1 00:00:49,353 --> 00:00:52,516 [Chattering] 2 00:00:52,589 --> 00:00:55,080 Give me some 3-O chromic, Mr. Kwang. 3 00:00:55,158 --> 00:00:57,524 - Yes, Doctor. - [Hawkeye Speaking Korean] 4 00:00:57,594 --> 00:01:00,358 [Mr. Kwang] You're welcome, sir. 5 00:01:00,430 --> 00:01:03,763 - I didn't ask for a Kelly clamp, Nurse! - But you did, sir. 6 00:01:03,834 --> 00:01:07,133 - Don't argue with the surgeon. - [Hawkeye] Everyone's a surgeon. 7 00:01:07,204 --> 00:01:09,502 I wouldn't let him cut the giblets out of a turkey. 8 00:01:09,573 --> 00:01:11,666 He'd probably give it cranberry complications. 9 00:01:13,944 --> 00:01:16,879 - Now the Kelly. - [Sarcastically] Yes, Doctor. 10 00:01:16,947 --> 00:01:20,474 Major, may I have a nurse to work with who isn't quite so smug? 11 00:01:20,550 --> 00:01:23,417 - I'll take over here, Baker. You're tired. - I'm perfectly fine. 12 00:01:23,487 --> 00:01:26,513 - I said you're tired. That's an order. - [Hawkeye] Get off her back. 13 00:01:26,590 --> 00:01:29,889 - She's my nurse. - I'll give you $500 for her. 14 00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:32,986 - Sold! - You report to my quarters. 15 00:01:33,063 --> 00:01:36,499 Major Burns will show you how to get there. 16 00:01:38,635 --> 00:01:40,694 Sir? 17 00:01:40,771 --> 00:01:43,638 Major Houlihan requests permission to see the colonel. 18 00:01:43,707 --> 00:01:47,108 Well, tell her I died of a hangover and didn't leave a forwarding address. 19 00:01:47,177 --> 00:01:51,511 - Yes, sir. - Colonel, I want a few words with you. 20 00:01:51,581 --> 00:01:53,674 I just hope I can hear you over the tom-toms. 21 00:01:53,750 --> 00:01:57,186 - I think you'll be able to hear me all right. - Here's some black coffee, sir. 22 00:01:57,254 --> 00:02:00,280 - God bless you, Radar. - Hope so, sir. 23 00:02:00,357 --> 00:02:02,587 - Colonel. - Radar, turn on the news. 24 00:02:02,659 --> 00:02:05,321 Maybe the war just ended, and I won't have to talk to her. 25 00:02:05,395 --> 00:02:08,990 Yes, sir. I'll get you that station right away. 26 00:02:12,235 --> 00:02:15,762 Colonel Blake, I wish to charge Lieutenant Janet Baker with insubordination... 27 00:02:15,839 --> 00:02:20,367 and I insist on your assurance that she will be given prompt and vigorous punishment. 28 00:02:20,444 --> 00:02:23,811 Major, there's a French unit right down the road. Why don't you run down there... 29 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:26,075 and see if you can borrow their guillotine? 30 00:02:26,149 --> 00:02:28,549 - Ha! - Don't do that. 31 00:02:28,618 --> 00:02:32,782 - I want her placed under bed arrest. - Bed what? 32 00:02:32,856 --> 00:02:35,620 When she's not on duty and other than at meal times... 33 00:02:35,692 --> 00:02:40,186 she is to sit on the edge of her bed at attention for one month. 34 00:02:40,263 --> 00:02:45,257 Oh, be reasonable, Major. You can't keep a nurse in bed for a month. 35 00:02:45,335 --> 00:02:48,736 Although there are a few people who have tried it. 36 00:02:48,805 --> 00:02:52,138 Well, you're certainly proving your lack of usual help. 37 00:02:52,209 --> 00:02:56,976 Boy, Major, you and your nurses can be pains in the royal butt. 38 00:02:57,047 --> 00:03:00,505 If you're not in here every five minutes with a lot of bugle oil... 39 00:03:00,584 --> 00:03:05,112 about how you can't control them, they're here complaining you're Hermann Goering in drag. 40 00:03:05,188 --> 00:03:07,918 Which one of them said that? 41 00:03:07,991 --> 00:03:12,189 I'm not finking, Major. I'm not gonna have you chain some poor little nurse to her cot... 42 00:03:12,262 --> 00:03:14,924 or set her adrift in a bedpan. 