Hello!
Thank you. Stop it. Thank you.
I'm Greg Davies. Welcome to Taskmaster.
What a series this is turning out to be.
The Taskmaster trophy is edging closer to having a proud new owner,
and our comedians have never had to work so hard for something in their lives,
because, let's face it, they've got it pretty easy.
Let's meet them now. Our contenders are...
Hugh Dennis!
Joe Lycett!
Lolly Adefope!
Mel Giedroyc!
Noel Fielding!
And sidled up beside me, in his inferior armchair,
it's Little Alex Horne.
[cheers and applause]
I've sensed a new-found confidence in you during this series.
- Have you genuinely? - Yes, I have.
Thank you.
And quite right too, 'cause I'm feeling chipper.
I think I've secured my sort of future.
I've invented something to make some money.
Have you?
Cola Mobile.
So it's like normal Cola, which is delicious,
but you can take it, you can drink it anywhere.
- You take it... - [laughter]
It's like mobile phones compared to the landline.
You just drink it, take it to a park...
[laughter]
Please can we hear today's prize category, Alex?
Certainly, Greg.
So we've asked them to bring in their cutest thing.
- OK? That's nice. - That is nice.
So it's up to you, Greg-- Greg Davies, isn't it?
To judge which of their things is the cutest.
- Yup. - OK?
The person who has brought in the cutest thing will gain five points,
and the winner of the whole episode
will walk home with five really cute things.
- Wow, all to play for. - It's a lovely start, yeah.
And I guess part of this is judging what I personally would find cute.
Very big part of it, yeah.
Oh dear.
Lolly, hello.
Hello.
What do you consider cute?
I've brought in a photo of myself.
- Ooh. - Yeah.
[audience] Awww.
[Joe] Aw, that's so cute.
[Mel squeaks] Look, holding the rose!
I'd just done a show and they threw roses at me.
Even back then you were getting standing ovations.
Well, it is cute, but it also looks like you've been buried up to your neck...
- [laughter] - in that duvet.
OK, listen.
I think it's cute.
Do you think it's cute?
- [audience] Yes! - It's a great start. Noel?
- [Noel] Hello. - What have you brought in that's cute?
Well, I thought, "I tell you what,"
"What'd be great is if you could make anything cute."
Wow.
So I've got a plate of cute googly eyes. Look...
[laughter]
Right, I'm gonna say that that plate isn't cute.
No, but take something quite violent, like a weapon, and make it cute.
- Look, hammer. - [Greg] Oh!
- [Noel] Cute! - [laughter]
Who would mind having their head stoved in by that?
Exactly.
I mean, it genuinely works, doesn't it?
[Alex] You look so happy.
- [Greg] It's really cute. - [Alex] Yeah.
Joe, you're up against it here. Two very cute things.
I have a picture of my favourite creature in the whole world.
It's Bertie the dog.
[audience] Aww.
We go on tour together sometimes, and in Bristol,
they were a bit nervous about him coming to the show,
and I was explaining to them, "Thank you for letting him in."
"He's really well-behaved."
And looked behind me, and he was taking a shit in the auditorium.
[laughter]
But, seemingly, he was punished by having his back half removed.
[laughter]
Difficult to poop when you haven't got the apparatus, isn't it?
Dear me.
No one has put a foot wrong so far. Let's see if that's about to change.
Hugh?
Yeah, well, it will be,
'cause the history of this is that I've come last in every single prize task.
Oh, for sure you have.
Yeah. Well, you see, I also have a very cute thing. It's a little toy.
Which is that.
We've got a picture of that on the screen, just for the audience.
- It's a lovely little cat thing. - Yeah.
I mean, my instant reaction is, "You've done it again, Hugh."
[laughter]
Here you go.
Oh, ugh. Thanks.
- [toy meows weakly] - [laughter]
Sweet, isn't it? It's a sort of little stress-reduction thing.
I find that, in its stationary position,
and in its eyes-extended position,
- accompanied with the noise it makes... - [meowing continues]
Cute?
to be the direct antithesis of cute.
[laughter]
So, perfect.
My mission is complete.
[laughter]
Mel?
I've brought in, um... It's sooo cute.
