(movie projector starting)
(slow music)
(upbeat music)
(dramatic music)
(upbeat music)
♪ If you want me to wait ♪
♪ I won't be made a fool ♪
♪ You better not be the bait ♪
♪ Don't you know what you do ♪
♪ For years you could've walked alone ♪
♪ You made the choice ♪
♪ You knew you had to keep your home ♪
♪ Now you lose that comfort zone ♪
♪ You've outgrown, and how you've flown ♪
- [Normandy] It all started
with my dad's over 30 men's soccer league.
Even though my dad's getting older,
he still thinks he can keep up with the youngsters.
I guess it's a midlife crisis kind of thing?
Every Friday night, the old men play soccer
and afterwards they get together for a few beers,
some wine, and hors d'oeuvres with the wives.
Normally they talk about who's stepping out on who
or how the economy is in the crapper,
but for whatever ill-conceived reason
on the night of May 31st,
they started talking about kids these days
and how the internet, mobile phones,
and digital revolution is fracking their brains
and turning them into zombies,
rendering them unable to personally interact with others
and engage in meaningful conversations.
In other words, they think the move from the dinosaur age
to the digital world has resulted in the largest brain drain
in the history of mankind,
rendering us kiddos void of the ability
to emotionally connect with others
and unable to cope in a face to face world
without the crutch of our beloved digital indulgences.
Anyway, when the old man and old lady get together
with some other antiques, throw back a few adult bevs,
the results of the conversation are typically harmless
and in almost every case meaningless.
Unless, of course, it happens to be May 31st.
- Used to be when you'd see a car weaving in
and out of lanes, there was a 99% chance
it was an old fart or a drunk driver.
These days it seems like it's a 90% chance
it's a teenager texting and driving.
- Exactly.
My car almost got hit the other day
by a teen texting and driving.
And when I honked at him, he gave me the one finger salute
and went right back to texting and driving.
- You know, my kids can even hardly cross the street
without texting or looking at their cell phones.
I mean, they're oblivious
to everything going on around them.
Last week, Francois almost got hit by a car
while he was crossing the street.
- You know, I read an article recently
that talked about college kids having a hard time
getting jobs and the interview process
because they can't make eye contact.
They're so used to using their phones to communicate,
they just forgot how to do this sort of in person stuff.
And you know, the same article talked
about how they can't remember seven numbers either.
- I still remember my phone number from grade school.
- So do I.
I even remember some of my friends' numbers.
- Look here, I still remember the number
of that pizza place we used to prank every other week.
(laughs)
- Yeah, back in the days before caller ID, we had some fun.
I mean, you could prank anyone without repercussions.
- I heard the most terrible thing
about Sally Staffordson's daughter.
Evidently her boyfriend, all of three months,
asked her to text him a nude photo of herself.
And this boy said it would be for his eyes only.
- Tell me she did not send him a nude photo.
- Yes, she did.
- Oh god.
- He then texted it on to all of his friends,
who texted it on to all of their friends,
and now you have this photo making its way around,
I mean, who knows, the world?
- I remember as a teenager,
the only way that I could see a pair of boobs was
to sneak a peek at my dad's Playboy magazine
when he was out of town.
Or, on a very rare occasion,
the Mrs. Robinson of our neighborhood
would leave the lights on and the curtains up.
Yeah.
- Main engine.
- Solid rocket boosters, ignite.
- We have liftoff.
(laughs)
- That was the best part of my youth.
- Yeah, but you know, there's always the lingerie section
of the JC Penney catalog.
(laughs)
- Well, you all know he's out there looking
for a Little Bo Peep outfit for himself.
(laughs)
- All right, anyway, the point is
when we wanted to see some boobies when we were teenagers,
we had to work at it.
Whereas today on the internet they hold nothing back.
I mean, if you wanted to see Doug
in his Little Bo Peep outfit doing a whole bunch
of unnamely things with a whole bunch of unnamely people,
well, you could certainly find it.
- I'm worried about the next generation's social skills.
- Or lack thereof.
- Kids today ask each other out by texting,
break up by texting.
The majority of their communication is done by texting.
- Can you just imagine an entire generation
with limited or underdeveloped social skills?
- It's really quite sad when you think about it.
- Why don't we just take their phones away from them?
- And the internet. - And their video games.
- That'll go over like a lead balloon.
- I'm not saying take it away forever.
- But maybe for a month.
- Yeah, like a 30 day respite from, say, all electronics.
- So it's like a digital detox of sorts.
- The only way this works is if we're all on board.
We need to be a united force.
- If any of us waver,
then this whole digital detox is gonna blow up
and it will be a complete waste of time.
- I have no problem taking the internet
and electronics away from Buford.
- So are we really gonna do this?
Roy and Chandra, are you in?
- If Doug and Petra are in, then we're in.
- Yeah, we're in.
But maybe we oughta show a sign of solidarity
and do this, have a family get-together,
maybe after the men's soccer games the next four weeks?
- Yeah, we could all take turns hosting
and bring all the kids so they don't feel
like they're going through it alone.
You know, I mean, they might even learn some social skills.
- I like that.
Let's make the kids go to both the soccer games
and the afterparty.
- Well, yeah, 'cause we only got four weeks left
in the soccer season anyway, so.
- All right, let's do it.
- That just leaves Steve and Marci.
- We're in.
- [Woman] All right.
- [Man] 30 days.
- [Normandy] Okay, so at this point,
I majorly hate the antiques.
My life is ruined at the tender age of 16.
I've been hobbled by my own parents.
Seriously, what am I supposed to do for the next 30 days?
Oh god, I can just imagine my life now.
- Are you selling lemonade?
- Kind of.
- How much is it?
- Well, you see, I'm not really selling it for money,
I'm more bartering for it.
- Bartering for what?
- Well, you see, I'll give you and your kiddos
as much lemonade as you want if you, say,
let me use your cell phone for a bit?
- Oh, you need to make a call.
- Yeah, that'd be great
if I had all my friends' phone numbers memorized,
but who does that?
So I was thinking maybe I could just play Candy Crush
or Flappy Bird for a while,
or you know, maybe take selfie, that'd be good too.
- Why I would I want a picture of your selfie on my phone?
- Well, I just haven't taken one in a while
and maybe I'm having withdrawal pains or something.
Please, won't you help me?
- I'm sorry, we can't help you.
- Candy Crush?
- I'm sorry.
- [Normandy] Flappy Bird?
- Not today.
- [Normandy] Is this really happening?
The old man and old lady have gone off the deep end
without their floaties.
Maybe if I make their lives miserable enough,
they'll undo this misdeed?
- You know we love you
but if you try to make our lives miserable
in any way, shape, or form,
I'm gonna be adding 30 days
to this little digital-free journey of yours.
(buzzes)
- [Normandy] All right then.
Can someone please pull out the wooden stake
that Daddy just drove into my precious and innocent heart?
Nothing good can come of this.
I can only imagine how the others are going to take it.
I don't even hang with any of them.
You got the jock, Buford,
who seems to be every bit of an athletic supporter.
The cheerleader, Olivia,
who has said exactly two words to me since freshman year.
The rocker, Bentley, who clearly lives in a different world
than the rest of us.
And the French kid, Francois,
who puts the D in dork and the G in geek
and appears to be scared of his own shadow.
And it doesn't help Francois
that his parents unknowingly hosed him with their last name.
- All right, quiet down, quiet down.
Wanna welcome a couple new students here
to sophomore art at Parker High.
Let's see here, Samantha D'Armin.
Are you here?
Samantha, stand on up.
Everybody, let's welcome Samantha to the class.
(class applauds)
(cheers)
Okay, that's enough, that's enough.
Let's see, who else?
Francis.
- It's actually Francois.
- Francois, yes.
Francois...
Buttwipe?
(class laughs)
- No, it's Butwipee?
- Boot, butt, whippy?
Buttwipe?
Buttwipay?
- Butwipee.
It's a French name.
- Welcome to Parker High, Buttwipe.
- Enough, Buford, enough.
Okay.
- [Normandy] Need I say more?
From that day forward, Francois was known as Buttwipe.