43 00:03:14,998 --> 00:03:18,798 Then you don't mind if I go over your head... again? 44 00:03:18,869 --> 00:03:21,633 Just so long as it's on tiptoe. 45 00:03:21,705 --> 00:03:26,335 I think H.Q. Would be very interested to learn that this unit is commanded... 46 00:03:26,409 --> 00:03:31,142 by an inept incompetent who runs down his chief nurse every chance he gets! 47 00:03:31,214 --> 00:03:34,809 Speaking man-to-man, Colonel, I realize the war unhinges us all. 48 00:03:34,885 --> 00:03:38,082 If we were to take off our uniforms, we could possibly become friends. 49 00:03:38,155 --> 00:03:42,592 That fact aside, your conduct is so beneath contempt that I won't lower myself to elevate it. 50 00:03:42,659 --> 00:03:46,151 - Good day, sir! - Uh-huh. - Sir! 51 00:03:46,229 --> 00:03:50,632 H.Q. Just called. They said we could be expecting an enemy attack. 52 00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:54,500 Radar, that's the nicest thing I've heard today. 53 00:03:54,571 --> 00:03:57,631 - #When I die # - [Trapper And Hawkeye] #When I die # 54 00:03:57,707 --> 00:04:01,165 - #And it won't be long # - #And it won't be long # 55 00:04:01,244 --> 00:04:04,680 - # Hey, you're gonna be sorry # - # Hey, you're gonna be sorry # 56 00:04:04,748 --> 00:04:08,115 - #That you treated me wrong # - #That you treated me wrong # 57 00:04:08,185 --> 00:04:11,552 - #Yeah, you're gonna be sorry # - # Hey, you're gonna be sorry # 58 00:04:11,621 --> 00:04:15,284 - #That you treated me bad # - #That you treated me bad # 59 00:04:15,358 --> 00:04:20,921 [Simultaneously] #And if there's an afterlife, I'll go, then I'll be glad ## 60 00:04:20,997 --> 00:04:23,659 Hey, Calvin, Trap. 61 00:04:27,804 --> 00:04:31,433 - Hey, where are the nurses going, Radar? - 44th Field Hospital... 62 00:04:31,508 --> 00:04:33,442 with all the wounded that can be moved. 63 00:04:33,510 --> 00:04:36,877 It looks like we maybe might get hit by an enemy paratroop drop. 64 00:04:36,947 --> 00:04:40,439 - Got any other good news? - Christmas canceled? Pentagon been enlarged? 65 00:04:40,517 --> 00:04:44,180 - Lassie been spayed? - What do you want from me? I'm just as unhappy as you. 66 00:04:44,254 --> 00:04:47,417 - Believe me, we're unhappier. - Because we're taller. 67 00:04:49,125 --> 00:04:53,186 Together, we're at least two feet unhappier than you are. 68 00:04:53,263 --> 00:04:57,893 - You hear the news? - If you were a nurse, we'd be shipping you to the 44th. 69 00:04:57,968 --> 00:05:01,597 If I was a nurse, I'd be home now, pregnant. 70 00:05:01,671 --> 00:05:06,973 Detail forward! March! Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four. 71 00:05:07,043 --> 00:05:10,945 Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four. 72 00:05:11,014 --> 00:05:15,007 Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four. 73 00:05:15,085 --> 00:05:19,215 Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four. 74 00:05:19,289 --> 00:05:22,884 Detail halt! One, two! 75 00:05:22,959 --> 00:05:28,158 I want foxholes... there, there, there and there... each smartly dug... 76 00:05:28,231 --> 00:05:32,190 the kind of hole a man can throw himself into with pride. 77 00:05:32,269 --> 00:05:36,000 Detail dig! Two, three, four! 78 00:05:36,072 --> 00:05:38,472 - Hello, Frank. - I've heard that before. 79 00:05:38,541 --> 00:05:41,704 Turning the compound into a putting course, Frank? 