[Music]
hello everybody happy Wednesday I want
to welcome to the show and old friends
somebody haven't seen in a while and I'm
so excited that she's here
Brett Rossi I'll clap because you know
there's nobody else how are you
everybody at home is listening is
clapping okay good I'm I'm great I'm
here you are you been planning this
forever I know we've been trying and yes
we have but we're both pretty big yeah
but I'm actually gonna see you next week
- did you know that wait because we're
shooting yeah oh yeah it's like on a
Friday yeah we're paying for Naughty
America yeah when I saw that I was like
and you asked who I wanted to work with
I was like oh this is a great day I get
a pick I'm gonna pick my penis I'm big
on that like I always especially when
I'm shooting for myself my own so I
always ask the girls today I want to
work with because I want to put you with
somebody that you like yeah I want you
guys to have a good chemistry I think
that's the most important thing and not
America's pretty liberal about like
letting me pick kind of who I want I
have to run everybody pass them right
they give me a lot of creative freedom
which I really like that's nice I don't
get that a lot these days so I
appreciate it
welcome to the other side I know I
actually got to write my own scripts
I got final draft very exciting that's
fast Anna and I wrote my own scripts for
the last two scenes that I shot for them
it was really funny because so like a
lot of I'm sure that my point yet like
were they like you're gonna win an award
for this yeah well I kept saying that
but I always say that because I'm full
of shit but no they weren't they but
they were funny I thought I was trying
to make them humorous yeah and um but it
was funny because you know a lot of
times when I'm shooting scripts like
everyone else that's always like oh my
god this is so stupid who wrote this
shit you know like everyone always says
that yeah we always hear everybody does
the performers so I warned everyone
before we got to set him like okay
everyone I wrote these scripts so you
can't make fun of them nobody gets to go
who wrote the script that's just stupid
I fucking wrote it so everyone you all
have to love the script and talk about
how great I feel like whoever's
the scripts I really think they still
live in their mom's basement a lot of
them some of that a lot of them too yeah
well I don't know about that but I get
the feeling that many of them have never
been in a production set before and it's
difficult when you have somebody all the
way many many thousands of miles away
writing a script country in a different
country writing a script for you just
basically because they don't understand
the logistics at the location that
you're shooting at work even like the
production and and in general how it
yeah war isn't necessarily their fault
but like I find when I'm writing my own
script and I know where I'm shooting
like I know the angles I can get I know
what's feasible there so I can write the
script around what I've got available to
me it just makes it like so much fucking
easier yeah which is really instead of
like okay we're gonna start the scene
with your hair wet then it's gonna be
dry then it's gonna be wet again and
then it's gonna be dry again yeah well I
had to do that the most ridiculous scene
for twisties a couple of weeks ago
twisties which by the way I was one of
the very first contract girls you were
throw that out there with Emily Addison
and Taylor vixen yep my contract sisters
were the og twist his contract and
Taylor vixen what that was when Taylor
vixen was my roommate oh really
she was your room who's not roommate
that girl was the loudest Walker I've
ever met in my life
I walked pretty loud no no like she
would come home like it was funny okay
so she's got like sighs five feet and
she's like this little girl she would
cause she's like - she liked to party so
she'd be out and then she'd come and I
go - really all three of us like to
party oh you guys are young beautiful
women together and I'm like an old fart
and I go to bed early and this is when I
was married and so my husband and I
would be sleeping and she would come
home at like 2:00 in the morning and I
swear to god it sounded like she was
purposely stomping like stomping up the
stairs stomping to her room and I was
like this girl is tiny like how is she's
so loud and even I we even had a guest
stay over who said the same thing she's
like did you ever make purple walk
really really
loudly and I have all wood floors no
idea she was your roommate that yeah cuz
I always picked you to do the shooting
mm-hmm
yeah they'd be like who do you want
Tammy or Halle and I'm like sorry I'm
kind of partial than Polly nothing
against Tammy it's just you well we've
known each other yeah I wrote you a long
long love letter okay so when Brett and
I first sort of met she sent me this
email and she sent me I wish I still had
it and she said I probably do photos of
herself and she'd be like the crux of it
was hey I really want to do this I think
I have the potential I just need
somebody to give me a chance and there
was something in your email that
reminded me of myself yeah that's what
you said yeah I'd like I could see the
ambition I could see that you were
serious about what you were saying and I
was like yeah sure why don't you come
over to the ranch we'll shoot like one
set and you know senator shooting
Madison I was maybe that when she was
blond yeah when she was still fairly new
mm-hmm and I shot a half day on medicine
and then I shot one set on you and then
I sent it to around to a couple of
magazines and like everybody bought it
yeah I was like one of my most
successful selling sets that I've ever
shot that that right after that was then
when I became this Howard Stern and then
a Playboy Cyber Girl and then Penthouse
Pet and then everything just kind of
spiraled after that yeah
and now here you are her big superstar
that's like eight and I want to be
offset by three I'm Carol I totally get
it like these people who pull these all
I like I hate night shoots oh my god I
hate night shoots too it's like in my
like what do they call those contracts
like you know and when you're like this
big headliner and they have like their
things that they want like I want green
and they don't like stipulations yeah
it's like a stipulation of mine I'm like
I don't do night shoes yeah unless it's
like if it's like a feature then I
understand
but if it's just a fucking scene no one
cares just make it look like it's dark
please yeah cuz I go to bed I'm in my
jammies by like 8:00 yeah I'm in bed
sleeping by 9:00 yeah I went to bed
yesterday at 8:45 yeah but well I tried
to go to bed 8:45 but then I got woken
