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There's been no breakthrough
in the month-long negotiations

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to find a way out
of Europe's financial crisis.

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Getting the French, Germans and
British out of their economic mess

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has so far eluded
all three governments,

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with the result that Greece,
Ireland, Spain, Portugal and Italy

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00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:53,240
are still economic disaster zones
teetering on the edge of bankruptcy.

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00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:56,840
When the Prime Minister emerged
from the talks earlier this morning,

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he seemed surprisingly calm,
yet he refused to speak to reporters.

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We understand that he's due
to appear on the One O'Clock News

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00:01:04,100 --> 00:01:06,060
before going to Chequers
for the weekend.

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So, Prime Minister,
the pound is falling,

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the FTSE is dropping like a stone,
inflation could be on the way up,

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your coalition is divided, and now
the conference on the Euro crisis

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looks like a dead end. It's all
a bit of a disaster, isn't it?

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You know, I'm glad you asked me that.

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So...would you like
to give us an answer? Yes.

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Yes, it looks like a disaster?

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No, no, it's not a disaster and, yes,
I'd like to answer the question.

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Please don't interrupt
until after I've finished speaking.

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To you, it may look like a disaster,

21
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but you don't know what's been
going on inside Lancaster House.

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No, that's why I'm asking about it.
No.

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No, you're asking if it's all a
disaster. Typically loaded question.

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Completely prejudicial.

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Have you ever considered asking
something open-minded like,

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"How are negotiations going?"

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Fine. How are negotiations going?

28
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Well, obviously,
I can't tell you that, they're...

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they're confidential.

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But... I can tell you
there has been much progress,

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a frank exchange of views,

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and we all have an increasingly
clear understanding of the situation.

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Like the crew of the Titanic
when they hit the iceberg?

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No, there's a great deal of goodwill
and each country wants an agreement.

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But each country
wants a different agreement.

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If we all wanted the same thing,
we wouldn't be here negotiating.

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There'd be no need to negotiate.

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No, the fact of the matter is,
we all have to pull together,

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tighten our belts,
we need some give and take.

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'Because if, at the end of the day,

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'we all want a better tomorrow,'

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we're all in the same boat.

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The SS Titanic.

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No, not the Titanic!

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Nothing else to ask?

46
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I was waiting to be sure I wasn't
interrupting. Today's Friday.

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Monday is the last day
of this economic summit.

48
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Is there any likelihood
of an agreement by then?

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The Treaty of Rome
wasn't built in a day, you know.

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HE CHUCKLES

51
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At the very least,

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we'll have done some invaluable
groundwork for the next conference.

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You said that
after the last conference. I did.

54
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And, do you know, I believe
that consistency is important.

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Thank you, Prime Minister.
Thank you.

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'And the main headline again -
there is still no sign of agreement

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'at the Lancaster House conference.

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'The Prime Minister has denied

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'that the European Union
is sailing on the Titanic.

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'And now the weather.'

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'It's a gloomy forecast
for the next couple of days

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'with further severe thunderstorms,
I'm afraid,

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'heading in towards London
and the Home Counties...'

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Why did you allow him
to give that interview?

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I couldn't stop him, Sir Humphrey.
He's so desperate for attention.

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Everything's so awful.

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What is awful, Bernard?

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All these jobs going.
Interest rates.

69
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Repossessions. Fear of inflation.

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Oh, yes. Terrible.

71
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You don't sound terribly worried,
Sir Humphrey.

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Bernard, I'm not being sacked,
repossessed or inflated.

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Nor is the Prime Minister,
but he's worried stiff.

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Well, so he should be.
You don't sympathise with him?

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Bernard, that's the deal. That's
how prime ministers' careers go.

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They get to be on the front page
every day for years,

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which they love.

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They travel the long path, Bernard,

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from euphoric triumph
to ignominious failure.

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And then they make way
for the next saviour of the nation.

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It's called democracy.

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It beats me why anyone would want
to be Prime Minister.

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It's the only top job that
requires no previous experience.

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No training, no qualifications
and limited intelligence.

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Sir Humphrey, you do believe
in democracy, don't you?

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Do I, Bernard?

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Well, actually, no.

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Not as most people understand it.
You see, Bernard,

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democracy should not be about
executing the will of the people.

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No, it should be the process whereby
we secure the consent of the people

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to the policies of those qualified
to decide on their behalf.

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Like who? Like us, Bernard!

93
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Well, I believe in democracy,
Sir Humphrey.

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It does you credit.

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And if all the voters were
as informed and as intelligent as...

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Well, say me, or even you, Bernard,
then, yes, that could possibly work.

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But it's hardly realistic.

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Well, obviously,
we have to stop the government
from making stupid mistakes.

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But I am there to help him.

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Bernard, we have a leadership crisis
in this country

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and if the government can't or
won't exercise it, it falls to us,

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whether we want it or not.

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I know. Power abhors a vacuum.

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And we are currently led by one.

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And it's made even worse
because he has no overall majority.

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A hung parliament's a bad thing?

107
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Yes, Bernard,
hanging's too good for them.

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Well at least
the coalition agreement that
they came up with seems reasonable.

