[GULLS SQUAWKING]
- Yo, let's go. - Yup.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
We have got to get a retail space.
I'm so over these contractors nickel-and-diming our margins all day.
I hear you, man.
MIKE: Watch the mirror. - Yep.
MIKE: That's it.
[HORN HONKING]
Come on, man.
[CELL PHONE DINGS]
VOICEMAIL: Hey, pal, it's Tarzan.
Found your number on Google. Hope it's the right one.
Look, I know it's been a while...
...but since we're coming up through Tampa, I figured you'd want to know.
I got some real bad news about Dallas.
He's gone, bro.
[SIGHS]
- Can I help you? - Hi. I'm here for the wake.
There's no wake here.
[INDISTINCT YELLING]
Okay. Sorry. I think I actually hear it.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[OZZY OSBOURNE'S "CRAZY TRAIN" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
MAN: Come on, baby! Woo-hoo!
[ALL CHEERING]
RICHIE: Holy shit, what the fuck are you doing here?
- You dropped your towel. - Yeah, just go with it, baby.
- Hey, fellas! Catch and release! - No, no, no!
[ALL CHEERING]
TARZAN: Nice entrance.
TOBIAS: Hey, what's with this fucking suit, bro?
Well, I don't know. Somebody told me this was a wake.
A wake?
Yeah, Dallas. He's not dead?
You told him he was dead?
[ALL LAUGHING]
We were going to invite you, but...
...we had a couple drinks and were like, "He's got the girl and the job, and...
...he's not going to come unless we really get his attention."
Okay, if he's not dead, then where is he?
He fucking bailed on us. He took the Kid.
Started a new show overseas.
- Wow. Where? TITO: Macaw.
Macau.
Fucking China. Some d-bag investor offered Dallas a whole bunch of money--
Don't say his name, man. Don't give it that power.
I can say his name. He's not fucking Voldemort.
TITO: First time you backflipped off that balcony in the middle of the night.
MIKE: I was thinking about doing it again and then I punked out.
Yeah, liquid acid. That'll take you back to the original self.
No, fuck that shit. I woke up under a car in the parking lot.
White Shadow, meet Mikey.
- Mikey Lane, White Shadow. - Yeah, we've met.
I think she likes you, Mike.
- Okay, okay. - Oh, yeah, she definitely likes you.
Jesus fuck.
You look good, Mike. How's everything going, man?
Heh. Things are good, man. Really good. The business is crushing it.
We got so many orders, I don't have enough employees.
Uh... I don't know. We're about to expand and get a retail spot.
- That's nice, man. MIKE: Yeah, dude, I'm just...
...happy to be running my own show for once.
TITO: I bet. TOBIAS: Feel that one.
TITO: How's the old girl? MIKE: She's good, man. Yeah, I mean...
You guys still haven't told me what the fuck y'all are doing in Tampa.
Today, you are looking at it, brother.
Just basking in the glory of our good fortune.
But tomorrow we start the pilgrimage to Myrtle Beach for the convention.
MIKE: Oh, that's right. TITO: One last fucking ride, baby.
How's that work without Dallas?
TITO: Well, you see...
...Tobias is going to M.C.
[IMITATING DALLAS] "All right, all right, all right!
How y'all ladies doing here tonight?" Heh-heh.
[ALL LAUGH]
That's totally going to work. Do it just like that.
RICHIE: We got a couple days to perfect that. Uh...
The point is, we still got two freak shows, one who can barely dance.
One person of color?
I think you mean two. You're fucking Algerian, bro.
- Armenian, asshole. - Oh, yeah, Armenian.
One snowy white Ken doll for all those good little Christian women.
Present.
RICHIE: What the fuck more do you need? Right?
- Seize the day. Am I right? TITO: Yeah!
I'm goddamned if I'll let my last memory of this business be getting laid off.
If I'm going down, I'm going down in a fucking tsunami of dollar bills!
- Can I get an "Amen"? - Amen, brother!
Make it rain! Amen!
MIKE: All right, let's cut this, then sand it and stain it.
Hey, Mike, any word on that thing we talked about?
Uh...
Yeah. Yes, uh, is the answer, but...
...it just can't be right now.
We need a couple more reliable accounts before I can get a policy for you.
All right?
Yo, get outta here. Go have dinner with your family. I can do this.
- No, man. It's no problem. - Come on, it's fine. Seriously.
- Yeah? - I got it. Go home.
Thanks, brother.
WOMAN [OVER RADIO]: You're listening to the Golden Age of Hip-Hop. Only on Spotify.
[GINUWINE'S "PONY" PLAYING OVER RADIO]
MAN [SINGING]: I'm just a bachelor
Looking for a partner
Someone who knows how to ride
Without even falling off
Gotta be compatible
Takes me to my limits
Girl, when I break you off
I promise that you won't want to get off
If you're horny, let's do it
Ride it, my pony
My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it
If you're horny, let's do it
Ride it, my pony
My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it
Sitting here flossing
Peeping your steelo
Just once if I have the chance
The things I will do to you...
[CHUCKLES]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
KEN: Pack the pump? RICHIE: I brought one for you too.
RAUGHS]
- That's got the brace. - You got the knee brace in there. Copy.
TITO: Ken, you got that Endless Summer Spray Tan Mix?
You know I do, brother. First thing I packed.
MIKE: Y'all got room for one more on this motherfucker?
TITO: What? Ha-ha.
KEN: What in the hell are you doing here?
What do you think? You said, "Seize the day." I ain't missing this shit.
You got off work?
MIKE: CEO of my own company. I take vacations when I want them.
Wait, your girl gave you a hall pass?
I don't need a hall pass, just somebody to tell me this isn't a terrible idea.
Oh. This is a horrible idea. But you can't take it back now.
So get the fuck on the van. Let's go!
Yeah! This is like when Justin came back to Backstreet.
You kidding me?
Justin was in 'N Sync. Kevin Richardson came back to Backstreet in 2012.
Get your Orlando history straight.
I'm not from Orlando. I don't give a shit.
You know who does? People who actually have musical taste.
Backstreet was the only legitimate boy band that ever came out of Florida, period.
TARZAN: And that conversation just happened. Welcome back, Mike!
Welcome back, brother.
TOBIAS: Hey, Mikey! What do you think of the truck, bro?
This thing's fucking crazy.
Right? My buddy Martin hooked me up with his uncle's old roach coach.
Then I got Tarzan to paint it up all sick Picasso style.
Yeah, I'm mostly an oil-on-canvas guy, but...
-...I did the best I could. - Ha-ha-ha.
What exactly are you doing out of it, though?
I'm making artisanal probiotic froyo. I serve it out of this side.
Tobias spins out of the other.
The whole thing's like a healthy, mobile block party.
It's crazy, right? We'll keep your feet loose and satisfy your sweet tooth.
That's actually a pretty good idea.
Yeah. Appreciate that, Mike.
Good show.
Is this, uh, how the whole trip is going to be?
You'll be on this thing the whole time?
Are you kidding?
Relax. A bunch of orders just came in. The guys in the shop are freaking out.
If you're gonna be here, be here.
Be present.
MIKE: Okay, I'll be present.
What are you even doing?
Narcissus is taking pics of his eyebrows.
You zoom in, you find the shit you can't catch in the mirror.
See? I need a tweeze right there.
Shit works.
Mike, come on, man.
All right! Relax.
Yo.
All right, that's it.
- Yo! What the fuck are you doing? -iPhone went "Bye, phone!"
Are you serious?
- Buy another one, you rich motherfucker. - Turn the truck around.
- How do you like that, bitch? - Oh, I welcome it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- That wasn't my phone. - It was mine.
- Ha-ha-ha. - Fuck, I'm sorry. Fuck!
I only had seven minutes left on it, man. Here. Have a shake.
I don't want a fucking shake.
What am I supposed to do? I should chuck your big ass right off this truck.
That's the Mikey I remember!
If you ain't ready to bring it old school this weekend...
...you need to hop up off this truck right now.
