我一病人落下的 One of my patients left it behind.
我家里也有个这个 Yeah, I got one of those at home.
我总觉得我家佣人偷我钱 I thought my housekeeper was stealing from me.
是身材火爆的那个吗 Is this the hot one?
没错 Oh, yeah.
那她真偷你钱吗 So was she stealing from you?
还没多到要我炒她鱿鱼 Not enough to let her go.
漂亮妞犯罪总是让人左右为难 It's always an ethical dilemma when the hot turn to crime.
该去监狱 可太辣了 They belong in jail, but they're so hot.
我小时候没这种隐藏式摄像头 It's a good thing they didn't
真是件幸事 have hidden cameras like this when I was younger.
我敢肯定我父母 I'm sure my parents would
肯定会用这逮住我做啥坏事 have used it to catch me doing something wrong.
你跟父母之间不太信任对方? You guys had some trust issues?
是啊 而且当他们发现 Yeah, and it only got worse
我跟大学教授乱搞男女关系后更加糟糕 when they found out I was sleeping with a college professor.
-你念大学时跟教授搞在一起 -当然没 - You slept with a professor while you were in college? - No!
我怎么可能那么做 我是上高中时搞的 I would never do that. I was in high school.
你真是每天都能给我个惊喜 You are an endless wellspring of wow.
多谢夸奖 可以走了吗 Thank you. Can we go now?
我们都观察了你爸一个半小时了 We've been watching your father for an hour and a half.
他就光会吃布丁 All he's done is eat some pudding,
玩小强填字 再吃布丁 do a crossword puzzle, eat some more pudding.
-没完没了了 -不不 - This could take days. - No, no, no, no.
这正证明了我的观点 This is all proving my point.
我回家时 When I'm home it's all
就变成在储藏室里撒尿 把鞋子放冰箱里 peeing in the pantry and shoes in the fridge,
可我看他现在 but look at him right now.
却跟你我一样是正常人 He's as normal as you and me.
是跟我一样 Well, me.
我可是到了大学才跟大学教授乱搞的 I didn't have sex with college professors until I was in college.
-可你啥都没发现 -不 我发现了 - But you're not gonna see anything. - Yes, I am.
我发现我爸就是个大骗子 I'll see enough to prove that my father's a big, fat liar.
他什么出格的事都没做 He hasn't done one thing out of the ordinary.
正把冰淇淋三明治当电视遥控器用 He's using an ice cream sandwich as a remote control.
不可能 他才没有 他 No, he's not. He's...
正把冰淇淋三明治当电视遥控器用 using an ice cream sandwich as a remote control.
我的天 Oh, my God.
他真得老痴症了 He's got the 'Heimer's.
太简单了 Too easy.
-嘿 爸 -嘿 - Hey, Dad. - Hey.
-你怎么样啊 -我还好 - How you doing? - I'm okay,
不过我觉得你应该 but I think you need to
去找这杂志社退钱 get a refund on this subscription, though.
他们把整本杂志都印倒了 They printed the whole magazine upside down.
-等等 我这儿还有一份 -哦 - Hold on. I think I have an extra copy. - Oh.
谢谢 儿子 Oh, thank you, son.
-介意我跟你一起喝一杯吗 -不啊 - Mind if I have a beer with ya? - Not at all.
请便啊 - Please, join me.
听着 我在想 Listen, I've been thinking.
我们该谈谈你搬来跟我住的事 We should talk about you coming to live with me.
-正式的 -不不不 - Permanently. - Oh, no, no, no.
我可不想 儿子 这儿的确挺不错的 I couldn't do that, son. I mean, it's great fun living here,
可我还是想回我自己家 but I have to get back to my own place.
抱歉 爸爸 可我觉得你在这儿会安全些 I'm sorry, Dad, but it's just much safer if you're here,
-我能照顾到你 -怎么了 - so I can keep an eye on you. - What happened?
是体检出什么结果了吗 Is it the results from those tests?
那些毫无意义 That doesn't mean anything.
不不 你老当益壮 No, no. You're sharp as ever.
只是出于谨慎考虑 我要去你家 Just to be on the safe side, I'm gonna go to your apartment
-把你的东西都搬过来 -别别 - and bring all your stuff back here. - No, no, no.
你不能那么干 我绝对不会放弃我的独立空间 You can't do that. No, I'll never give up my independence.
老天在上 我可打过仗 注意掩护 By God, I fought in the war. Incoming! Take cover!