It's a little towelling pea pod,
and then you unzip it, and then you see the little three peas inside.
Honestly, gang, check this out.
[Alex] Have a look.
- [audience] Awww. - [Mel] Look!
[she squeaks] And they've all got little names!
He doesn't-- He doesn't like it, Mel.
What?
- What's wrong, Greg? - Doesn't work for me.
No?
They've all got different characters and different voices.
- [Greg] Have they? - You can do different voices.
Do the voices of each of the three, and I'll see if that makes it better.
[squeaky voice] The one on the left speaks like that.
Oh, dear.
[laughter]
Oooh, dear.
[low voice] And the one in the middle talks like that.
Oh, well, he's clearly having an inappropriate relationship with them.
[croaky voice] And the one on the right talks like that.
Irritating.
- [laughter] - Can you judge it?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Go on, then.
Can I give you fifth and last? Can I tell you...
You don't need to. They all know.
Lolly, there is no question that your picture is the cutest thing.
Congratulations.
Thank you so much.
- Lolly Adefope in first. OK. - [applause]
Very, very close between Noel and Joe, for me.
But I'm gonna give it to Joe. Do you know why?
'Cause that dog's been sawn in half, and it needs...
- It needs some help. - OK.
Very close third place.
Sorry, don't give a shit about the peas in the pod.
[Mel squeaks] They'll be very sad!
[Greg squeaks] Oh, I'm sorry!
[gruffly] They can fucking deal with it.
[laughter]
Sorry, can I just confirm who's in last place? It wasn't quite clear.
Oh, no, let's not bother. Let's just crack on.
- [Alex] OK, fine. - OK.
Very good. We're off. What's next?
It's the first of the tasks. It's the slipperiest of the tasks.
- Oooh! - Ready?
Hello.
[Alex] Hello, Hugh.
It's very, um... It's very well sealed, that one.
"Slide the furthest."
"You have 20 minutes and one attempt."
"Your time starts now."
Holy mackerel.
[she laughs]
Slide the furthest?
I need to be higher, don't I, in order to...
No, not necessarily. I just need trajectory.
- [laughter] - Alright. Shed.
One slide, and it's the furthest wins?
OK.
A slide is basically, um...
It's action without friction.
[Alex] Sounds like a slogan.
Yeah! I like that.
[applause]
I want to focus on "action without friction."
Not my understanding of a slide.
Really?
Well, if there was no friction, you'd carry on for ever, wouldn't you?
Yeah. The only place you can slide with no friction is space.
Oh, we should have gone to space!
[laughter]
Who are we gonna see first, doing action with some friction?
We saw Joe using technical terms like "trajectory" and "higher"...
- So I thought we'd start... - [laughter]
start with Joe and Lolly, if that's alright.
- [Mel] Jolly. - [Greg] Jolly.
- [Alex] Butter? - Butter.
[laughter]
It's all about the, uh...
[laughter]
This is nice.
[Alex] Is it?
- It's lovely. - [Alex] Looks nice.
I'm ready.
[applause]
Yeah, we're gonna hold that there. It's exciting.
We're not gonna show what they've done till the end of the task.
[Greg] Oh, right.
But instead we're gonna start with Hugh,
who is exactly the same age as Joe and Lolly combined.
[laughter]
[Alex] Got your rope?
My rope.
[laughter]
[he strains]
[laughter]
Two metres, Hugh.
[he exhales]
[applause]
He dragged himself a full 18 metres 90,
which is the length of the Titanic.
A scale model of the Titanic.
- [Greg whistles] - [laughter]
- [Greg] Not bad. - Thank you.
Who shall we see?
- Well, uh... - Noel.
- Noel! Yeah, Noel. - Noel.
Let's see if this works, in principle...
[board scuffing]
I'd say this is sliding.
I don't think-- I don't think I'm using that.
Going from up here.
[laughter]
[Alex] 14 metres.
You've got four minutes left. You're still sliding, are you?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
[Alex] That's another 14 metres.
- I'm out. - You're out?
Yeah.
[whistle blows]
[applause]
Always cool.
Looked cool.
It certainly looked cool.
- Real... real dignity. - Mm-hm.
Um, some controversy with this one, then.
Well, the rules were you have one attempt.
