1
00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:56,758
<i>Britain enters lockdown.</i>

2
00:00:56,791 --> 00:00:59,092
<i>Now people
can only leave their homes</i>

3
00:00:59,126 --> 00:01:00,360
<i>for very limited reasons.</i>

4
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:01,529
<i>The UK wakes up</i>

5
00:01:01,563 --> 00:01:03,463
<i>to the toughest restrictions
on daily life</i>

6
00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:05,833
<i>in living memory
to tackle coronavirus.</i>

7
00:01:05,867 --> 00:01:07,301
<i>This has been the sort of scene</i>

8
00:01:07,334 --> 00:01:09,403
<i>imagined by
science fiction writers</i>

9
00:01:09,436 --> 00:01:11,606
<i>after an apocalyptic disaster.</i>

10
00:01:46,608 --> 00:01:49,276
Don't you carry anything,
wee man, okay?

11
00:01:51,946 --> 00:01:53,548
Here, carry this.

12
00:02:01,856 --> 00:02:04,525
- Ugh.
- Not in the living room!

13
00:02:07,962 --> 00:02:10,364
I mean, my God.

14
00:02:10,397 --> 00:02:12,700
The only thing keeping us
together is our child.

15
00:02:12,734 --> 00:02:14,334
- Arthur.
- Little Artie.

16
00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:15,235
His name is Arthur.

17
00:02:15,268 --> 00:02:16,714
Yeah, and if it wasn't
for little Artie,

18
00:02:16,738 --> 00:02:18,238
we would have split up
years ago.

19
00:02:18,271 --> 00:02:19,850
The truth is, we just
can't stand each other.

20
00:02:19,874 --> 00:02:21,274
Don't like each other.

21
00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:22,342
So, this lockdown,

22
00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:24,277
being in the same house
together, me and him...

23
00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:25,689
The only thing
that makes living with her

24
00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:27,280
even remotely bearable

25
00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:29,383
is knowing that I get to leave
this house every day.

26
00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:30,852
I feel exactly the same.

27
00:02:30,885 --> 00:02:32,486
Oh, my God,
saying goodbye to you,

28
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,689
it is without doubt
the best part of my day.

29
00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:36,524
Just being
in the same room as him...

30
00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:38,793
Coming back and having to
see her again, I mean, fuck...

31
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:40,895
it's like a sadness
and a soul-stink

32
00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,295
both mixed together.

33
00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:43,765
I hate your face.

34
00:02:43,798 --> 00:02:45,633
- My face?
- I hate your face.

35
00:02:45,667 --> 00:02:46,701
Oh, you hate my face?

36
00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:47,878
It's just your face. I hate it.

37
00:02:47,902 --> 00:02:50,203
Oh. What, so you're saying
I'm unattractive then or...

38
00:02:50,237 --> 00:02:51,949
No, no, you're attrac...
I mean, she's very attractive.

39
00:02:51,973 --> 00:02:53,608
It's just your face,
I totally hate it.

40
00:02:53,641 --> 00:02:54,818
I actually think of him
as a cancer.

41
00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:56,887
I hate looking at it. It's
maybe your eyes or something.

42
00:02:56,911 --> 00:02:58,345
And... not skin or testicle,

43
00:02:58,378 --> 00:02:59,881
but one of the really bad ones,

44
00:02:59,914 --> 00:03:01,883
you know,
like liver, pancreatic.

45
00:03:01,916 --> 00:03:03,359
Is it your cheeks?
I mean, I can't even

46
00:03:03,383 --> 00:03:05,252
- put my finger on it.
- It's colorectal...

47
00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:07,421
When I think about you,
I get exactly the same feeling

48
00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:09,590
as when I think about
my dead dad's cancer.

49
00:03:09,624 --> 00:03:11,458
- Exactly the same.
- It's your lips.

50
00:03:11,491 --> 00:03:13,360
- It's her lips.
- I've got great lips.

51
00:03:13,393 --> 00:03:14,705
Aye, no, you do,
you've got great lips.

52
00:03:14,729 --> 00:03:16,831
They're fantastic.
I just totally hate them.

53
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:17,941
We should never
have got together

54
00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:18,933
- in the first place.
- Madness.

55
00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:21,368
I mean, we're just
so different, poles apart.

56
00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:24,605
But at the time, you think,
"Oh, opposites attract."

57
00:03:24,639 --> 00:03:25,783
You're caught up in all the...

58
00:03:25,807 --> 00:03:26,984
Do you know what else attracts?

59
00:03:27,008 --> 00:03:28,284
Hormones and pheromones and...

60
00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:29,209
Serial killers to victims.

61
00:03:29,242 --> 00:03:30,978
Intoxication
and the heart-racing sex.

62
00:03:31,012 --> 00:03:32,547
Oh, Jesus. Oh, God,

63
00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:34,347
just the thought of...

64
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:36,316
actually having sex
with you is...

65
00:03:36,349 --> 00:03:37,752
I know. I know.

66
00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:39,921
And politically as well,
we're totally different.

67
00:03:39,954 --> 00:03:41,522
Aye. I believe in hard work.

68
00:03:41,556 --> 00:03:44,025
Everyone believes in hard work!

69
00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:45,560
Aye, whereas she, right,

70
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:48,830
is a good old-fashioned,
unreconstructed socialist.

71
00:03:48,863 --> 00:03:50,732
That's my mother
you're describing.

72
00:03:50,765 --> 00:03:52,533
You're actually
talking about my mother.

73
00:03:52,567 --> 00:03:54,301
You've never
understood my politics.

74
00:03:54,334 --> 00:03:55,503
I'm actually quite moderate.

75
00:03:55,536 --> 00:03:56,738
I just happen to believe

76
00:03:56,771 --> 00:03:59,607
in not exploiting the workers
of this country.

77
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,510
The workers. Listen to this.

78
00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:03,887
What do you know
about the workers?

79
00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,713
I'm actually
from the workers, right?

80
00:04:05,747 --> 00:04:06,614
I was brought up by the workers

81
00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:08,025
and the workers
aren't what you think.

82
00:04:08,049 --> 00:04:10,283
It's not all fish suppers
and roll-ups

83
00:04:10,317 --> 00:04:12,319
and sing songs
round the old Joanna.

84
00:04:12,352 --> 00:04:13,821
The workers
are fucking horrible.

85
00:04:13,855 --> 00:04:15,322
You just hate people.

86
00:04:15,355 --> 00:04:16,423
I just hate lazy.

87
00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:17,457
Meanwhile, those of us

88
00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:19,392
who were brought up
in the chattering classes.

89
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:22,730
- Oh, my God, listen to this.
- The literati elite.

90
00:04:22,764 --> 00:04:24,766
My dad was a dentist!

91
00:04:24,799 --> 00:04:26,701
You pull yourself
up by the bootstraps, right?

92
00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:27,702
That's what I did.

93
00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:29,670
Got myself on top,
worked hard and I got out.

94
00:04:29,704 --> 00:04:32,006
Jesus Christ, dial it back.

95
00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:35,076
Yeah, you're from fucking
Kilmarnock, not Compton.

96
00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:36,644
We were poor!

97
00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:37,979
I got on top, I got out.

98
00:04:38,012 --> 00:04:39,580
At the time I thought, you know,

99
00:04:39,614 --> 00:04:42,016
"Oh, that's cute, he's a Tory."

100
00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:43,785
I am not a Tory.

101
00:04:43,818 --> 00:04:46,854
You've voted Conservative in
every election since we met.

102
00:04:46,888 --> 00:04:48,890
I voted for Tony Blair.

103
00:04:48,923 --> 00:04:51,993
Oh, fuck, can we just not talk
about politics, please?

104
00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:56,864
We're worried about my mum.

105
00:04:56,898 --> 00:04:57,941
We should've
just brought her here.

106
00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,934
Well, there's no point
in rehashing it, is there?

107
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:01,736
I mean, we made a decision...

108
00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:04,005
I'm not "rehashing," all right?

109
00:05:04,038 --> 00:05:04,906
It's not what I'm doing.

110
00:05:04,939 --> 00:05:06,674
I know we made a decision,
I know that.

111
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:08,843
It's just,
she's on her own, right?

112
00:05:08,876 --> 00:05:10,878
- And little Artie...
- Arthur.

113
00:05:10,912 --> 00:05:12,022
He's only got one grandparent

114
00:05:12,046 --> 00:05:14,682
and I'd love him to be able
to keep her. And besides,

115
00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:15,993
it's not like
there's that many people

116
00:05:16,017 --> 00:05:18,853
that, you know, get him.

117
00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:20,063
She's got carers that come in.

118
00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:21,488
They're awful.

119
00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:24,357
They are not awful,
they're overworked.

120
00:05:24,391 --> 00:05:25,693
They come in, right,

121
00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:27,728
for 45 minutes,
three times a day.

122
00:05:27,762 --> 00:05:29,597
They chuck on
some microwave pasta,

123
00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:30,565
change her colostomy bag

124
00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:32,009
and then they're
straight on to their phones.

125
00:05:32,033 --> 00:05:35,402
That was one,
that... that was one girl.

126
00:05:35,435 --> 00:05:37,972
And some of them are amazing,
you know.

127
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:40,373
And they... they're paid shit,
by the way.

128
00:05:40,407 --> 00:05:41,718
They work from
7:00 in the morning

129
00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:42,610
until 10:00 at night.

130
00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:44,812
And they travel
from client to client.

131
00:05:44,846 --> 00:05:46,781
And if there's waiting
in between clients,

132
00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:48,415
they don't get paid for that,
you know.

133
00:05:48,448 --> 00:05:50,084
It works out less
than minimum wage.

134
00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:51,819
I'm not having a go at them,
all right?

135
00:05:51,853 --> 00:05:52,996
I know some of them are amazing.

136
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,387
But some of them
are not amazing,

137
00:05:54,421 --> 00:05:55,857
and they're not even family.

138
00:05:55,890 --> 00:05:57,859
And that is another thing,
they're traveling.

139
00:05:57,892 --> 00:05:59,627
Is that... Is that okay?

140
00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:00,695
I don't know.

141
00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:01,905
I mean, are they wearing masks

142
00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:03,798
when they're on the bus
or whatever?

143
00:06:03,831 --> 00:06:05,142
I've seen people out there,
people out there

144
00:06:05,166 --> 00:06:06,133
- are wearing masks.
- Yeah. Yeah.

145
00:06:06,167 --> 00:06:08,468
Well, they're advising
against wearing masks.

146
00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:10,080
What happens when
they're on public transport,

147
00:06:10,104 --> 00:06:11,906
do they become
a vehicle or a vector?

148
00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:13,050
And other countries
are wearing masks.

149
00:06:13,074 --> 00:06:13,908
Should we be wearing masks?

150
00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:15,743
- I don't know!
- That's what I'm saying!

151
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,912
Nobody seems to know anything!

152
00:06:19,479 --> 00:06:21,649
Anything at all.

153
00:06:21,682 --> 00:06:22,884
Fuck's sake.

154
00:06:22,917 --> 00:06:25,485
We've been trying to get her
into a home, me and my sister.

155
00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:26,663
It's a beautiful place.
Beautiful.

156
00:06:26,687 --> 00:06:27,922
I mean, it's got all the gear.

157
00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:29,456
We're not trying
to get rid of her.

158
00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:31,959
You know,
line dancing in the morning,

159
00:06:31,993 --> 00:06:34,095
kidney dialysis in the evening.

160
00:06:34,128 --> 00:06:35,172
And she knows you're not trying

161
00:06:35,196 --> 00:06:36,063
to get rid of her, by the way.

162
00:06:36,097 --> 00:06:37,765
Well, when we went there last,
she said,

163
00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:39,438
"You bitches are trying
to get rid of me."

164
00:06:39,466 --> 00:06:40,968
She's a colorful character.

165
00:06:41,002 --> 00:06:42,012
We just want her looked after.

166
00:06:42,036 --> 00:06:44,906
Yeah. And both my parents
are dead so, you know...

167
00:06:44,939 --> 00:06:46,807
thank God.

168
00:06:48,142 --> 00:06:49,944
Look, I'm...

169
00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:52,013
I'm really sorry.

170
00:06:52,046 --> 00:06:54,882
Okay, we need to get on,
I totally know that.

171
00:06:54,916 --> 00:06:56,593
And God knows how long
this thing is gonna last.

172
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:59,520
It's just, this whole thing,
it is so confusing.

173
00:06:59,553 --> 00:07:02,156
It's just, nobody seems
to know what is going on.

174
00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:03,991
The ship is steering itself

175
00:07:04,025 --> 00:07:06,527
and all the grown-ups
have been fucking beamed up.

176
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:11,198
And the people out there,
unbelievable. Unbelievable.

177
00:07:11,232 --> 00:07:13,567
What about the people out there?

178
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,803
Well, go on.

179
00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:17,014
Don't worry about it,
you'll get all...

180
00:07:17,038 --> 00:07:18,649
- No, come on. Look...
- No, it's all right.

181
00:07:18,673 --> 00:07:20,017
If we're gonna get through
this, then we're gonna

182
00:07:20,041 --> 00:07:21,976
- have to, you know...
- What?

183
00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:23,811
- Well, talk.
- Us?

184
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,813
Yeah. I think so. Don't you?

185
00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:27,181
You want me to talk?

186
00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:29,917
Well, I suppose so.
I mean, don't we have to?

187
00:07:29,951 --> 00:07:30,991
- All right.
- Like, a bit?

188
00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:32,820
Yeah, all right, all right.

189
00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:34,097
Well, look,
this was yesterday, right,

190
00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:36,090
just before they announced
the lockdown,

191
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:37,490
and I'm down at the Tesco local.

192
00:07:37,525 --> 00:07:38,568
You know, the one on the corner?

193
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:39,703
Yeah, the one on the corner...

194
00:07:39,727 --> 00:07:41,862
Yeah, I'm at the Tesco local,
the one in the corner,

195
00:07:41,896 --> 00:07:45,566
and I'm in there, right,
and it has been picked clean.

196
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,802
I mean, locusts, right?

197
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:49,646
And I'm in there
'cause I wanna get aubergines,

198
00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,748
- I'm gonna do this katsu...
- Katsu curry aubergine. Yeah.

199
00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:52,849
I'm gonna do
my katsu curry aubergine.

200
00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:54,873
I mean, it's the only
fucking thing Artie will eat.

201
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:58,579
And so, there's not a sign
of an aubergine, right,

202
00:07:58,612 --> 00:08:02,750
not a courgette,
not a tomato, not a carrot.

203
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:04,852
And so I see this woman
that works there,

204
00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:06,887
I recognized her,
I've seen her before.

205
00:08:06,921 --> 00:08:11,225
She's, erm, like 50s
and quite short, and...

206
00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:13,170
and like I don't mean this to
be rude or anything like that,

207
00:08:13,194 --> 00:08:14,237
but she's quite recognizable

208
00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:15,572
'cause she's got
quite a big nose.

209
00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:16,873
- Yeah, I know her.
- You know the one?

210
00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:18,065
Yeah, she's lovely.

211
00:08:18,099 --> 00:08:19,233
She comes out from behind

212
00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:21,669
one of those plastic flappy
curtains that they've got,

213
00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:23,704
and when she does,
I can see in there

214
00:08:23,738 --> 00:08:24,781
and I can see a whole crate,

215
00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:28,209
whole stack of aubergines,
right, masses of them.

216
00:08:28,242 --> 00:08:30,253
So I'm like, "Brilliant."
I go up to her and I'm like,

217
00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:32,913
"Excuse me. Excuse me,
have you got any aubergines?"

218
00:08:32,947 --> 00:08:35,716
And she's like, "No."
And I'm like, "What?"

219
00:08:35,750 --> 00:08:37,151
She's like, "No, we're out,"

220
00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:39,086
just like that,
not even particularly polite.

221
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,288
Which is unusual for her
because she is lovely.

222
00:08:41,322 --> 00:08:43,057
Anyway.
So I go back up and I'm like,

223
00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:44,992
"Erm, excuse me. Excuse me."

224
00:08:45,026 --> 00:08:47,561
"I happened to glance behind
the plastic flappy curtains"

225
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,563
"and I noticed
a whole crate of aubergines."

226
00:08:49,597 --> 00:08:52,867
And she's like, "Oh, fuck,
oh, no," like, flustered

227
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,244
because suddenly
she thinks there's gonna be

228
00:08:54,268 --> 00:08:56,837
a "situation" or something
like that, right.

229
00:08:56,871 --> 00:08:59,006
And she goes, "I can't
give you those aubergines."

230
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,307
And I'm like, "Why not?"

231
00:09:00,341 --> 00:09:02,309
And she goes,
"'Cause my manager says"

232
00:09:02,343 --> 00:09:03,887
"we're not to put
those aubergines out yet."

233
00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:05,012
And I'm like, "Ah, right",

234
00:09:05,046 --> 00:09:06,847
"no, I get it, I get it,"
you know.

235
00:09:06,881 --> 00:09:08,949
I say, "Listen,
here's the thing",

236
00:09:08,983 --> 00:09:10,885
"my little boy,
he's a lovely little boy,

237
00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:13,120
"but he's a bit weird
about things.

238
00:09:13,154 --> 00:09:15,332
"And right now, aubergines
are the only thing he'll eat.

239
00:09:15,356 --> 00:09:17,691
"So I'm not asking you
to go in there

240
00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:18,802
"and put all the aubergines out,

241
00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:20,837
"I'm just asking you to go
in there and get me three

242
00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:23,964
"so that I can do katsu curry
tonight." And she goes...

243
00:09:23,998 --> 00:09:28,069
like, voice all
wobbling, she's like, "Sir..."

244
00:09:28,102 --> 00:09:29,312
"I can't give you
those aubergines

245
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:30,539
"because we now believe"

246
00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:33,774
"that one of our drivers has
fallen prey to the coronavirus"

247
00:09:33,808 --> 00:09:34,775
"and we're trying to figure out"

248
00:09:34,809 --> 00:09:37,044
"if he's the one that touched
that produce."

249
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:40,724
And she thinks
that's the end of it, right.

250
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,192
But I'm like,
"I'll give you a tenner."

251
00:09:42,216 --> 00:09:43,651
And she goes, "No."

252
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,152
So I goes,
"I'll give you 20 quid."

253
00:09:45,186 --> 00:09:46,329
And she's like, "Sir, I can't."

254
00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:47,955
I'm like, "50 quid
for three aubergines."

255
00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:49,199
She's like,
"Please, sir, don't."

256
00:09:49,223 --> 00:09:51,158
"£200, right here, right now."

257
00:09:51,192 --> 00:09:53,627
She's like, "Really, sir,
I can't." "A grand."

258
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:55,362
"What?"

259
00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:59,100
"I'll give you a grand, £1,000,

260
00:09:59,133 --> 00:10:01,168
"right here, right now.
I'm good for it.

261
00:10:01,202 --> 00:10:02,069
"I've got my own business

262
00:10:02,103 --> 00:10:03,213
"and I've done
really well for myself.

263
00:10:03,237 --> 00:10:05,048
"I'll head to the cashpoint,
use three credit cards."

264
00:10:05,072 --> 00:10:06,107
"I'll come back here,"

265
00:10:06,140 --> 00:10:08,309
"I'll put a grand in your hand
if you go in there"

266
00:10:08,342 --> 00:10:10,945
"and you get me
three aubergines."

267
00:10:12,246 --> 00:10:13,286
And she's thinking, right,

268
00:10:13,314 --> 00:10:15,182
'cause, I mean, she needs this.

269
00:10:15,216 --> 00:10:17,318
What is she on? Minimum wage,
a little bit above?

270
00:10:17,351 --> 00:10:18,929
She needs this.
She's living hand to mouth,

271
00:10:18,953 --> 00:10:21,222
so she's thinking, right.

272
00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:24,758
She goes like this...

273
00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:27,394
all around her to see
if anybody's listening.

274
00:10:27,428 --> 00:10:29,029
Then she goes, "Sir..."

275
00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:30,865
Voice all wobbling,
God love her...

276
00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:33,968
"I would love £1,000,
I really would.

277
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,112
"It would make such a difference

278
00:10:35,136 --> 00:10:37,371
"to me and my family, but...

279
00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:39,840
"I can't,
in all good conscience,"

280
00:10:39,874 --> 00:10:40,975
"give you those aubergines"

281
00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:44,879
"because if you, or your son,
or anybody else died,"

282
00:10:44,912 --> 00:10:46,947
"then what kind of person
would I be?"

