Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Move it! Move it! Move it!
That means you, too, Ethan. Head ashore, sailor.
Aye, aye, sir. Head ashore!
I don't know, but I've been told!
Coast Guard kids got lots of soul!
- Sound off - One, two
- I get the top bunk because I'm older. - By two minutes.
You know, when I was an ensign, I always had the bottom bunk.
- Did the guy above you wet his bed? - Good point.
- Sound off - Three, four
Do they have girls' boxing at our new school?
I hope not.
Does not complaining about the move from San Diego...
count as my good deed for today?
I'd sign off on that.
Admiral, this is our 12th move in my lifetime.
I admire your record-keeping, Harry. First-rate ship's log.
William, what have you got there?
Academy applications, SAT forms, Capitol Hill summer internship forms...
and the number of the girl two houses down.
- Outstanding. - One, two.
- So that's Christina Beardsley. - Christina!
The zip is 06320.
Christina, we have just moved here. Who could you possibly be talking to?
J. Crew. I wanna make sure they change all my shipping information.
- Sound off - Three, four
Well, Mrs. Munion, what do you think of Connecticut?
I'm delighted to be here in the birthplace of Lyme disease.
I see we're not unpacking our suitcase again.
Not until you guarantee this is our last move.
You're gonna like New London, Harry.
I used to live here when I was a kid.
- You were a kid? - Yeah.
Hey, I didn't hear anything about that guarantee.
Well, Son, you know the life of a military brat.
New places, new adventures.
This isn't our last move, is it?
No, this is just one stopover on our way to D.C.
Someday our dad is gonna be...
Commandant of the entire U.S. Coast Guard.
Someday I am gonna be...
the Commandant of the entire U.S. Coast Guard...
so don't piss me off. Unpack your suitcase.
Yes, sir.
Admiral, look at that!
Fiona, come back!
Fiona, you're not supposed to eat pizza!
- Looks like a nuthouse. - It looks like fun.
There's no ham on it.
Come back!
Oh, Max, I'm so excited.
If you get me this private line at Saks Fifth Avenue...
I will love you forever. This is cute, huh?
Yes, thank you. This one is great.
I should really get going if I'm gonna make that meeting.
I'm sorry. Do you have to keep doing that?
It's in my soul. Don't look at the camera.
Naoko, just back off a little bit. Give him a little room.
- Do a master shot, okay? - Fine.
Hello. Excuse me. You wanna hear my new song?
Okay, rock on. Yes!
Mommy's gonna listen to the rest of this song...
when your mom and I are finished with work.
- Here you go. - It was great, Phoebe.
Helen, I gotta tell you, I think we're set here.
No, just one more, Max. I was thinking about this one.
- I mean, I don't know. Lau. - Yeah?
- What do you think of this one, honey? - Please!
It needs a little swag. A scooch of Gucci.
Like this, but in gold.
No one will ever doubt you're my son.
- Mom! - What?
- He's painting our roses again. - It's art.
You can't call it art unless you have talent.
That's just tagging.
Helen, really, I have got to go. I think we're really good.
I really should be getting out of here.
Max, just give me one second. I love this one. Just need one second, okay?
Mom, there's something wrong with my sax.
What is it, honey?
- Okay, I'll be right back. - Sounds the same to me.
What's on my head? What's on my head? What's on my head?
- Jimi, we found Rainbow! - Don't let it bite me.
- Where's Rainbow?
- Get it off! - Here he is. Come here, Rainbow.
- Come here, Rainbow. - Over there.
Hey, Max, thank you for being so incredibly patient.
Get back here!
- This is fun. - Fiona, come back.
Mom!
Aldo, are you okay?
I'm shiny, Mommy.
Yes, you are very shiny.
Max. Max, I am so sorry.
It gets a little crazy around here sometimes.
A little?
No, Helen, this is all terrific.
You're very talented, and so are your 10 kids.
Thank you, Max.
Maybe our next meeting will be a contract signing...
and maybe it'll be in the city.
Yeah. Sounds good.
- Hey, Max. - Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- See you, Max. - Okay.
Okay, can you please explain to me...
why you just let that very single guy out of here without even asking for a date?
Phoebe, what guy could possibly deal with all of this?
Is this all yours, Admiral?
No, it belongs to the Coast Guard. I'm just gonna run it for them.
- So it is all yours. - Basically.
Frank! Frank.
- Good to see you, man. - Good to see you, too, Darrell.
All right. "Mad Dog" Beardsley.
Who'd have thought they'd ever let Frank "The Mad Dog" back here...
much less run the place?
- You remember my youngest, Ethan? - Mad Dog Jr.
Can you give me a...
Captain.
You are out of control, little man.
- Request permission to play, Admiral? - Permission granted.
I've seen Navy SEALs not as well-trained.
Well, when there's eight of them and one of you, it's your only hope.
It's Mad Dog Beardsley, the pirate.
Always on red alert with him.
Hey, Frank, are you dating at all yet?
No, no. Not yet.
'Cause I know this terrific gal I'd love to set you up with.
I know you'd like her. She's too good for me.
No, Darrell. No, thanks.
All right. Well, just think about it, that's all I'm saying.
- I'll think about it. - All right.
...winds out of the southeast at 5 miles an hour.
The barometer right now is 30.27 and falling, air humidity 76%.
Now, there's a 20% chance of showers for New London and points south.
Way to go, Paula!
Way to go, Paula! You go!
- Why is Mommy crying? - I think it's hormones.
- Mom! - Here.
- Mom, do you have my algebra... - I got it covered.
- Mom, can I have $5? - In the chicks.
