That was good.
Top dog, big dog, bad dog.
Who's the best dog?.
That's my dog.
Who's the best dog?.
That's my dog.
It's a big, bad dog.
Number one dog. Dog at the top.
Slow down, Fido. We need to talk.
-Yeah? -Vince.
You see the Vitagirl numbers?. You hit that demographic dead on.
Yeah, looking good.
-T alk about what?. -Us.
We're 24 hours away from fast-food fame...
...or oblivion. Will you sign off on that copy?.
No.
No? What do you mean, no?
Nelson, we 've been killing ourselves with this--
- What? -Meet you in 20.
Nelson!
I remember growing up.
-Summertime... -I'm starving!
-...baseball... -Ready for the game?
- You bet. -Go get 'em!
...and Dr. Diggity Dogs.
Us. Isn't there some kind of limit on the " us" talks?.
One, okay. Two, if necessary.
Three, cruel and unusual.
Great dog, big dog.
Forgot about my parents, didn't you?.
I can't make it. I' m sorry.
Nelson, this is their third trip to the city.
You could make an effort.
This is important to me.
This account is very important to me.
It's Dr. Diggity, practically an American institution.
American institution.
Dr. Diggity. Amer--
No.
You know, there are people who don't work 24 hours a day.
They stop, relax...
... have lives.
I have a life, Angelica. And l' m late for it.
I'm not sure I like the tag line.
It needs to be deadpan.
-I want to play with it. -lf it ain't broke, don't fix it.
That rule applies to mediocrity.
-We want perfection. -We want a check.
You worry too much.
Worrying about losing keeps you winning.
Congrats.
Nelson, you got the Ad Age for the Pelican spot.
Give that to me.
Look, it says "team. " l' m "team. "
God!
-Morning, Mr. Moss. -Thanks.
-Vince. -Beatrice, I'll have the--
Edgar Price is coming out of retirement.
Says he's tired of being ripped off, might as well rip himself off.
Edgar Price, huh?.
Was the best.
Remember that Mercedes ad?.
The car, floating in outer space, comes right at you.
Genius.
Check this out.
What?.
Balance.
How's my dream team?. Got it locked up?.
Sure, chief. Just finessing--
No, no, it's all locked up.
-It's minor details. -Minor.
See that?.
Make it happen.
Red! Blood red!
I can't read this. Is English her second language?.
You'll love these frames. I ran with your idea.
It's still your idea, just better. Client will love it.
Ethnic.
Give me a bonfire, three-quarter.
-More cleavage, more dogs. -There's three girls.
-Let's make this night. -Night?.
What's this, porno?.
You said you wanted edge.
-I don't feel it. -There you are.
-Blood red. -Forget your 1 :00 at the DMV?.
Reschedule.
I don't have time.
Wait till the presentation's over.
If you don't renew today, they'll suspend your license.
You get pulled over, they can throw you in jail.
Bet you don't have time for that either.
Nobody beats the DMV. Not even you.
Bye-bye.
I got it.
-I don't feel it. -Not feeling it. Blood red.
Blood red! Let's go, let's bleed!
Thanks.
All right, there will be no talking, eating or drinking...
...during the test.
If your personal hygiene becomes a distraction...
...you'll be asked to leave.
Sorry.
If you need to use the bathroom, raise your hand.
Would you pass me the Colombo, please?.
Yeah, the salami.
Thanks.
You cannot take the test with you to the bathroom.
If you do not come back from the bathroom...
...you cannot pass the test.
You may begin.
Falling rocks?.
Oh, Christ!
Hey.
Number nine...
...true or false?.
Oh.
I' m not there yet.
Sorry.
-But when I do mine-- -Excuse me.
Bring your test papers forward, please.
Me?.
You.
With the scarf, yes.
I wasn't cheating.
Why would I cheat on a DMV test?.
You may retake the test in 30 days.
That's a joke, right?.
Thirty days?.
That's a whole month.
Great.
Fine.
Guess I'm going.
Walking.
Hey...
...good luck.
Shane and Dunne.
-Nelson Moss for Vince. -One moment.
-Did Ruben tweak the music?. -No, he said it's fine.
Shit.
Cut him.
Get Johnson McDonald. Give him the sample. T ell him--
-You 've lost your mind. -No, beg him for 1 0 tomorrow.
