(noise from traffic) (people chattering)
(speaking Thai)
Welcome.
(speaking Thai)
He says, welcome, sir, it's so good to see you again.
Thank you. Are we on track to meet the deadline?
(speaking Thai)
Yes, Mr. Eppermint, I can assure you...
- Whoa, hang on! These are children. - Yes, and you're an interpreter, right?
- Yeah, but you can't do this. - Listen...
It's quite normal for children to work in Thailand.
- Can't you see? This is not okay. - If I don't do it, somebody else will.
And if you don't interpret for me now, someone else will get paid instead.
How do you stand this heat? Is there nothing to drink around here?
(speaking Thai)
(water being filled up)
As you can see, everything's under control.
- Oh shit! - What?
What... My... my... my scarf!
(yelling in Thai)
- Mr. Chan, stop it! - Sorry.
No!
I want no part in this, you hear me? I'm done with it!
- I expect to see you next month then. - Eh... Thanks.
- Okay then. - Good boy. To the airport, please.
(thunder outside)
Do we have any real beer left, Ralph? These Asian beers taste like bear piss.
And I know that taste from my days as a forest ranger.
Ralph?
Well, hello there! Who have we got here?
A stowaway!
I know someone who's going to love you.
Good morning, everybody. A big welcome back to my channel.
Many of you have been asking: "Alex, can you show us how you brush your teeth?"
So, of course, let me show you. I've got this toothbrush.
I add some free sponsor toothpaste, and then I brush.
I start way at the back and get into all the nooks and crannies.
- Hey, Alexa. - Get out, Sean.
- Sorry, it's moving. - Sean! Can't you wait?
Your birthday is Saturday, right? But I have an early gift for you in ten...
- Nine, eight... - What? Seriously?
Six... Hallelujah!
- Morning, Mom. - Good morning!
- Some breakfast, honey? - Yes, please.
- Do we have any? - That's enough, you!
- Oh, there you are. - Morning, dear.
- Morning, Alex. - Good morning, John.
Sirena, I used your credit card.
John, I thought we agreed on porridge on weekdays.
It's hard on Sean. You know, getting used to a new home and a new family.
- Good morning, Sean. - And new eating habits.
- Alright, you can have one, too, Alex. - Yes!
Well, I only bought four, but by all means have one.
- You did wash your hands, right? - Nah. There's no soap.
- Yes, there is. In the starfish bowl. - The slimy gray blob? Is that soap?
Yes, it's free of parabens and animal fat.
Don't you wash your hands either, John?
A piece of pipe always comes in handy.
- One, two, three, four. - Not so fast!
Hey.
- Hi, Gina. - No, I'm Tina.
- OMG, that sweater is super-cute. - Super-cute.
- Alex, my man! - Hi, Odysseus.
High five... Dab.
- Are you tired? - So tired! I can't sleep.
Sean snores like crazy.
Beat it. You've got something on your glasses.
Ha, loser! Psych, man! Gum on his glasses!
- Glenn, that dumbass. - Come on.
"Thailand is a holiday paradise, where one can relax."
Write "holiday paradise."
"The Thais are child-friendly and jolly."
Write "child-friendly."
"Prices are reasonable, which makes for great shopping."
Wish I was your sweater, sat on your body so warm.
Wrap myself around you from the break of dawn.
Filled by you and joy, when you took me off again.
The fragrance of you, it would still remain.
You are a princess, I'm an imbecile.
You're the very precious thing that I don't have, but still...
The number one thing in my life of things that life could bring.
Oh, Jessica.
You captivating thing.
Write "concentration."
"The Thais are good with their hands and produce..."
Hey!
(school bell)
Will you be going to the Children's Climate Congress on Saturday?
No, Perry, will you be coming to my place to drink gasoline on Saturday?
- I'm having my birthday party Saturday. - Without us?
It's just for the family. You wouldn't want to be there. My mom's baking.
- Yikes, I'd rather drink gasoline. - My Uncle Stewart will be there.
Stewart? Is he that old drunk?
Yes sirs! It's shore leave time.
- Alexius! - Welcome home, Uncle.
- Ah, my lovely. Where's the douchebag? - You behave now.
(baby crying)
Can you hold Baby Doris? Mommy needs a smoke.
- Hello, Terkel. - Hello, Uncle Stewart.
- Beatrice. Choca-licious! - Hands off!
- Hashtag MeToo. Hello, Leon. - Why can't I play on my iPad?
Hello, George. And you're still growing, Shane.
- Can you chew this, Gramma? - Hi, Gramma. What have you got there?
- She's having some toast. - Phew, it sure is hot today.
- I'm as dry as a desert. - I've got organic ice tea.
Let's consider that matter closed, then.
- Well, I have a little gift for... - Thank you.
I've got one for you, too, Sean. It's important to treat them the same.
They're not the same, just look at them. Size-wise, I mean!
- A rocking flower? - Do you remember those?
No...
Gramma, let's dance the samba.
Not bad, eh?
- Whoa, Super Dario 3. Thanks, Dad. - You're welcome, buddy.
- Can I play now? - No, stick to your iPad for now.
A rocking flower!
I brought a gift, too. For Alex. Since it's his birthday today.