- Can you hand me that? - Thank you for saving this.
All right, ladies, wanna go get dressed?
- Yeah. - Come on, let's go upstairs. Come on.
- I'm out. - Bye.
See you later, alligator.
Bye, Mommy.
Reunion cruise.
Oh, yeah, like I have time to go on a cruise.
Mom! Mick's dog just puked on Aldo.
Sorry.
- I'm worried. - Don't be, Eth.
I've done this a million times. You'll be great.
Okay, guys, fan out. William and I will take Ethan to pre-K.
All right. Everyone meet up here afterwards, okay?
Come on, it'll be fine.
- I'm gonna get you! - Superheroes, hurray!
- Superhero bouncers. - Hey, watch out!
I thought you weren't interested in Max.
And I thought you weren't gonna wear black anymore.
This isn't black. This is tie-dye. And I'm not interested in Max.
I'm interested in that buyer that he's bringing up from New York.
Oh, there it is. Thanks, Phoebe.
Why don't you just have them here?
Homes are for free expression, not for good impressions.
Incoming!
If you catch my drift.
Are you sure you wanna wear the uniform, Admiral?
Not that you don't look great.
It just looks so military.
She might as well know what she's getting.
Okay, but hold off on that eight-kid thing.
Why?
Because that's a minimum third-date, second-bottle-of-wine announcement.
Hey, you know, believe it or not, I have been on a few dates before...
a couple of decades ago.
- Admiral? - Yeah.
Ethan, do you know that you can call me Dad?
Oh. Admiral, is this lady gonna be our new mom?
- I don't think so. It's just a blind date. - She can't see?
Can she navigate using sonar, like a bat?
Hey, why don't you guys go swimming in the bathtub?
- Aye, aye, sir. - Go ahead.
- I get the boat. - Uh-uh, you get the duck.
- You get the duck. - No.
Let's just give her a little hint of what's underneath.
You know, Christina, sometimes I wonder where you came from.
Mom's side.
- Don't wait up. - I won't.
And so Otter, he says, "Is she blind?"
And Ely wants to know if you're a bat.
Because...
Would you like red or white?
- Red. - Red it is.
Darrell would drink beer with everything.
I mean, if he could have a keg with dinner, he would.
- Would you like to order? Waiter? - Sure.
- I'll be right back. - Sure.
See? Now that is the kind of thing that would drive Darrell crazy.
"You're here now," he'd say, "So take our order!"
You talk about Darrell a lot.
Well, yeah.
We were married for seven years. He didn't tell you that?
Must have slipped his mind.
Yeah, well, that's just like him. I'm gonna go hit the head.
Thank you so much.
- Helen? - Frank.
- Helen? - Frank Beardsley.
- Well, what are you... - What are you...
- No, you first. - No, you go first.
- Well, I'm having dinner with my... - Hi, Frank. Max Algrant.
Pleased to meet you.
So, what are you doing back here?
- Sit down, sit down. - Oh, yeah. Thank you.
Well, I've been back here forever.
I didn't want my kids growing up in the whole...
you know, New York money-status thing.
- Yeah, that thing. That's right. - Yeah.
- So, are you in town for the reunion? - No. I'm...
I moved my family back here. I'm running the Coast Guard Academy.
- I'm an Admiral. - Yeah.
- That's why I'm wearing the uniform. - Yeah.
- An Admiral. Whoa. - Yeah.
With a family.
- Well, you, too. It's great. I mean... - Yeah.
- We're ready. - Okay. Well...
- It's great to see you again. - Good to see you.
Okay, bye.
Were you distracted by his good-conduct medal?
Shut up, Max.
Helen White.
"16,137 results."
This Internet is so darn easy.
Oh, God. He's married.
So how'd it go with Claudia? She's quite a catch, huh?
Yeah. It's amazing you ever let her go.
She mentioned she's my ex-wife, did she?
Yeah, it came up.
What, did you ask for references?
You know, just 'cause she hates me is no reason you two couldn't work out.
You know who I ran into at the restaurant?
- Uh-uh. - Helen White.
Ring a bell? Ding-ding?
Helen White? Wait a minute.
The Helen White? The one you were gonna marry?
Well, it's either fate or trouble.
She looked great, but I think she's married.
She was with some guy, and she had a ring.
Okay, that's trouble. Come on, Frank, what are you thinking?
I don't know. I was up all night. I was Googling her.
Jeez, Frank, you Googled another man's wife?
Yeah. What do you think that means?
I don't know. Something dirty.
Well, it's not.
I just wish there was a place I could run into her again.
Remember the senior-class picnic down by the river?
- The thunderstorm? - Yeah.
Everybody screaming. Then we crawled under the rowboat.
Oh, yeah.
And then, even when it stopped raining, we didn't come out.
Yeah.
Anyway, that Max...
he's a lucky guy.
Max? You think I'm with Max? No.
But you're wearing a wedding ring.
Yeah, no, I am. I just never took it off.
My husband passed away about four years ago.
Car accident.
Oh, I'm sorry. I understand. I...
I lost my wife a few years ago.
Oh, Frank, I'm sorry.
Flashback!
Frank and Helen holding hands.
- So cute. - You wanna dance?
So, how many kids do you have?
How many kids do you have?
You first.
Okay, look, you're gonna find out eventually...
because there's too many to hide in the closet.
I have eight kids.
I have 10.
- You have 10? - I have 10.
- You don't. - I do. I have 10.
- Did you say 10? - Yeah.
I had four and we adopted six.
I mean, that wasn't the plan.
We were foster parents, and we just fell in love with all of them...
so we adopted.