80 00:05:41,778 --> 00:05:46,875 Instead of standing around cracking wise, you might want to set an example for the men. 81 00:05:46,950 --> 00:05:51,250 - I'd rather set an example for the women. - Oh, put a sock on it. 82 00:05:51,321 --> 00:05:56,759 [Man On P.A.] Attention, all nurses. Please be prepared to leave in one hour. 83 00:05:56,826 --> 00:05:59,886 One hour till the nurses go. 84 00:06:03,466 --> 00:06:06,094 [Three Knocks] 85 00:06:08,204 --> 00:06:11,002 - [One Knock] - Come in. 86 00:06:11,074 --> 00:06:15,374 - Just one second, bunny. - Sure. 87 00:06:15,445 --> 00:06:21,247 - What do you want? - Major Burns says he'll be detained a little late. 88 00:06:21,318 --> 00:06:24,481 He's having himself lowered into the ground to show the right height for how low... 89 00:06:24,554 --> 00:06:28,251 a foxhole should be dug down so you can stand up into it. 90 00:06:28,325 --> 00:06:32,694 - Thank you. - Can I help you with anything, Major? 91 00:06:32,762 --> 00:06:36,254 - Packing? - No. Thank you. But that's very kind of you, Corporal. 92 00:06:36,333 --> 00:06:39,928 - Did I ever tell you how much you look like my sister? - No. 93 00:06:40,003 --> 00:06:43,131 - Except you're a lot older. - That would be your younger sister? 94 00:06:43,206 --> 00:06:47,768 - No. She's 37. - Don't slam the door. 95 00:06:49,346 --> 00:06:51,507 Am I leaving? 96 00:06:56,586 --> 00:06:58,440 [Sighs] 97 00:06:58,574 --> 00:07:01,134 [Moaning] 98 00:07:01,210 --> 00:07:04,611 - I'm going to miss you something awful. - [Moans] 99 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:07,012 - Oh. - Did you know you had this thing back here? 100 00:07:07,082 --> 00:07:09,312 - What thing? - My tongue. 101 00:07:09,384 --> 00:07:14,117 Oh. Oh. [Continues Moaning] 102 00:07:14,189 --> 00:07:17,818 - Why are all the great guys married? - Who said I was? 103 00:07:17,893 --> 00:07:21,852 - You did. - [Yelps] That's my best nose. 104 00:07:21,930 --> 00:07:24,797 Stuff your nose. 105 00:07:24,866 --> 00:07:29,064 Do you mind? I paid good money for this supply room. 106 00:07:37,312 --> 00:07:41,271 - [Three Knocks] - Come in, Frank. 107 00:07:41,350 --> 00:07:46,117 - You didn't use our secret knock. - Frank, the whole camp knows our secret knock. 108 00:07:46,188 --> 00:07:51,524 The degenerates! Completely preoccupied with pleasures of the flesh. 109 00:07:53,495 --> 00:07:58,398 Oh, Margaret! To think I won't have this neck to nuzzle... 110 00:07:58,467 --> 00:08:00,901 these lobes to nibble. 111 00:08:02,671 --> 00:08:06,869 - It's gonna be sheer hell. - Oh, how those dirty words inflame me! 112 00:08:06,942 --> 00:08:08,876 [Gasps] 113 00:08:10,846 --> 00:08:14,714 I'll call you from the 44th, first chance. 114 00:08:14,783 --> 00:08:18,810 To become... just a disembodied voice. 115 00:08:18,887 --> 00:08:23,017 When we've spent all this time being so embodied. 116 00:08:26,728 --> 00:08:29,754 - For you, darling. - Oh. 117 00:08:34,870 --> 00:08:37,998 Frank, is that what I think it is? 118 00:08:38,073 --> 00:08:40,906 Hair. Mine. 119 00:08:40,976 --> 00:08:44,468 There's six months' haircuts in there. 120 00:08:44,546 --> 00:08:48,448 - For me? - I was saving them for my mother. 121 00:08:48,517 --> 00:08:52,146 She glues my hair into the shape of flowers, puts them under glass. 122 00:08:53,889 --> 00:08:56,858 Frank, I think your mother should have this. Please. 123 00:08:56,925 --> 00:09:00,417 I'm a big boy, Margaret. I'm over 21. 124 00:09:00,495 --> 00:09:04,591 I can give my hair to anyone I please. Please. Keep it. 125 00:09:04,666 --> 00:09:09,262 If anything should happen... if we never see each other again... 126 00:09:09,338 --> 00:09:12,239 at least you can always run your fingers through the envelope. 127 00:09:12,307 --> 00:09:14,639 Oh. Ohh. 128 00:09:15,777 --> 00:09:18,245 Ready to roll, Colonel. 