J* When I need it so bad J'
J' Why do you not come to defend? J'
J* Is that any way to tell me that you're gonna be J'
J' A terrible friend? J'
J' You remind me of a distant constellation I
J* The way you cover it up, but don't even touch J
J* And now you want to know, is that important? I
J* Baby, now, well, it just depends J'
J' It just depends J'
J* And when you come back uptown J”
J* Remember not to look for me there J*
J* I gave you one more chance to make it better I
J' But you don't seem to care J'
J* You pretend to be accosted by tradition J*
J* And now you cover it up, but tell me you don't I
J* Now you want to know, is nothing sacred? J'
J* Well, I don't want to have to compare I
J* They don't compare... I
( phones ringing )
( chattering )
16-inch radials, the new Nanoprene.
Don't blow smoke up my rump, okay?
If I don't hear "1,000 more units"...
Let me just check on the load index on that for you.
Um, you know, looks like it's--
What's that? No, everything-- we recycle every tire.
Man: Okay, okay, now we are talking.
All right, let me just pull up the paperwork here.
We'll get you squared away.
Your store needs products, right? So what's the problem?
It's about safety. it's about safety for your family, for your customers.
I mean, that's the bottom line. These are the safest tires on the road.
You know that. I'm not trying to bullshit you.
You did the right thing.
Bye.
Butch, mark one up for me, please--
three this morning.
One more for Mike, baby.
How can we be out of donuts?
I mean, it's ridiculous.
And the coffee machine's busted.
Where are they? ( knocking )
Hey, ladies.
Ladies, ladies, ladies, we have a very serious problem here.
We're out of donuts.
Jane, maybe you could get one of your girls on it ASAP.
- And the coffee machine's busted. - And the coffee machine's busted.
These guys are such a-holes.
No, excuse me.
I already checked it. It's fried.
You might want to just call the company.
Oh, look.
Oh.
Where are those donuts? Oh.
Thanks, Jane. You're the best.
High five? No.
Low five? No.
Thank you. Thank you, Jane.
Ken: You gotta be kidding me.
O'Donnell: So she's your dream girl, right?
Kline: No, she reminds me of my dad.
Ken.
Hey.
Oh, well, well,
I'm surprised you two even show up to these sales meetings.
How are you doing, Kenny?
It's Ken, dickhead.
And I know you've been fudging the numbers.
He knows we've been fudging the numbers.
Fuck you, Castro. Our numbers are legit.
But we know you shit your pants at last year's Christmas party.
Dude, that's disgusting.
I didn't really-- it wasn't like a full-on--
it was a dribble. ( laughs )
It was-- everybody does it. It was a mistake.
I-- I had bad sushi and I sharted.
The fart part was intentional, but I didn't--
( upbeat music playing )
I'm Bob Reilly, owner and CEO of Reilly Auto Parts.
At Reilly, we carry only the highest-quality names
like Goodyear, Firestone and Michelin.
Freeze. Now what's wrong with this commercial?
Lights.
Come on. He doesn't mention Treadline.
Mr. Farrell,
someone was messing with my chair,
so it's stuck in the down position...
( people chuckling )
...so if I seem petite,
then that is the reason.
Will someone get him a booster seat?
( laughter)
Now R&D and manufacturing have done their job.
Now it's up to us in sales to get these tires on the shelves.
Can you take notes for me? I forgot my pen.
We've closed deals with AutoZone, Pep Boys
- and Just Tires. - Thanks.
Now we're going after bigger fish--
Reilly Auto Parts.
One last piece of business here--
it has come to my attention that some sick individual
in our sales department
has been spreading pornographic emails of a homosexual nature.
( Coughing ) Kenny Castro.
Castro.
Are you all right? He's all right.
No, I wasn't-- ( chuckles )
No, I didn't. It wasn't me. It wasn't-- I didn't do that.
I-- they're trying to say it was me, but it wasn't.
I didn't-- I wouldn't.
It wouldn't be gay.
I wasn't-- I mean, I'd do--
I mean, I wouldn't even do regular porno,
but if I did, it would be regular, is my point.
Come on, Kenny, get your hands out of your pants
- and put an end to it. -( laughter)
Now I expect everyone in this room to step up their effort.
Come on, let's get out there and kick some ass
and make this the best sales quarter ever.
( Men cheering )
You know it. You know it.
Let's work the phones. Let's do it.
All right, Steve, so let me tell you
why you need these tires in your stores, okay?
It's about safety. Seriously, I would let--
you know, let babies roll down hills in these things.
Mm-hmm.
Tire sizes?
Bro, you're asking a lot of complicated questions.
Yeah, I work here.
Yeah, we have maintenance. Believe me, this tire will leave
a bigger footprint than--
than Bigfoot, right?
You know 50 Cent?
He absolutely loves our tires.
I mean, you know that. I'm not trying to bullshit you here.
I mean, listen, want to hear something crazy?
I have actually rolled babies down hills in these things.
I'm not lying.
You know, just Google "50 Cent and tires."
You just did?
It didn't?
Well, I don't know. Maybe your Google's broken.
Believe me, as a senior salesman around here,
let's just say I know a thing or two--
ow! Hang on.
- Hang on one second, please. - Oh, hey, Joe.
Oh. I'm sorry.
There's-- yeah. No, no, there's--
we have a faulty air-conditioning unit in the building.
( Both chattering, laughing )
- Oh, hi. - Oh, hey.
- Hi. - Hi. Are you new here?
Yeah, I am-- first day.
Yeah, I thought so. See, 'cause we don't--
we don't actually get that many secretaries sitting here.
Mike: This is pretty much understood as our table.
We eat here every day.
All we do is talk about sports and fishing
and would probably bore the hell out of you.
- Yeah. - Right.
You got that? You good?
- Yeah. - All right.
Welcome to Treadline.
Welcome to Treadline? What, are you the official Treadline greeter?
( Fans cheering )
Man over P.A.: And that's the ball game.
Treadline wins 6-5.
Good comeback, baby.
- Nice. Nice. - Nice toss.
Lucky catch, McAdams. I'm surprised you didn't drop it.
Oh, like that pop fly you dropped in the third?
A fifth grader could run that down.
Hey, I told you the lights got in my eyes.
They gotta turn the volume down on those things.
Hey, can we trade him to another team for, like, a keg of beer?
- Or just give him away? -( laughter)
Ha ha ha ha. You know what, Murphy?
I'm so sick of you. I really am.
You're about due for a beatdown UFC-style.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- All right, bring it. - Yeah, let's go.
Come on, let's bring it. Come on.
Come on, you can do it. Come on. Come on.
Another great game, guys.
Hey, come on, Kenny, you're out of uniform.
Tuck that shirt in. Come on now.
It's just "Ken," sir.
Hey, you two, let's get out there and celebrate. I'm buying.
- Nice. - Wow, what a victory.
That double play was just fabulous.
- Tailor-made. Tailor-made. - Yeah. Hey, where are we gonna go?
- Both: Flight Club. - Oh, boy, the Flight Club.
( Rock music playing )
Hi.
Oh, hey, Destiny. Looking good. Love the new boobs.
Thanks, Rodney.
J* When I was nine years old J'
J* I knew what I was gonna do J'
J* A little bass, drums, guitar, I put on a show for you... J”
We sell tires. We're Treadline.
Oh-ho-ho. Uh-oh.
J* When all the old folks said, "This shit gon' bring out the devil in you" J'
J' Rock 'n' roll... J'
- Uh-oh. - J* It's all I want to do J'
J' Rock 'n' roll J'
J* Rock 'n' roll, it's all I want to do, it's all I want to do... J*
Treadline! Treadline in the house!
Good, right-- get out of the office?
- J' Rock 'n' roll... J' - ( growling )
J' it's all I want to do, it's all I want to do J'
J' Rock 'n' roll... J'
( panting )
Mm, baby.
Oh, Jesus.
Good morning, Lucy.
Good morning, Ed.
Rodney.
( Footsteps )
( scoffs )
God knows what our neighbors think.
Oh, Ed and Lucy didn't seem to mind, trust me.
You know, it's like you still think you're in your 20s, you know?
But, honey, you're not.
So get over it and grow up.
Yeah, okay. So, look,
obviously things got a little out of control last night, okay?
And I'm-- all I can say is I'm ashamed.
That's it?
I'm really-- I'm really ashamed.
Wow. Do me a favor--
keep it together for the engagement party this weekend.
That's it. That's all I ask.
Okay?
Wait, wait, wait. Don't be like that.
