(Bell tolls and horse neighs)
(Snores)
(Pounding dance music)
Look, mate, he ain't done nothing wrong.
Out.
(Neighs)
(Gramophone plays)
Come on. You go stitching yourself up.
Ladies and gentlemen, step up.
Step up.
I, Mercury, the messenger of the gods,
invite you... invite you, sir,
tonight, for one night only,
here, at this very venue, to enter into the mind,
the very great mind...
...of Doctor Parnassus.
Doctor Parnassus!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Doctor Parnassus, as old...
as old as time. Yes.
He is over a thousand years old.
He has the power to empower your mind.
Let Doctor Parnassus open your imagination.
Let him... let him transport you.
(Geordie accent) Oh, my God. Oh, check out the lights.
Check out that.
Transcend the heights on Beauty's wing.
Whoa, whoa!
Check this.
Dave, Dave, haway. Come on, we'll go get these sorted.
Check this out, sweetheart.
Come here, my love, near me.
Come on, love.
Where is he, then? Come on.
(Jeering)
If you must...
scour the squalid depths
with Putrid's brother, Stench...
(Blows raspberry)
Raaaa!
Join the queue.
Only five quid a go.
Bang. Bang.
(Cheering)
You choose... you choose... you choose fulfilment?
- Whoa! - Sir, please... Sir, please, if you will...
- Whoa! - Whoa!
Sir, please, you cannot audition without a ticket, I'm afraid, sir.
- Give us a kiss. - Please don't.
- Hey... - You all right down there, mate?
- All right, Captain Planet? - Get off the stage, you damn drunk.
What are you doing, little man?
He's got us by the leg.
(Cheering)
Ha-hey!
Hey, man, check it out. It's not even real.
Hey!
Get off the stage!
- Mm, that's a nice pair of tits. - I said, get off the stage!
Nah.
I want you, like. Come here, man.
Come here, man. Hey, hey, come here!
Hey-hey!
(Gasps)
What are you running away for?
(Friend cheers)
- Yoo-hoo! - There she is!
Come 'ere, gorgeous. Come 'ere...
(Giggles)
Oh, shite.
I'm coming after...
I'm gonna feel your arse.
Come here, gorgeous.
(Groans angrily)
Come back, you bitch!
(Groans)
(lrish accent) Me nose!
Ohhh...
Oh, my face!
My face! My gorgeous face!
(Whimpers)
(Siren)
Martin!
He went with that cow!
- I'll scratch her eyes out! - Oi, you two.
My boyfriend is in there!
Anybody there?
Please, is anybody there?
Please! Please!
(Whimpers)
(Chattering)
(Whispers) Mum!
Aaargh!
Help me!
(Creature chatters)
Please...
I'll never drink again. I promise.
Honest.
From now on, I swear, not a drop.
Oh, really?
(Approaching scream)
Whoo!
PARNASSUS: You have chosen well.
The path to Parnassus is steep.
The way is long.
But with perseverance,
and fierce dedication,
- the heights are attainable. - (Piano music)
So with spirits high and a spring in your step,
with a song in your heart,
the clouds will part,
the heavens will open
and you will be a man, my son.
Hi there. Come on in.
Looks like you could use a drink.
Maybe just the one.
Hey!
Make mine a double!
Oh!
He won, I lost.
I lost again.
- What were you doing? - He was chasing me.
- What was I supposed to... - Don't go through the mirror.
- Never. You know that. MAN: Oi, you!
Gunga Din.
Come 'ere.
What do you think you're playing at?
Playing? Oh, no, no, no.
We don't play.
What we do is deadly serious.
Gone.
Will we miss him? I don't think so.
Don't worry if you don't understand it all immediately.
Right, look, I want you freaks out of here, now.
Ow!
Sorry, I didn't mean to use that word. All right? Vertically deficient.
Defunct?
Vertically d...
Vertically challenged. Vertically...
Vertically challenged. Whatever you are, get off of my beat or I will do you.
- You included. - D'accord. D'accord.
- Who threw that? - Bonne nuit.
You're nicked.
(Excited screams)
Take a ticket. Wait your turn.
Only 20 quid a go.
Reduced to five for one night only.
Ladies and gentlemen, this world, this world that we live in...
is full of enchantment...
for those with eyes to see it.
Chicken!
(Squawks)
I want to go there, there and there.
- I want something to eat. - Stop going on.
MAN: No. They won't let you, darling.
But I want to, I want to.
- Linda! - You never let me...
Excuse me. Excuse me.
(Sighs)
Do you mind?
(Gasps)
Anton.
Anton, he went back there.
- Just go and er... - I'm going to go back. Ssh.
BOY'S PARENTS: Diego! Diego!
Die.
Die! Yes.
(Laughs)
Yes.
Please exit the Imaginarium immediately.
Choice is not available without parental consent.
Die!
Yeah!
If one of you perverts has got our boy, I won't be answerable for my actions.
- Diego! - Diego!
Diego!
Ah...
W-What?
- She's not looking for him. - I don't care!
Hello.
Voilà.
- Yeah! - Oh, it worked!
Where have you been? I've been worried sick.
One little devil out of the fire...
Wipe that silly expression off your face, you little poof. Get up.
The astounding world of Doctor Parnassus. Thank you.
- Anton? - Yes, sir.
- You know the rules about the mirror? - Yes, I do. I'm sorry, sir. I'm really...
- He was a ten-year-old boy. - I know.
You did well, my boy. You did well.
Good lad. Good lad.
Thank you.
- Good lad. Good lad. - Thank you.
You go through the mirror and he's all over you.
I do it once and he serves you my head on a plate.
Come on now, Valentina. You're his daughter.
Do you know what I mean? And you're scrumptious...
(Whispers) His scrumptious daughter.
Why did I say "scrumptious"?
Beautiful.
Intelligent. Sweet.
"Scrumptious"? Idiot!
(Mutters softly)
Hey, Parny.
It's been a while.
ANTON: Whoa... Last call.
- Hey, Anton. - Yes, Percy?
- What did I say? - Stop Percying about.
We don't have all night.
Bloody kids again.
- What's up, Doc? - Hey!
Don't we love our children?
She's ripe as a peach.
Sweet little 16.
And all mine!
He's come to collect.
I thought so.
He's early.
What can I do?
Nothing.
There must be something.
How many days left?
Three.
You know, you're gonna have to tell her soon.
♪ When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
♪ That's amore...
Will you shut up about food?
We're plum out. And I'm starving.
Oh, Percy, we've still got a couple of potatoes left.
(Anton hums)
- Ooh, look at this. - Hey, that's mine.
Oh, won't you look at that? That is...
- That's private! - It's gorgeous.
- Give it. - All that mahogany, oh!
- Anton! - (Chuckles)
Would you really be happy in a place like that?
Would you?
I wouldn't. I couldn't do it, I don't think.
Well, maybe if I was with you.
Ah-ah!
Sssh.
You're always talking about escaping, aren't you?
Always thinking about it. Always dreaming about it.
Let's do it.
- Why not? You and me. - I can't run away.
- You and me. - We can't run away. I can't.
I'm underage.
Oh, don't do that.
I shall be 12 on Wednesday.
Don't be ridiculous.
Percy, how old will I be on Wednesday?
12.
Ha! See?
Parnassus says so too.
- Are you trying to say he's ridiculous? - No.
Actually,
I'm really going to be 16.
Sweet 16.
The age of consent.
(Small bells tinkling)
Is that you, Scrumpy?
Who the hell else is it gonna be?
Oi, you haven't eaten any of this!
- Yes, I know, I know. - And that again?