129 00:09:18,313 --> 00:09:21,976 - See you in a few days. - Hopefully. 130 00:09:23,051 --> 00:09:24,985 Major. 131 00:09:27,456 --> 00:09:29,390 Captain. 132 00:09:30,792 --> 00:09:33,818 - Captain. - Major. 133 00:09:35,764 --> 00:09:37,823 Pierce! 134 00:09:37,899 --> 00:09:39,833 Colonel! 135 00:09:42,037 --> 00:09:46,667 - Cut it out, Pierce. - I'd like to leave a call for 8:30. 136 00:09:49,077 --> 00:09:53,878 That has to be an affront to every decent army officer back to George Washington. 137 00:09:53,949 --> 00:09:56,042 Major. 138 00:09:56,118 --> 00:10:00,020 - Did you know that Washington's false teeth were made out of wood? - Really? 139 00:10:00,088 --> 00:10:03,353 - Martha's lips were always full of slivers. - [Truck Door Shuts] 140 00:10:03,425 --> 00:10:08,522 - Let's get this show on the road. - [Engine Starts] 141 00:10:08,597 --> 00:10:12,226 Hold it! 142 00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:15,235 [Gasping, Groaning] 143 00:10:15,303 --> 00:10:19,103 - [Henry] Klinger, that's desertion. - No, sir. Honest. 144 00:10:19,174 --> 00:10:22,371 I just fell asleep in here, I swear. 145 00:10:22,444 --> 00:10:25,277 All right. Take it away. 146 00:10:39,327 --> 00:10:42,888 - [Chattering] - [Hawkeye] I'd like a dry martini, Mr. Kwak... 147 00:10:42,964 --> 00:10:45,558 a very dry martini. 148 00:10:45,634 --> 00:10:49,161 A very dry, arid, barren, desiccated... 149 00:10:49,237 --> 00:10:52,536 veritable dust bowl of a martini. 150 00:10:52,607 --> 00:10:56,407 I want a martini that can be declared a disaster area. 151 00:10:56,478 --> 00:11:00,539 - Mix me just such a martini. - With two straws. 152 00:11:00,615 --> 00:11:03,880 Make it to go, please. I'd like to drink it in the States. 153 00:11:07,322 --> 00:11:10,723 - Boy, do I miss my wife. - So do I. 154 00:11:10,792 --> 00:11:14,250 - I don't even know your wife, and I miss her. - I'll miss my wife. 155 00:11:14,329 --> 00:11:18,231 - You miss my mother. - Fence builder. 156 00:11:26,174 --> 00:11:30,133 - What's he up to? - You mean, what's he upside down to, Frank? 157 00:11:30,212 --> 00:11:33,010 He says he's gonna stay that way until the nurses come back. 158 00:11:33,081 --> 00:11:38,018 - Off your head and on your feet, Spalding! - Yes, sir. 159 00:11:38,086 --> 00:11:42,580 We happen to be under blackout conditions, gentlemen. 160 00:11:42,657 --> 00:11:46,525 - We're still at war, you know. - I guess that explains all the boom-booms. 161 00:11:46,595 --> 00:11:50,292 That sassy jabber is wasted on me, Captain Wiseapple. 162 00:11:50,365 --> 00:11:53,300 I'm miserable enough, Frank. Don't start with me... 163 00:11:53,368 --> 00:11:55,893 or I'll give you a nose job from the inside. 164 00:11:55,971 --> 00:12:00,032 You'd better get out of here, Frank. He doesn't care anymore. He's wanted in five states now. 165 00:12:00,108 --> 00:12:03,407 Oh, you phony baloneys! 166 00:12:05,313 --> 00:12:08,441 [Wolf Whistles] 167 00:12:08,517 --> 00:12:10,451 Forget it. 168 00:12:10,519 --> 00:12:14,353 When the nurses come back, I'll be tossed aside like an old shoe. 169 00:12:14,422 --> 00:12:16,356 - Here's your guitar, Captain. - Thanks, Klinger. 170 00:12:16,424 --> 00:12:20,383 - Give me a beer, Mr. Kwak. - If they come back. 171 00:12:20,462 --> 00:12:25,092 - Boy, I miss your mother. - Would you like to see her picture again? 172 00:12:25,166 --> 00:12:28,363 I've seen every picture of every female that's in this camp. 173 00:12:28,436 --> 00:12:31,405 There's that reel under Frank's bunk we've never seen. 174 00:12:31,473 --> 00:12:35,876 That's probably just a movie of Frank's parents being told he died at birth. 