up in the middle of the night my
brother's dog where he's out of town so
we're taking care of his dog and we put
him in my bedroom because he fucking
barks at everything
woke up in the middle night he'd shit
all over the fucking bedroom like diary
shit and the smell woke you up didn't ya
I got that's the worse when that
happened so my boyfriend and I had to
like carry the bed let's try everywhere
and dog tracked it on like the carpet
we'd like clean the carpet it was like
3:00 in the morning I was just having
this conversation the other day I would
literally have no problem using my bare
hand to pick up horse shit
yeah but dog poop totally it is a whole
different ball game I like the smell of
horse shit because lot actually reminds
me of my childhood because I rode horses
that well I mean their diet is
completely did it's just so grass yeah
and like some mush pellets like I mean
it's probably like what do you think
like Nicole Aniston's poop smells really
good probably I mean I'm vegetarian in
my shit stinks I don't know what's wrong
with me I mean I guess I'm just like
rotten inside I don't know but I mean
because I still eat dairy and I'm
lactose intolerant so I yeah it's kind
of same I think like we're all elect
Osen tolerant but like it's really hard
to give up but I mean like my shit
sometimes I'm like did something crawl
up there and die like I don't understand
it it's not sexy to talk about but I
don't really even care man me and my
boyfriend like still don't acknowledge
that the other one like poops we have
separate family yeah I uh with the door
open and like talk to people I've been
like that since I was a kid I talk to
people with the door open I poop with
the door open I don't even care like
contractors are here or at my house
right now because we're getting our
master bathroom remodeled I just shit
with the door wide open I don't even
care they like walk
by the way I don't care like I get
claustrophobic in the bathroom and I get
lonely like I want to talk to people
like the phone isn't enough I get lonely
you don't get lonely like Hello
no I don't I don't get lonely it's like
the only time I have to myself I yeah I
get lonely so I don't know how to had a
segue from the poop talk to this but I
do want to talk that you were just
crowned a vixen angel yeah I was which
is it was very exciting it was exciting
and the story is very similar okay you I
don't know why so I've known Greg Greg
shot like my first real scene my first
like girl girl scene for reality yeah
for reality things with Sammy Rhodes and
Kirsten price now I remember I was like
so nervous and they just like ravaged me
and it was a lot of fun but I was like
so intimidated by Greg right and because
Greg and I are very similar and the fact
that we're both like perfectionist
mm-hmm
I have OCD and I'm a little off the wall
so I don't really know like what he is
but maybe here I'd like to think maybe
is but the point is a few I'd say months
ago I was in Vegas and I was working the
exotic dancer convention and I was like
you know what they had named like the
new vixen Ange or whatever and I was
like how come I'm not a vixen angel
mm-hmm what the fuck you've been pretty
much everything else that I was like why
am I gonna vixen angel I was feeling a
little like down yeah I know and like
I've given in my first IR my first anal
and like you know he's pretty much shot
all my firsts and so I wrote him this
long text message I didn't I didn't have
his email or else I would have written
him an email
and I even said that in the text I was
like hey by the way I saw her
I don't have your email mm-hmm I wrote
him this long thing and I said this is
why I think you should make me a vixen
angel and he was so excited that I wrote
him and he told everyone like his whole
company when I got named when I when we
did like the actual ceremony everyone
came up to me and they're like here your
letter to him was so touching and blah
blah blah I'm like oh that was kind of
Oh everyone saw this okay so we're gonna
just tell everyone that I asked all
right well yes I asked so um yeah I just
I just felt like you know what if I I've
always been that way if I want something
I'm gonna just go for it and ask I mean
what's the worst they can say no yeah
I've been told now a million times and
it's like really embarrassing but you
know and I was really excited he said
yes and it was it was really cool
because I feel like his brand I know a
lot of people have like their own
personal opinions of him and his brand
whatever I don't really yeah right catch
on to that but you know I don't really
care I care about my brand yeah and so I
feel like his brand it since I was a
contract girl basically my whole career
now I'm not and I haven't been for a
while I feel like his brand kind of is
parallel with my brand and and they're
very much alike in the classiness and
you know the glamour and and that's kind
of where I've been struggling with my
career is the fact that I'm stuck in
this like contract glamour girl world
that hasn't existed that because it's so
hard it's so expensive to shoot the kind
of stuff that we want to shoot and
greg's see people that has the money to
do it right he's incredibly talented I
mean right there's no denying it stuff's
beautiful I mean don't get me wrong I
wish that like he would let me do some
big hair and you know smoke but besides
that I mean everything when you're on
set with him it feels like the old days
and I feel almost at home yeah so I
that's
why I wanted to become a vixen angel
because I wanted to be a part of
something because I lately I yeah
because you're not gonna get that kind
of treatment no no and lately I've been
really struggling with the fact that
I've come to a point in my career where
it's I I have enough confidence to say
it's it's kind of uh it's kind of
plateaued and that's not bad but it took
me a long time to understand that it
wasn't bad because I'm one of those
people were if I'm not doing something
then I feel like I'm failing and also
our culture kind of pushes and breeds
that and social yeah and you see like
everybody's doing a million things
mm-hmm you feel like that's how I feel I
go on social media to compare myself
everybody well and I I struggle with I'm
actually bipolar so I struggle with my
own personal issue so when I see social
media it's like a constant I have to
look like this I have to feel like this
I have to be this person I have to be
this image and and you know I have to
compete so it's really hard to not get
wrapped up in that and um you know I can
preach it all day long but I do I get
wrapped up in it sometimes because I
feel like I wish I was vain enough to
sit there like we were talking about
