- Where's that Joe Buck? - Where's that Joe Buck?
Where's that Joe Buck?
Where is our Joe Buck? Look at this crap!
Yeah, where's that Joe Buck?
- Where's that Joe Buck? - Where's that Joe Buck?
You're due here at 4:00.
You know what you can do with them dishes.
And if you ain't man enough to do it for yourself,
I'd be happy to oblige.
I really would.
- How ya doin', Ralph? - Hey.
Four o'clock. 4:00 to midnight. That's when you're due here.
Mr. Epperson, I wonder if you could have a word with me for a second?
What the hell you doin' in that getup?
Grab an apron and clean up that crap back there.
Yeah, he knows what the hell he can do with that crap.
- Ain't you comin' to work? - I guess not, Ralph.
Hell, I just come to collect my pay, tell you all I'm headin' up East.
You're headin' up East?
Yeah, I thought I'd say good-bye to you.
Just come to look around a little bit, you know.
Cups!
Well...
good-bye.
Good-bye.
What are you gonna do back East?
There's a lot of rich women back there, Ralph, beggin' for it. Payin' for it too.
- Yeah? - Yeah, hell, yeah.
And the men, they're mostly tutti-fruttis.
Oh, I bet you it's a mess back there.
- So I gonna cash in on some of that. Right? - I don't know.
I don't know nothin' about it.
Hell, what do I got to stay around here for? I got places to go. Right?
Oh.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, lower.
That's real...
nice, honey.
Sure is a powerful mother, ain't it?
Yeah, sure is a powerful mother.
This is the shooting season.
So now is the time to go to Lloyd's Discount Store
for all ofyourgun supplies.
Listen to these values. Remington shotgun for only 72.47...
You look real nice, lover boy. Real nice.
Make your oldgrandma proud.
You're gonna be the best-lookin' cowboy in the whole parade.
You'll be the best-lookin' one there.
Bye, honey.
I'll leave a TVdinner in the fridge.
Your oldgrandma got herselfa new beau.
Bye now.
Excuse me, mister.
Excuse me, but do you have another piece of gum for her?
Oh, yes, ma'am, I do. Here.
Take one for yourself too.
Thank you, no. It's just till the Dramamine works.
She gets carsick.
I only get carsick on boats.
But it seems to me that's more the fish smell than the bouncin'.
- How far you headed? - Shh.
- To Dallas. - Up Dallas, are ya?
Where you goin'?
I'm headin' on up New York City, ma'am.
Mmm.
Do you love me, Joe?
Do you love me?
You're the only one, Joe.
You're... You're the only one.
You're better, Joe. You're better than the rest of them.
You're better than any of them, Joe.
You love me, Joe? You're better than all of them.
You're the best, Joe.
Love me, Joe.
Joe! Joe?
Joe.
Do you love me, Joe?
Do you love me?
Love me.
You're the only one, Joe.
You're the only one.
You're the best, Joe.
You're the best.
...consecutive broadcast of The Sunshine Hour.
Oh, yes, sweet Jesus! I tell you, faith healin'.
I got a letter here from a sister enclosing ten dollars
and two malignant tumors she coughed up during last week's prayer meeting on the air.
Praise Jesus!
Now, before we join in prayer for this poor sister,
Jesus wants to know how many sent in five dollars
for their home worship kit containing prayer shawl...
- You want a cigarette, sir? - No, thanks. Chew tobacco.
Sing along with Sister Rosella.
You throw in Sister Rosella, you got a deal. Right, old-timer?
You ever run into a cowhand by the name of Woodsy Niles?
Woodsy Niles, sir?
Not to my knowledge.
Friend of my grandma, Sally Buck.
I want it on.
77 Radio in New York. This is Ron Lundy, love.
This is WABC. And now...
That's New York talkin' there, ma'am.
- Let's ask some of the ladies here. - Hear that?
Ma'am, what is your ideal in a man?
My ideal is Gary Cooper, but he's dead.
Thank you. Ma'am, what is your ideal in a man?
A man who takes pride in his appearance.
Kindly consideration first.
Tall. Definitely tall.
Someone I can talk to in bed.
A good sense of humor. Not afraid of sex.
A Texas oilman.
Aggressiveness.
Outdoor type.
A rebel.
Young.
You.
Yahoo!
Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
Thank you.
Shit.
...grand time talking to Mrs. Drevin,
who's going to give us her remedy for insomnia.
Gosh, I sure will. It's pretty unusual, but anyway...
You know what I do? I move furniture around.
So help me. Everything but the sofa, you know?
- And that's my remedy for insomnia. - Isn't that marvelous?
My remedy is, ma'am, you just dial the hotel here, ask for Joe Buck.
- I iron my husband's shirts. - Joe Buck.
...on The American Exchange, brought to you by Morgan Vandercook.
Up your income with sound investment...
Up your income, lady.
20 and 7/8ths, up one and 5/8ths.
22 and a half, up one and 3/8ths.
Mohawk Data Science is 64 and 5/8ths, down one and 1/8th.
six, up one half.
Loews Theater warrants 34, up one and a half.
four and 1/16th, up 1/8th.
All the dealing before the Dow Jones Industrial A verage closed, up 6.25...
Beg your pardon, ma'am.
I'm new here in town, just in from Texas, you know,
and I'm lookin' for the Statue of Liberty.
Ma'am?
Were you serious? About the Statue of Liberty?
Oh, yes, ma'am. I mean business.
I'm sorry. I...
Well, the Statue of Liberty.
Well, I think you take the Seventh Avenue subway.
- No, wait a minute now... - You sure are a pretty lady.
You're not looking for the Statue of Liberty at all.
No, ma'am, I ain't.
Why, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Come on, Baby. Do it for Mama.
Come on, Baby. Mama's tired.
Baby, come on.
Do it for Mama.
Hey, you little old dog. How you doin' there, scutter?
They got you all gussied up for some damn thing, ain't they?
Uh, pardon me, ma'am.
Uh, I'm brand-spankin'- new in this here town,
and I was hopin' to get a look at the Statue of Liberty.
- Hopin' to get a look at what? - Uh, Statue of Liberty.
It's up in Central Park taking a leak.
If you'll hurry up, you'll catch the supper show.
He's picking something up for me.
Hi. I just got your message.