175 00:12:38,747 --> 00:12:41,147 They'll be back. 176 00:12:41,216 --> 00:12:44,276 - ## [Strumming Melody] - Dry, Mr. Kwak. 177 00:12:44,352 --> 00:12:47,947 Dry, drier, driest. Unwet. 178 00:12:48,023 --> 00:12:53,120 The ultimate, the perfect martini... a drink that's dying of thirst. 179 00:12:58,133 --> 00:13:02,695 #And I wonder if they miss us # 180 00:13:02,771 --> 00:13:06,138 # Now, wouldn't that be funny # 181 00:13:07,709 --> 00:13:10,701 # Now that we're without them # 182 00:13:10,779 --> 00:13:14,215 #We can hardly stand ourselves # 183 00:13:16,918 --> 00:13:20,445 # Well, it's funny when they're here # 184 00:13:21,756 --> 00:13:25,055 #How we take for granted # 185 00:13:25,126 --> 00:13:28,789 # The way they taste The way they feel # 186 00:13:28,863 --> 00:13:32,390 # Their sight, their smell their sound # 187 00:13:32,467 --> 00:13:36,198 #And it's funny when they're gone # 188 00:13:37,672 --> 00:13:41,472 # Just how bad we miss them # 189 00:13:41,543 --> 00:13:45,070 #And how life can be so empty # 190 00:13:45,146 --> 00:13:47,740 #When they're not around # 191 00:13:47,816 --> 00:13:53,254 #And I wonder if they miss us # 192 00:13:53,321 --> 00:13:56,449 #Now, wouldn't that be funny # 193 00:13:56,524 --> 00:14:00,084 #Now that we're without them # 194 00:14:00,218 --> 00:14:05,918 #We can hardly stand ourselves ## 195 00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:20,230 Oh. Yeah, okay. I got it. Right. 196 00:14:21,539 --> 00:14:24,440 - Well, what's the poop? - Huh? 197 00:14:24,508 --> 00:14:27,272 Oh, uh, the nurses all arrived safely at the 44th. 198 00:14:27,345 --> 00:14:30,109 We're still expecting an enemy parachute drop... 199 00:14:30,181 --> 00:14:33,708 but we can't evacuate due to the constant inflow of wounded. 200 00:14:33,784 --> 00:14:38,881 Let the enemy come. We'll show them American guts in action. 201 00:14:38,956 --> 00:14:42,119 I think mine have started already, sir. 202 00:14:42,193 --> 00:14:45,594 - Choppers. - [Helicopters Approaching] 203 00:14:45,663 --> 00:14:47,654 [Telephone Ringing] 204 00:14:47,732 --> 00:14:49,666 M.A.S.H., 4077 th. 205 00:14:51,769 --> 00:14:55,136 [Man On P.A.] Attention. Attention, all personnel. 206 00:14:55,206 --> 00:15:00,644 Incoming... Incoming wounded arriving by vehicle plus choppers... 207 00:15:00,711 --> 00:15:03,407 on both upper and lower pads. 208 00:15:03,481 --> 00:15:09,181 All available personnel will report to the O.R. To help with nursing chores. 209 00:15:09,253 --> 00:15:12,188 We need lots of hands. 210 00:15:25,970 --> 00:15:28,939 - [Hawkeye Talking, Indistinct] - [Metal Clanking] 211 00:15:29,006 --> 00:15:31,736 - [Henry Scolds, Indistinct] - Just look this way, Father, where the blood is. 212 00:15:31,809 --> 00:15:35,142 - Rake retractor, Father. - Uh, rake... Uh. 213 00:15:35,212 --> 00:15:39,171 - Rake. It's at the end of the tray there. - Oh. Sorry. 214 00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:43,550 That's all right. You're all heart. Unfortunately, you're all thumbs as well. 215 00:15:43,621 --> 00:15:46,784 - Suction. - Suction? 216 00:15:46,857 --> 00:15:50,418 It's the thing that goes... [Imitates Sucking] 217 00:15:50,494 --> 00:15:55,261 - My kingdom for a nurse. - I'm doing my best. 218 00:15:55,333 --> 00:15:59,269 If you don't start handing me instruments the right way, I'm gonna cut you off at the knees. 219 00:15:59,337 --> 00:16:01,430 I thought he was cut off at the knees. 