1 00:00:07,919 --> 00:00:10,160 Vic: All right, I got a joke for ya! 2 00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:12,160 What's black and white and red all over? 3 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:14,160 Oh, snap! 4 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,539 Wait! Wait! This joke doesn't make any sense until you see the next story! 5 00:00:16,539 --> 00:00:18,780 OK, so... I'll just describe it to you then, so you'll get my joke! 6 00:00:18,780 --> 00:00:24,060 Um, it's about another group of Reds and Blues, and it's really funny, and um... 7 00:00:24,059 --> 00:00:28,019 Man, you know what? I'm just gonna keep working on my material. 8 00:00:37,179 --> 00:00:43,679 Reg: Well, what I'm trying to say is--- Deuce: I don't CARE what you're trying to say! 9 00:00:43,679 --> 00:00:45,679 What I'm actually saying is--- 10 00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:51,359 Cobb: My red-hearted mama always told me not to trust a dirty Blue and I'm sure not gonna start now! 11 00:00:51,359 --> 00:00:51,920 Hutch: Quiet! 12 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:56,039 We've been here for 3 hours and we haven't been able to compromise on ANYTHING! 13 00:00:56,039 --> 00:00:57,939 We're no closer to peace than when we started! 14 00:00:57,939 --> 00:01:03,699 Wynn: Well, Hutch, we'd already have peace if you Reds would just die already, like decent people! 15 00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:05,299 Squatch: Or peacefully surrender! 16 00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:07,299 Deuce: After you're all dead! 17 00:01:09,140 --> 00:01:16,140 *Hutch sighs* Hutch: Wynn, take control of your men. Need I remind you we're locked in here and those doors won't open until we reach an agreement. Or we're all dead. 18 00:01:16,140 --> 00:01:17,299 Reg: Whose idea was that anyway? 19 00:01:17,299 --> 00:01:17,799 Hutch: Mine! Deal with it. 20 00:01:17,859 --> 00:01:24,859 Cobb: Well, looks like we gotta get to peacemakin' or we're gonna be in more trouble than a bull moose in Blood Gulch! 21 00:01:25,379 --> 00:01:26,259 *Cobb spits* 22 00:01:26,260 --> 00:01:28,219 Cobb: Aw, God, why do I keep spittin' in my helmet!?! 23 00:01:28,219 --> 00:01:29,400 Squatch: This is hopeless! 24 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:32,000 What are the odds of us ACTUALLY reaching peace?! 25 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:36,959 Marlowe: Statistically insignificant, my dear naive Squatch. We're as good as dead. 26 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:40,099 Deuce: Fine by me! The only good Red is a dead Red! 27 00:01:40,099 --> 00:01:42,039 Squatch: A dead Red with bed head! 28 00:01:42,099 --> 00:01:43,539 Deuce: In a lead shed! 29 00:01:43,540 --> 00:01:44,280 Cobb: He said. 30 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:46,359 Hutch: Knock it off, boys! Especially you, Cobb. 31 00:01:46,359 --> 00:01:48,319 Remember which side you're on here! 32 00:01:48,319 --> 00:01:55,000 Cobb: Sorry, Hutch. Got caught up in the moment. No way am I gonna mistake myself for a two-faced, mud-suckin' Blue! 33 00:01:55,260 --> 00:01:59,580 Wynn: That's it! We're outta here! Deuce, bust open those doors! 34 00:02:00,799 --> 00:02:03,439 Hutch: You're leaving over my dead body-- 35 00:02:03,439 --> 00:02:03,939 *lights go out* 36 00:02:03,939 --> 00:02:10,759 *indistinct chattering followed by a shotgun shot and a body thudding to reveal.... Hutch is dead and more indistinct chattering* 37 00:02:10,759 --> 00:02:13,979 Squatch: Oh, my God, there's a murderer in here! I gotta get outta here! 38 00:02:13,979 --> 00:02:17,119 Reg: Don't even bother, Squatch. Those doors aren't opening... 39 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:22,319 Marlowe: Reg is correct. We're not leaving until we find peace... or we're all dead. 40 00:02:22,939 --> 00:02:27,979 Cobb: Well, it's obvious who shot Hutch! It was Wynn! Wynn: M-me!?! Why me?! 41 00:02:27,979 --> 00:02:31,419 Reg: You're the leader of the Blues. You benefit the most from his death! 