[Chattering]
Give me some 3-O chromic, Mr. Kwang.
- Yes, Doctor. - [Hawkeye Speaking Korean]
[Mr. Kwang] You're welcome, sir.
- I didn't ask for a Kelly clamp, Nurse! - But you did, sir.
- Don't argue with the surgeon. - [Hawkeye] Everyone's a surgeon.
I wouldn't let him cut the giblets out of a turkey.
He'd probably give it cranberry complications.
- Now the Kelly. - [Sarcastically] Yes, Doctor.
Major, may I have a nurse to work with who isn't quite so smug?
- I'll take over here, Baker. You're tired. - I'm perfectly fine.
- I said you're tired. That's an order. - [Hawkeye] Get off her back.
- She's my nurse. - I'll give you $500 for her.
- Sold! - You report to my quarters.
Major Burns will show you how to get there.
Sir?
Major Houlihan requests permission to see the colonel.
Well, tell her I died of a hangover and didn't leave a forwarding address.
- Yes, sir. - Colonel, I want a few words with you.
I just hope I can hear you over the tom-toms.
- I think you'll be able to hear me all right. - Here's some black coffee, sir.
- God bless you, Radar. - Hope so, sir.
- Colonel. - Radar, turn on the news.
Maybe the war just ended, and I won't have to talk to her.
Yes, sir. I'll get you that station right away.
Colonel Blake, I wish to charge Lieutenant Janet Baker with insubordination...
and I insist on your assurance that she will be given prompt and vigorous punishment.
Major, there's a French unit right down the road. Why don't you run down there...
and see if you can borrow their guillotine?
- Ha! - Don't do that.
- I want her placed under bed arrest. - Bed what?
When she's not on duty and other than at meal times...
she is to sit on the edge of her bed at attention for one month.
Oh, be reasonable, Major. You can't keep a nurse in bed for a month.
Although there are a few people who have tried it.
Well, you're certainly proving your lack of usual help.
Boy, Major, you and your nurses can be pains in the royal butt.
If you're not in here every five minutes with a lot of bugle oil...
about how you can't control them, they're here complaining you're Hermann Goering in drag.
Which one of them said that?
I'm not finking, Major. I'm not gonna have you chain some poor little nurse to her cot...
or set her adrift in a bedpan.
Then you don't mind if I go over your head... again?
Just so long as it's on tiptoe.
I think H.Q. Would be very interested to learn that this unit is commanded...
by an inept incompetent who runs down his chief nurse every chance he gets!
Speaking man-to-man, Colonel, I realize the war unhinges us all.
If we were to take off our uniforms, we could possibly become friends.
That fact aside, your conduct is so beneath contempt that I won't lower myself to elevate it.
- Good day, sir! - Uh-huh. - Sir!
H.Q. Just called. They said we could be expecting an enemy attack.
Radar, that's the nicest thing I've heard today.
- #When I die # - [Trapper And Hawkeye] #When I die #
- #And it won't be long # - #And it won't be long #
- # Hey, you're gonna be sorry # - # Hey, you're gonna be sorry #
- #That you treated me wrong # - #That you treated me wrong #
- #Yeah, you're gonna be sorry # - # Hey, you're gonna be sorry #
- #That you treated me bad # - #That you treated me bad #
[Simultaneously] #And if there's an afterlife, I'll go, then I'll be glad ##
Hey, Calvin, Trap.
- Hey, where are the nurses going, Radar? - 44th Field Hospital...
with all the wounded that can be moved.
It looks like we maybe might get hit by an enemy paratroop drop.
- Got any other good news? - Christmas canceled? Pentagon been enlarged?
- Lassie been spayed? - What do you want from me? I'm just as unhappy as you.
- Believe me, we're unhappier. - Because we're taller.
Together, we're at least two feet unhappier than you are.
- You hear the news? - If you were a nurse, we'd be shipping you to the 44th.
If I was a nurse, I'd be home now, pregnant.
Detail forward! March! Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four.
Detail halt! One, two!
I want foxholes... there, there, there and there... each smartly dug...
the kind of hole a man can throw himself into with pride.
Detail dig! Two, three, four!
- Hello, Frank. - I've heard that before.
Turning the compound into a putting course, Frank?
Instead of standing around cracking wise, you might want to set an example for the men.
- I'd rather set an example for the women. - Oh, put a sock on it.
[Man On P.A.] Attention, all nurses. Please be prepared to leave in one hour.
