So where's the movie?
Did you get The Age of Innocence the way I asked?
Oh, I'm sorry I must have misheard you
I thought you said to rent...
Turn Your Head and Cough Army Physicals Caught on Tape
Hey. Ok, I know I said it before that I hate men
There's an update
Now they hate me
Just now in the grocery store
I was flirting with that cute produce guy
I gave him the hair...
The eyes... The teeth
He asked me if I needed something to keep me from swallowing my tongue
So you got dissed by some guy in the producedepartment. Big deal
Did I not mention what also happened in the meat,dairy
and customer service departments?
Hey H.R. Desperate-stuff...
Why don't you stop trying to pick up guys in the grocery store
Did I not mention what also happened at the hardware store, drugstore
liquor store, and Big Apple Circus?
Jack, your ass is ringing
That means a gay angel just got his wings
Yeah?! Yeah?
Oh, my God! I'm so excited!
I can't wait to tell my friends! I'll see you guys later
Wait a minute! Wait! Whoa! What happened?
Oh, I killed at my audition!
I'm a finalist for the Manhattan Gay Men's Chorus!
Congratulations!
Wow, Jack, that is huge
I wonder-- Is the Gay Men's Chorus really
any gayer than the straight men's chorus?
They're going to Europe this summer
all expenses paid
They said everyone who goes gets per diem
but I'll just drink bottled water so I don't have to worry about that
Portabella!
Sweetie, let's hang out all weekend together and hate men
We'll sleep late order in and watch
Ooh! the Army one! Great!
Can't do it I got plans this weekend
Ooh? Ooh. Ooh!
- With Karen - Eww. Why?
There's some big Valentine's day party on Shelter Island
She and Stan host it every year
All the snooty vansnoots get dressed up
and dance their face-lifts off
Anyway, with Stan in prison she's got no one to go with
so she asked a bunch of people
who all wisely said no and I... I don't know
I felt bad
What's wrong with me?
Nothing. You are a sweet delicious man with great morals
and great values
Now, put the frickin' tape in I'm want to some mensquirm
Now, I don't want you to be intimidated by these rich society people
Remember.They're just like you only infinitely better
Karen, I'm no more intimidated here
than you would be in a roomful of people who were getting into Heaven
Aren't you sweet?
Listen, I'm gonna go check out my room
I hope the bed is soft
I cannot sleep on a hard mattress
Last time I slept on a hard mattress
I had this dream that I couldn't sleep
because the mattress was too hard
You should write that one down and tell it atparties
That's a keeper
are you gonna be in your room or here at the bar?
Why am I even asking?
Honey! Give me a sapphire!
Karen Walker...
I thought I smelled gin and regret
Beverly Leslie...
You look more like a woman everytime I see you
Thank you. You know I had to speak up for youjust now
The ladies were saying how sad and pathetic you are being
all alone here without Stanley
but I defended you
I said, "she's a hop head, too."
Aw, Beverly, you're almost
as sweet as a regular sized person
I must confess
We're gonna miss you and that husband and a half
closing out the weekend doing the traditional spot light dance
Can't very well do that by yourself
- But... - Oh ho!
How the mighty have fallen
Karen Walker sad and alone
If I weren't so compassionate I'd be laughing... Like this!
Oh, cut it out, you teacup poodle
It just so happens I'm not here alone
Oh, are you insinuating that handsome
handsome man you arrived with is your lover?
How dare you?!
I love my husband!
I would neverdream of violating the sacred trust of our marriage
by taking a lover!
He's my whore
Ah! Your gigolo ?
I don't believe you!
Well, I won't be getting any sleep tonight
It's as hard as a rock
Ok, I'd like to do it again
Uh, I guess we'll have to do it without this Owen person
Apparently he has something better to do than show up for his call-back
Jack, you take Owen's solo this time
Oh, my God
You want me to do the solo?