Although he was a super dweeb
and as low on the popularity gauge as you could go,
he had the most popular nickname
of anyone in the entire high school.
I even think some
of the teachers secretly called him Buttwipe.
- Do you have this Buttwipe kid in class this year?
- Well, I think Buttwipe is in all college class prep.
- Hopefully makes him smart.
- Well, it's hard to tell at this point.
- Is he gonna graduate this year?
- Well, not if he keeps getting stuffed into lockers.
- [Normandy] So there you have it.
A jocker, a rocker, a tight crotch, and a beeyotch.
The question remains, how are these four fellow students
going to handle the crap slap coming their way?
And how much grief am I going to get for it?
- Buford, come down.
Your father and I would like to talk to you.
- [Buford] Mom, come on, the game's on.
I'll come down later.
- We really would like to talk to you now.
- [Buford] But Mom, it's the fourth quarter and--
- Get your ass down here now.
- Coming.
What is it?
- Well, honey, your dad and I
and some friends were talking and--
- We're taking away all your electronic devices,
your cell phone, your internet for next 30 days.
- What did I do wrong?
- Hey, hey, hey.
End of story, deal with it.
(knocking)
- Yeah?
- [Chandra] Olivia, dear, may we come in?
- Yeah, I'm just painting my toenails.
- Sweetheart, you know your father
and I love you very much, right?
- Oh god, are you guys getting a divorce?
Because that's exactly what Cynthia's parents said
right before they tore her world apart.
- No, pumpkin, we're not getting a divorce.
Your mother and I love each other very much.
- Did someone die or one of you sick?
- No, everything is fine.
No one is dying or sick.
We just need to talk with you for a bit.
- (laughs) Is this about sex?
Because that would be really creepy
and a little bit awkward for both of you
to be in here talking to me about it right now.
- No, pumpkin, we want to talk to you about your phone
and the internet.
- See, sweetheart, we were at the Meadows' house.
- Wait, as in Normandy Meadows' parents' house?
Are these the Meadows we're referring to?
- Yes.
- That child of theirs is so odd.
Who names their kid Normandy?
I mean, I get Mandy, even Norman if she were a boy,
but Normandy?
- Well, honey, this isn't about her name.
Like your father said,
this is about your cell phone and the internet.
- I promise I won't text and drive.
- Well, we had a little something else in mind.
You see, there was a bunch of us over there
at the house the other night and we decided--
- [Chandra] As a group.
- Yeah, as a group, to have our children experience
what it's like to be without mobile phone,
video games, or internet access.
For 30 days.
COL, honey.
- (laughs) You mean LOL, honey.
This is obviously a joke.
- No, I mean COL.
- COL?
What does that even mean?
- Cry out loud.
(guns firing)
- Why do I have to?
(whispering)
- Bentley?
- Bentley, honey?
- Bentley.
- Sup?
- Well, honey, some friends of Daddy and I were talking
and we thought it might be a good idea
if you used your electronic devices a bit less.
You know, like your cellular device and the interweb
and the digital webnet bandwidth megs floppy...
- Stop, please.
Please stop.
Stop trying to talk tech, please.
My ears are burning.
You're butchering every tech term known to man.
Seriously, dudes?
What are you trying to say?
- Well, honey, what we're trying to say is that--
- What your mother and I are saying is
we think it'd be best if you were to refrain
from electronics for a period of time.
- And why on God's green earth would I do that?
Ever heard of self-inflicted wounds?
Yeah, it's basically the same thing, peeps.
- Well, honey, you don't have to do this alone.
- Listen, if you guys wanna forgo this digital fruit,
then by all means, knock yourselves out.
- We're not talking about us.
We're talking about you and some of your classmates
going through this unplugged experiment?
- Listen, if any of my lame classmates wants
to do some digital retreat, then that's their problem.
But I need my fix.
- Honey.
We're here for you, you know that.
- Please, you are invading my personal space
and filling my free-spirited head with nauseating thoughts.
- Look, son, we knew this would be difficult for you
so to make it easier on us, while you were sleeping,
we confiscated your cellular phone
and your ePad device and called the cable company
and temporarily disconnected the interweb
and blogosphere and all your techsations?
- Seriously?
How long must I suffer through this mayhem?
Like, a few days?
A week?
What are we talking here?
- 30 days, son.
- What the?
- Hey, come on outside.
It's so nice out here, let's sit on the deck.
- Sounds good, let me call Francois up here.
- Great.
- [Piere] Francois, come on up here for a second.
- What did you want?
- Well, your father and I met
with a group of parents the other night from his soccer team
and we all thought it might be a good idea
for our kids to go without their cell phones,
their video games, and the internet for the next 30 days.
- And we'd just make a social event out of it
after the game on Friday nights.
- Are there gonna be any girls involved
in this Friday night social thing?
- Yes.
There's that Normandy girl and then,
who's the cheerleader?
- Olivia Miller.
- Will Mrs. Miller also be there?
- Yes, Mrs. Miller would also be part of the group.
- I'm in.
(water splashing)
(dramatic music)
- As I sit here in digital-less purgatory
with nothing to do, I find myself staring at my grandmother.
You know, I never really look looked at her in a long time.
I feel bad seeing her getting old.
She's always been good to me
and she by far is the best friend I've ever had.
In a weird way, I almost feel guilty.
In the past few years, I've been preoccupied
and not as attentive to her as I should have been.
When did she get so pale?
Looks like she's not seen the sun in years.
And where did all those wrinkles come from?
At that moment, I realized that my grandma
had been punked by Father Time.
(water splashing)
So this is what I have to look forward to when I'm older.
Pale, gray, and wrinkly, just like Granny Chick.
I sit here staring at my grandmother
as a witness to the ravages of time, no flour needed.
I know you can't stop the hand of time
but as sure I am sitting here,
I am going to do what I can to see my grandma go out
with a bang and not a fizzle.
Screw you, Father Time.
Hey, Gramster.
- Yes, Mandy?
- How about we take a girls' day out today?
- Really?
- I don't see any reason why we wouldn't.
- I'd love to!
Are you sure you're okay, Mandy?
- Never felt better.
Now let's get rocking, Granny Chick.
- (laughs) You're on, Mandy Chick.
(upbeat music)
♪ This town is burning ♪
♪ But I'm afraid to step out on my own ♪
♪ I'm afraid to be alone ♪
♪ And my heart is beating ♪
♪ Right about to jump out of my chest ♪
♪ But I don't know what's best for me ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ One shot, you can take it, oh ♪
♪ One heart maybe you'll break it but go ♪
♪ 'Cause these days you don't get second chances ♪
♪ This life, you wanna live it light ♪
♪ But this time you gotta do it right ♪
♪ 'Cause these days you don't get second chances ♪
♪ Get second chances ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ These days you don't get second chances ♪
♪ This night is restless ♪
♪ But I've got a burning in my bones ♪
♪ I need to step in the unknown ♪
♪ What if I don't make it ♪
♪ What if I come toppling from up high ♪
♪ Well, at least I'll know I tried ♪
♪ I've gotta try, yeah ♪
♪ One shot, you can take it, oh ♪
♪ One heart, maybe you'll break it but go ♪
♪ 'Cause these days you don't get second chances ♪
♪ One shot, you can take it, oh ♪
♪ One heart, maybe you'll break it but go ♪
♪ 'Cause these days you don't get second chances ♪
♪ This life, you wanna live it light ♪
♪ But this time you gotta do it right ♪
♪ 'Cause these days you don't get second chances ♪
♪ Get second chances ♪
- [Granny] Mandy, I'm not so sure about this.
- Come on, Granny Chick, hand it over.
When this is all said and done,
if Grandpa still has it in him,
well, you'll see soon enough.
Dang, Granny Chick, I had no idea you were rockin' Ds.
- [Granny] You should have seen me back in the day.
(laughs) My boobs were large enough
to create their own gravitational pull
and I had no shortage of young men orbiting.
- Granny Chick, you little minx.
- [Granny] Got that right, Mandy.
- Oh, here comes Pam-Pam the spray tan ma'am.
You better say something before she opens the curtain
so she knows you're really alive in there.
