你知道，我没有开始成为育儿专家。 You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert.
实际上，根据Se，我对养育不是很感兴趣。 In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per Se.
这些天只是一种育儿方式 It's just that there's a certain style of parenting these days
有点把孩子弄糊涂了， that is kind of messing up kids,
阻碍他们发展自己的机会。 impeding their chances to develop into theirselves.
这些天有一定的养育方式 There's a certain style of parenting these days
越来越麻烦了。 that's getting in the way.
我想我的意思是， I guess what I'm saying is,
我们花很多时间非常关注 we spend a lot of time being very concerned
关于父母对孩子生活的投入不足 about parents who aren't involved enough in the lives of their kids
他们的教育或养育， and their education or their upbringing,
是的，这是正确的。 and rightly so.
但是在另一端， But at the other end of the spectrum,
那里也有很多伤害， there's a lot of harm going on there as well,
父母觉得孩子不能成功的地方 where parents feel a kid can't be successful
除非父母动不动就保护和预防 unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn
悬停在所有发生的事情上，并在每时每刻进行微观管理 and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment,
并将他们的孩子引导到大学和职业的一小部分。 and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.
当我们这样养育孩子时， When we raise kids this way,
我会说我们 and I'll say we,
因为上帝知道，在抚养我的两个少年时， because Lord knows, in raising my two teenagers,
我本人就有这些倾向， I've had these tendencies myself,
我们的孩子最终导致了一个清单上的童年。 our kids end up leading a kind of checklisted childhood.
这就是清单中的童年时代的样子。 And here's what the checklisted childhood looks like.
我们确保它们安全无害 We keep them safe and sound
喂饱喝水 and fed and watered,
然后我们要确保他们去了正确的学校， and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools,
他们在正确的学校上正确的课， that they're in the right classes at the right schools,
并且他们在正确的学校的正确班级中获得正确的成绩。 and that they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools.
但不仅是成绩，分数， But not just the grades, the scores,
不仅是成绩和分数，还有荣誉和奖项 and not just the grades and scores, but the accolades and the awards
体育，活动，领导。 and the sports, the activities, the leadership.
我们告诉我们的孩子，不要只是加入一个俱乐部， We tell our kids, don't just join a club,
创建一个俱乐部，因为大学希望看到这一点。 start a club, because colleges want to see that.
并选中用于社区服务的框。 And check the box for community service.
我的意思是，向大学展示您关心他人。 I mean, show the colleges you care about others.
（笑声） (Laughter)
所有这些都以某种希望达到的完美程度完成。 And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection.
我们希望我们的孩子表现出色 We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection
我们从来没有被要求表现自己， we were never asked to perform at ourselves,
因为需要这么多， and so because so much is required,
我们认为， we think,
那好吧，当然，我们父母必须与每位老师争论 well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher
校长，教练和裁判员 and principal and coach and referee
并像我们孩子的礼宾一样 and act like our kid's concierge
和个人经理 and personal handler
和秘书。 and secretary.
然后和我们的孩子，我们的珍贵孩子， And then with our kids, our precious kids,
我们花了很多时间进行拍打， we spend so much time nudging,
哄骗，暗示，帮助，讨价还价，na cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be,
确保他们没有搞砸， to be sure they're not screwing up,
不关门， not closing doors,
不破坏他们的未来， not ruining their future,
一些希望入场 some hoped-for admission
到一小部分大学 to a tiny handful of colleges
这几乎否认了每个申请人。 that deny almost every applicant.
这就是这个清单所列的童年时代的孩子的感觉。 And here's what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.
首先，没有时间免费玩游戏。 First of all, there's no time for free play.
下午没空 There's no room in the afternoons,
我们认为，因为一切都必须充实。 because everything has to be enriching, we think.
好像每项作业，每项测验，每项活动 It's as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity
是我们为他们着想的这个未来的成败时刻， is a make-or-break moment for this future we have in mind for them,
我们免除了他们在屋子周围的帮助， and we absolve them of helping out around the house,
我们甚至免除他们充足的睡眠 and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep
只要他们检查清单上的项目即可。 as long as they're checking off the items on their checklist.
在清单中的童年，我们说我们只是希望他们快乐， And in the checklisted childhood, we say we just want them to be happy,
但是当他们放学回家时， but when they come home from school,
首先我们经常问什么 what we ask about all too often first
是他们的作业和成绩。 is their homework and their grades.