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Well, of course it is, Bernard,
I wrote it for them.

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If the Prime Minister
wants to do something silly,

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we can make sure that
his coalition partners stop him.

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And we should exercise power,
Bernard,

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because we have nothing
to gain or lose personally.

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We have respectable salaries,
honours, an office, a chauffeur...

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Well, I haven't got a chauffeur.

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You will, Bernard, when you grow up.

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We end up with an index-linked
pension, a bank directorship,

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a couple of nicely remunerated
quangos

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and a cottage in the Dordogne.

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So we can be even-handed
in our judgments

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and make them entirely
in the public interest.

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That interview went pretty well,
didn't it?

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Didn't you think so?

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You didn't think so?

125
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Well, it wasn't that bad, was it?

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Was it?

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You thought it was that bad?
Oh, my God!

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Why did you give that interview?

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Somebody has to give
a positive impression.

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Honestly, Jim,
I am head of your policy unit,

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I wish you'd talk to me
before revealing to the nation

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just how awful everything is.

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Will you be able
to get some sort of agreement?

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Doesn't look like it. Dealing with
the Europeans is like herding cats.

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Being President of Europe
isn't enough.

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Europe is an empire,
it needs an emperor.

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You mean you. Well, of course,
it's not for...

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Yeah, please don't say that
to the BBC.

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No. No, I'll try not to.

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We can't govern Europe
without joining the euro.

141
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Why not? We governed India
without joining the rupee.

142
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So what's the agenda
for this weekend?

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Oh, find a way
of ending this conference

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without looking
like a complete idiot.

145
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:06,480
Um, why haven't you invited
the Foreign Secretary to Chequers?

146
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:08,080
The Foreign Secretary?

147
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:09,620
Well, he does have an interest.

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His only interest is in pushing me
overboard and taking my job.

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And you haven't invited
the Chancellor either.

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No, Sir Humphrey advised me

151
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not to ask either of them, actually.
Why not?

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He wants a quiet weekend, he says,
just the home team -

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you, me, him and Bernard.

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Hmm, that's so unlike him.
He's up to something.

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I'll find out.

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And we'll try to come up
with some sort of final communique.

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That'll make it a success?

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Claire, dealing with Europe
isn't about achieving success,

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it's about concealing failure.

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PHONE RINGS

161
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Yes?

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The Prime Minister's arrived.
How does he sound?

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Irritable. Ah.

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But things may not seem so bad soon

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when we tell the Prime Minister
about Kumranistan.

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00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,340
European Central Bank to the rescue.

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00:09:04,340 --> 00:09:08,280
Bernard! Do not mention the ECB
to the Prime Minister.

168
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:10,320
No, Sir Humphrey.
And whatever you do,

169
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:12,560
don't let him know
that that Kumranistan plan

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00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:15,120
is dependent on
our joining the euro.

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00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:17,480
But it does say so
in the ECB proposal.

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00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:20,120
Yes, but not until page 67,

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and he never gets beyond page three
of anything.

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00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:26,520
And then he jumps
to the last paragraph.

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But conceal this report,
just in case.

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Vehicle Licensing Centre, Swansea?
Yes.

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00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,580
Bottom of the, er, fifth box.
Fifth box.

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00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:42,800
He'll never find it.

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00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:46,100
This had better work, Bernard.
You know his views on Europe.

180
00:09:46,100 --> 00:09:49,300
Well, I know he's afraid
Brussels wants to take away
most of his powers.

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00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:53,140
They already have.
And so they should.

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00:09:53,140 --> 00:09:56,400
All we need him to do
is to preside at tonight's dinner,

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pretend he's read this Kumranistan
plan, and leave the rest to us.

184
00:10:00,660 --> 00:10:05,200
Sorry I'm late!
It's been a terrible day.

185
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,720
Any particular reason?
You've read about the Cabinet split?

186
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:11,520
Yes. And you've seen
what's happened to the FTSE? Yes.

187
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:14,380
And the pound? Yes.
And the inflation forecast? Yes.

188
00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:17,480
And the rising unemployment figures?
Yes.

189
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:20,660
So how many particular reasons
do you want? Well...

190
00:10:20,660 --> 00:10:23,240
And now this Lancaster House
conference

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00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:25,300
is turning into a catastrophe.

192
00:10:25,300 --> 00:10:27,160
Well, it was your idea
to convene it.

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00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,160
If you become President of Europe

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00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:32,880
in the middle of the biggest
financial crisis for 80 years...

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00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,360
Prime Minister, with respect,

196
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,880
there is no such title
as President of Europe.

197
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:39,620
Oh, you are so pedantic, Bernard!

198
00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,780
All right,
what is my official title, then?

199
00:10:43,780 --> 00:10:45,320
President of the European Council?

200
00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:48,500
Ah, no, Prime Minister, the
Presidency of the European Council

201
00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:50,320
went to the Belgian Prime Minister.

202
00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:52,400
Who is completely unknown!

203
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,180
Well, obviously, he's Belgian.

204
00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:59,320
And not elected.
Appointed, in secret!