One hour till the nurses go.
[Three Knocks]
- [One Knock] - Come in.
- Just one second, bunny. - Sure.
- What do you want? - Major Burns says he'll be detained a little late.
He's having himself lowered into the ground to show the right height for how low...
a foxhole should be dug down so you can stand up into it.
- Thank you. - Can I help you with anything, Major?
- Packing? - No. Thank you. But that's very kind of you, Corporal.
- Did I ever tell you how much you look like my sister? - No.
- Except you're a lot older. - That would be your younger sister?
- No. She's 37. - Don't slam the door.
Am I leaving?
[Sighs]
[Moaning]
- I'm going to miss you something awful. - [Moans]
- Oh. - Did you know you had this thing back here?
- What thing? - My tongue.
Oh. Oh. [Continues Moaning]
- Why are all the great guys married? - Who said I was?
- You did. - [Yelps] That's my best nose.
Stuff your nose.
Do you mind? I paid good money for this supply room.
- [Three Knocks] - Come in, Frank.
- You didn't use our secret knock. - Frank, the whole camp knows our secret knock.
The degenerates! Completely preoccupied with pleasures of the flesh.
Oh, Margaret! To think I won't have this neck to nuzzle...
these lobes to nibble.
- It's gonna be sheer hell. - Oh, how those dirty words inflame me!
[Gasps]
I'll call you from the 44th, first chance.
To become... just a disembodied voice.
When we've spent all this time being so embodied.
- For you, darling. - Oh.
Frank, is that what I think it is?
Hair. Mine.
There's six months' haircuts in there.
- For me? - I was saving them for my mother.
She glues my hair into the shape of flowers, puts them under glass.
Frank, I think your mother should have this. Please.
I'm a big boy, Margaret. I'm over 21.
I can give my hair to anyone I please. Please. Keep it.
If anything should happen... if we never see each other again...
at least you can always run your fingers through the envelope.
Oh. Ohh.
Ready to roll, Colonel.
- See you in a few days. - Hopefully.
Major.
Captain.
- Captain. - Major.
Pierce!
Colonel!
- Cut it out, Pierce. - I'd like to leave a call for 8:30.
That has to be an affront to every decent army officer back to George Washington.
Major.
- Did you know that Washington's false teeth were made out of wood? - Really?
- Martha's lips were always full of slivers. - [Truck Door Shuts]
- Let's get this show on the road. - [Engine Starts]
Hold it!
[Gasping, Groaning]
- [Henry] Klinger, that's desertion. - No, sir. Honest.
I just fell asleep in here, I swear.
All right. Take it away.
- [Chattering] - [Hawkeye] I'd like a dry martini, Mr. Kwak...
a very dry martini.
A very dry, arid, barren, desiccated...
veritable dust bowl of a martini.
I want a martini that can be declared a disaster area.
- Mix me just such a martini. - With two straws.
Make it to go, please. I'd like to drink it in the States.
- Boy, do I miss my wife. - So do I.
- I don't even know your wife, and I miss her. - I'll miss my wife.
- You miss my mother. - Fence builder.
- What's he up to? - You mean, what's he upside down to, Frank?
He says he's gonna stay that way until the nurses come back.
- Off your head and on your feet, Spalding! - Yes, sir.
We happen to be under blackout conditions, gentlemen.
- We're still at war, you know. - I guess that explains all the boom-booms.
That sassy jabber is wasted on me, Captain Wiseapple.
I'm miserable enough, Frank. Don't start with me...
or I'll give you a nose job from the inside.
You'd better get out of here, Frank. He doesn't care anymore. He's wanted in five states now.
Oh, you phony baloneys!
[Wolf Whistles]
Forget it.
When the nurses come back, I'll be tossed aside like an old shoe.
- Here's your guitar, Captain. - Thanks, Klinger.
- Give me a beer, Mr. Kwak. - If they come back.
- Boy, I miss your mother. - Would you like to see her picture again?
I've seen every picture of every female that's in this camp.
There's that reel under Frank's bunk we've never seen.
That's probably just a movie of Frank's parents being told he died at birth.
They'll be back.
- ## [Strumming Melody] - Dry, Mr. Kwak.
Dry, drier, driest. Unwet.
The ultimate, the perfect martini... a drink that's dying of thirst.