Don't walk away like this, okay? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, okay? It won't happen again, I promise.
And this weekend I'll be on my best behavior.
I know, but I always let you off so easy and you can't--
Yes. Yes, I can. What if I run down the streets naked
professing my love for you?
Don't tempt me, 'cause I might make you do it.
- Fine, do it. - I will.
- Okay, good. Deal. - You don't think I will?
- I hope you do. - I will.
I'm ready.
My father thinks I'm crazy for marrying you.
Uh, isn't he, like, on his fourth wife?
It's kind of like getting marriage advice from Larry King.
Come on. I'm sorry.
You look pretty.
Thank you.
What-- what are you wearing under there?
( Groans )
Oh, my God.
( Liquid pouring )
Good morning, sweetheart. How is my baby?
Hung over as shit, Mom, but thanks for asking.
(Sighs )
Find your own place yet?
I'm working on it. I'm a little short on cash right now.
That's because you spend it all on booze and strippers.
That is a pack of lies and you know it.
What kind of a man do you think I am?
"Just booze and strippers"-- that's outrageous. I'm offended.
'Morning.
Mike: Hey, look who's up. Good morning, Destiny.
Come on.
What can I get for you, dear?
I'll take a cup of coffee, thanks.
I rest my case.
- Thank you. Oh. - There you go.
She's much better than the one last week.
- Yeah, Mom, this one's a keeper. - Yeah, I know.
J' It's not the weight that you carry on your back J'
J' it's not your last laugh J'
J' It's not your game J'
J* It's not the way that you wear your silent now... J*
Rodney: Destiny went back to your house?
Mike: She did indeed. In fact, I think she's still there.
It's all right, though. My mom's gonna take her shopping.
Rodney: Oh, that sounds terrific.
You've been going there for, what, five years?
- You know what? - You still don't know her real name?
Here's what I do know: She liked cuddling.
You gotta be the only guy I know who cuddles with a stripper.
What's up with everyone here?
I don't know. Maybe somebody got fired.
Hey, Kline, what the hell is going on here?
You didn't hear about Farrell?
Hear about it? Dude, we were there.
Yeah, the old man was a legend last night.
He broke Flight Club's all-time lap dance record.
He's dead--
heart attack.
Does everybody else know?
( Sobbing )
(thunder rumbling )
Priest: The Lord is my shepherd. I shall lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil.
You don't think we had anything to do with his death, do you?
What? No.
No way.
It's not like we forced him to do all those tequila shots.
No. He's the one who wanted to dance with the strippers.
Yeah.
J' Oh, yeah J'
J' The bitch wants more... J'
( crowd cheering )
It's the last memory I'm gonna have of that crazy old bastard.
Shut the fuck up.
Priest: ...follow me all the days of my life.
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord...
Now that Farrell's dead,
who do you think corporate's gonna promote?
I don't know. Probably some real douche.
Aw, looking good, Willy.
- Give that a little polish, eh? - Yes, sir.
Yeah, when you close. Okay, good.
( Sighs ) Well, gentlemen,
it's a new day,
a new regime.
I guess seniority has its perks, huh?
And now guess what time it is.
It's payback time.
See, you two have made working here a I--
a living hell for me, all right?
You pretty much did that yourself by being an asshole.
If this is about me sending that vibrator to your mom,
I was totally drunk at the time--
-( Rodney chuckles ) - --gone.
Yeah, he was. I can vouch for that.
You--
you sent my mother a vibrator?
Just a little one.
You leave my mother's vagina out of this!
Are we done here? I've got tires to sell.
No, we're not done, McAdams.
We have only just begun.
See, I haven't forgotten the humiliation that you two have put me through.
What humiliation?
Are you serious? How about that male stripper on my birthday?
J' Give me some more J'
J' Get on the floor, come on... J*
( laughing )
All right, what about when you put Ecstasy
in me and Kline's drinks at the company carnival?
- How are you doing, Mr. Castro? - Argh! Jesus!
It's not funny. That's a felony.
That's a felony, all right? That's a felony.
And I don't have the lab results yet,
but I'm pretty sure it was one of you two
who took a dump on the hood of my car last week.
- Right on his window. -( laughing )
Shh.
- Oh. - Dude.
Shut the fuck up. It's okay. It's okay.
Jesus Christ.
Whoa. Whoa.
Yeah, yeah, ha ha ha. Laugh it up. Laugh it up,
because the fun's over, all right?
From now on, this place is gonna be run by my rules.
I could fire your punk asses right now, no questions asked.
Yeah, well, then why don't you?
'Cause if this is what it's gonna be like working for you, we're better off.
You think I'm that stupid?
- ( Both laugh ) - I fire you and you walk out of here
with great, big severance packages.
- That sounds good to me. - I bet it does.
Yeah, well, you can kiss that wet dream goodbye,
'cause you're not being fired.
Instead...
you're being demoted.
Demoted? Are you kidding?
To what? Interns?
What, are you gonna make us janitors?
( laughs )
How about secretaries?
Yeah.
( laughs ) Who's laughing now?
Not you two. Right here,
this is an honest, genuine laugh.
( laughing loudly )
Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?
What does it look like I'm doing? I'm packing up my shit.
Yeah, don't you think we should talk about this?
There's nothing to talk about. Demoted to secretaries? Fuck that.
We're out of here.
I know exactly what you're thinking, but don't worry.
Everything's gonna be fine.
We're gonna grab some breakfast, charge up the old batteries,
hit the pavement, and find some new jobs.
Everything will be hunky-dory. Who wouldn't hire us?
I'm gonna be honest with you, gentlemen--
your resumes aren't great.
It does look like you have some decent sales experience here.
Is there someone I could call over at Treadline,
maybe a reference of some sort?
( Clears throat ) A reference?
Yeah, that's-- that's gonna be a bit of a problem.
Our reference sort of died.
( Chuckles ) Yeah, it's a long story.
There was drinking and strippers
and we might have inadvertently killed him.
Rodney: No criminal charges have been filed of any kind.
- We're not sure. - No, no.
- I'm pretty sure we're in the clear. - Well, we're not totally sure,
so fingers crossed.
- Get the fuck out of here. - Thank you.
Mike: This sucks.
Rodney: What if this is just temporary? Maybe I can fix this.
A couple of days, a week or two at the most--
bam! We get our old jobs back.
What if you can't fix it? What if we're stuck being secretaries?
Rodney: Relax. How bad can this be?
We start at 8:00 a.m. sharp, finish at 6:00,
15-minute breaks and half-hour lunches.
I hope that's not going to be a problem.
Yeah, actually, we're more
on the 9:00 to 5:00 schedule. Farrell was cool with that.
Sometimes 10:00 to 4:00, depending on if we're hung over.
He's dead. You're on my schedule now--
8:00 a.m., no excuses.
And try to look a little more professional.
I prefer comfort to professional.
Maybe you prefer my foot up your ass.
Let's motor on.
We're expected to keep this break room neat and tidy at all times.
Yes, we're the little elves that wash the dishes in that sink.
We're expected to keep the donuts stocked
and the coffee fresh every morning,
which is why we don't drink and eat all the coffee and the donuts.
The secretaries have their own break room.
Rodney: Are you kidding?
Mike: I don't think she's kidding. Isn't this a storage closet?
Rodney: There's no TV in here.
How are we supposed to watch "Sports Center"?
- There's no donuts. - No.
Donut-free zone. We're all on diets.
Ugh. This is bad.
No donuts.
The phone system is a nightmare.
The filing system's even worse.
Our computers are pieces of crap, so, you know, deal with it.
Oh, and on Fridays,
all the girls like to get together after work
for a book club.
At least that's what we tell our husbands.
But... ( laughs )
we usually go to Bennigan's for happy hour, though.
( Chuckles )
In case you're ever interested.
Oh, thanks, but we actually have
- our own happy hour spot we go to. - Oh.
Yeah, one that has half-naked women
swinging around on poles, which is awesome.
Well, not just on poles. They kind of get on all fours and--
If you're into that sort of thing,
which we're not,
so we only go for the buffet.
Oh, I'm sure.
Well, I think it's time for you to meet your new bosses.
Well, you know as well as I do, anything that's gonna boost production
is gonna make me happy as a clam.
You got it, Chuck.
( Knocks )
Yeah, hey, let me call you back in a little bit, you old son of a bitch.
All right.
Mr. Frank, I'd like to introduce you to Rodney McAdams,
your new secretary.
Uh, no, thanks, sweetheart.