205
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:02,360
Of course,
you wouldn't have a problem
with that, would you, Humphrey?

206
00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:04,920
Oh, Prime Minister,
you do me an injustice.

207
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,960
I am all in favour of elections,

208
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,780
provided the right people
do the voting.

209
00:11:09,780 --> 00:11:13,360
I don't understand this. I'm sure
I'm President of the Council.

210
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:15,520
I remember being in the Chair.

211
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:18,280
Well, it is a little confusing,
Prime Minister.

212
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:19,520
You see, we, the British,

213
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:22,760
have the Presidency of the Council
of the European Union...

214
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:24,680
That's what I said! Er, no.

215
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:28,440
The European Council and
the Council of the European Union
are not the same thing.

216
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:32,180
The President of the European
Council is there for 30 months

217
00:11:32,180 --> 00:11:34,840
and is in charge of...
Well, preparing the agenda

218
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:37,680
and chairing the meetings
of the European Council.

219
00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:41,600
Whereas the Presidency of
the Council of the European Union

220
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:44,360
is held for six months each
by rotating states,

221
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,060
and not by individual leaders,
and not by you.

222
00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:51,920
So which of them really runs Europe?

223
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,080
Oh, I see!

224
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,100
Neither.

225
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:58,280
Prime Minister,
let me simplify it for you.

226
00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:02,000
The European Union is run on an
intricate and sophisticated system

227
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,500
based on an hierarchical structure

228
00:12:04,500 --> 00:12:07,960
of interlocking
and overlapping jurisdictions,

229
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,840
designed to separate the powers

230
00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:14,040
while reinforcing the authority
of the departments, institutions

231
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:18,360
and agencies who collectively
and separately control and supervise

232
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:22,080
the diverse activities of the Union
and its associated organisations.

233
00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:26,740
So...Europe is actually run

234
00:12:26,740 --> 00:12:30,040
by the President
of the European Commission,

235
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,440
who is akin to
the Prime Minister of Europe

236
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:36,500
because he's elected
and he heads a Cabinet government.

237
00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:41,800
But the President of the Council,
he is, in fact, appointed,

238
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:45,140
not elected, and he presides over
the meetings of that Council,

239
00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:47,600
which is not the Cabinet.

240
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:51,340
Then, Prime Minister, there is
the Council of the European Union.

241
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:57,860
Now, Britain currently
has that presidency

242
00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:01,480
and while you are
the rotating president,

243
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:05,200
the presidency itself
is not yours personally.

244
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,980
That simplifies it?!

245
00:13:13,383 --> 00:13:15,743
Prime Minister,
what it all boils down to,

246
00:13:15,743 --> 00:13:17,523
as far as you're concerned,

247
00:13:17,523 --> 00:13:19,923
is the difference
between years of being head

248
00:13:19,923 --> 00:13:22,963
of an empire
of nearly 500 million people

249
00:13:22,963 --> 00:13:25,803
and chairing the Council
of Ministers for six months.

250
00:13:25,803 --> 00:13:30,023
The fact of the matter is, I am the
President, or I have the presidency -

251
00:13:30,023 --> 00:13:32,303
I don't give a hoot what we call it!

252
00:13:32,303 --> 00:13:36,143
And I convened the conference
on this dreadful recession

253
00:13:36,143 --> 00:13:40,103
and the resulting Euro crisis.
I had to do something.

254
00:13:40,103 --> 00:13:43,003
And the conference was something,
so you did it. Well done.

255
00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:50,643
But now it's falling apart,
which might just about finish me.

256
00:13:50,643 --> 00:13:53,623
Well, Prime Minister,
it might not be falling apart.

257
00:13:53,623 --> 00:13:57,283
Oh, did you see my interview on TV
this lunchtime?

258
00:13:57,283 --> 00:13:59,223
Yes, Prime Minister. How was it?

259
00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:03,683
What was wrong with it?

260
00:14:03,683 --> 00:14:06,523
Ours not to reason why,
ours but to do and die.

261
00:14:07,863 --> 00:14:10,343
You just said the conference
may not be falling apart.

262
00:14:10,343 --> 00:14:11,763
Don't you know what's going on?

263
00:14:11,763 --> 00:14:15,423
Don't you keep up? Haven't you
been reading the conference reports?

264
00:14:15,423 --> 00:14:17,303
I have. Have you?

265
00:14:18,823 --> 00:14:23,103
Not my fault!
The spade work wasn't done properly.

266
00:14:23,103 --> 00:14:26,703
The Foreign Office
and the Treasury let me down badly.

267
00:14:26,703 --> 00:14:28,183
I think the Foreign Secretary

268
00:14:28,183 --> 00:14:30,943
and the Chancellor are plotting
to get rid of me already.

269
00:14:30,943 --> 00:14:33,703
Well, that's why I suggested
not inviting them this weekend.

270
00:14:33,703 --> 00:14:37,383
But everyone knows you have
to agree the final bulletin

271
00:14:37,383 --> 00:14:40,423
before the conference begins.

272
00:14:40,423 --> 00:14:45,283
But instead of having everything
nailed down before they all convened,

273
00:14:45,283 --> 00:14:47,743
they left it to chance. Useless!

