呃 这是干什么 Uhm... what's happening right now?
Max 你在吸毒吗 Max, are you smoking crack?
这不是毒品 是支口红 我可买不起毒品 It's not crack. It's lipstick. I can't afford crack.
这支好口红就要用完了可我买不起新的 I'm at the end of my good lipstick and I can't afford
所以我得来绝命毒师那一套 to buy a new one so I'm going all Breaking Bad.
绝命毒师 "Breaking Bad"?
我们比较像破产苦逼 We're more like broke and sad.
你得加热精炼最后一点口红 而我 You're freebasing lipstick and look,
我的鞋跟都开始脱落了 this heel is starting to wobble.
来吧 把这个塞进去 握住它 Here, stick this in and hold it.
我觉得我好像说过这话 I swear I've said that before,
不过那次跟鞋子没关系(黄暴了) but I don't think it was about shoes.
嘿 娃娃脸 我都等了十分钟了 Yo, dollface. It's been ten minutes!
他点了杂烩浓汤 我点了意面 吃的在哪儿 His chowder, my spaghetti. Where's the food?
吃的在哪儿 "Where's the food"?
那你的脖子在哪儿 Where's your neck?
我没在听 我在看你的胸 I wasn't listening. I was looking at your boobs.
我费了不少功夫 可还是没法让胸长到 Well, I do what I can but they'll never be
你那么大 as big as yours.
上菜了 肉丸意面 Pick up. Meatball.
辣妹 我的热面在哪 Hey, hot stuff. Where's the hot stuff?
喔 Max 你是对的 Oh, Max. You were right.
现在鞋跟就稳 不 This heel is much more--no.
不 不要这样 No, wait! No, it's not.
我要 It's gonna--
这是他们打了类固醇之后 Those are the biggest balls those guys have had
两腿之间有的最大的肉丸了 in their laps since they started steroids.
== 破产姐妹 第二季 第5集 == 【H-SGDK】字幕组倾情奉献
== 翻译：丁丁 酸酸 可可 Imogen 统筹：瑶小瑶 ==
== 校对：丁丁 Imogen 后期&压制：忘枫 ==
本字幕仅用于交流 学习之用 禁止用于任何商业用途 否则后果自负
真不敢相信你用胶带把鞋捆在了腿上 I can't believe you masking taped the shoe to your leg.
我也不想 但这是Christian Louboutins牌的 I know but these are Christian Louboutins and
就算变成这样了 它们还是有着经典的红底 even all busted up like this they still have the classic red bottoms.
你知道还有什么东西有红底吗(bottom也指臀部) You know what else has red bottoms?
狒狒 Baboons.
有本事你穿一双狒狒走来走去 Walk around with a couple of them on your feet
我就承认你厉害 and I'm impressed.
好吧 至少不用看到你鞋上那些蠢蝴蝶结了 Well, at least now you can't see those stupid bows.
谁会在鞋子上放蝴蝶结 是为了装饰什么礼物 Who put bows on their shoes? What's the gift?
你的臭脚吗 Your stinky feet?
你以为我喜欢这些蝴蝶结吗 You don't think I hate the bows?
我一年前一时冲动买了这双 I bought these as an impulse purchase over a year ago.
谁知道我得和它们拴在一起一辈子 I didn't know I'd be shackled with them for eternity.
噢 Caroline Oh, Caroline.
我以前不知道你有畸形足 I never noticed you had a club foot.
要不我就把你介绍给我兄弟了 I would have set you up with my brother.
我在餐馆把鞋弄坏了 I broke my shoe in the diner.
我可以帮你 Oh, I can help.
我包里总装着一双健身用的鞋 I always carry my gym shoes in my bag.
抱歉这双看起来比较保守 I'm sorry they're so conservative
不过健身房里可都是肌肉男啊 but the weight room is a real meat rack.
Sophie 你真好 Sophie, that's so sweet of you.
不过我自己还有一双鞋能穿 But I still have one pair of my own shoes to wear.
没事 为了防万一你还是拿着吧 Oh, well take them just in case.
你应该收下 You should take them.