- Thanks. - Happy birthday, kiddo.
- Wow, uh... it's a... What is it? - Well, it's a...
- Is it a ninja? - Exactly!
Ninjas aren't usually checkered.
No, and boys your age don't normally weigh 200 pounds.
But seeing is believing.
- Mom, look! - Very nice.
- Here, let me take Baby Doris. - Is it a Harlequin?
Good one, Terkel. Harlequins are jokers. This is a checkered ninja, obviously.
I've never heard of a checkered ninja.
Exactly. That's what makes it so rare. And pricey. It cost a fortune.
Even just getting it out of Thailand was sheer hell. 'Cause of the sword.
Danny, my eldest, spent five years in a Thai prison for an ounce of cocaine.
- An ounce? - Yeah, just for personal use.
Make a note of this for future reference, Alex.
A stint in a prison in Thailand makes a man wish for his own death.
- Okay. - Speaking of death, what's in these?
- It's my own recipe, wheat-free. - You could have warned me! Yuck!
So, Jeff. How's business for you? Wasn't it something about nuts?
- Chestnutfactory.com. - Chestnutfactory?
- But it didn't work out. - You don't say!
- I'm off to dump a few chestnuts, Jim. - It's John!
Come on, Stewart. I think it's great that John doesn't just slouch all day.
Right. And as long as you pay for all his fruit-stewing schemes...
Stewart!
Right. Well, I was leaving anyway.
Alex, my boy, drop by the lake one of these days.
Happy birthday again, and as we used to say in Thailand:
That's Thai for "Super Dario 3 is for sissies!"
See you later!
- A checkered ninja? - Yeah, it's very rare. From Thailand.
- But Ninjas are black. - They wore indigo blue on missions.
- The ninjas were... - Oh, man!
Are you coming to my party? Here's one for you, Benny.
- It's this Saturday. Bring a friend. - One friend each?
- No, one between you, okay? - Yeah, what did you think?
OMG, are you like a total moron or something?
- Hey, wait, can't I take a look? - Yeah, but I...
Oh, it's Jessica! Why don't you go talk to her?
Shall I get her to come over? Jessica! Alex wants to ask you something.
- What? - Alex wants to ask you about something.
- No! - What?
Hi there, mole-face. Did you see that? The kid's got no eyes.
- Idiot! - What did you say?
What? Uh...
- Gimme those. - No, give them back, Glenn. Please!
Come on, little mole. I want to see a mole jump.
Stop it, you fat idiot, or I'll crush you!
I'm not sure I heard what you just said.
- What seems to be the problem? - He's just being a... No problem.
- Then piss off. You too. Move. - Chill out.
Stupid brats.
- Thanks, Alex. - I didn't say anything.
- "Or I'll crush you." That was badass. - But I didn't...
Way to go, Alex.
Right. I mean, nobody messes with my friends.
Not on my watch.
- See ya, Alex. - Yeah. See ya.
Hello? Say something.
- Say something. - What do you want me to say?
- Hi, Glenn. - So you're going to crush me?
- And I'm a fat idiot? - Yes...
- I mean no. It wasn't me. - Next time, I'll break your jaw.
- No. I mean yes. I'm sorry. - Got it?
- 100%. - Piss off, you chicken shit loser.
Piss off, or I'll smash your shitty mug, son of a butt-ugly oxygen thief!
What?
I think you'd better be off now.
- He's right behind you. Step on it! - You can't talk.
I'll decide that for myself, chicken shit loser. Come on, Pizza Face. Faster!
- No, stop it! I'm sorry! - You're dead!
- And you're ugly. - No, you're not.
Sure he is.
- What the hell's going on? - You'll be killed in a second.
If you can't go any faster. Unless you and I help each other out.
- I help you, and you help me. - But you're not even alive.
Got you now!
- Okay, so don't you want my help? - Yes I do! Help me.
- You have to help me in return. - Okay!
- Say you'll help me. - Yes! Yes, I'll help you.
- What are you doing? - Just keep going.
- That'll teach you, dumbass! - You're dead!
Dead meat!
You've got food down here.
- Want some? - What the hell are you?
Come on, not all that again. If you call me Harlequin, I'll stab you!
- Hi, Alexis. - Sean! I'm busy right now.
Why is your teddy bear holding an egg sandwich?
- He was hungry. - I know the feeling.
- Guess what I'm doing on Saturday. - Dunno.
- I'm going to a party. At Jessica's. - Oh...
That's the same Jessica that you've got the hots for.
- What a dumb thing to say. - Is this a poem? "You're a Princess."
- Don't! Give me that. - Of course. When I get my book report.
- What are you talking about? - It's due tomorrow. Lord of the Rings.
You can handle that, right Alex?
Oh, and Alex, make it a good one. Otherwise this goes viral!
Thank you, brother.
- I just wish you were dead. - Whoa. Brave words.
You're such a coward! Yes, you're just a kid, but so are Sean and Pizza Face.
- Glenn! Do you know what you've done? - Yes, I stopped him.
- You're welcome. - But he's gonna kill me!
- Stop whining. As if you had problems. - You don't think I have problems?
- I'm talking to my stuffed animal. - I'm not a stuffed animal. I'm a warrior!
- And I can't take your drama seriously. - Drama?