- How do you feel? - Don't ask.
Oh, I had such a head. I loved your friend Mr. Needleman.
- The last of the great King Midases. - You ain't kiddin', baby.
Go, go, go. My God, I was exhausted.
It was beautiful, Maury, but... Oh, God! Stop!
- I'd die from that! - Who's there? Who you talkin' to?
No, I was just talkin' to Baby.
Baby? What baby?
- I was talking to the dog, Maury! - Thatgoddamn dog.
Please. You're annoying me. Don't start up again.
- I'm annoying you? - Here, look.
Why don't you say hello to Baby, huh?
Baby wants to say hello to you, Daddy.
I don't wanna say hello to the dog, but... Oh, sh... Christ.
- Cass! - Go ahead.
- Daddy wants to say hello to you, Baby. - Hello, Baby. Hello, Baby.
Hello, you goddamn dog.
Bow-wow-wow, Baby. Bow-wow-wow.
- Am I gonna see you tonight? - Where do you wanna eat?
Wherever you say.
- Just you and me. No Needleman. - Hey, that's great.
- Catch an early supper at Lindy's. - What time?
Like 5:30. We don't have to rush.
My wife's away. Her mother's sick.
Beautiful, baby.
I can stay all night, Cass.
How 'bout a little kiss?
You got it.
A big wet one till I see ya.
Hey! Hey, hold it, baby.
Save some of that for tonight, okay?
- Love you. - Love you.
Love you, Cass.
Welcome to State Lines, the new telephone pun game.
In our isolation booths...
Is it because I'm a stable hand?
One, two. One, two.
- And rest. How you feeling? - Oh, wow!
Do you think God is dead?
Suppose we just don't talk about it anymore.
One...
What would you say if I wanted to take my mother along?
Oh, my God!
It even makes black whiter.
- Bring your knees up. - Come on out. And they're...
Ho-ho-ho!
Whoo-hoo!
Hey, Cass. You know what you got here?
You got yourself a damn penthouse.
Real damn penthouse, Cass.
Don't look, baby.
Mmm!
Knock off a couple of pounds here and there and I'd really be a gorgeous chick.
Right, Baby?
Ugh! Don't touch, for God sakes. I'm late already.
What time is it?
Oh, my God!
Straighten out the bed for me, will ya, Tex.
Say, Cass.
I sure have enjoyed bein' here.
I believe it's as fine a time as I've ever had in my damn life.
Me too, lover.
Well, that's good. It is, 'cause, uh...
Well, hell, the way you make me feel so damn at home here,
I almost hate to bring up business.
Yeah, it's murder, isn't it? What line are you in, sweetie?
Zip me up, will ya, Tex?
Maury's always complaining about his ulcers.
Yeah, well, I don't know what line Maury's in,
but, uh, myself, now, I'm, uh, kinda a hustler.
Well, a person's gotta make a living.
Uh, pardon me, ma'am?
I said, "A person's gotta make a living."
Are you sure you heard what I said?
Sorry, Tex. My mind isn't all here.
I don't wanna be late for my date with Maury.
Listen, sweetie, why don't you run along and, um, take the number.
And we're gonna get in touch with each other real soon. Aren't we?
Would you believe that?
I forgot to get to the bank, and now it's too late.
Listen, I have to take a taxi. I need a few bucks.
I hate to ask you, but you're such a doll.
You know, Cass, that's a funny thing, you mentioning money,
'cause I was just about to ask you for some.
You were gonna ask me for money? Huh?
Well, hell, why do you think I come all the way up here from Texas for?
You were gonna ask me for money.
Who the hell do you think you're dealing with?
Some old slut on 42nd Street?
In case you didn't happen to notice it,
you big Texas longhorn bull,
I'm one hell of a gorgeous chick!
- Well, now, Cass, take it easy now. - You heard it. At 28 years old.
You think you can come up here and pull this kind of crap up here?
- Well, you're out of your mind! - Cass, now, come on now.
I could kill you with my bare hands! Will ya get outta here!
Will you get outta here!
Oh, Cass, honey.
Cass, come on now.
Cass... Hey, Cass. You think I meant that?
Would I be after you for money with a wad like I've got ridin' on my hip?
Now, come on. You stop your cryin'. You are one gorgeous chick.
Guy gets horny just lookin' at you. How much you want for that damn taxi?
How much you want now? Five?
Ten? You want ten?
Twenty?
There you go, girl.
Terrific shirt.
- Are you speakin' to me? - I was just admiring that colossal shirt.
I mean, that is one hell of a shirt.
I'll bet you paid a pretty price for it. Am I right?
- Oh, I ain't cheap. - Yeah. Birds.
- I say it's an all-right shirt. - I like birds.
I don't like to have a lot of, you know, cheap stuff on my back.
- Sure. - Hi, cowboy.
Got a cigarette?
Hey, sweetheart.
More goddamn faggots in this town.
- Oh, kiss it, Ratso! - Up yours.
You gotta watch out for that.
Hey, you really know the ropes. Damn. I wish I'd bumped into you before.
I'm Joe Buck from Texas.
Enrico Rizzo, from the Bronx.
And I'm gonna buy you a drink. What the hell you think of that?
- Don't mind if I do. - Bartender, drinks all around.
And one for my friend here too.
I know when I give satisfaction. I give her satisfaction.
I mean, you see what I'm getting at here?
She's got a penthouse up there
with a color TV and more goddamn diamonds than an archbishop.
And she busts out bawlin' when I ask her for money.
- For what? - For money.
Wait a minute. Money for what?
Well, hell, I'm a hustler. You didn't know that?
How am I supposed to know that? You gotta tell a person these things.
- I'm a hustler. - Shh.
All right. You're a hustler.
But, I mean, your pickin' up trade on the street like that, that's nowhere.
I mean, you gotta get yourself some kind of management.
I think you put your finger on it.
You know what you need?
You need my friend O'Daniel.
He operates the biggest stable in town.
In fact, in the whole goddamn metropolitan area.
It's stupid, a stud like you paying.
You don't wanna be stupid. I mean, I understand.
A dame starts cryin', I'd cut my heart out for her.
I'd call that a very minor operation.
In fact, you just sit comfy
and I'll cut it out with my fingernail file, Ratso.
The name's Rizzo.
That's what I said. Ratso.