For God's sakes, Dad! Put 'em up.
Come on. You're always taking the easy way out.
No, no. Not now, Scrumpy. Not now.
I have something very important that I have to tell you.
Oh, why does everybody want to live forever?
Lmmortality is a bloody curse.
So is pretending to be a 12-year-old child, damn it.
Look at me. I mean...
Look at me. Nobody's fooled.
And I want this stupid thing off my ankle too, while we're at it.
You can't stop me growing up just by lying about my birthday.
Shut up and listen to me!
I have to explain something to you before it's too late.
One winter night...
- Is this gonna take long? - Yes, yes, yes, quite possibly.
Many years ago...
Er... many centuries ago, in fact,
when I was - believe it or not - a young monk,
someone visited me in my sanctuary,
someone I had hoped never to meet.
Someone...
...none of us should ever hope to meet.
(Horse whinnies)
(Monks chanting)
Having captured the wind,
tamed the storm,
kept the stars in their orbits and the earth turning on its axis,
the Chief Steward, lying down to take his rest,
had a most disturbing dream.
He dreamt that a hooded rider was fast approaching on the snowswept plain.
The Chief Steward woke.
(Door rattles)
(Deep rumbling)
(Hinges creaking)
(Wind howls)
PERCY: And so the Steward set out on his great journey...
- Wh4t exactly do you all do here? - We tell the eternal story.
And what is that, exactly?
The story that sustains the universe.
The story without which there is nothing.
Nothing?
You mean...
stop telling the story and the whole universe ceases to exist?
You make it sound so simple.
And you believe it?
We are ordained for this task.
(Chuckles) It's just incredible to me,
that you can believe something that can be so easily disproved.
Oh, I don't think so.
Hm.
We'll see.
PERCY: I will gather a thousand... - So.
(High-pitched whine)
Stop!
...having been brought to the limit of his endurance...
Yet the forces of evil could not prevail...
(Whining continues)
...our calmness of...
There.
The story stopped.
No more story.
But we're still here.
The fire's still burning.
It's still snowing. The wind's still blowing.
Nothing has changed.
Come on, cheer up, Doc.
I've freed you from all this ridiculous nonsense.
Now you can do other things with your powers.
You can erm...
I dunno, you can go shopping.
Have fun.
You can learn a foreign language or... or go on a cruise.
(Chuckles)
God!
- (Screeches) - Damn it!
(Laughs)
A sign, a message.
That bird was a messenger...
from some distant place that we know nothing of.
Oh, I see it all now,
so clear.
This has nothing to do with us here.
Somewhere in this world, right now,
someone else is telling a story.
A different story - a saga or romance,
a tale of unforeseen death - it doesn't matter.
It's sustaining the universe.
That's why we're still here.
You can't stop stories being told.
That's a weak hypothesis.
I don't think so.
Say, you're probably not a betting man, are you?
What?
And that was my first wager with the Devil.
You see, the very first of us to...
...attract 12 disciples would win the bet.
His argument:
The necessities of danger, of fear, of the fabled bliss of ignorance.
Mine:
The power of the imagination to transform and illuminate our lives.
It was a hard fight but I won.
(Chuckles)
My prize?
The one thing I coveted most - everlasting life.
Huh.
Everlasting torment.
He tricked me. He let me win.
He knew that times would change.
And that one day, no-one would want my stories.
This was the price of my arrogance.
Forgotten, lost, alone.
Desperate.
(Carriage rattles, horse whinnies)
We've stopped.
Go on with your story.
No, another time.
Something's happened. You'd better go and see.
Why do you always do this? You always stop in the middle of your stories.
(Thunder rumbles)
Valentina, come here. Valentina, come here.
I just saw someone... someone dancing on the water.
I swear. I swear.
When the lightning flashed, there was a shadow...
...thrown from those pillars over there.
Do you see that? Do you see the dancer?
- Yeah, he's river dancing. - Yeah, he's river dancing. See that?
VALENTINA: That's someone hanging!
He must be under this bridge.
Hanging?
Get a rope.
If he's hanging by his neck, he's already got a rope.
- Get a rope! - OK.
Slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly! Percy, Percy! Christ!
(Thunder rumbles)
All right, all right.
OK, lower, lower, lower. All right.
Stop, stop!
Jesus. Agh. All right. OK.
OK. OK.
OK.
No, I can't... I can't reach him.
Hold on, I'll swing you.
I'm gonna swing you in.
All right, try again.
Whoaagh!
Again, up.
Yes.
(Grunts)
I've got him.
Oh, my God, what am I doing? Oh, my God!
Sir, are you all right?
OK, I've got you here.
Get in there.
OK, put your arms round me. Put your arms round me. Oh, jeez!
OK.
All right.
Come on. Stay with me, mate.
Aarrghh!
You've done it. Brilliant!
- OK, pull him up. - Pull me up!
Jesus Christ!
(Anton yells)
Whoagh!
- Are you OK? - Oh, God!
Why are you fishing dead people out of the river?
Leave him be, for the love of God!
He's dead!
Let's get the hell out of here before the fuzz turns up.
Anton, help me.
- Help her. - All right, I've got him.
Watch your head.
Pull him this way.
No, no, no, Val. It's not gonna work.
It's not gonna work. Watch out.
You don't know where he's been, anyway.
Ready? All clear?
Ohh!
Oh!
- He's alive! - He was.
What on earth is that?
- We'll put him in the trunk. - But...
- What? - The boss said leave him.
He thought he was dead. Come on.
No, no, no. I don't like this.
This just doesn't... It's none of our business.
What do you suggest, that we leave him on the side of the road?
Definitely. Let's go.
All right.
Careful.
PERCY: Anton, come on! - Percy!
Percy, you dropped these.
PERCY: Giddy up!
Val! Val, come on!
Jump up.
(Grunts)
(Groans)
(Gasps)
(Coughs)
Hey, you!
I suppose somebody saves your life every day of the week.
What?
Is it too much of a bother for a mere thank you?
Who are you?
Percival St Antoine della Touraine et Sansepolcro da Piemonte III.
And if that seems too difficult, you can call me Percy.
Where the hell are we?
Geographically, in the northern hemisphere, socially, on the margins,
and narratively, with some way to go.
And your name is?
Uh...
I can't remember.
That's frigging handy!
Any credit cards?
Are you trying to rob me?
What are you doing?
With your name on them.
Oh, right, er...
Where's my wallet? Where's my phone? What have you done with it?
- Don't look at us. - Who are you?
He doesn't remember.
Listen, er... whoever you people are, and whatever it is you get up to,
I'm cool with it.
I won't tell anyone about it and er...
I'm gonna go now, all right?
(Musical ringtone)
It's probably for you.
Oh.
Here's my phone.
WOMAN: There you are.
What are you doing? What are you doing?
(Woman speaks Russian)
Pity.
I speak Russian.
Oh, hello.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's just I feel...
I think I need a place to gather my thoughts for a little bit.
Sorry, mate. Sorry, mate.
Thank you for that but you can't stay.
- Why not? - (Coughs)
What do you mean? Look at him.
We... We don't know who he is.
We don't know what he's done.
Listen, I haven't done anything, mate.
- All right? - Oh, right.
I understand where you're coming from, but understand where I'm coming from.
I don't know my name. You know, I don't know how I got here.
I don't know who you are or who she is, and I certainly don't know what that is.
You know?
The last thing I remember is being whacked in the head,
waking up in that box, in the back of this... whatever the hell this thing is.
And I just... I just...
(Coughs)
(Groans) Oh, my head!
What the hell's going on here?
I told you to leave him. He was dead.
Well, he isn't and we didn't.