- Probably seems crazy. - You don't have to explain to me.
I mean, I never thought that I'd love being a dad this much.
My wife, she was the one who wanted the big family.
But now it just seems like the most natural thing in the world.
Is this really happening?
I hope so.
So then I asked her to marry me.
- And I said yes. - What?
It was spontaneous and so romantic.
- How could you do this? - We don't even know this guy!
You got married?
- Without telling us? - Yeah. Yeah.
Sir, at least when you were reassigned to Guam, there was an e-mail.
Does he know you have 10 kids?
- Who wants the talking stick first? - May I have it, please?
Yes, Jimi.
- Are you crazy? - Yeah, Mom.
We don't even know him, Mom!
Okay. Quiet. I have the talking stick.
He's a lovely, lovely man.
And I'm sorry that we didn't include you. And he has...
Ten kids?
Hey, guys.
No. There's no way. Let's make this...
Guys!
Lt'll be fun...
having 10 new brothers and sisters.
Okay, come on, guys. Come on, come on, group hug. Come on.
- Come on. - Okay.
It's gonna be fun.
But where will we live?
Hey, Mick, come down here.
Come on, Fiona.
Okay. Head count. We've got...
5, 10...
15, 16, 17, 18...
plus the pig. All present and accounted for.
Before you make your break for the bedroom...
could you point me to my billet?
Behind the kitchen, Mrs. Munion. How do you like the place?
- It has a certain... - Charm.
...smell.
Like paprika with a hint of wet dog.
We're really glad you like the place.
Okay. Okay.
- Crew! - Kids!
All right, then. All right, kids. Fall in for billeting!
- For what? - Room assignments.
All eyes on the chart.
Your rooms are numbered.
Your bathroom schedules are color-coded.
- You've gotta be kidding. - Yeah, right.
That's a good thing. It's great...
because we all need a little bit of organization.
We do, honey. You did a beautiful job.
Great. Mom gets married, we get drafted.
Get back, Fiona. Get back here. Fiona.
Hey, what's that badge for?
It's pretty cool.
- Animal skinning. - Mom!
- Done! - You have an illness.
- Hey! What are you doing? - It's called decorating.
- No, that's called vandalism. - Whatever.
Okay.
- No way. - No way.
Come back, Fiona! Come back!
Spit it. Spit it out!
- Come on, spit it out. - What is going on?
Come on, give it to me.
Where's my cell phone?
You are so dead.
She's just a pig.
Not the pig. You.
Mom, the cheerleader's after me! Run, Fiona!
Kids!
Admiral!
Sounds like they're bonding.
That doesn't sound like bonding to me, Frank.
- They just need a little jump-start. - Jump-start?
Yeah. Look, grab about a quart of sun block.
I have a plan.
Okay.
So, everyone, what do you think of the My Way?
Who's gonna sail this thing?
We, the Beardsley family, sail it...
while you guys, I'm guessing, hang out in the cabin and pick your noses.
No, we are all going to sail it...
working together like the many tentacles of an octopus...
guided by one brain.
My children have separate brains, Frank.
It's just a figure of speech.
- No, it isn't. - Hey, trust me.
One hour at sea together, gonna be best friends.
Okay, prepare to come about!
- Coming about! - Come a what?
Look out!
Wasn't anybody listening...
when I gave my briefing about standard nautical procedure?
I have sunscreen in my eye, sweetie.
Oh, well, let's go below. We'll wash it out.
- William, take the wheel. - Aye, aye, sir.
- Mrs. Munion, you have the kids. - No problem.
Get that camera away from me.
But I'm capturing the verite of life at sea.
How about capturing my fist in your face?
Hey!
Look, Otter peed in his pants.
No, I didn't. That's just water.
It doesn't smell like water.
I'm gonna go tell our dad.
- I'm gonna tell my mom. - I'm gonna tell my mom.
I don't feel so good.
Just keep your eye on the horizon. I'll get you some ginger ale.
- Kelly, get ready to feed the sail. - Aye, aye.
What are you doing? Come on, watch it.
Raise the jib!
Hey! Get me down! Get me down!
Okay, get me down from here, you freaks!
- Such a loser. - Oh, yeah?
Let's see how funny you think this is from the water.
- He's gonna kill me. - Stop it!
You better run for it.
Oh, gross!
- What's going on? - Coming about!
William! Come about!
- William! - What's going on?
I'm fine, sweetie.
Is this standard nautical procedure?
No.
Oops, missed a little spot right there.
What's the matter?
I'm just giving up on my dream of having an all-family sailing team.
Well, look on the bright side.
You got to spend the day at sea with me.
Yeah. Yeah, that was okay.
That was okay? That was okay?
- I'll show you okay. - Oh, yeah?
We can hear that.
No, you can't.
Maybe if we're really, really quiet. Okay?
A little quieter.
No, I like hearing their voices. It helps me sleep.
Well, I like quiet. Now shut up.
- Why don't you shut up, loser? - "Shut up" is a bad word.
Maybe if we're really, really, really...
Quiet. Yeah.
This family is nuts.
Maybe if we had a door that worked.
Yeah. Tomorrow.
Mom!
Make her stop!
That noise!
Hey, reveille! Reveille! It's 6:05!
Time to get up! Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Move it, move it, move it!
Oh, my God. Who's killing a goat?
All right. These are your schedules with latrine times.
You get seven minutes each. Do not waste it.
Why do I suddenly feel like I'm in prison?
Fashion police caught up with you?
Snap! Up top, girlfriend!
- Why the drill, Admiral? - It's not a drill, William.