Tell Kenny that the manufacturing department
would like someone who's just a little bit more
perky on top, if you know what I mean.
Well, I do, Mr. Frank. I know exactly what you mean.
Yee-haw.
But unfortunately, Mr. Castro has asked
that Rodney be assigned to you,
so happy trails.
Well, have a seat, Nancy.
Actually, it's Rodney, sir.
Yeah, whatever.
A male secretary, huh?
Shit, you might as well just have your balls cut off.
Oh, yeah.
Can I help you?
Hey, sister. Wrong office. I've already been assigned to this guy.
Excuse me?
This guy's covered, all set.
You'd better go find yourself another boss.
Would you grab me a cup of coffee while you're out there,
while I'm waiting around for this a-hole?
Oh, good. You're both here.
Mike Murphy, meet Elizabeth Holland-- your new boss.
By the way, this a-hole likes her coffee black, no sugar.
- ( Yelps ) - ( chuckles )
Thanks.
So who did you get?
Some outside accountant corporate's brought in to audit the books.
That's what you got to do.
Dude, what the fuck?
- Hey, Castro. - Rodney: Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, Castro. Are you guys kidding? - Oh, whoopsy-doopsy.
Sorry, guys, I'm afraid there's no more room.
- What's going on? - No, no, no, Castro.
We always sit here, okay? Everybody knows this is our table.
Oh, yeah? Is that right? Well, guess what. Not any more,
'cause maybe I'd like to sit here once in a while.
You know, why don't you go sit with the secretaries--
you know, where you belong?
( Chuckles )
Go on. You'll fit right in.
Oh, one other thing:
I'm gonna have to ask you to turn in your softball uniforms.
- You're gonna kick us off the team? - Yeah.
What, is everybody on board with this?
How about you, Kline?
What did he offer you to stab us in the back--
a pay raise, your own private parking spot?
A parking-- yeah, a parking spot.
What about you, O'Donnell? What did you get?
Oh, wait, let me guess-- a hand job?
Look,
Kline and O'Donnell are smart men.
They know who signs the paychecks.
Yeah? And they sure as shit don't want to end up like you two.
And I don't think they're alone.
See, certain people around here have had to put up with you clowns
'cause they had to,
'cause you were Farrell's golden boys.
Well, guess what. That old fucker's dead.
That makes you
just my bitches.
You cannot turn this entire company against us, Castro.
Oh, yeah? Well, I can sure as hell try, McAdams.
Now why don't you two beat it
before I have you restocking the tampon machines?
( laughing ) Whoa! Ta-dah!
Hey, Kline.
Yeah, bye-bye.
- Toodle-oo. - Enjoy the Salisbury steak.
Don't let it hit you on the ass when the door--
I mean, if you're going out.
Hey, ladies. How's it going?
Our table's a bit crowded today. Do you mind if we join you?
Oh, I'm saving these for somebody.
You boys don't want to sit here anyway.
All we do is talk about makeup and diets.
We'd probably bore the hell out of you.
Don't cry.
They should cry.
Now they get to see what it feels like.
They did the same thing to everybody else,
and now they get a taste of their own medicine.
Mike: This blows.
It's not great.
J* You'd never met me, not seen me before J*
J' But you knew all about me when I walked through the door J'
J' You had me figured, yeah, you knew J'
J' I'm the kind of boy to go crazy for you... J'
Let's face it-- Castro's got us by the balls.
That's true.
Oh, Shit.
It's Jennifer's dad and his teen bride.
I know, I know. I'm gonna get you one.
- Encore. - Yes, sir.
Mr. Daniels, looking dapper as usual.
Rodney, at the bar as usual.
Hi, cutie.
- How are you doing? - Good.
Good. You're looking good,
really good.
Stop eye-fucking my wife, son.
- ( Wife chuckles) Oh, J.R. - Sure.
What the hell is the matter with you?
Good to see you, Mr. Daniels.
Wow.
What a prick.
Are you absolutely certain you want to marry into that?
After all the shit that's gone down,
J.R.'s just the start of my problems.
What about you? You're just as screwed as I am.
- You still live with your parents. - I do not live with my parents.
I live in an apartment which they happen to live above.
- You live in their basement. - It's not their basement, okay?
It's my basement-- a subterranean loft.
Rodney.
Mr. Daniels.
You know, Rodney,
I didn't come in here because I needed to take a whiz.
- You didn't? - No, I didn't.
I thought it was time I had a little chitchat
with my future son-in-law.
Oh, you mind giving me a little second to finish up here?
Look at me, Rodney.
Sir, I'd really rather not.
You've got your thing going on over there. I've got my thing--
I said look at me.
Jesus.
- Look at it. - What?
I said look at it.
I said-- don't you dare look me in the eyes.
Look at it.
Don't-- don't you look me in the eyes, I said.
- Look at it. - This is crazy.
You want to see crazy, son? Look-- look at it--
- Okay, okay. - --with both eyes, both eyes.
Now don't you look up. Don't you even think about looking up.
That's it. You keep staring at it.
You want to be a real man?
You start by studying a real man.
That's right. Take it all in.
Pretty impressive, huh?
You know the sad part, son?
You're smart enough to be running that place.
But what have you done there, at that little tire company?
( Muttering )
Last summer, they were thinking about
giving me my own parking space.
Just like I thought.
You haven't done shit and you never will.
Oh, and, Rodney,
I just got you to stare at my penis.
( laughing ) Unbelievable.
Where have you been?
I was in the bathroom having a heart-to-heart with your father.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, yeah. No, we talked.
He threatened me, made me stare at his penis the whole time--
you know, typical future son-in-law, father-in-law kind of stuff.
Okay, honey, what's wrong with you?
You're acting weird. You're sweating. You're pale.
Are you sick?
No, no, I'm not sick. I'm just stressed out
with work-- stupid work stuff, okay?
I've been meaning to tell you.
It's just not the right place to tell you--
- right here, you know? - What?
Look, something big went down at work.
Okay.
Why don't you share your big work news with everybody, Rodney?
Oh, no, that's all right, J.R. No one wants to hear about that stuff.
Sure, they do-- I mean, especially if it's about your parking spot.
No, it's all right. Really, no one wants to hear--
- No, no, no, no. - ( glass clinks)
Attention, everyone. Apparently Rodney has
some very big work news he'd like to share with all of us.
No, no, really, J.R. It's really not-- it's so boring.
You don't want to hear about it. Party on.
Baby, it's okay.
We're all family here. What is it?
Yeah, family, Rodney.
- I got a promotion. - Oh, honey.
- Yes. - That's great.
I'm so happy for you. Why didn't you tell me?
Oh, I wanted to surprise you, you know?
- Jennifer: Oh, God. - Oh, shit.
-( Beeps ) - Radio D.J.: it's Monday. Wake up--
J' When your feet hit the street, does your heart start to sink J'
J' Knowing all that you've been in? J*
( blows horn )
Mike, come on.
J' When the high starts to fade J'
J' If the boys want to die, you let 'em... J*
That's it! You are a terrible secretary.
You know that. I know that.
Next thing you know, you're gonna be cleaning out the fucking shitter.
J* When you're staring out the front J
J* You might die young... J'
( line beeping )
Jesus.
Help. Help.
Listen, I'm gonna tell you one thing: You don't know how to type.
You don't know how to fax. I'll tell you why you can't do it later.
'Cause there ain't gonna be a fucking later.
You're a sorry piece of shit.
J* We're out on the other side tonight I
J* Standing on the edge and sleeping on tracks J'
J' Falling off the ledge, slipping through cracks J'
J' Another night, another night J'
J' Out on the other side... J'
( men laughing ) Oh!
Ow. My balls hurt from spilling coffee--
third-degree burns.
Well, at least your hands aren't covered in paper cuts
from filing all day.
Oh, my God, those are nasty. You should get that checked out.
Rough week, girls?
See you Monday.
We can't keep going on like this.
There's got to be a better way.
No.
Yes.
- No. - Yes.
It's our only shot.
Let's go.
Fuck.
- He's sensitive. - He's not.
Hey, guys. We're here for the book club.
Jane invited us.
I did,
but that was before Mike said
that he likes to go to bars with--
I don't know. What was it?
Half-naked women swinging on poles?
Oh, no, he didn't.
Ain't no half-naked women swinging around on no poles here.
Mm-mm.
A couple more of these, and I can make that happen for you, Betty.
( laughs )
- You know I will. - Save it.
We just wanted to say that we realize
that we've treated you pretty shitty over these years.