274
00:14:47,743 --> 00:14:50,263
Forsan miseros meliora sequentur.

275
00:14:50,263 --> 00:14:53,303
Oh! Oh, yes, very, very good!

276
00:14:54,823 --> 00:14:56,023
What?

277
00:14:56,023 --> 00:14:59,623
"For those in misery,
perhaps better things will follow."

278
00:14:59,623 --> 00:15:02,243
Well said, Bernard.

279
00:15:02,243 --> 00:15:04,703
I...I didn't actually say that.
That was Virgil.

280
00:15:04,703 --> 00:15:06,103
Yes, I know that, Bernard.

281
00:15:06,103 --> 00:15:11,683
It was completely predictable. The
Krauts don't want a stimulus plan,

282
00:15:11,683 --> 00:15:14,783
they're terrified
of runaway inflation.

283
00:15:14,783 --> 00:15:18,303
That's what destroyed the Weimar
Republic and brought them Hitler.

284
00:15:18,303 --> 00:15:24,003
The Wops and the Dagoes are up
to their armpits in debt already.

285
00:15:24,003 --> 00:15:27,963
The Frogs only want it
if France gets all the benefits...

286
00:15:27,963 --> 00:15:30,783
Prime Minister,
I really think you should stop

287
00:15:30,783 --> 00:15:34,883
using these vintage pejorative
epithets to describe our allies.

288
00:15:34,883 --> 00:15:37,383
They might slip out
in public sometime.

289
00:15:37,383 --> 00:15:39,283
Quite right, Bernard. Thank you.

290
00:15:39,283 --> 00:15:43,583
And the Micks and the Polacks
aren't getting the subsidies

291
00:15:43,583 --> 00:15:47,523
they were promised,
which they regard as a betrayal.

292
00:15:47,523 --> 00:15:51,523
So it is time for me to get hands-on
and give some leadership.

293
00:15:51,523 --> 00:15:52,863
Oh, good.

294
00:15:52,863 --> 00:15:54,023
So...

295
00:15:54,023 --> 00:15:55,743
Tell me what I should do.

296
00:15:55,743 --> 00:15:57,303
Oh!

297
00:15:57,303 --> 00:16:00,843
Now, that's just
the kind of leadership we need.

298
00:16:00,843 --> 00:16:03,283
Oh, thank you, Humphrey!

299
00:16:03,283 --> 00:16:06,363
And, Prime Minister,
we have good news for you.

300
00:16:06,363 --> 00:16:09,303
Late last night we had
a breakthrough at Lancaster House.

301
00:16:09,303 --> 00:16:11,083
A new player
has appeared on the scene.

302
00:16:11,083 --> 00:16:13,223
The Americans?
Are they coming after all?

303
00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:16,203
Ah, no, Prime Minster,
their position is immutable.

304
00:16:16,203 --> 00:16:18,223
They will not come
to this conference

305
00:16:18,223 --> 00:16:20,123
because you won't let them
chair it.

306
00:16:20,123 --> 00:16:24,123
I can't let them chair
a European conference, Humphrey.

307
00:16:24,123 --> 00:16:25,603
Look at the map!

308
00:16:28,843 --> 00:16:31,763
Well, it could become
an international conference,
Prime Minister.

309
00:16:31,763 --> 00:16:34,863
That could save
the whole European financial system

310
00:16:34,863 --> 00:16:36,763
from melting down again.

311
00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:40,063
Oh, don't be silly Humphrey,
I'd lose face.

312
00:16:40,063 --> 00:16:42,683
Oh, yes, of course. Silly me.

313
00:16:42,683 --> 00:16:45,483
Prime Minister,
the Kumranistanis have joined us.

314
00:16:45,483 --> 00:16:46,483
Good!

315
00:16:48,163 --> 00:16:50,043
Have I heard of them?

316
00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:52,523
Prime Minister, they have oil.

317
00:16:52,523 --> 00:16:57,623
Yes. Massive new reserves of oil
have been found in Kumranistan.

318
00:16:57,623 --> 00:17:02,923
Now, they're offering a possible
ten trillion dollar loan to Europe,

319
00:17:02,923 --> 00:17:05,163
secured against future purchases.

320
00:17:05,163 --> 00:17:07,043
But that could solve everything! Yes.

321
00:17:07,043 --> 00:17:08,603
Save the conference! Yes.

322
00:17:08,603 --> 00:17:10,963
Save Europe, in fact!
BOTH: Yes.

323
00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:13,363
"Triumph for the Prime Minister!"

324
00:17:14,623 --> 00:17:16,883
"Victory for
the President of Europe!"

325
00:17:16,883 --> 00:17:19,083
Er, Prime Minister, you are not...

326
00:17:19,083 --> 00:17:21,863
"Victory for
the President of Europe," Humphrey.

327
00:17:21,863 --> 00:17:23,383
Might even save your job.

328
00:17:23,383 --> 00:17:26,023
My job is perfectly safe.

329
00:17:26,023 --> 00:17:28,623
Other people have survived
with small majorities.