ANTON: We found him hanging under the bridge, sir.
- Hanging? - Yeah.
By his neck till dead, if we had any sense.
We found these in his pockets. Two of these.
The Hanged Man.
Scrumpy, get out of my way.
No.
Signs are all clear.
And those marks!
- I recognise them. - What marks?
You've been sent by Mr Nick, haven't you?
- Mr Nick? - I knew it. You know his name.
No.
He's got a proposition for me, hasn't he?
A new wager, perhaps,
or another twist in the game?
He can't help himself, can he?
Thank God! Thank God for that!
VALENTINA: Dad says you should work.
Help focus your mind.
I don't know, it might bring your memory back.
Ah, here we are. Try this.
Thanks.
(Gramophone plays)
You can help out front.
Sell tickets or something like that.
What do you think?
Hm?
OK.
So... no name
and now no face?
The mystery thickens.
PARNASSUS: Get your grubby hands...
All right. That's not necessary.
- Valentina, we got a problem. - So strange.
Just a complete blank, you know.
PARNASSUS: I can dress myself.
Let me go, I said!
Let me go!
(Needle scratches on record)
Ow. Hey, come on.
Doctor.
Oh, God, he's gonna be sick.
Aha!
Is your memory less impaired?
Is it all coming back to you now?
What?
Ah, you're bloody useless. You're a flaming disaster.
You can't go on. You're drunk.
I'm not drunk! I'm grumpy... Scrumpy.
(Clattering)
Er...
(Mutters softly)
ANTON: L-L-Ladies and gentlemen,
raise your sights for one night only.
Encounter...
Percy, where's George gone?
...the majesty, the beauty, the miracle that's in each...
- (Percy blows raspberry) - Anton, where's George?
Who... Who's George?
I thought we should give him a name.
All right, that's cute.
Saint George, in fact. To be precise. Well, hello there, darling.
Oh, that's a lovely scarf. It matches those lovely eyes of yours.
Well, actually, I'm here to sell a show. Want to see a magic show?
Thank God for that. Not a single customer.
- I'm closing up. - Let's do that.
- He's never not done a show before. - (Whistling)
- All right. - N-n-n-no.
No, what are you doing?
I'm doing my job, mate. Now, come on, do yours.
Do yours. Go juggle. You're doing your thing, you look beautiful.
OK. Ladies and...
Well, ladies.
I am very proud to present to you the one, the only, the extraordinary...
Doctor Parnassus.
(Drunkenly) ♪ I'm a little teapot short and stout
♪ Here's my handle and here's my spout...
- Urgh! - (Needle scratches on record)
Dad?
This man is drunk!
- Dead drunk! - Oh, that's disgraceful!
- He's not drunk. - No, he's not. He's...
- Got a bad cold. - And you know what?
Despite that, he still went on, for his audience, for you...
at considerable risk for his health.
And I think that is worthy of a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen.
- What a man. - We want our money back.
Every penny.
Well, you...
All right, listen. You can have your money back.
I understand, but I... Listen.
To tell you the truth, the Doctor's daughter...
I know she looks pretty but she ain't...
She's pretty sick, see?
She needs surgery.
So we're trying to scrounge all we can get. Otherwise she's gonna...
That's what all this is about - to try and get money for her.
Do you understand? I mean...
How about this?
We'll give you a free ticket - no, two free tickets -
if you buy another one at half price.
Er... this offer's only available today.
All right, go on.
- What? - Oh, nothing.
(Mimics Valentina) This offer is only available today.
- He took all that? - Yeah.
Have you ever seen so much?
ANTON: That is what lying through your teeth can get you.
Come on, Anton.
How was he to know that we're not gonna be here tomorrow?
Hey, maybe my birthday won't be so bad.
Yeah, maybe it won't, actually.
Maybe with George here, maybe you could get out of this dump.
Go find your ideal home.
Anton.
(Horse whinnies)
George! Wrong end of the horse, mate.
What's the...
(Parnassus groans)
I should be dead.
(Alarm rings)
(Ping)
- (Groans) - You know, you shouldn't drink.
It just flat out doesn't agree with you.
You are so right.
- (Fly buzzing) - You?
Oh, shit.
Oh, well, what do you want from me this time? I'll do anything.
I know you will.
By the way, your man lost his memory.
Bloody useless.
- He's not my man. - What?
No. He's a little toerag named Tony Shepherd.
Just tidying up.
He runs a big charity.
I don't trust him.
- But you don't trust me either, do you? - Oh, just tell me what you want.
I just thought that last night when you were so upset
that you could maybe use a little glimmer of hope.
Maybe you could use a little bet.
What?
It's over, it's over. Finito.
Oh, come on, it's never over.
Come on, what have you got to lose? Look, you could end up winning.
You could save her.
What do you say? First to five souls?
- First to five? - Yeah.
No tricks?
- No. - No, no cheating?
No cheating.
I'd say yes. Deal.
God, I love a betting man.
OK, by her birthday, then.
That's in two days, you bastard.
Do you have any idea what rotten business we're doing?
Things are gonna pick up. Sure as eggs is eggs.
- Yeah. - OK.
- First one to five souls wins. - I'll kill you, you son of a bitch.
Now that I'd like to see.
Wait!
(Clatter)
Oh!
(Chickens clucking)
(Groans)
Damn phone.
- Morning, Val. - Hi, George.
Scrumpy?
Oh... (Mutters)
Oh.
Good lord. (Tuts)
Good lord.
(Snap)
- Food, food. We got food. - (Bicycle bell)
We got bread. We got cheese. We got vegetables.
And we got... this thing. Whatever this thing is.
It's all your fault we're eating so well today.
Know how to pluck?
Is that... is that... Bertie?
George thought doves would be better.
- Pluck it. - Pluck it?
- Yeah. - How?
Here.
That was my best trick.
Five souls in two days, huh?
Put a sock in it. I'm trying to think.
He's been sent to us for a reason. I know it.
- Cards don't lie. - No?
Pardonnez-moi. Monsieur Saint George.
Oh, I worry about you.
Not knowing who you are.
It must be extrêmement difficile pour vous, n'est-ce pas?
Yeah, it really is. It's confusing at times.
- I may be able to help you. - Really?
Yes. You see this contraption here?
Do the honours, Percy.
Yes. Now, if you don't mind placing it on your head.
- That's it. Now, you see these wires? - Yes.
Just hold on to that. That's right.
- All right. - That's right, now.
Now, I just want you to relax. And just think of nothing.
That's not gonna be hard considering...
- Shut it! - I beg your pardon?
Your mouth. Don't breathe.
- Hold your breath. - Seriously?
Just let the energy flow. Let it wax and wane.
Think of the earth, the ocean...
That's very good. Very good, very good.
Yes. I need a name.
I need a name. Huh?
Yes, I have a name.
Shepherd.
(Exhales)
Anthony Shepherd.
They call you Tony.
That was exhausting.
You used to do good works, I understand.
Erm... something about a charity,
I think.
Yes. Erm...
Tony Shepherd...
It rings a bell for sure.
Wow. This...
This... this... It really works.
You erm...
Is there anything else you discovered when you were doing your "ums"...?
Well, I mean...
You must understand this is an ancient technique.
- Right. - I'm extremely rusty, I'm afraid.
(Both laugh)
No. There was absolutely nothing else.
No.
Well, it's fascinating stuff.
It really is, I must say. I mean, can I take this off now?
- Yes. - Is that all right?
- I mean, thank you very much. - No, no. Not at all. Not at all.
Bless you. I have a name.
Charity work?
Cool.
So what was he doing dangling by his neck under the bridge?