You can keep running from your problems or start fighting back.
- I can't fight. - How do you know until you've tried?
- I'll help you. - But who are you even?
I'm your new best friend.
I've promised to help you, and you've promised to help me.
- How can I possibly help you? - You can read, can't you?
What, can't you?
- I'm good at other things, alright? - Yes. Of course.
What does this say?
It's a credit card. It belongs to Phillip Eppermint.
- So he's the man I'm looking for! - Eppermint? Just like Jessica.
- What do you mean? - Jessica Eppermint.
- That skirt you're crazy about? - She's not a skirt.
- What's her dad's first name? - I don't know.
Oh. Well, who does then?
- Mom? - Hi, lovebug.
- Mom, do you... - I have my group tonight.
John will be at home with you. No sneaking out. I got you a smoothie.
Awesome. But Mom, you know that Sean's going to that party.
- At Jessica's house? - Yeah. Will her parents be home?
Yes, they will be. I met Linda and... at the supermarket.
Both of them are going to be at home.
- Hi, hon. How'd it go? - They weren't interested.
They couldn't see the difference between an ordinary lunch box and Cracker Box.
But just you wait, they'll be back.
- So you met Linda and... - Mm-hm.
And who?
- And...? - And Jessica's dad will be there, too.
Jessica's dad? Phillip? That jerk?
He thinks he's as an expert on toys. He spoiled my plans for Nixy-Dixy-Dolls.
Jessica's dad. Or father-in-law, right, Alex?
- He's crazy about Jessica. - Oo-hoo! Good luck with that, Alex.
Ow! What the hell! Move your crap, Alex.
Now Sean, clean speech makes for a clean heart.
- I think Jessica is a sweet girl. - Yes, but Alex is so...Alexy.
Jessica is such a cute little snacky pack.
Right...
"Snacky pack"? Not bad at all.
- Wait. - Jeesh, move your ass.
- John doesn't want me to go out. - Aw, I kind of feel bad for John now.
- He's gonna freak out. Understand? - Yes.
Duly noted in my book of things I don't give a crap about. A fairly big volume.
- Help me get close to Jessica's dad. - Let's just give her the credit card.
No, I have to give it to him personally. It's a matter of honor.
- Is this it? - Yup. Odysseus and I built that.
You're a born architect there...
- Look at that. Yuck! - Give it to me. We can use that.
Use it? How?
A ninja takes advantage of everything that comes his way.
- Always ready to improvise. - So we don't have a plan.
Of course we do. We're going to Jessica's party.
- But she only invites the cool kids. - And Sean.
- He's an 8th grader. That counts. - And what about Glenn?
- He's going to kill me. - We'll need to put him in his place.
Then Jessica will say: "Alex, you're so cool."
- Stop it. That's totally creepy. - Yeah, but also kind of cool, right?
- Okay, let's say I'm Glenn. - You don't expect me to fight him?
- So what's the problem? - Because I can't!
Do you know why you can't? Because you think you can't.
- He's also much bigger than me. - You're bigger than me. Right now...
But not now.
- It's not fair to hit in the balls! - That was the groin. Your turn.
- It's below the belt. That's cowardly. - You're already a coward. Use it.
Come on, kick me. Hard as you can. Come on, you chicken shit loser!
- Ow, that's not fair! - You say that a lot.
- Because it hurts like hell. - Does the world need to hear about it?
Let's go again. Up.
Up!
See! You're learning.
Ow!
(groaning)
- Okay, where are the tools? - They lock that stuff away at night.
We'll need to get some tools tomorrow, then.
- What are we gonna build? - Later. You've got homework to do.
- I don't have any homework. - Oh yes. A book report for tomorrow.
" The Lord of the Rings is Tol-kine's famous tri-logy
"about good versus evil." Well done, Alex!
- Now there's the matter of my notebook. - You mean this one?
Jerk!
Alex! You went out last night. You need to obey me.
John, what in the world is this? It was on your bedside table.
"Grandma's juicy jugs"?
Uhh...
(hammering) (soldering iron sizzles)
(sound of hammer breaking wood)
All right, I'll get the tools while you distract the teacher.
- What? How? What should I do? - Just ask him to help you.
With something tricky. Couldn't you make a sheath for my sword?
- I shouldn't be waving it around. - What should it look like?
It needs to fit the length of the sword. And with strings to tie it on my back.
And holes in both ends, so I can use it as a snorkel.
- And do you want diamonds on it, too? - Do I look like a diva to you?
Siberius, can you help me?
Alex. What can I do for you?
- Is it true that you can make anything? - I've got good hands.
- So they say. - I need something to stick my sword in.
- Uh, 'scuse me? - For my sword. Preferably checkered.
Not that I've seen a checkered one... Black is too ordinary.
Uh, so you want me to help you make a...
A thing to stick my sword in. About so big.
I need to be able to breathe through it, and tie it onto my back.
- You didn't give me much time. - I didn't know he'd freak out.
- I guess we can't make weapons. - Never mind. I got everything.
So Gandalf filled his hat with shit and pissed in Gollum's mouth.
- Then vomited all over four orcs. - Yeah, that was my interpretation.
Stupid brats.
- That was my interpretation, too. - Just you wait until recess.
