This programme contains some strong language
You coming out t'club tonight?
They're having Robot Wars.
Robot Wars at the club?
Yeah, you know, like on telly?
He must be on his arse, Potter. Yeah.
We've entered a robot. Who?
Me and The Hills Have Eyes.
Bollocks. Who's built it?
We have.
You can't even change a plug.
I tell you...
It's all all-out assault vehicle.
Bollocks! You want to see it.
I'nt that right? Tell him, Patrick.
It's a bitch.
Bollocks! How many gears has it got?
Plenty. That's how many.
Where is it?
SHE is in the boot.
Bollocks. I've got to see this.
Yeah, straight up.
Eh, there she is.
You've built that? Yeah. Bollocks.
Oh, no, we're livin' la vida with this. I built that.
Whoa! Whoa! Hands off!
It'll take your hands off.
Now for those of you who missed the first half,
you may not know that I'm meant to be sharing the hosting duties
with those stallions, Chris Evans and Gary Lineker,
but they appear to have left me.
Hey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Don't worry, love, you're not on your own.
We're right behind you.
Can you see us? I can.
Can you see us? I can. What a brilliant surprise. How are you?
We're absolutely champ. I'm beautiful. Sensational, love.
Rotten.
He's rotten. He's found out we're not getting paid here.
Anyhow, how's things going up your end, love?
Have we raised a lot of money so far?
We're doing absolutely brilliantly,
but, you know, people could always still do with phoning in.
Yeah, she's right. You're right, love. She's right, folks.
Anyway, you leave this next bit to your Uncle Max and Paddy, love.
You're Cheggers. You're out here.
You put your pins up, grab yourself a Yakult.
We'll take the reins from here, love.
Now you'll probably all be aware of where the money
raised from Sport Relief is going.
Hopefully you'll have seen a few short films tonight.
I've not seen them, no.
I'm Sky Plussing this so I can watch it tomorrow and fast forward.
They break my bloody heart, them short films. Have you seen them?
Whatever. Anyhow, we really do need you to keep ringing in
and pledging your money.
It's appreciated, no matter how big or small the amounts.
Yeah, come on, it's not Love Island, either, pile of shite.
Oh, no, we're doing this for buckshee,
out of the kindness of our hearts, this.
And in anticipation of a possible knighthood. Hear, hear. Hear, hear.
Look at Sir Tom Jones. He doesn't even live here! Exactly.
Sex Bomb.
Don't forget, the number to ring is...
Zero, 8457, 91 zero, 91 zero. 08457 910 910.
Yes, and if you're a kiddie ringing,
don't forget to get your mam and dad's permission.
Or if you can't be arsed, just wait until they've gone to bed
and nip in their purse and take their credit card out.
Yeah, out their wallet or their bag. I used to do that, Telethon '90.
Yeah, that's the one. Mickey Aspel. You never see him now.
And now we've got a little treat for you.
By the aid of modern technology, you'll like this.
It's amazing what you can do with a bit of Bluetooth and a car battery.
Yeah, what we're going to do, we're going to go live,
or we should be able to, to the Phoenix Club in Bolton
and our old boss, Brian Potter.
Are you there, Brian? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, hello, are you receiving me?
Hiya. Hello, Brian, you old dog. How are you?
It's Max and Paddy.
You're being bounced off a satellite.
I'll bounce you two off a friggin' satellite if I get hold of you.
You're breaking up, Brian, you're breaking up. Losing ya.
Losing my eye!
If you show your face round here, you'll know about it.
We're... Eh? What? Yeah.
But... Brian!
Oh, Christ, it's like GMTV, this.
We're losing you, Brian. We've lost you, sorry.
I can't... He's...
No, you've gone. He's gone.
Have they gone?
OK, tonight, ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome
strengthentologist extraordinaire -
Mr Tony Brutus and his daughter Amanda.
BANGING ON DOOR
Pull, pull on the door.
FANFARE PLAYS
Keep clapping. Keep clapping.
Look at her pulling it with her teeth. Ooh! Her teeth.
