(THEME SONG PLAYING)
You're gonna be a beautiful bride, Topanga.
Thanks, Mom. I just want everything to be so perfect for Cory.
I love him so much.
This whole day is just full of love!
I hate him!
He's a self-centered, whining, demanding, miserable little white boy.
What happened, my brother?
"Get the tuxedos, pumice my toes,
"tie the cans to the car!"
I'm his best man, not his hamster!
But you got the tuxes, right?
You two deserve each other.
Um, Shawn, what is really bothering you?
Cory is really bothering me!
I don't know what I ever saw in him.
Shawn... (LAUGHS)
See, this is my wedding day,
and I would really appreciate it if there wasn't any tension.
I don't care. If somebody abuses me, I lash out.
Nobody is abusing anybody!
This is my wedding day. How dare you?
Ah. Could somebody help me out here, please?
No, see, the best man cannot hate the groom.
No, you're gonna ruin my wedding pictures.
Honey, you're killing him.
Dad! I'm comin', Dad!
Topanga, if he dies, then the best man is Eric.
Then we don't want him to die. No. No, we don't.
(GASPING) You okay? Okay. Good boy.
They're both psycho.
How can there be anything wrong between you and Cory?
You love him more than I do.
It's true, but I'm okay with it.
What's goin' on?
Our entire friendship has always been about him.
How does Cory feel? What is Cory thinking?
Come on, Shawn, what's this really about?
You know...
You think on his wedding day he'd realize how hard this is for me.
Where's my best man?
Don't know. ERIC: Should've picked me!
Wait a minute. He's not here yet? Should've picked me!
What's his problem? I'm getting married in four hours!
Okay, you know what? I think it's time for the older brother
to give the younger brother the pre-wedding sex talk, okay?
Oh, goody.
You? I'm gettin' advice from you?
Take notes, Mommy. Eric Matthews is givin' lessons in human boinging.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
All right, lesson one. Sex without love is empty and hollow.
And that's just the way we men like it! Huh!
Eric, you're completely missing the beauty of human sexuality.
It's not just a physical act,
it's the intimacy between two people sharing their souls.
Maybe for old people.
You know, you're all crazy.
I can't believe Shawn! I can't believe he's not here yet!
I mean, what is so hard about remembering the tuxedos,
the wedding cake and the rings?
Fire Shawn. You know you want to.
Come on, give me the job! I'm your brother.
We both came out of our daddy's womb!
Cory, you and Shawn are best friends,
and you're going to stay best friends.
Are we? What?
Because where is my best friend with the tuxedos?
Why is my best friend trying to sabotage my wedding day?
Now I'm sabotaging your wedding day?
Where are the tuxedos? I don't have them yet.
What do you mean, you don't have them yet?
I've been outside tying tin cans to the Volvo for the last hour.
My fingers are bleeding.
We don't have a Volvo. What?
We don't have a Volvo. We have a Chevy.
Well, who has a Volvo?
Who's been tying cans to my car?
He did.
This is too much pressure.
Shawn, what's the matter, buddy? I mean, you're really letting me down here.
Cory, has it occurred to you even a little bit that,
as far as you and me go, today is the last day that we're ever gonna be
"Cory and Shawn"?
You know? "Shawn and Cory"?
Beans? You picked beans?
What's the matter with beans?
Beans are not a wedding can! Why not?
Because beans do not say "eternal love and happiness!"
I know what they say!
Cory, I'm tryin' to talk to you about something.
I don't wanna talk about it now. Why not?
Did you pick up the honeymoon tickets from the travel agent?
What's the matter with you?
Hey, hey! Guys! No, no, no. Dad, please!
I just want a guy
who can pick up the tuxedos and tie some cans together.
I just wanna talk to you about this.
Shawn! I just want a competent best man!
Then get a new one!
What did you say? I said, get a new best man!
(EXCLAIMS)
Cory, what I think we've got here
is a best man who's folded under the pressure.
Don't worry about it.
I'll pick up the tuxedos. I'll tie the cans to the Subaru.
It's all taken care of.
You can be an usher.
I don't wanna be an usher.
What, do you wanna walk my Nana Boo Boo down the aisle?
I don't wanna walk Nana Boo Boo anywhere.
What do you wanna do, Shawn?
I don't wanna do anything.
You don't wanna do anything at my wedding?
No, I'm not going to your wedding!
Fine! Then don't go!
All right, all right. I just spoke to Shawn,
and I'm sure he'll forgive you if you just, you know,
give him a call.
Shawn can kiss my groom tuchas in hell!
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the best best man of all?
(IN CARTOONISH VOICE) You are, Eric. You are.