- I'm gonna give Jessica your poem. - You mean this one?
Moron. You think that was the only copy?
- Gimme that! - Ha ha ha!
- Come on, man. - Give it to me!
Stop that right now! Follow me, Sean.
- My life sucks. - You'll be fine.
- You heard him! I'll be dead at recess. - Dead? Gimme a break!
- Super-embarrassing! - So man up. Do something.
Barry is so cool. He's too cool for the school. Barry is so cool.
One, two. One, two. This is Barry with a message for you.
It's for all of you who signed up for music lessons.
The small choir will meet on Tuesdays from 1 to 3.
Big band practice on Thursdays from 2 to 3.
Get with the program. Everyone has a right to rhythm! That's all.
Bunch of brats.
Hello, hello. This is an important message from Alex,
to very special girl who needs to know what a super-dishy babe she is.
- Stop! - I just want you to know.
- No! - And if you're wondering who Alex is?
As you know, I'm a desperate little boy
with a big mouth and a flat nose.
Well, the girl in question is...
Wow, you can almost hear my heart pounding.
- Jessica from 8th grade. - This can't be happening.
Yes, I'm crazy about you, and I'm not ashamed.
I want the entire school to know that you're a first-class fox.
That's all. Sorry for the interruption!
Okay, stop that right now! That's an absolute no-no! All right?
But very bravely done, I must say. Good luck with it, Alex.
Woohoo! Jessica! Way to go.
- Jessica! - Mwah. Your beloved!
- You traitor. - Oh, come on! I solved your problem.
- Solved it? - Hey, what's up, Casanova?
You did the thing you feared the most. And now the skirt knows your feelings.
- Sean can wipe his ass with that copy. - The whole school is laughing at me.
Stand tall and let them laugh. Let's go to the cafeteria.
- But Glenn will be there. - Exactly.
(people chattering and laughing)
- Climb up on that trashcan. - What? Why...
- Just do it. - Okay...
Hey there, lover boy.
(wolf howls)
Let me do the talking and you just move your lips. Can you whistle? Do it.
(whistles)
Hey, look at him!
Speech!
Hello. Attention, everybody.
Listen up. I present to you the greatest moron at this school:
- Glenn, from the special-needs class. - What?
How many of you have been bullied by this meathead at some point in time?
- Me! - Me!
- Me. - Me.
Me too!
M...uh...
Therefore, in the name of justice, I, Alex of the 7th grade,
will issue a challenge to you, Glenn Pizza Face.
At 7 PM on Saturday, at the playground. You and me, if you dare.
- Are you kidding? If I dare? - Are you crazy?
- I'm going to crush your skull! - The loser will go to school naked.
Fine, come Monday you won't be able to walk, chicken shit loser.
- He's so right. - Alex, get down.
- Yes, please, I'd really like that. - This is going to be great fun.
Everybody's welcome on Saturday at 7 PM.
(cheering)
That's enough.
Awesome! I'll record it, so you can see it when you regain consciousness.
What's up, Tarzan?
Do you have a bucket list to tick off because you're dying of some disease?
Yeah, Ebola, maybe.
If you're still alive by Saturday night, you can drop by.
- I'm having a party. - Uh...
That's awesome, dude. We'll be there.
See ya...maybe.
- You gonna tell me the plan? - Not waiting to get our asses kicked.
We set the terms ourselves. We chose the battleground.
- Does it matter where I get killed? - Hell yes!
We're on our home turf. And we decided when to fight.
- You can relax until Saturday. - Unless Glenn won't wait.
You challenged him publicly and promised to humiliate yourself.
So he'll wait. He's looking forward to Saturday.
- He's expecting an honest fight. - Isn't that what he's getting?
Are you some kind of moron?
"He has directed other movies, but 'Nightwatch' remains his only success."
Yeah!
- Oh no, a splinter. - Want me to kiss it better?
Whatever, dork. It frays my fabric. This is genuine cashmere.
- Are you a real ninja? - What do you know about ninjas?
They lived in Japan once, right?
Yes, in a region called Iga. They lived in the forests in the mountains.
They were spies, right? And mercenaries.
It was never about money. It was all about protecting their secret society.
- Who was after them? - The samurais.
They felt threatened by the ninja religion.
The greatest warlord sent 40,000 warriors to Iga to massacre the clans.
- What happened? - A few escaped and survived.
Most of them died. And one of them did both, in a way.
- Taiko Nakamura. - Who?
Taiko Nakamura, in a hut he hides with ten clan kids, protects their lives
When the enemy attacked the village, he was the one
who was given the task by the clan top gun.
The same coward who betrayed him and more
has led the noble Naga soldiers to their door.
Nakamura meets death with courage unshakeable
Gonna take as many with him as possible.
He gets 16 samurais before he's slain.
He hears a scream as they burn down the domain.
(screaming)
He has failed his mission, the hot turns to cold.
He vows for vengeance in exchange for his soul.
Lightning strikes in the night as he guts his own belly
and his soul leaves his body, so the spirit seeks the story of revenge.
Before the night is over, they find the traitor with ten blades in his cadaver.
And ever since, the tale has spun that his spirit will come when evil is done.