Oh, my word, what an opening.
Mr Brutus and Amanda.
I thought he were dead.
Tonight, we're going to attempt a new British world record
for weightlifting down here at the world famous Phoenix Club,
junction three off the M61 just past Poppadom Preach.
Do we have our adjudicator for tonight's event? Mr Kenny Senior.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hi.
Hello, Kenny, and what have you been up to this week?
What have I been up to?
What a week I've had with this adjudicating.
I've just flown in from Marrakesh.
There's a fella out there with 80-foot toenails, right?
What he does every morning...
All right, Kenny, no time for your bullshit tonight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What you doing?
They've just arrived, them. They're like gold dust.
Who does she think she is?
OK, so tonight we're going to be attempting a new
British world record, but I need a volunteer.
Can we have a volunteer from the audience, please?
Is this on? Can we have a volunteer?
Violet, love, come on up and do this.
Bring your drink, OK.
APPLAUSE
Right, and can we also have...
All right.
..Mr Tony Brutus and Samson and Delilah...
..as we perform a British world record in weightlifting.
There you go.
Christ, you're big boys. Could do with you on the door.
All right, the other surprise is I am going to be a weight.
Didn't know anything about this, boys, did you? Oh no.
Here we go.
OK, there you go, Kenny.
Forward, forward, forward.
There you go, Kenny.
Another fella when I was in Mongolia had three testicles...
What have I told you? One like a satsuma...
OK, there you go, easy. Steady, steady.
That's it. They call me Mr Glass.
Be careful. All right.
Don't put me down, I can't walk.
Drum roll, Leslie, drum roll.
DRUM ROLL
BRIAN SHOUTS IN PANIC
Ooh!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Paramedic!
MUSIC: Baby I Don't Care by Transvision Vamp
# Well you can turns the lights down low
# Somethings are better that way, yeah. #
God, look at this.
D & R.
Donna and Robert.
Rick. Rick.
Oh, feathers.
How tacky.
I hate it when they put stuff inside invites.
Clogs up your Dyson. Glitter usually.
Look at all that mess. You can clean that up.
Oh, John. What?
Oh, the Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, this.
You ready?
Ta-dah!
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
"Welcome to our love."
Welcome to our love.
Ooh, who's that supposed to be?
Don't know. Doesn't even look like them. That's not them.
Rick's about four stone heavier than that.
Rick's mixed race. That's not him.
Proper cheap shit, this, look.
Look.
Just flicking off.
That's cos you're flicking it off with your nails, that's why.
Let's have a look. Read it out.
Here we go.
Oh, oh, price.
Error!
She's left the price on.
�2, Hobbycraft.
What's this? Hold on.
Is that a poem? Poem.
Did she write this?
"We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain.
"We jumped never asking why.
"We kissed, I fell under your spell.
"A love no-one could deny."
I know this. That's good, isn't it?
"Don't you ever say I just walked away.
"I will always want you.
"I can't live a lie, running for my life.
"I will always want you." Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
"I came in like a wrecking ball."
SHE LAUGHS
No!
"All I wanted was to break your wall."
Wrecking Ball!
"All you ever did was wreck me.
"Yeah, you, you wreck me."
No!
No, no, no. Mother of God and all that's holy!
That is dog-rough.
That's the front of the card.
D & R - Dog Rough.
"Welcome to our love."
Calm down.
HE SPLUTTERS Christ!
Welcome to Robot Wars.
Tonight is about the survival of the fittest,
where the last robot standing will be crowned tonight's winner
and receive a jackpot prize...
..of �63.
Roboteers...
..are you ready?
CHILD'S LONE VOICE: Yeah, ready.
I used to run a shop, like a fitness shop, you know,
like weights and all that?
Did ya? Yeah, yeah. Really?
Don't you remember it? No.
Down near... Pint and orange juice, please.
You what? What you having?
LAUGHTER
Good start to the day? Aye, go on.
Good start to the day? To the day.
That's what I'm BLEEP saying!
Good start to da-day.
BLEEP me!