283
00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:52,153
And I look at her,
standing there,

284
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:54,388
and I say,

285
00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:57,024
"You big-nosed prick.

286
00:10:57,825 --> 00:10:59,426
"You fucking loser."

287
00:10:59,460 --> 00:11:02,696
"Do you not understand, you
fucking big-nosed prick loser?"

288
00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:05,166
"This is the reason why you're
stuck in this shitty job"

289
00:11:05,199 --> 00:11:08,135
"and I've got an E-Class Benz
waiting for me outside!"

290
00:11:08,169 --> 00:11:09,312
And I just dropped my shopping

291
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,205
all over the floor
and I walked out.

292
00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:12,907
- Oh, my God.
- Mm.

293
00:11:14,108 --> 00:11:15,809
- Oh, God.
- What?

294
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:18,345
Oh, God. Oh, God!

295
00:11:18,379 --> 00:11:19,890
It's the only fucking thing
he'll eat right now!

296
00:11:19,914 --> 00:11:21,115
You are awful.

297
00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:22,192
I wanted to do
the katsu curry...

298
00:11:22,216 --> 00:11:23,360
You are the worst human alive!

299
00:11:23,384 --> 00:11:24,285
You said talk.

300
00:11:24,318 --> 00:11:25,328
It's the only thing
he'll eat right now!

301
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:27,821
- What kind of awful person...
- You said talk!

302
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,032
Yeah, I didn't know
what was gonna come out

303
00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:29,890
- of your fucking mouth!
- Thank you.

304
00:11:29,924 --> 00:11:32,226
I feel awful now.
Thank you very much!

305
00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:33,894
- You feel awful now?
- Aye, I do.

306
00:11:33,928 --> 00:11:34,762
Do you know what blows my mind?

307
00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:37,131
Do you know
what actually wakes me up

308
00:11:37,164 --> 00:11:39,033
in the middle of the night,
in a cold sweat,

309
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:41,268
is the fact that
I used to love him.

310
00:11:41,302 --> 00:11:43,103
I did. I really did.

311
00:11:43,137 --> 00:11:44,147
I mean, how is that
even possible?

312
00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:46,006
Believe me, our former
feelings for each other

313
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,008
are as inexplicable to me
as they are to you.

314
00:11:48,042 --> 00:11:50,477
But she's right,
we were in love.

315
00:11:50,512 --> 00:11:52,446
I thought she was incredible.

316
00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:54,848
- I thought he was charming.
- Now I think you're repugnant.

317
00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:57,051
Now I think you've got
the same level of charm

318
00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:59,053
as diarrhea in a pint glass.

319
00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:00,120
Right.

320
00:12:00,154 --> 00:12:01,488
Lockdown is gonna be hard then.

321
00:12:01,523 --> 00:12:03,724
It's gonna be really,
really hard.

322
00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:05,292
Really hard.

323
00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:22,544
<i>Breaking news coming in to us</i>

324
00:12:22,577 --> 00:12:24,778
<i>within the past few seconds.</i>

325
00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:28,115
<i>The Prime Minister has been
admitted into intensive care</i>

326
00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:31,218
<i>with those persistent symptoms
of coronavirus.</i>

327
00:12:31,252 --> 00:12:32,820
<i>Now as cities</i>

328
00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:34,522
<i>in lockdown fall almost silent,</i>

329
00:12:34,556 --> 00:12:37,391
<i>the largest,
brightest super moon of 2020</i>

330
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,993
<i>has risen in the night sky.</i>

331
00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:40,127
<i>The spread of this virus</i>

332
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,997
<i>is not accelerating
and that is good news.</i>

333
00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:44,865
Don't give me any more.

334
00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:46,867
Oh, you've given me some.

335
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:49,903
You're a rotter.

336
00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:51,539
- Mushrooms?
- Huh? Oh!

337
00:12:51,573 --> 00:12:54,408
Oh, Christ, yes. Tell them
about the mushrooms. Go on.

338
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,410
Basically, mushrooms
are to blame for everything.

339
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,045
She tells it better than I do.

340
00:12:58,078 --> 00:12:59,557
Everything is the fault
of the mushrooms!

341
00:12:59,581 --> 00:13:01,315
If it wasn't for
the mushrooms, right,

342
00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:02,493
we wouldn't still be together.

343
00:13:02,517 --> 00:13:04,461
You tell it so much better
than I do. Go on, tell them.

344
00:13:04,485 --> 00:13:06,020
So, this is year three.

345
00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:08,289
We've had the warm,
cuddly first year.

346
00:13:08,322 --> 00:13:10,157
Bliss, love, harmony.

347
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,293
And made it through the
slightly spiky second year.

348
00:13:12,326 --> 00:13:15,095
That gentle descent
into snarkiness and bickering.

349
00:13:15,129 --> 00:13:16,473
And now we're
well into year three.

350
00:13:16,497 --> 00:13:18,899
The terrifying plunge
into the icy, Arctic tundra.

351
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:19,900
Am I actually telling it?

352
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:21,969
And by this point, right,
we hate each other.

353
00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:24,138
And we don't wanna admit it,
but we both know,

354
00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:26,440
and we're both independently

355
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,375
making plans
to get the hell out of dodge.

356
00:13:28,409 --> 00:13:31,979
I vividly remember
being at dinner with him

357
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:33,581
and watching him eat
and just thinking

358
00:13:33,615 --> 00:13:35,916
it's the worst thing
I've ever experienced.

359
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:38,852
What? I'm not a...
I'm not a bad eater.

360
00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:40,622
No, it's not that
you're a bad eater,

361
00:13:40,655 --> 00:13:43,023
it's just, like,
the fact of you eating.

362
00:13:43,057 --> 00:13:45,092
Like, watching you eat

363
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:48,162
makes all the various
different processes involved

364
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:49,997
more apparent.

365
00:13:50,030 --> 00:13:53,601
You know, like, mastication
and rending of flesh,

366
00:13:53,635 --> 00:13:55,637
grinding of matter,

367
00:13:55,670 --> 00:13:59,106
just mixing with saliva
and sucking it down

368
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:03,077
into your big old meat-bowl
of acid, to break it down

369
00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:07,081
until it's no more than
a brown sausage of turd

370
00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:09,183
to be squeezed out
via your anus.

371
00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:11,485
Wow, you get all that
from eating?

372
00:14:11,519 --> 00:14:13,354
Er, no, just you eating.

373
00:14:13,387 --> 00:14:16,390
So, safe to say we're not...
we're not gonna carry on.

374
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:18,526
And we had this massive blow-up

375
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:19,594
just before my birthday.

376
00:14:19,627 --> 00:14:21,596
Like, massive. Final straw.

377
00:14:21,629 --> 00:14:24,898
But I'd stupidly booked
a surprise birthday weekend.

378
00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,367
Mushroom picking, of all things,

379
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:27,468
in the New Forest.

380
00:14:27,502 --> 00:14:28,570
The New fucking Forest.

381
00:14:28,603 --> 00:14:31,372
And it was a non-refundable
deposit, so, you know...

382
00:14:31,405 --> 00:14:33,974
So they take you out
to the New fucking Forest

383
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:36,276
at some godawful time
of the morning

384
00:14:36,310 --> 00:14:38,078
and they force you
to pick mushrooms.

385
00:14:38,112 --> 00:14:39,947
They show you
which ones are good,

386
00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,559
how they should be picked,
how they should be cooked.

387
00:14:41,583 --> 00:14:42,950
It was really interesting
actually.

388
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:44,552
It was so boring.

389
00:14:44,586 --> 00:14:46,296
Come on, had we been
in a living relationship,

390
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,155
we could've actually
made some friends.

391
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:50,090
The people were awful.

392
00:14:50,124 --> 00:14:52,292
I thought one or two of them
were okay.

393
00:14:52,326 --> 00:14:56,096
What about your man
who was like...

394
00:14:56,130 --> 00:14:57,599
Oh, yeah.
He should've been executed.

395
00:14:57,632 --> 00:15:00,033
So, they teach you
how to pick mushrooms

396
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:03,036
and they also teach you
which mushrooms not to pick.

397
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,339
And there's this one
particular mushroom

398
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:06,240
and the guy's like,

399
00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:09,042
"If you eat that,
it's not gonna kill you,

400
00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:10,944
"but it will be really bad.

401
00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:14,516
"If you eat that mushroom,
there will be stomach cramps,"

402
00:15:14,549 --> 00:15:16,283
"there will be
projectile vomiting,"

403
00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:19,386
"there will be
extraordinary diarrhea"

404
00:15:19,420 --> 00:15:21,188
"and you'll piss yourself."

405
00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:23,157
And we were both thinking
the same thing,

406
00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:26,293
"I would love to shove that
into the other one's fricassee

407
00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:28,262
- "and watch them squirm."
- Wild, right?

408
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:31,131
Like, I would love
to pick that mushroom

409
00:15:31,165 --> 00:15:34,502
and watch that stupid bastard
lying on the floor,

410
00:15:34,536 --> 00:15:37,938
shitting his pants, thinking
he's gonna die.

411
00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:41,576
I mean, not really, you know.

412
00:15:41,609 --> 00:15:42,720
You don't really
want that to happen.

413
00:15:42,744 --> 00:15:45,145
You're just enjoying the fact
that it could happen.

414
00:15:45,747 --> 00:15:48,081
Yeah. And then...

415
00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:51,519
- It did happen.
- Yeah.

416
00:15:51,553 --> 00:15:54,054
- I got poisoned.
- He did. He did get poisoned.

417
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:56,390
Oh, my God. One of us picked
the wrong mushrooms.

418
00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:58,425
I mean, they look
stupidly like the good ones.

419
00:15:58,459 --> 00:16:00,662
They ended up in this
fricassee, which I alone ate.

420
00:16:00,695 --> 00:16:02,429
Yeah, because you went on ahead.

421
00:16:02,463 --> 00:16:03,997
Because you were
too busy dawdling

422
00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:05,399
buying New fucking Forest fudge.

423
00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:07,334
Yeah, for your weird friend,
Nathan,

424
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:09,136
who specifically
asked you to buy it

425
00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:11,673
and yet you get angry at me
for trying to

426
00:16:11,706 --> 00:16:13,508
and then you just, like,
sulk on ahead

427
00:16:13,541 --> 00:16:15,677
and cook them up yourself
to make a point.

428
00:16:15,710 --> 00:16:16,711
Aye. Look...

429
00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:19,413
I thought I was gonna die, okay?

430
00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:21,281
Yeah. He did.
He really thought that.

431
00:16:21,315 --> 00:16:22,449
The pain was extraordinary.

432
00:16:22,483 --> 00:16:23,627
He did think he was gonna die.

433
00:16:23,651 --> 00:16:25,061
That feeling that
something in your body

434
00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:26,153
that wants you dead...

435
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:27,254
He was fine, though.

436
00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:28,188
I was at death's door!

437
00:16:28,222 --> 00:16:30,558
You were...
Yeah, you were at the door.

438
00:16:30,592 --> 00:16:31,526
You weren't on the premises.

439
00:16:31,559 --> 00:16:33,661
The guy specifically said
they're not fatal.

440
00:16:33,695 --> 00:16:37,397
It took the ambulance 1 hour
and 30 minutes to get there.

441
00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:40,033
No, it did.
It did take that long.

442
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:41,468
- That was a bit scary.
- Mm-hmm.

443
00:16:42,504 --> 00:16:44,137
I held his hand the whole time.

444
00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:46,674
Yeah, you did. She held my hand.

445
00:16:46,708 --> 00:16:47,642
See, thing is,

446
00:16:47,675 --> 00:16:49,544
that when you go through
something like that,

447
00:16:49,577 --> 00:16:51,546
you feel
this terrifying panic, right,

448
00:16:51,579 --> 00:16:54,381
this absolute certainty that
you're going to die today.

449
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:55,449
Just to reiterate...

450
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:56,594
And that the person you're with

451
00:16:56,618 --> 00:17:00,822
is the last person you're ever
gonna see, it bonds you.

452
00:17:00,855 --> 00:17:02,322
Yeah, I mean,
when you go through

453
00:17:02,356 --> 00:17:04,057
something like that,
it does bond you.

454
00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:07,227
So we decided to try again.

455
00:17:07,261 --> 00:17:08,606
Which was the biggest
fucking mistake

456
00:17:08,630 --> 00:17:10,665
in the history of mistakes!

457
00:17:10,698 --> 00:17:12,834
Because in that brief respite,
right,

458
00:17:12,867 --> 00:17:16,671
on the sunny uplands
of stupidity,

459
00:17:16,704 --> 00:17:20,575
we decided that what we really
needed was a child, huh?

460
00:17:20,608 --> 00:17:23,578
Never make decisions
after a near-death experience.

461
00:17:23,611 --> 00:17:26,079
Or even a death-adjacent
experience.

462
00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:28,716
That fetus, right, was no bigger

463
00:17:28,750 --> 00:17:31,519
than a fucking bullet to the
head before we remembered

464
00:17:31,553 --> 00:17:33,621
that we could not stand
the sight of each other.

465
00:17:33,655 --> 00:17:36,691
And the rest, as they say,
is shit-story.

466
00:17:36,724 --> 00:17:38,392
And that's the mushroom story.

467
00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:39,661
Artie, here.

468
00:17:41,863 --> 00:17:43,631
It's not been that bad,
though, lockdown.

469
00:17:43,665 --> 00:17:44,699
No!

470
00:17:44,732 --> 00:17:46,133
We're two weeks done

471
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:47,511
and, you know,
we're getting through it.

472
00:17:47,535 --> 00:17:48,603
Yeah, we are.

473
00:17:48,636 --> 00:17:49,847
Don't get me wrong.
It's not been pleasant though.

474
00:17:49,871 --> 00:17:51,104
God, no.

475
00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:52,574
We still have to see each other,

476
00:17:52,607 --> 00:17:54,809
pass each other
on the stairs, ugh...

477
00:17:54,842 --> 00:17:57,645
Just with everyone being so
happy-clappy fucking cheerful.

478
00:17:57,679 --> 00:17:59,479
Oh, which is inappropriate,
by the way.

479
00:17:59,514 --> 00:18:02,249
Have you seen WhatsApp?
It's intolerable.

480
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:05,720
Twitter, Instagram.
You can't even, you know...

481
00:18:05,753 --> 00:18:08,556
"We're all in this together,
guys." "We'll get through it."

482
00:18:08,590 --> 00:18:11,124
Oh, my God. "I'm learning
how to play the banjo."

483
00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:13,126
"Look at me,
I made a macrame scarf

484
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:16,296
"out of fucking pasta twirls."
Just pack it in.

485
00:18:16,330 --> 00:18:17,665
So there's been a lot going on

486
00:18:17,699 --> 00:18:20,535
and it's helped us
not to have to,

487
00:18:20,568 --> 00:18:23,671
you know, focus on, or talk to,

488
00:18:23,705 --> 00:18:24,806
or even notice each other.

489
00:18:24,839 --> 00:18:26,483
Yeah, I mean, we could pretend
that the other one...

490
00:18:26,507 --> 00:18:28,241
- Didn't exist.
- Was in a coma or...

491
00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:30,878
Look, my business
for one thing, right,

492
00:18:30,912 --> 00:18:33,280
it's taking
a lot of sorting out.

493
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:35,315
- Tell them what you do.
- Don't start.

494
00:18:35,349 --> 00:18:37,552
- No, no. Go on.
- Don't start with that.

495
00:18:37,585 --> 00:18:38,762
No one understands what he does.

496
00:18:38,786 --> 00:18:39,821
Yes, they do.

497
00:18:39,854 --> 00:18:41,823
I don't understand what you do.

498
00:18:41,856 --> 00:18:43,223
That is absolutely not true.

499
00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:44,467
People do understand what I do.

500
00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:46,360
- Go on. Tell them.
- Okay.

501
00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:48,395
I've got a boutique consultancy.

502
00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:50,263
We specialize in data analytics

503
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:52,175
and finding technological
multimedia solutions...

504
00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:53,266
I mean, what?

505
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:56,537
For linear online broadcast
marketing providers,

506
00:18:56,571 --> 00:18:58,539
who specialize
in cost-efficiency savings.

507
00:18:58,573 --> 00:18:59,507
What's complicated about that?

508
00:18:59,540 --> 00:19:02,209
Mm-hmm. When we were
first going out together

509
00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:05,345
and people would ask him what
he did and he'd say all that,

510
00:19:05,379 --> 00:19:07,180
I would just
lean forward and go,

511
00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:09,550
"He means computers."

512
00:19:10,885 --> 00:19:13,453
Which was really funny,
a million years ago.

513
00:19:13,487 --> 00:19:15,823
But there's been
a lot of wrapping-up.

514
00:19:15,857 --> 00:19:17,391
So thank God for Rishi.

515
00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:18,860
- Comrade Rishi.
- Eh?

516
00:19:18,893 --> 00:19:20,494
I'm just saying,
the state stepped in.

517
00:19:20,528 --> 00:19:23,230
- Oh, it's a pandemic.
- Borrowing to invest in jobs.

518
00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:25,265
- It's a pandemic.
- I mean...

519
00:19:25,298 --> 00:19:28,435
I mean, isn't this
exactly the manifesto

520
00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:31,338
that Jeremy Corbyn
fought the last election on?

521
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:33,975
Yes, it is. Yes, you were
fighting the last election

522
00:19:34,008 --> 00:19:35,442
in order to introduce measures,

523
00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:36,844
which have been
absolutely perfect

524
00:19:36,878 --> 00:19:38,445
for shutting the economy down.

525
00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:41,481
It wasn't a pandemic in 2008
when the banks...

526
00:19:41,516 --> 00:19:44,652
Don't. I never agreed
with 2008. Fuck 2008.

527
00:19:44,686 --> 00:19:46,954
There is no such thing
as too big to fail.

528
00:19:46,988 --> 00:19:50,725
That would be socialism.
Nah, let the weak perish.

529
00:19:50,758 --> 00:19:52,694
Yeah, don't mind handout now,
though, do you?

530
00:19:52,727 --> 00:19:55,328
They're loans! They're loans,
woman! They're loans!

531
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:57,431
Look, my company's not weak,
okay? Never been weak.

532
00:19:57,464 --> 00:19:59,767
Yeah, no, just incomprehensible.

533
00:19:59,801 --> 00:20:02,235
Anyway, there was
so much to sort out.

534
00:20:02,269 --> 00:20:03,203
There was all the loans,

535
00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:05,506
there was the refund
in statutory sick pay,

536
00:20:05,540 --> 00:20:07,875
the VAT deferral, then furlough.

537
00:20:07,909 --> 00:20:09,787
I mean, that was actually
really important to me

538
00:20:09,811 --> 00:20:11,344
because I've got 12 employees.

539
00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:12,890
- Yeah, who you sacked.
- Who I did not sack.

540
00:20:12,914 --> 00:20:14,882
You already sent out
the emails firing them.

541
00:20:14,916 --> 00:20:17,685
Which I immediately rescinded
when the furlough came in.

542
00:20:17,719 --> 00:20:20,253
Yeah, when the government
was paying their wages.

543
00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:21,732
They're really good people.
I took them all back.

544
00:20:21,756 --> 00:20:23,490
Yeah, at 80% of their salary.

545
00:20:23,524 --> 00:20:25,026
Which is what the furlough is.

546
00:20:25,059 --> 00:20:27,962
- You can top it up, though.
- If you're a mug!

547
00:20:30,765 --> 00:20:34,769
Look, meanwhile...
she's still getting to work.

548
00:20:34,802 --> 00:20:38,438
Yeah. I work
for a charity called PFN.

549
00:20:38,472 --> 00:20:42,275
We're like the Taliban version
of Medecins Sans Frontieres.

550
00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:43,343
Oh, aye,

551
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:45,445
- saving the world, this one.
- Mm.

552
00:20:45,479 --> 00:20:46,881
I work with refugees.

553
00:20:46,914 --> 00:20:47,958
It's good what she does,
actually.

554
00:20:47,982 --> 00:20:49,117
I am actually proud of that.

555
00:20:49,150 --> 00:20:52,553
- I'm a bit proud of that.
- I'm just a coordinator, so...

556
00:20:52,587 --> 00:20:54,756
Aye, for Europe.
For the whole of Europe.

557
00:20:54,789 --> 00:20:56,691
Working her fingers
to the bone, so she is.

558
00:20:56,724 --> 00:20:58,860
I mean, I don't agree with
most refugees on principle,

559
00:20:58,893 --> 00:21:00,695
but some of the ones
she helps... Phew.