上班路上你都能赚到20美元(穿了像脱衣舞娘) You'll make $20 just walking to work.
你们的信错混到我这儿了 And some of your mail got mixed in with mine.
这都是那个邮差第三次送错了 This is like the third time that mail lady did that.
好了 晚安安哦 All right. Nighty night.
Max 你不会相信什么寄到你这来了 Max, you will not believe what just came addressed to you.
我得说 我可不是山达基教徒(科学论派) Let me explain. I'm not a scientologist.
我只去过一次 因为我听说 I just went that one time because I heard
有富豪想找个老婆 some rich guy was looking for a wife.
不是 我们有了张被预先核准的信用卡 No, we've been pre-approved for a credit card.
什么 What?
我们居然能得到核准 How the hell did we get pre-approved?
这上面说我们只需要上网申请 It says all we have to do is go online and apply
然后两分钟就能马上获得通过 and we can be approved in under two minutes.
冷静 钟楼怪人 我可不能申请信用卡 Slow down, Quasimodo. I can't have a credit card.
有人给过我一包趣多多饼干 Someone gave me a bag of Chips Ahoy! Cookies once
然后我一口气全部吃完了 不带喘气儿的 and I ate the entire thing without breathing.
你已经不是孩子了 Well, you're not a child any more.
你能约束自己 You have more discipline.
就是昨天发生的事 The cookies were yesterday.
那是什么 那个旋转的圈圈 Okay, what is that thing? What is that spinning wheel?
这只是在处理我们的申请 It's just processing our application.
才不是 No, it's not.
它是在检查我们所有的信息 It's finding out everything about us.
现在它发现了你爸的巨额诈骗案 Now it's finding out your dad stole millions of dollars.
现在它又发现了我被八家DQ辞退了 Now it's finding out I got fired from eight Dairy Queens.
现在它又会发现我被DQ辞退的原因 Now it's finding out why I got fired from eight Dairy Queens.
噢 天啊 Max 我们获得了批准 Oh, my God. Max, we're approved.
我们被批准了 We've just been approved.
什么 他们有什么毛病 难道DQ没举报我咩 What? What is wrong with them? Does Dairy Queen report nothing?
快退回去然后驳回我们的申请 Get back on there and disapprove us.
好了 冷静 Okay. Calm down.
我们的事业需要这张卡 We need this card for our business.
我们唯一要做的就是跟对方商量 All we have to do is communicate with each other
每一单购买 好吗 about every purchase, you know?
开诚布公 Keep an open dialogue.
那么 开诚布公地说 为了我们的事业 So, opening dialogue. For our business,
我得买一双Louboutins I would like a pair of Louboutins.
开诚布公地说 不行 Opening dialogue. No.
而且我觉得打手势蠢毙了 我讨厌哑剧 And I felt stupid miming that. I hate the arts.
听着 你不能想买什么就买什么 Look, you can't get everything you want.
我还想买一盒蜥蜴呢 I would like a box of lizards.
我一直都很喜欢蜥蜴 Love lizards, always have,
但我可没有刷卡买蜥蜴 but you don't see me putting that on a credit card.
我需要一双新鞋来参加商务会议 I need a new pair of shoes for business meetings.
俗话说得好 You know what they say,
不要为你的现职 而要为你的梦想而穿衣 "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have".
够了 好吧 Okay, fine.
如果你要买鞋的话 那我也要买我想要的东西 If you're getting the shoes, then I'm getting what I want.
希望你会喜欢 I hope you're happy with an apartment
公寓里塞满蜥蜴和口红 full of lizards and lipstick.
还有 其中一些蜥蜴会擦着口红 Also, some of those lizards will be wearing lipstick.
Earl 你今晚看上去真是特别帅气 Earl, you are looking particularly gorgeous this evening.
好吧 我本会说 "别拍我马屁" Well, I would say, "Don't flatter me"
但是不得不承认 but let's face it.
我今晚就是那么有腔调 Everything came together tonight.
是因为另一个女人吗 我应该满腔怒火吗 Is it another woman? Should I be filled with anger?
我是说 比我平时更怒一点 I mean, more than I usually am?