掩护 儿子 我们得离开这儿 Take cover, son! We gotta get outta here.
行了 停火 稍息 老爸 稍息 All right, cease fire. At ease, Dad, at ease, at ease.
起来 起来 没事 Come on, come on. It's okay.
-哦 -没事 没事 - Oh. - It's okay. It's all right, come on.
我很抱歉 我有时会被吓到 儿子 Oh, my. I'm so sorry. I get scared sometimes, son.
没事 It's okay.
你何不坐下 我给你做个三明治 Why don't you sit down and let me fix you a club sandwich.
要多加熏肉 With extra bacon?
没问题 老爸 多加熏肉 Sure, Dad. Extra bacon.
对 因为我记得我喜欢松脆的 Yeah, because, you know, I think I remember I like it crispy.
嘿 Oh, hey.
抱歉 Sorry, I always
我焦虑症发作后总是会睡着 fall asleep after a panic attack.
当这发生在超市或者银行里会很糟糕 Sucks when it happens in a supermarket or a bank.
我现在真不知道该怎么做 Well, I don't really know what to do now.
我猜我该问问你是否想谈谈这事 I guess I should ask you if you wanna talk about it.
我不能 太痛苦了 I can't, it's too painful.
谢天谢地 Oh, thank God.
我给你打好包了 那就治疗时再见了 I have packed you a to-go box, so I will see you in group.
-我猜这全都怪我爹 -该死 - I guess it all started with my dad. - Oh, crap.
他是德州的退役海军陆战队员 很严厉 He was an ex-Marine from Texas. Scary man.
那次七年级舞会 There was a seven grade dance
我不太想去因为我那时还有点害羞 and I didn't wanna go 'cause I was kinda awkward back then.
你吗 不能够吧 You? No.
可我爸说我必须得去跳舞见见姑娘 And my dad said that I had to go to the dance and meet girls.
所以我藏在床底下 可他拎着我的领带把我从床底下拖出来 So I hid under the bed and he pulled me out by my tie
然后一路把我拎到舞会上去 and dragged me by my neck all the way to the dance.
我的天 那太糟糕了 Oh, my God. That's awful.
简直就是"浑身是劲"的反版 It's like some sort of reverse "Footloose."
所以一直以来 我都不打领带 And to this day, I can't wear a tie.
-我觉得我快窒息了 -别别别 - I'm feel like I'm choking. - No, no, no, no.
别这样 你已经哭过了 Don't do that. We've done that already.
告诉我该怎么做才能让你心里好过些 Just tell me what I can do to make it better.
给我个拥抱吧 A hug would help.
要是想起啥再跟我讲 Yeah, so just let me know if you think of anything.
我想拥抱一下 帕特里克 I'd like a hug, Patrick.
抱歉 我会觉得很不舒服的 I'm sorry. I don't do comfort.
这是我的毛病 我其实一直都不太擅长 It's my issue. I've just never been really good
处理别人的感情问题 可我也在努力哦 around other people's pain. But I'm working on it, though.
好吧 我能理解 我觉得我可以开车回家了 Okay, I understand. I think I can drive home now.
太好了 那么 Great. So...
-祝你健康 -谢谢 - feel better. - Thanks.
从来没有人不收钱听我说这么多话 No one has ever listened to me without being paid before.
好啦好啦 Okeydokey.
-好啦 够了 -继续 - Okay, that's enough. - Stay with it.
你做得很好 顺其自然 大家伙 You're doing great. Ride it out, big guy.
这是你自找的 诺兰 You brought this on yourself, Nolan.
你爸不是收藏了一整套的手表吗 Didn't your father have a whole collection of watches?
我怎么找不到 I can't find them anywhere.
看了微波炉吗 Check the microwave?
里面全是袜子塞不下了 Like there's room in there with all his socks.
你好 - - Woman: Hello?
我知道你在里面 马丁 我们听见你了 We know you're in there, Martin. We can hear you.
快给我滚出来 你个懦夫 Get your ass out here, you coward!
哇 这里的女童子军 Wow. Don't stiff the Girl Scouts
可不是好惹的 for cookies in this neighborhood.
45年前的 45 years ago.
你们肯定是一排的姑娘 You must be the girls from Troop one.
-你他妈是谁 -很显然是他儿子 - Who the hell are you? - It's obviously his son.
瞧瞧他 长得一副马丁脸 Look at him. He's got Martin's face.
难怪我这么想揍 Maybe that's why I wanna punch it.
有什么能为你效劳吗 And to what do I owe this pleasure?
