# DAVID BOWIE: When The Wind Blows
# So long, child
# I'm on my way
# And after all is done
# After all is done
# Don't be down
# It's all in the past
# Though you may be afraid
# So long, child
# It's awful dark
# And I've never felt the sun
# I dread to think of when
# When the wind blows
# Life burns a savage wound
# Angry and wrong
# Trusting a twisted word
# You'll run, run away
# You'll take him home
# You'll spit and taunt him
# But they won't believe you
# No matter what you say
# So long, child
# It's awful dark
# I've never felt the sun
# I dread to think of when the wind blows
# When the wind blows
- Hello, dear. - Hello, love.
- Did you have a nice morning, dear? - Oh, all right, thanks.
Rather uneventful.
My life isn't very fast-moving or dynamic.
Well, you are retired, James.
You do seem a bit down, dear.
Yes, well, er... I've been reading the papers in the public library all the morning.
Oh, those things! Full of rubbish. I never look at them. Except the stars.
We must keep abreast of the international situation, ducksie.
Decisions made by the powers that be will get to us in the end.
Politics and sport, that's all they're full of.
Could affect us all, the er... ultimate determent, an' that.
They say there may be a pre-emptive strike, dear.
Oh, not another strike!
It's wicked! I'd have them all locked up. Blessed communists!
Well, it all looks pretty umpty.
It's not that sort of strike, duck.
- Sausages or beefburgers, dear? - Sausages, thanks.
It looks as if the balloon could go up at any moment.
What balloon?
- Mashed or chips? - Chips, thanks.
Oh, I don't know.
The balloon. Er...
Or is it a maroon? I can't remember.
What are you talking about, James?
It looks as if there's going to be a war, dear.
Yes, they say it might break out at any time now.
Well, at least you won't be called up, James. You're far too old.
Well, thank you, my beloved. I'm still two years younger than you.
Well, if the worst comes to the worst,
we'll just have to roll up our sleeves, tighten our belts,
and put on our tin hats till it's V-E Day again.
It won't be like that this time, love.
I think this one is called the "Big Bang Theory." It's all worked out by brilliant scientists.
Well, we survived the last one, we can do it again.
It'll take more than a few bombs to get me down.
Yes, yes, we um... we must... must look on the bright side, ducks.
- Better go over to Radio 4. - I like Radio 2.
Radio 4 is better for the international situation.
Good evening, this is Radio 4, with the news at six o'clock this Thursday evening.
The Prime Minister, speaking a few minutes ago in the House of Commons,
has warned that the international situation is deteriorating rapidly,
and that war could break out at any time in the next two or three days.
Crumbs!
What's the matter, dear? Have you burned yourself?
This is it, ducks! This is really it!
Another sausage, dear?
I shouldn't worry too much. It'll probably all blow over.
- Three days! Blimey! Three days! - Language, James! Language!
Crumbs! It's lucky I got more leaflets from the public library only this morning.
Here we are, see? Er...
"Protect And Survive" and er... "The Householder's Guide To Survival."
Now, this one should be really authoritative.
It's printed by the County Council.
We'd better commence the construction of a fallout shelter immediately.
We must do the correct thing.
There's treacle tart and custard or cold bread and butter pudding.
- Er... Treacle tart, please. - Fallout?
- I thought they did that in the army. - No, dear, it's fall in in the army. Fall in.
Thank goodness I got all those official leaflets today.
I gave the others to our Ron.
Suppose I hadn't?
We'd have been totally non-prepared. I mean, just think!
Will you have to dig a hole, like the old Anderson shelters in the war?
No, dear, that's all old-fashioned.
With modern scientific methods, you just use doors with cushions and books on top.
Where on earth are we going to get doors from, James?
Well er... you just unscrew them, dear.
You don't mean off our own house!
Well er... yes er... dear.
- You're not going to ruin the paintwork, James! - Oh, don't worry.
I can soon touch it up after the bomb's gone off.
Well, mind you do.
Just you be careful, James!
Mind that paint, James!
I hope you know what you're doing.
I'll put the screws in a plastic bag. You'll only go and lose them.
Remember, they're in the right-hand jug on the dresser.
It's going to be very draughty with no doors on.
I expect it's a safety precaution.
It'll let the er... blast go straight through.
It says here...
"The inner core or refuge should be placed at an angle of 60 degrees for maximum strength."
I should place it up against the wall, if I were you, dear.
Yes, but which are the degrees?
We haven't got any angles.
