You don't like me because I don't sign autographs.
You don't like me because I don't smile for the camera.
You don't like me because I don't suck up to the press.
You don't like me because I make a lot of money.
But you love me.
Because I'm one of the greatest hitters alive.
[Crowd cheering]
ANNOUNCER: We're back in Milwaukee,
and the sound you hear reverberating
across the cities and farms of the great state of Wisconsin
is the roar of the Brewer faithful
for their longtime hero, Stan Ross.
And here he comes with that trademark arrogant scowl.
2,999 hits to date in his illustrious career.
Will this at-bat, July 29, 1995,
against the rookie right-hander Billy Earll,
be the historic moment
when Ross joins only 20 other major leaguers
in that elite 3,000-hit club?
[Cheering]
Stan.
You're gonna be the best-looking cat in the Hall of Fame,
that's for doggone sure.
Yo, scrub!
You want my autograph now or after I make history?
You ain't getting this hit off me.
This is gonna be your one career highlight.
You're gonna be a game-show answer.
Well, I'll take "Kiss my Ass" for $ 1,000.
Make it 3,000.
You hear that language on that rookie?
Kiss my ass.
How about you, Ernie?
You're gonna tell me to kiss your ass, too?
Why don't you suck my...
I'll show you what kiss my ass look like.
I'll show him. I'll put up this...
[Jeering]
Damn it, Joe! He know better than to get me pissed off!
ANNOUNCER: No pitcher wants to be the one
that gives up that 3,000th base hit.
Clearly Earll just sent that message.
A purpose pitch to get Ross angry.
Come on, this is the one. You know what I'm talking about!
Hope he trips and breaks his leg.
- Uhh! - ANNOUNCER: Oh, my!
It's a vicious line drive off Earll's...
Well, it's a bell-ringing base hit.
That's what it is.
Stan Ross is safe at first.
Hey, Coach, get me that ball.
That's the ball that got me to the Hall of Fame.
- You want this ball, Ross? - Yeah. Thanks, man.
There goes your damn ball.
You see that, Coach?
You see what he just did?
He threw my Hall of Fame ball in the stands.
What's your problem?
- Back up. Back up. - Move, man!
You be out when I get back, or someone will have to pull
a piece of baseball history out the crack of your ass!
- What you looking at? - Make a move.
Okay, I'll shrink your big ass.
You'll get some, too.
You saw what he did, Coach.
All right, guys.
That ain't gonna mean nothing.
Get back in.
Who got my ball? Open that gate.
All right! He's coming on up.
- Hey, congratulations, Stan! - [Laughing]
- [Laughing stops] - Give me my ball.
- What? - WOMAN: What'd he say?
Give me my 3,000-hit ball.
Don't look at your daddy. Give me my ball!
Whoa, make him a trade at least.
Give him your cap or an autographed bat.
- I'm not trading him! - Hey, whoa!
What the... Are you all right, pal?
Why don't you take his cotton candy while you're at it?
Were you glad to get number 3,000 here in Milwaukee?
Sure. You ask any of the all-time greats, man.
We all got a special connection with our hometown fans.
What connection did you make
with that kid who caught the ball tonight?
What you talkin' about?
People in that section say you threatened him.
I gave him good advice.
What the hell wrong with you people?
I just became a legend like Willie Mays,
Stan Musial, and Carl Yastrzemski.
Y'all gonna try to speak on something negative?
That's what I'm talkin' about. That's why I'm quittin'.
- What? - What?
What do you mean, quitting?
Quittin'. I'm done.
Hangin' it up.
Now that I got this, I ain't playin' no more.
And that means no more talking to you stank-ass reporters.
- Excuse me? - That's right.
I'm talking to you.
And I said "stank-ass."
Why now with the Brewers still in the race?
Couldn't you wait until after the season?
I'd have quit last season if I didn't think
you were gonna try to block me from the Hall of Fame.
But it don't matter 'cause I got mine.
3,000.
Like it or not, I'm a certified immortal.
And there ain't nothin' you sons of bitches can do about it.
Nothin'.
ANNOUNCER: Attention, all Milwaukee leprechauns.
STAN: Hey, all you Milwaukee leprechauns.
This is St. Patty's Day.
Get your shamrock groove on at Stan Ross' Mr. 3000 Sports Bar,
located on Peacock Street in Waukesha County.
We got 3,000 different kind of beers.
We got Wild Irish Rose and anything that you might want.
But wait. There's more.
You want to get that heavy vibration
from that special someone?
Get your page on at 3000 Beeps.
Get your hair dyed, fried, and laid to the side at 3000 Cuts.
Knickknack patty-whack, get your dog a bone.
And get your woof on at 3000 Paws.
Get your Szechuan feast on at 3000 Woks.
Bring the whole family down to Mr. 3000 Shopping Center.
STAN: First year, I was 150 votes short.
Come here.
Second year, I was less than 50 and so on.
Last year, I was just 4 votes away.
Sportswriters hate me.
But my numbers don't lie.
I got 3,000 up there, one for each one of my hits.
They gotta let me in.
It's my year, and everybody knows it.
What about him?
Who's that?
You know who that is.
That's T-Rex Pennebaker.
Best player on the Brewers.
T-Rex Pennebaker ain't nothin'.
I don't even know why you bother learning his name,
especially what you got in front of you, a living legend.
A certified immortal.
And I know you don't know a lot of immortals.
[Laughs] Hey, easy, old man.
Old man?
What you mean is "aged," like U.S.D.A. Beef.
It's what's for dinner.
Not on my plate.
- No? - No.
Monstrous.
Just ain't like the old days, huh, Boca?
Mnh-mnh.
- Wow. - Spring training.
You can practically smell the grass, can't you?
Can't say I can, man.
What, you don't miss it?
Miss it?
Nah.
Stan didn't make many friends when he was playing here.
He wasn't very good with the press.
We invited him to Old-timers' Day
every year since he retired.
That's nine years.
And he never RS VP'd once.
He might not want to do this, you know what I'm saying?
No. What are you saying?
I'm just saying, "Stan Ross Day."
Retire his number.
The fans, man.
[Crowd cheering]
Did he go for it?
Did you hit him with the fans bit?
How about where you say you didn't know if I would do it?
Boca, I swear, when you get to going,
you can talk a stripe off a zebra.
Monstrous.
MAN: And welcome to beautiful Miller Park.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're here today to retire number 21,
worn by one of the Brewers' all-time greats.
Seven times an All-Star,
a member of that exclusive 3,000-base-hit club,
the Wizard of Wood, the Count of Contact,
and the King of the Swing,
Milwaukee's own Mr. 3000, Stan Ross!
Wow!
Damn!
I still look good.
He hasn't lost his touch, has he?
And joining us today to pay tribute to Stan,
let's welcome former teammate Bill "Big Horse" Berelli.
Who?
I think he played with you a couple of months in '79.
He was a middle reliever.
What happened to Paul Molitor, man?
Robin Yount? Cecil Cooper? What happened to them?
They declined.
We're lucky we got him.
You know, a lot of people said that Stan
only looked out for himself.
That he wasn't a team player.
But I'm here to tell you that if you get 3,000 hits,
you don't have to be a team player.
What?
If you have a lifetime .314 average,
you don't have to be a good guy.
If you lead the league in batting for three years,
you can be the biggest jerk in the world.
- [Crowd booing] - [Laughing]
He laughin', man. He laughin'.
So on behalf of all of us who played alongside of you,
congratulations.
Go on, go on, man. You can't help me now.
Also here with us today, you remember him well,
number 8, Anthony Carter.
All right, come on. Tell them like it is, Boca.
Come on, baby. Now we're talkin'.
Me and Stan were teammates.
Man, could he hit the ball.
Tell 'em, baby.
And I loved him for that.
I love you more.
[Light applause]
That's it? I'm trying to get enshrined.
That's it? Man, y'all killin' me, man.
All right, Milwaukee,
let's hear it for our Brewers' own Stan Ross!
Thank you so much.
First, I want to thank you, Mr. Schembri,
and the entire Milwaukee Brewers organization.