earlier and taking pictures of myself
constantly and living on my social media
I went through some things in the past
with with tabloids and really invading
my privacy to the fact to the point
where a lot of girls have the ability to
go and be Jane Doe you know they're this
person this is their porn persona in
their image and then when they go home
they're Jane Doe nobody knows who they
are right whereas Brent Rossi and Scott
teen Ross are the same people yeah
because of my past you know decisions
and tabloids and just that whole
lifestyle that I lived which you know
I'm not regretting it or bashing it but
there are repercussions
that a lot of girls they strive to be
famous or well-known or you know they
want to be there their name and lights
but they don't understand that the
repercussions of that is you will always
be a porn star it doesn't matter what
you do and it sucks
ya sucks yeah I mean I've done comedy
I've done TV shows I've done this I've
done that but no matter what at the end
of the day I'm always the porn star yeah
so I struggled a lot in the last few
years with not having that ability they
like shut it off and and have my private
life so because of that I've become
super recluse and super private right
which is like totally opposite the
person they used to be right yeah cuz
you've seen like the other side of it
mm-hmm yeah people everybody wants to
vote and be famous but they don't you
know understand what it takes to get
there and what the other side of that of
the I'm is and they in it it really it's
really hard when you do have a mental
you know disorder because you're
constantly told you're somebody when
you're not that person that if that
makes sense
you're constantly reading about who the
person that they've created so the
tabloids I am my experience I feel like
they create this person that they they
think you are this persona you have no
choice over it either they like you or
they don't right and if you're important
they're not gonna like you no matter
what it doesn't matter if you know you
rescued a sinking ship with a bunch of
children on it like they're no matter
what you'll say porn stars right right
children and and it takes a lot to
really step back and get your mind in
order or else it eats you alive yeah I
mean you guys yeah I mean that's the
thing you know with being I mean a porn
star and especially with the Internet
you know once you put yourself out there
there's no taking that back now and then
the world just sees you through one lens
which totally sucks because I mean I
know so many girls who are
multi-dimensional and multifaceted like
with me I do voiceover work I do comedy
I do acting I you know do this and this
and this and that and no matter what I'm
just
Brett Rossi the porn star yeah and you
have to really become comfortable with
that I don't even know how we got on
this topic but yeah we went on a tangent
tangent but it's a great tangent this is
a great tangent and that's honestly like
part of the reason that I wanted to
start this podcast was to give people
like you a voice and and so that the
listeners could hear that you're like a
human being with hopes and dreams right
you're not just a porn star and you have
you know a separate life in a separate
persona and and the feedback actually
I've gotten from a lot of my listeners
has been really great that people really
like that they're discovering who these
people are as people and it's check I
had quite a few people tell me it's
completely changed their opinion on the
industry and you know on certain girls
and all that so it's been it's been
great I mean cuz I know you guys as that
you know I'll personally soon right know
like for some reason with me I don't
know what it is but people get it so
twisted in regards to who I am when
people meet me it's so funny they'll the
first thing they say to me is oh my gosh
I thought you were gonna be like this
cracked-out drugged-out mess and I'm
like what possibly I don't understand
what behaviors I've ever done to make
you think that I've never been I've
never publicly done anything that was so
irrational that it made somebody think
that I possibly had a drug problem or I
was cracked out and crazy and so they
meet me and they realize oh wow you're
actually like a really down-to-earth
normal
person right I mean I like to play with
my ponies and decorate my house like I'm
a very boring person so whenever I do
interviews they're like so what do you
do for fun and I'm like I am the most
boring person ever and I love it yeah I
know I feel the same way I'm the same
like I'm so happy if I can spend a
weekend like cleaning the house and like
catching up on work yeah that's like to
meet like that's like relaxing to me
because I'm just so task oriented yeah
anything where I can disconnect from
reality right is the most comforting and
the place that I find the most solace
from because I mean a great example my
husband I went looking at houses a few
months ago and it was so awkward because
somebody came up to me and they said oh
my god you're Brent Rossi and they're
with their family and we're looking at
houses and I'm clearly with a man yeah
you don't know who this man is like and
you're this weird stranger coming up to
me and saying this and you know it would
be different if I was like this actress
on a bunch of movies like television
shows or whatnot but we all know why
you're a fan right May right so it
there's there's borders and and you know
it's a little bit different when people
come up to us porn stars and say oh it's
so great to meet you like when you're on
an airplane someone yells your name it's
very uncomfortable because then people
are like oh well who's that wait Brent
Rossi who's that and then they google
and then it's like a whole awkward plane
ride or walk you ever get a car sitting
next to you who's yes I have and I've
also gotten you know the can we have a
picture and I mean I'm sorry but if I'm
traveling and my hair is in a bun and
I've had a terrible flight day I say now
sometimes you know I say that's sorry
yeah I have no problem signing something
but I just there's a line and some
people are much more open and cool about
it but I've had my privacy invaded so
much
you know I've become that kind of
recluse super antisocial person I'm like
the weirdest person I'm super friendly
super talkative but I'm actually very
shy which is totally opposite of who I
want to say even five years ago right
right right
so well I always remember you as the
girl who came to my birthday and
actually brought me a cake when when my
family I forgot to bring me a birthday
cake but the long candle yeah that's
like what what are those like stem it's
like a stem um no they're cough uh k--
