Action!
What can I do for you?
- Pour me some scotch. - Scotch, gin, vodka...
Are the only things you ask me. I don't recognize you anymore.
You're not yourself anymore. What can I do for you?
It's so lovely here! The sea, the wind...
Oh, look! A falling star.
A legend, here in Saxony, has it that for any star that falls...
...a wish will become true. - I have no wishes anymore, Magda
I'm a poet, you know that. I can feel desire only for impossible dreams.
Nothing is impossible, Max, for two who are in love. But you're trembling.
What's happening to you? Can I do anything for you?
I love you, Max! What can I do for you?
- Give him an hand job! - What's happening to you, Max?
- He can't get a boner. - It's so hot!
- He has the dick frozen like an icicle. - She's got her period.
- No. - Yeah, look how inflated hers panties are!
- She's got a pussy that seems a dick. - Max!
Hers period... you won't even fuck her.
Did he fuck her already?
And now he fucks her again. Casalieri told me.
He fucks her three times.
Max, for the last time! Take me, I'm yours!
I'm yours, Max! Take me.
Magda, I can't! No, Magda! No!
Well then he's a faggot. This is not a movie.
It's anything but "Max the womanizer"!
A movie with a queer main character it's an affront to italian people.
- Sit down and let's us see how is going to end. - The end is that he can't have boner.
I talk as much as I want. There's no notice saying "speaking actors...silent viewers".
- Shut Up, Cioni! - I can talk as much as I want.
- Let see how is going to end... - Max, please, I beg you.
- Go away, Magda! - Fuck off! - Silence!
Silence my arse! I talk as much I want.
As a citizen I have the right to criticize any movie.
Whatever! Especially if the main character is a faggot.
Do you like it, don't you? I know why you like it!
How you like this movie! I understood what it's about.
- Magda, it's so difficult. - I shall teach you how to do it!
- If you don't like it, then go away! - We go, of course!
We just came to go away.
Let's go! Come on!
It is possible that you...
- Let's go! - The medical tests are clear
I have only got a few weeks left to live!
No!
Maybe he doesn't fuck her because she's his sister.
Well then it should have been titled "Max the relative"...
...not "Max the womanizer".
Cinema is a swindle.
I won’t return to it.
And yet people goes to the movies! Theatres are always full.
One thousand liras just to listen to fake moans. Because they're faking it.
At least once show us something we haven't see in real life.
Show us a naked woman laying here. Have you never seen a naked woman there?
They show us a pinball machine, a table...but I have seen them already.
Besides let actors speak properly.
They make one say: "I...Miss, would like to speak..."
He meant: "I would like to fuck" Why they don't let him saying that?
When they're about to make love, here he comes the censor...
Here comes the censor and cuts the scene.
I would follow him all the way home...
...and while he pisses, I would cut the scene.
When they were making love in the movie he timed that...
...then I would time him. I would like to see if he can make it with a clock on him.
Cinema gets you pissed off, for me instead it's my way of relaxing. So?
Cinema is chamomile tea of the world.
It relaxes you! The world instead is the coffee of men.
- It gets you pissed off. - We are not at the bar!
Look at all those brioches! What a marvel!
If women would be brioches, I would have breakfast all the time.
What a style! Sport is fine, isn't it?
- Fine! - Sure, but for me the pussy is still the finest thing...
...there is, today, in Italy.
- What a shitty Sunday! - You work all week long...
...and when Sunday comes you just look forward to come back to work.
You jerk off all week long thinking: "Sunday, I'll fuck".
Instead when Sunday comes nothing happens.
Then you think: "Well, at least tomorrow is Monday I'm going to jerk off".
Love doesn't exist
It's just a fairy tale
Cioni, let's go pick up ladies at that cheap dance hall.
Are all elderlys there. They are an easy lay.
Elderly lays, are healthy lays!
- I'm gonna kill myself. - Me too. - Shut up!
Why do you fuck me around? A suffering man asks for a little respect, at least from a friend
Look there what a nice family!
Dad, mom and two kids.
At least two times he fucked her for sure.
Now they eat, then they take a dump soon they'll go home.
While kids are sleeping they fuck like bunnies.
Then they get up, and again they eat, then they take a dump...
This is the life, not mine! I don't have either brothers or sisters
- A man without close relatives. - Your mother? - Shut up!
- Is she sick? - She's even too healthy.
- Why? - She's not a human mother, she's a freak of nature.
I'm at breaking point for a son.
She's so stingy that she wouldn't eat just for not having to shit.
In the evening she use to say: "Come here, turn on the radio, let's talk a little bit."
"Keep company to your mother!" I reply: "I go to the movies"
Then she says: "Go, go to the movie, go to spend money!"
"You leave me alone and when you'll be back, you'll find me dead."
- My mother do the same too. - They're women without men.
Your mother used to do like this with you father, now she wants to do it with you.
But your father bended her doggy style and pleasured her.
- Instead you don't. - To a widow even her own son's dick will do it.