And to my main man, my best friend, Boca Carter.
And to you, Old Donkey.
- Big Horse! - Whatever!
But most of all, I want to thank you-all.
The fans.
You were always there for me.
And I know for a fact, if it was up to you,
I'd have been in the Hall of Fame a long time ago.
But unfortunately, it's up to a bunch of sportswriters.
[Booing]
Some metalhead half-asses.
How the hell do you bat 3,000
and not be selected into the Hall of Fame?
- What type of bullshit is that? - [Feedback]
Let me tell you something.
You-all believed in me when I was at my best.
You-all believed in me when I was at my worst.
You, the fans!
[Cheers and applause]
That's why I know for a fact
I can depend on you-all to bring me, Stan Ross, to Cooperstown.
I can hear you say "Stan!"
CROWD: Stan!
Say "Stan Ross"!
Stan Ross!
He's the boss!
Say "Hall of Fame"!
Hall of Fame!
It's a damn shame!
Over here, say, "Hell, yeah"!
Hell, yeah!
Say, "Hell, yeah"!
Hell, yeah!
Say, "You're the man"!
You're the man!
Let me hear it again!
You're the man!
- They love me. - You're the man!
[Cheering and chanting]
You got a minute?
Hang on. What?
You know how when we think somebody's gonna be voted in,
we run the numbers.
Every win, every home run, every hit?
Yeah.
We were running that for Stan Ross.
A list of every one of his 3,000 hits.
- There's an error. - One of the hits was an error?
No, all the hits were hits. There just aren't 3,000 of them.
Okay. Start over.
Okay, there was a game in May 1982 that was called for curfew.
When they finished in August, the hits were recorded twice.
Once in May, once in August.
Stan Ross had three hits in that game.
That means that three of the hits don't count.
- So you're telling me... - Stan Ross, Mr. 3000,
- has only 2,997 hits. - 2,997 hits.
As Yahko tried to escape across the rope bridge,
he realized that he was trapped by both sides
by the dreaded, evil boars.
Yahko knew his only hope was to do the unthinkable,
and that was to jump far, far below
into the raging, raging river.
Hold on, kids.
Hello?
Hey...
Hey, man, the press is eating it up.
What happens to Yahko?
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
- What happened to Yahko? - What?
- What happened to Yahko? - What happened to Yahko?
Shut up!
BO Y: I can't believe you said that.
2,997?
Man, that's bullshit!
- Oh, Mr. Ross. - CHILDREN: Ooh!
- Please, the children. - Man, hell with the kids!
Yahko's dead!
SCOTT: The Hall of Fame vote is in, and Stan Ross is not.
The always-controversial ex-Brewer
had slowly crept to within four votes of enshrinement,
but this time finished 147 votes shy,
following a correction in the record books
that left him three hits short of the magical 3,000.
- Stan's gonna wait - Turn it off.
Till next year to wait till next life.
From the green...
I can't let them do it to me.
I can't let them take away my legacy.
Watch me!
I got it
Watch me!
I got it, hey!
You love me because I'm one of the greatest hitters alive.
I got somethin' that teiis me
You love me because I'm one of the greatest hitters alive.
I got soui, and i'm super bad
You love me because I'm one of the greatest hitters alive.
I got soui
And i'm super bad
i got it, hey!
I'm back!
The King with the Swing, the right arm they call "The Gun,"
Stan Ross.
Nitroglycerin himself.
Number 21,
the man with sweetest swing in the major league, is back.
[Slurring] You gotta be joking.
How old are you?
50?
47 and getting younger.
That's why I love you, man.
Man, what the hell? What's your damn problem, man?
That was 4/10 of a second.
That's how much time you have
after the ball leaves the pitcher's hand
to decide whether it's a fastball, a split-finger.
Wait, wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
What you know about the game? You played in the majors?
Figures. He's drunk.
No, I've just been a Brewers fan my whole life
while you treated the team and the fans and the city like dirt.
Yo, Boca, get this man another bottle.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- I want you to try it again. - What?
'Cause last time I wasn't standing at the plate.
Come on, try it again.
Yeah.
Boca. See that?
Three more of these.
Three more hits.
As I said before, Stan Ross is back.
Better talk to him, Boca.
Ladies and gentlemen, number 21, the great, the fantastic,
Mr. Incredible.
Stan.
MAN: I thought when we retired his number,
we wouldn't have to see that prick anymore.
MAN #2: He's a senior citizen. Do you think I want him here?
And he hasn't played the game in nine years.
It's not like we're in the American League anymore,
so he's gotta play the field.
Can he even handle first base at his age, let alone hit?
Fellas.
We are in fifth place, and we are not drawing flies.
And we've got two very long months ahead of us.
The biggest crowd we've had all year
was the day we retired Stan's number.
Now, we give him a physical.
Give him a month to get in shape.
Then after that September roster expansion,
if he's up to it, we put him in the lineup.
Bo, all I need is a bat.
That's it, baby.
Look at him.
He ain't got no waist on him. He got nothin'.
- Stan Ross. - Hey.
Eddie Richling. I'm the conditioning coach.
He here to carry you home?
The only thing Boca gonna carry is my plaque.
- That's why I love you. - I love you more.
Is that right? How many push-ups can you do?
One arm or two?
Well, I'll tell you what, last time I counted,
what was it, about 40, 50?
I got 5 bucks in my pocket says you can't give me 10.
That's easy money. Back up, man.
- You better help your boy down. - He didn't help me in.
Come on, let's see what you got.
Okay, well, that's one.
How many is that?
Oh, I don't know. I'd say 40, 50.
That's four.
Come on, Stan. You got this one.
Oh, oh! Your knee touched, man.
- That's a girl push-up. - You see my knee touch?
Well, it might have, yeah.
But who said girl push-ups don't count?
Yeah, who said girl push-ups don't count?
How you want to pay me, cash or check?
Oh, look at them arms starting to shake.
Come on.
Aah! Oof!
Okay, Stan, now you ready to get started for real?
Man, what type of shit is this?
Hydrostatic weighing.
It's how we determine how much body fat you really have.
I don't need my balls washed to tell you how much I weigh.
Hold your breath, Stan.
This ain't nothin' but a Southern baptism.
It's called modern technology, Stan.
Recently, the Brewers have incorporated new methods
of training into their exercise regimen.
We're gonna get you started on this bad boy.
- Look at this. - Mm-hmm.
This looks like some punishment.
Actually, it's very gentle.
It's called Pilates.
Pi-what?
Breathe in.
Okay, feel the extensors now.
I feel like Flipper.
B, that's what I'm talkin' about.
I'm gonna start off real light, about 463.
You can throw 463 on if you want to, chicken chest,
but your equipment is right over there.
Remember what I told you. Keep that ass up.
All right, push!
Whoa, where you going?
Is this a joke?
It's only a joke if you think weak abs are funny.
Feel it in your lats?
You ask me about my lats. Yeah, I feel it.
My spine and my butt, too.
Push it! Push it! Push it!
- Come on! - Aah!
It's fun to stay at the Y.M. C.A.
They have everything for young men to enjoy
You can hang out with aii the boys
Whoa, where you going? Get back here.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M. C.A.
Whoo! Yeah!
You can get yourseif ciean, you can have a good meai
You can do whatever you feei
Stand up.
Sit down.
Come on, now up.
42.
43.
Look at this boy go. Look at your boy.
- What's your name? - Stan Ross.
- Tell 'em your name. - Stan Ross.
- Who are you? - Stan Ross!
- Louder! - They call me the boss.
- Who? - 'Cause I pay the cost.
- Why? - 'Cause I'm Stan Ross!
You can get yourseif ciean, you can have a good meai
You can do whatever...
So, tomorrow, man, you ready?
Game's changed a lot since we last played.
I still see the ball. I still hit the ball.
All day.
But I do miss playin'.
I know I always said I didn't, but I do.
Ain't nothin' like hittin' in the major leagues.
Bein' a part of that great tradition.
I never felt that type of respect
that I felt on the ball field.
That kind of attention.
Oh, shoot, that reminds me.
You got a call this afternoon.