I think we did it at school. You... You had angles with degrees in.
Only I can't remember. I think I'll ring our Ron. He'll know.
Hello, son. All right? Beryl and the baby?
Good. Er... Iook, I'm building this governmental inner core or refuge,
and it says, "Place it at an angle of 60 degrees."
Well, what's that mean, exactly?
It's not cobblers, son.
It's in the governmental directive.
You mean you're not constructing an inner core or refuge?
I gave you the leaflets especially!
But what about baby Jim?
Don't start singing!
What do you mean, "We'll all go together when we go"? It's not funny.
No, but it's our duty to carry out governmental instructions in time of war, son.
Stop laughing, will you? I'm surprised at you.
You're supposed to be a responsible father now.
A protractor? The angle at the bottom?
Er... yes, yes, I see.
OK, son. Thanks.
Now, listen.
Just you start that inner core or refuge. It's your bounden duty, son.
Cheerio, son.
Now, remember what I said.
I am your father. I do know a bit about war.
Love to Beryl and baby Jim. Ta-ta.
Yes er... Ron says I need a protractor. He says I can get one at Willis's.
He was killing himself laughing, and he was singing songs!
I can't understand it. I think it's nerves.
He's gone a bit hysterical.
- He can't be drunk at this time of day. - Our Ron doesn't drink.
Oh, no, no, no. No, no, of course not, dear.
Ron is not going to make an inner core or refuge.
I remonstrated with him, but he was adamant.
He says if London cops it, he'll cop it. And not to worry, Dad.
It's an irresponsible attitude.
I'm a bit disappointed in him, adopting that attitude.
He was always a very responsible boy when he was in the Cubs.
It was going to that art college that spoiled him.
He met some dreadful people there.
Huh! Blessed beatniks!
I don't suppose it'll make a terrific amount of difference, the exact angle.
It'll probably all fall down anyway. What with the bomb, an' that.
If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well, James.
Yes, dear. But it is only temporary.
After all, it'll all be over in a flash.
Funny to think they were on our side in the war.
- Who, dear? - The Russkies.
- With old Joe Stalin. - Yes, he was a nice chap.
I liked him.
Like an uncle, he was.
I liked his moustache and his pipe.
Yeah. Roosevelt was nice, too.
There was three of them.
Churchill, Roosevelt and Stalin.
All good blokes.
With old Hitler, Goering and Musso, and all that lot, on the other side.
You somehow knew where you were then.
I don't even know who the people are these days.
I expect it's all done by committees, dear.
Yes, and meetings. I expect they have loads and loads of meetings,
and thus arrive at decisions.
Commuters, too.
They all use commuters these days.
It's got very impersonal.
Churchill with his cigar, old Stalin with his moustache -
you knew where you stood.
Do you think they'll invade?
Oh, no, no. Won't need to.
It'll all be done by missiles.
Long er... range.
Then they'll instil commuters to take charge of us.
It's funny to think there's no shelters this time.
We had an old Anderson in the garden.
I can see it now.
We had nasturtiums growing all over it.
And we painted the front green.
Painted, it looked quite pretty.
Next door grew cabbages on theirs.
Yes. We had a Morrison.
Hm, I used to sleep in it.
I stuck pin-up girls all over the inside.
Betty Grable, Anne Shelton, Patricia Roc.
The roof got all smoky, cos I used to read in bed with a candle.
Yes, it was nice in the war, really.
The shelters, the blackouts, cups of tea...
The ARP, the evacuees.
London kids seeing cows for the first time.
Old Churchill on the wireless.
The nine o'clock news.
- Vera Lynn singing away. Worker's Playtime.
Spitfires and Hurricanes in the blue sky over the cornfields.
The White Cliffs of Dover.
Old Jerry coming over every night.
Those were the days.
Don't you dare use my best cushions from the front room!
I'll get some old ones from upstairs.
I'll put them in plastic bags.
I don't want fingermarks getting all over them.
I shouldn't worry too much, love.
They're bound to get dusty with all the fallout coming down.
It says here we've got to lay in food supplies for 14 days.
I'd better put a note out for 28 pints of milk, then.
I'll just pop out and get 14 loaves, dear! And a protractor.
Anything else you want?
I'll need more plastic bags, dear!
There's no bread, ducks! Sold out.
There seems to be some sort of panic purchasing.
It can't be helped, dear.
After all, there is a war on.
Or nearly, anyway.
I hope you haven't left that cape dripping in the hall, James!