why am i spacing on what they're called
yeah the long tall candle the long Tong
candles and nobody had birthday and your
mom like asks me like like I was the one
in charge of you hanging everything up
the candles
yeah and I was like it's my birthday of
course I have a cake fuck yeah wrong
with you people
it was amazing and then like the slices
I was like okay well this is this was
meant just for Holly so we're gonna have
to like you know I feel like we bonded
over our love of sugar because you also
love doughnuts oh my gosh I'm obsessed
with doughnuts I'm so obsessed with
doughnuts that everywhere I go I have to
try like a different doughnut shop
how are you so skinny if you like
doughnut so much because I work out like
a crazy person and I'm actually very
healthy eater
I started having stomach problems a few
years ago and I got this I I literally
started like I had really bad stomach
problems I always felt sick I was
getting really bad eczema on my face and
on my body every time I would eat meat
and so I went to this allergy specialist
and I took this test and he basically
told me everything I was a larger - and
I found out I was allergic to meat mmm
so I cut out me and I cut out everything
I was allergic to and so I mean what
would you have done doughnuts
well technically gluten is part of you
know one of my sensitivities so there's
like a Richter scale like how allergic
you are to things and you know I'm a fan
of playing Russian roulette with my life
that's not a secret
I mean come on I've made some pretty
interesting decisions in my life I still
do it like a great example I'm allergic
to Lobster and I was at sapphires in New
York are you learning to shellfish or
just lobster just Lobster it's weird
I can have crab but I can't have lobster
I can have shrimp but I can't have
prawns I thought they were the same
thing no I don't know there's something
about them that's different I don't know
it's so weird like I thought crab and
lobster were like pretty much the same
yeah so I'm at sapphires in New York and
I'm really hungry and there they bring
out like all this food and they're like
oh this is our lobster mac and cheese
well knowing damn well I'm allergic to
Lobster like bad allergic I was like
take a little sample so I took a sample
next thing I know I've got hives all
over me oh my I have to go onstage and I
look like I have chicken pox it's just
all over the place and so how did that
go
it sucked I have no self-control
sometimes I mean I pretty much just
accepted that about me I think you know
I think this we grow older we start to
like I think one of the greatest things
is accepting your shortcomings right
like I've accepted the fact that I just
will not work push myself working out on
my own I have to take a class and I've
to have a trainer I have to have someone
yelling at me because I'll just we'll
come up with a thousand excuses not to
not to finish like this morning I went
and worked out and I took a class and
halfway through I was like thinking of
excuses to leave haha I mean I do it all
the time I won't leave in the middle of
a class but I usually won't but I'll
start my head start telling me to do IQ
you should get home early and shower you
got a lot of stuff to do before this
podcast you know you're you just started
your period you're not feeling that
great but then I'm glad I pushed myself
through it right fuck I hate exercise I
fucking hate it you know I hate
I hate it but I do it I have to do it
because my mind is like constantly so go
go go go
I literally if somebody could open up my
brain they would be like what is wrong
with this lady I think about so many
things that don't even like doesn't even
matter like I'm already stressed out
about Christmas shopping oh my god I am
too because I like to get it done I'm
like oh my god
oh my god and then I gotta get this this
Christmas present but if I buy it right
now then I might lose it but then I
could hide it where I could find it like
I literally and one of those people I
overthink everything
I totally like bought people Christmas
presents and then put it away and then
forgot I bought it and I bought them
something else close to Christmas well
get this last year I was gonna make
Kayden Kross a blanket for Christmas
because she's one of my best friends
yeah and I was cleaning out my cot so I
totally forgot about that present right
like a fuck that I was cleaning out my
closet like my storage closet a few
weeks ago and I found all the stuff to
make the blanket and I was like oh
here's the blanket I never gave her and
then I ended up just like using it for
something else I made like I made like a
ferret blanket like so and like I have
like a farm I do I've got a ferret named
Frank a rabbit named Colin first ink No
so they're kinda like they're they're
related they're they're not rodents
they're related to the feline species so
they're like cats if you don't clean out
their cages or or there's somebody hood
fair smells yeah if you don't they
definitely have a skunky scent to them
if you don't wash them the main thing is
their bedding their blankets and then
he's litter trained Frank so like you
just clean out his litter box and call
it a day but I have a rabbit named Colin
he comes when he's called he's so
amazing and then I have three dogs two
horses do you've his same dogs that you
had before yeah
Charles Samson and tiny yeah I was gonna
say I remember tiny cuz it's so tiny and
like one of them is a lab right
yeah and then the other ones like a
Pommery yeah Charles Charles is a dick
yes very much
he P he got kicked out of like doggy day
camp cuz he pisses on everyone so I had
to like you know some people like pill
shot or like doctor shot for pills I had
to like bootcamp shop or like for my dog
because he kept getting kicked out of
like all the camps for peeing on other
dogs so I finally found one and you know
I just told him straight up I'm like
look my dog super cool but he's gonna
pee on everyone yeah they're like okay
he's not like the grass up I'm like no
he just wants to pee he's just a dick
you know so so yeah any barks at
everything and everyone and it's so
funny because I live in this gated
community and they're like super strict
like you know with security like or your
dogs barking so they'll call and I'm
like not even home I'm like in a
different state oh my dogs not even home
when my dogs really like in the backyard
barking mm-hmm I just lie and say my
dogs not home cuz I kept getting tickets
I kept getting fines yeah I didn't know
that they did that for dogs yeah I mean
my neighborhood is kind of bougie and
yes so I don't know but I'm gonna
fucking find the neighbor that's
tattling on me
yeah they're probably just jealous cuz