-That's crazy! -How did it go?.
Did you get your license?.
-Vince. - What?
What do you think about this?. "Barking mad for Dr. Diggity. "
- That sucks. -Congratulations.
You can read.
-Call you back. -No, no--
Can I help you?.
Can you help me?.
Yeah.
That's your van, isn't it?.
Is this your car?.
Wow.
-Nice. -You can't drive, right.
No.
This is the way that you....
Right.
Shit.
How much do you make a month?.
Doesn't look like much.
I'll cover your expenses.
Here, call my secretary.
We'll work it out.
Is this quest for redemption from remorse?.
Or are you scared my sitting on your car will cause a dent?.
The dent.
That's what I thought.
What are you doing?.
Buying redemption.
Redemption's not for sale today.
Sorry.
Okay.
Guess I'm going to hell.
Get off the car.
Okay.
Bye.
Yeah, here we go.
I' m gonna get it.
Get it.
Okay.
What is it?.
It's a hot dog.
It's a hot hot dog.
It's a hot dog.
Yeah?.
Mr. Moss, it's Manny from downstairs.
We have a bit of a situation. There 's a lady here...
... who 's saying strange, personal things about you.
You can 't talk to him!
-Move over. - You can 't talk to him.
I can talk to him. Look, I'm going to.
How are you, big spender?
Remember me? I'm downstairs. You want to come down here?
I can 't stop thinking about you.
-Did he hear me? - Yeah.
- You sure? -I think he hear you.
Hello?
Yeah.
Okay, I'll--
- What? -I'll see you in five.
Okay, I'm down here.
Okay?
Then my wife, she says to me:
"You can fix nothing. "
So then she leaves me for plumber.
-No. -Yeah, plumber.
Look at that, Manny.
My very own Prince Charming.
I don't think I've ever met such a royal asshole in my entire life.
So does your mom know you treat women like hookers...
...or did she raise you to believe...
...that being nice means patronizing the whole world?.
Uh-oh, I smell trouble.
-Can I talk to you?. -Yeah.
Bye, Manny.
-How did you find me?. -l' m smart.
So, I need a ride.
Is this a joke?.
Well, you' re the reason I can't drive.
So the least you can do is schlep me somewhere.
It'll be painless. Where's your car?.
Been a ball, but some of us have to work.
Please don't make me throw a tantrum.
Would you like to get naked with us?. We have a tub full of fudge!
Ignore her.
-lt'll be fun! -lgnore her.
-He's cute! -What are you doing?.
You know what?.
You' re a flasher. A flasher!
-lt has to stop. -Mr. and Mrs. Johnson.
-Don't walk away! -I'll call the police.
-He keeps flashing! -Medication.
Are you nuts?.
I live here.
Do you have any shame?.
Well, I just want a ride.
Please?.
Oh, by the way...
... I' m Sara Deever.
Nice to meet you.
You want to get in the right lane.
-Put your indicator-- -I know how to drive.
Okay.
You want to take the 80 to Oakland.
-Oakland?. -Yeah.
-You said this would be quick. -I also said it would be painless.
This is really nice of you to do this for me.
And I'm sorry if I went too far, but I did need this ride.
So I really appreciate it. Thanks.
Right here.
What do you plan to do with that?.
Commit a heinous crime. What else?.
You'll wait for me, right?. Right?.
Of course you will.
What am I doing?.
Go! Go!
Go, go, go!
Oh, my God!
That was so great!
Feel like Bonnie and Clyde?.
No, I don't.
-Why not?. -They got shot.
-Don't open it. I don't want to know. -Just relax.
They' re just my little furry friends. Say, " Hi, Nelson. "
Somebody was gonna do nasty little experiments on your brains.
But I wouldn't have it.
What do you do, by the way?.
I'm in advertising.
Advertising.
So you enjoy it?.
People tend to enjoy what they're really good at.
Besides your job, what else makes you miserable?.
I mean, what do you do for fun?.
I didn't think so.
No hobbies?.
No diversions?. No kinky obsessions?.
For one quick second there, I thought you--
Just get in the car.
Want to come up for cocoa?.
As titillating as the evening's been, l' m afraid not.
Okay.
How about I make you a deal?.
Come up for one cup, and I'll never ask you for another ride.