Some ad-agency guy from New York.
Endorsement?
Was it Reebok?
It's not Reebok.
Adidas or Nike?
Viagra.
What?
Viagra, man. You'd be the spokesman.
I ain't gonna be no damn spokesman for no Viagra.
I can still swing my bat, Bo.
SCHEMBRI: Are we ready to roll here?
Okay, the Milwaukee Brewers
are pleased to be able to help a member of the Brewer family
reclaim his rightful place in baseball history.
So it is with great pride that I introduce to you
the once and future Mr. 3000, Stan Ross.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Schembri, and the Milwaukee Brewers organization.
And I promise, it won't be like last time
when I'm in front of the microphone
with all that cussin' and shit, you know?
- Hey, Stan. - Yes?
Is this only about getting back to 3,000 hits,
or do you believe you can help make the Brewers
more competitive on the field?
How could I not make them more competitive?
Let me be a little polite here.
The Milwaukee Brewers are weak.
- MAN: Here we go. - Who they got?
They're a Little League team. You all know it. They need me.
How do you think you'll adjust to the contemporary game?
You ever heard of Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes?
Earth, Wind & Fire?
Some things just always play well.
A little "old school" is what this team needs.
- You nervous? - What if you don't hit?
What's that?
I said, "What if you don't hit?"
If all this talk is just talk
and it becomes obvious you're hurting the team,
will you take yourself out of the lineup?
I said I'm gonna hit.
When I say I'm gonna do something, I do it.
That's not always how it works.
Well, it is for me.
Not the way I remember.
Maybe you remember something you thought I said I was gonna do,
but didn't say I was gonna do it,
'cause I cold-blood do everything I say I'm gonna do.
[Laughs] Is that the way you were raised?
Straight up and down, like 6:00.
So what does your mama think about this comeback foolishness?
Why are we getting on this Mama stuff?
Okay, that's it for today, folks.
Thank you very much.
MAN: Just get one more question.
Get in line.
You really nailed him on that one.
Maureen.
Hey.
What you doing here?
What do you think? I'm covering the story for ESPN.
Uh-huh. Why you, though?
[Scoffs] They sent me.
Just by chance, you ain't here to see me?
No, I'm on assignment.
They asked me to cover a story, so I'm covering it, period.
I'll see you at the ball park.
Mo, Mo, Mo, Mo. Wait, wait.
How about an exclusive?
See?
You and me?
Huh? [Laughing]
You think you'll get three hits in your first three at-bats
and get this thing over with?
Come on, Mo, I'm 47 years old.
It'll probably take me maybe four at-bats.
You're one of a kind, Stan Ross. Thank you for sitting with us.
Good luck tonight.
Thank you.
That's it. Thanks, guys. That's a wrap.
- That wasn't too bad, was it? - That was great.
After I get my hits today, you want to come by and celebrate?
You know, you better keep your mind on the game, Mr. 3000.
You thinkin', eh?
Well, we'll see in a few hours, won't we?
Stan, you da man.
Livin' legend, baby.
Yes, sir, all you got to do is walk up in there
and take those youngsters to school.
Hey, oh, good. Buddy, come here.
Help me out, please, with the zipper.
- Hey, can you give me a hand? - You best mean a handshake.
Wait a minute. You're Stan Ross.
Stan! Stan! Huge fan. You gotta help me out.
You gotta unzip me.
I'm gonna tell my buddies. "Stan Ross unzipped my pants."
You crazy.
Oh, crazy? Thinkin' I'm crazy?
Where is he? Stan, Stan, Stan, Stan.
Let me tell you something. I am crazy!
Crazy for asking you to give me a hand!
[Rock music plays]
WOMAN: Yeah, good luck on tonight's game.
Now, this shit is all right.
Uh-huh, sound effects could be a little bit louder
when a brother hit.
That shit should sound like a cannon!
Mr. Ross.
I'm Rick, the clubhouse assistant.
Just Stan. I'm just Stan.
All right. That's your locker over there.
MAN ON TELEVISION: The Arizona Diamondbacks
and the Milwaukee Brewers.
Go ahead, man, it's in my locker.
- I'm Stan Ross. - I know very well who you are.
I grew up watching your excellent play on television.
You are hero to many young Japanese players.
But you have hole in your ass.
Hole in my ass?
- What's his problem? - That's Fukuda.
He was taught English in school in Japan,
but they never taught him to cuss worth a damn.
But why he cuss me out? I never did nothin' to him.
Brother, you're looking at 25 Little Leaguers in here
who want to give you an ass-whupping.
Oh, 6-3! 6-3, man!
6-4.
You're right, 6-4. I was trying to cheat.
Minadeo, Skillett. Second and short.
They'll go at it over anything.
What are you talking about? No! That's half out.
- It all got to be in. - It half went in.
It has to go in, all of it.
You're always trying to pull this.
What do you say, Grandpa? Does that count?
Grandpa?
- MAN: Here it is. - Uh-oh. Lineup!
Base hit, dinner's on me.
Ah, yes! Now batting leadoff.
Skills that pay the bills. [Laughs]
Whoo!
Was Panas here yet back when you were playing?
Yeah, he was here.
I don't think I was one of his favorites.
Stan Ross, you bat eighth! Ha ha!
Eighth? That's for banjo hitters.
Man, I never batted lower than fifth in my life.
You bat that now, you son of my dick.
Son of my dick?
Hey, what size you swinging over there, Old School?
34 ounce, like I always have.
You sure you can still get around with that at your age?
Don't you worry about me.
I've been swinging this thing sweet
before you knew which side of the bat was the good end.
Whoo!
Yeah, I swing a 36 myself.
Yeah, that's big talk.
I got a hammer my damn self.
Whew.
Come on, Coach.
MAN: Ross, you suck!
How's it feel, Stan?
How about an interview after the game?
Come on, now, don't distract me when I'm hittin'.
Hitting's my business.
- That's what I'm talkin' about. - Lookin' good, Stan.
MAN: Stan! Still the Wizard of Wood!
Bingo.
Oh, yeah.
I'm about to take care of business.
[Organ music plays]
CROWD: Charge!
ANNOUNCER: Bottom of the third, and the cheers you hear,
and the boos, for that matter, are for Stan Ross.
It's the reason most of the 38,000-plus fans
are here tonight.
MAN ON P. A: First baseman, number 21, Stan Ross.
This guy throws pretty hard, Pops.
Is that right?
Well, I hit pretty hard, son.
Strike one.
Come on, Stan.
Be aggressive.
I am.
Stay focused. Keep your eye on the ball.
I'm looking dead at it.
I don't need you to tell me what to do.
Come on in.
I've been here before.
This ain't my first picnic, baby.
Ooh, Stan was a hair off
timing that big breaking ball from Hamilton.
Of course, all season, a lot of hitters,
who aren't 47 years old, have been fooled by Hamilton.
And we're the Little Leaguers?
Not so aggressive, baby.
Whew. Focus.
He playin' to you.
Let him play to you, baby. Come on.
Come on, Stan.
Come on, baby.
Strike!
ANNOUNCER: Inside fastball,
and Stan Ross is out of there on three straight pitches.
It looks like it could be a long night for the King of Swing.
What up? Welcome to "SportsCenter."
Stuart Scott with you. We got some more baseball.
Braves at Brewers. [Chuckles]
Who cares?
Well, Stan Ross cares.
The first week at bat
was a lot like the first week out of the womb for Stan.
A lot of drooling and a lot of just flailing around
for the erstwhile King of Swing.
Let's check out the highlights.
Well, Stan the man more like Stan the statue,
just chillin' at a curve for strike one.
Next pitch. Now, wait a second.
What was it that Stan said about the rest of his team?
The Milwaukee Brewers are weak.
Who they got?
They're a Little League team.
They need me.
Uh-huh. Little Leaguers, huh?
Well, my 9-year-old has a better swing
and better eyes than that.
Oh! Just chillin' at a called strike three,
and, well, that'll get you some halitosis action.
Yeah, when you get just a little too close to the umpire.
Stan's not done. He decided to do a little spring cleaning.