What are you talking about? Why do you think I came?
I don't know, man. It's been a long time.
But I do know this. You better be ready to follow my ass down the rabbit hole.
I'm talking out of body, baby. Astral projection!
Tobias, we're going to Mad Mary's.
- Hell, yeah! - Oh, shit.
Nobody messes with the mojo on the last ride, brother.
[GRUNTING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[SINGING] Hot, hot, hot, hot
[MOANS]
Hot, hot, hot
Hey, you guys remember the last time we were in this club...
...and you and Ken were fucking with those two girls from the club?
What was the girl with the black hair's name?
I don't know. How am I supposed to remember that?
You don't fucking remember that.
Come on. Man, you are fucking dusty. Julie.
Julie, man! The barely legal paralegal.
TARZAN: Here we go. TOBIAS: It's getting late.
[ALL CHEERING]
Hot stuff
[HOST CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHING]
HOST: Bonjour, lovelies.
How are all y'all nasty motherfuckers doing out there tonight?
Doing great, yeah!
That's the ticket, Miss Thing.
Now, I am Miss Tori Snatch...
...your host for this glamorous evening of good old swamp country debauchery.
And I've got some good news...
...for some of y'all budding queens hiding out there in the shadows.
I've got four...
...crumpled-up, coke-dusted $100 bills...
...for the best amateur queen here in Jacksonville!
[ALL CHEERING]
Yes. So let's get some Vogue popping in this bitch, shall we?
[ALL CHEER]
Come on now. Young and old, hot and cold, get your ass on this stage.
ALL [CHANTING]: Go, go, go.
You guys really want to go down the rabbit hole?
- So you were listening. - Okay.
I'm gonna go dig it for you, Alice. Let's see how far you're really willing to go.
All right? Come on, let's go. Let's go.
- Mikey. - Oh, it's on.
[TORI SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[ALL CHEERING]
TITO: That's the plan.
Take over South Beach, then the entire East Coast.
Fucking mobile. You know, low overhead, high-revenue shit.
That's how you get flush in the food industry.
WOMAN: What is this? It's really good. MIKE: Goddamn right, what is this! Jeez!
- What am I eating right now? TITO: You like that, Mike?
- That's gold, right? MIKE: This is amazing!
That's toasted marshmallow tangerine.
Whatever it is, it's fabulous. Put marshmallow in my pants right now.
[ALL LAUGHING]
MIKE: You gotta sell this. TITO: Tip of the iceberg, baby. We got...
...kiwi olive oil with freeze-dried basil, C@meBm@e
And my personal favorite, the flavor of truth.
Come on, you've been talking about this shit forever.
Tell everybody what you're really gonna be doing come Monday morning.
[WHIRRING]
Grinding those snow cones at the Northdale Mall.
Yeah, well, that's just market research, bitch.
Until we get the funds to do what we really need.
That's all it is, bro. Fucking hater.
Besides, I think it beats raking the infield at Tropicana.
Well, at least the shit I'm working on can go global.
[TITO LAUGHS]
- Wait, what? I'm sorry, what? TITO: Yeah.
Why don't you enlighten us, Constant Gardener?
Yeah, please enlighten me. I have to know what this piece of genius is.
ShamWow us with your genius invention.
Come on, Richie. Tito laid his shit out. Everybody's cool. Just tell us.
It's us, bro.
- Just tell us. - Come on, let's go, come on!
All right. But if any of you motherfuckers steals my idea, I swear to God I will--
Why you got to point at the Mexican when you say "steals"?
- We get it. Just go. TOBIAS: Let's have it, tough guy.
Condomints.
What are the two most important things you need to take...
...when you go out on the weekend?
Ketchup and mustard?
[WOMAN LAUGHS]
RICHIE: Your condoms...
...and your mints. MIKE: What?
I put them together in one package, like a pack of gum. Sell it at a gas station.
"Condomints."
-it's not bad. - Boom!
TORI: Um, they already have that shit, bitch.
- You can get it-- - Ha-ha-ha!
I get it all the time at the minimart. I'm sorry.
They're at every single Circle K and 7-Eleven across Florida.
I'm so sorry, man.
- They didn't sign the nondisclosure. TORI: Sorry about it.
Hey, Richie, don't worry about it. I got something for you, top secret.
Imagine this. A small, little rectangle.
You hold it up to your ear, you speak into it...
...somebody in a distant land with the exact same thing can hear it.
I haven't come up with a name for it. I figure...
- Fuck you. KEN: I'm so sorry, man.
Oh, God.
Hey, I forgot to ask, you still with Mercedes?
No. We agreed to try monogamy and...
...you know Mercedes. That shit lasted for about two seconds.
That fucking sucks. I'm sorry.
[M UTTERS]
It's like Oprah said: "When someone shows you themselves, believe them."
[CHUCKLING] What? Really?
- Are we doing this passive-aggressive shit? - That's what she said.
- That's not passive-aggressive. - Let's make it aggressive.
How about this? Let's do a little therapy session. Old-school therapy session.
- Get up. We'll get this out in one swing. - Are we fucking primates now?
One hit and let's not talk about it anymore. I get it. You're mad that I left.
- Come on! Just don't hit me in the nuts. - Stupid.
- Are you kidding? Stop being a pussy. - You happy?
Stop being a pussy. Let's go.
- Don't call me a pussy, Christian Bale. RICHIE: He didn't.
He just said you exhibited pussy-like behavior.
- Y'all want to unleash the tiger? - Release the demon!
- Oh! RICHIE: Shit!
TITO: Tiger's out.
[MIKE COUGHING]
- Are you okay, man? - Mm-hm.
MIKE: You feel better?
No, I don't fucking feel better. That was seriously fucked up.
Okay. Good.
- You all right? - Yeah, I just got to pee a little.
Everybody happy? You get your gladiator show?
That was awesome.
No, it wasn't. There are a lot better ways to handle that shit.
It's our last fucking ride. I'm outta here.
You know, it's always the pretty ones, like Bundy.
[ALL LAUGHING]
TARZAN: It is, man.
WOMAN: There you go, that's it. That's perfect.
[URINE TRICKLING]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
WOMAN: That's protected land, sir! - Yo.
You're destroying sea turtle biosphere with that urine.
Heh. Are you serious? Come on. Really?
Don't look at me. Look out into the ocean.
I got it. Get the picture? I'm running out.
- Yes, thank you. There we go. - I'm done. That's it.
That's-- That's usually what happens when I pee on the beach.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Drag queens. That's, uh... - Heh-heh-heh.
Ooh, doing drag queen stuff.
- You love drag queens. - Ha-ha-ha. Yep.
- I am one, so I seek out my people. - Heh.
- You are one? You are one? - Mm-hm. On the inside.
- Mostly. - Of course, on the inside. What's her name?
Dolly Titz.
- Dolly Tits? - With a Z.
- With a Z. Where is she from? - Mm-hm.
Here. And she loves couponing and NASCAR.
I got an inner drag queen too.
- Oh. Really? - Yeah.
Okay. I figured. Ha-ha. Uh, what's her name?
Her name is...
Clitoria Labia is her name.
- That's actually not bad. -It's not bad at all.
She's the main bitch. She's like Cheetara and Grace Jones.
And they always sing "Rapper's Delight" everywhere they go.
[LAUGHING]
So you and your friends, uh, frequent drag shows, do you?
No. Well, sometimes.
We just do it on the way up to Myrtle Beach every year.
Oh, right. A stripper convention I keep hearing about.
Yep, it's the infamous convention.
And which one are you?
Which what?
Are you cop in a thong or a fireman in a thong?
lam-- I am...
You're going to have to pay to see that. That's what I am.
Or I'll just load up on all those fantastic '80s hair bands for my drive instead.
- Where you going? Where you headed? - Uh...
Just on the road again.
New York this time.
- And I... - Yeah?
Basically, I'm just trying to avoid ending up on the pole.
Like you.
But you never know.