We have doubled our force. That calls for increased coordination.
Don't worry, you'll soon be doing this in your sleep.
I am asleep.
- Can someone pass the hash browns? - Hey, guys, give me that cereal.
Kelly, can you please give me a pancake?
I don't want any.
Bacon, please.
Thank you.
Wait, I want that.
- Butter. I love butter. - Come on.
Give me the syrup, please.
Does somebody want to eat my oatmeal?
I'm sorry, William. Is that your homework?
Listen up!
Before you go to school, there's one thing we need to do.
- Everybody ready? - Yeah.
- Hi, you've reached Frank. - Helen.
- Harry. - Bina.
- Naoko. - Michael.
- Aldo. - Joni.
- Phoebe. - William.
- Otter. - Ely.
- Christina. - Ethan.
- Mick. - Oh!
Hey, are you the freaks?
I heard you have, like, 25 brothers and sisters.
No, we just have 16.
- Nasty. - Dude, I hear they all sleep in drawers!
And they're so poor, they all have to share one pair of underpants!
Eighteen kids! Man, that's like The Brady Bunch!
Times three. Wait!
Party of Five times three, plus My Three Sons.
What? I like math.
Yeah. Won't we, like... Oh, my...
- Hey. - Hi.
And all the pieces fit
And everything was bright
Unbelievable. Not only do I have to listen to it at home...
but I'm forced to catch the road show.
Well, not all music needs back-up dancers.
Just the good music.
- Hey. - Hey!
Forget about it.
What are you talking about?
Look, I've known Nick for years. He's cute, but totally shallow.
Then again, maybe he is your type.
Where's the Admiral?
I'm lodging a formal complaint against Phoebe. She stinks!
He's probably out dreaming up new ways to ruin our lives.
This is so ridiculous!
Just because he got married, we all have to suffer.
Not necessarily.
Okay, what are you doing on Dad's computer?
Just making a few changes to the schedule.
Unauthorized, of course.
Now this I can live with.
Come on! I have to get ready for school.
Your face isn't big enough to hold that much makeup.
Get a watch, hippie chick. It's my time.
She's right. Our time was first.
No way. I checked the schedule last night.
Those evil preppies must have changed it.
- We should pound them! - Yeah.
Kick their butts.
To me, nothing says "time to get out of the bathroom" like...
Fire!
Hey, what's going on? Watch your backs.
- Where's the fire? - Be quick. Go downstairs!
Outside, outside. On the grass. On the grass.
Everyone, let's go!
Okay, out the door, out the door.
Go! Get out, get out, get out!
- Victory to the North kids! - Yeah.
Guys, guys! Come on, let's go watch them!
- Nice towel, Christina. - Yeah, cute boxers, William.
- You guys are so dead. - At least we'll be clean.
Can I get the two of you guys closer together?
- Naoko, what are you doing? - Webcasting.
Say cheese.
Come on, guys.
This is our talking stick.
And this is a "no judgment circle."
So whoever has the stick...
may express themselves without fear or interruption.
So, William, why don't you begin?
Go ahead. Just, you know, say what you need to.
Wait. One of you must have something to say.
Okay, if I can interrupt...
I'll take the talking stick.
Okay, I have something to say.
In the interest of making this house a home...
I have come up with a little chore chart.
- You gotta be kidding me. - Is this a joke?
Charts are never a joke with the Admiral.
Look, Mom, we gotta go. We're gonna be late.
- Let's go. - Yeah, let's get out of here.
Whoa! Whoa!
I want you all home right after school...
because we have to go out and requisition supplies.
- Dismissed. - Let's go.
That's a nice chart, Frank.
Looks like you put a lot of work into it.
And this is definitely one of a kind.
Give me that.
That was a disaster.
Well, at least there's no blood. Yet.
- What are you doing? - Hey, Christina.
You lied to me. You said he was a loser.
- He is a loser. - Hey!
- A very hot loser. - Cool.
Thanks for the warning, Sis.
I'll be sure to return the favor, first chance I get.
She seems sweet.
Hey, Admiral, will you build me and Aldo a sandbox?
Well, sure, once we get further along with the house.
Yay, a sandbox!
Okay, blue team, Spackle.
Red team, insulation.
- You guys, stop that! - I didn't hit you.
- Hey. - Give it back.
You want the ball? Go get it.
- Where'd it go? - Let's go get it!
Hey, buddy, would you give me a hand?
- It's mine. - No, it's mine.
- It's mine. - Mine.
- I want it! It's my ball!
Give it back.
- Hi, Dad. - Hi, Dad.
- How do you stop this thing? - Otter?
I don't know!
Otter!
- Turn the wheel! - Ely! Hey!
Whoa, stop!
Stop! Hey, hit the brake! Hit the brake!
What, this one? Where is the brake?
I don't know. Pull that lever! I can't reach it! Pull it!
- The other lever! - It's this one!
The other one. The other lever!
It's the other lever.
- No, it's this one. - Oh, no!
Otter! Pull the lever! Pull the lever!
The other one! The other lever!
Pull the...
- What will we do? - Get off it!
Otter, Ely!
- Admiral, you okay? - Where are the boys?
- What?
- Where are the boys? - I don't know.
Otter!
Stop! Stop!
Yay, a sandbox!
- How's it going? - Good.
I ordered us a part that'll have us up and running in no time.
You sure are putting a lot of effort into fixing that big old light bulb.
A lighthouse without a light is just a house.
And that's a problem because...
Have I ever told you the story of the beautiful lighthouse keeper?
The beautiful lighthouse keeper? No. I think I would have remembered that.