Right, go on, read that BLEEP paper.
Good start to the day?
Now it sounds like you're just BLEEP trying to wind me up, mate.
Good start to the day?
You did it again.
You said da-day. Well, you say it.
Good start to the day?
Yeah, that's what I just said!
No, you went, "Good start to da-day."
That's how I speak! Da-day?
I'm driving with a BLEEP Jamaican.
Thank you, well, it's New Year's. He makes us wear these.
Make an effort? Make an effort, yeah.
Do you like it? Yeah, I do. Yeah.
Does it spin round? Does it what? Spin round.
I've had me moments, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, the bow-tie? Oh, right.
Probably didn't help you throwing urine over him.
Throwing what? Your piss.
Throwing me what? Your piss.
Me what?
Pick it up.
Throwing me what? Your piss.
LAUGHTER
I'm going to cut that bit about Tina, Rachel, it's all right.
Right. I know, it's shit.
When... What we're going to do is keep...
Right, OK. When.
Oh, I'm all over the BLEEP place!
Wait, I'm going to do "when" now.
When?
LAUGHTER
Bloody hell, it's the Wolfster!
You what?
Here in the paper, there, the Wolfster.
BLEEP showing you!
I've BLEEP looked four times.
You've got a line. I've not.
You go, "It's his 40th", you've got to say it's his 40th first.
I didn't know you were going off cue lines. Oh, sorry, my mistake!
There's me working off scripts!
BLEEP first time!
Blimey.
I'm like, yeah. Look at it.
I were like that about eight times. Whiplash!
LOUD CLATTER
HE SNORTS AND LAUGHS
I tell you, that fella needs a trip to the dentist.
OK, and here he is, everybody, here he is to get this rollerball
rolling, please welcome our very own Davros, Mr Brian Potter.
Come on. ONE PERSON APPLAUDS
Welcome to Robot Wars.
I thought you said there were going to be 30?
This is Team Chaos
and this is The Cleaner.
Is that a robot, son, is it?
Actually the term's automaton.
The Cleaner's multi-directional.
It's fitted with a twin whizzer blades mechanism at the back...
..and it's also got a trip hammer device at the front.
Have you ever kissed a girl?
Have a birthday tea.
I love it when you have a birthday tea
when it's someone's family's birthday in the middle of the week.
"We'll have it on Sunday, have a birthday tea. Come round."
It were my nephew's last week.
15, he were, which means I can't get away with Sellotaping pound coins
into cards any more.
He wants Xbox games now and Wiis.
Wiis are amazing. I never thought I'd see my nan water-skiing at 89.
LAUGHTER
Kayaking round front room.
They've come a long way since Frogger, I'll tell you that now.
Hey!
What?
Have you had your brew? Aye.
Come on.
We're up next, us. What?
Robot Wars.
We're up against Death By Chocolate.
Well, shit 'em.
That's Team Voodoo with their robot, Death By Chocolate.
And now, Roboteers, their opponents,
Team Double Trouble
and their robot, Ass Kicker!
MUSIC: Two Tribes by Frankie Goes To Hollywood
# Ow, ow, ow
# Ow, ow
# Let's go
# Oh, oh
# When two tribes go to war
# A point is all you can score
# Score no more, score no more
# When two tribes go to war
# A point is all that you can score
# Working for the black gas
# When two tribes go to war
# A point is all that you can score. #
Love it when we've had a birthday tea and we've finished our dinners.
All finished, sat round table.
My mum and our Julie will give each other a look like...
"No, you stay there."
MUTTERS: "Julie, come on."
They both sneak off.
You've got to act like that's normal.
You can hear them in the kitchen,
"Where are the candles? Where are the candles?"
"Where are the matches?"
"They're in the card box."
Mum's got a card box.
Swear to God, she'd give Clinton's Cards a run for their money
with that card box, me mum.
Everything in there. You name it. Happy 18th. Pass your driving test.
Sympathy. Always a couple of sympathies in there.
30th. Happy Hanukkah.
Wrapping paper. Bottle bags.
Everything in that card box.