You could test out the slide, but you had one attempt.
Why didn't you stop me, then, you dick?
[laughter]
I mean, it's a very good question.
Absolutely exhausted.
At the time, you thought it was one sliding session.
Yeah.
But you were taking readings...
No, I would be angry with him as well, but it's just one slide,
so whichever was the longest of the slides is the one that'll have to count.
So we've got 14 metres and 19 metres.
We still haven't seen how these guys have got on on their three metres of tarpaulin.
Do we need to?
[laughter]
Pretty sure that Lolly will have crashed through the gates,
grabbed hold of the bumper of a car, and done five or six miles.
Well, we'll have a look after the break.
Right, time for an advert or two.
See you in a short while.
Welcome back to good old Taskmaster.
It's part two and we've been watching a sliding scale of comedians.
[Alex] Oh, you're right. Yes, we have.
We've watched Hugh tugging himself an impressive length...
[laughter]
And then Noel had a whole sliding session.
We've saving Joe and Lolly till the end, so it's just Mrs Giedroyc.
Mrs Sled-royc.
Sled-royc. Yeah.
Zip me up, love.
This is absolutely brilliant.
Action without friction, guys.
This is what we're aiming for. Let's do it.
Oh, this feels excellent.
This feels absolutely marvellous.
Keep it going, team. Use the hill.
Now we're back on grass.
Keep going round the corner if you can,
and back! Back up the hill!
[Alex] You've got two minutes left.
[Mel] Oh, my God. Guys, this is...
You're doing amazing work.
Stay on the grass.
You are incredible.
[Alex] That's the end of the slide.
[Mel] Oh. My. God.
I think that's the most fun I've had, sliding.
[applause]
Action without friction.
- Mm-hm. - I mean, ironically,
if you'd have brought a picture of that in,
of you cocooned up in that...
You'd have taken round one as well.
[cute voice] Did you like me as a little caterpillar, Greg?
Ugh, I did.
[laughter]
She slid 56 and a half metres. Well over a metre.
- [Greg whistles] - [applause]
[Alex] 56 and a half metres.
You'd think she had this in the bag.
But she's yet to face a man who's rubbed butter and cream onto himself.
And a woman who thinks that she's gonna be able to slide on concrete.
[Alex] Are you ready?
- [Greg] Yeah! - [Alex] Here we go.
[laughter]
[laughter and applause]
[applause]
[Alex] I'll go to your fingertips.
Ooh, it's not far.
[Lolly laughs]
I missed it.
If Lolly had worn a wool suit and fallen onto velcro,
would she have slid...?
- The same. - The same amount.
[laughter]
Lolly slid 3.2 metres.
That's the same height as Kylie Minogue standing on a horse.
[laughter]
Joe, five metres 80.
Vince Vaughn on Owen Wilson on Ben Stiller on an unlit barbecue.
- [laughter] - Like one of those small ones.
But there's a clear winner and that is, uh...
- Mel Giedroyc! - Bam!
[cheers and applause]
How's the scoreboard looking now, Alex?
It couldn't be much closer.
Hugh is trailing but only by one,
then there are three people in second place.
Mel Giedroyc in first place on seven points.
[Greg] Brilliant!
[applause]
Do you think the next task might do something to rekindle our relationship with Europe?
I believe it can, and if we all believe, then believe me.
Here's the next task.
[phone rings]
Hello.
[Alex] Hello, Lolly.
Oh, exciting.
Is that an actual person?
Hello.
- [silently] Who's that? - [laughter]
Hello.
Hello!
[laughter]
Hello.
I don't do this. Filming yourself.
Doesn't appear to be a task here.
[Fred] Yeah.
Oh, that's-- Oh, good!
"Maintaining constant eye contact and making continuous small talk..."
"with this Swedish person,"
"put on the wetsuit, flippers, face mask and snorkel."
Where even are those things?
"Your head may not leave the Swedish person's frame at any point."
"You may not move the laptop from its current position."
"Fastest wins."
"Your time..." Taking my shoes off.
"Your time starts... when..."
"when the Swedish person smiles at you."
[laughing] I don't... I don't know where it is.
[applause]
Different approach to webcam chat.
You were very uncomfortable with it, Mel.