Ok, um, just so you know
I'm dedicating this one to the men and the women in the Armed Forces
Goody
And
My baby, he don't talk sweet he ain'tgot much to say, yeah
But he loves me, loves me, loves me I know that he loves me anyway
And maybe he don't dress fine but I don't really mind, yeah
'Cause every time hepulls me near I just wanna cheer
- Let's - Hey, sorry. I'm late!
Hi. My boyfriend is having this huge family crisis
His mother was-- Ok I tried bangs. It backfired
We understand
Uh, excuse me
As Aretha said to Gloria,Celine Shania and Mariah during Divas Live
"Are you trippin'?"
"No one interrupts the Queen of Soul, bitch. Ok?"
Well, I believe she also said "Hey, Cuba,Canada, cowgirl, Crazy"
"get out of my light and away from my snacks,bitch."
Uh, ok Now that Owen's here
let's take it from his part
- But I-- - And...
Maybe he's no Romeo he's my lovin'one-man show
oh~~ Let's hear it for the boy
Very good Very nice
Just give me a minute while I judge you and reapply
Burton's no competition
Sure he can sing
but you can see his pores from space
This guy wasn't terrible but those shoes...
Not musical
Now... This howdy doody looking mother fella
He could be trouble
Oh, I'm so nervous
Yeah, um, you were kind of off-key and
um... And your phrasing was kind of
By the end I didn't really want to hear it for the boy
So, but, um I don't think they noticed
I was a little worried about the competition so I just wore my tightest t-shirt
and I do think they noticed
Ok, we've narrowed it down to two of you
Uh, but not you two
Jack, Owen take a look at this music
I'd like to hear you sing with the chorus tomorrow
Thank you
- I'm such a loser - Oh, Burton
You're right
helping Burton was good karma
but how can I get rid of this guy?
What's the one thing that could keep him out of the Gay Men's Chorus?
- Hey - Hey
Anne Heche-Laffoon! He's straight!
Um, excuse me Will, is it?
Yes
Yes, I know that you're How shall I say this?
"Working" for Karen this weekend
I was wondering are you taking any other clients?
Well... Servicing Karen takes up a lot of my time
Seems like I'm down there constantly
but... Um, I could probably squeezeyou in
Ok. great Um, I'm a little nervous
I use done of you guys before and I wasn't very happy
Oh, well, you don't have to worry about that with me
When I take someone on
I don't sleep until they're completely satisfied
There was this one woman When she came to me
she was afraid she'd never get off
and I just pushed and pushed
I mean, I came at this thing from every angle
And not only did she get off but she named her child after me
Isn't that sweet?
Sounds great
- Do you have a card? - Sure
- I want one, too - Me, too!
Now, listen, it's real cool of you to invite meover to rehearse
Well, I'm a giver with no ulterior motive
Would you like something to drink?
Maybe a white wine spritzer
or an American beer in a can that you can crush on your forehead
when you're done drinking it
Uh, no, I'm good I just want to get started
Man, it would be really cool to go to Europe
I almost went once with my girlfriend
And by "girlfriend" I mean you know, hey, girl friend!
What you wearing to Europe?
Yeah, it was a guy You know, huge arms
Well, that's a sweet story
- Hug me - What?
Well, I feel that we're close now We shared
Oh, interesting You gave me the straight guy
double pat on the back no hip contact hug
Actually it was more the gay guy bend at the waist feel
your delts check out your shoeshug
Ah, yes, how could I have mistaken the two?
Interesting Interesting
Um, why don't we start with some vocal exercises
What gym do you go to? Why haven't I seen you in the clubs?
And who have we slept with in common?
I work out at home I'm allergic to smoke
And I'min a long-term relationship with my high school boyfriend
Name? / Ben I know him / No, you don't
- How do you know? - He told me you don't
I think I'll have that spritzer now
Jack!
Why is my door locked?