42 00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:35,399 Deuce: Nyah, see? My commander wouldn't hurt a fly! Unless it was a Red! Oh, wait... 43 00:02:35,759 --> 00:02:40,239 Marlowe: I believe it was you who said the only good Red is a dead Red. 44 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:46,420 Deuce: What!? You're accusing ME now?! YOU'RE the one with those weird shifty eyes!! I mean look at him! 45 00:02:46,419 --> 00:02:48,399 *suspenseful stinger music* 46 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:53,420 Deuce: Nyah, see, he's doing it right now! Marlowe: I'm not doing anything. Or am I?! 47 00:02:53,599 --> 00:02:55,599 *suspenseful stinger music* 48 00:02:58,139 --> 00:03:04,679 Cobb: Okay, look, people, we gotta sort this out! Now let's try what we used to do back on good ol' Alpha Centaur-I-Aye! A good old-fashioned lineup! 49 00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:07,939 Reg: Good idea, Cobb! Everybody stand against that wall. 50 00:03:15,580 --> 00:03:20,540 Deuce: Uhh... isn't there normally a witness who identifies the suspect? 51 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,120 Cobb: Oh! Right. 52 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:28,939 Wynn: Here's how we're gonna do it. One by one, let's step forward and say "I shot Hutch!". You first, Cobb. 53 00:03:28,939 --> 00:03:31,579 Cobb: Alright! *steps up* I shot Hutch. 54 00:03:31,580 --> 00:03:36,440 *Everyone else aims at Cobb and yells angrily over each other* Cobb: WHOAWHOAWHOAWHOA!! Don't shoot!! 55 00:03:36,439 --> 00:03:38,960 Reg: This isn't gonna work. No lineup. 56 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:47,319 Deuce: Everybody say "I shot Hutch"... OH, GREAT IDEA, WYNN!!! Wynn: Don't sass me, Squatch! 57 00:03:47,319 --> 00:03:49,539 Marlowe: Any other bright ideas, gentlemen? 58 00:03:50,180 --> 00:03:53,860 Reg: I suppose we could... um... w-wait a second! 59 00:03:56,360 --> 00:04:00,120 Wynn: Well, this doesn't seem right... Squatch: Uh-oh! 60 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:03,800 Reg: Where's the third Red?! Reds come here! Blue stays there! 61 00:04:06,599 --> 00:04:10,359 Squatch: UH-OH!!! Reg: Wait... what is happening here? 62 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:12,340 Wynn: Yeah, hold on... I'm a little confused! 63 00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:15,280 *Cobb sighs* Cobb: Look, Blue, will you just call your man over? 64 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:21,600 Wynn: Uh, yeah! Uh, uh, hey, Squatch! Bring our guy over! Squatch: What?! Why me?! 65 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:27,540 Marlowe: What in Heaven's name is taking you people so long?! Squatch: Well, you all look the same! 66 00:04:27,879 --> 00:04:33,560 Cobb: No, we don't! We're Red! Y'know, the color of tomaters... celery... the OCEAN! 67 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,660 Wynn: Celery's not red! It's blue. 68 00:04:35,759 --> 00:04:38,719 Reg: What are you, stupid? Celery's purple! 69 00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:45,620 *Arguing ensues* 70 00:04:45,620 --> 00:04:50,740 Squatch: I DON'T KNOW WHAT COLOR CELERY IS!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT COLOR ANYTHING IS!! EVERYTHING JUST LOOKS GREY!!!! 71 00:04:54,279 --> 00:04:58,439 Reg: ...Do you mean to tell me that you can't... see... colors? 72 00:05:00,740 --> 00:05:11,900 Reg: We-well... neither can I. Wynn: Um, OK, yeah, cards on the table... I just see everything in shades of grey. *Everyone begins to concur that they all have Achromatopsia* 73 00:05:12,300 --> 00:05:17,100 Marlowe: Well, chaps, it appears that we all are extremely colorblind! 74 00:05:17,100 --> 00:05:19,200 *Squatch laughs* Squatch: What are the odds of that?? 75 00:05:19,199 --> 00:05:25,879 Wynn: So you mean all of us have been fighting Blue vs. Red this whole time... AND NOBODY COULD SEE COLOR!?!! 76 00:05:25,879 --> 00:05:28,079 Squatch: We were always on opposite sides of the map! 77 00:05:28,079 --> 00:05:32,479 And I always thought those were random code names like "Delta Squad" or "Green Team"! 78 00:05:32,740 --> 00:05:39,879 *Cobb stammers* Cobb: Alright, everyone calm down! Now we had a way of settling disputes like this back on good ol' Cassio-P-I-A! 79 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:44,820 Deuce: Meh, stars aren't planets! Cobb: Yes, they are! Big glowin' planets! 