我只是想在我儿子来时看上去体面一些 I just want to look nice for my son when he comes in.
啥 不会吧 我要见到你的孩子了 What? No way, I'm going to meet your kid?
其中一个 Well, one of them.
其中一个 你有多少个 "One of them"? How many do you have?
目前为止吗 So far?
噢 Earl 爱死你了 Oh, Earl, I love you.
这是我儿子 Darius This is my son, Darius.
他是底特律克莱斯勒汽车的头牌销售 He's the number one Chrysler salesman
也是我最爱的孩子 in all of Detroit, and he's my very favorite,
如果他是我想的那一个的话 if he's the one I'm thinking of.
打扰了 你是Max私房蛋糕的Max吗 Excuse me, but aren't you Max of Max's Homemade Cupcakes?
Earl 你看 Earl, look.
我们的信用卡今天寄到了 Our credit card came in the mail today.
看到没 Max Black See? "Max Black".
不用再用我在Six Flags乐园里捡到的卡了 No more using the card I found at Six Flags.
感谢你从来不查你的账目清单 Agnes Chin(Max捡到的卡主) Thank you for never checking your statement, Agnes Chin.
姑娘们 听我一句劝 Girls, take my advice
要小心用那东西啊 and be very careful with that thing.
信用卡比Wiggles(幼儿向节目)音乐会上的牧师更麻烦 Credit cards are more trouble than a priest at a Wiggles concert.
知道了 Earl Yes, Earl.
我不敢相信 一张办公用的信用卡 I can't believe it. A credit card for our business.
咱们什么时候去买鞋和蜥蜴 So when are we getting the shoes and lizards?
Max 记住 Max, remember.
这件事上我们必须成熟一点 We have to be grown-ups about this.
当然了 Of course.
请给我两只蜥蜴 等等 要三只吧 "Two lizards, please. No, make it three."
嗨 我在找Earl Hi, I'm looking for Earl.
我不是来还那袋臭了的大麻的 And no, I'm not here to return a bag of skunky weed.
哦 天哪 见到你太开心了 Oh, my God. I'm so excited to see you.
快进来 我会把你照顾的很周到 很周到的 Come on in, I'll take really, really good care of you.
噢 你要知道我刚刚和我老婆分开了 Oh, you need to know I just separated from my wife,
所以我的情感有点脆弱 so I'm a little vulnerable.
她一般不对客人这么好的 She's not usually this nice to customers.
她只是太兴奋了 She's just excited.
她就要养蜥蜴了(那啥蜥蜴了) She's about to come into some lizards.
好吧 还是那句话 Yeah, again.
我很久没有约会了 I've been out the dating pool for a while,
所以我听着每句话都像性暗示 so everything sound like a sexual innuendo to me.
他不是个客人 你看看他 He is not a customer. Look at him.
你没看到相似之处吗 Don't you see the resemblance?
呃 我的天难道他是你老爸 Oh, my God is he your father?
没错 他是我老爸 Yes. He's my father.
我妈是一只粉笔(那也生不出Max那么白) And my mother is a piece of chalk.
爹呀 Daddy!
谢天谢地 是我想的那一个 Thank God, it is the one I thought.
儿子喂 There's my little boy!
那么 Darius Earl做爸爸是什么样子的 So, Darius, what was Earl like as a dad?
那肯定很棒 是不 It must have been great, huh?
我打赌他做的便当是最酷的 I bet he packed the coolest lunches.
一卷大麻烟 一瓶杜松子酒和果汁盒子 A joint for recess, and a gin and juice box.
噢 是的 没错 他是个好爸爸 Oh, yeah, yeah. He was a great dad.
我是说他总是陪在我身边 除了我的童年 I mean, he was always there. Except for my childhood.
怎么能不笑 You've gotta laugh!
Earl就坐在那儿呢 Earl is sitting right there.
好吧 开玩笑而已 别那么紧张 三头身 Well, it's a joke. Take it easy there, fun size.
Han 无意冒犯 Han, take no offense.
他只是在小耍耍你罢了 He's just pulling your leg a little.
Darius一直很幽默 Darius has always been funny.