我们找你爸 马汀 快出来 We need to see your father. Martin, get out here!
慢着点 怎么回事 Whoa, slowdown. What is going on?
这人的爸跟我上床了 This young man's father was having a relationship with me.
在我跟他滚床单的间隙 While we were waltzing in the sheets down the hall.
慢着 慢着 Hold on, hold on.
你是要告诉我 我爸马丁 Are you telling me that my dad, Martin,
一夫一妻制的守护神 一脚踩两船 the patron saint of monogamy, was cheating with two women?
我的天 这下全说得通了 查理 Oh, my gosh. You make total sense now, Charlie.
偷吃是遗传的 Cheating is genetic.
字幕 He's been avoiding us ever since we found out about each other.
字幕 We confronted him and he ran.
字幕 We would have caught him, but he went up some stairs.
字幕 So you were the ones that were calling all the time.
字幕 He's such a liar.
字幕 He actually told us he couldn't be responsible
字幕 for his actions 'cause he had Alzheimer's.
字幕 - Geez, geez. - Wow.
字幕 How stupid would someone have to be
字幕 to believe a load of crap like that?
字幕 He's your dad, Charlie. You wanted to believe him.
字幕 I wanna confront him, but it might be too late.
字幕 I hear he's getting pushed out of his son's window later
字幕 this afternoon.
字幕 Hey, Dad.
字幕 - How was your day? - Oh, not so good, son.
字幕 I couldn't even find the laundry room today.
字幕 If a man can't do his own laundry, what's left of him?
字幕 I guess, I'll just have to swallow my pride
字幕 and let you do that for me, too.
字幕 Damn this disease.
字幕 Dad, sit down. I gotta talk to ya.
字幕 You mean over there on the sailboat?
字幕 - Yes, on the sailboat. - All right.
字幕 - Ah-- that's the rowboat. - Oh.
字幕 Sorry.
字幕 Listen, I got some bad news
字幕 and I know that it's gonna be hard to hear.
字幕 The results from your blood work came back
字幕 and they found some kind of a rare bone disease.
字幕 - What? - I know, I know.
字幕 I couldn't believe it either, but there is something they can do.
字幕 It's a marrow procedure
字幕 that's extremely painful
字幕 and takes a very, very, very long time.
字幕 Oh, my God.
字幕 But here's the good news.
字幕 There is one day a week
字幕 where you're not strapped down to the machine,
字幕 but you spend most of that day in the bathroom.
字幕 So you found out about Elaine and Barbara, huh?
字幕 And you found out about the teddy cam.
字幕 I saw it in a SkyMall magazine.
字幕 Anyone who's ever gotten on a plane
字幕 without any reading material could've figured that one out.
字幕 Dad, I gotta tell you. What you did was disgusting.
字幕 Oh, come on. Barb's not that bad and Elaine's got DIRECTV.
字幕 I'm talking about faking Alzheimer's.
字幕 Why didn't you just tell me you needed a place to hide out?
字幕 Oh, Charlie.
字幕 I've always ridden you so hard for being a womanizer.
字幕 I didn't wanna give you the impression that I was,
字幕 - you know a... - Hypocrite?
字幕 Hey, just because you say one
字幕 thing and do another, doesn't make you a hypocrite.
字幕 Can we continue this conversation upstairs near a window?
字幕 Look, I never meant for this to happen. Believe me.
字幕 I had real feelings for both of them and I just couldn't choose.
字幕 See, Barbara's a diabetic and Elaine's got melanoma,
字幕 so I was kinda hoping God would choose for me.
字幕 Well, he didn't.
字幕 So now you gotta go back there and deal with them.
字幕 Oh, no. After what I've done, they're both so angry.
字幕 - I just don't know if I can handle it.
字幕 - You won't have to do it alone.
字幕 Luckily, your son is an anger management therapist.
字幕 - I'll even mediate. - You'd really do that for me?
字幕 I remember a dad who was always there when his kid got in a jam.
字幕 - Mr. Kellerman down the street.
字幕 - Yeah, I'm gonna do this for him.
字幕 Oh, Charlie. They're gonna kill me.
字幕 Dad, don't worry.
字幕 Sure, they're gonna wanna yell at you and humiliate you
字幕 and maybe even throw some stuff,
字幕 but none of that will happen as long as I'm here.
字幕 - Oh. -
字幕 Barb. Elaine.
字幕 He's all yours.
字幕 Wait a sec! No, no, wait a minute. I didn't... Charlie!