560
00:21:00,728 --> 00:21:02,063
The ones I help
are no different.

561
00:21:02,096 --> 00:21:03,865
Some of the stories
of these ones...

562
00:21:03,898 --> 00:21:04,975
These ones are no different.

563
00:21:04,999 --> 00:21:06,009
I mean, your heart
goes out to them.

564
00:21:06,033 --> 00:21:07,811
It's heart-rending,
the stories of these ones.

565
00:21:07,835 --> 00:21:09,871
Which ones? Which ones?

566
00:21:09,904 --> 00:21:12,507
Which ones are these ones?
These ones are no different!

567
00:21:12,540 --> 00:21:14,441
You know, I'm not even
gonna get into it.

568
00:21:15,877 --> 00:21:17,344
There's been a lot going on.

569
00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:19,547
And, you know,
with homeschooling,

570
00:21:19,580 --> 00:21:21,620
which, in fairness, he has
taken the lion's share of

571
00:21:21,649 --> 00:21:22,583
and he's good at it.

572
00:21:22,617 --> 00:21:24,952
Aye, the Portuguese
colonization of Macau

573
00:21:24,986 --> 00:21:26,486
and the melting point of lead

574
00:21:26,521 --> 00:21:27,831
were just two little
memory nuggets

575
00:21:27,855 --> 00:21:29,489
I was particularly proud of.

576
00:21:29,524 --> 00:21:31,068
He has been good at it,
I'll give him that.

577
00:21:31,092 --> 00:21:33,326
It actually suits little Artie
better, as well.

578
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,005
I mean, he's not very good
with other kids.

579
00:21:35,029 --> 00:21:36,898
Yeah, but he's lovely.

580
00:21:36,931 --> 00:21:39,634
- Is he there?
- Aye, no, he's lovely.

581
00:21:39,667 --> 00:21:41,936
Yes, he is. He's a lovely
wee boy. He is indeed.

582
00:21:41,969 --> 00:21:44,572
He's a lovely, lovely wee fella.

583
00:21:44,605 --> 00:21:46,406
Now, fair's fair,
you gave me a great son.

584
00:21:46,439 --> 00:21:48,408
I didn't give him to you,
you fuck!

585
00:21:48,441 --> 00:21:50,477
And then there's Mum.
Obviously I was worried.

586
00:21:50,511 --> 00:21:51,813
We both were.

587
00:21:51,846 --> 00:21:53,557
You know, whatever's going on
between her and I,

588
00:21:53,581 --> 00:21:55,348
- I like the old girl.
- Ha!

589
00:21:55,382 --> 00:21:56,250
She hates you.

590
00:21:56,284 --> 00:21:58,586
- She loves me.
- She hates your politics.

591
00:21:58,619 --> 00:21:59,520
She loves my politics.

592
00:21:59,554 --> 00:22:00,597
It gives her something
to argue against.

593
00:22:00,621 --> 00:22:03,090
My mum's a flat-out,
dyed-in-the-wool communist.

594
00:22:03,124 --> 00:22:05,793
Yeah, proper old-school,
CCCP-loving commie.

595
00:22:05,827 --> 00:22:07,504
Never got over the fall
of the Berlin Wall.

596
00:22:07,528 --> 00:22:08,639
See, back in the '70s, right,

597
00:22:08,663 --> 00:22:10,131
she had links
to the Angry Brigade.

598
00:22:10,164 --> 00:22:11,398
She didn't have links.

599
00:22:11,431 --> 00:22:13,577
Remember the people who tried
to blow up the Telecom Tower?

600
00:22:13,601 --> 00:22:16,403
She's the reason the revolving
restaurant no longer revolves.

601
00:22:16,436 --> 00:22:19,540
She may have hid two people

602
00:22:19,574 --> 00:22:21,576
who may or may not
have been involved

603
00:22:21,609 --> 00:22:22,877
for a number of hours, yeah.

604
00:22:22,910 --> 00:22:25,088
See, I once caught her, right,
trying to read <i>Das Kapital</i>

605
00:22:25,112 --> 00:22:26,681
to little Artie in his crib.

606
00:22:26,714 --> 00:22:28,149
I mean, I love her.

607
00:22:28,182 --> 00:22:30,417
- She is fiercely independent.
- Mm.

608
00:22:30,450 --> 00:22:32,753
It took us ages to get her to
accept the carers coming in.

609
00:22:32,787 --> 00:22:34,021
She's just scared, ain't she?

610
00:22:34,055 --> 00:22:35,823
Her legs, they're not
what they once were.

611
00:22:35,857 --> 00:22:37,792
They get scared
when their legs start to go.

612
00:22:37,825 --> 00:22:39,169
Mind you,
it's all started to go now.

613
00:22:39,193 --> 00:22:40,728
I'm forcing her to Zoom
every day.

614
00:22:40,761 --> 00:22:43,463
Her kidneys and her eyes.
Her neck went this one time.

615
00:22:43,496 --> 00:22:44,575
I don't mean, like, her throat.

616
00:22:44,599 --> 00:22:46,701
I mean, like, her neck muscles
holding up her head.

617
00:22:46,734 --> 00:22:47,768
She was like that.

618
00:22:47,802 --> 00:22:48,879
I'm like,
"You all right, darling?"

619
00:22:48,903 --> 00:22:50,504
She went...

620
00:22:50,538 --> 00:22:52,807
Giving her her lunch,
she's like...

621
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,876
I'm like, "Fuck me, man.
It's terrifying."

622
00:22:54,909 --> 00:22:57,044
Anyway, so the afternoon,
the carer comes in.

623
00:22:57,078 --> 00:22:59,180
- This is with Miriam, right?
- Maryama.

624
00:22:59,213 --> 00:23:00,982
Somali girl. I call her
Miriam. She loves it.

625
00:23:01,015 --> 00:23:03,026
- Uh, she really doesn't!
- Anyway, she's the good one.

626
00:23:03,050 --> 00:23:04,451
She's one of the good ones.

627
00:23:04,484 --> 00:23:05,662
Anyway, you're on Zoom
and you see her.

628
00:23:05,686 --> 00:23:08,689
Yeah, I see her. And she's
wearing this home-made visor,

629
00:23:08,723 --> 00:23:11,726
made out of plastic,
like, see-through...

630
00:23:11,759 --> 00:23:13,594
You know, like
a plastic pocket kind of thing

631
00:23:13,628 --> 00:23:14,729
held on with rubber bands.

632
00:23:14,762 --> 00:23:18,498
I mean, she's
fucking Miriam, the good one.

633
00:23:18,532 --> 00:23:21,068
Yeah, and I ask her about PPE
and she's like,

634
00:23:21,102 --> 00:23:23,004
they haven't given her
any extra at all.

635
00:23:23,037 --> 00:23:24,005
No, nothing.

636
00:23:24,038 --> 00:23:25,878
They're making their own gowns
out of bin bags.

637
00:23:25,907 --> 00:23:27,440
I mean,
what the fuck is going on?

638
00:23:27,474 --> 00:23:30,645
Yeah, so Maryama's not happy
about this at all.

639
00:23:30,678 --> 00:23:31,788
You know, 'cause she's scared.

640
00:23:31,812 --> 00:23:33,824
She's scared for herself,
she's scared for her family,

641
00:23:33,848 --> 00:23:35,759
- she's scared for her clients.
- Tell them how many buses

642
00:23:35,783 --> 00:23:36,617
- she has to get.
- Three.

643
00:23:36,651 --> 00:23:38,786
- How many clients that day?
- Eight.

644
00:23:38,819 --> 00:23:39,921
What the fucking what?

645
00:23:39,954 --> 00:23:41,555
Yeah, so I go into a tailspin.

646
00:23:41,589 --> 00:23:43,925
I'm calling, like,
the council, the doctor.

647
00:23:43,958 --> 00:23:45,235
You know, I'm calling helplines,

648
00:23:45,259 --> 00:23:46,627
but can't get any answer

649
00:23:46,661 --> 00:23:48,071
'cause of everything
that's fucking going on.

650
00:23:48,095 --> 00:23:50,007
So I'm just gonna go and
get her and bring her here.

651
00:23:50,031 --> 00:23:51,599
But then am I exposing her?

652
00:23:51,632 --> 00:23:53,076
Yeah, I mean,
does one of us go and stay?

653
00:23:53,100 --> 00:23:54,635
- But who's looking after him?
- Yeah.

654
00:23:54,669 --> 00:23:57,071
So, I mean, we're just, like,
beside ourselves.

655
00:23:57,104 --> 00:23:59,807
And, you know, there's
this killer virus out there

656
00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:03,711
and you're sitting pretty
while your mother, your mum...

657
00:24:03,744 --> 00:24:05,088
And I'm thinking,
"Is this it?" you know.

658
00:24:05,112 --> 00:24:06,914
"Is my mum gonna die?"

659
00:24:06,948 --> 00:24:10,584
"Is my mother gonna die now?"
We're fucking terrified.

660
00:24:10,618 --> 00:24:12,586
But then her sister
just swoops in,

661
00:24:12,620 --> 00:24:13,955
sorts it all out,
out of the blue.

662
00:24:13,988 --> 00:24:16,090
- She was amazing.
- Out of the blue.

663
00:24:16,123 --> 00:24:18,826
Yeah, which is... you know,
'cause she's not normally...

664
00:24:18,859 --> 00:24:19,903
I mean, normally she's a bit...

665
00:24:19,927 --> 00:24:21,662
- Selfish?
- Not selfish.

666
00:24:21,696 --> 00:24:23,931
- Trying to be a comedian.
- Yeah. It's not a comedian.

667
00:24:23,965 --> 00:24:25,075
It's more performative
than that.

668
00:24:25,099 --> 00:24:27,802
Try telling a fucking joke.
That might raise a laugh.

669
00:24:27,835 --> 00:24:29,670
Look, fair's fair,
she saved the day.

670
00:24:29,704 --> 00:24:32,073
Yeah. She got her to go
to that home.

671
00:24:32,106 --> 00:24:33,116
That care home, you remember?

672
00:24:33,140 --> 00:24:35,543
Yeah. She persuaded her
to go to that care home.

673
00:24:35,576 --> 00:24:37,211
Lovely place.
I mean, absolutely amazing.

674
00:24:37,244 --> 00:24:38,889
God knows how she managed it,
but somehow...

675
00:24:38,913 --> 00:24:41,515
Yeah, she persuaded her to go
to the lovely, lovely home

676
00:24:41,549 --> 00:24:42,416
and they took her in.

677
00:24:42,450 --> 00:24:44,819
- What a relief.
- Yeah, it was amazing.

678
00:24:44,852 --> 00:24:46,253
I know. Overnight.

679
00:24:46,287 --> 00:24:48,622
No messing. Right in, overnight.

680
00:24:48,656 --> 00:24:51,025
Yeah. I mean,
she'll be safe there, right?

681
00:24:51,058 --> 00:24:53,961
In there? Aye, aye.
She'll be safe in there.

682
00:25:36,370 --> 00:25:40,141
This evening,
I harvested asparagus.

683
00:25:42,710 --> 00:25:45,780
I've never done that before.

684
00:25:45,813 --> 00:25:47,982
Actually, I shouldn't
have done it now

685
00:25:48,015 --> 00:25:49,726
because I only planted them
a few months ago.

686
00:25:49,750 --> 00:25:52,153
And with asparagus, right,

687
00:25:52,186 --> 00:25:54,688
you're supposed to leave them
for three years

688
00:25:54,722 --> 00:25:57,992
to let the crown bed in,
otherwise it dies.

689
00:25:59,060 --> 00:26:01,929
Apparently
that's what Google says.

690
00:26:01,962 --> 00:26:04,632
But, er,
I just could not resist it.

691
00:26:04,665 --> 00:26:08,803
You know, I've grown it
with my own hands and soil.

692
00:26:10,104 --> 00:26:11,005
Look, I'm not saying

693
00:26:11,038 --> 00:26:14,375
I'm some green fingered
vegetable person.

694
00:26:14,408 --> 00:26:17,611
That is not what this is,
you know,

695
00:26:17,645 --> 00:26:19,713
it's just this year with
everything that's going on.

696
00:26:20,781 --> 00:26:22,850
I ordered them...

697
00:26:22,883 --> 00:26:24,819
back in early February.

698
00:26:25,886 --> 00:26:27,288
Dunno why.

699
00:26:28,022 --> 00:26:29,857
Just did, you know.

700
00:26:29,890 --> 00:26:31,168
This was just when
we were getting

701
00:26:31,192 --> 00:26:32,893
the first sniff of this thing

702
00:26:32,927 --> 00:26:35,629
happening off
in far-flung China,

703
00:26:35,663 --> 00:26:39,400
this little place
that nobody had ever heard of.

704
00:26:39,433 --> 00:26:40,968
And these health things,

705
00:26:41,001 --> 00:26:42,870
they do happen every now
and again, don't they?

706
00:26:42,903 --> 00:26:45,739
I mean, like bird flu,
Ebola, SARS.

707
00:26:46,407 --> 00:26:47,975
And, don't get me wrong,

708
00:26:48,008 --> 00:26:51,412
I am not saying that I knew
this was all gonna happen.

709
00:26:51,445 --> 00:26:54,381
I'm not saying that I was
thinking I had to be some.

710
00:26:54,415 --> 00:26:57,785
"Grizzly Adams nuclear
fallout shelter" kind of guy.

711
00:26:57,818 --> 00:27:01,088
I'm just talking about
planting a few veggies.

712
00:27:01,122 --> 00:27:02,823
I actually think
about doing it every year,

713
00:27:02,857 --> 00:27:03,900
just never get round to it.

714
00:27:03,924 --> 00:27:06,994
I suppose it's like learning
the names of trees,

715
00:27:07,027 --> 00:27:09,063
or reading Charles Dickens.

716
00:27:09,096 --> 00:27:11,198
You know it's gonna make you
a better person.

717
00:27:11,232 --> 00:27:13,000
Just nobody fucking does it.

718
00:27:13,033 --> 00:27:15,669
But this year, with everything
that's happening...

719
00:27:18,939 --> 00:27:21,175
I actually find myself doing it.

720
00:27:21,208 --> 00:27:23,878
And I'm planting vegetables,
you know.

721
00:27:23,911 --> 00:27:24,988
I've got everything in there.

722
00:27:25,012 --> 00:27:30,351
I've got carrots, courgettes,
tomatoes, cucumbers.

723
00:27:30,384 --> 00:27:31,852
I've got radishes,

724
00:27:31,886 --> 00:27:33,363
got this wee thing
that I got from Venezuela,

725
00:27:33,387 --> 00:27:34,922
I'm not quite sure what it is.

726
00:27:34,955 --> 00:27:38,159
And, er, asparagus, right.

727
00:27:38,192 --> 00:27:40,361
So, tonight...

728
00:27:43,797 --> 00:27:45,032
we get a call

729
00:27:45,065 --> 00:27:46,800
just probably after
they've announced

730
00:27:46,834 --> 00:27:48,769
the official end of lockdown

731
00:27:48,802 --> 00:27:50,337
from Jonathan, right.

732
00:27:50,371 --> 00:27:53,974
Jonathan's the ICU nurse,
over there at the hospital.

733
00:27:54,008 --> 00:27:58,312
Amazing guy, Jonathan,
like, he's lovely.

734
00:27:58,345 --> 00:28:01,882
I cannot speak highly enough
about Jonathan.

735
00:28:01,916 --> 00:28:06,120
And he's the main nurse,
over there in intensive care

736
00:28:06,153 --> 00:28:07,488
looking after the old girl,

737
00:28:07,522 --> 00:28:09,290
because Covid,
you know, it just...

738
00:28:10,758 --> 00:28:11,992
just swept through that place.

739
00:28:12,026 --> 00:28:15,763
It just rampaged
right through the care home.

740
00:28:16,830 --> 00:28:19,433
Loads dead, loads in hospital.

741
00:28:19,466 --> 00:28:21,869
Like the old girl,
you know, taken in,

742
00:28:21,902 --> 00:28:25,940
intubated, on a ventilator,
stuck in a coma.

743
00:28:25,973 --> 00:28:28,475
And Jonathan, he's...

744
00:28:28,510 --> 00:28:31,212
he's on the phone
to us every day,

745
00:28:31,245 --> 00:28:33,480
telling us everything.
Everything.

746
00:28:33,515 --> 00:28:35,849
Temperature, heart rate,

747
00:28:35,883 --> 00:28:38,185
fucking which consultant
is seeing her,

748
00:28:38,219 --> 00:28:39,887
when they're flipping her
on to her front

749
00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:42,122
so that she can get
her breathing going.

750
00:28:42,156 --> 00:28:43,757
And, when he's got
a minute, right,

751
00:28:43,791 --> 00:28:46,860
which isn't very often,
I can tell you that,

752
00:28:46,894 --> 00:28:48,896
he talks to her,

753
00:28:48,929 --> 00:28:51,298
or he'll stick the phone up
to her ear so that we can.

754
00:28:51,332 --> 00:28:54,134
He's fucking just
an amazing guy, Jonathan.

755
00:28:54,168 --> 00:28:56,003
Lovely, you know.

756
00:28:56,036 --> 00:28:57,814
I just cannot fault him.
Cannot fault Jonathan.

757
00:28:57,838 --> 00:29:00,975
Anyway, when we get the call
from him tonight,

758
00:29:01,576 --> 00:29:03,310
it's the one

759
00:29:03,344 --> 00:29:05,946
that we've been dreading, right.

760
00:29:05,980 --> 00:29:07,414
"One of you..."

761
00:29:10,552 --> 00:29:13,487
"Can come in for 15 minutes
to say goodbye."

762
00:29:16,824 --> 00:29:18,225
She's the one
that takes the call.

763
00:29:18,259 --> 00:29:20,294
This is about 6:30.

764
00:29:20,327 --> 00:29:22,263
And I'm watching her
and she's on the phone,

765
00:29:22,296 --> 00:29:25,299
"Mm, mm," she's nodding away.

766
00:29:25,332 --> 00:29:28,435
Jonathan's on the other end,
being smashing.

767
00:29:28,469 --> 00:29:32,039
And she hangs up
and she tells me,

768
00:29:32,072 --> 00:29:33,274
just real matter of fact,

769
00:29:33,941 --> 00:29:35,442
"It's happening."

770
00:29:35,476 --> 00:29:37,512
Jonathan says
one of you can come in

771
00:29:37,545 --> 00:29:40,881
for 15 minutes to say goodbye

772
00:29:40,914 --> 00:29:43,784
and that we're lucky because...

773
00:29:45,152 --> 00:29:47,921
most other places aren't
even letting you do that.

774
00:29:49,423 --> 00:29:51,925
She's gotta be there at 8:45.

775
00:29:53,994 --> 00:29:57,264
She just says it like that,
you know, just cold as ice.

776
00:29:58,098 --> 00:30:01,335
But inside I can see

777
00:30:01,368 --> 00:30:03,304
her heart's just, like...

778
00:30:04,204 --> 00:30:05,205
gone...

779
00:30:06,574 --> 00:30:08,375
you know, like that.

780
00:30:14,315 --> 00:30:15,583
Like that.

781
00:30:23,023 --> 00:30:24,858
So, at 8:45, right,
I'm thinking,

782
00:30:24,892 --> 00:30:26,994
phew, "That's a bit of time..."

783
00:30:27,027 --> 00:30:29,463
"I'm gonna harvest
that asparagus."

784
00:30:29,496 --> 00:30:32,299
So I did.
I clipped it and steamed it,

785
00:30:32,333 --> 00:30:35,102
bit of salt and pepper,
made fresh hollandaise.

786
00:30:35,135 --> 00:30:37,280
It's not easy to do that but
it's really tasty when you do.

787
00:30:37,304 --> 00:30:40,542
And we sat down together

788
00:30:41,975 --> 00:30:44,244
and we ate the asparagus.

789
00:30:44,278 --> 00:30:46,146
And she said it was lovely.

790
00:30:47,014 --> 00:30:48,482
I think it helped...

791
00:30:49,584 --> 00:30:51,385
take her mind off...

792
00:30:53,320 --> 00:30:55,022
Anyway, here's the thing, right,

793
00:30:55,055 --> 00:30:57,067
the thing that's been going
over and over in my mind

794
00:30:57,091 --> 00:30:58,959
as I'm sitting here waiting...