为什么我想到了Terrence Why am I thinking about Terrence?
我不知道 我就是搞笑的那个 爹 I don't know. I'm the funny one, Dad.
我不记得我们家有叫Terrence的 I don't recall there being a Terrence in our family,
不过还是那句话 我不知道你的种子撒的有多远 but then again, I don't know how far you've thrown your seed.
怎么能不笑 You've gotta laugh.
你确定 Do you?
Darius在克莱斯勒经销商 Darius was voted the funniest salesmanip.
被选为最搞笑的销售员 at the Chrysler dealership.
没错 那就是我为什么辞了工作 Yes, I was. And that's why I quit my job.
追求梦想成为一名谐星 To pursue my dream to become a comedian.
看到没 看到没 他很搞笑 See? See, he's funny.
总是说笑话 Always making jokes.
老爸 那不是笑话 That's not a joke, Daddy.
不 不 那是我在城里的原因 No, no, that's why I'm in town.
在明晚的喜剧俱乐部试演 To audition at the comedy club tomorrow night.
我连艺名都取好了 I already got my stage name.
滑稽的Darius(押韵) "Darius The Hilarious".
选的不错吧 是不 I think it's a good choice, right?
你确定 Is it?
好吧 很明显 大D 我们都会去支持你的 Well, obviously, Big D, we will all be there to support you.
我们确定 Will we?
等等 Darius 这都是怎么发生的 Hold up, Darius. How did all of this happen?
我在凯迪拉克那儿认识了个人 Well, I mean, I knew a guy at Cadillac
那人认识一个丰田代理 丰田代理认识一个斯巴鲁代理 who knew a guy at Toyota who knew a guy at Subaru
那个斯巴鲁代理卖给俱乐部老板一部道奇车 who sold the club owner a Dodge.
然后老板开着道奇撞了个孩子 And then he hit a kid with it.
那孩子本来应该躲开的(多义词) The kid should have dodged.
怎么能不笑 You gotta laugh!
有个孩子在混乱中丧生了 我们还得笑 There's a dead kid in the mix and we got to laugh?
他不幽默不能怪他 It's not his fault he's not funny.
我们把他的幽默感放在了高架子上 他够不着 We put his sense of humor on a high shelf.
嘿 Max 你知道吗 Hey, Max, you know,
老爸总是告诉我你很特别 Daddy always told me you were special,
现在我明白了 and now I see it.
不是因为我说什么你都觉得好笑 And it's not just because you think everything I say is funny.
而是你感觉像一家人 You feel like family.
是吗 我总是想要个兄弟 I do? Oh, I always wanted a brother...
还是个黑人兄弟(多义) Who was a brother.
Max 你是想我一个人把今晚所有的客人都照顾到吗 Max, do you expect me to wait on all the tables tonight?
我现在正沉浸在 Well, I am kind of in the middle of
家庭团聚的氛围里 my family reunion right now.
还有滑稽先生的汤在哪儿呢 And where is Mr. Hilarious' soup?
看这个金发妞儿 她的样子好像在说 Look at blondie, here. She's like,
天啊 黑人还要喝汤啊 "Oh my God, do black people even eat soup?"
就像是 随便啦 "It's like, whatever."
那完全就是Caroline嘛 That is a dead-on Caroline.
你确定 Is it?
这些单子是今晚收到的 Here is your order ticket from tonight.
这堆单子是发现头发的客人 This pile is for the people who found hair.
这是那些人找到的头发 These are the hairs that the people found.
噢 你听起来像是俄国人 Oh, you sound Russian.
这很有意思 因为你没赶紧(谐音)去帮我做汤啊 That's funny because you're not rushin' to make my soup.
没有 没有 我跟你开玩笑的 兄弟 No, no, no, no. I'm kidding you, man.
我懂的 你只是在厨房太忙了 I get it. You're just too busy back there
忙得忘了喷除臭剂 not putting on deodorant.
怎么能不笑 You gotta laugh.
你确定 Do you?
Max 可能是我有点神经质 Max, I might be crazy but now I feel like
但是我觉得这鞋跟有点 the heel of this shoe's starting to--
噢 天啊 我得去擦下这个了 Oh, gosh. Now I got to go wipe this down.
