It's the same shit on the back. AII right?
-Good night. -Good night, Larry.
-Yeah. -Thank you very much.
What are your friends Iike?
-I don't reaIIy have friends. -Who do you hang out with?
Nobody.
Why do I think you're not exaggerating?
I just keep to myseIf.
I go about my business, you know. Do my work.
A charming, IoveabIe guy Iike yourseIf? You shouId get out more.
I'm sure there's a ton of straight women who you couId make very happy.
Louis wants us to cut the kid's thumb off.
I'd Iike to give shouts to aII my homies.
Mrs. Friedman. LiIy.
Mr. Mossman and the man he pIays cards with.
Forgot his name.
And aII my peeps at WiIshire AduIt Care.
Everybody in the cafeteria. Big ups!
What's up to my man Larry. And Ricki.
Yo, yo, yo. Peace, G.
And the rec room.
I got neighbors, you know.
Digame sabrosa.
-What's that? -It's espanol.
What does it mean?
I don't know.
See that?
Don't be a pIaya hater, G.
-Yeah? -Who the fuck are you?
Who the fuck are you?
Excuse me.
What a shithoIe!
-Lady, I think you're in the wrong pIace. -You are in the wrong pIace.
AII right? You're in the wrong pIace. You have no idea.
And who the fuck are you?
-You're the fuck are you. -What?
What are you doing here?
-I'm staIking you. -Wait, you know her?
First of aII, do not say my name in this room. AII right?
Second of aII, you're out of Iine.
This is a professionaI situation and you have no right to intrude.
What kind of professionaI situation? I can't beIieve this.
A fucking man?
Okay. I reaIIy thought this was aII about Sharon.
-Are you teIIing peopIe where we are? -Mind your own business.
-Shut the fuck up. -BIow me.
Listen, both of you shut up.
Look, I haven't toId anybody where we are. And, Robin...
this is a professionaI situation.
Our probIems have nothing to do with Sharon...
and they have nothing to do with him.
-I want you to Ieave right now! PIease. -No!
I'm not Ieaving, he's Ieaving.
What? Who the fuck do you think you are?
-I fucking Iive here. I'm not going anywhere. -Yeah?
Neither am I. Going to be aII there is to that.
-Why are you doing this? -What if I throw you out?
What if I roundhouse you upside your fat head and coIIapse your skuII.
-I don't know. Give it a shot. -Don't. She knows how to do that stuff.
-Don't be macho. -I don't give a fuck.
This isn't Iesbian taIk-circIe time. We got something to do.
-You're getting the fuck out. Got it? -I mean, this? You need this?
You need a IittIe freedom or something? You want to dabbIe? We can aII fuck.
We can aII have sex together, that's fine.
What do you say, Hot Rocks?
-WouId you Iike it? -You're out of your mind.
-You know you want it. -Our situation has nothing to do with him.
It's over.
-It's not him. It's us, honey. -Right, it's not you, it's her. Get the--
Just shut up for one second! God! Fuck!
This has nothing to do with him.
-It's just, we're over. -No, we're not over.
We'II set up together, the three of us, tiII you get this out of your system.
-Baby, you're not hearing me. -I'm fucking hearing you. Okay?
God damn it!
See, I'm going to kiII myseIf right now and you care....
-That's a nice girI. -Shut the fuck up, aII right!
-What the fuck is that? -What did you....
No.
-What did you do? -Is this hot enough for you?
-Get away. -You want some?
Get away. What's wrong with you?
-Oh, my God. -What the fuck is this?
Lady, you need some Band-Aids.
This must be MentaI-fucking-IIIness Week.
That woman is fucking beautifuI.
Yes.
She's Iike the ones at the Baywatch.
They make my penis sneeze.
You got a good sense of humor, you know that?
God bIess you.
-Thank you. -No, not you, stupid.
When my penis sneezes, I say, ''God bIess you.
''God bIess you, penis.''
She's going to be okay.
What a reIief.
Brian, wouId you excuse us? I want to taIk to Larry for a minute. Okay?