I bet she hasn't seen anyone as pale as you
unless they were dead.
- [Granny] I'm not that pale.
- You make the Pillsbury Dough Boy look
like the tanning mom.
Hey, listen, she's as pale as a 10 day old corpse
but I assure you she's still alive.
She has wrinkles on her wrinkles
and her boobs are probably touching her knees.
Oh, and one more thing?
There's a fairly decent possibility she's wearing a diaper
so fair warning on the freak out meter.
Let's just take a deep breath, maintain our composure,
and get this thing done.
- [Granny] What's wrong, honey?
Haven't you ever seen a pair
of 44D low rider raisin titties?
Now snap out of it and do your thing
before I show you how to fill a pair of adult diapers
with a steaming pile of...
- Got Granny Chick the clothes, got her a tan,
and now only one item left on my list
to perfecta my trifecta.
You ever wondered why so many older women have blue hair?
At what point in their life did they decide,
you know, I'm tired of being a blonde
or a redhead or a brunette.
You know, I think I'm going to go for a hair color change.
And of all the colors in the color spectrum,
I'm choosing to go blue.
Seriously, even punk rockers never made
a decisive move to blue.
You had your pink and your purple
and occasionally some blue,
but not an all-out full unadulterated commitment to blue.
And some of these grannies have been sporting blue
for 10 to 15 years.
What gives, are they color blind?
When you get up in age,
do you lose the ability to see the color blue?
Or all the beauty salons are in on the same sick plot?
Or maybe the Blue Man Group is
behind a giant hypnotic scheme to use unaware old ladies
as some sort of advertising gimmick.
Pardon me, ma'am.
Can you tell me what color this is?
- What are you asking me this question for?
- Pardon me, ma'am.
Can you tell me what color this is?
Has anyone from the Blue Man Group contacted you
in the past, say, 10 years that you're aware of?
Oh, and by the way,
you wouldn't happen to have a cell phone I could borrow,
would ya?
If you're a senior woman and you're within the sound
of my voice, it's time to fight back.
Become a trendsetter and think outside the box.
Go with green, orange, any hair color except for blue.
Even going back to your natural hair color
is better than blue.
Don't let these hair practitioners punk you any longer.
Please, on behalf of myself and society as a whole,
lose the blue.
Enough of the hair scare.
Time to cowgirl up.
Hey, enough with the fake dog poop prank.
First three times, okay, it was funny.
But the last 45 times, it's been annoying.
Now, without further ado,
I would like to present to you the new and improved,
one and only Granny Chick.
- Jumping Jehosaphat, Mandy,
you took 40 years off that woman.
Young lady, would you like to go
to a movie and dinner with me tonight?
- It's a date, Romeo.
- I'm gonna go get ready.
I feel like I've gone back in time to high school.
(kisses)
- Oh, Granny Chick.
It's so great to see Grandpa so happy.
So, so great.
- It'll be good to see him sport wood again too.
(boings)
- I could have gone the rest of my life without that visual.
Dang, Granny Chick, what gives?
I am mentally scarred for life.
The upside is I have my dad's boring soccer game tonight
and I get to hang out with four people
that I don't really know or care for,
one of which hates me for reasons unknown.
Yep, that's me, living the dream.
All right, doofus, why are you staring at me?
Because it's gone past the point of annoying
and I'm getting ready to either rip out your eyeballs
and stuff them into your rectum
so you can get a bird's eye view of what an ass you're being
or punch in the tube steak.
I haven't made up my mind yet.
- Oh.
I'm sorry, I wasn't staring at you.
I was actually staring at that red-breasted nuthatch.
It looks like it's like an inch off of your head
and 30 degrees off of your ear.
- Now I don't know if I should be happy
that he's not staring at me
or pissed that he's not staring at me.
How lame is it that I'm even having
this mentally taxing dilemma on a Friday night
about the real intentions of a Speedo-wearing dweeb?
How long until you finish studying the intricacies
of the migratory diphthong theorem?
Because if it's gonna be much longer,
I'm really thinking about taking a cheese grater
to my eyeballs and, wait,
why are you sitting next to me anyway
instead of with the pork sword consortium?
- [Francois] Oh, I don't really fit in with them.
I don't really fit in anywhere.
- Aw, don't be so hard on yourself, champ.
I'm sure you can find a group of Speedo-wearing guys
to pal around with and compare banana hammocks.
- Banana hammocks?
- Think about it, Einstein.
(girl giggling)
- It's a European thing, I'm French.
- They need to change the name of that thing.
- And call it what?
- To a Speedon't.
- (laughs) Oh, I see, yeah.
You got a funny way with words.
No, but there aren't actually a lot
of banana hammock-wearing guys around here,
but that would be a very strange reason
to hang around anyone anyway.
- I'm just kidding, B-berry.
- Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
I guess I just need to work on my sense of humor.
(thuds)
(whistle blows)
- You suck!
That's bullshit!
- I'm just better off not saying anything at all.
I'm such an ass.
♪ I'm gonna have a meltdown ♪
- I saw what you did.
That was intentional, you D-bag.
- It was an accident.
Nothing to see here, move along now.
- You think you're tough?
You're not tough at all.
You are so inferior to these other players,
you feel like you have to cheat to make up for it?
Where does that sense of inferiority come from,
because you're hung like a light switch?
- Yeah, right.
You couldn't tell the difference between a light switch
and a field mouse.
- Oh, so you're hung like a field mouse,
is that what you're saying?
- No, that's not what I'm saying.
- So light switch then?
- Yes, I mean, no, no, not a light switch.
- Make up your mind.
Are you hung like a light switch or a field mouse,
which one is it?
- Neither, none.
- So you're not hung at all?
Are you concave then?
Just listening to you debate with yourself
over whether you're hung like a light switch,
a field mouse, or nothing at all leads me to conclude
that you're about as bright as 12 midnights in a closet.
- [Man] Ma'am, you're gonna have to leave the field.
- I just saw you take out my dad, you doorknob.
You think you have to resort to cheating
and causing physical harm to take out players
who are better than you.
You know, players who run circles around you?
- Miss, you're going to have to leave the field.
- I'm sorry, was I talking while you were interrupting?
- You're going to have to leave the field.
- Why is this ass gasket still on the field?
- [Man] Drag him off the field already.
- Since when do you pull a yellow card
for full on red card infraction?
You know, a vicious and intentional take-down?
Are yellow cards all you carry?
You even have a red card in there?
You need to throw this ball slapper off the field
and out of the league.
- You need to leave the field, please.
- I'll leave the field when you do your job
and throw this (mumbles) off the field.
Oh, so you do have a red card.
You just choose to use it on 16 year old girls
instead of maliciously violent
just out of prison type players.
You were in prison, right?
- [Man] Come on, ref, let's go!
- [Man] Just got out last week.
- Yeah, I can see the rope marks on your neck.
- What rope marks?
I was just kidding.
- Soap on a rope rope marks,
which by the way are a clear indicator
that you were a repeat offender.
- You need to leave the field now.
- There, how do you like that?
May not be red yet
but you're obviously on the rag, so you can have it.
- Miss, you're going to have to leave the field.
- You go, girl.
- You need to kick this mule-slapping short arm
off the field or, or I'm gonna lick this.
- You wouldn't.
- She's not gonna lick it.
Let's get on with the game.
Touched your tongue to that, you're crazy.
- Crazy, huh?
That wasn't crazy.
You wanna see crazy?
(audience laughs)
(gags)
Hey, ye of small mind and penis, that'd be you,
no one does that to my dad and gets away with it,
not while I'm in the stands.
And next time our team plays yours,
I'm gonna be here and I'm gonna be looking for you.
You think licking dog crap is crazy?
Next time if you show up,
I'm gonna show you the real meaning of what crazy is.
- Okay, it's time to eat.
Who wants burgers, who wants dogs?
Buford, what can I get you?
- [Buford] I'll take two of each, please.
- Bentley, honey, what would you like?
- [Bentley] I think I'll dog it out tonight
with a double header, if you don't mind.
- Translation, he'll have two hot dogs.
Olivia?
- [Olivia] One dog, please.