Either that, or he just wants to symbolize
how well he's been playing.
Yeah, garbage!
Now, I'm not gonna say that every Brewer but Stan had a hit,
but I am gonna say that every Brewer but Stan that played
had a hit.
Our Maureen Simmons was at the game and had postgame duty.
Not the day Stan Ross or the Milwaukee fans had in mind.
Word around the organization is that manager Gus Panas
is particularly unhappy having Ross back in the lineup.
Apparently he hasn't forgotten the way Stan abandoned the team
in the middle of the pennant race nine years ago.
Stuart.
The press is having a field day.
Hey, they're just getting even with Stan
for all those years of abuse.
For turning this team into a laughingstock.
Five games and hasn't gotten close to a hit.
How long do we let this go on?
We got 35,000 people in the park today.
We're committed to this.
Whether Stan Ross ever gets another hit or not.
You sure you don't want anything stronger than club soda?
Oh, no, I'm good.
Thanks, Boca.
Why you call him Boca?
Look at him.
He look like he's ready for Boca Raton with them tracksuits.
Stan don't appreciate my velour.
That's all he wears.
Mo, I swear, he has a black one for funerals.
Just comin' from me, I think my man
take his old Reebok endorsement deal a little too serious.
- Hey, a lifetime supply. - That's why I love you.
- No, that's why I love you. - No, I love you more.
No, I love you more.
No, no, I started the love.
And your life's been richer ever since.
I hear you.
Nice to see you again, Mo.
Mm, you too, Tony.
So, you hire a fancy decorator to help you do this place?
Girl, you need to quit fightin'.
You know doggone well
you thought I was gonna be old and tired when I quit the game.
- I never thought about it. - You thought it.
But I got news for you.
I own this place, and I own all the stores next door.
3000 Suds, 3000 Woks, and 3000 Beeps.
That's why you're comin' back. So all them names make sense.
Sister, you know why I'm comin' back.
'Cause I deserve to be in the Hall of Fame with the immortals.
You know, you really shouldn't word it like that.
- Is that right? - Mm-hmm.
- What? - Oh, you know what.
You better hush.
You eatin' that steak. Let me see something.
- Come here. Flex. - Mnh-mnh.
Mo, Mo, baby, look at you. Come on, Mo.
Look at you, Mo.
Oho!
And quick still.
You gonna eat this?
You sure got time to eat.
Baby, you hungrier than a hostage.
Ooh, take a bite out of crime.
That killed me there, I'll tell ya.
I thought the lady must have...
Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.
You don't train no more. You don't drink no more.
What's up with that?
'Cause I remember you used to drink
half the American League underneath the table.
I realized I had to start cuttin' loose
from those things that weren't getting me anywhere.
- Where you need to be gettin'? - On with my life.
We don't stay young forever.
Come on. You know we're young enough.
Ooh, I don't think so, Mr. Ross.
Come on, I know you remember what it was like.
You can't say we didn't have something special.
Good night.
What about Kansas City? That was a mind-blowing weekend.
You mean to tell me you forgot about that?
Bye-bye.
Cleveland,
when I had your toenails poppin' off like Redenbacher.
- Bye. - Come on, how about Toronto?
[Tires screech]
God.
- Uh-huh. - Oh.
- Come on, say it. - Come on, now.
You know I didn't expect you in Toronto.
You know how those Canadian groupies are.
- Come on, now. - You know what?
Don't give me that crap.
You're a selfish man. You always were.
Okay, if you so upset, why was you willing to get back with me?
We got together for a night,
but I didn't stay for breakfast, did I?
We'd still be doin' it if you didn't take that ESPN gig.
When there's a better offer on the table, you gotta take it.
I'll pay for it.
- Bye-bye. - [Tires screech]
ANNOUNCER: The count is 1-1 on the second baseman Minadeo.
Brewers down by 4.
Runner at first.
They sure could use a little spark here.
Glickman now on the mound, working from the stretch.
Throws to first and picked him off.
Skillett is caught napping.
When is this ball club going to wake up?
Another mistake.
Minadeo steps back in.
Here's the wind and the pitch.
Swung on, a one-hopper back to the mound.
He bobbles it, but what's Minadeo doing?
He's not running. Now they pick it up.
The throw to first, and he's out.
- Aah! - Come on!
STAN: Look at that.
There should be a man on first and second right now.
But easy, Gus. Don't get excited.
I don't want you to pop no blood vessel.
What you-all havin', prayer?
ANNOUNCER: The only shining star on the team these days
is their strapping young outfielder, T-Rex Pennebaker.
But even his impressive power numbers
have done little to stop the Brewers' losing streak.
Pennebaker digs in.
And here's the windup and the pitch.
Swung on and a deep, deep drive to left field.
It's going, going.
It is gone!
4-1.
Yet another bases-empty home run for T-Rex Pennebaker.
What the hell is that?
That right there?
That's a little somethin' for "SportsCenter."
Plus, that's gonna look tight in next year's video game.
What the hell you call yourself doin'?
Yo, I'm puttin' the show in the show.
But your team losin'.
Instead of playin', you makin' like Mr. Bojangles.
I just hit a home run, son.
Maybe you was takin' a grandpa nap during that part.
But your team gettin' picked off.
Your boys ain't beatin' out grounders.
There should've been two men on when you hit that homer.
It should be a ball game right now.
So yell at them, Old School.
Get up out of my face. I did my job.
You the superstar.
You set the tone.
Listen here.
When you get a base hit in this millennium,
then you can come on down there and talk to me.
Is that right?
Yeah, that's right.
Hey, Stan, you think that diaper's affecting your swing?
Maybe you should use something lighter.
How about a Wiffle bat? [Laughs]
How 'bout I shove my Hall of Fame bat
up the crack of your mascot ass?
Make you a hot dog on a stick, bitch.
Yeah? I might be a sausage with teeth,
but you sure as hell ain't no Hall of Famer.
- If you disrespect - What?
Everybody that you run into
STAN: Looks familiar?
Familiar?
You ain't changed nothin' since back in the day.
In fact, I don't think you even vacuumed.
Well, why mess with perfection?
Oh, I can think of a lot of descriptions
for this couch, and "perfection" ain't one of 'em.
[Laughs]
What's the deal there?
How come I hardly see you on "SportsCenter" anymore?
You know.
They got some pretty young thing they tryin' to groom.
That's bull. They can't treat you like that.
I remember once upon a time I pushed out the 40-year-old.
I been playin' this game long enough to know how it goes.
But I've been lookin' ahead toward it, you know?
I'm gonna start producing next year.
- I'm goin' behind the camera. - Oh, you go, girl.
Like I've been telling you, you can't beat Father Time.
Well, how come you really haven't settled down?
The right man wasn't right.
[Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" plays]
I've been reaiiy trying, baby
What's the matter with you?
That's my song.
Trying to hoid back this feeiing for so iong
Come on, bump with me. Don't leave me hangin'.
Come on. I need you, now.
Don't leave me hangin'. Come on.
Come on out here.
All right, only 'cause I like this song, too.
- Not 'cause I like you. - I'll take it.
- Whoo, iet's get it on - Come on.
Oh, baby
Let's get it on
- Hey. - Let's iove, baby
- Let's get it on - [Chuckles]
Still got it, girl.
Sugar
- Let's get it on - Still got it.
- Stan. - Yeah, baby?
Honey, stop chasing the butt.
You know what, Mo?
The best sex I ever had was with you.
- What? - Yeah.
You had girls in every city in baseball.
It wasn't the best.
Why is that? We do it longer?
Not really.
More positions, then?
I ain't goin' there.
Mm-hmm.
More times a night?
Oh, you still hold the record.
I don't know, baby. I guess I like the rest of it.
The rest of it? What's left?
Well, you know.
I like the sleepin' and the talkin'
and hangin' out and stuff like that.
Giving yourseif to me
- Can never be wrong - But that's not sex.
It is to me.
No, it's not sex.
What you call that, then?
Ooh-ooh
Now, don't you know
How sweet and wonderfui iife can be?