You better not be using my hair crimper on your bad place again
That's a mistake you just make once Excuse me
What are you doing here?! I'm in the middle of infotaining
Jack, I'm not in the mood
Oh, my dog! I have a brilliant idea
- I have, in my apartment - My apartment
In there right now is a hetero posing as a homo
I need you to help me get proof
So you want me to "in" him for you?
- Forget it - Ok, yeah. That's fine
You probably couldn't get him anyway
I mean, your flirt's on the fritz
It's no big deal I'll just get somebody else
You know, someone who is actually sexual
Yeah, Jack That's gonna work
If I was Screechon "Saved By the Bell."
Hey, Jack, can we get started?
Hi
That's him? Give me a minute
to paint on some cleavage
Uh, 1:00? Yeah, I am booked
But you and Mrs. Sandwall are friends, right?
Well, would you mind if I just did you two together?
Great Ok
I'm scared and excited, too
You!
Oh, good Lord! You scared me!
Shouldn't you be in your tree making cookies?
You're a liar Karen Walker
I don't for one minute believe that man is your zheegolo
I'm in the room next door
and I haven't heard a peep from that room
And, honey, believe you me I've been listenin'!
If you're being deceitful I'd hate for people to find out
but I would love to be the one to tell 'em!
Oh! Hello, Will
Karen, I don't know what you've been saying to people but thank you
You know how many appointments I've set for potential clients this weekend?
Oh, my God! That is huge!
- That's great - I know
Yeah It's funny, though
You know, a lot of these women are so needy
A few of them asked if I'd hold them afterwards
Oh, wow! That is good, really good
Oh, yeah! Oh, it's good! Yeah!
- Karen - Aah! Yeah! What?
What is going on? Oh, my God
If you're about to shed your human form
please don't make my body the next host
N0, s1lly. I t0ld 3v3ryb0dy you were a whore
and I just want to make sure it
sounds like we're having sex in here, ok?
Oh... What?!
Have you lost your mind?!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh!
- Stop it! - What?
My God! Why would you spread such a horrible rumor?!
What if I went around saying "Karen Walker flies coach"?
That would be a damaging lie!
God! This is so embarrassing
Here I am thinking
I'm Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovich
and meanwhile I'm Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman!
God! I am getting out of here
You're not going anywhere!
The dance is at 8:00 tonight and I need you to be my partner
Forget it
Get somebody else from your staff
butcher or baker or painkiller-maker
Oh, I forgot They were all smart enough to say no
Honey, wait You're the only one I asked
What?!
Yes. you're the one that I wanted to be here
Why? So you could take advantage of me?
No Be-because I
- Good-bye - No! Wait a minute, honey
Because ever since Stanley went to prison
you're the only man in my life that I can count on
Well, you should have thought of that before
Good-bye
What is it about Grandma's Tummy Mint tea that just makes me feel so...
Sexual?
I don't know but if that does it for you
you might want to avoid Red Zinger
Grace, can I talk to you for a minute?
I have a furf in my shmankman
and I think I caught my hrmm in my whoo!
What is taking you so long? Seduce him already! God!
Never send a woman in to do a man's job
Jack, we're straight
It's a little more complicated than "your turn."
Well, turn it up a nacho
So what? You want me to be more aggressive?!
Yes. Good Go. Great
Oh! Wait Your hair
I just...
That's a lovely song
Thanks It's the English version
of the French song "mwa mwa mwa mwa"
Oh! Look at that
My tea's cold I'm gonna get a refill
Oh! God! Darn! Look at that!
I should take this off
It's not good to be wet too long
Oh!
What am I doing?! Oh, wait a minute
You don't care You're gay, right?
Oh, right Right. I'm gay
So you don't mind if I...
No, I'm gay. You should definitely take your shirt off
It's cute, right?
Oh, I'm sorry I'm making you uncomfortable
no. I'm not uncomfortable I'm gay. We love bras, right?
That is a really really good one
I mean, it is awesome!