But because she can't have it in ass, she talks to it.
- One ticket. - Pairs only. - But I want to get in.
- Pairs only! - Please! - Stop being a pain in the arse!
- One ticket! - Get lost!
What time did you arrive? We are a couple.
- 3.000 liras, 2.000 for the man, 1.000 for the woman. - Here there are 1.000 liras.
Thanks. Let's go.
- Excuse me. - Three tickets.
What do they want? They are three. Come on, darling. Let's go!
Elderly lays, are healthy lays. But this is a nearing death lay!
- Give me my change back. - Don't undressing me!
- Let me give a look at the ballroom. - Wait!
This is really dancing!
There are more varicose veins than floor tiles.
What a cute little grandaddy!
Life will always be pale.
- Tomorrow will be the same as today. - Hurry up!
You would mean "yesterday", not "tomorrow".
Tomorrow?
Tomorrow...perhaps it would be better if we don't even get through it.
- Do you dance? - Dance with you? Get lost, look at you short-arse.
- So you're a faggot. - Don't be a pain in the arse!
Give me a Coke, so I get drunk then I'll hit the sack.
Here it seems to be at an auction of 5th century furniture.
Instead I own a solid clothes hook of the 20th century, got it?
Enjoy it, slut!
Even a filthy bitch would suits me!
I like the married ones and the young virgins!
I always have a single bed.
It would be nice to have a double bed for once!
What will be...
...of my life without you?
Like that river over there.
Like that river there, in front of me.
I ran down...
...the mountains towards you
And you were there...
...with yours eyes in front of me.
What will be...
...of my life without you?
Like that river over there.
(loudspeaker) Cioni Mario, please go at the cash desk.
I ran down...
...the mountains towards you
And you were there...
...with yours eyes in front of me.
It's not raining anymore.
The river of my love has no more water flowing into you.
I can't feel anymore...
...hers soul inside of me.
(loudspeaker) Cioni Mario, urgently at the cash desk!
An announcement, please.
"Cioni Mario...!" I don't understand a fucking thing about this handwriting.
"Must run home immediately because his mother has died!"
"Cioni Mario must run home immediately because his mother has died!"
Oh, Mario!
- Oh, Cioni! - Oh, Mario!
The pig's shit of turds into the ass...
...boobies full of piss...
...with turds that comes out from boobies...
...from bowels of calves with bride's thighs...
...that comes out from the thighs...
...too many jerk off into the dick...
... too many dicks into the ass wich are coming from thighs...
...and coming back to the legs with the mommy...
...into the granny's blowjob...
...which smash into her body...
...he licks her back...
...than she spits on his bollocks and licks his back...
...coming through clods and she rubs herself against the grass...
...with all the naked mommys who rub themselves ...
...tumbling and tossing on their back with their slamming boobies...
...that are without milk and who bare themselves among cows...
...wich sneak into the grass...
...that stick between their teeth and then they spit it on the ground...
...and they put many jerk off into the pussy...
...and they come all together...
...they come all together...
...and they look at him from far away him filthy and dirty beck...
and the bride's thighs with the husband...
...and all the relatives stick their willies into her...
...and they take a relative... who's taking this relative?
With the flesh into the body, with the body into the flesh...
...and the mother lying down between turfs...
...flails about all the turfs...
...then she comes back on the ground...
...and all the relatives...
INCOMPREHENSIBLE WORDS
She's dead.
My mother has died!
I am alive, I am...
...a living son of a dead mother.
I wonder...how did she go?
Hell, Purgatory, Heaven.
Lost, Drew, Won.
This...
In Hell if you swear the Devil comes
If I swear God gets pissed off.
You're six feet under the ground talking with the Devil...
...and I am under the bridge and God is silent, stays quiet.
God doesn't discuss...
You're in hell with the Devil's warm...
...and I'm under the bridge with God's cold.
So...
You spend all your life without jerking off to go to Heaven...
then you die and you think: "Now I can jerk off peacefully!"
"I'm dead for a jerk off"
Instead God arrives and says: "No! Jerking off is an hellish thing!
Well if so I made a mistake...
I came here for...
I’m wrong.
I am dead...
Mother...
Now I'll give myself 700 handjobs just before dying.
Then I go to hell and I tell the Devil...
"Before dying I gave myself 700 handjobs!"
He'll answer: "Well done, as a reward I give you a blowjob."
I go for real.
At least I go to mommy.
Now I begin, so I go to mommy.
Who cares?
Let's go with the first handjob!
I ran away from home. My father doesn't want me to go out with you.
He said:"You can't go out with that dirty slut!"
- He was talking about you! - Well done.
Don't come back in that house, stay with me.
I'll lick your pussy from morning till night.
You make me leap with joy, Fabiana!
Are you friends? Did you hurt yourself, miss?
- Who's that? - I don't know, he's gross. He's ugly!
- Did you hurt yourself? - I'll stick a finger in your ass!
Your arm...
How did you broke your arm?
Jerking me off.