- Oh, pretty shitty? - Okay, fine. Very shitty.
- And we're really sorry for that. - Yeah.
We had no idea how hard your jobs were until this week.
Castro is making our lives a living hell.
We suck as secretaries.
I mean, look at this guy's hands. Look at these paper cuts.
We just really are at the point
that we'd love to have a little bit of your help, please.
They look infected.
What do you think, Jane?
Well, maybe we could help.
What's in it for us?
An-- anything you want.
- What-- what can we help you with? - Yeah, what've you got?
I don't want to hear it.
I'm serious. I'm really upset right now.
Oh, come on, the secretary league has some good players.
Don't even.
This is some "League of Their Own" bullshit, and you know it.
See "All My Children" yesterday?
Come on, pretty girl, right here. Tina, come on--
Have they even won a game?
No, I don't think so.
Well, let's get this over with.
(Sighs )
( game playing on TV)
Oh, hi, honey.
- Hey. - Hey.
What are you doing home so early?
I thought tonight was softball.
Yeah, it was. I just didn't feel like going after, that's all.
- Oh, that's a first. - Yeah.
Oh, let me get this. Give me your uniform.
Oh, no, I got these. They're just covered in mud.
You don't want to touch them. What's all this?
Oh, sample wedding invitations.
I think I have narrowed it down to the two that I like.
These-- I love the font for sure,
but I don't know. It might be a little busy. And--
honey, what do you think?
That's incredible. That's-- that's--
is this Helvetica? That's a beautiful font.
What is it made from? Is it, like, papyrus?
You're so full of shit.
- What? - Go watch the game.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
- You're the best. - I know.
Can I get a kiss?
We'll do this tomorrow?
- Okay. - Saturday.
Don't turn your uniform pink again.
It's your wedding. She wants you to be involved.
So I'm the worst fiancé of all time.
I'm just not into this wedding planning stuff.
Use your imagination. Think of it as, like, a bitchin' party
with neon lights and techno music.
Mikey, Mikey, we're planning my wedding, not a frat party.
J* When you want it, you get it J*
J' 'Cause I am sugar daddy's little girl I
J' Sugar, sugar, sugar, I'm sugar daddy's girl... I
We get demoted and he gets a new car?
Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
Yeah, it's Ken Castro.
- No, just Ken. - ( chirps )
Wait, does it come in ultra deluxe? How about super ultra deluxe?
Hey, somebody want to pick up that sign?
You know, Betty, there's a rule against eating at your desk.
And let me tell you, if you worked as hard as you ate,
maybe you'd get somewhere in life, maybe.
Unless of course your goal is to have your own gravitational pull
and become the 10th planet.
Then congratulations, you're well on your way.
We'll have to clear the desk out a little bit.
Hey, Castro, why don't you lay off, man? Come on.
Stay out of this, McAdams. This doesn't concern you.
Why don't you and Murphy go jerk each other off in the copy room?
Now from now on,
you eat only at lunch or on your break.
You got me?
Hey, do you got me?
Yes, Mr. Castro.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I gotta go drop the kids off at the pool.
Why do you let him talk to you like that?
You should stand up for yourself.
What am I supposed to do? Sue?
I need this job. Besides, he ain't lying.
Look at me. All I do is eat.
Rodney: That's right. Stretch it out.
Are you guys sure about this? I ain't never worked out before.
Come on, when we're done with you, you're gonna look like Star Jones.
And that's a good thing? She got all crazy when she got skinny.
Hey, you gotta take the good with the bad.
Shit, I guess I'd rather be crazy and skinny than fat and miserable.
- There you go. - Okay, let's do this. Let's do this.
All right, that's our girl. Come on now, go break a sweat.
- Okay. - Ready? And go!
- There you go. - There you go. Light on your toes.
Take it easy at first.
23 minutes, 42 seconds. One more lap.
Rodney: Lance Armstrong would be proud.
Good job, Betty. You run like a champion.
This workout stuff's fun.
I like it.
You think we're pushing her too hard?
Nah. Look at her. She's having a ball out there.
She's like a wild stallion.
( Chuckles )
- Oh, Lordy. - Oh, Shit.
Okay, people,
rules are going to be strictly enforced at this company now.
It is 8:58, people.
That means you have two minutes to get inside and get to your desk,
'cause we start at 9:00 sharp.
Oh, hey.
Hey, uh, uh...
Soon-Yi, right?
- It's Olivia. - Oh.
- Mr. Castro, right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Who's this little guy? - Oh, this is my son Jack.
I tried to get him a sitter for today, but she's in school.
So you're just gonna bring him up to the office?
- He's so quiet. - Yeah, he does look quiet.
Hey, I've got a great idea-- get that thing out of here.
Move it. Get it back home. Get rid of it.
All right, come on, folks, let's move it.
( Hisses )
Thank you very much. Have a great day.
Thanks.
- Hey, man. - Hey, man.
You're here, like, every freakin' day. What gives?
Nothing gives.
Why don't you put the bong down and go make some coffee?
You're, like, their coffee bitch?
What did you just call me? Coffee bitch?
Ha ha, that's funny, yeah. No, go ahead, keep talking.
Call me a coffee bitch one more time. Go ahead. Go ahead.
I will pole-vault over this counter and shove a cappuccino up your ass.
You got it? No one calls me coffee bitch.
Whatever.
There he is.
Coffee bitch in the house.
Oh, there's my little girl, my favorite secretary.
Why don't you take me a memo-- suck my co--
Argh! Jesus! I told you, double-cup it.
I have very tender fingers. I need two cups, you dumb dummy.
What took you so long?
This better be decaf. You know, regular messes up my boner meds.
Oh, Shit.
Hey, O'Donnell, I want that report on my desk in an hour. You got it?
- What-- what report? - Just do it, O'Donnell.
Shit, did I forget something?
Hi, honey. What are you doing here?
I don't know. I thought I'd, you know, stop in and surprise you.
So which one's your new office?
Oh, baby, you don't want to see my office.
- It's so boring. - I do.
No, please. It's just-- it's a desk. It's a chair.
They painted it today. The fumes are nasty.
Wait, I don't care if they painted it.
No, but they're really bad. It's toxic. You'll faint. You'll faint.
I promise. It's horrible in there.
Oh, God.
Okay, if I can't see your office, then let me take you to lunch.
Where's Nancy?
Uh, you know what? Today's really not so good for me.
I've got a lot going on.
I don't think--
- What, you can't take a lunch? - I'd really like to, but--
- Mr. McAdams. - What?
They're looking for you in the conference room
for your lunch meeting.
Oh. Oh, my lunch meeting.
Of course. Thank you, Jane.
Uh-huh, sure.
Thank you, Jane. My lunch meeting.
See, I've got this big lunch meeting.
I'm sorry, honey. It's just not a good day.
I understand. Okay, well, I will see you tonight.
Yes. Yes, you will.
- Bye. - Bye.
So I'm gonna go back to work.
I'm not gonna like it.
- Rodney. - Yeah?
I'm so proud of you.
I really am. The whole promotion and everything--
I'm just-- I just wanted to tell you that.
Thanks.
Okay, don't work too hard.
Bye.
That was one hell of a save back there, Jane.
Thanks for that. What a great bluff.
These idiots should have you working in sales.
Oh, please.
I've been trying to get in sales here for 10 years now.
It'll never happen.
In case you hadn't noticed, women don't get promoted in this company.
Rodney, this is still an old-fashioned tire company.
It's a boys' club. You know that.
Your girlfriend doesn't know, does she?
Oh, no, that's my fiancée.
Oh.
Yeah. And I am gonna tell her,
maybe.
Well, it's complicated. Her father wants to crush my nuts.
Well, that'll smart.
She's your fiancée-- priorities.
Take care of that, nuts and all.
Frank: Nancy, get in here and light my cigarette,
- you piece of shit. - Yes, sir.
Okay, this report is incomplete.
And the pages aren't even in order.
And is some of this written in pencil?
Well, the ink on my printer went out, so...
I don't know how to work the cartridge thingy.
You're unbelievable.
Okay, yesterday, you spilled
a full box of paper clips into my paper shredder.
- It was an accident. - And before that,
you connected my conference call to a Chinese restaurant.
Ordering your Chinese takeout.
And there were a lot of lines going,
and one of them was a three-way call and--
Okay, you know what? Speaking of three-way,
what about the porn that you synced to my BlackBerry?
Are you sure that wasn't already there?
Which, by the way, I cannot get off.