I don't do that thing where you look at someone on the screen and...
chat.
You think it's a bit smutty?
It's just the idea of somehow it being in your own home...
- It's all a bit private. - Is that what you call it?
[laughter]
So, they had to put on a wetsuit while making small talk with a Swede.
Yeah.
We're gonna dock you five seconds every time you break eye contact.
- Ooh. - [Alex] OK?
And also there's a bonus point for whoever puts on the wetsuit best,
'cause there were some struggles.
We're gonna start off with Mel and Joe. Here we go.
Ah, so sweet!
- [BUZZER] - OK, right, come on.
[Alex] Constant eye contact, please.
Sorry, constant eye contact.
That's a smile, innit? I've got to start.
What's your name?
Fred.
So, um, what do you tend to do for Christmas?
Visit my parents.
What kind of line of work are you in?
I'm a painter-decorator and a musician.
- A painter-decorator and a musician? - [BUZZER]
That's a niche couple of things, isn't it?
Mm-hm.
I've never actually done... [BUZZER] a thing where you film yourself into a computer.
[BUZZER]
- [Alex] Eye contact, please, Mel. - Oh, God, sorry. I just looked down.
I was looking for my zip.
To do up.
- [BUZZER] - [laughter]
I like you. Are you single?
Yeah.
Do you like to cook...
- [BUZZER] - Swedish food?
No, I think it's quite boring.
Really?
- What are you looking for in a relationship? - [BUZZER]
Good question. See, that's probably why I'm single.
Oh, no!
What's your favourite, er, type of quiche?
- [laughter] - Quiche?
You look great.
[laughing] It's done something!
[BUZZER]
- [BUZZER] - [Alex] Eye contact, please, Joe.
And how long have you been single?
- Two years. - Oh, my God.
I think things are gonna be alright for you, though.
Thanks, man.
Erm, I've got to put the snorkel in, so...
Tatty-byes, my love. Great to talk.
[BUZZER]
[whistle blows]
[cheers and applause]
I don't think it's disrespectful to suggest
that if Fred did have inappropriate thoughts,
as soon as the mask went on...
[laughter]
maybe his desire left him.
I thought they both did very well.
Yes?
Joe genuinely flirting with Fred.
- You-- Unbelievable. - I think he's very handsome.
- He was nice, wasn't he? - He's single.
Mellow.
Did you get his number?
No, I didn't.
The problem was you started with small talk, with the quiche chat.
You asked him what his favourite yoghurt was.
- That's incredible small talk, by the way. - Very small, yes.
Started with small talk, drifted into big talk.
- He asked him... - Big talk.
You said, "Are you single? I think you'll be OK. I believe in you."
Wow.
- [Alex] Is that small talk? - [Greg] That's not small talk.
I'm obviously going in with the wrong chats on Tinder, aren't I?
[Greg] Oh, yeah. Definitely.
If you're gonna go in with existential stuff, you're gonna remain single.
"What's your favourite yoghurt?"
"How do you feel about death?"
[laughter]
He was quick, though. Very quick.
Four minutes 22 to put the entire wetsuit on,
whereas six minutes four to put on sort of half a wetsuit.
Let's see if Hugh and Lolly managed to charm the Swede.
[Alex] Here we go.
Is that a smile?
I don't think that is a smile.
That's a kind of a mad, crazed killer sort of look.
And what do you do?
I'm a musician and a decorator.
Oh, cool. [BUZZER] What kind of music do you play?
Little bit of everything.
[BUZZER]
Oh, you're back. Hello.
[BUZZER]
I'm maintaining eye contact with you.
What's your favourite colour to paint?
Blue.
- [BUZZER] - I knew you were gonna say that!
So do you go to IKEA a lot?
- [laughter] - Not really, no.
- [Alex] Eye contact please, Hugh. - [BUZZER]
- What did you last paint blue?
- Er, a kitchen. - Lovely.
[BUZZER]
I am wearing this now, so...
[whistle blows]
Mmm.
[laughter]
[applause]
Interesting. We were talking about the definition of small talk,
and perhaps Joe jazzed it up a little bit too much.
Is "What was the last thing you painted blue?" going too far the other way?