Oh, no, dear.
Mr Willis has sold out of protractors. I expect everyone wants 60 degrees.
He was terrifically kind, Mr Willis.
He cut me out a bit of card with 60 degrees on it. Look.
Oh! Nice, dear.
Here's the emergency supplies, ducks.
Two packets of ginger creams, half a jam sponge,
a tin of pineapple chunks and a tin of Christmas pud.
It'll all be over by Christmas.
- You're not decorating now, James! - We've got to paint the windows white, dear.
- Whatever for? - It's for the radiation, I think.
Like they do in greenhouses, to keep out the sun. It's the correct thing.
- It won't be that hot, surely! - Well, I don't know.
They say the one at Hiroshima was equal to one thousand suns.
So it is quite hot.
And besides, the powers that be are making much better ones now.
Science has leaped forward with giant strides. Oops!
Mind you don't get paint on those curtains, James.
You should have taken them down first. You never think.
I know that smile of yours, James.
"Keep doors closed to prevent the spread of fire", it says.
- But you've taken off half the doors, James. - Yes, dear.
Won't that make the fire worse, then?
Er...
Well, I er...
Perhaps the blast will blow the fire out.
Well... Hm!
The inner core or refuge looks quite cosy, doesn't it, dear?
I hope those doors aren't marking the wallpaper, James.
Come in and try it out, dear. Please.
Whoa! Careful! Careful! You'll have it over!
Budge up, can't you, James?
Couldn't you have made it a bit... wider?
It's er... It's constructed in compliance with the governmental specifications, dear.
Well, they might have made it wide enough for two people.
Suppose you were married? - We are married, dear.
Yes, well there you are, then.
Oh!
What about if you had children? Where would they go?
Oh, well, you'd just hold them in your arms. They'd soon fall asleep.
Suppose they were 17 or 18?
Big boys with bristly chins and big boots on. Skinheads.
Well, in that case, you'd er...
just add a few more doors.
There's... no wall space for more doors.
Oh. No.
Well, our Ron was never a skinhead, anyway.
What on earth are you putting the food in there for?
Well, that's where it's got to be.
But why can't it stay in the larder and fridge?
Because we must not emerge for the 14 days of the national emergency.
You're not saying we've got to stay in that thing for two weeks, are you?
Yes, dear. Ours not to reason why.
Now we must do the correct thing.
Well, what about the cooking, then?
How do I get to the cooker?
We'll just have to use the little picnic stove, dear.
- What about the toilet? - Well er...
Well, we'll have to have a potty, or something.
I can tell you now, James Bloggs,
that I am going to go upstairs in the proper manner.
But you mustn't emerge, dear. Not for the 14 days of the national emergency.
All right, then, how are you going to empty the chamber pot?
Well, we just have to empty it down the toilet, I suppose.
- You just said we couldn't go to the toilet. - Oh. Yes.
Er... Well er... Yeah, well,
Now, we'd better not cross our bridges till we come to them, eh?
Look on the bright side, eh, ducks?
Six, five, zero, zero, six, ten...
It says here, "Two pints of water per person per day."
I wonder if we've got enough bottles.
I'll have a look under the stairs, dear.
I've measured the water into the bottles, James.
I've labelled them so we don't get in a muddle.
Oh, good. That's nice, dear.
You're very efficient in a national emergency, dearest.
Get on with you!
It says here, "D: Miscellaneous:
Salt, tomato ketchup and sauces,
pepper, matches, toilet paper, disinfectant, vitamin tablets,
tin opener, knives, forks, spoons."
Funny. No plates.
- What's all that, dear? - I don't know.
It's called "miscellaneous." Pass it in, please.
- Funny. - What, dear?
In the governmental leaflet, it says, "Remove thin materials from windows."
And in the County Council leaflet, it says, "Hang white sheets in the windows."
I wonder which is correct.
Oh! It says peanut butter.
We haven't got any. Oh, dear.
- Never mind, ducks. I don't like it, nor do you. - No, but it's on the official list.
Oh, dear.
Now, don't worry, love.
I expect we'll survive without it.
It'll probably go runny in the heat, anyway.
You get terrific heat with these bombs, you know.
Mind you, diet is very important.
You are what you... eat.
And the survival of the fittest, an' that. Whoa!
That's why so many people... are jogging and eating lots of All-Bran, I expect.
Only the fittest will survive the outcome of the nuclear holocaust.
They eat lots of beans, too.
They give you wind, beans do.