Stripper Pissing on Beach in Contemplative Pose could sell for thousands one day.
If that's true, I will whip it out and start peeing on whatever you tell me to pee on...
- Heh. -...and we can just cash in.
Fantastic. I love the enthusiasm.
Save some of it, though, because you and I are going to untie that sailboat...
...and organize a first-ever cross-dressing search party out to that island.
What do you say?
- Win or die, stripper guy. - Uh, I say that...
...I would actually love to do that.
But I'd say I know what happens on that island, and that's just...
- I think I'm going to opt out. - Oh.
What happens on that island?
No, it's just I know what happens for me on that island.
Oh, I see.
- You think I'm gonna hook up with you. Mm. - That's not at all what I said.
That's the farthest thing from what I said. I said I would want to go...
...to that island. I know what I would do.
And then that probably wouldn't work out on any level that I would want it to work out on...
...and then I think that it's probably better if I just go back.
- Yeah. - Wow. Okay.
Well, fret not, Casanova. You're safe with me.
I'm not going through a guy phase anyway.
Oh. Well, in that case, that makes things easier, because then...
...all the more reason for me to probably just go do the "good night" thing.
- Okay. Yeah. - Uh...
It was nice to meet you, though, Dolly Titz.
Back at you, Clitoria.
- Good morning. - Hi.
You sleep okay?
Yeah. Actually, I did.
Mm-hm.
[SIGHS]
My meditation was really clear this morning.
I just feel like I got a lot of the negativity out.
That's good.
That's good. I'm happy you feel lighter.
I'm happy you finally got what you wanted.
- I am. - Yeah?
We say shit all the fucking time, but you went and did it.
I'm jealous.
- Oh, shut the fuck up. - I am.
- No, if anybody was jealous, it was me. - What?
Every time I would come over to your apartment, I'd put on your Tide commercial.
RAUGHS]
That shit was dope.
[BOTH SING] For that extra clean!
- Ding! - Oh, shit.
I was-- I would think to myself, I'd be set if I could just get to where Ken was.
Yeah, I'm real set here.
I'm real set. My agent's got me doing YouTube videos now.
MIKE: What you gonna do after this weekend?
Send my headshot around, hope for the best.
There's a casting director comes by the club sometimes, so...
I'm still pretty.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Yeah, I know you're still pretty, but...
...look at these guys. What are they going to do after this?
I don't know.
Morning, gorgeous.
Oh, my God, did you guys even sleep?
[TITO LAUGHS]
Yeah. Are the girls still here or they leave?
TITO: They left about an hour ago.
Did you, uh, bangee?
Show him your bangee.
Wow.
That's... Okay.
She said if I had reason to call before it faded, then maybe it was meant to be.
MIKE: Oh. That's romantic.
They're staying in Charleston tonight, so...
I don't know. It's smack dab on our way. Maybe it was meant to be.
Good work on that, by the way.
What about you? Did you bangee?
- No. - No?
I haven't had actual sex in almost five months.
Every time a chick gets a look at it, she's like:
"How about a blowjob or handjob?"
Just got to find the right lady.
That's unfortunate for you.
It's like a blessing and a curse at the same time, huh?
RICHIE: Laugh at my plight.
Look, maybe it's like the glass slipper. You just need to find the right one.
Dude, I'm 35 years old. If it hasn't happened already, it ain't gonna happen.
Let's face it, I'm probably fucked.
Oh. All right. On that note, uh, let's get this circus back on the road.
Who wants to see if Tarzan died in his sleep last night?
RICHIE: Fuck that. I woke him up last time.
I'll do it. I got it.
I'll clean up the nonbiodegradables.
TOBIAS: What's up, bro? A little, uh, breakfast of champions?
MIKE: Molly? TOBIAS: Yeah.
MIKE: You realize we'll be useless in an hour.
TOBIAS: What are you, 12? Just take it.
Argh. Fuck! All right, fine. Guess I know what today is going to be like.
All right, get your moon rock!
So, what's the plan about this thing?
We got it all planned out. Tobias will warm up the crowd...
...then we'll hit them with the old 4th of July Army routine.
That makes me feel like a warmonger with everything going on politically right now.
Oh, come on with the hippie shit! It's in season. We're doing it.
Hey, if you want that karma, go for it.
We'll hit them with "Raining Men" right after.
Right. Then Tobias is gonna intro the solos. Listen...
...I think you should bring back "Pony," bro.
I could do that.
And, look, "Pony" is great.
I have-- Uh, can I pitch you something?
Let me just throw something out. I completely understand that...
...I'm coming in at the eleventh hour, and I don't want to step on toes.
But what if...
If this really is our last ride, what if we make up some new shit and go out with a bang?
Just burn this shit down with some new routines.
We can't do that. We got two days.
Mike, that's what we've rehearsed.
- Don't call our shit lame. - Right. I'm not calling your shit lame.
I'm just saying that cowboys and firemen dancing to '80s rock is not not lame.
You know what is lame? Looking like a bag of dicks because we don't have our act straight.
Okay, point taken. Let me ask you a question, though. Um...
You're still doing the fireman routine, right?
- You know it. - Have you ever wanted to be a fireman?
- A real one? - Yes, a real fireman.
- No, I got the phobia thing. - You have a fire phobia, okay.
- You still doing it to that KISS song? - Fuck, yeah. "Hotter Than Hell."
- Do you like that song? - Crushes.
I know it crushes, but do you like it? Do you play it when you're not onstage?
- I don't see your point. - My point is, if you don't like it, why pick it?
I didn't pick it. Dallas did.
Exactly. You didn't pick it, so it's not on the inside.
Just because you made up some of your own routines...
...doesn't mean you get to waltz back in and tell us how to run our own shit.
- I'm not trying to tell you-- - No!
There is no fucking universe in which I am not doing that fireman routine!
MIKE: You can find it, man. You got to just let go, okay?
- I fucking got it! MIKE: What?
-It's like a real wedding except like a fantasy. MIKE: Oh, my God!
Then I go out in the crowd and find myself a real fucking bride.
- Oh, fuck! - And I do everything with her!
I'll have a ring and everything, and I'll propose to her, and people throw rice.
- They're throwing rice! KEN: Rice out of our pants!
- You're fucking incredible! -It's just so complex.
KEN: What are you talking about?
Yo, man, I'm not a dancer like you. I just can't come up with shit on the spot.
It's not about being a dancer, Richie. It's not.
Okay, look. "Pony," that wasn't a dance routine.
All it was is I was at a party and saw this badass girl.
She was with her boyfriend, and he did not look like he was hitting that shit right.
So that song came on, and all I did was imagine what I would do to her.
That was it. That was all "Pony" ever was.
- It sounds fucking complex. - No, it's not.
Look at you! You're a fucking Greek god.
You could tie your shoe and make some girl's entire year.
It's just got to come from in here. You just have to be you. I know so.
You know what? Fuck that.
I bet you can go in there right now and fucking make her day.
RICHIE: Who, her? - Hell, yeah.
That girl looks like she never smiled in her entire life.
Then that's your goal. That is your goal.
Go in there and make her smile, that's all you've got to do.
If you can't do that, no one can, and I'll go back and do the old routines.
- Oh, fuck! - That's a fair deal.
You're not a fireman, Richie! You're not a fireman.
I want to hear you say that. "I am not a fireman."
- Well, I'm not a fireman. - You hate fire!
- I'm a fucking male entertainer. - Exactly!
Male entertainer. You can do it. Now go do it!
ALL [CHANTING]: B.D.R.!
B.D.R.! B.D.R.!
- Make her day. - Be yourself. Show that big beautiful heart.
[BACKSTREET BOYS' "I WANT IT THAT WAY" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
MAN 1 [SINGING]: Yeah
You are my fire
The one desire
Believe when I say
I want it that way
MAN 2: But we
Are two worlds apart...
[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
When you say
That I want it that way
CHORUS". Tell me why Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way
[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
MAN '5: Am I your fire
Your one desire
Yes, I know it's too late
But I want it that way
CHORUS". Tell me why Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why I never wanna hear you say...