- Hey. You heard him. - That's all right, Joe.
I mean, you know, I'm used to these types
that get their kicks pickin' on cripples.
- The sewer's full of them. - I wanna ask you one question, cowboy.
If you're sitting over here, and he's sitting all the way over there,
then how's he gonna get his hand into your pocket?
- Well, suppose you let me work... - Oh, but I guess he's got that all figured out.
Good night, sweets.
Faggot.
- Provolone. - Faggot.
Look, with these gals that wanna buy it,
most of them are old and dignified.
Social register types. You know what I mean?
They can't be trottin' down to Times Square to pick out the merchandise.
They gotta have some kind of a middleman.
That's where O'Daniel comes in. You know what I mean?
Hey, I'm walkin' here!
I'm walkin' here!
- Up yours, you son of a bitch! - Get out of the way!
You don't talk to me that way! Get outta here!
Don't worry about that.
Actually, that ain't a bad way to pick up insurance.
It's crazy, a stud like you paying that dame that you told me about double sawbucks.
You know, with proper management,
you could be takin' home $50, maybe $100 a day, easy.
Hey, Brucie. Hang in there, baby.
What's that?
Him I placed with O'Daniel about two weeks ago.
He ain't much of a stud either, from what I hear.
All right, all right.
Hey, horse.
How about you take me to meet this Mr. O'Diddleburg right now?
- What do you say about that? - Well, Joe, you're a nice guy.
And I'd be doin' both of youse a favor. But, you know, for what?
What am I draggin' my bum leg around town for, you know?
Tomorrow, some peach like that is liable to be scratching your back over there at the Plaza.
And where am I gonna be, you know? Where?
H-Hold on. Hold it right there. You think I'm that kind of a son of a bitch?
Well, you just name your cut.
Whatever you want, you got it right now. I swear.
It's all right.
What you want? Five? Ten?
What, are you kidding me? You know what? I'd "ax" somebody else.
- There's ten right there. - All right, all right. Forget it.
I'll take the ten.
But when I take you over to see Mr. O'Daniel,
I'm gonna have to have another ten just to cover expenses. All right?
- Uh... - Come on.
I'll buy youse coffee. On me.
Get outta here. Come on. Bunch of creeps. Go to work.
He needs you right now. Tonight.
I got his tongue hangin' out.
He... His name is Joe Buck. He's a cowboy.
He just, uh... Just came in from Texas. He, uh... Very new to the city.
He don't quite know the ropes.
But he's very promising material, sir, if you know what I mean.
Fabulous. Right away.
What's your, uh, room number there again, sir?
Right. Okay.
901. You got it? Hey, hold it a second, will ya?
Let's see how you look.
Fine. Fine.
You look fine.
Uh, think I could have that other ten now?
Where can I reach you?
'Cause I'm gon' make this thing right with you soon as I get me set up.
- Forget it. - I mean it, damn it. Where do you live?
Uh, it's the Sherry-Netherlands Hotel.
Chevy-Netherlands Hotel. Chevy-Netherlands Hotel.
Hurry up now. Get your ass in there. He's waitin'. Go ahead.
Come on. What, are you on vacation?
Don't close the doors on me. What's the matter with you?
You must be Joe Buck.
Yes, sir, I am.
Come on in. Let's take a look at you.
Turn round. Turn round.
Good, strong back. You're gonna need it.
Yeah.
So you want help, eh?
Yeah. Sit down, sit down. Relax.
Yeah.
Cowboy, eh?
Uh, w-well, sir, I... I ain't a for-real cowboy.
But I am one hell of a stud!
Take it easy, boy.
Seems to me you're different from most of the boys that come to me.
Most of those boys are troubled and confused.
I'd say you know exactly what you want.
- You bet I do, sir. - Yeah.
But I'll bet you got one thing in common with those other boys.
I'll bet you're lonesome.
Well, not too.
I mean, a little.
Yeah.
Lonesome!
"I'm lonesome, so I'm a drunk."
- "I'm lonesome, so I'm a dope fiend." - Oh, shut up!
"I'm lonesome, so I'm a thief."
"I'm lonesome, so I'm a fornicator!"
- "A whoremonger!" - Shut up, you phony!
Poop, I say! Poop!
I've heard it all.
I've heard it all, and I'm sick of it. Sick to death of it!
- Yes, sir, I can see that. - Lonesomeness.
Lonesomeness is something you take, you hear?
Damn it, you take it and you go right on with your work.
- I'm rarin' to go, sir. - Yes, I believe you are.
- Cowboy, eh? - Yes, sir.
Yeah. Ready for some hard work, son?
- I'm ready for anything. - Yeah.
I reckon it's gonna be a lot easier for you, Joe Buck, than for most others.
- It's gonna be like money from home, sir. - Money from home!
There's your strength, son. See?
You've got the way of putting things earthy so that anybody can understand them.
I warn you, Joe Buck. I'm gonna use you.
I'm gonna run you ragged!
Whoo-hah!
You're wonderful, boy. You and me, we're gonna have fun together.
- It don't have to be joyless. - Hell, no, it don't have to be.
Say, why don't you and me
get right down on our knees right now?
How's that strike you?
- Where? - Right here!
Here! Here!
Right now!
Why not? Why not?
I've prayed on the streets. I've prayed in the saloons.
I've prayed in the toilets.
It don't matter where, so long as he gets that prayer!
Shit!
Aah! That's the ticket, boy!
Just open your heart a little more!
What's the matter, as long as you get that love...
Don't be frightened, son!
I baptize thee, my brother, in the name of the Father...
And you shall be heard!
- the Son and the Holy Spirit. - Don't be frightened, son!
No! Don't run from Jesus!
Hey. You know that runty little bastard I was with?
No, I don't know nothing, man.
Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Now, what's that monstrosity down there?
That's a toupee for dogs.
- For dogs? - This is Fifi's wig.
That... That's for that dog?
I don't believe this dog. There's something going on here.
Now, really, seriously,
isn't this really a case of conning a lot of lonely people?
Well, lonely people, yes. Who else would do it?
A woman with a lot of children wouldn't have time.
When they have no children, a woman who is alone...
There's a TV dinner in the fridge, lover boy.
Expect me when you see me. I'll leave you movie money.
I think that's sick. Dressing up a dog to look like a child?