Well, once upon a time, there was a beautiful lighthouse keeper.
Wait, wait. I thought that lighthouse keepers...
were old men in yellow raincoats with long white beards.
Oh, no. This one was a real hottie.
- She had long red hair. She was tall... - Yeah.
...and her body, it was the bomb.
Anyway, her man was a sailor.
Oh, I love sailors.
And he was afraid that she'd find someone else whenever he was away.
- No. - So she said to him...
"As long as that light up there is lit...
"my heart will always be yours."
So, from then on, whenever he was away at sea...
he could just look back and he'd see that light...
and he knew that his true love still cared.
- Frank? - Yes, my beautiful lighthouse keeper.
We're doing the right thing, aren't we?
- We've had a bumpy start. - Yeah.
Come here, I wanna show you something.
- Okay. - Look.
Okay.
See that? That's the buddy system.
We're jelling as a family, even as we speak.
Yeah. You know, it just might work.
- You have to turn it over. - I know, Lau.
- Thicker, Kelly, thicker. - I know.
Otter and Ely, playing outside.
Ethan, Aldo, playing inside.
Marisa and Bina...
- Can we plant flowers? - A garden?
I think planting a garden would be lovely.
- Yay, a garden! - Flowers are going to be fun.
So that leaves time for a little drive.
I have this romantic spot I've been wanting to take you to.
I'll get my keys.
Mrs. Munion, would you mind watching the little kids for a while?
Oh, sure. They'll be in full lockdown.
- Good. - Well, lockdown won't be necessary.
Just check in on them every now and then.
We'll be back. Mrs. Munion's in charge.
Finally, a moment alone.
Excuse me.
Sorry. We're with quality control.
- Products testing. - I'm sorry. Oh, my God!
- Just leave it. Come on. - I'm so sorry.
- I'm really, really sorry. - Let's try that one.
- Oh, my gosh. - Better yet, let's go look at sofas.
Why do I have to do all this work just to live with these jerks?
Well, what do you suggest?
What, are you gonna drop a stink bomb on them?
Just watch the master.
- Hey! - Watch it, jerk.
Loser!
- Goofer. - Hey, get back here.
- You did not just splatter me with paint. - What are you talking about?
Is that my shirt?
The one that you just got paint on? Yeah, thank God.
- Take it off. - Hey!
- How dare you? - Don't...
- Stop it. ...wear my clothes.
- Hey, it's not a construction pit. - You're not the boss of us.
Oh, yeah?
- Get them! Get them! - Take this.
- Hey, that's my Rescue Hero. - I want it.
- Give it back. - Ow!
Loser! Hit him with the chair!
What's that noise?
Losers!
My wallpaper!
- Hey, what's going on? - Now you guys are all in trouble.
You're going down, Jimi!
Stop! Stop! Hey, guys!
Stop! Hey!
Hey, stop!
Guys!
Whoa! Stop!
You wrecked the house, you trashed the yard...
and you painted the pig.
You turned a 200-year-old panel foyer into a Jackson...
- Pollock. - Pollock!
- It was her fault for wearing my shirt... - I am not finished!
Now, your mother and I know that you do not get along.
But you're just going to have to pretend...
that you like each other until you actually do.
And until you have learned why we think that you are all...
Till you...
Until you've learned why we think you're all so terrific...
we demand a level of civility and cooperation...
or I will bring the hammer down.
- Is it a real hammer? - No, no. That's just a metaphor.
- I'm scared. - Don't be scared, Aldo. Don't be scared.
- I am. - Should I go get the hammer, sir?
It's not a real hammer. It's just a pretend hammer.
I only said that for effect.
Now, we'd like you to all think about what we just said.
Except for maybe the part about the hammer.
Yeah, forget the hammer. Let's just...
Let's just get started cleaning this place up.
But first, let's have a group hug.
- Come on. - Okay.
- Good, good. - You mean...
- actually hug each other? - Yeah, that's what I mean. Come on.
Frank.
Yeah. Well...
Gang, let's get in on this group-hug thing.
Come on, let's... That's an order. Come on.
There you go.
Can't you feel the love, honey?
Okay, everybody. It's time that we call a truce.
- No way. - Over my dead body.
We need to unite against a greater enemy.
And that enemy's name is Mom and Dad.
What are you talking about?
He's saying we are all totally incompatible...
but our parents don't seem to care.
Exactly. Guys, we're all in this together.
Some of us are in it together...
and some of us are busy cornering the boyfriend market.
You stole my shirt. Now we're even, cheerleader.
Come on, guys, none of us likes this situation.
But if we want out, then we gotta stop fighting and get them to start.
- Really? - How are we gonna do that?
Easy. Who knows what drives our parents crazy better than we do?
Helen!
- Hey, I wanna do it! - I wanna do it!
Washington, this is soldiers' morning update.
This morning...
Sports talk 640 and the Patriots are going for a three.
Oh, no, no.
Guys, where are the baby greens?
It looks like Frank did some shopping.
What is that smell? My God.
- That's barbaric. - Is that a liver?
Well, shall we get some tea?
That would be lovely.
I love tea in the afternoon.
I love tea, but we have to boil it.
Helen!
Atten-hut!
Right shoulder arms!
Right face!
Forward arms!
- Ready! - Looking good, men.
- Don't they? - Ready!
- Fire! Ready! Fire! - Frank.
- Fix bayonets! - Frank!
- What if he brings his hammer? - There is no hammer.
But maybe we're kind of crossing the line.
And I don't feel right about endangering the little kids.
Trust me, they're biologically protected by the cuteness factor.
This is gonna be good.
You like it?