How did you do that? I don't get it.
- Dont' be a pain in the arse! Fuck off! - Sorry.
Fuck off!
- Do you dance? - Excuse me.
- I'm sorry. - I beg your pardon.
Here's another one! To kiss her you need a chisel. A quick drying fuck.
Mister!
- What's up? - Excuse me, I would like to pass through.
- Then, pass! - There's water.
- So what? - I don't want to get wet. Can you help me?
- So I'll get wet. - What do I care?
Lift me up with your strong arms just like only you can.
You have a nice neck, but the tie is of awful taste.
Run, little horse! Run, little horse!
- Run, little horse! - How much do you weight? - What business is it of yours?
You make me spin, you make me spin like if i was a doll.
You filthy pig, what are you looking at? I could be your mother.
- My mother died last night. - Did you kill her?
What?
You make me spin, you make me spin like if i was a doll.
Murderer!
Revolting toad! You fuck!
Bloody hell! Cursed be the cock that got me pregnant!
You've been whoring all night long!
- With those filthy whores! - I thought you were dead.
Like hell I am! I buried your father...
...then that sweet angel of your little sister.
- Whose turn is it now? - I got it, mom. - Whose?
- Cioni Mario's turn. - Right!
Hey!
Don't you come at work with us?
It was just a joke! After all your mother is alive.
We didn't kill her for real.
Do you want to know the truth?
Do you want to know who had the idea? It was Ignorante's idea.
Mario!
You're so dumb, poor thing!
- I know. - You make me sick just looking at you.
- I know. - You're dumb and ugly.
- You disgust at all the people of the world. - I know.
You're not a human being, you are a worm.
- I know. - Mario!
- Mummy! - You make me have a stomachache.
God is not fair. He took me away your little sister when she was 4.
She was an angel.
I tried everything to abort you, but I didn't manage to do it.
You've wanted to born against my will. Are you happy now?
You're my suffering, my continuous grumble.
You're my daylight suffering and my nightmare night.
God, keep me from the temptation of drowning him.
Mario, you disgust me!
You throw into turmoil my sensitive soul of woman.
- You get the collywobbles! - What a piece of ass you are!
So, this is it.
We are that kind of people who are a little ill...
...during the day we take the plunge and at night we skip dinners against our will.
I can scream it loud, till I get weak...
...we are that kind of people who don't fuck 'cause we aren't of the bunch the pick.
We are that kind of people who at the cinema roam...
...just to see naked women and jerking off at home.
And yet nature teaches us, both on mountain and on valley scrub...
...you could become a butterfly even if you've been born grub.
We are that kind of people who has a stain.
Grub we have born and grub will be remain.
That kind of people we are, it's useless to pretend...
we've been fucked by poverty and pregnant forever we'll be stand.
- Nice one! - Did you like it? - Yes, but now I've an headache.
- An headache? - Yes. - What? - My head.
- An headache? - Yes - I'll ride the bike so you can rest a little.
- I've an headache. - An headache? - Yes.
Good Heavens! What a stink! She never has a wash.
What a lightning storm!
What a thunder! It's enough to be scared shitless.
It's stifling here!
But it's better a mother's stink than nobody's perfume.
So, so.
Good Heavens! It smells like a sewer.
What's up? Is it raining?
It feels wet!
Mario, what have you done?
- You mustn't piss into mummy's bed. - I'm scared, it's raining.
Tomorrow these sheets will be for your bed.
- I'm scared sleeping alone. - I loathe to sleep with you.
What's the matter with you, Mario?
- Come to mummy! - No, please mummy! You stink!
Are you scared sleeping alone, aren't you?
Your mummy knows how to smooth things over.
Tomorrow Martini and his daughter come to visit us.
- No! - Yes, they'll come.
She's pretty, always neatly combed...
- She looks like your soul mate. - She has a limp.
So what? What do you expect a woman with both legs?
Neither you are so sane, my dear son. You still piss in bed.
- If you piss on her fake leg she will not feel a thing.
Marry her, so you aren't going to sleep alone anymore.
She's a good housewife, her father told me so.
So I could get some rest too, I'm getting older and older. Do it for me!
It's as if you were marrying your mummy.
It rains!
- Get a move on! we're late! - He's dumb! - Come on, hurry up!
- He's ugly! - What do you expect? Marlon Brando? - Let's go home.
Stop it, otherwise I'll break you the other leg.
He's a decent sort of chap, he's an hard worker too.
When his mother die, the land and the house belong to him as of right.
Besides, if he doesn't marries you, you're going to die virgin.
- I would like better to become a nun. Stop it or I'll give you a slap!
In that family nobody's a die hard. The father's died...
...the sisters has died at 4 and the mother will not last long.
He hasn't ever felt a pussy for sure.
You let him fuck twice, he'll die one on top of you, we arrange a nice funeral...
...then the land is ours. Got it?
- Ouch, it hurts! - What are you going to say?
- "Madam..." - "I would have thought..."