His soul flies on restless wings and might strike down with lightning
to punish those with blood on their hands
when kids suffer hurt and things are rotten in the lands.
For eternity on lonesome raids he'll reminisce,
Taiko Nakamura, the Guardian of Justice.
- An avenging spirit? - A spirit which can appear anywhere.
Even in a rag doll.
(roaring, then laughing)
- Asshole! - You should've seen your face.
- Alex, did you eat all the eggs? - No, John.
I could have sworn we had some eggs. Well, I'll have some yogurt then.
- How will you spend Saturday, Alex? - Oh, today Alex has great plans.
He challenged... Ow! God! Something bit me.
I bet it's one of those wood beetles Auntie Sheila mentioned.
- Do you think so? - Let me give you an immunity massage.
- And then it's an early bedtime. - But I'm going to a party!
No, you won't be up for that after an 8-hour treatment like this.
- John, have you seen my massage oil? - Nope.
- I'll use the yogurt then. - Dad!
- It's for your own good, Sean. - Augh!
(excited chattering) Signs: RULES GLEN
- You need to stand on the other side. - Oh yeah, over here.
- He's not coming. - Nah, he's too scared.
- Have you come to get your ass kicked? - Come down here, if you dare.
Fair enough.
Whoa! He got egged right in the mouth.
What the hell are you doing?
(cackles)
(people laughing)
- I'll break your skull. - That's the spirit! Come on, fart face.
(kids laughing)
Alex! Alex! Alex!
- Round the other way, Glenn. - Get him.
You got him!
- Peek-a-boo. - I've got you now!
(playing music)
Ha ha, yes!
Oh, shit.
- Should we get back to it? - Yeah, and then I'm gonna kill you!
Hi.
Whoa! Did you see that? Shit!
That'll teach him!
Damn, that was legit!
(kids cheering)
Way to go, Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex!
(gasps)
Chicken shit loser! Come on!
- Oh, right in the balls! - Technically that was the groin.
Argh, that actually hurt!
What's going on?
Come on!
(screams)
Let go of me!
Let go!
- Was that an apology? - Yes.
- I beg your pardon? - Sorry.
- Excuse me? - Sorryyyyyyyyy!
(kids cheering)
- All right! Yes! What's up, champ? - Way to go, Alex.
- How does it feel to win? - I'm here with Alex...
...who just beat the school bully!
- 19 Meadow Lane. - Duly noted. We'll be there.
- Who asked you, Harry Potter? - Yeah, as if. Come on, Tina.
Yeah, Gina, let's go.
We just became cool! Ow.
If you party like the best-yo, then you gotta make pesto.
So come be my guest, bro, so you can taste my pesto.
- Far out! We're at Jessica's house. - Yeah, yeah, great.
Duty calls. Let's start by finding her dad.
Oh, give me that pesto. What they won't do for that pesto.
In Moscow or Modesto, there's no dress code for pesto...
- There he is! - Hi, Alex.
- Well done out there today. - Really?
- I guess it was. - High five.
- You were incredible out there. - I did my best.
- Karate Kid, man! - That's me.
- Oh! No. This is my killer hand. - He's funny, too.
Well, I'd better go say hi to the hostess.
Hey champ! Awesome fight. Here you go. This party rocks.
- Jessica was just here. - Did you see where she went?
Ow!
- Where are her parents? - In the kitchen. Her mom is super-hot.
- What about her dad? - Nah, he's pretty average.
- Is he in the kitchen? - Yeah, they're chaperoning.
- I gotta go to the toilet. - It's that way.
- Hi, have the three of us met before? - Talk to the hand, Ginger.
- In stereo. - And surround sound.
- Get the mom out of there. - What for?
Just do it!
Oh, give me that pesto...
The bathroom's down the hall on the right.
- Somebody vomited on the carpet. - Ugh, not again.
(sound of a knife blade)
Just another thing... Uh, excuse me...
- It's just that... - Phillip Eppermint!
Oops. Ow! Shit!
Huh?
At your service! You gave me quite the scare. I was just...
- Hey, what's that? - A credit card belonging to you.
- (NINJA: No, no!) - A Platinum Card. Oh, I wish.
But that would require a much higher salary. Nice gesture, though.
- So you're not Phillip Eppermint? - I spell it with a Y.
I'm changing my name next month.
My numerologist suggested Sidney Esameseed.
Also because of all the negative publicity about that toy tycoon.
Oh wait, it's probably his credit card.
- He lives over on Beverly Park Circle. - (NINJA: Let's go!)
- Say, aren't you Sean's little brother? - Stepbrother.
Tell your stepfather hello, then. He's still mad at me
for refusing to provide public funding to develop his Nixy-Dixy Dolls.
- Would you like something to eat? - Sure, why not? Ow!
No, I'd better... Bye. Nice meeting you.
Ah, well. It needs some pesto.
What is wrong with you? Why did you shout at him?
- I need to give that credit card back. - Yeah, yeah, calm down.
- Alex. - Hey, Jessica...
- You're so awesome. - Am I?
Yeah. I thought you were just a little brat with a ninja doll.
No, no, this is just a gift for my cousin.
- You're kind of cute. - Uh... Right back at you.
- You wanna dance? -Uh... Yeah, definitely.