- Stop! - Isn't it pretty?
That was very naughty.
What's happening?
Boys, I don't think that was a good idea, do you?
- No. - No.
But that was very important to your father...
so you need to say you're sorry.
- Sorry. - Sorry.
Okay, now go on and play.
Whoa, whoa! That's it? "Go play"?
Well, they're four years old, Frank. What else is there? The hammer?
- There are other... - A spanking?
No, honey, of course not. We don't spank our children.
The Admiral does.
Occasionally, a little pat on the butt sends a clear message.
- Well, you're not spanking my children. - I thought they were our children.
You're not spanking our children.
Okay, fine.
Let's just let them all run naked and wild.
- Yay! - Yay!
Do you think it's working?
- Does that answer your question? - Yes!
The committee was very impressed, Frank. Nice job.
I take my work very seriously, sir.
And don't think that the brass hasn't noticed.
- The brass, sir? - I'm the brass, and I've noticed.
I just don't like giving direct compliments.
Something about it feels unmanly.
- Well, thank you. - Oh, what the hell.
Goldarn, I'm proud of you, Frank.
You deserve everything you're about to get.
- Helen? - Yeah.
We got Saks.
What?
- We got Saks. - Oh, Max!
I got Saks! I got Saks.
Thank you! I can't believe it, Max!
Yeah, but don't get too excited.
They wanna see a dozen new designs by Friday.
By Friday?
Oh, I'm excited and scared, all at the same time.
No, you can do it. At least now you got Frank to lean on.
Yeah, yeah. I guess.
Well, I better get going. I got a lot to do.
Do you like these better?
- Okay. Well, then I think you're set. - Thank you.
Love you.
- Sorry about the chalkboard, Admiral. - It's all right, sailor.
Hey.
Why don't you just kiss her and make up?
Mrs. Munion isn't so bad.
You're not getting any younger.
- Can we please have some privacy? - All right. I'm off.
- I'm sorry about what happened. - Me, too.
So, how'd your meeting go?
Did he mention anything about the promotion?
No, not really. It's...
That's just a pipe dream, anyway.
- Is it? - You're not getting rid of me that easily.
- How was your day? - Oh, my day.
Well, let's see.
I ate and I worked a little bit...
and I made a giant deal with Saks Fifth Avenue.
- You did not! - I did, too.
That's great news. Oh, that's fantastic.
- I'm so proud of you. - I couldn't wait to tell you.
Great. Well, how could I help you?
- What can I do around here to help you? - I'm set.
- You need help organizing the studio? - No, no. The studio is organized.
Of course it is, yeah. Well, I'll think of something.
Guys, guys! Listen up!
Your mom is going to be very busy over the next couple of days...
so I want everyone on their best behavior.
- That's an order. - We're always on our best behavior, sir.
- Ethan! - Get away...
- from Mrs. Munion. - Aldo! Excuse us! Boys!
I guess we'll be doing a little extra cleaning, too.
- Ethan, this way. - Come back.
Right. As you were.
This way!
Cleaning, huh?
Grab the other guys. I know just where to start.
Bright colors. Permanent press.
Whites.
Excuse me.
- It's still wet. - Socks.
Michael, is there something you forgot?
Shut up.
That's mine.
Oh, my gosh. That was so sick.
- Did you do it? - Yeah.
Kids!
I just don't understand. Where are my velvet, blue buttons?
You know what? Why would anybody do this?
- But it's clean. - No, honey, I can't work with clean.
I have a deadline. Oh, my God, I'll never be able to find anything.
My Ultrasuede used to be here, right beneath the blue fur.
Do you remember that?
- Where's my fake alligator skin? - We thought we'd surprise you.
Yeah, we thought that you'd like it.
The Admiral always does say, "A clean ship is a happy ship."
Hey. Wow!
This place is shipshape.
Well, you just had to, Frank, didn't you?
- Excuse me? - You know, Frank...
I understand your pathological need to organize the rest of the house...
but this is my space.
I need just a little bit of respect. You're killing me, Frank.
Did I miss something?
Yes.
Don't you think you're overreacting just a little?
Me? You know what? Never mind, Frank.
You know, you were gonna spank the boys...
over wrecking your silly organizational chart...
but I'm not allowed to be upset about my studio.
I was not going to spank them. And charts are not silly.
Do you know what happens to a ship in chaos? It sinks.
Homes are for free expression, not for good impressions.
Well, I'm sorry, but in the military, there's little room for free expression.
Except for that we're not in the military, Frank. You are.
I just thought that you would work better in a clean studio.
I knew it! I knew you put them up to it.
I most certainly did not!
No, maybe not directly, but in that whole orderly, military...
regimented brainwashing thing.
- You left out anal-retentive. - Oh, and that, too.
Is that what you think?
Yes, that's what I think.
Then I think that I'm sleeping somewhere else.
I'm gonna fix that.
Officer asleep.
Go, Kelly!
Be, be aggressive! Be aggressive!
Be, be aggressive!
Be aggressive!
Now put your hands up in the air and wave them like you just don't care
And if you think that Kelly is the best let me hear you say, "Oh, yeah!"
Oh, yeah!
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah!
Go, Kelly. Go, Kelly The other team is
Smelly
- They're quaking like they're - Jelly!
- We got sisters from - New Delhi!
- Go, Kelly! - Go, Kelly!
The other team is smelly!
They're quaking like they're jelly!
We got sisters from New Delhi!
Go, Kelly!
Okay, phase two.
I think that we just need one more big thing to push them over the edge.
Have them catch you and Phoebe together?
You're really sick.
