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*Guitar Intro*
*Red Vs. Blue Opening Theme playing in background*
VIC: Y'know,
Project De Los Freelancer really nailed it
when it came to building two armies-worth of idiots.
Some people say it's because
we had such convincing propaganda.
But, I'm pretty sure there's just that many
stupid people in the universe.
*Film reel rolling*
NARRATOR: You joined the military
to help fight off the alien scourge.
You were told that joining the military
would keep your fellow man safe.
But what you weren't told is that your "fellow man"
could very well be our REAL enemy.
And they're already here.
Every day, hiding in plain sight,
*BLUE* conspirators conspire against us.
Our way of life.
Our very freedom.
But not all is lost!
Military intelligence has been gathering information
on the enemy, and after months of analyzing
and planning have come up with a way to
combat the true enemy.
The *BLUE* enemy.
To combat this *BLUE* enemy,
the military has formed a strike force,
codename *RED* Team.
This team is comprised of only the most elite soldiers,
those willing to do what it takes to
eliminate the *BLUE* bastards.
These *RED* commandos are familiarizing themselves
with the military's newest, and best equipment.
Just ask this fine soldier here.
What's your name and rank, soldier?
SARGE: Sarge.
NARRATOR: And, your name?
SARGE: I just told you! Are you slow or somethin', son?
NARRATOR: Uh, right. Well then, let's continue.
So Sarge, what's that fine piece of hardware you have there?
SARGE: Oh, this here's the M90 shotgun!
8-gauge Magnum rounds!
Chrome-lined barrel!
And glow-in-the-dark sights!
There are many like it, but this one, she's mine.
NARRATOR: That's a fine piece of hardware you-
SARGE: And don't even think about touchin' her!
NARRATOR: I...wasn't...going to-
SARGE: Or lookin' at her! I can see you lookin'!
NARRATOR: Uh, I'm sorry?
SARGE: Damn skippy, dirtba-
NARRATOR: Woah, looks like Sarge had to go off on a
"Super-secret mission", against the vile *BLUE* team.
Back to that high-speed gear. Let's check in with
another fine *RED* soldier.
GRIF: *whispering* Dude, she is so hot.
SIMMONS: *whispering* Y'know, I don't feel really
comfortable looking at this with you.
GRIF: *whispering* Dibs.
SIMMONS: *whispering* Dib- *sputtering* Damn it!
NARRATOR: How goes it, gents?
GRIF: Aah! Uh, I swear I just found it!
SIMMONS: Don't tell Sarge!
GRIF: Uh, I was only holding it for Lopez!
NARRATOR: Uhh...
SIMMONS: Wait a second, who are YOU?
And what are you doing with that camera?
NARRATOR: We're with the Red Command
Military Intelligence, and we're here to film you, uh,
fine soldiers so you can...tell the galaxy
about the thrilling lifestyle of the Red Army.
GRIF: *scoffs* It sucks! Everything's red! We don't ev-
NARRATOR: Ho-kay! Well, uh, what about all the
top notch military equipment you and your men are
using to fend off the blue scourge?
SIMMONS: Um, well we have a robot that speaks
Spanish, and I guess that's helpful?
Or, well, I mean, it really doesn't help us.
NARRATOR: What about that heavy-hitter you've got
there, soldier?
GRIF: Why did you just hand me this?
NARRATOR: Care to tell us what it's like to hold liberty in
the palm of your hand?
GRIF: Uh, I can keep the rocket launcher, right?
NARRATOR: Sure.
GRIF: Then shit yeah! What do you need, camera guy?
NARRATOR: Let's start with your name.
GRIF: Dexter Grif: Rocket Expert.
SIMMONS: Why'd you give it to him?!
NARRATOR: Alright Grif, what's your rank here at
Blood Gulch Outpost Number One?
GRIF: They call me Sergeant.
SARGE: What do you want, Grif?!
NARRATOR: ...Who was-
GRIF: Ehh, just ignore him. He can't handle that we're
both the same rank now that Simmons and I are being
transferred over to Rat's Nest.
NARRATOR: Uhh...well, uh, Sergeant-
SARGE: What?! Do?! You?! Want?!
NARRATOR: Uh, Grif, mind telling us a little about that
rocket launcher you have there, and how it's helping to
combat the enemy?
GRIF: This thing? You just gave it to me!
SIMMONS: And again, why not give it to me?!
GRIF: Y'know, I don't like your tone, Private.
SIMMONS: Oh yeah?
Well I don't like your anything, Sergeant!
*BLAM*
SIMMONS: YEOW!
SARGE: Do not sass me, Private!
Now quit bleedin' all over my base!
NARRATOR: Could you please just talk about
fighting the Blues?!
GRIF: Who? Ohh, you mean Tucker and those guys?
Are we back to hating them again?
I thought everything was cool since the whole alien
thing with the Freelancer-
NARRATOR: Alright, turn it off!
*BEEP*
Turn it off!
NARRATOR: *clears throat* Boy, heh, looks like those
high-speed troops sure are busy on
"Super-secret missions."
Now, you might be asking yourself,
"If you've already got all these tip-top soldiers,
why do you need me?"
Easy!
While our *RED* soldiers are keeping the enemy at bay,
Military Intelligence has found that the-
*BEEP*
NARRATOR: Uh...gentlemen?
TUCKER: But I told her I had a sniper rifle!
She's expecting me to bring it!
NARRATOR: Ge-gentlemen?!
CHURCH: I don't care what you told Grif's sister!
I am NOT letting you take MY sniper rifle, on YOUR
imaginary date!
TUCKER: It's not imaginary! She's totally into me!
NARRATOR: Will you please just focus?!
TUCKER: Who are you again?
*BEEP*
*Simmons groaning in the background*
GRIF: For the last, time,
We. Are. The. Same. Rank!
SIMMONS: Oh, the pain!
NARRATOR: The *distorted* *BLU-RE-BLU-RE-BLUE*
traitors are alien sympathizers!
Eugh. Disgusting.
They even hate our very own children.
CABOOSE: *low voice* I, hate, babies!
NARRATOR: You...exceptional soldiers have been
hand-picked by your commanders to join *RED* Team.
Join and be a part of the team that is making a difference!
Do YOU want to drive a Warthog?
SIMMONS: Join the Red Team!
NARRATOR: Do YOU wanna see new and exciting places?
DONUT: Join the Red Team!
*fake echoing* Team, team, team...
NARRATOR: Do you wanna be where the action is?
CABOOSE: Join the Red Team!
SARGE: Caboose! Get outta here!
CABOOSE: Okay!
NARRATOR: So if you think you're lean enough, and if
you think you're...MEAN enough, and if you wanna send
those *BLUE* heathens back to the Hell they came from,
then do your part and accept the invitation to *RED* Team.
*Film reel stops rolling*
GRIF: No, seriously, are we really not cool with the Blues anymore?
NARRATOR: Fuck it. FUCK IT! WE'LL FIX IT IN POST!
*Red Vs. Blue End Credits Theme*
*Rooster Teeth Outro*