No, thanks.
Okay.
Thanks.
I'll see you tomorrow then.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hold on.
8:00 is good for you, right?.
You, me, Manny, the doorman, that whole thing?.
Come in.
There you guys go.
I can help you.
See, I have a gift.
A special ability to help men with problems.
I don't have problems.
Now, see that, usually, is the first sign.
Of what?.
Denial.
Denial?.
First of all, I think you work too much.
Really?. And what do you know about work?.
Plenty.
You admitted you do nothing else and it doesn't make you happy.
I admitted nothing. I was silent.
No special interests, no pets.
You hate dogs.
Busted.
Actually I do have a pet, a fish.
A fish?.
Doesn't count. Cold-blooded. Sorry.
No, you are a walking case study.
Look at you.
You' re a workaholic at such an advanced stage...
...that your intimacy skills have withered away to almost nothing.
Left untreated...
...you could become emotionally extinct.
Out of sheer perverse curiosity...
... how does a lunatic like you help a guy like me?.
You live in a box.
I could lift the lid...
...Iet some light in.
Wow, that's deep.
I feel almost cured just hearing it.
Well...
...if you want my help...
...it'll require a commitment on your part.
You have to live with me here for a month.
No more, no less...
...and no work allowed.
You don't even know me...
...and you' re inviting me to move in?.
And how's my girlfriend supposed to feel about that?.
Girlfriend?.
You don't have a girlfriend.
I mean, it's something you feel.
There's something intimate a woman leaves on a man that you don't have.
Her name's Angelica.
Well, I feel sorry for Angelica.
Great.
I'll relay that to her when I leave. Which is...right about now.
October's almost over.
We can start midnight...
...first of November.
If you' re brave enough to commit, I'll devote myself entirely to you.
Brave enough, but not stupid enough.
Now listen up, moonbeam.
Here's how it works.
No more harassment. No more rides.
No more extortion.
Next time you come into my building...
... I really will call the cops.
This is your image, Mr. Leach.
We polled your primary demographic.
IKnow what 89 percent said?.
"Boring. "
"Safe. "
We need to drop a bomb.
You don't want hot dogs "safe. "
What's in a hot dog?.
Don't tell me. I don't want to know.
They' re dangerous.
What are we selling here?.
We' re selling temptation, desire...
...animal instincts...
...gluttony, sin.
We want to show man as he really is.
A savage.
He needs fire. He needs food.
He hunts and gathers.
What does he get?.
He gets a hot dog.
We' re pagans.
We love our rituals.
Our team hits a home run, we' re screaming.
What do we want?.
We want a hot dog.
Let's go to your preteen demographic.
IKids, the little angels.
They' re not. They' re monsters.
We give them a tuna sandwich, they don't want a tuna sandwich.
They want a hot dog!
We need women.
We've got the mothers...
...we want their daughters.
Let's ask that age-old question:
"What does a woman really want?. "
You know.
I know.
She wants a hot dog.
We' re hot-blooded. We need sex!
We need a sinful, dangerous food!
What is it?.
It's a hot dog!
It's a hot dog.
"Dr. Diggity. It's a hot dog. "
No.
No?.
What do you mean?.
It's not for us.
You don't understand our company.
I don't understand?.
What did you ask us for?.
Edge.
This is edge.
We're going with Baker Bohanon.
I think you're making a mistake.
I've seen your sales. You're in big trouble.
Oh, no. We are America's favorite hot dog, son.
Were. Were.
You' re a dinosaur.
You' re flat-lining.
You' re dead meat.
And you just went too far, you little punk.
So I'll tell you what I really think of your campaign.
This is cheap, tasteless crap.
Really?.
That's funny, because so is your product.
Stop it.
I make a wholesome hot dog, you prick.
It's mystery meat.
-Come on, Nelson! -It's toxic waste in a tube!
You' re killing me!
You' re killing us! You're killing all of us!
Mr. Leach! Hey, buddy!
What the hell happened in there?.
I know.
Can you believe that asshole?.
Baker Bohanon.
I've always said you're brilliant. A machine.
But I knew one day you'd snap, and we'd all burn.
What are you talking about, burn?.
You know what was at stake?. How many millions you lost?.
You just dragged my agency's name through the gutter.