[PANTING] How much for the Cheetos and water?
[GIGGLING]
[ALL CHEERING]
Yeah! Whoo!
That was spiritual, man.
- I'm proud of you, buddy. - We can do this. We can do this!
We can do this. We've got to come up with new shit, okay?
Fucking history right here.
This shit is history. Gone. We've got to get rid of it.
Out with the past. I never wanted to be in the Navy!
- I don't want this Top Gun shit. Gone! - Yeah!
Oh, baby! It's time.
That shit itched. Boom!
- Boom, that's out of here! - Fuck that thing!
Richie? Done!
- Fireman over! RICHIE: I'm not a fireman!
- Get it out of here. - Don't. I'll throw it away when we get back.
No, no, no. Now! It's over. History!
New stuff.
I love you guys. I-- Look.
I've missed you so much. I know we're rolling face right now, but...
...I just need you to know how much I love you.
I missed you so much, man.
There was a giant hole inside of me created when you left.
Now I feel like it's full again.
- I love you. - Let's sync this shit up.
We gotta sync this up.
- We're syncing up the energy. RICHIE: I fucking love you!
KEN: Give me your hands, man.
[LAUGHTER]
- I take it y'all motherfuckers feel that? - Oh, yeah.
That is our energies, man. We are connected.
Toby! Throw it back here, brother. We need you.
- Come on, man, sync up. - This is powerful, man!
- You feel that rhythm? - Oh, yeah.
- Mm, mm, mm.
- Oh, yeah. - I love you guys!
That's our pulse.
I am so thankful we are all here together on this last ride.
Everybody close your eyes...
...and let's just appreciate it, not as six beings, but as one.
As one. As one unit, man. As one fucking unit.
As one. We've got to move into the future as one.
TARZAN: As one unit. Moving as one. TITO: The past is over!
Shit!
[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
[ALL GROANING]
MIKE: Fuck! KEN: What the hell happened?
MIKE: Get off my fucking leg! TOBIAS: Fuck!
KEN: ls everybody okay?
No, I'm not fucking okay! I'm not okay at all!
Oh, shit. Hey, we got a man down!
- Where'd that come from? TITO: He hit his head there.
- Oh, shit. - He's okay.
Your friend suffered a Grade 2 concussion and required some stitches.
- So he's going to live? - Yes.
He'll need to stay here for 48 hours of observation. He's in here.
My pupils bugging out?
- Be cool. - You think she knows?
Oh, shit, man.
Hey, Toby.
- What's up, buddy? TARZAN: Hey, bro. What's up?
- Hi, guys. I'm so fucking sorry. - No, I shouldn't have reached for you.
- I shouldn't have closed my eyes. - Well, that's definitely true.
Fuck, yeah. What were you thinking?
- Hey, go easy on him. - Easy? He's fine.
Right?
Yeah, I'm fine, but the truck...
Yeah, the truck is towed. It's going to take a few days to fix it.
I think we can afford it. I don't know about the paint job.
It won't be original, but I can get it close.
Are you in pain?
Yeah. They gave me something, but it's shit.
Yeah, I'm feeling that.
- What are you doing? - Reiki. I'm a Level 3 healer.
TITO: Oh, shit.
This fucking sucks.
No fucking M.C. No fucking whip. No fucking costumes!
That was a brilliant idea, throwing the costumes out the window? Stupid!
- Just chill, man. - No, it's an omen, okay?
It's a sign.
We're exactly where we're supposed to be. All right?
Please spare us the fucking Gandhi routine right now!
You have so much anger, and it is all in your heart chakra, and it's fucking toxic.
- I don't even know what that means! - Guys, just chill.
This is the comedown from the Molly. Get a grip.
You're goddamn right it's a comedown.
This trip's over!
All I wanted was one more fucking ride! Is that too much to ask?
MIKE: Aw.
Is Richie gonna cry because life isn't exactly the way he wants it right now?
Oh, okay, Mr. CEO.
Why don't you take your bullshit advice and give it to your fucking employees?
Employees? I have one employee, and I can't even pay for his healthcare.
But I bust my ass every month to keep it going.
So don't act like we don't all have problems.
Whatever. I'm the one who told you coming with us was a horrible idea.
It's been the year of the horrible idea, man.
You want to see another horrible idea? I got one for you.
Barn. There you go.
There's a nice, juicy horrible idea for you.
Brooke said no?
I had my life all planned out with her. All right? It was all perfectly set up.
I had the house, the dog, Downton Abbey on the weekends.
I even did the proposal on the beach with bacon...
...and mimosas and pancakes and all that.
And for whatever reason that I'll probably never understand...
...she wanted something else.
So I came on this trip with you fucks to just try to get on with it.
So I'll be damned if I'll just let it end right here and now.
You're right.
You're goddamn right.
We can't let the train stop here.
No. We got a tsunami of dollar bills to get to, daddy.
- We're on a mission. - Fuck,yeah.
Look, we'll get another M.C. Right, Tobias?
That's the energy I'm talking about right there.
Look, we'll pick him up on the way home. All we got to do is get a rental car.
We're not gotta need a rental car, I don't think.
This is another horrible idea, but...
...I know an M.C. in Savannah.
- Gentlemen. How can I be of service? - Hey.
Uh, is Rome in tonight?
- Are you a member, sir? - No.
No, we're not members.
Uh... Mm.
I used to dance here, before it was this.
Can you do me a favor and get my name to Rome? Mike Lane.
And if that doesn't do the trick, I guess we'll just stop bothering you.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
You can follow me.
Y'all chill down here. I'll be back.
What's up?
Sit your ass down.
Malik, I'm sorry for the surprise, but a ghost is a ghost.
I'll see you downstairs in a minute, okay?
ROME: So they said, "Mike Lane and company."
- Mm-hm. - Who's your company?
It's what's left of the Kings of Tampa.
Oh, let me guess! Mr. Crocodile Dundee done did a little Houdini act?
- Yep. Ahem. Seems so. - Mm.
Just so you know, I got out on my own accord three years ago.
But yet here you are.
You got my curiosity, Mike.
Floor is yours.
No, I was just in the neighborhood and wanted to see...
...if I could stop by and borrow a cup of brown sugar.
[SCOFFS]
Boy, I tell you, shit don't change, huh?
Always got to lead with a joke before you ask for what you want.
[SCOFFS]
So, what did you do, turn this place into some sort of country club?
Guess you could say that. You know, back in the day...
...in the Roman Empire, as long as you paid the emperor your taxes...
...you could worship who you wanted, where you wanted, how you wanted.
Freedom had a small price.
Do you know what people value more than freedom?
- Please say strippers. - Nope. Beauty.
So if beauty is something you really wish to behold...
...you can behold all the beauty you want right here.
All I ask is for a little monthly fee, you know?
So it's a subscription-based pleasure that you're selling?
You got it.
Why don't you let me show you around? See what we do here.
Maybe you'll learn a little something.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[CROWD CHEERING]
- How you doing, queen? - Good.
- You feeling good? Having a good time? - Mm-hm.
All right, Mr. Augustus, I want you to keep taking care of this beauty, you hear me?
- Yes, ma'am. - All right.
[ALL CHEERING]
[BANDO JONEZ'S "SEX YOU" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[ALL CHEERING]
That was beautiful, baby, as always. Just beautiful.
All right, ladies.
Are you having a good time tonight?
[ALL CHEERING]
That's what I thought.
But you know there's always a queen up in here...
...who must be reminded of how beautiful she is.
Don't be shy. Where you at?
Ooh. Boom.
There you go.
Give me your hand.
Do you know how beautiful you are?
Queens, ain't she beautiful?
[ALL CHEERING]
You hear that? But you know what?
If you're not gonna take our word for it, we just gonna show you. Okay?
So let me present to you...
...the absolutely adorable...
...Andre.
What's your name?
Caroline.
Don't be shy. That's a beautiful name.
It was my grandmother's.