Percy!
Is that rude? Did I put my foot in it?
(Blows raspberry)
No, it's erm... so strange. It's horrible, you know?
I just... Everything is just a complete blank.
You know? But as the good doctor said, I...
I was involved in some sort of charity. I do remember that.
There you go. Plucked.
I mean, what a fool I must have been, you know, to think that I could have...
- you know, changed the world. - (Pipe plays)
That I could have made a difference. You know, given people hope, eh?
I mean, what an arrogant idiot I must have...
Hey! What's that? Can I have a look at that?
- What is that you've got? - It's Beethoven, Ode To Joy.
No, not the song, mate. The pipe.
- Oh... - I think it belongs to me.
- Really? You think...? - Yeah.
How do you... how do you know that? You remembered you're a musician.
Yeah, it's a day of remembering. Can I please have it back?
- Are you sure? - Yes.
You're sure this is yours?
- Positive, mate. - How can you be sure?
I just know these things. Can I have it back, please?
Yeah. All right, then. Here you go.
- Er... - Er...
- (Laughs) - Yeah.
- Yeah... - All right.
- I don't know where it's gone. - It's very funny, isn't it?
Can I have my pipe back? It means a lot to me.
- Yeah, I understand. - It's a special pipe.
I don't quite know... OK, sorry. Got it, got it. Sorry.
There you go. Take it.
- Sorry, sorry. - Thanks.
Listen, this isn't funny, mate. That pipe means a lot to me.
- All right? - It's a little bit funny.
- No, it's not. Get my pipe back. - All right.
Let me just look around.
What is it doing in a teapot?
That's what I want to know.
- What is it doing in a teapot? - I don't know.
- Now, thank you very much. - OK.
- All right. I'm just mucking about. - All right.
Right! Now you go fetch that thing.
- No, I'm not kidding. Get that thing. - OK.
- I'm gonna get it. - Right now.
All right. Just chill out. Just chill out.
There.
Anton. Enough.
I'm sorry. I'm playing around, trying to bond.
Thanks, darling.
Just trying to bond.
OK.
- That was fun! - Yeah. Funny, funny.
- (Horse whinnies) - We'll take this one to the back.
I'm worried about Anton. What's eating him?
He's in love with Valentina.
In love? Who gave him permission?
- It happens. - The little snake.
Take him from the streets and that's the thanks I get. I'll skin him alive.
While you're at it, there's the other one.
- The other one? - The rattlesnake.
- The forgetful cobra. - Oh, Tony?
- Tony's another kettle of fish. - Is he?
Yes, he's ambitious, energetic. A man of destiny.
- And he'll help us win. - I think he just might.
(Scoffs)
- Scrumpy sees some good in him. - She's better off with Anton.
Perhaps I should offer her hand
to whoever helps us win the next five souls.
That's an even worse idea than all the other bad ones you've had today.
You're not wrong, you're not wrong. Neither of them is worthy of her.
You're never wrong, are you?
(Chuckles) Percy. What would I do without you?
- Get a midget. - What?
You know, short fellow. A little taller than I am.
Short legs, short feet, big head. Runs kind of funny.
Yes, I know, I know.
Doctor Parnassus... as old as the universe itself.
- Versed in... - Ah, evening, smokers.
Hello, hello, hello. How's your night tonight? Is it good?
- (Laughter) - Is it all right? Had a few pints?
- Let the mind... - Is he OK?
...of the great Dr Parnassus...
What are you doing, sniffing about like that?
We must concentrate tonight. Everything depends on it.
(Clash of cymbals)
(Gramophone plays)
(Laughter)
Let the great mind... of this doctor...
- (Laughter) ...transport you...
...to the world of your imagination.
(Laughter)
You, my dear, I see having a very special destiny.
Procrastinate no longer, you stupid ponce.
Procrastinate no longer.
Oh, no, no, no, a singer. I bet you have the voice...
- Hi there! ...of an angel.
Don't you, now? Now, come on, trust me, you're gonna love this experience.
Hey, what are you doing?
Taking you to the heart of your imagination.
Oh, my God. No way.
Trust me, you will not regret this.
- Go for it, Sal. - Yeah, go for it, Sal.
- Only if she comes too. - Now you're talking.
- I can't do two at the same time. - Are you crazy, kid? Go for it.
- Well, I'm not going on my own. - We'll do it together.
- Together. Good idea. - Are you crazy?
Two imaginations in there at the same time?
Oh, no, no, no. Ladies, ladies, ladies.
One at a time's fine, you see.
When there are two, the stronger imagination will overcome the weaker
and you have no idea what might happen.
- That's really stupid. - One alone is safe. Follow me.
- Enjoy yourselves. - Let go!
- Wait, Anton. Anton! - Have no fear.
Put me down!
She doesn't want to do it on her own.
Your friend is about to have a life-changing experience.
- Put me down! - Pillock.
- No! - What are you doing?
We've got a customer.
- Oh, here we go! - (Screams)
Dad. Father.
- Ooh! - Sal!
Sal! Get off me! Sal!
Dave! Dave!
- Don't shoot the messenger. - Sal's in there!
Get back! Get back!
(Whinnies)
(Cries out)
Wait. Wait!
VALENTINA: Tony!
Come here, you!
Get off!
Come back!
Wa-argh!
(Sally screams)
(Screams)
(Fly buzzing)
Hi there.
Ow! (Groans)
Shit.
- (Muttering) - What were you thinking?
Look what you've done.
- (Clattering) - Jesus.
- Leave us alone. - I'm trying to help.
Get out of here.
- Leave! - First to five.
First to five.
- First to five. One down. First to five. - Ssh. It's OK.
Get up. We've gotta keep moving.
- I know. It's all right. It's fixable. - Look, all the homeless guys.
- They'll eat our food. - All right. Let's do this.
- Jesus Christ! - What are you doing?
- I'm helping. - You made a mess.
- What? I'm... - Get out of here. Come on.
- Percy, Percy... - You're not helping. Get up.
- All right, all right. All right! I'm gone. - Go away.
(Metal creaks)
(Whistles)
Why don't you just claim it all on insurance?
- Bugger off! - All right. I was just asking.
(Groans) Oh, God.
That was quite an interesting crowd, wasn't it?
Just leave me alone, mate.
Hey, Val is a little worried about you, mate.
And she wanted me to have a little chat with you about what happened today,
with the young lady behind the mirror.
Erm... What are you suggesting, mate?
Anton, you can tell me, mate. We all heard her screaming.
I was screaming as well.
- It was terrifying. - It was terrifying?
- I don't understand. - Well, you wouldn't, would you?
You haven't been inside the Doctor's mind, have you?
- No, I haven't. - No. Yeah, you, you, my friend,
you probably think it's a scam.
Well, ain't it?
Oh, no.
No, it's not.
I wouldn't, I wouldn't... I wouldn't expect you to understand.
Not in a million years.
Right, so if Dr Parnassus can really control people's minds,
then why isn't he ruling the world, then?
Hey?
Why bother with this little... sideshow act?
It's not a sideshow. He don't wanna rule the world.
He wants the world to rule itself.
Yeah.
And what about the mirror? What's that about?
- A bit of hocus-pocus? - No, mate.
Tony, Tony, Tony, you don't get it, man.
It is... (lnhales)
It's impossible to describe. It's just a mystery.
Yeah.
It's everything. It's you, it's me, it's us. He holds the universe behind that mirror.
Does "first to five" mean anything to you?
I thought you were supposed to be the clever one.
It's all over. It's lost.
- Finished. Over. - Ssh. Don't say that.
It's never over.