Hold on a second.
Gutter?.
I'm the best thing this agency's got.
And that rabid dog routine makes you the best?.
I don't think so. It makes you a wreck!
It makes you a liability.
You need a vacation. Now.
Screw vacation.
Give me another account. Come on.
Nelson, did you hear me?.
T ake a vacation.
Short or permanent, your choice.
Are you threatening me?.
That's hilarious.
I' m two Clio's ahead of the game, Ray.
You can't afford to lose me.
You' re fired.
Say that again.
I don't think I heard you.
You're fired!
God, am l...
...glad to see you.
You've got to be kidding me.
Mr. Moss?.
Are you doing okay?.
I' m fine.
You have a deliv--
You have delivery.
-Leave it! -I do not think you want me do that.
It's from the crazy lady from the other night.
She tell me I have to deliver in the flesh.
I said, leave it!
Okay.
You've got to be kidding me.
Hey!
Do me a favor. Stay out of my life.
Goodbye.
Is that Ernie?.
It's Ernie!
I missed you so much! Hi.
Did you rethink my offer?.
I don't feel like playing the Deever Mad Hatter game.
What is this?.
-What happened?. -Nothing.
-Can I look at it?. -Why?.
Because l' m a vampire.
Because it's bleeding.
And maybe.... Maybe I can help you.
What are you after?. What do you want from me?.
You should come with me.
Why are you sending me dogs?.
So, what did you do today?.
What did I do today?.
I got fired.
They took the company car...
...and my girlfriend left me.
Perfect.
Define " perfect. "
Well...
...it's the first of November.
Our month to be together.
You' re actually serious about this.
Oh, yeah. Very.
You think I'm just gonna drop everything?.
I don't want to bust your bubble, but it sounds like you already have.
Live here...
...and let you mess with my head for a whole month?.
I don't know if I would put it that way...
...but yeah, I think you should.
I' m sorry, I can't stand watches.
So this...
...whatever you call it--
-Help. -" Help. "
What are you doing?.
T aking your shirt off.
Why?.
So you can clean up.
Why?.
Because you smell like puppy pee.
Just for the night.
Whoa. Hey.
Okay.
What?.
Slow, you know.
Yeah.
Gentle.
Look at me.
This is not very comfortable.
Wait, what are you doing?.
What does it look like I'm doing?.
Wait, just go slow.
Just--
What's wrong?. What's wrong?.
-Where are you going?. -T o hell with this!
But, wait--
Please wait!
Will you just wait a second?.
I have no words to describe how positively wacked you are.
-What are you so pissed off about?. -This has been the day from hell.
I don't need you telling me what to do in the sack!
-I didn't mean to. I just-- -Just what?.
Making sure your game was going according to plan?.
-It's not a game. -Really?.
Then just what is it exactly?.
I'm trying to help you.
I don't need help.
It doesn't get much sweeter than this.
What I'm offering is a win-win situation.
Yeah?. And what do you get out of it?.
I get to help you.
I don't understand you. This whole thing--
You don't need to understand me.
You just need to let it happen.
Please, don't go.
Why not?.
Because I know you don't want to.
Have you ever considered a career in sales?.
No.
Well, you should.
You' re relentless.
Nelson...
...would you like to be my November?.
Yes.
-What's your name?. -Raquel.
That's a beautiful name.
Could you put an extra shot of chocolate in my mocha?.
Chocolate's an aphrodisiac. Did you know that?.
You look great in that smock. Yeah.
-Vince. -Where are you?. I've been calling--
-Edgar Price. -Edgar Price?
-Edgar Price. -Edgar Price. What, what, what?.
-Can you get us a meeting?. - You and me?
You and me. Edgar Price's new company.
-Game?. -That's brilliant. That's genius.
I'll do that. They stuck me with that loser, John Heedley.
-Can 't go on like this. -Vince?.
-Call me with news. -Absolutely.
Hey!
-Stop what you' re doing, right now. -Why?.
Because it's the same boring thing you do every day of your life.
And you can't do that with me.
What's wrong with your TV?.
Good morning.
It doesn't work.
Of course it doesn't. It's a planter.
Right.
-Where are my clothes?. -I gave them away.
You what?.
I gave them away.
Oh, but...
...Iook at this.
Oh, yeah, baby!