"...to get engage to you of my own free will..."
- You're so cute! - I look like a blood pudding.
- I don't want to marry her, she's lame! - Stop it! - Fine.
Now listen to me.
I'm going to take his father to see the land so we'll leave you alone.
Told her she's nice...
...that you like her so much, that you might fall in love with her...
...that you're ready to take the plunge. On the contrary, do not talk about "plunges".
She's lame! Don't talk about legs, dancing or taking the plunge.
If you have to take a dump, take it now before they arrive. Here they are!
You, behave!
Martini, what a surprise! I was waiting for you later.
I didn't prepare anything and the home is untidy.
Let's go in miss, my boy is waiting for you.
- Martini... - How do you do Mrs? - Fine.
- What about the land? - Let me show you.
Oh, misfortune of my earthly life!
Horrible big cloud that darkens the goodness of mine's sunny heart.
Decayed tooth wich gives me pain during mastication.
Hump of sins wich tarnish my catholic back virginity.
Who's there? Who's screaming?
You should get a stroke at your's vocal chords.
This is a church, not a brothel.
- I'm dyeing, father! - What's going on?
Don't even make me say it! Just look at him!
25 years old and he makes me sick just looking at him. I don't know what to do anymore.
I've found him a girlfriend and he scares her off.
He spends all day in bathroom with those magazine with naked women, doing...
Don't even make me say it! Help him, please!
Give him something, give him an host.
Mario! You should have a paralysis at your nuts!
Have you heard about Elio?
At first he became a one-eyed person then jerking off more and more...
...they had to put his leg in a plaster.
If you keep jerking off...
...one day, you will not find anything more left down there.
It will get all consumed! It will get all consumed!
Your mother, she has worn herself out touching herself, it's so that she's nothing down there.
- Stop it! - I'm dyeing, father! Dyeing!
- What else he's doing? - He embodies the Devil himself
...Lucifer's embodiment, my life's embarrassment!
Always slagging off God, the Madonna, the saints, the Apostles!
You should get varicose veins at your cock! Are you a moron?
- Here you mustn't swear, for that bitch of Eve! - I'm dyeing!
- Stop it! - I'm dyeing! - What else?
He spends all days in the field talking to Berlinguer.
- Anything is growing there. - Mario!
You should get an "Internationale" cancer!
You are an idiot!
- The ear? - The ear? - Yeah.
- What ear? - The ear is the ear!
- The ear? - Always the ear!
- Even the boss take his chance, not just the simple worker. - What does he risk?
He risks that somebody kidnaps his son at 20 and cuts off his ear.
To him they cut off his ear at 20 years old...
...we've been fucked in the ass since we've been born.
Damn those columns that hold this world!
Damn that solar system of the Moon!
Shall the Milky Way get jammed with the rings!
Damn it that Pluto dog!
- What's up? - Ask me how I'm feeling and I'll answer you...
..."I feel bad". - Why do you come to work with us?
Why? Are you thinking you're doing well?
Yesterday I saw Buio's prescription.
He "suffers from depression with a weak neurovegetative system".
In two or three months he could become stupid!
I'm waiting for a mystical crisis.
- Do not talk about God! - What's the matter with you?
- I can't hear talking about god! - Why?
The only slyness of God is that He doesn't exist.
Because if He'd have existed and if he'd have found me on his way...
...now He would be in trouble! I'm telling you!
Guys we're cursing all day long.
If we got it wrong, we're sunk!
We have to be rebelliouses, we need dictatorship of the proletariat.
- Or at least anarchy. - Proletariat's dictatorship, it's a dictatorship just the same.
Yes, but meantime we scratch along for 2.000 years, then we shall see.
I'm worried about Berlinguer.
Recently he seems to be a little sluggish.
Berlinguer?
Berlinguer is not sluggish, he loves us.
I love Berlinguer too...
...but the problem here is not to get engaged with Berlinguer, but to bring about a revolution. - We'll do it.
Berlinguer should just give us the start.
He should appear on TV, without warning anybody.
He should get furtively in a show and just say...
"Good evening. Comrades...go!"
- That's what... - Why he doesn't do that?
He is busy.
- He has family. - Let's go play cards.
Communism is going to come by itself even without Berlinguer.
Communism it's like when you come for the first time as a kid, it comes spontaneously...
...you ask yourself: "What's happened?" Nothing's happened...
...what wasn't working now works and you can enjoy.
Communism will come this way.
People is like a kid who's never jerked off before.
One day the People will wake up and will ask: "What's happened?"
"Nothing, People. You just came!"
"What wasn't working now works and you can enjoy!"
Communism it's like when you come for the first time before jerking off.
(Loudspeaker) Tonight, 9 p.m. at Majakovskij's house of people...
...there will be hold a debate on...
..."Can woman be equal to man?"
Comerade Vladimiro Tegoloni will join in the debate.
Peasant citizens, join in and provide...
...a magnificent turnout at the meeting. - Poker!
You lucky bastard! I give up, I don't play anymore.