You're supposed to be immortal, remember?
Honestly, it's gonna be OK, Dad.
How can you understand?
Hm?
You're a child.
You've never loved.
Not like I have.
From the moment I looked up...
...and saw her, I was captivated.
A prisoner for life.
(Melancholy tune)
(Music stops)
I was a thousand years old.
How could I woo her?
How could I ever make her mine?
Percy, you devil! Let go. You don't understand.
- Don't be a fool. - Let go.
- You can't die. You're immortal. - Let go!
You'll just end up broken in an eternity ward.
And I'll end up looking after you...
- Just let go, you little shit. ...forever!
No!
And at times like these, the Devil was never far away.
Why look so glum, Parny?
Accentuate the positive.
He granted me mortality again...
and youth and new powers.
Greater powers.
And I won her.
I was so in love.
So in love.
(Thud)
But at what price?
What price?
(Mr Nick laughs)
What's up, Doc?
But at what price?
PARNASSUS: Pick up those rotten apples.
Percy, pick up those rotten apples.
- Ow. - Sorry.
Thank God it's only cuts and bruises.
- Yeah. - I thought we'd lost you.
Oh, sweetheart.
What a sweet thing to say.
Oh, look at you.
I've been meaning to ask you about your father.
He seems to be in a terrible state, you know.
Now, is it a financial thing? Is it money?
I don't know.
Because if it is, you know I can help out in that area.
- I don't know. - Or is it the show, perhaps?
I don't care about the show any more.
Or what about the police? Maybe...
Bring on the police. I'm sick of living like this.
Oh, really?
(Chuckles) Oh, aren't you a little toughie, eh?
Now, listen, you shouldn't be talking this way.
All right? It's very important what you're doing. It's family stuff. You know?
Maybe it's just things ought to be done a little different around here.
What different sort of way do you suggest?
Morning. How was your sleep last night?
You had a nasty bump on your head.
Different? What do you mean?
Well, I've been thinking, sir, that, you know, it's quite obvious that people...
you know, not many people are attracted to the show.
Oh, thank you so much.
Well, forgive me, but I have a couple of solutions to your problem.
One: I was thinking of changing the style of the show.
And two: I would change the audience, perhaps.
- Change? - Yeah.
But in my opinion I'd change both. You know, that's just me.
- And I'd... - Change the show?
Who the friggin' hell do you think you are?
Don't be so afraid of change, mate.
The fact of the matter is, this show, the stage, it's just not...
I don't know what the word is. It's... But you know, it's not...
Modern?
Modern. Yes.
You see, people want modern. They want, you know, like... like this.
See. This here is contemporary. This is what people want.
I know this world. Trust me. All right?
Now, with you and your mind control thingamajigamy,
we need to meet the public halfway.
You know? The right public in the right part of town.
- What about the filth? - What?
- The filth. - He means the police.
Oh, well, there'll be a better class of filth too.
- That will be the day. - Yeah. Listen.
The secret is, you know, not to hide.
Be bold. Be colourful.
You know, or actually, you know, be less colourful, perhaps.
And go places people would never expect you to be at.
You know? Think.
Sir, you saved my life.
Now let me do something in return for you.
Please.
Would you hold on to that?
Scrumpy.
- You believe in coincidence? - No, there's no such thing.
Isn't that what you always told me?
- Everything has a reason. - Yes, that's what I believe.
And the cards. Do you believe in them?
What the hell are you on about, Dad? Is this some kind of test?
Scrumpy, please, this is an extremely important day.
Do we gamble on Tony?
I want your opinion. I need your advice.
I don't believe this. You want my opinion?
- Yeah. - This is the best birthday present ever.
Yes. Gamble. Let's do it.
Yes! (Chuckles)
Let's do it!
I love you, Dad.
And the Devil take the hindmost.
- Well, lovely. - Yeah.
How sweet.
So what do we do now?
Well, let's see.
First off, how much money do we have to play with?
Cos we're gonna need... all of it.
Anton!
What are you doing? Didn't you do enough damage last night?
Anton! I'm the one who wants to run away.
Please, don't spoil my birthday. We need you.
I need you.
How much money have you got?
♪ Ode To Joy
Look, my dear, did you not read our sign?
We're here to give, not take, my darling.
But I can see from your beautiful eyes that you are a very, very generous lady
and I applaud you for that.
Excuse me, but how does this work?
- What does it cost? - Cost? No.
The Imaginarium does not cost a thing. We're not here for money.
- How long does it take? - Well, that depends, my dear.
- I'm running late. - Late, late, for a very important date.
Gosh, I can't tell you how many times I've heard that in my life.
(Sighs)
Listen, can I ask you a question?
Do you dream?
Or should I say, can you put a price on your dreams?
Or the dreams of the less fortunate in this world, huh?
Is there a price for them?
Or are you all in despair at your inability to change what is wrong in this world, huh?
You see, I had a dream.
But I too walked away from it.
You know, I ignored it.
I had no time for it.
Does that sound familiar to you?
Yes?
I know, my dear.
But, you see, ladies and gentlemen, I was saved by a miracle.
By Doctor Parnassus.
He gave me my life back again.
He gave me a reason to dream.
He took me to the waterfall of happiness.
And I was reborn.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I can tell you now, I have been...
No, I am... purified.
- I'll go first. - No, I'm going first!
No, no, no.
Ladies, we are actually solidly booked right now.
Back off!
- But we are taking reservations. - Make a booking. Excuse me.
- (Women all talk at once) - Calm down.
Is that child up for adoption?
Yes.
I want to adopt that unfortunate black child. It shouldn't be working like this.
It should be in school.
- Who's in charge here? - You are, my lady.
Don't you touch me.
Don't be frightened, dear. Everything's OK, officers.
My darling, tonight is your night.
- Do you want to be purified? - Well, oh...
This is your time. Please, out of the way.
But we queued. How come she gets to be purified?
She has been chosen, my dear.
Come away. Trance, Doctor.
But I haven't paid a thing.
You can make a donation on your way out if you feel the need to.
Some people do. Most people do.
And he is in his trance.
Believe me, my dear, you are the luckiest lady alive.
- Now, good luck. - Ooh.
(Chimes)
Oh, this is exciting. This is fun.
There are so many temptations.
Maybe just a peek?
VALENTINA: No, wait, Tony!
Oh, how gorgeous.
Golly.
I say, gorgeous.
(Gasps)
It's me.
(Whimpers)
Thank you.
Who are you, dear?
(Gasps)
Oh, I have always known that you would look like this.
I don't even know your name.
It's Roger.
No, it's not.
It's Barry.
- Barry? - Yes.
How dashing.
Quite.
Oh, goodness me.
(Chuckles)
Just a minute now.
No, no, just a minute now.
If I'm not mistaken, I believe you're meant to go alone.
Why would I want to go there without you, my darling?
Well, it's one of the rules.
One imagination at a time, free from the influence of another.
Boring.
- Don't shoot the messenger, babe. - I'm not going to shoot the messenger.
Oh, look, come!
Another possibility.
Come. Come, come.
You must make a choice.
- Mm. - Actually, to be quite honest,
I would strongly recommend this one.
The gondola.
(Woman gasps)
Look,
Rudolph Valentino.
James Dean.
Princess Di.
All these people...
...they're all dead.
Yes.
But... immortal, nevertheless.
They won't get old, or fat.
They won't get sick or feeble.
They are beyond fear
because they are forever young.
They are gods.
And you can join them.
You are such a wonderful speaker.
I know.
(Gruffly) Get in the boat.
Ah, one more thing.
Look at me.
This is very, very, very, very important.