- ( Knocks on door) - Yes?
Excuse me, Miss Holland.
I just wondered if I could borrow Mike for a minute.
I've got an errand I need him to run.
Don't you have your own secretary, Kenny?
- Ken. - It's Ken.
And she's a bit preoccupied.
I got her over at my place waiting for the cable guy, so...
Fine. Go.
All right, cleaned and pressed this time, all right?
- And tell them-- - Don't push it, Kenny.
You don't push it.
New secretaries--
sometimes it takes a little bit to break 'em in, you know?
Not really.
I don't send my secretaries out on personal errands.
Oh.
Well, you should. It's fantastic.
It's like having little elves, you know?
All right, so how's it going?
How are you liking Treadline?
- A fun group, huh? - Yes, very fun.
Yeah, we try to-- we try to, you know, have fun.
Okay. Bye-bye. Okay, thanks.
Sometimes, you know, we'll go after work
and we'll go to Ding Dongs and-- you know, they have a sports--
- Thank you, no. - Oh, you gotta go. it's fun.
I was gonna get a group of people-- maybe not even a group.
You don't want to get overwhelmed. Why don't we go down-- the two of us?
- Huh? - No.
Anyway, I'm-- you know, I'm over in that side of the hall.
And my door is always open to you.
Okay, could you-- could you close my door?
- Yeah, yeah, sure. - Thank you.
You know, I meant that in, like, a spiritual way,
so that it was like, you know-- it's a symbolic thing.
So the door may be closed, but, hey, it's open to you.
You know, could you open the door,
you out, close? Than ks.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, you're busy. - Yes, very busy.
Um, okay. Well, I will let you get to it.
- Okay, goodbye. - Goodbye.
Goodbye. Thank you, Ken.
Okay. Hey, do you like Greek food?
No, no, I don't eat.
- Lamb? - No.
- A vegetarian, eh? - Okay. Uh-huh. Bye-bye.
- Ship up, shape out. - "Ship out." Thank you.
Do you-- do you like movies?
No. No, I don't.
- How about TV? - No.
All right. Um, well, if you get hungry--
- Thanks. Bye-bye. - Are you fixed good for cash?
- I'm great. Thank you so much. - Okay. All right.
Goodbye.
Goodbye. Okay.
- Ken: This will be it. - That's it.
( Exhales ) Wow.
You should have seen her. I mean, she completely bailed me out.
Well, that is great for you.
Meanwhile, my boss thinks I'm an idiot
and Castro's got me running around like his personal slave.
The good news is
I've dropped, like, two sizes drinking this stuff.
(Woman sobbing )
(sniffling )
So at dinner
we got really buzzed off Dreamsicle daiquiris.
It was really romantic.
And then we did the whole movie thing.
And he put his arm around me
and we shared a Coke.
And I looked up at the screen.
There were those cute little snack guys
telling you to go to the lobby
and get yourselves a treat.
And so I was like, "Hell, yeah, he deserves a treat."
You know, so I just gave him a quick hand job
underneath his popcorn bowl.
And then we went back to his house.
And it was so amazing, you guys.
We did it twice on the balcony.
And the second time he had me doggy-style.
And it was so beautiful.
We were looking over the city lights.
And the exact moment he spooged,
a shooting star went by.
It was magical,
like a fucking Disney movie.
But then I come in here today
and he completely ignores me.
It's like hejust used me for sex or something.
All the guys here are such jerks.
( Sobbing )
And she's screaming, "Oh, O'Donnell, you're so big."
And I'm like, "Damn straight I am." And she's like--
- O'Donnell, O'Donnell, - O'Donnell, your ass is mine.
- Hey, what's up, guys? - Don't "What's up" us.
We just finished having a little conversation with our friend Tina.
You remember who Tina is, don't you?
Come on, guys, I mean, that chick's a whore.
Everybody in the office has boned her.
She's not a whore. She's an angel.
- ( Coughing ) - Here's what's gonna happen:
You're gonna apologize and then you're gonna buy her some flowers.
Yeah, big ones. Two dozen red roses.
Do you have any idea how much that's gonna cost me?
Okay, man, just put down the stapler. Man, just put down the stapler.
( Coughing )
And that goes for the rest of you clowns.
Any of you mess with our girls-- you'll have to deal with us.
Hell, yeah.
Maybe we can get her into, like, an AA program
for women addicted to dick.
Yeah, that's a good idea. Like DA-- Dicks Anonymous?
Yeah.
( Birds screeching )
This is a great change of pace, Earl.
Actually, do you mind if I call you Earl? Can I call you Earl?
Actually, no, you can't.
See, Rodney,
I ain't like other bosses.
I like to get out of the office
every once in a while and have some fun.
Oh, I love fun. Fun and me are like best pals.
Everybody, this is Rodney.
Rodney, this here is the killing crew.
Rodney, we're gonna give you approximately--
what do you think, boys? About five minutes?
We're gonna give you a five-minute head start.
A five-minute head start for what?
- Ow. Ow. Ow. -( men laughing)
Fuck me. Jesus Christ. What are you doing?
You're our prey today, son.
You'd best get moving, boy.
- ( Guns clicking ) - Oh, shit.
Ow.
Hmm.
You know what? Fuck the five minutes.
Let's go get some fresh meat, boys.
Hooah!
( Phone ringing )
- Hello. - Mike: Hey, where are you?
It's lunchtime. I'm starving.
I'm about ready to eat this freakin' memo pad.
Yeah, I'm not actually gonna make lunch today.
I've got a bit of a situation here, Mikey.
- Are you running? - Yes, I'm fucking running.
Oh, fuck.
Hey, guys. Hey, you win.
- Oh, shit. - Light him up.
( Rodney screaming )
Argh! Ow. Ow.
Paintball? It all just seems a little macho to me.
Honey, I told you it was a bonding exercise with my sales team.
Besides, I'm their boss.
They have to know that I'm a great leader,
that I can kick some ass, which, by the way, is exactly what I did.
Are you sure it wasn't the other way around?
Oh, these? Are you kidding me?
You know what these are? These are defensive wounds, okay?
I got these shielding my teammates.
Oh, okay, so you were--
you were, like, protecting them?
Yes. Yes, hell, yeah.
- That's hot. - Yeah. You like that?
That's really hot.
Really hot? You want me to show you exactly how I did it?
- I do. - Okay, put that magazine down.
Here I come.
- Come here. - It's all this paint.
- Ow. Ow. Ow. - Oh, honey.
- Ow. Fuck. - Honey, oh.
No, no, it's not your fault. It's not your fault.
Can I get you some ice?
No, I need, like, an ice suit.
So let me get this straight:
your boss stalked you through the woods like a fucking ferret
and you're gonna tell Jennifer that it was a training exercise?
I had to tell her something. She's getting suspicious.
- Whoa. - Oh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh-uh.
Good morning, ladies.
Morning, Kenny. How's your ass?
Was your boyfriend gentle on you last night?
Ha ha, you're a real comedian, Murphy.
And it's Ken, God damn it. How many times I gotta tell you that?
Oh, we're sorry. How about Fuckface? Does that work for you?
Blow a horse, McAdams.
No, I'm good. I'll leave the animal rape to you.
Uh, it's not rape if you blow something. That's not rape.
What is with the roadblock?
Does Treadline have some al-Qaeda on the loose or what's up?
You know, corporate asked me to make some cutbacks,
so I thought I'd start with secretary parking.
- These are all rental spaces. - Okay, where are we supposed to park?
All the secretaries are gonna be able to park on Walnut.
- Walnut? - That's, like, a mile walk from here.
Castro, it's, like, 100° outside today.
I know. It's a real scorcher, isn't it?
I don't know if it's been this hot in a long time--
probably global warming.
You should see what my nutsack feels like.
All right, have fun walking, bitches.
Castro is gonna pay for this. it's like the fucking Sahara out here today.
Tell me about it. I'm definitely gonna have swamp ass all day now.
You and me both.
My front side ain't doing too good either.
Yes, Miss Holland would like to know if she can reschedule her 2:00, please.
There he is, right on time, going to take his morning shit.
Just like clockwork. This guy is so predictable.
Good morning. Mr. Frank's office.
No, he's not in. Can I take a message?
Will do. Thank you.
Break it up, ladies. This isn't "The View."
( phone rings )
Hello. Mr. Castro's office.
- He's in. - Got ya.
What the fuck is this?
- Which one is it? - How the fuck should I know?
I'm not a scientist. This shit's complicated.