- This is in case she meets another... - Oh, no! That's terrible!
That's terrible!
Trying to hold this...
Gold and silver and candlelight.
Wine and skyrockets
and butterfly thoughts that glitter in your mind.
You're special.
Give yourselfspecial treatment.
Need money? We'd love to lend it to you.
Why worry about your future?
What do you want more than anything in the world?
Take it easy, but take it.
Key to room 514, please, sir.
Looks like, uh, you've been locked out of your room, buddy.
- Till you pick up the tab. - Well, what about all my things and all?
Oh, we keep them nice and safe till you get this thing settled.
Listen, I'll tell you what.
You can keep all the rest of the goddamn junk if you just let me have the suitcase.
Suitcase means a lot to me.
We keep everything. House rules.
I spilled some on my pants.
Can you tell me how I get to Grand Central?
Surely. You follow the green lights.
Uh, Officer. How do I get to Grand Central?
You know what you gotta do, cowboy?
Spacecraft to Earth Control. Check trajectory.
We have a malfunction of our instruments. Captain Grace is investigating.
Orbital module has failed to separate from upper stage booster as planned.
Earth Control to spacecraft.
You have 30 seconds before you are ejected into lunar trajectory.
Only 30 seconds. Do you read me?
Spacecraft to Earth Control. I read you.
Chuck! Chuck! I've lost you!
Spacecraft to Earth Control.
We've lost contact with Captain Grace.
- Can you track him? - Kiss me, Joe. Kiss me.
Earth Control to spacecraft. He's in free fall.
Keep trying to make contact.
You're the only one, Joe. You're the only one.
Listen, kissin' Crazy Annie, man, you better drink a whole damn drugstore.
Kiss me, Joe. Kiss me.
Oh! You're the only one, Joe!
I'm awful damn sorry you're sick.
But you're gonna have to give me that money, like you said.
I was lying. I don't have it.
What are you gonna do to me?
- You ain't got no $25 on you? - No.
What are you gonna do to me?
Well, what in the hell do you think I'm gonna do?
What do you want me to do with you, boy? You want me to beat on you?
- Is that what you want? - No. No. No.
- How much you got in your pockets? - Nothing.
You're gonna empty your pockets out right over there.
- Take my books. - I don't want your damn books!
- How much is that thing worth? - No. No.
Don't... Don't take my watch. Please.
Don't take it. Don't take it. It's only a cheap watch. I...
It's not worth anything. I can't go home without it either. Please.
My mother would die. Don't take it.
I can't go home. She'd die.
She would die. Please.
I don't want your damn watch.
Preparing for this brief moment ofglory at halftime,
a basic training as rigorous as the star footballplayers themselves.
Long hours ofprecision choreography that would put the Rockettes to shame.
Musical arrangements, rehearsals, costume fittings.
A production in Hollywood's finest tradition.
There's an invasion ofAmerica going on.
You can spot the invaders easily if they're by themselves.
They're dark, heavy, and have noticeable accents.
Every day they're working themselves into more homes.
What can you do about these invaders?
Enjoy them. November, Better Homes and Gardens
tells you about the invasion of the stylish furniture from Spain.
Come on, now. Don't hit me. Come on, now. I'm a cripple!
- I ain't gonna hit you. - Come on, now!
- I'm gonna strangle you to death! - Now, wait a minute.
Only first, I'm gonna shake you out right here and now.
- Where's my money? - Here.
- You put it right there, boy. - All right. All right. Here.
Here. That's all I got. Here. That's it.
That's all you got?
- What you got in your socks? - Nothin'. I swear to God.
I swear on my mother's eyes. Here. Nothin'.
Here, 64 cents. Go ahead.
Come on. I want you to have it.
It's sticky. What'd you do, slobber on it?
- Here. Here. Have a cigarette. - I don't wanna touch it.
Come on.
Come on. Sit down.
How do you like that O'Daniel, flippin' out like that?
I tried to get in touch with you when I heard, but I was laid up with this cold.
Hey, you want some free medical advice?
You just keep your damn mouth shut about that night.
Right. Fine. Okay.
Fine. Okay. Another subject.
Where you livin' at? You still at the hotel?
What am I doin', talkin' to you, damn it?
Hey, come on!
- Hey! Hey, wait up, for Christ's sake! - You keep away from me! You hear?
You come near me again, I'm gonna snatch you bald-headed, boy.
I'm invitin' you. If you're not located, I got a place.
- I'm invitin' you, goddamn it! - You're inviting. Shit!
The "X" on the windows means the landlord can't collect rent,
which is a convenience on account of it's condemned.
Front door. I don't care. Actually, I prefer it that way.
Keeps the punks and the creeps outta here.
Got my own private entrance here.
You're the only one who knows about it.
Watch the plank, watch the plank. You'll break your goddamn skull.
No way to collect insurance.
Okay, okay, okay.
Oh, there's glass there.
Oh, I've been meaning to take that fridge up.
Get it, will you?
- Need any help? - No, I don't need no help from you.
You okay?
It's not far.
It's just one more up.
All the electric's off. I don't mess with Con Edison.
Just another convenience, huh?
But the icebox will keep the roaches from gettin' in the perishables.
Where did you steal this damn thing?
What do you mean, steal it? It's been sittin' down there for weeks.
- I don't mean now. I mean before then. - Don't get a hernia. You know what I mean?
Go ahead. Just drop it anywhere.
Not, uh... Not bad, huh?
There's no heat here, but, uh, you know,
by the time winter comes, uh, I'll be in Florida.
Hey, uh, do you want to stretch out here?
Make yourself comfortable?
Okay...
Go ahead. Why don't you take a... take a nap?
Would you like a cup of coffee?
Joe? Do you love me, Joe?
You're the only one, Joe. You're the only one.
Charlie, don't you think she's pretty?
Charlie...
Charlie, do you hear me?
I said stop that!
He's the one. He's the only one.
He's the one.
He's the only one.
Casualty reports have been issued.
The American information officer says there have been 429 American casualties.
429 on the death list.
This as opposed to 643 South Vietnamese soldiers on the death list.
Wait a minute. Hey, what...
What's the mat...
What's the matter?
Where's my boots? Where's my damn boots?
Over there.
How'd they get off me?
I took 'em off.