You certainly shouldn't eat beans, James.
Let's not get personal, ducks.
I'm trying to have a scientific discussion.
If there really is going to be a war, who do you think will win?
Well, the Americans have tactile nuclear superiority,
due to their IBMs and their polar submarines.
But in the event of a pre-emptive strike,
innumerate Russian hordes will sweep across the plains of Central Europe.
Then the US Technical Air Force will come roaring in
with their Superhawks, B-17 s and B-19s, bristling with guns! Terrifically armed!
"OK, you guys! Let's go!"
They'd razor the Russky defences to the ground.
Then the marines would parachute in and round up the population.
After that, the big generals would go over - like er... Ike and Monty.
Then the Russians would capitulate, and there would be a condition of surrender.
Then they'd instil free and fair elections.
One man, one vote.
And women too, nowadays, of course.
And thus, the Communist threat to the Free World would be neutrified,
and democratic principles would be instilled throughout Russia,
whether they liked it or not.
That's the world scenario as I see it, at this moment in time.
Monty. Wasn't he in the war? - Well, of course he was.
He practically won it.
You remember, dear.
Big beret with badges on it.
Tanks. The Desert Rats. El Alamo.
But that was ages ago, dear.
Yes, well, I expect he's getting on a bit.
Probably been promoted.
More likely dead.
Monty dead? Never!
I'll bet he is. It's about 40 years since the war.
And he had a moustache then!
Who's in charge now, then?
Oh, one of those commuters, I expect.
It says here, "Place your National Savings Certificates,
medical cards and birth certificates in a box."
Here's a nice box, dear. I'll give it a good clean-out.
Oh, thanks.
We'd er... better keep it in a safe place.
I wonder what would be a safe place.
Who's in charge of the Russians, dear?
Oh er... it's er...
Shavinsky, isn't it?
Or... Molotov.
No. Molotov's just a cocktail, I think.
Krushef. Yes, that's right.
B and K.
Bulgania and Krushef, that's them.
And that bloke Marx has got something to do with it.
What are you doing, dear?
Blocking out the windows, in compliance with the governmental directive.
It's the correct thing.
Er... yes. Then there's the er... usual committee, of course,
the Common Term, they call it - the Soviet Supreme.
They're in charge of the BJ Kee.
That's the Secret Service. SS for short.
Our lot is called EMl-5.
Oh, it's all very complicated, ducks.
Well, mind you don't scratch the polish!
Is it any good writing him a letter, do you think?
- Who, dear? - This leader. BJ Whatshisname.
- What are you going to say, dear? - Oh, I don't know.
Um... Dear Sir,
Mr B J thing er...
We, the people of Britain, are fed up with being bombed.
We had enough of it last time, with old Hitler, so will you just leave us in peace?
You live your life and we'll live ours.
Hope you are well.
Please don't drop any bombs. Yours sincerely, Mr and Mrs J Bloggs.
Very good, dear. Very nice. Yes.
You might be a bit late for the post.
You know what the post is like these days.
First class might just get there.
But I must do this list.
"Dustbin, calendar, books, games, paper, pencils, shovel, spade, crowbar, axe, hatchet,
saw, whistle and/or gong for alarms,
suitcases for furniture or evacuation,
string, pliers...
...first-aid kits, safety pins, scissors, flints, aspirins, diarrhoea remedy,
tweezers, calamine lotion, war crisis editions, lice-flea powder,
rodent poison, insulin, blood-pressure tablets,
rubber gloves, sanitary towels, mirror, toilet paper, eyewash."
I wonder if it's true about the paper bags.
Or is it a joke?
I never know if it's just a joke or not.
What's that, dear?
Well, they say you should get into a paper bag just before the bomb goes off.
Whatever for?
I suppose it's like the white paint. It er... deflects the heat a bit.
- Sounds silly to me. - There are some paper bags.
We had spuds from the farm in them. There should be four.
They'll be filthy, James.
Are you sure your bag is clean, James?
Yes, dear, I... cleaned it thoroughly.
You do look silly!
I wonder if it's all right to have eyeholes.
They say it's the correct thing to wear white.
People in Hiroshima with patterned clothes got burned where the pattern was,
and not so much on the white bits.
Even the buttons showed up.
Yes, but they were Japanese.
Is there a clean white shirt, dear, ready for the bomb?
You're not going to wear that nice new one I gave you for Christmas!
I don't want that spoiled.
You can wear your old clothes for the bomb and save the best for afterwards.
