Vic: All right, I got a joke for ya!
What's black and white and red all over?
Oh, snap!
Wait! Wait! This joke doesn't make any sense until you see the next story!
OK, so... I'll just describe it to you then, so you'll get my joke!
Um, it's about another group of Reds and Blues, and it's really funny, and um...
Man, you know what? I'm just gonna keep working on my material.
Reg: Well, what I'm trying to say is--- Deuce: I don't CARE what you're trying to say!
What I'm actually saying is---
Cobb: My red-hearted mama always told me not to trust a dirty Blue and I'm sure not gonna start now!
Hutch: Quiet!
We've been here for 3 hours and we haven't been able to compromise on ANYTHING!
We're no closer to peace than when we started!
Wynn: Well, Hutch, we'd already have peace if you Reds would just die already, like decent people!
Squatch: Or peacefully surrender!
Deuce: After you're all dead!
*Hutch sighs* Hutch: Wynn, take control of your men. Need I remind you we're locked in here and those doors won't open until we reach an agreement. Or we're all dead.
Reg: Whose idea was that anyway?
Hutch: Mine! Deal with it.
Cobb: Well, looks like we gotta get to peacemakin' or we're gonna be in more trouble than a bull moose in Blood Gulch!
*Cobb spits*
Cobb: Aw, God, why do I keep spittin' in my helmet!?!
Squatch: This is hopeless!
What are the odds of us ACTUALLY reaching peace?!
Marlowe: Statistically insignificant, my dear naive Squatch. We're as good as dead.
Deuce: Fine by me! The only good Red is a dead Red!
Squatch: A dead Red with bed head!
Deuce: In a lead shed!
Cobb: He said.
Hutch: Knock it off, boys! Especially you, Cobb.
Remember which side you're on here!
Cobb: Sorry, Hutch. Got caught up in the moment. No way am I gonna mistake myself for a two-faced, mud-suckin' Blue!
Wynn: That's it! We're outta here! Deuce, bust open those doors!
Hutch: You're leaving over my dead body--
*lights go out*
*indistinct chattering followed by a shotgun shot and a body thudding to reveal.... Hutch is dead and more indistinct chattering*
Squatch: Oh, my God, there's a murderer in here! I gotta get outta here!
Reg: Don't even bother, Squatch. Those doors aren't opening...
Marlowe: Reg is correct. We're not leaving until we find peace... or we're all dead.
Cobb: Well, it's obvious who shot Hutch! It was Wynn! Wynn: M-me!?! Why me?!
Reg: You're the leader of the Blues. You benefit the most from his death!
Deuce: Nyah, see? My commander wouldn't hurt a fly! Unless it was a Red! Oh, wait...
Marlowe: I believe it was you who said the only good Red is a dead Red.
Deuce: What!? You're accusing ME now?! YOU'RE the one with those weird shifty eyes!! I mean look at him!
*suspenseful stinger music*
Deuce: Nyah, see, he's doing it right now! Marlowe: I'm not doing anything. Or am I?!
*suspenseful stinger music*
Cobb: Okay, look, people, we gotta sort this out! Now let's try what we used to do back on good ol' Alpha Centaur-I-Aye! A good old-fashioned lineup!
Reg: Good idea, Cobb! Everybody stand against that wall.
Deuce: Uhh... isn't there normally a witness who identifies the suspect?
Cobb: Oh! Right.
Wynn: Here's how we're gonna do it. One by one, let's step forward and say "I shot Hutch!". You first, Cobb.
Cobb: Alright! *steps up* I shot Hutch.
*Everyone else aims at Cobb and yells angrily over each other* Cobb: WHOAWHOAWHOAWHOA!! Don't shoot!!
Reg: This isn't gonna work. No lineup.
Deuce: Everybody say "I shot Hutch"... OH, GREAT IDEA, WYNN!!! Wynn: Don't sass me, Squatch!
Marlowe: Any other bright ideas, gentlemen?
Reg: I suppose we could... um... w-wait a second!
Wynn: Well, this doesn't seem right... Squatch: Uh-oh!
Reg: Where's the third Red?! Reds come here! Blue stays there!
Squatch: UH-OH!!! Reg: Wait... what is happening here?
Wynn: Yeah, hold on... I'm a little confused!
*Cobb sighs* Cobb: Look, Blue, will you just call your man over?
Wynn: Uh, yeah! Uh, uh, hey, Squatch! Bring our guy over! Squatch: What?! Why me?!
Marlowe: What in Heaven's name is taking you people so long?! Squatch: Well, you all look the same!
Cobb: No, we don't! We're Red! Y'know, the color of tomaters... celery... the OCEAN!