330
00:17:28,623 --> 00:17:34,063
Wilson had a majority of four
in 1964 and he lasted six years.

331
00:17:34,063 --> 00:17:36,343
But he did have to fight
a second election pretty soon

332
00:17:36,343 --> 00:17:37,923
to get a working majority.

333
00:17:37,923 --> 00:17:39,043
And Wilson had hair.

334
00:17:44,223 --> 00:17:46,143
What are you saying, Bernard?

335
00:17:46,143 --> 00:17:49,063
Well, it's just that
no Prime Minister or US President

336
00:17:49,063 --> 00:17:51,143
has been elected
without a full head of hair

337
00:17:51,143 --> 00:17:53,543
since Eisenhower
and Churchill in the 1950s.

338
00:17:57,543 --> 00:18:00,503
So I'm saying you did
magnificently well

339
00:18:00,503 --> 00:18:03,223
to cobble together
a majority of two.

340
00:18:03,223 --> 00:18:07,343
I had hair when I was first elected.

341
00:18:07,343 --> 00:18:11,223
I lost my hair in the service
of my country.

342
00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:14,723
Indeed you did, Prime Minister.
Indeed.

343
00:18:14,723 --> 00:18:20,223
Prime Minister, this Kumranistan
deal could solve all your problems.

344
00:18:20,223 --> 00:18:21,783
Fine. Where do I sign?

345
00:18:21,783 --> 00:18:25,503
No, we're not quite there yet.
They do want something in exchange.

346
00:18:25,503 --> 00:18:27,763
You know where Kumranistan is? Yes.

347
00:18:30,023 --> 00:18:33,163
Well, sort of.
You know, it's over there.

348
00:18:34,723 --> 00:18:36,903
It lies in Turkestan,

349
00:18:36,903 --> 00:18:40,803
to the north of Uzbekistan,
Kazakhstan and Afghanistan.

350
00:18:40,803 --> 00:18:43,863
Here, in fact. As I said. Exactly.

351
00:18:43,863 --> 00:18:47,043
Now, they had been planning
to take their oil to Europe

352
00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:48,823
through the Soviet pipeline.

353
00:18:48,823 --> 00:18:52,163
They're not Soviets any more,
Humphrey. They're Russians.

354
00:18:52,163 --> 00:18:55,043
They haven't been Soviets
for over 20 years.

355
00:18:55,043 --> 00:18:57,863
They still are in spirit,
and always will be.

356
00:18:57,863 --> 00:19:00,803
The, um, Russians want
a pretty huge payment.

357
00:19:00,803 --> 00:19:03,363
Which Kumranistan
does not want to pay,

358
00:19:03,363 --> 00:19:07,363
since the Soviets will have
their hands on the pipeline tap.

359
00:19:07,363 --> 00:19:08,963
So, with a little prompting from us,

360
00:19:08,963 --> 00:19:11,263
the Kumranistanis came up
with a plan B -

361
00:19:11,263 --> 00:19:14,423
a pipeline through Turkey, Greece
and southern Europe,

362
00:19:14,423 --> 00:19:16,223
avoiding Russia altogether.

363
00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:18,823
What they need now
is European agreement.

364
00:19:18,823 --> 00:19:22,623
And that's what they're prepared
to lend us ten trillion dollars for.

365
00:19:22,623 --> 00:19:23,903
Why?

366
00:19:23,903 --> 00:19:28,423
They want the guarantee of future
oil purchases by everyone in the EU.

367
00:19:28,423 --> 00:19:30,143
No, I don't get it.

368
00:19:30,143 --> 00:19:32,843
It's awfully simple, Prime Minister.

369
00:19:34,163 --> 00:19:38,723
Kumranistan will lend Europe
the money to buy Kumranistan's oil.

370
00:19:38,723 --> 00:19:41,883
And Europe borrows
another ten trillion? More debt?!

371
00:19:41,883 --> 00:19:45,063
Oh, the debt is not a problem. It
doesn't have to be repaid for years.

372
00:19:45,063 --> 00:19:49,083
See, we get the money now,
interest free, but we repay it

373
00:19:49,083 --> 00:19:52,443
in the future when we buy the oil
that we will need anyway.

374
00:19:52,443 --> 00:19:53,923
So how do they make their money?

375
00:19:53,923 --> 00:19:56,963
Ah, we will have to pay
a premium on the oil... Ah!

376
00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:58,963
But not for many years to come...

377
00:19:58,963 --> 00:20:01,403
when there will be
a different government.

378
00:20:04,683 --> 00:20:06,603
Well, that's all right, then.

379
00:20:08,383 --> 00:20:10,283
Are all the Europeans on board?

380
00:20:10,283 --> 00:20:11,923
They are, Prime Minister.

381
00:20:11,923 --> 00:20:14,643
And the problems
are what we've been negotiating,

382
00:20:14,643 --> 00:20:17,323
as you will have seen
in your red boxes. Yes.

383
00:20:18,323 --> 00:20:19,743
But remind me.

384
00:20:19,743 --> 00:20:23,443
Well, as you'll doubtless remember,
the Turks refused to cooperate

385
00:20:23,443 --> 00:20:26,243
unless they were admitted
to the European Union.