Uh, I mean, it's, uh it's fantabulous
Well, if you like that
you're gonna love the jeans Touch 'em. It's ok
You know, 'cause you're gay
Right. I mean why should you care, you know?
My hand seems to be traveling up your thigh towards your
Rockin'ass!
but who cares, right? Because I'm gay!
So it's all right if I tell you you're beautiful and throw you down
on this couch and make out with you fiercely, right?
Yep Because you're gay
I should be on top
You know, you're a good kisser for a gay guy!
And I've kissed a lot of gay guys!
Gotcha, you sick straight bastard!
Jack, get lost I'm not done!
Good for you You got me
But the joke's on you
I'm still gonna be in that chorus 'cause you don't have any proof
Exhibit A
There's no film in that camera
What, you think I'd be so stupid not to put film in my own camera?
Hello!
Damn you sneaky heteros!
That's right Your word against mine, buddy
but thanks for the help
And thank you for the tea...
and A
Well, I really appreciate a woman who knows how to turn it on
Yo!
Well, Jack, look on the bright side
I'm back
Grace Adler's back!
And I know a produce guy
who's gonna get a nice little flirt right about now
Then I'm gonna come home watch some gay porn
Happy Valentine's Day to me!
Ok, everybody. Hush Clear the floor
It's time to end this event
with the traditional spot light dance
Led by our hosts Karen Walker and her husband
Oh, wait, no He's in the big house
Everything's a big house to you
But she brought somebody else
Oh, wait. no He's not here either
I guess it's just gonna be Karen Walker
Can we get as pot on this sad little lady?
All right, Thumbelina you got me
I'm all by my self, ok? Everybody happy?
Karen Walker is all alone
Oh, no, she's not
She's got a drink in both hands
probably one in her purse
and she's got me
May I have this dance?
Thanks, honey Why'd you come back?
Who else you gonna count on?
So they really think I'm a gigolo?
Yeah
Let's give 'em something to talk about
Oh, honey! Now I know why Grace married you
Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin', plannin' and dreamin'
each night of his charms that won't get you into his arms
So if you're looking to find love you can share
all you gotta do is hold him and kiss him and love him
and show him that you care
Show him that you care just for him
Do the things he likes to do
Wear your hair just for him
'Cause you won't get him
- Thinkin' and a-hopin' - Wishin' and a-prayin'
- Lyin' and a-cheatin'! - Tubby and a-tone-deaf!
Stop it!
I can't take it anymore! This man is straight!
You're crazy!
I'm as gay as the locker room at the Ice Capades!
This is just your pathetic attempt to eliminate the competition
And besides, I think Jack is the straight one
I have never been accused of something so heinous!
Heinous
How dare you, sir?! You are an impostor!
And I have a woman who he made out with who can be here in five minutes
That'sright, five minutes because she has no life!
Damn!
Tell them the truth
Ok. I'm straight
And it was wrong of me to deceieve you guys
It's just that
I love to sing
I love to sing choral music
It makes me feel like I'm...
Being gently chucked under the chin by God
But there's no room for a straight man in that world
You don't know how hard it is for me to fit in
The looks, the murmurs behind my back
I mean, I know what they're saying
"Ooh, he likes girls."
So I tried to pass as gay It was wrong. I'm sorry
All I wanted was to sing and be accepted
And maybe dance a little, too
Cry all you want, straightie
This is the gay men's chorus
Who cares about choral music?
We just want to go to Europe and shower together
And you can't come
Yes, he can
Confuse me?
We here at the chorus have a policy of tolerance
We used to have a policy of openness
but that got too many giggles
You should be ashamed of yourself!
Congratulations, Owen
You're going to Europe!
Don't change your hair
And we're sharing a room
You know... You may have won
but I still have my dignity
I don't have to pretend to be anything other than who I am
What do you have?
I have a free trip to Europe a huge per diem
and a chance to sing in all the best venues in the world
And a winning smile
Perhaps
But I still get to sleep with men