Hey, moron, where are the tuxedos?
Oh, in the limo, baby.
What limo, baby?
The limo that's taking us all to Cory's wedding.
You don't actually think I'd let him get married in this dump, do you?
Eric, what did you do? Ooh, no time, Mom. We're on a schedule.
Okay, the girls are already on their way, so we gotta move, people.
We gotta move, people! Move, people!
Nice legs, Feeny.
Tell Shawn my new best man just got me a limo.
Before or after the "groom tuchas in hell"? You decide.
Is this gonna be very, very bad?
Mmm... We'll see.
Eric, this is the Philadelphia Victorian Hotel!
Very nice!
This is an Eric thing!
This is an Eric thing?
I'm not payin' for this.
You never made any real money, did you, Dad?
No, but I had you, so I'm twice cursed.
Eric, what is the deal here?
Look, the deal is this is the most important day in my little brother's life,
and I came through, okay?
So either you can have a great time,
or you can be all cynical and think something fishy is going on.
Is everything to your satisfaction, Mr. Peterman?
Indeed it is...
Mr. Peterman.
You let us know if you need anything,
Mr. Peterman.
Okay. Go away now. Go, go away.
Bye.
(CHUCKLING)
Why you all lookin' at me?
Do you think anything's gonna change between us after I get married?
No. Nothing is gonna change.
Just because you're moving out, and you're setting up house,
and you're gonna be with Cory all the time,
and maybe have kids someday...
Gosh, I am never gonna see you again, am I?
Ohh. Ohh.
Do you want me to call it off?
I want you to be happy.
I want you to be happy, too.
I want you to be happy three!
You're getting married today!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
You are very hot.
(WHISPERS) Thanks.
Hey, ring boy,
where are the rings?
That's your job, slick. I'm just here to look cute.
(LAUGHING) It's okay, don't worry about it.
You forgot the rings, didn't you?
Yes, but I remembered my underwear!
Okay. No, I didn't!
(WEDDING MARCH BEGINS)
Be good to each other.
We've waited for this moment all our lives.
What are you thinking?
I can't believe Shawn's not here.
I love you, too.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today
to witness the wedding of Myra and Harold.
Just keep goin'. Just keep goin'.
And now, a song from the mother of the groom,
Mrs. Florence Peterman.
I think that's you.
(PLAYING INTRODUCTION)
(SINGING I LOVE YOU TRULY)
Hey, you're gonna need these rings.
Shawnie! I knew you'd come.
I wouldn't miss this, Cory.
Look, I am so sorry for all the stuff that happened.
Well, you should be, but we'll talk about it
after you get back from the honeymoon, okay?
Wait a minute.
What do you mean, I should be?
Cory, you've been being a jerk to me.
That's because you're the one that forgot the tuxedos,
and you're the one that didn't tie the tin cans.
It's like you're trying to sabotage my wedding day!
That is ridiculous!
If I wanted to sabotage your wedding day,
I'd do this.
(CORY LAUGHS)
Boy, oh, boy.
You, uh... You do not wanna do that.
Get him, Topanga!
You know what?
I shouldn't have even come here. Have a wonderful life, jerk.
You, too, trailer trash!
(LAUGHING) Shawn's poor!
(MUSIC AND SINGING STOP)
(CORY AND SHAWN SCREAMING)
ALAN: Hey, hey, hey!
This is my wedding day!
I've waited my whole...
You're doing a great job. Just try not to use the word "Peterman" anymore, all right?
He doesn't care that we're not gonna be friends anymore!
Why do you keep sayin' that, huh?
Why do you have to keep bringing that up?
Because you won't talk about it!
I don't wanna talk about it!
Why do you think I've been sending you everywhere?
We have to talk about it!
I don't want to!
We have to!
Now?
Cory.
After you get married, things are gonna be different,
and I don't have a lot of friends, you know?
Shawnie, I... I don't know what's gonna happen.
What do you want me to do?
I don't know.
Do you really like her?
Yeah, I really do.
You sure?
Shawn,
I really think I've been very tolerant here.
Okay.
Marry her.
You're giving me your blessing?
Yeah, well...
We gotta grow up sometime.
I wasn't sure this day would ever come,
but you were.
I wasn't sure that love could survive everything that we put it through,
but you were.
You were always strong and always sure.
And now I know that I want you to stand beside me for the rest of my life.
That's what I'm sure of.
I have to talk to her now, okay?
Go ahead. Okay.
Um...
Ever since I was young,
I never really understood anything about the world,
and I never understood anything that happened in my life.
The only thing
that ever made sense to me was you
and how I felt about you.