- I have to go to the toilet. Wait here? - Yeah, yeah!
Oh, yes!
- You're not going to dance now. - Yes, I am.
- Hey, human. You promised to help me. - But not during the party.
- To hell with the party! - But Jessica...
- Forget that chick. I need you. - I'll help you, just not right now.
- You stinking liar! - Hey, chill out.
- Everything you have is thanks to me. - Whatever. Get real!
- You're only popular because of me. - You helped me, yeah.
It's not like I can't breathe without you.
- It was so awesome. - He flew through the air.
- There he is! Awesome fight, Alex. - Bet you didn't see that coming.
- Especially that kung fu stuff. - That was my own idea.
- You rule, man. See you, Alex. - Right, see you in there.
So. You think you can do it all by yourself. Take this then!
- No! Argh! Wait! - (NINJA laughs)
Excuse me.
Help! I peed my pants.
No, no, it's... Ow!
- And I need to take a dump, too. - No, no, let me explain!
- Jessica, it's me. Alex. - Just a second.
I don't want to dance. You're not up to my standard.
- What? - Yeah. I think I'm too hot for you.
- You'll have to settle for Odysseus. - Say what?
- You're too hot for me? - What? No, no, I never...
- And I'm not up to your standard? - Hey, did you really wet yourself?
What? No, that was the ninja. This is all because of my ninja doll.
- Or my cousin's ninja doll. - Right. See you later, "hot stuff."
- Odysseus, you want to make out? - Let me see...
Yes, please!
- Bye. Get home safely. - Odysseus?
The lady wants to make out. If I don't do it, somebody else will.
- So, did you dance? - What the hell is your problem?
- You broke your promise. - I said I'd help!
- I need your help now. - You can't just ruin my life!
(sighs)
I'm sorry. I went too far, but this is important.
Why is this credit card a matter of life and death?
It's a ninja thing. A matter of honor.
(sighs)
Human... If you help me now, I promise I'll make everything right again.
- You promise? - Trust me.
Okay. Will Jessica ever like me again?
Well, you did say some pretty weird things to her. Let's go.
- Don't you think he's asleep? - Let's hope so. Come on.
- What the hell are you doing? - I'm supposed to be a secret. Come on.
- No, don't ring the bell. - Why?
- He hates it when people do that. - But...
- Good thing he's got a cat. - A pretty big cat.
Are you afraid of big cats?
(growling sound)
- Do you think this is okay? - He'll be happy to get his card back.
- Can't we just leave it somewhere? - I just want to make sure he's here.
- Damn. I don't think he's home. - A suitcase. Maybe he's on a trip.
On a trip? With the suitcase in his room? Are you related to Glenn?
- Perhaps he's going on a trip? - We need to find out.
Bingo!
- What did you say? - I said, bingo!
- It's a plane ticket to Thailand. - To visit his slave factory.
- Does it say when he leaves? - Yeah. But what's going on?
(dog barking)
(dog yelping)
(toilet flushing)
I won't pay another penny if it's not up to standard.
We'll discuss it when I get there. I will see you then.
Is there something wrong, big boy? Hello?
Is there somebody here? Hello?
- I've got you now. - What the hell...?
Argh!
- No! - Let go, you moron!
(alarm sounding)
- Oh, shit! - Help!
- What are you doing? - He's getting away, you dipshit!
In here. Save me!
I'm so glad you're here. They're upstairs.
- What's going on, Mr. Eppermint? - They threw knives at me.
- Barricade the door! Quick! - Can you please explain?
You want to chat now or maybe get out first?
What the hell is this? This has nothing to do with the card.
Phillip Eppermint is an evil man. He killed an innocent little boy.
And he uses child slave labor.
- So? Are you going to kill him? - Something like that.
You saw his flight details. Don't forget them.
- Get the collar. - From that thing?
- Unless you're wearing one yourself. - This is not happening...
His name is Bingo.
(Bingo barking)
- Help me! - There. Right behind the ear.
- Security. Open the door. - Just a minute. I'm getting dressed.
Quick!
What are you doing?
We're breaking down the door!
Give me the collar. Grab it. Come on, jump.
- Come on. - I can't.
Bingo!
(Alex screaming)
Coming through!
All right. Bingo.
(Sound of Bingo barking and attacking the policeman)
- It's you! You're Taiko Kamakura. - Nakamura!
- You used me. - You promised to help.
To deliver a credit card. Not to kill people!
- He killed an innocent little boy. - And now you're going to kill him?
It's called justice.
(police siren)
- What about the other slave kids? - Things like that happen all the time.
Oh, well, that's all right then. Tell me when his plane leaves.
No. I want no part in this.
(Alex screaming)
(sound of a knife blade)
- Tell me. Now! - No. Just do it. I've had it.
I can't kill you, human. We've been through too much together.
But it might be easier with...
Might be easier...with Sean.
- No, you can't. - You wanted him dead.
- Those were just words. - I only understand actions.
No! Stop!
Wait!
Get off the road!
Oh no...
Sean?
No, no, no. Sean?
What's going on? Is it dinner time?
(Nakamura cackling)
Stop it! No!
- What's going on? - Alex, stop! Alex!
- Alex! - What're you doing, Alex?