Freedom. No more suits.
I got you those.
Sara, this is not helpful. Give me my shirt and pants back.
What?. It's clothes.
It's just gonna cover your body. What do you care?.
Hey, do you like cheese?.
Hey there, Ernie. Hi!
Ernie, are you sad?. Do you miss your brother?.
You'll stay with me until we find you some decent parents.
Hey, by the way, when do I get to meet your parents?.
My parents are dead.
I' m sorry.
Sara, l' m not amused. I want my clothes back. Now.
I told you, I gave them away.
I promise, I'll never lie to you.
So...
...would you like vegan sausage, vegan bacon....
That's all we got now. Huh?.
I make it with a lot of vegan butter so it gets nice and black and crispy.
But if you don't like it that way, I won't make it that way, okay?.
Hey, hey.
Three hours sleep last night.
T ried valerian root, melatonin, the Shopping Channel.
You know what did the trick?.
-What?. -Jimmy Cagney.
Public Enemy. Violence as a tranquilizer.
How twisted is that?.
You're looking very sexy today.
-Yeah?. -Yeah.
Wow.
I do believe that is my favorite sweatshirt I see.
You must be November.
I must be November?.
That's Nelson.
Hey, Nelson. How are you?.
-l' m Chaz. -Hey.
You know what?.
IKeep the sweatshirt. It looks better on you.
Is this some kind of a communal-culty- squeaky-Charlie type of deal?.
That's very good. He's really funny.
Much cooler than October. A lot of good he was.
I gotta go.
-I love you, baby. -I love you.
-You sure you don't want any food?. -And get fat like you?.
-See you around, Nelson. -See you.
I think I'll pull myself out of monthly rotation while I'm ahead.
What?. Nelson.
-Who the hell was that, your pimp?. -Chaz?.
Chaz lives downstairs. We look after each other.
I think Chaz can take care of himself.
He just needs a good night's sleep.
-Hi, sweetheart, how are you?. -Hey, guys. Nelson....
-Sorry. -It's okay.
I was trying to introduce you. That's Al and Osiris.
They own that bookstore.
They used to be friends with Jack lKerouac.
I don't care. I don't read.
Sara, can you spare 1 5 bucks?.
Bruce, I gave you those clothes. Why are you so greedy?.
That's my shirt! Those are my pants!
-Doesn't it feel good to give?. -No!
-You November?. -Where am l?.
You have to meet.
Nelson, this is Abner. Abner, Nelson.
Abner's gonna set a world record one day.
-What's today's project?. -Standing on one leg. Want to time me?.
I have to break the record of 300 hours.
-No. -Loser.
Get a life.
Good one.
You let a 1 0-year-old wind you up?.
Forget him. What about you?.
You sleep with half the city, get the whole neighborhood involved.
-You'd prefer if I was a virgin?. -Considering the alternative, yes.
I'm yours.
All yours.
Look, Sara, you' re great.
You' re a very sexy, smart, interesting, somewhat unusual woman.
But we-- I always think it's best to clarify issues.
You are the most egotistical man I've ever met.
I am talking about a month.
The truth is, I don't have a month. Time is money.
Okay. Let's just-- How long do you think...
...you could put this big, lucrative career of yours on hold?. Just, just--
God, what am I talking about?.! You are unemployed!
You don't have a job! You got fired, Nelson.
You have nothing to go back to.
This project of yours feels like an excuse to get laid.
Sara, l' m sorry. I....
Sara, I didn't mean to-- I didn't think you'd--
I don't understand why you' re doing this, is all.
I told you.
I have my reasons.
Still friends?.
Only if you give me what I want.
What?.
Time.
-All I can do is a day. -I'll take it.
Okay.
I'll take it.
Always a thrill to explore new career possibilities.
How much do you charge?.
-I don't do this for the money. -Why do you do it?.
I like it. You can take them off the leashes.
Come on. Oh, yes, you're so excited, I know.
Yeah, you go raise some hell.
Don't tell your mom, okay?. You can let them go, you know, Nelson.
Come on!
Yippee.
Come on. Let's go. Come on!
Get off me!
So when was the last time you spent a whole day outside?.
When my parents dragged me to Alcatraz for the day at the age of 9.
Wow.
-Now you tell me something. -Anything.