220 00:16:01,505 --> 00:16:06,408 - Klinger, you're standing in my light. - Whatever I do is no good. 221 00:16:06,477 --> 00:16:09,844 If Hot Lips were here right now, I'd kiss her feet. 222 00:16:09,914 --> 00:16:13,577 And bump into Frank coming around the toe? 223 00:16:13,651 --> 00:16:16,313 Okay, Klinger, give me the clamp, give me the clamp. 224 00:16:16,387 --> 00:16:20,619 - Thataboy. - Three-O silk on a cutting needle, Mr. Kwang. 225 00:16:20,691 --> 00:16:24,991 Let's keep those sponges coming, Father. "Nurse" is also a verb. 226 00:16:25,062 --> 00:16:30,728 Margaret! Oh, Margaret, I'm so glad I could get through to you. 227 00:16:30,801 --> 00:16:33,099 L... 228 00:16:33,170 --> 00:16:35,934 Just a minute, darling. 229 00:16:44,448 --> 00:16:47,417 - How are you, precious? - Fine now, darling. 230 00:16:47,485 --> 00:16:52,548 - How are you? - Oh, I'm just a wreck without you. Honest. 231 00:16:52,623 --> 00:16:56,559 The only thing that keeps me going are the letters from my wife. 232 00:16:56,627 --> 00:17:01,894 Really, Frank? Just letters? No packages? She hasn't knitted you a divorce? 233 00:17:01,966 --> 00:17:04,434 Sorry, Margaret. 234 00:17:04,502 --> 00:17:09,030 How do you like the 44th? Any handsome doctors up there? 235 00:17:09,106 --> 00:17:12,007 Are you still expecting an attack? That's what we hear. 236 00:17:12,076 --> 00:17:15,910 We're ready for it. I've got the whole place organized. 237 00:17:15,980 --> 00:17:17,948 Of course, Pierce and Mclntyre have been no help. 238 00:17:18,015 --> 00:17:22,213 - Last night, they filled my foxhole with peas and carrots. - Oh, dear. 239 00:17:22,286 --> 00:17:25,687 And then they put a whoopee cushion in my helmet liner. 240 00:17:25,756 --> 00:17:28,725 You're bigger than they are, Frank. We both know that. 241 00:17:28,793 --> 00:17:32,627 Margaret, are there... there? 242 00:17:34,665 --> 00:17:37,532 Are there what here? 243 00:17:37,601 --> 00:17:42,265 Margaret, falling for me, I realized how easily you can be taken in by a handsome face. 244 00:17:42,339 --> 00:17:45,740 - You're not jealous? - I'm a doctor, Margaret. 245 00:17:45,810 --> 00:17:51,180 But if I caught you with another man, I'd blow my brains out and then kill both of you. 246 00:17:53,084 --> 00:17:56,679 - Did you hear what you said? You got it all backwards. - [Laughing Manically] 247 00:17:56,754 --> 00:18:01,020 I mean, I'd kill both of you and then I'd kill myself. 248 00:18:01,092 --> 00:18:04,027 Seriously, Frank. 249 00:18:04,095 --> 00:18:07,724 Knowing you'd kill me somehow makes my life worthwhile. 250 00:18:07,798 --> 00:18:10,995 Well, I wouldn't kill just anyone, Margaret. 251 00:18:13,504 --> 00:18:16,996 I've gotta go now, darling. I love you. 252 00:18:17,074 --> 00:18:19,702 I love you. 253 00:18:23,147 --> 00:18:26,378 - Hang up, Frank. - You hang up first. 254 00:18:26,450 --> 00:18:28,975 Frank, that's so high school. 255 00:18:29,053 --> 00:18:32,284 Let's count to three, and then we'll hang up together. 256 00:18:32,356 --> 00:18:35,291 - Okay, you start. - One. 257 00:18:35,359 --> 00:18:38,055 - Two. - Three! 258 00:18:40,064 --> 00:18:42,794 Get 'em, Frank! 259 00:18:45,736 --> 00:18:50,298 Pierce! Mclntyre! Stop! Wait! Hold it! 260 00:18:50,374 --> 00:18:52,308 [Screams] 261 00:18:54,178 --> 00:18:57,409 - Stop! - [Trapper Laughs] 262 00:18:57,481 --> 00:19:01,281 [Frank Yelling] Help! Help! Oh! 263 00:19:03,988 --> 00:19:08,550 [Frank] Now, cut that out. Help! Stop that jeep! 264 00:19:08,626 --> 00:19:12,653 Let me out of here! [Yelping] Let me out! 265 00:19:14,932 --> 00:19:18,459 - Why, that's amazing, Frank. - Camouflaging yourself as a jeep. 266 00:19:18,536 --> 00:19:21,972 You get the film. I'll get the projector and popcorn. 