[laughter]
- I think that was tiny talk. - That's tiny talk.
Tiny talk.
They were both quick, though.
Three minutes 45 by Hugh, four minutes 10.
How much of the wetsuit did Hugh actually have on?
All of it.
Half?
♪ Haaalf? ♪
Sorry. ♪ Haaalf? ♪
Well, I'm not sure that was on the task.
I didn't say you have to put it-- It just said put the wetsuit on.
[Alex] It did.
So it doesn't mean put it on, it just means have it on.
[laughter]
Just Noel's attempt left to see.
But not until we've gorged on advertising.
See you after that.
You've returned to the third part of Taskmaster,
where we're trying to maintain a healthy relationship with Europe
by video-calling our old pal, Fred, in Sweden.
Too right, Greg.
We've already seen four of our comics
struggle to maintain eye contact with a digital Fred,
while donning diving gear.
The only attempt left to see is that of the comedian Noel Fielding.
[he laughs]
Hey, how are you?
Good, how are you?
- Are you really Swedish? - Yeah.
- [BUZZER] - Yeah, you're pretty blond.
I'm quite blond as well, but I dye my hair black. [BUZZER]
It's important for me to maintain a sort of goth sort of situation.
- [BUZZER] - Otherwise I don't get any work.
Oh, OK. Yeah.
- When it said put these things on... - [BUZZER]
could I just not put them on my head?
- [BUZZER] - In a pile?
I might wear them like an elaborate headpiece.
- There you go. On the head. - [whistle blows]
It's nice talking to you. I hope we can stay in touch.
Yeah.
I don't think we will, though, will we?
Probably not.
Alright, I'll see you later. Bye.
Yeah, see you. Bye.
[applause]
What you just said on the video was,
"Realistically, I don't think we're gonna stay in touch."
And I was gonna give you a point for that honesty.
[laughter]
And that's the only point you're gonna get out of this round, believe me.
- Happy? - Yeeah!
OK, well we can see it's quite a complicated one.
We have to use a graph system, I'm afraid.
So this how they did before the penalty points for eye-contact breakage.
So it's whoever is lowest has done the best.
So Noel was very quick, but you've disqualified him, unfortunately.
Hugh, you're fastest at this point, but when we adjust the scores...
it ends up looking like this.
So actually it's Lolly, then Joe, then Hugh and then Mel. OK?
[applause]
Noel's also getting one point for the small talk.
And a bonus point for Joe for putting the wetsuit on fully.
He was the only one who wore the wetsuit.
[Greg] There you go.
[applause]
Onwards, onwards.
Here's a sort of team task.
That looks a bit worrying.
Oh, look! Look!
"Please whisper this task to Alex."
Through the cans, please, Lolly.
Oh...
Thank you, Lolly.
Joe, could you read your task, please?
Noel, could you read your one, please?
Thank you, Noel.
[applause]
What I like about that is, much like my good self,
Hugh was not at all baffled by the cans,
because when we were children, they were actual toys.
I'm not sure everybody fully understands the task.
No. I do, though.
I understand the task is whoever accomplishes the tasks best.
It's a team task. Whichever team does best gets the points.
Oh, it's that straightforward, is it?
It's that straightforward.
Do you want to see how the most loved double act on TV got on?
Mel and Hugh. Here we go.
[whistle blows]
[Alex] What are you doing?
Oh, no. Really?
[Mel] What?
Oh, no, Hugh! No, no.
Hugh, what's going on?
I've got to put as many things in the bathtub as possible.
- I've got to cover it with... - You've got to cover it with...?
Oooh, my God.
I'm gonna have to leave him a little space.
Just getting all-- Oh, hang on.
That's good.
Argh!
This is so hard!
This is really hard.
Shall I help you do that?
Have we got to cover it or we don't get anything?
- We've got to cover the surface. - With cling film?
With cling film.
You go over there. You roll it back.
OK.
OK?
Keep rolling, keep rolling so you don't miss the end of it.
Cold feet here, Hugh.
Mel?
His feet are cold.
Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick...
Right, just this-- No, no, no!
[Mel] Looking good,
- looking very strong. - [blows whistle]
That's not bad.
Come on, Hugh.