- Do I owe money to anybody? - Not to me - To me neither.
- You owe 4.000 liras to me. - 4.000 liras?
- I don't have it. - Instant payment. - I can't.
- Pay, kid! - Wait a few days.
- No, then I may forget about it. - It's just 4.000 liras.
- It's enough to go whoring. - Cioni...
Your mother...how is she?
What do you mean?
How is she down there? At the ovarys level, in short.
She's still a cute bride.
Cioni, you tell her: "Mummy, I owe 4.000 liras to Bozzone."
"4.000 liras whores are just like you"
"Tonight he'll come here, you let him put it in a bain-marie."
If she was a modern mother, she will do it for you.
- Are you kidding? No, she gets pissed off. - No I get pissed off.
Come on, Cioni! He doesn't want to fuck you in the ass, just your mother.
- She'll never agree. - Listen, kid.
Now i go home, I have a wash and I rinse it well.
Then I'll come out joyful for the conjugal deed I'm going to experience.
For 4.000 liras I don't demand a permanent union with her.
I don't want to awake in you...
...the recollection of your father struck dead by lightning.
But I want to awake in her, just for one night...
...the thrill of the 30 years ago's fuck.
- Well done, this is the great kindness of man. - What a fine speech!
- You sounded like Kennedy to me. - I thought you were more ignorant. - I've got my style.
Cioni, we'll see you tonight after the news.
Bye.
It's going to be hard.
Excuse me, are you going that way?
Excuse me, I...thanks!
Thank you.
I'm sorry for hitchhiking dressed like this...
...but I missed the bus. - My name is Marta. - Mine is Esther.
- Yours? - Me? Mario. Excuse me...
Is this the right way to the Majakovskij's "house of people"?
- Are you married? - Yes...no!
I live with my mother, we are not married. Excuse me.
- I give you a shell as a present. - A shell!
- Do you want it? - Thanks.
- If you put it near your ear you can hear the sea. - Thanks!
Shafffff! You can hear it for real!
Amazing! "A ballroom on the sea..."
- Excuse me! - Never mind. - It brings that song to mind...
- Can I keep it? - Sure, I gave it to you.
So you can put near your ear and you can think about the sea and about me.
Me and you at the seaside?
- Excuse me! - Never mind. - Excuse me for the approach.
I was kidding.
We use to go often at the seaside with a small company of friends.
If you want, you give me your phone number... Or even better, I give you mine.
- Have you got a piece of paper? - No.
I want to write it down to you so you can call me and we go all together.
Write on my hand. Thanks.
What a nice number!
It's really a beautiful number.
Thanks!
- What do you think about women? - Me?
Nothing. Women and men for me are the same.
89! 12!
23! 47!
17! 58!
90! 77!
3! 9!
90... 45!
2! 65!
59!
39!
67! 12!
80! 78!
38!
25! 34!
- 24! - Bingo!
Enough with the Bingo!
Enough with the Bingo! Entertaining time is over.
Now it will start the cultural time.
Sit down!
For first the title and the subject of the debate.
As the saying goes...
..."A pussy's hair is stronger than a couple of oxes"...
...I yield the floor to these two young ladies. Here it's the theme of the debate.
"Can woman try to be equal to man?"
No!
Yes!
Let's start to debate.
- Cioni Mario asked to address the meeting. - No, I just wanted the prize...
Come here, you lucky bastard!
- Pardon my French. - We don't... - Hi.
Hi. We didn't want to give you a lecture, but only...
- Blow me! - Another "blow me!" I hear I'll smash his skull!
I beg you pardon, please go on.
We would like just to have little chat with you about women's problem in this society.
- At the end we'll make a conclusion from what has been said. - Bring a drink to the ladies.
Ok, I go get it.
Excuse me. I thought a little about this issue...
Angry women and stuff like that.
Oh well, the woman, the woman, the woman, but...what about the man?
Give me something to drink for the feminists! I know them well.
I know them very well, as a matter of fact we are friends.
Give me some wine.
Why you didn't wanted to try with me...
...what is it the real pleasure a man can give today in Italy?
I'm for sexual equality.
Except for me 'cause I'm too superior and I keep my wife tamed...
...but to the other women should be given more freedom.
- Whose turn is now to speak? - In some case it's right...
...but even men have their suffering.
I used to go to make love with one girl from another village...
...every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.
Ten kilometres by foot, sometimes even when was raining.
Sometimes she should have come at my place!
You've been married for 4 months and you aren't pregnant yet.
Are you "stingy"? Or don't you know how to fuck? How do the things stand?
You married Moreno, that wanker!
"I like Moreno!!!"
"I want Moreno! My real true love!"
Go to give a fuck you and Moreno. Let's go.
Feminism, women's issues, women...
And what about men?
- Here it is. I went downstairs. - Cioni
Four male friends play cards.
Win some, lose some, Win some, lose some.
Three win, one loses.
They ask him to pay, but he doesn't have the money.