267 00:19:22,039 --> 00:19:25,167 [Frank] You can't park a jeep over a superior officer! 268 00:19:25,242 --> 00:19:27,176 Let me out! 269 00:19:27,244 --> 00:19:30,975 If this belongs to Frank, you can be sure it's not a girlie movie. 270 00:19:31,048 --> 00:19:34,779 - You never can tell, Henry. - We just heard Frank make a semi-obscene phone call. 271 00:19:34,852 --> 00:19:38,720 - Right. No further word about the enemy attack, sir. - Good, good. 272 00:19:38,789 --> 00:19:41,883 [Hawkeye] There will be no enemy attack. My personal theory is that... 273 00:19:41,959 --> 00:19:44,928 the Chinese just sent headquarters a threatening fortune cookie. 274 00:19:44,995 --> 00:19:47,862 Get the window, Klinger. 275 00:19:47,932 --> 00:19:52,369 - [Trapper] Don't stand in the light. - [Hawkeye] You heartbreaker. 276 00:19:54,038 --> 00:19:57,701 - Everyone comfortable? - Not for a year now. 277 00:19:57,775 --> 00:20:00,767 - Let her rip, Henry. - You got it. 278 00:20:00,844 --> 00:20:03,506 [Projector Whirring] 279 00:20:06,050 --> 00:20:08,678 - I think I saw this movie. - Oh, pipe down. 280 00:20:08,752 --> 00:20:11,983 - Radar, get your hand off my knee. - That's not funny! 281 00:20:12,056 --> 00:20:15,492 Come on. Get out of the way. 282 00:20:18,028 --> 00:20:22,192 - "I've invited you all here today because I'm ready to name the murderer." - [Laughs] 283 00:20:22,266 --> 00:20:26,327 - Hey, that's his wedding pictures. - Must be. I don't see a casket. 284 00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:32,266 I hate that hat. 285 00:20:32,343 --> 00:20:35,506 - [Trapper] Our hero! - [Hawkeye] The plot thins! 286 00:20:35,579 --> 00:20:38,810 - [Henry] Beautiful. Found his buttonhole. - [All Murmuring] 287 00:20:38,882 --> 00:20:43,512 - [Trapper] Would you look at that smile? - [Hawkeye] That can be cured. 288 00:20:43,587 --> 00:20:47,387 - Invited a lot of empty chairs. - [Radar] We got chairs like that back home. 289 00:20:47,458 --> 00:20:51,087 - [Henry] Mm. - [Both] Aww. 290 00:20:51,161 --> 00:20:55,598 - ##[Whistling "Here Comes The Bride"] - [Henry] Thar she blows! 291 00:20:55,633 --> 00:20:56,708 - I love her gown. - [Trapper] You have got a better figure. 292 00:20:56,708 --> 00:20:59,404 - I love her gown. - [Trapper] You have got a better figure. 293 00:20:59,478 --> 00:21:02,936 - [Hawkeye] This is the happiest day of her life. - [Trapper Laughs] 294 00:21:03,014 --> 00:21:07,747 [Hawkeye] There they are. Franklin D. Whitebread marries Miss Cynthia Soon-To-Be-Frigid. 295 00:21:07,819 --> 00:21:11,084 - Don't do it, Frank! - [Trapper] You'll be sorry. 296 00:21:11,156 --> 00:21:15,058 - [Hawkeye] Say no, Frank! - [Radar] Those flowers are pretty. 297 00:21:15,126 --> 00:21:18,994 - [Trapper] Her hands are full of water. - [Hawkeye Laughs] 298 00:21:21,266 --> 00:21:23,962 [Henry] Oh, brother. 299 00:21:27,906 --> 00:21:31,808 [Trapper] There's two locked up. 300 00:21:31,877 --> 00:21:34,675 Got 'im! 301 00:21:34,746 --> 00:21:37,510 - Oh, look! - Even then, he didn't know how to hold a knife. 302 00:21:37,582 --> 00:21:42,110 - Watch the cake die of malpractice. - Why do I feel sorry for Frank? 303 00:21:42,187 --> 00:21:44,212 [Hawkeye Laughs Hysterically] 304 00:21:44,289 --> 00:21:47,122 Hey, what's that sticking to him? 305 00:21:47,192 --> 00:21:52,289 [Hawkeye] That's the bride. Oh, good. Lovely. 306 00:21:52,364 --> 00:21:54,889 [Trapper] Smarts a little, huh, Frank? 307 00:21:54,966 --> 00:21:58,060 - Good shot, honey. - [Klinger] Hit him right in the mush. 308 00:21:58,136 --> 00:22:02,072 - Lookit. She can hardly wait. - [Radar] Is that their daughter? 