- Francois?
- [Francois] Burger, please, with cheese if you have it.
- Oh, we have cheese, son.
And Normandy, that leaves you.
What can I get you, young lady?
- [Normandy] Dog, please.
- It'll be good to see him sport wood again too.
(boings)
- [Normandy] I changed my mind.
Make it a burger, please?
- But honey, your favorite has always been hot dogs.
- [Normandy] Thanks to that disturbing visual
that is burned into my still-developing brain,
I am no longer to eat any foods
that have the shape of a phallic symbol.
This is crazy.
No more hot dogs, sausages, or brats.
No more popsicles, carrots, cucumbers, squash,
zucchini, French bread.
How can a few stupid words cobbled together
in a sentence create
such a strong, albeit disturbing, visual
that I can't seem to get out of my brain?
I am putting an end to this.
I need to hit the delete button right now.
- Yo, girl, take it easy.
Happy to share.
Didn't know you had the munchies.
- I don't have the munchies, Zeppelin.
I just needed to take a bite of that hot dog
at the very moment.
Nothing to see here, carry on.
- [Olivia] Odd much?
- Yes, as a matter of fact, I am odd much.
And you know what?
I don't have a problem with it
and I'll be the first to admit it.
You realize in two years of high school,
you've now spoken a sum total of four words to me?
Congratulations, this represents a 100% increase
in word volume since the first time you spoke to me,
so we are making significant progress.
- Whatever.
- Whoa there, Madonna.
That's another 25%.
At this rate, you stand a decent chance
of speaking a full sentence to me in four years
and a paragraph in 11.
Oh, suspense is killing me.
- That's a lot of trophies over there.
I didn't know you were a bull rider.
- Nope, those are my pop's.
- He was a bull rider?
- Yeah.
He won the circuit like six times.
He was national champion three times,
back before the sport paid anything.
- My dad was a bullfighter in Spain for a year
and then he got a work visa
in the States for like two years
and he was, during his stay, he was a rodeo clown.
And before he moved back to France
and then he married my mom
and then he moved back to the States.
And that was all before he got into medicine.
- Yeah, yeah, that's quite a leap.
Rodeo clown to medicine?
- Yeah.
I don't suppose that he ever did anything
with the clown thing.
But yeah, he doesn't have any trophies like your dad.
- So, Normandy.
Why'd your parents come up with this lame idea
to send us back to the Dark Ages?
- Well, you see, Roid Rage,
wasn't so much my 'rents' idea
as it was the brainchild of a Wayne and Crystal
who just so happen to have the same last name as you.
So if you want to point the finger and lay the blame,
I'd suggest you look no further
than your very own moms and pops.
- Oh, I'll point the finger all right.
- Nice to see your caveman heritage is nice and intact.
You know, it's getting a little chilly in here.
Do you think you could make us a fire with some sticks?
- I got a stick for you.
- Oh, I don't see how a toothpick could give us
much of a spark, hashtag cromag.
- (laughs) Damn, Norm.
You've got a sharp tongue on you, girl.
- Yeah, we saw that tongue in action on the soccer field.
- Yeah, dude.
I was LMFAO big time.
- Normandy, you were amazing.
- Thanks, Grape Smuggler.
- So.
What do you guys wanna do for the rest of the night?
- Slit my wrist.
- We're all eyes.
Well, everyone except for Nugget Hug-it over there.
- What?
I thought that she was gonna do it.
- And why would you think that?
Have you never heard of sarcasm?
- Well, I just figured you're always
in a bad mood all the time.
I just thought that you were depressed or something.
- I'm not always in a bad mood.
Just when I'm around people like you guys.
I mean, why would our parents force us
into this lame get-together
with people we have absolutely nothing in common with?
I just cannot wait until my 30 day incarceration's over
and then the soccer season ends
and then we can go our separate ways
and never have to speak again.
- I just figured that we might as well
make the most of it or something.
- Make the most of what?
Do you realize that no one here likes you?
Buford stuffs you in a locker for fun,
Bentley and you have absolutely nothing in common,
and I doubt you've ever spoken
outside of this lame forced get-together.
For me?
Me and my friends would never consider even hanging out
with someone like you.
Normandy, well, hell.
I don't even know what's going on inside of her brain
but my guess is you guys have never had a conversation
outside of this as well.
- I just thought that--
- You just thought what?
That we were gonna hold hands and sing kumbaya together?
Get real, Buttwipe.
- That's Butwipee.
- You know, as much as I hate to say this
and agree with Olivia, she's probably right.
I mean, after we get done
with these last three soccer games,
I don't think the five of us
will ever talk to each other again.
- No shit, Sherlock.
So let's quit pretending this is anything
other than what it actually is.
As far as I'm concerned, you guys can count me out
of all your meaningless conversations
for the next three weeks.
- [Normandy] And that's how we ended
the first mandatory Friday night shindig.
Mark June 7th off the list
and banish it to the history books.
One down, three to go.
Next week, it's over to Olivia's house.
Yippee-kiyay.
- No idea they even made houses this big.
- What's it like living
in a modern day castle, Queen Olivia?
- Well, it's actually more fun when you're little
and you get to play hide and go seek.
Once you get older, it's just more housework.
- Oh, come on.
You're saying that you do housework?
Like you don't have a maid, or three?
- No, we don't have a maid.
My parents think that if you live in a house too big
to take care of yourself, you should get a smaller one,
so we do it all ourselves.
We don't even have lawn service or a pool guy.
- Heck, we have lawn service
and our house is 1/10 the size of yours.
- Yeah, we got a pool guy
and you could fit five pools in your one pool.
- Sounds like your parents are pretty well-grounded.
- I don't think my home life is much different
than you guys.
I have chores.
I have to make dinner twice a week
and I even have to clean the toilets every 3rd of the month.
Plus I buy my own clothes.
- Well, hell.
I mean, I've never cleaned a toilet before.
- I don't have to buy my clothes.
- I think people just assume that I get everything handed
to me because we live in a big house in a gated community.
But every single designer piece of clothing I own,
I buy with my own money.
Of course, with the exception of a few pieces
I borrow from my mom.
- Your mom.
(laughs) Your mom.
She is one fine-looking lady.
- Easy there, horndog.
You have no clue how many times I've heard that before.
Every single guy I've dated acted
like they were more into my mom than me.
I mean, good for her for staying in shape,
but I guess just sometimes I wish
she was just an average mom.
- [Normandy] Well, if this isn't just a cluster.
Olivia's ruining my ability and desire
to insult her the way I want to.
I had no idea she did manual labor
and paid for her own threads.
Maybe that's why she's in a bad mood all the time.
- So you have any brothers or sisters?
- Two older brothers, one older sister,
a sister two years younger than me,
and a six month old brother.
What is this anyway, Ask Olivia 1,000 Questions Night?
(sneezes)
- Nice snart, Buford.
- Snart?
What's a snart?
- (laughs) A sneeze and a fart.
- In that case, gezuntoot.
- That's disgusting.
- Olivia, you have a six month old brother.
What happened there?
- Not what you think, Guido.
My mom and dad adopted a baby from Russia
before Vladimir Putin signed the US anti-adoption bill.
- That Vlad needs to grab ankles and remove head.
- Yes, he does.
Along with a few other people.
- Why would someone sign such an asinine bill anyway?
- Good question, Dong Holster.
- Hey, oh, where's the closest bathroom?
- Through the kitchen, you'll see a hallway.
Take your first right, then your second left.
Try not to touch anything.
- Will do, Your Majesty.
- Rock on.
- How many bathrooms do you have?
- Six full, four half, all with bidets.
- You have more half baths than we have full bathrooms.
What's a bidet?
- We have those in France.
It's actually a good idea.
It's a lot like the drinking fountains
that we have at school except a bidet comes up
from inside of the toilet.
That way, whenever you're thirsty,
you could take a refreshing drink of cold water.
- Damn, Europeans think of everything.
I gotta check this out.
Is there another restroom that, you know,
Bentley's not using?
- Yeah.
Go through the kitchen, take your first left,
then your first right.
- [Francois] Don't forget to try the bidet.