Ooh-ooh
i'm asking you
Before we go too far, I can't spend the night.
- Why not? - Early flight.
Where you got to go?
I got three games before we go on the road.
- But I got to get back. - You got to get...
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you givin' up on me, Mo?
- What you got to say? - I don't have a say.
I just go where I'm assigned.
You tell 'em I'm startin' to swing the bat good again?
I'm just a reporter.
I don't make the news or decide what is the news.
- You're givin' up on me, too. - Mnh-mnh.
You just got to make the news, baby.
- Start hittin' that ball. - Come on.
- What? - Come on.
You want to go up? Stay down? What?
No.
I'm not in the mood right now.
You...
You're kiddin'. You're not in the mood?
- No. - Oh, come on, baby.
No, I got a headache.
Really? You gonna tell me you got cramps, too?
Maybe.
You know...
Whatever.
[Laughs]
All right, now. I'm leavin'.
Lord, just when I thought I'd seen it all.
[Door closes]
T-REX: When you get a base hit in this millennium,
then you can come on down...
STAN: I can still swing my bat.
MO: You think you'll get three hits
in your first three at-bats?
[Indistinct talking]
SCOTT: More like Stan the statue.
T-REX: When you get a base hit...
MO: You just got to make the news, baby.
Start hittin' that ball.
MAN: One, two, three strikes, you're out!
Oh, bat boy.
Ooh, ooh, a little testy. A little testy.
Anybody have a Stan Ross rookie card?
[Scattered cheers]
Quite valuable.
If you look on the back, you'll see it's written in Latin.
You see, very old.
Very old card. It's on parchment.
- [Channel changes] - He's now 0-27 in his comeback.
At what point, Peter, does the rust come off?
I'm not sure it does.
Remember, Jim Palmer tried to come back
after he was in the Hall of Fame,
and he kept himself in better shape than Ross.
Why does the media hate this guy so much?
He's a jerk.
Because T-Rex is the best in power and performance.
Find it at Radio Shack.
Radio Shack. You've got questions.
We've got answers.
'Cause I want my hits that got stolen from me.
Those hits are my ticket to the Hall of Fame.
He's not going to the Hall of Fame!
You think three hits are keeping you out?
3,000 hits, baby, it's automatic.
Look at me.
You're 47 years old. You're fat. You're out of shape.
Favorite portion of the show, the comedy portion.
I'm gonna say it here,
the woman that puts on the sausage outfit
that races around Miller Park
has got a better chance of getting a hit than Stan Ross.
- [Audience jeering] - That's not fair, Tom.
He's a black athlete.
Black athletes age slower.
George Foreman didn't know when to get out.
Mike Tyson didn't know when to get out.
Michael Jordan struggled, and he was only out two years.
This guy hasn't played since I was married to my first wife.
It just isn't possible to get out of his day.
He's a bad teammate.
- Stan Ross was a great athlete. - Stan is all about Stan.
The Brewers knew what they were getting into.
It's a publicity stunt,
just like when the White Sox hired that midget.
Tom, you can't say "midget."
He's small. That guy was small for a friggin' midget.
It's like if the Red Sox thawed out Ted Williams,
although he'd hit better than Stan.
Listen, Stan's playing like he's frozen.
Stan is embarrassing. He's embarrassing me.
He's embarrassing him. He should give it up.
But when an athlete gets to that point, he loses all his pride.
Yeah, you're making me cry. I don't think he's embarrassed.
I think he's having a party at his place,
got bitches all around and counting all his money.
I don't think Stan cares.
MAN: Wrong! He's embarrassed.
He used to be able to hit, cannot hit now.
SALLE Y: Very embarrassing,
especially with all the bitches he got around.
[Television turns off]
Hey, Boca.
You think I should quit?
Do your thing, man.
You think?
I'm just saying.
Yeah, you're right.
I got three home games against the Astros
before we go on the road.
I'm gonna play those games, and that's it.
If I don't get a hit, it's over.
I'm not goin' on the road.
What you think, Boca?
Do your thing, man.
You think?
I'm just saying.
Yeah.
You're right.
You want to get married?
You the only one that love me. I'm serious.
I've been waitin' 20 years for you to ask me that.
And now that you have, I don't know.
Yeah, you right.
Okay, Erica Kane.
Dog, come on. "All My Children."
You need to step up the degree of difficulty, brother.
Asa Buchanan.
- That's ABC, right? - I ain't telling you nothing.
- Oh! "One Life to Live." - Yeah.
- Okay, I got one. - Come on.
Don Roberto.
Oh, that's the dude with the cologne.
- "Guiding Light." - [Laughs]
- What? - Wrong!
It's "Amigas y Rivales."
No, we're not doing Spanish shows, man.
[Speaking Spanish]
I don't know what you're saying.
What the hell they doing?
Seeing who can name the soaps.
You known me for two years.
- Have I ever spoke Spanish? - Hey.
Why don't you have a contest guessin' which team losin'?
- Stupid. - MAN: Come on, Stan.
Get a hit, Grandpa.
Strike!
[Organ music plays]
CROWD: Charge!
WOMAN: Come on, Brewers!
- Oh! - Strike three!
He tucks his arm in on the curve.
MAN ON P. A: Number 21, Stan Ross.
Out!
You see that? Hey, Skillett!
You see that?
I was all over that nickel curve ball.
T-REX: Looked like a groundout to me.
Say what, partner?
I said, "It looked like a groundout to me."
You don't see it.
He tipped his pitch, and I called it.
Koron, how long has this pitcher been in the league?
- Two years. - Two years, man!
He's showin' his pitch, and he don't know it.
Watch his right arm.
His elbow go in like this. He grip the ball.
He throwin' a curve ball.
Dip, grip, curve ball.
Come on, man!
Skillett!
Come on, baby!
Come on!
ANNOUNCER: Runners lead away,
and Fukuda working from the stretch.
The pitch, and a swing and a solid line-drive single
to left field.
And another run scores.
The Astros in a position now to break this game wide-open.
Hey!
You okay?
I don't want Panas to take me out.
I had a few bad outings in a row,
and if I don't get my face out my ass and get out this inning,
I know the team is going to give me the shoe.
Give you the shoe?
Yeah, the shoe.
Look, don't be thinkin' negative out here, okay?
Just keep the ball low and away. We'll get you out the inning.
Then I'm gonna work on your cussin'.
Come on.
Let's go, baby. Let's go.
MAN ON P. A: Shortstop, number 3, Cecil Gervis.
ANNOUNCER: Gervis, with a 6-game hitting streak, at the plate.
Fukuda checks his sign.
The right-hander from the stretch,
checks the runners now, and here's the pitch.
A big swing and a slow roller towards short.
Skillett charges. His only play is to first.
He's safe. The bases are loaded.
- And Ross is hot. - That's the third out!
That's the third damn out!
Ray Charles could've called that call!
Last warning.
Damn you, man!
Be with me.
Just be with me.
Come on, let's go.
Let's go!
Two out!
I don't know why I bothered comin' back.
You can't play. You definitely can't ump.
You need to relax before you pop a valve.
- You need to sit your ass down. - Yeah? Why's that?
- Because you out! - He's out!
Right here. Right here, baby!
Grab some, bitch!
Whoomp, there it is!
CROWD: Let's go, Brewers, let's go.
STAN: Their man keep throwing curve balls. That's all he got.
He lost his slider. He lost his fastball.
Curve ball. Curve ball.
Watch this. Watch this.
Watch. Here you go.
What'd I tell you? What'd I...
- Curve ball. - Listen to what I'm telling you.
If he throw another curve ball,
I'm gonna slap the shit out of T-Rex.
Watch him. Watch. Watch. Watch him.
Yes! Curve ball!
Groovin'
Ain't no stopping us now
Groovin'
Aah, what'd I tell you?
What'd I tell you, baby?
Yo, what are you jawin' about now, Old School?
He tipped his pitch. You saw it.
Are you still talking about that weak-ass ground ball?
Yeah, I'm talking about it.
All right, let me tell you something, man.
All right? I hit 43 home runs.
43 home runs before you ever even got here, man.