my house is like the best house for
Halloween and Christmas dude so there's
this like pumpkin lady she's called the
pumpkin lady and she lives like three
houses down okay on the corner house and
every year she has like 1500 plus
pumpkins 1500 I swear to you I could
show you photos okay and she like puts
them up on like these little like stage
things and like everyone comes and
gathers around and whatever so when I
first moved into this neighborhood I was
like oh hell no I was like this lady is
not gonna beat me in the decoration
category so I tell my husband I'm like
look you're not in the holidays but get
the fuck over it because I am so we go
and we like make this like haunted
graveyard and we go all out and kids are
like lined up to like get
Mira mustn't take pictures for less so
now it's become like a tradition every
year like we're at the house that like
does all out well last year every year
we do like a theme and last year the
neighbors across the street copied us ah
they never decorate ever and last year
they copied us and I was so fucking mad
like I'm getting mad just thinking about
it
I was like I was like I was like fuck
this we're never decorating before
because we want it to be a surprise so
this year our theme is we're doing a
haunted like cornfield I bought all
these corn stalks and we're gonna like
put them in our front yard and like we
haven't done it yet no so we wait until
the 29th but then you know and then we
start production and it is a production
that was good to enjoy so I put a basic
decoration I put up basic decorations so
it's like layered yes and then I put
like the deep decoration and then I go
over to the pumpkin lady's house
afterwards and I tell her how amazing my
house is and like her pumpkins are just
like basic first of all I have a
competition with this pumpkin lady and
she's like 80 and I'm like fuck this
pumpkin bitch like you know I get like
really aggressive about it my husband's
like - you need to like calm down she's
like 80 I'm like who cares about her
stupid pumpkins they're not even real
they're like the plastic ones that she
is is like adorable that's cheating
that's that's a cop-out yeah but she's
got like she has a storage unit and she
brings them out and like it's kind of
cute they all have like their little
stories in the year that she carved them
and every year she comes out with five
and hey I wouldn't carve them if they're
if they're fake so that's what's kind of
unique about it she used this like a
dremel and then she puts like lights in
them like they were almost like they're
real pumpkins and you would only know
that they're plastic until you touch
them so she carves plastic pumpkins how
do you do that don't know no idea so I
mean I kind of like hate this lady but I
kind of love her at the same time you
need to like find out her secrets I know
but my house is like the house or the
hall
because I find holidays are just like my
thing hmm I just really like to get lost
and I love to give to others I love to
spoil people and I feel like when you
decorate your house all cute like it
really makes people drive like think
about when you drive by a house and you
see a house you're like oh my god how
cool no that's how I feel about I don't
decorate my house for Halloween because
I'm not really into Halloween though
honestly like if I had the time and if I
had like the finances like I would but I
do love Christmas right so every year I
usually get my my house professionally
lit up with see I'm professional because
I can't do it myself actually in a
boyfriend did it one year cuz he was
like we're not gonna spend the money I'm
gonna do it myself he did the worst job
there was like wires hanging everywhere
and I was like how are you blowing
really yes because we had too many
plugged in like I was like this is not
it I want to do the professional for
sure yeah the professional makes a huge
difference cuz yeah he did it I think
last year and I was like this looks like
shit I'm we got like our first fight
about the Christmas lights I was like
this looks terrible he's like no it's
fine like this is a representation of my
house I know and and the thing is it's
like what you're saying so you know I
work law as you know in production we
work long days and especially at winter
you know a lot of times you're coming
home from set and it's dark already I
leave when it's dark and I come home and
it's dark and it makes me happy to pull
up to my house and see it like lit all
right lights like that like just makes
me feel like warm inside and I love
Christmas like I'm very close to my
family and we've always you know made a
big deal about Christmas and it's just
like for me it's just it's a kind of
harkens back to my childhood and yeah I
feel safe and happy and so I love love
Christmas and I like go all out I
decorate my stables really yeah I just
moved to this new barn and I'm literally
already thinking about I've got a bitch
in space uh-huh
so I've got like the end you the end
stalls and I purchase like I'm leasing
like four stalls so I made them like
giant stalls because
- giant horses right and then the owner
built us like this deck so we have like
this huge deck and I finally have my
dream of like we just put up like a
little bistro set so we can like sit on
our chairs like sip coffee or I don't I
don't know why we would have coffee but
I didn't we'll figure that aspect out
later you'll bring it yeah I'll bring it
in but like I but I can like totally
picture the decorative skills and and
ideas like this year it's gonna be way
better than just like my horse with the
stupid stalking yeah my house my house
my barn is gonna be like the shit I just
love it but do you get anxiety about
Christmas because yeah totally
absolutely do so my whole thing is that
like every year I'm always like
christmas is coming I don't I'm always
like I'm not gonna work that much this
year I'm going to do all the Christmas
things I'm gonna get really into like
this season and then I don't because I
end up working and I don't do all the
Christmas things that I want to do and
then the closer we get to the actual day
of Christmas I get like more and more
depressed because right all I can think
about is how it's gonna be over so then
on Christmas Day I'm usually like kind
of downcast because it's gonna be over
at the end of the day and it bums me out
so all the lead-up to the day and the
day that is the day that supposed to be
the happiest day that all this has been
leading up to I'm gonna bummed out
because all I can think about is how
it's gonna be over I have an issue with
living in the now it's really bad I well
this year I feel like I'm more stressed
out than normal because I decided a few
months ago that I was gonna finish my