What did she do?
Um, she was the first female, black grocery owner in the state.
Strong woman.
What brings you to Domina? Other than the obvious.
Celebrating my divorce.
And your girlfriends brought you out to have a good time. Huh?
Good job. I'll take it from here. Caroline...
...would you mind sitting for me right here?
That would be great.
And, um, one last thing: What's your favorite thing?
- Alcohol. - Alcohol.
- Heh. - Okay. Alcohol.
I'm gonna need some crowd participation on this one, so just follow my lead.
Yeah. Uh-uh-uh.
Okay.
[ALL SNAPPING FINGERS]
[RAPPING] Young Caroline Give a nigga half your time
She like alcohol But you ain't here to hear me whine
I'm looking at your backside I'm trying to stay patient
Make that thing clap That's a standing ovation
Grandma independent She don't need your help
But you don't really feel that way About yourself
That's why the name feel funny in your mouth You don't believe it, but I can see it
And fuck that dude, he don't get you I know you cool and I just met you
Pick you up around 8 I can come and get you
On the coast, and we ballin' Back and forth like it's ping-pong
And you ain't got a thing on Let me sing your theme song
Caroline This could be something special
This love of mine Will never let go
If I could make you mine Oh, I'd treat you so special
Be mine Oh, be mine
All right, I need y'all to clap on this one.
Caroline This could be something special
This love of mine Could never let go
And if I make you mine Oh, I'd treat you so special
Be mine
[ALL CHEERING]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Why are you here?
You know, me and the guys were, uh...
We were near Savannah.
And I couldn't not see you.
Okay.
And?
Don't laugh. We're going up to the convention and...
...I don't know, we're going to have one crazy night to put this to bed and...
...I don't know, I just thought it could be fun.
The convention?
You mean to tell me you came all the way here...
...to see me about that bullshit convention?
No. Look, I know.
I just thought it...
...presented itself as an interesting opportunity for us to--
No, no, no.
For you maybe. What the hell do I need a convention for?
You don't. That's not what I'm saying. Let me finish.
No. Uh-uh. No.
I haven't talked to you for eight years since you walked out.
Did I walk out on you? Because if I remember correctly, I went and took a job.
When I came back, someone wouldn't let me in the house.
Mike, what makes you think you can come up in here after all this time...
...and snap your fingers and I'm supposed to do a favor for you?
Okay.
Maybe...
...I'm an idiot. I'm sorry. I'm...
...not saying that at all.
Really?
I don't need a favor from you.
Fuck the convention.
Don't-- All it is...
...is an excuse for us to try to put this shit between us to bed.
That's all.
Oh, shit.
[ALL CHEERING]
Thank you, Octavius.
Ooh. You're wonderful.
My queens, gather.
I need you. I need you.
You ever had a ghost come to your front door?
A ghost from your past, one that still makes you shiver?
[WOMEN HOLLER]
I had one today. So I need your help.
I need you to help me...
...make a decision of whether I should leave that ghost in his grave...
...or give him an opportunity to be resurrected.
ALL: Resurrected!
ROME: Okay.
I got a little treat for y'all tonight.
It's a man I knew...
...as White Chocolate.
[ALL WHOOPING]
Some might know him...
...as Magic Mike.
WOMAN: Woo-hoo!
We're gonna see if he's still got some magic in that Mike.
[ALL CHEERING]
Hello, beautiful.
You down for a little fun tonight?
- Yes. - All right. Have a seat.
Mike?
- Come on, let's not do this. - Ah.
- Mm. MIKE: Mm-mm.
Malik?
[ALL CHEERING]
[JACQUEES' "FEEL lT" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
MAN [SINGING]: I'm gon' make you feel it...
Come on, man. You got this.
Yeah, come on!
Yeah, baby! Yeah, Mike!
I'm gon' make you feel it
[ALL CHEERING]
I'm gon' make you feel it...
RICHIE: Yeah.
TITO: Show them how it's done, Mikey!
[ALL CHEERING]
Sweating while you callin' me daddy
Giving you the best you ever had, babe
Make me feel like you ain't ever had it
Stretching you out like you are elastic
Turn around, poke it out so I can grab it
Flip that ass over like we in gymnastics...
[ALL CHEERING]
Baby, tell me that you want it deeper
I don't ever wanna come out
Put you in a coma, you're a sleeper
I know that your body's been drowsed
I'm gon' make you feel it
Tell me, do you wanna be bad
Tell me, do you wanna be bad, babe
With the shots, pow-pow You bust off like an UZI
Think I'm gonna need another mat, babe
Back that ass up on me like I'm juvie...
[ALL CHEERING]
It's going down, turn around Let me feel yo booty
I'm a private in your parts I'm at duty
Girl, give it to me
Baby, you remind me of my jeep-er
The way you body's bouncing up and down
Feels like a tsunami or Katrina...
[ALL CHEERING]
I'm gon' make you feel it...
So seeing as though you are leaving again...
...I have Andre over here to take care of you. He'll take you wherever you want to go.
We got to get on the road.
This was, uh-- This was fun. Whatever, I guess, that this was.
- It was good seeing you. - Likewise.
So...
...what was that? Y'all used to dance together?
Uh... Yeah. Look, it's a...
It's a long, long story, but, uh...
...Rome and I met each other at a very interesting time in our lives and...
-...I guess you could say that we had a thing. - Mm.
- Yeah. - For real, man.
- I'd say you had a thing. - Yeah, well...
...until I, uh, went to work with Dallas. Yeah.
So is she going to come help us, or what?
No.
No, I don't think that's going to actually happen.
Rome likes to stay in her castle. That's why she built it.
So I'm getting on 95 North, right?
Yeah. It's just outside of Charleston.
She texted me the address. I'll tell you when we get closer.
- You need a copilot? - Yes, please.
That was insane tonight, man.
- Thanks. - I'm serious, dude.
- It was a good night. - Your stuff is revolutionary.
- Sometimes the songs are a little-- - No, it was perfect. Are you kidding me?
- I appreciate that. - You just made that up on the spot.
Rome likes us to put our passion in our work.
Well, it shows. I've never seen anything like that.
Are you doing anything else with your music?
I'm trying. I put it up online.
Hopefully it'll spread through social media, but...
...honestly, with this E.P. coming out, it's...
- Cool, man. -It's hard to get people to pay attention.
Because there's so much shit that comes on the Internet every day.
I just want to stay authentic.
At least you're trying, man. At least you're trying.
That's why I moved down to Florida back in the day, to do music stuff.
- Really? - Yeah.
I sang in "Dream Along With Mickey" at Disney World from '03 to '05.
- What? - Yeah, man.
I started out as the Donald Duck understudy, but I was playing Mickey by my second year.
I got signed by an agent, booked a couple regional commercial spots.
One day I heard an ad on the radio looking for dancers.
And you know how that shit goes, so... Heh-heh.
When I started this, I thought...
...man, I thought I'd hate it.
But now, if the E.P. blew up tomorrow...
...I'd probably still do this on the side.
- I'm serious. - You're shitting me.
Do you see how many girls I meet every day? For free?
For free! I don't got to pay for dinner. All I do is sing.
Think about that.
These girls have to deal with men in their lives every day who...
...don't listen to them, don't ask them what they want.
They don't even ask them what they want!
All we got to do is ask them what they want.
And when they tell you, it's a beautiful thing.
We're like healers or something.
Yes, man.
- Fuck,yes! - We are.
- That's right. - We're healers.
We're healers, man.
We can be. We can be.
I like that.
- Thanks for the ride. - No problem.
- Good talking to you. Safe home. - Look us up when you get back.
You sure this is the place?
I'm positive. She said it, and I got the text.
Looks like somebody hooked up with a trust fund baby!
I just hit her with her favorite flavor, baby, and we're living large.
Megan?
Hello?
Megan?
There's some law of attraction going on here.
Megan! It's Tito! Hey!
Oh, shit.
Who are you?
- Just, uh, friends of Megan. - Ah.