Stay thirsty, my friend!
- Good one, Schlong Thong.
I didn't know you were so devious.
Hey, Olivia, mind if I take a look around the first floor?
Never been inside a house this big.
I promise not to steal anything.
- We have security cameras anyway.
- I was only kidding.
- I'm sure.
- So Olivia,
tell me about your mom.
(baby crying)
(gentle music)
♪ Sleep, little baby, don't you cry ♪
♪ Everything's gonna be all right ♪
♪ Listen to this lullaby ♪
♪ Hush, little baby, don't you cry ♪
- Great.
What is this all about?
Never had water come out of my eyes like this.
Who let a guy like Bentley get to me?
I never would have discovered he had a tender side
if I hadn't been forced into this stupid situation.
For the rest of my life, I would have seen Bentley
as nothing more than a pill-popping, dope-smoking,
hard core party rocker.
How was I supposed to know he was a hard rocker
with a soft heart?
Damn, Nugent, you scared the hell out of me.
I had something in my eye, I was trying to wash it out.
- Here, let me see.
- Oh, no, I'm sure it'll work its way out.
I flushed it with some water.
I flushed both eyes with water, it's an allergy thing.
- I don't mind.
- Oh.
- [Bentley] I don't see anything.
You know, I never noticed how beautiful your eyes are.
- Yeah, well, I never noticed that you wear cologne
or that your teeth were movie star white
and perfectly straight, or that you had a soul,
so I guess we're even now.
Now what do you say we go back outside
before someone comes to the wrong conclusion
or gets the wrong impression,
because that would be like insane?
- Why would that be insane?
- Well, you know, look at us.
We aren't exactly what people would consider...
Let's go back out there, sport.
- For the record, I've never smoked pot,
nor have I done any kind of illicit drug of any type.
People just assume that because I have long hair
and because I dress this way that I engage in that activity.
But it's not true.
- You heard what I said in there.
- I did.
- Like everything I said?
- Yep.
- Shit, if you ever--
- Don't worry, I won't say anything.
As long as you don't tell anyone
about what I did back there.
You know, singing to the baby and all?
I do have an image to maintain.
- Pinky oath.
- We have to seal it with a kiss.
- (laughs) Funny.
- No, seriously.
- No, you have to be off your hard rock rocker.
- The only way to make it official is
to seal it with a kiss.
It doesn't have to be on the lips or anything.
It can be on the cheek.
But those are the pinky swear rules I honor and respect.
- Right now, I so much want to make some crack
that he must have dropped too much acid
or must be hallucinating on shrooms,
but now that I know he's never used drugs,
it makes it very difficult
to react the way I normally would.
This is the second time tonight a stereotype turned out
to be false and it is seriously dampening my ability
to verbally insult at the high level I am used to.
You are such a dork.
And I'm forced to resort to that.
How lame.
- Right here.
- [Normandy] This is bullshit, you know.
- Yeah, that wasn't so bad, was it?
- Smooth move, Ozzie.
Ozzie without the drugs, of course, clean Ozzie.
Very clean, oh, wow.
- Right, clean Ozzie.
I got it.
- And if you ever pull anything like that on me again,
you're gonna be singing soprano
for the rest of your life, you hear?
Uh huh, think about that.
- Hey, guys, we're down here in the basement.
- Well, I guess we made it to the halfway point.
Other than learning how to use a European drinking fountain,
I don't think I learned anything more about any of you
than I did when I started this whole shitstorm.
- I have an idea.
Why don't we all tell something about ourselves
that no one else knows?
- Sounds like a lame game, Buttwipe.
- I agree.
- Why is it that rockers and jockers have such a hard time
revealing anything about themselves
that might not fit their self-prophetical molds?
- What?
No, I don't have a problem with it.
I just happen to think it's stupid
and I don't have any prophylactic mold on me.
- Have you ever stepped out
of your personal clique of friends?
- Uh, I do plenty of stuff
and I have plenty of friends outside of my usual group.
- Really?
Name two.
- Name two what?
- All right, outside your usual group,
you know, jock straps are us,
give us the names of two people you hang out with.
- Leo and Jen.
- Last names?
- DiCaprio and Aniston.
- You're really sharp as a marble, aren't you now?
- Busted, dude.
- You know, and so what?
So what if I don't hang around people
outside my usual group?
I mean, I bet none of you do either.
And what does that have to do
with Buttwipe's lame idea anyway?
- I happen to think Sperm Tourniquet here came up
with a good idea.
- Norm, you are killing me.
You've amassed a plethora of names
for Guido the Speedo over there.
You know, I'm keeping track of these
and I'm planning on writing a song about them.
- Knock yourself out, Jim Morrison.
- Well, sorry for the lame idea.
I was just trying to get a conversation going.
- So why don't you start then, Francis?
- Something about me that nobody else knows.
Oh, okay.
I am a third degree martial arts black belt.
Seriously.
- So why didn't you kick my ass
the last 20 times I shoved you into a locker?
- I was hoping that you would mature
and see bullying for what it really is.
- Listen, Buttwipe, I think you're full of shit.
- Sorry you don't believe me but I speak the truth.
(gasps)
- You could have told a bit less of a whopper.
Sure, these aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer
and you could have gotten away
with more than a little embellishment,
but you fell well within the margins
of even their mental limitations with that.
- So Normandy, why don't you tell us something
about yourself that no one else knows?
- Well, let's see.
I can run a four minute mile.
- Oh, I call bullshit on that one.
I didn't know this was who could tell the biggest lie.
I mean, you can hardly walk
and chew bubblegum at the same time, let alone run.
- Yeah, the only thing running on you, Normandy Meadows,
is your mouth.
- Sorry I participated.
- Norm, I find that very hard to believe.
I mean, I know Francois was lying
and as much as I want to believe you, I just don't see it.
- I'm not gonna go run the mile for you
just to prove it to you right now.
There's no way the antiques would give us permission
on mandatory family night to skip out right now.
- Who said we need to get permission from the 'rents?
- I ran track freshman year
and no one in the entire school district,
or state for that matter,
could pull off anything close to a four minute mile.
Normandy, you're full of shit.
- You accused me of telling a whopper.
- Well, I'm sure our parents would shit a brick anyway
if they found we'd snuck out.
I mean, all they'd have to do is come down to the basement
and see that, woo, we floated the coop.
- I didn't think you were telling the truth.
- Busted, Norm.
Next time, don't shoot so high with the lie.
- You are so lame.
- Hey, Marble Stack, you got a stopwatch on that thing?
- Accurate to six decimal places.
- [Normandy] Okay, let's do this.
- [Olivia] I'm not going out in this heat.
I'll be upstairs enjoying lemonade and the AC
while you idiots waste time at the track.
- This'll be entertaining.
- Why would she humiliate herself like this?
(dramatic music)
- Start the countdown, Pickle Pincher.
- [Francois] Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.
Now give me a count, Miami Meat Tent.
And that's how we ended June 14th.
It was the first time I ever ran the four minute mile
in front of anyone other than Granny Chick.
She was my trainer and always encouraged me.
Granny was clearly aware of the media frenzy
that would follow should I ever go public with this.
I didn't want the attention or the fame.
I have no desire to be in the record books
or up on the podium receiving an Olympic gold medal.
I did it for myself, and mostly for her.
In many ways, it seems she got more from it than I did.
Seeing her joy was my reward.
Banish June 14th to the history books.
Next Friday, we will be at Manberry Pudding Pack's house.
Giddy-up.
As I pull up to my house, I do not like what I see.
I recognize several family members' cars
in the driveway and on the street.
This almost always means one thing.
Something bad has happened.
My beloved Granny Chick died in her sleep of natural causes.
I lost one of the most important people in my life
and my one and only true best friend.
I had a special bond with my grandmother,
unlike any bond I have today.
Everyone always said, "You're your grandmother's child."
That's how much alike we were.
I know you're in a better place
and where you always said you wanted to be.
And I know God was waiting for you with open arms
and probably some trepidation.
I don't know if heaven can handle a personality like yours.
When the time comes that we're both up there
at the same time, well, watch out.