386
00:20:26,243 --> 00:20:28,023
Now, I see their point.

387
00:20:28,023 --> 00:20:30,463
I've always had a soft spot
for Johnny Turk.

388
00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:34,023
Johnny Turk?
You're on first name terms, then?

389
00:20:34,023 --> 00:20:35,923
PRIME MINISTER CHUCKLES
Oh!

390
00:20:35,923 --> 00:20:38,643
HUMPHREY FORCES LAUGHTER

391
00:20:38,643 --> 00:20:40,723
Yes, that's very droll,
Prime Minister.

392
00:20:40,723 --> 00:20:43,283
Turkey is an important ally -

393
00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:45,023
they are the only Muslim country

394
00:20:45,023 --> 00:20:48,123
with a secular democracy,
Prime Minister. We do need...

395
00:20:48,123 --> 00:20:49,643
Johnny Turk, yes.

396
00:20:49,643 --> 00:20:52,243
Anyway, everything is agreed.

397
00:20:53,443 --> 00:20:56,603
Everyone gets a share
in the construction.

398
00:20:58,003 --> 00:20:59,763
Here's the route.

399
00:21:08,763 --> 00:21:10,603
Well, that looks
pretty straightforward!

400
00:21:13,123 --> 00:21:14,883
We're saved! Yes.

401
00:21:14,883 --> 00:21:17,463
But why didn't I know about all this?

402
00:21:17,463 --> 00:21:21,063
It's top secret. Oh, good God,
Humphrey, I'm the Prime Minister!

403
00:21:21,063 --> 00:21:22,083
Yes, I know!

404
00:21:23,743 --> 00:21:26,403
And what an excellent
Prime Minister you are!

405
00:21:26,403 --> 00:21:28,183
But this had to be kept under wraps.

406
00:21:28,183 --> 00:21:31,943
If this had leaked this week, the
money markets would have gone mad.

407
00:21:31,943 --> 00:21:35,703
I see. Well, is that everything
I need to know? Yes.

408
00:21:35,703 --> 00:21:38,243
Well, there is one more thing.
Bernard!

409
00:21:39,743 --> 00:21:42,943
A power group in Kumranistan
still want the Russian route.

410
00:21:42,943 --> 00:21:45,463
Oh, Bernard is absolutely right,
Prime Minister.

411
00:21:45,463 --> 00:21:47,303
They didn't want to upset
the Soviets.

412
00:21:47,303 --> 00:21:50,743
Well, it is understandable -
they do share a border.

413
00:21:50,743 --> 00:21:53,283
But the Kumranistan
Foreign Secretary,

414
00:21:53,283 --> 00:21:57,543
he has come over here
to offer us the deal if we want it.

415
00:21:57,543 --> 00:22:00,823
Well, invite him to dinner! Tonight!
I did, Prime Minister.

416
00:22:00,823 --> 00:22:02,623
That's why we're here.

417
00:22:04,223 --> 00:22:05,943
And he can do the deal? Now?

418
00:22:05,943 --> 00:22:08,263
Yes, he has the authority,
Prime Minister,

419
00:22:08,263 --> 00:22:10,563
but he needs careful handling.

420
00:22:10,563 --> 00:22:13,803
They are very sensitive
about respect.

421
00:22:13,803 --> 00:22:17,503
You get an awful lot of respect
for ten trillion dollars.

422
00:22:17,503 --> 00:22:19,703
He can have all mine, for a start.

423
00:22:19,703 --> 00:22:22,083
Oh, excellent, Prime Minister!

424
00:22:23,583 --> 00:22:24,583
Bernard!

425
00:22:25,623 --> 00:22:26,823
Yes, Prime Minister?

426
00:22:26,823 --> 00:22:29,283
There's something
you're not happy about. What is it?

427
00:22:29,283 --> 00:22:32,663
Well, I'm not really sure I can...
Oh, spit it out, Bernard!

428
00:22:32,663 --> 00:22:34,723
Well, I...

429
00:22:34,723 --> 00:22:38,463
Ah. Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes.

430
00:22:38,463 --> 00:22:40,383
What?

431
00:22:40,383 --> 00:22:44,503
"I fear the Greeks,
especially when they bring gifts."

432
00:22:49,543 --> 00:22:52,083
Remember the Trojan Horse,
Prime Minister.

433
00:22:57,863 --> 00:23:00,163
The Greeks can't afford gifts!

434
00:23:08,203 --> 00:23:13,243
Ah. Claire? Could you come
to my study, please? Now!

435
00:23:16,023 --> 00:23:18,323
Right.
HE MURMURS

436
00:23:23,363 --> 00:23:25,083
KNOCK ON DOOR

437
00:23:25,083 --> 00:23:26,783
Yes, come in.

438
00:23:26,783 --> 00:23:31,523
Ah, Claire. There's something I
don't know about this pipeline plan.

439
00:23:31,523 --> 00:23:34,883
I've just been finding out about it.
What is it Humphrey
hasn't been telling me?

440
00:23:34,883 --> 00:23:37,303
Well, how about the truth?
What have you found out?