309 00:22:02,140 --> 00:22:05,735 - That looks like you, Radar. - Nah. The little girl's taller. 310 00:22:05,810 --> 00:22:09,041 - [Radar] Who asked you? - Traveling light. 311 00:22:09,114 --> 00:22:13,141 - [Radar] Anybody hear a siren? - Suppose she'll take off her glasses? 312 00:22:14,352 --> 00:22:17,185 Look. Lookit. Lookit. 313 00:22:17,255 --> 00:22:21,919 - Don't blow this, Frank! - "Oh, just shut up and get in the car, Frank." 314 00:22:21,993 --> 00:22:25,360 - "I wanna drive." - "Never mind that. Just get in the car." 315 00:22:25,430 --> 00:22:28,297 [Henry] "Oh, hell." 316 00:22:28,366 --> 00:22:33,463 - "Sit down and shut up." - [Radar] I could've sworn I heard a siren. 317 00:22:33,538 --> 00:22:36,371 - Vroom, vroom, vroom. - Good-bye! 318 00:22:36,441 --> 00:22:38,810 [Imitating Stuttering] Be-dee, be-dee... That's all, folks. 319 00:22:38,810 --> 00:22:39,777 [Imitating Stuttering] Be-dee, be-dee... That's all, folks. 320 00:22:39,844 --> 00:22:44,372 - [Sirens Blaring] - Air raid! Plane spotted! 321 00:22:45,917 --> 00:22:49,216 You picked a fine time to watch a dirty movie. 322 00:22:49,287 --> 00:22:52,586 This was the worst of all, Frank. 323 00:22:52,657 --> 00:22:55,455 [Engines Decelerating] 324 00:22:55,527 --> 00:22:58,394 Hey, the plane's dropping something. 325 00:22:58,463 --> 00:23:02,729 Holy cow! It's Five O'Clock Charlie! 326 00:23:04,002 --> 00:23:07,802 That idiot? That's the raid? 327 00:23:07,872 --> 00:23:11,808 - He couldn't hit the side of a war. - Burns. 328 00:23:11,876 --> 00:23:15,607 [Airplane Engine Accelerating, Decelerating Alternately] 329 00:23:20,452 --> 00:23:24,946 - "Give up, Yankee imperialist dog." - An I.O.U. For an attack. 330 00:23:25,023 --> 00:23:28,151 "Harry Truman is sleeping with your wife"? 331 00:23:28,226 --> 00:23:32,094 - You know what this means, huh? - What? Ohh. 332 00:23:32,163 --> 00:23:35,599 - Radar, call... - The 44th's busy, sir, but I'll have the nurses here by breakfast. 333 00:23:35,667 --> 00:23:37,601 [Henry] Let's have a drink. 334 00:23:37,669 --> 00:23:40,604 - [Nurses Whooping] - [Truck Horn Honking] 335 00:23:40,672 --> 00:23:46,201 - ##[Korean Song On P.A.] - [Whooping, Cheering Continue] 336 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:57,554 [Inaudible Dialogue] 337 00:24:12,937 --> 00:24:15,872 - Hey, Trapper! Trapper! Look at this! - Huh? 338 00:24:15,940 --> 00:24:18,374 [Inaudible Dialogue] 339 00:24:32,257 --> 00:24:35,192 - This way, ladies. - Welcome home. 340 00:24:42,767 --> 00:24:45,827 - #When I die # - [Trapper And Hawkeye] # Oh, when I die # 341 00:24:45,904 --> 00:24:49,362 - #And it won't be long # - #And it won't be long # 342 00:24:49,441 --> 00:24:52,740 - #And you're gonna be sorry # - #And you're gonna be sorry # 343 00:24:52,811 --> 00:24:55,871 - #That you treated me wrong # - #That you treated me wrong # 344 00:24:55,947 --> 00:24:59,348 - #Yeah, you're gonna be sorry # - # Oh, you're gonna be sorry # 345 00:24:59,417 --> 00:25:02,909 - #That you treated me bad # - #That you treated me bad # 346 00:25:02,987 --> 00:25:08,186 [Simultaneously] #And if there's an afterlife, I'll go, then I'll be glad # 347 00:25:09,627 --> 00:25:13,028 - # Ha, ha, ha, ha # - # Ha, ha, ha, ha # 348 00:25:13,098 --> 00:25:16,625 - # Ho, ho, ho, ho # - # Ho, ho, ho, ho # 349 00:25:16,701 --> 00:25:19,795 - #Talk it, talk it, talk it # - #Talk it, talk it, talk it # 350 00:25:19,871 --> 00:25:22,601 - # Shake it, shake it, shake it # - # Shake it, shake it, shake it # 351 00:25:22,674 --> 00:25:27,839 ## [Continues, Indistinct, Fades Out]