Might have to build a separate wing just for the both of us.
I know that you're safe and happy and very, very tan.
I'm jealous that God has you and I don't.
God, just please watch over her
and if she ever acts up or uses colorful language,
just please remember that you created her and,
and tell her I love her and I miss her.
(crying)
(thunder rumbling)
- Mandy, thank you so much.
- For what?
- For doing all the things you did
with your grandmother the last several weeks.
You know, she told me that you made her feel younger.
She couldn't stop talking about you.
- I really miss her, Grandad.
- So do I.
But I want you to think about her as she was in life,
not in death.
You know, even as she got older,
she still acted like she was in her 20s.
She was a wonderfully feisty woman.
Life so full of zest.
You and she are certainly cut from the same cloth.
- How long until this hurt goes away?
- Honey, believe me, it will get better someday.
I've lost many loved ones.
The pain is terrible, sometimes almost unbearable.
But you learn to reflect upon the life of the one you loved
and you think about the many great times we shared
and knowing that you'll be together again,
that's what takes away the hurt.
(sighs)
I love you, Normandy.
And I want to thank you
for helping your grandmother those last several weeks,
being so good to her.
You know, I found something in your grandmother's room.
I can't quite make out what it is
but it's got your name on it.
Thought that you should have it.
(upbeat music)
- May I keep this, Norman G. Meadows?
- Yes, you can, Normandy Dell Meadows.
Screw the Blue Club?
Oh.
You'll be better.
- [Normandy] Holding this in my hands meant more to me
at this moment than anything in the world.
I don't know how far Granny Chick got
with her Screw the Blue Club
but to know I played a small role
in this effort of hers is so very comforting.
Never realized how good a soccer player my dad is.
Damn, even though he's getting older, he's still got game.
Over the course of the last two soccer games,
I certainly have a better appreciation of my dad's ability
and I think this motley crew is having the same feeling
about their respective pops.
Our first mandatory game together,
Bentley was trying to pick up girls
and nowhere in sight as usual
and Buford was playing grab ass.
Francois was analyzing the intricacies
of the migratory bird life
and Olivia was filing her nails.
Other than my unplanned impromptu appearance on the field,
none of us were really paying much attention.
- Sorry about your grandmother.
I know that you were close.
- Thanks, Lolly Catcher.
- We all signed a card for you.
- Sorry for your loss, Norm.
- Thanks, guys.
I really appreciate the thought.
(upbeat music)
- Two great goals tonight by Meadows here.
- Thanks, but I couldn't have done it
without two awesome assists, one from Roy over there
and the other from Piere.
And you, by the way, I don't think I saw a single goal
get past you on defense tonight.
Nice job.
- And it's so great
to see the kids finally taking an interest in the game.
- [Man] Were they watching us play?
- It was like night and day from the first game.
They couldn't take their eyes off the field.
- Yeah, probably hoping
your Normandy would make an appearance tonight.
(laughs)
- You know, all I know is
that when I looked up from the field
and got the thumbs up from Olivia,
I thought we had passed through some alternate universe
where everything was just the opposite of what it should be.
- If that were the case,
then you would no longer be a crossdresser.
(laughs)
- And you would be John Holmes.
(laughs)
- I just think it's really great
that they're participating in life
and in our lives in a human way,
and not some artificial electronic, you know, digital way.
- So, Marcy, you don't want Normandy to grow up
to be a robot?
- I don't want any of our kids to be a robot.
- I read recently that if grandparents want
to watch their grandchildren grow up,
they have to join all of these social media sites
just to become friends with their grandchildren.
- So sad.
- Sad but true.
If this experiment has a positive impact
on at least one of our children,
it is a complete success as far as I'm concerned.
- I agree with that.
I hope all our kids get something positive from this.
- Well, at least they're all outside talking to each other,
human to human.
- If this were three weeks ago,
they would be sitting next to each other,
staring at their phones without ever looking at one another.
- Well, I hope that they're all getting along
and having some type of meaningful conversation.
- Do you guys remember, right before we got off for summer,
you know that Thursday we had off
for parent-teacher conferences?
- Yeah, I vividly remember
because Mrs. Stratford, who happens to hate me,
gave me a D in Home Ec and I was totally in the hot seat.
But then I just convinced my parents
that she's borderline mental and hates girls like me.
- What, uptight bitchy girls?
- No, Wiener Challenged, classy girls.
(laughs)
- That's a good one, Wiener Challenged.
- Whoa there, Ding-a-ling Fling.
You're entering familiar territory.
Now can we nuke the sideshow antics and let Buford continue?
Might be the last time he ever shares anything with us.
- Yeah, guys, I wanna hear this.
Buford, the stage is yours.
- Okay, this never goes beyond our group
and if it does, I will deny it forever.
- You're among friends here.
- Relax, dude, we got your back.
Yes, you're among friends.
- Yes, you're among friends.
- Okay, all right.
So my mom asked me to run a quick errand, go to the store.
She gives me a list, I grab the list,
put it in my pocket, get in my car, go to the store.
I pull it out and I go down item by item
and I find everything in order on the list.
I know I'm not really much of a shopper
and this is kind of my first time,
so you know, I'm just grabbing the usual stuff.
I grab milk, I grab a thing of bread, I grab some apples.
But the last item on the list was unthinkable.
- Come on, big boy, let it out.
Set yourself free.
- Was it toilet paper?
- [Francois] Was it condoms?
- No, worse.
- Hemorrhoid ointment?
- Worse than that.
- Dude, what could be worse than hemorrhoid ointment?
- It was tampons.
- Dude, that's just plain cruel.
- That's child abuse.
- Oh, come on, it's not that bad, Bratwurst Bath Cap, geez.
- You have no idea.
- Yeah, you're a girl.
No self-respecting card-carrying male
should ever allow himself to be exposed
to that level of humiliation.
- I agree.
That's borderline corporal punishment.
- Oh, well, then what happened?
Come on, burning daylight here.
Tell us.
- Okay, all right.
It took forever to scope out the tampon aisle
and locate the right brand and type, right?
And so I thought, you know, when I got there,
I'd just grab the first box I saw and leave.
But then I thought I don't know how picky women are
about their tampons.
So I thought if I got the wrong one,
then I would have to return to the store,
return the item, go find the right item, buy it,
and then come back.
So I thought I would just consolidate my hell of hells
and get the right one the first time
because I didn't want to risk a return trip.
Okay, so anyway, I'm scoping out the tampon aisle
and I had to view the tampon aisle
from a strategic vantage point
while pretending to look for something else.
As soon as I located the right ones
and double checked that no one was in the area,
I made my move.
I waited for the checkout lane to become available,
where no one was waiting.
- Hello.
You're wearing a Parker High jersey.
Play football?
- Yeah, mid linebacker.
- [Cashier] I'm sorry, can't hear you.
- I'm sorry, it's my throat.
Laryngitis maybe.
- Oh, you should try that lemon eucalyptus tea.
What's your name?
- Buckingham.
Buford Buckingham.
- Buford Buckingham.
You know, my husband and I have not missed a game there
for eight seasons.
We'll keep an eye out for ya.
- [Buford] I couldn't believe my luck.
I only had one item left to go
and I would've been out of there, home free.
- Hey, Sarah, do you know where the bar code is
for these tampons?
- No, I don't know.
Isn't it on the box?
Well, call it in for a price check, honey.
- I need a price check for a 36 count tampon
for this young man wearing the jersey in lane four, please?
- [Announcer] Price is $2.35 for a 16 count package.
- I needed a price check for a 36 count package
of Lady Fresh Tampons, not 16.
- No, no, no, it's okay, I'll just leave 'em here.
- Are you sure?
I mean, I'd really hate for you to leave
without these tampons.
- Yes, I'm sure.
I'll just buy all this other stuff and I'll head home.
People are waiting in line here.
- [Announcer] 36 count, $5.29.
- Cancel that price check for a 36 count tampon
for Buford Buckingham in lane four, please.
- [Announcer] Canceling those tampons for Buford.
- Thank you.
Wait, Buford Buckingham, you forgot your tampons.
(laughs)
- I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
Great story, Buford.