schooling for nursing so I decided I was
going to go back and so I had to like
challenge the test and in order to like
apply my old credits and yada yada yada
well I found out that my school starts
December 17th and I'm like that like
puts a damper in the middle of like yes
and I have to feature dance gigs like
the weekend before and the weekend of
and I'm an idiot and agreed to take like
a future dancing gig like I think it's
like the 21st to the 23rd mm-hmm
so I'm like like prime Christmas season
yes I mean that's right so this year I
feel like I have a lot of extra pent-up
anxiety just because I'm nervous going
back to school and then nervous about
like Christmas and just in general I'm
just like a nervous person to die I'm
like I'm I don't know what the word is
but like I'm a hypochondriac 20 comes to
like nerves I don't not like sicknesses
but just like I'm always nervous like
I'm scared when I walk into a room I'm
like okay what's gonna happen yeah you
know yeah and I think that a lot of that
just has to do with like past things
right I'm a very misunderstood person
and I feel like I'm gonna either I'm not
like one of those people were like
everyone loves me mhm
but I'm not one of those people where
everyone hates me yeah I'm either you
really like me it's like split in the
middle there you really like me or you
really don't mmm and I have a problem
with really fixating on people and why
they don't like me it's hard because I
just want people to like me and so
you're like wait a minute but I was
always nice to that personally why don't
they like me oh yeah especially if you
don't know them and you're like what the
fuck why don't you like be my friend
yeah you're like I just want you to love
me like why don't you like me so I have
I have a problem with that that I'm
trying to like work on as I've like
approaching 30 years old like okay lady
you just need to let it go like not
everyone's gonna like you and they like
the other side of me is like but I want
them to like me that's the hardest thing
you can't control other people's
behavior or reaction to you you can only
control your reaction to their behavior
yeah and it's hard it's hard to accept
that people may not like you because you
want to fix it and right wanna you know
I'm a total fixer yeah and one thing
that I do admire about myself is that I
always acknowledge when I fucked up yeah
I'm always like hey do
I was a dick yeah it may take a while or
it may take myself like you know
figuring out like okay wow that was a
shit move so whenever I go out of my way
to like really fix things and the other
person doesn't want to fix it which is
totally okay I have a hard time like
accepting that yeah I don't like
unfinished business right I don't like
having enemies and I don't like having
people I'd rather you just be like me
whatever
yeah then like just like me yes I know
exactly do you have that like I totally
it's you kidding me like and and it's
it's horrible when you see it like on
social media and like people just and
I'm sure that you get it way worse than
I do where people just attack you kind
of for no reason I wish I had that
ability to just fuck it I don't care
yeah I think you people have that
ability I think most of us care a lot
about what other people think of us yeah
you know because it was just so stupid
which is so stupid and I think social
media feeds that you know because you
look for validation through strangers
people that you don't know I'm so weird
right yeah and it's just like these
people don't actually know you they've
never met you in real life but they form
this opinion of you but your feelings
get hurt
probably like live like I said and their
parents basement and you're like crying
well and then too like when you when you
allow that to affect you then you've
given them the power that they're
seeking right to have some kind of
effect on something because a lot of
them I think feel like they have no
control over their own lives so they try
to go out and like spread their
tentacles into other people's lives and
yeah feel bad and then it makes them
feel like me I feel like sometimes it
just makes them feel like someone
actually listened to them you know like
no one listens to them right I think
it's a life teasing mean to you and you
responding they're like oh an attention
grab yeah Thank You grant and I was able
to like affect somebody who feels so
ineffective in their own personal life I
love to psychoanalyze oh I would are
totally like you know it's awesome but
scary at the same time as like as a
person I
from the age of 27 when I turned 27
something like collecting my head and
from 27 to 29 I've been on like the
spiritual journey but not like one of
those like weirdos spiritual journeys
where I'm like constantly on like social
media I don't know be positive know like
my own personal my gratitude yeah like
my own personal spiritual journey of
like how can I make myself the best
version of myself for other people right
you know not just for myself so that
included like reaching out to people
that I might have been a dickhead to or
making amends with people that even
though you don't necessarily you know
want to reconnect but in order to better
yourself as a person you have to forgive
those people and and give them another
chance and by giving them another chance
I don't mean like hey they shit on you
and you not holding that grudge being
just very like hey I don't have any
negative feelings towards you so letting
go was something that I have worked on
really hard for the last few years
and it's a work in progress but I think
that learning to let go is the best tool
you can Ember the greatest after you can
give yours yes yes
and I don't know if it's come with
maturity or I think that's a big part of
your life experience but I think those
things go hand in hand
yeah yeah I know exactly what you mean I
I mean you know I'm in a 12-step program
so I have to actively work that kind of
stuff right in order to basically stay
sober and like not become a complete
fuckup so I often ask me like am I like
recovering or am i working like the
12-step program or is this like the part
where you apologize and I'm like no I'm
just I'm just doing it because I feel
like it's the right thing to do I mean
honestly I've always said I think the
12-step program can help anybody with
everything because you can apply it to
anything you gave really that book
remember which one was it the power
note the four agreements or the the five
agreements or the four agreement the
four agreements did I yeah you gave me
that book did I read it yes gave me that
book when I was like cuckoo and I had
you know it's awesome though it's like
so I had like everyone it's kind of