Mum has a tiering system for cards.
Main family, they go on top of mantelpiece.
Brothers and sisters, you know, main ones.
That's why I don't like these flatscreen tellies,
cos you can't put your cards on them any more.
Cousins and relatives, friends, they go at the bottom of fire.
You know you're not doing well
when you're behind man-sized tissues on nest of tables,
behind lamp.
My Uncle Knobhead's been behind spiderplant on windowsill
for four years!
"Light the candles now, light them."
Hand comes round wall for light.
Darkness!
Just have glow at candles off cupboards in kitchen.
Then they both come in.
# Happy birthday... #
You've got to act surprised like it's never happened before!
Shitty caterpillar cake from Asda.
Smarties for eyes.
The cake, not me mum. Cake.
Blow your candles out. Make a wish.
You've got small children, they want to blow them out, as well.
You've got to light them again. "I want to blow them out!"
"Light them again, don't worry." "You'll get your turn."
Light them again. "I want to blow them out!" Light them again.
"Do you want some cake?"
"I'll have it when you've wiped that top layer of spit off.
"I'll have a bit of cake, not Hepatitis B."
Alan, are you there?
This is Tony Maloney... Tony Maloney.
..who runs the gym here.
Tony Maloney stole a pony.
Comedy name...
Anyway, Tony, you're the chap that runs t'violent establishment.
Tell us a bit about what's going on here.
Well, this is an amateur boxing gym, Andrew, and what we do... Alan.
What? It's just Alan.
Alan's my name. Go on.
We're boxing tonight for Comic Relief.
We're doing a 24-hour sparring session.
The lads are doing relays, as you can see, and boxing behind me.
Stuart and Craig are doing a bit and it's just trying to raise money.
These lads, they've been dealt a bad hand,
and what boxing does, it just gives...
That's what I like to do, you know, set them in the right direction.
Great. I mean, myself, I were inside for a few years...
You were in prison?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I've had a past.
Like these lads, I'm trying to make sure they don't have a past.
I'm with you. They've got a future.
Craig's mam's got behavioural problems.
That's what I'm saying. What? Ey-up!
Ey-up!
We're not Yorkshire, it's Manchester. I know.
Ey-up? I'm just having a bit of fun with the accent - Comic Relief.
You're being a dickhead.
I'm trying to raise some money for Comic Relief.
You're taking the piss! You clearly have been inside for something...
There's a brown Toyota blocking my van in. A what? A brown Toyota.
SHOUTS: Brown Toyota blocking outside? It's my car.
It's not a brown Toyota, it's a coffee-coloured Lexus.
I'll shift it afterwards. We're doing Comic Relief.
It's meals on wheels, this. Shift.
Well, I'm trying... This is live television. It's for Comic Relief.
I couldn't give two shits. I've got a meals on wheels outside.
Get it moved! I'm trying to feed people who are starving.
Neil's trying to feed people that are starving! They're not starving.
They're just a bit hungry.
You want to go round shitting on the old people now? No, I do not.
Give him your keys. All right.
Michael, Michael, can you move my car, please?
He's pissed, him. What's his game?
It's a boxing club, not a circus. I know it's not a circus.
Give him the keys. Here's my keys. You can move my car.
Up and at them. I-I'm trying to do a report for Comic Relief.
I'll tell you something... I think we should go back to the studio.
I'm being told that we can't go back to the studio.
I'll tell you something now. Listen to me, you.
We can't go back to the studio. You've had it on a plate, you, boy.
Do you know what graft is?
Six o'clock in the morning, it's pitch-black.
Going out with a flask on your arm.
Doing a day's work, coming back, pitch-black again, you never see the daylight.
That's the dream. I have worked, actually, in an orange juice factory
when I was a student.
What's that? Is that graft, is it?
You've had it all on a plate.
I heard you before on the phones talking to your friends -
"I might get a chat show out of this."
That's what it's all about, in't it? I was having a private conversation.
I've got one lung, my friend. One lung. Count them. One lung?
As in I'll be back. Hey!