Okay, then have them catch you and Phoebe together.
How about they catch me with my hands around your neck?
Listen, the Commandant's coming this weekend.
They have to go to the trustees' dinner, and Mrs. Munion has the weekend off.
Two words, "par" and "ty."
- Party. - Yeah, I got that.
No, it's a perfect idea, because Mom won't care and Frank's gonna hate it.
You guys ready? Let's get to work.
Oh, no, I can't!
I still have to make, like, a million of these posters for the election!
Yeah, for what, the class of '59?
You couldn't get elected hall monitor with this. Here.
Imagine this in a three-color spray paint.
Nice. And I know some great campaign workers.
William Beardsley for president, okay?
Vote for William Beardsley! Vote William Beardsley!
Hey, Brad. Vote William Beardsley. Great guy.
Okay.
What?
Thank you.
Thank you. William Beardsley for president.
Vote for Beardsley.
Vote for Will! Vote for Will!
- Here you go! - Thanks.
This could actually help get me elected.
Yeah. Somebody might actually think you're cool...
if they didn't know you.
That's funny.
We'll be home after midnight.
Make sure the kids don't stay up too late.
Have fun at the trustee dinner.
- Ready? - Yeah. One minute.
Are you timing me?
- No. - No. Okay.
- Hey, Mom. - Yeah, honey.
William and I were wondering if we could have a couple friends over.
You know, after we put the little kids to sleep?
Unbelievable.
Can we, Mom?
Yeah, sweetheart. You have a good time. Okay, honey?
- Thanks. You, too. - All right, sweetheart.
She went for it. So, where are the little kids?
I got them covered.
Root beer chug!
Ladies and gentlemen...
first of all, I wanna thank Admiral Beardsley and his wife Helen...
for this wonderful evening.
Frank, you run a tight ship.
You ought to see me on the water.
That's why, tonight, I'm gonna offer my recommendation...
that Admiral Frank Beardsley...
be my successor as Commandant.
You know, Frank, being Commandant, you'll be at sea...
wishing that you were home.
Or you'll be in Washington, wishing that you were at sea!
Let's all stand and applaud...
Commandant Frank Beardsley.
Thank you, Commandant Sherman.
I know that...
this command is an incredible opportunity...
and a great honor.
But I've just started here at the Academy...
and it would not be fair to my cadets...
nor would it be fair to my new family...
who just about outnumber the cadets.
And so, sir...
I must respectfully decline.
And I hope that you know how honored I am.
Think you might reconsider? You wanna sleep on it?
No, sir, I'm sure. Thank you.
I'll do it.
Get a load of this guy.
You wanna sleep on it. I understand.
All the girls and the boys and people making noises, let me hear you shout
Bring them out, bring them out
Pump up your fists in a twist like this till the lights go out
Bring them out, bring them out
Wake up, I'm calling you up I need a ride
We're gonna shake up So hurry it up, no wasting time
- What's going on, baby? - What are you doing?
Oh, don't worry. Look, I'm making the money...
but I'm gonna split it with everybody, minus a 10% service fee.
Maybe with some other friends of mine
Someone's coming round to pick him up
Right now I want the girls and the boys and people making noise
Let me hear you shout
What is this? I didn't order any beer.
Don't look at me. I just wanted to break our parents up, not go to jail!
Yeah, I don't know why I even try
- I didn't order pizza. - Well, somebody did.
And somebody owes me $379, plus tip.
- $379? - Plus tip.
I'll be right back.
Gross.
Yo, Christina. Cool party.
Hey, Nick.
Phoebe's out trying to raise money for pizza.
- Maybe I came to see you. - Me?
Wow. I can't believe you're really into me.
You're hot. Why wouldn't I be?
I don't know. Maybe because...
Phoebe is my sister.
- Hey, Phoebe. - Get lost, loser.
- Look, I'm really sorry. - No, no, I'm so sorry.
Let's promise never to let boys come between us again.
Yeah, like that's really gonna happen.
Come on.
Oh, no.
Yo, what's up, dude?
Let's just take a deep breath, Frank.
Yo, B, nice hat.
Ahoy, matey.
Oh, boy.
- Jimi, I've been looking all over for... - There you go.
Phoebe!
- Hi. - What is going on here?
Mom said that we could have some people over.
- You agreed to this? - No.
Phoebe, I said you could have a few friends over.
I did not agree to this.
Where's everybody else? Where are the little kids?
Need more chocolate.
Would everyone who lives here please raise your hand?
Anyone else remaining here after five minutes...
will be forcibly conscripted into the United States Coast Guard.
Sir, there is the matter of $379, plus...
Kitchen!
All right, everybody fall in!
I said, "Fall in!"
Dylan, Phoebe, I am very disappointed in both of you.
Disappointed? Is that what you are, Helen?
Disappointed?
- William, Christina, front and center. - Frank, take it easy.
No, Helen.
There has been enough taking it easy around here. That clearly doesn't work.
I should have never gone against my better judgment.
This is why we have rules.
Do you hear yourself? Because it's not all about rules.
You sound like some military robot, Frank!
Yeah? Well, you sound like a big Free To Be You and Me flake.
You have one hour to get this place cleaned up.
There is nothing wrong with having rules.
Everybody lives by them. The entire universe lives by them.
Well, then, Frank, that's the last thing these kids need from me.
There's only one rule I know, and that's...
"At any time, all of this could be over, taken away from you forever."
And then who needs more rules after that?
I can't live like this anymore, Frank, and neither can my kids.
I don't know how yours do it.
My kids got along just fine until we moved in together.
- Everything was shipshape. - Oh, Frank.