Wh-What for?
What do you mean, what for? So you could sleep. I mean, Christ.
Smart thing for me to do is haul my ass outta here.
What's the matter now?
Well, y-you want me to stay here. You're after somethin'. What you after?
- You don't look like no fag. - What's that supposed to mean?
Want me to stay here tonight. That's the idea, ain't it?
Look, I'm not forcing you. I mean, who's forcing you?
Oh, I'm sorry. I truly am. I must've got the wrong impression then.
Okay. Okay, boy.
Look, I want you to stay, all right?
I goddamn invited you, didn't I?
Well, I hope you know what you're in for.
I'm a truly dangerous person. I am.
If someone does me bad like you...
If I'd have caught you that night, there would've been one dead Ratso long about now.
You understand me?
You hear?
I'm impressed. You're a killer.
So, if I'm gonna stay here a couple days, I just thought you should know. That's all.
"Property of the YMCA."
Sometimes you make me wanna puke, Ratso.
Joe, uh, do me one favor, huh?
- This is my place. Am I wrong? - No, you ain't wrong.
You know, in my own place, my name ain't Ratso.
I mean, it just so happens that in my own place, my name...
is Enrico Salvatore Rizzo.
Well, hell, I can't say all that.
Rico, then.
At least call me Rico in my own goddamn place.
Okay. Rico, Rico, Rico.
Rico, Rico, Rico, Rico. Is that enough for you?
That's fine. Give me a pillow.
Come on. Give me one of those pillows.
Keep your meat hooks off my radio.
Rico, Rico.
Are you here again?
Didn't I tell you once before to keep away from here?
- Easy, easy. - Every time you take stuff from me!
- Will you get out of here! - That ain't nice, pickin' on a crippled boy!
- Ah, cripple or not, I don't care! - Who the hell do you think you are, goddamn it?
The two basic items necessary to sustain life
are sunshine and coconut milk.
Did you know that?
That's a fact.
In Florida, you got a terrific amount of coconut trees there.
In fact, I think they even got 'em in the, uh, gas stations over there.
And ladies.
You know that in Miami you got, uh...
Are you listenin' to me?
You got more ladies in Miami
than in any resort area in the country there.
I think per capita, on a given day, there's probably 300 of 'em on the beach.
In fact, you can't even scratch yourself
without getting a belly button up the old kazoo there.
It's hot. Let's go.
Come on!
Hey.
Smells worse hot than it did cold.
All right, startin' tomorrow, you cook your own goddamn dinner.
Or you get one of your rich Park Avenue ladies to cook for you.
- I'm eatin' it. I'm eatin' it, see? - In her penthouse.
Look, I'm eatin' this shit, Ratso. Mmm, good! Mmm.
- It's good. - I gotta get outta here.
I gotta get outta here.
Miami Beach. That's where you could score.
Anybody can score there, even you.
In New York, no rich lady with any class at all buys that cowboy crap anymore.
They're laughin' at you on the street.
Ain't nobody laughin' at me on the street.
Behind your back, I seen 'em laughin' at you, fella.
Oh, what the hell do you know about women anyway?
When's the last time you scored, boy?
That's a matter I only talk about at confession.
We're not talkin' about me now.
Well, when was the last time you been to confession?
That's between me and my confessor. And I'll tell you another thing.
Frankly, you're beginning to smell.
And for a stud in New York, that's a handicap.
Don't talk to me about clean.
I ain't never seen you change your underwear once the whole time I've been here in New York.
- And that's pretty peculiar behavior. - I don't have to do that kind of thing in public.
- I ain't got no need to expose myself. - No, I'll bet you don't!
I bet you ain't never even been laid! How 'bout that?
And you're gonna tell me what appeals to women.
I know enough to know that that great big dumb cowboy crap of yours
don't appeal to nobody except every jacky on 42nd Street!
That's faggot stuff!
You wanna call it by its name, that's strictly for fags.
John Wayne! Are you gonna tell me he's a fag?
I like the way I look. It makes me feel good. It does.
And women like me, goddamn it.
Hell, the only one thing I've ever been good for is lovin'.
Women go crazy for me. That's a really true fact.
Ratso, hell, Crazy Annie, they had to send her away.
Then how come you ain't scored once the whole time you've been in New York?
'Cause I need management, goddamn it! 'Cause you stole $20 off of me!
And that's why you're gonna stop crappin' around about Florida
and get your skinny butt movin', earn $20 worth of management,
which you owe me.
Signora...
A woman in your condition shouldn't have to do all this.
Boy, you have a lot of laundry here.
Well, it just ain't right, cheatin' from a pregnant lady.
- What did it cost her? - What do you mean, what'd it cost her?
Get outta here. The laundry syndicate lost a couple of coins. I'm cryin'.
- That's it, sir. - All right.
That's good. Sir, where's mine? The black homburg.
- I-I brought it in at the same time. - Well, I tell you, I don't know.
You no have a hat here, mister. You gotta bring me the ticket.
What about that black homburg right up there? Up in there.
Is that... Is that it right there?
- You want... A ticket? Here's my ticket. - All right.
It's right there on the corner. You wanna get it, right over there?
All right. I'll look 'em over.
Keep goin'. Up to the top.
Right in the corner there. The top one.
No, you know, it not belong to yours. It belong somebody else.
Hey!
Hey, you're pretty damn good at that. I bet you could make a livin' at it if you tried.
And end up a hunchback like my old man?
If you think I'm crippled, you should've caught him at the end of the day.
My old man spent 14 hours a day down in that subway.
He'd come home at night, two, three dollars' worth of change stained with shoe polish.
Stupid bastard coughed his lungs out from breathin' in that wax all day.
Even the faggot undertaker couldn't get his nails clean.
They had to bury him with gloves on.
Okay, go ahead. Come on. Take a look.
Don't rush me, boy.
Gotta take your time here.
Get myself primed up,
like I was turnin' on the charm for some pretty little blonde lady, you know?
Then when I'm feeling cool and good, I spin around.
And there you are, you handsome devil, you.
Not bad.
For a cowboy.
You're okay.
And you will be punctual, won't you?
The lady will meet you in the lobby.
Taxi!
Yes, sir. Oh, I think you got somethin' on your shoulder there.
There, you got it. Go ahead. Go ahead.