Is Megan here?
My daughter and her friends are outside.
Who are you?
Oh, you're having a party. We'll just go out. Megan is back this way?
You hold on. Y'all can't just walk in my house...
...like strangers without having a hello drink.
RAUGHS]
You come on now and have a seat.
What you want? You want red? You want white?
We got whiskey. We got shine. Y'all get some. Ha-ha.
How about we start with wine and end with shine?
- I like that rule. - Ha-ha-ha.
Why don't you come sit right here? Come on.
- Oh, shit! - Thank you so much.
TITO: It smells good.
NANCY: Well, cheers! -All right. Cheers.
Eye contact.
Thank you for your hospitality, ma'am.
Quit that proper shit!
You sound just like my ex.
What are your names?
I'm Mike. This is Tito, Ken, Richie...
Uh...
- Ernest. - Ernest. Ernest.
Well, I'm Nancy.
And this is Mae, Julia, Diane and Jessica.
MIKE: Hey. Nice to meet you. KEN: Nice to meet you.
Y'all don't look like you're from around here.
We're from Miami.
- Florida. - Yeah.
There's one in Ohio, dude.
Just passing through on our way to Myrtle Beach.
- Oh! Myrtle Beach! - Redneck Riviera.
Y'all should try Kiawah instead.
- Oh, yeah, I heard that's real nice, ma'am. -"Oh, yeah, I heard that's real nice, ma'am."
- Listen to him! - Is that what I sound like?
You're good!
Damn.
Don't think I don't know what you're doing here with those girls.
How do y'all know my daughter?
We just met her in Jacksonville at a...
- It was a bar. - A bar!
Well, that's my daughter. Always making new friends!
[ALL LAUGHING]
So, what do y'all do?
- We are... -I, uh...
Hey! How are you?
TITO: Hey. WOMEN: Hi.
KEN: There you are. - Hi. What are y'all talking about?
NANCY: The boys are just about to tell us what they do for a living.
Mm-hm. We, uh...
[MIKE CHUCKLES]
- Well, I have my own furniture company. KEN: Yeah.
Tito here is into yogurt.
Frozen yogurt. Artisanal.
Ken is a budding actor and, uh...
...Level 3 Reiki healer.
So if you need any work done, uh...
Ernie is an artist. He's a painter.
Mom, they're male strippers.
NANCY: Now that makes sense.
Why didn't you say so in the first place?
MEGAN: It's fucking awkward to do that! - This is fucked up.
NANCY: Enough with that fucking language!
My God, I don't think I've ever had a real live stripper in my house before.
KEN: You have now. RICHIE: Well, actually...
...the technical term is male entertainer. NANCY: Oh, my.
Mom, they're not here for that. They're just friends.
Of course not.
Diana, go down and grab us some more vino.
No, no! Don't you worry, I got this. I'll reload, Nancy.
Okay, baby. Just get anything that looks expensive.
As much of the good stuff as your little arms can carry.
You got it.
MIKE: I got arms. I'll help.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
WOMAN: Are you Native American, Tito?
[LAUGHTER]
TITO: Yes, on my mother's side.
Really, I've got it. Thanks, though.
Oh, you do not have it.
By what I just saw up there, we are going to need a fucking pack mule...
...to water that bunch. So I don't know...
...let's fucking do this.
I thought you were supposed to be in New York, by the way.
Oh, wait, is that not where we are? Whoa.
MIKE: Hmm?
I changed my mind.
Does that mean you are gonna be on the pole or not? Because...
..."Dolly Titz on the main stage, coming up for you, boys.
Get your dollar bills out and let's brighten her day" sounds awesome to me.
[SARCASTICALLY] Ha, ha.
Nice callback, Clitoria.
It's low-hanging fruit. I can't help myself.
What's the plan now?
- Currently? - Yep.
Find the perfect dynamite for that powder keg upstairs and...
...watch it blow.
Okay.
What are we looking for?
Something old and expensive. To fit in upstairs.
Cool.
They all look the same to me.
Racist.
- Hmm? -1959 Chéteau Lafite. That'll do.
You see, what I hear is that guy isn't taking care of his own shit.
How are you going to expect your lady to trim the hedges, if you're not willing to...
...prune the tree?
[LAUGHTER]
I have a three-day max growth rule.
- Really? - Abso-fucking-lutely, ma'am.
- Wow. - Pardon my language.
- Oh, please. - We got wine!
[ALL CHEER]
- A basket full of wine! MIKE: We got a basket of wine.
NANCY: You are missing out on some husband tales in here.
Or ex-husband tales.
Julia and I are trying to lure Mae and Diana over to the dark side.
Use the Force, Nance.
Come on, Mae, it's your turn.
Come on, Mae.
Come on, Mae, we know it ain't all peaches and roses in that bedroom.
Cone of Silence here.
Fine. I'll go then.
Ugh. Here's a whopper for you.
- Here we go. - Roger's the only man I've ever slept with.
- Terrible. - Then you are going to get more wine.
[NANCY CHUCKLES]
[SIGHING] Yeah.
I lost my virginity to him when I was 17, and that was that.
Two beautiful daughters...
...but only one penis my entire fucking life.
Sadly, I was too na'l've to recognize that he was a gay man.
Mom, you don't know that.
I knew enough. I knew he liked it when I put my fing--
Mom! I don't want to hear that.
- Well, you need to! -It's not so terrible.
NANCY: Because I pissed away all of this on one man.
And you are not going to make the same mistake.
MEGAN: Got it. - That's why I tell these girls...
...to play the field.
And don't stop until you find one that...
...rocks your fucking socks off!
KEN: My motto. RICHIE: Hear, hear! Ha-ha-ha.
TARZAN: Well, you know, Nancy, that plays both ways.
I think I've had as good a run as anybody.
But I'd trade it all in a heartbeat to come home to a wife, a kid...
...people that love me.
That hole is never going to be filled.
That ship fucking sailed.
Wow.
KEN: I...
- I think my soul just died a little bit. TITO: I love you, Ernie.
Well, Hank and I have never had sex with the lights on.
What?
Every time it starts, he just goes and turns them off.
And I try to drop hints, but, uh...
Maybe it's me, I don't know.
NANCY: Come on. Never once?
Never.
KEN: He's not showing you how beautiful you are.
You're gorgeous. You know that, right? She's gorgeous, right?
I'm not just talking about the paint job. I'm not talking about this vessel.
I'm talking about what's inside you.
I read energy in my work, and yours is...
...pure and sweet...
...and loving and nurturing.
Talk to him. If he won't worship you, there's a lot of guys out there who will.
And the line starts here.
- Winds around this room too. - Absolutely.
KEN: You know that, right?
Good. No, don't get shy on me. I want to hear you say it.
Own it.
I don't know what to say to him.
KEN: Tell him what your fantasy is. And make sure he does it with the lights on.
If he doesn't, then y'all have a serious problem.
Well, I, um...
When we were in college and falling in love...
...we used to listen to that song "Heaven."
Oh, shit! Yes!
I love that song.
[SINGING] Oh thinkin' about all our younger years
RICHIE: Yeah. TITO: Come on.
There was only you and me
We were young and wild and free
- Will you hold this for me? TITO: Come on.
Now nothin' can take you away from me
We've been down that road before
But that's over now
[ALL LAUGHING]
You keep me comin' back for more
Baby, you're all that I want
When you're lyin' here in my arms
I'm findin' it hard to believe We're in heaven
KEN: Come on, boys. TITO: Yeah.
And love is all that I need
ALL [SINGING]: And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven
[KEN LAUGHS]
KEN: Do you feel good?
MAE: That's wonderful! - Whoa!
MAE: I don't think Hank can do that.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Doctor's in the house, baby. The doctor has checked into the building!
MAE: Oh, thank you.
Yeah! Fuck, Ken!
- Whoo! - What the fuck?
Y'all know that was my audition song. Yeah, it was one of them.
[ALL LAUGH]
It's awesome.
Oh, God, I just love this fucking night!