他们看到我们的脸 And they see in our faces
我们的认可，我们的爱， that our approval, that our love,
他们的价值， that their very worth,
来自A的。 comes from A's.
然后我们和他们一起走 And then we walk alongside them
并像威斯敏斯特犬展上的教练一样提供赞美的赞誉- and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show --
（笑声） (Laughter)
哄他们跳到更高一点，然后飞得更高一点， coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther,
日复一日。 day after day after day.
当他们上高中时 And when they get to high school,
他们没有说，“好吧，我可能会对研究感兴趣 they don't say, "Well, what might I be interested in studying
或做一项活动？” or doing as an activity?"
他们去找辅导员，他们说， They go to counselors and they say,
“要进入合适的大学，我需要做什么？” "What do I need to do to get into the right college?"
然后，当高中开始升学时， And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school,
他们得到一些B and they're getting some B's,
或上帝禁止某些C， or God forbid some C's,
他们疯狂地发短信给朋友 they frantically text their friends
并说：“有没有人以这些成绩进入合适的大学？” and say, "Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?"
还有我们的孩子 And our kids,
不管他们在高中结束时到哪里去， regardless of where they end up at the end of high school,
他们喘不过气来。 they're breathless.
他们很脆。 They're brittle.
他们有点疲惫。 They're a little burned out.
他们在时间之前有点老了， They're a little old before their time,
希望大人们一生都说：“你所做的就足够了， wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said, "What you've done is enough,
您在童年时代所做的努力就足够了。” this effort you've put forth in childhood is enough."
他们现在在高度焦虑和沮丧的情况下正在枯萎 And they're withering now under high rates of anxiety and depression
其中有些人想知道， and some of them are wondering,
这辈子会变得值得吗？ will this life ever turn out to have been worth it?
好吧，我们的父母， Well, we parents,
我们的父母很确定这一切都是值得的。 we parents are pretty sure it's all worth it.
我们似乎表现得很好- We seem to behave --
就像我们从字面上认为他们将没有未来 it's like we literally think they will have no future
如果他们不参加这些微小的大学或职业中的一个 if they don't get into one of these tiny set of colleges or careers
我们为他们着想。 we have in mind for them.
也许，也许，我们只是害怕 Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid
他们没有未来我们可以吹牛 they won't have a future we can brag about
给我们的朋友，并在我们汽车的后背贴上贴纸。 to our friends and with stickers on the backs of our cars.
是的。 Yeah.
（掌声） (Applause)
但是，如果您看一下我们所做的事情， But if you look at what we've done,
如果您有勇气真正去看它， if you have the courage to really look at it,
您会看到，不仅我们的孩子认为他们的价值来了 you'll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes
从成绩和分数来看， from grades and scores,
但是当我们在他们宝贵的发展思想中生活时 but that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds
一直以来，就像我们自己制作的电影《成为约翰·马尔科维奇》一样， all the time, like our very own version of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"
我们向孩子们发送消息： we send our children the message:
“嘿，孩子，没有我，您实际上无法实现任何目标。” "Hey kid, I don't think you can actually achieve any of this without me."
因此，在我们的过度帮助下， And so with our overhelp,
我们过度保护，过度指挥和执着， our overprotection and overdirection and hand-holding,
我们剥夺了孩子建立自我效能的机会， we deprive our kids of the chance to build self-efficacy,
这是人类心理的真正基本宗旨， which is a really fundamental tenet of the human psyche,
比他们获得的自尊重要得多 far more important than that self-esteem they get
每次我们鼓掌。 every time we applaud.
当人们看到自己的行为导致结果时，就会建立自我效能感， Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one's own actions lead to outcomes,
不是 - not --
妳去 There you go.
（掌声） (Applause)
不是一个人代表父母的行为， Not one's parents' actions on one's behalf,
但是当自己的行动导致结果时。 but when one's own actions lead to outcomes.
简而言之， So simply put,
如果我们的孩子要发展自我效能，他们必须 if our children are to develop self-efficacy, and they must,
他们必须做更多的思考，计划，决定， then they have to do a whole lot more of the thinking, planning, deciding,
做，希望，应对，尝试和错误， doing, hoping, coping, trial and error,
梦想和体验生活 dreaming and experiencing of life
为自己。 for themselves.