我本来打算穿着这个去试演的 You know, I was going to wear this for my audition.
那应该很不错的 And that's gotta go well.
必须不错 因为 儿子啊 Yes, it does. Because son,
你在底特律只有两份工作 而你刚辞了一份(底特律就业率低下) there are two jobs in Detroit, and you just quit one of them.
别着急 老爸 我会让你骄傲的 Don't worry, Daddy. I'll make you proud.
好吧 你会看到的 All right? You'll see.
老爸之前也错了 Daddy's been wrong before.
他认为我没法在灵魂列车(黑人歌舞秀)上表演 He didn't think I could make it on Soul Train,
但是我做到了 but there I was,
在灵魂列车的左边角落 in the bottom left corner on Soul Train.
我很不好受 I feel so terrible.
没事 我们给他买件新衬衫就好 Well, you know we have to buy him a new shirt.
Max 这一会儿我才赚到7美元 Max, I've made seven dollars so far.
我们没钱给他买衣服 We can't afford to buy him a shirt.
我们可以给他买件便宜的衣服 We can go shopping for a reasonable shirt.
必须的 他是的家里人啊 We have to. He's family.
你确定 Is he?
而且我不得不说下 我欣赏不了他的贬低式幽默 And I have to say, I don't like that brand of put-down humor.
还有他对金发妞儿的成见 And that blonde stereotype?
我根本没说过 随便啦 这个词 I mean, I don't even say "Whatever".
但是 你懂的 算了 随便啦 But, you know, it's fine. Whatever.
Max 走慢点 Max, slow down.
穿着Sophie的巨型运动鞋我走不快 I can't walk any faster in Sophie's giant sneakers.
我不能相信她一百多公斤的体重压在这上 I can't believe she benches 250 in these.
天啊 Oh, my God.
我的手刚才摸到了地铁地面了 My hand just touched the subway floor.
我怎么知道这儿没人撒过尿呢 How do I know someone didn't pee here?
噢 甜心儿 我在这儿尿过 Oh, honey, I've peed here.
这儿是纽约 是尿建成的 This is New York. It's made of pee.
还有 你自己拒绝穿平底鞋 所以才会满手尿 And pee hand is what you get for refusing to wear flat shoes.
这没门 No way.
我住的已经离贫民窟那么近 I'm living so close to the gutter as it is.
我不能再矮了 I can't risk being any shorter.
这就是我们和Darius约好的地方 Here's where we're meeting Darius.
地铁风采 "Subway Style".
每次我走到这儿都不由得想 Every time I walk by this place I wonder
谁会在这儿买东西 "Who would ever shop here?"
现在我知道了 我们 Now I know--us.
先是我的鞋跟断了 First my heel breaks,
然后现在我得在地下商场买东西 and now I'm shopping underground.
我还能到多低 How much lower can I get?
在地核吃早午餐 Brunch on the earth's core?
嗯 噢 不好意思我满嘴吃的 Mmm, oh. Excuse my mouthful.
我没期望有女士光临 Mm, I wasn't expecting ladies.
我们这儿通常只有皮条客和牧师光临 We usually just sell to pimps and pastors.
美女们 有什么可以帮你们的 What can I help you dolls with?
实际上 我们只是在这儿见个朋友而已 Actually, we're just here meeting a friend.
我们要帮他选件衬衫 We're going to help him pick out a shirt.
噢 那个家伙吗 Oh, that guy?
他已经在试衣间 正试着一件了 He's already in the dressing room trying one on now.
听着 如果觉得价格太高 Now, listen, if the price is too high,
你和我可以 呃 协商下 you and I can, uh, negotiate.
你也成 Or you.
我还是不敢相信我们要用我们自己的小费 I still can't believe we're using our tip money
给他买件衬衫 to buy him a shirt.
我们只需花40元 We're only going to spend like $40.
而且你也听那人讲了 价格还能低 And you heard the man. It can go down.
如果你跪下(口那啥) If you go down.
姑娘们 你们来啦 Oh, hey ladies. There you are.