So I don't need none of that.
So save it!
- T-Rex. - T-Rex.
It's the 31 st time you've homered but your team's lost.
Does that get to you?
My team lost, huh?
You know what, man?
This ain't my team.
If this was my team,
these fools would be hittin' home runs like I'm hittin'.
And they'd be stealin' bases like I'm out there stealin'.
I'm the only one out there gettin' mine.
What the rest of these fools doin'?
They ain't doin' crap! Talk about a team!
We go out there every day, but there ain't no nine guys.
This is me up in here. There's eight other cats...
STAN: Whoa!
Boy, that pup sound just like me back in the day, I swear.
Boy, I'm tellin' you.
But you didn't catch the real story on tonight's game.
No, come here. Let me ask you a question.
MAN: Move it over there.
When was the last time you saw a 47-year-old man
end an inning with the hidden-ball trick, huh?
Is that the first time you pulled that off in a game?
Are the Brewers goin' to the World Series?
It was 1989, against the Mariners.
Yo, T-Rex.
Hold up.
You know why I stepped in tonight with them reporters?
Yeah.
You can't stand to see another brother gettin' some attention.
- Boy, that's what you think? - Yeah, man, that's what I think.
Let me tell you something.
You keep talking about your teammates the way you do,
boastin' about yourself, you're gonna end up all by yourself.
All alone and empty, like you are right now.
You know what's gonna happen?
They're gonna retire your number someday,
and Big Horse Berelli gonna be standin' up there with you.
[Scoffs] Yeah? Who the hell is Big Horse Berelli?
That's my point exactly.
Nice car.
[Whistling "Mister Softee" tune]
ANNOUNCER: He's picking up his stride,
blowing away the competition.
Looks like the bratwurst is getting smoked.
No pun intended, kids.
Looks like number 3, the Italian sausage, has won the race.
Now batting, first baseman, number 21, Stan Ross.
Come on, man.
CROWD: Charge!
Ha!
Yeah! [Laughs] Whoo!
Hey, Stan!
Yeah
Hey
When you wish upon a star
Dreams wiii take you very far
Yeah
CROWD: [Chanting] Stan! Stan!
No matter who you are
Shining bright to see
What you can truiy be
You're a shining star
No matter who you are
Shining bright to see
What you can truiy be
You're a shining star
Yo, listen up, y'all.
Yo! Yo!
Listen up!
That was a good game, y'all.
Hey, Stan Ross.
I got one question for you, man.
Yo, man, what the hell was you thinkin'?
[Laughter]
Y'all saw Old Man River
swimmin' all up in the dirt for a hit today!
Yo, but listen, man.
How many games we got left in this season?
KORON: 11.
11 games left, y'all.
And how many games out of third place are we?
7.
7 games.
We're only 7 games out, y'all.
Now, I don't see a damn reason
why we should settle for being in fifth place, yo!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
So let's get it together, and let's do this like it's October!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
Hey! Let's get a "Brewers" on three!
Brewers on three!
- 1, 2, 3! - ALL: Brewers!
- 1, 2, 3! - Brewers!
Ohh, but listen.
I'm on third base, right?
Nolan Ryan looking at me like he want to kill me, right?
Boca's getting ready to bunt. The manager didn't call it.
But I know Boca's a ballplayer.
He's the real deal. Plus, I know what he thinkin'.
Yeah, he was thinkin' that I was thinkin' what he was thinkin'.
Well, I'm ready to sprint towards home.
As I'm tearin' down the line,
Boca decided he wanted to swing away.
I wasn't thinkin'.
Man, wasn't thinkin'!
I mean, hit a screamin' liner right past my head.
All I heard...
Oh, hold on, fellas.
Hold on.
Uh-oh.
- Da-da-dah, da-da-dah! - ["SportsCenter" theme plays]
So, you're the story again.
Still mad at me?
Hmm?
Nah.
I'm hittin' now.
I've been reaiiy trying, baby
Trying to hoid back this feeiing
- For so iong - Mmmm.
And if you feei iike i feei, baby
Come on
Oh, come on
See, this is the part I'm talkin' about.
Let's get it on
- Oh, baby - [Sighs]
Let's get it on
- Let's iove, baby - Yeah.
- Let's get it on - Well...
Hey, where you goin'?
[Sighs] I gotta go.
You gotta go where?
I just gotta go.
What's up?
Look, Stan, it was just sex, right?
I mean, best sex I ever had, too, but that's all it was.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What about the sleepin', talkin', and hangin' out part?
- What about that? - That's your idea of sex.
Hold on. A man could be wrong.
You said it wasn't sex. I'm just trying to go with that.
It was really nice, Stan.
Wait. Let me talk to you for a minute.
- Oh, oh, hold on now. - What?
Wait, look.
Look.
What?
I was thinkin' about that producer.
The behind-the-camera stuff you was talkin' about.
And I'm just wonderin'.
Ain't that something you can do here in Milwaukee?
Stan.
[Laughing] Stan.
Stan, you're being very sweet.
But we both know that you ain't never been serious enough
to go bringin' up something like that.
So I'll see you at the ball park.
Slugger.
Oh
Get yourseif together
Or we might as weii say goodbye
What good is a iove affair
When we can't see eye to eye, hey
if you don't know me by now
["Take Me Out to the Ball Game" plays]
- Hey, Stan. - Yo.
- Say, "1, 2, 3, go." - 1, 2, 3, go.
Take me out to the baii game, take me out with the crowd
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack
i don't care if i ever get back
Yo, yo!
Come on, with that noise. I'm tryin' to watch a game.
What are you talkin' about, papi?
This song is baseball.
That ain't no real baseball song.
You want to hear a real baseball song?
Da da-da-da da da da
Da-da-da-da da da da
Da-da-da da-da da-da
Da-da-da-da da da da
Da da da da-da-da
Da da-da da da
- Da-da-da da-da da-da - What the hell is that?
What? Man, let me tell you something.
When I was a kid on South Side Chicago,
we used to play baseball
when we got out of school till it got dark,
when you couldn't see your hand in front of your face.
I used to play center field,
and every single day, man, Mister Softee ice-cream truck
used to park right behind me and play that damn song.
- Told you! - Da-da-da da-da
Yo! Hey, yo!
Yo! Yo! Yo!
Fellas, come on, now. We got a game goin' on out here.
Come on, we got a shot at third place.
You're right.
Besides, dog, that was wack!
Fairmount Park, Philly, son.
We had that Good Humor truck.
And this is what baseball music sounds like.
Da-da-da ska-da-da da-da
Da-da-da-da-da da da
Ska-da-da da-da da
- Boo! - Boo!
Da da da da da-da-da-da
That's why you're not playin' today, 'cause of that song.
You're wrong for that. Don't make no errors.
It was wrong the way I quit on the team back then.
I was young, Skip.
I was young.
MAN ON P. A: Now batting, shortstop, number 46,
Thurman Yost.
Mow him down, Fu!
Hit it!
Yeah!
It takes two to make a thing go right
it takes two to make it out of sight
it takes two to make a thing go right
it takes two to make it out of sight
- Hit it - i want to rock right now
i'm Rob Base, and i came to get down
i'm not internationaiiy known
But i'm known to rock the microphone
Because i get stupid, i mean outrageous
Stay away from me if you're contagious
'Cause i'm the winner, i'm not the ioser
To be an emcee is what i choose-a
Son of a...
- Bitch. - Good. Good. Good.
After the game, we pick up a...
Beyatch.
That's pimp stuff.
Kiss my...
- Black ass! - No, don't get personal.
Don't get personal.
No, no, no.
- I didn't mean it. - I know.
Stan's batting average in 1985.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
- .327. - Yeah.
Yeah, okay. Okay, my turn.
Stan Ross' RBls in 1981.
- 91. - Oh, no, 93!
Bullcrap! Let me see that. Yeah, right.
- Crap! - 93.
- Let's play again. - I don't want to play.
- You don't want to play? - We got a game. Get serious.
You're a sore loser. You know what?
Crybaby!
He's such a crybaby.
- Strike! - Oh!
Uhh!