- Yeah, I would've paid money to have been there.
- I think I peed my pants.
(laughs)
No, I'm serious, I think I peed my pants.
(laughs)
- Come with me, Olivia, I got you covered.
(laughs)
- So, guys, what do you think?
Ginger or Mary Ann?
- [Francois] What do you mean?
- Oh, come on.
Like you've never seen Gilligan's Island.
- I watched it with my dad a few times.
- Oh, yeah, I've seen that before,
at 3:00 a.m. on cable.
I still don't know what you're asking though.
- Come on, you got Ginger, the Hollywood royalty type,
or you have Mary Ann, the girl next door type, you know?
- Oh, I see where you're going with this.
You're asking which girl is more our type.
So we got the Olivia, who is the Hollywood royalty,
IE Ginger, or Normandy, who is the girl next door,
IE Mary Ann.
- Bravo, Speedo.
Connecting the dots like that?
- Well, Olivia's beautiful and all,
but Normandy is, well, I mean,
Normandy is smart and now we know that she's athletic.
And well, she's just, you know.
- Francis likes Normandy.
- [Francois] Well, I mean, Normandy's cute and,
so what do you prefer?
Ginger or Mary Ann?
- Well, right now,
Mrs. Howell's more my type.
- Hey, hey, hey, that's not fair.
I didn't know that was a choice.
- Oh, come on.
What red-blooded American 16 year old doesn't fantasize
about older women?
Mrs. Robinson wasn't a fairytale of days gone by.
It is as true today as it was back then.
- Yeah.
Older women for sure.
- Well, Bent, haven't heard from you yet.
- I like 'em all.
Mary Ann, Ginger, Mrs. Howell.
That's like asking me to choose between acoustic,
electric, or a bass guitar.
They're all a little bit different,
each has their own different sound.
Nonetheless, they'd all be fun to play.
My guess though is if I had to choose,
I'd rather take Mary Ann out of the guitar case
more than the others.
- Mary Ann?
What are you boys talking about?
- We were, uh, just talking about guitars.
- You named your guitar Mary Ann?
- What's wrong with that?
Lots of people name their guitars.
Hell, even Norm's grandma calls her guitar Brutus.
I'm sorry, Norm.
I didn't mean to bring anything up that might upset you.
- I miss her so much.
Is it okay if we change the subject
and maybe do that thing where someone says something
that no one else knows about them?
- Sure, I'm sorry, I'm so stupid sometimes.
- [Francois] Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.
- I wanna start.
The thing about me that no one else knows is
I really need a hug right now.
(gentle music)
- I wonder how the kids are getting along.
- [Woman] Would you look at that?
- We must have done something right.
- Never seen you wear normal clothes before.
You know, like stuff that costs under $100 an item?
- Olivia, you look really nice like that.
- Well, thanks.
Funny how it takes me wearing non-designer clothes
to finally get a compliment around here.
No offense, Normandy.
- None taken.
I think it's more than just the clothes though.
For the past few weeks,
I think we've all seen a different side of your personality.
Maybe one we'd never seen before.
- Storm's about to hit.
We should get inside before we get soaked.
- Good call, Ouch Pouch.
- [Francois] Here, I can get the trash
and I can meet you all inside.
- Francois.
- Oh, hi, Mrs. Milf, Miller.
- Why don't you just set those plates down here on the table
and I'll get 'em later.
Francois.
What's wrong with you?
It's like you have tunnel vision.
- Yeah, tunnel vision.
- Why don't you just take these
and go join your friends.
Everyone is in the living room.
- Oh, is that a picture of nipple, Napoleon Boner,
Napoleon Bonaparte, Napoleon Bonaparte?
- Yes, it's Napoleon Bonaparte.
Have you been drinking tonight?
- No, no, Mrs. Milf, Milfer, Miller, Miller, Miller.
We were, I was just outside picking up ass, trash,
trash, trash before the storm
and it got nipple, nippy, nippy, you know, cold outside.
And I was just ready to join the breast, the rest,
the rest of them before the weather got titty, shitty.
Oh, I'm sorry, I said shitty,
it's just I'm not myself tonight.
You know, I'm just trying to get into the boob,
the groove, the groove of things.
So wow, I've said enough.
It's good seeing all of you
and I'll be in there if you need me.
- Piere, how long you been in the States?
- Almost 20 years now.
- Now what was it you did before medicine?
- The last thing I did before medicine was
a very short stint as a rodeo clown,
but injury cut my clowning days short.
- No kidding?
Piere, you were a rodeo clown?
- I know, it sounds crazy.
But I guess I was young and dumb.
You kids can learn something from this.
- Yeah, like it's fine to be young
but try to avoid the dumb part.
(laughs)
- You know, Piere, I rode the circuit for years.
Did you clown in France?
- No, here in the States.
Wyoming, Colorado, mainly back in the 80s.
- So what happened?
- [Piere] I really don't like talking about this much.
- You know, they said it was the worst hang up
the old timers had ever seen.
The cowboy, he rode this bull for a good eight seconds
and then when he decided to dismount,
he found that his hand was cinched so tight in the rope
that he couldn't free himself.
Meanwhile, the bull was still bucking
and spinning relentlessly.
And so the cowboy's body gets thrown off the bull
but his hand is still attached by the rope.
And, I mean, the poor guy tried to free himself
for a good two minutes.
He just struggled
but finally he was just knocked unconscious.
And then his body was flailing around like a ragdoll,
I mean it was just terrible.
But Piere, bless his heart,
he went out there and did everything he could
to try to help the cowboy,
but it wasn't until his fingers all broke
and his hand finally released from the rope
that then he just fell, lifeless, face down in the dirt.
But that wasn't even the end of the story.
- The cowboy laid there unconscious
and the bull was angry and looking for a target.
The bull focused in on the defenseless cowboy.
The clown knew the cowboy was a defenseless target,
an easy target.
That brave clown jumped in front of the bull,
drawing his attention away from the cowboy.
This rodeo clown put his life on the line
over and over again, taking multiple injuries to himself
and getting back up each time
to keep the bull's focus on him instead of the cowboy.
There were three clowns there that day
but only one had the courage and the fortitude
to put his own life on the line
to save a man he did not know.
That brave man sitting right there saved my life that day.
I looked for nearly five years to find him,
to thank him personally.
Last I heard, he left the country.
- Every week, we are learning more
about ourselves and our parents.
Would we have all gathered as a group
and shared these intimate moments without being forced to?
I'm starting to wonder if this wireless journey
is turning into a good thing.
How could something so unanimously opposed
by the five of us turn into something that we might cherish?
What else in my life did I oppose so vehemently
that may have born an unforeseen positive outcome?
It makes me wonder.
Banish June 21st to the history books.
Next week, it's off to Bentley's house.
Hot diggety dog.
Through use of smoke signals and other ancient techniques,
we were able to communicate with each other.
Although the method of communication was primitive
and took longer than more modern techniques,
it was nonetheless effective.
Because it was our last week living a digital-free life,
we thought we would celebrate.
By use of human carrier pigeon,
we hatched a plan to meet at Kensington Park
on Wednesday at noon sharp
and walk together to partake in the culinary delight
of the best ice cream in the free world.
A fitting treat for an unlikely crew.
Imagine barfing those out.
(dramatic music)
- Hey, sweet thing.
How about we take a stroll?
- No thanks.
- I wasn't asking.
- I'm kinda scared.
- Normandy, you're the fastest.
Go get help.
- I'm not leaving Olivia's side.
- Okay, well, Francois, go get help.
(playful music)
- Okay, help is here.
- This is no time to joke, Dong Throng.
- Francois, I told you to go get help.
- I am the help.
- What are you doing?
- Please leave us alone.
- We have a hero here.
(laughs)
Lucky for me, I have something for heroes.
- We don't want any trouble here.
- Really, bitch?
You must be shitting me.
- Listen, Nicki Minaj, I would never shit you.
You're my prize turd.
- So, Muscles, what are you
and your scrawny little ass gonna do about it?
- I will be forced to unleash a flurry of punches
and kicks precisely over the entirety upon your bodies.
- You and what army?