现在，我是说 Now, am I saying
每个孩子都很努力，有动力 every kid is hard-working and motivated
不需要父母参与或关心他们的生活， and doesn't need a parent's involvement or interest in their lives,
我们应该退而走吗？ and we should just back off and let go?
一定不行。 Hell no.
（笑声） (Laughter)
我不是那个意思 That is not what I'm saying.
我的意思是，当我们对待成绩，分数，荣誉和奖项时 What I'm saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards
作为童年的目的， as the purpose of childhood,
所有这些都是为了使一些希望升读的大学为数不多的 all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges
或进入少数职业， or entrance to a small number of careers,
对于我们的孩子来说，这对成功的定义太狭窄了。 that that's too narrow a definition of success for our kids.
即使我们可以帮助他们取得一些短期胜利 And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins
通过过度帮助- by overhelping --
如果我们帮助他们完成功课，他们会获得更高的成绩， like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework,
当我们帮助时，他们可能会获得更长的童年简历- they might end up with a longer childhood résumé when we help --
我的意思是，所有这些都是长期的成本 what I'm saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost
他们的自我意识。 to their sense of self.
我的意思是说，我们应该少担心 What I'm saying is, we should be less concerned
与特定的大学 with the specific set of colleges
他们可能能够申请或可能进入 they might be able to apply to or might get into
更关注他们的习惯，思维方式，技能， and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set,
健康，无论他们去到哪里都成功。 the wellness, to be successful wherever they go.
我的意思是 What I'm saying is,
我们的孩子需要我们减少对成绩和分数的迷恋 our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores
还有更多的兴趣 and a whole lot more interested
在童年时期为他们的成功奠定了基础 in childhood providing a foundation for their success
建立在爱情之类的东西上 built on things like love
和琐事。 and chores.
（笑声） (Laughter)
（掌声） (Applause)
我只是说家务吗？我只是说家务吗？我真的做到了 Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did.
但实际上，这就是原因。 But really, here's why.
对人类进行的最长的纵向研究 The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted
被称为哈佛格兰特研究。 is called the Harvard Grant Study.
发现生活中的职业成功， It found that professional success in life,
这就是我们想要给孩子们的东西， which is what we want for our kids,
生活中的职业成功来自小时候做家务， that professional success in life comes from having done chores as a kid,
而且越早开始越好 and the earlier you started, the better,
卷起袖子和俯仰的心态， that a roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset,
一种心态说，有一些不愉快的工作， a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work,
有人要做，也可能是我， someone's got to do it, it might as well be me,
的心态说， a mindset that says,
我将为改善整体水平做出自己的努力， I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole,
那就是让您在工作场所领先的原因。 that that's what gets you ahead in the workplace.
现在，我们都知道这一点。你知道这个。 Now, we all know this. You know this.
（掌声） (Applause)
我们都知道这一点，但是，在清单中的童年时代， We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood,
我们免除我们孩子在屋子里做家务的工作， we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house,
然后他们最终成为年轻人在工作场所 and then they end up as young adults in the workplace
还在等待清单 still waiting for a checklist,
但它不存在， but it doesn't exist,
更重要的是，缺乏冲动，本能 and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct
卷起他们的袖子并俯身 to roll up their sleeves and pitch in
环顾四周，想知道，我如何对我的同事有用？ and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues?
我如何可以预见老板可能需要采取的步骤？ How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?
哈佛格兰特研究报告的第二个非常重要的发现 A second very important finding from the Harvard Grant Study
说生活中的幸福 said that happiness in life
来自爱 comes from love,
不喜欢工作， not love of work,
对人类的热爱： love of humans:
我们的配偶，我们的伴侣，我们的朋友，我们的家人。 our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family.
因此，童年时代需要教我们的孩子如何去爱， So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love,
如果他们不先爱自己，他们就无法爱别人。 and they can't love others if they don't first love themselves,
如果我们不能向他们提供无条件的爱，他们就不会爱自己。 and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them unconditional love.
（掌声） (Applause)
正确的。 Right.