看看 我小小变了下风格 Look, I switched it up a little bit.
穿粉红色怎么样 Do you like me in pink?
我男朋友说不错(基佬笑话) My boyfriend does.
他说把我面颊映衬成了玫瑰色 四个都是(加屁股两个) He says it makes my cheeks look rosy, all four of them.
怎么能不笑 怎么能不笑 You gotta laugh, you gotta laugh!
Darius 我们是家人 所以我要实话实说 Darius, we're family, so I'm just going to tell you like it is.
你的选题都略神奇 That material feels a little funky.
这种笑话在丰田也许挺好 I mean, that kind of humor might have worked over at Toyota--
- 是克莱斯勒 - 随便啦 - It's Chrysler. - Whatever.
可这是在纽约 这有很多 But this is New York. There are a lot of people,
同性恋 或者金发 他们可能会觉得很冒犯 be them gays, or blondes, who might take offense to that.
虽然我没有 但 随便啦 I mean, I don't, but, whatever.
哦不不 这只是说笑的 Oh, no, no, no. I was just playing.
我晚上的表演才不会讲这些呢 That's not the kind of stuff I'm gonna do in my act tonight.
我在家和一个谐星朋友写了些真的段子 No, I wrote some real jokes with a comic back home.
他是犹太人 你都能想到会有多好笑了 And, he's Jewish, so you know it's gonna be funny.
还不低俗的 And not cheap.
又来了不是 就是这种的 Again, see? That's the kind of stuff...
Caroline 别介啊 越这样越好笑嘞 Caroline, come on. It's so wrong it's right.
我这里就有几个 Look, I have the jokes right here.
让咱先来个试驾看看效果 Let's take them on a little test drive and see how they do.
好不 退开点 姑娘们 All right? So back it up, ladies.
你们得留点笑地儿(谐音起居室) You going to need some laughing room.
这肯定会超好笑的 This is going to be hilarious.
有人买了精灵牌(义聪明)车吗 Anybody here have a Smart Car?
我可不觉得开半辆车很聪明啊 Because I don't think it's smart to drive half a car.
这是新的 我还得好好想想 That was new, I'll keep working on it.
再来试试别的 All right, let's try another one.
也许是我们退得不够远 You know what, maybe we weren't back far enough.
耶 Yeah!
这已经感觉很好笑了 是不Caroline Yeah, that feels funnier already, right Caroline?
好吧 All right.
你知道谁不开精灵车吗 You know who doesn't drive a Smart Car?
聪明的人 他们不开 Smart people. They don't do it.
怎么能不笑 You gotta laugh.
真的 Seriously.
这一定得好笑 我就指着它了 You've got to. I've got a lot riding on this.
我才想明白 I just got it.
救命 他死定了 Oh, my God. He stinks.
他会死了又死 Darius今晚要丢脸了 He stinks on ice. Darius is gonna bomb tonight
而且还得在Earl面前丢脸 and worse, he's going to bomb in front of Earl.
Earl还挺确信他就是他最骄傲的一个呢 And Earl's pretty sure that's the son he's most proud of.
你是对的 我们要怎么办 You're right. What are we gonna do?
我知道你们两位是来买衬衫的 Now I know you lovely ladies came in for a shirt,
但请让我为您推荐一套西装 but can I interest you in a nice suit?
这套真是经典 Look at this one. It's a classic.
地上都没有这个颜色 You can't get this color above ground.
这就是了 Darius需要一套西装 That's it. Darius needs a suit.
所有的专业谐星都穿西装 All the professional comedians wear suits,
你不是还说了吗 and like you said,
要为你的梦想而穿衣 you have to dress for the job you want.
段子烂成那样 And with jokes like that,
他一定得穿上这儿最搞笑的衣服 he needs the funniest suit they have.
你们有Sinbad(谐星)系列的衣服吗 Do you have anything from the Sinbad collection?
还真有 I do.
Max 我不认为这就够了 Max, I don't think the suit's gonna be enough.
还得加点什么 像 布偶 I think he needs something else, you know, like, a puppet.
布偶 A puppet?
