪
♪ If he gets me next I could be three ♪
♪ We're chasing wild goose and we don't know how ♪
♪ Watch the blame go around ♪
♪ Man down down down down ♪
♪ Who's swinging the hatchet now in Hatchet Town ♪
♪ Someone's got their hands on the hatchet handle ♪
♪ Swinging on the youth it's a hatchet scandal ♪
♪ Careful or your folks will end up a cannibal's plate ♪
♪ It ain't great ♪
♪ You're better on the run from this bloody letting ♪
♪ Suddenly this show is real upsetting ♪
♪ It's looking like the Hatchet sun is setting on us ♪
♪ Who can we trust ♪
♪ Who's swinging the hatchet now ♪
♪ Can I shit or will I drown ♪
♪ Man down down down down ♪
♪ Who stepped on our hallowed ground ♪
♪ In Hatchet Town ♪
(thunder rumbling)