I love it!
I wish we had known you guys back in our day, you know?
Well, I'd say it's still your day, ma'am.
[CHUCKLES]
Thank you, Richie.
[CHUCKLES]
Stand up.
- Oh, no. - Come on, stand up.
[ALL LAUGHING]
[NANCY LAUGHING]
Oh, my God, just look at you. You are just perfect.
Damn!
[NANCY LAUGHING]
Oh, God.
Oh, damn, look at you. I hate to be rude, but...
You want to pop the hood.
[EXHALES]
Okay.
Oh, my God!
MEGAN: Mom! NANCY: Oh, please!
Of course, you're eating cake by yourself when...
...the fireworks are about to go off in there. This isn't concerning at all.
What can I say? I like cake.
Do you have any idea what's going on out there?
A lady is about to get...
I don't even know how to put it into words.
No, I'm a cookie guy.
What?
- Yeah. -It's red fucking velvet.
I would take a pack of Oreos over that bullshit any day of the week.
- What's wrong with you? - Nothing's wrong. Cookies are awesome.
I don't think we have anything to say to one another.
If you don't want to talk about it--
I don't know if it's about New York, but I intuit it might be...
...I'm going to start hiding the kitchen knives in a minute.
Seriously, it is that obvious. What's up?
I met a photographer in Miami at this party I was working at.
He was nice and married and all of that.
Took a look at my photos and said I had an eye.
Offered me a job right there on the spot as his assistant.
That's cool. Did he offer a place for you to stay as well...
...that happened to be his house when his wife was away?
That--? Yeah.
Wait, were you there?
I was there, but in drag. You wouldn't have recognized me.
- Mm. - But I just want to throw this out there.
Um, this might be God's way of giving you a second chance at Myrtle Beach.
Mm. Any God worth believing in certainly sends you dudes in thongs when in need.
Or she just knows that some asshole in Miami--
- She? - Yes, my God is a she. Um...
She just might know that...
...some asshole in Miami stole your smile, and you need it back.
And I can guarantee you that strippers...
...will give smiles a-plenty and make you forget about New York.
And if that doesn't work, then there will be 3000 women there...
...seeing as you're not in a boy phase.
- That was quite a pitch. - Mmm.
When shit's not going your way, getting a little crazy with some random friends...
...has a way of helping you sort out your own shit.
So I'm your friend now?
You've seen me pee. I don't know anyone that's not my friend that's seen me pee.
Fair enough.
Look, I don't normally trust a cookie guy...
...but I'll think about it.
That's valid.
All right. You think about it, Dolly. I'm going back in there and feed the wolves...
...because it's getting a little rabid in there. All right?
It's Zoe, by the way.
Zoe. Nice to meet you.
Magic. Magic Mike.
[CHUCKLES]
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
[TARZAN SNORING]
[EXHALES]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Morning, gentlemen.
- Morning. - Hey, buddy.
- Everyone sleep all right? - Yeah.
You boys have fun.
Mmm.
Mm.
[WHISPERING] Did you bangee?
- Yes. - You banged her?
Was she the glass slipper?
Yes, man!
That beautiful nice lady was the glass slipper?
- Hold it. Every inch? - Wow.
Y'all had a crazy connection. I could feel it.
I'm so happy fOF YOU-
- Heh-heh-heh. - What?
You got to be kidding me. You got to be fucking joking.
- This is us? - It was the ex-husband's.
She didn't care what shape I brought it back in, as long as I brought it back.
Didn't realize she'd actually been married to Shawn Kemp.
- Pimping! - Sweet!
Beautiful piece of machinery.
Holy shit!
We're gonna kill on the strip in Myrtle. This is gonna kill.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[LAUGHING AND WHOOPING]
Gentlemen, welcome. We've been expecting you.
Mrs. Davidson called ahead, upgraded your rooms and booked you our conference space.
- Oh. What's up, Mrs. Davidson? - Yeah.
I know what was up Mrs. Davidson!
TITO: That's sick, man.
- No! Get out of here! TARZAN: Come on, man.
So you think it's okay to have me wait for you for two hours.
It's not okay, but someone should've told me.
- Don't say I never did anything for you. - I ain't never gonna say that, I promise you.
- Look at this. ROME: What's up?
- How you doing, Rome? - What's up, man?
- So 3000 women, man? - Three thousand women. You got some ideas?
- Yeah, I got some ideas. - They ain't ready for you.
They ain't ready for us.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[LAUGHTER]
Good night.
- Good night, y'all. - Later, guys.
Where is your yogurt now, man? I'm starving.
Yeah.
[BOTH GROAN]
You really think it's going to work? You think I can pull this off?
- What, the yogurt truck? - Yeah.
Yeah. Absolutely.
Man, I hope so. I hope I can keep it afloat. Because nothing...
...feeIs that good.
Other than being onstage.
But that's why it's going to work. You love it too much.
[TITO CHUCKLES]
Look, I'm not gonna lie to you. It's not gonna be easy.
If you want, on the way back down, I'll go over everything you got.
We'll go through it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- That'd be cool, man. - Heh-heh.
[TITO EXHALES]
You know, I get why you left.
I'm just glad you're back.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
WOMAN: All right, Hypnotize.
Make sure you see sound and lighting. They'll hook you up.
Go on, make some money. Give him a locker key.
Next!
MIKE: Paﬂs?
Holy fucking shit. Heh.
- What are y'all doing here? - Hi.
- Give your mama some sugar! - How are you? How are you?
- They always come back. - Mm-hm.
I am great. I'm a little confused, because Dallas didn't let me know y'all were coming.
- Where is he? - Dallas is not coming. It's just us.
- Baby, I don't have a spot for you. - You got a spot, come on.
Honey, you know how this works. You're not special.
Especially you. You've been out! How long?
[MIKE MUTTERS]
- Don't worry about it. - A couple years?
- You can find us a spot. - You've not been dancing. Look at you.
- Are you even in shape? -It's like riding a bike.
- Mm-hm. - Mm.
I don't know.
Who's this? Big Dumb Rick? How you doing?
-It's "dick." - Okay.
- So you don't have an M.C. - We do have an M.C.
You don't have an M.C. What am I supposed to do?
We do have an M.C.
ROME: Hey, gorgeous.
- Shut the fuck up. MIKE: Mm-hm.
[ROME CHUCKLES]
Hey. How you been?
- How have you been? ROME: Good.
So you got a spot for us?
This girl taught me everything I know.
[PARIS EXHALES]
Who is at 10:20? Bumper Grinders?
[PARIS CLEARS THROAT]
All right.
For her.
-10:20. - That's why I love you.
That's a money spot. I expect y'all to make some money in that spot.
ROME: Thank you.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
- How are the knees? - Rotten.
Yeah? You good?
To tell you the truth, I haven't felt this nervous since Desert Storm.
What?
How have I known you this long and I don't know that you were in Desert Storm?
Just never came up.
[CHUCKLES]
Look, I don't know, me and you, we haven't really...
...had a chance to have our moment.
Are we good?
You know, Mike, when I called you...
...I didn't call to fuck with you. I called because I missed you, man.
[MIKE LAUGHS]
Read my fangs. Let her make her own decisions.
- Whatever. - Chill, guys!
I fucked Bella!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Shit.
- Who's killing it out there? - Fucking vampire bullshit!
Did you guys see this? They're doing a fucking Twilight routine and mopping up.
All those tweeners are growing up. Makes perfect sense.
- That's true. - Yep.
Well...
- Dude, I just don't want to fuck this up. - You're not going to fuck this up.
And on the off chance that we actually go out and shit the bed, who cares?
- Don't say that. - Why? Fuck it.
Look, I love you guys. This trip has been ridiculous and amazing.
So please do not make me give the whole:
"it's not about how we go out there and do it, it's about getting to do it together" speech...
...that I just gave you.
Okay.
Richie, what are you? You're not a fireman.
What are you?
I'm a...
...male entertainer.
Oh, yeah. What are we?