-You'II be aII right in the car? -Yeah.
Okay, good.
I just....
I got to teII you, I'm not up for this thumb deaI.
I say we don't do it.
You trying to test me?
Is that it? You wanna see if I'm gonna do what I'm supposed to do?
No.
So, what are you, a contractor with a conscience?
Look, I've done some bad things...
but I didn't sign on to this to be a brutaI street thug.
Because, as far as I'm concerned, that's not the job I took.
How wouId you get around it?
I'd work it out.
But first I got to know, are you with me?
Sure.
Sure or yes?
-That's the same thing. -No, it's not the same thing.
See, if I were to ask you to move my couch for me you'd probabIy say, ''Sure.''
But if I were to ask you to Iook deep into my eyes...
and teII me from the bottom of your heart...
if it wouId give you great pIeasure if I were to suck your cock for 1 2 hours...
if I may be presumptuous, you'd probabIy say, ''Yes.''
See, it just impIies a different IeveI of commitment.
Ask me the question again.
Okay. Are you with me?
Yes.
Yeah? Good.
Isn't this B IeveI?
This is D IeveI. You shouIdn't be here.
I'm Iooking for B IeveI.
This is a D IeveI and no one is aIIowed here. You need to go back to B IeveI.
HoId on. Because you're confusing me, okay?
You're confusing me.
Let's just start from the beginning. If this isn't B--
Oh, my God.
-I am so sorry. -That's okay.
Just soak that in coId water and it'II come right out, okay?
I promise you. Yes. No, it wiII.
The thing is, the reason I'm here is they toId me to go around the corner....
-CIose your eyes. -What?
CIose your eyes. FoIIow me. Just waIk in. Don't Iook.
Come on. Go. You're fine.
-Can I open them? -No. Stand right here.
-It's coId in here. -Don't Iook at nothing. AII right?
-Can I open them? -No.
Stay turned around.
SmeIIs Iike my grandmother's.
-What was that? -It's nothing.
I like big butts and I cannot lie
The other brothers can't deny
When the girls walk in with an itty-bitty waist
And round things in your face You get sprung, wanna pull up tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on
So, ladies, yeah
Ladies, yeah
If you wanna roll in my Mercedes Yeah
So turn around! Stick it out! Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back!
That's an oId-schooI song.
You're oId-schooI, too, Larry.
We got an item that we want to package ourseIves and, you know....
-MaiI out. -Okay.
CouId we just get an enveIope from you?
What size wouId you Iike?
-Just the top, right-- -6 by 9.
So aII right.
We're done, right?
That's it.
Thanks.
WouId you Iike your parceI insured?
No, that's aII right.
I'II be right back.
Friend of yours?
CIose, personaI.
You know something? You're right. It is sadness.
I'm fucking sad. You got me. You're a genius.
You know why I'm fucking sad? Because I got this fucking...
beautifuI, sexy, gorgeous...
heartthrob-o-rama, fucking smart, amazing bombsheII...
1 7-on-a-fucking-10-scaIe girI...
sIeeping in a bed, right next to me.
And you know what?
She's a stone-coId dyke.
A fucking untouchabIe...
unhaveabIe, unattainabIe brick waII...
fucking Dykeasaurus Rexi.
So it's sad, okay? What do you want me to do?
I feeI fucking sadness about that.
There's nothing I can fucking do.
And not onIy is she a major babe...
but I reaIIy Iike this girI a Iot.
A Iot.
She's not Iike anybody eIse I ever knew before...
and that's a compIeteIy fucking new one on me.
I don't even know her reaI fucking name. So there you go.
And in case you're interested, my Iife sucks.
AII right? Stick a fork in me, I'm done.
Clean the bar all you like. I'm just going to puke on it again.
-Oh, you got me. -Oh! I got you!
Do you think your fingernaiIs need trimming?
They're fine.
What? You don't Iike my fingernaiIs now?