你说的太特么对了 That's exactly what he needs.
昨儿我跟个男约会 I went out with a guy last night.
他问我们能不能AA制 Asked me if we could go Dutch.
我说 "行啊" I said, "I don't know."
"你找便宜婊子AA制吧" "What's Dutch for cheap-ass bitch?"
你正中他死穴啊 You kick him to the curb!
我们一会儿回来 We'll be right back,
老娘得歇歇脚了 because Mama's gotta go put her feet up.
服务员 Uh, miss?
一会儿有空再帮我们送一轮酒呗 Can we get another round when you get a chance?
再一轮 Another round?
我们倒下之前就不断地来吧 And keep them coming until we can no longer see.
帐记在卡上 Put it on my card.
哦了 You got it.
每次刷卡都感觉那么爽 Man, that feels good every time.
Max 别你为你请我喝酒 Hey, Max. Just because you're buying me drinks
我就会跟你滚床 doesn't mean I'm going to put out.
我的芹菜梗就是我舞台的麦克风 My celery stick is my microphone at the comedy club!
我来了 我来了 I'm here, I'm here.
你搞到布偶了吗 Did you get the puppet?
当然搞到了 Oh, I've got the puppet.
进来 Hey, come on in.
姑娘们 咋样 Hey, girls. How you doing?
滑稽的Darius准备好啦 Darius The Hilarious is pumped.
我把握十足啊 I'm totally in my zone right now.
而且穿着这西装不可能失败 And I can't miss in this suit.
好吧 Well...
Darius 我们有件事要跟你说 Darius, that's what we wanted to talk to you about.
- 你知道我们都是你的粉丝 - 超级 脑缠粉 - You know we're big fans. - Big, big fans.
你超棒 你的表演太牛逼了 You're amazing, your act's incredible.
你就是Darius 最滑稽的 Your Darius The Hilarious.
我们都很喜欢精灵车那段 Max and I love the Smart Car stuff.
那超好笑 就像你名字一样 It's hilarious, per your name.
但是 这是在纽约 But, well, it is New York.
不是很多人都聪明 或者有车 Not a lot of people are smart, or have cars.
这是纽约嘛 Yeah, you know New York.
又不失时尚前沿 Not exactly the cutting edge.
离开你之后 我们想到了个主意 So, after Max and I left you, we had a thought.
我们给你搞了个布偶 We got you a puppet.
是的 我是笑到不行 而且Caroline And, yes, I was stoned. But Caroline was laughing
也跟我一样 just as hard as me.
你们搞了个什么 You got me a what?
布偶 给你搞了个布偶 A puppet. We got you a puppet.
但我不用布偶 But I don't use a puppet.
直到你开始用 Until you do.
想象一下 在你表演的结束 Just imagine, at the end of your act
- 或者开头 - 或者全场 - or in the beginning... - Or all the way through.
女士们先生吗 滑稽的Darius Ladies and gentlemen, Darius The Hilarious
和他的搭档 海狸比伯(恶搞贾斯汀比伯) and his partner, Justin Beaver!
该死的 妹子 我意思是水坝(谐音) "Damn, girl. And I mean dam."
我建了一个哦 "As in, I built one."
你都不需要自己去搞笑 And you don't even have to be funny because
因为海狸比伯都替你搞定了 Justin Beaver does the work for you.
Max 做给他看 Show him, Max.
我是直男 "I'm straight".
怎么能不笑 You gotta laugh!
你确定 Do I?
我说 真的假的 I mean, honestly?
用海狸比伯的性取向做笑料 Making fun of Justin beaver's Sexuality?
我觉得这很冒犯人啊 I find that a tad offensive.
接下来是来自汽车之城的表演 This next act comes to us from the Motor City.
掌声欢迎 滑稽的Darius先生 Please give it up for Mr. Darius The Hilarious.
大家今晚开心吗 All right. How's everybody doing tonight?
有人买了精灵牌汽车吗 Who out there has a Smart Car?
我可觉得买个半辆车一点都不聪明 Because I don't think it's smart to drive a half a car.
怎么能不笑 You gotta laugh.