Say, uh, you haven't got a quarter, have you?
Just a quarter?
- How do you like that cheap bastard? - Let's see what the hell you got here.
Listen, I think we struck gold. This is one high-class chick.
"Barclay Hotel for Women."
Women.
Is this the Gentleman's Escort Service?
I'm calling for, uh, Miss Beecham, uh,
at the Barclay Hotel.
Right. Well, she changed her mind. She won't need nobody tonight.
That's right. Thank you very much. Bye.
Would you believe a whole goddamn hotel with nothin' but lonely ladies?
Score once in a setup like that,
and, Christ, the way they talk, I could open up an office in there.
Come on.
Go ahead. Get the money.
Listen!
Get the cash. Remember that lady in the penthouse.
Get the cash. Those rich ladies write out a check at night,
and in the morning they call the bank and stop payment.
Go ahead. Watch the car!
Go on.
Rico!
Hey, Rico!
Rico! Up here!
Up here! Rico!
B-6.
G-49.
I-24.
- And the next one is... - Oh!
O-62, ladies and gentlemen.
O-62! Are there any bingos?
- And the next one is B-13. - How dare you, in this public place!
Wait a second, lady! Goddamn it, you keep your hands off me, sir.
The temperature right now is 28 degrees,
and the weatherman says it's going down tonight.
Very cloudy now, and we can expect a few snow flurries later on.
I'll give you five dollars for it.
Yeah.
Oh, for Christ's sake!
Hey, Ratso.
Hey, get your ass out here.
I wanna show you something.
There you go, boy. There's money for you.
That's nine dollars right there, plus assorted change.
Minus 26 cents for milk.
Plus five cents for Dentyne. Gum.
Oh, tha-that's smart. Light a cigarette.
Why don't you take that and buy a carton, do the job right?
Where'd you get it?
I got it.
Where you been? 42nd Street?
That's where you been.
- Movies, that's where you've been, ain't it? - I ain't been nowhere.
Yeah, movies. That's where you got that thing on your back.
- What, this? - "What, this?"
A friend I once did a favor for give it to me.
- A friend! - Yeah.
Who'd you ever do a favor for?
You just let some poor bastard freeze to death, wouldn't you?
You stole the damn thing, didn't you? You stole it.
I stoled it for you!
The goddamn thing's ten sizes too big for me.
Wear it yourself. I wouldn't have it on my back.
I'll be goddamned if I'll wear it.
Here.
Oh, buy yourself some medicine before you die on my damn hands.
- I hate boneyards. - So split.
He ain't your goddamn father.
He was even dumber than you.
He couldn't even write his own name.
"X." That's what it oughta say on that goddamn headstone.
One big lousy "X."
Just like our dump.
Condemned by order of city hall.
My grandma, Sally Buck...
she died without lettin' me know.
Who are you, Hitler's storm troopers?
Just because I happened to get out of a car! Would you believe that?
It all depends on what you believe in.
You know, like sometimes your spirit goes up, sometimes it goes...
It goes, uh... It goes other places.
How long did I hold up traffic just to get out? I ask you.
Give some people a little power, and they gotta supersede their authority.
This whole kind of thing is spiritual... spiritual matters.
Oh, now you're talkin' priest talk. You're talkin' priest talk now.
I ain't talkin' priest talk. I'm talkin' about what people believe in.
Some people believe you can come back in another body.
Well, I hope I don't come back in your body.
I ain't asking you to come back in my body.
I'm just saying you can come back as anything.
You could come back as a... a dog or a president.
If I had my choice between a dog and a president, I'd come back as a president.
I ain't that dumb. What do you think?
Maybe you've gotta think about those things for a while.
I'm usually not like this. I'm usually a very calm and collected person.
Really, forgive me. I'm awfully sorry.
I think I'm gonna write a letter to the mayor.
I don't believe in any of that crap. You're entitled to think what you want.
- Well, maybe I do think what I want. - Him.
Maybe I do believe all that damn stuff, and I... and I...
- Do some thinkin' about it, that's all. - Here.
What was that all about?
Hey, lookee here. I've been chosen for some damn thing.
Hey.
- It's a come-on. - Yeah, you know what this is?
This is a come-on to a party, is what it is.
It's a couple of wackos advertising. Where does it say to go?
Klein's Bargain Basement?
You go there and get a ten-year subscription to the Encyclopedia Britannica.
It says "Broadway and Harmony Lane, Hansel and Gretel McAlbertson. One flight up."
- That's perfectly clear, ain't it? - Get outta here.
What do a couple of fruity wackos like that want with characters like you and me?
It don't say nothin' about you.
Don't say nothin' about you.
- Don't say nothin' about you either. - They took my picture, didn't they?
- Give me this thing. - So what are you driving at?
You want me to get lost so you can go to your fancy-ass party?
Wait a minute. Wait a second. I didn't say nothin' about that.
Did I say that? Did I?
I'll just tell 'em. "You want me, I don't go nowhere without my buddy here."
I ain't dressed for a party.
There you go. Right here.
Hey, dog.
Hey, you all right?
You okay?
Hell, damn, you're sweating all over the damn place.
Come here.
You got a comb on you?
I don't need a comb.
Here.
Few dozen cooties ain't gonna kill me, I don't guess.
- Okay? - Yeah.
- I look okay? - Yeah.
Okay, come on. Come on.
They're takin' my picture.
Uh, now just one more close-up of her.
I love everything in the theater.
I would like to die on the stage.
And my hair is fur, you know.
Its tendrils reaching out into space sometimes.
I've watched it touch many stars.
Wackos. They're all wackos.
I think we better find somebody and tell 'em that I'm here.
Hey!
Uh, well, I made it.
This is my friend Ratso Rizzo and I.
- Rico. Rico Rizzo. - Hello.
If you need anything, there's beer and stuff behind me. Anything you want.
Oh, Jesus.
If you want the word on that brother-and-sister act,
Hansel's a fag, and Gretel's got the hots for herself, so who cares, right?
Load up on the salami.
- It's like what? - It's like heroin. Death is like heroin.
- It's nothing. - Have you tried heroin?
Yeah, I've tried heroin. It's like nothing. It's like death.
It's just nothing.
- Why are you here? - I don't know.
Who brought you?
I don't know.