441
00:23:37,303 --> 00:23:38,883
Well, I'll tell you when I'm sure.

442
00:23:38,883 --> 00:23:41,703
HE SIGHS
Maybe there's something in here?

443
00:23:41,703 --> 00:23:43,703
Was that the bottom box? Of course.

444
00:23:43,703 --> 00:23:46,803
Yup. Try the bottom file. Oh, yes!

445
00:23:49,283 --> 00:23:52,023
Vehicle Licensing Centre, Swansea.

446
00:23:53,763 --> 00:23:55,143
Yes!

447
00:23:57,303 --> 00:24:00,543
"Proposal
for Kumranistan Oil Pipeline."

448
00:24:00,543 --> 00:24:03,303
I think it could be
about the pipeline mechanics.

449
00:24:03,303 --> 00:24:06,663
Oh, I don't care about the mechanics,
I'm not an engineer.

450
00:24:06,663 --> 00:24:09,943
No, fiscal mechanics, Jim -
financial engineering.

451
00:24:09,943 --> 00:24:12,283
Perhaps Humphrey has arranged
for the proposed loan

452
00:24:12,283 --> 00:24:15,183
to go through the European Central
Bank, and isn't mentioning it.

453
00:24:15,183 --> 00:24:16,243
Is that important?

454
00:24:21,783 --> 00:24:23,423
Yes.

455
00:24:23,423 --> 00:24:27,703
Yes. If so, if we want any of the
loan, we'll have to join the euro.

456
00:24:27,703 --> 00:24:31,903
We can't join the euro,
it would be a catastrophe!

457
00:24:31,903 --> 00:24:36,103
Look what's happened to Greece,
Spain, Italy, Ireland, Portugal!

458
00:24:36,103 --> 00:24:39,103
Hand over control of interest rates,

459
00:24:39,103 --> 00:24:41,183
control of exchange rates,

460
00:24:41,183 --> 00:24:43,263
control of the money supply?

461
00:24:43,263 --> 00:24:45,983
What if I need to inflate
to get re-elected?

462
00:24:49,223 --> 00:24:52,743
If the Germans are worried
about rising prices,

463
00:24:52,743 --> 00:24:55,863
the ECB could deflate
and I could get kicked out!

464
00:24:55,863 --> 00:24:58,423
Candidly, I'm not sure
that would bother Sir Humphrey.

465
00:24:58,423 --> 00:24:59,863
Well, let's find out.

466
00:25:02,883 --> 00:25:06,023
Yes, Bernard, tell Humphrey
I want to see him, please.

467
00:25:06,023 --> 00:25:10,483
MOBILE RINGS
No, no, any time within
the next ten seconds will do!

468
00:25:12,483 --> 00:25:15,343
Yes? It's come through?

469
00:25:15,343 --> 00:25:17,823
From the Controller General?

470
00:25:17,823 --> 00:25:21,663
Great, could you print it all out?
And I'll come and get it right away.

471
00:25:21,663 --> 00:25:24,163
KNOCK ON DOOR

472
00:25:24,163 --> 00:25:25,383
Oh.

473
00:25:25,383 --> 00:25:27,683
Ah, Humphrey!

474
00:25:33,383 --> 00:25:36,163
Prime Minister? Do sit down.

475
00:25:38,143 --> 00:25:42,983
Tell me,
what would a Cabinet Secretary do

476
00:25:42,983 --> 00:25:46,083
if he thought that a Prime Minister
was set on a course

477
00:25:46,083 --> 00:25:48,583
that was seriously damaging
to Britain?

478
00:25:48,583 --> 00:25:51,743
Do you have any particular Cabinet
Secretary or Prime Minister in mind?

479
00:25:51,743 --> 00:25:54,403
No, no, purely hypothetical.

480
00:25:54,403 --> 00:25:57,503
Well, the Cabinet Secretary
would have to argue very strongly.

481
00:25:57,503 --> 00:26:00,443
But if he failed
to persuade the Prime Minister?

482
00:26:00,443 --> 00:26:01,763
No, I mean he'd HAVE to.

483
00:26:01,763 --> 00:26:06,703
Ah. So what you're saying is, he'd
have to go along with it or resign.

484
00:26:06,703 --> 00:26:08,083
Er...

485
00:26:09,783 --> 00:26:11,403
Yes, I suppose I am.

486
00:26:11,403 --> 00:26:12,443
Right!

487
00:26:14,683 --> 00:26:19,203
This Kumranistan loan
is all good news, isn't it?

488
00:26:19,203 --> 00:26:21,323
Oh, tremendous news.

489
00:26:21,323 --> 00:26:25,043
There are no hidden snags, you know?
Terms and conditions?

490
00:26:25,043 --> 00:26:27,843
Penalty clauses? Tough guarantees?

491
00:26:27,843 --> 00:26:30,043
Oh, no. Nothing like that.
Standard agreement.

492
00:26:30,043 --> 00:26:34,083
Great! Just an ordinary treasury
loan, as far as we're concerned?

493
00:26:34,083 --> 00:26:36,183
In a sense, yes. In a sense?