- Whatever. Just turn them all. - All right.
- ( grunts ) - ( plops )
(sighs )
Right there.
( Pipes clanking )
Yeah, that's good.
Oh, fudge.
( Low rumbling )
Oh!
( Cheering )
( screaming )
Oh, Jesus Christ! Oh, Jesus!
( Screaming ) Oh, Jesus!
Oh, it's going up my nose. Oh, mother.
What the shit?
Oh.
No, no, no, no.
Oh, Shit.
Oh, my-- fuck.
Shh. Go back.
She's got promise.
J* I've been watching the birds as they go J'
J* And I've been keeping my bank account low J*
I I've been keeping my end of the deal... J'
- ( crowd cheering ) - .P With St. Anthony and St. Thomas .F
J* My little sister gave it a hell of a try J'
J* You know, I hear it gets worse when you die I
J* I can't believe you got me waiting for another year J*
J' But if you ever make it back, I'll be here J*
J* And I'll be ready, I promise I
J' I promise... J'
Open all the way.
J* I hear your voice J'
J' Say things to me J'
J' But I get up for nothing J'
J' 'Cause I'm afraid to see... J'
- No, no, no, no. - Tina.
J* Every day is so twisted, I know you won't give in J'
J' But I'll still be here J'
J' If you want me back again J'
- J' I promise... I - Whoa, shit.
J' I promise... J'
- ( cheering ) - J* I try to count the chimes J'
J' Water the flowers above the sink sometimes J'
J* I listen to your records J'
J' Do you still have mine? J'
J* Every day is so twisted... J'
-( Betty giggling ) - J* I know you won't give in J'
J' So I promise not to try J'
- J' To make it breathe again... I - Mr. Frank's office.
- Here he is right now. - J' I promise... J'
Mike?
Oh, hey.
Don't mind me.
Okay. Excuse me, I just meant to take this with me on Friday.
What are you doing here on a Saturday?
Just catching up on some work, organizing.
Nobody likes a sloppy secretary.
Right.
Okay. ( chuckles )
Hey,
are you hungry?
Do you want to maybe grab some lunch?
Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah. Now?
( Chuckles )
Oh. Oh! Good job.
When you said, “lunch," I didn't expect you to take me bowling.
Okay, first of all, despite this being a bowling alley,
it happens to serve the best pizza in the city.
And second, you know, I've been kind of hard on you.
And lately you've really stepped it up.
So, I don't know, I guess it's the least I can do.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Yes! Whoo-hoo!
Yeah !
- Size seven. - Okay.
- Thanks. - No problem.
Thanks for this. It was really fun.
Yeah, it was fun.
But, listen, you know,
you might not want to mention this to anybody in the office.
Technically, I'm your boss.
Yeah, right, that's true. They might think
that we were dating or something
or that you were trying to sexually harass me,
which, you know-- which, by the way, would be fine.
I'd be totally cool with that, if, you know--
I mean, I wouldn't tell anybody. I wouldn't report you.
Right.
Good to know.
- Yeah. - Uh, okay.
- I'm gonna get going. - Yeah.
- Okay. Okay. - Okay. Okay.
Come on. God.
Jesus Christ, you didn't tell me he was coming.
Honey, he wants to be involved, okay?
First of all, I didn't know you were coming.
Let's all just try to get along today.
- Hi, Dad. - Hey, honey.
How's my little girl? Let's go. Today, Rodney.
Rodney: NASCAR-style. Watch your head.
Watch your head, sweetie.
- J.R.: Okay, all in? - Yep.
- ( Tires screech ) - Whoa.
I hope you boys are ready,
'cause we've got a lot of shopping to do.
Come on, rookie.
Rodney: Jesus, stop fucking hitting me, J.R.
J.R.: Come on.
These are them.
Don't mess with the big fella.
Mm. That's the one.
No.
-( laughing ) - Hey, hey.
- Yeah, I like this one. - Okay, uh-huh.
Yes!
Okay, so, guys, we need to find
a centerpiece.
A centerpiece for the tables-- that's what we're looking for, okay?
Okay.
Oh.
- I got it first, J.R. Get your own. - No, no, no, no, I had it first.
What are you talking about? I got my hand on it first.
Don't mess with me, Rodney. I'm a war veteran.
What are you talking about? You were in the Coast Guard.
- What do you mean by that? - Just give me the-- just give it.
Oh, my God, are you kidding me?
This is a store, for God's sakes.
You guys, is it possible for us to have one day--
just one day where you two get along?
- Negative. - No.
You can't keep arguing with your future father-in-law.
It's not healthy.
No, what's not healthy is his ability to be such an asshole.
At least you're not falling for your boss,
who, as it turns out, is cool as shit. Totally different outside the office.
- What? The auditor chick? Really? - Yeah.
Most girls you date can't even add.
Yeah, I know. I don't know what's happening.
I haven't wanted to go to a strip club in, like, three weeks.
Today is a big day for Treadline.
Hell, I'd say it's the biggest day in this company's history.
Any minute now we're gonna get word
that we have closed the Reilly Auto Parts deal.
Yeah !
We're with the big dogs now.
Get pumped!
Get fired up.
Yeah.
I know. It's exciting stuff, huh?
Yeah, I should know. I put the deal together myself.
But I can pretty much imagine what you're all thinking,
and I'll tell you what-- I'll make it easy on you.
You're welcome.
I will be accepting cash and/or gifts
as tokens of gratitude for all the hard work I've done.
Huh?
Now-- oh.
I'm a little low. You want to top me off?
Come on, sugar bottom. You want to help me out?
Yeah, honey buns, you. That's right.
Get coffee for your boss. All right, now
who's got business they want to discuss?
Kline: Yeah, Ken, seems we have an international kerfuffle--
Actually, I've got one quick thing. I don't know who it is
that's been putting copies of the movie "Nine to Five" on my chair,
- but it is really not cool-- not cool. - ( men chuckling )
I said business, Murphy.
Sorry, Kline. What were you saying?
Ken, listen, seems that--
( men exclaim, laugh )
Jesus Christ, McAdams.
This is awful. What are you trying to do-- poison me?
Go to Biggby's, get me some real coffee.
Hey, coffee bitch is making a run. Anybody want anything?
- I'm gonna get a latte, double. - I want a grande latte with soy.
O'Donnell: I need a decaf. We've already been over the reason.
- We don't need to talk about it. - Grab me a cappuccino?
Bite me.
Hey, look who's back for, like, a thousandth time.
Let me guess: you want some coffee?
Ain't that right,
coffee bitch?
Really?
Whoa. (woman screaming )
Rodney: Who's the coffee bitch now?
That little shit blinded me with coffee grinds, right?
So I grabbed this stale muffin and I hauled off a 90mph fastball.
I nailed him right in the forehead and knocked his ass out.
Awesome. What's next?
Are you gonna pick a fight with the retarded kid that works at Subway?
Shut up.
Ooh.
Mike: Are those guys from corporate?
- It's a misunderstanding. - I hope they fired Castro.
Not exactly, but they did chew him a new a-hole.
And you didn't get fucking donuts.
Apparently the Reilly Auto Parts deal
fell apart at the last second.
- Oh, shit. - Take cover.
( Ken yelling )
Fucking plant! You stupid--
Wow.
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
I know we call it "the book club,"
but I didn't think we actually took it seriously.
Oh, no, no, it's not like that.
I take nursing classes at night and I've got a final coming up.
Oh, that's nice.
Hey,
can I ask you guys for some advice?
Yeah, sure.
I mean, if it's about any kind of, you know, women's issues,
you know, down there,
we're not technically medically qualified to answer.
Please, please forgive him. He's a little slow.
Go ahead. What do you need? Shoot.
See, I've got my anniversary coming up
and I have no idea what to get my husband.
He's really difficult to shop for and--
- Blow job. - Blow job.
Excuse me,
did you just say--?
Yeah, a blow job. You know, like a hummer, sucking off.
Giving head, smoking the bone, fellatio--
it goes by many names.
And it's probably the best five minutes a man could ever ask for.
That is what you should get him for your anniversary as a present.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- That's it? - That is it.
Look at that.
Wow, so, you know, I've been totally overthinking this whole thing.
Most women usually do.
But, hey, no half-assing it. You go downtown on that thing, okay?
Like you did when you first started dating.
Yeah, lick his balls. That's an extra added bonus.
Balls, balls-- ball-licking is awesome.
You should be writing this down.
- Okay, uh... - Licking his balls.
- Oh, "licking his balls"? - Yeah.