Wynn: Celery's not red! It's blue.
Reg: What are you, stupid? Celery's purple!
*Arguing ensues*
Squatch: I DON'T KNOW WHAT COLOR CELERY IS!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT COLOR ANYTHING IS!! EVERYTHING JUST LOOKS GREY!!!!
Reg: ...Do you mean to tell me that you can't... see... colors?
Reg: We-well... neither can I. Wynn: Um, OK, yeah, cards on the table... I just see everything in shades of grey. *Everyone begins to concur that they all have Achromatopsia*
Marlowe: Well, chaps, it appears that we all are extremely colorblind!
*Squatch laughs* Squatch: What are the odds of that??
Wynn: So you mean all of us have been fighting Blue vs. Red this whole time... AND NOBODY COULD SEE COLOR!?!!
Squatch: We were always on opposite sides of the map!
And I always thought those were random code names like "Delta Squad" or "Green Team"!
*Cobb stammers* Cobb: Alright, everyone calm down! Now we had a way of settling disputes like this back on good ol' Cassio-P-I-A!
Deuce: Meh, stars aren't planets! Cobb: Yes, they are! Big glowin' planets!
Marlowe: Good... yesss... fight... Reg: Wait! Who the hell are you?
Deuce: Uh, I'm one of you Reds! Hehe... Ob-obviously! Wynn: Deuce...
Deuce: I, I mean us Reds! Us Reds, yeah, see? Wynn: Deuce, we all know it's you! You've got a "2" on your shoulder!
Marlowe: Ah, but our dear Regina bears the same symbol! Reg: Yeah. And I'm clearly Reg.
Deuce: Yeah, see? That's exactly what Deuce would say! Cobb: ...Reg is a girl. Deuce: Damn right I am!
Wynn: Deuce, why the hell are you trying to switch sides anyway?! Deuce: *in a girly voice* Uh, uh, you gotta answer him!
Cobb: Awright, screw this! I'm killin' them both! Marlowe: Yess.... excellent! Reg: WHAT?!
Wynn: HEY!!
*Everyone aims their guns at one another* Reg: *gasp* Wait! It's the guns! Wynn: Huh?
Reg: Whoever shot Hutch will be missing a bullet! *examines her clip* See? Full clip! Wasn't me~!
So, uh, who's next? How about... you? Squatch!
*Squatch shivers and panics* Wynn: C'mon, Squatch! Show us your gun!
Marlowe: What's wrong, dear Squatch? Something to hide?! *Squatch continues to panic*
Squatch: FINE!!!! It was ME!! I KILLED HUTCH!!! *Everyone gasps* Squatch: I didn't mean to! The lights went out and I panicked!! I get jumpy in the dark! I, I swear I didn't mean it!
Cobb: Whoa whoa whoa! Wait just a corn-shuckin' minute! Now that I think about it... I heard a shotgun go off. That ain't a shotgun.
Marlowe: Well, chaps, it's been fun, but I'm afraid-- Deuce: Wait!! It was me! Nyah! *Squatch gasps* Squatch: REG?! Reg: ...You're such an idiot...
Deuce: Yeah, see? Killing's all I've ever been good at! If we had peace, I just dunno what I'd do!
Wynn: Thanks, Deuce, but I'm afraid I've got to come clean! I shot Hutch! Never trusted him. When the lights went out, I saw my opportunity to strike! Deuce: What?! I'm not lying, Wynn! Cobb: I shot him too!
I always envied Hutch's position. I'd make for a much better leader, just listen to my accent!!
Marlowe: But... then that means... Squatch: We ALL shot Hutch?!
Marlowe: Yes, except for Reg, it seems. *Reg laughs* Reg: All right, you got me! I swapped guns with Hutch after I shot him!
You see, when I was first stationed here, Hutch stole my rations and from that day forward, I--- Marlowe: Alright, alright, no one cares to hear your life story.
Cobb: Well, shucks! We all shot him! At exactly the same time and at exactly the same place! Squatch: What are the odds of that?!
*Wynn laughs* Wynn: Well, if we're being completely honest with each other, I think this is for the best! I mean, I never really wanted peace!
Cobb: Oh, get outta town! I didn't want a truce either! Reg: Yeah, I just was kinda going along with what everyone else seemed to want.
Squatch: Well, that is just too funny! You know, I'm glad we were able to set our differences aside and come to a unanimous, peaceful resolution. *Everyone speaks at once in agreement*
*Guns cock... then gunfire*
Narrator: A subsequent autopsy revealed that Hutch died of a heart attack immediately after the lights went out. ...What a goddamn shame.