Look, I have no idea if this is true or not, but I've heard it said...
that those who are baIanced more toward the mascuIine of either sex...
check their fingernaiIs this way.
And those baIanced more toward the feminine check them that way.
I had a feeIing that even though you have this tough guy thing going on...
that you are wrestIing with some very strong feminine Ieanings.
That's fucking buIIshit.
I can't see. I'm farsighted. Nearsighted, whatever it is.
So I hoId them out here but I can't see them up cIose.
To find out how somebody's baIanced toward a mascuIine, Iook at me.
I can't see. That's why I hoId them far away.
-AII right. -Yeah, it is aII right.
No, aII right.
I was gonna do this. That's what I wanna do.
But I know I can't see so I hoId them out there to Iook at them.
AII right.
Don't give me that Iook. I see you Iooking at me.
-Are you gay? -What the fuck.
No. I'm not gay!
Why do you Iook at me and think I'm gay?
I'm not fucking gay!
-Are you sure? -Yeah, I'm fucking sure.
You know what, I bet you're right.
-Thank you. -It wasn't a compIiment.
Ricki, whatever your reaI name is, aII right, this is my eyes.
Look how I'm acting. You're driving me crazy.
You give me a fucking headache.
I don't even know why I had a crush on you, back a Iong time ago when I first met you...
that you reaIIy cured me of.
I don't know.
Maybe it's because you know I can kick your ass.
Maybe that turns you on.
You cannot kick my ass.
What?
You need a woman.
I got one.
Stop.
Kiss me again.
I thought you wanted to be my bitch.
This is so fucked up.
-Where you going? -It's turkey time.
GobbIe, gobbIe.
What?
Now, you taIk the taIk...
you know I'm expecting you to waIk the waIk. Come on.
Show me what I've been missing my whoIe Iife.
Lay some of that sweet ''heteroIingus'' on me.
I think...
to be serious....
I just.... You know, I think....
I was thinking, you know, and you were right...
when you said probabIy, actuaIIy a woman might know more...
about what feeIs better to another woman. She's a woman herseIf.
A guy might be at a certain disadvantage. You know, Iike....
It's Iike, you need a handicap. You know, Iike goIf.
Shut up and get over here.
God bIess you, penis.
What'd you say?
Nothing.
Every reIationship has a buII and a cow?
That's right.
Just to be up front about aII this...
when this gig is over...
I want you to know that I'm going to be Ieaving.
Listen...
you and Trixie over there, meet me at BeverIy and Lomitas.
Louis, what's going on?
And don't bring the thing.
-The what? -The thing. Don't bring it.
What thing?
The thing. Don't bring.... Don't bring it.
-You mean the.... -Yeah. Don't bring it.
You leave it somewhere safe for the time being.
-AII right. -You understand?
-Yeah, I understand. -And hurry up, jackass.
What?
It's Louis. Fucking pissed.
See this? Some cookies in there.
Be back.
-When are you coming back? -Soon.
-Just reIax, eat your breakfast. Okay? -I'm not hungry, though.
WeII, you can't skip breakfast. It's a very important meaI. AII right?
Don't go nowhere. Don't touch nothing.
-Don't make phone caIIs. I'm not kidding. -AII right, Larry.
AII right. See you Iater.
-Bye, Ricki. -Bye, Brian.
-What? -Nothing.
You know, I got this fantasy.
About making it with a guy?
No.
That's not it.
Going somewhere, you know, Iike, somewhere reaIIy...
cIean.
-CIean? -Yeah.
No scumbags teIIing you what to do. Nobody yeIIing at you aII the time.
SomepIace you couId just be.
Be yourseIf.
No bad stuff.
That sounds good.
-What's up? -We have a visitor from New York.
FoIIow me.
HeIIo.
-WeIcome. Nice to meet you. -HeIIo, sir.
FinaIIy. Nice to meet you, too.
Come. Look at you. BeautifuI.
Come on in. Here. Grab a couch.
Sit, sit.
I say everything twice. In, in. Sit, sit.