common knowledge that I had like a
mental breakdown which is pretty gnarly
because people didn't think I was gonna
come back but it actually came back a
better version of myself mm-hmm
so I feel like so everyone has like
their version of rock bottom like if
you're an addict hitting rock bottom if
you know you've been through really hard
times hitting rock bottom and so like I
feel like my nervous breakdown was the
best thing that ever happened to me
because I don't know I just feel like
I'm I'm a much more forgiving loving
selfless person than I was I think it's
really great to go through that because
it really changes your perspective it
pops that bubble that we live right and
you know like I'm so humble you know and
I am so thankful like every day I'm like
wow I have a really nice house and a
nice car and nice pets and nice things
whereas back in the day I've always
wanted more and more and more and more
it like there was never anything it
never was enough yes I know exactly what
you mean it's like um it's like trying
to constantly fill that void and it just
nothing ever works you can pile money
and you know new furniture and house and
boys and sex and booze and drugs and
it'll just like it'll just it'll you'll
never be able to fill it and it's it's
so much like something that you have to
work on on the inside yeah I have a
friend that I text a gratitude list too
every night she texts me one and I text
her oh cool that that helps I was
actually talking to a friend of mine who
said that who read something or watch
some kind of interview with like a
psychologist and he talked about how
this like 21-day program where every
single day I don't know if it's if you
write it down or you exchange it with
somebody else tell somebody else three
things are grateful for reading about
this every single day for 21 days
straight how it will literally change
your brain chemistry and it'll shift
your perspective right and I think that
that's totally true I went through a
really really hard time this year like
this year was one of the hardest years
for me it just started off just awful it
just had all these things happen to me
at once and it I spiraled off into this
horrible depression and you know my
drinking spun out of control Ian and and
I really just focused on trying to be
grateful for what I had and like doing
meditations and doing writing and like
saying my gratitude list even though I
didn't feel it right and and trying to
manifest like this this faith that like
I was gonna be okay you have to be so
careful not to become a victim of
yourself yes and that's so easy
especially I need to play the victim
it's caught that it totally is yeah and
especially like with me um you know
through therapy and stuff like with with
my bipolar disorder I I became bipolar
because that was part of my breaking
point with my nervous breakdown but
after I came out from my nervous
breakdown they were like okay you're
bipolar so I had to learn how to live
with this and I would lash out and have
like I would say the most terrible
things to people
horrible things I would do horrible
things I'm like oh it's cuz I'm bipolar
yeah and then through therapy I learned
no you can't be a victim of yourself
just because you have a disorder or you
have an addiction right or whatever you
have to still take responsibility
exactly
even though it just is gonna be harder
for you like me my biggest problem is I
have a venom venomous mouth when I get
angry yeah or when somebody pushes my
buttons when somebody pokes the bear I
say the most horrible things and then I
used to be like oh it's because I'm
bipolar but now it's like no it was
because I was being an asshole and
because I am bipolar that that was you
know one of the fiery
under linings of it all but if I if if I
accept that that was my own behavior
yeah yeah you have to take yeah I mean
like what they say you know for example
they say for me like it's not your fault
you're an alcoholic but it's your
responsibility to do right about it
because I mean you can't be like a
raging alcoholic and then like oh wow
that's how I was born with I'm just
gonna sit here and be a victim of my own
circumstance like you could sure you can
do that and you can spend the rest of
your life fuckin miserable and nobody
wants to have anything to do with you
right but I mean you dug that hole for
yourself like you know as human beings
it's our responsibility we all have our
own demons
everybody does no one's perfect and it's
your responsibility and it's your life's
challenge to face that and to conquer
that I mean I'm always like what's the
meaning of life what's the purpose of
life I think that that's probably it now
do you find yourself like extra
sensitive to when people make jokes
about like addicts like stereotypical
jokes like because with me I've this is
something that I'm working on right now
people make stereotypical jokes about
like bipolar disorders like Kanye West
is a big one a lot of people are like
it's cuz it's crazy by pullers off his
meds and it's like I have empathy for
somebody like that because the thing
about bipolar disorder that a lot of
people don't understand and they wonder
like oh why why don't they just keep
taking their meds and they won't be
crazy the crazy chemistry behind being
bipolar that I took trial and error
trial and error trial and error error is
that when you take your medication you
start feeling better
mhm and then you're like I don't need to
take it I'm fine fuck you and then when
you get off your medication you go into
this whole like depending on what type
of bipolar you are and bipolar 1 or 2 or
whatever and then you go into this
spiraling mode of I'm normal this is
normal I feel normal and then people
around you start you know thinking
whatever but my point is is that does it
bother you when people have stereotypes
with like at
or did it use to because with me it
really bothers me and it hurts my
feelings and I'm like oh well they don't
know my history but when people are like
oh Kanye was who's crazy going off his
meds and it like hurts my feelings yeah
I mean I'm super sensitive though so it
is frustrating sometimes when what
frustrates me is is when people
sometimes say something like well you
know alcoholism isn't a disease and you
know you're just weak
it's a willpower thing and why don't you
just stop because but it's like I think
it's probably the same as you try and
explain to me like what bipolar is like
me trying to explain to you like what
alcoholism is just one of those weird
fucking things I can't explain to you
like I remember you know my boyfriend
asking me you know during like my last
episode I mean poor guys been I put him
through so much he's just like I don't