[applause]
You cling-filming Alex's feet is, again,
far cuter than peas in a pod.
What I thought was delightful about the whole thing is,
no one told you this was a team task, but you just worked together.
You worked out very quickly that you both had different tasks to do.
Hugh, so chivalrous, "I'm gonna start cling-filming as well."
I've nothing negative to say about that.
That was just two people helping each other.
- [sobbing] And I don't understand why... - It's OK.
[laughter]
Just think, everything would be a little bit better.
See, I refuse to accept the slightly younger generation can't do exactly the same.
That they can't work together.
Here we go.
[Alex] Everyone ready?
- [Joe] Yeah. - Um, are we all working together?
[whistle blows]
[laughter]
No idea what we're creating here.
[Joe] No, I don't like you.
I can't get it out!
[Noel] I think I got the easiest part of this task.
[Alex] How's it going, Noel?
Alright, yeah. I think so.
Not sure if I read my task properly.
- You did. - I did?
[Joe] Fucking cling film!
[laughter]
Forty seconds left, Lolly.
[laughter]
[whistle blows]
[Alex] Step away from the bath, please.
Thanks, guys. Great teamwork.
[Joe] We should have told each other our tasks.
[laughter]
[applause]
I mean, what have you got to say for yourselves?
I mean, at least there was a slight nod from Noel at the beginning,
"Is this a team task?" he asked, and then he just stood there...
pissing water into a bath while Rome burned.
[laughter]
And I've got another question.
What's with the table?
- You put a giant table in about five times. - [Lolly] I thought the table would...
stop the cling film from ruining my journey.
Your journey.
They did put 39 things in.
Mainly stones and a wipe.
- They put a wipe. - One wipe.
No tables, at the end.
No, no. The table was yoyoed in and out.
I think I broke a table, didn't I?
Oh, you broke two tables, and there was, um...
very little cling film. Negligible.
- "N/A", I've put after the cling film. - Awful, awful.
Post-nuclear apocalypse. Horrible.
Noel put quite a bit of water in, but the table dislodged the plug, so...
- [laughter] - Most of the water came out.
- You gonna mark it? - Yep.
OK, how many points are the oldsters getting?
[Greg] The oldsters get the full points.
- Full five points? - Full five points.
And nothing for these, not even Water Man?
- Of course, not. Zero. - OK, so five to zero.
- [Lolly] We got so much stuff in that bath. - [Joe] I think it's fair.
[Noel] I've been absolutely rinsed.
Alex, hit me with the next task.
OK, I will. Get ready.
Go!
Nice.
Ooh!
Duck!
[laughter]
My duck friend! I love this duck.
"Throw something into something."
"Most unbelievable throw wins."
"You have ten minutes to plan your throw."
"Then ten minutes to pull it off. Your time starts now."
OK.
Just gonna pop to the shed.
[Alex] OK.
Feels like the right thing to do.
[applause]
So you're hoping for something impressive.
I think that's the key word here. "Impressive."
And you're hoping for one of those videos that you see of somebody just...
tossing a basketball into a bin.
That the kids all watch online, yeah.
- Hmm. - Yeah.
OK, well, we'll have a look at three of them as one.
Joe, Lolly and Hugh.
[laughter]
Your ten minutes starts... now.
[Alex] Ooh.
That was close, that one.
[audience groans]
I can do this. I believe in myself.
[laughter]
OOOH!
[audience groans]
[laughter]
Oh, that was so close!
[whistle blows]
- [applause] - [Joe whoops]
Big dog in the hooouse!
I think the proof of the pudding with these internet videos
is whether you can imagine people chatting next to the water cooler
- on a Monday morning about them. - Mm-hm.
So perhaps we could roleplay some of them.
OK, OK.
You just be standing by the water cooler.
OK.
Ha, have you seen that video?
Which video?
The one of a guy throwing a nut...
Oh.
into the small end of a traffic cone
that he is seated relatively close to.
You try and do it, you bellend.
[laughter]
What job do we do in the roleplay?
- Oh, in the office? - Just need to get into the role more.
Um, we work in...
export.
- OK. - [laughter]
We export meat.
Meat. Oh.
Ooh, lovely old shipment of meat just went out.
Tell you what, though.