Your sacrifice must be absolutely pure.
Therefore you will need to relinquish all your worldly possessions.
Oh. You mean this?
Yes. And this.
Now this one.
(Deep gurgling)
(Rattling)
Got it! You're free.
- You're free. - Thank you.
- Bye-bye. - Ta-ta.
Bye.
Prepare to be reborn, darling.
And remember...
Nothing's permanent.
Not even death.
Shit.
I um...
Have you... What if...
No, it's...
Oh.
What the hell just happened to me? How did you do that?
Oh, it was nothing.
- Voilà. - Oh, voilà.
(Squeals with delight)
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, thank you.
That was so beautiful.
Oh, thank you, madame.
You have given me the strength to continue. Bless you.
What name?
I'll leave it blank.
WOMAN: Thank you.
(Cries with happiness)
Madame, you've...
Take me!
TONY: Voilà.
(Sighs contentedly)
Fabulous.
(Giggles)
(Laughing)
Oh.
Oh, thanks.
One more to go and we're free. (Chuckles)
(Delighted squealing)
(They speak Russian)
Whoo!
(They speak angrily in Russian)
Hey!
- Anton! - (Woman screams)
Just wait...
Ooh!
(Birdsong)
Where are we?
Where did he go?
Boss, you speak English.
Yeah, me too.
Hi. Hello.
Today's special. "Reach for the Clouds."
Discover your true potential.
You too can become rich, famous, celebrated.
Using no organic produce or nut-free food,
discover the power within you. Market research...
- There he is! - Where? Where?
...only 30, I'm sure... - After him!
- I'm sure. - Relax.
Smell the flower.
- Quick, up the ladder! - After him.
Quickly.
(Grunts)
Oh!
WOMAN: Reach for the clouds!
Come on, achieve your potential.
It can be you.
It will be you.
It is you!
It will be you!
It is you!
(Angry muttering)
Oh...
Get up there, quickly!
Quickly!
(Screaming)
You idiots!
Aaargh!
Ohhh...
Waargh!
Get up! Come on!
Gregor, get up! Idiots!
I want him dead!
(Laughs)
(Panting)
Oh...
It's OK! It's OK, I've got you! I've got you!
(Wailing)
I've got you!
Kill him!
(Angry shouting)
- Give me a chance! - That's not him!
I told you that's not him!
It's not?
- No, it's not. It's not. - It has to be.
The boss is always right.
No, this has to be!
Wait, wait, wait! He was right. It's not me.
It has to be.
Look!
You think you fool us? No way, Jose.
- No way! - Stop.
Listen to me.
You stole my money.
I will make you die again.
This time... forever.
Hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey!
What are you...?
Excuse me!
Would you mind putting him down?
What do you think you're playing at? You're in your bedroom now?
You're playing with soldiers, with toys?
No, this is a human being!
Now, he's coming with me!
Or maybe we can settle this with some fisticuffs.
All right? Who's first? You're up.
All right. Bring it on, man.
Bring it on. Let's do this.
Let's do this.
OK? You first? You first?
- You first? - Relax.
Smell the flower.
Smell.
OK.
Oh, my...
(Angry muttering)
(Siren)
(Coughs)
'Ello, 'ello.
Hey, boys, channel that violence for the good.
Come on, join up. Come on, lads.
Join up today.
♪ We love violence
♪ With truncheon, badge and gun
♪ Your right to silence ends, babe
♪ When we begin our fun
♪ But if you choose to join us
♪ The choice is clearly yours
♪ We'll swear that you'll be legal
♪ When we batter down the doors
♪ Of people we don't like, you know...
(Woman calls in Russian)
(Calls in Russian)
♪ And split their flesh, their bones, their skulls...
Mama!
(Speaks Russian)
♪ We're the mothers of all fears, oi
(Screaming)
(Thunder)
ALL: Mama! - Wait!
Wrong way! Wrong choice!
Come back!
- Mama! - (Chuckles)
Come back!
(Laughs)
(Gasps)
(Ratchet-like clicking)
(Whooping)
Hey, Parny!
I'm going to Chicago, baby.
I'm driving a stick.
(Laughs)
(Grunts)
Yea-a-a-a-he-a-a-a!
(Laughs)
Ahh.
(Laughs)
Anton!
Anton...
Wakey, wakey...
Wakey, wakey.
Anton... I need your help.
- Wakey, wakey. Help me. - I'm awake.
- Did you see me? - Yeah.
- Did you? - You were great.
I climbed the ladder. It was unbelievable.
I mean, I nearly touched the clouds. I felt incredible.
- I've been my true self. - Who are you?
It's Tony.
Tony.
No, it's not Tony. You're not Tony. No, it's not Tony.
Use your imagination. Huh?
Use your imagination.
Listen...
I need your help.
- Yeah? - You know Parnassus' mind.
How do I get back to those ladders?
Is there a map?
Hey, hey, hey!
So you're Tony, right?
If you're Tony, what's the name of my chicken?
What?
Plucked.
God, you've no idea what it's like to feel, I mean, like a god.
My lungs were full of air.
Who were they? Who were those big Russian men with the fists in my face?
- That's not important. - It is.
- Getting back to that... full body... - You stole their money.
- No, I didn't. - You stole their money.
That's what I heard them say, with my own ears.
- You're going to believe them, not me? - I might.
And what are these? Explain these marks on your forehead.
I don't know. Something satanic... Devil...
Listen, those were irredeemably bad men.
Hm?
OK? And I'm essentially good.
Oh, sorry, Tony's trying to be, what,
- prim? - Self-righteous.
- Self-righteous? - Yes.
- Well, you want me to be honest? - Oh, yeah.
- You want the truth? - I'd love it.
- Really? - Think you can muster it up?
Do you think you can get it out of that carcass of yours?
Just for once. Just for me.
Eh?
When I set up my charity, Anton -
a charity for kids -
I needed money, and I accepted a loan from those men.
I had no id...
I didn't know.
They laundered dirty money through the charity.
I know I was stupid.
I made a mistake...
...and the kids weren't to blame.
They were the innocents.
But I...
I carry that every day.
Every day of my life.
(Sniffs)
All right.
- You wanted the truth. - Sorry.
Are you OK?
Thank you for that.
Where are the ladders?
Will you show me?
The clouds...
Nah.
Anton...
Hey, mate, don't leave...
- Ow, ow, ow. - Don't leave me here.
Anton!
Don't leave me. Come on.
I almost died today.
Don't leave me. Mate, come on.
I ju...
Oh, this...
I needed the money!
When you run a charity, you have to give lots of money away.
The red tape, the bureauc...
You have no idea what a bunch of fascists the Charity Commission is.
VALENTINA: How many more times does he have to say sorry?
- (Tony knocking) - This is ridiculous. Bring him down.
Listen, Valentina. Look at me.
Why can't you see that he has betrayed us and he has fooled us all? It's so obvious.
TONY: Open the hatch! - You're just jealous.
- (Laughs) - It's not funny.
I'm not jealous. I'm not jealous.
Percy, open the hatch.
Why would he wanna come down? He knows we don't like him.
Come on, you guys. Look at this stuff.
Have you forgotten how it was before he came?
No, no, I haven't forgotten, Valentina.
It was so pure. Will you please just unzip me here?
Pure?
And the women? You saw their faces when they came out.
I saw his faces, Valentina.
I saw both of his faces. He has at least two. If not more.
It's my birthday. Percy, we're supposed to be celebrating.
(Sighs heavily)
At least Tony remembered.
Would you please listen to me for one second?
(Three knocks)
No.
Leave it.
(Four knocks)
Let him in, it's... Tony?