795
00:31:04,599 --> 00:31:07,034
if there was
enough of an inkling,

796
00:31:07,067 --> 00:31:09,103
back in early February,

797
00:31:09,136 --> 00:31:13,273
for me to get myself online
and order asparagus crowns,

798
00:31:13,307 --> 00:31:15,075
and, I mean, who the fuck am I?

799
00:31:15,109 --> 00:31:17,945
But if there was
enough of a sniff

800
00:31:17,978 --> 00:31:20,582
at this thing happening
back then,

801
00:31:20,615 --> 00:31:23,350
then how come the people
that run this country...

802
00:31:24,451 --> 00:31:25,520
Like, how come the people

803
00:31:25,553 --> 00:31:28,122
who actually run this country...

804
00:31:29,490 --> 00:31:31,358
How is it possible
that the people

805
00:31:31,392 --> 00:31:33,528
who actually run this country...

806
00:31:56,618 --> 00:31:57,951
What you doing?

807
00:31:57,985 --> 00:31:59,721
I'm just... I'm just putting

808
00:31:59,754 --> 00:32:01,388
her temperature
in the spreadsheet.

809
00:32:02,222 --> 00:32:04,425
Why? I mean, is that...

810
00:32:07,461 --> 00:32:09,329
Does that matter anymore?

811
00:32:12,567 --> 00:32:14,501
Er, no, I suppose not.

812
00:32:16,370 --> 00:32:18,272
What are you doing?
Don't. Don't.

813
00:32:18,305 --> 00:32:20,474
Well, I thought,
like, a hug, or...

814
00:32:20,508 --> 00:32:23,076
No, no,
'cause I have to self-isolate.

815
00:32:23,110 --> 00:32:25,379
- What, in here?
- Yeah.

816
00:32:25,412 --> 00:32:27,014
- Yeah, don't you think?
- Uh...

817
00:32:28,048 --> 00:32:29,316
I don't know.

818
00:32:35,456 --> 00:32:36,624
So how was it?

819
00:32:39,293 --> 00:32:40,394
Er...

820
00:32:43,330 --> 00:32:45,265
Well, she was unconscious.

821
00:32:48,168 --> 00:32:51,739
And the hospital was weird.
It was just really empty

822
00:32:51,773 --> 00:32:54,274
in the places that are
normally busy and...

823
00:32:55,375 --> 00:32:56,210
But, you know, you could tell,

824
00:32:56,243 --> 00:32:58,078
behind the scenes,
everyone's just...

825
00:32:59,279 --> 00:33:00,414
um...

826
00:33:01,516 --> 00:33:04,786
- Jonathan was amazing.
- Yeah, Jonathan is amazing.

827
00:33:04,819 --> 00:33:06,386
Yeah.

828
00:33:06,420 --> 00:33:09,323
He just told me everything
that was gonna happen.

829
00:33:09,356 --> 00:33:11,358
And he said the consultant
had been in

830
00:33:11,391 --> 00:33:13,591
and she reckoned it was gonna
happen in the early hours.

831
00:33:15,730 --> 00:33:17,331
But he said, "Don't worry"

832
00:33:17,364 --> 00:33:19,634
because he was doing
an all-nighter

833
00:33:19,667 --> 00:33:21,736
and, you know, he'd make sure

834
00:33:21,769 --> 00:33:23,771
he was there when the time came.

835
00:33:23,805 --> 00:33:27,274
He said that's what the nurses
try and do, they...

836
00:33:27,307 --> 00:33:30,043
they just try and make sure
that people don't die alone.

837
00:33:32,346 --> 00:33:33,347
Yeah.

838
00:33:34,414 --> 00:33:35,415
Erm...

839
00:33:37,184 --> 00:33:38,151
And then he showed me

840
00:33:38,185 --> 00:33:40,287
how to put on
all the protective gear and...

841
00:33:42,790 --> 00:33:45,560
And for it to still be
comfortable, you know.

842
00:33:45,593 --> 00:33:48,228
And, er, then he took me in.

843
00:33:49,463 --> 00:33:51,666
And I had 15 minutes.

844
00:33:58,238 --> 00:34:00,608
I spent the first 10

845
00:34:00,642 --> 00:34:01,882
just talking about the traffic.

846
00:34:02,476 --> 00:34:03,578
Why?

847
00:34:03,611 --> 00:34:05,613
Because the roads were so clear.

848
00:34:11,719 --> 00:34:14,388
Yeah. And then, er,

849
00:34:14,421 --> 00:34:17,324
after 10 minutes, he leaned in
and he said, you know,

850
00:34:17,357 --> 00:34:18,760
"Tell her you love her, and..."

851
00:34:20,662 --> 00:34:23,798
And I did, I did, I just, er...

852
00:34:25,365 --> 00:34:27,535
All this stuff just, er...

853
00:34:27,569 --> 00:34:29,369
just poured out of me,
all this stuff.

854
00:34:31,171 --> 00:34:32,439
What stuff?

855
00:34:33,808 --> 00:34:35,810
Just that I loved her, you know,

856
00:34:37,210 --> 00:34:39,212
and that
I was proud of her and...

857
00:34:42,249 --> 00:34:43,585
that I was really grateful

858
00:34:43,618 --> 00:34:45,553
for the person she was

859
00:34:45,587 --> 00:34:48,756
and everything she'd done
for me. And I was...

860
00:34:48,790 --> 00:34:51,224
I was just so, so sorry that
I'd never said any of that

861
00:34:51,258 --> 00:34:53,193
when she could hear me,
you know.

862
00:34:54,862 --> 00:34:56,864
And that I loved her
so much that...

863
00:34:58,498 --> 00:35:00,868
my life was already hurting
without her in it

864
00:35:00,902 --> 00:35:03,437
and I was worried that
the hurt would never go away.

865
00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:07,709
No, no, no.

866
00:35:07,742 --> 00:35:09,611
Do you not think, like...

867
00:35:14,916 --> 00:35:16,116
Right.

868
00:35:17,685 --> 00:35:18,653
And then I told her

869
00:35:18,686 --> 00:35:21,355
that, er, Jonathan had told me
not to worry.

870
00:35:24,726 --> 00:35:27,629
I told her that
I'd spoken to him

871
00:35:27,662 --> 00:35:31,666
and he promised me that when
the time came, he'd be there.

872
00:35:31,699 --> 00:35:33,367
I told her that, erm,

873
00:35:34,401 --> 00:35:36,203
he promised me
he'd hold her hand...

874
00:35:37,739 --> 00:35:39,373
when she went.
That's what I told her.

875
00:35:46,313 --> 00:35:49,684
I feel like I do wanna
put her temperature in this...

876
00:35:49,717 --> 00:35:51,619
Go for it. Yeah.

877
00:35:52,553 --> 00:35:53,554
Just...

878
00:35:53,588 --> 00:35:56,490
But, erm, there isn't really
a point, is there?

879
00:35:57,324 --> 00:35:58,325
No.

880
00:36:01,929 --> 00:36:03,965
Look, there was never a point,

881
00:36:03,998 --> 00:36:05,365
so if it makes you
feel better...

882
00:36:06,433 --> 00:36:08,235
Well, if there's no point,
it's just...

883
00:36:16,443 --> 00:36:18,513
You said amazing things to her.

884
00:36:19,479 --> 00:36:21,214
- Did I?
- Aye.

885
00:36:24,952 --> 00:36:27,522
- Because I don't think I did.
- You totally did.

886
00:36:28,488 --> 00:36:29,489
Okay.

887
00:36:29,924 --> 00:36:30,925
Good.

888
00:36:33,928 --> 00:36:35,897
Because then, um,
I was driving home

889
00:36:35,930 --> 00:36:38,533
and Jonathan called and
he said it was happening now.

890
00:36:38,566 --> 00:36:40,001
No... Wait. No.

891
00:36:40,034 --> 00:36:41,736
- Yeah.
- No.

892
00:36:41,769 --> 00:36:43,013
But I thought it was
the early hours?

893
00:36:43,037 --> 00:36:45,573
Yeah, but she'd taken
a turn for the worse,

894
00:36:45,606 --> 00:36:46,784
so it was happening right then.

895
00:36:46,808 --> 00:36:48,710
- Jesus.
- I know.

896
00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:55,315
And she was alone.

897
00:36:55,348 --> 00:36:56,918
Yeah. Well, no,
she had Jonathan, right?

898
00:36:56,951 --> 00:36:59,721
- She didn't.
- I thought he was gonna...

899
00:36:59,754 --> 00:37:02,690
She didn't have Jonathan.

900
00:37:02,724 --> 00:37:06,761
Because he had another patient
who was dying at the same time

901
00:37:06,794 --> 00:37:08,996
and that person
had no one, so...

902
00:37:10,932 --> 00:37:14,869
He said at least my mum had me
to FaceTime with her.

903
00:37:14,902 --> 00:37:17,270
Oh, my God.

904
00:37:17,304 --> 00:37:19,640
And I really begged him not...

905
00:37:19,674 --> 00:37:21,008
Really begged him not to leave.

906
00:37:21,042 --> 00:37:24,545
I said, "Please don't let
my mum die on her own."

907
00:37:24,579 --> 00:37:25,913
And he said, "Sorry."

908
00:37:27,314 --> 00:37:29,316
And I said...

909
00:37:30,350 --> 00:37:31,318
I said, "Please."

910
00:37:31,351 --> 00:37:34,354
And he said he's sorry
that he had to choose.

911
00:37:36,758 --> 00:37:39,459
And he did.
He did have to choose.

912
00:37:40,795 --> 00:37:42,830
He did.

913
00:37:42,864 --> 00:37:47,602
So he just, he put his phone
on the arm of the bed.

914
00:37:51,072 --> 00:37:54,374
And I sat in a lay-by
on the ring road.

915
00:37:55,375 --> 00:37:56,911
FaceTiming in.

916
00:37:58,780 --> 00:38:03,316
I just sat there
and I watched my mum die,

917
00:38:03,350 --> 00:38:06,319
listening to Jonathan on
the other side of the curtain

918
00:38:07,420 --> 00:38:09,690
telling a man
he didn't even know

919
00:38:09,724 --> 00:38:12,894
that he was there
and he wasn't gonna leave him.

920
00:38:17,497 --> 00:38:19,700
So, yeah, Mum died on her own.

921
00:39:38,713 --> 00:39:44,518
<i>♪ In the bleak midwinter</i>

922
00:39:44,552 --> 00:39:49,590
<i>♪ Frosty wind made moan</i>

923
00:39:50,658 --> 00:39:56,831
<i>♪ Earth stood hard as iron</i>

924
00:39:56,864 --> 00:40:02,103
<i>♪ Water like a stone</i>

925
00:40:02,136 --> 00:40:05,506
<i>♪ Snow had fallen</i>

926
00:40:05,539 --> 00:40:08,175
<i>♪ Snow on snow</i>

927
00:40:08,209 --> 00:40:14,615
<i>♪ Snow on snow</i>

928
00:40:14,649 --> 00:40:20,221
<i>♪ In the bleak midwinter</i>

929
00:40:20,254 --> 00:40:25,826
<i>♪ Long ago</i>

930
00:40:25,860 --> 00:40:32,533
<i>♪ Our God,
Heaven cannot hold Him</i>

931
00:40:32,566 --> 00:40:37,038
<i>♪ Nor Earth sustain</i>

932
00:40:38,506 --> 00:40:39,907
Okay. So...

933
00:40:39,941 --> 00:40:43,210
we have been having sex.

934
00:40:43,244 --> 00:40:44,979
- Yeah, we have.
- Which is...

935
00:40:45,012 --> 00:40:47,515
Yeah. I mean,
it's as big a surprise

936
00:40:47,548 --> 00:40:48,859
to us as it is to you,
to be honest.

937
00:40:48,883 --> 00:40:50,193
I mean,
we did not see that coming.

938
00:40:50,217 --> 00:40:51,118
- Not at all.
- Not in a million.

939
00:40:51,152 --> 00:40:52,162
No, I never thought
I'd go there again.

940
00:40:52,186 --> 00:40:55,656
Jesus, last man on Earth?
Give me celibacy now.

941
00:40:55,690 --> 00:40:57,024
- Yeah, but...
- We have...

942
00:40:57,058 --> 00:40:59,927
Yeah, we have been
having sex, and...

943
00:40:59,961 --> 00:41:03,898
- Yeah, it's been quite...
- Yeah, it has been...

944
00:41:03,931 --> 00:41:05,633
- What's it been?
- Uh...

945
00:41:06,267 --> 00:41:08,035
It's been good.

946
00:41:08,069 --> 00:41:09,103
Yeah, it has been good.

947
00:41:09,136 --> 00:41:11,138
Been really good, in fact,
if totally unexpected.

948
00:41:11,172 --> 00:41:14,809
Yeah, but it was always good,
like, historically speaking.

949
00:41:14,842 --> 00:41:17,511
- Historically, yeah.
- Not that we were ever all...

950
00:41:17,545 --> 00:41:21,682
No, no, no, not some, like,
super special fucking...

951
00:41:21,716 --> 00:41:24,251
No, we're not that kind of
super special showy,

952
00:41:24,285 --> 00:41:25,519
like, Olympic types...

953
00:41:25,553 --> 00:41:26,754
No, who's got time for that?

954
00:41:26,787 --> 00:41:28,789
No, but, I mean.
We had our quirks...

955
00:41:28,823 --> 00:41:30,267
Yes. Yes, I'm not saying
that we were...

956
00:41:30,291 --> 00:41:31,225
back in the day.

957
00:41:31,258 --> 00:41:34,161
Yes, there was fun,
there was "ooh la la."

958
00:41:34,195 --> 00:41:36,797
I mean, we were both of us
just fairly compatible.

959
00:41:36,831 --> 00:41:39,066
You know, I mean,
we're both very...

960
00:41:39,900 --> 00:41:41,102
we're very... I suppose

961
00:41:41,135 --> 00:41:42,703
- we're both very solid.
- Quick.

962
00:41:43,671 --> 00:41:45,606
- Yeah, quick. Yeah, yeah.
- Aye?

963
00:41:45,639 --> 00:41:47,775
Both parties
pretty quick at sex.

964
00:41:47,808 --> 00:41:50,244
- Not bad quick.
- No, I wasn't say... No.

965
00:41:50,277 --> 00:41:52,246
No, no, no, just, like,
we know where we're going,

966
00:41:52,279 --> 00:41:53,247
we don't hang about.

967
00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:55,983
Yeah, we're not into
the whole bump and grind.

968
00:41:57,084 --> 00:41:59,153
Aye, none of
that fucking tantric,

969
00:41:59,186 --> 00:42:01,022
Paul Weller, fucking...

970
00:42:01,055 --> 00:42:02,023
- Do you know what I mean?
- Yeah.

971
00:42:02,056 --> 00:42:04,825
But at the same time,
it's not all "wham bam."

972
00:42:04,859 --> 00:42:05,993
No. No, no, no.

973
00:42:06,027 --> 00:42:08,996
No. Premature, that's not the...

974
00:42:09,030 --> 00:42:10,931
- Is it?
- No. No, no, no.

975
00:42:10,965 --> 00:42:12,666
Both of us happen to be able

976
00:42:12,700 --> 00:42:13,844
to get where we're going with...

977
00:42:13,868 --> 00:42:15,736
- Time to spare.
- Alacrity. Yeah.

978
00:42:15,770 --> 00:42:18,639
Needless to say, right,
it's totally side-swiped

979
00:42:18,672 --> 00:42:20,250
the pair of us. I mean,
a bolt from the blue.

980
00:42:20,274 --> 00:42:22,710
Yeah. I mean,
we think we've figured out

981
00:42:22,743 --> 00:42:23,644
why it's happening,

982
00:42:23,677 --> 00:42:25,155
but it still doesn't
make sense, does it?

983
00:42:25,179 --> 00:42:26,580
- No.
- Not really. But,

984
00:42:26,614 --> 00:42:27,948
you know, we tell you,

985
00:42:27,982 --> 00:42:29,693
you're not gonna understand it
either, but here goes.

986
00:42:29,717 --> 00:42:30,961
All right, so,
it all started right back

987
00:42:30,985 --> 00:42:32,229
at the end
of the first lockdown.

988
00:42:32,253 --> 00:42:34,822
Well, it was
the night of Mum's funeral.

989
00:42:34,855 --> 00:42:37,358
It was a weird day,
to be fair, wasn't it?

990
00:42:37,391 --> 00:42:39,326
I mean, funerals, right,

991
00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:40,961
I've buried both my parents,

992
00:42:40,995 --> 00:42:43,197
and there's this whole
bunch of stuff

993
00:42:43,230 --> 00:42:44,408
that you have to organize,
you know.

994
00:42:44,432 --> 00:42:47,935
The strangers coming to your
door to pay their respects,

995
00:42:47,968 --> 00:42:51,072
flowers, hymns, catering,

996
00:42:51,105 --> 00:42:52,940
picking a coffin,
picking coffin ornaments.

997
00:42:52,973 --> 00:42:55,943
And, look, all this stuff,
it can seem really irritating,

998
00:42:55,976 --> 00:42:57,711
but it's actually
kind of amazing

999
00:42:57,745 --> 00:42:59,389
because what's it doing
is it's distracting you

1000
00:42:59,413 --> 00:43:00,581
from what you've lost.

1001
00:43:00,614 --> 00:43:04,285
And, oh, God, I remember at
my dad's funeral,

1002
00:43:04,318 --> 00:43:08,622
there was this big, six foot,
tobaccoey lead smelter, right.

1003
00:43:08,656 --> 00:43:10,891
And he comes up to me
and he goes...

1004
00:43:10,925 --> 00:43:14,061
He grabs my hand
in his big fists and he goes,

1005
00:43:14,095 --> 00:43:15,796
"He was the last of the great

1006
00:43:15,830 --> 00:43:18,299
"characters, that man," right.

1007
00:43:18,332 --> 00:43:21,368
"When he left, the fun
went out of that place."

1008
00:43:21,402 --> 00:43:23,370
"I loved that man."

1009
00:43:23,404 --> 00:43:25,172
And I guess

1010
00:43:25,206 --> 00:43:26,316
it's stuff like that, it just...

1011
00:43:26,340 --> 00:43:29,043
It teaches you things you
never knew about the person

1012
00:43:29,076 --> 00:43:31,178
you thought
you knew everything about,

1013
00:43:31,212 --> 00:43:32,313
and it distracts you.

1014
00:43:32,346 --> 00:43:35,149
Anyway, you don't get any
of that at a Covid funeral.

1015
00:43:35,182 --> 00:43:38,652
It's five people
at our Covid funeral. Five.

1016
00:43:38,686 --> 00:43:40,230
Don't organize catering
for five people.

1017
00:43:40,254 --> 00:43:42,356
You gotta choose
your coffin online,

1018
00:43:42,389 --> 00:43:45,025
so you're like,
"Oh, that one, those handles."

1019
00:43:45,059 --> 00:43:47,304
Yeah, no strangers coming to
your door at a Covid funeral.

1020
00:43:47,328 --> 00:43:49,272
Nobody sending flowers.
I mean, what you gonna do,

1021
00:43:49,296 --> 00:43:50,965
you gonna wash them
before they come in?

1022
00:43:50,998 --> 00:43:54,034
There's no singing at
a Covid funeral, no hymns...

1023
00:43:54,068 --> 00:43:55,870
No strangers grabbing you
by the fist,

1024
00:43:55,903 --> 00:43:57,147
looking you in the eye
and telling you

1025
00:43:57,171 --> 00:43:58,348
that your father's actually...

1026
00:43:58,372 --> 00:43:59,874
Hold on, hold on, listen...

1027
00:44:02,109 --> 00:44:03,244
- Can I say something?
- Aye.

1028
00:44:03,277 --> 00:44:05,779
Just... And you're not gonna
look at me all weird or...

1029
00:44:05,813 --> 00:44:06,847
I don't know.

1030
00:44:06,881 --> 00:44:09,183
I mean, I don't know
what you're gonna say, do I?

1031
00:44:16,123 --> 00:44:18,792
I loved that funeral.

1032
00:44:18,826 --> 00:44:21,428
And I know I shouldn't
say that because,

1033
00:44:21,462 --> 00:44:22,963
other people, you know,

1034
00:44:22,997 --> 00:44:24,899
Jesus, it's so painful
for them...

1035
00:44:25,900 --> 00:44:27,234
So agonizing not to be able

1036
00:44:27,268 --> 00:44:29,270
to have the funeral you need,
but, like...