不行了 我的假笑用完了 Oh, no. I ran out of fake laughter.
没错 我说 精灵汽车 Yeah, I mean, Smart Car.
你们见过那玩意儿吗 Have you seen this thing?
就好像你坐在一个背包里开车兜风 It's like you driving around in a backpack.
怎么能不笑 You gotta laugh.
你确定 Do we?
为什么我们不让聪明的汽车来替你写点笑话呢 Why don't we have a Smart Car write some jokes for you?
好吧 我知道你为啥维护精灵车 Yeah, well, I can see why you would defend the Smart Car.
那是你的脚唯一能够到踏板的车 It's the only car your feet can reach the pedals in.
没错 太真相了 他太矮了 Yeah, but that's so true. He's very short!
就跟车一样高 排整齐了哦 As is the car. It all lines up.
看那个灰头发的大爷 伙计 Look at this gray-haired scrub, man.
很明显黑人听懂了 Apparently black do crack.
嘿 Don King打电话来(著名拳击经纪人) Hey, Don King called.
说他想要回他的头 Said he want his whole head back.
Max 你看呐 看Earl多自豪啊 Max, look. Look how proud Earl is.
嘿 嘿 嘿 金发妞儿 Hey, hey, hey, blondie.
你介意我说完再张嘴吗 You mind not talking until I finish?
等一下 你可能正在想 Wait, a minute. You're probably just thinking,
我的天呐 鞋 鞋 梳子 鞋 "Oh, my God. Shoes, shoes, hairbrush, shoes."
我的天呐 Oh, my God.
我刚才真的在想鞋 I actually was thinking about shoes!
不好意思 您的卡有点问题 I'm sorry, there's a problem with your card.
它被拒绝了 It's been declined.
Max Max.
Darius告诉我你为他做的事 太贴心了 Darius told me what you did and that was awful nice of you.
给你 我把你买那些衣服 Now, here. I am reimbursing you
和傻布偶的钱还给你 for all of the clothes and for that damn puppet.
虽然我发誓我永远不会为海狸买单 Although I swore I would never pay for beaver.
你有没有想过他会成功 Earl Do you think he'll ever make it, Earl?
如今的事儿谁说的准呢 Max Who's to say nowadays, Max?
美国有达人啊 这不是很确定的事嘛 America's Got Talent. Do they?
我只知道 他是我的孩子 你竭尽全力 All I know is he's my kid, and you went out of your way
去尝试 去帮助他 to try and help him.
我只是希望你能为他感到自豪 Well, I just wanted you to be proud.
的确 Max 很自豪 I am, Max. Very proud.
我刚才和信用卡中心谈过了 I just talked to Visa.
我觉得他们为自己让我们预通过而郁闷死了 I think they were disappointed they had pre-approved us.
看 我把它杀了 我必须那么做 Look, I killed it. I had to.
它怂恿我去买一部哈雷机车 It was telling me to buy a Harley.
好吧 开诚布公地说 Okay, open dialogue.
我昨天用信用卡还买了一样东西 I used the credit card for one more thing yesterday.
开诚布公地说 我也是 Open dialogue. So did I.
这是折扣店最好的口红了 It's the fanciest lipstick Payless had.
噢 给你 Aw. And here.
Max 袋子里不会是蜥蜴吧 Max, are there lizards in that bag?
我倒是想 I wish.
它们和新的一样 还把蝴蝶结拿掉了 They're as good as new and no bows.
Max 你哪儿找的鞋匠啊 Max, where'd you find a cobbler?
鞋匠 A cobbler?
我坐时光机找的 I took a time machine.
我本来要去刺杀希特勒的 I was supposed to kill Hitler,
不过我想你的鞋更重要一点 but I thought your shoes were more important.
好吧 让我们把你的卡咔嚓了 Okay, let's cut up your card.
我们应该留一张应对生意上的紧急事件 We should keep one for business emergencies.
我们只需要把它放在 We just have to have to put it someplace where
我们永远不会去拿的地方 we'll never be tempted to reach for it.
Oleg 能把这个放在你内裤里吗 Oleg, would you put this down your pants?
没问题 No problem.
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