I'm so gIad you couId come...
on such a short notice, too. Thank you, I reaIIy appreciate it.
I reaIIy.... I thank you. I appreciate it. Here, I've got some stuff.
I'm sorry if I'm a bit of a mess, but I just got in a few hours ago.
I'm sure Louis toId you, you know, I'm having...
some IittIe IegaI probIems out here right now.
What are you gonna do? It's a nuisance, but what are you going to do?
I got to fight it, right?
I mean, I can't go to jaiI. That just can't happen.
I'm used to the finer things.
-Louis, am I right? -You are right.
It can't be. So I think we can say...
beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it's not gonna happen.
Somewhere a mistake has been made.
Did you know...
that apparentIy some peopIe...
do not regard the thumb, technicaIIy, to be a finger?
Curious for myseIf, I turned to Louis here...
who with his newfound dictionary skiIIs Iooked it up for me.
-You know what it said? -No.
TeII him what it said, Louis.
It said, quote:
''The short, thick, inner digit of the hand next to the forefinger.'' Unquote.
Now it said, ''digit,'' not ''finger.''
So I stiII don't reaIIy know, technicaIIy, if it's considered a finger or not.
-Right? -Right.
Right. Look at him. I Iove him.
I Iove this guy. He eats no matter what. I Iove you, Louis.
What's this?
What is this? Louis.
I've been subpoenaed.
I can't be consorting with armed feIons.
A IittIe consideration, pIease.
Besides, you think something Iike this is necessary...
anyway, to intimidate peopIe?
I say intimidation comes from within.
There are a muItitude of quaIities an individuaI can possess...
that make them intimidating.
Not onIy this, this is the outside. Then there's the inside.
But you know what's the most intimidating quaIity?
Not that you asked.
But the absoIuteIy most intimidating in my opinion?
When an individuaI just doesn't give a shit.
-Louis, you want to go to medicaI schooI? -MedicaI schooI?
Yes!
Students there can aIways use something to Iearn on.
I feeI Iike I'm fIoating.
I feeI...
reIeased.
I don't give a shit.
I don't.
I have no compunctions...
none whatsoever.
And I am very concerned...
about the way things have turned out here.
How was the bIeeding?
The bIeeding?
No, not him.
The retard, when you cut his thumb off.
Louis toId me you were concerned.
BIeeding was fine.
Fine?
It was aII right.
Okay. Good.
I didn't need your heIp, you know. I couId have beaten these charges.
What were you thinking?
You were gonna extort a federaI prosecutor.
You thought you couId say:
''Kidnapped your IittIe brother, drop aII charges,'' and the guy'd roII over?
You didn't think aII heII wouIdn't break Ioose?
You didn't think every fucking fed...
wouIdn't drop what they were doing...
and dive in to protect one of their own?
What do you morons think...
this is LittIe ItaIy?
Wake up!
This is the twenty-fucking-first century!
So now...
things are bad.
And whether you wanna caII a thumb...
a finger or a digit...
for the sake of this discussion, it doesn't reaIIy matter.
You know why?
Because whatever you choose to caII it...
a thumb...
has a fingerprint...
and the one you sent...
had the wrong fucking one.
-Mr. Starkman-- -I know my fucking name...
you piece of shit!
You don't try to extort...
a federaI fucking prosecutor!
And if you do...
you don't fuck around!
Fuck this.
Cutting off his thumb was a stupid order.
We wouId have been dereIict in our responsibiIities if we had foIIowed it.
HeIIo.
How Iong couId we have kept beIow radar...
with a thumbIess, bIeeding haIf-wit?
You see, sometimes...
one has to use their professionaI prerogative...
to override a dumb request.
With aII due respect...
even at this point if you were to ask us...
to pursue a course of action that wouId be...
Iet's say, contrary to your best interests...
then as awkward as it might be...
we wouId have to take exception.
Aside from those of us in this room...
there's onIy one person, reaIIy, that can Iink you to this fuckup.
And I feeI that we shouId...
rectify that probIem as soon as we can.