The thing is, Bob and I-- we're into making romance.
And scrotum-licking sounds like...
- No, it's very romantic. - ...some crazy Internet thing.
- No, no, no, no. - No, no, you build up to romance
and then you start going crazy. You gotta like it, all right?
And if you don't like it, you gotta pretend like you like it.
- No, you gotta like it. - 'Cause he's gonna love it.
What do you like in life? What do you like to do?
Well...
oh, I love antique shopping.
Antique shopping? You gotta suck his dick
like you are antique shopping. You know what I'm saying?
Rodney: Honestly, in your mind, if you concentrate really hard
and make that cock like an antique,
like the most beautiful antique you've ever seen--
Are you sure a brand-new DVD player wouldn't be better?
No, fuck the DVD.
No, no, no, you are a smart girl, okay?
Listen, bottom line-- just suck that cock.
Yep, that pretty much sums it up.
Okay.
Good job, all right, but we need to go faster here, all right?
I don't have all day. Come on. Are you going--
are you gonna get that one down? Good.
All right, guys, also, hey, I asked for 10 guys
and they gave me six, all right?
I think one of them is gay, so five and a half.
Hey, hey, hey, what the hell is going on here?
More budget cuts. Castro's knocking down our break room.
He says that it's an extra expense the company can't afford any more.
Oh, come on, girl, don't cry. And they took our coffee machine.
- They're taking away all the Slim-Fast. - And now I'm gonna get fat.
Get me some more of these slag-hammer things.
And somebody bring me up my "Maxim" magazine.
Hey, Castro, you can't do this. You can't take our break room.
( Crowd exclaims )
I think I just did.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
But that turned out to be--
Oh, now what is this?
What is this?
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
( laughing )
- Okay, yeah, that's great. - The joke's over.
Yeah, why don't you go-- why don't you go protest?
- Why don't you go out and have--? - Kline: Not gonna happen.
- Nice sign. - There'll never be a union.
Why don't you get one of those giant inflatable rats?
- Rats. - You know? Right?
- Rodney: What do we want? - Union.
- When do we want it? - Now.
- What do we want? - Union.
- When do we want it? - Now.
- What do we want? - Union.
They're so angry.
We're standing here at Treadline with Mike Murphy
where the secretaries have walked out. Mike, what's going on?
You're witnessing something beautiful here right now.
What you're seeing is people who have decided
they're not gonna take it any more.
So we're just a bunch of girls out here fighting for our rights.
- When do we want it? - Now.
But you're a man.
I'm a man? Well, on the outside, that may be true,
but here on the inside, where it counts, we're all the same.
- Ken, Ken, Ken. - Yeah, what?
- Ken. - Yeah.
There are no more fucking donuts. This is a nightmare.
Hey, hey, ho, ho, Treadline shit has got to go.
Hey, hey, ho, ho,
Treadline shit has got to go.
Shame on Treadline. Take that, Castro.
Oh, that is uncalled for.
Hey, hey, ho, ho, Treadline shit has got to go.
One of them just peed on the company flag.
Whoo!
Whoo! Yow!
- ( Alarm blaring ) - Oh, not the Z, not--!
You got me, Castro? You got me?
Do you got me, Castro?
- I love it. Do you got me, Castro? - Mike: I am tired...
-( laughing ) - ...of the sexual innuendos
- and dirty looks! - Crowd: Yeah!
And what about the dirty little nicknames they give us?
Boo!
Cupcake.
Sugar tits!
( Crowd shouting ) No!
Whore!
Well-- well--
- well, not any more. - No!
No, not on my watch.
Yeah !
- Not on our watch. - Yeah!
No, today--
today is a new day.
Today and every day
from now until the end of time
will be known as secretaries' day!
( Feed back whines )
Castro sucks, he's got no sack. We all want our break room back.
Castro sucks, he's got no sack.
We all want our break room back.
Castro sucks, he's got no sack.
We all want our break room back.
Castro wants to talk.
Oh, yeah? Can't Castro come out here himself?
He's a little scared
- of them. - ( crowd laughs )
And, frankly, so am I. That's why I brought backup.
- And they're packing heat. - They're packing mace.
Hey, that shit'll burn your eyes out, Murphy.
Don't you forget it. So back off.
Take it easy, Dirty Harry. Tell Castro we're coming in.
Yeah.
- ( laughter ) - I'm all right.
Pussy!
( Cheering )
We all want our break room back.
Castro sucks, he's got no sack. We all--
Kline: "The Art of War" by Ken Castro. Mm-hmm.
I wouldn't want to be in their shoes right now.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Mike-- always there to save Rodney's neck.
I don't even--
- Men: Whoa! - O'Donnell: Oh, my God.
Castrate Castro. Castrate Castro.
Castrate--
We did it! We got a union!
J* Break it up J'
J* Don't go knocking at my door J'
.l"And cry J"
J' Telling tales of the broken... J'
Whoo!
Mr. Rodney McAdams, get your can up here.
- Up here now. Come on, Rodney. - No, no, I don't sing. I don't sing.
- Get up here. Get up here. - No, no, no.
- Hey, let's go. - Come here. Get up here.
I want you to know,
because you helped me get this beautiful body,
now you gotta give me some love.
Whoo!
- Oh-ho-ho, no. No way, no. - ( women cheering )
- Oh, no, he didn't. - Rodney, Rodney, Rodney.
- Wearing the shot. - All right.
Come on, come on.
Come on. Whoo!
(Women cheering )
Betty: Yes. Yes.
We were just having a little fun.
Oops.
- It was just a little titty shot. - Betty: I didn't even see her.
My father saw you on TV, Rodney.
He saw you.
You're a secretary?
You told me that you got a promotion.
Yeah, well, I meant demotion--
demotion, not promotion.
I got caught up in the moment at the party.
And after that weird talk with your father, I just--
I panicked. I just-- I panicked.
I'm sorry.
I just-- I thought I could fix it before you found out.
Guess what, Rodney--
you didn't fix it.
I have never lied to you--
never...
Never once have I lied to you.
I can't do this.
I can't.
I'm sorry, man.
It's a bummer.
It sucks. I know. I've been there.
No, you haven't. You haven't been there.
Yes, I have.
I've been there.
You haven't been there, Mike.
You've never had a girlfriend for more than six months.
Oh, come on. Dude, what about--
what about the chick from, you know, Sweater Puppies?
- Katie Olsen? - Katie. Katie Olsen.
Like, she dumped me senior year.
Senior year? Are you fucking kidding me?
- What? - My marriage just fucking fell apart
before it even started, and you're talking about senior year?
- How's that even close? - Well, I know how you're feeling.
That deep pit in your stomach, how that feels--
I know how that feels. See, you're feeling--
- I've been there. - Stop, please.
- Where are you going? - Uh, I don't know.
I'm gonna go try and find a place to live,
because my fiancee-- well, actually, scratch that--
my ex-fiancée kicked me out of the fucking house.
( Pop music playing on radio )
( music stops )
- Hey, Castro. - Hey.
- Ken. - Rodney.
Oh, you're looking really good there.
Listen,
I really want my job back.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah. And Mike's, too.
I mean, enough of this demoted stuff, okay?
We get it. We totally get it, all right?
You win. You're the boss.
Look, I'll do anything you want, okay?
I'll give you the commission on all my sales.
Rodney, you don't get it.
There is no getting back your job.
In fact, in two weeks,
you're not even gonna have one.
What are you talking about?
Oh, yeah, because of that little stunt you pulled--
secretaries' union-- I have to get back in corporate's good graces.
The easiest way to do that-- agree to lay off some of the sales division.
Boom! You and your little band of secretaries--
first to go. Bye-bye.
Do you want to talk about it?
He's gonna fire us, Jane--
all of us.
Doesn't that just figure?
Castro screws up and we lose our jobs.
Yeah.
This is every memo, every note,
every email, every letter and contract
pertaining to the Reilly account.
This was Farrell's baby.
This is the biggest account in the country.
( Exhales )
Jane, you're taking a big risk.
My girls are my life.
If this can help save their jobs, I'm in.
( Ken whispers ) Oh, yeah.
Oh, hello there. What's your name?
Oh, yeah?
That's-- that's my name too. ( chuckles )
Ken Castro likes what he sees.
- Ken, Ken. - Oh, hey, hey. God damn it.
Were you just looking at a picture of yourself?
( Stuttering )
'Cause, yeah, I'm scrapbooking for--
taking an online scrapbooking course.