Gaming debt, debt of honour.
You'll pay in kind!
He doesn't have cows and the calf ran away.
You'll give us your mummy and the debt is paid.
I've been to Saint Moritz, in Switzerland.
It's a wonderful place, a really poshy place.
Mentholated cigarettes, champagne...
I've fucked every woman who stayed at my hotel.
Two actresses were staring at me...
..."Pleasure to meet you, I'm an actress." an I: "So blow me this extra!"
I laid her and I fucked her.
Is the soup so funny?
There are comic such soups!
Your father also used to laugh when he was eating soup.
He used to tell me: "Filthy whore, watching you eating gets me an hard on!"
I used to take it in my mouth after I ate the warm soup.
He said: "Oh! What a warm mouth!" Then he died.
Eat, Mario!
Do you remember that dad, before he got the cancer...
...used to tell me the story of the man without dick?
- Was it good, wasn't it? - What was it saying?
The man without dick asked his father...
"Excuse me, where you can find a dick?"
The dad answered: "In the country of the broken asses!"
"How can I get there?"
"You go straight on and you'll find a wall of pussies!"
"Don't even look at them, go towards the sea and you'll find the bollocks tree."
"Do not pick them, they are still unripe!"
"Forward you're going to find the shits, follow the green grass path..."
"...then you'll find the country of the broken asses." - Thank you.
He thanked him and hit the road. But he had to pee...
...and he couldn't do it.
He had to pee more and more and at last he blew up.
He made a lake of piss and the people said...
"...look what a giant piss!"
"Who's made it must have a huge dick"
Instead he didn't have it at all!
Mummy...
I maybe...
...I don't know...
...maybe I don't deserve it... I don't know...
But I...
...love you.
Really.
Seriously.
When they told me you were dead it remained "indelible."
I'm sorr...
If someone come and tell me: "Mario!"
"Oh!", I answer.
"Mario, if I give you half Africa, would you give your mummy to me?
May I?
Bozzone, sorry for the mess.
- I clean then it's bed time. - Now she cleans then it's bed time.
Well done, Cioni.
We built a good go-kart with a love engine!
How it's good go go-karting driving faster than 100 Km per hour!
Go-kart! What a thrill, what a joy!
Are you done cleaning?
- Mario! - If you want to call it Mario... - What's that? - It's a flying saucer.
I like you, antelope!
You're too free in your manner! Use the "voi" form with me.
Let's go! Cock's time has come!
Quit blattering and swallow down, big female wild boar!
- You're making a mother cry this way. - Then I'll make the son enjoys!
- Strip yourself naked, I'll put it in your ass" - Oh!
- You're making a mother cry. - Give my money back then!
I don't have them.
- Oh! oh! - Miss!
There's no escape.
Close you eyes and open your cunt, female hippo.
- Oh! - May I?
Hey! You're making cry...
Bozzone! You're disgusting!
Where did you hide, turkey-hen?
You're disgusting, Bozzone!
Mummy! Bozzone, you're disgusting!
You're disgusting, Bozzone!
You're disgusting!
You're disgusting, Bozzone!
- What's up? - Did you see Bozzone? - No.
- Is there Rita? - No, there's a new one. She's nice.
What a nice jacket! What fur is this?
- Pussy's hair. There she is! - Bye.
Hey, are you a newcomer?
Come here, dimwit!
How much is it? Tell me all the prices so I know how to act with you?
For an handjob? In that case I give a handjob myself.
How much for a blowjob?
What have you got? A golden mouth? For fuck you I need all my monthly income.
Rita was cheaper.
Much cheaper.
How much for the ass?
Why is the ass always so expensive?
Maybe because by the ass got through less dicks...
...but by the ass passed through a lot of turds!
I've never tried to put it in someone's ass.
Would you like it? I wonder what's the feeling would be!
Doggy style, down at the bottom!
No, the ass...
The ass could be even a man's ass.
Bozzone comes with an hard on, he puts it into my ass...
...and he says: "Enjoy, Rita!"
I say: "I am Mario." He replays: "It's the same"
Man's ass is a little more hairy.
But the pussy, guys...
The pussy is...
A man with a pussy is...
...a woman!
Come here.
In the ass should have passed more turds, but less dicks.
Instead in the pussy...
Dicks, piss, tongue, hands...
Menstruation, babies...downward!
I give myself an handjob.
Well, then why I came whoring?
"Guys, I'm going whoring to give myself an handjob!"
"Go, if you want."
What's the price for a blowjob?
Deal, come here.
Come one!
What a roundy head! On the seaside...
What...how...
But you can't speak.
And I can't piss.
What's your name?
Stop muttering.
A guy go whoring even for a small talk.
While the master he's warm in his castle made of bricks...
...we outside feel such cold we can't even find our dicks!
Those are things that make you shiver.
But there will be the time we will make him with fear quiver.
Moreno, have you seen Bozzone?
I wash!
Washing mugs clean! Interesting, isn't it?
At least here there's warm water...