No, I think not.
Sit down.
(Four knocks)
Can somebody please answer the door?
I can't stand not answering the door, or the telephone.
Drives me crazy. It's not in my nature.
I won't be able to sleep.
The knock-knock-knocking is gonna be in my head all night.
Just things like that.
(Guttural muttering)
Well...
...you've won.
It's over.
- Four rotten Russkies? - And the girl from the pub.
Ahh, Sal.
She don't count. Do you, Sal?
And that's how you take your pleasure, is it?
Toying with me?
Like a cat with a mouse?
Come on. Sal didn't get to make a real choice.
You were out for the count. It wouldn't be fair.
You got four... So, you know, you get your friend Tony.
Come on.
We're even.
It's not quite over.
(Fly buzzing)
Not quite.
Ho-ho, look at the time.
It's almost eleven.
(Chuckles)
Dad?
What?
Oh. We're going to have to give another performance.
Now, quickly.
Er...
Get ready to move out.
- Who was that? - Just somebody asking the way.
I overheard you. He wasn't asking the way.
Yes. Tony! Percy!
- What's going on? - Not now, Scrumpy, not now.
- Where's Tony? - What are you hiding?
It's to do with that rambling story you started telling and never finished.
What are you hiding?
Oh, you...
I want to know the truth.
The truth?
I am thousands of years old.
I have been immortal.
And...
...I did make a bargain with the Devil.
For that woman, in the story?
Yes.
Your mother.
I regained my youth and I won her.
We lived in joy.
We grew old together.
And then one day she came and told me that she was pregnant.
Imagine.
60 years old and pregnant.
It was a miracle.
But she died giving birth.
Me?
Yes.
Miracle or a mistake?
You're the best mistake I ever made.
And the bargain with the Devil?
There are two parts to a bargain.
He granted me mortality
on condition that any child I would father... would, at the age of 16, belong to him.
No.
You're just telling a story.
A cruel story.
- Why should I believe it? - Because it's true.
Every word of it's true. But... But there's a new wager.
All is not lost. Now, we can win, we can win.
- You'll be mine again. - Enough, enough!
- Stop! - No, listen to me, Scrumpy.
Listen to yourself!
Who are you? I don't know any more!
All my life you've filled my head with dreams.
Your dreams.
You're making deals with the Devil.
What am I?
A pathetic bet?
Another mistake?
- Val! - Oh, she's gone.
- She's gone. - Telling the truth...
Always a bad idea.
Oh, hold your tongue, you smug little pustule!
Get out of my sight and stay out!
Perhaps you'll find a midget - if you're lucky.
Valentina!
Fuck.
Come on.
- What are you doing? - Trying to save your daughter's life, sir.
Save?
How?
Well, I figured I could be the fifth soul.
See. I could take that risk, sir.
You're a good lad, Tony, but it's no use.
We still have time, don't we?
Yes, of course there's still time, but...
You know I'd never ask for anything in return? It's not in my nature.
Well, you're a saint, my boy, you're a saint, but it... it's positively useless.
Actually, there is one thing.
Um...
How about an initiation into the secrets of the trance?
- Oh, I can't do that, no. - What? Why not?
- No, it won't work. - I could do it.
- You'd be a great teacher. - It hurts my head.
- What do you mean? - Too up... Too upset.
Oh, it's not a time to be upset, sir. It's time to be happy.
I mean, think about Valentina.
Now, we need you to be in a trance for this to work.
- Mm. - Can you give me that?
- Well... - Come on. Close your eyes, come on.
Close your eyes. Think of the ocean.
The ocean going in and out.
In and... out.
Yes, in and... out.
In and out.
And in and out.
Shit!
I don't have time for this. Pull yourself together.
This is not a time to be playing baby.
- It's no good. - What isn't?
It's no good.
- Now concentrate. - Won't work.
Damn it, Tony, just... I need to calm down.
You need to calm down.
You just need to relax and try and um... think of... chocolate.
Um, melting away on a hot stove.
It's just melting, melting...
(Parnassus hums softly)
(Tony joins in humming)
Good, good, good, good, good.
Right, stay with me, sir. Stay with me.
(Smashing)
- Oi, what's wrong with you? - Duty!
Truth!
- Oi. - Justice!
- Now, what is your problem? - It's lies.
Just listen. All right now, calm down.
Bloody hell, father like daughter.
- Now come here, look at me. - No.
- Calm down. - No, no.
- What is wrong? Talk to me. - Lying...
- Who's lying? - I used to think it was precious. It's not.
What, the Imaginarium? What are you talking about?
- I can't even run away. - You can't even run away from what?
- You wanna run away from this? - Yes.
Listen, if you wanna get away, I can take you to a beautiful place.
All right? I can take you somewhere.
I can get you out of this darkness. I'll take you to the light, all right?
I'll take you somewhere beautiful.
Just you and me. Now trust me. Come with me now.
We don't have time for this. All right?
Now, it's gonna be a paradise, all right?
It's my world. It could be our world.
Trust me, it'll be perfect.
Ah, now. No, see, yeah, that's bad.
- Did some light reading and found this. - Can I have a look?
- Valentina might be interested. - We don't have time.
- We gotta get inside. - He's a liar!
- He's nothing but a liar, Val. - This was in the past.
In the present, I have to get you in there.
- So come here and trust me... - Shut up!
Shut up!
Val! Valentina!
No!
- Aarghh! - Right.
I didn't want it to get to this point, mate.
You don't believe what you read in the newspapers.
Especially The Mirror.
(Continues humming)
(Birdsong)
(They sigh)
You were right.
The world is beautiful.
- Hmm. - I always dreamed you'd be like this.
Yeah?
And er... well, didn't I say you'd be happy here?
Isn't it just... perfect?
Perfect.
Hmm.
If only we didn't have to make a choice.
There doesn't have to be a choice.
Sweetheart, a rule's a rule.
Those are my father's rules.
We're free.
- See? - Oh.
- Really? - Really.
- Hmm. - (She giggles)
Well, er... I suppose you are right.
Tony, we're free if we want to be.
Let's just let the river do the choosing.
Now... kiss me.
Oh, Val, you're a very naughty girl.
VALENTINA: ♪ When the moon hits your eyes
♪ Like a big pizza pie
♪ That's amore
♪ When the stars make you drool
♪ Just like pasta fazool
♪ You're in love
You know...
...I think maybe I love you, Tony.
Val.
We should lie here more often.
Get married.
Make babies.
(Girl sobbing)
- Well, maybe this is my, er... choice. - What d'you mean?
That's a child. It's not a choice.
- She needs our help. - Yes.
It's OK. It's OK. Come here, we'll help you.
Look, don't worry. Don't worry, come here.
No, no, it's OK, we're here to help you.
- Tony, help me. She's strong. - No!
- Come, it's OK. Honestly, no. - (Girl grunts)
No, we're friends. Come here.
(Shouts in Russian)
- Huh? - (Photographers call out)
- Smile for the cameras, sweetheart. - Lovely!
I think this is my world.
- (Applause) ♪ Ode To Joy
Well, sustainability's great. I mean, if you can achieve it.
The problem in most cases is you simply can't get there.
Don't you risk entrenching the need for charity by institutionalising it?
It's an unfortunate truism that charity, like poor little Olga here,
is always with us, to coin a phrase.
Ah, there you are, my darling.
Ladies and gentlemen, isn't she a wonder? Hello. Big smiles.
- What's your message to the President? - I wouldn't presume to have one.
I think, luckily for the Foundation, we see eye-to-eye on most things.
- Tony, I had something... - Oh, one sec, love.