ANNOUNCER: Game tied at 4.
Just one out and the winning run at third base.
The Astro infield moving in.
And here comes Stan Ross.
He could win the game here with a long fly ball,
but you can bet that's not what he's thinking.
Infield tight, hitter's delight.
A great chance to get hit number 2,999.
T-REX: Come on, y'all. Here we go, Stan.
Be a hitter, baby. Be a hitter.
Come on, just drive the man in. A good fly ball, okay?
And here comes the pitch.
He swings, and it's a high fly ball to right.
It's carrying well.
It's to the warning track.
To the wall!
It is gone!
A home run!
Whoo!
Stan Ross touches them all.
I don't believe it.
Aah!
Whoa, i feei good
- i knew that i wouid, now - Aaaah!
Ow!
Feei good
Huh? Who's the old man, baby?
- Who's the old man, baby? - 21!
Who's the old man, baby? Huh?
I got your "old man," baby.
I got your "old man."
Way to go, Stan.
I gave 'em they money worth tonight.
Outstanding. You feel good?
- I feel great. - You look great.
You looked like a champion out there.
- Let me paint you a picture. - Go ahead.
Miller Park, standing room only.
- Got that? - I got it.
43,000 screaming fans,
and they're there for one reason and one reason only.
To watch the legendary Stan Ross step to the plate and dig in.
Shoot, that ain't no picture. That's a damn Rembrandt.
I agree, and that's why I'm telling Gus
not to play you on the road.
Hold on, man. Chill out, baby.
What are you talking about? Man, we're on a roll.
We're going for third place.
You're one hit away from making history, Stan.
Don't you think you owe it to the fans to do it here at home?
Hmm?
I don't know. You're takin' half my at-bats away.
Although I hit a home run, I'm still 2 for 51.
2 for 58!
Stan Ross is at the piate, the fans, they sit and wait
Look, what I'm sayin' is, don't cut me out.
The team need me. Come on, now.
Stan, you heard the sausage. You're 2 for 58.
The team doesn't need you to get third place.
They're on fire! Come on, let's face it.
But you, my friend,
you have got to start thinking about life after baseball.
I'm talking endorsements, product lines.
A Stan Ross candy bar.
I want you doing press all week long on the road, Stan.
You pull this off,
nothing's gonna keep you out of the Hall of Fame.
You're a champion.
Hey, Stan, Tom Arnold here. Congratulations on everything.
The team's on a tear. You won seven in a row.
You guys could finish third.
Are you really talking to us from the clubhouse?
Well, they're not gonna play me until I come home,
so I might as well do something else with my time.
Stan, how does it feel not to be playing right now?
It don't feel good, especially the way I've been swinging,
but that's Skip's decision.
I have to go with it because, as you say,
we got a chance to make third place.
And they were in fifth place when you got there.
I finally got them playin' patented Stan Ross baseball.
Okay, Stan.
Stan Ross, at 47, the oldest man to homer in the major leagues.
How's it feel?
To tell you the truth, we never thought you could do it,
and some of us hoped you wouldn't,
so we owe you an apology big-time.
Well, it takes a big man to admit when he wrong,
but like my teammate Kenji Fukuda taught me to say...
[Speaking Japanese]
What the hell is he talking about?
- Stan. - What does the future hold?
- Yeah, Stan. - What about number 3,000?
What game are you gonna get this hit in?
I think I'm gonna get it on the next at-bat.
You got another homer left in you?
Keep your popcorn by your side 'cause it's comin'.
[Laughter]
- Stan Ross. - Is it gonna be a home run?
The faster you throw it in, the quicker it's goin' out.
- [Laughs] - Hey, Stan.
I hope you weren't listening to the trash
we were talking about you before you hit your groove.
Tom, you wouldn't be where you are if it wasn't for Roseanne.
You know what?
That would have hurt if it wasn't true.
Stan Ross.
Hey, girl, you been watchin'?
The whole world loves me again, baby.
Stan Ross, the King of Swing.
Sweetheart, I'm goin' national.
You know, you're starting to sound like the old Stan.
No, you're gettin' the best of both worlds.
The old and the new Stan Ross.
Team player, baby.
So after you go national with all this press,
what's left for me?
I'm gonna tell you what's left for you.
I'm gonna give you a special exclusive.
You meet me at the ball park Thursday morning at 9:00.
Just you, me, and the team.
I called a practice on my day off on our last home stand.
Wait a minute.
Stan Ross called for an extra practice?
Now, I never thought I'd live to see this day.
I guess you are getting a little serious, huh?
Maybe I'm gettin' serious about you.
I'll see you at practice.
Baby, you owe it to yourself.
Bye.
Oh, boy.
What you gonna do?
Whoo!
- Hey, hey! - How you doin', dog?
Hey, Stan, go get your hit this Saturday, man.
I got tickets for that one.
No, I got tickets for tomorrow!
You save the stubs, boys and girls,
because I'm going deep every game,
and they all gonna be collector's items.
You-all watch and see.
Come here. I got a new idea. Listen.
I got a new PlayStation game, "Hall of Fame Baseball,"
where I get a chance to hit against those pitchers
that were dead before I was born,
like Walter Johnson and Christy Mathewson,
and that candy-ass Cy Young.
- [Laughs] - Well, you draw up the plans.
You got a call an hour ago from "The Tonight Show."
They want you on there tomorrow.
I'm on a roll, man. I'm tellin' you.
- That's big-time exposure. - Here's the hook.
They want you at the studio at 9:00.
That's cool.
But you got that extra practice.
That's one practice. One practice.
I'm talking about Jay Leno. That's bigger than the game.
[Cheers and applause]
LENO: Stan Ross, come on out here!
[Cheers and applause]
What's up?
What's up, baby?
All on, baby.
Have a seat.
All right.
Team Brewer is on a roll, making a push for third place.
Ha ha, baby, I'm on a roll, too, Jay.
I'm on a roll, too.
I'm sure to stay on that roll,
what, are you taking the Ensure every day?
- [Audience jeers] - Is it once a day?
And then you have a sensible meal for dinner.
I can do anything a 20-year-old can do.
Any doggone thing, baby.
- Anything, huh? - Show you right.
Show you right. And I can do it all night.
Dave?
Yeah, there's a large black man hitting on your wife.
- Yeah, show you right. - What's next?
I started my own little stuff right here.
Check this out. Look at that.
- My own little candy. - "Ross Bar."
Get a shot of that one.
That is the most ratty-ass candy bar I've ever seen.
It's a piece of loose-leaf paper you wrote "Ross Bar" on.
- It's a prototype. - Oh, the prototype.
You gotta start somewhere.
- You know, I'm an entrepreneur. - [Laughter]
Once you get over the initial modesty, I think you'll be fine.
You talkin' to the ladies' pet the men regret.
- [Cheers] - I'm Stan Ross.
What's my name, baby?
AUDIENCE: Stan Ross!
- They call me what? - The boss!
- Because I... - Pay the cost!
- Because I'm... - Stan Ross!
Turn it up, baby!
Stan Ross. Be right back right after this.
Don't go away.
[Cheers and applause]
Yes, sir.
Boca! Yo, Bo!
Did you see me, baby? Ha ha.
Jay and I did our thing. That ain't no ESPN.
I'm talkin' big-time.
Hey. Hey, baby.
Don't you "baby" me.
I went to the park this morning, and you weren't there.
Your entire team was there, and you're a no-show.
Well, I mean...
"Well?" Didn't you call for the practice?
Besides letting down your teammates,
you told me I could interview you.
Well, interview me now. Come on, turn the camera on.
It's not like I'm hiding from you.
I'll come right around. That ain't nothin'.
Shoot.
Come on, baby.
All right, forget this. I'll freestyle it.
- Mark, Steve, are you ready? - You didn't ask if I'm ready.
- You always ready. - Let me get on that side.
You can see the balls. It looks better.
- Hey, how you doin'? - All right.
Good.
[Clears throat] Come on, baby.
I'm here with Hall of Famer hopeful Stan Ross,
who is now just one hit
from reclaiming his cherished 3,000 career hits.