That's all I've ever known
and that's enough.
That's enough for me for the rest of my life, Topanga.
We gonna get married?
Yeah, we are.
Good. Good, 'cause...
(SNIFFLES) Um... I have these rings.
I love you, Topanga.
I love you, too, Cory.
MINISTER: Do you take this man
to be your lawfully wedded husband,
to have and to hold, to cherish and adore,
from this day forward,
in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?
I do.
And do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife,
to have and to hold, to cherish and adore,
from this day forward,
in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?
I do.
Then by the power vested in me
by the commonwealth of Pennsylvania,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride. (LAUGHS)
Ladies and gentlemen,
family and friends,
I present to you, for the first time ever,
Mr. and Mrs. Harold Peterman.
It's okay! All right, Harold!
Maybe we could go somewhere later.
Mr. Feeny, help.
Scram, zippy.
This was an amazing wedding.
It's fabulous.
How could Eric have pulled this thing off?
That's the first thing I'll ask him when I visit him in Attica.
Excuse me. May we cut in?
Yes.
Cory, I'm so proud of you.
Thank you, Mama.
And even though you're a married man now,
you are still our little boy, and we love you very much.
And when he makes you nuts, you call me. Hmm?
Thanks... Dad.
(GLASSES CLINKING)
I'd like to propose a toast.
(SIGHS) This is for Harold and Myra.
(CHUCKLES) What's up with that, Eric?
Nothin'. Just talk fast, all right?
Well, there is something I'd like to say.
I may not be the best man, but I am the best friend.
Cory and I have been best friends all our lives.
And, um,
this wedding's been kind of hard for me
because I know, no matter how much we may avoid talking about it,
Cory and I aren't gonna be best friends forever.
Things are changing between us.
Things have always been changing.
We've had to deal with life
and death.
And Feeny.
But no matter what we faced, we always faced it together.
So, then, how can we possibly be upset with each other on his wedding day?
Well,
it's because deep down, I think Cory and I both know
that we're not gonna be best friends anymore.
And that's the way it should be.
So this is to Topanga,
Cory's wife
and new best friend.
Take care of him, okay?
(CRYING) I will.
And when he makes you nuts, call me.
I will.
To Cory and Topanga!
ALL: Cory and Topanga!
And now, I would like to give my gift
to my little brother and new sister-in-law.
Eric, this wedding was more than enough.
Yeah, it was, wasn't it?
But I do have one more thing up my sleeve.
I hold in my hand a key.
A key to the honeymoon suite
of the Philadelphia Victoria Hotel.
So that after this...
Bye! Whoo!
All right!
All right. All right, Eric.
You spill it right now.
Yeah, how could you possibly arrange all this?
Oh, it was child's play.
I'm pickin' up the tuxes, right? Right.
And I see next door that they're settin' up for this hoity-toity Peterman wedding.
Wait a minute, the disposable diaper Petermans?
Yeah, them Petermans.
Their wedding is the social event of the year.
Yeah, well, now it's not.
What did you do?
Nothin'. I just went out to the pay phone
and I called the operator,
and she said, "What hotel?" And I told her.
And while she was gettin' the number, I looked down at the receiver
and there was some kind of schmutz on it.
I'm not sure if it was dried vomit or gum.
It tasted more like gum...
Get on with it!
I told them that I was E.J. Peterman, and I had to get my daughter married
sooner because she was pregnant.
(CHUCKLES)
So drink up, guys!
'Cause it's gonna hit the fan in about, like, two seconds.
What kind of unbelievable hotel moron would fall for something that stupid?
Mmm...
Him.
(IN FOREIGN ACCENT) Is everything quite satisfactory, Mr. Peterman?
Oh, quite, quite.
You run a tight ship here, young fellow, and you're a good-looking man. I hope...
MAN: What the hell is going on here?
Uh-oh.
I'm E.J. Peterman.
Party's over, isn't it?
And I demand to know just what the hell is going on here!
Oh yeah, it's over.
(WHISTLES LOUDLY) Run like hell!
Mr. Peterman, there was a wedding...
I know there was a wedding, but it was not my wedding!
Someone come in and they get married!
They say "I do" with the ring... I don't care who was married!
It's my daughter I paid for...
You come in at me all... Oh, don't put the hands!
Put the hands down!
Don't even start with me with that ascot. Who dress you?
I'm gonna get a heart attack here!
You have a heart attack? You go ahead and have a heart attack!
I not even pick up after you!
I not even pick up after you! Where's the manager here?
I demand to see the manager!
You go see the manager.
He's a little, skimpy guy who never tips!