I think I'd much prefer just to...
you know...
end it right here.
And that wouId be your professionaI prerogative.
If you think that having that kid picked up by the authorities...
and teIIing them aII about being kidnapped in an attempt to save your ass makes sense.
If you think that's the best tactic to keep you out of jaiI.
If you think that's any Iess dumb than asking to have his finger cut off...
weII, then that wouId be the thing that you shouId do.
But if you don't...
then Iet us take the thorn out of your side.
Let us make sure that kid wiII never be abIe to testify against anybody.
And if after that you're stiII not happy...
then we can aII taIk again.
-You were kidding, right? -What do you think?
We'II take Brian back to where you found him and get out of here.
Are we going to the Baywatch now?
No, we can't go to the Baywatch now. Take you Iater.
Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the thing.
Maybe this is a sign coming from nowhere, from out of the bIue...
just teIIing me it's time. It's time to get out. It's time to do it.
When I'm alone in my room Sometimes I stare at the wall
and in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call
telling me I need a girl who's as sweet as a dove
For the first time in my life I see I need love
So if you know who you are why don't you make yourself seen
take a chance with my love you'll find out what I mean
I need love
Let me ask you something. You got a girIfriend?
No, I don't.
Let me do something for you.
You know, make up for aII the probIems I caused you.
Because I see you're a IittIe nervous around women. Right?
Let me teII you something. You got no reason to be shy. There's no magic to it.
Let me teII you this thing that I heard, and I'm starting to beIieve that it's true.
You know?
It's that the thing you're most afraid of in Iife...
if you do it, if you step up, good things wiII happen.
You see a girI that you Iike that you're scared to taIk to...
bro, step up.
Go up to her and say:
''Hi, how are you today? Nice weather we're having.''
Take it from there, wherever the conversation goes. You try it.
Try it with me. Practice. Go ahead.
HeIIo, how are you today?
Try it with me. Go ahead. Just say it.
HeIIo, how are you today?
Come on, Brian. HeIIo.
How are you today?
''How are you today?''
Nice weather we're having.
''Nice weather we're having.''
There you go. You see how he did it? It's because you stepped up, Brian.
If you're afraid, step up and good things start to happen. Am I right?
-I stepped up. -Step it up, pimp.
That's how you move. Step it up.
So, now that we're partners in crime...
how about teIIing me your reaI name.
The reason that I ask that...
is because I don't know if you gave it any thought since Iast night...
but I've been thinking about it.
And seeing.... You know, Iooks Iike now we're both going to be Ieaving.
So I thought, you know....
AII right, Iook.
I'm gonna Iay it aII out there for you right now.
I'm just gonna say it, because, you know, here I am.
-I think-- -Larry.
You know I haven't done this kind of thing hardIy ever.
The whoIe man thing...
doesn't reaIIy hoId that much for me, usuaIIy.
I know.
But somehow you got through.
Somehow.
But in the end...
I don't think I couId ever be what you reaIIy want.
-So where do you think you'II go? -I don't know.
Somewhere cIean.
You know, Northern CaIifornia...
Oregon maybe.
You couId just drop me off near the Pacific Coast Highway...
-and I'II figure it out from there. -Okay.
After that, Brian, I think it's gonna be time to go home.
We just Ieft there a IittIe whiIe ago, though.
I don't mean my apartment. I mean, you know, the pIace where you Iive.
Where I got you.
What, you mean to stay?
Yeah, buddy. To stay.
Oh, my God.
-It's open. Oh, my God. -What are you doing? Sit down.
-Oh, my God. I'm gonna go. -Brian, what?
-What's he taIking about? -They're open.
They're open. Oh, my God. The Baywatch.
They're open!
-Cowabunga! -Oh, my God.
That's the Baywatch?
It's open. It's the Baywatch.
HeIIo there!
I can't beIieve this.
-I can't beIieve. Stop. -We can't stop now.
No, we have to stop!
No, Larry, no! They're here. We're here.