...and there's the highway.
One day I get pissed off, I take the car...
...an I go to Viterbo.
But then what do I do in Viterbo?
Maybe there they'll call me "the foreigner".
Well, then I stay here and if someone from Viterbo comes...
...I'll call him "the foreigner".
Here there's warm water and maybe at Viterbo there's only cold water.
Fuck off to Viterbo!
- I have cancer! - What kind?
Stomach cancer. I've been to the doctor. You got it, dumbass?
You were keep saying : "You're healthy, just paunchy."
Instead I'm not paunchy, I'm distended.
I'm distended for the cancer.
I'm happy, at least you stop it.
I used to tell you I felt sick.
Feel it, Cioni. I have cancer!
And I'm happy so this dumbass...
At least you stop it. I'm not paunchy, I'm distended.
Feel it you too, dumbass.
Hi, Cioni.
What's the matter with you? I don't see you much "righteous".
Nothing, modern men's problems.
I don't have them. I'm a faggot.
Come on! Anyway...
"Anyway" my arse!
- I heard you at the bar! - Me? - Yes, you.
"Here comes the faggot!"
"Prepare a coffee for the fairy!" Fairy? Fuck that!
- Do you have the courage to tell me that to my face. - I've never told you were...
I always said you are a man.
I'm a faggot!
- Don't you get it? - I got it, fine.
- Tell me how do they call me at the village. - They call you "fairy".
No, say it well.
- Fairy!!! - There. Are you happy now?
You talk without even knowing what it means.
In every village there are: the priest, the idiot and the faggot.
Others are just there to swell the crowd, others count for nothing.
At least I'm the faggot, but who are you?
I don't know.
- What's that? - Look.
Oh God, what a tenderness!
God knows how may handjobs you gave yourself before this!
Look!
Look at that!
- It's just a mushroom, there's plenty of them. - But this one is lethal.
If i ate it I could die?
For sure, look at it!
It's disgusting.
In this winter night, better be on a cold ben...
...as faggots than as modern men.
- Furio! - What?
If you were a modern man, what would you do?
It should be a problem. Goodbye, Cioni.
What a good sleep! Whatever can it be?
How nice to restart sleeping as well as when I was a child!
I'm starving! Whatever can it be?
I've got many things to do, but I'm happy. Whatever can it be?
What a beautiful day!
Whatever can it be?
I no longer know what I am or what I'm doing
Now I'm burning, now I'm made of ice...
Young or old, what's the difference?
Since we came into the world better act like wiseguys.
There are cocks, there are hens...
Hens live to get eaten by us.
Even us, we must be into the world for a reason!
I'd like to but yet I would not, my heart trembles a little.
Good morning, dear son!
Poisonous, lethal!
I met Furio tonight, do you remember him?
He gave me this mushroom.
And he told me: "This mushroom is poisonous!"
"If you eat it, you die"
I ate it, to try the effect.
- If it was poisonous I would be dead now. - Of course
Instead I'm still alive.
Actually why I should want to die?
I have an home, some friends, my mummy...
- It's right, Isn't it mummy? - Yes
I played at card with my friends...
...someone lost, someone won.
- But it was just for fun, you don't ask money from friends. - Of course.
Even Bozzone...
He won and everyone said: "Pay up!"
He was serious but he was joking. I told him I didn't have the money...
...so he said: "So I'll come".
At the end he wanted absolutely to come.
Of course.
Did you come? Fine. But as he's come so he's gone.
"As it comes, so it goes!"
As he's come so he's gone away.
- Of course - You can joke about everything...
...except my mummy, leave her in peace.
I have only one mummy.
I have only one myself even.
But I love more my one mummy...
than the one myself...
...I don't care about myself.
But you, mummy...
As he's come so he's gone away.
Is he gone, isn't he? Mummy!
This morning, with those loose hair, you look like an angel to me.
If they see you, they'll say: "Look what an angel!"
This morning you look like that to me.
- You seem like an angel... - Of course.
- When you see an angel... - Of course, of course!
Mummy, you're really beautiful this morning.
Really. Can I give you a kiss?
Come here, mummy.
May I?
I'll go getting ready.
Bozzone, what have you done?
Did you talk with your mother?
You should have seen her this morning.
When she went downstairs I thought she was going to beat me, instead she was singing.
But this time has gone too far, you took off your trousers!
- She's a mummy, not a cunt. - I know.
Sorry! Do you want your 4.000 liras?
I don't have them, don't worry however. I'll give them to you in a few days.
- Don't worry. - I don't want them.
I'll bring them to you. We'll meet at the dance hall.
- I'm waiting for her. We're going... - No! I'll talk with her.
We're going to mass together.
- To mass? - Yes, Cioni. - At the church.
- God exist. - No! - Yes.
- Why? - Because yes.
- How is it possible? - You see, Cioni...
The bricklayer made the house, but who's made the bricklayer?
- The bricklayer's dad. - And who's made the dad?
- The dad of the dad of the bricklayer. - Right.