understand why you do this to yourself
he's like you have a family who loves
you I love you you have a successful
career you have fans who love you you
have friends who love you like
everything's great in your life why do
you do this to yourself and I'm like I
don't fucking know and that just makes
me feel worse right for to be questioned
like that because I don't you think I
think that to myself every single day
don't you think that like when I'm
fucking sneaking little balls of vodka
and my person like hiding it in my car
like airplanes right yeah
airplane bottles those things like
trigger me when I see those around him
like that that always gets me right like
if I see those in movies or whatever
like because that was such a fixture of
my life I mean don't you think that I
asked myself that question every fucking
day like when I was you know it's like
my hands won't listen to my brain right
but in a strange way I'm almost I mean
now that I'm on the other side of it and
I'm sober I there's a strange part of me
that's grateful for it because it forced
me to look at myself in a way that I
don't think I ever would have done
before right and a lot of people aren't
forced to look at themselves in the way
that I did because they don't have this
insane fucking disease which would very
likely kill you and destroy your life
yeah it's like a matter of life and
death for me like I have to live my life
a certain way otherwise I will destroy
myself it's bizarre
in a strange way it's sort of like a
gift right because like I'm very
conscious of all of that and I don't
know I wouldn't trade the journey for
anything it's made me who I am and it's
made me very grateful for what I have
and I feel like you probably feel the
same way about what you went through
yeah and you know I I it's definitely
made me more of an empathetic person
yeah because I used to really struggle
with like judgment not judgment I was
never a judgmental person but a very I
lacked empathy I like if somebody was in
an abusive relationship I'd be like well
then just fucking leave yeah but
considering like what I went through in
my past and and being a survivor of a
domestic violence relationship I am such
a total different outlook you know when
people when people would commit suicide
or would hurt themselves or had you know
issues depression issues I've been like
gonna just get over it and now I'm like
whoa that's not how it works
yeah we are in that state it's like it's
so hard to see the light at the end of
it right and I feel like I feel like um
you know especially with this industry
ever evolving and changing
sometimes I become a victim of you know
my own emotions because I'm like oh why
can't the industry be like this anymore
yeah and I and I oh there's nothing more
that I'd love to do is sit around him
you know it's not like that at all I
wish it the good old days girl
like a pain like you know this much too
like once a month yeah like work once a
month yep and now the hustles different
I mean now you really have to hustle
yeah and the competition is fierce yeah
and I think like the hardest part for me
is just trying my hardest not to be like
that jaded person yeah I know what you
mean because sometimes there's there's a
lot of like comfort and falling into
that hole like fuck my life now and it
used to be so much better and pretty and
nobody pays for their porn anymore and
it's everybody else's well now there's
not really there isn't really any stars
like there's the it girl for that flavor
of the month
yeah or six months or whatever and then
they like disappear because they do
everything in one sitting
yeah and there's no build-up to it
whereas I mean I took ten years to do an
anal scene yeah
like whoa and I took what five years to
do boy girl scene and then I took off a
couple years and then I came back I
started doing boy girl like it's so
different yeah what would you give
somebody like my last question for you
is what would you do differently knowing
what you know now what would you do
differently when you first got in the
industry and is there any way to tie
that into advice that you would give to
new girls what I would have done
differently I think is what I would have
done if I knew how the industry is now
or right what would you have done
differently if you could see the future
I know right well I think that I would
have definitely not God this is a hard
question what I would have done
differently is I definitely would have
done boy-girl a lot sooner
mm-hmm I would have done it when the
contract girls still existed mm-hmm I
started doing a lot of money for your
first boy-girl yeah I mean Jules Jordan
never forget used to like begged me to
do what my first boy-girl and offer me a
lot of money and I just like me me me me
no no no but the advice that I would
give to girls is that
don't let these agents or directors or
producers tell you that you have to do
everything all at once take it slow
because what you're seeking is longevity
longevity is so hard to achieve in this
industry and I think that everyone who's
taken their time
yeah you're not gonna be like the egg
girl right away you're not gonna be that
girl but it's okay who cares the it girl
is not making what you're making I can
tell you I make more money than the it
girls make because I'm not doing $800
boy girl scenes for a box cover you know
I'm not having sex 12 times a week
hustling killing my body and burning
myself out so I keep my rate high and
you just have to stay grounded don't
don't let these people chip at you
because they don't care about you
the only person that's gonna care about
you as yourself yeah self-respect
self-respect
thank you so much for coming thanks for
having me it was so good to see you I
feel like we had a very Lake it was
interesting I feel like most of our
conversation was not about porn at all
no I like yeah see people she's a real
person a real person this is a real
person with thoughts and feelings hopes
and dreams and a heart and excellent
holiday decorating skills maybe that's
something that you should go into they
start doing the committees do you like a
professional like decorate dude if I had
the money I'd have you come over and do
it for me oh man yeah one day I get
cray-cray tell everyone where they can
find you on social media you can find me
on Twitter Instagram all that fun stuff
I'm Brett Rossi the letter I the letter
M the RET t ro SSI or Brent Rossi calm
because it has like all that stuff so
perfect yeah and you can find me at
Holly Randall on Instagram and Twitter
and go to my patreon if you
want to support this podcast patreon.com
slash Holly Randall and filtered
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