But let's talk about the name "Mr. 3000."
Fit just right, doesn't it?
Why is there so much emphasis on the name?
Why do you care so much about it?
Because it identifies greatness.
When you think of Mr. 3000, you think of Mr. Stan Ross,
one of the greatest hitters straight up and down.
Who were you before Mr. 3000?
Mr. 3000.
I'm just kidding.
Before that, I was a young black kid
on the South Side of Chicago, Stanley Ross, playin' baseball.
What does Stanley Ross think of Mr. 3000?
He wants his autograph.
- Really? - Really.
- What about your teammates? - They don't need it.
They get the chance to see history in the making.
Oh, okay.
So what you're saying is,
your teammates get to see your 3,000th hit,
but not potentially move into third place?
What I'm saying is,
thousands of people bought tickets this weekend,
not to see us play for third place, but to see me get my hit.
- Really? - Damn right.
It's the same reason why everybody else here.
Same reason why you here, unless you're here for something else.
Oh, okay.
You selfish son of a bitch!
- You don't want that on-camera. - No, I'm fine.
Because I'm not the one who's desperate
to live his entire life in front of the camera.
Tell them about Toronto and the history you left there.
- That's so old. - Your damn ego is so old!
It hasn't changed, Stan.
[Voice breaking] I mean, how am I supposed to think
about moving here when you can't do what you say you're gonna do?
Mo, it's only one damn practice, baby.
You know it's bigger than one practice, Stan.
But you're right.
I am here to record your history in the making.
And it's the same as it ever was.
Mo.
BOCA: You gonna run after her?
No.
I'll catch her later.
I got ball games to play.
[Laughing]
What?
- Whew. - What?
No, I'm just saying, man, that's why I love you, man.
Wait a minute. What do you mean?
[Scoffs] I'm just saying that I could always count on you
to do your thing, you know?
You're consistent. You're always driven.
And you're always for yourself.
You sayin' that's a good thing?
I'm just saying.
[Rock music plays]
Come on!
ANNOUNCER: Just two weeks ago, fans,
the Milwaukee Brewers seemed willing
to accept their perennial position
in the division cellar.
Is it more than a coincidence
that their solid defense and clutch hitting
started with Stan Ross' 2,998th hit?
While Ross was just a spectator during their last road trip,
T-Rex Pennebaker has emerged as the team leader.
We've all witnessed the mounting frustration for Ross,
who has gone hitless
in the first two games against the Astros
in this, his final home stand.
You can't help but wonder what's going through his mind
as Ross' window of opportunity
to join that elite 3,000-hit club
is about to close and close before a nationwide audience.
So, here we are. The stage is set.
A re-energized team plays for respectability,
while Stan Ross knocks on the door of baseball greatness.
Tonight, 35,000 fans witness as history unfolds
over nine innings of Brewers baseball.
Last chance to go out there and get yours.
We have a lineup change tonight.
In hopes of squeezing out an extra at-bat for Ross,
he's hitting cleanup right behind Rex Pennebaker.
MAN ON P. A: Now batting, first baseman, number 21,
Stan Ross!
ANNOUNCER: This big crowd is charged tonight.
The right-hander Norton, one of the most competitive pitchers
in the league, will do everything he can
to avoid being a footnote in baseball history.
One game, one more hit, and he has that magical 3,000.
Ball.
They're on their feet, rooting for Ross to get ahold of one,
as Norton gets his sign.
Ross puts a good swing on it.
It's deep to right field and carrying well.
Damn.
Yo, Ross! Why don't you take a seat?
You ain't gettin' that hit off me tonight!
Deal with it!
[Whistling "Mister Softee" tune]
- This guy's slider sucks. - Come on, man.
I guess somebody should have showed up to that practice.
ANNOUNCER: Home half of the fourth.
It's still a scoreless tie.
This crowd ripe with anticipation
every time Ross steps to the plate.
Ross swings.
A sharp ground ball up the middle.
Second baseman Gomez with a diving stop.
He scrambles. It's gonna be close.
He's out!
- [Booing] - Oh, my, what a close play!
From our angle, I thought he was safe.
CROWD: You're wrong!
I'm surprised Stan Ross isn't protesting the call.
[Cheering]
- That man was safe! - That man was out.
What game are you watching?
I called the man out. I'm watching the same game you are!
- We are playing for third place! - The man was out!
Don't make me run you, Gus.
You got your head so far up your ass, you didn't see the play!
- Head up my ass? - That's right! Head up your ass!
- That's what I said! - That's it! You're outta here!
You're outta here! Let me tell you something!
Get off of my field!
You're the worst umpire in this whole league!
Outta here!
You're such a jerk!
The man was safe!
The guy's out!
He was safe!
Walk him off the field!
- Get him off my field! - You were safe!
You were safe!
You were beautiful. Come on, tiger.
He was safe!
ANNOUNCER: So it boils down to the bottom of the ninth inning.
Still scoreless here in the final game of the season.
"Mr. 2999" very likely will be making
his last plate appearance of a storied big-league career.
But first the man who's become sort of Ross' protege of late,
T-Rex Pennebaker.
We've got an interesting situation here, fans.
If Pennebaker homers,
that's the game, and Ross won't get another shot.
MAN: Go, T! Come on, baby!
Come on, baby. Get on.
I'll bring you home. Come on, get on, baby.
Just get on.
And that ball is crushed.
A line drive to deep left center.
It's going, going.
It is off the base of the wall.
Pennebaker rounds first, heading for second.
And he is safe with a ringing double.
Oh, man!
He almost took the bat right out of Stan Ross' hands.
But now Ross is up with not only a chance
for his 3,000th base hit and a call from Cooperstown,
but an opportunity to drive in the winning run
and end the Brewers' season on a high note.
MAN: 3,000, baby!
All right.
Come on.
- Ball. - [Booing]
- Pitch to him. - Let's go, man.
Get your hit.
- Ball. - Pitch to me, damn it!
Reach out there and get it, then.
Reach out and get it.
ANNOUNCER: Those first two deliveries, way outside.
Ross now crowding the plate.
2 balls, no strikes.
Nothing close from Norton.
[Booing]
I'm right here!
ANNOUNCER: Here we go. This is it.
3-0, the count.
This crowd roaring,
begging Norton to challenge Ross with a decent pitch.
BOCA: I could always count on you to do your thing, you know?
You're consistent. You're always driven.
And you're always for yourself.
That's why I love you.
ANNOUNCER: Look at this!
Ross lays a sacrifice bunt up the first-base line,
and T-Rex isn't stopping at third.
Here's a throw to first base, and Ross is out.
Here comes the play.
The slide, the tag. He is safe! He is safe!
The Brewers win!
We're movin'
Groovin'
Ain't no stopping us now
Groovin'
CROWD: [Chanting] Stan! Stan! Stan! Stan!
S TAN: Corny enough for you?
Weii, it gets worse.
First off, now aii of a sudden, the press ioves me.
Took 'em iong enough, though, huh?
The Haii of Fame voted me in on the very next baiiot.
And as you can imagine, i had pienty of peopie to thank.
And oid Mo.
She decided to move back to Miiwaukee after aii.
I know she said i'd never get serious,
but these days, i'm even thinkin' about gettin' married.
You know, so i can have that great sex aii the time.
[Chuckies]
And hot damn, if Boca didn't just up and move to Boca.
I can see him right now, heiping some iost soui, sayin',
- "Do your thing." - Do your thing.
And me, i retired again, iike you probabiy figured.
But i didn't want to go out without ieavin' the feiias
a iittie somethin' to remember me by.
Even though i ieft the game,
i couidn't stay too far from it, so i bought me that song.
["Mister Softee" tune plays]
Out of the tree of iife
i just picked me a pium
S TAN: And that's the whoie story.
Like my baby Mo says,
"it's aii about figurin' out who you are."
And some of that's just a matter
of gettin' a iittie oider and acceptin' it.
And i can deai with that.
Just 'cause i'm retired don't mean i'm invisibie.
In fact, i'm guessin' you've probabiy seen my commerciai
once or twice yourseif.