ALL: Male entertainers. - Come on, get it in.
ROME: Hey! Hold that up!
It's not bro time, it's show time. Are you guys ready?
- Yeah, we're ready. - All right, let's do this.
MIKE: Ready? One, two, three.
ALL: Male entertainers.
We're strippers. We're strippers.
Whoa! Yes, give it up!
Oh, Men of Steel in the Twilight routine!
[ALL CHEERING]
Oh, that was hot! Can I hear y'all say "hot"?
CROWD: Hot! - Whoo!
That's a nice Southern welcome.
[ALL CHEERING]
All right.
Now, I know this is not a competition...
...but y'all are gonna go home with your favorites tonight.
One of my all-time favorites...
...is making an appearance on this stage after a little while away.
Magical little dancer.
He's been gone a little while, but he's back.
He has hooked up with the devil himself...
...and he is back tonight with those friends...
...to entertain your beautiful selves. Here they are.
Reserrection!
[ALL CHEERING]
ANNOUNCER: Good evening, friends.
This is what you came here for.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Liftoff in five, four, three, two, one...
Ignition.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Hold this.
Just wait until you see what we got coming up.
[ALL CHEERING]
ROME: Did you like that, ladies?
Was it good to you?
Well, just so you know, my name is Rome.
I'll be your M.C. tonight.
Now, ladies, do you mind if I refer to you all as queens?
[ALL CHEERING]
Because every last one of you up in here is a queen and don't you ever forget it!
Now, with that being said...
...are you ready to be worshiped?
Are you ready to be exalted?
Are you ready to meet a special kind of beast...
...that can bring all the beauty out in you?
[ALL CHEERING]
Well, without further ado, we have our first king tonight.
Tarzan.
[ALL CHEERING]
[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
RAUGHS]
[ALL CHEERING]
ROME: I don't know about you, queens...
...but I'd let that beast throw whatever he wanted on me any day!
You know how the alchemy of opposites can be so satisfying?
Have a little bit of cold with a little bit of hot.
Have a little bit of yes with a little bit of no.
And you know how we like our kings to be really, really sweet and really, really...
...hard all at the same time.
Yes, Lord.
I introduce to you our candy king.
Tito!
[50 CENT'S "CANDY SHOP" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
MAN [SINGING]: So seductive
I'll take you to the candy shop
I'll let you lick the lollipop
Go ahead girl, don't you stop
Keep going till you hit the spot
WOMAN: I'll take you to the candy shop
Boy one taste of what I got
I'll have you spending all you got
Keep going till you hit the spot
MAN: You can have it your way
[MAN RAPPING OVER SPEAKERS]
[ALL CHEERING]
[LAUGHING]
[ALL CHEERING]
[LAUGHING]
[ALL CHEERING]
ROME: Now, queens, wasn't that a tasty treat?
[ALL CHEERING]
You know, past those closed doors don't you get tired of everybody trying to tell you...
...what is a "good woman"?
How a good woman talks?
How a good woman should be sexed?
Sometimes you just want somebody to ask you what you want and just...
...give it to you just like that.
And then whisper in your ear, "How does it feel?"
I got the king for you, ladies.
King Ken!
[ALL CHEERING]
[D'ANGELO'S "UNTITLED (HOW DOES IT FEEL)" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[SINGING] Girl, it's all on you
Have it your way
And if you want, you can decide
And if you'll have me
I can provide
Everything that you desire
If you get a feeling
Feeling that I am feeling, baby
Won't you come closer, closer
To me, baby?
Mmm, then you've already got me Right where you want me, baby
And I
I just want to be your man
How does it feel, baby?
I wanna know How does it feel?
I wanna know How does it feel, baby?
Let me take off your clothes And now
How does it How does it
Let me show you What I'm talking about, baby
How does it feel, baby?
Yeah, yeah
How does it feel, baby? Yeah
I wanna know How does
How does it feel?
ANDRE: Y'all give it up for my boy Ken right now, with the pipes.
Y'all ladies hear those high notes?
But now on to a more serious subject.
Dearly beloved...
...we are gathered here in the presence of every male entertainer in the hemisphere.
Y'all do this every year, and every year you do it well.
You do it well, that hide and seek, that don't go tell--
It's okay, you can touch.
--That every woman in this room deserves.
And simply because there are so many of you, and so few of us...
...there is something we simply can't give.
But we're gonna try to tonight.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Because everybody deserves just...
...a little commitment.
[ALL CHEERING]
[BRUNO MARS' "MARRY YOU" PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]
MAN [SINGING]: It's a beautiful night
We're looking for something dumb to do
Hey, baby
I think I wanna marry you
[ALL CHEERING]
Is it the look in your eyes
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares, baby
I think I wanna marry you
Well, I know a little chapel...
[ALL CHEERING]
No one will know
Come on, girl
Who cares if we're trashed Got a pocket full of cash we can blow
Shots of Patrén
And it's on, girl
[NINE INCH NAILS' "CLOSER" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
MAN [SINGING]: You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you
Help me...
[ALL CHEERING]
Help me I've got no soul to sell
Help me The only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you...
[ALL CHEERING]
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is ﬂawed
[ALL CHEERING]
You get me closer to God
[ALL CHEERING]
ROME: Marry me!
Ravage me! Please! What?
All right, let's slow it down, ladies.
We got some serious things to talk about right now!
All right, is there anybody up in here...
...that ain't on birth control?
Oh, no. I'm keeping it real with you, ladies.
Because there's about to be some grown-woman shit up in here tonight!
So if you ain't on birth control, we have...
...illuminated exit signs to your left and your right.
All right?
But I'm looking for two grown-ass women...
...to deal with these grown-ass men coming to the stage.
What?
Ungh.
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
I see me a beauty queen right here.
Zoe. I heard about you.
I heard you real grown with it. Come here.
Don't be scared.
Give her some encouragement, queens. Come on, let's not hate.
I know we wish it was us tonight, but it's her.
She's the lucky one. She's the lucky one!
What? Yeah.
All right, beautiful, have a seat.
Don't worry. You're going to be well taken care of, I promise.
These two don't need an introduction.
[ALL CHEERING]
[112'S "ANYWHERE" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
MAN [SINGING]: Here we are all alone
You and me, privacy
And we can do anything Your fantasy
I wanna make your dreams come true
Can you hear? She's calling me
Between your legs Loud and clear
I wanna talk back to her Make love to her
I wanna hear you scream my name...
[ALL CHEERING]
I'm kissing you Running my fingers through your hair
In the hallway Making love away beside the stairs
We can do it anywhere
[JEREMIH'S "ALL THE TIME" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
WOMAN [SINGING]: Early in the morning's when I think about you
I hit you like what you sayin'
And the morning's when I wanna **** you
Yeah, I hit you like what you sayin'
I could **** you all the time...
[ALL CHEERING]
MAN: Face time on the go
She gave me dome from the distance
She love to climb on top But she love to walk off limping...
[ALL CHEERING]
[R. KELLY'S "COOKIE" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
MAN [SINGING]: Cookie, cookie, cookie, I'm a cookie monster
Break your back, crack it open like a lobster
I kill the pussy, dig a Grave
She grab the wood like grippin' Grain
I told her put it in my face
Let it rain, let it rain
Girl I got a sweet tooth Ain't nothin' sweeter than you
I'm-a eat it up, beat it up Till you holler out truce
My bed could be your stage And I'm-a make you a star
Your legs in the air and my hands all up In your cookie jar, like mmm
Like an Oreo
I love to lick the middle like an Oreo Turn it up
Oreo, Oreo, like an Oreo
I wanna bite it and get inside it Till I get you gone
Wanna know how I get down? Wanna know how I get down?
You wonder how I'm the best And how I can do all this with my mouth?
Wanna know how I get down? Wanna know how I get down?
[ALL CHEERING]
MIKE: I see somebody got their smile back!
ZOE: I did.
[ZOE CHUCKLES]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[FIREWORKS POPPING]
[English - US - SDH]