#And I wonder if they miss us #
# Now, wouldn't that be funny #
# Now that we're without them #
#We can hardly stand ourselves #
# Well, it's funny when they're here #
#How we take for granted #
# The way they taste The way they feel #
# Their sight, their smell their sound #
#And it's funny when they're gone #
# Just how bad we miss them #
#And how life can be so empty #
#When they're not around #
#And I wonder if they miss us #
#Now, wouldn't that be funny #
#Now that we're without them #
#We can hardly stand ourselves ##
Oh. Yeah, okay. I got it. Right.
- Well, what's the poop? - Huh?
Oh, uh, the nurses all arrived safely at the 44th.
We're still expecting an enemy parachute drop...
but we can't evacuate due to the constant inflow of wounded.
Let the enemy come. We'll show them American guts in action.
I think mine have started already, sir.
- Choppers. - [Helicopters Approaching]
[Telephone Ringing]
M.A.S.H., 4077 th.
[Man On P.A.] Attention. Attention, all personnel.
Incoming... Incoming wounded arriving by vehicle plus choppers...
on both upper and lower pads.
All available personnel will report to the O.R. To help with nursing chores.
We need lots of hands.
- [Hawkeye Talking, Indistinct] - [Metal Clanking]
- [Henry Scolds, Indistinct] - Just look this way, Father, where the blood is.
- Rake retractor, Father. - Uh, rake... Uh.
- Rake. It's at the end of the tray there. - Oh. Sorry.
That's all right. You're all heart. Unfortunately, you're all thumbs as well.
- Suction. - Suction?
It's the thing that goes... [Imitates Sucking]
- My kingdom for a nurse. - I'm doing my best.
If you don't start handing me instruments the right way, I'm gonna cut you off at the knees.
I thought he was cut off at the knees.
- Klinger, you're standing in my light. - Whatever I do is no good.
If Hot Lips were here right now, I'd kiss her feet.
And bump into Frank coming around the toe?
Okay, Klinger, give me the clamp, give me the clamp.
- Thataboy. - Three-O silk on a cutting needle, Mr. Kwang.
Let's keep those sponges coming, Father. "Nurse" is also a verb.
Margaret! Oh, Margaret, I'm so glad I could get through to you.
L...
Just a minute, darling.
- How are you, precious? - Fine now, darling.
- How are you? - Oh, I'm just a wreck without you. Honest.
The only thing that keeps me going are the letters from my wife.
Really, Frank? Just letters? No packages? She hasn't knitted you a divorce?
Sorry, Margaret.
How do you like the 44th? Any handsome doctors up there?
Are you still expecting an attack? That's what we hear.
We're ready for it. I've got the whole place organized.
Of course, Pierce and Mclntyre have been no help.
- Last night, they filled my foxhole with peas and carrots. - Oh, dear.
And then they put a whoopee cushion in my helmet liner.
You're bigger than they are, Frank. We both know that.
Margaret, are there... there?
Are there what here?
Margaret, falling for me, I realized how easily you can be taken in by a handsome face.
- You're not jealous? - I'm a doctor, Margaret.
But if I caught you with another man, I'd blow my brains out and then kill both of you.
- Did you hear what you said? You got it all backwards. - [Laughing Manically]
I mean, I'd kill both of you and then I'd kill myself.
Seriously, Frank.
Knowing you'd kill me somehow makes my life worthwhile.
Well, I wouldn't kill just anyone, Margaret.
I've gotta go now, darling. I love you.
- Hang up, Frank. - You hang up first.
Frank, that's so high school.
Let's count to three, and then we'll hang up together.
- Okay, you start. - One.
- Two. - Three!
Get 'em, Frank!
Pierce! Mclntyre! Stop! Wait! Hold it!
[Screams]
- Stop! - [Trapper Laughs]
[Frank Yelling] Help! Help! Oh!
[Frank] Now, cut that out. Help! Stop that jeep!
Let me out of here! [Yelping] Let me out!
- Why, that's amazing, Frank. - Camouflaging yourself as a jeep.
You get the film. I'll get the projector and popcorn.
[Frank] You can't park a jeep over a superior officer!
Let me out!
If this belongs to Frank, you can be sure it's not a girlie movie.
- You never can tell, Henry. - We just heard Frank make a semi-obscene phone call.
- Right. No further word about the enemy attack, sir. - Good, good.
[Hawkeye] There will be no enemy attack. My personal theory is that...
the Chinese just sent headquarters a threatening fortune cookie.
Get the window, Klinger.
- [Trapper] Don't stand in the light. - [Hawkeye] You heartbreaker.