What was so enlightening about what we did today?.
Why is letting some dogs go wild a better way to live than my way?.
Granted, it was mildly amusing, but my third eye didn't open.
Well, these things take time.
And you don't have time.
No, seriously. It's a question of values.
Why is doing something fundamentally trivial better...
...than living a responsible life?.
Boring as that might seem to you.
And who made you the expert, the doctor, the guru?.
Why do you have all the answers?.
Well, I used to own this company called Sublime Pets.
No, I really did.
And then I quit. It wasn't fun anymore, you know.
Before or after you toured as a standup comedian?.
I never did that.
Well, this....
This would be really good for you.
Sharpen your instincts.
No, no.
Not those kind of instincts.
So the object of the game-- Get your hands off me.
I run around. You lose track of me. Then you--
No, no peeking. Hands off.
Count to 1 0...
...then come find me.
One, two, three-- l' m gonna get you.
Four, five, six-- I know where you are.
Seven, eight, nine, ten.
Oh, Nelson, that was terrible.
You didn't even get close.
This is funny?.
I' m sorry. Are you okay?.
Sara, you' re not going to be upset when I leave tonight?.
I told you one day.
Yeah, of course.
Mitch was my October.
He was so shy.
I think he was the shyest man I've ever met.
So...
...we focused on strengthening his confidence.
And was the patient cured?.
Oh, yeah.
My treatment was so effective...
...that we had to terminate the month early.
And what about September?.
No. No September.
What?.
You didn't think I was weird about it, did you?.
And you and all these guys...?.
Does it matter that much to you?.
Why a month?.
It's long enough to be meaningful and short enough to stay out of trouble.
It was delicious.
Thanks.
It's getting late.
Don't worry about this. I'll clean it up.
What are you gonna do when you go home?.
I don't know.
I don't usually map out my evenings.
You' re gonna go home.
Turn on your TV.
Get bored.
T urn on your computer.
Go through your work. Get bored.
Surf the net.
Get bored.
And think of me.
Ernie.
T ry to be wrong once in a while.
It'll do my ego good.
-I don't see why we didn't take a cab. -Because I make the rules, Nelson.
Rules you must submit to, utterly and completely.
If you want to be a dominatrix that bad...
...why don't we buy you the leather and get it over with?.
I think I'm strangely aroused.
That's Abner.
Hi.
Is that you?.
He's got a face. It's a good one too.
-Did you wait long?. -No.
Good.
What is that?. You didn't.
-You did not bring that! -What can I say?.
-Yeah?. -Just call me genius, I don 't mind.
-What up, Vince?. -"What up"?.
You, me, Edgar Price, November 1 7th, Friday. That's what up.
I'm your rainmaker.
-You' re a genius. -It's about time you said so.
I heard about Angelica. I'm sorry.
As much as I knew, she wasn 't right for you.
-So do I smell new female friend?. -What makes you say that?.
You don 't return my calls.
There 's estrogen in the air. Don 't insult me.
Come on, who is she?
-You wouldn't know her. -But would I despise her?.
That's the question. On a scale of 9 to 1 0, is she a 9 or a 1 0?.
Listen, I gotta run. Great news on the Edgar Price thing.
Go launch it, okay?.
Oh, that's really cool. Not.
What is it, Pokemon's dinghy?.
All right, let's do this. All boats in the water.
-Except for this kid's. -That's not a kid, that's a girl.
-Maybe I should forget about it. -Just ignore them, Abner.
Abner?.
Hang in there, Ab.
All boats in the water.
Let's do this.
Say your prayers, Abner!
Go, Abner!
Excuse me.
-You want to make a hundred bucks?. -Sure.
Come on, Abner! Come on!
Hey, my boat's all--
What's going on?.
Straight. Straight!
Come on, you can do it!
I guess I'm winning.
-That little creep is cheating. -No, I'm not. My boat's just better.
Go, Abner!
I guess I won.
That was fun. Next time can we do it with cars?.
-Sure. -No.
-Bye. -See you, Abner.
-Good night. -Good night.
You know, that was really nice what you did today.
Thanks.
-But it's not gonna help him. -What do you mean?.
He's gonna have a lot of obstacles...
...and he has to learn to deal with them.
Those kids were laughing at him. You ever been laughed at?.