You haven't seen that video where a woman inexplicably
sits on a tennis umpire's chair and throws handfuls of sweets
at a man seated on the ground with a cup of tea in his hand?
No, very busy with my meat.
- Oh, God. - [laughter]
Have you got one more video to tempt me with?
Oh, yeah, I did see this amazing video
- of a man... - How old?
Oh...
[laughter]
realistically, mid-80s.
[laughter]
Who was attempting to make us believe he'd thrown toast into a toaster
- which is on a roof. - On a roof?
No reason for that! It's on a roof.
But he forgot to take away the previous attempts.
Oh.
So if it had gone in, it wouldn't have looked impressive,
'cause we've all seen how many times he's tried it.
- Have you seen that video? - Yeah, I like that one.
Right, let's get these pigs to France.
[laughter and applause]
Can I actually just say something against myself,
which I hadn't realise until watched that video?
Why am I throwing toast that's already been toasted?
[laughter]
Wow.
Back in. Why?
Right. Ad time.
Join us soon for the final part of the show
and a live task. Bye for now!
Hi there. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's the final quarter of tonight's show,
and there's a bunch of cute prizes to be won.
Alex is about to remind us what was happening before the break,
weren't you, Alex? Hello!
Hi, Greg. Thanks for that, and good evening to our viewers everywhere.
- OK, so... - [laughter]
We've been doing a lot of throwing.
We've just got Noel and Mel left to go, and we're gonna start with Noel,
impressively throwing something into something.
[Greg whistles]
[glass smashing]
[audience gasps]
[applause]
[he laughs]
[duck squeaks]
[applause]
D'you see that video?
[laughter]
I did see it. I mean, I thought he did throw something into something.
Yeah, he successfully threw a tennis ball into a caravan.
It's really hard to catch that on a tennis racket.
[Greg] Yeah.
Then at the last minute... [he groans]
- Such a shame. - Mm-hm.
Such a shame, but I enjoyed the ball going into the caravan.
- Yeah, that's what you wanted, isn't it? - Yeah, yeah. It's enough for me.
- [laughter] - Right. Back to it.
[laughter]
You prepare the meat, don't you?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
This stuff's going to Japan.
- Yeah. - [laughter]
Well, there is one more to distract you.
Do you want to see Mel Giedroyc?
- Oh, yeah! - OK. Have a look at this.
I used to love it on The A-Team...
when there would be a moving vehicle,
and people would run along...
and jump into the vehicle.
I'd say that's throwable.
Where are you, Bernardo?
Go, Alex!
I can't see a bloody thing.
Here we go, there's the car.
Yeees.
Did we do it?
Is he still in there?
Come on.
[applause]
Did you see that woman throw half a man into a slow-moving car?
[laughter]
[Alex] Do you wanna judge them, then?
OK, well, it's difficult to know what the worst is,
but I think it was throwing M&Ms at you.
Skittles.
Oh! Oh, God.
[laughter]
Lolly's first.
Yeees.
Lolly's last.
Er...
Nut Boy is a very close fourth.
OK, even though he got it into a small hole?
Even though he got it into a small hole,
it was fucking rubbish.
Er, obviously the bread maniac.
The caravan, I liked the ambition, so I'm gonna put him in second.
And the corpse into the moving car takes first place.
OK, there we go.
What's the scoreboard like at the moment?
I'll show you the scoreboard if you want.
- Oooh! - Well, it's still...
not anyone's game, but Hugh and Mel
are vying for it at the top of the league table. Here we go.
[applause]
OK, it's time to stretch those legs.
Please make your way up to the stage for the final task of the show!
[applause]
Hello.
[everyone] Hello, Greg!
Would you please ask Hugh to read out the task?
Hello, Hugh.
Oh, hi.
- [laughter] - Hello.
You alright, Hugh?
Thursday!
[laughter]
Right, the task is...
"Make the longest continuous noise."
"There will also be a bonus point for the best noise."
[Greg] Wow.
If you four could all put on your earphones and eye masks.
The reason that you're blindfolded and having the headphones
is so you can't copy other people's cool noises.
- Ah, shall we put them on now? - [Greg] Yep!
What, so, long noise?
- Long, continuous noise, yes. - OK.