It's obvious that we got into this way too fast.
I thought we could just pick up where we left off in high school.
But maybe that's a lot longer ago than we both realized.
Maybe it was.
Hey, you know what, Frank?
I think you should take that job.
- I told you, I don't want to take the... - No, just come on!
We both know what your better judgment is telling you, okay?
You know what? Just please go. Just go.
Does this mean you're not going to be my brother anymore?
I don't know.
Let's get this party started. Who wants a double-stuffed?
Helen cried herself to sleep tonight.
We should be ashamed. It's all our fault.
Yeah. My mom was happier with your dorky dad than I've seen her in years.
And we totally screwed it up.
But this is what we wanted, remember? Two separate families.
Yeah, but I didn't know it would feel like this.
Yeah.
- Hello? - Hi.
It's me.
Hi.
I've been thinking a lot about what you said...
and I...
I think maybe I will take that job.
Well...
you know, Frank, we have to talk to the kids.
I'll tell them.
Okay.
Well, I'll see you.
Goodbye.
Hey, look who it is. It's the freaks.
Yeah, why don't you go home to your shoe?
- Shut up! - Did you just tell him to shut up?
Is there a problem, punk?
What's it to you?
You mess with my brothers, you mess with me.
- Sure. - And me.
- And me.
And me.
It's all good.
Otter, are these the kids that have a problem with big families?
- They say we share our underpants. - That's just ignorance.
And do you know how to stop ignorance?
- Education? - Close.
Butt-whupping.
- Let's go! - Come on!
Hey, what's going on, guys?
Just some kids messing with our little brothers.
- But we handled it. - Family style!
William! You won the election!
Does this mean that you move to the White House?
- Way to go, Willie. - Couldn't have done it without you, Bro.
Dad, guess what happened today at school?
Hey, I wanna tell him.
Have you ever heard yourself tell a story?
You have a tendency of rambling.
Okay, listen up, guys!
I have something important to say.
- We're leaving? - What? No.
Do we have to leave?
Look, just 'cause you and Mom had a little fight...
- that's no reason... - It was a big fight.
This whole thing is our fault.
We tried to make all of you live with people...
that you have nothing in common with...
and that was self-centered of us.
It was pigheaded.
And I'd like to talk about this more...
but my ship sails in a half-hour.
Where are you going?
I have to visit all the commands on the East Coast...
to prep for my new job.
So let's lose the long faces.
Now, if you ever need anything, that means all of you North kids...
you just call me. I'll be there. Got it?
Bye, Frank.
William, you know the routine.
Mrs. Munion will bring you down to Washington once I get us set up.
- But you can't go. - Come on, Dad.
- Please! - Please.
Listen.
I promise everything will be exactly as it was before.
This is our last move.
I have to go.
You're not gonna tell him you won Class President?
- Doesn't matter anymore. - What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna pack and we're gonna move, just like every other time.
So that's it? We're just gonna give in and let this happen?
- You know the drill, Christina. - William, wait! Wait!
- What? - Please...
I don't wanna lose another mommy.
He's right.
Well, then I guess we better stop that boat.
- Yay! - Yay!
Kelly! Some of you guys should stay here and wait for Mom.
- Got it. - All right, as for the rest of us...
let's do this.
Ship's company! Atten-hut!
I know how to cheer Mom up.
Let's put her room back to the way she likes it.
- Yeah! - Let's do it!
Lau!
Help!
Mrs. Munion!
- Oh, my God! - Mrs. Munion!
Help!
Hold on! Hold on!
Surprise!
Mrs. Munion, what is going on?
I was just vacuuming up a storm and...
Where is everybody? Where are the big kids?
They all went to go stop Dad.
And we stayed here to mess the place up...
because you were so mad when we cleaned it up.
We changed our minds about the plan to break you up.
We like living together.
You planned to break us up?
- Oh? Come on, kids. Come on. - No, Mom.
- What? We have to go. - Remember the old you?
Spanking is never the answer.
No, honey, no spanking. Come on, kids. I know what we need to do.
- Commandant on the bridge. - Welcome aboard, sir.
- Happy to be aboard. - Thank you, sir.
Admiral, we've cleared the seaboard. We're ready to pick up full speed.
Ask Admiral Beardsley. Soon it's all gonna be his.
Frank, you give the orders.
Awaiting your command, Admiral.
- All stop! - All stop, aye!
Now what?
It's my kids.
- Drop the sail. - Yes, sir, Captain.
- Secure those lines. - Securing lines.
- Prepare to come alongside. - Aye, aye, sir.
- What are you doing here? - Stopping you!
Dad, we have a confession.
We were behind everything, all the fights.
We tried to break you and Mom up...
so we could go back to the way things were.
We made a huge mistake.
And we realize that we should all be a family.
- Come on, Dad! Come on home. - We need to be together!
- Come on, Dad, let's go home! - We need you.
I'm sorry, guys. It's already too late.
Your mom is really...
My beautiful lighthouse keeper.
I'm sorry.
I am, too.
- This is where I belong. - Yeah.
And I think my kids agree.
- Yeah! - Your kids?
Our kids.
- Will you marry me again? - Yeah.
Only this time, the right way.
Hi.
- You know what we need? - What?
Group hug!
- Hi, you've reached Frank. - Helen.
- Harry. - Jimi.
- Marisa. - Bina.
- Naoko. - Michael.
- Aldo. - Dylan.
- Joni. - Phoebe.
- William. - Otter.
- Ely. - Christina.
- Ethan. - Mick.
- Lau. - Kelly.
- Leave your message at the beep. - Yeah!