所以， And so,
而不是迷恋成绩和分数 instead of being obsessed with grades and scores
当我们宝贵的后代从学校回家时， when our precious offspring come home from school,
或者我们下班回家 or we come home from work,
我们需要关闭技术，收起手机， we need to close our technology, put away our phones,
并看着他们的眼睛 and look them in the eye
让他们看到充满我们面孔的喜悦 and let them see the joy that fills our faces
当我们几个小时后第一次见到我们的孩子时。 when we see our child for the first time in a few hours.
然后我们不得不说， And then we have to say,
“你今天过得怎么样？ "How was your day?
您今天喜欢什么？” What did you like about today?"
当你十几岁的女儿像我一样说“午餐”时， And when your teenage daughter says, "Lunch," like mine did,
我想听听有关数学测试的信息， and I want to hear about the math test,
不是午餐 not lunch,
您仍然必须对午餐感兴趣。 you have to still take an interest in lunch.
您必须说：“今天的午餐很棒吗？” You gotta say, "What was great about lunch today?"
他们需要知道他们对我们作为人类至关重要， They need to know they matter to us as humans,
不是因为他们的GPA。 not because of their GPA.
好吧，所以您在思考，琐事和爱， All right, so you're thinking, chores and love,
听起来不错，但请让我休息一下。 that sounds all well and good, but give me a break.
这些大学希望看到最高的分数和成绩 The colleges want to see top scores and grades
以及荣誉和奖项，我会告诉你的。 and accolades and awards, and I'm going to tell you, sort of.
规模最大的名牌学校都在问我们的年轻人， The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults,
但这是个好消息。 but here's the good news.
与大学排名球拍会让我们相信的相反- Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe --
（掌声） (Applause)
您不必去最大的名牌学校之一 you don't have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools
在生活中感到快乐和成功。 to be happy and successful in life.
快乐而成功的人去了公立学校， Happy and successful people went to state school,
上了一个没人听说过的小学院， went to a small college no one has heard of,
去了社区大学 went to community college,
去了这里的一所大学，失败了。 went to a college over here and flunked out.
（掌声） (Applause)
证据在这个房间里，在我们的社区里， The evidence is in this room, is in our communities,
这是事实。 that this is the truth.
如果我们能扩大我们的盲目性 And if we could widen our blinders
并愿意再看几所大学， and be willing to look at a few more colleges,
也许从方程式中删除我们自己的自我， maybe remove our own egos from the equation,
我们可以接受并接受这个真理，然后意识到， we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize,
这几乎不是世界末日 it is hardly the end of the world
如果我们的孩子不去那些大品牌学校之一。 if our kids don't go to one of those big brand-name schools.
更重要的是 And more importantly,
如果他们的童年没有按照专制清单生活 if their childhood has not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist
然后当他们上大学时， then when they get to college,
不管是哪一个， whichever one it is,
好吧，他们会按照自己的意愿去那里， well, they'll have gone there on their own volition,
在自己的欲望的推动下， fueled by their own desire,
有能力并准备在那里蓬勃发展。 capable and ready to thrive there.
我必须承认一些东西给你。 I have to admit something to you.
我提到了两个孩子，索耶和艾利。 I've got two kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery.
他们是青少年。 They're teenagers.
从前， And once upon a time,
我想我正在对待我的Sawyer和Avery I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery
就像小盆景树- like little bonsai trees --
（笑声） (Laughter)
我要仔细修剪和修剪 that I was going to carefully clip and prune
并塑造成人类的某种完美形式 and shape into some perfect form of a human
可能足以保证他们入学 that might just be perfect enough to warrant them admission
最挑剔的大学之一。 to one of the most highly selective colleges.
但在与其他数千个孩子一起工作后，我逐渐意识到- But I've come to realize, after working with thousands of other people's kids --
（笑声） (Laughter)
养育自己的两个孩子 and raising two kids of my own,
我的孩子不是盆景树。 my kids aren't bonsai trees.
他们是野花 They're wildflowers
未知属和种- of an unknown genus and species --
（笑声） (Laughter)
提供营养的环境是我的工作， and it's my job to provide a nourishing environment,
通过做家务来加强他们 to strengthen them through chores
并爱他们，使他们可以爱别人并获得爱 and to love them so they can love others and receive love
大学，专业，职业， and the college, the major, the career,
这取决于他们。 that's up to them.
我的工作不是让他们成为我要他们成为的人， My job is not to make them become what I would have them become,
但要支持他们成为自己的光荣自我。 but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.
谢谢你。 Thank you.
（掌声） (Applause)