- I need no army.
I'm an army of one.
(voice echoing)
- (laughs) You missed me.
Oh shit.
- Oh, oh, oh, ow, oh!
That is disgusting, oh.
- Thanks.
- For what?
- For sticking with me.
That was really brave.
- Francois, you are awesome, dude!
- Yeah, didn't know you had it in you, Weenie Bikini.
- Dude, I thought you were lying
about that whole martial arts thing.
- Yeah, Francois, you were so good.
When Normandy told that asshole he was her prize turd,
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
(laughs)
(groans)
You know we're playing that same team tonight.
You know, the one that laid your dad out on the field?
- Oh, I know.
And I'm ready just in case that ass gasket shows up again.
I'm gonna walk over there
and see if he's foolish enough to show his face.
- I'll go with you.
- [Francois] Me too, Normandy.
You can always count on me.
- Thanks, Groat Tote.
I can always count on all of you.
- Shit, Norm, there he is.
- Where?
- Oh, I see the rat.
- Where is he?
I don't see him.
- I can't believe he had the nads to show up here.
There he is, Nantucket Nadbucket.
Right past the bald guy.
- So what are you gonna do?
- Okay, I came prepared just in case this happened.
Here's what we have to do.
Too bad Bentley isn't here.
- So, uh, hi.
I know that you're like stretching and water,
water, water, yeah.
The water boy.
I'm the water boy for the other team,
my dad's on the other team,
but I can also be your water boy too, so that's a twist,
that's just kind of a twist
that the soccer league is doing right now.
So relax, laxative, you know, so relax, relax.
You seem to be stretching all right.
You know, muscles can get really tense
so you always gotta stretch, you know,
even muscles in your ears too can get even tense right now
but just passing, passing, passing the time
while you're stretching is a great way
to relax those muscles.
But yeah, it looks like you've got it, so great game.
(crowd murmuring)
(crowd applauds)
- I'm gonna take this guy out again.
Watch this, I'm gonna roll his ass across the field,
make him do a lipstand.
(farts)
What the hell?
Jason, get over here.
- [Jason] What, man, you hurt yourself?
- No, I shit myself.
I can't get up in front of all these people.
I completely shit myself.
- Oh, that's messed up, man.
(audience gasps)
- Looks like you're going about
to attempt another flagrant foul on my dad, D-bag.
That is, until you had a bit of a blowout.
I suggest you men stay upwind
of your Captain Poopy Pants here.
What I and I'm sure all your teammates are wondering
right about now is why,
before trying to maliciously take down my dad again,
you reached around to your backside
and opened up the floodgate valve on the Hershey highway.
I told you not to show up to another game, didn't I?
Stay hydrated.
- Bottoms up.
- This is not an appropriate place to blow mud
and just for your information,
there is no appropriate place to drop a deuce in public.
- Every time I see you, it will get progressively worse.
Capiche?
- Yes, capiche.
Who the hell are you anyway?
- Normandy.
Normandy is my name.
- Sorry I've been such a bitch the last few weeks, you guys.
I could blame it on the group of people I hang out with
or just me wanting to be popular,
but I really have no one else to blame other than myself.
- You've come a long way, girl, in just four weeks.
Next week, you can go back to being a bitch.
(laughs)
- That's right, we go back to the digital world.
- Yeah, back to normal, right?
- I never thought I'd make it 30 days
without my phone or the internet
but sitting here next to Mangina Suit,
I don't even miss it that much.
- I know, it's kinda weird, isn't it?
- Speaking of weird, has anybody seen Bentley?
- Yeah, we are at his house,
so it would be nice if he came out from his mancave
and decided to make an appearance.
- Hey, Bent, you gonna make an appearance tonight?
- What the hell?
Where's Bentley?
- OMG, you look...
- Fantastic.
- Yeah, fantastic.
- If you had walked by me on the street,
I would not have recognized you.
- Okay, so something about me that no one else knows.
Well, this is the real me.
Without all the makeup, the jewelry, and the wild clothes,
I'm not that rocker guy.
I never was that rocker guy.
I only pretended to be him so that I could look cool
and get a girlfriend.
I don't do drugs.
I never have and I never will.
When I'm not pretending to be Mr. Rock and Roll,
I listen to Reba McEntire, Simon and Garfunkel,
Kenny Chesney, James Taylor, and John Denver.
- No shit.
- I also happen to have a 4.0 GPA.
I've received first honors every year
since my freshman year.
But I told the school to take my name out of the honors list
because I thought it might interfere with my image.
I don't feel like I need to pretend
to be someone that I'm not anymore
to look cool and get a girlfriend.
If the girl I like turns me down,
I'll simply take the pain and move on.
I'm done pretending to be someone that I'm not.
- Wow, Bentley, I had no idea.
- I think what you're doing is admirable.
- I agree.
It takes some serious balls to completely change your image,
you know, the one that you built over the last two years.
- I don't think you'll have any trouble finding a nice girl.
- I already found one.
I started dating her several weeks ago.
- That's great.
Good for you, Bent.
- Where is she from?
- Around here.
- What's she like?
- She's beautiful, inside and out.
She has an amazing personality and a killer sense of humor.
I can't imagine her not being in my life.
- Well, how come you never mentioned her before?
- Because I wasn't sure if she'd have me as her boyfriend.
I'm still not sure.
- Wait, I thought that you said that you were dating her.
- I have been.
I just don't know if she's been dating me.
- Man, you're not making much sense.
- How would you not know if she was dating you?
- Yeah, why don't you just ask her?
- I'm trying to.
- What's her name?
- Normandy is her name.
- Normandy is my name.
- The one and only.
- I liked you as a rocker and as you are now.
The clothing, the hair, and the makeup
could never change the true person you are.
So there you have it.
In 30 days of what I initially pegged
as digital-less purgatory and a nightmare on steroids
turned out to be arguably some of the best days of my life.
Although I lost my best friend, Granny Chick,
I also gained four new best friends,
one of which is Olivia of all people.
And to top it off, I also gained a boyfriend
who likes me for being me.
I'm sure Granny Chick is smiling right now
as her Screw the Blue movement
is now an American phenomenon.
It's hard to go anywhere and not see the impact.
In retrospect, this digital-free journey was one
of the best things that has ever happened to me.
It gave me precious time with Granny Chick
and it allowed me to connect and bond with people
that otherwise I wouldn't.
The five of us are best friends
and to this day, whenever we get together,
no matter where we are, each of us follow an unwritten rule.
It has never been broken by any of us
and I don't think it ever will.
Free from outside distractions
and bound by the most basic of human interaction we share,
we connect and we accept each other.
Normandy is my name
and you can banish June 28th to the history books.
By the way, Bentley did write that song
loosely based on my harmless poking fun
of the widely admired
and sometimes required European men's swimwear.
I think he may actually have a hit.
Can't wait to see it make a run on the iTunes chart.
(upbeat music)
- Oh, he is really sexy.
- Who?
- The guy in the Speedo, I like his choice in swimwear.
- That's disgusting.
(upbeat music)
(calm music)
♪ I'm gonna have a meltdown ♪
♪ And when I do ♪
♪ There'll be no room for you ♪
♪ I'm gonna have a meltdown ♪
♪ I'm gonna have to roll down ♪
♪ South through LA ♪
♪ There I might be okay ♪
♪ Quiet night will set me straight ♪
♪ I'm gonna stand my own ground ♪
♪ We'll find a way ♪
♪ And maybe I'll stay ♪
♪ Renowned, bound to my faith ♪
♪ On down the road ♪
♪ On down that dark and lonely road ♪
♪ On down the road ♪
♪ Happiness ♪
♪ Is no joke ♪
♪ I'm gonna hold my arms out ♪
♪ And welcome you ♪
♪ Back into my room ♪
♪ I was gone ♪
♪ Gone ♪
♪ But now I'm home ♪
♪ I'm gonna hold my arms out ♪
♪ And welcome you ♪
♪ Back into my room ♪
♪ I was gone ♪
♪ Gone ♪
♪ But now I'm home ♪
♪ Meltdown ♪
♪ I'm gonna have a meltdown ♪