1037
00:44:29,303 --> 00:44:31,272
I mean, for me...

1038
00:44:31,305 --> 00:44:32,940
Like, for me, it was...

1039
00:44:34,308 --> 00:44:36,477
just the best.

1040
00:44:36,511 --> 00:44:38,879
Like, there's no...
there's no...

1041
00:44:38,913 --> 00:44:41,115
there's no catering
to worry about,

1042
00:44:41,148 --> 00:44:43,217
there's no flowers,

1043
00:44:43,250 --> 00:44:45,819
you know, no one's knocking
at your door,

1044
00:44:45,853 --> 00:44:46,921
poking their nose in,

1045
00:44:46,954 --> 00:44:49,456
you're not obsessing about
what the coffin is saying

1046
00:44:49,490 --> 00:44:51,392
about your love
for the person you're burying,

1047
00:44:51,425 --> 00:44:53,093
there's no fucking hymns.

1048
00:44:53,794 --> 00:44:55,396
It's just you

1049
00:44:55,429 --> 00:44:57,464
and the person you're putting
in the ground. And...

1050
00:44:59,466 --> 00:45:01,735
You know, there's nothing
to distract you from the pain

1051
00:45:01,769 --> 00:45:04,405
of what you're losing
and I loved that.

1052
00:45:04,438 --> 00:45:06,407
I fucking loved that funeral.

1053
00:45:06,907 --> 00:45:07,908
I...

1054
00:45:11,378 --> 00:45:13,147
I fucking loved
that funeral, too.

1055
00:45:14,114 --> 00:45:15,449
- You did?
- I did.

1056
00:45:16,450 --> 00:45:19,053
Well, then why were you all...

1057
00:45:19,086 --> 00:45:21,488
Well, 'cause you were like...

1058
00:45:21,523 --> 00:45:22,890
Yeah, but...

1059
00:45:22,923 --> 00:45:24,358
I was loving it.

1060
00:45:24,391 --> 00:45:25,426
I mean, not loving it.

1061
00:45:25,459 --> 00:45:26,994
You know, my mum is dead, but...

1062
00:45:27,027 --> 00:45:28,067
Yeah. Obviously. I mean...

1063
00:45:28,095 --> 00:45:29,063
Let me tell you,

1064
00:45:29,096 --> 00:45:31,865
that big six foot,
chain-smoking lead smelter

1065
00:45:31,899 --> 00:45:34,077
that came up to me and told me
all that shite about my dad,

1066
00:45:34,101 --> 00:45:36,103
that ruined my year.

1067
00:45:36,136 --> 00:45:37,471
I mean, do not need to find out

1068
00:45:37,505 --> 00:45:39,940
that the guy that's been
an arsehole to me for decades

1069
00:45:39,974 --> 00:45:41,774
is actually Michael
bloody McIntyre, you know.

1070
00:45:43,410 --> 00:45:45,779
Well, I couldn't say anything
because...

1071
00:45:45,813 --> 00:45:46,847
Well, you know, it's...

1072
00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:48,148
- No, you can't, can you?
- No.

1073
00:45:48,182 --> 00:45:49,326
You're not supposed to be happy

1074
00:45:49,350 --> 00:45:51,051
about a Covid funeral, are you?

1075
00:45:51,085 --> 00:45:53,387
No. And I suppose
when we got home,

1076
00:45:53,420 --> 00:45:55,557
we just got caught up
talking about Artie, and...

1077
00:45:55,590 --> 00:45:57,858
Fuck, Artie was... He was...

1078
00:45:57,891 --> 00:45:58,727
Oh, he was upset.

1079
00:45:58,759 --> 00:46:00,461
Yeah, 'cause he wanted
to see the body.

1080
00:46:00,494 --> 00:46:01,929
Yeah, 'cause he loved his gran.

1081
00:46:01,962 --> 00:46:03,964
And he wanted to touch it.

1082
00:46:03,998 --> 00:46:07,968
So what? I wanted to touch it,
that's normal.

1083
00:46:08,002 --> 00:46:09,103
He wanted to taste it.

1084
00:46:09,136 --> 00:46:11,405
Not like... Don't say it like
he's a cannibal or...

1085
00:46:11,438 --> 00:46:12,940
He didn't wanna saute it.

1086
00:46:12,973 --> 00:46:14,975
He wanted to see
if a dead body...

1087
00:46:16,076 --> 00:46:17,420
- What?
- Tastes like a live body.

1088
00:46:17,444 --> 00:46:19,113
Which is normal, right?

1089
00:46:19,146 --> 00:46:20,247
Absolutely normal.

1090
00:46:20,281 --> 00:46:22,316
Fucking curious, curious child.

1091
00:46:22,349 --> 00:46:23,183
Anyway, we...

1092
00:46:23,217 --> 00:46:26,153
So we had the funeral,
we came home,

1093
00:46:26,186 --> 00:46:29,957
we talked about Arthur,
we made some tea,

1094
00:46:29,990 --> 00:46:32,126
we had a bit of cheese

1095
00:46:32,159 --> 00:46:34,361
and then the next thing
you know, we had a...

1096
00:46:35,296 --> 00:46:36,930
sexual contact.

1097
00:46:36,964 --> 00:46:38,932
Should we tell them what it was?

1098
00:46:38,966 --> 00:46:40,578
- No, we don't need to...
- No, no, no. All right.

1099
00:46:40,602 --> 00:46:45,039
Look, suffice it to say,
okay, one of us had an orgasm.

1100
00:46:45,072 --> 00:46:46,950
- We don't need to. Why?
- I just thought they needed...

1101
00:46:46,974 --> 00:46:48,084
Why do you need to say that?

1102
00:46:48,108 --> 00:46:49,319
I thought it's important
for them to know the details.

1103
00:46:49,343 --> 00:46:50,978
That was it, a one off.

1104
00:46:51,011 --> 00:46:54,481
You know, we put it down
to the day, to the situation.

1105
00:46:54,516 --> 00:46:55,482
We're not doing that again.

1106
00:46:55,517 --> 00:46:58,052
Oh, God, no. Done, bang, over.
What's on telly?

1107
00:46:58,085 --> 00:47:00,354
Yeah, and then
post-lockdown life settles in

1108
00:47:00,387 --> 00:47:02,524
and we just completely
forget about it.

1109
00:47:02,557 --> 00:47:03,792
Things start to change,

1110
00:47:03,824 --> 00:47:05,969
you know, you can see people,
you can go to restaurants...

1111
00:47:05,993 --> 00:47:07,638
They encouraged you to go
to restaurants, bizarrely.

1112
00:47:07,662 --> 00:47:10,197
Yeah. Through all of that,
we did not have sex.

1113
00:47:10,230 --> 00:47:11,432
- No. No.
- Even once.

1114
00:47:11,465 --> 00:47:13,434
And little Artie, right,
he's back at school.

1115
00:47:13,467 --> 00:47:14,512
Then he was out of school again

1116
00:47:14,536 --> 00:47:15,576
'cause some kid got Covid.

1117
00:47:15,603 --> 00:47:17,605
And then he was in,
then he was out,

1118
00:47:17,639 --> 00:47:18,707
and then he was in again,

1119
00:47:18,740 --> 00:47:20,317
it was like a bloody yo-yo,
to be honest with you.

1120
00:47:20,341 --> 00:47:22,076
But, point is,
that there was space

1121
00:47:22,109 --> 00:47:25,212
to ourselves to do it in,
had we so desired.

1122
00:47:25,245 --> 00:47:26,480
And we didn't at all, did we?

1123
00:47:26,514 --> 00:47:28,215
No. I mean, I was working,
I was busy.

1124
00:47:28,248 --> 00:47:30,652
Yeah, and summer comes,
then autumn.

1125
00:47:30,685 --> 00:47:33,087
And then it was like
people seemed to forget that

1126
00:47:33,120 --> 00:47:34,931
we were living in a country
that was being held together

1127
00:47:34,955 --> 00:47:36,357
by shoestring and Sellotape,

1128
00:47:36,390 --> 00:47:38,536
and people that don't have
the option to work from home,

1129
00:47:38,560 --> 00:47:40,961
people that have got
shit jobs and shit pay,

1130
00:47:40,994 --> 00:47:42,439
but have to look after
shits like us...

1131
00:47:42,463 --> 00:47:44,231
Ah. Careful, comrade!

1132
00:47:44,264 --> 00:47:45,199
Fuck off. The world

1133
00:47:45,232 --> 00:47:47,034
is still dog-eat-dog,
I'm not saying that.

1134
00:47:47,067 --> 00:47:48,311
Have an idea, for Christ's sake,

1135
00:47:48,335 --> 00:47:50,104
don't just eat
chicken fucking nuggets.

1136
00:47:50,137 --> 00:47:51,573
Oh, there he is.

1137
00:47:51,606 --> 00:47:54,208
The point is,
at no point during any of this

1138
00:47:54,241 --> 00:47:56,076
do we even consider having sex.

1139
00:47:56,110 --> 00:47:57,010
Not even just there,

1140
00:47:57,044 --> 00:47:59,346
when the lockdown
to save Christmas starts.

1141
00:47:59,380 --> 00:48:01,048
We're still not doing it,
are we?

1142
00:48:01,081 --> 00:48:02,593
No. God, no. I mean,
not in a million years.

1143
00:48:02,617 --> 00:48:03,551
No. And then, right,

1144
00:48:03,585 --> 00:48:06,420
they announce
a vaccine's been discovered.

1145
00:48:06,453 --> 00:48:10,658
And we just start fucking
ploughing like teenagers.

1146
00:48:10,692 --> 00:48:14,194
Honestly, no idea why. Like...

1147
00:48:14,228 --> 00:48:16,330
Did the announcement
trigger it? You know.

1148
00:48:16,363 --> 00:48:17,665
Is it a lockdown phenomenon?

1149
00:48:17,699 --> 00:48:19,400
Are other people
experiencing this?

1150
00:48:19,433 --> 00:48:22,336
Maybe because the vaccine's
gonna make things better?

1151
00:48:22,369 --> 00:48:24,171
- Yeah, for you, maybe.
- How do you mean?

1152
00:48:24,204 --> 00:48:26,206
Well,
I mean, they're not gonna be

1153
00:48:26,240 --> 00:48:28,510
vaccinating people in refugee
camps any time soon.

1154
00:48:28,543 --> 00:48:31,178
Here we go, let
the virtue signaling begin.

1155
00:48:31,211 --> 00:48:34,148
No, rich countries
will be snapping it up.

1156
00:48:34,181 --> 00:48:36,316
Hey, look, everybody,
a good person is here!

1157
00:48:36,350 --> 00:48:39,186
Fuck off! Life and death
shouldn't be about profit.

1158
00:48:39,219 --> 00:48:40,296
Everything is about profit.

1159
00:48:40,320 --> 00:48:42,389
And don't say "profit"
like it's a bad thing, okay.

1160
00:48:42,423 --> 00:48:44,568
How do you think they made
the vaccine? They used money.

1161
00:48:44,592 --> 00:48:45,560
Oh. Well, all I know

1162
00:48:45,593 --> 00:48:47,394
is that you are gonna
be getting the vaccine

1163
00:48:47,428 --> 00:48:49,597
long before any front-line
worker in Sierra Leone,

1164
00:48:49,631 --> 00:48:51,198
and what the fuck do you do?

1165
00:48:51,231 --> 00:48:53,042
I would run out there tomorrow
and get it if I could.

1166
00:48:53,066 --> 00:48:54,301
Yeah. No, I know you would.

1167
00:48:54,334 --> 00:48:56,514
You'd run out there with your
big fat fucking purse, like...

1168
00:48:56,538 --> 00:48:58,640
100%, I'd get it like a shot.

1169
00:48:58,673 --> 00:49:02,209
I'd get it twice, three times,
once for the weekend.

1170
00:49:02,242 --> 00:49:03,477
Why am I having sex with you?

1171
00:49:03,511 --> 00:49:06,380
I don't know, that's the point.

1172
00:49:06,413 --> 00:49:08,148
We did it in the kitchen
this morning.

1173
00:49:08,182 --> 00:49:10,484
Over the dishwasher.
I mean, that is unfathomable.

1174
00:49:10,518 --> 00:49:12,663
- Why would you go into...
- What are you talking about?

1175
00:49:12,687 --> 00:49:15,155
We're over-sharing.

1176
00:49:15,189 --> 00:49:18,025
Oh, shit. Er... We are.
I'm really sorry about that.

1177
00:49:18,058 --> 00:49:19,335
You don't need to go
into all the info.

1178
00:49:19,359 --> 00:49:21,295
No. Yeah, all the ins and outs.

1179
00:49:22,396 --> 00:49:23,765
- Oh, come on.
- Sorry.

1180
00:49:23,798 --> 00:49:25,432
How old are you?

1181
00:49:25,466 --> 00:49:27,468
- How old are you?
- Fucking...

1182
00:49:27,501 --> 00:49:30,370
It doesn't mean we're
all suddenly, you know...

1183
00:49:30,404 --> 00:49:33,040
- No! No.
- Suddenly all lovey...

1184
00:49:33,073 --> 00:49:35,209
- No! Absolutely not.
- Dovey and all that.

1185
00:49:35,242 --> 00:49:37,244
Fuck, no. No, no, no, no.

1186
00:49:37,277 --> 00:49:39,046
It's like, it's physical,
isn't it?

1187
00:49:39,079 --> 00:49:40,782
Physical.
Just purely contractual, eh?

1188
00:49:40,815 --> 00:49:44,218
- Yeah. Isn't it? Yeah.
- Aye. Yes! Yes!

1189
00:49:44,251 --> 00:49:46,186
It's not like
we're not suddenly in...

1190
00:49:46,220 --> 00:49:48,455
- Fuck, no! Jesus.
- Love or...

1191
00:49:48,489 --> 00:49:50,457
- like through the tulips...
- Don't.

1192
00:49:50,491 --> 00:49:52,192
Fucking holding hands,

1193
00:49:52,226 --> 00:49:54,228
braiding each other's bits,
and fucking...

1194
00:49:54,261 --> 00:49:55,763
Still makes me sick.

1195
00:49:55,797 --> 00:49:57,097
Yeah, and the sight of her

1196
00:49:57,130 --> 00:49:58,576
still makes me wanna
stab my own feet.

1197
00:49:58,600 --> 00:50:00,434
I mean, I definitely do not...

1198
00:50:00,835 --> 00:50:02,670
Do I?

1199
00:50:02,704 --> 00:50:06,406
I think maybe the...
the truth is, is that...

1200
00:50:06,440 --> 00:50:08,710
I'm still struggling
with my mum's death, you know,

1201
00:50:08,743 --> 00:50:11,078
and... and...
and maybe the vaccine,

1202
00:50:11,111 --> 00:50:12,814
like, triggered something,
you know.

1203
00:50:12,847 --> 00:50:15,182
I mean, just the thought

1204
00:50:15,215 --> 00:50:18,085
that if she'd had it,
you know, she'd...

1205
00:50:19,119 --> 00:50:21,054
And just the unfairness of that,

1206
00:50:21,088 --> 00:50:23,156
like the nonsense of it, and...

1207
00:50:23,190 --> 00:50:26,126
This physical thing that's
been happening between us,

1208
00:50:26,159 --> 00:50:27,562
I think maybe it's helped.

1209
00:50:27,595 --> 00:50:28,830
Yeah.

1210
00:50:28,863 --> 00:50:30,464
Yeah, for me, too.

1211
00:50:30,497 --> 00:50:32,700
- You too?
- Yeah. I think so.

1212
00:50:32,734 --> 00:50:35,335
I think the sex has helped.

1213
00:50:35,369 --> 00:50:37,337
Well, yeah, the sex, but...

1214
00:50:37,371 --> 00:50:40,140
You know, it's not just
the sex, it's the contact...

1215
00:50:40,173 --> 00:50:41,208
Yeah, no, it is.

1216
00:50:41,241 --> 00:50:44,746
It's the contact.
It's the contact.

1217
00:50:44,779 --> 00:50:46,422
And it's the sex as well,
if I'm being honest,

1218
00:50:46,446 --> 00:50:47,491
you know, for me, personally.

1219
00:50:47,515 --> 00:50:49,717
And it's not just the vaccine

1220
00:50:49,751 --> 00:50:51,385
that's been messing
with my head. I...

1221
00:50:52,554 --> 00:50:56,423
I find this
really hard to admit,

1222
00:50:56,456 --> 00:50:57,701
but I've got
complicated feelings

1223
00:50:57,725 --> 00:50:58,560
towards my sister now.

1224
00:50:58,593 --> 00:51:00,562
I think it's chilled me out
somewhat.

1225
00:51:00,595 --> 00:51:03,330
And she feels...
she feels terrible, you know,

1226
00:51:03,363 --> 00:51:06,534
just awful, terrible. And I...

1227
00:51:06,568 --> 00:51:08,502
I should be feeling
sympathetic towards her,

1228
00:51:08,536 --> 00:51:09,837
but I just feel really angry,

1229
00:51:09,871 --> 00:51:11,138
like I just have so much anger.

1230
00:51:11,171 --> 00:51:12,282
I think it's relaxed me a bit.

1231
00:51:12,306 --> 00:51:14,509
And I hate myself
for feeling like this.

1232
00:51:14,542 --> 00:51:17,477
- But if I'm really honest...
- Just emptying my bags.

1233
00:51:19,814 --> 00:51:22,115
- What?
- What?

1234
00:51:22,149 --> 00:51:24,451
- What did you just say?
- No, I was just...

1235
00:51:24,484 --> 00:51:25,820
- For God's sake!
- Joking.

1236
00:51:25,853 --> 00:51:27,487
- I was joking.
- "Emptying your bags"?

1237
00:51:27,522 --> 00:51:28,556
Don't joke!

1238
00:51:28,590 --> 00:51:29,833
- I'm really sorry.
- Jesus... I mean,

1239
00:51:29,857 --> 00:51:31,301
- what is wrong with you?
- I said I'm sorry.

1240
00:51:31,325 --> 00:51:32,225
- You always do this!
- Honest to God,

1241
00:51:32,259 --> 00:51:33,904
- I'm really sorry.
- No. Just when I begin

1242
00:51:33,928 --> 00:51:35,371
- to think, you always...
- I don't always do anything.

1243
00:51:35,395 --> 00:51:36,439
Just when I begin to think...

1244
00:51:36,463 --> 00:51:37,783
Just when you begin
to think what?

1245
00:51:42,904 --> 00:51:44,104
Just...

1246
00:51:44,706 --> 00:51:46,406
Don't walk away.

1247
00:51:46,440 --> 00:51:47,809
Don't walk away!

1248
00:51:54,414 --> 00:51:55,817
She's been hit by it.

1249
00:51:57,785 --> 00:51:59,721
I know she doesn't
look it, but...

1250
00:52:01,455 --> 00:52:03,190
inside, you know...

1251
00:52:08,261 --> 00:52:09,329
grief.

1252
00:53:02,684 --> 00:53:04,719
I can't escape the feeling

1253
00:53:04,752 --> 00:53:07,622
that my mother didn't die,
she was killed.

1254
00:53:08,823 --> 00:53:10,591
The problem is that
people don't understand

1255
00:53:10,625 --> 00:53:12,392
the word "exponential."

1256
00:53:12,426 --> 00:53:15,963
They think it means "a lot"
or "quite fastly."

1257
00:53:15,997 --> 00:53:21,301
You see it on TV, you know,
or in bad sci-fi movies.

1258
00:53:22,870 --> 00:53:25,472
"Good God, this alien mass
is growing exponentially,"

1259
00:53:25,506 --> 00:53:27,374
and you think,
"Oh, that's a lot."

1260
00:53:27,407 --> 00:53:28,408
But, erm,

1261
00:53:28,442 --> 00:53:31,746
it's worth taking the time
to understand the...

1262
00:53:31,779 --> 00:53:34,982
the mathematics
of exponential growth.

1263
00:53:36,050 --> 00:53:38,418
Right, so you, er...

1264
00:53:38,452 --> 00:53:40,822
So you start with one
and you double it,

1265
00:53:40,855 --> 00:53:41,723
say, every three days.

1266
00:53:41,756 --> 00:53:44,625
So you're doubling it
every three days.

1267
00:53:44,659 --> 00:53:48,529
So, by the end of a week,
you've got four.

1268
00:53:48,563 --> 00:53:51,833
One has become four in a week.

1269
00:53:53,034 --> 00:53:55,570
And by the end of the second
week, you have 16.