If you could just stand in front of your chair.
Continuous, and don't forget there's a bonus point for the best noise.
[blows whistle]
[groaning noise]
- [Noel laughs] - [whistle blows]
- He made me laugh! - [applause]
Not fair! You made me laugh!
OK, Mel!
I mean, there's still a good chance you're gonna get that extra bonus point, though.
Is my mascara a bit...?
- Yes, it is a bit. - OK, that's fine.
- It really is. - Alice Cooper.
It really has messed it. Let's go.
[blows whistle]
[low croaking noise]
Ah! [blows whistle] There was a slight pause.
There was a slight break in the death rattle.
There was a slight pause in the death rattle.
Say what you want about Alex Horne,
he's on pauses like a fucking puma.
[Alex] Thank you.
OK, so if you could just stand there, Lolly. Alright?
- God, that music is horrible. - It's terrible.
It's by The Horne Section.
[laughter]
OK, on the whistle.
- Good luck, Lolly. - I have asthma.
Me too. Ready?
[laughter]
- [Greg] Love the stance. - [Mel] It's good.
[whistle blows]
[wailing noise]
[whistle blows]
[applause]
If only you'd finished that with a full vomit onto the stage.
[laughter]
Your turn!
No reaction whatsoever to you kissing him.
On the whistle, please, Joe.
[blows whistle]
[faint droning noise]
[croaking noise]
[laughter]
[blows whistle] Wow!
[Greg] Wow!
[Alex] Thirty-two.
Your turn, Hugh. Your turn.
My feeling is Hugh's totally forgotten where he is.
[laughter]
I don't even know whether this'll work.
Right, OK, well...
[laughter]
Are you sure you got the task right?
[laughter]
[Alex] On the whistle.
[whistle blows]
[whooshing noise]
It's all about the arms now.
[laughter]
Whoa...
Those muscles ain't so built up.
[laughter]
Keep going, mate.
I like how it's pointing at you, Greg.
[laughter]
So do I.
- [Noel] Go on, Desky. - [Mel] Go on, Desk.
[Greg] You let it go, mate.
Go on, Desky!
[encouraging cheers]
[whistle blows]
He got arrogant!
[applause]
So, Greg, I will add this up in a minute.
Do you wanna judge on the bonus point for best noise?
Yeah. It'll come as no surprise to you,
I'm giving it to old Windmill there.
[applause]
How are the scores?
Well, Noel - and you did interfere - had four seconds.
You made me laugh.
I didn't mean to.
Then we go up to Mel with 14,
Lolly with 21, Hugh with 30,
but Joe got 32 seconds!
[applause]
So what has that done to our final scores?
Well, thanks to that bonus point, it means it's a tie.
- Let's have a look. - [they gasp]
- [Joe] Ooh, it's a tie. - [Mel] Tie-break!
- [Greg] Ooh! - [Alex] Mel and Hugh.
What do we do in this situation?
- We have a tie-break. - Tie-break!
Yes, over the past few months,
our contestants took part in some tie-break challenges.
And in this tie-break, we've asked them to speed-eat.
- [Greg] Ooh. - Here we go.
"Eat as many peas as possible. You have one minute."
"Your time starts now."
[laughter]
I'm gonna funnel them.
[laughter]
Mm.
[laughter]
[whistle blows]
[applause]
Well, you certainly looked like you got through some peas there.
Oh, yeah. Definitely ate some peas, yeah.
- I'm on tenterhooks. - Mm-hm.
Well, there were 500 peas on the table.
They both ate under 200 peas.
Mel ate 174 peas in one minute.
Almost three per second.
And Hugh ate... 199 peas.
[cheers and applause]
[Greg] He's done it!
So the rightful winner of the cute prizes is none other than Hugh Dennis.
Please go and reap your rubbish rewards!
[cheers and applause]
That was a good one, I think.
Yes, and for the record, you would have been my cutest thing.
- Why don't you shut your dirty mouth? - Yes, I will. I'm sorry.
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that kids can't work together,
and the planet is gonna go up in flames.
We're all gonna burn.
Please put your hands together for tonight's magnificent winner,
Mr Hugh Dennis!
Farewell!
[subtitles by tribbletown]