All right, dear. Well, is there an old white one, without stripes?
I don't want stripes all over me.
I've never heard such nonsense.
We didn't think what colour clothes we had on in the war.
Lucky to have any clothes at all, with everything on coupons.
We interrupt this programme for an official government announcement.
An enemy missile attack has been launched against this country.
It is estimated that the missiles
will arrive in approximately three minutes. Three minutes.
God almighty, ducks! There's only three minutes to go!
Oh, dear. I'll just put the washing on.
Come back, you stupid bitch, and get in the shelter!
- How dare you talk to me like that, James! - Shut up and get in!
There's no need to forget our manners just because there's a war on.
Shut up! I'm trying to listen!
Take shelter immediately.
- I've never heard such language in all my life. - For God's sake, shut up!
Oh, dear! I've left the oven on!
Get in! Get in! Get in!
The cake will be burned!
Lie down. Keep away from windows.
Cover your head and eyes.
Do not look at the sky or through windows.
Take shelter immediately.
Repeat. % stay indoors.
Do not leave your home.
The cake will be be burned!
The cake will be burned!
Blimey!
- Well I never!
Well, I... I suppose... that was it.
I should think so.
Blimey!
You all right, dear?
Yes, thanks, love.
Oh, dear.
I do feel all shaky.
Never mind, ducks.
We're... We're still in one piece, eh?
Yes, I think so.
- Wasn't it light? - Yes.
Terrific.
You get terrific light with these bombs.
- The heat! - I know.
Phew!
It's still hot now.
I wonder how far we are away from the epicentre.
Or was it the hypocentre?
I can't remember.
What's that, dear?
Well, it's the centre of it all. You know, the er... the bull's-eye, sort of.
Bang in the middle. Or... Or middle of the bang, rather.
I should think we were bang in the middle, dear.
A direct hit.
Oh, just look at all that glass.
No, no, it couldn't have been a direct hit, dear.
We would have sustained greater damage and suffered greater casualties.
Don't talk to me about damage. Just look at those curtains!
Yes, but it would have been much worse at the epi-hypo thing, dear.
I don't see how it could have been much worse.
I'll never get them clean.
I'll give them a good soak tonight. Blessed Germans!
Russkies, dear.
Mm! The shelter stood up well, didn't it?
I constructed it in compliance with governmental specifications.
- I hope the cushions aren't spoiled. - I think some of them blew off in the blast.
I do like nice cushions.
Yes, but there's more important things at the moment, ducks.
And curtains. Cushions and curtains.
I'd better get out and put them in soak now.
- Stay in! Er... dear. - Don't you shout at me, James.
But it's the whole point, dearest.
This is what the shelter's for.
But the blessed bomb has gone off already.
Yes, but the fallout is falling out now. See?
No, I don't see.
I can't see any soppy fallout.
I'm getting out.
- Just look at all that mess! - No. No!
We must stay in. We must do the correct thing.
Come on, now.
It's late. Let's get to bed.
Whatever is this box of sand for, James?
It had better not be for what I think it's for.
I've told you what I think about that subject already.
Bomb or no bomb, Hitler or no Hitler, I'm going to go to the toilet in the proper manner!
No, dear, it's not an earth tray.
The governmental directive says it's for cleaning plates, an'that.
Cleaning plates?
Why shouldn't we wash them properly, and dry them on a nice clean tea towel?
We washed up properly all through the war.
Well, it's to conserve emergency water supplies, dear.
What is the world coming to?
You see, dear... - Tuck my feet in.
My old mother would have a fit if she knew.
- Yes, but... - Drying plates in an earth tray!
Catch me eating off a plate covered in sand!
You'd be the first to complain.
Er... dear, um...
A bit of grit in your winkles and you're spitting and splattering all over the place.
Tomorrow, you can put that thing outside for someone's cat, where it belongs.
Ooh-er!
I'm getting fed up stuck in this thing! I want to get out and tidy up!
Just look at all that mess out there!
We must do the correct thing, dear.
We must remain in the inner core or refuge.
Ours not to reason why.
Our but to um... something or other.
It tells you about this problem in the County Council directive. I'll show you.
Let's see. Um... Where is it?
Ah, yes. Here we are.
"During this period, reduced external stimuli may produce problems of group behaviour."
Oh, yes, I see, dear.
"Steps to combat this may include the following:
At intervals, stimulate group activities."
Don't you dare start stimulating, James! I'm not in the mood.
No, dear!
It means