- Dad? - Are you alright, snookums?
Alex, put down that pillow. Now.
But it wasn't me. You think I did this?
It was the ninja. He's out there somewhere.
- He wants me to help him commit murder. - What's happening?
You've gotta believe me. The checkered ninja wants to kill Sean.
But...
Stress, pure and simple. He needs calm.
- For how long? - A couple of weeks.
We can't just leave him.
We can't have him at home when he's trying to kill Sean, darling.
I told you it was the ninja!
- Hello! - Doctor, give him this dream catcher.
- It might help take the edge off. - Go home and get some rest.
Alex is safe with us.
Aw, poor little Alex.
So, you've lost your marbles. Poor boy.
I'm sure it's stress.
Where are you?
What? Hmm... There.
Peek-a-boo. Nice room. Love what you've done with it.
- Tell me when his flight leaves. - Never!
- You tried to kill my brother. - Step-brother.
- I helped you, but you refuse to help. - You're crazy!
You're too good to get your hands dirty. Try blaming this on your teddy bear!
- Doctor, I have something to tell you. - Just a moment, Alex.
Stop it. Are you really going to kill an innocent man?
It's him or Eppermint.
- Hurry. My bed's on fire. - I'm coming.
- It's now or never. - We don't have to kill Eppermint.
- You think it's enough just to egg him? - No, but...
I want him dead. He deserves the ultimate punishment.
Punishment...
- Why not punish him even harder? - What?
What if we could make him wish he were dead?
We can hit Phillip Eppermint hard, but we have to hurry.
Hello? I can't avenge a murder without blood.
- Can't? Is that the great Kamakura? - Nakamura!
You can't, because you believe you can't. That's what you told me.
You were right. I could do it. You gave me courage.
- And now you're afraid. - Afraid of what?
Coming, Alex! I'm going to tuck him in.
You're afraid to change. That's why you've been haunting for 400 years.
- You're afraid to trust me. - Don't say that, you big...
Then prove it. Trust me. We'll bring Eppermint down for good.
Well, Alex, it's just about your bedtime.
I think you're ready to let us go, don't you think?
Yes, yes.
Yeah. We're in a bit of a hurry.
I'll call your parents and tell them that you need complete freedom.
- Yes. And lots of smoothies. - Definitely. They'll work wonders.
I'll call them right now. Super dooper party trouper.
- What's the plan? - He's leaving tonight.
- We have to stop him. - We'll give him a going away present.
- Something to bring to Thailand. - You've lost me.
- We'll visit my uncle. - That old drunk?
Yes, sirs!
I suck at playing Canasta at Rummy and at Whist.
Always get beat in UNO 'cause I play it with a twist.
And I don't even know a quick card trick.
But I'm the best in the world when I'm playing with my...
I'm not that good at tennis, don't know how to play squash.
I'm ridiculous at soccer. At handball I'm no BAWZ.
At basketball I'm the last pick.
But I'm the best in the world when I'm playing with my...
Who's that knocking now? Best in the world when I'm playing with my...
Hurry up. Hurry up. Best in the world when I'm playing with my...
At spanking, at slapping, at playing...
- Hello? - All right then.
- Hi. - Alex! I was just about to sing "dick."
- Uh, okay... Can I come in? - Sure.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
Ouch, hot damn in a frying pan. Do you want a fried egg?
- No, thanks. - Make yourself at home.
- Oh, uh... - I came to ask you for help.
- For you, anything. - I'm doing a report on drugs.
I see! I'm not into that shit. You know that.
Of course not. But you just know so much about life.
That's true, I know my way around the block, as they say.
I move in certain circles. I know the games people play.
- I know where the bodies are buried. - Exactly.
I have to write a report on how to get hold of drugs.
That's simple, my boy! You just call them up, and they deliver.
- Really? - You bet.
At least I think so. Who knows? Ahem.
- But who do you call? - I certainly don't know that.
And even if I did, I couldn't just say "his name is Scooter-Scotty."
Oh, shit.
- What do you say when you call him? - You say: "What's up, Rectangle?"
- Rectangle? - Damn. That's his code name.
- And then you give your order? - Discreetly.
"You going out? Can I come by? I'm baking, but I've run out of flour."
- And then he just delivers? - Not to just anybody.
You can't just call him. Well, maybe if you told him Stewart said hi.
Yeah. I mean, I might have done it once at a party.
Or twice. It was New Year's Eve.
Max three times. Never on weekdays. Except in summer.
- You don't have his number, do you? - No, I can't give you that.
It's safely noted under S in my little private black book.
But that sounds like an interesting assignment.
Do you want a can of mackerel or something? Alex?
I could've sworn I had guests. Oh well, to hell with that.
Yes, sirs.
Here comes Pat, Postman Pat, in his car with a big fat glow.
Oh, my white bride is snow for the nose. You ring and I bring it in loads.
Hoes in my bed, steady income, drink it all up.
Dom Perignon slanging the Kain.
I'm O to the G, all fired up on overload.
- Yeah? - Hi there, Rectangle. This is Glenn.
- Glenn? - Stewart told me to say hi.
The old drunk?
I'm baking, you know. Cinnamon rolls. Or something like that.
- But I'm out of flour. - Okay.