1270
00:53:55,603 --> 00:53:58,740
By the end of the third week,
you have 128.

1271
00:53:58,773 --> 00:54:02,275
And as the month draws
to a close, you have 512.

1272
00:54:03,010 --> 00:54:05,713
That's after just four weeks.

1273
00:54:05,747 --> 00:54:08,883
Okay. So, that's a lot more
than one, but, you know,

1274
00:54:09,851 --> 00:54:11,418
not so much.

1275
00:54:12,754 --> 00:54:14,421
But if you carry on,

1276
00:54:16,023 --> 00:54:19,894
the fifth week gives you 2,048.

1277
00:54:19,927 --> 00:54:22,764
The sixth gives you 8,192.

1278
00:54:23,631 --> 00:54:25,800
The seventh...

1279
00:54:25,833 --> 00:54:31,304
The seventh gives you 65,536.

1280
00:54:31,338 --> 00:54:35,810
The eighth gives you 262,144.

1281
00:54:35,843 --> 00:54:37,979
And if you go one week more,

1282
00:54:38,012 --> 00:54:40,915
pretty much near
as dammit to the...

1283
00:54:40,948 --> 00:54:43,718
to the... to the...
to the two calendar months

1284
00:54:43,751 --> 00:54:45,028
from when
this whole thing started,

1285
00:54:45,052 --> 00:54:50,925
you get 1,048,576.

1286
00:54:50,958 --> 00:54:52,870
So the difference between
the start of the first week

1287
00:54:52,894 --> 00:54:54,529
and the end
of the first week is four.

1288
00:54:56,097 --> 00:54:58,533
And the difference between
the start of the ninth week

1289
00:54:58,566 --> 00:55:00,768
and the end of the ninth week

1290
00:55:01,669 --> 00:55:05,405
is 786,432.

1291
00:55:05,438 --> 00:55:06,874
So, same amount of days,

1292
00:55:08,075 --> 00:55:09,744
hugely different numbers.

1293
00:55:14,949 --> 00:55:20,988
This isn't an illustration
of coronavirus, by the way.

1294
00:55:21,022 --> 00:55:23,356
This isn't what
actually happened.

1295
00:55:23,390 --> 00:55:25,358
You know, we didn't quite
go to nine weeks

1296
00:55:25,392 --> 00:55:27,538
before the first lockdown.
There wasn't just one person

1297
00:55:27,562 --> 00:55:28,495
who brought it into the country.

1298
00:55:28,529 --> 00:55:32,800
It's probably as many as
1,300 patient zeros.

1299
00:55:32,834 --> 00:55:35,870
And this doesn't
take into account,

1300
00:55:35,903 --> 00:55:38,806
you know, pre-lockdown efforts
to battle the virus,

1301
00:55:38,840 --> 00:55:41,108
track and trace,
people changing behavior.

1302
00:55:41,142 --> 00:55:42,844
What actually happened is,

1303
00:55:42,877 --> 00:55:45,847
it's far more complex
than what I've just done.

1304
00:55:45,880 --> 00:55:48,481
What I've just done is...

1305
00:55:48,516 --> 00:55:50,084
illustrate
the word "exponential."

1306
00:55:50,117 --> 00:55:53,721
And it doesn't mean
"quite fastly."

1307
00:55:54,454 --> 00:55:55,890
What it means is...

1308
00:55:57,457 --> 00:56:01,062
What it means
is that timing matters.

1309
00:56:03,831 --> 00:56:08,769
It's said that if we'd
locked down one week earlier,

1310
00:56:08,803 --> 00:56:13,808
just one week, that we could
have saved 20,000 lives.

1311
00:56:13,841 --> 00:56:16,010
So it seems to me
that the word "exponential"

1312
00:56:16,043 --> 00:56:16,911
was not understood.

1313
00:56:16,944 --> 00:56:19,446
But I've just
explained it to you in...

1314
00:56:19,479 --> 00:56:21,115
I've just explained it
to you in...

1315
00:56:21,949 --> 00:56:25,820
1 minute, 34 seconds. And...

1316
00:56:26,821 --> 00:56:28,756
you get it, right?

1317
00:56:29,657 --> 00:56:31,391
It's not that hard, is it?

1318
00:56:35,563 --> 00:56:38,032
In January, 2020,

1319
00:56:38,065 --> 00:56:40,668
the Care Provider Alliance

1320
00:56:40,701 --> 00:56:44,105
contacted the Department
of Health and Social Care

1321
00:56:44,138 --> 00:56:45,640
and said,

1322
00:56:45,673 --> 00:56:49,043
"What should we be doing
about this new coronavirus?"

1323
00:56:49,076 --> 00:56:50,811
And they were told,

1324
00:56:50,845 --> 00:56:53,480
"Nothing.
Don't do anything different."

1325
00:56:53,514 --> 00:56:54,982
And they contacted them
a week later

1326
00:56:55,016 --> 00:56:57,718
and they said,
"What should we be doing now?

1327
00:56:57,752 --> 00:56:59,620
"I mean, should we be,

1328
00:56:59,654 --> 00:57:01,522
"you know,
should we be self-isolating?

1329
00:57:01,555 --> 00:57:04,091
"Should we be restricting visits"

1330
00:57:04,125 --> 00:57:06,961
"from family and friends?"

1331
00:57:06,994 --> 00:57:07,962
"Should we..."

1332
00:57:07,995 --> 00:57:09,740
"Should we be, like...
Should we wear masks?"

1333
00:57:09,764 --> 00:57:12,499
And this time,
they weren't told,

1334
00:57:12,533 --> 00:57:14,769
"Nothing." This time,
they were told...

1335
00:57:16,837 --> 00:57:19,674
Well, this time,
they weren't told anything.

1336
00:57:19,707 --> 00:57:22,176
This time, they weren't told
anything at all.

1337
00:57:23,277 --> 00:57:27,181
And it wasn't
until a month later

1338
00:57:27,214 --> 00:57:30,651
that they were given guidance.

1339
00:57:30,685 --> 00:57:34,922
This is the end of February now

1340
00:57:34,956 --> 00:57:37,558
and the guidance was that they,

1341
00:57:37,591 --> 00:57:41,494
"You do not need to wear masks"

1342
00:57:41,529 --> 00:57:44,865
"and it remains very unlikely
that people receiving care"

1343
00:57:44,899 --> 00:57:47,568
"in care homes
will become infected."

1344
00:57:47,601 --> 00:57:49,537
And I'm gonna repeat that.

1345
00:57:49,570 --> 00:57:51,238
I'm gonna repeat the advice

1346
00:57:51,272 --> 00:57:53,541
from the Department
of Health and Social Care,

1347
00:57:53,574 --> 00:57:57,645
"It remains very unlikely
that people receiving care"

1348
00:57:57,678 --> 00:58:01,248
"in care homes
will become infected."

1349
00:58:01,282 --> 00:58:04,218
You can...
You can look that up. It's...

1350
00:58:04,251 --> 00:58:06,253
There will still
be links for it.

1351
00:58:07,221 --> 00:58:09,090
And this is one week

1352
00:58:09,123 --> 00:58:11,892
before our Prime Minister
is walking around

1353
00:58:11,926 --> 00:58:14,962
just boasting
about shaking hands

1354
00:58:14,996 --> 00:58:17,264
with coronavirus patients.

1355
00:58:17,298 --> 00:58:20,001
And then the Imperial College

1356
00:58:20,034 --> 00:58:23,170
points out
that if left unchecked,

1357
00:58:23,204 --> 00:58:27,174
the virus could kill
half a million people,

1358
00:58:27,208 --> 00:58:29,076
and the government are like,

1359
00:58:29,110 --> 00:58:30,911
"Oh... Oh, fuck, really?"

1360
00:58:32,079 --> 00:58:34,515
"Oh, shit. Fuck."

1361
00:58:35,983 --> 00:58:38,819
And then...
then the panic kicks in.

1362
00:58:38,853 --> 00:58:40,988
The NHS is gonna be overwhelmed,

1363
00:58:41,022 --> 00:58:42,990
we're gonna be like Italy...

1364
00:58:43,024 --> 00:58:45,559
"Oh, please, God,
don't let us be Italy."

1365
00:58:45,593 --> 00:58:50,898
And ministers order 15,000
hospital beds to be vacated,

1366
00:58:50,931 --> 00:58:53,034
and the guidance
given to hospitals

1367
00:58:53,067 --> 00:58:57,071
is that it shouldn't take
more than three hours.

1368
00:58:57,104 --> 00:59:00,107
So patients
are taken out of hospitals

1369
00:59:00,141 --> 00:59:02,643
and they're dumped
into care homes,

1370
00:59:02,676 --> 00:59:05,980
and they're not
being tested because...

1371
00:59:06,013 --> 00:59:07,815
And again, I'm gonna quote here,

1372
00:59:07,848 --> 00:59:11,052
"that Covid sufferers can be"

1373
00:59:11,085 --> 00:59:13,954
"safely cared for
in care homes."

1374
00:59:18,392 --> 00:59:20,194
So, while the...

1375
00:59:20,928 --> 00:59:23,764
While the NHS...

1376
00:59:23,798 --> 00:59:28,102
the burden on the NHS
was being so hotly debated

1377
00:59:28,135 --> 00:59:32,706
and... and while, you know,
the fact that there was no...

1378
00:59:32,740 --> 00:59:35,342
not enough PPE gear
to go around,

1379
00:59:35,376 --> 00:59:37,311
while all that
was being discussed,

1380
00:59:37,344 --> 00:59:39,980
the care homes
were given next to nothing.

1381
00:59:40,014 --> 00:59:41,649
I mean, they were given
dribs and drabs

1382
00:59:41,682 --> 00:59:43,217
while the prices shot up.

1383
00:59:43,250 --> 00:59:47,721
And some local authorities
threatened to withhold money

1384
00:59:47,755 --> 00:59:49,990
from care homes
if they didn't take in

1385
00:59:50,024 --> 00:59:53,928
confirmed coronavirus patients.

1386
00:59:56,063 --> 00:59:59,066
So they were
sent in to these places

1387
00:59:59,100 --> 01:00:02,069
like biological warfare.

1388
01:00:02,103 --> 01:00:07,074
They were like... like
blankets laced in smallpox.

1389
01:00:12,413 --> 01:00:17,651
In the first lockdown, it's
said that 40% of the people

1390
01:00:17,685 --> 01:00:22,223
who died from coronavirus
were from care homes. 40%.

1391
01:00:23,924 --> 01:00:26,427
So you see,
I can't escape the feeling

1392
01:00:26,460 --> 01:00:27,995
that my mother was killed.

1393
01:00:28,028 --> 01:00:32,266
And not by a car,
or a gun, or a knife,

1394
01:00:32,299 --> 01:00:35,236
or a cricket bat,
or even by the virus.

1395
01:00:35,269 --> 01:00:39,173
She was...
She was killed by stupidity.

1396
01:00:39,206 --> 01:00:43,244
She was killed by dumbfuckery.
She was killed by...

1397
01:00:43,277 --> 01:00:45,846
by someone looking
at something coming at them

1398
01:00:45,880 --> 01:00:47,781
at the speed of a freight train

1399
01:00:47,815 --> 01:00:49,326
and just being like,
"Oh, let's just..."

1400
01:00:49,350 --> 01:00:51,952
"let's just carry on,
shall we? Let's just..."

1401
01:00:55,022 --> 01:00:55,990
"You know, it's a bit..."

1402
01:00:56,023 --> 01:01:00,361
"It's a bit fucking
Dunkirk spirit, you know,"

1403
01:01:00,394 --> 01:01:04,331
"a bit stiff upper lip.
Let's just carry on, old man."

1404
01:01:04,365 --> 01:01:05,966
And my mother...

1405
01:01:06,934 --> 01:01:08,435
My mum...

1406
01:01:11,005 --> 01:01:12,339
I think, erm...

1407
01:01:13,174 --> 01:01:14,742
I think that's it.

1408
01:01:16,410 --> 01:01:17,444
Do you... Do you...

1409
01:01:17,478 --> 01:01:20,748
Isn't it?
Have you got that off...

1410
01:01:20,781 --> 01:01:22,283
Do you remember the... the...

1411
01:01:22,316 --> 01:01:24,018
when we were
supposed to lockdown?

1412
01:01:24,051 --> 01:01:27,721
We were supposed to lockdown
and... and then we didn't.

1413
01:01:27,755 --> 01:01:29,490
And they came out and they said,

1414
01:01:29,524 --> 01:01:32,927
you know,
"Don't go to clubs or bars,"

1415
01:01:32,960 --> 01:01:35,829
"or... or restaurants, you know,"

1416
01:01:35,863 --> 01:01:40,000
"unless you just bloody well
want to or something."

1417
01:01:40,034 --> 01:01:43,237
That was when, like,
Spain and France

1418
01:01:43,270 --> 01:01:47,208
and Lithuania and Malaysia,
they were all locking down.

1419
01:01:48,242 --> 01:01:49,243
Yeah.

1420
01:01:51,345 --> 01:01:52,346
Is that...

1421
01:01:54,014 --> 01:01:55,216
Is that it?

1422
01:01:58,953 --> 01:02:00,821
"Is that it"?

1423
01:02:00,854 --> 01:02:03,057
I don't mean,
"Is that all you can muster?"

1424
01:02:03,090 --> 01:02:04,458
I mean it genuinely.

1425
01:02:04,491 --> 01:02:07,428
If you've got more,
you've got the right to say.

1426
01:02:07,461 --> 01:02:09,163
Oh, yeah. Sorry, no.

1427
01:02:10,397 --> 01:02:12,132
No, that... Yeah, that's it.

1428
01:02:14,201 --> 01:02:15,803
Are you all right?

1429
01:02:17,338 --> 01:02:19,240
No, I don't think so, really.

1430
01:02:22,577 --> 01:02:23,777
Well...

1431
01:02:29,116 --> 01:02:32,052
I... I just feel like
something's changing in me,

1432
01:02:32,086 --> 01:02:34,086
you know, I just feel like
I'm going into a dark...

1433
01:02:35,022 --> 01:02:36,757
Just a bit of a dark place.

1434
01:02:40,494 --> 01:02:43,364
Oh, right. Fuck. Erm...

1435
01:02:43,397 --> 01:02:45,766
Why don't we think
of something positive?

1436
01:02:47,401 --> 01:02:49,470
- Positive?
- Yeah, like, why don't we

1437
01:02:49,503 --> 01:02:51,438
try and leave the room
on a positive thing?

1438
01:02:53,907 --> 01:02:56,511
- What positive thing?
- I don't know. Erm...

1439
01:02:56,544 --> 01:02:59,480
- Arthur. What about Arthur?
- Okay. What about Arthur?

1440
01:03:01,516 --> 01:03:02,483
Actually, he said

1441
01:03:02,517 --> 01:03:04,885
this really interesting thing
the other day.

1442
01:03:04,918 --> 01:03:06,887
He's really clever,
he really is.

1443
01:03:06,920 --> 01:03:10,057
It's this whole evolutionary
theory. Humans as prey.

1444
01:03:10,090 --> 01:03:12,293
Which I know sounds
a bit whatever,

1445
01:03:12,326 --> 01:03:14,596
but bear with me, okay?

1446
01:03:14,629 --> 01:03:18,032
It's this whole evolutionary
theory that states that,

1447
01:03:18,065 --> 01:03:20,267
far from this picture
we've got of early hominids

1448
01:03:20,301 --> 01:03:21,969
being, like, the great hunter,

1449
01:03:22,002 --> 01:03:23,346
it's actually fact
that we were prey

1450
01:03:23,370 --> 01:03:25,507
that helped propel
our development.

1451
01:03:25,540 --> 01:03:28,142
And Arthur was saying
that it still happens today.

1452
01:03:28,175 --> 01:03:30,978
He was saying that 50 people
a year in Tanzania

1453
01:03:31,011 --> 01:03:32,246
get eaten by lions.

1454
01:03:32,279 --> 01:03:36,016
And that, in this one village,
there's, like,

1455
01:03:36,050 --> 01:03:39,086
a leopard that stands up out
of the tall grass, like that,

1456
01:03:39,119 --> 01:03:42,089
and then when the villagers
come to chase it away,

1457
01:03:42,122 --> 01:03:43,324
it'll circle round the back

1458
01:03:43,357 --> 01:03:44,467
and it'll eat
a couple of the babies

1459
01:03:44,491 --> 01:03:46,093
that have been left behind.

1460
01:03:47,629 --> 01:03:48,797
That's really grim.

1461
01:03:48,829 --> 01:03:51,865
I was thinking that as I was
saying it. It's a bit grim.

1462
01:03:51,899 --> 01:03:54,201
- Maybe something else, then.
- Yeah.

1463
01:03:54,234 --> 01:03:55,546
- Can you think of anything?
- Me?

1464
01:03:55,570 --> 01:03:57,572
- Aye.
- Oh. Uh...

1465
01:03:59,206 --> 01:04:01,643
Oh, Brexit, that happened, so...

1466
01:04:01,676 --> 01:04:04,345
Let's just...
to the side of that, shall we?

1467
01:04:04,378 --> 01:04:05,879
Oh, I just...

1468
01:04:09,116 --> 01:04:10,050
Erm...

1469
01:04:10,084 --> 01:04:13,354
- Your company. Yeah.
- My company collapsed.

1470
01:04:13,387 --> 01:04:15,222
Well, I mean,
you were happy about it.

1471
01:04:15,255 --> 01:04:18,560
Don't say that in front of...
I had to fire people.

1472
01:04:18,593 --> 01:04:20,461
Oh, no, I don't mean...
I didn't mean...

1473
01:04:20,494 --> 01:04:22,429
I'm not happy about it.
I've had to fire people,

1474
01:04:22,463 --> 01:04:24,575
and I've lost my job, and
I've got no money coming in.

1475
01:04:24,599 --> 01:04:26,500
- I'm not happy about it.
- Yeah.

1476
01:04:26,534 --> 01:04:28,402
I'm being sanguine.
I'm sanguine about it.

1477
01:04:28,435 --> 01:04:30,304
Yeah, I meant...
I meant sanguine.

1478
01:04:31,105 --> 01:04:32,507
I meant sanguine.

1479
01:04:35,142 --> 01:04:36,186
Maybe this is a bollocks idea...

1480
01:04:36,210 --> 01:04:37,354
No, it's not a bollocks idea!

1481
01:04:37,378 --> 01:04:38,646
- It might be.
- No, it's good.

1482
01:04:38,680 --> 01:04:39,913
I like it.

1483
01:04:39,947 --> 01:04:41,915
- You do?
- Yeah. Erm...

1484
01:04:42,249 --> 01:04:43,384
Yeah.

1485
01:04:45,252 --> 01:04:46,253
Uh...

1486
01:04:46,987 --> 01:04:49,156
Oh, Maryama.

1487
01:04:49,189 --> 01:04:53,661
Maryama, Mum's carer,
she's still hanging in there.

1488
01:04:53,695 --> 01:04:55,563
- How is that positive?
- Well, she hasn't...

1489
01:04:55,597 --> 01:04:56,807
The coronavirus
hasn't killed her yet.

1490
01:04:56,831 --> 01:05:00,000
Don't think we even told them
that she'd got coronavirus.

1491
01:05:00,033 --> 01:05:03,270
Oh, shit! Oh, yeah,
she got it really bad.

1492
01:05:03,303 --> 01:05:04,405
Really bad, actually.

1493
01:05:04,438 --> 01:05:06,541
And yet,
she hasn't died of it yet,

1494
01:05:06,574 --> 01:05:08,576
so that's the positive.
What the fuck!

1495
01:05:08,610 --> 01:05:09,577
I'm trying to...

1496
01:05:09,611 --> 01:05:11,451
We're gonna need
to try a lot harder than that.

1497
01:05:11,478 --> 01:05:12,723
It's your idea.
Why don't you think of...

1498
01:05:12,747 --> 01:05:14,516
Why don't we get married, then?

1499
01:05:16,450 --> 01:05:18,553
- What?
- You know, let's fucking...

1500
01:05:20,588 --> 01:05:22,055
fucking...

1501
01:05:23,190 --> 01:05:24,458
Let's fucking...

1502
01:05:25,660 --> 01:05:27,060
get married, then.

1503
01:05:31,533 --> 01:05:33,133
Are you proposing to me?

1504
01:05:33,635 --> 01:05:34,636
Yep.

1505
01:05:36,036 --> 01:05:38,305
- Yeah, actually I am.
- Right.