494
00:26:36,183 --> 00:26:38,683
Well, in due course,
following agreed procedures,

495
00:26:38,683 --> 00:26:40,403
after certain formalities.

496
00:26:40,403 --> 00:26:42,823
But the money goes straight
to the Treasury?

497
00:26:42,823 --> 00:26:45,783
HUMPHREY CHUCKLES
Oh, it goes to the Treasury,
of course, yes.

498
00:26:45,783 --> 00:26:48,643
STRAIGHT to the Treasury?

499
00:26:48,643 --> 00:26:51,463
Well broadly speaking, yes.
More or less. Broadly speaking?

500
00:26:51,463 --> 00:26:54,603
How would you describe it
if you were narrowly speaking?

501
00:26:56,163 --> 00:26:59,523
Does it have to go
through the European Central Bank?

502
00:26:59,523 --> 00:27:02,603
Prime Minister, we get the money,
that is what matters.

503
00:27:02,603 --> 00:27:06,463
Let me put this another way -
will this loan be in euros?

504
00:27:06,463 --> 00:27:11,463
Prime Minister, I do urge you not
to clutter your mind with procedural
detail and monetary trivia.

505
00:27:11,463 --> 00:27:14,563
Humphrey! In words of one syllable,

506
00:27:14,563 --> 00:27:18,323
is this plan dependent
on our abandoning sterling

507
00:27:18,323 --> 00:27:19,723
and joining the euro?

508
00:27:19,723 --> 00:27:22,183
Well, "dependent"
has three syllables

509
00:27:22,183 --> 00:27:24,223
and "a-ban-don-ing" has four.

510
00:27:24,223 --> 00:27:25,983
HUMPHREY FORCES LAUGHTER

511
00:27:25,983 --> 00:27:27,623
But, yes... Oh, good heavens!

512
00:27:27,623 --> 00:27:29,863
Oh, look at the time, Prime Minster!

513
00:27:29,863 --> 00:27:31,423
It's almost time for your dinner

514
00:27:31,423 --> 00:27:33,463
with
the Kumranistan Foreign Minister.

515
00:27:33,463 --> 00:27:35,043
Now, you really must not be late.

516
00:27:35,043 --> 00:27:37,043
Humphrey!

517
00:27:37,043 --> 00:27:38,683
Answer my question!

518
00:27:38,683 --> 00:27:40,223
All right, Prime Minister.

519
00:27:40,223 --> 00:27:44,263
You've asked a straight question
and I'll give you a straight answer,

520
00:27:44,263 --> 00:27:47,383
which, however,
clearly depends on its context.

521
00:27:47,383 --> 00:27:50,683
In the course
of all financial negotiations,

522
00:27:50,683 --> 00:27:54,343
certain provisos have to be
pre-cogitated and preconditioned,

523
00:27:54,343 --> 00:27:57,963
various caveats have
to be postulated, designated,

524
00:27:57,963 --> 00:27:59,683
investigated and specified

525
00:27:59,683 --> 00:28:03,623
and a number of considerations
have to be unequivocally determined,

526
00:28:03,623 --> 00:28:06,263
acknowledged, and, indeed,
sometimes even conceded,

527
00:28:06,263 --> 00:28:09,883
so that we can facilitate the
finalisation of preliminary plans

528
00:28:09,883 --> 00:28:12,703
to create an epistemological basis

529
00:28:12,703 --> 00:28:17,883
for all parties to proceed towards
a mutually beneficial consummation,

530
00:28:17,883 --> 00:28:22,403
which will acknowledge
and safeguard the vital interests
of all the participants

531
00:28:22,403 --> 00:28:26,743
without jeopardising
in any material way
the underlying collective benefits

532
00:28:26,743 --> 00:28:28,883
ultimately accruing
to the signatories,

533
00:28:28,883 --> 00:28:31,803
or leaving unresolved
any anomalies or irregularities

534
00:28:31,803 --> 00:28:35,383
which could precipitate operational
uncertainty down the line,

535
00:28:35,383 --> 00:28:38,643
so that there will be a presumed
modicum of iron-clad reciprocity,

536
00:28:38,643 --> 00:28:42,203
which, in the great scheme
of things, will be
to everybody's advantage.

537
00:28:48,883 --> 00:28:50,163
Did that mean yes or no?

538
00:28:51,523 --> 00:28:55,803
Don't you think that yes and no
are rather broad and unspecific
in their application?

539
00:28:55,803 --> 00:28:57,603
No!

540
00:28:57,603 --> 00:29:00,803
I want a clear, unambiguous answer.

541
00:29:00,803 --> 00:29:04,163
Certainly.
What was the question again?

542
00:29:04,163 --> 00:29:07,503
Is joining the euro
a condition of getting the loan?

543
00:29:07,503 --> 00:29:10,263
Well, in the sense that, if
agreement, at the end of the day...

544
00:29:10,263 --> 00:29:15,023
Humphrey! I repeat - is joining the
euro a condition of getting the loan?

545
00:29:16,063 --> 00:29:18,003
Yes, Prime Minister.

546
00:29:43,363 --> 00:29:46,363
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