Hey, whoa. Hey, sonny, what you doin' there?
She gave it to me, boy.
Hey, what do you want? Up or down?
Up or down?
Here, why don't you take an upper.
Why are you stealing food?
I was just, uh, noticin' that you're out of salami.
I think you oughta have somebody go over to the delicatessen, bring some more back.
Well, you know, it's free. You don't have to steal it.
If it's free, then I ain't stealin'.
What's the matter? How did you get crippled?
I slipped on a banana peel. Come on. I gotta sit down. I feel crummy.
- What's the matter with you? - Take your hands off of me.
- Why don't you run up and use my shower. - Why don't you take a walk.
Just take your hands off of me! Don't touch me!
- Just take a walk! - Take a shave.
- I'm just going to lick the sweat off. - Keep your hands off of me!
Well, you look hot!
- Guess who I am. - Who?
It's me!
How you doin'? You're gettin' your picture took, huh?
Hi.
Oh, no, no.
Hey.
Let's, uh...
leave now.
Your place...
or mine?
- She's hooked. - Like why a cowboy?
I'd say she was good for ten bucks, but I'll ask for 20.
Why a cowboy whore?
Did you know we were gonna make it?
So, uh, you really wanna do business?
Who is he?
Don't tell me you two are a couple.
Hey.
Why are you laughing, Joe?
- Are you really a cowboy? - Well, I'll tell you the truth now.
I ain't a for-real cowboy, but I am one hell of a stud.
A very expensive stud, and I happen to be his manager.
Incidentally, how much is this gonna cost me?
Twenty bucks.
- Okay. - And taxi fare for me.
Oh, get lost, will ya?
I agree, but for that service I charge one buck taxi fare.
- Okay? - Yeah, okay, okay, okay.
Oh, boy.
Here.
- Go ahead. - Give me a break.
Listen, I don't even know what your name is. I wanna know your name. What is it?
- My name's Joe! - Joe! Ah!
Fabulous!
Joe could be anyone. I like that.
Move over, Joe. Come here, Joe. Kiss me, Joe.
That's a very good idea. Why don't you kiss me, Joe?
Oh, my... Wow!
Too much.
He fell.
Hey, fella, you fell.
Is he all right?
Yeah, he's fine.
Well, if you're all right, why you hangin' on the banister?
- Can't you walk or not? - Naturally, I can walk.
Yeah. He's got taxi fare.
Come on.
- Are you sure you're all right? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Ratso!
Whoopee-tee-yi-yo, boy! Whoo-hah!
Well, it happens.
- Don't worry about it. - It ain't never happened to me before.
You bet your bottom dollar on that.
Where's the matches, ma'am?
Over there behind that thing.
Maybe if you didn't call me "ma'am,"
things might work out better.
That's the first goddamn time the thing ever quit on me.
That's a fact.
You think I'm lyin' to you?
No. No, I don't think you're lying.
I just had this funny image.
I had this image of a, um, policeman
without his stick
and a, uh, bugler without his horn.
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Oh.
Well, I think I'm making it worse.
Maybe we oughta take a little nap...
and see what happens.
- I ain't sleepy. - Oh.
I know.
Scribbage.
Shit!
Now, look at this here. See?
There's an "E" in "money."
I mean, if that's your word.
M-O-N-Y.
That's just exactly how you spell it up there on that big building up there.
M-O-N-Y, money.
"Y."
What in the hell starts with "Y"?
Well, it can end in "Y"...
like, uh, "say," "pay"...
"lay."
Hey, pay,
lay.
Okay, cut it out now. That's enough.
You're cheating. Teasin' me so I can't think.
"Gay" ends in "Y."
Hmm?
Do you like that?
Cut that out.
Gay, fey.
Is that your problem, baby?
I'm gonna show you my darn problem!
Ow!
I'm not.
I'm not exaggerating.
Listen, Marjorie.
You should try it. It might be terrific for you.
Oh, for God's sake.
Well, what night is Phil's poker night?
Well, think.
Yeah, all right.
Uh, Joe, are you available Thursday night?
What time? Yeah, around 8:30?
Uh, well, let me think now. Thursday, 8:30.
Uh, well, I guess I can be available.
Hell, yes!
Hello. Marjorie, it's all set for Thursday night at 8:30.
Yes, it's... No, no. I can't talk to you now, so call me at the office later.
Yeah, okay. Bye-bye.
Ma'am, Shirley, I sure hate to trouble you, but...
Sure.
- Twenty, wasn't it? - Yes'm.
Bye.
Hey, boy. Look right in there. What do you see?
Look in there, boy. Some of that stuff's for you too.
Look. Try that on for size for you.
I got some of that stuff you like to swill too.
Aspirin, Mentholatum, all that crap.
- What's the matter? They wrong? - They're okay.
Only why'd you buy 'em?
While you were gettin' the aspirin, I could've lifted this.
Is that hot?
- Yeah. You want some soup? - Yeah.
I'll get you some soup then.
We ain't gonna have to steal no more, is what I'm tryin' to tell you.
I got eight bucks in my damn pockets. Twenty more come Thursday, boy.
We're gonna be ridin' easy before very long, I'm gonna tell you.
Give me some soup. Give me some soup.
What do you think I'm gettin' here? I'm gettin' you some soup.
Look at that there. That's good, healthy stuff for you.
Lookee there. Lookee there. Soup.
- Thanks. - It's hot. Watch out.
How was she?
Well, she went crazy, if you want to know the damn truth of it.
- Yeah? - Yeah. She turned into a damn alley cat.
- Thanks for the stuff. - Don't mention it.
It's good.
Hey, listen, don't get sore or anything, okay?
I ain't sore.
I don't think I can walk anymore.
I mean, I've been fallin' down a lot.
I'm scared.
What are you scared of?
You know what they do to you when they know you can't...
when they find out that you can't wa... walk.
Oh, Christ!
I gotta lay down.
- Okay, okay. - I gotta lay down.
You're gonna lay down now. Just take it easy.
- Come on. - I'm gonna lay you down.
I'm gonna lay you down. There you go.
I'm gonna put this thing over you.
Now, you stay here.
Where you goin'?
- I gotta get a doctor. - What?
- I gotta get a doctor. - You ain't gettin' me no doctor.
You're sick, boy. You need a damn doctor.