1506
01:05:40,274 --> 01:05:42,009
And your proposal is,

1507
01:05:42,042 --> 01:05:44,178
"Let's fucking get... fucking...

1508
01:05:44,211 --> 01:05:45,580
"Let's fucking get married,
then"?

1509
01:05:45,613 --> 01:05:48,315
It's not Keats,
I'll give you that.

1510
01:05:48,348 --> 01:05:50,618
Are you asking me that
to say something positive?

1511
01:05:50,652 --> 01:05:52,186
- Is that...
- No.

1512
01:05:54,288 --> 01:05:55,989
No.

1513
01:05:56,023 --> 01:05:57,424
- Oh...
- No.

1514
01:05:58,158 --> 01:06:00,394
Absolutely not. No.

1515
01:06:02,463 --> 01:06:04,498
Maybe a wee bit.
I don't really know.

1516
01:06:04,532 --> 01:06:05,432
Look, here's the thing,

1517
01:06:05,466 --> 01:06:07,735
we've been through
all this stuff, right.

1518
01:06:07,769 --> 01:06:09,671
And we are, you and I,

1519
01:06:10,705 --> 01:06:12,105
still here.

1520
01:06:15,743 --> 01:06:17,444
Wow.

1521
01:06:17,478 --> 01:06:18,613
That is... I mean,

1522
01:06:18,646 --> 01:06:21,348
that's the most romantic thing
anyone's ever said to me.

1523
01:06:21,381 --> 01:06:23,183
Did you hear that in a song
or something?

1524
01:06:23,217 --> 01:06:25,653
Look, I've been thinking
about it a lot. A lot.

1525
01:06:25,687 --> 01:06:27,454
And I think that...

1526
01:06:27,488 --> 01:06:30,324
I don't know how, right,
but somehow,

1527
01:06:30,357 --> 01:06:32,359
- I probably love you.
- You probably love me?

1528
01:06:32,392 --> 01:06:36,430
I love you. I fucking love you.

1529
01:06:36,463 --> 01:06:39,233
And I know that doesn't
make much sense 'cause...

1530
01:06:39,266 --> 01:06:40,426
I kind of hate you as well...

1531
01:06:41,435 --> 01:06:43,036
or I've spent
a lot of time hating you,

1532
01:06:43,070 --> 01:06:44,772
but I don't think I do anymore.

1533
01:06:46,373 --> 01:06:48,218
I think there's this chance
that we've somehow ended up

1534
01:06:48,242 --> 01:06:52,145
in this place that is the love
that exists beyond hate.

1535
01:06:53,781 --> 01:06:55,617
And the love
that exists beyond hate,

1536
01:06:55,650 --> 01:06:58,051
not a lot of people
get to go there.

1537
01:06:58,085 --> 01:07:00,420
It's a fucking peculiar place.

1538
01:07:02,757 --> 01:07:03,791
It's unique.

1539
01:07:06,260 --> 01:07:07,461
It's utterly rarefied

1540
01:07:08,696 --> 01:07:10,497
and it's extremely beautiful.

1541
01:07:11,866 --> 01:07:14,268
So, yeah,
I think we should probably...

1542
01:07:15,402 --> 01:07:17,204
fucking marry.

1543
01:07:24,344 --> 01:07:26,313
I'm just thinking that...

1544
01:07:26,346 --> 01:07:28,148
Well, I'm just thinking
about my mental state

1545
01:07:28,181 --> 01:07:29,216
right now, you know,

1546
01:07:29,249 --> 01:07:30,494
because I've got a lot of anger,

1547
01:07:30,518 --> 01:07:32,119
just a lot of hate and...

1548
01:07:32,152 --> 01:07:33,555
No, because it's a timing...

1549
01:07:33,588 --> 01:07:35,557
No, absolutely,
I totally understand.

1550
01:07:35,590 --> 01:07:38,258
- But if we were to...
- Don't worry about it.

1551
01:07:38,292 --> 01:07:40,227
If we were to forget that...

1552
01:07:40,795 --> 01:07:42,496
If we were to do it...

1553
01:07:45,332 --> 01:07:46,868
we would have to do it

1554
01:07:46,901 --> 01:07:49,303
under the banners
of the auspices of...

1555
01:07:49,336 --> 01:07:51,271
of rigorous honesty.

1556
01:07:52,372 --> 01:07:53,741
Absolutely.

1557
01:07:53,775 --> 01:07:55,175
What does that mean?

1558
01:07:56,811 --> 01:07:58,111
Okay.

1559
01:07:59,212 --> 01:08:00,582
Right.

1560
01:08:03,150 --> 01:08:04,351
It was me.

1561
01:08:07,154 --> 01:08:08,288
The mushrooms.

1562
01:08:11,793 --> 01:08:14,461
I picked those mushrooms
and I think...

1563
01:08:14,494 --> 01:08:16,396
I think I know
I picked them. And...

1564
01:08:17,899 --> 01:08:20,768
I knew what I was doing,
and I did it to hurt you.

1565
01:08:23,203 --> 01:08:25,640
And then I stayed with you
because you were poisoned.

1566
01:08:27,174 --> 01:08:28,610
And then
Arthur came along, and...

1567
01:08:29,677 --> 01:08:32,412
You know,
then we were just stuck...

1568
01:08:33,815 --> 01:08:35,215
together.

1569
01:08:46,828 --> 01:08:48,295
I know.

1570
01:08:50,497 --> 01:08:51,498
What?

1571
01:08:54,769 --> 01:08:55,870
I know.

1572
01:08:58,673 --> 01:09:00,273
You know I picked the mushrooms?

1573
01:09:00,307 --> 01:09:01,676
No.

1574
01:09:01,709 --> 01:09:04,344
I know you think
you picked the mushrooms,

1575
01:09:04,378 --> 01:09:06,714
but you didn't pick
the mushrooms

1576
01:09:06,748 --> 01:09:08,716
because I picked the mushrooms.

1577
01:09:15,255 --> 01:09:18,458
You were being such a dick,

1578
01:09:18,492 --> 01:09:21,294
and I saw the mushrooms
and I thought,

1579
01:09:21,328 --> 01:09:23,898
"Oh, I wonder
what that would be like"

1580
01:09:23,931 --> 01:09:25,700
"to stick that in her fricassee"

1581
01:09:25,733 --> 01:09:28,335
"and watch her fucking..."

1582
01:09:28,368 --> 01:09:30,170
You know the rest,
you've said it before.

1583
01:09:30,838 --> 01:09:32,540
But you ate them.

1584
01:09:33,808 --> 01:09:35,877
Yeah, I forgot
that I picked them.

1585
01:09:37,779 --> 01:09:39,212
Okay.

1586
01:09:40,782 --> 01:09:43,450
- You were gonna poison me?
- Yeah.

1587
01:09:44,886 --> 01:09:46,386
You were gonna poison me.

1588
01:09:46,420 --> 01:09:48,956
No, I was just fantasizing
about poisoning you.

1589
01:09:48,990 --> 01:09:49,857
What's the difference?

1590
01:09:49,891 --> 01:09:52,492
The difference
is the fucking poisoning!

1591
01:09:52,527 --> 01:09:54,562
It was me that got poisoned.

1592
01:09:54,595 --> 01:09:56,564
And let's stop calling it
poisoning, okay?

1593
01:09:56,597 --> 01:09:57,675
I mean, it doesn't kill you,

1594
01:09:57,699 --> 01:10:01,268
it just hurts you badly, a bit.

1595
01:10:01,301 --> 01:10:04,839
So you wanted to hurt me?
You wanted to hurt me badly?

1596
01:10:06,473 --> 01:10:07,642
Yeah.

1597
01:10:10,545 --> 01:10:11,546
Why?

1598
01:10:14,414 --> 01:10:15,883
Why do you think?

1599
01:10:18,986 --> 01:10:22,322
You walk around, giving it,
"I'm such a good person."

1600
01:10:23,958 --> 01:10:24,926
"Look what a good person I am,"

1601
01:10:24,959 --> 01:10:26,861
"look what I do
for my fellow human being."

1602
01:10:26,894 --> 01:10:31,632
But you are horrible to me
every day.

1603
01:10:33,333 --> 01:10:35,670
You are exactly the same to me.

1604
01:10:35,703 --> 01:10:38,438
But I never despise you.

1605
01:10:38,472 --> 01:10:41,909
I fucking hate you sometimes,
but I never despise you.

1606
01:10:42,610 --> 01:10:44,377
That's not fair.

1607
01:10:44,411 --> 01:10:46,013
What's fair?

1608
01:10:46,047 --> 01:10:48,516
You said "honesty,"
you said that.

1609
01:10:49,717 --> 01:10:52,954
You look down your nose at me,
you always have.

1610
01:10:54,021 --> 01:10:56,456
You are not a good person.

1611
01:10:56,490 --> 01:11:00,494
You just need to read
as a good person.

1612
01:11:00,528 --> 01:11:01,863
See, the reason that you thought

1613
01:11:01,896 --> 01:11:04,364
that you had poisoned me
for all those years

1614
01:11:04,397 --> 01:11:06,534
is because
you are actually capable

1615
01:11:06,567 --> 01:11:09,503
of doing that to me and more.

1616
01:11:09,537 --> 01:11:12,339
At least I know when I'm being
a piece of shit, but you,

1617
01:11:12,372 --> 01:11:14,041
you're just
a fucking shitty person

1618
01:11:14,075 --> 01:11:15,877
that can't smell
their own fucking stink!

1619
01:11:21,582 --> 01:11:23,985
Look, right...

1620
01:11:25,620 --> 01:11:26,830
I think I went a bit far there,

1621
01:11:26,854 --> 01:11:29,791
but the thing
to hold on to is that...

1622
01:11:29,824 --> 01:11:32,425
that was actually
a proposal of marriage.

1623
01:11:32,459 --> 01:11:33,861
Right?

1624
01:12:30,518 --> 01:12:31,986
Do you remember Nathan?

1625
01:12:33,120 --> 01:12:35,857
New Forest fudge weirdo Nathan?

1626
01:12:37,424 --> 01:12:40,828
Well, Nathan is really good
at getting other people

1627
01:12:40,862 --> 01:12:43,731
to do things for him,
hence the fudge.

1628
01:12:43,764 --> 01:12:45,867
And what he's doing now

1629
01:12:45,900 --> 01:12:48,603
is he's getting
people vaccinated, right,

1630
01:12:48,636 --> 01:12:49,837
when it's not yet their turn.

1631
01:12:51,038 --> 01:12:53,574
What he'll do
is he'll take you down there,

1632
01:12:53,608 --> 01:12:54,876
just before close,

1633
01:12:54,909 --> 01:12:56,110
and he'll ask that

1634
01:12:56,143 --> 01:12:57,945
when they've got
a couple of vaccines left,

1635
01:12:57,979 --> 01:12:59,580
instead of throwing them
in the bin,

1636
01:12:59,614 --> 01:13:01,616
would they give them
to you instead, please.

1637
01:13:01,649 --> 01:13:04,819
He's invariably told "no"
in very strong terms.

1638
01:13:04,852 --> 01:13:05,953
And, by the way,

1639
01:13:05,987 --> 01:13:08,421
he is not the only guy
down there doing this, right,

1640
01:13:08,455 --> 01:13:10,067
there's a whole bunch
of those guys down there

1641
01:13:10,091 --> 01:13:12,660
usually trying to get
vaccinated before their go.

1642
01:13:12,693 --> 01:13:15,930
But, Nathan, right,
Nathan's got a secret weapon.

1643
01:13:15,963 --> 01:13:20,167
See, he knows that
like a minute before close

1644
01:13:20,201 --> 01:13:22,703
and they've got
a couple of vaccines left...

1645
01:13:22,737 --> 01:13:24,171
I mean,
what healthcare professional

1646
01:13:24,205 --> 01:13:25,373
wants to bin those.

1647
01:13:25,405 --> 01:13:28,509
They're gonna come out and
they're gonna give them away,

1648
01:13:28,542 --> 01:13:30,511
but when they see,
like, I don't know,

1649
01:13:30,544 --> 01:13:33,881
10 of you sitting there
waiting for two vaccines,

1650
01:13:33,915 --> 01:13:35,225
they're probably
gonna ask something

1651
01:13:35,249 --> 01:13:36,684
along the lines of,

1652
01:13:36,717 --> 01:13:39,820
"Do any of you work
with the vulnerable?"

1653
01:13:39,854 --> 01:13:41,188
A second will go by

1654
01:13:41,222 --> 01:13:42,455
and nobody will say anything

1655
01:13:42,489 --> 01:13:43,533
because none of these arseholes

1656
01:13:43,557 --> 01:13:44,692
actually do, do they?

1657
01:13:44,725 --> 01:13:47,161
I mean, the real carers
are all getting it elsewhere.

1658
01:13:47,194 --> 01:13:51,532
And another second goes by,
and 10 minds start to race.

1659
01:13:51,565 --> 01:13:53,668
Then a third second goes by,

1660
01:13:53,701 --> 01:13:55,603
and the smarter and, admittedly,

1661
01:13:55,636 --> 01:13:56,847
more venally shitty
amongst the group

1662
01:13:56,871 --> 01:13:59,774
start to realize that they're
only one dastardly lie away

1663
01:13:59,807 --> 01:14:00,875
from getting vaccinated.

1664
01:14:00,908 --> 01:14:03,244
See, by the time the fourth
second comes and goes,

1665
01:14:03,277 --> 01:14:05,188
there's all these hands
jumping up in the air going,

1666
01:14:05,212 --> 01:14:07,181
"I'm shite-icus,"
"No, I'm shite-icus."

1667
01:14:07,214 --> 01:14:08,115
"No, I'm shite-icus."

1668
01:14:08,149 --> 01:14:11,052
Anyway, that's what
Nathan does, right.

1669
01:14:11,085 --> 01:14:12,620
He tells you this.

1670
01:14:12,653 --> 01:14:14,255
He says, "Second they ask
that question",

1671
01:14:14,288 --> 01:14:15,856
"you shoot your hand in the air,"

1672
01:14:15,890 --> 01:14:17,490
"you tell your dastardly lie,"

1673
01:14:17,525 --> 01:14:18,565
"you walk in the building"

1674
01:14:18,592 --> 01:14:20,493
"and you get what you came for."

1675
01:14:20,528 --> 01:14:22,462
It is not illegal,

1676
01:14:23,664 --> 01:14:26,901
but it's murky as fuck. And...

1677
01:14:26,934 --> 01:14:29,003
See, when I find out that she...

1678
01:14:30,604 --> 01:14:32,807
is talking to Nathan...

1679
01:14:36,577 --> 01:14:38,746
Things between us have been

1680
01:14:38,779 --> 01:14:41,649
not good since
the mushroom admission.

1681
01:14:43,184 --> 01:14:45,686
Fuck me,
this whole month she's...

1682
01:14:45,720 --> 01:14:48,589
So her job, right, her job...

1683
01:14:48,622 --> 01:14:50,691
She's always giving it
the extra hours.

1684
01:14:50,725 --> 01:14:51,868
And I'm always saying to her,

1685
01:14:51,892 --> 01:14:55,529
"Oh, you need to get paid
for that, it's not a charity."

1686
01:14:55,563 --> 01:14:57,565
Which is funny,
because it is a charity.

1687
01:14:57,598 --> 01:15:00,234
And she's usually
in there till like

1688
01:15:00,267 --> 01:15:03,070
seven, eight, nine o'clock
at night, whenever.

1689
01:15:03,104 --> 01:15:05,706
But see now, five o'clock comes,

1690
01:15:05,740 --> 01:15:07,041
boom, she'll end the Zoom.

1691
01:15:07,074 --> 01:15:09,543
It could be middle of a meeting,

1692
01:15:09,577 --> 01:15:10,644
boom, ends the Zoom.

1693
01:15:10,678 --> 01:15:14,582
Middle of a sentence, boom,
ends the Zoom, right.

1694
01:15:14,615 --> 01:15:16,650
She won't return
her sister's calls.

1695
01:15:16,684 --> 01:15:18,285
See, when I asked her why,
she goes,

1696
01:15:18,319 --> 01:15:20,254
"I have got no intention
of wasting"

1697
01:15:20,287 --> 01:15:22,223
"any more of my life
on other people."

1698
01:15:23,290 --> 01:15:25,259
She won't even fight with me.

1699
01:15:25,292 --> 01:15:27,561
She just fucking walks
out the room.

1700
01:15:27,595 --> 01:15:30,031
I mean, the only person

1701
01:15:30,064 --> 01:15:31,832
she's got any time for
is little Artie.

1702
01:15:31,866 --> 01:15:33,334
And even then,

1703
01:15:33,367 --> 01:15:35,970
I sometimes catch her
looking at him

1704
01:15:36,003 --> 01:15:38,243
when she's playing with him,
and I know she's thinking...

1705
01:15:39,240 --> 01:15:41,208
"All those years..." you know.

1706
01:15:44,078 --> 01:15:45,813
You going up the stairs, pal?

1707
01:15:48,716 --> 01:15:51,318
Doing funny things to me,
all this, you know.

1708
01:15:51,352 --> 01:15:54,155
That and the collapse
of my company.

1709
01:15:54,188 --> 01:15:56,924
I used to think, you know,
you lose your job,

1710
01:15:58,059 --> 01:15:59,794
you bounce back.

1711
01:15:59,827 --> 01:16:02,930
You fall down, you get back
up again, you know.

1712
01:16:02,963 --> 01:16:09,170
But I can't seem to get up,
you know what I mean?

1713
01:16:11,872 --> 01:16:14,041
I'm biting my fingernails.

1714
01:16:15,142 --> 01:16:17,211
I can't stop
ordering fruit online.

1715
01:16:18,646 --> 01:16:20,848
I cried in the bath yesterday.

1716
01:16:22,183 --> 01:16:23,784
The bath.

1717
01:16:23,818 --> 01:16:26,854
I mean, I never cry,
but the bath?

1718
01:16:26,887 --> 01:16:29,657
It's fucking pathetic. So...

1719
01:16:29,690 --> 01:16:31,959
it's safe to say, that I am...

1720
01:16:33,294 --> 01:16:36,030
bit of a mess over here
right now, you know.

1721
01:16:37,865 --> 01:16:41,135
She's off getting the old,
you know what, with Nathan

1722
01:16:41,168 --> 01:16:42,937
and I thought,

1723
01:16:42,970 --> 01:16:44,972
"I'll take my mind off it,
I'll keep myself busy."

1724
01:16:45,005 --> 01:16:48,042
So I'm doing the katsu curry
aubergine tonight.

1725
01:16:48,075 --> 01:16:49,643
I got all the ingredients.

1726
01:16:49,677 --> 01:16:52,880
Got them down the same
Tesco local as before.

1727
01:16:52,913 --> 01:16:54,648
You know, I don't think
I've been in there

1728
01:16:54,682 --> 01:16:56,984
since before the first lockdown.

1729
01:16:57,017 --> 01:16:59,153
It's so different
in there now, though.

1730
01:16:59,186 --> 01:17:02,823
You know, all the
hand sanitizer, face masks.

1731
01:17:02,857 --> 01:17:05,059
The last time I was in there,
it was picked clean.

1732
01:17:05,092 --> 01:17:08,028
It was like a 7-Eleven
in a disaster movie.

1733
01:17:08,062 --> 01:17:11,365
But now, it's just brimming
with produce and...

1734
01:17:11,398 --> 01:17:14,235
Just like everything
is just dandy.

1735
01:17:14,268 --> 01:17:17,671
And the punters
are walking about

1736
01:17:17,705 --> 01:17:19,340
like they don't give a shit.

1737
01:17:19,373 --> 01:17:21,008
And there's this one guy, right,

1738
01:17:21,041 --> 01:17:23,144
my God, this fucking guy.

1739
01:17:24,111 --> 01:17:26,213
Late 20s, right,

1740
01:17:26,247 --> 01:17:29,383
jogging gear, earphones in,

1741
01:17:29,416 --> 01:17:33,254
shopping in a basket,
no mask, like, at all.

1742
01:17:33,287 --> 01:17:36,824
And I'm looking around
and nobody's stopping him.

1743
01:17:36,857 --> 01:17:38,926
I'm, like... This guy, he just,

1744
01:17:38,959 --> 01:17:42,263
he does not give a fuck, right.