80 00:05:45,079 --> 00:05:49,639 Marlowe: Good... yesss... fight... Reg: Wait! Who the hell are you? 81 00:05:49,860 --> 00:05:54,060 Deuce: Uh, I'm one of you Reds! Hehe... Ob-obviously! Wynn: Deuce... 82 00:05:54,300 --> 00:06:01,740 Deuce: I, I mean us Reds! Us Reds, yeah, see? Wynn: Deuce, we all know it's you! You've got a "2" on your shoulder! 83 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:09,000 Marlowe: Ah, but our dear Regina bears the same symbol! Reg: Yeah. And I'm clearly Reg. 84 00:06:09,079 --> 00:06:14,279 Deuce: Yeah, see? That's exactly what Deuce would say! Cobb: ...Reg is a girl. Deuce: Damn right I am! 85 00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:21,019 Wynn: Deuce, why the hell are you trying to switch sides anyway?! Deuce: *in a girly voice* Uh, uh, you gotta answer him! 86 00:06:21,019 --> 00:06:25,479 Cobb: Awright, screw this! I'm killin' them both! Marlowe: Yess.... excellent! Reg: WHAT?! 87 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:26,220 Wynn: HEY!! 88 00:06:26,519 --> 00:06:32,079 *Everyone aims their guns at one another* Reg: *gasp* Wait! It's the guns! Wynn: Huh? 89 00:06:32,079 --> 00:06:37,979 Reg: Whoever shot Hutch will be missing a bullet! *examines her clip* See? Full clip! Wasn't me~! 90 00:06:39,300 --> 00:06:44,520 So, uh, who's next? How about... you? Squatch! 91 00:06:44,519 --> 00:06:48,240 *Squatch shivers and panics* Wynn: C'mon, Squatch! Show us your gun! 92 00:06:49,939 --> 00:06:55,860 Marlowe: What's wrong, dear Squatch? Something to hide?! *Squatch continues to panic* 93 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:06,680 Squatch: FINE!!!! It was ME!! I KILLED HUTCH!!! *Everyone gasps* Squatch: I didn't mean to! The lights went out and I panicked!! I get jumpy in the dark! I, I swear I didn't mean it! 94 00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:15,259 Cobb: Whoa whoa whoa! Wait just a corn-shuckin' minute! Now that I think about it... I heard a shotgun go off. That ain't a shotgun. 95 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:27,560 Marlowe: Well, chaps, it's been fun, but I'm afraid-- Deuce: Wait!! It was me! Nyah! *Squatch gasps* Squatch: REG?! Reg: ...You're such an idiot... 96 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:33,399 Deuce: Yeah, see? Killing's all I've ever been good at! If we had peace, I just dunno what I'd do! 97 00:07:33,399 --> 00:07:45,839 Wynn: Thanks, Deuce, but I'm afraid I've got to come clean! I shot Hutch! Never trusted him. When the lights went out, I saw my opportunity to strike! Deuce: What?! I'm not lying, Wynn! Cobb: I shot him too! 98 00:07:45,839 --> 00:07:51,699 I always envied Hutch's position. I'd make for a much better leader, just listen to my accent!! 99 00:07:52,079 --> 00:07:56,379 Marlowe: But... then that means... Squatch: We ALL shot Hutch?! 100 00:07:59,660 --> 00:08:06,660 Marlowe: Yes, except for Reg, it seems. *Reg laughs* Reg: All right, you got me! I swapped guns with Hutch after I shot him! 101 00:08:06,839 --> 00:08:15,819 You see, when I was first stationed here, Hutch stole my rations and from that day forward, I--- Marlowe: Alright, alright, no one cares to hear your life story. 102 00:08:15,839 --> 00:08:23,560 Cobb: Well, shucks! We all shot him! At exactly the same time and at exactly the same place! Squatch: What are the odds of that?! 103 00:08:24,519 --> 00:08:31,319 *Wynn laughs* Wynn: Well, if we're being completely honest with each other, I think this is for the best! I mean, I never really wanted peace! 104 00:08:31,319 --> 00:08:37,379 Cobb: Oh, get outta town! I didn't want a truce either! Reg: Yeah, I just was kinda going along with what everyone else seemed to want. 105 00:08:43,139 --> 00:08:50,139 Squatch: Well, that is just too funny! You know, I'm glad we were able to set our differences aside and come to a unanimous, peaceful resolution. *Everyone speaks at once in agreement* 106 00:08:51,919 --> 00:08:56,339 *Guns cock... then gunfire* 107 00:08:56,679 --> 00:09:07,899 Narrator: A subsequent autopsy revealed that Hutch died of a heart attack immediately after the lights went out. ...What a goddamn shame.