Hey! No doctors, no cops. Don't be so stupid.
- What the hell you want me to do? - Florida. You get me to Florida.
Oh, hell, I can't go to Florida now.
Just put me on a bus. Just put me on a bus. I don't need you.
You got the damn fever. How the hell you gonna get to Florida?
Just get me on a bus. You ain't sendin' me to Bellevue.
All right. What are you doin'? What are you doin' that for? It's hot.
- You're sick. I'm keepin' it on you. - No. I'm too hot now.
Dumb. Boy, you're really dumb.
- I don't need you. You're dumb. - Shut up! Just shut up!
Dumb cowboy, boy.
Damn it. Shut up!
Oh, just when things are goin' right for me, you gotta pull a damn stunt like this.
Hi, Shirley. How you doin', girl?
Miss who?
Well, when will Mrs. Gardner be home?
This is a friend of hers. This is a goddamn good friend of hers.
Now, you...
Well, hell, I can't wait that long.
Too bad.
Well, we all have our off days.
I'm Townsend P. Locke, from Chicago. Call me Towny.
I'm here on a paper manufacturers convention and, frankly, to have a little fun, damn it.
This is my first night in town, and I'd consider it a privilege if you'd have dinner with me.
Anywhere you say. There's a little French restaurant not too far from here.
Italian restaurant? Does that appeal to you?
Don't worry about how you're dressed. They know me.
Besides, I'll tell 'em you're with the rodeo.
There's always a rodeo in town, damn it.
Besides, you look very elegant.
Oh, but damn it all, we can't do that. I'm expecting a telephone call at the hotel.
Mama? A coincidence.
Guess who was being discussed.
Have you got that thing turned up?
Well, why aren't you wearing it?
Oh, really, Mama, this is just impossible.
I mean, why go to all the expense?
- Why go to all the expense, Mama? The expense. - Listen, Towny.
Did I tell you I got me a sick kid on my hands?
Well, he is. He's sick on chill, and I gotta get him south quick as I can.
I got me a sick boy, and I'm gonna... I'm gonna get him south.
Do you understand me? Do you understand me, Towny?
I'm gonna get him south.
What you want?
What you got me up here for?
Oh, Joe, it's...
It's so difficult. I...
You're a nice person, Joe. I should never have asked you up here.
You're a lovely person, really.
Oh, God, I loathe life. I loathe it.
Please go. Please.
You want me to leave?
No.
I mean, yes, yes. Please go.
Come back tomorrow. Promise?
I'm goin' to Florida tomorrow.
That's terrible.
You meet someone, you think...
Yeah.
I want to give you a present...
for your trip.
Please take it.
I want you to have it.
You don't have to be a Catholic.
St. Christopher's the patron saint of all travelers.
I want you to take it. It's for helping me be good.
I gotta have money.
Yes, of course. Wait here.
I said wait.
Here. Don't even thank me.
I gotta have more than ten.
- I gotta have $57. - I simply don't have it, Joe.
- I got family, goddamn it. - You're wasting your time, Joe.
- There's nothing in here. - Get outta my way, please, sir.
Get outta my way!
- No, no, no. - Let go of that table, please, sir.
- No, you... Please, sir? - No, please!
No, don't, don't.
No. No. Don't.
Oh, I deserve that. I brought this on myself, I know I did.
- My nose is bleeding, isn't it? - Now, you gonna let go of that table?
No, no.
Now, are you gonna let go of that table, or you want a busted skull?
Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe.
Oh, Joe. Thank you.
Thank you.
Operator. Number, please.
- Number, please. - Hello.
- No, no, I wasn't calling anyone. - Hello?
Hello!
- I wasn't calling anyone. I wasn't calling anyone. - Hello!
No, I wasn't calling anyone.
Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe.
Thirty-one hours.
11:30 in the morning we get there.
Not this morning, but the next at 11:30.
These guys are good drivers, boy.
They gotta be.
You didn't kill him, did you?
Got blood on your jacket.
I don't wanna talk about it.
If you're gonna shiver, put your blankets up more.
I've been thinkin'.
I hope we're not gonna have a lot of trouble about my name down there.
I mean, what's the whole point of this trip anyway?
You know?
Keep your blankets on you.
I mean, can you see this guy running around the beach all suntanned
and he's goin' swimmin', like,
and then somebody yells, "Hey, Ratso."
What's that sound like to you?
Sounds like they knew you.
Sounds like crap. Admit it.
I'm Rico all the time, okay?
We're gonna tell all these new people my name's Rico.
Okay?
Okay.
Hey, what's the matter?
I'm wet.
You're... You're what?
I wet my pants. The seat's all wet.
Well, hell, there ain't no use cryin' over the damn thing.
Here I am goin' to Florida, my leg hurts,
my butt hurts, my chest hurts, my face hurts,
and like that ain't enough, I gotta pee all over myself.
That's funny? I'm fallin' apart here.
You just... You know what happened?
You just took a little rest stop that wasn't on the schedule.
Let me put you up here.
Hey, what size pants you wear?
Thank you, ma'am.
- Where you from? - New York.
You ever been here before?
No, ma'am, I ain't. This is my first time.
- Well, I hope you have a good time in Florida. - Thank you.
Hey.
Hey, what are you doin'?
I'm zippin' your fly. What the hell you think I'm doin'?
Thanks, Joe.
These shirts are comfortable, ain't they?
Yours was the only one left with a palm tree on it.
Clothes are damn cheap here too. You know that?
Everything we got only set us back ten and some.
Hey, you know, Ratso...
Rico, I mean.
I got this damn thing all figured out.
When we get to Miami,
what I'm gonna do is get some sort of job, you know?
'Cause, hell, I ain't no kind of hustler.
I mean, there must be an easier way of makin' a livin' than that.
Some sort of outdoors work.
What do you think?
Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.
Okay, Rico?
Rico?
Rico.
Hey, Rico?
Rico?
Okay, folks, everything's all right. Nothin' to worry about.
Is he kin to you?
Wanna close his eyes?
- What? - Just reach over and close his eyes.
We'll just drive on in, all right? Nothin' else we can do.
Okay, folks, just a little illness. We'll be in Miami in a few minutes.
Okay, folks, nothin' to worry about.
Just a little illness. We'll be in Miami in just a few minutes.