Yes!
Not my fault. I didn't take your lung away.
I'd go ten rounds with them boys. Yeah, so could I.
I could go ten rounds with... Could you? Yeah. Could you?
Pick a lad then. All right, I will.
Pick a boy. Him. Let's see a bit of that then.
Let's see you and him in there. I will spar them.
Put that on your show.
If you don't stop being aggressive, you might go back to prison.
You're that far away from getting head-butted!
Oh, yes.
Jonathan, er, later on I'm going to be sparring in there with
a young boxer and trying to clear the air
and restore the atmosphere which has gone rrrather sour.
Sometimes we go out for a birthday tea, which I'm not really keen on
cos it means we've got to invite other family,
mainly me Uncle Knobhead.
He's remarried now, as well.
He split up with me Auntie Sandra. It's all kicked off.
Noo Fang Dao, that's his new wife from Thailand. He got her off eBay!
DHL had her for four weeks. He lost his card. He couldn't pick her up.
Had to get a neighbour to sign for her.
He come home from work,
she were sat behind wheelie bin reading new Next catalogue, honest.
Modern world.
# When two tribes go to war
# A point is all that you can score
# When two tribes go to war
# A point is all that you can score. #
I'm Alan Partridge.
I'm at this sports facility where I've been goaded by a fat,
damaged man with one lung to fight for charity in a boxing ring.
I don't know much about it, but...
..I'll give it a bit of the old one-two-three.
Is that a move? We'll soon find out in the ring. Wish me luck.
SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
BELL CHIMES
Michael, hit him!
MUFFLED: Back to the studio with Jonathan!
Ass Kicker! Come on.
SPARSE APPLAUSE
Well, that's just about it for Robot Wars.
Thank you and goodnight.
I'd like to welcome on stage a very good friend of mine,
international instrumentalist Mr Peter Slater, ladies and gentlemen,
and two stools.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Do you remember Layla by Derek And The Dominoes?
CROWD: Yeah.
So does he.
We've had a laugh tonight.
I think that's what important.
In a crazy mixed-up world full of pain...
LAUGHTER
No, we've had a laugh.
We've got a problem upstairs.
I don't mean on t'roof.
I mean further, ladies and gentlemen.
We've got a problem and it's getting worse and it's up to you...
LAUGHTER
Yeah. He's crying, look at him.
..and me.
Just lend an ear to this, will you, ladies and gentlemen?
We've got a problem
and we can sort it out if we just come together.
I'm being bloody serious now, love.
We've got a problem.
LAUGHTER
# It's a beautiful day
# On the other side of the world
# But the children cry
# Cos there's a hole in the sky
# It's getting bigger
# Every day
# The world is burning
# And we stop learning
# Whoa, whoa, whoa, ozone layer
# Got to say a prayer
# For our ozone layer
# Whoa, whoa, whoa, ozone layer
# We've got to take ca-yer
# Of our ozone layer. #
It's not bloody funny, love. LAUGHTER
People like you with your tarmac drives and your fancy deodorants
and your Whirlpool fridges, you're ruining it.
# There's a taxi driver
# And he thinks the weather is fine
# But it's the middle of winter
# As he eats ice cream in the sunshi-i-i-i-i-ine!
# The world is burning, running out of time
# As he poisons the clean air
# As he poisons our future
# Whoa, whoa, whoa, ozone layer. #
Come on, let it out!
# We've got to say a prayer. #
Look, you don't care.
# For the ozone layer
# Whoa, whoa, whoa, ozone layer. #
Get your lighters out, don't be shy!
# Got to say a prayer for the ozone layer. #
Shit, put your lighters out!
# Whoa, whoa, whoa, ozone layer
# We've got to take a care
# Of our ozone layer
# It's a beautiful day on the other side of the world
# But the children cry
# Cos there's a hole in the sky
# It's getting bigger
# Every da-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ay. #
Thank you very much. Lend an ear to that.
We've got a problem on our hands. Thank you very much.
Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.
Peter Slater! Peace.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks very much. Ta-ra.