Well, listen, listen, I just got off the phone with McPherson at Reilly Auto.
It seems Murphy, McAdams and our girl Jane
just went into a private meeting with Mr. Reilly.
- What the hell are they doing? - I don't know.
We've got to get over there. Whoa.
Get off me. Get off.
I'm fine. Kline, thank you.
Are broken-- stupid--
yeah, that's-- that's great.
Now our earnings models also show that our overall value
is expected to rise by the third quarter of next year.
Which, of course, will lower costs for our bigger suppliers.
I like the sound of that.
Jane: You can see that clearly graphed out
here and here.
Yeah, and with this shaky economy,
having our affordable tires on your shelves
not only is good for your customers, but it's great for your business.
Ken: All right.
( Tires screech )
' Gov go! gon gov go' - I'm going.
It's that orange thing. Go.
- Go. - That's ridiculous.
Hey, Ken, Ken, Ken, don't forget to validate.
Thank you.
- I'm Ken Castro for Mr. Reilly. - You can't go in there.
Mr. Reilly, don't listen to a word they say.
Kenny, I didn't think we had a meeting scheduled for today.
It's Ken, damn it. My fucking name is Ken.
Well, Ken, it seems that Treadline tires will be in my stores after all,
thanks to your coworkers here.
They did a hell of a job and, from what I understand,
may have saved a few jobs in the process.
What--? No, you didn't make a deal with them.
Yes, I did.
But they're not-- you can't--
Ah, see, Kenny?
We did what apparently you couldn't.
We closed the deal.
You know what, McAdams?
I've enjoyed torturing you. I really have.
It's been fun.
But I think I'm gonna enjoy kicking your ass a little bit more.
Come on, McAdams. Let's settle this right now. Come on.
Mikey, you want to take this one?
- Yeah, I got it. - All right.
Oh, yeah, go ahead. Go ahead, take the first--
oh!
- Rodney: Ouch. - Whew.
A pretty solid punch for a secretary.
- Yeah. - I'm getting the coffee.
Hey, what's going on in here?
Oh, hey. I'm glad you're back.
We could actually use a hand.
- Who's this? - This is Amy. Amy, meet Mike.
- Hi, Mike. - Wait, so this is how it works?
You fire me and then you bring in some temp-agency trash to replace me?
- Wow. - What are you talking about?
Look at her. She's dressed like a hooker.
Mike, Amy's my sister,
not a temp, okay? The audit's over.
She was just helping me pack my things.
( Mouths )
Yeah.
- Yep. - That's so great.
Let me hold that. It looks heavy.
There you go.
Maybe sometime we could grab a drink,
since you're not officially, like, my boss any more.
A drink sounds good.
I heard Bennigan's makes one hell of a margarita.
What, are you kidding me? Benny's the best in town.
Actually, I have my own table,
which is kind of cool, right?
Um, kind of.
( laughs )
I'm sorry about calling you temp-agency trash
and a hooker-- uncalled for.
- Bye. - Bye.
- Hi. - Hi.
Oh, these are for you.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Okay, listen, Jennifer,
I don't even know where to--
oh, guess what--
I got my old job back today, maybe even a promotion.
Yeah, landed the biggest account in the country.
- Corporate had no choice. - That's great, Rodney.
I'm happy for you.
What, and that's it?
Oh, I didn't do it for me, Jennifer. I did it for you.
I did it for us.
God, Rodney, it was never about your job, okay?
Secretary, sales associate-- who cares? I don't care.
Well, your dad cared. He made that very clear.
But I wasn't engaged to my dad.
He's not the one who lied to me.
That was you.
You're right. And I'm sorry.
I am so sorry, you have no idea.
I swear-- and I know I've said this so many times,
but it will never, ever happen again.
- Just stop. - No, no.
- Just stop. it's fine. - No, I'm not gonna stop.
I've changed. I'm a different guy now.
- Just stop. Just stop. - No, no, I don't want-- no, no.
- It's fine. - I'm not gonna stop. It's not fine.
- I don't want to hear any more. - I've changed. Listen,
I'm not gonna stop until I get you back, okay?
- Just listen to me. - No, no, I'm not gonna stop.
- It's fine. Will you just listen to me? - And remember we made a deal?
Remember the promise I made? Remember that?
- I'm not gonna stop. - Rodney, what--?
No, no, I'm not gonna stop until I get you back.
- Honey? - Because, if you recall,
I made a promise. Here it is.
I made a promise. And I make good on my promises, sweetheart.
- Rodney, what are you doing? - Let me tell you something: I love you.
I love you so much. And now the whole world's gonna know.
Jennifer Daniels, I love you.
I love Jennifer Daniels!
- No. - Hello, everybody. Hello, world.
I love Jennifer Daniels. Aw, Ed, Lucy.
Sweet little Lucy, I love Jennifer Daniels.
Oh, hello, Mr. Sisseck. How are you today?
- Hey, Rodney. - I love Jennifer Daniels.
On you go, sweet spirit.
Oh, Nancy, Tom, if you knew how much I love Jennifer--
- Tom: Congratulations. - If you knew-- I love her.
- Nancy: That's nice. - I love her so much.
I love Jennifer so--
(women laughing )
Olivia: Hi.
- Are you kidding me? - You don't need anything that big.
- You guys enjoy the show? - Whoo!
-( laughing ) - They were inside.
They got here about 15 minutes before you did.
I tried to tell you.
They told me everything. They told me how much you've changed.
They told me how much you've helped them.
I'm so proud of you.
We thought you needed a backup plan.
I gave her the same advice you guys gave me.
They love you.
And so do I. I love you.
I love you, too.
I love you.
J' We need to find a way... J'
Could you cover my butt with my shirt?
- I think Nancy's staring at it. - Yeah, sure.
J' We need to find a way... J'
Please cover my ass.
Thank you for coming. Thank you.
Hey.
Rodney.
- Congratulations. - Oh, thank you, sir.
So you really got the promotion this time, right?
Yes. Yes, I did.
I promise, this time I really got the promotion.
( laughing )
( Rodney grunts )
- I'm proud of you, son. - Thank you, sir.
( Chuckles )
Excuse me.
Hi, sweetheart.
Jesus, he is an animal-- your father.
Wow. Please hold me.
Jane: ...have you in the Treadline family.
Mr. Casey, I think you're gonna be very pleased with our product.
Closed another one.
Oh. Oh.
Man: it's gonna be hard to keep up with you, Jane.
- Hi, hi. - Hey, coffee bitch.
- Oh, you know it. Sorry I'm late. - What've you got?
The guy at the coffee place is a real pain in the ass.
As fast as I could. I don't know if he gave me a sleeve. it's pretty hot.
Rodney: Yes, absolutely.
Mike and I plan on paying a personal visit to every store we sell to.
Well, that's how we roll.
Yeah-- no, things have changed quite a bit around here.
No, no, no, no.
Mike and I are running the sales department now.
Hi, Rodney, did you get a chance to look at these--?
Yes.
Jesus titties fucking Christ.
Yeah, he was a douchebag.
I could not agree with you more.
What's that?
No, we couldn't fire Kenny,
so we put him in charge of advertising.
( Horns honking )
Hey, Treadline tires, everybody.
Give me a honk if you like Treadline.
Yeah.
( Dog barking )
That's right. Dogs love Treadline, too.
Treadline tires! Yeah!
Jesus. Jesus. Oh.
- Treadline tires. - Boy: You're an idiot!
Ken: I do this for a living!
J* Today I told a lie that's worth believing J'
J* Today I'll just be happy for no reason J*
I I'm still waiting on the perfect drug J'
J* I feel really, I feel really numb J'
J* Hello to my dreams that gives J'
J* Me wings where I have shoulders J'
J* We go so good together I
J' Call Mom and tell her I've fallen in love J'
J' I've fallen in love J'
J' I've fallen in love J*
J' Today I found a lie that's worth telling J'
J' Today I'll just act pissed off for no reason J'
I I'm still waiting on the perfect drug J'
J* I feel really, I feel really numb J'
J* Hello to my dreams that gives J'
J* Me wings where I have shoulders J'
J* We go so good together I
J' Call Mom and tell her I've fallen in love J'
J' I've fallen in love J'
J' I've fallen in love J*
J* Fallen in love J'
J* Hello to my dreams that gives J'
J* Me wings where I have shoulders J'
J* We go so good together I
J' Call Mom and tell her I've fallen in love J'
J' I've fallen in love J'
J' I've fallen in love J*
J' I've fallen in love. J'