I know. We can't, though. I'm sorry. We can't stop.
-We're here. Come on. -We're here.
-We're right here. -Brian.
Wait. That's it. We're right here.
Wait a second. Wait. So turn around now, okay?
AII right.
What do you think?
-Can I go down there? -Brian, you can't go down there, no.
I mean, we're not aIIowed down there.
PIus, we got to go soon.
PIease? PIease, can I go down there?
You know, Brian, I don't even think....
This might not even be the Baywatch. I think this is probabIy something eIse.
Larry, you promised me.
You promised me.
-It's right there. -I know.
Just for five minutes?
Brian, what's your brother's name?
My brother's name is stinky Jimmy Dorf. Want to know why?
Yeah, some other time, I do.
Yeah, Los AngeIes. The U.S. courthouse. The office of a James Dorf.
-Because.... Do you want to know why? -Yeah.
Because sometimes he smeIIs Iike fish.
No, I don't think so.
Yeah, I'II give you my name. Give me a minute. HoId on. I forgot it.
Brian, Iook at me.
I think your brother and his friends are gonna be here soon to pick you up.
Okay?
I want you to know something.
You're a good kid.
I'm sorry about aII the....
I'm sorry for being....
I'm sorry.
I think you're wrong.
I think that is the Baywatch right there.
Who knows. Maybe it is.
I'm a genius, man. I knew it.
You take good care of yourseIf, Brian.
You take good care of yourseIf, Larry.
I'II do that.
Brian, Iet me ask you something. How do your fingernaiIs Iook?
-My fingernaiIs? -Your fingernaiIs, how are they Iooking?
-Don't say nothing. -They Iook very good.
I got A-pIus naiIs.
-I give an A-pIus for fingernaiIs. -Never mind. Okay. Good.
Go ahead.
Go on.
I don't know how you're thinking about getting out of here or whatever...
what your pIans are...
but I think you shouId take my car.
Go ahead, take it. Take it.
I couIdn't do that, Larry.
I'd rather.... You know, I'd prefer if you had it.
It's a good car, and I want you to be aII right.
And I know that it'II get you wherever you need to go.
So just, you know, take it.
I was thinking about getting rid of it anyway.
I'm trying to change my image.
Go ahead, take it.
PIease.
Okay.
-I wiII, thank you. -Don't mention it.
Just do me one favor, though.
Name it.
As far as the Iesbian thing goes...
Yeah?
...if you do ever think about hopping the fence...
promise you'II give me a caII first.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, listen up.
Camera is ready and picture is up.
I need all dancers to first position as soon as possible.
All dancers to first position as soon as possible. Let's go.
Okay, listen up, guys. Can we please finish pairing up, everyone?
Come on, guys, it's not like you're mating for life.
As the old song goes.; ''just love the one you're with. ''
Find someone to love.
Come on, Brian. Dance with someone.
Nice weather we're having.
Yes, it's very nice.
It is?
Yes. But the weather's aIways very nice around here, isn't it?
Yes.
And a 10% chance of precipitation for Iow-Iying coastaI regions...
extending from New South WaIes to Victoria.
And playback.
And action.
RocheIIe.
What?
RocheIIe. That's my reaI name.
So, RocheIIe...
does this mean you decided to hop the fence?
I wouIdn't go that far.
But I figured since I heIped get you into aII this...
the Ieast I couId do is offer you a ride out of town.
Fair enough.
What?
You know, I bet you'd Iook awesome in some mascara.
-I'm not sure how to take that. -It's a compIiment.
Yeah?
Like your mother said, Iife's not aIways bIack-and-white.
Sometimes you just never know.
Are you driving or buIIshitting?
I'm driving.
I like big butts and I cannot lie
The other brothers can't deny
When the girls walk in with an itty-bitty waist
And round things in your face You get sprung, wanna pull up tough
'Cause you noticed that butt was stuffed
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on
So, ladies, yeah
Ladies, yeah
If you wanna roll in my Mercedes Yeah
So turn around! Stick it out! Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back!