- Everyone comfortable? - Not for a year now.
- Let her rip, Henry. - You got it.
[Projector Whirring]
- I think I saw this movie. - Oh, pipe down.
- Radar, get your hand off my knee. - That's not funny!
Come on. Get out of the way.
- "I've invited you all here today because I'm ready to name the murderer." - [Laughs]
- Hey, that's his wedding pictures. - Must be. I don't see a casket.
I hate that hat.
- [Trapper] Our hero! - [Hawkeye] The plot thins!
- [Henry] Beautiful. Found his buttonhole. - [All Murmuring]
- [Trapper] Would you look at that smile? - [Hawkeye] That can be cured.
- Invited a lot of empty chairs. - [Radar] We got chairs like that back home.
- [Henry] Mm. - [Both] Aww.
- ##[Whistling "Here Comes The Bride"] - [Henry] Thar she blows!
- I love her gown. - [Trapper] You have got a better figure.
- [Hawkeye] This is the happiest day of her life. - [Trapper Laughs]
[Hawkeye] There they are. Franklin D. Whitebread marries Miss Cynthia Soon-To-Be-Frigid.
- Don't do it, Frank! - [Trapper] You'll be sorry.
- [Hawkeye] Say no, Frank! - [Radar] Those flowers are pretty.
- [Trapper] Her hands are full of water. - [Hawkeye Laughs]
[Henry] Oh, brother.
[Trapper] There's two locked up.
Got 'im!
- Oh, look! - Even then, he didn't know how to hold a knife.
- Watch the cake die of malpractice. - Why do I feel sorry for Frank?
[Hawkeye Laughs Hysterically]
Hey, what's that sticking to him?
[Hawkeye] That's the bride. Oh, good. Lovely.
[Trapper] Smarts a little, huh, Frank?
- Good shot, honey. - [Klinger] Hit him right in the mush.
- Lookit. She can hardly wait. - [Radar] Is that their daughter?
- That looks like you, Radar. - Nah. The little girl's taller.
- [Radar] Who asked you? - Traveling light.
- [Radar] Anybody hear a siren? - Suppose she'll take off her glasses?
Look. Lookit. Lookit.
- Don't blow this, Frank! - "Oh, just shut up and get in the car, Frank."
- "I wanna drive." - "Never mind that. Just get in the car."
[Henry] "Oh, hell."
- "Sit down and shut up." - [Radar] I could've sworn I heard a siren.
- Vroom, vroom, vroom. - Good-bye!
[Imitating Stuttering] Be-dee, be-dee... That's all, folks.
- [Sirens Blaring] - Air raid! Plane spotted!
You picked a fine time to watch a dirty movie.
This was the worst of all, Frank.
[Engines Decelerating]
Hey, the plane's dropping something.
Holy cow! It's Five O'Clock Charlie!
That idiot? That's the raid?
- He couldn't hit the side of a war. - Burns.
[Airplane Engine Accelerating, Decelerating Alternately]
- "Give up, Yankee imperialist dog." - An I.O.U. For an attack.
"Harry Truman is sleeping with your wife"?
- You know what this means, huh? - What? Ohh.
- Radar, call... - The 44th's busy, sir, but I'll have the nurses here by breakfast.
[Henry] Let's have a drink.
- [Nurses Whooping] - [Truck Horn Honking]
- ##[Korean Song On P.A.] - [Whooping, Cheering Continue]
[Inaudible Dialogue]
- Hey, Trapper! Trapper! Look at this! - Huh?
[Inaudible Dialogue]
- This way, ladies. - Welcome home.
- #When I die # - [Trapper And Hawkeye] # Oh, when I die #
- #And it won't be long # - #And it won't be long #
- #And you're gonna be sorry # - #And you're gonna be sorry #
- #That you treated me wrong # - #That you treated me wrong #
- #Yeah, you're gonna be sorry # - # Oh, you're gonna be sorry #
- #That you treated me bad # - #That you treated me bad #
[Simultaneously] #And if there's an afterlife, I'll go, then I'll be glad #
- # Ha, ha, ha, ha # - # Ha, ha, ha, ha #
- # Ho, ho, ho, ho # - # Ho, ho, ho, ho #
- #Talk it, talk it, talk it # - #Talk it, talk it, talk it #
- # Shake it, shake it, shake it # - # Shake it, shake it, shake it #
## [Continues, Indistinct, Fades Out]