- Where are you? - In my bedroom.
- Or I'm taking a bath. I'm going to. - Are you stupid?
Yeah.
Okay. I have to run a couple of errands. We can meet in the supermarket garage.
- Hi, sweetie. Do you want a smoothie? - Not right now.
- What? - I mean yes. Right now is fine.
- In an hour. How much? - We can make it to go.
- I don't want any! - What?
- Just say when. - We're ready when you are.
- Hello? - Sorry. Uh, one kilo.
- You're breaking up. - One kilo.
- One kilo? Like one thousand grams? - That's right.
- What's this? - Part of the plan.
- Saying no to smoothies? Great plan! - Can you afford that much flour?
Otherwise, that's gonna be one messy kitchen, you know what I mean?
See ya.
All fired up on overload, pushing that snow.
I'm the ice man, obey my code.
Your balls implode, my stacks explode.
Hi, Rectangle. It's me, Glenn.
- You're Glenn? - Yeah.
Alright, but don't do it all at once.
- You don't mind that I'm a kid? - If I don't do it, someone else will.
- Do you have the money? - Sure I have.
- Do I have idiot tattooed on my head? - Yes.
- Give me the money! - That was a dumb move.
A really dumb move.
(glass breaking) (Rectangle screaming)
- You can't leave me here. - We wouldn't. Police are on their way.
Help! Let me out. Somebody, please.
(stabbing sound)
- There you go. I'm open. - Yeah...
- You sure this is enough? - They'll lock him away for good.
Watch it with the needle. This is genuine cashmere.
- I used to take arts and crafts. - Nice. You're a born architect there.
- I've got a little something for you. - For me? A gift?
Wow, a... What is it? A homemade telescope?
Turn around.
You have to be ready for your mission.
- You shouldn't wave that thing around. - You've made a...
Yeah, it's made of cardboard, so it isn't waterproof.
- Checkered. I have nothing for you. - You've given me so much.
- It's...it's been fun. - Yeah. It has.
Come on.
All right, let go of me, wuss. We're going to war.
All right, Eppermint will be checking in right there.
When he isn't looking, you're gonna jump into his bag.
You've taught me to trust people.
- What are you doing with my phone? - I was looking for my sword.
Is he there yet?
There. That's him!
Okay. Time to go.
What? Oh no. He's headed straight for security.
He's only got a carry-on. Come on!
- Excuse me. I need to get by! - Ouch!
- No! - Damn. What now?
You'll have to take that one and then change bags in Bangkok.
Okay, now.
- Good luck. - Thanks. Now go.
- Next, please. - That's me. Off to Thailand.
Play a bit of golf. Good exercise.
Head full of thoughts, but my body feels shut down.
I don't wanna go back to the time that was before you came around.
Suddenly it was over, and I didn't see it was just a spree.
I didn't even see you come and now you're free.
And now you are gone, away from me.
Running free, up and away so suddenly.
I'm looking ahead.
And just like you said, I will keep rising.
I know our time is out, and what you're about.
Nothing more to do or say. You never look back or stay.
I hope that you'll find your way.
(dog barking)
Have a sniff, Fido.
Taxi!
- You're finished, child killer! - What's happening?
- Drugs? - I don't know what...
That's not...
(speaking Thai)
That's not mine.
(dog barking) (policemen speaking Thai)
That hurt! I want to call my lawyer.
I can't believe he's actually doing it. It's crazy!
- Show it to Alex. - Alex, look!
- Nice ass. - It's prettier than his face.
- Hi, Alex. - Uh, hi.
- Thank you for your sweet message. - What?
- What was the message? - OMG, you'll die.
Hello, it's me. I just want to say sorry for everything I've put you through.
- Isn't it super-cute? - You're the most wonderful person.
I mean, you've taught me that it's safe to trust people again.
- Goodbye. - What are you doing with my phone?
Isn't that just cute? I almost fainted.
- What a cutie pie. - It came straight from the heart.
- Shh... Behind you. - Yeah, he's right there.
- Oh, my God. - What just happened?
Hashtag Prince Charming. Hashtag summer wedding.
Here you go, Alex. A nice smoothie for you.
- There's lots of cookies too, darling. - Yes, just dig in, Alex.
- John, you haven't touched your quinoa. - Would you like to go first, Sean?
Delicious. Thank you, Sirena.
I would like to propose a toast to Sirena, and to you, Alex.
- Thank you for welcoming us here. - Congratulations on your patent.
The supermarket ordered 6,000 SnackyPacks.
I'll be able to help out with the bills now.
...at Bangkok Airport, billionaire toy tycoon Phillip Eppermint was arrested.
He will be charged with drug smuggling.
Bloody fingerprints on a doll led to the arrest of a factory manager.
It's a tough world. Did you hear about that drug dealer found in his car trunk?
- No, what happened? - Did a superhero catch him?
- You could say that. - No, that's vigilantism!
- Yeah, but pretty awesome. - And brave.
- What motivates someone like that? - Yes, what is he thinking?
Bag snatchers run rampant in the suburbs. Locals are scared.
The police have been powerless.
He's probably thinking: "If I don't do something, nobody will."
Sweetie-pie, where are you going?
I'm just going out.
English subtitles: Oneliner