And the dad of the dad of the bricklayer....
...has been made by the dad of the dad of the dad...
...and so on up to the first dad of the first bricklayer.
But who's made the first dad of the first bricklayer? God!
- No. - Yes.
And then who's made God?
God? You don't worry about that.
Here I am!
Let's go, we'll be late.
Bye Mario. We go.
See you, Cioni.
(chorus) Power to the People!
Now! Now! Power to the People!
Workers must have the power! Workers must have the power!
- My name is Marta. - Mine is Esther. - Nice to meet you.
- Yours? - Me? Mario. Excuse me...
- Excuse me! - Never mind.
Is this the right way to the Majakovskij's "house of people"?
I'm going there too. Have you got any relatives there?
- No. Are you married?
- Yes...no!
I live with my mother, we are not married. Excuse me.
- I want to give you a present.
- If you put it near your ear you can hear the sea. - Thanks!
Is it a shell? Shafffff!
You can hear it for real! "A ballroom on the sea..."
Sorry, It brings that song to mind...
- Can I keep it? - Sure, I gave it to you.
So you can put near your ear...
...you can think about the sea and about me.
I didn't take it amiss.
It was especially for you, because I don't...
For me just to have him lifted up...
I brought him last time...
It's been two seasons ago...
He's become a little disrespectful.
No! He didn't scared me.
When he's come back he was all pissed off.
I told him: "Get pissed off..."
"...however I don't stumble almost never."
We had such a good time. You can bring him here again sometimes.
Listen...maybe he was a little boring.
He was boring.
He was boring, but...wait.
Mummy, she's lame! I don't want her!
Mario what's the matter with you? You sleep all day long.
We are just the two of us. If you sleep then I'm all alone.
You sleep or you're out. Life is being there, being awake!
If only we could be in three! If one's asleep, the others two can talk a bit.
But if we are just the two of us and one he's asleep, it's like to be alone.
If one is alone and sleep?
Exactly. If only we could be in three!
No!
You can sleep as much you want while the others two watch him.
No three no, mummy. I don't sleep anymore, make me a coffee.
- I'll make it later, now we eat. - No make it now. Immediately!
Prepare me the 12 cups percolator. I drink it all.
I'll sell the bed and I'll buy 10 percolators.
When I'm about to fall asleep...
...I turn on the gas. Psssss!
I wake up immediately and I say to you: "How you doing, mummy?"
"Come here. I shall not sleep anymore, we'll be just me and you."
"You...me..."
"You, me and the coffee."
- Come here, I give you a kiss. - Mario!
I've never kissed you either when you were a kid!
- Grown up women kiss just their husbands. - Just one kiss.
Last one.
May I?
Sorry for being late.
In all modesty, I've brought these two or three pastries.
- Thanks! - Who are these for?
- For the swines. They are for us. - Thank you, Bozzone.
For who of us?
For us they. For us us!
For me, for the lady and for you.
- There are three pastries. - Thank you, Bozzone.
Well then eat yours and go.
Because we use to eat them after lunch.
We use to eat them after lunch as well.
- Do they dine at the same time at your home? - Yes.
Then go or you're going to be late.
I keep you company for a minute.
Thank you, Bozzone!
- I've got the plate already. - I haven't!
Let's eat! Of straw or hay get the body to weigh.
Come on, Mario! Sit up straight!
Food is good!
Secondarily I think women have their style.
Even you have to be careful with money, because I'm in favour of freedom.
Freedom to a certain extent of course.
I don't hunt, fish or gamble. I'm a family guy.
Sure, with time it's always the same old story.
If we can go out, I like to watch a good movie.
I can't stand turtle-necked polos...
...and I don't take any medicine when I am ill!
As the sickness came so it has to go by itself.
Even the government at least must change, they must come to the people's side.
Cars are dangerous! It's so convenient go by bus!
While you were speaking it was as if I was listening to my oneself.
I couldn't have told it as well as you did but we think with the same mind.
Like twins!
This love so gay...
...so happy, so nice, so disperate.
This love beautiful as a sunny day, and also so bad as the weather...
...when the weather is bad.
This love so gay, so happy and still so mocking.
Shaking with fear like a child in the darkness...
...and so self-confident...
...like a man at dead of night.
This love which scared everybody...
...which made them talk, to turn pale...
This spied love, because we spied it.
Persecuted, wounded!
When you liked a woman I always helped you.
You should say: "But she's my mother!"
I know, but for me she's a woman first and I want to win her heart.
I got on with her about everything.
This morning at the church when she took Communion...
...I got an hard on just looking at her.
So I told myself...
"...if with this woman I can laugh, joke..."
"...touch, talk, always, all day long..."
"...well then it's true that there must be a God!"
There must be God perforce!
There must be one, Cioni!
I am happy now!
I'm happy.
Please, don't play the fool.
Do not play the fool or I'll get pissed off for real!
See?
You're even dirty.
Fucking hell what a wind!
Stop!