1745
01:17:42,296 --> 01:17:44,932
So, anyway, he's in baked goods,

1746
01:17:44,965 --> 01:17:47,134
right, and he's standing

1747
01:17:47,168 --> 01:17:48,903
with all the bread
in front of him,

1748
01:17:48,936 --> 01:17:50,905
and there's a woman below him,

1749
01:17:50,938 --> 01:17:52,106
she's got the uniform on

1750
01:17:52,139 --> 01:17:53,250
and she's stacking pita bread,

1751
01:17:53,274 --> 01:17:56,777
and he's over her like this,
right, like, like that.

1752
01:17:56,810 --> 01:17:58,088
And I'm looking at him,
I'm going,

1753
01:17:58,112 --> 01:17:59,980
"You are too close to her, pal."

1754
01:18:00,014 --> 01:18:01,191
"What the fuck
is wrong with you?"

1755
01:18:01,215 --> 01:18:02,249
"Do you not get this?"

1756
01:18:02,283 --> 01:18:03,494
Because she's not got
any choice,

1757
01:18:03,518 --> 01:18:04,752
but to be there, does she?

1758
01:18:04,785 --> 01:18:06,854
And this guy, he goes...

1759
01:18:06,887 --> 01:18:11,058
Like, he decides, "I am gonna
have a walnut loaf bloomer."

1760
01:18:11,091 --> 01:18:12,469
I mean, he needs to get it,
doesn't he?

1761
01:18:12,493 --> 01:18:15,296
He's probably gonna fucking
die if he doesn't get it.

1762
01:18:15,329 --> 01:18:20,034
So he does this. He leans in.
Like, he leans in, like...

1763
01:18:20,067 --> 01:18:21,835
Like that, like...

1764
01:18:21,869 --> 01:18:24,071
Fuck's sake.
Like that, like, close to her

1765
01:18:24,104 --> 01:18:26,006
and she's, like, here,
right, going,

1766
01:18:26,040 --> 01:18:28,175
"Oh, my God, what is this?
What is this?"

1767
01:18:28,209 --> 01:18:30,044
She can feel it

1768
01:18:30,077 --> 01:18:33,147
because this is close
for normal times, right,

1769
01:18:33,180 --> 01:18:35,049
I mean, like,
borderline inappropriate,

1770
01:18:35,082 --> 01:18:38,485
but these days, with no mask,
I mean...

1771
01:18:38,520 --> 01:18:40,487
Fuck me. So this guy, right,

1772
01:18:40,522 --> 01:18:42,756
he goes, "Hmm." He goes...

1773
01:18:42,790 --> 01:18:46,126
Reaches in...
Face, like, there, right.

1774
01:18:46,160 --> 01:18:48,896
Pulls out
his walnut loaf bloomer,

1775
01:18:48,929 --> 01:18:52,132
gives it a squeeze, actually.
"No, not that one."

1776
01:18:52,166 --> 01:18:54,435
He puts it back,
reaches in for another.

1777
01:18:54,468 --> 01:18:56,971
She's there, breathing.
Brings it out...

1778
01:18:58,305 --> 01:18:59,773
"Oh, yes, lovely."

1779
01:18:59,807 --> 01:19:02,843
And he jogs on.
And I am fucking, like...

1780
01:19:02,876 --> 01:19:07,114
I'm fucking fuming, right,
I mean, I'm raging, boiling.

1781
01:19:07,147 --> 01:19:08,249
I'm so full of this stuff

1782
01:19:08,282 --> 01:19:10,417
that I find myself in front
of this woman, right...

1783
01:19:10,451 --> 01:19:12,786
'Cause I've gotta say
something to this woman.

1784
01:19:12,820 --> 01:19:14,421
And it's her.

1785
01:19:16,824 --> 01:19:20,894
The woman I shouted at.
It's the woman I humiliated.

1786
01:19:20,928 --> 01:19:23,130
She's got her mask on,
but I can tell it's her.

1787
01:19:23,163 --> 01:19:26,000
And she knows it's me, right.

1788
01:19:26,033 --> 01:19:28,902
And she just goes,
"Can I help you, sir?"

1789
01:19:31,438 --> 01:19:33,107
And I've got nothing...

1790
01:19:38,078 --> 01:19:39,880
until finally...

1791
01:19:42,249 --> 01:19:43,518
"I'm sorry."

1792
01:19:45,019 --> 01:19:47,388
"I'm so sorry."

1793
01:19:47,421 --> 01:19:49,557
She goes,
"What are you sorry for, sir?"

1794
01:19:51,025 --> 01:19:53,193
And I can't say 'cause...

1795
01:19:53,227 --> 01:19:55,563
'cause I just fucking can't,
can I?

1796
01:19:55,597 --> 01:20:00,801
So instead I go,
"Thank you for this."

1797
01:20:01,569 --> 01:20:03,304
"For everything."

1798
01:20:03,337 --> 01:20:05,573
"For all you do,
for keeping us all going."

1799
01:20:07,041 --> 01:20:10,077
"For the risks you take,
and for what you are."

1800
01:20:10,110 --> 01:20:11,378
She goes, "What am I, sir?"

1801
01:20:12,547 --> 01:20:14,882
And I go,

1802
01:20:14,915 --> 01:20:18,586
"You're a hero. You are a hero."

1803
01:20:18,620 --> 01:20:19,863
And she goes, "I'm just somebody"

1804
01:20:19,887 --> 01:20:21,922
"that needs a job, sir."

1805
01:20:21,955 --> 01:20:24,358
And by this point,
I'm kind of crying, right,

1806
01:20:24,391 --> 01:20:28,329
I mean, not actually,
but inside.

1807
01:20:28,362 --> 01:20:31,098
And I wanna give this woman
something, so I say...

1808
01:20:32,933 --> 01:20:35,269
"It's gonna be different."

1809
01:20:35,302 --> 01:20:37,204
She goes,
"What will be different?"

1810
01:20:37,237 --> 01:20:39,607
And I say, "The world."

1811
01:20:39,641 --> 01:20:43,110
"People like you,
you're gonna be valued.

1812
01:20:43,143 --> 01:20:45,479
"We won't go back
to the way it was,"

1813
01:20:45,513 --> 01:20:46,980
"valuing the wrong things,"

1814
01:20:47,014 --> 01:20:51,653
"like CEOs, or magazines,
or brand influencers,"

1815
01:20:51,686 --> 01:20:53,153
"people whose jobs
aren't important."

1816
01:20:53,187 --> 01:20:55,456
She goes,
"People like you, you mean?"

1817
01:20:58,392 --> 01:21:00,528
"Yeah. Yeah, people like me."

1818
01:21:03,097 --> 01:21:04,632
"It's gonna change."

1819
01:21:06,266 --> 01:21:08,302
"We'll remember."

1820
01:21:08,335 --> 01:21:11,639
She goes,
"No, you won't. You'll forget."

1821
01:21:11,673 --> 01:21:13,073
"And the world
isn't gonna change."

1822
01:21:15,677 --> 01:21:18,912
And I don't say anything because

1823
01:21:18,946 --> 01:21:20,314
I think she might be right.

1824
01:21:22,416 --> 01:21:24,218
I know she's right.

1825
01:21:26,253 --> 01:21:29,323
She goes, "Can I help you
with anything else, sir?"

1826
01:21:31,158 --> 01:21:33,862
And I want to say
something that matters.

1827
01:21:36,598 --> 01:21:39,534
I wanna say the one thing
in my life that matters

1828
01:21:39,567 --> 01:21:42,936
and I wanna say it to her,
right now,

1829
01:21:42,970 --> 01:21:45,439
but the only thing in my life
that matters has gone.

1830
01:21:48,610 --> 01:21:50,678
So I just shake my head,
you know what I mean.

1831
01:21:50,712 --> 01:21:53,147
And she goes back
to stocking pita bread

1832
01:21:53,180 --> 01:21:54,948
and quietly saving all our lives

1833
01:21:54,982 --> 01:21:56,684
for just above minimum wage.

1834
01:21:56,718 --> 01:21:58,419
And...

1835
01:22:13,535 --> 01:22:14,636
I'm not a shitty person.

1836
01:22:16,136 --> 01:22:18,372
I know. I was just reacting

1837
01:22:18,405 --> 01:22:20,441
- when I said that.
- All the time.

1838
01:22:20,474 --> 01:22:23,277
I'm not a shitty person
all the time.

1839
01:22:25,012 --> 01:22:26,280
But I am sometimes.

1840
01:22:28,048 --> 01:22:30,618
And you are not a good person.

1841
01:22:32,052 --> 01:22:34,054
Well, most of the time,

1842
01:22:35,122 --> 01:22:37,625
very much, really, at all.

1843
01:22:37,659 --> 01:22:39,527
But you are sometimes.

1844
01:22:39,561 --> 01:22:41,629
Thank you, I suppose.

1845
01:22:53,140 --> 01:22:55,008
I... I need to make, erm...

1846
01:22:56,276 --> 01:22:57,488
I've been thinking
about this a lot

1847
01:22:57,512 --> 01:22:59,213
and I need to make a...

1848
01:23:01,181 --> 01:23:03,718
People are... are like,
"When we get back to normal,"

1849
01:23:03,751 --> 01:23:05,061
"'When it all gets back
to normal."

1850
01:23:05,085 --> 01:23:06,119
"It'll soon be normal."

1851
01:23:06,153 --> 01:23:09,122
I don't wanna go back
to normal. I really don't.

1852
01:23:09,156 --> 01:23:12,192
I mean, what is so great
about the way things were?

1853
01:23:12,226 --> 01:23:15,262
Just at each other's throats.
We were just...

1854
01:23:15,295 --> 01:23:17,397
Everyone just
at each other's throats

1855
01:23:17,431 --> 01:23:19,433
over the slightest thing,
all the time.

1856
01:23:19,466 --> 01:23:22,436
And I need to make

1857
01:23:23,403 --> 01:23:25,673
a really drastic change.

1858
01:23:26,641 --> 01:23:28,108
Do you understand?

1859
01:23:28,843 --> 01:23:30,043
Yeah.

1860
01:23:31,345 --> 01:23:33,681
Yeah, I think I do.

1861
01:23:34,649 --> 01:23:37,217
I just want a new life.

1862
01:23:37,251 --> 01:23:40,588
You know, I can't go back to
the old one, I really can't.

1863
01:23:40,622 --> 01:23:43,791
And to do that,
I need to make a drastic...

1864
01:23:43,825 --> 01:23:46,226
No, no, no. Look, it's fine.
It's absolutely fine.

1865
01:23:46,260 --> 01:23:48,295
I completely understand. 100%.

1866
01:23:49,764 --> 01:23:51,633
- Are you crying?
- I'm not crying.

1867
01:23:51,666 --> 01:23:53,601
I'm not fucking crying, okay!

1868
01:23:53,635 --> 01:23:56,604
- That's crying. Why are you...
- No, I'm not...

1869
01:23:56,638 --> 01:23:59,641
Why do you think?
Right, I'm broken up!

1870
01:23:59,674 --> 01:24:01,609
'Course I'm gonna fucking cry.

1871
01:24:01,643 --> 01:24:03,310
This, what we're doing,

1872
01:24:03,343 --> 01:24:05,245
doesn't mean nothing
to me, okay?

1873
01:24:05,279 --> 01:24:06,814
And I get it, I really do.
I get it.

1874
01:24:06,848 --> 01:24:08,850
Maybe this is the smartest
thing we've ever done

1875
01:24:08,883 --> 01:24:11,786
and we should have done it
years ago, but I'm not some

1876
01:24:11,819 --> 01:24:13,186
frozen-hearted ice queen

1877
01:24:13,220 --> 01:24:14,364
with a heart
of rotten granite, am I?

1878
01:24:14,388 --> 01:24:16,189
Why have you got
Arthur's jacket on?

1879
01:24:16,223 --> 01:24:17,625
Fuck's sake!

1880
01:24:19,159 --> 01:24:21,461
Look, let's...

1881
01:24:21,495 --> 01:24:24,431
Let's split up.
Okay, let's do it,

1882
01:24:24,464 --> 01:24:27,835
but it really hurts me.

1883
01:24:27,869 --> 01:24:29,704
And I'm gonna fucking cry

1884
01:24:30,638 --> 01:24:33,240
and you're gonna fucking watch.

1885
01:24:37,912 --> 01:24:39,212
We're not splitting up.

1886
01:24:40,682 --> 01:24:41,716
What?

1887
01:24:41,749 --> 01:24:43,250
We're not splitting up.

1888
01:24:43,283 --> 01:24:44,394
Why do you think
we're splitting up?

1889
01:24:44,418 --> 01:24:45,461
You just said that we were...

1890
01:24:45,485 --> 01:24:47,487
I did not say
we're splitting up.

1891
01:24:47,522 --> 01:24:48,623
What did you say, then?

1892
01:24:48,656 --> 01:24:52,125
I said,
"Let's not get married." I...

1893
01:24:52,159 --> 01:24:54,729
- No, you didn't.
- That's all I said.

1894
01:24:54,762 --> 01:24:57,532
I did say,
"Let's not get married."

1895
01:24:57,565 --> 01:24:58,600
- I...
- No, you didn't.

1896
01:24:58,633 --> 01:25:00,300
You never said
the word "marriage."

1897
01:25:00,334 --> 01:25:02,254
The word "marriage"
never came out of your mouth.

1898
01:25:04,304 --> 01:25:06,741
Didn't I?

1899
01:25:06,774 --> 01:25:08,843
- That's what I meant.
- That's what you meant?

1900
01:25:08,876 --> 01:25:11,178
I meant let's not get...

1901
01:25:11,211 --> 01:25:13,648
I meant "let's not
get married, let's not..."

1902
01:25:13,681 --> 01:25:15,883
I didn't mean, not,
"let's not be together."

1903
01:25:17,250 --> 01:25:18,820
I meant "let's not get married."

1904
01:25:18,853 --> 01:25:21,288
I mean, what the fuck
were you thinking anyway?

1905
01:25:21,321 --> 01:25:23,361
What's going through your
head? Were you watching...

1906
01:25:24,491 --> 01:25:27,494
watching fucking <i>Bridgerton</i>
or something? I just...

1907
01:25:27,528 --> 01:25:31,532
I'm saying... I am saying,
"let's be together."

1908
01:25:32,432 --> 01:25:34,769
Okay? But just in a nice way!

1909
01:25:37,237 --> 01:25:39,172
If we possibly can.

1910
01:25:44,946 --> 01:25:49,416
Everyone's really angry
at each other all the time,

1911
01:25:49,449 --> 01:25:51,451
but we're all the same.

1912
01:25:51,485 --> 01:25:53,286
We're all wearing
the same clothes,

1913
01:25:53,320 --> 01:25:54,589
we're eating the same food,

1914
01:25:54,622 --> 01:25:56,456
we're listening
to the same music,

1915
01:25:56,490 --> 01:25:58,693
we're drinking
the same stupid drinks,

1916
01:25:58,726 --> 01:26:00,494
we're watching
the same programs.

1917
01:26:00,528 --> 01:26:02,930
Just the entire human race

1918
01:26:02,964 --> 01:26:05,432
is, like,
running towards each other

1919
01:26:05,465 --> 01:26:06,510
at the speed of light, shouting,

1920
01:26:06,534 --> 01:26:08,402
"Get the fuck away from me."
And I...

1921
01:26:08,435 --> 01:26:10,370
I can't do that anymore.

1922
01:26:10,404 --> 01:26:12,573
I'm not, not after all this.

1923
01:26:12,607 --> 01:26:14,676
Hey, pal.
How you doing? You all right?

1924
01:26:14,709 --> 01:26:16,978
Good wee boy. You gonna
go play? You go play.

1925
01:26:17,011 --> 01:26:18,880
I'll get dinner ready.
Ten minutes, all right?

1926
01:26:18,913 --> 01:26:20,724
Katsu curry aubergine,
just the way you like it.

1927
01:26:20,748 --> 01:26:22,784
I actually found
a wee marinade online.

1928
01:26:22,817 --> 01:26:24,384
I don't like aubergine.

1929
01:26:26,319 --> 01:26:27,755
- What?
- What?

1930
01:26:27,789 --> 01:26:29,524
I don't like aubergine.

1931
01:26:31,926 --> 01:26:34,461
Fantastic. Fantastic.

1932
01:26:34,494 --> 01:26:36,664
I will just chuck that
in the bin.

1933
01:26:37,732 --> 01:26:38,733
Aah!

1934
01:26:39,567 --> 01:26:40,601
Fuck's sake.

1935
01:26:41,703 --> 01:26:43,638
Goodbye, aubergine.

1936
01:26:43,671 --> 01:26:45,405
Hello, fish and chips.

1937
01:26:47,307 --> 01:26:49,376
There's a dead parakeet
in the garden.

1938
01:26:49,409 --> 01:26:51,411
- There's a dead parakeet?
- Yeah.

1939
01:26:51,445 --> 01:26:53,447
- In our garden?
- Yeah.

1940
01:26:53,480 --> 01:26:55,683
Are you sure it's a parakeet?

1941
01:26:55,717 --> 01:26:57,885
I don't think you get
parakeets round here.

1942
01:26:57,919 --> 01:27:00,955
- Can I bring it in?
- No. No. No, pal.

1943
01:27:00,988 --> 01:27:04,324
Maybe just best
to leave it outside, eh?

1944
01:27:04,357 --> 01:27:06,493
- I'll just watch it decompose.
- Yes.

1945
01:27:06,527 --> 01:27:08,730
Or you can chuck it
in the bushes,

1946
01:27:08,763 --> 01:27:11,032
let the foxes eat it.

1947
01:27:11,065 --> 01:27:12,934
- That's good, too.
- Mm.

1948
01:27:18,472 --> 01:27:21,509
- Are you two all right?
- Yes.

1949
01:27:21,542 --> 01:27:23,678
Yeah. Yeah, we're great.

1950
01:27:23,711 --> 01:27:25,479
- Yeah.
- We're really great.

1951
01:27:27,347 --> 01:27:28,783
Hey.

1952
01:27:38,726 --> 01:27:40,828
Here, why don't you go
and play outside, pal?

1953
01:27:40,862 --> 01:27:42,697
Only be two secs, okay?

1954
01:27:44,498 --> 01:27:46,433
I don't despise you.

1955
01:27:48,069 --> 01:27:50,638
That's a terrible thing to say.

1956
01:27:57,645 --> 01:27:58,980
I didn't get the vaccine.

1957
01:28:00,882 --> 01:28:02,917
- Wait, what?
- No.

1958
01:28:02,950 --> 01:28:07,387
Well, how... Okay. Okay.

1959
01:28:07,420 --> 01:28:11,692
And it was because
of your stupid, moping face.

1960
01:28:11,726 --> 01:28:14,896
You've been moping for weeks
since you found out. I mean...

1961
01:28:15,863 --> 01:28:18,533
Who the fuck
are you to judge me?

1962
01:28:18,566 --> 01:28:19,834
You!

1963
01:28:22,469 --> 01:28:26,607
I was there with Nathan,
and I was ready and...

1964
01:28:28,009 --> 01:28:29,677
A bloke comes out and says,

1965
01:28:29,710 --> 01:28:32,412
"Is anyone here a carer
for the vulnerable?" And...

1966
01:28:33,514 --> 01:28:35,382
your stupid, mopey face

1967
01:28:35,415 --> 01:28:38,052
just came into my head,
and I walked away.

1968
01:28:40,688 --> 01:28:42,890
I walked away
because I was worrying

1969
01:28:42,924 --> 01:28:45,325
about what you would
think of me.

1970
01:28:46,828 --> 01:28:47,995
Because of me?

1971
01:28:49,597 --> 01:28:51,999
What I feel for you, it's...

1972
01:28:53,100 --> 01:28:55,903
It's so weird.

1973
01:28:55,937 --> 01:28:58,840
And it's infuriating
and irritating

1974
01:28:58,873 --> 01:29:00,942
and really depressing sometimes,

1975
01:29:00,975 --> 01:29:02,009
but it is a sort of love.

1976
01:29:02,043 --> 01:29:06,479
Are you trying to say
you love me?

1977
01:29:06,514 --> 01:29:10,017
No, I'm trying to say
I sort of love you.

1978
01:29:12,653 --> 01:29:15,388
And I'm just asking you,
is that enough?

1979
01:29:41,148 --> 01:29:43,751
Do you wanna go and see
a dead parakeet with me?

1980
01:29:49,891 --> 01:29:51,058
Yeah.

1981
01:29:52,994 --> 01:29:55,395
Yeah, I think I do, actually.