(Cheering and whistling)
Mr President, thank you for coming.
- There he is. - It's great to see you.
♪ We are the children of the world
♪ And we have suffered for your sins
♪ But if you open up your heart
♪ A beautiful new day begins...
Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding for the President.
Yes, so many suffering children.
So much opportunity to do some good, really. It'll be a big year for our Foundation.
President is getting ready to make a speech, introduce me.
- Yeah. - Lovely.
Talk to you tomorrow. Yes, absolutely.
I've only three words to say.
Well done, Tony.
Ah, the children. The children.
This is a vital moment for the future of the Foundation.
- Children of the world depend on us. - Valentina!
Valentina!
- Anton? - Yep.
- Anton? - Yes, yes, listen to me right now.
This is nothing to do with you. This is him.
- Where are you? - This is his imagination.
Right, call security now!
Down here, under your arm. Yes, yes.
- What... Anton, what are you doing here? - Look.
"Disgraced Director of children's charity, Suffer The Little Children..."
He's lying. It's not right, he's jeal...
"...was arrested last week on charges of stealing organs of Third World children
and selling them to wealthy Westerners."
- Come back. - What are you doing?
- That's Anton. - He's lying.
- Stop! - Whose side are you on?
You, you've betrayed me, haven't you?
- After all we've been through. - Don't you touch her!
I'll show 'em! I'll show them all, Tony. I'll show 'em all.
PRESIDENT: Have had the courage to fight poverty...
- He's a liar, he's a fraud! - Come here, you little bastard!
- Do not believe him. - I'll kill you.
...passion... and dedication... - All right, all right...
- Trying to... ...careers and struggles...
Shut up! Trying to ruin my world!
Stop him!
- My God. - Somebody stop him.
- He's a monster! - Stop him!
He was being a very naughty little boy.
(Booing)
Christ. Mr President.
Fuck.
Right.
Stop him!
Get out of me way! Christ.
Er, exit sign?
Er, oh, no.
No! No!
No! I can't. No, no, no...
No, not good. Er...
I'm coming after you, Tony! I'm coming after you!
No, get off me.
Get off of me.
Anton! Anton!
- Are you OK? - Are you all right?
Val! Val, watch out!
Be careful. Are you all right?
Valentina.
- Val. Val! - Anton.
Anton.
Val, help me.
Hold on to me. Hold on to me, please.
Hold on!
Aaarrghh! Ohh! Ohh!
I'm sorry.
I was so wrong.
Yeah, I know, I know.
But I love you.
Who are you working for? You didn't come up with all this by yourself.
- You bastard! - Nah, somebody's got to you.
Somebody's paid you. Speak a little Russian, do we?
- Valentina! Scrumpy! - Huh?
Miraculous child, there you are.
You old bastard.
After everything we've been through.
How could you? Is this how you repay me?
I can't believe it. After everything.
- And this is all your doing. - Yeah, all my doing?
- How could you, Doc? - No, no, no, no, no.
I'm Felicity. I-I mean I'm the falicitator - the facilitator - dear boy.
I create the opportunity. It's not my fault if you're not up to it.
- I'll forgive you. - (Angry shouting)
Dad!
(Siren)
Wake up.
Dad!
Please.
- Please. - Step back, miss. Step back.
Sir? Can...?
Please, miss. There's n-nothing you can do.
- He's, he's d-d-dead... - No!
D-D-Dead drunk.
- Bollocks. - Haven't we seen this guy before?
- Oh, they all look the same. - Aye, bloody drunks.
I hate you!
You make me sick!
This is to be my choice?
Hold your horses. There's absolutely no need for that.
That's just plain contrariness.
Oh, you really think you deserve punishment, don't you?
You have no idea. You're just a kid.
Huh!
Where have you been? I'm a woman now.
Selfish bitch.
- Only fit for... - Only fit for Hell.
If only.
God, stop. Your pop'd never forgive me.
That'd be a shame.
Let's dance.
Damn.
I've won.
(Sighs)
You know it's... not exactly what I had in mind, you know.
All this.
I mean, Valentina being the fifth.
I mean, she's supposed to be the prize, not part of the final score.
Just doesn't seem fair.
I hope they get that bastard and tear him limb from limb.
But they won't.
He leads a charmed life, that one.
(Sniffs) Mm.
I've been trying to get that bastard for years.
I thought I had him this time, but, you know,
some prat always seems to come along and rescue him.
Aargh!
You know those er...
weird markings that he had on his forehead when you found him?
What is all that about?
Do they protect him or... What is it?
I've never been into all black magic stuff.
I just couldn't get the hang of it.
Can I offer you a stick of gum or a breath mint?
Oh, Jesus. I hate to see you like this, Parny.
I mean...
I tell you what.
If you can get me the lowdown on all those satanic markings...
Better, if you can help me wipe that self-righteous little creep
off the face of the universe...
I'll give you Valentina back.
What do you say?
(Angry shouting)
Oh!
Thank God for that.
Huh?
Oh...
Huh? Oh, shit.
Give it to me.
Oh, no.
Look, I'm in a bit of a hurry.
Now just give us a second, please, everybody.
Oh!
Here's your tube and there's mine.
Mine's a cheap counterfeit, you know. It breaks so easily.
(Chuckles)
Oh, here's another.
Stop!
You're not amused?
You've been talking to the Devil, haven't you? What did he say?
No, wait, let me.
If you manage to kill me, then he'll release Valentina, right?
It's all lies. He can't release her.
He can't release her cos he doesn't have her.
He doesn't have her because she's the prize.
He still doesn't have the five wins.
But if you kill me, he will, won't he?
Then you'll have lost Valentina forever.
Choose.
- This is ridiculous! - Choose!
Right.
That one.
Sure you made the right choice?
Oh, look...
Let's find out.
Voilà.
(Angry shouting)
(Groans)
Jesus! Spit it out, you old goat.
Gotcha!
Thank you all for coming. It's been a splendid success.
Uh...
Round the neck.
(Coughs and splutters)
Hey!
There are three cardinal rules, Mr Nick.
One: There is no black magic, only cheap tricks.
And I forget the others.
Now where's my daughter?
Oh, for Christ's sakes.
How should I know?
You're her father. You're her loving father.
I mean, she is free, isn't she?
Jesus.
(Wind howls)
And the years roll on.
Winds still blow.
Snows still fall.
Fires...still burn.
(Groans)
And yet...
everything has changed.
Is that my punishment?
Am I never to find her?
Please stop.
No more choices.
(Groans)
(Sobs softly)
(Continues sobbing)
(Small bells tinkling)
(Anklet tinkling)
PERCY: So you found her?
PARNASSUS: Yes.
Yes, I found her.
I think...
...she may have a daughter.
You're not going in there, are you?
Er...
You wouldn't want to scar a child for life, would you?
Look at you.
No.
Ohh.
The Great Doctor Parnassus.
You're an utter disgrace.
This is gonna take some time.
(Chuckles) Oh, Percy.
What would I do without you?
BOTH: Get a midget.
PERCY: Let Doctor Parnassus open your imagination.
Transcend heights on Beauty's open wing
and be transported to worlds you've never dreamed of.
Does it come with a happy ending?
Sorry, we can't guarantee that.
Ladies.
God bless you, son.
(Mr Nick chuckles)
Get back to work.
(Applause)
♪ We are the children of the world
♪ And we have suffered for your sins
♪ But if you open up your heart
♪ A beautiful new day begins
♪ To lead us all to pastures green
♪ Where we are free to laugh and run
♪ With our good Shepherd Tony
♪ Please let his will be done
♪ RINGTONE: We Are The Children Of The World